Hello Susan,
Remember me? It’s been about 3 months. I took your advice and moved out of this small European town and moved to a larger town instead. My ex-boyfriend is no longer directly across the street from me and neither are the watchful eyes of his mother. I moved at the end of July. I went to the US to visit my family for one month. There, I had a big fallout with my mother and told her to never contact me again.
Please keep in mind that during the past few months I have been struggling with the break-up(I’m doing much better now) with my ex, who is a full-blown narcissist. I am not exaggerating and he meets, I believe, 8 of the criteria for narcissism. I joined the support group on the net called The Web of Narcissism and this seems to be helpful. I even find myself giving support and helpful advice (I hope so) to others who are just coming out of their relationships.
My problem is this: Even though I have:
- moved away from my ex,
- realized that he is personality disordered (personally, I think it’s more of a moral disorder) and a true narcissist that will never/can’t change,
- I am slowly meeting new people and more focused on work
I find that some days I am still so angry at him for his mistreatment towards me when all I wanted to do was love him. This morning I sent three nasty text messages to him, which he hasn’t responded and I’m glad. I just wanted to vent towards him and hopefully, release some of my anger. While rationally, I know that he is sick I find myself on certain days full of anger towards him. I don’t want my rage towards him and distrust of him to carry over into future relationships. Those of which I am not searching for right now.
I know that I have work to do within myself. I came here to Europe to live my dream. I feel like sometimes I am numb. I don’t know if it is from him or perhaps I was a little numb to start with and that’s why I was attracted to him in the first place.
Please let me also add that I know that I am a raging co-dependent and that’s why I found myself in this situation in the first place. All of my life I have been building up to “finding the great narcissist” of my life so that I could FINALLY begin to learn my life lesson and stop degrading myself. Being around my mother last summer made me realize so many things and parallels between my own childhood growing up and the situations that I found myself in during my relationships. Realizing the similarities gives me hope that I am growing as an individual.
My main questions are: 1) When will the anger and feelings of injustice about his behavior towards me and the rotten treatment that he received from his childhood (which ultimately affected our relationship) go away? …And,
2) Why is it that I am (supposedly) living the dream that many would like to have here, but yet I can’t seem to get out there and enjoy myself? It’s like I am afraid to live…I mean really live…full of joy. Does that sound weird or what.
Any ideas, suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so very much Susan! ~ Giovanna
It’s good to hear from you again. Thanks for keeping us posted.
I think the first thing that you need to remember is that codependents fall in love with people they can “save” so there was something in it for you. The biggest challenge you have is your codependency and you really need to stay focused on that and recovering from that. It sounds like you still have a lot of raging codependency going on. I say that because the clearest sign of codependency is confusion over boundaries, confusion over who owns what. Here you’re confusing several things.
1. Your anger belongs to you. It doesn’t belong to him. He mistreated you because he’s a narcissist, pure and simple, and he doesn’t care about you or your anger. STOP TELLING HIM HOW ANGRY YOU ARE. He doesn’t care. He doesnt’ own it. It’s not his to deal with and it’s NOT OKAY for you to spew at him. You own it. Deal with it. Go no contact and stop going to him for some reaction he’s never going to have. Stop venting at him or trying to “release” your anger by spewing at him. That is unhealthy and unhelpful. You need to talk to others, write, read, break dishes, hit a heavy bag, exercise, run, walk, scream into a pillow….ALL those things about it. What you don’t need to do is go to him with it. Not good. Not helpful. Not healthy.
2. When “all I wanted to do is love him” is a classic codependent/martyr refrain. Who owns this? You do. You fell in love with and gave love to someone completely incapable of loving you back. Some part of you didn’t want to love him and didn’t want him to love you because you picked someone incapable of loving you AND incapable of FEELING the love you had for him or recognizing it or appreciating it. So even if you had love (the feeling) and expressed it (as in love is an action), it went nowhere. It was wasted. And it was wasted because you made a poor choice in picking who to give it to. Who owns that? YOU.
