Susan, first of all thank you for all that you do.
How do we/ (did you when you have let go and left in the past), reconcile the good parts of your ex? I mean no matter how bad someone treats you there are wonderful qualities that don’t seem available in other people. What if no one else has those qualities? I have read about splitting, and I know I do that, but what about coming to terms with the good parts?
Your book and the relationship inventory are invaluable in terms of putting it all into perspective, but I am moving out next week, LEAVING, and that’s what always keeps me back is thoughts and memories of the good parts. When you get a chance, can you speak to this?
Thank you and God Bless.
Thank you for writing and for being here. Please stay close as you leave. I will put this post on Should I Leave? at some point but for now I think it’s important to put it here as it’s a post-breakup struggle for many.
I’ve stayed stuck in and had trouble getting over bad relationships because of this issue.
I had to learn to prioritize those things that are “wonderful” and “irreplaceable” about someone. The thing is that so long as I was focused on the “wonderful” things and not having them in any kind of order or priority, I missed the big one that was missing “loves me, shows me that he loves me, and wants to be with me.” And we are compatible and can help each other get through what life throws at us without needing “escape.”
Without that quality, nothing else can really be truly wonderful. There are a lot of people out in the world who have great qualities. But do they want to be with you? Are they part of your life? ARE they part of your life? Respecting who you are and what you’re all about? No, and you don’t run around falling in love with them for that reason.
We can’t fit all the wonderful people in the world into our lives. Mostly because we don’t have the opportunity to meet a lot of them and, even if we did, they wouldn’t want to be part our life. So even if they’re wonderful, they’re not OUR wonderful. Our wonderful INCLUDES “loves me, shows that love and wants to be with me.”
Without that wonderful, no other wonderful matters.
My last serious relationship before Michael was with a musician. Not only was he a musician but he played rhythm and blues and blues, my two favorite genres. And he played with people who had recorded, whose stuff I had in my music collection. One time we went to a person’s house for her birthday and an impromptu jam session broke out and went on all night. There were about 30 blues musicians at the party and 6-8 were playing at any one time. I loved it. I sat there like it was my own private concert. It was one of my favorite memories after we broke up. Where would I find it again? I wouldn’t. I had been involved with musicians before and even a famous one, but this was the most fun I ever had. And no one else had that.
But we were not “life” compatible. He was not going to be there at 2 am when the kid was sick. He was not going to look at life the way I needed a partner to look at life. He was not going to make life easier on me. He was always going to make it harder. Despite how “wonderful” he was when he was wonderful, there were basic incompatibilities that did not work in the face of what Stephen Levine calls “the terrible dailyness” of life. That’s when I need someone to be solid and steady. That turns out to be “wonderful” but not in a stars and fireworks way. More in a rock solid kind of way.
And every guy I had ever been with was musically knowledgeable and had an eclectic collection. I loved guys who could introduce me to new music or I could introduce him. It was definitely a “must have” for a long time. Even the MoAB and I went to concerts and put a big priority on our record collection.
When I met Michael, I asked him about his record collection. It was always a way to gauge compatibility. He not only didn’t have one but when I asked him what his favorite bands were he said “Ozzy Osbourne” and “Led Zepplin.” I said, “Anything in the last 20 years?” He laughed. He had NO musical knowledge. At all. He loved the mixed tapes I made him but hadn’t heard most of the songs before.
Not only that but he knows next to nothing about pop culture. TV shows, movies or whatever. Never understood a lot of movie one-liners that others get (Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Office Space, etc…the movies that most people run the lines off…).
The thing is that we agree on things like love and loyalty and being there for your kids. He’s the 2 am rock solid type. He’s there for me. There for the kids. We supported each other through the “terrible dailyness” and I could always count on him. We agree on all the important things…and Michael is easy going and a good and loving partner, husband, father. Just the kind of stand-up guy, man’s man and all around great person in a way that the others, with their “wonderful” qualities that he doesn’t have, couldn’t even come close.
The blues musician was 4 hours late to the hospital when I was going in for a biopsy that I was terrified about. When we lived in California, I had a dye test that I had a bad reaction to. As they were wheeling the bed into another room, Michael was trotting alongside holding my hand. The doctor said, “You have to stay out here, sir.” and he said no. He was worried but calming and he was always there to calm me when I was going in for a medical procedure. The morning of his seizure we had been to my doctor. He was always there.
