On GPYP we don’t discuss reconcilliation attempts. We just don’t. Everything GPYP teaches comes from my personal and professional life and academic research. Maybe there are therapists somewhere that have a high rate of reconcilliations that work out, but I have not personally experienced that. Couple dynamics can be changed and recharted through couples counseling but it’s an intense (and usually long) process.
I know couples who have successfully gone through counseling who are married and/or have children and lots at stake and two committed people. I’m not talking about couples counseling in this post, I’m talking about a breakup and then attempts at reconcilliation. Rarely have I seen that work out and never with people who haven’t been together or married a long, long time.
The only exception to that rule is what I call the “event defining” break…a drunken episode and then the couple go to AA and/or Al-anon and work their programs and come back together….or the death of a child…where I have seen more than one couple go to their separate corners, unable to share the pain, and eventually come back together later in the grieving process. But besides these two “event defining” breakups, I haven’t seen many reconcilliations that work out or any apart from these situations (except for one couple who, while broken up, found meditation and yoga together and now are all Zen about everything on the planet).
Professionally I haven’t seen it and I haven’t heard about it from many other therapists. I don’t study it and there may be entire bodies of work that I’m missing, but my professional experience and my personal experience is that they don’t work.
And sometimes just trying reconcilliation, if you have certain histories, can be a trauma.
So speaking from personal experience, which may be different than others, reconcilliation, breakup to make up, used to be my thing. In fact, I have had relationships (including with MoAB) that have had more reconcilliations than they actually had time together.
Through my own personal experience, I learned 2 things:
1) after a breakup, the hope of reconcilliation always brought out the codependent in me. I have promised things that I’m actually ashamed of promising (and didn’t go through with) that occasionally gnaw at me to this day. I find this A LOT with couples where one person is definitely “more in favor” of the reconcilliation than the other. They practically sell their soul for another shot.
In my early (teenage relationships) I would practically offer to rob a bank to keep a relationship with a complete bananahead in check. And even when I first started this long process called “recovery” I was still willing to sell my soul for a pittance. But I got better and better with time and more cognizant of my triggers and how they would be triggered through the power of observation and learning to switch gears. I learned that even if my insides were going crazy, I didn’t have to act on all that became unglued when a relationship was heading into the toilet.
Originally a breakup would send me off to the races. Anything to get it back and not have to face my abandonment and grief. But I did get better and was challenged in my last serious relationship (9 years removed from the first post-MoAB serious relationship) and met the challenge.
He wanted me to move where he lived (and I had 3 kids in local schools) and/or get rid of my cat. And I said no and no. But I kept shooting for reconcilliation that didn’t involve these things. Though I loved him there were red flags I was paying attention to and things I refused to be manipulated by. He would withdraw and punish whenever a “moving in” conversation did not go as he wanted. And my abandonment would trigger but I would not budge on my positions.
He kept saying that he wanted things to work but had a different “vision” of things (that included moving in with me and not my cat). Part of me was just sick that I was feeling blackmailed and another part of me was duly horrified that anyone would ask me to do either of those things. (Go second part of me!).
I had done desperate things in my attempts to reconcile with the MoAB. Agreed to anything, said anything, promised everything. Danced like a puppet on a string. Anything to do EXTERNALLY so that I didn’t have to face the mess that was INTERNAL.
But in the final reconcilliation attempt (with the MoAB), about 6 months after our last separation, he said that in putting together a plan that would suit both of us in living together, I could “go out” one night a week.
I had been going to therapy, 12-step groups, other support groups and thought, “WHAT?” Here we were again. He was going to make demands and I was going to dance. Only this time I didn’t dance. By this time I was done. It seemed like a small hitch compared to so many things I had promised in the past and the way I had jumped through hoops, but that is where I was. Done with you. Buh bye..
I thought I was getting well (well I was but I didn’t know about relapses in codependency at the time or what triggered my craziness).
But the first time post-MoAB that a relationship was breaking up, I was turned inside out again. And I did the codependent “anything for you” thing. In the first few breakups/attempts at reconcilliation, if anyone balked about the kids, the dog, the cat, the color of my eyes, the length of my hair, I was ready to promise to change it or get rid of it or whatever it would take.
“Beyond Codependency” was published just before this time and I learned about codependent relapse. I had learned so many “non-codependent” responses with the MoAB and my crazy family, I didn’t realize that I wasn’t cured (this was about 2 years into it). I didn’t realize that perceived or real abandonment could trigger me right back into the howling vortex that is active codependency.
I lived, ate, breathed “Beyond Codependency” not for a few months but for a few years. I learned I could be triggered but didn’t have to act on it.
Each breakup brought out the abandonment in me and abandonment brought out the desperation to not be abandoned. I would have given ANYTHING to not be abandoned.
But I got better. I started to see the pattern AS I was dealing with my stuff. The stuff I had been trying to avoid with all those promises. I had BEGGED people (including the MoAB) to not leave or come back or whatever. How could looking at my “stuff” be any worse than that. Humiliation is worse than emotional pain. And I was done with humiliation.
So I continued to work on myself and my issues, I became less and less desperate and more apt to say, “Excuse me but would you jump off a roof please?”
My hope for reconcilliation had nothing to do with whether or not this bananahead was good for me, whether or not a relationship would work or whether or not we were meant to be and could magically transform into a couple who got along or belonged together. It had to do with my defects, my issues, my emotional upheaval that I just wanted STOPPED with the distraction of potential reconcilliation.
