Someone asked that I put a post in about recommended books.
Listed below are the books from the right hand side of the blog, but I want to open up the recommendations to readers. I know that many of you have read Finding Your North Star and other books and perhaps someone could describe it for others. What it is, what influence it’s had on you etc.
Also, use this thread to ask questions about the books recommended here. Some of the books on my list are classic academic grief works because that is the basis for my academic work (Bowlby,Murray Parkes). If you have any questions about these suggestions, please ask the questions here.
The Getting Past Your Breakup book:
For those of you who have the book you know that it has an EXTENSIVE bibliography in the back. It was very important for me to include books that were read at some point and led to the GPYP philosophy. Some of them I’ve never even mentioned on the blog (mostly because they are academic books). But if you have any questions about THOSE books, please feel free to use this thread to ask questions about those books as well.
These are the most influential books and authors on my work.
In addition to the list above, I also found the following books helpful…
- Better Single than Sorry by Jenn Scheftt: I was initially skeptical of this one because it was written by someone from the show the Bachelorette. At the time, I only bought it because it the price was significantly discounted. This book is not at all academic, but I like the fact that she collected views and personal anecdotes from different people about why it’s great to be single and hold out for the right person. After reading this, I felt empowered and grateful and excited to be single.
- Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle: This book is about meditation and awakening to the present. It greatly helped me process and deal with the intense pain and suffering that I felt after my first breakup.
- Road Less Traveled by M.Scott Peck: This book was quoted multiple times in Susan’s GPYP website, and it is one of those books that has made a profound impact in my life. I was dealing with so many questions and frustrations regarding my breakup, and this book helped me accept the reality that many things are simply not under our control. The book dispels a lot of myths that are heavily ingrained in our society, such as expectations that life should be fair and good things happen to good people.
Are you kidding me? I don’t have Road Less Traveled on the list???? How many M. Scott Peck quotes do I have in the book? MULTIPLE!!! And on the blog? Too many to mention.
Thank you for letting me know. Major OVERSIGHT!
Yes, I actually double checked to make sure my eyes weren’t deceiving me :) It’s all good!
FIXED!!! Thanks!
I read “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.” by Mira Kirshenbaum. I got to question 9 and realized I had a problem. Confronted him and he broke up with me. Realize now he had been trying to get me to break up with him for a few months. Had I known about the new girlfriend, it wouldn’t have been a problem. But I digress.
I thought the book was incredible. Only got halfway through but it really opened my eyes. Ordered your book after the breakup. Still on your book. You give a lot more homework than Mira ;).
Plan to go back and read the rest of hers after I finish yours.
Susan,
I would love to know what you think of Women Who Run with the Wolves. I bought the book a few months ago bc it was mentioned here – but it wasn’t what I was expecting, and I haven’t gotten far into it.
Yvonne
It can be hard to get into if you’ve not done any kind of Jungian reading before.
My suggestion is to read a chapter on something that might be an issue and then taking it from there. If you don’t like the “fairy tales,” you can skip them if you know the story. It’s possible to read the analysis without having read the story though she usually makes references to the story.
I like Finding Your Pack for people who don’t get along with their family.
There is a part of a chapter on forgiveness that I always quote here.
I skipped around a lot in the book but read it all. All of the lessons about traps, honing your instincts, etc are really important IMO.
You’re not the first person who has trouble getting through it. But it has a rhythm and once you settle into it, it’s really a lovely book and quite empowering.
Women who run with the wolves is a very dense book. When I read it, I felt that it was very nourishing, but I could only read a few pages at a time (and then digest them). I personally found it very inspiring, but it takes a while to get through it :-)
This is more of a website than a book, but it’s something I read everyday and I believe most of it is taken from Melody Bettie’s Language of Letting Go which you have above:
http://www.melodybeattie.com/gpage6.html
It’s daily meditations, and I love reading them in the morning when I first get to work. Don’t tell my boss! :-) I put some of the really good quotes in my gratitude/positive affirmation journal.
Fearless Living and Fearless Loving both by Rhonda Britten
Oooh, I was just about to suggest Fearless Living! I bought that on a whim a few years ago, after a bad session with a useless new counsellor who just turned everything I said into a question and asked it back to me. Reflective listening can be helpful, but this was ridiculous. Annoyance at her powered me halfway through that book! It’s a great read.
I hadn’t heard of Fearless Loving, I’ll have to track it down.