Michael showed me he loved me every single day and when I stopped worrying about music and movies, found him to be a witty and accurate observer of life and people. He never said much but when he did, a lot of times it was hilarious.
The MoAB would go to a party and be the life of the party…mesmerizing the room with jokes…everything doubled over in laughter…and I always thought that endearing. But I spent every party alone and then we would go home and he would be, inevitably, in a bad mood. The light-hearted fun guy at the party was never in evidence at home. So what good was that? With Michael he would not say much at all but would turn to me, a lot of times, and make some observation about what was going on and it would be dead-on and hilarious.
AND the MoAB hardly ever went to a doctor’s appointment with me EVEN WHEN THEY WERE PRENATAL APPOINTMENTS. If that was Michael, he would have been there every time.
The list about ex’s and their “wonderfulness” goes on and on. Almost every one had something. They all do. Otherwise we wouldn’t be with them. But the one wonderful “I love you and show you that love and want to be with you.” is missing. And so long as THAT is missing, nothing else is really wonderful. Ever.
Usually “no one else has that” is a matter of perspective. Sometimes it’s a matter of “yeah that’s wonderful but so what? he’s not here.”
Every person in the world has some kind of wonderful that is tough to replace but it’s a balancing test. And the “loves me and is there for me” balances all else. That is why the Relationship Inventory in the book tells you to write down all the positive qualities. To recognize them and to grieve them when you move onto doing the letter, you get to feel about it and grieve it and let it go.
Reline the priorities and realize that every time we let go a relationship we let go some unique qualities, but the most important one: “Is this person for me? Does this person love me and show me that love? Does this person add to my life?” is the one non-negotiable “wonderful’ trait. Everything else is optional.
Grieve the “wonderful” parts and keep it all in perspective. You will one day find a new kind of wonderful and it will be good. :)
Be good to you.
Great post. Main thing that came to my mind whilst reading this was “balance”. I remember when I went to the counselor (stopped that in spring, because I no longer felt the need for it), she would notice that what keeps me stuck is that I go to extremes in thinking about something “wonderful”. She encouraged me to find the middle ground. Ie, when I see that there was something good and nice about my ex, to recognize it as that (nothing more and nothing less), but not to start idealizing him. She actually also thought that in order to let go (as contradictory as it sounds), it’s key to appreciate the “good things” also. But, again, appreciation does not mean putting him on a pedestal. That needs to be balanced with all the BS that led to the breakup.
I believe that he loved me, showed me his love and also wanted to be with me. And STILL, it did not work out. There was too much bad stuff, too much irritation (on both sides). So in some ways, there has been a lot of “wonderful”. He would be there for me when I was sick. He would care for me. BUT: some really unacceptable traits/ behaviours were there also (on both sides, I was highly dysfunctional in this relationship as well, I think it probably triggered all my issues).
So, what does that mean? Balance. It comes down to not idealizing the ex, but not condemning him either. It’s hard to let go both of a “superstar” as well as of a “monster”.
You said….
“I missed the big one that was missing “loves me, shows me that he loves me, and wants to be with me.” And we are compatible and can help each other get through what life throws at us without needing “escape.”
and…
“But the one wonderful “I love you and show you that love and want to be with you.” is missing. And so long as THAT is missing, nothing else is really wonderful. Ever. ”
Susan,
These are key for me, I have found myself in what I call superficial/fair weather relationships that were very one sided and I was always the one who did not need to escape and was down for “the terrible dailyness” . My last 2 exes were wonderful as longs as everything was going well for them and they were getting their needs met. Forget what I wanted and needed, when I expressed my desires it was a problem.
I too enjoy music and most times have encountered men that have a passion for music also, however my narcissistic ex of last year refused to ever accompany to go see an artistic I adore and who rarely came to the area to perform, he would make statements like “I am not going to see your crooner” you can do that bu your self. In the 3 years I spent with that man he would never go with me. EVER! I brought a house during the time I was seeing him and he did not help me move in or ever come to help me do anything. He was not my Mr. Wonderful. He had no interest in being a part of daily life if it did not benefit him in some way.
