Edited post from 12/06
“I am always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.” - Winston Churchill
When I first started my journey toward wholeness, I spent a lot of time wishing that someone would feel sorry for me, take pity on me, see that I had been through a lot.
My first therapist did not feel sorry for me but told me what I needed to hear. My support group could be brutally honest as well.
One dear friend told me if I was looking for sympathy I would find it “in the dictionary between sh&% and syphillis.” Harsh words but ones that helped me to realize that there was no prize in getting sympathy. There was only a prize in hearing the truth about me. And if the truth is told with love and caring, it is a great truth indeed. Some of the greatest truths are harsh to hear.
My therapist shot straight from the hip and told me the truth about me. It was very hard to hear a lot of the time. Examples: I could be abrasive, controlling, manipulative and dishonest. I could avoid responsibility and be a whiner. I took people hostage and attacked situations “like Sherman took Richmond.” She told me that I needed to slow down and look at what I was doing. She told me that I felt sorry for myself like a champion of pity and blamed people, places and things for my particular connundrum.
And that was all well and good UNLESS I wanted to get better. Then it needed to stop. And in order to stop I needed to hear and LISTEN TO the truth about me. I needed to listen to the cold, hard truth about what was up with (wrong with) me.
I had been abused and abandoned, YES, that was true. I had been a victim, YES, that was true. But the only thing I could do NOW was either heal from that or allow it to continue to fester and make my life worse. Feeling sorry for myself or using those things as excuses was not going to help matters and had been keeping me from helping myself. The only thing I could do anything about was ME and focusing on them (especially my recently separated husband and his new girlfriend) was not going make ME or MY LIFE better. In fact, the focus on them was going to keep the focus off me, where it belonged.
I needed to do my work, my grief work, my historical stew work, attend to my thinking disorders and my behavioral disorders. I needed to get right with me.
When I was a practicing therapist, I often told people things they did not want to hear. As a teacher now, I tell people things they don’t always want to hear. I refuse to feel sorry for people because sympathy doesn’t help the matter and we all know where you can find it.
My greatest teachers shot straight from the hip. Not all criticism is equal. Not all feedback is good for you. There is a BIG difference between constructive and destructive criticism. Constructive criticism is good for the soul and propels you forward. It doesn’t mean that it sounds sweet and pretty but that it is given in the spirit of helping with your life.
If the criticism comes from a source where your best interest has not always been a consideration (an ex, a dysfunctional family), ignore it. If you are changing your life for the better and some people can’t handle it and are sending “Get back where you belong.” messages, ignore it. If it comes from a source that wants what is best for you and has no attachment to the outcome other than your best interest, consider it.
Listening to the truth, the REAL truth, not from bullies who want to control us, but from friends who want to save us from ourselves, is hard but it is where our greatest learning happens. Learn to be open to it and to find the pearl of wisdom in the harsh truth. It will also teach us to be truthful, brutally truthful, with ourselves. And it is in that truth that growth happens.
We do need time to nurture ourselves and to have others nurture us and our teachers do that as well. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down but a spoonful of sugar without any medicine is not good for us. We need to listen to loving, supportive people who sometimes give us the harsh truth about what we need to change. We need to trust those who act as a mirror for us. We need to find and listen to people with no hidden agendas (unlike the critical dysfunctional naysayers we are used to whose agenda is to control us with criticism) who will help us HEAR what we need to hear and do what we need to do. People who will be the wind beneath our wings and not put us down.
People who can say, “This is what I see you doing wrong…” without judgment and who follow up with, “You might want to try this instead.” and when you try that, it works. That is someone who has your best interest in mind. Even if the message was tough, it is helpful and life-changing. Our teachers are not always who we want them to be and don’t always say what we want them to say…but learn to be a student of the truth, rather than a student of what is easy to hear. Stop looking for sympathy or easy answers. Learn to be open to the truth, from skillful teachers, about you and to use that truth to your greatest advantage.
Thanks for this post. I would like to add: Learn to be open to your own inner teachers, as well. When we learn to trust our own feelings and our gut, we learn to be courageous and responsible in our actions and choices. I had this little voice inside me that told me so often to leave, but it took a long while for me to actually listen to that voice and do it. Well, at least I have done it, finally.
When my past relationship was going totally downhill (although it had been really trying since a long time before that already), I started to go to a therapist as I felt desperate and wanted some support. My ex was a very judgmental guy, and after a while, when we used to argue, he would say “yeah, it may be that this therapy helps YOU, but it does not help US at all”. Suffice to say, he would not join me in going to the therapist (something he would not think highly of).