3. Anger over his mistreatment in childhood. Who owns this? HIM. Not you. He’s never going to be angry about it and even if you’re angry about it, it changes nothing. Only he experienced it and only he internalized it. Again, you picked him. No sense in being angry at what happened to him. Be angry over your choice of this person with so many unresolved issues, personal history and personality disorder. THAT anger belongs to you but you have no right, really, to be angry over what happened to him. To be that indignant about something that happened LONG before you met him is an excuse to stay focused OFF your own stuff. That stuff doesn’t belong to you. Somehow this is an over-empathic reaction. Remember, we “make up” for that which is lacking in our partner. He’s completely devoid of empathy and you have too much. Too much empathy = enmeshed boundaries. Cut it out. It’s not yours to be angry at.
4. It sounds like you have to work on your grief and anger and work your way through it. Do the Relationship Inventory. Do the Life Inventory around your mother.
5. You are never going to feel the JOY at your living situation until you work through your stuff and take care of YOU. And I am almost never envious of someone else’s opportunities, but I can say I am envious of yours.
6. Spend each day where you are journaling, walking, getting out and trying to observe and be, REALLY BE, where you are.
7. Write gratitude lists every night. Learn to be happy and grateful for what you have in spite of it all.
8. You cannot give it away until you have it. Keep listening to others and sharing but try to stay focused on your stuff first. It sounds like you’re leaping to “helper” before you have your own stuff resolved. Be careful in “helping” others when you are still so raw yourself. The time will come to pass it on, but for today you need to take care of you.
9. And CONTINUE to take care of you. Remember to deal with what you own, leave the ex alone and work on your codependency and boundaries.
You can do this!!!
GREAT advice Susan! (As always).
My struggles sound very familiar. I have almost begun to feel that part of the pull toward my ex, is that so much of my identity has been rooted in being his victim?
Who am I now that I don’t have him to bitch about… I was so unhappy, I complained to my friends, parents, his parents, any body who would listen, constantly. Who am I if not his poor long suffering wife…
Is that it, or was his B/S a huge distraction and somewhere to place my focus rather than on my B/S?
Still having a hard time unraveling the tangle of emotions that is my codependancy.
Tess:
You wrote: “Is that it, or was his B/S a huge distraction and somewhere to place my focus rather than on my B/S?”
My hunch is you know this, but yes it is all one in the same – being distracted by his behavior kept you from focusing on your own. And though you may not like how this awareness makes you feel, please believe me when I say it isn’t anything bad that you need to be punished for by labeling yourself as “bad”, “wrong”, etc.
Instead, it is simply a matter of “you just didn’t know, what you didn’t know” – nothing more, nothing less. And the great thing about today, in this moment, is that you are starting to know something different.
And just like changing any other habit, it will take some time to adjust and put your focus back on you, but I promise you if you stick to it – choose to focus on YOU and your healing – it and YOU will CONTINUE to change for “the better.”
You can and ARE doing this – Bravo!!!
Hugs,
SmilingAngel
Tess,
I really liked how the author of “Conscious Living” put the codependency thing- we have an unconscious movie of how things are supposed to be, and we try to recreate it. What that makes me believe is that we need to do things that AT THE VERY CORE OF US reprogram us. I believe that’s what Susan calls the “psychodynamic” level of the GPYP program (you may want to get and listen to her Affirmation mp3). Some other kinds of treatment that I’ve heard target that inner programming are neurolinguistic programming and Psyche-K (which some people may find woo-woo, but so far I’m an advocate after two sessions).
The good thing is that you are OUT of that relationship. AND that you recognize what is going on. I had a huge problem with anger and rage and after going to a doctor with excessive thirst, found out my chemical balances were all out of order (huge amounts of stress does this to one). After given a set of supplements by this holistic M.D., it was amazing how much more balanced I felt. (And now that I’m taking kung fu, I also wish I had started it then and begun kicking and punching things. I really needed a physical outlet besides the gym.)
