I actually get a lot of email about this now that a lot of GPYP readers are in subsequent relationships(subsequent meaning the ones after the bananahead that brought you to GPYP). I just received this today but it sounds like so many other notes I’ve received and have contemplated doing a base post about. The others were longer and full of more details so I picked this one because it’s short and sweet but feel free to post your post-bananahead relationship trials and tribulations here. Chime right in.
Dear Susan:
I have just been dumped by someone who I had a brief but quite intense relationship with. I have been working on myself for a long time and following the GPYP site for about 18 months and I thought that I had stopped attracting the wrong men. I thought this guy was fantastic and was finding the relationship really easy and was totally blindsided when he dumped me saying he did not think we had a long term future (by email, having disappeared on me for 2 days after our first minor emotional disagreement). However, now looking back there were some red flags that I missed including being very available (6 texts at a time) and then subtly withdrawing by changing arrangements at the last minute.
My question is this: Have I dodged a bullet by the fact that he finished the relationship (I think he had potential attachment issues – he has no friends, has left his fiance and a live in girlfriend in the past) or does it mean that he just worked out that I was still unhealthy and unable to have a relationship and actually he is ok? I am so confused – I have been devastated by this break up partly because I thought I had finally made a break through and it is just sending me into a spin that I am not ok and he saw that.
What do you think?
Thanks for your help and ongoing support through the blog. I also bought your book – it is just brilliant and so helpful. Even though I had been going through this via the blog it is great to have it one place. I will make sure any friends in the same position buy a copy.
You and your family are in my thoughts
Thank you for your note. I’ve been pondering, for a few days, the idea of doing a post on my post MoAB relationships or “The Road to Michael” because I’ve been getting email from people who are leaving another relationship after they’ve done some work.
My own journey wasn’t always pretty and there were lots of lessons along the way. Many I’ve detailed here. The on-again/off-again relationship with a friend I truly loved. The multi-year relationship that was good in so many ways but we ultimately hit a wall in where we were able to go as a couple. The short, intense relationship with someone who was one of my best friends. The various flings and semi/almost relationships.
Remember: water seeks its own level. There is NO way you are not okay and he is. So we need to forget that particular refrain because such a thing simply doesn’t exist.
1. The whole 6 texts and then pulling away is a push me/pull me hallmark of a (probably) unavailable person. And what was your reaction to that? Did you think, at the time, that it was a red flag? Did you choose to ignore it?
2. Minor disagreement + disappearance for 2 days = not okay. What did you think during those 2 days? Did you think it was okay? Was it a red flag? Were you ready to dump him?
3. Brief but intense. How brief is brief? What was intense and why so soon?
4. Had no friends. WHY WAS THIS NOT A RED FLAG????? Healthy people have friends and attachments.
It sounds like you saw a lot of red flags and ignored them. Why? It sounds like you dodged a huge bullet but why weren’t you getting ready to dodge it on your own?
I did this for quite a while and it also depended on the person I was with. Some guys I could see screaming red flags and leave. Some I would willfully ignore and others I would “get around to doing something” (which I inevitably forgot to do).
But things changed when I started responding EARLY to red flags. I even left during dinner once. That was a few months before I met Michael. I had gotten to the “Red flag…see ya” stage. I know it’s tough but really, responding to red flags early and often may seem like it’s exasperating and it keeps the line moving (quite quickly I might add) but if you’re screwing around with Mr. Not Good Enough and then HE dumps YOU, it means something is still amiss with the chooser. OR you’re not paying attention to and acting on red flags.
I know. I was there. A lot longer than I should have been.
So it IS a matter of acting on red flags. What does this say to you about this person?
How many red flags are enough to leave?
In the book it talks about knowing your boundaries, your deal breakers, your acceptable and unacceptable before going into a relationship. In the “Moving On” chapter it says Know what you stand for. Where are your lines? Where are your boundaries? What is acceptable and unacceptable? What is an absolute deal breaker? In what ways are you willing to compromise? Make new lists and think about what you want the future to hold for you.
Reread pages 187-198. :)
Is it that it’s hard to leave in the early stages? What are you thinking/feeling? Are you falling for this person or just hanging out trying to make a decision?
It is hard when you get into new dating/relationship situations to just up and leave when it’s still early but you don’t have to be ground into the ground to say “Yeesh, I’m outta here…” And that keeps you from being dumped by a person who isn’t worthy enough to breathe the same oxygen as you.
Red flags. Need to pay attention to them.
You can do this!!!!
I could have avoided serious heartbreak if I had heeded the flags that were present on the first date with my ex. Basically he asked zero questions about me, my life, my background. No curiosity about me as a person, how I think, or what I care about. At the time I chalked it up to him being introverted and a little awkward, and also that he had been off the dating market for 14 years. Ugh. I wish I had never made such excuses for him.
