We have a lot of new readers. Please feel free to introduce yourself, talk about your breakup in this thread. If you’re a long-timer please feel free to share with the new folks! I’m sure that people fresh off a breakup want to know it gets better!
Use this thread to introduce yourself, talk about your breakup, talk about struggles or re-introduce yourself (if you’ve been here a long time). And let’s welcome each other. That’s what we’re here for! Let everyone know if you’re new or you’ve been here or you’re back or what…let’s get to know each other.
(and you long-timers who now only email me know who you are…roll out that welcome mat!!!) :)
Hi!
I have commented a few times here and shared my story. I have been reading for over 2 months and this site has been my best friend ever since.
Have not really been good with full NC. I still checked his facebook profile of any nasty status updates about me which he did several times.
I hope this time I will keep myself from getting hurt by looking at his page but there really is a drive, a want and I think that is sick. I suppose I am sick.
Good luck to all of us!
Hi, I was previously Lisa Lisa.
10 months out of a 10 year relationship and am only just starting to feel better. It’s been a long, painful, exhausting road, but I am stronger and wiser than before, that’s for sure. NC was the best way to go. I didn’t want it, but see I needed it, and how I would still be stuck if I didn’t commit to it. Ex still wants to be friends, catch up, and wonders why I haven’t made contact, why I don’t want to see him…hello? You left. You wouldn’t give us a real chance. You chose this path. I hit rock bottom but now I’m rising and fighting baby!
Getting stronger now, slowly, day by day. The support from this website has been fantastic.
Welcome everyone. If you are here because of a break up, I know how you feel. I didn’t think I would make it through…but here I am!
Hello!!! I too have just been a reader of the blog, it has helped so very much in my travel thru the breakup . I finally got out and on my own….. I know in my heart I truely loved this man but after reading about being co-depandant, I know now Im a raging co-dependant…I knew he had issues (saw redflags) bt i loved him anyway, I thought well I’m strong enough to love him thru and my place is a safe place to fall. WRONG WRONG .
I have been away from him for 2months ..NC too..I was driving by “our” house the other day and OMG he already moved someone new in…it hit me like a ton of bricks!!!!!!
I guess my first feeling was this poor girl just doesnt know what shes gettin into, its all new when the newness wheres off and she needs support or him to be the man..shes gonna have a rude awakining, 2nd I thought how can he just replace me like that , the house we picked out together the rooms my kids had etc etc…..And I know it DOESNT MATTER , but at that moment it did, and really it has bothered me for the past couple days … I just want to go to him and shake him and ask him if he really realizes what hes doin theres no way hes ready (me being codependant)….
Then I thought well maybe shes “it” for him..I keep goin back to Susan when she met Micheal..then the sadness of me being not his “it” consumed me…
I’m thankful for this blog!!!! I have had so many revelations into my self from reading here things I knew about me but wasnt sure now i know and cant wait to see the changes ..
Thanks Susan my Prayers to you and Your family, and to all who post here as well keep up the great work !!!!!
Hi everyone! I’ve been reading for about a month now. I was lucky enough to find this site shortly after my breakup. I’ve purchased Susan’s book and I have to say that it’s truly a lifesaver. My ex and I broke up mid-May. He was my first love. We’re both 23 years old. We were together for 3.5 years. 2 years living together, one year (currently) LD. I went NC immediately after the breakup, so I’ve been NC for 46 days now. He has texted me a few times, but I’ve failed to reply.
The reasons why we broke up were complicated. We had many problems in our relationship that were caused by our own individual issues. The triggering event that began the build up to our breakup was the divorce of his parents. They had been married for 40 years and just decided to divorce last year. This caused my ex a lot of grief and I was there to help him through it. He didn’t think it would affect him that much, but it really did. He started to change his ideas of what a relationship should be like and he started to change what he wanted in life. Before, he wanted a happy family and to be able to spend time with his family. After the divorce, he said he wanted a job, where he would be away from his family half the year.
Naturally, this put a lot of strain on our relationship. The straw that broke the camel’s back, however, was the fact that he joined a cult. After he joined the “religion”, he would go straight to this woman’s house every day after work. He spent all his time chanting in her house and going to the religious meetings. The woman that brought him into the religion was teaching him that if he chants, anything and everything he wants will come to him. To make matters worse, she claimed to be a “healer” and she had been doing readings for my ex, who believed she could “sense things” and “see the future”. She kept poisoning his mind and telling him that I was not right for him. She told him to stay away from his friends, because they are negative people and they will bring him down. He thought the woman was amazing and he has been calling her his “second mother”.
Over the last few months of our relationship, my ex had stopped being there for me. I would call him and he would always be busy. Then, something terrible happened and I called him for support. I called him all night, but he didn’t respond. It turned out he was at that woman’s house and didn’t bother to return my calls. So, I couldn’t stand it anymore and I asked him to come see me, so we could end it.
He told me that he doesn’t think I’m right for him anymore. He says I’m not his ideal girl, because his ideal girl would be able to lift him up and make him a better person and our relationship just doesn’t do that for him. He wants to go find his ideal girl. He says that he also doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now, because he needs to work on himself. He says our relationship is unhealthy, because it keeps him too complacent. His life is crap, but he doesn’t feel like crap, because he’s with me, so he won’t be motivated to change. He says that unless he breaks up with me, he won’t be able to pull himself up.
After all of this discussion, we spent the next few days just being with each other. We kissed each other, hugged each other, told each other we loved each other, and held each other while we slept. He wanted to stay longer,but I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I asked him to leave. He started crying, when he left, while I held my composure. Since then, I’ve had my ups and downs, but I know I’m over my ex. I’m just not over my relationship and the fact that it ended the way that it did.
Susan’s book made me realize that he and I both had issues we needed to work out before we could be in a happy, healthy relationship. I also realized that I was just hanging on out of insecurity. The relationship that I had with my ex was not the relationship I wanted to have for the rest of my life. Those realizations alone have helped me moved on faster, than I could’ve on my own, so thanks Susan!
Hi everyone
I’m a long timer sort of. I’ve been here just over a year.
Welcome to all the new posters! You will find so much help here. If it were not for this site and all the wisdom and experience that Susan and others posts provide I dont know where I’d be.
My last relationship ended in March of last year. I found this site in June after I found my ex had a new girlfriend within weeks of our break up. I had no idea that it would throw me like it did but I have to say I’m glad it did. Yes, I’m actually glad the break up happened and I freaked. Not just because I realize now that my ex wasnt who I thought he was but because I have learned so much about who I am and how I am able to be who I am today. It’s been a year of tears and journaling and affirmations and self discovery. I spent a year thinking that I could somehow skate the borders of NC – not fully commit – but within just the last few months I realize it’s complete NC or it’s not ever going to be right. I used to think I could look at his website once in a while or talk with his kids occassionally but everytime I did that – it triggered pain. I know there are no short cuts for NC. Not a one. Some stuff you are just better off not knowing.
Unfortunately there are no magic answers, no way to get around the pain of the break up. YOu just have to go through it. Cry when you need to – cry a lot even. You will come to a time when you welcome the tears – they feel good. Tears are a release of energy – that break up energy – release them. Let it go.
When you have questions about why they did this or that – ask yourself questions instead – why did I do this or allow that. Look at your behaviors and look at your past- what is in your path that needs to be looked at? Mom, Dad, Abusers, Losers? Then go there. Do the work now…you will have to eventually if you want things to be different so just get it done.
You will find many struggles that you have in common with others going through break ups including feeling rejected, obsessing about them, wondering why, not wanting to date, waiting for them to call, wondering why they didnt, not wanting to do anything, not having your heart match your head, cycling and recycling over and over – even when you think you are past it – it comes back again. If you think it’s wierd, it’s probably not, come here and post – you will find empathetic ears. I promise you – you will love that about this site.
Soon you start to get familiar with the roller coast ride and then the blows and the questions do not sting like they used to. It still hurts sometimes but it doesnt take you out for long – you rebound from it pretty quickly – as long as you have done the work and recognize what’s going on you bounce back each time a little stronger and more confident that you are going to be ok. Because you are.
When you reach that acceptance stage – it’s a whole different world. Hopefully better because you have done the work and made changes – but maybe not at first. You will likely not recognize or even like very much your new world at first. I know I didnt, sometimes I still dont, but when I compare where I am now to where I was with the ex, well I will take this new world in a heart beat. I have freedom here – freedom to be me and become more me than I ever was before. Because now I know what I didnt know then. Now I know – there is freedom in that -knowing that I run my world now, I have the tools, I can do this. It’s scary but it’s liberating and damned exciting at times!
As Susan and everyone says here…take care of you. In every way you can imagine, you are your priority. You have to force it at first but it gets easier. Pretty soon you will like yourself so much that breaking NC is not even an option- because you know what you need. Again, some stuff you are just better off not knowing.
So everyone, let the tears flow, dont skimp on the work including journals, inventories, support groups, therapies…whatever you need jsut do it. If you feel like you cant, just try. It’s all baby steps…you will get there. Dont think you cant -YOU CAN!!
Take it from me…I’ve been there and I”m better for it!
After seeing this site, I have gone no contact for several weeks now. It is hard to not go looking at Facebook pages, wonder what she is doing, going through the what if’s, I am getting better.
I know what I need to do is to stop thinking about her, but when it hurts, all I can do is think about her. Trying to remove her from my thoughts is difficult.
