I wrote this post 2 years ago and lately I’m hearing a lot about guilt. I don’t post about guilt as often as I should because it’s such a corrosive emotion. When we act out of guilt, we can do it in a healthy ways (as in make amends for something we did that we didn’t mean to do) or an unhealthy way (staying in a bad relationship because of your missteps).
Guilt is a freezing emotion and if it takes over your life, your emotional cells simply freeze to death. ~ Abigail Trafford
I had issues starting my relationship with my first husband. We had been friends, good friends. I was coming out of a horribly abusive relationship. I was young. I hadn’t been with anyone else.
But he was there and he wanted me. He wanted us to ride off into the sunset together. Our relationship had a bit of a puppy love quality to it. It seemed innocent while my previous relationship had been an unending horror show.
In the beginning I wanted to move past what had happened to me and just settle into the nice rhythm of a good relationship but I could not. I had been tortured and beaten and left for dead on more than one occasion. I had been locked in a closet for 2 days and stabbed another time. I had been choked until I blacked out and left in a deep puddle in the rain. I had been thrown out of a moving car and almost run over by a moving car. All of my possessions had been broken and I had had more black eyes than I can count. Etc Etc Etc.
The scars were deep and raw. I knew nothing about PTSD and so when I had flashbacks or I mistook my current boyfriend for my ex boyfriend and went crazy–screaming and crying and trying to attack him because I was afraid he was going to attack me–I was convinced that I was truly insane and should be grateful that he was putting up with me.
My behavior was erratic and illogical a lot of the time. The early relationship was just a roller coaster of me trying to get out and trying to stay put when I felt crazy.
He would not let go. In my lucid moments, I kept saying I wasn’t ready. I would calmly tell him that I couldn’t do THIS. And I needed to get some help. I needed to do some work. He wouldn’t let go. I broke up with him time and time again. I stopped speaking to him and he would call me and if I didn’t talk he would call back again and again. I had gotten to the point where I would pick up the phone and then put it down on a table and walk away. I could hear him calling to me but I was too tired to answer. I had nothing to say.
I was young, and I was battle weary. I wanted everyone and everything to leave me alone and he wouldn’t. I thought it was because he loved me…because his love was SO STRONG that he just couldn’t let go. I kept feeling inferior because I could not rise to the occasion and love him back. I was a mess most of the time.
I could not get “right” in the relationship and he wouldn’t let it go. I was a mess. Emotionally, mentally and physically.
I was a mess.
I needed time and space and that is the one thing he would not give me. I broke up with him once and started seeing a guy from work. He went crazy. It was a big dramatic scene when he found out and I went back to him rather than see him try to kill the other guy.
We moved in together and the fights continued. We got married and had children and the fights continued. They got worse. He became abusive. He cheated. He lied. He treated me like crap.
And all the while I blamed myself because I was a nut in the beginning of the relationship. All he did and all that he was, could be traced, according to me, to MY behaviors early on.
But it was not just me. He would keep a laundry list of all the things I had ever done and every single argument would trot it out and throw it in my face. Whether it was forgetting something yesterday to a parking ticket last year to bouncing a check 3 years ago to not washing the dishes correctly 5 years ago to being a nut when we first started going out. It was all there, every argument, and it was endless and kept me perpetually frozen in a position of “Oh my goodness, I truly suck. It is so nice of him to put up with me. No wonder why he needs other women. No wonder why he gets abusive. I’m such a loser.”
That guilt. That shame. That guilty shame kept me there for too many years. I became cloying and pitiful. I tried to please him and could not. I tried to “make it work” and I could not. It was my fault. If I hadn’t been such a NUT in the beginning none of this would be happening.
I stayed year after year hoping it would get better, hoping that one day he would forgive me enough to turn BACK into the person he was when he was my friend, when he first became my boyfriend.
He never did and when the marriage ended after a few months of brutal physical fights and him seeing someone else, I was STILL convinced it was ALL my fault. If only I had, If only I hadn’t….this would have been different.
Early on in therapy I told my therapist all of this and sobbed, “I created a monster!!” She said, “You cannot create a monster who does not want to be created.” She said he should have seen how messed up I was in the beginning and let me alone but barring that, not respond by becoming abusive and unfaithful and mean.
Really? I didn’t know that. I had no idea that I hadn’t FORCED him to be all that he was. I had no idea it was NOT MY FAULT what he chose to do with my trauma.
