1. No, you could not have been having fun, because she dumped you. Harsh, but true.

2. Why did she text you? Probably because she was feeling lonely and wanted to reach out to give herself an ego-boost. It’s not about you.

I’m telling you these things as they are the best things to tell yourself so that you can push her out of your mind and stay NC. Who cares what she does over the holidays, or why she’s texting you? If she wanted you, she’d be with you. Remind yourself of this, listen to some happy music (like ABBA), and realize you’re better each day you go without contact. I do this – I’ve been NC for over a month – and I’m starting to see he’s not the one for me. Never was. I deserve better, and so do YOU.

It’s day 9 of No Contact, and I am coming out of my skin. I feel so empty and alone, and my emotions are all strirred up.
I can’t stop thinking (obsessing) about her and the “open-ended” things that she said when she broke it off on Saturday 11/5.
When I asked her if she loves me she said “yes”, and when I tried to bargain with her and told her that I would got to 90 AA meetings in 90 days, re-connect wih my sponsor, seek better employment, etc., she said something like “we’ll talk in 90 days”. She also said “if it’s meant to be, we’ll be together”, “I’m not going anywhere”, and “I need to re-group”.
These statements have me hanging on to the hope that we will get back together again (even though evry time we do, I end up in this situation again).
I know, I know, I should just let her/it go, but it’s not easy, and I keep telling myself that I love her, but at this point it has definitely become an addiction.
I am doing some positive stuff to help deal with it (this site, counseling, 12 step meetings, exercise, etc.), and I talked with someone today about it after a meeting. He said that I need to just have faith in my higher power (step 2), and to just let it go (step 3), but I am still struggling, and I get the urge to call her all the time.
I am praying for the obsession to be removed when it does happen, but I am still anxious and scared (of being alone forever). I can’t believe that this is happening again, and I am definitely not looking forward to the holidays.
My mind keeps remembering the previous breakups and the amount of time that passed between the breakup and when we got back together again, and other than the 7 months that passed this last time (when she was back with her ex), the longest one was 5 weeks, so my crazy mind thinks that she will be contacting me in a few weeks (especially since she told me that this time she is not with anyone else).
We have been apart during Thanksgiving in the 6 years of this on again off again relationship , but never during Christmas, and as I said before I am dreading the next couple of months.
Anyway, I need help and support, so please reply with any feedback, advice, or guidance.
HELP!!!!

scottod

It’s day 9 of No Contact, and I am coming out of my skin. I feel so empty and alone, and my emotions are all strirred up.
I can’t stop thinking (obsessing) about her and the “open-ended” things that she said when she broke it off on Saturday 11/5.
When I asked her if she loves me she said “yes”, and when I tried to bargain with her and told her that I would got to 90 AA meetings in 90 days, re-connect wih my sponsor, seek better employment, etc., she said something like “we’ll talk in 90 days”. She also said “if it’s meant to be, we’ll be together”, “I’m not going anywhere”, and “I need to re-group”.
These statements have me hanging on to the hope that we will get back together again (even though evry time we do, I end up in this situation again).
I know, I know, I should just let her/it go, but it’s not easy, and I keep telling myself that I love her, but at this point it has definitely become an addiction.
I am doing some positive stuff to help deal with it (this site, counseling, 12 step meetings, exercise, etc.), and I talked with someone today about it after a meeting. He said that I need to just have faith in my higher power (step 2), and to just let it go (step 3), but I am still struggling, and I get the urge to call her all the time.
I am praying for the obsession to be removed when it does happen, but I am still anxious and scared (of being alone forever). I can’t believe that this is happening again, and I am definitely not looking forward to the holidays.
My mind keeps remembering the previous breakups and the amount of time that passed between the breakup and when we got back together again, and other than the 7 months that passed this last time (when she was back with her ex), the longest one was 5 weeks, so my crazy mind thinks that she will be contacting me in a few weeks (especially since she told me that this time she is not with anyone else).
We have been apart during Thanksgiving in the 6 years of this on again off again relationship , but never during Christmas, and as I said before I am dreading the next couple of months.
Anyway, I need help and support, so please reply with any feedback, advice, or guidance.
HELP!!!!

scottod

But others I’ve re-visited at a later date, even when the other person has driven me mad. I got back in touch with a very old friend recently just after my mother died. To be honest, I don’t think we’ll ever go back to what we had, he has too many issues, and I’m stubborn about some of the ways he acted, but it was nice to see how he was doing.

Another woman I know, I stopped being involved with her as it was all about her. I do see her sometimes, but I keep her at a distance.

I find it very difficult to cut people out of my life if they’ve been a big part of it, unless they have really hurt me. However I definitely find it easier now to “re-frame” the friendship. If something’s gone wrong, they’ve let me down in same ways (or I’ve made mistakes) and we can’t work it out I accept it for what it is (at least for that moment).

I also find when I’m tired, stressed, or changes happening I really want to re-connect with people who have meant a lot, and “make things okay”. But that is changing, and I don’t get so worked up about it.

I wouldn’t worry too much about it movingon, as long as you’re not trying too hard to make amends with the “wrong” people I think there are times it can show signs of your humanity.

I am hoping that for myself the more I take care of me and my life the less I’ll be worried about it, and more accepting of what’s happened.

I go through it when I’m stressed, by this time of year do you mean the holiday period?

I have kind of this pressing desire to reconnect with people from my past (from a year or so ago, not beyond that). Not abusive people like my ex or my dad who are toxic trouble, but friends with whom I had a falling out or whatever.

I feel like for a while when I was in recovery, I was queen boundaries and was just chopping people out of my life left and right like some kind of deranged ninja. Something would go wrong and I would be like “I don’t need THIS!” and remove them immediately from my life.

Some of them were for the best, but I’m not sure all of them were. I think what triggered this for me is that an old friend got in touch with me recently and it’s been quite nice talking again.

Last night I decided to reach out to a friend who I had for many years; things ended really ugly between us in summer 2008. In retrospect, I did not handle everything as well as I could have. To be fair, neither did she. I figured I’d send out a “feeler” email, and she replied sounding quite a bit pissed off still and saying she doesn’t want to talk to me unless we rehash and settle everything that happened.

I get the feeling she is going to want me to take blame for everything, and that perhaps this is not going to go well at all. I will own my part but not more than that. Or maybe she’ll decide she doesn’t want to talk to me at all.

I guess I hoped that I’d reach out and we’d be able to be casual and cordial, like it went with this other friend who contacted me, but it’s not looking like that will come easy or be the case.

I don’t know why I want to make amends with people. Maybe it’s a huge mistake and a backslide in some way. It probably is both of these things. I guess I’m feeling a bit like so many things are out of our control in life that it feels good to repair things that are. I can’t control that my dad is a narcissist, my ex is crazy, my cat is dying. These are facts of life. But anytime I’ve had a fight with a friend (not one who was lousy to me) and we’ve made up later, we’ve both ended up feeling better about it, so I guess I feel like taking a shot.

Am I being silly, naive, regressing, or what?

I also agree that frequently the more someone insists on something, the less likely it is true. I remember that from therapy once. I was going on and on about how fine I was with something (related to my ex) and she stopped me dead in my tracks to say: “The lady doth protest too much.” I ended up laughing. Got me.

I think it’s great that you are not getting into a relationship simply to have a child. That could easily be a one-way ticket to hell. Would you consider having a child on your own? Adopting, etc?