Reminder: if you want your email answered, please do not say don’t answer this on the blog. If you do, it won’t be answered. As of April I asked people to tell me specifically that I could answer it on the blog, as of July I am going to answer on the blog unless you tell me not to. Then I won’t answer at all.
If you send me email in text-speak, i.e. writing you as u and your as ur etc, I’m not answering it. If you can’t be bothered to write out the words, neither can I.
This is the new email policy as of April 2008:
As the blog grows in popularity I have to institute a new email policy.
I’m not just overwhelmed by the volume but some of the contents are disturbing.
Everyone is welcome to post in the comments section or to join the email group and post appropriately but this is the new policy for individual requests for help.
I have to keep myself safe physically, legally and psychologically so here goes:
New private email policy as of April 2008. updated :
I will answer these emails privately:
or
(all identifying/unusual information will be removed first). These emails will be answered on the blog only.
I absolutely will not answer these emails:
(I may compile some emails from high school students and answer on the blog and I have answered a few high school students already but the long dramatic high school emails are really too much for me. My daughter is 17 and there’s only so much high school drama I can listen to in one week. Sorry.).
If you want an email answered, I will answer on the blog unless you say don’t. I will remove all identifying information but if you send a million identifying details that are important to the story, it’s going to be on the blog.
If you don’t hear from me, re-write and give permission to post on the blog (with identifying/unusual/unique facts redacted).
I don’t really fit into any of the above ;) I simply want to invite you to share your blog with others on our directory of female written blogs. If youhave any questiosn feel free to contact me. Karrine
http://www.herblogdirectory.com
Nice new website. I hope you aren’t receiving too many weird things from people because you do really do a great service for many of us.
Susan, you have no idea. I truly wish I could answer everyone but I realize that many times I have spent so much time in email that I didn’t get to post to the blog that day and I’m too drained to do so. So I still welcome private emails but will only answer those directly if they say, “Feel free to post on the blog with identifying information removed.” I had a private email that was the catalyst for reposting the MySpace Drama post. She didn’t give permission to post it on the blog so I didn’t do so and didn’t send a personal email but did post something I hope she can get something from.
But almost every day there is some wackiness in my inbox. Some days, it’s not pretty. :) I occasionally publish some of the wackier ones.
But for the most part it’s hurting people reaching out. But I have realized that I have thousands of daily readers so if I answer 5 emails attentively (I try to give each a good deal of attention), that takes me away from the thousands who might benefit from those replies. So I had to weigh it out. I still invite people to write me but please say I can post it on the blog so you get answered and get to give something to the readers. It works for both of us that way.
But thanks for asking!
Hi Susan, I’m new to this but wrote a lenghty note to you and hope that you’ll give some of your wisdom to me when you’re up for it and feeling better. I’m not sure where all the other posts that I printed off line this morning are now. I have to learn this sight. :-)
Hi Susan
Where do I go (on your site) to order your Grief Recovery Handbook and the Relationship Inventory?
I am in Australia.
Thanks. Lesley.
Hi Leslie! Welcome.
The Grief Recovery Handbook is not mine, it’s John James and Russell Friedman. I think you can order it from Amazon.au … Yes? If not, let me know.
The Relationship Inventory is mine and is in the book. Order it here: Getting Past Your Breakup
Hi Susan,
Feel free to use this in your blog anywhere. I don’t fall within any category..but stumbled across you this morning.
I’ll give you the bumper sticker version and try to be as brief as possible: I’m Riding Old Route 66 from Oklahoma to Chicago
1000 MILES VIA HORSE
The ride is for GPYP — bothfor who you serve and FOR YOU as a mental health professional.
I am a psychoeducational clinician and soon to be LPC with a Psy.D. I’ve worked in the Mental Health field for years…
Anyway, the details are listed below. My goal is to give hope to those you can’t give past their past…to show them there are avenues to do so…and to make them aware that emotional freedom exists in the world.
Would you support me (not money wise or anything like that)…Can you spread the word this is occurring? The details are below or can be seen at my website…or on my MySpace at
http://www.myspace.com/grayceacademy
Hope to hear back from you privately.
M. Carter
**Buffalo Moon Expedition**
Riding 1000 Miles Via Horse on Route 66 to Support GPYP!
This Expedition is a Charity Ride to support Mental Health Wellness and Equine Assisted Psychotherapy and will support those with BiPolar Disorder, Mood Disorders, Anxiety Disorders, Domestic Violence Issues, Addiction, etc.. It’s time gently encourage you through your past so you have emotional freedom!