All those years guilt kept me anchored to a bad situation. I felt SORRY for the guy who tried so hard with me in the beginning, not seeing that he should have listened to me and given me my space. I could still see, in my mind’s eye, the image of him crying over losing me when we were younger. Even though he acted as if he could CARE LESS if he lost me now, I could still remember how much he cried way back when.
I could not get over it and I had no idea when I had paid in full for my early behavior. If I had remained I’m sure I would be paying for it today. My guilt had given him a free pass to do exactly what he wanted to do, including abusing me and cheating on me. Combine that with the fact that he is the type of person who will never ever ever take responsibility for what he has done (to this day everything continues to be my fault), then you have the perfect mea culpa storm.
But I had to learn:
Everyone is responsible for his or her own behavior. And no matter what you do, no one has the right to hit you or cheat on you. If they do, get out. For years I bought that it was my fault that he was abusive and cheated. For years I was convinced that if only I had done better (either yesterday or 7 years ago), he would not act so badly.
I had to learn two things. The first was to forgive myself for being a wreck when we first got together and the second was to stop OWNING what he did. He was GREAT at blaming me for everything and I was great at buying that crap. I finally had to see it wasn’t ME. I simply was NOT responsible for what he did: he was. And what he had been doing, for the last several years of our relationship, was very bad and I didn’t deserve it.
It took a LONG time for me to see that I had paid the price for my earlier insanity, that he had a choice early on of leaving and didn’t, that he had no right to cheat on me or abuse me based on what I had done years ago.
Guilt and blame had kept me anchored to a bad situation for a long time. But in the end I had to realize he had choices too. He could have chosen to go when it was obvious that I was unstable but he chose to stay, promising me that his love would heal my scars. Instead, he added to the scars and blamed me for that. The emotional abuse alone was more than I had suffered in the previous relationship.
And it wasn’t right.
And it wasn’t fair.
I needed to get out and stay out. Guilt be damned. I needed to get out and make a life. I started to hum the words from Springsteens “Backstreets” You can blame it all on me, it doesn’t matter to me now.
It didn’t matter what I had done or not done or whose fault it was. What mattered was that I needed to get out and make a life for myself and my children.
And that is what I did.
Getting beyond the guilt was the first stage in stepping into a new life. Guilt is a very corrosive emotion. It’s a freezing emotion and it freezes you into a life you don’t deserve.
Thaw the guilt, forgive yourself, and move on.
I’ve always really appreciated this post. The guilt I felt for pursuing my educational and travel dreams while I was married to my first husband, and then for divorcing him, was a heavy burden that I carried around for so many years. Too many. My subsequent relationships, most of them, were probably ways of punishing myself for what I perceived as selfishness. I dated people who reflected my low self-worth. Some things I did in my first marriage WERE selfish. We were two bananaheads reacting to each other on many levels. But what I was most accused of being selfish about was actually healthy self-development that was too threatening to my first husband. I got out and slowly, gradually, changed my bananahead ways. I got healthier and healthier, even when it didn’t seem like it was happening sometimes. I had to stop apologizing to the universe for being me and being true to me. I don’t think I stopped feeling responsible or guilty for my ex husband’s unhappiness and anger toward me (11 years now and he is still very hostile toward me), until I got real about my mother’s role in my feelings of guilt and shame. Most of the dysfunction in my first marriage was about me playing out my issues with each parent. When I consciously and decisively stepped out of the dance with THEM (approx. 9 months ago, I think), then I began to seriously shed the residual guilt and shame I felt as a wife (first time around) and mother. Nothing I did as a young wife and mother was deserving of the crap I got from my first husband and my parents. I did not create those monsters. :) Until that decision and action, I was doing better and better, but not fully letting it go. It just was not fully sinking in that I did not have to convince those people that I was ok, worthy, or “right”. I was still trying to win that struggle in so many relationships in my life (romantic and non-romantic). I didn’t feel at peace about things or with myself until I stepped out of the dance with my parents. In the last 9 months I have enjoyed increasing peacefulness and a sense of worthiness and confidence that surpass all of the insights and gains I had made up to that point (and there were many of those, too). The thawing of the guilt and shame is an almost tangible sensation. I can’t stress enough to those who are on the cusp of great change after a breakup the importance of doing the relationship and life inventories and all of the journaling and self-reflection that follows. It may take some serious time to see where you need to change direction and a lot of courage to take the necessary steps to move in that direction, but it is so very worth it. Trust the process and enjoy life as much as you can while you are at it. You can still live and love while you are growing and changing. While there are always going to be some highs and lows, real change for me has not been huge and dramatic. It’s been more quiet than I imagined it would be. Sometimes painful, often simply peaceful. Peaceful, I think, because for me a big part of change has been to heal myself of an addiction to emotional drama. I know now that I can be emotionally connected to others (healthy people) without drama. If others bring drama into it, I maintain more distance or disconnect, depending on the person/situation.
