The comments on the original post are now over 500 and it takes a while to load, so I’m reposting it (with no changes).
Gentle reminder because this post gets linked to a lot from other blogs and websites but sometimes someone will just post it without full credit: If you copy this post please include the name and address of the blog (Getting Past Your Past http://GettingPastYourPast.wordpress.com) and my name (Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.) with it otherwise it is copyright infringement. Providing a hyperlink only is not sufficient.
There are 3 “phases” of grief: 1) shock and denial, 2) great emotion, 3) acceptance, reorganization and integration.
The bulk of grief work is done in the middle phase which is where all the emotional turmoil takes place.
Phase One: Shock and Disbelief
Sometimes when a breakup is sudden, it seems too much to deal with and the mind goes numb, shutting down and refusing to deal for a time. It could be a minute, a day, weeks or months. Sometimes people stay in contact to avoid truly moving on or facing the cold, hard fact that they have broken up. They will call each other, write each other, not tell friends and family and generally play the “if I don’t acknowledge it maybe it will go away” game. If one person is taking it hard and maintaining contact, the other may indulge them for a while, unsure of how to go on from here. Either way, both people are in denial and need to decide if they are broken up or if they’re not.
To move through this phase, acknowledge that you had a loss and resolve to work through it.
Phase Two: Review and Painful Relinquishment
If you are the person who did not see the breakup coming, the shock stage will probably last longer. You may feel as if you were punched in the solar plexus. You might feel as if the world is moving beneath your feet. You may feel that there is an unimaginable void in your world that you can’t do anything about. You may feel lost, and alone, and in incredible pain. These are the normal emotions of grief.
Review is a necessary part of the grief process. This can be upsetting because it may seem like you cannot stop thinking about your relationship or your ex. You might recount the breakup scene over and over again. You wish your mind would shut it all off, but it doesn’t. It seems to continue on and on.
This can be maddening, but it is necessary to review the relationship in order to work through it and be over it. Thinking about them constantly does not mean that you can’t get over it, it means that you are getting over it. While it can be crazy-making, the constant rumination is about letting go, not holding on. Yes it will drive you crazy but just know that the healing process DEMANDS that you play the movie in your head over and over again to sift through the ruins. To cry about the good times, to get angry (again) about the bad times, to wonder where it all went wrong. Yes, this phase is HARD and it HURTS but its necessary. Don’t think that just because you can’t think of anything else that there is anything wrong with you or that you’ll never get over it. You will.
During this time journal about it, talk about it, walk the floors and wring your hands, curse the process but let it happen. Avoid getting in touch with the ex to share any little insightful nuggets you may come up with. It’s not worth it and it only postpones the process.
Devastation
Let’s go back to the breakup scene. The person you are in love with, and whom you thought was in love with you, says it’s over. Even if it was expected, even if you were not getting along, even if you knew there was a chance that things were not going to work out, you are devastated.
If you did not see it coming, you’re even more devastated. If it ended because they cheated on you, or they lied to you, or they abused you in some way, it’s even more devastating. Even if some of those traumatic scenes did not happen to you, do not minimize your feelings. Do not say, “Oh, but it didn’t happen in a bad way.” It happened the way it happened, and it hurts, and that’s all you need to know. Do not rationalize or justify your feelings away. Your feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. Let them be.
If you are feeling your feelings, you might feel devastated and unable to cope. You feel deep sorrow and searing emotional pain whether or not the breakup was a good thing or not. Do not mistake the amount of pain you feel for the amount of love you had for that person. Your level of pain has to do with your own sensitivity, the other unresolved losses in your life, and how many secondary losses you may have experienced as a result of this breakup. The pain is normal and healthy even if it feels like it is not.
Disorganization and Confusion
After a breakup, you might also feel physically incapacitated in some way. You have trouble sleeping, or you sleep too much. You can’t think. You become accident-prone. You have trouble putting a sentence together. You have no idea what’s going on. This is normal. It is all part of the disorganization of grief. You feel scattered; you feel overwhelmed by feelings.