I remember one day when a friend told me to take care of myself first, just like they say on an airplane “pull the oxygen masks to yourselves first before helping others” and when I mentioned that I was in therapy, he said “that is great, you are working on your issues, your boyfriend should really appreciate that”. Well, I did not mention the criticism I was confronted with instead, but it made me feel so sad.
I totally agree re. the difference between constructive and destructive criticism. There is a saying, “the true friend tells you the bitter truth”, and we should aspire to not only listen gratefully to those kind of friends, but to be friends with ourselves in the same way. Being true to myself was always my life’s motto in a way, and living in a way that forced me to partly lie to myself hurt me deeply. Hence I feel so relieved now, despite all sadness and being or feeling lonely so often. I think that will change in time also (by working on it!), but the most important thing remains: having the courage to be true to oneself.
By not looking for sympathy and not feeling overly sorry for ourselves, we take responsibility and also may feel the lightness of not seeing ourselves as “the center of the world”, not taking ourselves too seriously, being able to laugh about ourselves also (especially at the weaknesses!).
And listening to the inner teachers.
Some random thoughts from me…
The truth does ring true.. but sometimes it’s been so long since someone has said something REALLY true to you that it’s hard not to mistake the closest thing to the truth (which may still be pretty far off) to what’s actually true.
Philosophers used to argue about the definition of pleasure. I believe one group of philosophers believed that pleasure is the absence of pain.
Now, anyone who has eaten a REALLY delicious chocolate cake knows that that isn’t true, but if you’re dying of starvation and handed a crusty old loaf of bread, you can definitely mistake the absence of pain for pleasure.
In other words, it’s relative. Like Susan lived through, if your first boyfriend beat you, and your second boyfriend never hit you but insulted you, it’s easy to think that this is the best you’re going to get, because your internal measuring stick hasn’t yet had the opportunity to see just how wonderful an SO can really be.
So I’m back dating now, and recently spent a month in Mexico for work purposes. I dated a guy while I was there, keeping it at least physically casual (e.g. No sex) although we became very emotionally close and I was reminded what a supportive friend and helpmeet a guy who genuinely cares can be.
Because of the barriers that are in our way, I don’t really think Fate intended for us to end up together, but instead, I think Fate was throwing both of us a bone, reminding us that “kindred spirits” (as Anne of Green Gables would put it) ARE out there waiting to light our lives, and we shouldn’t settle for less.
Sorry random rambling and hopefully not thread-jacking…
Reb
I agree with you, Greenroses. It is about “having the courage to be true to oneself.” When I am true to myself and listen to “my inner teachers” it allows me to hear whatever truth is out there - among others.
Listening to my own inner truth improves my “ear” so to speak. It’s taken me a long time to trust myself but I’m there now: I trust myself. That’s my stable core that someone was talking about on another thread.
I listen to others, what they have to say about me and the world, but then it is I who decide. It’s when I don’t trust myself that I get into trouble. I trust my judgment. And like Melody Beattie has said, I trust what I know.
I really like what you have to write here Susan, and especially all of the incisive commenters as well. I have been lurking here for awhile and haven’t really written anything here, 1) no energy 2) I am not sure if I can contribute anything worthwhile (I have not read any of the authors on your list), other than my sad sob story. And then I saw this post. I need to hear the cold truth and well, herein lies the catalyst.
Hello my name is Lola and I suffer from a broken heart…
My ex dumped me last fall. He told me he wanted time and space and didn’t want to be in a relationship. I was 100% committed to him and felt utterly devastated. I mourned, (bottle of wine every night for a month), for about five months and by March was starting to see the light back in my life slowly. At the end of March, due to an online rejection (eharmony) I contacted him back (he had been reaching out for awhile leaving SMS and emails), and we started a conversation. By April 2 we were sleeping together again and he wanted to get back together. He did not use protection and well neither did I. He is in his early thirties and while with me (we dated for a year in 2007), he had ED issues, I think due to his ex-wife of nine years, (divorced a month before meeting me), cheating on him several times. Because of his sometimes ED issue, my relationship with him was hard (no pun intended and I dealt with some self esteem issues initially thinking it was because I was not attractive enough for him). In any case, short story long, I did not ask him if he’d “been” anywhere else when we were sleeping together again, because in my naiveness, I believed him when he said he didn’t want to be in a relationship and could only have sex with a woman he loved, and therefore because he hadn’t fallen in love with anyone while we were apart, I assumed that he had been celibate.