I know how much breakups hurt and how very hard they are.
But they are also opportunities to learn, grow, and change. I’m sometimes still astounded by how much positive change I’ve been able to produce in my life using my breakup over 2 years ago as the catalyst. I was in a world of hurt and anger and confusion. I think I say this a lot, but that’s ok: it was pure serendipity to have found Susan, this blog, and the email support group. :-)
I def have blamed myself for feeling like some of my insecurities really kept us from growing, caused problems at times, and also kept us from enjoying certain things to the fullest…some of this may be true, but when he tuned in on some of my insecurities, and then threw them in my face towards the end of the relationship, it was HIM who wasn’t helping mend our relationship and who was only making matters worse when he would purposely make me feel stupid at times towards the end of our relationship…bc…after all…he is the SMARTEST narcissist out there (laughing to myself).
This is so important to know about, and hardly anyone talks about it! Guilt is a huge part of the way my family relates to other family members, guilt and shame – the double whammy! I have a bodybrush that I use to dry-brush before showers – I mentally brush all the guilt/negative comments that happen each day off each time I shower – just to remind me to get rid of it.
I got involved with a toxic guy (who I KNEW was toxic by the way – he had treated me like dirt when I first met him at 19, acting like some kind of faded popstar and treating me like a teenage groupie), then met a Nice Guy who I fell for, moved in with and had a 5 year relationship with. He got more and more into drugs, I got scared and moved out. Over the next two years he continued, until he eventually died of an overdose. I wasn’t able to see it at the time, but he clearly had monsters he didn’t want to face, which eventually found him in the end. At the time to me it was just terrifying. I just knew that if I ever called him on all his addictions he would just laugh, insist he could do his job perfectly with them all (he could 95% of the time while we were together) and made it clear that my opinion on his drug use was none of my business and would not change anything. It never did.
But from that relationship, after moving out I recontacted the first loser. In a state of shock and sorrow, at 24. Looking back that 24 year old needed a good therapist, lots of new hobbies and new things to get inspired about. I jumped back into a previous relationship that had been bad already. Wow really bad move. Fast forward to 7 years later – 7 years of being treated like a sweet but useless moron, clueless and to be eventually cast aside with total contempt. And I bought a house with this loser. What was I thinking.
But I thought I deserved no better. In a way, I blamed myself for the first relationship ending. I did think that the right person for him would have interested him enough to let go of all the drugs. Now I know better but at 24 I just thought I wasn’t good enough or interesting enough. The guilt of not being good enough, then for leaving him, then my huge sadness at his passing, and feeling that maybe i could have saved him if I hadn’t moved out, all compounded into a kind of fog of grief. I couldn’t imagine feeling happy for a few years there. Then the pain and humiliation of my subsequent ex quickly moving into his new thing’s place, before even taking his clothes out of the bedroom. Nice. I chose really well. Hmmm.
It went so spectacularly wrong, and I chose lots of loser guys for brief relationships for years after – so much pain that I finally found this site. Thank god. My life is full of music, friends, stretching, healthy food and laughter now. I am very protective of my privacy and my dreams. I am a bit horrified and how bad things can get if you AREN’T protective of these things! And it gets better and better each day.
TangoLola
Tango,
I am sorry to hear of your troubled relationship history, but look how far you’ve come and all the realizations you’ve had! I think it’s remarkable. Sometimes we need a few losers in our past to make us truly ready for and able to appreciate non-losers. It sounds for sure like the next guy you’re with in a serious way will be of far higher quality.
“I did think that the right person for him would have interested him enough to let go of all the drugs.”
That is exactly the type of thing that people with low self-esteem believe, and I did the same about my ex’s depression (“if he really loved me, he’d take his pills” etc). It really doesn’t work that way as nobody can save another person from their own demons, even if love is involved. It’s a personal battle. Just as I wouldn’t have been ready to face my tumultuous past and clean out the garbabe from my life until I was good and ready, no matter who I was with.