I am filling my days with doing new things, looked up some support groups, getting involved in some other interests as well, playing the piano for the first time in twenty years and enjoying it, joined a couple of community groups.
It is a strange place, I feel a bit alone in the world now. I know this is just a transition, and I know I will have my up and down days.
This is just a wonderful site.
Hi there…
I am writing on behalf of my 70-year-old Mom who has just experienced a 2nd devastating breakup in her life. The first was my own father (after 24 years left for another woman) and now her long-term 22-year boyfriend decided he was going back to his ex wife. Talking about shock!! Oddly enough, when her now “ex” called ME (her daughter!) prior to telling HER of his intentions asking me when the best time to “let her go” was (PUKE!). He expected ME to “lay the path for him” and “contain” this info. until he himself could “muster up the courage” to ditch her. I was extremely upset…crying hysterically on her behalf, etc… and totally not comfortable holding this knowledge in me and called my Mom in tears asking her to call him as “he has something to tell you.”
At first, Mom was totally NUMB – no tears, no nothing – and I was very concerned with her reaction. She was angry, but seemed to just want to put the pieces of the puzzle together more like Sherlock Holmes! I couldn’t understand this, but couldn’t coerce her into “feeling” the pain and grieving.
Well, not the “loss” portion has hit full-force, so after doing a lot of research for her online, I found your book, bought it for her and got it to her asap. It is phenomenal, and she is glued to it, I am happy to say!
Needless to say, she is struggling a great deal with self-esteem issues and yearning for “answers,” which I have tried to remind her over and over will not “help” her to move on and turn the page.
One dilemna that she is struggling with is “common acquaintances/friends” of this ex-boyfriend. She still wants to keep those common friends (who mind you have regular contact with the ex), and go to the same places that they used to go, etc…maintaining that “they’re nice and I really enjoy their company. They’re helping me with my social skills.” I try to gently remind her that those people are essentially “life lines” to the ex and constant reminders of him as the do run into him quite a bit. I do not think their presence in her life will help her to “purge” this man from her system – rather keep him current. Inevitably, she can “milk them” for tidbits of information about him should she like – and she admits, that she does at times as it helps her to “sort through the puzzle.” (a NO NO!!)
I would greatly appreciate your insight on this – in terms of contact with mutual acquaintances/friends, such as breakfasts at the pancake house, inviting his friend to dinner, etc…. Maybe I am off base and this is ok, but I still struggle to see this as a healthy endeavor to move on, especially now that the grief is finally hitting her.
I want to help her through this in any way possible….
And hope that I can show her how to be more proficient on the Internet herself and join your blog!
Please help! And THANK YOU for your support!
It must be really tough to think of having no one. I can see why she wants to see them. Are there any boundaries in place such as don’t talk about him and don’t go to anything that he’s not at? If there are boundaries and the mutual friends “get it” then I get it…as I’ve been there. I had an on again off again relationship with a guy where we share a HUGE group of mutual friends (how I met him in the first place) and we had to sorta plan accordingly and they knew we each didn’t want to hear about the other. It worked. Always issues with that sort of thing but it can work with proper boundaries.
But if they’re truly HIS friends and she’s just holding onto them as a lifeline to him then I say nuh-uh. .. gotta let them go.
Hi there, Susan…
Thank you for your response. I think it is very difficult for Mom NOT to “probe” a bit to learn about what’s going on in her ex’s life. I suppose this is only natural, and I suppose this is why I suggest she stay away from these folks! I don’t know if either Mom or those people have those boundaries, but I truly doubt it.
I suppose SHE is the only one who can honestly assess these relationships as being lifelines. However, as we know, the mind is a powerful thing and can certainly trick us into believing that things are not the way they are but rather convince us otherwise. Again, I guess that’s my own philosophy: Why expose yourself to the temptation in the first place?!
Mom has no network of friends…and I think this is precisely the problem. I am encouraging her in every way I can to reach out…to join groups (book reading, classical music, opera, etc…) but she has always been a “loner,” content at home listening to her opera and sewing and/or reading a book. Any novel ideas/suggestions that you may have of groups for a 69-year-old lady would be wonderful! She subsitute teaches during the year which keeps her busy, but the summers are very difficult – now at least, without the “ex.”
She is POURING through your book, however, I am happy to say! And your points are really hitting home!
I discussed it more with her this am as being a “job” in itself – meaning recovering from the pain and hurt of his departure.
Thanks again, Susan….
Hi all,
I’ve been broken up from my ex for about a year and a half, and I think I found this site a month or two after the break up. When I came here, I was an utter, absolute mess. I’d just gotten out of a really bad, abusive relationship with a man I was convinced was the big love of my life (unbelievable really).
It has taken time and a lot of work. I think the process I went through after the break up was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I was in counselling for a year, I posted here, journaled, read a stack of books, talked and talked with friends, etc. etc. I resolved that I was going to finally work through the issues from my past that had driven me to get in to such a messy situation in the first place, because I never wanted to be in a situation like that again.
I am happy to say that I feel like I’ve done the bulk of the work I needed to do. I feel happier and more at peace now with my life than I ever have. I have changed a lot compared to the person I was two years ago. In some ways I feel like I have become myself for the first time in my life.
I guess the biggest advice I would have is to keep working at it, and be patient. I know when I was going through post-break up hell, it felt like I would be alone and sad forever. There were days were it seemed like the process was never-ending. But now at the end, looking back, really it hasn’t been that long at all. Sure didn’t feel like it at the time though. Also, be patient with yourself, learning new behaviors and getting healthy is a very 2 steps forward, 1 back process. And finally, read Susan’s book (she is a very, very wise woman, and funny to boot!), and use this board. There are some great people here with good advice.
Good luck all! It gets better, I promise, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
I just wanted to thank Susan for this thread, and the posters here. I’m relatively new to this site too…and I guess I had been doing pretty well, for having just broken up with a guy that I had been with for 8 years (he broke up w/ me I should say, and boy, rejection is powerful stuff….one thing though, just once in my life, I’d like to be the dumper than the dumpee!!! lol….I got something from everybody here, but Phoenix Rising and Green Girl particularly…My break-up is only a few months old, …so I know that this is the worst part of it…Oddly, after doing all my tools…this last month or so was really pretty good…but then these last few days I’ve been “recycling” I guess…yesterday and today are the worst I’ve felt since the very beginning…
You see I’ve had to pay back a loan to my ex, and I stupidly (in denial-edly?) didn’t figure out that if I wanted to know if he had received the mail payment, I could of just registered the mail…instead, I asked that he email me to let me know if he received it (already posted this on another thread, sorry for the redundancy) so of course…I’ve been looking at my email box like some crazy woman…even though I know I will only find some short, polite email saying he’s received the payment…Actually, he’s doing me a solid for this…he could be a real bsterd…and string me on, or want to be friends..etc…but he knows I’m hurting, so he’s backing off when I told him I couldn’t be friends…so what am I expecting?
But I have been re-reading Susan’s book on the grief chapter…that you can think youre doing okay, even great…when WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! You get stuck in the icky mud again…w/ me, things are triggered because I had contact of my own doing…nothing hurts like expecting to hear from HIM…the subconscious, I guess…is like a little kid that won’t hear reason…here I was doing so well…and well for me means I don’t feel like I have to be hospitalized, and I can function relatively well, lol….so hear I sit, reading and re-reading chapters in Susan’s book…and listening to my meditation tapes…if it’s okay I’ll list some of the things I listen to, if it’s okay…and my hypnosis tapes…it’s going to be TAKING CARE OF ME all day today…self indulgent maybe…but sometimes you have to be…
And it’s really good to hear some other people and how they had the pits…and now they are breathing fresh air…that it’s a process…not a straight line like Susan says…we can feel peachy for awhile, then back to do-do…till we finally feel better again, and finally detach…
I remember a prior break-up with a severely narcissistic man, where I was really a sickie co-dependent…I now know I really didn’t grieve that one, I just obsessed all the way through…so that’s why it took me sooo much longer to get through it…and I knew that I finally got passed it when I saw this movie…Beyond Rangoon…it was about a woman who was able to get passed the murder of her family, by helping people in Rangoon…it was really weird, but after seeing that movie, I was free of that relationship…Right now, I’m mostly watching movies about empowered women, or big world issues, or animals….no cutesie love stories for right now, lol…..
well, I’m going to get passed this relationship as well….it’ll take more time, and more work on my part, and probalby more hell holes like the one I’m in now…but helping myself, and reading your posts, and books like the wonderful GPYB…I’ll do this too, and get passed it….thanks so much to all of you!
