Last spring someone wrote an email asking, “What does it mean ‘to be the right person’?” and the readers here gave their take on it. Later, I gave my take on it. This week I’m running an edited version of my take for 3 reasons:
1. Someone mentioned it in the email group and another reader said it was a good post. It seemed like a good time to rerun it.
2. Those of you who have been here and been to my seminars know that I watch reality TV with my 15 year old daughter so that she’s not looking at these shows and thinking these things are okay. I watch them (shoot me now) so we can “discuss” it. Lately this topic seems to come up a lot after seeing the way some women are cavorting on some of these shows or the way some of these teenagers are acting like spoiled brats (and their mothers too!). We were snowed in this past weekend and watched a lot of stuff together and have been talking about what it means to be “a lady” and to be a woman of grace and dignity (which you all know is a standard with me.)
3. The holidays cause us, very often, to lose sight of what we should be doing and concentrating on.
So here is the post again. Feel free to add to it. Happy Holidays to those who celebrate something this week. Remember to celebrate YOU in the midst of all the hullabaloo.
Being the right person
The saying (which is not mine but I can’t figure out where it comes from… I think Earnie Larsen but I can’t find where he says it) is: to find the right person you need to be the right person. Someone asked how to “be” the right person. I know it’s all over this blog but probably not in one place. I knew that people here who are putting these wonderful lives together after a breakup KNOW what “be the right person” means.
1. DO YOUR WORK. Whether it’s grief work, unfinished business, family of origin work or if you have been addicted to people or substances, get the help you need. If you need counseling, GET IT. If you need 12 step meetings, GO TO THEM. If you need support groups, FIND THEM. If you need depression screening and medication, GET IT. Read books, go to seminars, lectures, retreats, workshops, classes. Chase it and chase it and chase it. And don’t stop chasing it when someone comes along. Keep doing what you are doing.
2. DO NOT MAKE A RELATIONSHIP THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR LIFE. Never ever ever make a romantic, intimate relationship with another person the thing that always comes before all else. It’s a losing strategy. Your relationship with YOU is the most important thing. Make sure you have absolute uninterrupted “me” time each and every week. Makes sure you are putting your needs first some time. Make sure your children, interests, friends and future goals are all a priority in your life.
If you have children, they should be high on the priority list, if not number two, right behind YOU taking care of YOU (because if you don’t take care of you, you can’t be a big help to your kids) and most times and most days much more important than any love interest.
If a train was coming down the track and you could save one person, your love or your child, you must be able to say AT ALL TIMES you will save your child. If you can’t say that (and some of you parents will be horrified at this), and some people can’t, lose the relationship.
People who are in 12-step programs will say that their program comes first and it should (but does it really or are you just mouthing those words?), people who go to church will say God or whatever higher being they worship comes first (but does it really or are you just mouthing those words?). You should be active in community groups or meetups or book clubs or hobby groups or SOME SORT OF SOCIAL GROUP that happens separate and apart from the rest of your life. And you don’t give it up when a new love comes along.
At times your time with your friends should come first. At the VERY LEAST, your friends should be a PRIORITY in your life. At the VERY LEAST, there should be times that you tell your love interest that you need to be with your friends. There should be times you are willing to tick off the love interest in order to spend time with your friends, your kids, your church group, your fellowship and YOU. Hopefully you have found someone who is also a whole person and has these things in his or her life. If not, you might not have found the right person. Make sure that you are looking for well-rounded people who have more interests in their life than just you.
There should be times the love interest takes an ABSOLUTE back seat to everything else in your life. If there’s not, Houston, we have a problem. If not, it’s called addiction or enmeshment, not love. Being the right person means you fall in love, not that you become addicted or enmeshed.
I’ve had friends in relationship where they tout “togetherness” that is really enmeshment. The more time they spend together, the less they can tear away. I ended a friendship with someone who said, “I just don’t want to be away from K.” and she never thought of that as a problem. If one other person is your entire world, if that person gets hit by a bus tomorrow, you have a problem.
HAVE OUTSIDE INTERESTS. Have goals, hobbies, groups. And do not stop having these things when a relationship comes along.
3. MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP A PRIORITY. Does this contradict 2? No, it does not. A healthy person realizes that a good relationship needs nurturing. That you don’t take advantage of your partner. You don’t sneak around, use or abuse anyone. You don’t lie or manufacture tall tales. You treat your person with respect and you demand respect. It’s a two-way street. And it’s pretty clear and simple. You either have mutual love and respect or you don’t. Don’t make excuses for someone who does not give it to you ALL THE TIME.