Miss Carter is supported by the LONG RIDERS GUILD of America. Her starting point will be Route 44 in Oklahoma and she will land at Jackson Ave in Chicago…the beginning of Route 66..right in the heart of Downtown Chicago.
Her Journey will conclude with a Celebration at The Corner Bakery (a soon to be sponsor) at Jackson & Michigan Avenue! Her Journey Begins in Lawton,Oklahoma and winds to Jackson Avenue at Michigan in Chicago. It will take her 100 approximately days
Your help, donations, and any lodging accommodations forher and her equine team would be appreciated.
Watch for her Home Page on the Long Riders Guild Website to track her progress with this expedition.
Click on “http://www.thelongridersguild.com/Expeditions.htm”
Join her to support Better Mental Health and end Emotional Suffering!
Lastly, this Expedition is in Memory and Honor of: Blaine, Marguerite Carter, Dr. Lynne McRae, John E. Hanlin, Joseph P. Gist, Claire Ann Gist, All Mental Health professionals, those who suffer with mental unwellness, suicidal thoughts, those who suffer with PTSD from war, rape, sexual abuse and other trauma, Mood Disorders, Personality Disorders (especially Borderline Personality Disorder), OCC and OCPD, depression, addiction and abuse, Three Springs Ourdoor Wilderness Programs, RAPE AND VIOLENCE END NOW (RAVEN – St. Louis), The American Association of Christian Counselors, The American Psychological Association, EAGALA, those who suffer from emotional abuse, those who perpetrate abuse, those of you have ever felt anxiety, had periods of depression or understood what it was like to care take someone with dementia, alzheimers or any other mind robbing disease and many others too long to mention.
Hi Susan,
YIKES…Forgive the typos…Oh my heavens…my fingers were flying faster than my brain!
Best regards,
Megan Gist Carter
Buffalo Moon Expedition
Starting June 23, 2009
**Emotional Freedom Is Just One Step Away**
Excellent website.
Hi Susan,
Thanks so much for being there. I printed out “when you love someone who doesn’t love you” and carry it around with me!
Do you have any thoughts on limerence? There’s a whole community of people suffering from it, with no resources except for Tennov’s book. I’ve been hung up on a guy for the past 3 years. My therapist seems to be as stumped as I am!
Thanks again,
Sorcha
PS–It is okay to post this on the blog.
Susan:
Do you still accept private emails from posters? If so, what email address do I use or is there a form somewhere on here that goes to you only?
I want to ask you a question, but would rather do it personally as I’m not sure there is even a page on this site to ask it (is about posting on the site).
Thanks,
SmilingAngel
susan AT gettingpastyourpast DOT com
Great – thanks!
Not sure where else to put this….Susan have you ever posted a blog on Dreams? The real dream that we have when we sleep…not fantasizing dreams. I think dreams are fascinating and we can learn a lot about our selves! I tried to look through some of the archives but couldnt find anything yet so thought I would just ask!
Thanks!
Julie
Hi Julie:
No I haven’t done anything on dreams. I did a paper in graduate school on dream interpretation and the many schools of thought on it and decided then and there that most of my clients had enough issues in their waking lives to not deal with dreams. I’ve studied 4 or 5 different schools of interpretation and, except for Jung, never found it very compelling for my own practice and I’m not a Jungian so I’m not good at it.
One thing that Jungians recommend (and I always have to clients who are interested in their dreams) is to keep a paper and pen by the bed and when you wake up from an interesting dream write it down. Then later in your waking state, think about each “symbol” in your dream and journal about it — called amplification. And see what it means to you.
I think that dreams can be another trigger for good journaling and self-insight but I can’t say that I’ve ever thought, “Your dream contained a fire hydrant. This means you are thirsty for love.” was very spot on.
I do like the Jungian method of amplifying the objects and people in your dreams in your journal and figuring out what it means to YOU, but I have never felt that my interpretation of a client’s dreams really did them much good.
Have really enjoyed reading some of your posts. Wondering if you might have some advice for me… My long term partner and I separated a few months ago after a love but struggle-filled relationship. Not an easy or clear choice. We also work together in a small non-profit. And now he has just started dating a woman in the program I coordinate. This breaks your No-Contact rule to the extreme, as I can’t get away from them. I am feeling very angry and hurt. I am taking space/avoiding/ignoring them as much as possible, but it’s not leaving me feeling very powerful, open, safe… It’s not a situation that will last forever (I’ve stuck it out 3 weeks and there are 4 more to go until her program ends), but I’m struggling with how to act/what to do. Feeling so hurt and angry that he would put me in this position, and it’s strongly affecting my comfort and effectiveness at work. Any advice appreicated! Thanks Susan.
