Mail. We Get More Mail on NC (than any other topic)

Hi Susan,

Your GPYP blog website has helped me out tremendously with my
breakup of a 3 1/2 yr relationship. Thank you so much! It has
been 8 months since I ended it because of verbal & emotional
abuse. It was very difficult for me to do as I loved her so
deeply. The pain & grief I experience is still so intense.

I recently purchased your book & anxious to start the
relationship inventory. After writing down most of the
information to the questions, I suddenly became overwhelmed
with so much grief that I had to stop. That was a month ago, I
am just so devastated to continue. I read about recycling in
your book & figured that is what must be happening to me.

On top of this, the Ex keeps trying to make contact, with phone
calling, texting, emailing & stopping by my house. I of course
do not respond. I now have her emails & texts blocked. I
checked my driveway before answering the door last week, it was
her & she parked elsewhere so I would answer the door. My
problem is when I’m in her presence, she is like “kryptonite”
for me. I have let he know by email & mail to not contact, but
she will not leave me alone.

This woman has tried everything to have some sort of contact
with me. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever been
with, has the whole package looks & great shape, family that I
was very attached with. But she is very self-righteous,
controlling & cannot admit any wrongdoing on her part. I’m
having difficulty, this big inner turmoil inside of me telling
me I’m making a huge mistake at my last chance of happiness. I
always thought she was the “one”. In the end I decided it
would be better for me to take what little self esteem &
dignity I had left & end this. But now I have been doubting
myself. She’s putting on the nicey nice personality trying to
woo me back in.

I’m sure you have heard many stories like mine. I am not a
mean person, I can tolerate a lot of BS from someone, so it is
difficult to just shut the door in her face when she’s stops
by. On her last visit, she told me that “I figured you must
not be capable of being friends with a female unless you’re
having sex with them”. She also told me she wished she never
fell in love with me, that was her mistake.

I don’t recall if I ever let her know how abusive she was to
me. Do I need to let her know so she can finally understand
why I don’t want any contact? Or do I tell myself “it doesn’t
matter” & just focus on taking care of myself? This has been
the most difficult experience in my life & sometimes it feels
like I will not survive.

thanks Susan, God Bless.

Thank you for writing. It is next to impossible to do our work when we are still in the midst of contact. If you are overwhelmed by grief then it’s not time yet for the Relationship Inventory or you are not doing ANY self-care. The book says EMPHATICALLY that you MUST balance the work with self-care. If you’re not doing that, it’s impossible. You must get into your self-care routine FIRST and start working on that self-esteem before you do the deeper work.

Second, your ex sounds like a nut. Emotionally and verbally abusive. Perhaps a borderline personality? Any psych history there? Why do you think she’s ANY chance at happiness? She sounds like misery personified. Why would you think you’re making a mistake? It sounds like you’re dodging a HUGE bullet. So long as part of you is in doubt, you’re going to be susceptible to her advances…and she’s someone who sounds like she enjoys toying with people. Grow a backbone and end it once and for all. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up for a lot of misery.

She is ignoring your requests for no-contact so explaining it to her really isn’t going to make a big difference. However, if she shows up at your door, you MUST shut the door in her face or not even open the door. REFUSE to open the door. Say “who is it?” and if she identifies herself say, “Go away.” and then drop it. You’re inside. She’s outside. IF she attempts to get in, call the police.

I know that stuff is hard but this woman appears to be a psycho. Many men do not want to call the police on their ex but, honestly, I would call the police and ask them what you can do. Then if she does show up, the police already know about the situation.

I once had a client that I suggested this to and he didn’t do it and when the ex showed up he went outside and when he went back inside she threw herself at him and when he kept going and shut the door on her, SHE called the police and said HE beat her up. He had to hire a lawyer and go to court and the whole nine yards. She never showed up to court but he had been arrested, had to pay a lawyer and was miserable for a long time.

Do you want that to happen? Call the police and make a record as to what is going on. If you’ve sent her emails or whatever to tell her to leave you alone send copies to the police. Tell them you just want their advice on how to handle it. Let them tell you what to do. Talking to her is NOT the answer.

The whole thing about “you could never be friends…” is manipulation. Who cares what she thinks? Why would anyone in their right mind want to be friends with someone like that? You don’t. What she thinks of you is none of your business.

Now the final thing is that you MUST take responsibility for allowing contact. You MUST stop contact. You cannot talk out of both sides of your mouth and expect anyone to respect that. They won’t and why should they?

You must decide on one unambiguous message and send it NO MATTER WHAT she does. DO NOT RESPOND. If she shows up, do not answer the door. Do not EVER answer the door without asking who it is. Install a peephole…do SOMETHING that will give you the upper hand.

You must act in unison with what you want. If you’re ambiguous she’s going to pounce.

Go NC. Stay NC and get that self-care going!!!!!!

You can do this!!!