The last bananahead who was a musician(played 3 instruments) after 3 months would say things like “I am not feeling you right now”. or “you can go home and watch that movie on PPV all you want”. I had a birthday party and he did not come nor did he inquire as to how it was. All signs that he was not my Mr. Wonderful either and to top[ all the he wanted me to take the entire BLAME for the breakdown of the relationship. Yeah right! He was mean, self-centered and now that I think of it a money worshipping FAKE!
With this said both these men had some good qualities but nothing that would sustain an emotionally healthy or happy relationship. They did not love me, show they loved me or want to be with me, both needed to escape. My Michael will be there for the “the terrible dailyness” . THAT IS WONDERFUL and ALL GOOD.
Beautiful Post Susan,
CoCoa45
I forgot one thing…they both said the same thing at the end….
“I CAN’T DO THIS”….These words make me cringe, but one thing for sure when I hear this I run for cover and I believe just what they are telling me…They CAN’T!!!
I had this conversation the other day, with a few “colleagues” from the office (internship I did). We were in a cafe, and the topic of women interpreting things that men do, came up. It was hilarious because we talked about all the “classics”, like a guy not calling and the girl checking whether her phone works properly, or buying into the “he is intimidated by strong women” crap. We ended up joking about it (and it was kinda freeing), saying the guy probably is so intimidated that his hands are shaking and he cannot reach for the phone, since he is so impressed.
It’s really strange how women tend to interpret all kinds of stuff into weirdo behaviour. Whilst it would be easiest to actually BELIEVE what they are telling!! And if they don’t call, they are not interested!
No, you can’t. Because you’re king baby sitting on the throne and I need a REAL MAN!
My musician guy used to also take me to nice music things. We used to go listen to this incredible jazz saxophone player in this intimate little place. We would sit in a half moon booth, side by side, listening to this incredible sax and he would look over at me and smile. I really had trouble letting that go in the end but it was really meaningless when push came to shove. Because when push came to shove he was nowhere to be found. Anyone can sit in a jazz club and freaking smile at you. No heavy lifting there. Hearts and flowers stuff but not worth a thing when you’re alone with a leaky pipe and a crying baby.
Michael and I went to see Andrea Boccelli in 99 and that was very special. I brought Boccelli’s CD home from Italy when I went to Sicily in 98 and though he didn’t understand a word of it, he loved it. We played it all the time.
So when he came to the US on tour, it was TOUGH to get tickets, but we did. We had good seats and stayed in a hotel (we had traveled to the concert) and Michael dressed up without even being told to (score!). We had a lovely dinner before the show and a lovely snack out in a romantic place afterwards. it was one of the most romantic nights of my life. And we were married 3 years at the time. And he was there before that night and after that night.
And it was part of a solid commitment, not a “wooing” which actually made it more special.
Sometimes, I wish I could have your posts tattooed on my brain or just inhale them until they are a part of me.
“loves me, shows that love and wants to be with me.” It’s that simple really isn’t it?
Your ex shares many similar qualities to my exH. Reading that had many echoes. Right down to “life of the party” followed by the dark side when we got home and being abandoned at social events. And I’m no wallflower.
What am I saying? I was abandoned at more than social events. I was a single parent a long time before we split, despite sharing a house with this man. Although, I think your MoaB was a million times worse. Ex and I have children and are at a point of détente now. However, we had to spend a few hours on the weekend sorting out some stuff on an old computer that was being thrown out. Found lots of old photos which brought back a lot of stuff. I was looking at this woman (me) and seeing how unhappy she was, although I was so numb and in so much pain at the time that it was barely conscious. And the bad bits just kept coming up… it was a really bad relationship for a number of years before we split. Why didn’t I demand more? See it sooner? Why did I let him do that to me? I am so thankful I am out of that now, but it was painful to revisit but probably a good reminder of why we are no longer together. Still, there was anger at him for destroying my self esteem to boost his own, at him for being so manipulative and selfish, for dumping so much of his stuff on me, anger at his enormous ego – there was really no room for anyone else, me or the kids, and most of all anger at myself for letting it happen and not looking after myself by getting out of it. I can’t believe I let someone treat me like that. Am I going to do it again? I spent most of my adult life with this person. I don’t know any different. I don’t know how to navigate the next bit.