Hi everyone,
This is my first time to this site. I came across it as i searched the internet for advice on getting over a breakup. I can’t believe I did not see this sooner! A brief history..I dated this guy for six months. We spent almost everyday together. I helped him with his two boys, dinner, laundry, cleaning i basically stepped into his life when he needed me the most. I loved the fact that I felt needed and most of all i was part of a family. I can not have children of my own for medical reasons. He told me he loved me after the first few weeks and I too chose to ignore that flag. Our relationship was pretty good while it lasted.. it was the break up that was horrible. He decided to dump me before the summer so he could have plenty of time to date. I discovered he searched myspace and started talking to a girl he knew in highschool 15 years ago before we broke up. Basically he secured himself knowning this girl had just recently broke up with her bf to take the chance to dump me and take his chance on a women he has always thought about. He has been married twice and I helped him wrap up his second divorce. I know that was a red flag! He would say to me that I was a wonderful person and he was soo happy to have me in his life. When we broke up he told me he acted the part thinking he would truely love me but he couldnt. He wanted more but couldnt let me go because his boys were attached to me. I too was thinking I wonder if he will miss me when his boys are back for the school year and he is struggling to find enough time to get everything done as a single father. Now I understand it doesnt matter! I still hurt because it hasnt even been a month since our breakup and two weeks later he was already dating this girl. I have had plenty of time to think this situation over and over and have noticed he was not really healthy for me. He consumed my time, my energy..I gave him everything I could including my heart and soul. He on the other hand had me on a emotinal rollercoaster pulling away then appologizing, started putting me down on personal stuff..I just cant believe I stayed with someone like that! I tried to leave twice and twice I came back. I miss him terribly but am moving forward as best I can. It was a relief to know that if I am still on an emotional rollercoaster is because this is part of the grieving. I have been NC for a week now and its the hardest thing for me. Ive deleted everything that reminds me of him including pics and tossed everything he has ever given me. He still has me on his messengers. He still has my pictures on his facebook and myspace. I have not looked but know he hasnt deleted them because he told me he is going to keep those up until he finds it appropriate to delete them..that they are his memories. My therapist thinks he will contact me again someday since he has had a pattern of looking up women from his past before. I know what I have to do if and when this day comes. Ignore the contact and not respond. I’m left feeling empty, hurt, sad and angry that he can easily replace me just like that. I can’t let that part go. Any advice on how I can get him out of my mind. I am very spiritual and God has helped me through this. I know that door was closed to open a new one but I cant stop thinking of him. Help!
Again welcome to the blog. It really sounds like he used you…but that’s NOT my big issue here. It’s that you turned yourself inside out for someone. Did everything for him. What about you? What about your needs?
It sounds like codependency and a need to be needed. I would focus on YOU and what led you to such a relationship where you were fulfilled filling up someone else and doing for HIM. what about you?
The new door is the door to YOU. Do you have the book? If not, get it. (http://www.GettingPastYourBreakup.com)
If yes, read the Self-Care chapters OVER AND OVER!
Be good to you!
Welcome, lynnsd. It’s natural to miss someone we spent a lot of time with. It’s important to fill that void with new things, good things. He sounds like someone who is bouncing around after a second divorce trying to fill up his needs through others. Your need may have been to earn love through giving a lot of yourself, rather than for just being who you are. That was a nice (dysfunctional) match to his need to be taken care of. If you wonder if he will miss you once his kids are back and life with them gets hectic, that says a lot. You deserve to be loved (and missed when you are away) for who you are to a partner, not what you do for him. Being a giving person is a good quality, but it needs to be reciprocated and not THE reason someone wants to be with us. Work on knowing your intrinsic value and loveability based on just being you. You don’t have to be a caretaker to earn a special place in someone’s life. Spoil yourself a little or a lot (!) right now–you deserve it!
Susan—
Thank you! I know I was used. I have always been the type of person to turn myself inside out for people. I enjoy helping others. That is a good question..what did he do for me? He was there for me for my outpatient surgery when I needed him, he was there for me as a friend to listen to my problems and always asked to make sure I was ok. As I think about it he really didn’t do much for me as I did for him. I needed someone to be supportive, loving and understand me when I was having my moments. I have a pretty good social network of friends but for some reason these last six months I only wanted to be with my ex and his boys. I can see I do have codependency characteristics and I have been focusing on me. Im learning that being alone is ok. That not having someone in my life in a relationship is not needed and working on getting better health overall and making more friends who I can reach out to. I will pick up your book. I think it will help. Thank you!
Kwriting,
Thank you for the message. I helped him in his time of need because he was finacially and emotionally needing help. I see your point though…I was wanting him to love me for all I did for him but also for me as a partner. I trusted him and he trusted me. He told me things that he has never shared with anyone else. Or so he says. I am taking this time to focus on me again. I met him at a time in my life when I was unsure if I was capable of loving again or being loved. I know that I am capable of loving again! It wasnt always me doing all the work. We would cook, clean, home improvements together and had a great time doing it! I believe he is looking to fill a void that his ex has left him and he will keep jumping from relationship to relationship to find it. I was hoping to meet a great man who would value me for me and love me with or without my defects. i wasnt actively looking when he found me. he charmed me the ways guys know how and it was hook line and sinker from there. At the time I met him I was secure inmyself. By the time he left me i was so insecure I couldnt believe it. I miss him…I miss the boys and I miss not having to wonder whom I was going to spend the weekend with because I knew. I am getting myself involved in the community, seeing my therapist and trying to rebuild myself to a healthier person so that I can attract a healthy emotionally ready partner to my life and offer the same. Thanks for the advice!
Glad you are keeping busy and rebuilding your life. That’s awesome! When you say “I helped him in his time of need because he was financially and emotionally needing help”, that sounds like a red flag to me. You’ve already pointed out other red flags, so you can see this already. It’s not about beating you/yourself up for what you missed, of course, but rather about gathering helpful information to help you choose better next time. I talked about this kind of stuff with my therapist after my big breakup and it was helpful. A lot of it came up in the relationship inventory and I did that with my therapist, too. Soon after, we did the life inventory and connected more dots. These things really helped me adjust my chooser. :)
Thanks everyone for the replies! I just realized something! I wasn’t always the codependent type. Last year I was diagnosed with a very serious illness. I felt alone, afraid and unworthy of anyone being able to love me because I was sick. I have a terminal lung disease but I can live a long time with medication and most of all positive outlook on life. At the time I met my ex my health was better than it has ever been in a long time and I thought that if i was able to be in a relationship with someone who I thought was a good match for me that I would no longer have to have the feeling that I was forever going to be alone. After giving careful thought to your replies I have come to realize that this is what has made me codependent…my illness and the thought that I need someone special in my life to make it through life. I now see that I was wrong! I have to learn to live with this on my own and accept it in my life completely before I can expect someone else to accept it too. I got myself into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man thinking that this was going to be someone who loved me with or without my illness. I just ordered the book and can’t wait to read it! Being out of this relationship has forced to step out into the world again on my on and see that I can make it with just ME! I know I am going to be ok because I am taking the steps to change that cycle that I saw in my ex and in myself at that time. I realize I have some personal growth to do and as for him.. He thinks he has nothing wrong with him. I have to remember that it doesn’t matter what ends up happening in his life anymore if he succeeds or fails. I have to think of ME and ME alone and not care! I can’t believe I didnt think of this before! Thank you!
lynnsd,
though I feel sorry for your illness, can I just say WOW. Your post sounds so well-reflected, thought-out and good! Give yourself a lot of credit for being able to see all this and draw healthy conclusions for yourself.
Great that you ordered Susan’s book, it is fantastic. Especially the self-care stuff is very uplifting.
Even without such an illness, I think it is human nature to long for a good companion with whom it would just be more FUN to kinda travel the road together, but that does not mean you NEED that right now. First and foremost, you need to pamper yourself.
Be good to you!
lynnsd,
I am so sorry about your illness. Despite that, you sound like an amazing, intelligent, optimistic person. God bless you, and you are right that we all need to learn to be happy with AND by ourselves. I believe I became co-dependent after the death of my father a yr and a half ago. I never felt like couldn’t live without or be happy without someone, and this is exactly who I turned into after that unfortunate tragedy. I, too need to learn to love myself again….find myself and my own path in life….and be happy no matter what happens in my life, and especially be happy even when I am alone. Hang in there….sending warm thoughts your way.
Greenroses73—
Thank you! I ultimately want to attract someone who is emotionally healthy and ready for a relationship. And in order to do so I have to be too or I will end up in the same mess i am in now. I started to become codependent..and attracted someone who was codependent. And believe me if anything I thank him for hurting me and putting me through what I am going through now! This is what it took for me to see that I was going down a negative cycle in life! Funny how our minds work. I so don’t NEED anyone in my life right now until I learn to be happy with being alone with me. This site is awesome! I wish I would have read it sooner but its never too late for change! I’m in the stage of healing I believe. Although I will admit I desire at times to make contact but I don’t! I know that not doing so is healthy for me. I have faith that God will see me through this. He has seen me through worse phases in my life and this is nothing compared to the horror i faced with my illness last year! I’m glad to not be alone in this feeling. I thank everyone for the great support you offer!
lynnsd,
God WILL see you through this….sending hugs your way…
hello everyone,
i’ve been a long time lurker, almost 2 years in september which is the anniversary of THE hearbreak of a lifetime (even worse than the divorce). as you all know personally, this blog was a lifesaver. i learned how to examine myself for the mistakes i’ve made without beating myself up with them (the relationship inventory helped with that!). i moved on with my life and finally after 18 months of celibacy and introspection felt ready to begin dating again. i’ve read over and over about red flags and how i *should* trust myself and have the courage to keep on moving. in recent months, i’ve depended on this blog to learn about recognizing red flags. and i cannot express enough THE POWER OF THE JOURNAL!! it’s all there.
so i started dating someone exclusively. i really thought i put him through a “meticulous hiring process.” we went over the 129 questions (
http://www.everydaybetterliving.com/love_danger_signs/100_questions.html). he scored highly on the wish list of qualities in a mate which includes “respects my need for space,” “i can be 100% honest,” “financially responsible,” “is ok with hairy legs,” and “listens to npr” to name a few.