In the couples I’ve worked with (or the people I’ve worked with), I find that fear of being alone, each person’s inability (or unwillingness) to work on their issues or just pure desperation is driving the hope for reconcilliation. When I was a therapist I counseled one couple that I had to ask, “Do you two even like each other?” (They didn’t).
It’s not to say that reconcilliations never work out but in my personal and professional experience, they tend to be rare. Unless it’s some big thing like one person getting sober (which completely changes the dynamic of a relationship) or both people are committed to their own personal journey and no irreparable harm has been done, I don’t see it working.
Rarely have I seen “real” reconcilliations. By real I mean that both people change and are committed to change and each other. Instead, I see people either promise the moon or lower their standards or just give up that they can escape or go into denial about how crappy the relationship really is. I know my “reconcilliations” were horror shows just keeping the patient on life support when the plug needed to be pulled.
I’ve seen women go back again and again because the man was relentless in his pursuit and she finally just gave up. (not that I haven’t seen this with men going back and women being relentless, but I see it more with women going back).
It’s not to say they don’t happen, they do. But just like “being friends with the ex” it’s rare and it takes a lot of work that most people won’t do.
2) My exes were exes for a reason. It doesn’t really matter what it was. It was a reason and most of the reasons, no matter how much I thought or wished otherwise, were still going to be present in one way, shape or form.
It’s really rare that two people agree on what the issues are with the other and with themselves. In couples therapy they say that the relationship is the patient, but so often learning communication or boundaries excludes the gnawing issues that each person has to work on within themselves or the simple truth that you are just not compatible.
Even if the beginning was “wonderful” and he/she was “wonderful.” Well of course it was wonderful, otherwise it wouldn’t have become a long-term relationship but when you can’t sustain a healthy relationship, all the wonderfulness in the world isn’t going to be able to hide that truth from you. Only you can hide it from yourself. And I know couples who have used each other and their crappy relationship to avoid looking at their own stuff…and they never breakup. How wonderful for them.
While some couples do have just communication issues and a little bit of counseling on the interactions will help, it’s usually not that simple or not as clearly defined as a few simple issues.
Often the time in couples therapy learning “I” language is a waste of time for THAT relationship (but good to learn going forward). It’s usually more than “Tell me what I just said…” to keep a relationship alive.
Relationships simply shouldn’t be that hard and healthy ones aren’t. If you are compatible and each has worked on their individual issues and if you don’t sweat the small stuff and want to be happy more than you want to engage in drama.
As George Costanza said, the only hope is no hope.
Hoping for reconcilliation or doing the reconcilliation dance can really stall your own personal progress.
Think about your attempts at reconcilliation in the past. What does it say about you, your ex(es), your patterns? Does it matter? Are you trying to recapture the glory of the young and marvelous relationship or do you both have severe compatibility issues?
What has your previous attempts at reconcilliation said about you?
now this should prove to be a most interesting thread…can’t wait to read the replies/thoughts as it strikes most deeply to those ‘forever….happily ever after….hope’ buttons inside of us all.
This post couldn’t have come at a better time – Bananahead won’t stop contacting me with reconcilliation requests. I continue to ignore them. NC. NC.
Previous relationships have been marred with break-up / make-up / break-up endings. My mother always jokes that she knows when I’m coming out of a relationship as it takes me several attempts lol!
I recently broke NC to call the ex and forgive him for all the nastiness he bestowed onto me. It removed a huge weight of resentment I had stored up. I’ve done the work, I continue to do the work, I’ve stayed NC since. I never, ever want any more drama in any interpersonal relationship ever again. No thanks.
Yet for the past few weeks, he’s been contacting me again, asking – nearly begging – to talk, to reconcile, quoting the lyrics to my favourite songs to me – clever but manipulative, saying he knows he’s messed up, been to therapy, that love can conquer all. I’m tired of it all.
I am happier without the drama. He apologized for messing up and treating me badly. I forgive him. But I WON’T go back to the drama. Not me. No thanks.
Strength and love to all those experiencing the same right now.
Perhaps the stars have aligned for crazy-making this week.
Ex-bananahead’s work colleague (and good friend of mine) emailed me and told me he had feelings for me. I worked with this guy for several years and would consider him like a brother.
This man has a girlfriend. I’m dissappointed in his unhealthy decision to tell me. Drama that I don’t want anything to do with.
So many times in my life male friends have crossed the platonic line and told me of their feelings for me. And I hate it so much as each time, it means I have to back away somewhat from them.
Susan, or anyone else, do you have any advice on what to do when a ‘friend’ crosses the line like that? I’m starting to miss too many friends because of it all. And it sucks.
Maybe its time for new friends. Seriously. I think a lot of people, both male and female, will develop crushes on an opposite sex friend and healthy people will work through it without pursuing it or mentioning it. And then it can be/will usually be gone. Other times they get into relationships because it’s mutual and strong. And some of those (at least the ones I’ve been in) are disasters.
You might want to confront this person and say “Why are you telling me this? Why are you jeopardizing both your relationship and our friendship? Isn’t it clear to you that I don’t have feelings for you?” (you want to pay careful attention to the answer to the last question).
I say that because you might also want to think if you’re giving out some vibe that lets these guys know its okay to just spew whatever at you. Because for it to “keep happening” also says that you are either picking the wrong friends or perhaps giving out mixed signals.