You love what you give time to. You should give and receive special time but again, not at the sake of all else.
A healthy person LIVES a balanced life. Has interests and is interesting to EVERYONE, not just to the flavor of the month.
4. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. Say what you mean and mean what you say without being mean. Being the right person means being honest and open. It means telling the truth and being able to express who you really are and what you really want and being okay with that. It means being able to say, “I hurt.” “I want” “I feel” and not being afraid of that. It means not repressing your feelings and thoughts, but not hitting someone over the head with them either. It means leaving martyrdom and dramatics behind. It means not letting your Little run the show and take charge when you feel hurt or abandoned. It means understanding that the adult you does have wants and needs and is ENTITLED to having them met. When you’re feeling like your needs are NOT being met, can you separate out the healthy, appropriate adult needs from the whiny child needs? If not you have work to do and your needs are not going to get met until you know what is reasonable and appropriate and what is outlandish and overly needy. It means knowing who you are and what you want and accepting that for what it is. Are you afraid to speak your mind because you have no idea what is okay and not okay to ask and to have? Then you’re not being the right person and you won’t find the person until you figure this out.
5. HAVE A FILTER. Do not reveal everything to everyone. Do not say everything on your mind. Have some things that you only share with a precious few. Life is not true confessions. Have discretion and reveal what you need to reveal to your partner, your children, your counselor, your 12 step sponsor, your minister etc etc etc. This does not mean to dump all of your stuff on any one of these people. A healthy person has a variety of people in their support group. A healthy person does not become a burden to any one other person. They spread themselves around and get that, in order to grow and change, they need to let the garbage out but that doesn’t mean dumping old banana peels and horse manure on the head of whomever is close by. It means using discretion in revelation.
6. DO NOT VIEW LIFE THROUGH ROSE COLORED GLASSES I talk to people who are simply not seeing the forest for the trees. They have put up with so much for so long, they can’t “get” that they are being mistreated or that so and so’s behavior is just flat out wrong. Learn to observe and to keep the “rules” in place. Meaning, if you have a rule, it applies to everyone and that just because you’re dating someone doesn’t mean they get to break the rule or that you will blindly ignore the fact that they do. Do not start to back down from your reasonable and appropriate wants or needs.
7. HAVE BOUNDARIES. Boundaries simply say I begin and end somewhere and you begin and end someplace else. Make sure you are not a boundary crasher and you are not involved with a boundary crasher. Boundaries are good things to have and if you don’t have them, then nothing else will work in your life. The key to healthy relationships are good boundaries. And this means with your friends, family, children, love interests, the vet, the corner grocery clerk, the taxi cab driver…. EVERYONE. Have good and healthy boundaries and don’t change them for anyone. Remember what Melody Beattie said: you cannot set a boundary and take care of someone’s feelings at the same time. So when setting a boundary, how the other person feels about it is none of your business. When being a parent, do not try to be the COOL parent. Being the cool parent, allowing your children to run roughshod over you or overindulging them is NOT cool. Children (even almost-adult and adult children) want and need limits. They need to know their parents are strong and capable people, especially young children who need to know you can and will shield them from trouble and controversy. They need to know you have a mind that works and that no means no. They need to know this and they need to be taught this from YOUR modeling of it. This means strong and healthy parenting. Not weak parenting and not abusive parenting. Healthy is firm but loving, strong but appropriate and reasonable. Grow a backbone with them (a loving backbone, but a backbone where you can set a boundary with them even if they don’t like it) and they will outwardly protest but inwardly they will feel secure that you are taking care of business and someone strong and capable is on their side.
8. HAVE GOOD SELF ESTEEM AND KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Do your affirmations, positive self-talk and know that you are the best person you can be. Continue to work on yourself but constantly give yourself good and loving thoughts. Make YOU and YOUR LIFE and your self-image a priority in your life and continue to get your self-worth from YOU and not from anyone or anything else.
Make your safety and security the NUMBER ONE CONCERN in your life. Make it clear that you are important, you are special and anyone who does not reflect that IN YOUR LIFE can take a flying leap. Do your affirmations, spend time with you, treat yourself well and insist that others do the same.