Grieving causes confusion and disorganization. For the grief process to be successful, emotion must be expressed, and the disorganization and confusion tolerated as a normal response. Be gentle with yourself during these many iterations of the grief process. Allow the normal and natural grief process to happen. It is an ultimately healing process and you will be glad you went through it.
The sadness and disorganization feels extreme to people who are experiencing it for the first time. This is often when people try to shut it down and repress what they are feeling. Don’t do it. It’s hard but allow yourself to fall apart; allow yourself the disorganization and confusion. Recognize that you are accident-prone, and take care, especially when driving. People should not drive drunk, but often they should not drive when they are grieving. You might not be okay to drive on a day-to-day basis, or some days might be worse than others. Recognize when you’re not capable of driving, and be responsible toward yourself and toward others on the road. They didn’t do anything to you; they don’t deserve to be hurt because you’re not being responsible.
There will be days when your mind feels fuzzy, like you have a mental flu or something. You might find yourself unable to remember things. You might miss appointments or forget important matters. Write things down. Keep your schedule light. Realize you’re going through something and don’t chastize yourself for being forgetful. Try to put some reminders in place and don’t overload your schedule. Be gentle with yourself.
Anger
After a breakup, anger is an appropriate reaction. When something has been taken away, people feel angry. Feeling the anger is okay. Acting on the anger is not. You can and should acknowledge your anger, own your anger, write about your anger, talk about your anger and eventually it will dissipate. What you should not do is act out or lash out in anger. That is not okay.
If you try to repress your anger because you think that your anger is “unacceptable” or “bad” or “wrong” it will manifest itself in other ways. Some people refuse to acknowledge anger but go through life taking it out on other people, acting irritated all the time, being prone to bad moods and acting generally foul and bitter. These are all variations of unexpressed anger. If you have been going through life in an unexplained sour mood, you may have anger issues.
Facing the anger for the first time may result in not just feeling angry, but feeling rageful. Acknowledging your losses and your anger can be overwhelming. It’s good to acknowledge it and let it out but not to TAKE IT OUT on anyone. Be mindful when you are driving or interacting with other people that you are angry and don’t take your anger out on the wrong people. That is NOT okay. It’s not even okay to take it out on the person who is the reason for your anger. Your anger belongs to you. Own it. Deal with it.
These are ways to deal with anger:
1. Write to the people you are angry with, including your parents and former lovers, just make sure you don’t send the letters.
2. Talk to friends.
3. Talk to your therapist.
4. Hit a heavy bag.
5. Smash old dishes.
6. Exercise.
There is an expression that depression is anger turned inward. Conversely, anger is often sadness turned outward. After you express anger you may feel incredibly sad and exhausted. Working out anger often leads to sadness and visa versa. Know that sadness and anger are two sides of the same coin.
Guilt
Guilt is a normal part of the grief process. No matter how good you were in the relationship, we are human, and there will always be guilt about what was done or not done, what was said or not said. The guilt can lead you to think you caused the breakup, and if you just apologize enough or do things differently, it will all be okay. You cannot move on if you still think you can fix it, or obsess about what you did or did not do. Guilt often comes from thinking we have control where we have none. Guilt stems from our inability to accept what has happened, and a misguided sense of having power over the situation of being able to go back and fix it.
There is no way to go back and redo it, and even if you could, it does not change the outcome. What happened has happened. Going back is not going to be productive. Everyone makes mistakes, and if you made a really horrible mistake, if you did something really terrible, doing this work and healing yourself and taking responsibility for your actions is the most important form of amends that you can make to yourself and others.
Dwelling on the past is not going to change things. Obsessing about trying to change things, or being guilty, is keeping you from your work. Even if you could change it, it’s over. Deal with that.
Searching
After any loss, the mind tries to put the world back the way it was. If someone or something is lost, there is an impulse to look for it. It is the mind’s way of reordering the world the way it “should” be. This results in the urge to search.