about 60 days into the 90 day probationary period, his “best friend” from high school announced that she was pregnant with his baby. supposedly, he was drunk and blacked out due to the (psychotic) meds he was on and doesn’t even remember having sex with her at a time before we became exclusive. the news sent me reeling (“no kids from a previous relationship” is also on the list) and i spent some time feeling sorry for myself and mourning the dream but ultimately decided that “we all make mistakes” and as long as there was no romantic relationship with her, i was willing to support him. she continued to be a problem, weaseling her way into our relationship. today she dropped by his house unannounced (probably because my car wasn’t in the driveway) and i learned that their sexual relations have continued as recently as this week. he and i have been “exclusive” for almost 3 months now.
i’m seriously disappointed. in him. and although i fully intend to feel sorry for myself for the remainder of the weekend, i don’t find myself at the bottom of the well that brought me here in 2007. i documented the red flags. in my journal i called it the “red flag corp on high parade” with marching band and all. yet i STILL wanted to believe the *words*.
my problem at this point is not knowing what a healthy relationship looks like. all i’ve got are fairy tales from the media. i don’t have any real life examples from my own family. i continue to haunt this blog for the nuggets of knowledge to hoard away for the “next time.” but honestly, even susan’s relationship with michael makes me lose hope because they finally found each other and his illness reaffirms my fears that it “never lasts.” susan’s courage is inspiring, no doubt. i guess i need to fully accept the buddhist philosophy that everything in this life is temporary. and i do not regret the love that i shared with this man.
i forgive myself for ignoring the red flags.
day 1 of no contact. emails deleted. texts deleted. photos deleted.
good luck to all of us. may we all find our purpose and the love to nourish our souls.
Hi I am new here. I just received Susan’s book from my sister. My relationship with my husband lasted for 26 years.
I was 15 when I started dating him, married at 20. Now I am 41. He left March 1st, by mid April he had slept with two of my good friends and who are also mothers of my son’s wrestling team mates. He is now seeing what of them exclusively. I have reason to believe he has had run in with this person going back to last summer. I live in a small town where everyone knows what is going on. I am embarrassed by his actions. I don’t know why I miss him so much. He has always been self centered, always about what he wanted and he got it regardless of what I said.
I started putting on weight after my hysterectomy and he let me know that he was not attracted to heavy women and it disappointed him that I knew this and still “let myself go” I was mainly a stay at home Mom. I worked part time at the schools or another job where Ihad summers off. He said he would be damned if my $10 an hour job interferred with his vacation time. My whole life was about him and our two boys. The boys are now 19 & 17. I immediately started college (trying to find a way to support myself) but I started school a month after he left and I have a hard time concentrating. I wonder if it is good to do this to keep busy or is not good because I am over whelmed. I am reading the book and I am just reading the “the no contact” How do I do this when our youngest son is about to have knee surgery, and then he has his senior year of wrestling and my so called 2 friends that were with my husband will be there? I am the team parent that organizes everything. I am afraid with school I won’t have time to do it all but I don’t want his girlfriend to fill all my shoes. Why do i care? I feel so stuck, I can’t go back but I can’t see moving on because I don’t know any different. This is the most painful thing I have ever had to deal with. My pain is so deep. How do I feel better?
lorellabee,
Welcome to the blog! NC can still work in your situation with a little tweaking. Susan talks about this in her book. The business like approach to contact with him may take some practice, but you can do it.
I know it’s hard to move on when you are in so much pain. Do the best you can each day. I recommend literally scheduling your time for each important thing you must do every day. First schedule time for doing your grief work (again, use Susan’s book to guide you through that), journaling, and feeling the pain, sadness, anger. When that time is done, put your journal away and move on to the next scheduled thing. It sounds like you need to schedule time to study, to organize the wrestling stuff, and to TAKE CARE OF YOU. If you don’t know what self care is (like so many of us coming out of bad relationships), read and re-read about that in Susan’s book until you get it. If your life revolved around your family for years, scheduling time for you may be difficult. Start doing it, anyway, and it will start to feel good and right in time.
I understand that you don’t know any different, as you say, but you can learn. You must learn. But don’t feel like you have to figure it all out right away. You need to move through the grief and that slows all of us down for awhile. Let yourself feel the pain and know that it won’t last forever. Scheduling time for really feeling it was helpful to me because that way I didn’t let sadness rule my entire existence, but I still honored my feelings.
Are you working with a therapist? I did my relationship and life inventories with mine and it helped.
I had a (total) hysterectomy a year and a half ago and gained weight, too. It’s very frustrating. It took me over a year to find the right HRT to manage all of the side effects from the loss of estrogen. This kind of surgery seriously alters things in the female body and we change physically and emotionally. I can’t imagine having my husband insulting me on top of it. I can’t imagine a partner anything less than patient, loving and supportive, in fact. That’s what you deserved and nothing less. I’m sorry you went through this without all of that. The most important thing we must do–whether we have a great partner or not–is be patient and kind to ourselves. And we must take care of ourselves! No one can do that for us in the end. So if there are things you need to do for yourself now that you haven’t done since the surgery, do them. Some walking? A more balanced diet? Vitamin supplements? HRT? Working with an awesome doctor? Not sure how long it’s been for you or where you are in the emotional/physical recovery, those are just some of the things I’ve had to work out for myself and still have to pay attention to. :)
Be patient with yourself. Things will get better and you CAN build a great, new life like you’ve never dreamed possible.
hugs,
Kathy
lynnsd…I can relate to you having a chronic illness…as I do too…spins everything out a little doesn’t it? I’ve decided that I am going to try and deal w/ my illness before I even get involved w/ anybody else, because I think it made me needy in my last relationship, stuff I thought I had worked out long ago, but I guess some of us are just “works in progress”, well, I am anyway…Personally, I need to get some balance re my illness…I either go into denial about it, or get overly scared and stuck feeling..and as you say, it’s soooo important to have a positive outlook when you’re dealing with an illness…
And I think, in some ways, not being w/ my boyfriend has helped me deal w/ this illness a little better, maybe a lot better…he tried his best, but sometimes when I’d have to tell him that I had to lie down, or that I couldn’t go w/ him to some function or another…or even smaller things, it was hard for him to mask his disappointment at times…..not everyone is cut out to deal with something like their girlfriend’s illness…although he did for 4 years, which is actually surprising to me when I think of it…
Oddly enough, not at first, but lately, I feel more empowered with him not being here…I think I started depending on him too much, which took away my own self-esteem…I find that I can do more, because I have to. I psyched myself into thinking I couldn’t really exercise, because of fatigue, when I’m just finding out that I can exercise, just not like I used to. I work around the fatigue, and just do light yoga and stretches when I’m up to it….I’ve lost 12 pounds and I’m going to lose 12 more..which is a good weight for me…
and I find myself eating healthier because I’m by myself and don’t have to accommodate anybody elses food wants…I’m trying to make my good health my project now…in mind and body…
but yeah, when I let the shadow thoughts take over, the blue meanies…oh, I’m sick, who would want me? that kind of stuff…I just try to head that stuff off at the pass…because it only puts me in negative thought spirals, and touches all my insecurity buttons…how is that going to get me any better? All it does is just ruin a perfectly good afternoon, lol….It’s hard though, I know…
I’m going to try and really work on this…all I’ve done until now is just listen to some healing meditations, but I’m sure I could do a lot more…Volunteer work (I mainly work with animal adoption, etc…and a little tutoring to at risk kids now and then) helps get my mind off my problems, but I need to really have a system, like Susan’s book for break-ups, there’s gotta be something out there for health concerns too, that’s like Susan’s book……good luck to you…
lorellabee: I’m new here too and I probably shouldn’t be giving advice, but I will tell you I’ve been where you are now, years ago. Not completely the same circumstances, of course…but I had a guy who ran around on me, even hit on my little sister…just a good old self-centered narcissist…(this is my own circumstance, I can’t comment on your ex because I don’t know him)…and this ex was really messy about it too…dating women in my building, friends…what I had to do is get away from him…(I’ve never had kids so, of course, your situation is a bit trickier) and there are ways to negotiate this too…
there’s some in Susan’s book re kids…but a thing that really helped me is telling myself…look, do I really care what some friend (who is not a friend) or some woman who is dating this idiot…do I really care what they think? Are they paying my rent? What do they really have to do with me? Nothing…I had/have a chant I use a lot…”What other people think is not my business”
….In matters such as these, it’s what I think that really counts…and I can’t afford to let people – who are doing me no good to begin with – rent space in my own head…Hold your head high and be certain, way inside of yourself, that you’ll come out of this a way stronger, better person for having gone through it…who is headed for a way better life…2 years from now you’ll wonder what you ever saw in this guy…a cliche for sure, but an oh so true one…you’ll end up feeling really bad for these women he dates, and you’ll be smiling so wide because youre well out of it!….just my two cents…
Hello, again. I am so in awe with this website or blog. Thank so much Kathy and Phidian. Your unselfish act to take your time to reply to me, a stranger. I am crying now because of your kindness. It feels good to hear from others who have dealt with this. My heart aches terribly too much of the time. My spouse wants to be friends, and he is supportive of my grief. He says he is so sorry i am hurting and says he just wants different things now. He says he is proud of me for going to school. He is sympathethic and is always telling me that he will always care for me and cares what happens to me. When he sees me upset he reaches out and says “we’ll get through this”
He even says that I will be happier in the long run. He says he knows he was not a good husband and that I deserve a person who will love me like I deserve to be loved.
