I hear it all the time, “I want him or her to miss me.” or “I want to know I mattered.” or “How could he or she just go on like that as if I wasn’t there?”
We’ve talked time and time again on here and in the book about this holding onto the opinion of the ex.
Let’s break this down, shall we?
Either ex-bananahead left you or was such a bananahead that you left.
This event says, “There’s something wrong with us. It can’t be fixed.’
Someone broke up with someone. And they broke up because it wasn’t working or wasn’t enough to avoid temptation of other people, places or things. Or it was just not a fun time. One person gets a clue. Any number of good reasons. Any number of stupid reasons. People break up for many, many reasons. And sometimes none of them make any sense.
Sometimes one person is frustrated and upset in the relationship and decided to break it off to show their partner what life is life without them. This person breaks up, not with the expectation of moving on, but with expectations that their partner will have a D-BOM moment, of a complete turnaround, of an “oh shit what have I lost?” minute.
I’ve written on here about a friend who was frustrated because his wife and he were arguing over the same issue over and over and she wouldn’t go to counseling. He decided to serve divorce papers on her to wake her up. He woke her up alright. She hired the best divorce lawyer in the state and basically went to war against him. He. lost. everything.
Giving an ultimatum or breaking up a relationship as a strategy sometimes backfires in a big way. You expect your partner to come to his or her senses and that doesn’t happen. They go “okay” to the breakup and move on.
And you think, “This was not my plan.”
Well too bad because that’s the way it’s going. We can sometimes make people “snap to” but sometimes we can’t. Sometimes the change we’re asking for is something they can’t or don’t want to deliver. Sometimes it’s too much work. Sometimes they just don’t value the relationship enough to do it.
There should only be ONE plan when you breakup with someone: to stay broken up. Now and til forever. Any other plan is manipulation and nonsense. Sometimes people think they just need a break, but that’s usually just postponing the inevitable. Getting to the end in stages.
I once had a boyfriend who was still angry about a breakup two years prior. It was a long-distance relationship and he was the one who flew to where she was and was the extreme giver in the relationship. When she broke up with him, supposedly unexpected, he left with the clothes on his back and not much to his name. All of his resources in the past year had been spent on going to see her, paying for everything when he got there, sending her gifts. The breakup devastated him.
When we were friends he told me that he still wrote long angry letters to her. My head said, “Dude, you need to get over this.” My heart said, “Oh you poor little broken man, I think I love you.”
Why was I surprised that in the relationship he was very “streaky” as far as giving and being present was concerned. Sometimes I honestly felt that he was deeply in love with me. Other times I felt he couldn’t give a damn. Something in him must have decided he was never giving his all to a woman again. When he was like that, he was impossible to get to.
I could have stood on my head and spit nickels and he was never going to understand that I was not her and I was not going to do what she did. He could have stood on his head and spit nickels and I was never going to understand that some days he was emotionally burnt out and didn’t want to deal. Even though it had been two years, he wasn’t ready.
So when I left, he didn’t really care. It was less work and effort. He didn’t have to be beholden to me at a time he didn’t want to be beholden to anyone.
But he would suddenly pop up, usually on a day I was doing well and tell me he missed me a lot and that was when he was having an emotionally up day, when he had something to give to someone. “I miss you” and $22.50 will get you a coffee at Starbucks. It’s not worth the oxygen expended to say those words.
The MoAB called me TWO YEARS after we had separated and he had moved in with someone else (I think they might have been engaged at the time) out of the blue and said he missed me. I said nothing and he said, “You could say you miss me too.” Really? Is that what I could say? And who is sponsoring this overly-dramatic moment? Are we on TV? Why is this conversation even happening?
Who cares if you miss me? That’s your issue. It says nothing about what I was to you, or could have been, or the fact that you appreciate me or maybe even still love me. If any of that were true, we’d be together.
People say “I want NC and he or she hasn’t even TRIED to get in touch with me.” Well bravo for both of you. NC Is NC it’s a not a fake line in the sand daring someone to step over it. Do not be upset when you draw a boundary and the ex respects it.
Sometimes (imagine this) both people realize the value of NC and commit to it. Just because it was your idea doesn’t mean the ex is not committed to it. Your ex might actually be relieved and realize this is the best way for both of you to move on.
Wishing an ex to break NC or send some little “thinking about you” text doesn’t make who you were or what you had any more valuable. The value of you and your former relationship should be in YOUR eyes….what it meant to you and what you mean to you is what matters. Waiting for crumbs thrown from someone who doesn’t want to be with you anymore is not valuable. It means nothing, it says nothing and it’s worth nothing.
I know how it feels to be flabbergasted and shocked that someone who was so close to you and you meant so much to simply doesn’t miss you. Didn’t miss a beat before moving on. We all want to know we mattered. But some people are simply able to put you behind them and face forward. Not really healthy but that’s not your problem.
And people do it all the time. ALL THE TIME.
It has nothing to do with whether you mattered or not. It has to do with them. It’s their issue. The only thing that matters now and must matter now is your healing. And your healing starts by letting go of them and what they think/thought about you.
You matter. And you want to be surrounded by people who know that. You matter.
I don’t remember if I saw this here or heard it elsewhere, but someone said “If the person misses you, it’s because every day they are choosing not to be with you.” That REALLY stung at the time, but it’s because it’s dead on.
It’s true that sometimes our exes just move right on, without missing a beat, and don’t seem to miss us. But let’s say they do — it still means nothing, and they’re still letting us go. Special, wonderful us. The right one never would do that.
I’m new to this blogging stuff so I hope I do it right. I am also new to the GPYB book. It is just what I need right now and need support as well.
I just finished reading Chapter 2 and I think over the past 3 months since he went to jail due to stranguling me and I have since divorced him..I have said or thought daily, “I hope he misses me” or “I hope he is feeling as sad, lonely, and miserable as I am.”
Thank you.
I haven’t posted in forever, but I HAD to post my thoughts about this entry. I am QUEEN of saying, if only I knew that he thought about me, or missed me, or that I meant to him what he said I meant to him for the time we were together, it would make it so much easier to move on b/c the rejection is what truly hurts, and thinking that everything that person said to me for the period we were together was possibly BS, hurts even more. Yet, when I look at the last couple of months of our relationship, and how unhealthy it was – the bickering over nonsense, the fact that we were so opposite, and came from two entirely different backgrounds. The fact that I didn’t believe his parents really cared for me, and didn’t want us together long term, which was def the center of most of our fights, and knowing that he was rational in ending it (not how he ended it though), makes me understand that it is what was necessary for us both bc the realtionship was not healthy and was not headed in a good direction. Yet, knowing what we shared for the 2 years we were together, knowing how AMAZING the love was and how DEEP the connection was is what makes me sit here sometimes and say, I don’t know how this person has gone 8 months without contacting me whatsoever. This after breaking up with me in an email (asking for “space”) only to never talk to me again. Was it his way, or the only way of him being able to cut me out of his life bc he DID love me and mean everything he said, but he knew the relationship wasn’t healthy, OR was it bc his feelings had changed and either he meant what he said when he said it, but felt differently, OR was everything BS?? Was it bc he knew that he was young & needed to go out & explore the world before he committed his life to med school. Was it because he had never lived away from home other than college, and doesn’t really have any life experience & felt that he needed to go out & find himself? Was it that he felt a need to make his parents happy by finding a girl who is Jewish and from his same background? Really, NONE of this MATTERS. The realtionship wasn’t healthy in the end, no matter how much I loved him, and whether or not he was still in love with me the same. There will be people in our lives at various times who we may love and might not be meant to be with. I think this is the hardest reality to come to terms with.