Even people who have experienced the death of a loved one experience the urge to search. They will look for a deceased person in a crowd or find themselves dialing them on the phone. This is a normal and natural part of the grief process where the mind tries to suspend reality and put things back the way it was.
When the person is alive and there was a breakup, this is often when people will try to open up communications with the ex. Recognize that the urge to search is part of the grieving process and you should not act on it. When you are pining and searching, you are in a temporary state and anything you say now can and will be held against you at a later date.
It is uncomfortable but it passes…the less you give into it, the easier it gets. The more you give into it, the harder it gets. You don’t want to lose your way or get into an accident…you want to stay strong and know where you are. Journal. Write letters to the ex that you don’t mail. Sit on your hands. Call a friend and say you’re going crazy can you talk. Go to a movie. Do SOMETHING but don’t connect.
The desire to search for and recover that which has been lost is a very primal desire and it feels like a compulsion or an impulse that must be acted upon. Don’t do it. It’s not going to help. Tolerate the searching feelings without reaching back. It gets better if you don’t give into the searching behavior. Sit with it and know that it passes and that it gets better.
You will cycle through all these emotions several times. It’s hard and it hurts but get enough rest, have support in your life, eat right, exercise and start finding new interests and new friends.
You can get through the feelings. It’s all just temporary. YOU CAN DO THIS.
Its funny seeing this again tonight, it was the first post i ever read on here (nearly 3 months ago now i think) and reading it again reminds me of how desperately i clung on to the words. It was just after my break up and nothing else made sense. Explaining the emotions of grief like this made me feel normal and part of something; a process, an understanding, myself even perhaps. I went on to read Mourning theory again and again and then the rest of the articles. But this is the article that attracted me to this site for sure.
For anyone coming to this for the first time make sure you check out the post on the last phase when you are ready, i didn’t find it till weeks later. I guess when i was ready.
good idea!!! Here it is:
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2007/07/31/the-last-phase-of-grief-reorganization-integration-and-acceptance/
I am hoping that maybe someone can speak to dealing with a break up when you are the person who did the breaking up. I dated a wonderful man for almost three years, but I realized eventually that I didn’t love him in a way that I thought was right for the rest of my life. He didn’t do anything wrong. I just knew that I didn’t want to marry him, despite his wonderful qualities and the fact that we had a good life together, and it felt wrong to stay with him just because things were comfortable or out of guilt or out of fear of the unknown. So I broke up with him and it was very painful for him and for me. I think he was taken by surprise and I spent a lot of energy worrying about and feeling his pain, as though they were my responsibility.
Anyway, I really appreciate reading so many helpful suggestions about letting go, but I thought I would speak up as someone who made the decision to break up. My ex and I broke up a year ago, and while I have felt the relief and peace of knowing that I made the right decision, I have been plagued by the guilt and self-flagellation of having hurt someone I love/loved and the confusion at having given up a good relationship and a good man. Yesterday I learned that my ex has a girlfriend and it sent me into a tailspin of emotions that I won’t write here. What I do want to say, is that I realized that I am like one of those Victorian widows and that I put on a black dress a year ago when I decided to end the relationship and hurt my best friend. I have been wearing that black dress of mourning for a year, and though it was my doing, and although I have taken care of myself (eating, exercise, hobbies, etc) and I have dated, I am just realizing the hold that this black dress has had on me and on my life. It’s been a shroud in so many ways. I feel sad and jealous having found out that my ex is with someone new, but I also feel that this may be a blessing in disguise. Perhaps this is the universe giving me the sign/permission that I need to take off my black dress. I have worn it for a year and that is more than enough, given the circumstances. I don’t mean that I can just suddenly will myself to stop feeling sadness and grief for what I gave up, but all of this guilt is only keeping me from moving on in the ways that I need to.