I know that no matter how much it hurts, I will never take him back, I will never set myself up for him to do this to me again (he had an affair on me 13 years ago). I know its not right to be friends with him after reading the nc in the book but how do I let go of him completely? Why do i even want to after what he has done to me? I know he is not even worthy. 26 years, he is all I know.
Thank you again for your kindness.
lorrelabee: Sweetie, maybe youre ex isn’t as bad as that ex I had so many years ago (he was a REAL PEACH, LOL) the recent ex wasn’t really a bad guy…he was kind and thoughtful a lot of the time (not all the time) but yeah, he wasn’t a bad guy…but even getting one small 6 sentence email from him after 1 month of no contact…put me 3 squares behind, because I was doing relatively well…
But just that little bit of contact, and a lot of my progress seemed to evaporate (and I haven’t spoken to him, or seen him since we broke up 2 and one half months ago)….all it took was one little email from him…
So I can imagine what youre going through, discussing the ins and outs of your relationship with him…seeing and talking to him all the time….and I don’t know about anybody else, but I have a big ego…(I’m working on that too, lol) and nothing chafes my butt more than some boyfriend or husband, who has just dumped me, telling me that I will “get over it” and “it’s all for the best”, and “he’s pulling for me and still “cares” but just not in “that way”, blah, blah, blah…those little chestnuts are usually the things the DUMPER comes up with, maybe well intended, true…but that’s the last thing you want to hear from a person who has just dumped you…at least for me anyway…
what youre yearning to hear is how they miss you, those kinds of things…and that’s pssing up a rope, because youre probably not going to hear that, unless they really are pathological, and are trying to keep you while they do their “thing” which doesn’t sound like the case with your situation….which is a good thing. At least he’s being honest with you those times anyway.
You know what I did all those many years ago with that really creepy ex? He was going to bed w/ a 17 year old girl in our building, who lived w/ her mother…and they would all smirk about it because I was in such denial…until he told me about it and told me I could do what I wanted, but I had to move out of OUR apartment which we both leased together…(good apartments like that are like gold around this city) and he kept most of my furniture…
You know what I went and did? I proceeded to move right back into the SAME building, in another apt….with a bunch of those people smirking and staring at me, seeing what my reaction was day to day (you know how people gossip)…and I put myself through the torture of hearing those two make love at night….I did this for six more months, till even I, with my codependent butt…couldn’t take it any longer (just talking about myself here.) It was my real co-dependent bottom. But you know what? I sometimes thank that guy, because he put me into Coda meetings, and Al-anon meetings, Divorce meetings…therapy, etc etc…something I never did before, and it was the best thing in my life…If they had blogs like this, or good relationship books (there were very few back then) I would of done those too….Gee, I wish they had had Susan’s book back then, it would of done me a world of good…but oh well…
This guy kept talking to me, and emailing me…even borrowing money from me…but I couldn’t get over the fantasy that he was eventually going to “see the light” and come back to me…I could of put a stop to it anytime, and just blocked him…but I didn’t…I kept up the torture for almost another year and half! If I wouldn’t of gotten all the help, it would of been longer than that…it was weird, because I couldn’t stand the guy, I knew he was a creep…but I couldn’t let go of him either…(this was just my situation, not saying this is yours or anybody elses….)
One thing I learned is that there are many people, who base most of their attraction to someone, on a sexual attraction…and neediness…and once those are gone, they don’t transition to something better WITHIN the relationship, they just go find somebody else, till they aren’t attracted to them either…or the other person dumps them…I notice with a lot of people in my apt…they are attracted to someone who isn’t attracted to them…and the person they are attracted to isn’t attracted to them but to somebody else who isn’t attracted to THEM…it’s absurd…like a daisy chain….all these people attracted to people who aren’t attracted to them…going for the “unavailability”…
I think that’s why many of us are on these blogs, or reading Susan’s book…so we can get out of that “rat race” and find healthy relationships with ourselves, and other people…with people who treat us WELL!!!and are attracted to us lol….this will happen for you too llorelabee…just give yourself a chance to start healing…follow Susan’s book..and do all you can to heal yourself…and you’ll find that you will someday soon…just detach away from this person who is hurting you…pretty soon you won’t want to hear about his “exploits” or all his lame excuses, etc…it won’t be interesting to you anymore…just hang in there and let yourself heal, and do the work on yourself, be patient, …you’ll see…
Thank you for this outlet. I will be tuning in more often. I can feel the strength coming from it. I hope to one day be on the other side of this and be able to post “its the best thing that ever happened to me!”
Hello All
Some wonderful advice on here. My sorry tale is on one of the other threads. I’m too embarrassed to read it to be honest but it was 16 years. I’ve had great advice especially from Kathy. Unfortunately, I’ve broken just about every NC rule going. She still rings, emails and texts me and I respond. I had a couple of days off, didn’t tell her (why should I), put my out of office on and as soon as she got it she was on the phone to me asking what I was doing. It’s as if she’s feeding off me.
I’m beginning to think she has some quite worrying issues and I know I just need to make a clean break. In a way I know I’m building up to it. I know I’m a stronger person than I was even a few weeks back and I feel I’m going back to the mild placcid easy going bloke I used to be. I don’t feel angry anymore just an underlying feeling of sadness really. People are strange.
I’m moving shortly so things should be easier…………….well I hope so! I’m also meeting someone for a coffee next weekend and she’s nice. Incidentally, it’s years since I’ve done this but can someone advise me if I should offer to pay for it!
Thanks again for the advice and great website.
dom7,
Sounds like you are getting tired of your own breaking of NC.
Same old drama gets boring and old after awhile, doesn’t it?
I would say, yes, offer to pay for a first date, that’s my personal opinion.
I would also recommend finishing your grieving and recovery work from this last breakup before going on a date (even though you didn’t ask for advise on that! ;) )
Hello Kathy
Doesn’t it just. What a waste of time and energy. She just keeps reeling me in because she knows I’m a decent sort. It’s so difficult because she has a lump on her back which she’s undergoing tests for and she also has a problem with her foot. She just always seems to have problems. I couldn’t handle it anymore. She never used to listen to my advice anyway! Can I just drop her in these circumstances. I know I’m getting stronger and then I’ll get a text saying she’s going in for a hospital appointment. Even typing this now I’m getting stressed. It’s emotional blackmail isn’t it? The funny thing is I can feel sometimes that she senses that I’m moving on and that’s when the games start.
Thanks for the coffee advice and take your point about the grieving. How do I know when I’m ready? I just felt a bit lonely which isn’t like me. I don’t want a relationship and now I’m not sure whether I should go now as it may not be fair on her. Think I suffer too much from Catholic guilt!
dom7,
Can’t remember–are you working with Susan’s book? Have you read Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency? I think you need to educate yourself more and keep working on the issues that are coming up for you from that informed place. Guilt, caretaking, being easily reeled in by someone else’s drama–none of it is healthy or necessary. You can live without all that. You said you don’t want to be in a relationship right now, so that’s your answer. You’re not ready. You feel lonely? That’s not a reason to date, either. As odd as it may seem to you right now, one of the signs you will be ready to date again will be when you know you are not looking for someone to fill up your loneliness. If the person you set up a date with is looking for a relationship, then if you do go, do be honest.
p.s. And remember, your ex is not doing anything to you that you are not allowing her to do. You know what she’s up to and why, and you are allowing it to happen. Take the victim out of your self talk and take responsibility for your willingness to participate. If you don’t like what’s happening, you have the power to end it.
Hello Kathy
Point taken. I had a bad couple of days where I felt a bit low and rereading I can see there’s an air of playing the victim and wallowing in self pity – characteristics I really don’t like in other people and if truth be told makes me a little cross. I’m working abroad at the moment for a couple of weeks in Ibiza which is strange because I’m surrounded by people on holiday but I’m working. Still getting a tan though! I feel better today though so thanks again for reminding me how I’m behaving and being so patient.
I don’t have the book yet and will get it.
Dom
Great advice Kathy, it’s good for me to read as well.
One thing I’ve observed about certain people, is that they are tremendously insecure about themselves and their place in the world. They do FEED off of co-dependents…if a coey (that’s my cutsie word for co-dependents) finally dumps them and gets healthier…there are so many of us, that in no time at all they’ll find another one to feed off of and/or manipulate…or go chasing after somebody that doesn’t want them, go figure???
As for me and what’s happening now, I’ve asked this last boyfriend (we’ve been broken up close to 3 months now) to not contact me under any circumstances (through an email) and he said he was sad about it, but would comply…
I almost wish that he would get another girlfriend soon, so these pesky fantasies (of us getting back together) would leave me for good…whatever…
Though… through all my work (I’m blasting my wrist with a rubber band like there’s no tomorrow sometimes:) …and considering the fact that just that little email contact last week was so hurtful to me…I’m looking forward to just doing my grief work (I do Susan’s book, and the Grief Recovery Handbook) and considering how troubled I’ve been in the past, I’m really doing pretty well….I haven’t done the relationship inventory yet…though I’m working up to it, I don’t want to list the 10 good things about him…isn’t that ridiculous? But I’ve promised myself I’m going to do that this week…
One thing that helps me when I think about it…is that an ex doesn’t have to be a bad person, but people can still be a little selfish, or a lot selfish…the ex, oftentimes…wants their cake and eat it too…if they DO have contact with you, (and youre allowing this contact to happen)…
They like the fact that they are broken off with you with no responsibilities, but, when they are feeling lonely, or sad, or insecure, whatever…they can just call you up to chat…like you’re a pair of old shoes that feel comfortable…they do have a comfort level and fondness for you after all…or they wouldn’t of been with you in the first place…(Susan makes these points in her book, I read and re-read it)
Soooo, they can rely on old “comfortable shoes”…and still go cattin’ around looking for other people to be ultimately REALLY involved with…9 times out of 10, that’s NOT going to be us…
In allowing contact with them…THEY are getting, essentially, ALL THEIR NEEDS MET…at the expense of our own emotional health…because our needs, don’t match their needs… We’re the ones that were dumped…
OUR needs…are to get away from the people who are continually hurting us, intentionally or not…the longer we keep contact, CONSOLING our exes and helping with “their” loneliness …(WHILE they are on their search for their next relationship)…the longer it will take for us to get on with our own lives…No Contact makes sense for us…and if it “inconveniences” them, so be it…this is what I continually tell myself, for me to get back into reality…or my mind starts skipping down fantasy lane again..lol…
phidian,
You couldn’t have said it all better.