Be PERFECTLY OKAY with who you are. Even if you are a work in progress. Because you are ALWAYS going to be a work in progress. Know that you have things to work on but be okay with who you are at any given moment. Know that you are a good person, a smart person, a loving person, a loyal person and a a fun person. And anyone in their right mind would be thrilled to have you because you are FABULOUS. And keep working on the things that might not be as fabulous as you want them to be. And let the world know, “This is me. Like it or leave it. I don’t care. This is me and I’m okay.” I stole a line from Will and Grace that I use all the time. Will’s ex best friend says to Jack McFarland, “Oh you’re the high maintenance friend.” and he smiles broadly and says, “Yes, but I’m worth it!” Whenever Michael would say I was high maintenance (before he was sick), I would say, “Yes, but I’m worth it.” Personal inventory on a consistent basis lets you know if you’re being high maintenance or taking advantage of others. Sometimes you have to think about what do I do for them? What do they do for me? Do I need to ask? Do they? I am more of the “I know what he likes so I do it.” variety (such as I know he LOVES roast beef sandwiches from a certain deli so I would often stop and get one any time day or not and he would be thrilled with it when I brought them in) whereas Michael is more of the “Tell me what you need me to do.” (he wouldn’t just stop and get me something without asking me first) so I tended to ask for more but we got equal amounts because I would anticipate his needs and wants more than he would mine. Also he is satisfied with getting “something” whereas I am more particular (okay that is where the ‘high maintenance’ comes in ;)).
Be a person who is dignified in all things NO MATTER WHAT. This means speech and behavior. The pop culture is so classless and clueless. If you’re behaving like people on reality shows, there is a problem.
Bring some class and dignity to your behavior, your language and your demeanor. I can trash talk with the best of them and can let go a string of profanities at any given second. I was raised in the Bronx and my middle son made a remark to his friends the other week, “My mom has traveled the world and has a first class education, but if you make her angry, the street comes right out and you will not believe what comes out of that well educated mouth of hers…” But I don’t conduct myself like that every minute of every day. Reign it in people.
Ladies: conduct yourself like ladies…like women of grace and dignity. Gentlemen: conduct yourself like gentlemen…like men of pride and stature.
Everyone: BEHAVE WITH DIGNITY.
9. KEEP YOUR HEAD WHERE YOUR FEET ARE Unless you’re doing a specific piece of work like the relationship or life inventory or setting goals for the future, stay in today. Stay out of other people’s heads and stay out of who is doing what when unless they invite you to know and understand it. If you want to know what someone is thinking, ask them. If you want to let someone know what you are thinking, tell them. If it’s not said, don’t project as to what it is or what it means.
Think about what you’re doing when you’re doing it. Think about what you’re saying and what someone else is saying. Hear, REALLY HEAR, what you are saying and what others are saying. Learn to take people at face value. If you suspect that their face value is total horse crap, then hit the buh bye button. If you don’t like their face value, hit the buh bye button.
10. Spend some time alone and unplugged every single day. There are two modes that NYC commuters can take to get in to and out of the city (other than driving). There is the train and the bus. The train can be loud, well lit, and people talk on their cell phones and have their iPods so loud that a person 3 seats away can figure out what song they are listening to. It’s a fairly annoying and harsh experience but the trains tend to leave and arrive on time and have more interesting terminals.
The buses, thanks to the Lincoln Tunnel and traffic in general, do not always leave and arrive on time. There can be days where you sit in traffic and do not get to or from the city as fast as you would like. But on the bus, it’s quiet.
There is an unwritten code on the commuter bus that says that everyone needs to shut the hell up. It’s usually dark and quiet. You don’t even hear iPods and you definitely don’t hear cell phones because someone would toss them (and the offending talker) out the window. The bus commuters have gotten a bit Zen about the whole thing. They just read or look out the window. Many nap. It’s a longer ride than the train but so much more pleasant. Deciding between the bus and the train is not easy. You get where you’re going faster on the train but it’s so damn loud and noisy and bright.
Make sure you are having a “bus” experience each day. That doesn’t mean take a commuter bus, but make sure there is a stretch of time each day that you are unreachable by phone, by email by in person. Make sure you are spending quiet down time.
Remember, a ringing phone is a request, not a demand. You do not have to be available to everyone for everything. You do not have to answer every phonecall or email. Learn to decided who you want to talk to and when. DO NOT BE CONSTANTLY AVAILABLE.