Anyway, that was a really long post and I do actually have a question for Susan and for other readers. How would you modify the breakup reduxes for a situation in which you made the decision to break up but still feel tremendous grief and guilt? Recognizing that grief is a process and that we will always hold love in our hearts for those we have loved, how does one take off her figurative black dress? I can’t describe how much I would appreciate your thoughts on that.
I don’t think it’s any different. Guilt is part of the grief process no matter who did the breaking up. At some point you have to let it go. I made the decision to break up several relationships and then suffered awful grieving periods. I loved this person but he (or in the case of a few friendships–she) was no longer good for me or no longer treating me right or just wasn’t right for me.
You take off the black dress when you’re ready. He’s obviously moved on and good for him…now it’s time for you to do the same.
Alexa,
I too have been the one who initiated the breakup and it was very painful. Also, I think it is absolutely normal to feel hurt by the fact that you discovered he has a new girlfriend. None of us likes being “replaced”, and it’s (for committed relationships) not unusual to keep this person in one corner of your heart (even if it was the right decision to break up), so learning such news will always be hurtful to some extent, and even if you are mostly “over” someone. Accepting that can actually be freeing, as it means you do not try to reach “perfection” whilst you are only human and thus not perfect.
I agree with Susan, you take the black dress off when you are ready (actually, when reading your post, I firstly was not sure whether this “dress” was real or not – glad it isnt…..;-)
I guess I’m not sure how to take it off. Maybe I’ll know when I’m ready?
Sometimes you just need to decide enough is enough. It sounds like its enough.
Alexa – I too broke up my marriage of 7 years. And my ex seemed to move on much easier than I (of course that was my take-who knows if he really did). Sometimes I think the guilt of doing the breakup is as hard, if not harder, than the other way around. I think hearing about his ex is the only thing that is stopping you from taking of the dress. Sometimes jealousy can cloud our true feelings and keep us from moving forward. See it for what it truly is. It is time to let go of the guilt (as he has apparently forgiven you-if he’s moved on) and move on. Good luck!
Susan, I have to tell you that your way of tackling the topic of getting past your grief is unique. I have tried so many methods, websites, support groups, councellors. I have started the grieving process at least 4 times over and over again, always slipping back into being manipulated, being disappointed once more, starting with the so well-described by you grieving process again and …finding myself in the same situation about a year or 2 later.No one – until now – said it as clearly as you to me – to be able to grieve properly and only once: ‘NO CONTACT’ for example or “dont suppress your feelings. “Reject he rejecter” and “be good to Susi”. And do write a letter to the person that hurts you, BUT do NOT send it!!!These new insights and suggestions will hopefully give me another push into reaching true freedom, and specially not being manipulated into he hope that “it could possibly well work out, if I..” Oh, and yes, “own your grief and deal with it, don’t put onto someone else”.This is uncomfortable, but fundamental – I never realised that. So, let me start again and hopefully – this time – I will obercome that steep hill and NOT roll back again, because someone on the road gave me roses, and lured me into old habits…
Good luck Susi it sounds like you are really ready for this :) x
Thank you Susi. It’s no secret on here that I went to therapy for over 10 years with 2 fantastic therapists (both great great therapists and exceedingly different) and attended (and sometimes still do) an incredible number of 12 step programs, studied with Lou Tice and John James, got my masters in counseling psychology and practiced as a private therapist and psychiatric clinician for five years before going to law school. As well as reading every self-help book on the planet for about 10 years.
What’s here is the best of the best of what worked for me and others (not only clients when I was a practicing therapist but people I sponsored in 12 step and people I’ve mentored over the years).
Although I’ve coined a few of the phrases on here or used them in a mantra sort of way, most of what is on here is what I’ve learned from others. What’s original is the way I put it together and what pieces I found (in the sea of resources) tend to help people more than others.
While I’d like to take credit for the whole shebang, I can’t and I hope I do a good job of crediting others when I’m parroting their teachings. (I was working on the bibliography to the book yesterday and it’s pages and pages long).