An intelligent and informative site. I am glad i have found it. At the moment I am going through the worst nightmare of my life. The experience of a very painful break-up that has thrown me to a depth of a severe depression. Reading your article and also other people’s experiences have helped ease me despair a little bit. Thank you
Hello and THANK YOU Susan and posters who have bravely shared their experiences and wisdom….I am recently out of an affair :( that was very intense. I am hurt more than I ever thought possible and hope and pray the innocent spouses/children/grandchildren never find out…..I am not proud of what I done but cannot honestly say I regret it either. I will cherish the memories the rest of my life but need to put the past in the past now and heal my heart and my spirit. I have read and reread the articles and posts and am adhering to the No Contact advice and have already written (and mailed) the goodbye with love letter and even had a following phone call saying goodbye (without tears, yayyyyyy). I realize I’m rambling but I’m asking for help: is there anything at all that can help heal the heart more quickly? I know it is OVER but somehow my heart just isn’t “getting it.” I’m no school girl either, I’m 47 years old. Thanking you in advance for any insight/suggestions you may offer.
Susan I have another question…have you posted any blogs about sex? Well I’m sure you have but I cant find them.
More specifically, a week or so ago I brought up the topic of sex in one of my posts and mentioned that I wasnt sure how to deal with the drive of wanting to have sex – knowing it’s not something that I should go look for. So what’s a girl (or guy I’m sure) to do but take matters in hand – so to speak. If you know what I mean. Unfortunately, I wrote that when I’ve tried to take care of things, at the very wrong moment I would see the ex and then the experience would not be as intense as it could have been and almost always I cry at the end. It’s kind of heart breaking. I remember a few others mentioned the same thing happening to them, so it must be a common occurrence.
So any idea what that is about? Is it the vulnerability that happens at that very moment? Is it the memory? It’s very strange. I’ve worked so hard to not think about ex when i’m “busy” but still I can’t stop letting him join in on the mental part of that activity at the very wrong moment. I hate it and so I’ve stopped doing that altogether. Sometimes though I go a little crazy and then sex is all I can think about. I guess I’m glad I still have the urge but I wish I could have a better fantasy partner. I’ve tried thinking about the hunky guys…ie. Viggo Mortensen (in Lord of the Rings) etc or the cute guy at the grocery store, and it works for a while but again…at the end my ex shows up in my head and ruins the whole party.
Any thoughts about this? Do you know if these tears are an indicator of anything significant? I would love to find out what others think.
Thanks!
Julie
Hi Susan,
I am male 46 who seems to be lost after my wife 44 and children 18 and 19 left me.
We had a good love married life.thing changed to worst
when the attention of her to me became cold.
Now is that she has gone for 2 years and i have pleaded with her to come back yet she refuse.
thing that have made our married life in the past have i put a side and asked her to be not so ego in her thought.
I have spend my 20 years plus with this women and i hardly forget her.
Can you please advice me on how to go on with my life.
Every day is a new day to me.
Not only i am lost without her but i only know her all my life long.
thanks
Hi Susan,
I recently found your website and see that you have been interested in Melody Beattie in the past; I’m writing in hopes you might be interested in Melody Beattie’s new book. As you may know, Codependent No More was a long-time New York Times bestseller, established Melody as a pioneering voice in self-help literature and introduced the world to the term “codependent.” She has a new book coming out in January in which she identifies a new generation of codependents: THE NEW CODEPENDENCY: Help and Guidance for Today’s Generation (Simon & Schuster). Would you be interested in receiving a review copy?
If so, please send me your mailing address and I’d be happy to get a book to you right away.
Best of luck as you near release on Getting Past Your Breakup!
Best,
Liza Lucas
Goldberg McDuffie Communications
http://www.melodybeattie.com
Hi,
First, thank you so much for this site. I have been unable to find anything like this before on the internet and it is so helpful.
My friends are either too busy to provide the support system I need; too rapped up in their relationships to relate; or provide the wrong advice.
I like to read blogs on google reader but when I subscribed it only shows the first portion of your posts.
Is there anyway you can allow feeds to get the entire post instead of just a snippet? Do I need permission?
Thanks again!