Put some quiet, uninterrupted, unavailable time into EACH AND EVERY DAY. If you’re walking along the street or even at the mall, shut off the cell phone and blackberry and let your head and your experience be where your feet are. And do not excuse or explain this. If people are annoyed because you are incommunicado for a few hours, you’ve got boundary issues and you need to lower their expectations of you RIGHT AWAY.
If you can, spend some time each day relaxing or meditating. Spend time with just you without interruption. If it’s dark and quiet, that’s even better. Teach your children how to do these things…how to send positive “self” messages and how to spend “me” time. And insist they do it no matter what. Insist they turn off the TV, the computer, the cell phone for some time each day and just “be.” Boredom leads to creativity. Don’t rush to fill their boredom. Or yours.
11. CONTINUE TO TAKE PERSONAL INVENTORY This is lifted from the 10th step of 12 step programs. In 12 step programs you do a 4th step inventory and some people do several, but the 10th step is there to say you keep doing this on a smaller scale every day.
With GPYP it’s the same thing. You do your relationship inventories and your life inventory. What did you learn from these inventories? You learned how to take responsibility for your stuff, how to recognize other people’s stuff and how to work through it and move on. You KEEP doing that. You do it every day. If you’ve gotten into the habit of keeping a journal, keep keeping it.
12. KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID. A friend of mine who has been sober in AA for many years says his philosophy of life is simple: “Don’t drink. Trust God. Help others.” If you can get your philosophy into 3 phrases all the better. It can be “Don’t hook up with bananaheads. Trust the process. Pay it forward.” or whatever you want it to be. Think about it. Can you get it into 3 phrases?
13. You take responsibility for your own behavior and you keep your side of the street clean. Nothing more and nothing less. You do not do what others should be doing for themselves. You do not take on things you do not own. At the same time you take responsibility for yourself and your life. INCLUDING YOUR PAIN. And you do something about it. Life happens. Sometimes being in pain is no one’s “fault” but you are still responsible for doing what you need to do to work through it and come out on the other side.
14. WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE BELIEVE THEM. Don’t split people. Listen to all they say, even the bad parts. Learn to observe people and judge whether or not they deserve 5 minutes of your time. If they don’t, flush em. If they do, care for them. Don’t lose yourself and get confused because you are trying to tease out the truth. The truth shall ring true. Love is an action. Don’t lose sight of that. You have to be willing to hit the buh bye button to anyone whose behavior is not in keeping with your standards.
15. Have high standards. For yourself. For others. For the world. Go forth and do great things. For yourself. For others. For the world.
When you are hurt you need to tend to that hurt. When you are writhing around in emotional pain, you can’t think of anything else. But do your work and do your healing and come out on the other side more healed. Demand good things from others and give good things to others. Don’t rescue and don’t neglect. Don’t coddle and don’t ignore.
And when you’ve done a fair amount of straightening out of your life, give back to others. Whether you donate to a charity or volunteer or pass on the nuggets of wisdom that you know, give something to someone once you have something to give.
16. Remember the GPYP Platitudes! LIVE BY THEM. They are found here: Platitudes
17. Be good to you. ALWAYS.
Take care of yourself. Eat right. Exercise. Get enough sleep. Don’t drink except occasionally. Don’t drug. Try to curtail the coffee and give up the cigarettes. Meditate. Relax. Plan vacations with just you. Take yourself out to dinner. Take a train ride. Take a boat ride. Do good things for you.
Spend a “me” night once a week. Spend time with you and for you. DO NICE THINGS FOR YOURSELF NO MATTER WHAT.
18. Balance and perspective. Keep it. Always. Don’t go too far to the extreme of anything. When you find yourself there, come back to the middle. Keep it in balance and keep your life in perspective. And that comes from self-checking every single day (sometimes several times a day).
19. Above all else: be good to YOU
Dear Susan,
I found your website when googling something about grief a few months ago. I’ve kept reading because so many things you say ring true and that’s affirming. My daughter died 4 years ago, she was 18 and on the other side of the country going to college. Our family was devastated. So many people helped us, but there have been a few that took advantage and caused even more damage in our lives. I felt like I was a cell that had lost it’s cell wall and anything could pass in or out. It’s not a healthy place to be.
I know that I will miss my daughter the rest of my life, but I’m working on making the best life I can for myself. Also trying to continue to be a good parent to my sons, who are now young adults.