But I’m glad that it’s here and it makes sense to others. When I set out to develop it, I wasn’t sure how much needed more explanation and what didn’t. Thanks for the feedback. It really helps.
my question is – When my husband got ill after we were married 15 years. I became codependent, the first 15 years were great. If I would have recognized my codependency at the time and then or at some point during the next 19 years, could our marriage have been saved? Is there still a chance that we could work things out, being that I recognize my codependency? He did not have drinking issues, but either depression or a reactive narcissistic personality disorder. We have been separated for 4 months.
I don’t need an answer, I just read it for myself in the post, Being the Bad Guy. Ok, I’ll just move on. I knew that but was on one of my what if rollercoaster rides when I sent the post on Aug. 23.
I’ll make it. I have to.
Dottie,
can I just say this? I congratulate you. I am proud of you, because to be honest, I did not know whether to respond or not (well, I certainly don’t know the specifics and do not feel I have the right to evaluate such a complicated situation, for that matter), but I am glad you picked yourself up! That is what is most important! Pat yourself on the back for that!
Dottie – if you can face stuff like that and think ‘I’ll make it’ that makes me think you are one tough cookie and will do more than just ’survive’. Keep going x
Thank you so much, Greenroses and Hintofred. I gave of myself for so long and no one ever gave me such words of encouragement. I’ll accept your golden words and say “thank you!” A little background – I believed my husbands’ mental illness warrented my care. which I gave him unconditionally, but that unconditional love, compassion and care put me deeper into codependency. You can not set boundries with a mentally ill person and when you leave after 34 years of marriage, I was discarded. I gave up a wonderful high paying job as a speech pathologist, and am now without money or health insurance. I do however have myself and am rebuilding my life. My school wants me back to sub for a few months, and am certified to teach reading (which has been a dream of mine). I have myself to rely on and the encouragement from you all when I find myself starting to “what if.” God bless all of you.
Susan-
This is somewhat unrelated but I occasionally reference your blogs but I’ve never done a full copy on my own blog- is that permissible? Usually I sum up a concept or two and include a link and mention the idea is coming from your blog.
symbolicgodzilla:
I’m sure Susan will respond to you directly. However, in the meantime, be sure to check our her Legal disclaimer (link below).
Based on a quick scan of what she has provided, the answer is no. But again, I defer to Susan as it is her content and site.
Take care,
SmilingAngel
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/copyright-notice/
I can empathize with many of the feelings described here. I was let go after a 10-year relationship with a wonderful woman who I neglected over the last couple of years or so by not acknowleding how how important she was in my life… All this time she loved me unconditionally and she became my life’s best friend ever. I always considered ourselves to be soulamtes to each other. But now she found someone else who made her feel special deservingly so…Needless to say the pain has been immense…the griving process seems to be endless…I have tried everything and after almost three months I feel I am finally coming to terms with the fact that she is gone. I have done all kinds of bargaining to try to regain her love for me. The rollercoaster of emotions and grief stages is still continuous, but I can seemyself moving forward…very slowly though… She is a great person and I can see her pain for me as well. As I go through the grieving process, I am trying to focus on the good times and how meaningful was the time we spent together. I am a better man because of her. In spite of all the infinite pain. I realize eventually time will help heal my pain so I can move on with someone else. I’d be lyiing if I did not admit that my hope is that she will someday come back to me, but if that does not happen I am grateful I shared the most wonderful time of my life as a man with her and I truly wish her happiness even if with someone else. It’s just not easy when you lose the love of your life…not easy at all…
Serge