Hello and thanks for your book – it was very helpful. My girlfriend of six years broke up with me in March. I’m a single 54 year-old father of a 14 year old. We never fought and had a few mild arguments but our relationship had lacked intimacy for at least a year-and-a half. I moved in with her and lived there for 2 and 1/2 years and she and my daughter did not get along and I felt put in the middle as my girlfriend was always waiting for me to correct inappropriate behavior from my daughter…but it became too much and I felt judged myself. It affected my intimate feelings and I moved out a year and 1/2 ago.
That Spring my girlfriend seemed to look at me differently and I started to feel that she wanted to breakup. We continued seeing each other, but less and less. I tried to reconnect sexually but she said it felt “awkward”. Meanwhile I was going through both bankruptcy and the evolving health and mental failure of my father-in-law and the detrimental impact it was having on my mom (He died last December -he was more of a father than my real dad).
All of this preoccupied me and I let our relationship float along in this way until she emailed me in March that we were broken up. I had to go on anti-depressants and seek therapy. My story is not like many of these others where my partner turned out to be untrue or whatever. I love and admire her. I miss her tremendously. I have not seen her in 3 months and have been totally NC for almost a month – she emailed that she did not want to reconcile but we would eventually become the friends we always were. I replied that I cannot be just friends. Recently I am having a tough time not calling or emailing her. I go back and reread your book to help.
I have a little coffee date with someone from Match.com next week – to give myself a boost (I’m not ready for another relationship). But essentially I miss my partner and I want nothing more than to be back with her. It is VERY hard not to break NC!
Thank you,
Charles Edward
I found this website at such a great time… and it so inspired me I immediately bought the book. Too bad I didn’t follow the advice of No Contact. My story? I have a history of choosing the wrong men and being loyal to a fault. I thought I had grown wiser. Last year, a six year relationship I had ended. I was devastated, but that isn’t what drove me to the book. At the beginning of the year, I was reacquainted through a social networking site with a guy I graduated high school with. Let’s just say it was twenty something years ago. We never dated, but there was “mutual interest”. We had a history. He had married and divorced. I had married and divorced. I found we had grown to become very similar spiritually and in many other ways. We had daily contact for several months, promises and commitments had been made, and then it abruptly ended by him. I was crushed. It was not only the new relationship, but we have mutual friends and we were friends… I trusted him. I tried to contact him twice and he didn’t respond, but yes I broke another rule and kept checking his blog. He has several children and would update it frequently with pictures. In the past two weeks, I knew he was going to be in a town with some his children. The town was one which I was quite familiar with, so when I saw the recent pictures, I knew the trip had been made. One day, I was struck by a profile shot of him. It was pretty intense and even more surprising was that he was wearing his wedding ring (after being divorced for five years). I realized he must have been having a really hard time moving on. I really was sad for him, but it made things make more sense. So because I have such a huge heart, I sent him an email that said, [imagine soft music playing in the background] “I saw your pictures …the one of you in the hat with the ring on…….says… something. To me, you really and truly are a beautiful man and no matter what, I love you. I wish you would have let me in. More than anything, I wish you peace and healing”. YES, I know I broke two rules: checking the blog and contacting him. So, what I sent was either incredibly sweet or incredibly stupid. Well, the picture was intense. So, I go on again a few days later (I am a total flake, I admit it) and this time he put comments underneath all his pictures, including the one I wrote to him about. And you know what. The picture wasn’t of him. No, it wasn’t. Not only that, but it turns out it was his Dad. So, here is a lesson to the story – there is a VERY GOOD reason why you should have no contact with your ex – no matter what your justification. So, I THINK I GET IT NOW, but do you think it would be tacky for me to write him back and say…. P..S. Keep me posted if something happens to your Mom, because your Dad is a honey? No, of course I would never do that, but this is a true story. I thought I would share to give you warning or a good laugh. Either way, if you read the book and still aren’t listening… read it again and again and again and again. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Thank you Susan for your book it has helped more than words can say. I have read some responses and I encourage you all to DO THE WORK. It is not easy but you can grow and be a much better person. It is in the valleys of life that we grow, not when we are on the mountain top. (when you look at a valley and mountain picture, where is the growth?) Your book has helped me so much, it has only been 5 weeks, the relationship inventory was very eye opening. Also wanted to let you know about another book that has helped, it is called “The Shack” by Wm. Paul Young. And for the NC rule, journal, journal, journal this will help your peace of mind. DO YOUR HOMEWORK, YOU ARE WORTH IT. May God bless and protect you all. EWW
Susan, I haven’t been reading for a bit, as I’ve been pretty ill. I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. I can’t imagine how you feel. I enjoyed reading your posts about him and how wonderful a man he was. I enjoyed the beatiful pictures you had on this website of your life together. I remember reading about the sudden illness. I remember reading your story and thinking, I too can find a good man like that.