“So many times in my life male friends have crossed the platonic line and told me of their feelings for me. And I hate it so much as each time, it means I have to back away somewhat from them.”
I’ve had the same experience, and I think it’s because guys often befriend girls that they find attractive. For a long time I denied this fact because it seems ridiculous and women just aren’t wired this way, but most guys I speak to insist it’s the case. Of course, if a guy told me he liked me when he was in a relationship, I’d tell him to take a leap. That’s not cool at all.
There’s always a gamble with male-female friendships because of the sexual tension risk, but when you find one that’s actually platonic on both ends, it’s like the greatest thing ever.
such a key phrase for many of us here:
”… a breakup would send me off to the races. Anything to get it back and not have to face my abandonment and grief.”
and add to that list as mentioned, ‘fear of being alone’.
All of my attempts were flawed in the fact that I was just afraid of being alone…didn’t want to face the reality of that fact at the time. I’ve learned my biggest fear is being rejected; being told I’m not good enough. It’s a reflection of how I feel about myself…not good enough! Now I am left to work on that fear and realize how I affected the relationship and how over time I allowed this fear to control me and my actions. I still hope we can work this out, but I know the part of me that wants that is a little boy scared of the unknown, and the man inside of me knows she wasn’t right for me and to be honest I wasn’t right for her! I took her back too many times just to watch her walk away AGAIN. It’s time I walk away and wok on me!
On the one hand, I have three different friends who were in relationships that broke up, then reunited later and turned into happy marriages. But in all three cases, the reasons for the breakup had nothing to do with the quality of the relationship itself (he was leaving town for grad school and she didn’t want to leave her great job, he was working overseas and she wasn’t willing to have a long-distance relationship, they were both barely 21 and had never dated anyone else). And in all three cases, my friends decided definitively that the relationship was over, done, kaput, moving on now. They had no expectation of ever seeing their exes again. When their exes came back into their lives, it was years later, both of them were very different people, and they basically started from scratch.
And I don’t think most people can do that. Whenever I’ve had a relationship end, hanging on to crumbs or trying to be friends or whatever just kept alive my hopes for reconciliation, and eventually I got blindsided by the realization that the other person had moved on even though I hadn’t.
So I agree that the only hope is no hope. That way if the other person’s path does intersect with yours again somewhere down the line, you’re not burdened with the expectation that you’ll pick up where you left off. You can evaluate the situation on its own merits. Or you can say, “I don’t care how much either of us has changed, that ship has sailed.”
“…I find this A LOT with couples where one person is definitely “more in favor” of the reconcilliation than the other. They practically sell their soul for another shot.::”
I will start to use the expression selling ones soul for another shot as I have behaved with the desperation and craziness of an addict when dumped. And humiliated myself. If I had known about NC and keeping my side of the street clean I would have suffered but not half as much and I would have kept my pride
I also agree that before we let go if the hope of reconcilliation we can not start to move on. Its tough to admit this hope and for me I didnt really let go untíl I got the news my ex met somone else.
That was beyond excellent!! I gobbled it up so fast, I’m going back to read it again. I’ve grown so much in the past year, but this has helped me take another step forward.
Thank you Susan
The reconciliation is something I’ve always “aimed” for in relationships. Usually the same pattern. They’ll leave me, I’ll beg them to talk etc etc. They’ll eventually come back (with much begging from me) and sometimes they’ll pretend they never really left me and was I mad?
Later on in the relationship, I eventually get sick of pouring out my soul/trying to fix things, and we’ll split up when I won’t contact them.
With me, it’s definitely abandonment, and I want to make “everything okay”.
and I forgot to mention how gruesome this whole process is. Full of drama, but my self-respect is decimated, then I just go into denial when we get back together and feel all loved-up… until the next time.
“Relationships simply shouldn’t be that hard … and want to be happy more than you want to engage in drama.”
These are my thoughts at the moment.
3 yrs after what was a nasty and amicable divorce…I know , but it had both aspects…I have become an active drama avoider.
Sure it means I have a lot less people in my world, but the calm is worth it. And I have read and journaled, studied my interactions with the world and owned my contributions to dysfunction.
I dont thing there is an end to the work, not for me anyway. I find great stability in knowing what I do know now. And want to keep learning.
My next growth curve is ” walking the talk”.
My ex has split with the woman the left for. Didnt see that coming at all.
We fit into the addiction category, and split over his desire not to get help, and he found someone that had the same problems and enabled. blah blah…etc..
I agree, having no hope is the beginning of truly working on you and you alone. I had (eventually) wished him well, taken charge of my family and life and done a lot of personal work.
I dont want to go back to the relationship we had. Or the roles we played. I have redefined my relationship with my 2 teenage kids and how our household runs. We have worked on family communications and applied so much of what Susan says to our little family. And have gone a long way to stopping another generation of co dependant addictive behaviours.
The most effective thing we do is actually listen to each other and remember and respect our own and each others boundaries . And support each other actively. The three of us know love is an action. My kids are 16 and 14. And we are doing well.
And then you wrote “Unless it’s some big thing like one person getting sober ”
Well that is what he has done…
Cleaned up, left the partner, cut contact with her and is focusing attention back on his kids and our welfare.
Now I am not saying wow lets get back together. No.
I have a great observational skill now (thanks Susan). And patience to sit still and watch.