I am very mistrustful of my own judgement moving forward. Been thinking a lot about red flags (will I see them?) and whether there is a possibility for someone in my future or whether I am just better off alone… Haven’t posted much for a bit, still reading but I am beginning to move on, I’m pretty happy now, feeling in a pretty good place. Thanks in no small part to your work.
Rather than angsting about the future, I think I will just go back to basics. What I want is someone who: “Loves me, shows that love and wants to be with me.” (And who I feel the same way about.) YES.
Thanks, Susan. Hope you are going okay.
Annae.
And the prenatal appointments!! I did them on my own too!!!
What you experienced sounds very similar to what I went through. I also am struggling so much right now with anger at myself. If I could kick my own butt, I would. WHY did I put up with so much crap?!
Well, I was scared. It was fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not having him in my life (we got together when I was 16. I’m 35 now). Fear of failure–having to admit that I made a huge mistake in marrying him.
But, still. I knew I deserved better, but I put up with it. I spent the last two years with my head turned while he carried on with someone else. It made me so angry and hurt–at him, yes. But mostly at me for not throwing a fit, not demanding better, for not gathering up my kids and walking out the front door.
Why do we do this? Why do we settle for less? And why are some of us so paralyzed with fear that we knowingly allow people to destroy us? I’m a smart woman. I’m a good person. I deserved so much better. And I’m so mad at myself right now.
I’m like you: when the time is right and I am ready to give love another shot, I will go back to the basics. Because, really, the basics cover everything.
Managed to change myself back to Annae. (It’s still me.)
Feeling like I have let myself down is the worst for me, Tigerlily47. Still don’t have an answer as to why I put up with so much. Don’t want to do it again. But! I don’t want to go the other way and be so protective of myself that I am completely inflexible when it comes to relationships. I don’t want to forget how to love. I just don’t get the balance. I suppose it will come in time when I’m ready.
Actually, the photos were a blessing to go through, even though it was painful. Because I had been feeling a bit regretful before that. He’s a nice guy in many ways, on a superficial level. Fun to be with, loves our kids, is very entertaining, makes everyone laugh (including me).
And I was missing the family unit as it was. Parents + kids, not being able to give them a “normal” (nuclear family) experience.
The other bits, the bits that were killing me, the 2am bits, the bits that can’t deal with the messy stuff, the nasty negativity, the dark side that only I got to see (lucky me). Those bits aren’t part of my experience of him now we’re no longer together, so I was splitting a bit, I guess. Not even close to wanting to rekindle anything, but just feeling like maybe if I’d tried a bit harder we would have got through – actually what I was starting to feel was that maybe it was all my fault! Aargh! Time for a bit of a journal.
Anyway, was beginning to just look at the good things thinking it was my fault – until I saw that deeply unhappy woman. It was like being dropped back into the experience. Reality check!!
I worry about putting up walls and not being flexible, too. I am a good, caring, kind, giving, loving, passionate person. But I sure don’t know how I will ever trust anyone again after what my ex has done. I don’t want to turn into a bitter, cynical person. Maybe, when the right person comes along, I’ll know it’s right and it will be easy to trust again.
I also struggle with blaming myself ALL THE TIME. I think about all the things I should have done, wish I had done… I find myself thinking that if I had been more lovable, my kids would still have their dad. I’m getting better about shutting those thoughts out once they start. I know in my heart that I did the best I could.
It’s good that you are journaling. Sometimes when you put pen to paper (or, in my case, fingers to keyboard!) it’s easier to make sense of all the stuff swirling around in your head. It forces you to put words and names on the feelings.
My ex comes by every weeknight to see the kids. He made a very nasty, uncalled for remark to our oldest daughter last night, and reminded me (well, all of us, really) that he really *is* a jerk. That was my reality check for yesterday :)
the music is a BIG problem for me. i am passionate about music and live performances. the men that have me falling head over heels share my passion. for some reason i see that as being a most important quality. this of course intensifies the heartbreak upon separation because any music experience shared then becomes a haunting reminder. there are some albums and artists that i have not been able to listen to because the memories are too painful. during my 18 month sabbatical of learning to be happy by myself, i attended a few concerts alone. scary, nerve-wracking, embarrassing, and empowering. of course, now i must fear running into the recent ex, which will keep me away (and has made me miss a few really great shows after the ex-ex that i regret) from any shows anytime soon.
my passion for music is something i want to *share*! how can i reconcile this part of my personality that i seek to validate?