The notion of water seeking its own level was such a profound revelation to me after the disastrous ending of my first serious relationship. It was so groundbreaking to me personally because it forced me to look within myself instead of solely passing on the blame to my partner for our own shortcomings.
As I was reading this post, though, I felt that the writer of the email was being a bit hard on herself and her own expectations. As Susan has mentioned so many times before, the road to recovery is a long and difficult one. It’s not a smooth and instant transition, but rather something that we build up brick by brick – sometimes using our own sweat and tears as mortar. I think that’s just how we learn and grow.
In my own journey, I know that I have come very far from where I was a year and a half ago and I am deeply proud of that. But I also know that I still have some work to do and probably always will. Just because the last guy I was with wasn’t perfect for me doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m very sick inside. Rather, I just have a lot more learning to do in terms of choosing what’s healthy and right for me.
I think Carnellian makes some really good points!
We do the work but that isn’t a guarantee that the first, second or third person we date is going to be It. It just means that if this person isn’t It (whether we have missed Red Flags or not) and our ability to deal with the fall out is much improved and we can be a little bit more constructive with our pain after the break up and keep on learning better ways to cope in the future :)
Also, there is an element to me these days that thinks if I bail out early or the other person has bailed out early – we have saved ourselves a lot of time and heartache in our journey to finding the right person! Although, conversely, I don’t rush in the way I used to and that is probably the biggest thing I have learned.
I am not too sure if this is good in this post but I just want to share this.
“They say if you are in and chose to stay in any form of relationship that is abusive or has real negative qualities it is because the other person has not made you feel any worse than you have made yourself feel in the first place, therfore your tolerance of it keeps. It is not until they pass that line, where even you don’t go, that you may make the move.”
mshopeful, that is one of the best things I’ve ever read. Thank you so much for sharing that, you made a bigger difference than you can imagine.
I just received an email from a guy I have talked to on an internet dating site. Our schedules do not coordinate so we have not done the official “meet and greet” yet. After he told me that he wasn’t sure what he was going to do on Saturday or “who he wanted to do it with” I simply replied by saying I was going to this place with friends and if he got bored he should feel free to stop by.
He immediately replied that “I was making this harder than it needed to be”. Please…….give me a break. Oh, and then said that “I would not be disappointed”. Gag!!!!!
Guess I still have a lot of work to do if this is the level of water I am still attracting. Back to the drawing board!
I can promise you that had it not been for this site, I would have been trying to justify why and when and juggling my schedule trying to accommodate this person.
Good for you. You could say “I already am disappointed…see ya!” Only kidding. :) A lot harder than it needs to be is ALWAYS code for “not doing it the way I want you to do it.” NEXT!
Sometimes placating someone we honestly don’t care a whit about becomes second nature. I remember doing it sorta late in my dating career and then thinking, “Wait a minute, I don’t even LIKE this person.” My “Let’s turn this around” switch would kick into gear just because.
I remember feeling that a guy that I thought was weird was pulling back and I went into overdrive to convince him we had something special. Little voice in back of head: WHAT? Stop it! Stop IT! He’s a weirdo freak! You don’t even LIKE him!
I sometimes think I became a lawyer to channel that into something productive. :)
Kdd…
“Guess I still have a lot of work to do if this is the level of water I am still attracting. Back to the drawing board!”
Actually I think you did great.. Look how fast you dropped this guy. So I think you are being too hard on your self saying you have to go back to the drawing board.
I think you should see it as how far you have come.. good for you. You chooser is getting very honed in. To me this seems like great progress…
M
As always perfect timing on the posts! I have my first post-bananahead date tonight! Yay! I’m super excited, but in my therapy session yesterday my therapist reminded me of the need to write down any potential red flags or weirdness in my journal afterwards and then bounce them off her next time since she is kind of an impartial observer. You know I will probably post them here too, if there are any, which I’m hoping their aren’t!
Hope you have a nice time Jpearl, and good for you for wanting to stay on top of those flags.
Speaking of which…at this stage I am so paranoid and lacking in trust around my ability to choose that I have come to realize I will need the help of a professional to stay honest + real about anyone I am dating or forming a commitment with.
I just have too many old abuse issues that get re-activated with men. For sure I have made way better choices over time. But I do not trust my ability to ACT ON removing myself when I start seeing the flags after having become too emotionally invested. If I feel a sense of disappointment or someone not really being there for me, this is one of my comfort zones, relationally speaking. So I am more likely to unconsciosly keep trying to make an unworkable situation work, than just protect myself by leaving.