This article is great and describes pretty much the stage that I’m at – searching. It’s been almost 6 months since I broke up an undefined relationship that was “perfect” for him but I had no idea we were in a relationship already! I was waiting to discuss our exclusivity, needs, expectations and increasing the frequency of our dates. According to me, we were in the “getting to know each other” stage and because we were both very busy individuals and both had family issues that needed to be straighten out first, we were seeing each other infrequently. I made my needs known from the first time and we respected each other’s needs but mine were eventually ignored; he became comfortable and complacent and as a result distant and unresponsive. I brought up my concerns and at this time I learned that we apparently were in a relationship as it was posted in “facebook”; I was floored at this childish way of communication but nonetheless I guess I still had “hope” to have him in my life that I decided to “downgrade” the apparent relationship to “friendship”. But in reality I realized it was my way of easing myself into the grieving process without exposing myself to the other person’s verbal lashings and anger, which I had experienced in previous relationships and I was not going to allow it this time. The first three months were mentally torturing as I examined the number of times I was ignored and mentally “played” with. As I was easing off from the grieving process, I receive a call from him wanting to reconnect in one way or another but I was still angry and in no shape of answering his calls. I wanted to move on with all my might but his calls did not help. I finally gave in but he never answered the calls; I regret giving in b/c it re-opened up the wounds by his continued lack of responsiveness. I finally told him not to contact me anymore in any way; haven’t heard from him and now I’m find myself reviewing his contradictory behavior. I’ve been in therapy for other reason and certainly I reviewed this “relationship” with my therapist but I feel that talking about it is not diminishing my pain nor shortening the grieving process; and I want it to be over with b/c I want to love and be loved again. I’m so anxious for the day I no longer wake up and think about him anymore. I just wish the grieving process doesn’t have to be this painful and lengthy but I realize also that I must go through it with the hope that I don’t become disconnected and angrier.
I can totally sympathize with many of you. I broke off a nearly two year relationship in April 2008. It’s now the end of March in 2009 – nearly a year after we broke up, and I still feel so much pain. I really loved the man I was in a relationship with. We were so compatible and comfortable together. I am in so much emotional pain. Some days it’s just too unbearable. I wonder sometimes so I will make it through. He was great – so easy to talk to and funny. We loved doing things together. We especially loved just hanging out and cooking or baking together. I met him while I was still engaged. I was unhappy with my engaged relationship and meeting Jason gave me the courage to leave my unhealthy relationship with my fiance. Jason basically swept me off my feet. I had known him through business for some time, and I was always smitten by his good looks and charming, intelligent personality. We went out to lunch while I was still engaged. I broke up with my fiance the next day – I just knew I wanted to be with him. The next nearly two years was a whirlwind of fun. I just loved being with him. There were red flags, however, that I chose to overlook. He did not have a very stable career as he was in the beginning of starting a new business, but he had been successful in his past career endeavors, so I chose to overlook his new performance. I wished he was more ambitious in getting his business up and running, though. It bothered me that while I would get up every morning and head to work, he would still be in bed with no agenda for the day. He was very intelligent and personable. I thought he could do better for himself. His personal life also seemed to be a mess, while he was reliable and loyal, his house was a mess of unfinished projects. His house seemed to fall into more disarray as our relationship went on. I sometimes felt responsible, as if spending time with me was taking him away from these projects. He didn’t seem worried that he wasn’t getting tasks done or that he didn’t have a steady job or that he was living off his investments. That really bothered me. I’m a career-oriented person, and I knew that I needed someone that shared a similar mindset. Still I loved him so much. I cannot even express how much he meant to me. I decided to hang in longer. I was also bothered because he dated his last girlfriend for 10 years, with no committment. She cheated on him and they broke up. He never seemed as peace with their relationship ending. I always felt that she still had feelings for him. Sometimes she would call when I was at his house. He never answered the calls while I was there, but said that she was an important person in his life at one point, and that he still cared about her. That really bothered me. I didn’t talk to my ex anymore. I wanted to give Jason the respect of having me clear headed. I wanted Jason to give me that same level of respect. The biggest thing that bothered me was that he never talked about the future and he never initiated by telling me that he loved me. If I said to him, he would say it back, but he never initiated it himself. I’m not a person who needs someone to say that all the time, but sometimes it feels good to hear it. He was 36 when we broke up. I was 30. I