This post is just what I needed this morning. I have had a wonderful week of vacation with friends. I have never laughed as hard or as much as I did during this week. I realized that I laugh all the time and I feel so much lighter. Last night I told my brother that all the crap I went through during this breakup was worth it to get to where I am right now. Without this breakup, I would not have the incredible friends who love me for me. I would not be experiencing the personal growth and all of the adventures that seem to be coming my way.
However, what I do not tell anyone is that I still miss him and wish that he could have experienced these things with me. I am very realistic in the fact that he would have never enjoyed these adventures and in fact, had I still been with him, I would have never been able to enjoy my life as I do now.
Although he told me how he was the only person to understand me, or love me, or “get me”, I never felt he was there for me emotionally. When I needed the emotional support I was told that I was high-maintenance.
I remember one time I was at work and my heart started skipping. I now realize it was stress, but at the time I was 43 and thought I was having a heart attack. I was sent to the hospital emergency room. He met me at the hospital and stayed for every bit of an hour. I can still see him standing there telling me that “it seems like your okay so I’m going back to work”. It was my daughter that sat with me. I was terrified and he dismissed me. That was within the first year of our marriage and was pretty much the tone of our relationship. I always felt that anything and everything was just was step above me. I was almost number one but not quite and if I kept working at it, I just might make number one.
As I type this, I can see the insanity and the triggers of this relationship. I have been NC since April(ish) other than driving by his place the other day to see if he by chance had moved out of my community. Even though I know that I am still working on so many issues, I can say that I will never, ever crawl back into a cage for the sake of a relationship.
“Is this person for me? Does this person love me and show me that love? Does this person add to my life?”
No. He didn’t.
He hugged me and kissed me. He told me he loved me multiple times a day.
But he also wouldn’t hold down a job.
He never helped out around the house.
He never played with our kids.
He never went places with me and the kids.
He wouldn’t pick up after himself.
He criticized me non-stop.
He would stay out all night drinking.
He cheated on me.
He made nasty comments about my clothes.
He pointed out other women’s bodies to me.
He has/had a porn addiction.
I’m trying to remember just what I thought was so wonderful about this person. I suppose it’s that when he was being nice to me, when he did pay attention to me, I soaked it up like a sponge. I wanted to absorb as much as I could because I didn’t know when he was going to “like” me again.
I don’t ever want to lower my standards like that again. I will carry these words with me: “loves me, shows me that he loves me, and wants to be with me.” That will be my litmus test for all people in my future.
Tiger Lily
WOW! My list of things that my ex-husband did had every thing on it that yours did except for holding down a job. I was a single parent while married and I was so alone while married but I never realized it. I think about something Susan said last week, about waking up with nightmares/night terrors and I did that a lot because of my childhood trauma and sexual abuse. And my ex-husband would tell me to shut up and go to sleep. And he would be asleep in seconds while I lay there with my heart pounding and my mind racing and terrified to death. Not exactly “showing that he loved me”
Very telling…
My ex loved music. Rhythm and blues and hip hop. And he was a great dancer. Seeing him dance was a sexy experience. We went dancing a couple of times, and, even though I’m not a great dancer at all, he was supportive of my wanting to learn. He never made me feel like an idiot even when I felt like one. He would meditate at least once a day and liked to see what things his body could do. I seriously loved some of our conversations.
But he had crazy mood swings. He would be really nice one day and completely cold the next day. He told me, near one of the ends of our relationship, that he did not care about people deeply, only ideas. He called himself evil, and some of the things he said and did were just that. I almost admired that he was so in tune with his faults. He told me, after I tried standing up for myself, that “he could see now what kind of woman I am.” To this day, that hurts. I keep imagining him having sex with other girls, and it makes me so jealous. That’s when I try to say “stop” out loud instead of torturing myself.
He doesn’t care deeply about people, only ideas? Gross. That’s disturbing to me. Who cares who is sleeping with? It’s good that YOU are no longer having sex with someone incapable of caring about you deeply.
It really is disturbing. But during the relationship I kind of felt like it was my “job” to get him to care. It was very dysfunctional and made me feel crazy. The reason I feel so fixated on his sex life is because he’s the only person I’ve had sex with, and in a way, I feel possessive even though he is not mine to have.