Phidian,
I broke the NC rule yesterday and I know I did the right thing. I had to let him know that his ex roomies were up to no good. When I text him i told him when he felt comfortable i needed to talk to him. Let me remind you HE dumped me. He called me not even two secs later. I didn’t answer the first call, he called again and i didn’t answer and finally he text to ask what it was i needed. That is when he called again and I took the call. He commented right away how different my voice sounded. And in fact it did. I was no longer that person who would pick up the phone to talk to him with so much joy and love. I thought hearing his voice would take me back to square one. It didn’t. I felt sorry for him that he still wanted to continue to talk about us when I didn’t take his call for that. Long story made short I got out what I needed to say. I forgave him. He feels guilty and there’s nothing more to say. I have healed soo much more than I had thought! God has given me the peace that I needed in my heart and has filled that void and emptiness he has left me. Not only that I have more confidence in myself. I’ll remember to make better choices next time. The right one will be there for me when I least expect it and will find me…not me looking for him. Keep the faith you will FEEL better!
lynnsd,
though I am certainly glad you feel ok, let me just say I find it a little dangerous to promote contact “when it feels like the right thing to do”.
First of all, he feels guilty, and so what? You said what you needed to say, but believe me it does not matter. What matters is that you do your grieving for you and heal whilst being away from him. It is easy for our minds to trick us into “but this time it was necessary, and it didn’t even feel bad”, but it’s a tricky game, because usually once we start breaking NC, we are (directly or indirectly) back in the soup, even if only a few weeks later. It’s like with a diet and you stop eating chocolate. And then, you just have one bar because it feels good and right, and you say what the hell. Next thing you know, you are back at square one.
Not that I am saying you will be. Just be careful to not fool yourself into “it was good to break NC”.
Greenroses73,
I know what you are saying. And I knew it was risky to do. I took my chance on it and overall I don’t feel bad about it. Thanks for your concern. I know what I had to say doesn’t matter to him because he had a lot to say and it didn’t matter to me! I know once we break the NC rule its never ending in wanting to keep doing it. I have honestly spent time healing, grieving, and moving forward. I don’t want him back. I will follow that rule from now on…i know that is what is best. Thanks!
lynnsd,
I’m going to add to Greenroses comments and say that it seems a dangerous to promote this exchange with your ex as “being over it” and as “forgiveness”. I think true forgiveness of this user ex won’t involve him. It will come in time and be all about you and letting go. I think “being over it” is at least in part about not wanting or needing exchanges like this to feel better or prove anything. It sounds like you were or are still wanting to “win” with this guy. Get even or something. You seem to still be connected to some drama with him.
KWriting,
Nah. I am really DONE with him. I knew his old roommates and it bothered me that they were driving by his house among other things and felt he had to know was all. They recently contacted me so I was just letting him know. I don’t want to get even. I wish him to be happy because I am. As for forgiveness I agree that it comes from within. I told him I forgave him because he truly sounded sorry for what he did. And the last thing I want to do is hate someone I loved very much whether he used me or not. :) It was a dangerous and bold move but i’m glad it didn’t set me back.
Wait. You texted him and said when he felt comfortable you needed to talk to him and then when he called, you didn’t answer TWICE? That is a game. And there’s some anger in that passive-aggressive move.
Susan,
It wasn’t anger. I was shocked he responded so fast and had to think if what I was going to tell him about his room mates was important enough to break the NC.
I agree with Kathy. It has to come from within (the forgiveness), and it is not linked to contact with him.. and I don’t think it was a “bold” move..
Thanks Greek80, so glad I found this site…i hope to read more of you too…Dom..glad you are posting…sometimes I get a little narrow minded (hate to admit it) and I don’t always realize that there are many guys who are taken advantage of in “love” as well…when I used to go to Coda and Relationship meetings, really…there were almost as many guys as gals…
I will say this though, GENERALLY speaking, it seems more woman seek help for things like this, then men…so I think it says a whole lot for a guy who seeks help…to me it says they are really in touch with themselves – that they want to heal and be more emotionally mature…
So many guys I know wouldn’t come near a site like this, to their disadvantage…so I really admire you for being here…it says a lot for you…Maybe it has to do with me being older, I’m 55….yikes, lol….here’s hoping that we all heal from our broken relationships, a lot sooner than later..! To me at least, you must all be really good people to even be on here, and you deserve the best in relationships…peace…
Hello phidian
Thanks. You talk alot of sense and I can see where you’re coming from. I know a few blokes who have struggled when breaking up and the one thing they seem to have in common is having quite a delicate side to them which isn’t always apparent if you don’t know them that well. I’m sure that’s not always the case just my own experience.
There are some great posts here. One I was reading the other day was making time for each other but having your own life too. Made me realise how I got it a bit wrong in the past.
Not sure what I’m saying really lol, but there are lots of great people on here and sometimes when I’ve had a day at work dealing with people with different standards and values (not necessarily worse, just different) I find it quite theraputic coming on here and realising that there are plenty of others thinking along the same lines.
Thanks again.
Dom
To all that I’ve upset… I’m sorry!
Now this surprises me…I do not think anyone is “upset”
:-) It’s just about encouraging you to look deeper into it..if you are ready to do so. Take care
No worries–I don’t feel upset. :) Are you maybe feeling upset?
I’m feeling ganged up on…lol but its ok. Not upset here. :)
It’s the NC-fans singing their song :-)
lol I guess so!
Hey I’ve been on the site for about 9 months, but have not posted yet. I found the site a few months after separation and it encouraged me that break up was the better option. I bought the book and have reread it about twice, I really love the end of the second to last chapter about what love really is and is not. The hardest part so far for me has been the young child involved and maintaining NC. Which leads me to this post. I had been NC (except about the kid) for a good month now. I picked up the kid last night after a nice weekend and dropped her off this morning – we have a pretty complex parenting agreement that includes multiple switches per week. Anyway nothing is said during drop off other than the kid had breakfast, then a few hours later I got a text that asked to move tonight (my night off) for another day. Which usually wouldn’t be an issue but I had made previous plans because it is my night off and I haven’t seen my friend in a while. So I simply text back ‘I have plans’- I try to keep it short and sweet and about the kid. The next text I get from her is ‘awesome thanks. I’ll be sure to make plans on your birthday. Hopefully it falls on one of your days.’ Then like that I decided to break NC. So, 36 texts later I am very upset I broke no contact and actually rearranged my plans to watch the kid tonight. Some other jems from the conversation:
her – “Cool. Cant wait to sit at home on my birthday. Nothing personal, just saying”
me- ‘not my problem’
her- ‘right. Thanks for being an ahole’
This is where I realized no contact is so important:
her- ‘I just want to say that everytime I start thinking I made a mistake about not being with you, you do something shirty. Never fails.’
me- ‘not my problem’
So, yeah I am not happy about breaking NC, or feeling the need to have to step up and take responsibility when it is not my night because she wants to go out on her birthday. I am not happy that if I would have been asked a week earlier I could have made plans accordingly. I am not happy that I started thinking about us again, although it is bringing up all the reasons I started NC anyway.
she suckered you into playing. And despite all your “Not my problem” she made it your problem (or you allowed her to). Your actions did not match your words. You kept playing. You allowed her to make it your problem and you’re teaching her that certain stuff works. And she won’t stop doing it.
you HANG UP after the first Not My Problem. Then it really isn’t.
Read the Boundaries chapter again. :)
And welcome to the blog.
Wow, thanks for the reply Susan. You are right I did allow her to. I had been doing well and have been upholding my boundaries and it feels really good. I just am not always sure how to react when it comes to the kid. You are also right about her not stopping. I feel I am under a constant barrage from that direction. And it seems if I relax my poise for a second this bananahead is ready to start tearing me down again. I will reread the boundaries chapter and a few other parts – I appreciate your strength, insight, and encouragement and I’m happy you share it in the book and blog. I really didn’t know getting and staying well would require so much effort – but it is worth it, I am worth it, and the people who try are worth it.
Read the three-time rule in the boundary section. And this isn’t about the kid, it’s about her and her dysfunction. Also it talks about speaking in “I” language which would go:
“I am sorry you are not going to be able to go out, but I have plans. If I had notice, this would not be a problem. Next time when I have notice, I won’t make plans and I’ll do it happily.” DON’T let it disintegrate into blaming. NO MATTER what she says, DO NOT bite. The book talks about this and reiterating it and making your ACTIONS match your words. VERY IMPORTANT. And then hang up. Nothing left to discuss.