Through the third week of April, I happened to ask him if the relationship with the girl he had dated casually in the winter of 2007 was sexual. He said yes, and he also said that the relationship he had with her physically was great. Better than what he had with me. Yes, he went there. And then to make things worse, he brought up other instances with another co-worker that he had sex with, etc… This was after he had told me that he loved me, missed me, was always thinking about me, and was just passing time with them trying to forget about me. Oh yeah, he had also asked to marry me before I asked him where “he’d been.” And he never used protection with these strangers he had sex with and didn’t use protection with me.
I broke up with him and told him I couldn’t accept how he had handled himself or his relationship with me. I felt he de-valued me and our relationship by his cavalier and reckless behavior. He could have given me an STD. It wasn’t enough he had given me a broken heart. He pleaded with me to try to get back together with him and even “promised” that should we ever break up again that he would take time for himself and heal before embarking on another relationship. He said this at the end of April. I told him that it was pointless to make that promise to me, it should be more for him, since it was his life, his body, and sense of self respect. I broke up with him the second week of May. Or rather, said “let’s not have any contact for thirty weeks. See you if I do in 2009. Good luck.” He cried.
He met someone the third week of May and has been dating her and is now in a serious relationship with her. Two months after wanting to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. Surprise.
So why the hell am I feeling so crappy about it all?!!! I just don’t understand this. I really took it hard when I found out he had moved on and replaced me, again, so fast. How does one do that? And this time he_knew_what_he_was_doing, I mean, he was cognizant of how bad he felt about getting involved with girls he wasn’t ready for in the past, (hopping from bed to bed), etc… said he didn’t want to live like that, and yet, once again, repeat cycle. I feel like writing him a letter calling him out on his duplicity.
Anyway, who cares about him. I want to know why I’m such a f-up and foolish enough to feel badly that a man like him could affect me so much. Where is my self worth? I am educated, seemingly attractive, I, (when I am not feeling like crap like I do now), feel pretty good about myself, have great friends and an an amazingly supportive family and a good career. So why do I care that Mr. ED has moved on so quickly? Is it my ego? My pride? Why can I not emotionally digest what is so easy for my intellect, ergo, “I should feel lucky; he did me a favor; he is not the one for me; he will continually disappoint me; he is flaky and insincere; he’s not good enough for me; etc…” I feel instead that I meant nothing, I was used once before to get over his ex, and used again to get over his inability to be alone.
I do not want to get back together with him. I just wish he would suffer the loss of me. I hope all his future girlfriends cheat on him and his dick falls off. I sound petulant and jealous. But there it is.
I know intellectually that if you cannot stand to be alone by yourself, how in the world could you expect anyone else to want to be with you?!! Yet, he always finds intelligent women to feed his loneliness. And a couple of months later, a new one enters the picture. His burn rate is pretty high. His ex-wife and I were the only exceptions, and the difference between his ex and me was that I was extremely faithful and she was not.
I am feeling worthless. Someone come and shake me up and slap me a few times. Please. I hope I don’t have an STD. I have finally made an appointment for next week to get tested.
Does it hurt when you do that? Don’t do that.
Go through this site and read all the posts on self-esteem and being good to yourself and raise that self-esteem and move on from this.
Do your grief work. Don’t get stuck in the anger. Write long angry letters to him that you DO NOT SEND. Talk about it, rage about it, but also get sad about it.
DO NOT WRITE HIM A LETTER to call him out on his duplicity. If you write one, do not send it. He was not trustworthy and had NO idea what he was saying. Perhaps he was insincere. Perhaps he was a liar. WHATEVER it was, forget about trying to figure it out and work on YOU.
And lastly, stop focusing on him and the women he attracts. Water seeks its own level. Raise your level and attract new people.
You are a full time job…work on that…forget about him and his “burn rate.” That is his problem.
And from now on take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally.
I was once in a long-term relationship with a man who not only tried to hide from me that he had an STD but when he had symptoms would tell me he thought “something was wrong” and he might have gotten something from me and I should be tested.
I went from doctor to doctor in total freakout mode and had several unpleasant procedures to determine if I did or not.
I never did.
NOW, this is important: This dysfunction came from a relatively “nice’ guy and we had a relatively “good” and honest relationship in most areas and yet, he seemed to go out of his way to lay the rap on me. When he got tired of hiding it, he decided the only way to enlighten me was to make me think it came from me.
I never had one which was the only thing that saved me from taking a pretty serious rap about a pretty serious issue.
He was bound and determined to let me think I gave something to him.
Trouble was, I didn’t have anything to give him. And when I finally realized what was going on, I was damn near homicidal that he would expose me to this and then go through that elaborate scheme to pin it on me. Can you say “relationship over”?