In a lot of ways, I am relieved not to be having sex with him or have him in my life because it frees me up for better experiences. Thank you for reminding me of that.
After reading this post, I felt compelled to revisit the positive/negative list on my exes (as part of the relationship inventory). I found that with my most recent one, he had a lot of wonderful qualities: cute, smart, responsible, stable, funny, friendly, great taste in music, etc. In fact, when I compared the number of positive things to the negative, they outweighed the number of bad things I had written down.
However, I also found that he was missing the most important qualities that Susan had so clearly articulated in her post. My last ex did not love me, and in the end he did not want to be with me. Our relationship was for the most part superficial in the sense that I never really reached the point of true intimacy with him.
We got along well and never had a fight because we were both afraid of confrontation. We never had issues because we didn’t want to face them and talk about them. Once the relationship started settling down to its normal ebb and flow (along with the “terrible dailyness”) he chose to walk away. Towards the end of the relationship, even though I slept next to him, I felt alone and hollow.
He is a nice man with many good qualities, but if he was so great – he would still be with me and we would have resolved our issues together. So it just shows that he’s not good enough for me. And I believe Maxwell when he said “Someone better’s gonna love you.” :)
Gosh, this post was written for me. today caught myself recycling the past, splitting, filling in with fantasies of all the things I hoped the ex would always do for me. But he had never been there for me. For all his words, his actions never matched up.
I realized that I was always left abandoned at every major point in our relationship and even though we have both broken up, made our peace with it, it has been so hard for me to reconcile the grief of losing him. not sure why the feelings keep coming back even though it’s been so long. Will I never be able to find someone new because of this?
susan,
great post….my ex is also a musician and it’s a very seductive thing…
but as you said, what counts is does he love me and is he there for me?
when i did the relationship inventory, the list of things on the positive list was ridiculously short and it was filled with things that were non-essentials.
thanks for reminding me of what IS essential.
Aahh Susan, I swear you have some sort of radar that picks up the general consensus of the collective consciousness of the people who follow your site (who knows, maybe the human race all together).
In my quest to deal with the loneliness of breakups and simply accept it and not run out and find something (someone) to bandage it, my subversive mind has been crafting all sorts of romantic, irreplaceable, sweeping memories/thoughts/attributes to an ex-boyfriend. While he was many things that I admired and wanted in a mate ie: inherently decent, cool (oh gawd he was so cool), had incredible taste in clothes, music, food. He was well travelled, intelligent, witty, thoughtful, fun, and ladies and gentlemen, he loved and respected his mom and dad. He called his daughter his “magnum opus”… (big cosmic sigh)
I appreciate the fact that you have shared the immenently logical, clear cut, incisive wisdom that as wonderful as he was/is… he’s not here in my life. He chose to not be present yesterday or today. That is the deal breaker, isn’t it? I can recycle that and have all sorts of rosy recall about him, but it doesn’t change an unwillingess or inability to be present, does it?
I hope you don’t get tired of the repeated thank yous on here, because I honestly do thank the day that I found this site. It has assuaged many a heartache and illuminated painful roads that I didn’t need to travel.
lele,
you nailed it when you said “he’s not here in my life. He chose to not be present yesterday or today. That is the deal breaker, isn’t it?”
so true…
When I was in the shower just now, thinking about this entry and my response, it hit me “discount it all”. When Susan said, when talking about people who you couldn’t reconcile how they had been vs who they’d turned into she said essentially when you can’t tell what was true, discount it all. Well I think this boils down to fairly much the same thing. Yes, he’s many terrific things, but he apparently isn’t MY terrific thing. So, when you don’t know what to do with it “discount it all”.
I don’t need to pine for and lament over a person who “just isn’t that into me”. Right? Right.
Peace be with us all.
Music happens to be a big part of my life. Although I am not a devoted musician, occasionally I manage to pick up my electric guitar and play some tunes. Whenever I tried to play for my ex (over the phone), she didn’t seem to appreciate me much for that talent. She would comment “that was great”. And that’s it. I always wanted her to ask me things about my musical skills. I wanted her to ask me “can you play a song for me?”. She never did. A while ago, I talked to an old friend after almost two years… she asked me “Can you please play your guitar for me? I remember how you would play stuff for me before…” That was when I just broke up with my ex and felt like I was worthless. After hearing that from my friend, I almost cried in joy. It made me realize my ex didn’t appreciate me for being who I am and there ARE people out there who appreciate me for being the person I am.