Thanks to you both for the feed back.
SmilingAngel, your hunch is correct, now I know, but I still am reluctant to the work. To face the past, to mourn/grieve a lost childhood, a loss that took place over 30 years ago.
Even as I write it, I also know that there is no way around, only through…
BeClear, I like that analogy, and I agree, it is changing the old internalized messages, as well as releasing the unfinished movie script.
Thanks to you both for providing insight and comfort on the journey.
Tess, here’s another thought.
More and more I think about the metaphor of someone carrying a heavy burden that is full of bundles, some of which hang over his/her eyes and force them to not see a true path and slog through the mud.
Life presents them with a person who actually manifests all those burdens or some of them in the flesh.
If the person is lucky to escape, they now can “see” their burdens, do the work to unentangle from them, and get out of the mud and onto a clear path.
Suddenly, their future and dreams are so much more possible. What wonderful things will they do?
You don’t have to berate yourself, dear. What would you say to a friend in the same boat? You’d give her your love and try to show her how she *is* a wonderful person already.
My wish for you is that you learn to respect and nurture yourself (!) as a human being, to the point that you will accept no less from anyone else.
Actually, I think you’re already on that road. It could be that one reason his behavior makes you so angry is that you *know* you don’t (and didn’t) deserve it. Y’think, maybe?
All the best,
Nan
This letter completely echos the intensity of anger, rage, grief that I have been trying to work through. I was destined to marry a alcoholic NPD after being raised in a alcoholic family and had all of the pre-programming to becoming the raging co-dependent that I am……….I have 3 children and have been in the divorce process for over a year now from a narcissist who continues to display an insatiable appetite for manipulation, deceit and immoral behavior. I am greatly diappointed in myself for never recognizing the red flags earlier as he has betrayed, lied and been abusive for half of our 22 yr. marriage and I wish that I was wiser to save my children the unspeakable emotional pain they continue to be submitted to. Be so thankful if you do not have children with a narcissist as it keeps you forever tied to them and going “no contact ” is impossible. Working on my own issues is the hope for a brighter future. Dedicate your energies to yourself, don’t waste them on a self absorbed N. It is a daily challenge and wishing all of you on this blog…strength, grace and plenty of self-love and self respect to not just survive, but thrive.
I can so relate to all of this … I had SO MUCH rage for staying with a totally self-absorbed narcissist for so long, I was focused so tight on how weird he was, I forgot that also meant I was a bit strange for putting up with it. But ignoring THAT kept me safely out of the way of looking at my own stuff. I get it now …
So I have started … going way back … because that’s where it all began. And I realised I had GREAT REASONS for not doing this, for being so scared, it’s so scary. But what Ididn’t realise is that, as Susan says “it is the most important work you will ever do”. I read so much of what she wrote about how you will feel lighter, you will see other things in your life differently too, you can combine it with doing nice things for yourself when it gets too much etc etc … and I started doingit. Wow, so painful, but as another website I found says “grief is a great relief”. I didn’t reaise that after the pain, things actually change, and your whole being feels profoud relief for having faced it and looked at it. That’s the upside, and also the fact that if you REALLY FACE this stuff, it heals a lot and you feel a lot better.
Do the work, and feel the benefits. Forget the morons you found to distract you, they were the static you carefully went and chose to distract you from doing the work. Move away from all that white noise … and do the work …
Lola
I just want to thank you Susan and all of you, I came to this site tonight feeling EXACTLY what is written. It really is the most incredible thing.
Sweet dreams.
Susan,
Thank you so very much for your tough and loving approach.