We have to train people how to treat us and you get what you put up with.
It gets easier. :) You are worth it!
She had every opportunity to speak to you about wanting to swap nights hours, days, weeks before her actual birthday. She is trying to make you feel worse.
My ex tried to make me feel bad recently. They put themselves in a stressful situation by leaving things to the last minute and blamed and took it out on me. I responded politely and did not bite. But the whole interaction did make me feel like crap. I am not his punching bag.
Ok so I haven’t had contact with my ex since last Thursday.
The weekends are extremely hard. I am still reading the book and have just gotten to chapter 4 Self care. I am trying to exercise the nc rule since I got the book. But…… we are trying to work out an agreement on spousal support and we are going back and forth. We are trying to avoid the lawyers fighting it out in court and would like to come to an agreement. Last Thursday we argued slightly, no yelling just disagreeing and he wants to know why if I am going to college and will get a good job later, why does he have to pay for alimony and why for so long. I referred to him having the good life and whoring around with my friends, and changing our lives and plans. He got up and walked out and I haven’t said anything to him since. (I had said something like this to him the weekend before and he warned me if I continued to say hurtful things about someone he cares about that he will not talk to me)it is the only 2 times I have lashed out about either one of my so called friends. These girls have emailed me saying how much they are sorry it hurts me and that they will always care about me. I have never responded. I do try to be classy about it and I believe in karma. I try to act in a way so that I don’t feel bad, guilty or regret for my actions. I am not perfect, I slip up now and then.
My question is how do I do the nc when I have to negotiate legal issues with him?
For the most part we get along. I do see where having contact sets me back. I have been with this man since I started dating him at 15 years old. I can’t imagine life without this major body part. I know I have a long ways to go to feel like a whole person on my own. I have a lot to learn on being dependent. I have never done it, I am scared to death of being on my own and frankly it is the most lonely, devastating, low point I ever could have imagined. I do not understand how people live through this.
I am seeing a clinical social worker almost weekly, but she has not mentioned the no contact rule, so this is new to me.
Can someone please help me here? How do I practice the NC rule in my circumstances?
One more thing I do have an attorney but he doesn’t. We both have said we don’t want it to be a battle between attorneys and large legal fees.
Let your attorney deal with him. If he had a brain, he’d get an attorney.
I NEED HELP!!!! I can’t stop re-playing and trying to change what happened between us. I am stuck in a warp zone and I would LOVE to know how I can get past this part of the break-up I am going through. It’s only been 2 weeks sense we broke up.
2 weeks is not a long time at all. I spent months and months going over things. I hope you find a way to get through it. You can’t change what has happened.
I can tell you to trust that the answers will come in time and that healing will happen if you work towards it. But 2 weeks, I was barely functioning at 2 weeks. I didn’t believe what I just wrote to you. I didn’t believe that I didn’t need him for the answers.
It’s been 9 months. Looking back I have spent 9 months of my life crying, searching for answers, wishing he would come back. I’ve grieved more over him than any family member – urgh, makes me sick! What a waste of my life! While he’s having the time of his life with someone else.
Accept that what has happened has happened. Concentrate on you, on your life, and what you like doing. I know it’s hard, believe me. I didn’t think I would get through it, and I’m not completely, but I am getting there.
The 1st time we broke up it I was devastated! This is the 2nd time and while I am no where near as devastated I am still left scratching my head in disbelief that he did this to me AGAIN!
I must have rocks in my head or something casue I have never let another man do this to me. I can’t seem to stop thinking and going over in my head the conversations we had and trying to change what should of been said and what I’d like to say to him now, I have the if I only I had said this or that problem and it’s driving me NUTS!
I am reading the book too and while it has brough up a lot of stuff I’d rather forget from my past both in my childhood and in my failed relationships. I am still going through it a lil at a time casue it DOES hurt like hell!
I have not cried much over this guy this time and that seems kinda odd to me cause I am a very emotional person and for me NOT to cry I am thinking I am holding back what I feel or just not yet will to accept what happened. I do truly want to put him where he belongs, in the past, but I do no if I am doing the right things and I AM afraid that IF I start crying I will never stop or I will lose my mind and never get past this.I even try NOT to think about it too. I DON’T want to remember him nor anything we ever did together good or bad.
Make sure you do the self-care stuff and if you’re not ready for the childhood stuff, leave it until another time. Do things SLOWLY and take care of you!!!
I am doing the things you suggested but I can’t understand why I haven’t cried over this guy yet. Is this part of the process? Or am I just avoiding dealing with it? I am a confused about where I am in the grief stage.
You will. Don’t be afraid of it. Let it come.
Physically you have to stop at some point. It’s impossible to keep crying. Physically impossible.
I have finally stopped crying daily. I still have my moments, but I think my body has said enough is enough, even if my mind hasn’t.
I feel as if I’m falling apart right now. Long story short, we’ve struggled for years with his guilt over his divorce and he never learned how to parent from a distance. He followed me to a new state when I said, “Don’t come unless you are sure this is what you want- a life, a committment, a family.” Within a year, he was talking about moving to their state “to fix his boys” (16 and 19 and doing nothing with their lives). I ended it. He came back begging for another chance, swearing he was going to fix everything.
Now, one year later (and 5.5 years into this relationship), his ex called me 3 weeks ago and said that the last time he was in town he talked to her about moving back there. The last time we broke up, he slept with her, and then two weeks later convinced me to take another chance on him. I was devastated.
I’ve spent the last 2.5 weeks in a state of shock. He tried to tell me how screwed up he is. He wanted me to give him another chance. I left town- NC for 2 weeks. And then yesterday he finally came to get all of this things.
We talked and cried. He admitted how screwed up he is and how he knows there is no way I can do this again. He told me he still loves me and wants me more than anything. He’s found a job where they live, he’s found a counselor and now knows that he has to “fix himself first.” I helped him pack his truck and he drove away, leaving me, sitting on the driveway, shattered.
I’ve read Susan’s book. And yet, most days, I sit in bed and cry and cry and cry. How did my life turn out this way? How do I move on? When does it stop hurting so badly?
It hasn’t been that long. You’re still in the initial throes. Go back through the book and do the exercises (esp the self-care exercises). You’re still at the sit and cry stage but start journaling and doing the other suggestions…balance that grief with good things. It’s still very early…you will get better!!! Glad you’re here!
I am sorry you are feeling this way and I, too, was at the same point the last time he and I broke up. I took a second chance on him and the same thing happened now as before. he went back to his wife whom he claimed he hated. He had left her and was in the middle of his divorce when he changed his mind. I don’t think there was anything I could of done better than what I had already done. I realize now that I AM too good for his head games and the emotional roller coaster he put me through. I am doing all the exercises I can but the contact is the tuffest for me casue I’d like to call him and tell him just what I really think of him. I AM better off without him and in time I know I will get better and so will you casue the world wont end cause some jerky guy left you. Just hold on and you will be ok in time. You are much better off without that guy. I think you need to, as Susan said, take care of YOU right now. YOU are so much better than he deserves! ” Any man worth your tears WON’T make you cry!” author unknown.
Self care is hard right now. I don’t seem to want to do anything. I am so overwhelmed. My mom is moving in in two weeks (planned way in advance of this). He and I had ripped apart the upstairs in preparation for her arrival. And I am left with nothing but 2×4’s for walls, empty holes where there should be a floor and hanging electrical wires.
I’ve spent every day so far crying for half of the day, and then finally working on this remodel project. When I’m exhausted from that, I’m too tired to do anything except feel sorry for myself.
Margie, I know I deserve better. But yesterday, he begged, sobbing, for me to take another chance on him. If I’m strong enough to know I can’t/won’t choose him again, then why do I hurt so bad? How can I hurt so badly when I told him yesterday that I don’t want him back?
I guess it’s like I really believe that he was the only one for me. He was the only person that I ever really connected to that deeply. I kept telling him, “Forty years won’t be enough time for me to do all the things I want to do with you and learn all the things I want to learn with you.”
I wanted so much more time than I got. And now he is gone. He doesn’t even live in this state any more.
How could he do this to me?
I know how much it hurts! I know you feel confused and are struggling with you decision but DON’T give into him cause right now YOU ARE healing! I know that sounds wrong but you are. The more time that passes the easier it WILL get.
This man I was seeing was like a obsession for me and I couldn’t get enough of him or him of me. He only has a short time to live anyway and we had planned to be together till the end. He and I had a passion and love that I thought was the best I’d ever had and him too but it wasn’t and I was kidding myself that he was so special. I wanted to do so much with him too. Go places and see things I’ve never seen or did BUT I can do those things myself and what I need to learn I can do by reading books or asking questions. YOU don’t need him to validate you, you just need a little self-esteem just like I do.
I have gone through 51 years of my life feeling like I am not quite good enough for ANYONE because it seems that every time I try to be good enough someone else is better than I am. I can tell you the people that think I am not good enough can kiss my ass now! I don’t speak to most of my family, my ex-husband, or my in-laws just for that reason. I wasn’t good enough for my family,husband or his family and THEY aren’t good enough for ME now. The same with this guy, I wasn’t good enough for him and now he isn’t good enough to lick the mud off my boots!