The one thing I am glad for is that I would never ever again allow anyone to be physically intimate with me without a commitment.
I wasted years of my life caught in this sort of trap, mistaking love for sex. It makes me sad. It makes me feel protective of the younger posters on here going through this sort of thing. Don’t let any man (or woman of course) downgrade your value by telling you they do not want a relationship yet will still use you for sex.
I’m no puritan, not by a long shot (i LOVE sex :) But in my experience, this is an extremely fast route to causing serious damage to self-esteem.
my 2 cents.
Every time the red flag conversation comes up, I can’t help but think does the new gf see them too. When you come across a charmer, it’s so easy to get sucked in; the constant texting, always around and interested and then it happens… the real person starts to slowly emerge and you feel it, but continue and little by little your self-esteem begins to erode and your own insecurities surface and the next thing you know POOF they are gone and your left alone and it’s your fault. If water seeks its own level, then is her “water” better than mine? Clearly, we were in a dysfunctional, co-dependent relationship and we both acknowledge that we are better off apart. So, if I’m unhealthy and he is unhealthy, does that make her unhealthy? I’m glad he is gone, but he mentally raped me; rearranged my molecules left behind a pile of bones, but I still miss him.
becksinatlanta,
You describe a lot of what i feel. Coming across a charmer, constant texting, always around, always made me feel like he cared. Then when parts of him showed true and i tried to change him and control him that’s when my insecurities caused me to go crazy sometimes. Then Poof he was gone, wanting something different and i am left alone. i am having a really tough time since the breakup 2 months ago. lots of anxiety and only doing things when my brother or family asks me to. no intiative to do anything for myself. Suppose to go to maryland to visit a friend for the weekend but i woke up today with so much anxiety and not wanting to go anymore. Feeling like it is outside of my comfort zone. Don’t know if i should force myself to go because since i moved back to NJ 3 weeks ago i have done nothing but lay around depressed. Can’t seem to move forward, so stuck on him.
(danielle)
Yah, she’s unhealthy. Maybe in a different way. But IT DOESN’T MATTER. They may last for a long time in messed-upness. IT DOESN’T MATTER.
So what can YOU do to feel better? What can you do to feel mentally better? As yourself that, and start to envision a future where you’ve reached that state.
becksinatlanta
If he’s unhealthy and she’s healthy then it won’t last very long.
Good answer :-)
d1311, I understand the anxiety, but for me it’s a bit different. I have a difficult time being alone now. It’s just there was so much going on with him (he is whirlwind of problems) and now all that drama has been removed and I feel anxious. Where did it all go? Did he just move it on to her? Why is this person better than me? Was I the cause and now he is miraculously healed and in a healthy relationship? I can’t sleep and I ask these types of questions over and over again trying to come up with some valid answer to soothe my soul. I (we) know what to do, I (we) have ALL the tools (this website, the book, good friends, family). We just have to at some point take that leap, move out of our comfort zone and into the light of possibilites.
what your feeling is not much different. I have been asking myself the same questions for the last 2 months and still feel like the breakup was last week. 2 months seems like a long time to a normal person but to me i have no understanding of that because all i do is wonder as well. Does he not drink as much around her because he doesn’t want to scare her or is she not care and he can be who he wants to be around her. People become who they want to be when around other people everyone does it. everyone puts on the nice face when they need to and everyone gets quiet and nice around old people. the fact that we do that scares me because when you meet someone for the first few months you can be whoever you want them to think you are. I wonder if i caused him to break the engagement i wonder and wonder and wonder. until i stop wondering i won’t move on. decided to go to maryland to visit my friend and at least stop wondering for a few days. i am sure the wonder we be here when i return. Love all of you guys for posting and responding. have a great weekend i will try this myself.
He’s definitely not suddenly healthy and in a no-problems relationship. He’s doing the same-old same-old. It’s probably only you that have gotten the insight to change and will get into better situations after you’ve done the work.
Well it doesn’t matter what he’s doing now but no he hasn’t suddenly become healthy and he isn’t just riding off into the sunset of a happy ever after. He’s just someone elses problem now.
You’re lucky that you’re the one alone with the insight and the tools to work on yourself. It doesn’t feel like it but you ARE!
Hi ALL,
Susan, I swear you are psychic, when I emailed you the other day I really wanted to share this story with you but now I come here and this is the perfect post for my story….
NOT THE MICHAEL, NOT THE MICHEAL…HE WAS NOT MY MICHAEL!!!! For those of you who have been following my I am falling in love and found my MICHAEL post well, I was duped!!! All I can say is that I am glad I know it know and did not proceed with the blinders on I once wore in the past.