We are divorced, I thought we had moved on to the next phase of our lives. No hope. The drama is over. I have dated and have chosen not to anymore, because I actually love the dynamic between the 2 kids and I , and dont want to mess that up. And frankly , couldnt stand the drama the dates seemed to want to stir up. Although they would say they were ‘just being… protective… or concerned…. or…..” And maybe they were…but the focus seems to be all about them , though….hmmmm, next. I want it to be about my kids.
I want someone who can just be with us, with no drama.
So…. the ex is hanging out here a few afternoons, clean and sober, doing little things for the kids, not pushing for anything. Trying to rebuild his shattered relationship with his kids.
And it reminds me of how we used to just hang out, no drama.
I know I was a part of the dysfuction between us, and I have grown and changed. And dont want that back.
I dont have fantasies of the old family back together, he doesnt upset me, I am yet to see a triggered behaviour in me. I am sure it will happen in time…
How do I navigate this beginning of the next phase where the ex has cleaned up his act and has/is changing as well?
Humiliation. I remember being cheated on repeatedly, in a very disgusting manner, me ending the relationship and after a month of begging, crying, I will do anything to fix this, showing up to my work, begging on knees, I decided to return to the relationship only to be broken up with after about a month later (maybe some power game from that person).
After that break up I remember I called once, crying and asking for a hug, and sending an email that I’m simply humiliated by, and was never returned. That was just too much for me. I then had to go live overseas (which was just perfect for me) and I kept receiving facebook friend requests, and indirect emails from that ex several months after that (pleeease), I completely ignored them.
My last relationship was short but very complicated and eventful (that was about seven months ago), I remember TRYING to end it on several occasions, I remember being extremely unsure about it and still wanting to make it work, ending it and then coming back and forth, and this person flirted with other people in front of me and then said there was too much alcohol to remember doing it (ughh…) and was extremely aggressive and offensive to a lot of his friends, including me.
I just had to end it, and even some of my friends kept asking me to take this person back which made me fight with them (I mean, what kind of friends do that!).
Just writing that last part makes me feel like there’s so much more I need to work on. And it also makes me feel like it’s perfectly okay and it made me see that I’m going to where I want to be.
Loved this post.
My ex-bananahead and I broke up and made up so many times. And everytime I would have sold my soul to get back together with him, I never thought of it that way, but I know I would have. I remember many nights on my hands and knees praying and just begging God to bring him back, that I would give up anything and everything to have him. It’s sad to think about that now, and how much of my self-esteem that I lost in the process. But I didn’t know what I didn’t know, so I’m not going to beat myself up over it. The only thing I know for sure is that I hit a very low point in my addiction to love, and now I’m on my way up! Thank you so much Susan, you don’t know how much this post means to me. I have so many friends and family members that tell me I don’t understand why you kept going back, and it made me feel like I was the only person that did this.
I went through a phase in my distant past where I would beg for reconciliations whenever I got dumped. That phase passed quickly though when I realized how humiliating it was. This led to the next phase, which occupied the balance of my adult life where I would get dumped and walk away and act as though it didn’t bother me at all… I wouldn’t even discuss it with friends at length. I ACTED like it was perfectly okay and I was perfectly okay. No contact wasn’t a problem because after all, I didn’t care. But the problem with that is that I did care and I was merely suppressing my feelings and never addressing the underlying causes of the breakup with myself. Anyhow, during this phase when an ex would contact me and want to get back together I would always say yes… or more like YES! because deep down I was never over them and I took their breaking of NC to mean that it was fate, destiny, true love, and most of all, a chance to make things right (even when I did nothing horribly wrong.) I know that sounds crazy but I really, honestly, believed that. And so I would get burnt over and over by the same men… always taking them back… always believing.
Then something wonderful happened… I found this website after my last break up and thanks to Susan, with the help of the inventories and the support of this website I broke through the patterns and started to grow as a person.
NC is important but so is doing the work. The silver lining to any breakup is the fabulous opportunity for personal growth that it provides. I missed that part when I didn’t do the work and so I never grew, never moved on.
Now when I break up with someone, or when they break up with me I know it is over and that attempts at reconciliation are mostly made in desperation. Happily I am not there anymore… (even though my life is beige!! LOL)
Yay Genevieve! I know what you mean about viewing things as “fate” when they’re really just blanket excuses to dive into more dysfunction — boy, have I been there. I think many people hope for a reconciliation because they have low self esteem, and feel if their exes don’t realize what they lost and don’t see their value, it must mean they don’t have any. It’s so dangerous to put that much power into another person’s hands, but the good news is that it can be reversed.
I believe that is why most people break NC or leave the door open for another try — because they want to know the ex realizes their mistake and will give them the validation and worthiness they seek. Even if they want the chance to say “ha, never!”, they still crave that ego stroke, and that comes from a place of insecurity.
I’ve found, for myself, that the same phenomenon applied to any relationship I had, not just romantic — family, friends, etc. If I had a falling out with a friend and they never contacted me again, what was wrong with me? Was I that unlovable, that forgettable? Likewise with family.
Now I have a lot more self respect and better self care, so I don’t earn my confidence from other people. But it took a REALLY long time and a lot of work to get to that point. Totally worth it though.