Thanks for all that you do in the midst of your own grief,
Lisa
i found this website a few days ago. it’s been helping me with the NC philosophy but i tortured myself by checking on face book and found out that he is taking the girl to his home country for the holidays and she attended his graduation and met his parents. i hated myself for looking at her page, now I’ve changed my password so i won’t log on to face book anymore. i need help with self esteem. some days its bad, some days it gets better but god, i hope i find someone soon who’s a better choice but more importantly I’m praying for peace of mind in 2009 and to have a higher self esteem.
Lisa,
What a devastating loss. I’m sorry for your pain. You sound strong and resolved now, like you’ve recovered your boundaries. I’m happy for you and your sons for that gift. Someone told me once that things would never be the same again after an unthinkable loss (of 2 children), and that the goal was to find a new normal. A new normal is possible. I hope you have found or are finding that. A warm hug to you,
Kathy
Lisa,
I, too, want to wish you gentle space with the loss of your daughter.
Susan,
thank you for this wonderful post. Especially for the reminder re. not loosing sight of all that matters in one’s life, when a new love interest comes along. That’s what I have noticed in myself: I tend to feel so strong when I am on my own, but not so much after a while in a relationship – so I really want to work on changing that. On not giving up on everything else, just because there is this “one person” as such a focal point in my life.
The other day, because of enormous gratitude and also peace and joy I feel these days, I was amazed at myself at how relaxed I felt inside despite all the crowds in the streets (and there were enormous crowds, doing their last minute Christmas shopping etc). Normally, those crowds are pretty unbearable for me, I just dont like them. But this time, I felt so freed from that emotion, I was patient and just simply okay and happy inside, so the crowds were unimportant. I walked through the streets, with a wide smile on my face (just like that), observed everything, noticed so many details, and was just present in the moment.
Also, your analogy re. train vs. bus really made me smile.
Thanks!
SUSAN Another brilliant post when I needed it. Phew it has been a gruelling day with family of origin and the holidays. Sometimes when I read the posts they are too much truth too soon for me. My healing is so in the beginning but I learn everyday and try to make sense of it all. I am aware that alot of the time spent in this last relationship was in the back seat. I was doing all the things you mentioned. It got to the point I turned my friends down and he did what he wanted and with whoever. The enmeshment I was in with him was my entire world, besides work I no longer had any outside interests. I had respect for him and he was probably the only man I did and he had none for me. When you talk about meaning what you say and having boundaries, values, taking care of business, etc. I am that strong and capable, take care of business kinda gal haveno problem speaking my mind, protecting myself, as long as I am not in a relationship with a man. People who know who I really am look up to me for my strength and independence, my honesty and truth. My mom told me on a daily basis that i was nothing, bad, and I took her word for it. This is a crucial place I need to focus. I was a good parent and did a good job. My youngest son in kindergarden told his class at show n tell that his mom was his mom and dad because there wasnt anything she couldnt do that a man could. My negative self talk and unworthiness is crippling and I read and strive everyday to heal and change these things and I am able to do that here. I am eternally grateful Susan and all and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Debbie P
Susan,
This isn’t entirely on-topic but I just wanted to say a quick Christmas thankyou. Yesterday, for the very first time, I got all the way through a family gathering without any nervous stuttering. My stuttering came about from lack of self-respect and a belief that I was inferior (rooted in my family role as the “coper” during some very difficult times). This time I was confident and stutter-free, and as I was driving home I realised that I haven’t negative self-talked for at least a week. I’ve also rescued myself from a bad workplace, snagged my dream job, got into my dream external course at university, and am about to move back to the area I most want to live. NONE of this would have happened if it wasn’t for the tools and words of wisdom on GPYP. I feel so very healthy and clear-minded for the first time in my life, and I’m acting on it!
So, thankyou. It was wonderful to read through today’s post thinking “hey, I’m mostly doing this now!” rather than “oh gosh I’m a mess”. A great Christmas present :D
CHRISELL When I read your post on Be the right person, you said you went a whole week without negative self talk, my heart sank alittle when I realized I have never gone a day without doing it. I know that is an important area for me to work on but I am so overwhelmed almost taking in too much. I can appreciate your statement and good on ya, I look forward to the day I stop that self defeating behavior, thanks for sharing that.
Lisa
My heart aches for you. I hope you will continue to find comfort here. My blessings and thoughts to you and your family this holiday season.
Susan
Thank you for posting this…it is a good reminder that as we moan and groan about the ex it’s up to us to do better. We can do better, we should do better and be better. We deserve to be a better person just for us. I am in a place right now where I can read this and start really doing this work. For a while I was in a place of grief, but the tides have changed for me so it is time to be a better person to me. It will feel odd but I can do it. I deserve this, I know I really do.
