GPYP is about self-responsibility and keeping your side of the street clean. It’s about spending your time working on YOU and putting the focus on you. It’s not about game playing or one-upmanship. And No-Contact is no contact. If you follow an ex to an internet forum, especially this one, you are being disrespectful to your ex and disrespectful to the forum.
If you’re posting passive-aggressive messages with enough identifying information for your ex to know it’s you, it’s not fair. Stop it.
If you’re doing it here, I want you to know that is against everything we teach here. Please don’t. I’ve had more than one complaint about more than one ex doing this and it really bugs me. I don’t want to police this site and I want everyone to be able to be here, but please DO NOT play games here because I will bounce you.
Think of why you’re here and why you need t be here. And dear readers, FOR GOODNESS SAKES, stop sharing about this site with your ex’s. Zip it. :) If your ex followed you here, you do have to take some responsibility for letting him or her know where you’re hanging out. So don’t do that.
This is about working on you and keeping your side of the street clean. I also encourage the people who know their ex’s followed them here to IGNORE them and post your stuff anyway. But DO NOT use this forum to send them any messages either. It’s not good for you. I really don’t like people doing stuff like has been described to me, but I’m not going to police the world.
I know that if a passive-aggressive manipulative ex has come here to tweak you, it’s really tough. But try to ignore them and be here for you. And let us know that you are okay. I know of at least 2 people who do not post here any more because of this and it’s not okay. If your ex was here first, please consider sharing your feelings on another forum. We’re not the only one.
BUT if you want to stay, please consider changing your name and do not put identifying information in your posts so that your ex knows it’s you. If your ex can pick out your post and tell it’s you, that’s a game. If you’re honestly here to get healthy and work on your stuff and get past your breakup, then please do not post enough that your ex can tell it’s you.
And to everyone here: let’s not focus on the ex, whether they are here or not. This place is about getting healthy…take your games elsewhere. If you’re not playing games then please consider the harm you are doing to someone who came here first. I don’t want to referee and take sides but I want everyone to really think about their behavior and behave accordingly. You can both co-exist here and share your feelings without letting the other know it’s you. But if you’re easily identified, PLEASE reconsider that. Change your name and don’t post enough to be identified (we broke up last Tuesday in front of McDonald’s in Milford Massachusetts is obvious but also things like “her aunt was very sick and we had to travel to see her” and things like that. You can make things less obvious and everyone wins.
Thank you.
I’ve never posted here before. I’ve been reading the better part of two years. It’s time to come out of the shadows, if for no other reason than to say thank you for all that you do.
Based on the name of this topic alone, I decided to post here.
This evening I was -literally- keeping my side of the street clean by doing some yard work. And as I have said on previous posts, my ex lives directly across the street from me at his mom’s house.
Anyway, as I getting ready to dump the grass from the mower bag, I glance up and who do I see? The ex with his…(I want to curse here, but I won’t) new, dang, I just can’t say it, you know.
Do you remember that episode of “Allie McBeal”, you know, the one when she looks up and all of the sudden an arrow slams into her chest? Well, I liken what happened to me at that moment when I saw them to that. Or maybe to having my face shoved into a brick wall at warp speed.
So I am trying like hell to maintain whatever bit of composure and tact that I can possibly muster. See, I asked him and his mother to let me know when what miss-what’s-her-deal was coming again from out of the country to visit mr dumba**. Being the lovely inconsiderate and disrespect type he/they are, I had NO warning.
Blindsided? Yes. Destroyed once again? Yes. Almost couldn’t breathe? Yes. Broke the NC rule and confronted their sick, twisted, ugly selfs? ***N O!!!!!!***
It took every bit of everything that I have learned and earned and practiced and sought to get better to get through that experience.
I finished the yardwork, put the tools away and came inside and called my daughter. I asked her if it would be okay if I came over or if we could go out somewhere. The beautiful and sweet girl that she is okayed it with the hubby and I had an out.
This is going to be one he** of a long weekend. The she-devil will be sleeping with my ex across the street from me and I will undoubtedly see them again while she is here.
Please guys, pray for me, send me strength and hope and good vibes. I need them desperately.
For now I am going to keep up the good self-talk… I am worthy. I am beautiful. I am precious. I am smart.