Wow Movingon11,
You hit the nail on the head for exactly what I was feeling and why I agreed to “try to be friends” with my ex after he broke up with me. Given the fact that he left me out of nowhere for another girl, my self-esteem took a huge hit which made matters even worse. It made no sense to anyone why I wanted him back but I felt exactly as you described here. Also I was afraid I would never meet anyone else I felt THAT way about again. I was an utter and complete mess after that breakup.
I also went through the same thing before during a previous relationship I had for 8 years off and on and after THAT breakup. This 8 year guy cheated on me a few times then would always come back to me and feeling so broken, I would always take him back and it would be the same mess repeatedly until the final breakup of that situation.
My question is…how did you get past feeling this way? What kind of work did you do? Was it therapy? A particular book? Particular articles from GPYP? I’m tired of going through this. Thanks.
Lisa Anne
Hi Lisa Anne,
I remember you from way back as I was going through almost the exact same scenario as you were (but a few months behind you). I hope I have the right person…my apologies if not.
You had the long-distance thing and the guy basically went from wanting to spend his life with you to wham, meeting someone else and cutting you loose out of the blue (sorry, I don’t mean to sound so harsh about it, but that is what happened with me too).
And like you, I seemed to have had a much, much harder time getting over it than any of my other past relationships which had been a lot longer, more serious, and had not been long-distance. I also had trouble understanding why I was having such a hard time getting over it and went into this huge depression. The guy in this case was probably the worst person I have ever fallen for (dysfunctional, self-absorbed, dishonest, jerk, and a complete moron) so that made me look to MYSELF as to WHY the hell I was pining after him so much.
Thanks to this site, Susan and people like Moving On (whose comments and experience have been most helpful for me) I am finally coming to understand things about myself…it’s still hard though, but not as much anymore.
I am in a much better place and am always moving forward with my healing. I have learned to change my attitude to being positive – affirmations, realistic expectations, owning my feelings and trying to not react to everything little thing. Hard work, but good.
I found that by reading books like Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood, and anything/everything by Melanie Beattie (Codpendent books) that I was able to tap into my codependency, my relationship addiction, my insecurity, low self-esteem, where it all stems from and what I can do about it. I also learned about NC and sticking to it, which is something that I never did in previous breakups.
I recycle, but that’s usually due to things like being stressed, lonely, or having a moment when I let my self-esteem take a hit.
I fantasize sometimes about breaking NC but it’ll never end up being what I want it to be and again, it doesn’t matter. As time goes on, I know that I’ll look back on this experience as a defining moment in my life. Ironically the absolute worst person for me will have turned out to have helped me the most. That in itself makes me kinda smile because I tried soooo hard to help and support him when he needed it (I was being codependent), and then he ditched me when I was no longer required, but in the end I am the one that will find a healthy relationship, and he never will. Karma happens. We get back what we put out.
Anyway, I always wondered about you because as I said, your situation was eerily similar to mine right up to how you were trying to get over it. I hope you are doing better. We are way too good to be treated like that by these types of men. WAY TOO GOOD.
Hi amstrongenough09,
Thanks for your reply. Yes, you remember me correctly : ) That was my situation. I still read here at the site regularly and post once in a while about things I can really relate to.
I agree with you. Like you, the breakup of my long distance relationship was the hardest one to get over. I went through a huge depression after as well. It was even harder than getting over the end of local relationships and even an 8 year relationship with my first love. The breakup of the long distance relationship absolutely devastated me and I didn’t understand why. To this day it still bothers me sometimes and I do still think about him.
A couple of months ago, I was feeling particularly down and vulnerable about some things in my life and I did something I shouldn’t have. I looked the long distance ex up online on a professional networking site that I also have a profile on.
In looking at his profile, I found out that he’s still with the girl that he dumped me for and was sort of bragging about how happy he is with her, how amazing she is, ect. I thought that was kind of an odd thing to list on your professional profile. I had looked at his profile there once before and it only had professional things listed. I wondered if he saw that I had looked at his profile on the “who’s viewed me” link and decided to list all these personal things for my benefit, but I don’t know that for sure. I found it a bit odd though. I hadn’t even spoken to him for a couple of years so I don’t know why he’d feel the need to do something like that.
But finding out that he never had any regrets about what he did to me and that dumping me apparently was a great turn of events for him was like a knife to the heart and I experienced a lot of painful thoughts and feelings all over again. I learned my lesson and haven’t looked him up online since.
So I unfortunately can’t share in your feelings of knowing I will find a healthy relationship whereas the ex won’t. Apparently he has. I have dated a few guys kind of unenthusiastically since the breakup but haven’t found the ONE yet. It’s hard for me because I feel like he won and I lost in a way…
I think another reason this has been so hard for me is that I haven’t been very happy in my career and personal life. I’ve changed jobs and moved to a new town but still haven’t really found happiness. I think I’m still suffering from depression from time to time. I have discussed it with my doctor.
Thanks for your book suggestions. I’m glad you are doing better. I hope that you find happiness with a great guy. You deserve it.
Lisa Anne
Lisa Anne,
“I think another reason this has been so hard for me is that I haven’t been very happy in my career and personal life. I’ve changed jobs and moved to a new town but still haven’t really found happiness.”
I think you pinpointed exactly why you feel “stuck” over the ex. You don’t currently have the life that you want, so your thoughts are lingering back to the past when perhaps you felt more grounded. But I think it helps to realize that your time with him was, in some regards, an illusion. It certainly wasn’t close to real love or what you will one day experience with someone far better.
