October 2008
Hi all:
As you all know, I try to be a hands-off moderator and a very light handed administrator. But I’ve had to change some things recently in response to spam and copyright issues in the comments. Sometimes community safety has to be a priority over freedom to post.
Please be careful when posting links to third-party resources. Recently a commenter wrote about something helpful and another reader looked it up and found some of the material objectionable (not in an R rated way but in a fundamental belief way) and asked me if I agreed with it and I went to the website and read it and I really didn’t agree with it and it did go against some of what I do agree with.
The opinions of commenters here are not mine. If you find something helpful, that is terrific to let people know but please try to keep those to a minimum. I don’t want to ban that practice completely (I find many new things this way as well!) but keep it to “This book changed my life.” or “I find the writings of x to be helpful” type of references. If something is specifically endorsed on the right side banner (ie Grief Recovery Handbook, Susan Anderson’s book, etc), feel free to delve more deeply into it. Anything on the right hand side, either a link to books or to websites, has been fully investigated and endorsed by me and I have no problem with commenters talking at length about it. I’m also willing to check out things that people ask me about and include it. I’m trying to get to my copy of Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck and will include that when I finish it. I’m really not trying to restrict discussion but the safety of this community is paramount and no-gooders do slip in and I want to keep it safe. So erring on the side of caution is necessary.
I don’t normally police anyone and I really don’t read the references of regular commenters or go look up things they’ve talked about because I know them and they are all good resources. But spammers are becoming more sophisticated and burying references in otherwise generic posts. That was not the case in this one (it was actually a reference from a regular) but I can’t read everything that everyone talks about and while you are all free to discuss anything and everything I have to make sure this remains a safe environment and that no-gooders are not slipping things in and that readers and commenters feel safe here. If you want to talk about someone or something and want my opinion, ask. I will normally do a post about something that readers ask me about that I don’t think about in an “I need to write about that” way.
Also if something is posted here it does not have my endorsement unless it’s listed on the bar on the right side. So please know that the opinions here of third-party material are those of the commenters and not me.
When quoting ANYTHING AT ALL from another website or author please give full credit and please keep the quotes and references to a minimum. I fight copyright battles of my own every day and currently have one with a person on Friendster who copied my stuff with NO credit whatsoever. I would not like any other author or site ripped off and have their stuff on here. When posting third party information please please please please don’t copy large swaths of stuff and post it into your comments and PLEASE credit whatever you take including the website name but without a hyperlink (this explained below). I use Copyscape and Google to police my blog being copied all over the place and I go crazy when it is, so I don’t want to have others come to me about copyright violations. I tend to just delete comments where this is the case and I don’t want to do that to my readers. So please go light on posting third party stuff as much as possible.
The other thing I’ve done is disallow links within comments because there has been so much spam that they are all going in the spam filter. If you’re flagged as someone who consistently posts comments with links ALL your stuff is getting flagged by the spam filter (Akismet), not just the ones with links. So to avoid you all going to comment jail, I’ve disallowed links but if you have a blog or website, put the url in your address (in the space that allows it in comments) and reference it in your post (as in “I talked about this in my blog recently, click on my username to go to my blog…”). Also I will post your blog links on the side: GPYP Reader Blogs. Just shoot me an email about it.
Also please keep profanity to an absolute minimum. It is not necessary in civil discourse.
No personal attacks PLEASE. This must remain a safe forum and anyone engaging in personal attacks will be banned. You are free to disagree with each other but please let’s be civil and treat each other with respect.
Please keep “text speak” to a minimum. Please spell out your and you and other words that tend to be truncated in texting. It makes it easier to read.
If you inadvertently post your picture or a personal website link in your comment, I will delete it if you email me personally. However, unless you post identifying information about you or someone else, your comment remains on the blog. I can’t delete every comment someone thinks better of later on. So please post carefully.
If you are not getting replies to your comments, it may be getting lost in older posts. Post on the check in thread or introduction threads. If you’re not getting replies, ask why. Perhaps what you’re asking for isn’t clear. Don’t take it personally. We all want to help you. We don’t want anyone coming off a breakup to feel ignored! Let us know how we can help and that your questions were not answered. We WANT to help you!
We can agree to disagree without being disagreeable.