My co-dependency and I are my worst enemies. My whole life I have made some really bad decisions regarding men and it has just gotten progressively worse. I get what you mean when you said that I chose men that couldn’t love me so obviously there was a part of me that didn’t really want to be loved. At the core of who I am I believe that I don’t really deserve love, unconditional love that is. This is something that little by little I am working on.
As I found myself reading your advice I felt like I was being chastized, but then I realized that all of it is so true and comes from your heart. Thank you for giving me so much of yourself and your own experiences to help me with mine.
:-)
I’m really going to finally break down and do the Relationship and Life Inventories… (Where can I find them?). Months ago, I read about this but I remember avoiding it at all costs thinking that I could resolve this “situation” within time, but my solution obviously isn’t working for me!
Thank you again Susan. I REALLY appreciate your help and wisdom.
Lane- I agree. I thank my lucky stars that I didn’t have children with this person because then the healing process would be much more difficult. How are you doing?
Lola – “Forget the morons that you chose to distract you from your own work.”…So true. At 40 years old I have never been married, never had a relationship that lasted for more than 2 years, no kids, and when I really think about my choices (poor) I have ALWAYS chosen men that I could not/would not have a future with for whatever reasons. I’ve been avoiding myself by trying to “save” others when in reality I should have been saving myself. Admittedly, this will be extremely difficult to do, but deep inside I know that it is my only option in order for me to be happy.
Thank you for your post.
Giovanna
What a wonderful response. As I read, this thread some questions come to mind as I am still processing my breakup. I am not focusing on him as much as I did but do from time to time need some support and feedback as I move forward on my journey.
Here is my question. I never knew the word narcissist until I came to this group and I have learned a lot! I am a codependent and I recognized this and worked on it as best I could during my four year relationship (if you can call it such). And my insecurities grew with each day we were together for many reasons. How do we really know someone is a narcissist and not behaving that way as a result of our codependent behavior? Does one trigger the other? Reason I ask. My ex blamed me for everything towrds the end. It was because “I” made him mad and therefore he never wanted to make love, spend time with me, or say he loves me. He always said “I am not a puppet on a string”. I ofcourse have taken all the responsibility for the breakup. He said I was too much work! So, how does one determine if someone is a narcissist.
Thanks
lizamtampa,
Labeling isn’t the big issue here really- it’s how he acted. You wrote, “He never wanted to make love, spend time with me, or say he loves me”. That means that the relationship was definitely not a good one- no matter what issues that person had. It helps to learn more about specific personality disorders, but then of course the real focus needs to be how you fit together with that person and why you stayed despite the bad treatment.
From what I’ve read, just like anything, narcissistic behavior is on a continuum. On the one side you have people who fit the description in the manuals for narcissists (you can find a list of characteristics with a search engine, or you might want to go to a website like Web of Narcissism), and then you have people with strong narcissistic traits (which one writer calls the destructive narcissistic pattern- in this case the person is not to the extreme of a narcissist), and then you have a normal amount of narcissism which balanced people should have (which involves loving oneself, taking care of oneself, respecting oneself, and taking care of oneself), and then you have a lack of healthy narcissism (where people are often codependently sacrificing and damage themselves through not taking care of themselves).
As to your ex, you never “made” him anything. His behavior, just like your behavior, was a result of choices (as unthought out and reflexive as they might have been). I think that sometimes when those of us programmed to be codependent in some ways try to control (we think ‘take care’) others, we come across as bossy or controlling. It’s just part of the steps of the dance. In the end, what you probably need to do is just own your business and what you did and chalk it down to not knowing that you didn’t know. I remember reading once that Buddha said, about getting something that you do not want (in the example it was getting anger), if a person offers you a present do you HAVE to accept it? No. So just as you don’t have to accept a present from someone, you don’t have to take his blame. He owns his stuff and he owns his reactive behavior. And you own a much-improved life with him out of it.