You need to tell yourself, over and over again until you believe it, that you are WAY better off without him and that all you need to be happy is YOU. I don’t think you really feel either of these things, and that’s contributing to the problem. But they are totally true.
Whatever he posts online is irrelevant — it’s not necessarily true. I would argue that if he were walking-on-air happy with this person, he wouldn’t feel a need to broadcast it on a career-based website. Happy, stable people tend to be less showy in this regard — they feel it, they know it’s real, and that’s enough for them. So I wouldn’t put too much stock in that.
But if he IS actually happy with this new girl, so what? He’s clearly not the guy for you, and she in no way got some great prize that you missed out on. That, too, you should convince yourself over and over again.
It is my belief that your lingering feelings about this have nothing to do with the ex, but instead have to do with ongoing self-esteem problems and probably unresolved stuff from the past, mixed with current dissatisfaction in life. When we feel most vulnerable/lost is when we tend to grab at straws in the past.
Take care of you, recognize you are worth it, and work on leaving the bananahead behind once and for all.
Movingon11,
Thank you for this great reply. I appreciated everything you said here. You are right about how I have felt too. You have a knack for reading people and giving great advice : ) Hugs.
Lisa Anne
Moving On –you hit the nail on the head for me too esp with “Even if they want the chance to say “ha, never!”, they still crave that ego stroke, and that comes from a place of insecurity”. I think I am still at that place.
I am past reconciliation but I’ll admit I wanted it for a long time (esp in denial). Because of the work, I don’t want it anymore. But I’m still not 100% past that desire to want to reject him and humiliate him back (even though I know I’ll never get that chance but it DOESN’T MATTER). My validation must come from within…
I don’t always feel this way, it’s lessening, but at times it’s still there and that’s only because my mind keeps it there – working on changing those thought patterns.
Hope you are doing better today!
AmStrong,
It sounds to me like you are doing great. Seriously. You seem to recognize the unhealthy thoughts/desires you have and try to coerce them out of your mind, which I think is why they are lessening. Plus I believe you said in another thread you are 9 months NC, which means you aren’t acting on anything that could cause you further damage. Go you!
One thing that has helped me is to accept some of the things I cannot change. For example, there was a time that I was actively pissed that so many things reminded me of my ex (and they still do). I’d get a frustrated sense of “this again?!” and it would bum me out for a time. Now I just accept it as background noise. “Oh, this is a song he sung badly to on one of our road trips together — that’s nice,” and then onto something else.
I cannot control that things continue to remind me of him. But by giving them no real power over me, they become meaningless thoughts that vanish shortly after arrival.
Also, even 2 years after the split, I occasionally get a random urge to do something dumb like Google his name and see what pops up. I certainly won’t be doing this, as anytime I looked him up it messed with my head big time, but that urge still appears from time to time.
I know it’s nothing more than the old, dramatic part of me trying to crash my healthy new life and stir up trouble. So I dismiss it in a similar fashion. “Oh, you again, that’s nice,” and away it goes.
I don’t REALLY want to look him up, the same way I believe you don’t REALLY want your ex to reappear so you can humiliate him. I think it’s just old habits dying hard.
It has helped me so much to realize that every thought and urge I have does not necessarily mean anything at all. Bad thoughts can be toned down over time with a lot of practice and discipline, but that’s not to say they will never again appear for even a second. We’re complex beings and our minds have so many things to sort through from one millisecond to the next. They’re only as important as we allow them to be.
So I hope this same kind of acceptance can help you too.
It actually made me feel good to read this post, MovingOn! Especially the part about accepting “this again?!” :)
The break-up was over 1.5 years ago and I have now found a far better relationship. But sometimes some things just remind me of ex and I get spooked up. Stupid things actually.. My ex had broken the ligaments in hist right wrist toward the end of our relationship. When my current BF told me his right wrist is weak due to some ligament problem, I got spooked. Same with back pain. Same with the way they receive career setbacks. I sometimes wonder if I am relviing the same relationship… Not a good thought. But those are the things, not in my control and as of yet I don’t think they are the ones that pull/pulled me into relationship. That is, I don’t think they are any triggers, just random reminders.
It is a little painful to admit that I still want to look my ex up sometimes. And like lisaanne above, it is mainly because I still haven’t found a stable career or at least a career where I know where I am going. While I was with him, there was a stability that came with being in gradschool. And once I actually searched for him on Orkut (the Facebook equivalent in India). I was fully expecting his relationship status changed for which I was prepared. What I wasn’t prepared for was a link that took me to our university’s website which listed his academic achievements. It hurt so bad… I wasted my valuable time on this needy person, pulling all stops and a half to make him feel better when his work wasn’t going well (which was always) and now he is more accomplished than I am.. And I KNOW that I am actually better than him in few respects (he trumps me by miles in tenacity though, but I am catching up). I was so hurt, angry. This after being in another relationship.
But I learned. Again. Not to go looking for pain. And the spooked up part of me is feeling more calm by being ready to accept intermittant this-again-s!