this post just shows me again how ego can mess things up and not really want to communicate more deeply about the bigger things when the relationship is going off of the rails….
with me anger had built up so much that I lost perspective in how much she meant to me…we broke us…4 wks later i send her an email on a cheque coming her way…she replies hoping i’m doing ok and she ‘d love to hear from me…that ignites not real talk from me as in ‘i miss us…i didn’t want this to happen…i feel we both made mistakes and want to talk.’ …she did say all she was capable of was friendship….sucks how we had both gotten to a point of letting a boil fester so deep that it spread so wide in our discontent…..how many chances we both missed (it is a 2 way street) of opening our hearts to be honest and that big word VULNERABLE…I did try but it was through stupid emails…for over 3 months we didn’t pick up the phone to talk but it was all through emails…how is that for emotional cowardice on both our sides…..
lesson: in my next relationship i’m going to give it all and not hold back when hurting and/or concerned about the ’state of the union’ before it snowballs into something more significant (but she often would say ‘i don’t want to go there’…she could be like a guy in that way and just shut me down letting my anger grow and emotionally retreating into passive aggressiveness).
i have to keep remembering: ‘now it doesn’t matter cause it’s over’ and equally important (if not more so) to get out of the ‘coulda, woulda shoulda’ headspace where i can often find myself….that sucks bigtime….but the more i’m good to myself the less i go there.
Thanks, Susan. I definitely needed this today. It’s a constant struggle trying to remind myself to focus on ME and not worry about what he’s thinking because IT DOESN’T MATTER. This is a great quote that I need to remind myself of:
“Who cares if you miss me? That’s your issue. It says nothing about what I was to you, or could have been, or the fact that you appreciate me or maybe even still love me. If any of that were true, we’d be together.”
During my last breakup/NC, “Does he even miss me? Doesn’t he WANT to contact me?” constantly ran through my mind. This is a bit counterproductive but when you are still very hurt and vulnerable it does help a little. I would remind myself that I missed him. And part of me wanted to contact him, but I wasn’t going to because it wasn’t the right thing to do for either of us. I would tell myself that my ex felt the same way. Just because the ex isn’t contacting you doesn’t mean he/she doesn’t want to, sometimes they just know they shouldn’t. Hopefully they care about you enough not to do that to you. Like I said, I know its counterproductive to think that way, because the whole point is that IT DOESN’T MATTER. But that thought got me through my vulnerable stage and helped me transition into the focusing-on-me-stage.
The other day I broke NC with the ex but for the first time, I reached out to him. He responded, but after all was said and done, I felt really bad that I did that to him. I thought about how it made me feel to not hear from him for days, then have him reach out to me and it would send me into a tailspin. I thought, what if I sent him into a tailspin? I didn’t have the right to do that. I felt really guilty and it was a definitely wake up call. Now I know for sure I definitely won’t do it again.
“Sometimes one person is frustrated and upset in the relationship and decided to break it off to show their partner what life is life without them. This person breaks up, not with the expectation of moving on, but with expectations that their partner will have a D-BOM moment, of a complete turnaround, of an “oh shit what have I lost?” minute.”
I did this exact thing.
I initiated the breakup but I didn’t think she would go through with it. I though she would come back.
Instead, some guy she met on her vacation started talking to her and now 3 months later she is in a long distance relationship with him.
I was stupid. I was too buzy blaming everything on her. Picking fights with her. I was sitting on my highhorse after we broke up and my ego didn’t see how “i broke up to get back together”. My ego didn’t allow for me to call her and ask her if she wants to try working on it again.
She hasn’t left me alone even though she has a new b/f. We haven’t gone over 3 days without contact.
I had to help her and her family move this past weekend (I had promised i would). The day was perfect, she called me at night and started crying saying i dont understand where we went wrong or why we broke up. I spilled the bean and told her exactly that I broke up to get back and apologized. She said I am so confused, you are perfect and literally live 2 minutes away from me. If you had said this a month or 2 months ago i would’ve been willing to date again. But now i am in another relationship.
I told her it’s best that we don’t remain friends and go our own separate ways. So hopefully she doesn’t call me. Because I still have a hard time ignoring her phone calls. She keeps stalling ‘no contact’. Its been 3 months, and I’ve repeatedly told her to “leave me alone” ever since i found out she has a new guy in her life.
Live and learn.
This post is hitting right on the nail, Susan. My ex-bananahead wanted to break/breakup with me 3 times while we were together (and we were only together for 7 months!). The first time I pleaded him for another chance so the break didn’t happen, but for the other two times, I said “OK, let’s end this. I don’t want to force you to stay in a relationship that you don’t want to be in.” But each time, he came back telling me he didn’t want to lose me, apologized, and told me how I have all the qualities he’s looking for in a woman when he thinks of me, and that we don’t have any communication problems when we have disagreements (we don’t yell or call each other names – we sit down and discuss our issues very calmly and maturely). I think he wanted to breakup with me just to see me crawl back to him so I would jump through more hoops for him after we get back together.
After the third breakup that he initiated, I agreed to take a risk and give it one more shot after he told me he wanted to fix things between us. However, my eyes were wide open this last time.
Things went blissfully well for 1 month thereafter, but then he started to act up again, blaming me for things I didn’t do and said that I “failed” him twice in 1 day because of picnic food preparation (I didn’t NOT prepare it) and timing of leaving a concert (we didn’t miss the shuttle). That’s when I woke up and really saw who he was and how he was treating me.
I got up and left him. He agreed to the breakup, but I think he was still thinking in the back of his head that I’d crawl back, because this other woman whom he dated 2 years ago called him up for dinner just a few months before he met me. He probably thought I’d act the same way (she also dumped him). Wrong. I don’t breakup easily, but when I do, it’s with much thoughts and consideration. When I say goodbye, I mean it, and I walk away completely.
It has been a tough 4 months healing from this breakup, especially when I found out he jumped into another relationship just 1 month after I dumped him. But I know I made the right/healthy decision for myself, and I’m doing the right/healthy thing by taking this time to face my pain, disappointment, and grieve properly…while he’s not.