Here’s Susan’s post lizamtampa, it might help clear things up:
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/06/17/personality-disorders-ii-narcissism-and-borderline-personality/#comment-22777
Again thank you ! I really commend all of you for sharing and being able to conrtribute your thoughts! I admire that in each of you. I find it challenging to provide any type of feedback to others but know that someday I will.
Thanks
Liza: for the first two years my therapist and my sponsor told me, “You have nothing to share that is of value to others. Be quiet and percolate.” So that is what I did. Eventually I had something to say. ;) So being quiet is not necessarily a bad thing. :)
Beclear,
Thanks for the link. I actually read that before as I thought it would help me and it did. But reading it today, I wonder if I am a borderline, afraid of abondonement, pushing away, … Yuck, this scares me! Because it indicates a borderline will most likely not have a sucessful relationship. I don’t know what I am and I am not trying to label but to understand the whole story and not just parts of it.
Thanks
I really liked what Giovanna states in “My codependency and I are my worst enemies”……When we care more about another’s welfare to our own detriment……it is a slippery slope that we insidiously slide down and get buried into someone’s else’s muck and now we are covered in their stuff and no longer have our own self that we focus on. It is a long journey to discover our authentic self and re-program our self-talk and inner thoughts takes constant mindfulness. We are not mindful of our own thoughts when we are consumed with all of the junk of our narcissitic ex. I have spent months recycling the how? why? I can’t believe he did this……..only to realize that I am still buried under that codependent pile of his muck.
Today, I went to a yoga class for the first time……I loved it and suggest this to all of you. I am trying hard to be kind to myself, especially since I am doing 99.9% of the parenting of my children. For those of us on this blog with children, it is imperative to take some time alone as Susan suggests……..to replenish ourselves so we can pour ourselves out and be present for our children. My prayers go to each of the tender souls on this blog…….each of us deserve to enjoy real love…….not someone who sucks all of the emotions out of us and then walks away and blames it all on us. Refuse to accept it………Release yourself, embrace your genuine self and get ready for the best is yet ahead for each of us when we invest in doing “our work”
Lane, you sound terrific. Congratulations on the yoga. It is true that time alone is IMPERATIVE! I like the word imperative. Something you cannot give up. Thanks for posting.
Hi everyone
I’ve been reading these posts for the past week or so, and it’s done heaps to help with me getting me to grips with the track I need to be on, to love myself, and to get some of that lost self esteem back, understanding that I deserve so much MORE than what my ex and I apparently “shared”. And now it’s time I asked for some advice, before I go completely stir crazy.
We split in July, but since then, it’s been dribbling on horribly – him saying then he wasn’t “sure” but he loved me, being “scared” blah blah blah, coming back again when he got lonely (I suspect) until only last week, when he told me that he needed a couple of weeks of space (again) to work things through in his head, that he didn’t think he was ready to be in a relationship. And “maybe separation is all it’s going to take to make me realise that you’re really the one”. He suggested that he should even go on a few dates, just to rubber stamp the fact that there was no one better out there for him! What kind of logic is that?? “I’ll just have one final sweep to check there’s nothing better than her out there”???!
And then last night I find out that, 1 week after telling me he needs the space to work through things, he’s back on the internet dating website, touting for business again. He’s lied about his age on there, saying he’s 36, and never being married…lining up another poor victim no doubt.
He is 39, I’m 35 and we were together for 18 months, talked of kids, family, future etc. He’s had a history of “running” when the going gets tough, left a marriage at 32 when the IVF got too much for him (he’s unable to have kids natually). He had an extremely messed up childhood, but I do feel that he’s using all of this as an excuse NOT to commit for some built in fear of failure and rock bottom self esteem. The only woman he’s ever truly been in love with was the only one that treated him like utter cr@p. Me treating him nicely just does not seen to be what he was after. How sick and sad. There’s no way he should be anywhere near a woman, me included, but the arrogance, the ego and the NEED to have “someone” just makes me feel like I did not matter a damn.
