What is your “type”?

“If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.” ~ Charles Kettering.

“If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” ~ anonymous

When we are challenged to change our lives we realize we are stuck in patterns, in habits, in doing things the same way over and over again. In GPYP we talk about “comfort zones” and “frames of reference”–where they come from and how we break out of them. Prior to doing it we must WANT to break out of them and make a decision to do so. Often that is where we get stuck…long before we ever get to understanding and doing something about them. We get stuck in the same old ruts simply because it’s what we’ve done.

Ask yourself: is your way turning out to be successful? How about the people you are attracted to — your “type”?

Do you tell people, “Oh he’s not my type.” or “She’s not pretty enough for me.” or “I don’t like people who have those kinds of interests.” when they try to interest you in someone new?

Do you gravitate to the same “type” over and over only to be handed your heart back in shreds?

I’ve heard people denounce a “type” change because the new people seem boring or not attractive enough. It doesn’t mean we have to go from Mr. Unfaithful but Hunky to the Mr. Sweetheart but Ugly Guy. It doesn’t mean as drastic a change as people imagine and envision. It just means considering people slightly different from what we idealize.

I have at least 2 male friends who want drop-dead gorgeous women. First of all, neither of them are drop-dead gorgeous themselves and both have been burned, over and over again, by drop-dead gorgeous women. Do they change their type? No. Will they consider even “very cute” but more emotionally stable? No. Why? Because they’re not his type.

Similarly I have female friends who want the “bad boy” and when I suggest that perhaps a more stable type might do, they think I am trying to relegate them to nerd-dom forever. That is not the case.

In both cases and any other where you’re just not feeling it for someone outside your normal type, you have to break out a bit further and see what happens. If you are cultivating your self-esteem and self-confidence…if you’re learning to OBSERVE as we teach in GPYP instead of jumping pell mell into every situation, you will be armed with a terrific evaluation tool.

Instead of leading with your chin over and over again, learn to give the “type” who is a little bit outside your normal type a bit of a chance and then learn to stand back and evaluate the situation and the person.

As we’ve said over and over again, when you’re going BACK to dating after a big breakup, learn to go slow and date, really date, before making a decision to be in a relationship or get serious. In this dating period, you can experiment and explore the idea of spending people who are not normally your type. You can take things slow and give people just outside the range of your normal type a chance. You may be surprised at what happens.

As long as you are not self-sabotaging (saying that you’re giving others a chance, but really not, getting ready to doom the person and the situation no matter what happens), you may be pleasantly surprised. If not, you may at least be able to learn new things about you, about dating and about how “healthy” you are right now.

When you are comfortable in your own skin it’s easier to allow people to just come in, spend some time and then you accept or reject them for more time.

When you are getting healthy you are not DESPERATE for someone else to like you and you don’t take it personally when someone you don’t even know doesn’t like you.

When you are getting healthy you are better able to move on when someone doesn’t like you rather than try to chase him or her down and try to harass them into liking you (which doesn’t ever work and if it does, something is clearly very wrong with both of you.)

When you’ve done your work you start to evaluate whether or not YOU want to be with someone rather than trying to spend a date impressing this other person (whom you don’t even know) with why THEY want to be WITH you.

You are getting healthy when you first start to ask if YOU like them rather than hoping THEY like you.

But you are getting REALLY healthy when you are asking it of people who are not normally your type and not rejecting them flat out, early on, because they’re not. You’re getting REALLY healthy when you realize your “type” has not really worked out for you up until now and maybe you need to consider other types.

And you’re getting really, really healthy when you can go out with different people without a lot of expectations or thinking something is wrong with you if you hit a patch where you’re simply bored. Try to enjoy dating as much as you can. Take out the expectations. Throw the biological clock out the window. Throw out the expectations of society and family. Relax and try to have a good time. Remember, if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. Expand those comfort zones and let new and better things take shape in your life.