Here is the short version: Almost 3 months in he started to be a bit controlling, did not like my having my blackberry on at certain times and in certain rooms in his apartment, make underhanded statements about my lifestyle (partying) and was very critical of what he said was my cutting him off when he spoke, I will admit I do interject at times when I have a point to make but I am a good listener. His closest friendship is with an ex of his who is now married and just had a baby; I met them last weekend and what a beautiful family but I think he is in love with her. What a freaking soap opera…..This in itself is enough for me to say goodbye but here is the DILLY!!!!
The weekend of my birthday party (June 13th) I did not heard from him at all, we had discussed him not coming to the party as he said he would much rather come to something more family related (Red Flag) –how does your new girlfriend have a birthday party and you don’t attend? Huh?WTH? He told me about some layoffs that were coming at his job which were to happen that Friday June, 12th and since is a manager he was informed prior to the day. Well, I don’t hear from him the entire weekend so I get concerned, this man normally communicated with me daily via any and everything you can think of other than smoke signals. I texted him Sunday afternoon asking if he was Okay, he replies “ I am just dealing with taking a 20% pay cut until November and I just need to figure this out. I say “I am so sorry; I am here if you need to talk about it”. Still nothing the next day, so I call him, express my concern and support, it was like talking to a wet rag. I was going back to Maryland that very week for my sorority’s regional convention and had planned to stay with him as he lived close to the convention center. I get to his place and he seems happy to see me and I he, I really just wanted to comfort him and show support., he went to work and I worked from his place, after I was done working I went to buy so groceries to cook us a nice dinner and a few other things for the weekend so my being there would not make him feel he HAD to spend money on me for food, you know not make it more of a burden. That went well and on Sat I met his friends and we all went out to dinner, the friend’s husband paid for everyone so no money spent all weekend for him.
WELL, Sunday early afternoon we get up and I said something about a movie I wanted to see on Pay Per View, “He’s Just Not That Into You”. (This was after my last glowing check in post). So I said let’s order the movie it’s only like $5.00. Needless to say here comes the explosive conversation…He says “When you get home you can order and watch that movie all you want”. Huh? (He and I had talked about the money cut from work and he told me it was not about the money it was the principle, he has been working there about 24 years). So if it is not about the money then whey can’t I order a $5.00 movie? That negated our conversation completely. Then I went on to ask him how this will affect our relationship and dating? “What can I expect? He said, “I don’t know”. Me, “Will you be coming to NJ to see me? Does this mean we don’t go out at all? I think I should know what to expect. Right? He looks away from me and says those fatal words “I Can’t Do This”. OMG no not again….I heard the same words from the narcissistic ex….He goes on to say “I can’t deal with the stress of the work thing and the stress of this relationship”. He need not say another word; I packed my shit, loaded the car and headed to 95 North. He leaned on my car after helping me with my bags like he wanted to talk then. To Fucking late…Love and my Michael would not have spoken to me that way or allowed me to walk out the door teary eyed. So I drove……HOMEWARD !!!!
Something told me to call back …when I did and asked him what he wanted to say to me at the car he said “I forgot”. I expressed a few things and he said “You are making me feel the way I did in my marriage, something about a knot in his chest and that he was not feeling well. The phone went dead so I thought I lost connection or was hung up on? So I call back and ask, “Did you hang up on me?” He said “Yes – I can’t do this” I say “Okay” and hung up. Honestly I just had to be sure so he would rightfully claim the title of BANANAHEAD along with the fact that he through up everything he gave me and dinners he paid for during our dating. Wow another jackazz bananahead that has not grown up enough to deal with the realities of life “Shit happens”. I really wonder which building he would have jumped off it he actually lost his job?
I have deleted everything, unfriended on MySpace, off IM, Phone and Email. GONE! Almost forgot to unbuddy on the scrabble site and when I sighed in last night to play he was there playing and signed out when he saw me come on. Dude has nothing to worry about, I will never engage in anything else with him ever again, this man told me he did all this work when we reconnected, yeah right and my azz is going to keep working on my own water level because something need tweaking for sure…..not hurt or sad just feeling Duped! Going to do my work and enjoy the SUMMER!!
NOT THE MICHAEL,
Keep working the process…
Oh goodness gracious. Idiot.
The last longish relationship I had before Michael should have been subtitled,
“While you were busy gazing at your navel, I was busy getting over you.”
(A country western song title perhaps?)
He had similar issues and would disappear, be a jerk, act like he was the center of the universe (I said to him once, “They have not yet found the center of the universe, but it’s not you.”), and that his problems were so much BIGGER than everyone else’s (they were so NOT). He would feel depressed and shut me out…so srsly, while he was busy gazing at his navel, I decided to get busy getting over him. Idiot.
Wha wha wha. cry me a freaking river. I’m so glad you beat feet out of there!!!