I think it’s so important to be single for a while and really get to know ourselves without the distraction of another person. I am shocked by how many of my friends can’t stand being alone for even a few months and end up jumping into one bad situation after the next. When is the time taken to learn the valuable lessons of life? It makes me sad but I can’t do anything about it.
As for guilt, it debilitated me for much of my life. I felt horrible being “mean” so I’d try instead to be “nice” (read: screw setting boundaries because they made other people feel bad). Not to sound like a callous jerk, but I truly don’t care anymore if people feel bad by me doing things to take care of myself. Like I have one short-term “friend” who is upset that I’ve basically blown her off since she hurled aggression at me for no reason. Before I would have felt really guilty and let her back in my life, thinking I was being a vile person. Now it’s more like “get out and stay out!” as I sigh with relief that this person isn’t able to bring me down any further.
Guilt is an awful thing and I’m glad that it no longer pilots my life. I certainly have moments of feeling a pull toward not taking care of myself in this regard or questioning my decisions but they pass and don’t suck the air out of my day.
I have this site to thank in large part for that.
Thanks movingon11, I know that I have never felt this cosy in my life, and I’m single at the moment! There are lots of cups of tea lying on the lounge watching DVDs, lots of long chats with close friends, there is lots of joy and laughter in my life. I realise now that I have never HAD a real, honest, healthy relationship. But that’s kind of a good thing because it means there’s really no reason to lose sleep over any of my previous break-ups as they weren’t the kind of love that i want now. I have sincere, honest, funny, caring relationships with lots of people now, and I want my romantic relationship to have all that AND the physical connection, so I think it will be good. I am looking forward to it, and in no mood to go and find it. I spent LOTS of time out at things and met lots of losers preying on females with shaky self-esteem, now I just do the things I want to do, if someone finds me good for them, I’m not out there actively looking.
Still having major issues setting boundaries with family members, they are so used to me being the “good” sister, yet I’ve finally reached the end of my patience with my nasty sister. Last two times we have met have involved her walking out after I refused to put up with her verbal abuse and scorn. I am so insulted that if I actually DO call her on things (most times I just fume and let it go for a few weeks, until I am forced to keep in contact as she doesn’t really talk to anyone else in my family and they worry so much), she knows exactly what I am talking about – and walks out. Like telling me ‘I know, and I thought I could just keep getting away with it, how DARE you call me on what’s actually happening here’. And then wants to come along to some fun things I am involved with, and prying into whether I am seeing anyone or not. I can’t mix the scorn and the interest in my life AS IT WOULD BENEFIT HER – I’m left just feeling totally used. Distance at this point is the only option. I don’t think she has any intention of changing.
I can’t change her, but I can build a life that isn’t waiting for her approval or respect – between her and my mother’s emotional manipulation I have been kind of numbed out for a long time. I learned to go numb about it and just kind of smile a long time ago. So much so that my sister actually teases me about being a kind of Pollyanna personality, always laughing things off. But the reality is that if I DIDN’T have a bit of faith in people’s fundamental goodness – I would have stopped talking to her years ago. She doesn’t know that.
I don’t know why it bothers me so much, I really don’t. She has no real friends, is furious and unhappy with her life. Why would I CARE about her opinions. But I don’t have to put up with the treatment. Sorry to vent but I’m still working this stuff out.
TangoLola
Tango,
Let’s focus on the good here — the last two times you saw her, you took a stand and set boundaries and she walked out in a huff. You also recognize that you can’t change her (which, sadly, is 100% true) and that distance is your best bet.
These are both strong signs of taking care of yourself and evolving. Sure you may feel like crap about it, as it’s your sister and you don’t want to HAVE to set boundaries with family. But in your case, you simply do.
I think since it’s fairly recent that you are fending for yourself in this capacity with her, the emotions may still be raw. After a while of protecting yourself and not giving in to her BS, it will get easier. Right now your heart is simply trying to catch up with your head. It will.
Thanks, I’ve put most of the other boundaries in place, but my mother and sister are the last on my list, and the biggest. I KNOW if I mentioned this to my mother there would be so many phone calls, guilt trips, emails, visits … all really designed to keep a panic happening and take the focus off the madness that is happening in our family.
My sister throws tantrums (last one over her birthday present being too EXPENSIVE – huge tantrum, whole family in terror, felt guilty, it was complete madness, thank god I wasn’t there), Christmas was an absolute nightmare as she had attack over not hearing a plan to go out and visit a place together, vicious verbal stuff to me. And when I called her on it she broke down and yelled alternatively. She needs help but I can’t do it FOR her. I emailed her the name of a therapist, I think she is furious at a lot of stuff in her life and is taking it out on her family. Meanwhile my mother does nothing (on Prozac herself for years and doing nothing to look at why) but explain to me that I’m the only one who can really help her, that they can’t do anything as her parents. Hmmm.