I put in far more than I got out of this and feel intensely short changed, hurt and let down. I also feel so stupid for ever thinking he’d be any different with me. He told me I’d taught him so much about what real love should be about, that I was the first REAL woman he’d been with and how I knew him better than any other woman on this earth, including his own mother. His dad and step mother (the “nice” side of the family, not the ones he grew up with) adore me and I them and said that they thought I was his best chance at happiness, as I wasn’t one of the silly little shiny girls he usually brought home. They, as well as me, are just beside themselves with this behaviour and turnaround. He will end up a lonely old man – the oldest gigolo in the rest home!!
I consistently ignored the red flags of him having a roving eye for the ladies, but now I realise that, after reading all these wonderful posts, that he’s really NOT the one for me. He’s an extremely attractive 6′3″ well built man with a great body, obviously with an ego to match.
I am an intelligent woman, but the only thing that I feel has really damaged me through all this was that I didn’t always live up to his desire to have the bling bling sparkly supermodel hanging off his arm. I scrub up pretty well, but I’m a REAL WOMAN, and know that friendship, trust and respect, above all else, is what will carry you through the hard times. And I just cannot trust him not to do another U turn, when he comes back, professes his love again…for how long? Another 3,6 months until he gets restless for more attention from someone else??? His inference that my height (I’m 5′3″), my smaller boobs, my lack of cascading dark curls made me somehow less than. All superficial and pathetic I know.
My intense hurt and pain right now comes from the fact that I feel like I’ve been completely cast off and abandoned. 2 weeks ago, my GP thought I had polycystic ovarian syndrome, as my hormone levels were all over the place, and I’d been bleeding. My periods have now stopped but I would dearly love a child and it’s scary, as you can imagine. I am undergoing more tests right now, but his last words to me were “give me a call and let me know how you get on”. No empathy or concern for me. I know it’s not tit for tat, but I’m hurt that at the very least he’d be concerned enough to want to know SOMETHING, or be there for me, after all the times I was for him, when I forgave him, made excuses for the inappropriate behaviour with emails / text messages with other woman – and took him back.
I’d always been the incredibly strong one of the 2 of us, always trying to drag him back up, tell him it would be ok when he got down or scared or unsure, but then, when I was faced with this, the only time in our relationship I ever really needed him, he told me he couldn’t be there for me. I should add that I am British, but living on the other side of the world without any family of my own. He, and his family, were the closest thing I had, and I feel intensely let down and alone.
I have wonderful friends, and although I am positive now that this guy is NOT RIGHT on so many levels, why do I continue to go through this physical and emotional pain? Dry wretching and gagging in the shower and when I brush my teeth each morning, having awful diahorrea, my tummy is constantly in knots. The GP has put me on some anti depressants and anti anxieties and they ARE helping lift my mood slightly. The rational side of me is saying “good riddance” but it’s the other side of me, the side that seems to be governing at the moment, that is really causing me a lot of angst.
While I’m furiously reading and making lists, he’s off on another crusade to get the picture perfect woman, and I get kicked to the curb. So I did have a whaa whaa meltdown last night, as it became so apparent we were in such totally different places.
I am thinking very seriously about heading back to the UK, to a super family who love me very much. I’ve been here for 5 years, so returning is also a scary concept. With the economic situation as it is, I was also made redundant a couple of months back. All very unsettling for even the most together person, but the wheels really are starting to fall off with this latest development with my ex. I guess in a lot of ways, he represented about the only good and long term thing I had here – to have that family and live in a glorious country…despite all these red flags with a man who, on so many levels, just isn’t capable of love. Ironic huh? What a BAD CHOICE I made.
I’ve resolved – very firmly – not to have anything more to do with him. In time, the calls with his family will have to lessen too. Why can’t I get my head around all this, be rational, put that weight back on, start eating again, saying TO HELL with this guy and MEAN it?