My friends have been asking me what I’d do if I run into him. I didn’t know how I’d react up until now. Now, I know that if I run into him, I’d hold my head up high and walk right past him with a smile on my face without looking at him as if he’s a complete stranger to me on the street. I don’t feel the need to acknowledge him, recognize him, and to say hi to him if I see him again. He’s not a healthy person, and I don’t wish to have any type of association or connection with someone like that. Not for all the pain and drama he’s put me through. No way.
FootballGirl:
“I don’t feel the need to acknowledge him, recognize him…etc…”
I am adopting this thought ~ it is very true, why would I want anything to do with anyone who caused so much pain and drama in my life?
Thanks for your insight.
I have to admit that I also “broke up to show him what life was like without me”. I really did not want our marriage to end, but I was so overwhelmed and miserable. I tried to communicate how I felt. Not being healthy myself, it was the only thing I knew how to do. Because I kept waiting for us to “see the light” and “live happily ever after”, I delayed my own progress for a year. I stayed involved in the crazy-making thoughts and behavior, but I was slowly making progress even against my own best efforts not to.
I now can see how detrimintal the relationship was for both of us. I also can see how important NC really is, regardless of the circumstances. After the last reconcilliation attempt, I knew it would never work. At that time I walked away for the final time with the intention of closing that chapter of my life, as much as it hurt.
Like Football Girl, I feel that he is a complete stranger to me. It must be the moving on process, but I feel that he never really knew me or accepted who I was, even though he will preach all day that he knows me better than anyone.
As always, thank you for this post Susan. Again, it helped me identify behaviors and feelings that will only make me stronger.
you know what really sucks, too, is that I wonder had we just remained friends we could possibly have had a better and longer track record….sure friends can bust up as we well know, but being lovers is yet more precarious …
yeah i know it’s mere speculation but i still feel a deep sadness in losing totally a relationship with ‘L’…i still haven’t decided to totally let go of that option or not…again my ego/pride/healing all combine to create a distance.
For all those whose exes have respected NC and not shown signs of missing them: please appreciate your good luck because this is the best thing they could do to help you recover!!!
Last Thursday I had the ex-BH texting and phoning again begging for another chance and saying he will never be happy without me etc etc. Now please note, I’ve already fallen for the please-come-back BS twice and agreed to reconciliation attempts that went horribly wrong. AND he’s in a relationship with another woman right now. So I’ve learned my lesson and it’s obvious that this is a great big giant pool of dysfunction, and I told him to leave me alone. But it still really throws me. On Friday and Saturday I had to work SO hard not to pick up the phone and call him, it brings all the hard feelings right back. Only now, after nearly a week of NC, am I back to my former happy enjoying-my-own-life state. And that’s only possible because over the last 17 months I’ve had loads of time and done loads of work to get over him.
It’s seriously at the point where I’m thinking about changing job so that there is no work-related reason for him to contact me and I can block his number. If he can’t grow up, accept that he decided to break up with me himself and stop whining that he misses me, then at the very least I don’t want to have to hear about it or know about it ever again.
Frankly the whole “I miss you” crap is just twisting the knife in the wound. You know, the big gaping wound where the person now claiming to miss you stabbed you in the heart.
I haven’t posted here before but I have been reading for a while. As most of us here I am trying to end a very dysfunctional relationship. A little bit of background, been dating, living with and then back to dating him for 5 years now, for almost a year now breaking up and getting back together, I think I’m at the point now that I had it and I promised myself I will stay NC for good. Everytime we break up is him telling me he’s not sure if he want us or not, everytime he decides we should stop talking I don’t try to contact him at all, may be a little bit of dignity is left in me…but very little because when he contacts me, I give in and there we go again, a couple of weeks will go by and then again, the break up……over and over again, and I know is wrong, I know at this point he’s not the one for me thanks to Susan and many others here but it’s hard and it’s easier to go back to the crazy rollercoaster than to face the reality and move on. I want to stop this for good this time, we “broke up” last week again last Wednesday but ran into each other on Saturday and back to us for a few days today I think is the end again and we won’t be talking….I blocked him in most of my e-mails accounts, only the one at work won’t allow me to block him, but I decided I won’t answer this time when he e-mails me. I’m not sure if I’m making any sende here I guess I’m trying to put it out some how. My question is, when/if he tries to contact me or just e-mails me a random message, do I just ignore him…. or a quick reply asking him to stop contacting me should be okay…..I have ignored him before but it didn’t last and I know he is used to me not meaning it when I ignore him. What would you suggest?? I appreciate all of you there, many have helped me without even knowing, and of Course Susan the one thet helped me the most, I know I changed during this time, I should have changed long time ago but like I said the known even when crazy and unhealthy alwyas seems the way to go….until Susan.
Thank you for let me vent.
My advice as someone who’s dealing with a very similar situation but a few months further on is – ignore ignore ignore. Yes he may be used to you not meaning it, but if you keep ignoring him he will get the message that you do mean it this time. Replying lets him know that he’s still getting to you and encourages his crazy behaviour even if only in a slight way.
It is like a rollercoaster – I’ve come to think of the dysfunctional pattern with my ex as the ‘crazy-go-round’. It whirls me off balance, makes me feel slightly sick and then deposits me right back where we started. So if I see his number pop up on my phone, my mantra is “ignore – don’t get back on the crazy-go-round.”
musingmirella thank you for you answer and I know you are right, I guess I just need somebody to confirm I am right….that’s my low selfsteem kicking in I guess.
‘ignore-don’t get back on the crazy-go-round” I think I might adopt your mantra too, I just wrote it in a post it and sticked it on the side of my screen where I can see it everytime I’m checking my e-mail.
Why is that even when we know better is it so hard to let go??
Thank you.
I think that it’s hard to let go because of fear. Fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, fear of having to deal with our own issues. It’s easier to stay with what’s comfortable, even if that comfort isn’t necessarily right or good. At least that’s what it is for me, my ex and i broke up and made up so many times and then in the past 8 months since our final breakup, I have broken NC so many times when he has contacted me. It isn’t easy but you deserve something so much better, and you need to believe that!
A little trick I used on my cell phone was to name the ex “Ignore!” When the phone rang and it came up on my caller ID it reminded me to just “Ignore!” How can you answer the call when it’s staring at you “Ignore, Ignore, Ignore!” :)
Great post Susan!
I used a similar strategy, but the wording was a little different :)
TangoLola
Having been on the receiving end (several times) of random messages from ex’s (who were all banaheads!) I can say with certainty that receiving these messages is not a sign that someone ’still cares’ for you or that it is ‘fate’ or that they never stopped loving you. I used to think this and once upon a time I took the bait – every single time. But it never lead anywhere but to more heartbreak, more pain… sometimes shortlived reunions would be involved but those reunions just made the breakup even worse.
The thing is… if someone loved you, if they cared about you, if it was fate, they never would have left in the first place. You would be together in a stable loving relationship, not going into a tailspin because someone sent you a text message or sent an email or left a message on your facebook page or whatever.
Out of all of my failed relationships, I only ended 2 of them. And as lonely as I may have been after ending those relationships I never contacted those exes because deep down I knew it was wrong to toy with someone’s heart like that.