I can’t deal with it anymore. But I can draw a line. As you say. It’s pretty new so it does feel weird but I told her as she walked out that I would be ashamed to talk to my sister like that, she just kept walking. In other words “I’ll treat you how I want, and because the whole family is so worried about me, you have to track me down and put up with my crap”. It’s because I’m the only one who lives in the same city and she doesn’t keep in contact with the others. Thanks again for the comment, still thinking it through.
TangoLola
TangoLola,
I worked with a therapist once about being a “parentified child” because of some similar dynamics in my family. It’s very hard to step out of a role like that, the script is so familiar. But I’ve been learning that it’s possible to get out of the dance and so much better on the outside of the craziness. Sometimes detachment is absolutely the right thing to do. I admire your hard work and your ability to feel things and still keep a positive outlook and your sense of humor.
Thanks Kathy for the kind words, it’s HARD! But I’ve talked it over with a close friend here and she thinks I did nothing more than what should have been done 20 years ago, it’s just a big shock to my sister that I’m finally asking her to lift her game. But when it comes down to it, what I know deep down is that if she had any intention of doing so … she would have done so long ago. She knows exactly how she treats me, she’s well aware of it, and has no plans of changing anytime soon. But that’s her stuff. I can’t change it, but I can remove myself from it.
In the meantime … just had fabulous Thai massage, bought wonderful matcha Japanese green tea (like green tea on steroids, so powerful and good for you), dancing salsa last night with friends, friends also playing in the band. Playing in lots of different groups with all kinds of musicians, life is good. And I like my job and love my place. I have to get cosy and centred while I set down some boundaries and put some standards in place – otherwise I will be treated like this for the rest of my life. No. Game over. She doesn’t realise it yet but it is game over.
TangoLola
This post makes a lot of sense, I felt VERY guilty over my divorce and without taking the time to process the grief and guilt, I immediately jumped in with my ex-bananahead. I was overly nice, a complete doormat actually, to prove to everyone, but especially myself that I was a “good person” because on the inside I felt like such a bad person. I still have moments of guilt about the divorce and it’s been two years, especially after this latest breakup, I felt like I deserved to get left because I had put bad karma out there by leaving my husband. But now with a lot of reflection, I realize I was totally right in leaving that relationship, as he was an addict, and wouldn’t change. My mistake was in not taking the time to process the grief and guilt on my own. Why does it seem harder to forgive yourself then it does other people?
I think because we tend to expect too much of ourselves and not enough of others.
I’ve had two majorly dysfunctional relationships. One was in 2001 and the other my most recent breakup.
The guilt I’ve felt in both situations has been immense, as though I had no self worth to realise how both were SO wrong. Especially that I should have had some more insight into why the latest relationship was so bad for me, because of what happened in 2001.
So 2001 relationship – the guy was planning on cheating with me with our houseguest, he said “wouldnt it be funny if I spiked you with acid (LCD)” and I had to stop him from killing himself. When I left, man oh man, I was riddled with “I coulda helped him!” total codependent thing to say. Took almost a year to get over, but I’m thinking that was partly due to the mind games played out on me.
Now the most recent one is eating me up still, despite some very good therapy and my therapist telling me there was definite mental abuse going on and even sadistic qualities to my ex. Why can’t I process that in and realise, why do I feel guilt about leaving him and why do I feel theres no other place a guy could fill his shoes?
I know everything heals in time but I feel on the scrapheap some days and wishing for an alternative life where we worked things out and the sun is shining (delusional I know!!)
so over a year ago i logged into this site and one of my comments got cycled back into one of susan’s posts. it’s been over a year since i’ve spoken to him, and *it feels so good.* i finally have been able to let myself seriously open up to another person, and it truly was the no contact that did it for me.
it took this site to convince me that all of the crap about wanting to hang on to a friendship sort of relationship with an ex is just socialized drivel that we feed ourselves, probably out of some existential feeling of needing to be “missed” or “noticed” by someone–even if it’s in the self-flagellating form of being halfway noticed by the ex ho has deliberately chosen not to notice us–in the way that we need to be noticed–anymore.
just wanted to say thank you.