I feel really bad about the way that I behaved with my ex in terms of reconciliations. Basically, at the time when he broke up with me, he had met someone else, although I didn’t realise it. He then changed his mind about the breakup (within a week) and asked me if we could get back together and I said no – and stuck to a firm no for a good six weeks while he begged and pleaded. A couple of months later I found out that he was now seeing someone (who he had met just before breaking up with me) – and suddenly I couldn’t bear being apart from him. At the time, I was just reacting to all these huge feelings, but looking back now, essentially what I did was go in and cause drama in his new relationship to break them up because I couldn’t handle him being with someone new. And it worked. I wasn’t prepared to get back together with him properly, but we ended up seeing each other a lot and sleeping together for a good few months and then it sort of trailed off (particularly because at this point he’d moved away and it became long distance).
The second reconciliation attempt a few months later, I was in his new town for work and we met up, hit it off massively and ended up spending the weekend together and deciding to give it another go. Then I discovered that he had become semi-involved with someone at work (as in, they were sleeping together but hadn’t told anyone and it wasn’t “official”) during the time that I hadn’t seen him without telling me. He did all the crying and swearing he would never see her again etc, but I could tell she was still kind of in the picture. Then there were several months of him going back and forth unable to decide if he wanted me or this girl, until I bowed out and said, look, have a nice life, I don’t want to be in contact with you any more. I believe they are now “officially” together.
We were both being really dysfunctional, but I didn’t like the way that him trying to move on to someone else caused me to lose control and start making chaos. NC and journalling and therapy has been helping me deal with the fact that he’s now in a new relationship and that I need to stay far away from it.
The thing is, my crazy ex really did (when the pendulum swung that way) want to reconcile properly and was all romantic and going on about how I was his soulmate and we probably needed time apart because we’d got together so young and it would make us stronger and now we should get married etc etc. One needs to take that stuff with a big grain of salt. If you’ve broken up, something is wrong and reconciling is not going to magically fix it.
I do know a couple who broke up and got back together and are now married with a baby, and on the surface it looks ok, but I have picked up some big red flags watching them. My dysfunctional relationship looked ok for most of the time I was in it, and people would even talk about how we were such a lovely couple and they wished we could find what we had etc, and guess what – I’m SO much happier out of that situation.
“The thing is, my crazy ex really did (when the pendulum swung that way) want to reconcile properly and was all romantic and going on about how I was his soulmate and we probably needed time apart because we’d got together so young and it would make us stronger and now we should get married etc etc. One needs to take that stuff with a big grain of salt. If you’ve broken up, something is wrong and reconciling is not going to magically fix it.”
I feel the same way. My ex swore we we great together..and he broke up..and now, 4 months later, we don’t speak and he’s with someone new. Do you just disregard what he told you completely? Are our guys just full of shit?
If his talk doesn’t match his walk, then all you can do is discount it all. It will never make any real sense, and trying to find answers for too long will only make your head spin around in circles. Who wants someone who is that confusing in his interpersonal relationships? Bleh.
I believe that he meant what he said when he said it, but I’ve also got to the point where I’ve realised that he has so little emotional maturity and is so caught up in his own issues that his feelings are not clear or consistent and he’s not capable of loving me or anyone else in a healthy way. The only way to take care of myself responsibly is to stay far away from him.
I think that people can be confused, and that is why they say the “we should get married” stuff. Obviously, at some point they loved you. And maybe they still do. So it is natural for them to say loving things. But if they are not living up to what they are saying (sleeping with someone else, not being able to decide that they want to be with you) then you have to let them go.
Someone can say something – and it not be full of shit -but that does not necessarily mean that they are capable of treating you the way you want to be treated.
I think all you really need to know is that for whatever reason, you are not together, which means you have to move on.
OMG I was so moved by your last blog I cried. I have just finished my first book, and have yet to publish it. But so many things you talk about are well, something I can identify with. I am in love with a man, the man I will call “The ONe” and he has left me hanging for the last year, dumping and picking me up whenever he felt like it. Being sorry for hurting me in ways people would definitely not understand. I can’t let go. Honestly, I have tried. I want to be with him and make it work. We had a three year relationship, which i know was unhealthy for the most part, but I have learned so many things from it that I now feel it could work. I honesly do. You see it was me, I feel I was the cause of the breakup the first time around and I have yet to heal that. I was wondering if you had any other insight or help for me. I hope to release my book in November so you can read my story. It’s heart renching.
I’m sorry but I’m not buying it. You can if you want to. “The one” would not treat you like this. You can let go if you decide to.
You might want to make it work but if he can mistreat you as he does, it’s never going to work. You’re being a mascochist/victim/martyr.
It doesn’t matter if you were the cause of the first breakup, his behavior in the last year and you being at his beck and call is what matters.
The only thing you can learn from an unhealthy relationship is that you are unhealthy and need to get well.
Do not ignore his behavior and blame it on yourself. He is acting atrociously and you are allowing it.
It’s unhealthy and it’s not okay. And I don’t find stories of people who stay in these situations “heart wrenching” I find them predictable and unnecessary.
The tools are all outlined in the book and on here. You can get better if you want to or stay stuck in the merry-go-round of denial and pain. The choice is yours.
From what you’ve written, it cannot work, you cannot make it work by yourself and until you start rejecting unacceptable treatment you will never be healthy.
And if you’re not healthy, it’s not going to work.
You can do the work and get healthy and move on. But if it is your choice to remain with someone who throws you crumbs now and again and stay locked in a fantasy where the only thing working out is what you’ve made up in your mind, then there will be no progress.