I know it’s ok to be scared and overwhelmed, but it’s a real slap in the teeth I just did not deserve and whether it’s a feeling of being rejected, my pride being hurt or abandonment – whatever – I know I can’t go on like this.
Any advice, Susan and others, would be very much appreciated.
Chiara :)
Chiara,
first, let me say, it is absolutely NORMAL what you feel. You are grieving your past relationship that has ended, and even if you figure out how bad it really was or how wrong he was for you, it is still a loss, and you need to grieve that.
He does not sound like he has any concern for you or your wellbeing, which – in my eyes – is already enough of a red flag. It’s good that you see that, and want to leave it behind. But first you need to allow yourself to grieve this loss. Let me recommend two books to you (you will find them in the search bar on the right), “The Grief Recovery Handbook” as well as “The Journey from Abandonment to Healing” (this last one by Susan Anderson).
Read through the posts here, write on the blog, journal, cry, do allow yourself to fall apart, knowing and trusting in the fact that you will come out on the other side. Grieving is not easy (no matter how bad the relationship may have been), and there are all sorts of physical reactions going on, especially in the early stages (you will read about that in the Susan Anderson book, it’s pretty enlightening).
Also, the fact that you are alone in a country (same for me, my family lives in another country) could make you more vulnerable for bad choices. Ie, you may have stayed with this guy also because he seemed your “only family”, ie out of fear (and fear never gives good advice).
He sounds like much less than you deserve. Be good to you, by deciding to leave him behind for good. And then be patient with the “process”.
Greenroses
Thank you for your kind words of support. I’ll certainly have a look at these books. I suppose having been in limbo somewhat for the past 4 months hasn’t helped recovery in any way…but still it feels like I’ve been going through “the process” for an eternity.
The knocks to my self esteem, my looks, my worth were hard ones, even if he didn’t fire them overtly. I have to believe it will get better, but with Xmas and summer approaching, I guess the little girl in me wanted that magic wand to have that family time with them all.
I know I have to stop worrying – it’s eating me up. Too much time that needs to be filled and there’s a part of me that’s so impatient, as I know he wasn’t worth it. I suppose eating and trying to take better care of myself is a good place to start…but it’s as if I don’t matter any more…clothes are all too big, and I’m fed up with people telling me I look like I’m wasting away – that just makes me feel worse…like he’s “won” – getting on like nothing has happened…
Thank you again :)
Chiara,
try to shift your focus – away from him and towards you. It really does not matter what he is up to (someone who treated you badly). This is not a contest. He has not “won” anything. He has lost you, and perhaps now it’s time to focus on winning yourself back. I am sure that deep down you know what is good for you (like starting to eat in a healthy way, caring for yourself, nurturing yourself etc). Trust your gut, and make being good to yourself your number one priority.
PS Chiara, him saying that he needs a break to maybe find out that you are the one is, as you surely know, complete and utter BS. Be glad that you are not exposed to this sickness anymore!
Hi Greenroses – yes utter UTTER RUBBISH! A long and chequered history for him means it’s not so much he’s not into me, probably more he’s not into himself. What a jerk.
I will get these books and spend my time reading and healing from the inside out. I know I am ok and there will be good and bad days, but I’m not the one that’s barking mad.
Moving my heart away from the danger will help. I’ve ironically received a email this morning from him out of the blue (were his ears burning I wonder?), asking me how I was doing and what plans I have for the weekend. I hit ‘delete’ and that’s the way it must stay.
May this pain subside and go away SOON!!! Bad rubbish – “flush, flush” as my friend would say…
I can relate to so many of the stories of pain. It has been 2 yrs that I my breakup occured. I was the one that ended it. Knowing, that it was not healthy, and became so depressed, that I could hardly function.
It was not until I realized, that I needed to take the focus off of his behaviors, and start focusing on me, that the way through, started to happen. I am co-dependant. Grew up in a alcoholic family, and was the chief caretaker. I learned early on that I was the fixer…took on the role willingly, and have carried it through my adult life.