These banaheads that contact us randomly after breaking our hearts don’t give a damn about whether or not they will hurt us with contact. They are only thinking about themselves and how THEY feel and what THEY need. This is why 1) we should always ignore them when they break no contact and 2) when an ex doesn’t contact us post-breakup we should take the high road and assume that they are a decent person who does not want to further hurt us.
Well said, Genevieve. I agree 100%.
Contacting someone whose heart you broke is just selfish and inhumane, as far as I’m concerned. If you cut someone loose, cut ‘em loose.
I always say that you can tell a lot about a person by how they act during/after a breakup. It speaks volumes about their character.
If someone is a bananahead during an entire relationship, chances are they will follow suit after the fact. These things tend to be consistent. It sure was with mine.
I think that’s so dead on. I’ve been in two relationships, and only ended one. The one I ended I never called or contacted that person again. When they contacted me, I never returned their call. It made me feel awful to do that, but I knew that it would be wrong to lead them on.
I’ve been NC now for three plus weeks and this is making me so miserable. I know it’s for the best. The last time I didn’t answer his generic text asking how I was doing, I didn’t respond. He then texted me 30 minutes later on how he was sorry and that it was stupid to text me and I would never hear from him again. I could tell he was upset by the tone of the message. I know him well. Like I said, I know this is the best but I am so depressed. I guess the fact that I will no longer talk to him etc is hitting home in the worst way. I didn’t want this! He left me by surprise after 5 years of taking care of him and his kids. No warnings, no talking to me, no nothing. Surprise! I’m leaving you today. The weekend before he left was great to! Was romantic and fun. Makes no sense at all. Then he kept going back and forth for two months afterwards because he couldn’t make up his mind, but I insisted on some sort of answer, for my own sake. Couldn’t keep living not knowing if we could work it out or not. When push came to shove, he chose out. Wanted to be “friends” though. I can’t do that! A month ago he said he looks everyday to see if I’ve emailed him. In the beginning he said maybe we could try again in six months, he needed to do this, said to keep going to therapy, maybe we shouldn’t talk for a few months to see what we both want. Is this a game? Is he trying to make me see how great he was? I wasn’t much to him after he left: I hardly heard from him. Then I stopped answering and now I am nothing. He’s erased me from everything, deleted, invisible, forgotten, a zero. After 5 years he doesn’t miss me at all? It’s that easy? I don’t get that. Makes no sense. And what about his children? Surprise kids! I left her after 5 years and you will never see her again! Huh? I know it doesn’t matter but I can’t stop thinking about him, it, what happened, etc. Soooooooo many If Onlys! Now I have to start over at almost 45 years of age. How can he be so cold? So unfeeling? Is he NOT sad himself? I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together and now I am alone in my huge house. I have such a small family: a daughter, brother, nephew and two granddaughters, all busy with their own lives. Two friends and two cats. Living alone for the first time in my life. I want to get over this but have such a hard time imagining I’m so easily forgotten. I have Susan’s book. I’ve been in therapy for the last three months and last night I was crying, more so than ever before in front of my therapist. I also attend a DivorceCare Group (we weren’t married) and joined a bowling league that meets every other Thursday but I am still sad beyond words. My self esteem has always been a bit low because I had a father who didn’t love me. Thought I was an idiot, loser and dumb was his favorite word when talking to me. My self esteem was ok when we first started dating but he had an issue with trust and repeatedly thought I was looking for someone else, which was totally false! After a few years it became insulting. He had really low self esteem himself though I tried to boost his ego as much as I could. Now I get dumped out of nowhere and pretty much wasted 5 years of my life and this selfish jack a$$. Why isn’t he missing me? I’m lost :-(
I think that is the worst part of any breakup – the sense that you wasted precious time with someone, invested yourself and your life and your dreams, and now… there is nothing.
The thing is, and I never thought I would say this, but I don’t think anything in life is a waste… things happen along the way – horrible things… people leave us, people die, circumstances change.. but in the end, essentially everything that happens, good or bad, moves us along the path. Whether you spent 5 years with this man or not, 5 years still would have passed. You still have yourself and you still have this moment in time…
There are no guarantees in life.. I think we all have to take life as it comes and know that bad things happen to us all… but that good things happen too.
Things will get better. In the meantime you should read Susan’s book and anotehr book called “Forgive for Good” by Fred Luskin. You’ll get through this. My grandfather used to say ‘It’s always darkest before the dawn.’
I have a suggestion for those whose ex’s are still bugging them with phone calls and text messages. Program their number with the name “IGNORE” or “DO NOT ANSWER” so when they try to contact you, you’ll see “IGNORE” or “DO NOT ANSWER” on the screen and be reminded to stay NC.
This is what I do with some telemarketers. If I catch their caller ID #, I’d program it as “DO NOT ANSWER” so the next time they call, I’d just ignore the call.
Just a thought. :)
This is absolutely LOVELY! Intelligent! I usually program my telemarketers’ numbers with some bad swear words in my language. Never thought this trick for NC! Well, I will spread the word for those who might need it :)
I mean…I realize intellectually that all of this is true, but I also have these crippling insecurities that suddenly, my own ex-BH started to find me repulsive and was actively trying to get me to leave him the fuck alone, which makes me feel like a loser, because I’ve seen him mourn the loss of other exes. I don’t know, it felt like he reserved a special level of disdain for me, whereas for other exes he’d get upset. And THAT – it made me feel uniquely like a loser. It sucks. And I’m the only ex right now who’s NC, I think. And it’s taken SUCH a toll on my self-esteem for the past five months.
I don’t know where to begin with this post since the experience was so profound for me, but I will try my best to articulate the experience for all of you.
If you read my previous posts in the earlier thread, you’ll know my story and the profound sense of loss I have experienced lately (girlfriend breaking up with me, my favorite bar with a lot of good friends losing their jobs because it is going out of business due to the economy, etc.).
Last night, I had a bit of a break down and was crawling on the floor sobbing asking God for help and guidance. I will preface this story by saying that I am not really religious and have always struggled with the concept of whether there is a God or not.
Last night, I cried harder than I have in my life and I felt close to some type of end — just giving up. I fell asleep and this is where the most profound experience of my life began.
I went into a dream where I was at the top of Pike’s Peak located in Colorado Springs. My ex Lynnea was sitting beside me. It was a warm spring night and we were both looking over the city together. I remember looking at her and smiling and I reached out to her. She grabbed my hand and we stood up together. We then proceeded to give each other the biggest hug of our lives. We just embraced one another and pulled each other close. I remember the touch of her hand and her arms wrapped around me tightly.
She started crying and so did I. I hugged her more tightly and just grabbed her with everything I had — something I didn’t really do when we dated.
I remember after we let go of each other, we just held one another’s hands as we looked over the city of Colorado Springs. I remember letting go of her hand and walking towards the edge of a large cliff. I pointed out different places to her that I recognized and started to talk about all the places we had been together. I stood alone looking down at the city lights while speaking to her. When I turned back around to face her, she was gone.