People can and will go crazy when this comes up. Always use protection. INSIST on it.
Lola,
It sounds like you’ve got your head turning in the right direction…asking questions about yourself, about why you feel so badly about someone who treated you so badly…Good for you.
If I were you I would start reading through all of Susan’s postings from the first ones. See what comes up. And do the Relationship and Life Inventories.
Lola,
Well, it proves that even the smartest of us get duped when our buttons are perfectly pushed by another person.
I’m reading upon recommendation, “Women That Run with the Wolves,” and in Bluebeard the author talks about being naive. Even though we are educated, intellectually mature, we can be very callow in our actions. As Susan eloquently states, ‘You don’t know what you don’t know,’ which is WHY you picked him. That’s the fun and painful part of discovering why you did this to you and what you want to learn from it.
By the way, you are a WONDERFUL writer, so smart and clearly articulated. Very nice talent.
Welcome to the ‘den’ and you will find your way back from crazyland of the ex’s.
Lola,
Yep, I agree with cat, we all fall on our faces in the Choices department now and then. Forgive yourself, maybe review what Red Flags you ignored (and quite honestly, not wanting to use protection is a HUGE Red Flag in my book because of what it says about how much you value yourself and others).
At least you’re not pregnant and bringing a third person into the sad situation.
But forgive yourself and figure out what you learned from this! That’s what life is for. If we were perfect we’d be sitting on a cloud eating popcorn and watching the silly mortals in their struggle with Life.
Reb
Lola,
I know you’re going to keep the focus on yourself in order to do what we can only do: take care of ourselves.
But…your ex sounds like a con. And cons do what they do best:they convince others that they are sincere so that they can take what they want from another.
Does the word “Enron” ring a bell? It’s your ex multiplied by …
It’s not about YOUR intelligence, education, age, etc.
He used you. That’s on him, NOT you.
However, now you know it’s a shell game and, next time, you can just keep on walking.
Take care.
Seeif
Susan!
Wow- yes, I am a full time job. So nicely put. I looked over your site and went to the library as per your suggestions for books listed. My first read is going to be Women That Run With the Wolves (thanks Cat!). I also LOVE Demetri Martin. He is the smartest hottest comedian out there today. Razor sharp mensa wit. And I like the Marx Brothers as well- I can go on and on and wax poetic of how many of the same interests we share, but I’ll stop. For now =) Thank you so much for your response. I started my “work” today. One step at a time, one day at a time. I hope for his sake that my tests come out negative. I’d more than likely want to go and sucker punch him hard with all my rings on. Maybe not, I am generally a pacifist. He fooled me good. Yes he did. But it will be the last time.
Cat-
Thank you for your sweet words and generous welcome! And for the compliments about my writing. That really meant a lot. We’ve both been had by some wise guys, eh? Well, wise guys or not they are emasculated fools (or maybe not- I’m sorry, I don’t know your story, but I’m willing to wager he was a fool to let you go).
Serenity-
I have always appreciated your comments to others in distress from the times I was lurking around. Where do you get the energy to respond to so many people, and with so much care? You are very special and I’m sure in real life, a super nurturing human being. Thank you for validating my conclusions.
Rebecca,
Yes, well, I know what a serious error it was to not use protection. Completely unacceptable especially this day and age. Your pregnancy comment did get a laugh for me though, because thirty-two year Mr. E.D. only shoots blanks. No pregger scare there. THANK GODS. Have you seen the movie Zardoz? That’s EXACTLY what they did (well, the women were topless, and Sean Connery donned a toga), i.e., they sat around eating salty immortality and watched the mortals struggle with their lives below… =) And even THEY got bored and they were immortal so they had to do it forever, so I am even happier for my mortality although eternal recurrence isn’t bad either, especially if it is accepted with “amor fati.” Which is neither here nor there. I just happened to think of all these things when I read your bit about sitting in heaven eating popcorn. Blame my philosophy background and lack of sleep, and caffeine.
Seeif,
Thank you as well. As far as being a con goes, ultimately he is only conning himself, for he has undervalued his need and capacity for real love. He hasn’t really conned anyone truly. In the grand scheme of things, I got hurt, but it was a temporary impasse as I can pick up and move on eventually and do my work and find what was destined for me down the road. But for him, his life is not temporary, it is not a speedbump or roadblock, it is his and solely his forever. He is self-conning. One day I will probably feel sad for him and eventually nothing at all and look back here as lessons learned and wisdom earned. Until then I will still wish for this member to fall off and journal about it ;)