‘fearless loving’ is a good read, too…”’about healing, boundaries, knowing what your need/want…’tis about knowing that good love takes courage and that while you always risk it not working out in the long run (‘forever happily ever’ is a bit of a romantic myth) nonetheless good love, mature love (etc) is always worth it the journey.
Susan: I think this is a really altruistic and selfless thread, as I realize you’re letting people recommend books in a genre that could be competing (in an abstract sense) with your great book. I think youre book is the best “practical” book on this subject…something you can actually do right now, with tried and true advice owing to the fact that you’ve “been there” – where a lot of other authors of these types of books leave themselves out of it, and they seem more academic as a result.
One thing I’ve mentioned to promote your book (at least in a small way, though it’s hard to judge how much this can help, I personally think it DOES help, as me, and many of my friends, read reviews on Amazon, before buying things there. If you like Susan’s book and it’s helped you, leave a really good review of it on Amazon…to me, this stuff is sooo hard to get through, that I think it’s doing people a big favor to recommend a book such as yours.
I’m doing a whole program to help me through this break-up, as I vowed that I would not let myself go through the misery, for sooooo long, as I have in prior break-ups…Your book, and The Grief Recovery Handbook are tops on my list….I think all these things combined, have helped me tremendously, and even though I’m ill…and older…I’m not going to pieces and the future looks bright (for the most part).
Kitchen Table Wisdom (a compilation of stories of people “getting through” which are really inspiring. (Rachel Naomi Remen, MD
Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford (looking at breaking up from a spiritual point of view)
I do these meditations by Nina Livingstone…they are downloads that I listen to on my ipod, etc…She has a “Forgiveness Meditation” that I do for myself, meaning I’m trying to forgive myself…(I totally agree w/ you that we leave the forgiveness of our ex’s to the very end, because we can’t afford to go there right now, at least I can’t…but I will….
She’s amazing…She’s a hospice nurse and that caring and patience comes through…I cried my eyes out when I first tried to forgive myself, I realized how hard on myself I’ve always been…(I believe many of us are)…I can tell it’s worked wonders on me…and I’ve used it to help me try to ask forgiveness from my mother (I’ve put her through the ringer for many years)….I also do “Uncovering Compassion” by her…to have compassion for myself and others…to help me with my anger at myself…
I also do (I know, a lot huh?) Hypnosis Tapes from Uncommon Knowledge…at Hypnosisdownloads dot com…
They have hypnosis tapes on every thing you can possibly think of…the ones I do as it relates to this issues are…
Getting Over a Relationship
Fear/Anxiety
Let It Go
7-11 Breathing
I also look at Eckhart Tolle DVDs and Cds…
another download…Release Sadness and Grief…Darren Marks…
And for helping me with thoughts, and thoughts about thoughts…I Need Your Love, Is that True by Byron Katie…
Sorry there’s so much, but I’m a mess…lol….it’s all helping, but like anything, you gotta work it! If you want to feel better….thanks for the opportunity and thanks for your great book!
Thank you. As a wonky academic I cite my sources, influences and inspirations. :)
Thank you for helping with the book reviews!!!
I TRULY appreciate the encouragement to have people give reviews on Amazon and Barnes and Noble etc. The reviews REALLY help, so thank you for that!!!
I’m glad you like the book! It was the product of everyone here asking for it! And others (outside of here) seem to like it too. :) thanks again!
Susan – Thanks for running this thread – so many great books etc to add to my list : )
The Road Less Travelled – thanks Carnellian for reminding me! – was the first book my counsellor suggested after my marriage broke down. It gave me my working definition of genuine love.
Phidian – I love meditations too so thanks for describing the Nina Livingstone ones – I’ve just checked out her website and will order the one on Forgiveness when I get home.
I also find Byron Katie’s work to be so incredibly useful for questioning my thoughts and beliefs.
Susan and Greenroses – thanks for your replies about Women Who Run with the Wolves – a friend lent it to me 7 years ago but I couldn’t get into it, I just don’t think I was ready for it then. Now I understand why, and will have another go.
1. Finding Your Own North Star, by Martha Beck, which has been mentioned so much by readers on this blog.
I read it 6 years ago, but like so many other books I have, didn’t do all the exercises; I derailed myself halfway through the exercises by distracting myself with another dysfunctional relationship. Not sure if it was too threatening to find my North Star at that time. It’s time to go back to it and actually work it this time. I know other readers have mentioned another book by her – can anyone recommend anything else?