I’m sure he is watching over you with love.
I’m so sorry. My best to you and your family.
nancy
Where can I find the re-focusing post I’ve read about? I did a search on that word and got nothing. Thanks
Dear Susan,
I found upon this website after seeing your book on Amazon. It’s taken a couple of weeks to find the courage to write. Here it goes.
I am separated from a man I’ve been married to for 27 years. We raised two kids who are now on their own. Because of the bad economy, it makes no sense to file for divorce now. Our finances are too entangled. We still reside in the same house. We’re roommates. I’m upstairs. He’s downstairs. The only communal room is the kitchen. He works very long hours so for 96% of the time I’m alone. That’s ok. I’m an artist and use the time productively. I want to be clear. I do not love my husband anymore. I stopped loving him year 22. He’s been involved with someone else for the past year and I’m grateful. He and I are cordial. No anger or hostility. We’re done.
I am writing about something else. A couple of months ago a man began a flirtation with me. I’ll skip the details, but let’s just say busses on the cheek progressed to kisses on the lips. Not creepy or gross. They were nice, and I liked it. Did he cross a boundary? Probably, but I didn’t mind. I’ve been in the desert a very long time. We went out for coffee. He asked for my phone number. He said he wanted to see me again. I was very excited and found myself attracted to him. I think you can guess where I’m headed. I haven’t heard from him and thus began a steep decline in my emotional wellbeing. His not calling me felt like a rejection and I feel stupid for believing there were possibilities for connection. I’m not pretty enough, smart enough, good enough. In my head I realize this isn’t true, but my feelings say otherwise. I also know this isn’t about him and I’m not fixating anymore, but this pain scares me. I have never felt this type of intensity in my life. I cannot stop crying. I’m doing all the “take care of myself stuff”: journaling, yoga, meditation, friends. My art work is important to me and I’ve had success. My physical health is good. My life is full, or so I thought. I realize that my choices in men have always brought me unhappiness. All were unkind. My daddy was mean so I get why I picked them. My longing for connection has floated to the top it feels overwhelming. I don’t trust myself. This makes me frightened about my future. I want to heal myself and attract a man who is good and with whom I can build a healthy relationship. I read the “Invincible Summer” post yesterday and it helped. I just feel groundless and don’t know what to do.
I’d appreciate any thoughts you can share and feel free to answer this on the blog. Thanks.
Hello butohgirl, the way the blog works best is if you cut and re-post this on the 42/10/10 Check-In Thread. it’s the workaday blog area where you can introduce yourself and post about how you’re doing. Your post might get lost here.
I feel very stupid, but I have looked and looked and looked some more and I can’t find an e-mail link anywhere.
susan AT gettingpastyourpast DOT com
M a bit new to WordPress and somehow cant find your email ID on here. Maybe m just being myopic :-) Could you please give your email ID Susan?
Hi Susan! My sister told me about your blog and I am just…I don’t know what to say. It’s helping me in ways I never expected. Knowing I have the support of people who are going through the same thing is so soothing, and I thank you for putting this out there (and would like to congratulate you on your beautiful new granddaughter!!).
I actually have a technical question. I posted a comment, and it said, “Your comment is awaiting moderation.” I tried posting again twice, and I got that same message. Would you be able to tell me what that means?
Thank you again for this. It is such a safe place in a time where I feel lost.
Amy
hi susan! i’m kind of nervous…i keep trying to post this one comment and i’m realizing it might get put up on your site all 5 times i tried to re-post! if it does, i’m so sorry! i keep seeing other postings from people from today, but i’ve tried posting a few times today and it keeps saying “your comment is awaiting moderation.” i’m not sure what that means? sorry if i’m clogging up your site with the same post…just want to be able to share my thoughts with people and it’s really been getting me through…hope i’m not experiencing some sort of weird computer glitch!
Hi Susan,
Thank you for the splendid blog that you have put up. I enjoy coming here and reading what you have to say and the readers’ comments. It has been like a refuge for me. However, I would like to e mail you because I don’t know the appropriate place to post. You see my “getting past your past” is more concerned with my “relationship” with my Mum rather than my a member of the male gender – not that latter is without its problems, though I think both are somehow connected. Am I making sense at all? I’d appreciate your opinion/suggestion/advice.
Thank you.
Have you done the Life Inventory or Parent Inventory (in the book)? IF you do those inventories you will see they are definitely connected.
My email is susan AT gettingpastyourpast DOT com