Thanks for hearing me out.
msdoubleddae,
Stay busy this weekend tending to your life and doing good things for yourself. (You literally have to keep your side of the street clean, eh?) I recommend never asking them again for anything (the ex and his mom), much less to warn you of a pending visit by the new person in his life. It seems that puts you at their mercy, where I’m sure you don’t want to be. Who cares what they are doing over there? Not you! Not anymore. If it continues to be painful to live across the street, what about moving?
For now, spend your brain energy thinking about you and what you want and need (separate from anything that has to do with him/them). Remove yourself from the drama, step out of the dance, just focus on you and your own life. Be extra good to you this weekend. You can do this!
KW
Thank you for your kind response, although I have to admit I started to read it, then stopped and started crying and then went back to reading it.
Yea, the hardest part of the whole thing yesterday was watching then walk down the street together and then hold hands.
What a cruel mf he is! It is just inconceivable for me to understand how totally and completely selfish, disrespectful and inconsiderate he/they are. And that I really still thought that his mom was a sweet, nice person. That is REALLY hard. She was good to me for the four years that we were together. However, I have realised in the past 3+ months since I found out that he cheated on me that she is very dysfunctional and co-dependent. Afterall, allowing your 31 year old son to come back and live in your house, rent-bills free, and then to bring the cheating mate in to visit, while the broken ex is living across the street… well, it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure that one out, huh?
Unfortunately I have made no solid plans for the weekend except a baseball game on Monday. I guess that I will have to really think about what I can do to either get out of here or do something to keep my mind off of the disaster a stones throw away. I thought about possibly going to an Al-Anon meeting… just because of my relationship co-dependency, not of anything directly alcohol/drug related.
Thinking about it… this weekend is suppose to be about Independence. This is my chance to be truly INDEPENDENT. From him, his mom, his brother, everything that has anything to do with the whole dysfunctional lot of them.
Thanks again KW and warm fuzzies to you!
sorry… “watch THEM…”
I don’t know where I would be without this site. Before I found this forum, I posted somewhere else. My ex would harass me about my postings. He would also post comments on my Meetup profiles. It was a passive-aggressive way of intimidating me, and it worked. I quit posting for a long time, until I found this site. I feel safe here. I learn here. I share here.
I’ve been on the recipient of the actions Susan is talking about and it is a terrible feeling. I’m lucky because it appears that my ex has moved on. My heart goes out to those that are dealing with this.
Thank Susan for this site and your incredible wisdom!
Formerly kimd
OMG I did not think about that when I first posted the email he sent me. But I really wanted some feedback. He does know I post here and have at times shared some info with him. CoCoa is a family given nickname and everyone knows me by that so I really can’t hide. I will be mindful of this going forward.
Thanks for the reminder Susan!!!! You are the BOMB!!!!
Smooches,
CoCoa45
Your ex had the personal insight of a fire hydrant. Those types never show up here. And if he wants to come at me with his twisted logic, all I can say is bring it on bud. :)
Susan….I am cracking the Heck UP!!!!!! I swear I am taking you with me the next time I have to negotiate ANYTHING!!!! :-)
susan:
good post…i like this one because it forces us to hold up a mirror…too many people when dumped can engage in either too much self blame or other blame…either we’re a loser or they are…yet many relationships are not so cut and dry with a hero and a villain…despite the reports that many of us give on here about what went wrong, I’d love it if our exes could saddle up here too and present THEIR perspective…i’m sure it’d be a shock for many.
In the end IMO real success, closure and being able to move on comes down to taking responsibility for our own happiness, being accountable for what we did and didn’t contribute (ie, while my ex made mistakes so too did I) and trying to be more open hearted (so not being bitter, cynical or closed off), more courageous in knowing what we both need and want in a relationship alongside our sense of boundaries and sticking to them ….lastly being overall more self aware of our own baggage/issues and beliefs, values and expectations too (but this I realize can also be an ongoing process as each relationship can open up things to work on and explore, too)… I’ve been single 9 months and do NOT want a relationship right now…wish I instead to have more friends and keep on looking inward to resolve some issues** while trying new activities/connections outwardly.
**that Grief Recovery Institutute is a great read, thanks for suggestion.
My gut says this ‘time out’ is the right thing to do right now.