2. In the Meantime – Iyanla Vanzant.
She uses the metaphor of a house – starting off in basement of unconsciousness, and once we have the epiphany moment that we’re the common denominator in everything that’s not working, we work our way up through the different levels of the house, until we reach the attic – though, as she says, most people reside very happily on the third floor of genuine love. So the ‘meantime’ is that time between when we start doing the work, and when we find that peace and happiness in ourselves that allows us to find genuine love, and is full of learning experiences. One quote (paraphrased) that always gets me through – ‘in the meantime, you’re being protected from something worse and prepared for something better’.
3. The Nine Steps to Forgiveness – Dr Fred Luskin.
Another reader on this blog suggested this to me last year when I was seething with resentment at two exes and my dad. His website is great and he has a page that I’ve printed out that lists the 9 steps – I have a copy in my journal so I can read it every time I open it. He also has a great talk that’s a free MP3 download floating around on the internet (not sure if I can post links here). I didn’t really understand forgiveness until I listened to and read his stuff – I knew I had to do it for my own good, but I didn’t know what it was or how to go about it.
4. Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl – Natalie Lue.
I found this e-book on the internet a couple of months ago, it’s very recent. The author, like Susan, is straightshooting and doesn’t pull any punches. For me, it followed on from the understandings I got from reading Robin Norwood and Melody Beattie. It describes, in great detail, my particular pattern – going for unavailable men and commitmentphobes. It is gender specific, like WHLTM, and and specifically addresses women who find themselves in the role of the ‘fallback girl’ – the “trusty, reliable woman, that he ‘falls back’ on to massage his ego and cater to all of his idiosyncrasies, whilst contributing little or nothing to the relationship” (p90) over and over with unavailable men. This can include being the rebound, being the other woman, being in boomerang relationships, codependents etc.
I’d been on the verge of a breakup when I found it (I wish I’d known about the Mira Kirschenbaum book a month before that and had the Should I Leave blog been up and running…) and when I read this and understood why I kept getting drawn into the same boomerang relationship with an emotional unavailable man (EUM), and what it meant about my own commitment issues, and understood the dynamics, I was able to stop and walk away.
Topaz,
I like the house metaphor. It reminds me of the “dream house technique” in Susan Anderson’s book (Journey from Abandonment to Healing).
I used to have a very disturbing dream (and variations of it) when I was still with my ex. I lived in a house that had big rooms, they had beautiful furniture and there was one room that I was so scared of entering, because I knew that dead bodies were lying there.
Very disturbing!
Gladly, that dream seems to have left my system. Anyways, I tend to have some dreams about houses, and I think there is a connection between ourselves/ our lives and those houses.
And in the “Wolves” book, there is some reference to this house metaphor also, re. entering rooms that scare us etc. I love the wolves book :-)
Greenroses
Thanks – and glad you’ve stopped having that particular dream! Someone once told me our houses represent our physical bodies, which house our hearts, minds and souls.
I’ve often had house dreams – wolves at the door, gas cooker catching on fire etc. Recently I had a dream that I got home and it took me a while before I noticed that the sliding door in my bedroom (I don’t have one in real life) wasn’t quite closed properly and realised someone had broken in. I turned around to see my ex standing in the doorway, telling me it was okay, he was here to take care of me…but it was so sinister and I knew not to trust him, that he would hurt me. I was terrified and started crying in the dream and woke up crying. And it was really such a good metaphor for our relationship.
I also have heaps of car dreams – direction in life apparently – and more than anything else, swimming/water dreams.
Topaz4: Oh! I’m gonna get even! lol…now you’ve peaked my curiosity! Especially that Martha Beck book about the Northstar….and I’m going to see the Dr. Luskin website…and a few others you’ve mentioned…I’m one of those perfectionists types that has a tendency to get “over prepared” but not read and do all I have…this time though, I’ve been pretty good about doing the work…guess I know that I can’t afford not to…many thanks for your suggestions…
Yes, Nina Livingstone is amazing…I’m an old hand at hypnosis tapes, meditations, etc…and I think she’s really one of the best I’ve ever done…she really cares, you can tell…it’s not rote stuff with her…she’s so relaxing though, I have to make sure I’m sitting up or she relaxes me to sleep, no matter how uptight and anxious I am…her voice! You’ll see…
One book I found curious, but effective (though he might be overhyping how long it will take to get over someone, with me anyway…is this book
How To Get Over Anyone…
he says he uses…
Neuro-linguistic programming, subconscious mind programming, Behavioral psychology, Hypnosis, Physiology and it’s really interesting, but he tries to explain WHY you go for this type or that type…(Like he goes explains that you might be always looking for really good looking men because of something that happened when you were young, that kind of stuff…and it’s helpful to examine these issues….)