Happy Holidays
Debbie, don’t feel disheartened – it’s eight years since I was first told by a psychologist that negative self-talk was part of my problem, and gave me tools to combat it. It’s taken this long for me to get a handle on it! It will come, I promise. You just have to keep working at it.
Well you have summed it up with this one Susan … this post includes pretty much everything someone needs to know abot how to Live a Good Life. And so much of it SHOULD be so obvious … but I for one was absolutely clueless about a lot of the things you mention. I have yardsticks to measure things by now, and reasons to guard my privacy and private time and innermost thoughts. When I had my big break I had kept so much to myself for so long that I talked too much and trusted too fast, and got much MORE hurt – by people i hardly knew – as a result. I didn’t know much about boundaries, I just thought if I was desperately nice to EVERYBODY that was a good way to be. But not everyone deserves the same space in my brain, and people have to earn my trust, just need I need to earn theirs.
I feel so much safer now, just knowing that none of that kind of trauma is going to happen again, because I know how to nip it in the bud. I feel safe and calm and under control … for the first time in years. And I check this blog and watch other people going through the same process … it’s a wonderful thing. THank you so much Susan, you are changing people’s lives and helping so many of us … your wisdom and honesty and humour, and your fabulous writing. I think finding this site was the single most positive thing I did this year, it changed my life like nothing else could.
Lola
Chrisell,
Congratulations on becoming the right person! Your story is really inspiring. Thank you for sharing your success with us. I’m
so happy for you!
Hello everyone,
I came across this website approximately one year ago which was shortly after my wife announced that she was leaving me. Needless to say, it has been the hardest year of my life. There was no abuse or addiction, she simply said she thought she would be happier on her own. We have a four year old son and she has three children from prior relationships.
I have read virtually all of the articles on this site and often felt that they were written specifically for me at a time when I needed them most. At times it seemed uncanny. I have visited the site everyday since first finding it and I still do. This is the first time I have posted. Perhaps it is the holidays which have caused me to realize how appreciative I am for having found this site and for the wonderful support of Susan Elliott.
After my wife informed me that she was leaving she bought a house and moved out. Shortly before leaving she had a change of heart and wanted to stay. In retrospect, I believe she was just scared to do what she had been telling me all along she needed to do to make her happy. Cold feet, if you will. Not love, fear.
I asked her to go as she had been telling me all along that we could not work on our marriage under the same roof. Besides, the stress in the household had become unbearable for both of us.
We tried to make it work and reconcile after she left but the same issues kept rearing their ugly head. I also discovered that she had some involvement with another man, although she portrayed it in the most innocent terms. After several attempts, I finally informed her that I thought we should each move on with our lives. It was an incredibly difficult decision, particularly considering I was blindsided by all of this, never wanted it, and still had strong feelings for her. It was necessary in order to preserve my dignity, self respect and some semblance of sanity. You can’t go back. You can’t recreate what once was. The natural tendency is to see only the good in the other person and fondly recall all that you shared. The negative aspects of the relationship sit in a dark corner in our minds. They come out as soon as there is an attempt to reconcile, trust me.
I was lost when she left and so distraught I can’t put it into words. I know that all of us have shared similar pain in fighting our way through this process, so you can relate.
I can’t begin to tell Susan how much her insight and knowledge have helped me get through this. Contact was most always minimized, however, I must confess there were times when we spoke more frequently and saw each other more than we should have. Those periods of time ALWAYS, ALWAYS, set me back.
Because we have a child together, it is necessary to have some contact. However, when it becomes a nightly discussion about the events of your day, family issues, work issues, laughing and joking about things as if you are still together, you are not moving forward. You will be stuck forever until the contact is absolutely minimized or eliminated if you are lucky enough to be able to do that. For those of you who have no children with the ex, be thankful. There is no reason to talk at all and moving on should be somewhat easier, not easy, just easier.
As the post on children suggests, it must be treated as a business relationship only. It is so true that you can’t move forward when you are still fanning the smoldering ashes of your doomed relationship. Never doubt that principle, it is critical in recovering.
After nearly a year and a half of sorting through the wreckage I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I can now envision my future in a much more positive manner and know that I will be fine. Much of my inner turmoil has been a result of worry for our young son. My focus is now on myself and him as this article suggests.