This post is really true, not just about romantic relationships but about friendships and dynamics with famly members as well. It all comes down to a “love is an action.”
I do think that there are good, special things about everyone on the planet, which someone else may not have. It’s what makes us individuals. But someone really being there for us definitely trumps any kind of shared laughter over an inside joke or appreciation of a song.
My dad is a horrible, vile excuse for a man, but he is fun and outgoing, and definitely instilled in me some of my zest for life (my mom and brother veer more toward the solitary). So I can’t say he is all bad and was utterly useless in my life. I am grateful to him for giving me this attribute, but does it negate all the rejection and abandonment and abuse and mistreatment? Hell to the no.
Likewise, my ex sucked, but he had some really endearing qualities. He was cuddly. Sometimes he’d laugh so hard that tears would pour from his eyes. He’d often sit next to me in restaurants rather than sit across. I loved all these things. But big whoop — all said, he was not there for me at all and I know I can do MUCH better. And I will.
This is so timely, as always. I’ve had two breakups with the same ex in the past twelve months – one last July and one in May. The breakup in July was so dramatic, I caught him lying, and it was easy to stay stuck in resentment and anger and not think about the good things. I found the Relationship Inventory incredibly useful for balancing that out, though not surprisingly, the lists of negative things about the relationship and him were much longer than the positives, but the positives were still there and it was good to be reminded of that and find balance.
This time, and I know it will be the last, is so different and I’m currently swinging the opposite way. Over the previous six months we’d been back together, there had been a lot of good things. When we broke up this time it was free of the previous drama, just very quiet, and overwhelmingly I felt relief to finally have disengaged myself gracefully from a relationship that I knew wasn’t meeting my needs or right for me. So much was missing from that relationship. I didn’t particularly miss him or feel sad, I’d been grieving the relationship while deciding to whether to stay or go, and the anger and resentment that had marked our previous big breakups (all four of them – the classic boomerang relationship) was absent.
Over this last weekend I did a new RI on my ex, really just adding to the previous one, and also the relationship graph from the Grief Recovery Handbook. I’m visual, and when I see it all laid out on a graph with the highs and lows, it really brings home the bigger picture. I also did the precursor to the GR completion letter, that’s what I’ve left to do. I felt so sad.
The fact is, though, the good things were the icing on the cake. Only the cake was missing and all we had was icing with no substance underneath. When he wanted to get back together last year, he wrote me an email saying how he wanted to spend his life with me, wake up every morning together, and go to dinner and dancing etc – all the lovely things we enjoyed doing. Nowhere did he mention building a solid, loving, mutually supportive, healthy relationship built on trust. And when I said that to him, he swore this time he’d do his work, and the things he hadn’t done the previous times, to make it possible to move our relationship forwards. I was aware it was a red flag at the time, but in true codendent fashion, thought that maybe this time, things really would change. They didn’t, at least not enough.
In the end, we continued to have the icing, and I miss the good things, which in our case, revolved around movies and music and dancing. And while I miss the good and the wonderful, and the positive qualities/positive things about him, in no way do they balance what wasn’t there.
topaz4 I can relate! I have had relationships with some of the most charming, smooth people, and some great dancers! And STILL I haven’t had a real, honest, committed relationship with someone who was there in good times and hard times – the best one was with an addict who later died of his addictions. I don’t feel robbed on the romance and excitment front – I have gone out with some of the most talented, funny, charming people, but they weren’t committed relationship types.
And I think Susan is right – those breathlessly romantic ones, the astonishingly good-looking one, the super-talented driven one who everyone was awed by in a crowd – none of them were EVER there for me in a crisis. Good times sure, but hard times – you’re on your own babe. But good luck, and give me a call soon baby!
Hmm … my tastes are definitely changing …
TangoLola
TangoLola
“I have had relationships with some of the most charming, smooth people, and some great dancers! And STILL I haven’t had a real, honest, committed relationship with someone who was there in good times and hard times”.