Please try to use more than a first name in your posts. We have several Kathy’s, at least 2 Lolas and a few Matthews and Mikes. It helps to distinguish you if you use more than just a first name. If your name is Susan please use some other letter or abbreviation or something to distinguish you from me. While I use susangpyp, many people see Susan and just think it’s me. Then I get emails about what you said. Thanks.
I know all this is a pain but with the number of readers here and the amount of real spam we get, I really have to do it to keep management to a minimum.
Sorry for this heavy handedness. I hope you understand.
How do I log in or register to begin to post?
no registration necessary. you put your email in your comment but only I can see it; no one else.
Susan, I just want you to know how much this site means to me. I started therapy, however, it has been site and your comments that is leading the way to my recovery. I have alot of work ahead of me. I now am becoming aware of my dysfuntional ways. Breaking no contact, feeling I need to come to the rescue of everyone….etc. I read something in this site every day and it helps me stay strong. And when I have become weal, it helps me get back on track. I haven’t been able to journey, mainly because I don’t anyone to see it and my deepest personal feeling. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Anyway, thank you. You are a special person.
Joline
Hi Susan. Your website has been very helpful to me. I’m trying to find all the posts I’ve ever made to help me realize how bad this person is treating me and that I’m in a vicious cycle. Can you help with that?
Johnny: you have 45 comments and they’re all in Getting Past Your Breakup and No Contact Again. Hope this helps!
Hi susan,
I’ve visited the site almost everyday for the past 3 months as I too am going through a breakup. After 12 years, my boyfriend has left me and our 3 children (I was 6 months pregnant with my 3rd at the time) and I just gave birth 2 weeks ago and I found out a week ago that he lives with another woman and that he had cheated on me at some point because he now has a son with her as well. When we 1st broke up I did decide that nc was best but now that I’ve given birth we’ve begun speaking. He says he loves me and wants to be with m but I find myself feeling so bad after our conversations, so I asked him to stop calling me again. He says he doesn’t want to do that because he still cares about me, and what goes on in my life. I’ve also started therapy which was helping but now I’m at an all time low.. any advice..
It does not matter what he says. But what matters (much!) is what he DID plus how you feel after your conversations with him (”so bad”). That is what matters. Trust your gut and try NC. Total NC will not be possible since you have kids together, but you need to clear your head and to have a break from communicating with someone who has hurt you this much. A man who cheats on his wife and leaves her whilst she is pregnant is NOT a man. He is a jerk.
Good that you started therapy. Must be difficult for you, with the new baby and the situation of the breakup after 12 years. My heart goes out to you. No matter what you do, please try to be as good to you as possible!
Ive been forwarded many blogs from your site from a friend of mine who recently is going through a break up. I too now am going through a break up (i initiated it) and the biggest challenge that im facing is that there has been second guessing my decision. There are many situations that occured but just to give a bit of background. I met my ex in Aug of last year. Ive dated quite a bit and felt an immediate connection with him. One that I never felt before. I still feel as if I have this onnection when things “are good”.
The beginning started off with him asking me to get rid of all of my guy friends (he has been cheated on by numerous woman in the past and had a horrible brought up). I took this into account and kept my closest friends close but not the ones that i was acquaintances with. He essentially doesn’t trust but I thought that I could gain his trust. I am and have always been loyal to him however I do have a friendly personality and on many occasions he took it out of context.
Another issue that he had was that i didn’t keep him updated to things that i was doing. For example if im going out with the girls and didn’t let him know or if he knew i was going somewhere but plans changed and i didn’t update him he would be furious. The latest argument was exactly about this. I had told him I was going with a friend of mine and while we were leaving i ended up meeting some other girls that we ended up talking too for hours.
In these situations I feel like in a relationship as a courtesy you let the person know whats going on however be accepting of things changing correct?
i ended up early on in my relationship being laid off and getting pregnant. He essentially distanced himself from me and left me and shortly thereafter started dating someone else. He 2 months later contacted me apologizing profusely that he was not prepared to handle the stress from me loosing my job and the pressures he had in his life.
I have a child and we were talking about moving in together. But i am not involving her in any situation where we haven’t worked out issues out. After the latest arguement i broke it off.
I will be honest when i say that now im second guessing myself thinking that over time communicating,and developing relationship security with him knowing that i wanted only him and vs versa all of these problems would go away? im just not sure.
Guys: feel free to cut and paste your posts to the Check in or Recent Breakup threads. I’m going to close this to comments since the comments will get lost here. Thanks!!