I looked all around but could not see her at all — she was gone. I then started to cry and sat down on the ground. Beside me, this crystal … some type of brilliant diamond, started glowing a brilliant blue. I picked it up in my hand and held it while it grew brighter. It grew amazingly hot in my hand but I clutched it more tightly. Somehow, through instinct, I knew that this crystal represented love. It represented the accumulation of all my experiences, both through life and with her.
I remember it growing so bright that it lit up the entire sky a brilliant blue, but it still didn’t hurt to look directly at it. At that point, it floated up above me and over the cliff and illuminated everything. It shot out waves of brilliant light that hit my body. The first wave sent be back into the past where I was in a hospital room. My mother was giving birth to me while my father stood there crying. I started crying my eyes out at the scene.
I then heard a voice that said, “You are beautiful, and you loved her more than any other man will ever love her.” I knew it was God speaking to me. I remember then leaving that scene and going back to the mountain top. Another wave of light shot out from the crystal and instantly I was standing below a man who was nailed to a cross. This man had been rejected by most of humanity. I was forced to experience that pain for a moment, and it was more profound than anything I had ever felt. I screamed out for God to stop this, because it was unbearable. I remember tears coming out of this man’s eyes as blood ran down from his chest and dripped off his feet.
I was then back on the mountain top with the crystal still emanating waves of light. I remember a voice in my head speaking something to the effect of, “I make all things new.” I fell to my knees gasping for breath because the emotions were overwhelming to me.
At that point, I was suddenly thrown back into time when my father used to take me out to this special pizza place. We would go there together every Friday evening and it made me so incredibly happy as a child. I then was put into my father’s frame of mind and realized that he loved me unconditionally and that these moments gave him so much happiness.
I was then thrusted into moments from other people’s perspectives and how I changed their life for the better. God told me that I was a *good* person and that I should be proud of my life, my family and all the good that I had spread to other people.
I woke up and my first reaction was a profound sense of emotion that caused me to crawl on the floor sobbing. I nearly called into work because the experience was so profound that it had thrown me outside of reality into a type of “super-reality.”
It took me a lot of time to comprehend what I had been through, but I suddenly had no doubt in a God and no doubt in myself as a person and what I had done for Lynnea during our time together.
I now have absolutely no pain. I feel like an anvil has been lifted off my soul. I am completely healed.
I wish everyone could have this type of experience regardless of their religious affiliations or life history. A lot of the pain that I carried due to my relationship with my mother was lifted. I feel like a completely free person.
I don’t know what else to say. I know this sounds heavy but I wanted to share the experience with all of you. For one of the first times in my life, I feel like I can breathe freely in the spiritual sense. As if I had been dying spiritually, I feel completely renewed.
I can’t believe I had the experience, but I did. I don’t understand why or how, but it happened.
I hope every one of you receive some type of experience like this.
denverbachelor,
Wow, what a powerful dream/experience. Thank you so much for sharing. I felt a little emotional reading this, since I am a believer and all :-) You should feel very lucky for having been so lucky to experience something so powerful.
Denverbachelor,
There is a story similar to yours in the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I think you might find it interesting, if you enjoy reading.
Thanks for sharing your dream,
L
This post couldn’t be more relevant. I was getting better. I was facing the reality of the relationship, how relatively early it started going south. I was getting out, reaching out to new people, crying less. Then I broke NC. Talked a few times. Went to see him play (especially bad, because he does that cute performer persona and because being the musician’s GF was a role that I I loved). Asked him if I could borrow a tool (yeah, I know, I know, an excuse to be in touch). Then several emails and calls to figure when I could get the tool, each bringing me further and further down.
Picked up the tool, and seeing him has put me back, way back. For the first time since the breakup, I let him know via email how hard a time I’ve been having. “Can’t we just talk and be friends?” he responds, without a hint of the excruciating pain in which I’ve been drowning. I truly believed that I could be in contact without any expectation that he would react in a certain way. I was wrong.
As others have said, if they really loved us, if they appreciated and cherished us, if they could communicate those feelings, if the relationships were good, we’d still be with them. In functioning, loving relationships, we don’t have to wonder. We don’t sit around in pain and anguish.
Oh please don’t keep in contact like this, it’s going to be agony if you choose to go this way! If you want to move on and give yourself a chance at having a REAL relationship – where he loves you back – you really have to turn your back on this one.
Doesn’t matter what he does, what he looks like, how nice his place is, how lovely his smile is in the morning, how blue his eyes are … all this stuff just totally derails you. Focus on how he is REJECTING YOU and let yourself take offence at that. You should feel a sense of offence at that – it’s an unpleasant thing. You deserve better. The truly grim thing is when we don’t take offence when we should – and that rejection gets mixed with scorn on their part. There is truly nothing worse. Don’t do that to yourself!
I don’t care WHAT he plays (and the two exes I lived with were amazing jazz musicians, take it from one who eventually stopped caring about their gigs and their stuff) – you are more important! Go take some classes yourself! Get so busy learning that Phrygian mode that you couldn’t give a damn. And you will respect yourself a lot more and surprise surprise he will respect you more for the distance you have put between the two of you. And better things will start happening in your life because you told the universe I’m Not PUtting Up With This Crap.
I went from idolising my rejecting second musician boyfriend to working on my stuff myself (am also a musician) and ending up touring with an international group. I used to think “would he be impressed if he heard? Would he like this music?” Then I realised these thoughts were just so pointless – basically he was only impressed with HIMSELF and what he was currently working on. He would have looked up for a second – considered it in a half-a**d kind of way – blinked, and turned back to himself and the task at hand. That kind of focus got him to where he is today. No-one else has much impact on the guy. Can you see my point here about why it’s not worth putting the focus on him and getting his attention?
Get fascinated with your own stuff, it’s the best way to heal and create an amazing life. There are ENDLESS things to learn and get good at and experience – go out there and do them. And walk away from this guy who doesn’t deserve your attention. Put that focus into your own life and watch it take off.
TangoLola
Hi midlifegf – I am so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I know you and I are both struggling with this NC thing. My ex and I have been in contact a few times this week. I initiated contact with him for the first time in the roughly six weeks it has been since we broke up. I sent him a text and totally beat myself up about it the next day. I told myself the contact NEEDS TO STOP. Tuesday afternoon at work I was reading the site, searching for all of Susan’s posts enforcing NC and reading her most influential posts over and over again (I ordered the book online last week and it still has not arrived!). As I was doing that, my office phone rang and it was him. It has caller ID so I even knew it was him. And I answered. As Susan’s words were on the computer screen in front of me and I had read them a hundred times, I reached over and answered that damn phone, knowing it was him! We chatted for a few minutes – we never really discuss our relationship. He always asks how I am and wants to get details of my life. I don’t tell him much, just what’s going on with work and school, and I ask about his kids but that is really all I ask him. I know he is trying to keep himself on my radar, so to speak. He hopes that by keeping in contact with me he can prevent me from moving on so he can come back to the relationship on his terms and he thinks I will take him back.