The ex, has kept in constant contact, even though he is with someone new…and has been for 2 yrs. He rebounded, into, a new relationship, with a past love, and did not do the grief work, needed to see what his parts brought to the relationship. He is very controlling, and it was the jealousy, and obsession, that tore us apart. I as married for 20 yrs, with 2 children. A marriage, that was empty. A husband, that took me for granted, and we just found ourselves going through the motions.
I went from a man, that was barely breathing, to a man,to a man, that was so, over the top, that I could not breathe, without telling him.
It has been a long haul, with much pain. Learning about yourself, and the patterns, that we create as co-dependants, is a tough reality, as to why we choose the people that we do. I am learning to love myself, accept myself, for who I am, and what I want to be….it is possible.
It was not until, I shifted that focus, off of him, onto myself, that I finally started to get well….for me, not for him, not to fix, the relationship, but for me.
My counselor, told me, that it is hard, not to find yourself being ” a little selfish”…when you start the hard work of self….putting yourself first…and if anyone tells you you are selfish…just say ” Thankyou”……
You will be ok….take care of your food intake, try to get plenty of sleep, journal, talk to supportive people, but stay focused, on you….and it will get better, one day at a time…and if that seems to long, as it did for me, somedays, then focus on, one minute at a time……
“I’ve been avoiding myself by trying to “save” others when in reality I should have been saving myself. Admittedly, this will be extremely difficult to do, but deep inside I know that it is my only option in order for me to be happy.”
Wow. I’ve only just come to realise this truth. And it’s soul crushing. My entire adult life I’ve always put myself last, and never lived up to my potential as a result. I’ve treated myself abominably, while treating narcissists (two of them, plus my father) like kings.
My world is currently crashing in all around me as a result of my last encounter with a narcissist. I never realised that my co-dependency hid my authentic-self, but now I know, I’m letting my false-self crumble. Yet I continue to pine for him, a man who wanted only to dominate and destroy me, and who held me in contempt for too long. I haven’t had contact with him for two months, but I feel livid with envy to have inadvertently heard that he has moved on so spectacularly with his life, while I’m trembling at the bottom of a well.
The rawness feels horrendously scary, and I find myself unable to sleep or eat, with diarrhoea most of the day, and a feeling of existential dread throughout. I’m lurching from one day to the next, dressed in black when I usually celebrate colour, grieving for everything I was too blind to see. I feel like a ghost rattling around my apartment..
Reading humanistic philosophy is helping, but my thoughts are obsessive. I think I’m going to channel them into creative writing, I need to place my thoughts outside myself, to tend to them truthfully, and (re?)cast them out into the world. I’m having trouble telling truth from fiction any more, I have no idea why I was so brutally devalued, and the more I think about it, the more confused I feel.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I can relate to your words: I want you all to soar again, and I have no doubt that you will.
Hello Elodie,
It’s good to know that someone is dealing with a lot of the same issues as me:
1) Being livid,
2) Pining for someone whose only intention was to conquer, destroy and then demonstrate contempt for us when we were still alive,
3) Obsessive thoughts
4) Not understanding why we were so brutally devalued
5) Confusion…and many other emotions.
I am still struggling with this on a daily basis and I wonder when it will stop.
Realizing and trying to remain focused on my co-dependence issues has brought me some salvation, but in my darkest moments (mainly when I wake up in the middle of the night, or when I first open the door to my apartment) thoughts of this unbelievably horrible situation still antagonize my brain.
Little by little I feel that I am becoming stronger and I hope that you find yourself feeling the same way! :-)
Susan says to trust in the process so I go forward each day, some better than others, but still forward (even though some days I take steps back). I don’t know where or when I am going to arrive at a better point, but at least I know that my stomach is not in “knots” like it was when I was with him.
I hope the best for you, me and everyone else in this forum.
Love,
Giovanna