I had to smile when I read your reply : )
I started latin dancing 7 years ago and have met several men there who were SO smooth and SO charming, and the physical chemistry on the dancefloor really tripped me up. Though I love all the latin styles, esp the Brazilian ones, I’m a sucker for a great zouk/lambada , which, like argentinian tango (not sure what style you dance) is a close embrace, and when I’m with someone who can move AND is charming, well, it’s led to some high romance with commitmentphobes and unavailable men.
So now, in my current zouk class, and on the dance floor, I am SO wary of the charming guys who can dance. I know now what the dance is with my ’stuff’ and theirs, and I find I’m no longer attracted to them – I can see through the charm, and I enjoy the dance and walk away. And find myself dancing more and more with the nice guys who can dance a storm but aren’t so smooth and charming : )
Topaz
just remember that there are two sides to a coin in why an ex wasn’t there in the end folks
…in the end of my 2 year relationship I ”wasn’t there” with my ex often.. on here she might echo what many women were saying too, ie, ”J was so sweet, nice, worldly, a great activity guy, easy to talk with , intelligent, easy socializer with my friends who loved him…but in the end he chose not to show up” …well that’s true, because HER (ex’s) behaviours were to emotionally close down so often and I got tired of that…
or i’d have to deal with an 18 year old daughter with whom I had really tried to ‘bond’ but had major anger/cynicism issues (her dad was a no show often so that makes sense)….and in my presence the daughter would be verbally abusive to her mother…the mother wouldn’t enforce boundaries of respect…i got tired of that and started losing respect for them both….wanted nothing to do with the kid in the end…
So do I regret ‘not showing up’ in the end in not following through or being there for the dailies of life’s ups/downs? Yes and No….Yes, because this was my first experience with a single mom and knowing what I do now I would have spent time alone with the kid engaging her trust and heart (esp since I lost my parents when very young)…but often I was unsure how to act when the daughter start controlling things and/or would blurt out to her mom to ”kiss my ass!” (or whatever)…yeah thanks, S..like I really want to be supportive and around THAT sort of stuff…so I was unsure how to act …
Yet when I would pipe up my two cents I’d get the inevitable shut down by mom telling me to not interfere (mom was worried the kid would leave and go live on the street…so she was doing the best of what she thought she should do I guess, with all due respect)…but it caused me to emotionally retreat and I started to harbour my anger by distancing…(anger is taboo: we’ve often had poor role models when it comes to understanding it and resolving issues)
So on the other hand I do NOT regret not coming through in the end (and I’m not the only boyfriend this kid has caused tensions with I’m told)…regardless learning is always 20/20 hindsight.
There are always two sides to a story…as I’ve said to all dumpees: it would be interesting to get the ex up here and hear their side of the story, too….i’m sure disappointment ran both ways….after a while for whatever myriad of reasons, things no longer ”fit” (sadly)…what i’ve learned going forward is a sense of my boundaries ie, being more assertive (but also respectful/diplomatic) when I see crap …to not tolerate one who doesn’t wish to resolve tensions (my ex came from a scottish background and keeping a ’strong upper lip’ was common…only in the last few years has she for instance hugged her sister (bothin 40s/50s)….don’t get me wrong as I know I would have been more loving, openhearted and patient too…but abusive behaviours (esp when I saw how coddled, spoiled this kid could be and still be so unappreciative..well that just made me fume).
I’m not sure if you’ve read much of the blog. This site is very much about both sides–actually, it’s about whatever side your on. And getting to a place where you’re happy and picking people who add (not take away) from your life. Good luck with your healing.
hey I hear you on ‘both sides being presented’…yet I disagree too, to some extent: often on so many of these threads (despite this being a very good one) many of us dumpees can engage in a villain/victim mentality: we either beat ourselves up relentlessly or our ex (and/or we go back and forth…ay vay!).
Aside from horribly abusive situtuations, for most of us I think the truth of whatever happened lies somewhere in the middle: you both made mistakes and can hopefully grow into better people down the road from the bustup
Personally I’m trying to achieve (if at all possible) a state of grace: to forgive both myself for my shortcomings/mistakes/blunders and my exe’s errors, too….to see us as both human…yet from this still try to move on (even though my heart is still heavy 10 months later)….just today i got notice your book has arrived so will be picking it up shortly, Susan.