Last night he texted me that he wanted me to come to the new bar where he is working. It just opened a few weeks ago and he has asked me a couple of times why I have not visited him there yet. A smart person would reply, “Because we broke up and I don’t want to see you!” (actually a smart person wouldn’t still be in contact with him haha) but I just say, “I haven’t been in the area” or something to that effect. But last night I was in the area. I seriously contemplated going there and you know what I thought of? Your post. This one that I am responding to right now. I read it the day you posted it and I remembered you saying how far it set you back once you saw your ex (“way back”). So I left my friends and started walking back to my car, knowing his bar was just one block from where I was parked. I thought of your post, thought of everything I know that is right, and decided I wouldn’t go. Then I got to the street where my car was parked and there was his car, just two or three ahead of mine. I hadn’t even noticed it. Even seeing his car made me sad and shook me up a little, so I knew seeing HIM would have been so much worse.
TangoLola, you are so right. I was never that kind of woman whose identity got linked into what the guy did. Actually, I was never the kind of woman whose identity got linked into a guy, period. I don’t know what happened this time around, but it did have something to do with the music, the gigs. I walked away and now I totally get that I have to stay away. (newsflash–there’s music here he’s not part of!) And when I stop having to pay for therapy, I’m planning on taking vocal lessons! Thanks, TL.
saw my ex tonight for first time since april…well inadvertently that is ie, while she was driving in her car (don’t think she saw me)..was just ahead of me coming off of highway.
i realize the more i take care of myself…like realy taking care of me, the less i’m going to give her my power anymore…
tips i’m using on thinking less of her: one meditation person who was also doing a blog on getting over heartache suggests that whenever you feel obsessed with you ex, look immediately for some physical pattern around you and get intensely involved in examining its structure while you bring your focus inward more and more to gently embrace yourself…sure has helped…
in addition more and more lately (and i really hope this is not a phase) but whenever i’m remembering only the good times and start to fixate and feel stuck and sad i try to switch memories and recall the crappy situations that i had to put up with,too… so when ‘missing’ them, move cognitively towards the otherside of the emotional spectrum…hey if we’re going to engage in ’selective recall’ let’s balance things out a bit and swing the emotional racket to the other side of the court, too.
…also read: what advice would you give to a really dear friend who was in your shoes emotionally?…how would you treat them? then treat yourself in this same manner, via proper compassionate and reassuring self talk coupled with actions (affirmations coupled with supportive reinforcing actions are a powerful combo).
I’ve been trying to “swing the emotional racket” to the other side too. It’s not easy, since my ex is a good guy and so much of the relationship was wonderful. I try to remember the things that hurt me, but I can’t get angry about them or dismiss my ex as a bad guy because I understand why he acted the way he did, and I know it wasn’t his intention to hurt me.
What helps me stop missing him – temporarily – is thinking that he actually ended the relationship. He doesn’t want to be with me anymore. Now, it’s perfectly clear to me that it wasn’t working and that ending it was the healthiest thing we’ve done in ages, but I would never have been able to do it myself because I loved him and couldn’t imagine life without him.
He ended it, and although I can see he was right to do so I’m still…offended. Heartbroken and sad and guiltridden yes, but also just plain offended. And that helps me stop pining for a while.
your breakup sounds fresh…how long ago was it?…mine was over 1 year ago…but i pursued her with emails of ‘if only’ regrets ’til feb the next year…so really didn’t let go and stop pursuing her ’til 6 months later when she told she never really loved me etc…(i don’t really believe it but it worked in terms of me ‘having’ to move forward)…but those 6 months were some of THE most tortuous i’d ever experienced….only remembered how good she was, or how we were…now with more distance i can see clearly…unlike some who just diss their ex as a bananahead (well what does that say about you in choosing to be with someone like that, is my question) she wasn’t a ‘bad’ person…we both were not as loving as we could have been…bad match? maybe…fearful of really being honest/vulnerable emotionally? sure…like many people i’m sure…..sometimes things don’t make sense ’til wayyyy later…maybe you just got entangled due to loneliness or lust, or thinking some surface things were indicative of more meaningful deep values etc (but weren’t in hindsight)…or someone ‘changed’…whatever…you’re in pain…take care of you and get as much love as you can from friends and hobbies/passions…and also get love from yourself as best you can…this last item has been one of THE most important elements to healing.
hugs.
Thanks for the support. I’m sorry you had to go through so much pain. I can’t imagine how hurtful it must have been to hear her tell you she never loved you, even if she didn’t mean it.
My relationship ended only a month and a half ago, after almost seven years. I realize I will see many things differently as time passes, but I do think my ex is one of the kindest people I’ve known and his shortcomings in the relationship don’t change that. Why did we get together and break up? Well, there was an instant connection when we first met. A strong physical and intellectual attraction. We became lovers and best friends, we shared the same interests, and enjoyed spending time together. We loved each other, of that I’m sure. I think we could have been “right” for each other if we had worked through some of our issues before we met.
The reason it didn’t work out is, I think, not that we were a bad match per se, but that we both entered the relationship with some major dysfunctional behavior. Both have abandonment issues, he has low self esteem and is afraid of conflict, I have trust and intimacy issues, just to name a few things. I think we fell in love hard, and expected that bliss to save us from everything else and make us whole. I wanted him and the relationship to make me happy, and a lot of the time I was. When I wasn’t, it was easy to blame it on the relationship not working, or even on him for not making me happy. We spent so much time talking about how to fix the relationship, when we should have been fixing our own problems.
It’s obvious to me now that we were two unhealthy people who couldn’t have made it work, because there was no room to sort out our issues in the relationship. It wasn’t that I couldn’t have a life with *him* – i can’t have that with anyone until I get to the bottom of my “bad” behavior. That saves me from getting stuck in the coulda woulda shoulda, but it doesn’t stop me from missing all the good things.
You wrote: “get love from yourself as best you can…this last item has been one of THE most important elements to healing”. I’m glad you’re healing. I know you’re right, but I’m having a very hard time with it due to all the guilt I feel over hurting him. Sometimes I wish he was a “bananahead”, but nope, he’s just a good person who used to love me. Leaving me doesn’t make him less of a good guy.
But I do remind myself of the bad times, the endless arguments and yelling and anger and door slamming, the frustration and pain and sadness and disappointment. And that I don’t miss, nor do I ever want to experience it again. And that’s a starting point, I guess.
If it fell apart there was something wrong with it jc, I agree with you. And as far as the things you really liked about the relationship – you will probably have those, or new great things, with someone else. I know I was TERRIFIED that I would never feel the same way or have that same magic with anybody else. But once I got out there and started dating again, there were many other kinds of magic that I hadn’t experienced before, some amazing connections.
Maybe they weren’t long-term things but they made me realise that each relationship has its own joys, and some of the things you most love about a relationship probably start within YOU and can be repeated with someone else. You can decide what you loved about past connections and make sure it’s a part of something new – and if you do enough work you can make sure you don’t repeat the same mistakes.