Be good to you Cocoa and let’s talk in email about having lunch!!!
Yes, we must do lunch soon Susan. I am not interested in anymore self-centered babies!!! I want a Michael and nothing less…
Here are the lyrics to my hip-hop song for the idiot:
“LOVE IS NOT and WILL NOT make you hurt, make you cry, make you commit a crime and have you do time…. LOVE IS NOT and WILL NOT abuse, accuse, shut down, withdraw, disappear or run away. LOVE IS NOT and WILL NOT control, manipulate, degrade, discount or deny. LOVE IS NOT and WILL NOT tune out, disregard, devalue or ignore. LOVE IS NOT and WILL NOT quickly anger, not listen, make excuses, not have/make time. LOVE IS NOT and WILL NOT refuse, confuse explode or implode. LOVE IS NOT and WILL NOT cause drama, take, take, take….did I say TAKE? LOVE IS NOT and WILL NOT slam doors, scream, argue, blame, take out on, blow out of proportion, lie, cheat, sneak around and hide. LOVE IS NOT and WILL NOT HANG UP THE PHONE!!!!”
Hi Cocoa – thanks for sharing, I’d been following your story and as jpearl has said you seem like a really nice genuine person…what a first class eejit…I am soo glad you are not going to waste any more of your time on him – let him stay on the “it’s all about me planet”!…He sounds very weak, self absorbed and immature – sooo beneath you Cocoa…you deserve and will find someone who is better and right for you. Be proud of you for stopping this in its tracks right away and getting the hell out of there.
- geoliz.
P.S. really like the lyrics :)
geoliz,
Thank you for your feedback and yes, when I saw the red flags clearly, I was out of there and never thought twice about it. In my past I would have not reacted that way I would have tried to fix this…a true codependent. I would have allowed him to drain me and use me as a scapegoat instead of running for cover! No MORE!
Thanks to Susan, this site’s support and sharing of experences I learned what I needed to do and this time I did it quickly. I would have never would have gotten what I needed or wanted in that relationship as he was just another bananahead that could not see pass himself.
No that I have had even more time to process the brief relationship I see he was somewhat like the ex that lead me to find this site, self-centered, immature and critical. I am so GOOD without all that drama and BS. I am high maintenance now and will never settle for anything less than with I want and need. If it’s not a Michael it is not a real man for me.
Feel free to add to my lyrics….I plan to :-)
Taking No More BS Smooches,
CoCoa
Cocoa -
From all the comments I’ve seen you make on this site, you seem like a wonderful person and I know that your Michael is coming soon! Good riddance to bad rubbish!
Pssshhh, he can’t do this? What actually expend a little energy/emotion on another person? What have to consider someone other than yourself? That knot in your chest it’s called emotions, perhaps you should grow up enough to figure out how to deal with them. (As I throw my hands up in disgust!) My breakup happened right after my ex lost his job, and I think they literally just can’t deal with the emotions of it, or the loss of pride.
AMen JPearl!!!! Buh BYE!!!
I love reading your posts. You have such zeal and such a warm personality! If you hadn’t had such trials you couldn’t share and help all of us who are looking for the strength that you possess.
Thanks for sharing.
B.
Awwwww shucks, thank you. Honestly I almost thought twice about posting this story because I felt my previous post about finding my Michael would make me look like I had leaped a bit too quickly. Now I am so glad I did as the feedback I have gotten has confirmed I did the right thing by running like Forrest Gump from this guy. The support here is endless and I will always give back by sharing my experiences. We I first came here that is what helped me from others and I want to return it to those who need it.
Got me BLUSHING,
CoCoa
Cocoa – thanks for sharing that. That guy is so clearly way beneath you.
Thanks for the reminder! With my ex everything was all about him too. Holy wow, I forgot how bad it was until I read your post. He blamed you for not being over his own past (“you make me feel like I did in my marriage”??? I laughed when I read that, what an immature wanker.)
I forgot to mention in my other post. One really common but overlooked red flag is when they lack curiosity about you, or genuine curiosity about anything much other than themselves. They can be charming and funny, but when they don’t really ever inquire, they don’t care. Yawn.
This is one of my red flags – I drop something pretty interesting about my past (I lived in some interesting countries and had some unique jobs), and see how they react.
I’m real subtle, I’ll just mention the interesting thing, and if they just stop, stare, and keep blabbing about themselves they never, ever get a second date. This is the best way to weed out guys from the online dating world. It tells me right away this person is self-centered and not interested in knowing me.
Thanks to all the shallow men who make it so easy to weed out!
Wow where do these me come from…blabbing on and on about themselves, how boring and self-centered is that, what ever happeed to the strong silent type? Some Men really are the New Woman…hahahah REALLY!!!