I found some of his suggestions very helpful whenever I start thinking my ex was the best thing since sliced bread, you know that feeling…ugh…English is his second language, so you have to excuse his grammar, etc…but it’s an e-book to, and I think worth it…M. Farouk Radwan…Just forgot that one…I’ll stop, lol….
Thanks Phidian – I’ll consider myself got : ) lol
The last guy you mentioned sounds very interesting and I’ll be looking him up too…sounds like it’s right up my alley…
I do a lot of emotional balancing work with my therapist that is sort of like kinesiology. It uses the Chinese meridian/organ and Indian chakra systems to locate where subconscious beliefs are stuck/causing blockages in the body, therefore causing physical and emotional imbalances and manifesting in dysfunctional behaviours. Fascinating and so effective for getting to the subconscious stuff – the stuff that’s running the show. The conscious stuff I can do something about : ) It’s finding and bringing the other stuff to the surface that makes the small steps and occasional huge leaps possible. That and observing what is showing up in my life – a good indicator of what I REALLY believe : )
topaz! Oh yes, the wily old subconscious! It really has a mind of it’s own right? lol….to me, it explains why soooo many people here, who are very intelligent and well meaning – you can tell by their writing….would go after illogical people for them…(boy, have I been illogical! lol…)
And to be fair, some of us had perfectly good mates, but for some reason or another we broke-up, and we need to heal from it….
But some of us let our emotions, conditioning from bad parenting, childhood trauma, all kinds of things rule the show and call all the shots as it pertains to this… ..I didn’t “consciously” go into bad relationships, etc…or I didn’t think I did…and I have had times when I had certain guys give me all the red flags possible….and I’d go into blissful denial about them, as long as they were pushing my buttons in other ways….walking into the dragon’s mouth – by my own free will! Yikes! When I had perfectly nice guys go after me, but I wasn’t “attracted” to them….Geeeez…..
This last one wasn’t that bad…he had a lot of good qualities and he wasn’t as messed up as guys from my past (which isn’t saying all that much, lol) but yeah, I’m a work in progress…We’re on the same page…unless we go digging…and try to re-parent and re-program ourselves and do a lot of deep work on ourselves…we end up doing the same things over and over…and I want to get off that bus…lol….good discussion, thanks!
I’ve been a bit slow in adding to this. Reading through other people’s lists has been a bit like a literary playlist for me. Ahh, the memories! Pain, confusion, devastation, loss of self… :) A lot of those listed above have helped me along the journey in some way. I’m a reader. We live in a remarkable age now. So much information and guidance available to us, no matter where we are.
Firstly, I must say that GPYB is the resource I would give to someone navigating a breakup. The fundamentals of managing yourself through the process: simple things like NC (even in its sneaky manifestations like web snooping), how to handle yourself, your children, steps to take etc., how to move forward. Essential in the toolkit.
I’ve read quite a few of the others listed above too in the past and picked up on other’s suggestions as I’ve read through the blog. I have a few on my to-be-read list. The top one being Sailing Home by Norman Fischer which is waiting at my local bookstore for me to go and collect. However, ones already read that I got things out of:
In the Meantime – Iyanla Vanzant – she’s so no nonsense. Very into keeping your side of the street clean. Read it about three years ago. Love her energy and the dignity and self respect she encourages us all to embody. (Which I think is one of the best things about this site too, BTW.)
Spiritual Divorce – Debbie Ford – good for owning your own stuff. Debbie Ford is big on embracing your shadow. Not that useful if you are dealing with a Bananahead. Only one thing to do there: Protect yourself at all cost. But a good vision to hold for the ending of relationships.
Women Who Run With the Wolves – Clarissa Pinkola Estes – had it for many years, and still keep it close and drop into it every now and then. I understand people not getting it, but over time I have kept coming back to it. When I’ve reached a certain stage or experience in my life, bits that didn’t make sense before are made clear through the stories – or experiences are enriched. Storytelling is so much a part of human experience and how we learn and how we relate to each other. We are all writing our own stories here.