And it’s not a waste of time – I also see people here worried about that. If you stayed in something until you didn’t – for your own reasons you had to be there. It was more comfortable than NOT being in that. And maybe you really didn’t have the resources to survive by yourself. But now you do, or you are developing them.
And for anyone who was left when they didn’t want to be – that experience was not a waste. If it was great – you know what bliss is in a relationship, and you will recognise it again, hopefully with someone who is more reciprocal in their affections. That’s what you deserve, so if this person wasn’t – you deserve more. And the breakup frees you to experience that with someone else.
I work with teenagers and young adults and see their dewey-eyed romances all the time, it’s sooo sweet when they have absolutely no idea and no baggage! Makes me think I want to do enough work on myself to get rid of cynicism and bitterness – and meet people with that innocence and faith that things CAN be amazing. At any age and despite any previous experience. That kind of simplicity – together with the ability to protect your heart till you get to know someone, and no mad rush to have things happen overnight – that could lead to nice relationships don’t you think? worth healing that pain.
TangoLola
Wise words, TangoLola, thank you. I’ve felt both the fear of never again experiencing the good things my ex and I shared, as well as feeling like I wasted all those years for nothing. I’m beginning to let go of those fears.
I think you’re absolutely right about a good relationship starting within yourself. I’m determined to do the work I need to do, which gives me hope about future relationships. These past seven years have been great in many ways, and I’ve learned so much. I’m only beginning to see the bigger picture and the things I need to change about myself, but I already feel stronger and even excited about that change.
I’m having a good day today, so it’s easy to be positive, but even though I’ll have plenty more bad days I know I’ll get through them. It’s going to be okay.
that tip on changing your perceptual focus to break thinking of ex…maybe it’s something to do with a perception and memory linkas sometimes when you’re really immersed in some strong emotional memory your perception is pretty rooted and intense…so maybe her suggestion as listed above has something to do with this ??…don’t know….but i know that even some nlp exercises also incorporate moving your eyes in circles when you start to get emotionally fixated, too….(and i’m not a believering in nlp, btw,just thought i’d add a notation)….even for treating stress disorders there is something to be said about perceptual modification.
Oh gosh…see…I am new here and posted to someone else’s post when I guess this is where I need to be. Sorry for not understanding blogs! :/
I’ve been divorced from H #3 now for 1 month. We have been separated since Aug 9 when he decided to strangule me. He remains in jail with no bond. I have a NC order and I am proud of myself that I have taken all the self-protective steps I have taken (changed locks, changed phone numbers, filed charges, refused to talk to his family, not visited/contacted or attempted to contact him, and filed for divorce). However, I can’t seem to get him out of my head. His possessions are still here in my garage.
I know I am processing a lot. He was a great manipulator and liar. Since he has been in jail, people have been more than willing to share the gorey details of his affairs at work and other activities. Why do I need to hear this? Someone whose relative works at the same jail thought she was doing me a favor by finding out all she could about what “life” was like for him at the jail thinking that would help me. NO! All this does is keep him in my head.
This morning I finished reading Ch 2 of the GPYB book and I’m working with a therapist weekly. I am getting a bit anxious because there is a possibility that he may get bond and be out of jail in a month. I want to be strong enough to be safe and to not have contact with him when he is out. I need support. I am so lonely and afraid to get involved with anyone else. This man betrayed me in ALL ways. All I was to him was his personal ATM and I worked so hard at being a good wife and provider. He scares me. He exhibits the manipulative, non-feeling behaviors of a sociopath…and this round in jail is one of many over 20 years.
Somewhere inside I know I am better than this, so why did I choose him and staying completely away from anyone right now feels the safest thing to do.
I feel like I am rambling…sorry.
Deb
Deb,
20 years of a relationship is a lot to get over. Be patient with yourself. You didn’t get this low in a few weeks, it will take time and effort to emotionally move away from him.
It sounds like you’re doing all the right things, but don’t feel like because he’s in your head that it means that you’re not. That is simply old programming that has to be overwritten by new. It’s almost like muscle memory, or habit. Don’t criticize yourself for your thoughts.
Set your boundaries with your “friends”. Let them know that you want nothing to do with this guy. He’s a danger to you mentally, emotionally and physically. The only thing you need to know is when he’s getting out of the pokey.
Continue on the current path. Understand that the part of you that is wondering about him, feeling anything line “yearning or pining” about him is not trying to hurt you. It is simply doing the things it’s always done to try to help, it just doesn’t understand that you need a different type of help, now. Don’t push it away, work on “unconditional acceptance” to these thoughts. When you have them, don’t judge them. Don’t hold onto them. Sit with them and let them float through you. Think of them like a fog bank. If you were sitting out on a mountain and a bank of fog came along, you wouldn’t fight it. You’d sit and let it pass over and around you, without judging it as “wrong, bad, unhelpful, discouraging”. If you get up and try to fight it, you’ll just expend your energy on something that was going to move on it’s way, anyway. You’re not inviting it, or giving permission for it to come your way, you’re simply not judging it. Don’t judge it and don’t judge yourself.
Do your reading. Continue Susan’s book and do the inventories. Journal. Read Women Who Run With Wolves, Codependent No More, Women, Sex and Addiction, Me Before We, Women Who Love Too Much… There are many more, but pick one and start reading. Some may seem more relevent than others, but you’ll gleen meaning from all of it.
You were strong enough to live through it, you’re by far strong enough to live away from it.
Great advice lele! Am reading a book called The Happiness Trap at the moment (haven’t got time to go and find the author right now, in mad rush) but he talks about how it’s our minds job to keep scaring us to death about possibilities, trying to guard us. If you keep listening to your thoughts and believing them – it’s too hard and we won’t ever do anything, or make any changes! He suggests just acknowledging the scary or otherwise negative thought, thank your mind for trying to help you (and not in a sarcastic way),then keep going doing what you need to do to change things. Those little trolls in the bottom of the ship aren’t going anywhere soon, but you can learn to live with them and tone them down a lot.
A lot of books suggest things that they claim will completely switch off these thoughts, this guy says that aint never gonna happen, so learn to appreciate your mind for trying to help – and continue on anyway. And they will back down and recede a bit, but it’s human nature! So forgive yourself for trying to help!
TangoLola
Hello Debs, everything lele4 says is so true… one other thing, get his stuff out your garage now. Dump it with one of his relatives or whatever.
I had a nightmare getting my ex to get his stuff out, luckily was only a few weeks of a nightmare, gives ‘em a chance to try and torment you.
take care of you.
Amen, Elles!
Rent a storage space if you have to, but get any reason he legitimately may have to contact you out. The less contact you allow the better off you’ll be.
Good luck and keep coming here. You’re definitely in the right place.
Help!! Help..