I never wanted this or dreamed it would happen to my family. I am so grateful to Susan and to all of you for helping me through this difficult period. Susan, you are a wonderful person. Thank you so much.
Excellent and helpful post, Susan. Thank you so much.
Joe, thank you for sharing your story- I could relate to so much of what you said.
Chrisell, go you! I loved reading what you wrote- a true inspiration to continue with the work.
To all of the GPYP readers and dear Susan and Michael and family: Warm holiday wishes to all of you! May all blessings and peace be yours.
gradstudent,
One of Susan’s teachings is that “water seeks its own level”. How about taking a break from looking for a partner and take that time to get to know you, like you, and really grow you?
Check out Susan’s postings on “affirmations” for some beginning help with self-esteem.
Whoa. I just realized that I dropped a lot of things for my ex. I was one of those people who became kind of enmeshed and its scary now that I look back on it. Hmmm. It sure has got me thinking…
thank you beclear. MERRY CHRISTMAS to all of you. i’m in a much better state of mind since yesterday. there’s a quiet but inner strength in me that enables me to just ’snap out of it’ i just realized that i snapped out of the nonsense i’ve been putting myself through, love shouldn’t be about nonsense. my self esteem is creeping back as well. there is nothing like a peace of mind and i pray we all achieve that for 2009. i sent a fellow classmate of mine the link to this website because her emotional turmoils were just as bad, i hope she is utilizing it.
How do I stop feeling jealous of my ex? He has moved on to a great new life in an exotic country with his new girlfriend. It’s not so much that I want to move to an exotic country, it’s more that I want people to be impressed with me, too! He spread rumours about me, was incredibly nasty towards me, and yet has come out smelling like roses and being lauded. Sometimes it’s too much, and I feel eaten up by jealousy and resentment. My self esteem is shattered. I’ve been creating goals for next year, and I’ll go through with them because I know that I should, but I kind of don’t care about them. I can’t find the motivation to care about anything but him. How do I stop the feelings of jealousy and resentment that are eating me up?
Rapunzel,
First thing you need to is shift focus onto you. Who cares what he’s off doing overseas? He lost a wonderful person–YOU. You should cut all contact (including looking at his social-networking sites) so that you don’t know anything that is going on in his life. Just because you know he moved and has a new girlfriend does not mean that he is happy. They are not mutually exclusive. Stop feeding yourself new info about him or it will be impossible to stop fixating on him instead of working on yourself.
Also, who cares if other people are impressed with you? This has nothing to do with other people and their opinions. Frankly, they’re irrelevant. What do YOU think about you? Because from your post, I’m detecting low self esteem and lack of motivation. That is what you should work on. Do affirmations, go to therapy, cut all contact, explore new social groups, sign up for the gym, hang with friends, etc. Build the life that you want and deserve to have.
What he does and what anyone thinks of you is none of your business. Take back control and happiness will follow.
Good luck.
Every time I come to this website, I feel a sense of peace within myself. I was afraid that Christmas was going to be a difficult holiday for me as I still have the memories of my last Christmas spent with my ex-boyfriend. Yet, I made it through the day with my teenager’s and we had a wonderful holiday together. I have been a divorce mother of three children for nine years now. My ex husband was abusive and the marriage was very difficult. We lost our oldest child to cancer at the age of three during the early part of our marriage. After my son died I realize if I can survive a lost of child, I can leave a very bad marriage. Raising my children on my own hasn’t been easy, as I never received child support from their father. Yet, I have managed to keep my family together without the help of others. I have had two relationships during the past nine years. Somehow I believed being in a relationship with a man would make me a whole woman. Boy, was I wrong! With the ending of my last relationship, I was devastated. Yet, this morning I woke up for the first time and I realize I have so much work ahead of me. I need to learn to love myself, to remember my dreams that I once had about life. I need to put myself first and become that person I would want to date if I was a man. Seriously, I am very blessed to have three great teenagers who I have always put first in my life. Losing a child makes you look at life differently and puts things into perspective for you as well. So, here I am at forty seven years of age, working on myself for the first time in my life. I know 2009 is going to be a great year. My last relationship ending dearly killed me, as I missed him very much as I thought he was the one I had been waiting for all these years. Yet, today I woke up with a smile and I realize life is a journey with many lessons. Last night my sixteen year old daughter and I were watching Bridgett Jones Diaries, the movie. We were laughing throughout the movie and I made a silly comment “I will never find love again because I am too old” My daughter with great wisdom said “You can find love at any age mom, but not 2009. As that is your year to spend with you.” She is so wise and very right.