I really wish I had seen that flag – lack of curiosity about me – from the start.
As it is, I didn’t, and tonight, over a year after breaking up wtih my bananahead, I had one of the lowest lows upon inadvertently learning, basically, that he’s still alive and dating the office hooch he left me for, and they’re going camping with mutual friends in a couple of weeks. I am devastated at the simple fact that he’s not a shriveled antisocial unhappy little prick. And to think, I could have avoided all of this sh**** breakup aftermath if I had only heeded the early signs that were there in full splendor on date 1.
I don’t even have a post bananahead story because I am still all screwed up from the original bananahead. :( Feeling convinced, tonight, that I am not going to experience any more of the milestone moments of life – marriage, childrearing – that all of my friends are getting to have right now (5 friends have had babies this month!!).
stacy,
it sounds as if you’re a little blaming of yourself for not getting out earlier…but then you might have dated bananaheads 2, 3, 4, 5…until you got someone to level you with a bad enough breakup!
Expect the marriage, childrearing, and all the happiness in the world. It will be there for you. All this will pass if you do the work.
Thanks sserenity. I am so glad to read Susan’s latest posting about affirmations. I’ve run into some other writing on affirmations in the last 24 hrs (is the universe sending me a message?) and am starting to think they might really help. Which is interesting, since I always *had* thought of them as Stuart Smalley ridiculousness. There is something very wrong when *every* person who loves me and knows me is so glad I’m not with the bananahead, and can point out 10 things about me that are wonderful (and 10 things about him that aren’t…) and yet I still get thrown to hear that a selfish, un-empathetic, un-curious, cheating jerk is still walking the planet. I think I am still waiting/wishing/hoping for karma to strike him. And then think that it’s really bad that I want bad things to happen to him.
Anyway – affirmations. I will give them a try.
Stacy,
“I think I am still waiting/wishing/hoping for karma to strike him.”
Believe me when I say that this is a losing battle and not one worth fighting. I do absolutely believe in karma but I think it happens in its own way and time and place and not likely in the way you would expect.
Waiting for bad things to happen to him is still a form of playing the game and exerting energy somewhere it doesn’t belong.
I was really devastated when I found out not too long ago that my demented ex still lives in the same area as me. I was convinced he was too crazy to pull that off and would have to move back home soon after the breakup.
In retrospect, I don’t know why I thought that. He has always been a flailer and he’s also a master at exploiting other people to help him. So my logic didn’t add up. But it really made me feel horrible that his life was just going on despite all the hell he put me through.
In a way though it was a blessing for me to find that out. Because it stung a LOT but then I stopped caring or even thinking about it a lot quicker than I would have imagined. I temporarily relapsed into the mess I was when I was with him, and then my new, better self resurfaced.
Same thing will happen to you. Who cares what he is doing and with whom? He was a lousy, self-centered person with you and he’ll be that same person with the other girl. He is still not anyone you would want. Nothing has changed.
If I’ve learned one thing from examining my friends and people I know over the past couple of years, it’s that VERY few people actually change. Change takes a whole lot of work and effort and most people simply don’t have the desire/patience for it. That’s why I like this site so much because it’s full of people actually working on themselves, determined to fix what’s broken inside of them, unlike about 98% of the population.
We are the ones who will change. Our bananahead exes won’t. That, in itself, is karma. We’ll go on to become better, happier people, and they’ll never reach that level of healthiness and awareness in their lives.
Sucks to be them.
when I was with wrong people it was 3 things:
1) not responding IMMEDIATELY to red flags
2) settling for mr. right now instead of mr. right
3) not acknowledging what was really going on with me.
When my best friend got into a relationship and virtually abandoned me, I was coming off a breakup and not only feeling the pain of her abandonment, but of my breakup as well. I felt lost and alone and could not and would not acknowledge that I felt abandoned by her because I thought it would make me a “bad friend” for not being happy for her and her new-found love.
I stuffed my feelings and kept jumping into the pond with the froggies. As a diversion; as a panacea for my loneliness (it was not, it was just whiling away the time with a horrible person instead of alone).
I waited it out for 2 years and didn’t dump her until I was in my relationship with Michael (about 10 months in).
But part of my continuing visitation to Bananahead City had to do with the loneliness I was not acknowledging, how angry at her I was, how conflicted I felt and how to sit with that really sucked and was overwhelming.
When I finally recognized that I had some big issues with loneliness and abandonment I started to work them out. I put my feelings about her on hold just so that I didn’t react out of pure emotion.
I did a lot of stupid things and made a ton of mistakes at a time I was pretty far along in the recovery world, but not feeling capable of dealing with what I was feeling and what I was doing.