I know that not everyone gets it. I know that people choose these dysfunctional relationships and crappy treatment because it’s what they know and they aren’t done being a martyr and don’t want to do the work to get well. I have seen it enough to know that not everyone gets it. But to me it’s a choice. I stayed too long many times and for a long time I didn’t know that I didn’t know. But once I knew, I was choosing the misery over getting well. And that’s a bad choice.
But when you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired, you might do something about it. Might.
You need to go NC, stay NC and do the work. It’s hard but you can do it. There is no “I’ve tried” in “DO IT.”
The ex that brought me to this website and I were together for an amazing almost 2 years, had discovered one issue on which we saw things differently that might be a deal breaker and had started to deal with it, when he felt he couldn’t, and ended things. It didn’t make sense to me and about 10 days later, at my request, we talked, and got back together. I didn’t have to beg or anything, didn’t have to make crazy promises, just explained that it could work and how. A year later – 5 months ago – he ended things for good. We had some amazing times the 2nd go round, but there was also a lot of crying and depression. And at a certain point, I was just too insecure. Never knowing if we’d still be together in a month’s time, no longer nonchalant about the millions of girls he talks to. But we were still so good together and made each other happy – the only thing that made sense to me was to make it work. After the second breakup, he wouldn’t even talk to me. He had clearly made up his mind. He no longer wanted to be with me, no longer was sure he wanted to spend his life with me. It hurt, and still hurts.
I’ve been trying to do the work, trying to look at the last 6 months and not the first 2 years, trying to reject the rejecter. Obviously, I want someone who accepts me and my needs, and who won’t stop making me feel like his everything when things get tough. But I still hope for reconciliation. I don’t want to, but I do. Deep down, I know I do. And it’s probably what’s preventing me from moving forward. I wouldn’t just drop everything and give in to his demands, though – that is probably the only progress I’ve made. In the first few weeks after the breakup, I would have compromised on everything I was able to in order to be with him. I wouldn’t any more – I would insist that what I want is what I want. But I still dream that he’ll realize he was an idiot and come back, having accepted the things we disagree on as okay. I want to live a happy, drama-free life, but I also still believe he is the one. Nothing else makes sense to me.
If you want someone who will not value you and will torture you, then yeah, he’s the one. But if you want to live a happy, drama-free life, not so much.
This reply is priceless and pretty much says it all!!
I had the following comment from someone who broke up with me: “Logistics are keeping us apart. I’d be with you if it weren’t for my job, my kids, etc. But I want you to know that you’re my soulmate. And even while I’m not with you (and am back with my wife), you’ll always be my soulmate. We can stay close friends.”
Uh-huh. I said to that: “I can’t be a “secret soulmate” nor do I consider myself a soulmate with someone who isn’t with me, can’t work it out to be with me.”
I went NC after that. It helped.
This was a guy I thought I had it all with… and it hit me that the emotional support I got from him was an illusion. He was the one who said I could trust him with my heart and he’d take good care of it. At the point it needed the most care, he abandoned it. Not the one.
He love me still, doesnt want to be with me though. I pushed him too much into doing it too quickly. My fault. My blame. My problem. I cant let him walk away. Howto I get him back???
Nicole – as hard as it is you NEED to let him go. Obviously this man has hurt you and is rejecting what you are offering to him (which also hurts) – why do you want him back? That is the question you need to ask yourself. The answer may surprise you when you discover that what you are feeling right now more than likely has very little to do with him.
My suggestion is to 1) Sit on your hands – do not contact him via phone, email, etc. – Do not read his facebook page or any other online social networking pages he may have 2) read this blog and Susan’s book (she’s a genius) 3) Do the relationship inventory and the life inventory; 4) address your feelings via journalling and with trusted friends; 5) trust in the process and be strong.
There is a lot of support here. eventually you will feel better and the curtain of pain will lift and you will emerge from this stronger and wiser.
I agree with Genevieve. This doesn’t sound like it’s about your ex so much as your own stuff.
Also: “He love me still, doesnt want to be with me though.” Check out Susan’s post on “discount it all” because that sums this up perfectly.
Good luck.
I love “discount it all” because it’s so clear and makes sense out of total confusion. I’ve often thought “but he ’s so SWEET sometimes, and what a nice smile! How helpful the guy is with strangers sometimes!” and various other random crap like that – about someone who was treating me like dirt. Now I know better – if it does your head in trying to sort out the mean stuff from the nice stuff, if there is ANY pain involved, if you cry or feeling frustrated about the relationship, or embarrassed, any shame or humiliation, if you are in a mindspin the whole time because the stories don’t make sense – let it all go. Discount it all.
I wish I had heard that phrase a few years ago! It just is such a relief as a technique. If any part of it is mad, strange, hurtful, confusing or painful – don’t believe any of it. Let it go and let better stuff happen. Brilliant advice for people tired of making excuses for totally inexcusable behaviour.
TangoLola
Wow, what a post!
I posted something on Breaking NC: Danger! last night, but I wish I had read this post first, because I probably would have posted here instead.
Anyway, promising the person that I would do this and/or not do that, jump through hoops, get her the moon and the stars, etc., in order to initiate a reconciliation is my MO all the way.
When I read: “fear of being alone, each person’s inability (or unwillingness) to work on their issues or just pure desperation is driving the hope for reconcilliation”, a chill went up my spine. Are you “reading my mail Susan”?
Thanks for hitting the nail on the head once again!
scottod
Oops, I meant “reading my mail” Susan.
Thanks for this post, Susan. Your descriptions and metaphors speak volumes.