was looking, at this stage in my life, for stability and committment. I really wanted Jason and I to have a future together. I didn’t want to get married yet, but I wanted us to start putting down a foundation and to start including “us” in our future plans. One day, after nearly two years of dating, I decided to ask him how he felt about us and our future. He basically said that he didn’t know what he wanted, and that while he really cared for me and that he’d like to put a smile on my face, he didn’t really see anything for us in the future. He said ever since he and his ex girlfriend broke up, his life is a blank page and and empty vaccuum and he doesn’t know what he wants from his life. I asked him (in tears at this point) if I should just cut my losses. He said that he doesn’t feel he deserves me. The next day, we talked more. He agreed that he needed to change and that what we had was a good thing. I said okay and left to go home. We continued to hang out normally that week. The next weekend, I spend Friday night as usual. The next morning we were eating breakfast together and the phone rang – it was his ex. I immediately got angry and told him that what was I suppost to think – he told me last week that he saw no future, and I don’t think that we should be together if he sees no future. We basically talked for three hours, eventually agreeing that it would be a good idea to breakup for a little while and see what happends until he figures his life out. It was a very emotional conversation, with both of us crying a lot. He finally told me three times that day that he loved me. I was upset that it took a breakup for him to open up. We continued to communicate regularily over the next few months. It was horribly painful. I tried dating and throwing myself in my job. I was miserable. I missed Jason so much. I hated every date that we went on. I had one good date in December with a guy that I’ve known for awhile. Since we knew each other, it was comfortable. We ended up getting a little drunk and getting physical. This situation really upset me, because I know that if I was thinking clearly, I wouldn’t have let myself do that. I just missed Jason and was excited to finally have a fun evening with someone. While this guy is still my friend, I’m angry and embarrassed with myself. Every day that goes by, I blame myself for ending this relationship. I would have thought that Jason would have come back to me by now, but he seems perfectly happy lounging around, playing soccer with his friends. I haven’t talked with him in a month. I decided to move closer to my family and transfer my job, so I called to let him know. During this last conversation, I told him that I was so hurt and angry and that I thought he was very immature. I asked him why he had no direction in his life. He shut down and gave no answer. I felt I had no choice but to move on with my life. I moved back to my hometown, about an hour away from the area where I had formerly lived and Jason lived nearby. I bought a condo and started a new job for the same company, but in this area. I still am so hurt. I would give anything to be back in my old life, in my small apartment, being with Jason. Deep down I know that I want more from my life, though. It still hurts so bad. I wonder if I will ever feel better. If someday I will look at all of this and say “oh, that’s why that happened.” I don’t know. I just can’t get over all this guilt and blame, and that’s what hurts so bad. I keep trying to tell myself that if Jason didn’t realize what he had and didn’t come back to me, that maybe that it wasn’t meant to be. I also tell myself that do I really want to be with a guy with no direction or stability? Probably not. Still it’s hard, because I love him. He’s 37 now – that’s old enought to start to find direction in your life. Argh. I’m so sad, though. I’m normally a vibrant person. Sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed and do things I love to do, like go running. I’ve considered going on anti-depressants, but I don’t want to be a zombie or out of my personality. Maybe I just need to grieve and think that better times are ahead. Any advice on getting through this or getting through this blame? I keep thinking that maybe if I would have stayed in, things would have gotten better. I don’t know!
Nat,
This is hard and it sucks! Things probably woulnd’t have gotten better. He didnt’ make a commitment with someone after 10 years. He chose not to change and do his work when you broke up. Your heart still wants him but your brain knows better. It hurts and we want something that the other person isn’t willing to work on to get. Also we keep asking the questions: “what if, but, if only”. And it doesnt’ matter.
Have you read any of the books Susan suggets? “Grief Recovery” and “Women Who Love Too Much” would be my first suggestions. This is a process that isn’t easy. Are you no contact? It truly is one of the hardest things to do but over time will truly help you a lot.
I hope you can focus on something today that will help bring a smile to your day.
Hugs,
M