But I pulled out of it enough to just leave when I saw a red flag. As I said, I once left in the middle of dinner. That was in the months preceding my first date with Michael.
And with Michael I had him come to my job to take me to lunch. I wasn’t doing any heavy lifting there. It was like, “If you want to see me you will drive an hour to where I work and take me to lunch at the place of my choosing and we will eat and you will pay for it and then you will take me back to work and if you don’t, I shall spray you with Mace.” I had been the accommodating girlfriend, the girlfriend paying for dinner, the “okay I’ll drive to YOU” girlfriend and those days were OVER. No more. And if someone didn’t want to drive to see me, didn’t want to pay for dinner, didn’t want to accommodate me once in a while, then buh bye.
It wasn’t that I said all that but it was my attitude. And he loved it, truth be told. He had a long time of playing games with people who didn’t say what they mean and mean what they say and he had had it.
And if he hadn’t, he’d be playing with them and I’d be fine and at home watching TV. ;) But when we started seeing each other regularly we took turns going to each other’s houses, we accommodated each other equally but he still paid for dates. :) And there was much rejoicing!
Susan,
I just adore the stories you tell about your relationship with Michael…So Beautiful!!!
LOL spray you with mace!!!
cocoa
I know that you don’t know me but I have read enough of your posts to know that this guy is crazy to have let you go. You seem like an AWESOME person. His loss. Just another idiot. I’m sorry that it turns out that he wasn’t your Michael. But he’s out there and you’ll find him.
You said that maybe your water level needs tweaking but I’m not so sure. You beat feet out of there as soon as he showed his true colors. Some of these fools have just gotten REALLY good at hiding who they really are. But you acted fast and decisively and cut contact immediately. It takes some time to start seeing through the bullshit. But you haven’t wavered. You should be VERY proud of yourself!
Thank you soooooo much for your compliments and support. There was no second guessing this one, what I had to do was clear and I have no regrets. You are correct about people being able to hide the BS but usually within a few months the true colors come to the surface, I have learned to take them at face value now and not try to excuse them away….That was the old very unhealthy me. I am doing my work, finding myself and in doing so I found my own value and I like that girl so deserves alot and she is worth it. :-)
Thank you smooches,
CoCoa
I haven’t started dating again since my breakup but I saw a red flag in an acquaintance. One of my sister’s in-laws asked me last month to hang out with her and go to dinner. On a Monday, she emailed me and said she’d get back to me on where we would meet on Tuesday (I had left the choice of restaurant to her since it was her invitation). On Tuesday, I had not heard a thing all day by email or phone so I just went home from work as usual.
Two days later, she sends an email saying that things had just gotten away from her and arranged another date which she also proceeded to blow off. When she emailed to arrange yet another get-together, I said I was busy for the next week and to get in touch then. I’ve heard nothing and don’t expect to.
In the past, I would have called or emailed her to find out what happened and to reschedule. This time, I just waited to see what she would do. It was relaxing to observe and not fix.
My sister has since told me that this woman is unstable and recommended staying away from her.
This was my email – thank you SO much for responding and for all other comments. I woke up this morning feeling so down on myself and to find this here is a total gift. Thank you.
It is only now I look back that I can see the red flags – at the time they didn’t even register and that in itself scares me. How could I have not seen? I think the truth is that I was so glad (and relieved) to meet someone that I finally thought was a nice guy and that I could see potential in that I immediately switched off any critical faculties that might demonstrate that he wasn’t right for me. The unavailability – I thought I’m being too demanding, must just play it cool and give it space. When he disappeared for 2 days I went into TOTAL panic mode. Where was he? What had I done? Why didn’t he want to speak to me? What did this mean? You’re right – rather than thinking I should dump this loser I could hardly breathe at the thought he was going to dump me. Not so healthy – I can see that now.
As for being brief and intense. It had been about 6 weeks with a month chatting online before that. To be honest, he set the tone saying things like ‘I want us to be together for a very long time’, ‘when do you think I will meet your friends’, ‘I don’t do one night stands I do relationships’ and so I relaxed into it and thought ‘for once someone I like likes me’. I thought we were finding our feet in an early relationship but he was actually deciding whether he liked me or not. I had totally fallen for him before I’d even made a decision. I slept with him too soon. I trusted him too soon. I took what he said at face value. Not good.
And no friends. I felt sorry for him – he’d been living in Dubai and moving around a lot. He had acquaintances but no close friends and, because I thought he was so great, I just overlooked it.
I guess that’s the lesson. I wanted SO much for it to work and for him to be right that I stopped seeing who he really was. It took approximately 2 weeks for me to stop thinking about what I wanted and to start thinking what does he want? What does he like? He doesn’t want to call me – that’s fine I should stop being so demanding .Eeurgh! And the worse thing is that I’ve turned all of the anger on myself and feel like I am the one who is not ok.