Kathleen
Your story is very touching and you are to be commended for all your efforts to hold yourself and your family togther. Your very insightful daughter is evidence of that…I hope you see that she is so wise and very right because of the love and strength you have given her.
Thanks Julie for the kind words! This site has made me realize that their are so many people out there with broken hearts and they too can move forward to a brighter beginning. From my own experience, ” You are never too old to learn something new.” I am so grateful for this site. Happy
New Year to everyone.
kathleen,
I appreciate your positive outlook on life. What a wonderful gift to your daughter. I grew up in a family that was often headed by one parent, my mother. I’m sure it must have been very difficult for her — and lonely. She kept trying to get it right I think. She married four times back in decades when women weren’t getting divorced or remarried.
As a child in this scene I was most concerned about my mother’s well-being. She only seemed happy once that I can recall. It was when she was married to my second step-father who eventually had multiple affairs during their marriage, whom she asked to leave.
How I wish she could have found happiness on her own. How I wish she could have felt gratitude for her daughters, and the joy we brought to her life. I think she must have felt that joy in us part of the time. But we never really heard about it.
Alas, when I think about her — and she died 30 years ago — I think of someone who was artistic, well-educated, and so talented and had so much to give to her children and the world. But I also think of someone who saw herself as “inbetween” relationships and never felt worthwhile without a man. She always seemed to be searching for the man or the marriage that would make her whole. She never seemed to appreciate the “gold” she had in herself or in us, her four daughters.
Thank you for allowing me to see that a single mother can still feel “thankful” for what she has in her life, especially when it concerns her children.
Thank you.
Seeif
Dear Seeif,
Thank you for the kind words as well. Raising three children alone is difficult, I cannot imagine raising four by myself. My mother passed away almost two years ago this January. I miss her very much. My mother was married at the young age of eighteen and she and my father raised seven children together. Many times I wish my mother would have left my father due to his drinking. His drinking caused a lot of havoc in our family at times. Anyhow, my mother was a stay at home mother and she did the best she could. My father and her were married fifty one years before she died. I often wonder if she was happy with her life as she was such a wonderful woman and very intelligent as well. I grew up being a hopeless romantic thinking love would conquer all. I wish my mother and I could of spoken about what to expect in a relationship between a man and a woman. Even though I have had one bad marriage, two relationships that have ended. I don’t consider myself a failure in regards to relationships. I now know I need to spend some time on me and find out who I am. I can say I am so lucky to have my kids. Being a single mother is very difficult and at times I have wanted to drive in my car and never return..lol Yet, my children will always be there for me and men will come and go. I am sure your mother did the best with what she was dealing with. Our mothers during there time really weren’t allow to have dreams other than being a wife and a mother. You seem like a good person, so she obvisouly did well regarding you. take care…
Wow Kathleen you sound so together! That kind of attitude can take you pretty much anywhere in life, and it inspires a lot of others as well. Who cares at what age, I have met selfish grannies and inspiring teenagers, it doesn’t really matter when people decide to work on themselves and create a great life for themselves, what if everything before that was just designed to show you WHY you had to make the changes. Is it a waste? Not if you decide at some point to do the work. Sounds like it is hard for you to put yourself first, you are going to enjoy this year! You will probably get to the end of it a completely different person, how exciting is that! And will probably have relationships with people totally unlike the ones you knew before, this is also a big plus!
I love the comment someone made, either on here or in the GPYP emails, that you have to fall in love with your own life. I think this comes first … then the partner that we end up with takes his or her place in the fabulous life we have created. I love that idea. And if all else fails and we don’t find or meet that person … then what we end up with .. is just the fabulous life we created … can’t lose really …
Lola
Your website is insightful and helpful.
It may take years to understand that you can not go back to your past. The loss of a young love over a misunderstanding changed my life.
When we realized that we lived near each other after marrying others we knew that we were fortunate to have loved each other. We both have faithful spouses and great families.
You cannot live in the past. Never the less there was grieving, confusion and we live by the choices we made.
Such a good post. I’ve been a reader off and on over the past year and come back when I need it, like now. I’m one of those people who gets lost in a relationship and forgets everything else, and I definitely have problems setting boundaries. Many of the negative things mentioned above are happening in my current relationship, and I’m feeling rather ambiguous about the whole thing. I’m going to start each day this week with reading this post as a reminder.
Thank you!