Too Good to Leave/Too Bad to Stay – Mira Kirshenbaum – I mentioned this a few weeks ago. This was so helpful and non judgemental and BALANCED when I was making the decision to leave my husband a few years ago. No right or wrong. Just scenarios, then: given this experience, most people who chose to leave/stay were happy with this decision/regretted this decision. This is an excellent real world book. Very empowering and balanced. Leaves the responsibility with you.
And finally, Susan Anderson’s work – Susan Anderson’s material has been of huge value to me. I wouldn’t have found it if it wasn’t for this site, much good karma to you, Susan (Elliott), for your openness with the other resources in your field. It only strengthens your already bullet-proof credibility.
What her books, Journey from Abandonment to Healing and the Heartbreak to Connection workbook, did for me was enable me to do some serious long term repair work on my core issues. Therapy without the therapist. It helped me get where I was stuck and why. Because I was SOOO stuck. It helped me understand the physiology behind my reactions which I didn’t understand. The analogy of childbirth just came to me. Imagine having no understanding of what was happening to you when you were pregnant and going through labor. You are in this dreadful place you’ve never been before, your body and mind have been taken over, you don’t understand how you got here, what’s happening to you. Women with a knowledge of the process of childbirth apparently labor much better than those with no knowledge. Same thing here. It won’t stop you going through it, but understanding makes it more bearable.
Okay, maybe I was particularly clueless when it came to heartbreak, but I didn’t understand the huge grief I was experiencing, why, why I would startle, was obsessed, constantly searching, I’ll stop now, before I sound like a complete lunatic. But she explained in detail what I was going through and for the first time I felt like what was happening to me was valid rather than just nuts.
Then there was the healing aspect. I have experienced some significant abandonment in my life, which I thought I had dealt with. I revisited a lot of this and finally healed it (I hope) because I got to the core. I went through the workbook so thoroughly that I wrote out passages longhand just to embed them in my psyche. I’ve gained so much from it. It won’t be for everyone, but for me it was life changing. Long term repair of very old stuff has been done and I’m so much better for it.
Long response but I have got so much out of books. Blessed be all who share.
May pop a couple more up later if any come to mind.
Just finished “Finding Your Own North Star” last night. Some parts worked for me, others didn’t. Beck is obviously very smart and has a funny way of writing, but the excessive “navigational” metaphors started to make me queasy after a while, and it’s a longer book than is necessary (I think it was 400 something).
My favorite part is the stuff at the end about working through the four stages, but that took what felt like forever to get to.
Truth be told, I am not much of a self-help junkie. I’ve read some books and done some research but most of the time, I find myself reading this stuff and thinking “you know, I could actually be DOING something other than reading about doing something.” That’s just my opinion though.
The exception for me is GPYP and Susan’s book, which is excellent. This is literally the only self-help seminar I’ve ever attended and the only site of this kind I visit at all. So that’s how much I love it and how loudly it all speaks to me.
Something I like about Beck’s North Star book is her use of the essential vs the social self. For me this was a very important aspect of my personality to sort out, as I was raised 1) to not feel I could have a self (so my essential-self kinds of needs and desires always felt “wrong”, when I could feel them at all) and 2) to be a “good” girl in the repressive, Catholic sense of the term (so my social self was hyperactive and in charge much of the time). Working through that book gave my essential self some breathing room and helped me bring these two parts of me into harmony. It helped a lot with my defense mechanisms work that I’ve done through GPYP. It’s like the conflict between my inner world and my outer persona caused a serious glitch in my filter–so sometimes when a trigger situation occurred that made me feel I needed to protect myself, I would not only overreact (defense mechanism), I sometimes also sometimes said things that surprised even me (filter malfunction). And then I would feel “bad”, guilty (in the extreme) and worried (anxiety problems) because my social self/good girl would kick in. Basically, I’d beat myself up over it. I’m sure psychologists would talk about the Id, Ego and Superego here. Fine. That’s interesting. But the defense mechanisms in GPYP and the essential/social selves in North Star were (are!) more concrete, practical concepts for me to work with.
If any of this sounds like work others need to do, this book might help with that and more. (I got several other good things from the book, but this concept was the most fruitful for me.)