I feel very low right now – full of regret and recriminations – but I am determined not to let this moron beat me. I have been crying for about 3 weeks but I think I now have to decide to stop and to stop blaming myself. It is hard but I will reread the pages, I will set my boundaries and never again will I feel so bad about myself that I set my standards so low and miss TOTAL BANANAHEAD behaviour.
Thank you all. Your support is appreciated more than you know
Smileydebs (previously posted as DP)
I think that’s enough crying over this spilled bananahead.
:)
No feeling sorry for a potential partner. NONE. That means they are defiicient and you are a codependent who wants to rescue.
Figure out what you need, what you want and if those wants and needs are reasonable and then find someone who will fill them. Don’t backtrack on what you want and need. Don’t put your standards up to a vote. I used to tell Michael, “yes, I’m high maintenance, but I’m worth it” (from Jack McFarland of Will and Grace). These days I tease him: “Oh and WHO is high maintenance now? Huh? Huh?” and he laughs.
I wanted someone who would WANT to call me every day. I didn’t want to beg, plead, cajole or sit around feeling bad that he didn’t. That is NOT unreasonable or demanding. And Michael called me every single day from the day I met him until the day he had his seizure. And it wasn’t a demand. It’s what he wanted to do. I never asked. It’s who he was. It’s harder to find someone to meet some of your needs sometimes, but it’s easier once you do. We never once had a “you didn’t call me” argument. Not once in 12 years.
In other words, know GOING INTO IT, what you want and what you need and don’t compromise it. (Reread that section of the book…and then read it again….:))
It is time to stop crying over spilled bananahead, time to stop blaming yourself and time to affirm that you will set the boundaries and standards and never ever relax them for anyone ever. :)
AND BE GOOD TO YOU!!! Self-recrimmination is NOT being good to you!!!
Glad you are here!
I echo Susan here on the going into a relationship feeling sorry for a partner- boy was that a mistake! This was what I was trained in childhood for!
Thank goodness for an awful, traumatic, earth-shattering, self-smashing breakup.
Echoing Susan….Please don’t waste your tears on that bananahead jerk. You deserve so much better than that.
Cocoa,
Wow I am so sorry to hear about the turn of events in your relationship! He sounded like a good guy from the things you said in earlier posts. Sometimes you just don’t know. I think it’s great that you took it in stride and walked out of there with your head held high.
Sometimes the best way to test your progress is to actually play it out — and that’s what you did. You should be proud of yourself. Anyone can say “Oh I won’t tolerate bananahead behavior again!” but you actually didn’t, and from someone you cared about, no less.
I feel the same way now when I date: I just feel different. I don’t take rejection as personally, I can walk away from guys who I feel a “spark” with that I know are a disaster in the making. Dating has confirmed my progress; relationship I feel will do only accomplish that moreso.
Congrats for walking away from a wolf in sheep’s clothing and for sharing your empowering story with us.
Hugs!
I so LOVE this….
“I feel the same way now when I date: I just feel different. I don’t take rejection as personally, I can walk away from guys who I feel a “spark” with that I know are a disaster in the making. Dating has confirmed my progress; relationship I feel will do only accomplish that moreso.”
BRAVO!!!
Susan, Cocoa
Thank you for support. I am hoping that today is a turning point – this has been an extremely hard lesson to learn and I really hope it’s the last time.
Cocoa – sorry to hear about your experience but sounds like you have reacted with dignity and respect – respect to you.
No more bananaheads please!!!!
Yes, I have learned to keep my side of the street clean, walking away was the best thing I could do for ME!!! It the past I would have made all kind of excuses for his behavior and stayed….Hell to the NO! It was time to GO before things got even crazier…BEEN THERE and I am NOT Down with that Program anymore…
I have never felt so good about running away from something/someone before in my life. The Work Works If You Work IT!!!! :-)
Living in a BANANAHEAD FREE ZONE…
CoCoa45
cocoa, great story, great story. :)
The best part of keeping your side of the street clean is that you can walk away with your head up because you did the right thing. It feels like dignity. You inspire others. You become a kick ass role model. Way to go!
Thanks chocolatedigestive….I am just so proud to be able to give back to others what I have learned and experienced. Taking Bananahead BS is no longer an option for me in my life. I would much rather be alone and in peace. That is not a bad option at least for now…I plan to enjoy my summer and do the things I enjoy, continue to do my work and make my life as wonderful as I can for myself.
You too can do this, stay focused on you and keep working…It only get better.
**Luv your name :-)
CoCoa