The guy you are having such a hard time over isn’t good enough for YOU! Stay strong and stick with your decision don’t let him sweet talk you into letting him back in your life casue it will only go right back to where it was before and be even harder to end down the road. Sometimes we just have to leave unfinished business alone. My journal, my screaming fits in my car when I am alone, making NEW life plans for ME,all that seems to help even if I am having a hard time letting go of him it IS getting better.
If he try to contact you again try to be strong and DON’T answer him. If it’s on the phone shut off the phone or walk away from it. Whatever he has to say ISN’T important and your self respect. He’s NOT worth you.
I know you feel so bad and I do too at times and as hard as this is to say, YOU and I BOTH ALLOWED these men to do this to us. Now it’s time to STOP them from hurting us again and realize WE ARE better off without them even if we are alone for a time. There WILL be someone else but we have to hear ourselves 1st.
I am here for you if you need to vent.
right now I DO believe MEN ARE PIGS!
You want a laugh? You would think that being raised with 6 brothers and being the ONLY girl, having 3 son’s and being in business selling sporting goods to mostly men I would know a lot about men and how they are. HAHAHA
Hello, I only found this website yesterday, I sure wish I found it a couple months ago! My boyfriend I were together for 2 years and he was my first love. He suffers from depression as a result of his mom dying when he was 7 and his dad being a workaholic and not being there for him. Near the end of our relationship my ex sunk into a deep depression and I was trying too hard to make him happy. Our relationship turned from being a happy, equal carefree couple to me trying to take care of him and him leaning on me too much for support. Eventually things ended really dramatically, with him blowing up at me and pushing me. I ended things right there and told him I could never be with him again after what he did to me. We talked a couple days after it happened and I told him he has to be happy on his own, I couldn’t make him happy, and that wasn’t my job anyways. I told him I could never trust him again after he pushed me and that I could only ever be with him if he cleaned up his act, treated his depression and quit smoking weed.
The problem is that we are neighbours and we still see eachother constantly. For over 2 months following our breakup I refrained from any contact with him. When I saw him, I would walk directly past him without even looking at him. Everytime I did though, my heart would rebreak everytime, thinking of how he used to be my best friend and now I ignore him on the streets. Last weekend, after over 60 days of NC (one book I read said NC for 60 days), I sent him a friendly email asking him how things were going. I still care a great deal for him and I wanted to know if he was doing ok. He sent me a friendly email back, which then resulted in us talking on msn for an hour.
This week he called on the phone and we ended up talking for 2 hours about how things were going for the both of us and decided we should try to be friends so we don’t have to ignore each other on the streets. He actually called me from the hospital, as he was admitted for 72 hours to be on suicide watch. I guess he sent a desperate email to his counsellor who decided it would be a good idea for him to be admitted into care. We talked about his journey to getting clean and happy and he is contemplating returning to rehab. I encouraged this and I think he is considering it.
I want to be there for him as a friend, we could both use eachother in our lives, and when we talked it really was just a friend vibe. I told him, I could try to be a casual friend of his, as long as when we see eachother in person, there are no sexual vibes and we are both ok with only being friends. I know it is important for him to get better on his own and that he can’t rely on me for making him happy but I really do want to see him get better and I know that he can talk to me openly and feels better when he talks to me.
My mom very much opposes us talking again but I really think its a good idea, since we were such great friends before. The 9 weeks of NC has helped me detach from him emotionally and he says that he wants only to be my friend too. I really think we can make this work and just be friends, as long as, when we do see eachother in person, there are only friendship vibes between us. I also told him we would have to establish some ground rules and boundaries such as friendship only, no sex whatsoever and that I cannot fall back into my old role of trying to fix him. I know that everything in this blog advises against this and while our mutual friends support this friendship, my family does not. Does anyone have any advice?
Hi Juliekins,
welcome. I recommend you read the “On being friends with your ex” post (you can search for it by typing it in the blank at the top of the page). I suspect you will not find anyone on here who’s going to tell you to be try and be friends with your ex. That is so for very clear reasons. So if you have made up your mind and think you definitely want to try being friends, I assume this blog will not be of help for you.
On the other hand, if you are not sure and would like to get a “second opinion”, then go on reading the recommended post :-)
Take care.
Help. My ex is going to a open house that I am, with my used to be friend that he is now dating seriously.
I am babysitting my 3 &4 yr old nephews and I am taking them with me today after the his girlfriend leaves for work. My ex found out through my kids and wants to see the little guys. He called and asked. I said I didn’t know, I had to think. Blake and Logan love their Uncle Marty. He ask if he could come over, or stay at the open house and see them there. What do i do?, I am trying to have no contact with him and haven’t til my son handed his phone over to the ex.
help me plz
Say no and tell your son to stop handing the ex the phone.
I do love the straight shooting approach Susan! I am starting to see so many benefits of NC and no going back to old flames either. I meet people I like now and I feel light, like the old monsters in the back of my head are gone, I have dealt with a lot of my stuff. I am not going to inflict it on any new person now, I know that. My exes were a way to get some personal qualities without having to build them myself into my own life. The more I work on those parts, without having all the trauma from the less fabulous parts of those people haunting me, the better it gets.
The things I just ADORED about them, their discipline and determination, their humour and ability to make a long-term plan – I can do myself now. And the crap parts of them which led to much hurt and disappointment – well that’s over now. They weren’t good choices as partners, but they showed what I was desperately wanting in my life. I didn’t know I COULD be those things. Now I realise that with them in my life I was never going to be. I have a chance at it now.
TangoLola
I hate this life, and i wish I could trade it in for another.
YOu can’t trade it, lorelleabee, but you can certainly build it. We can all build the life we want–that includes you. :)
Kathy, I have never known such pain or lonliness. I have a large support group, of family and friends, but I feel so alone. I have never been on my own or lived without him. Geez I am 41 now and just feel pathetic.
Lori
Sorry for your pain, lorellabee. But you will learn to be on your own. You will learn to live without him, and trust me, you will come to enjoy it. Allow your feelings, but don’t let them dominate you. You WILL get out of this.
Yes, you can’t trade it. You can recognize what you hate. And then own those feelings and build a life you can love.
Hi!
Rencently I had a big fight with my boyfriend of 5 years. He actually broke up with me. His intention was to give us some space so we could “calm down” and figure out a way to come together in more harmony. Admittedly, our relationship has been very rocky, so I agree with his assessment. The thing is this. He has said the door is open when i am ready to talk and figure things out. It’s been 2 weeks and he feels ready to talk. I want to chat, but i have my reservations. The relationship was rocky. When it was good, it was the best I’d ever had. But when it’s bad, it feels really really bad. He is a very selfish person (and very very moody), so he can’t really be there for me. And when he is going through a rough spot, which is often, he expects me to be supportive.
The thing is, I still love him deeply. He has tried very very hard to be what I need, and it’s me that loses my temper at his mood swings and neediness. When I lose my temper is when he loses his patience with me. So, i feel like I am the problem. Like I am too demanding and don’t appreciate him enough for all he does.
I do think we are better off apart. The emotional rollercoaster ride isn’t good for either one of us. But I need to deal with this guilt. This feeling that I asked for too much and was too demanding. I feel like I’m being unappreciative, unsupportive, unloving. It doesn’t seem fair to him. Could you help me put this into perspective?
Thanks so much.
I’d suggest doing the Relationship Inventory in the book. That will help you get clear on who owns what.
Hi There,
This is my first post. I am recovering from a breakup that took place 3 months ago, from a man I was with for 4 years. We basically catalized each other out of our long term marriages. Last year he broke up with me, then broke my request of no contact with some emails and texts that really worried me about his state of well being. I rescued him and a year of “I’m just not sure how I really feel ” ensued from him, and me working desperately on my own part of things, trying to find my own ground, let go, give him space, etc….this time he left me again, in an urgent rush to get off to his new object of desire, 20 years his junior, which makes her 22. ok fine. I’m dealing pretty well with the breakup overall, in that I realize I do not want what he has to offer, making new friends, dating a little, and really blossoming myself. The hard part is that he will text me or email me if he sees me and I ignore him, or if i nonchalantly say hi….I never respond. The breakup involved no processing of our very intense time together. But we did exchange a letter, initiated by me, of closure. I said at the beginning it would be the last correspondence he received from me, which I have stuck to. Recently he contacted a close friend to cry on her shoulder. “She’s so gorgeous, my heart jumps out of my chest when I see her, there is a huge void in my life, ….and why doesnt’ she want to be my friend?” Excuse me? He is still with the other woman as far as I know. Once again I did not respond and asked her to do the same. He contacted her again, and she said I needed space and that might take a very long time. I saw him the next day, and did not know what to do. I chose to simply walk by with no hello or acknowledgment. This feels very strange, but the alternative of engaging with him in any way still throws me way off center. But blatantly ignoring him also seems to give him some juice. I’m not sure how to handle running into him. I want to keep my power. We live in a small town, and it bothers me how unsettling being around him is, and especially that although I am so disappointed and pissed off at him and see how unhealthy this relationship was and that I don’t even want what he has to offer even as a friend, I still miss him. I have this idea that mature adults should be able to at least be cordial after even a shitty breakup. I’m wondering what the more empowering and protective stance is?
Thanks
This site has been really interesting, and helpful, especially the post On Being Friends…which advise I am trying to use!
Hi jewel2003,
welcome! You sound pretty conscious of the situation and, gladly, in touch with your self-preservation-instincts. I was about to recommend the “On being friends with the ex” post to you, but then saw that you had read that already :-)
Keep posting, and keep being good to yourself.