SO this is the deal with my ex bf i have been with him for 1 year and 7 months. For about 5 months he has been treating so badly. We just recently broke up because he lied to me about being sick. So he makes up this lie to me that he was going to the hospital, so i’m at house balling my eyes out and worried sick ‘caz he doesn’t call me. I keep calling him at his cell and he doesn’t pick up. SO the next day he calls me and just randomly starts screaming at me because I’m not home. He was telling me” you’re suppose to be at my house right now that’s what I told you to do.” So i’m just like what are you talking about?? SO he hangs up on me and i keep calling him and it turns out he was never at the hospital he was with his friend drinking beer so I’m just so upset because he has the audacity to somehow turn things around and say that why am I making such a big deal out of it. I was just stunned. I’m just so frustrated he keeps screaming at me telling me that he can’t trust me for no reason when i don’t go anywhere so we wont think wrong and there he goes doing things behind my back. He’s even put his hands on me! And I’ve forgave it all because I love him. He keeps telling me that he’s so sorry and that he’ll change but he doesn’t he keeps treating me bad and making me feel like I’m worthles. He told that nobody will ever love me that they’ll just want me for my body and my face but nothing else. And just feel so bad. I cry everyday ‘caz he was the one that i gave my soul to and he destroyed me! And i just have that little string of hope that he’ll change and maybe I’m just late. I still love him dearly but i just feels he’s taking advantage of me. He knows I love him. I really do. SO please help me!! ANYONE..
Hi alldoneo
Ok …… this will sound harsh so…….
If you dont want to hear this – stop reading now !!!!!!!!
But i think you need to hear this !!!
I am a guy …… I was brought up in a right way…..
I have a VERY dark and traumatic history…. so iv seen alot of things ……… my views on this are CRYSTAL clear !!!
Firstly, a man who lays his hand on you IS NOT A MAN !!!!
He is a wanker who has no self-control or respect for woman or YOU !!!!! If he has hit you before, he can and probably will again at some point…..
Maybe your home 15 minutes late, perhaps dinner isnt ready on time or whatever the case is ???
There IS NO EXCUSE FOR A MAN TO EVER DO THAT… UNLESS, HE IS IN PHYSICAL DANGER BY THE ACTIONS OF THAT WOMAN !!!
Secondly, what do you mean you forgave him ???
You need to wake up and realise that this guy is not treating you well AT ALL !!!
YOU CAN DO BETTER !!!
above comment continued……
There are SOOOOOO many men out there…. ones that will treat you well and NEVER raise a hand to you !!!
I get so ANGRY when men raise their hands to woman BUT, i also get annoyed when those woman stay with the men that beat them….. out of fear or “love”….
Why do you settle for him ??? … what makes him so special…….. he is harming you physically and mentally !!!
and sounds like a real wanker….. and possibly an alcoholic !!! …. either of which are BAD news for you …
People can change, sure….. But, change is immediately noticed…..
Donkeys chase a dangling carrot because they know no better….. DONT BE THAT DONKEY !!!
Maybe he loves you , but i doubt it…. actions speak louder than words !!! … would you treat someone you love like he treats you ???
I would say he is probably using you for your body and so that he doesnt sleep / feel ‘alone’………… he claims that the next guy will also “use” you………. but, he is only saying “that” because he wants to make YOU scared to leave him !!! …. to keep YOU in that trap !!!
The fact that he’s making up lies to cover his tracks is saying ALOT about who he is…… A LIAR !!!
Why lie about going for a few drinks with a friend with a dramatic “i was in hospital” story …. ???
That is not something a normal person does….. it sounds like a cover story for something deeper !!!
Why must you be on call 24/7 for him ??? ….. you ARE NOT HIS SLAVE !!!…
He is probably using the “abuse” towards you as a control mechanism……. “make her feel like crap and she will do anything to keep me happy and she wont leave me”……
Dont play this game with this prick !!!
You deserve better and believe me , there are way better and so many of them guys out there……
Sure , you love him but….. is that love worth the pain and depression you are feeling ???… i doubt it cause otherwise you wouldnt have posted on here … not so ???
And it is not love you are getting back either so, why not invest it into someone who WILL value and return that love and appreciation for you ???
You need to make a choice here…. stay with this loser or move on to a better life ???
Sure, it will be difficult to be alone for a change and you will be sad that its over but… you arent exactly happy now so….what have you really got to lose ???
As i said…. it sounds harsh and it is only my oppinion but , i think you needed to hear it.
Its up to you to make that choice…
If you need to, post on here…. it helps alot.
Goodluck !
Gambit25
I really appreciate you taking your time and giving me advice. Harsh but you’re absolutely right. I really do deserve a man not a little kids that plays his little games. Hopefully one day it’ll all be different and he’ll realize his mistakes. But for now its over and I need to get on with my life. You have really helped me in a million ways. I really can’t thank you enough. Knowing that u come from a traumatic background and you seeing this very clear is even more lucid. And you’re totally right I can do better its all about setting your mind to a different state. THANK YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!! :D :D
I love this, someone quoted it on the email list today …
1) I walk down the street
>
> There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
>
> I fall in
>
> I am lost … I am hopeless.
>
> It is not my fault
>
> It takes forever to find a way out
>
>
>
> 2) I walk down the same street
>
> There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
>
> I pretend I don’t see it
>
> I fall in again
>
> I can’t believe I am in the same place.
>
> But it is not my fault
>
> It still takes a long time to get out
>
>
>
> 3) I walk down the same street
>
> There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
>
> I see it there
>
> I still fall in … it is a habit
>
> My eyes are open
>
> I know where I am
>
> It is my fault
>
> I get out immediately
>
>
>
> 4) I walk down the same street
>
> There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
>
> I walk around it
>
That’s lovely!!
The author is Portia Nelson.
Susan I start reading your blog during my previous breakup 2 years ago. Back than it helped me a lot. Now I am again going through another break up but this time I can not find relief. Because this time I caused the things that killed his love for me. I broke up with him (because he said he will not marry me within 3 years) then despite all his obvious efforts I rejected him. After 2 months I realized breaking up for such a reason was a stupid mistake, marriage can wait. I was still in love with him so I asked him whether he still wants to get back or not. Then he said okay but things were much different this time. He was doing things that he did not do before and I was feeling unhappy and nervous all the time. I did not feel loved at all. I told him about my feelings and he said I should keep than to me self and tell less. I though that was because of the damage I gave to our relationship so I tried to put up with all of the things that was making me sad. Time passed but things just got worse. Then one day he told me that this time things will never be the same and he is not feeling the same but still he loves me so we can continue. And I did not want to continue like that. I do not want to be in a relationship that I am sad all the time. Now I am very sorry because all was my mistake. I am the one who damaged the relationship and I caused him not to love me anymore. I can not be angry with him. I am just angry with my self. Feeling like this is not healthy I know but I can not forgive my self. Even my mom told me I deserved this because I broke up with him and made him sad. I loved him a lot and with my very own hands I turned our mutual love into something meaningless. Please suggest me something to do in this kind of situations?