Mail. We Get Mail When The Exes Are Selfish Children

Sometimes I try to be as empathic as I possibly can even to the dumpers. Other times it is SNAP! time. This week’s mail seems to involve a lot of SNAP! time.

I know some readers (well one reader) might have an issue with me using words like bananahead, but hey, if the fruit fits: wear it.

So if me calling a bananahead a bananahead offends you, I suggest you skip this edition of Mail.

If someone has a different take on these emails than my responses here, please let me know. But sometimes the way people act makes me crazy and when I receive a lot of these emails in one week, I get crazy. These two emails made me very crazy.

Dear Susan:

I’ve read your website for a few months now and never thought I’d be writing you, but am going backwards lately.

My girlfriend of about a year broke up with me about 3 days after Valentine Day. Sometime after New Year’s Eve I thought she seemed distant. I asked her if anything was wrong and she said no but things were “off” in late January, early February. She was definitely distant and didn’t want to do much or see me very much.

On Valentine Day, I sent a dozen roses to her office as she said that everyone in the office got roses and it would mean a lot. I also made reservations at a 5 star restaurant for that night and while we were there, I gave her a necklace.

She did not like the necklace and almost immediately after opening it, asked if she could return it. She didn’t even give me a card. I felt bad and thought that I had f’d up the gift and that maybe she was expecting an engagement ring. Maybe she was or maybe she wasn’t but I hadn’t gotten that far yet.

The next day she returned the necklace and bought herself earrings. The day after that she broke dinner plans with me and the day after that she said she was breaking up with me and although it wasn’t the reason why, she mentioned that the necklace disappointed her and she reallly wasn’t crazy about the restaurant either. She said she just felt “eh” about me after that night and even though we had a great Christmas (went skiing and that was her idea) and she liked what I gave her for her birthday back in October, she was not happy with Vday. She listed other things but the Valentine Day thing just keeps spinning in my head.

About a week later I asked her if I could make it up to her and she said no. I asked her what had gone wrong and she said she didn’t know. I asked her if she had wanted an engagement ring for Valentine Day and she said no but diamonds would have been nice.

About a month later she called me and asked to borrow $500. When I seemed hesitant she brought up Valentine’s Day. I gave her the $500. She said it was until she got her income tax money and I know she must have gotten it by now. I’m not sure what to do. Every time we talk I feel like a piece of crap and I am afraid of recycling if I talk to her again. I don’t know why I feel so bad about myself every time I do.

Signed–Doubting Thomas

Thomas: I’m glad you’re here and that you wrote this all out. Excuse me if I think that your girlfriend sounds like a superficial selfish little twit. I have no idea what was going on before Valentine’s Day but it sounds like the bloom was off the rose and she was holding out until the actual roses and jewelry crossed into her hands. And then she decided to nit pick at you over what were her parting gifts.

And behind door number 3 was nothing for you but buh bye.

So then little Ms. Greedy Bananaheadette somehow manipulates you into lending money and brings up Valentine’s Day? (excuse me, where is my whack-a-mole mallet?)

The issue here is that the relationship as probably on the downward side and she didn’t really let you know that. Instead she held out and when Vday did not please her, she let you have it. It’s not to say that anything would have pleased her and if something did enough to keep her in the relationship, well do you want that type of person? I think probably not.

The issue here is being so hurt and pummeled by someone over superficial things that you allowed yourself to be roped into lending her money a month later. You might have thought that was the way back, or A way back, but in the end you need to take responsibility for the fact that you allowed it. The way she behaved is not okay but at some point you have to take responsibility for the way you fed into it. And why. Was it fear? What? What was the dynamic before this? It sounds like she had the power and control. Did she and if so why? Did she say jump and you said how high or did this come later?

Remember the GPYP adage: you get what you put up with. And here you’ve put up with an awful lot. You have to take responsibility for that.

Do your grief work, work on that self-esteem and kick this one to the curb. You might need to see the loan as a loss and forget about ever seeing that money again. Just chalk it up to a loss that carried with it an extremely valuable lesson and start working on you and what’s going on.

You can do so much better than this. I’m sorry if I sound really tough on this woman but she just sounds like such a jerk.

Take care of you!!!!

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And now for a jerk of the opposite sex:

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My ex broke up w/me in December. He’s called a couple of times since then, he wanted to ease his guilty conscience as far as i’m concerned. In November we found out we were pregnant, it wasn’t planned. We weren’t ready, and we had an abortion. I took it really hard. One month later he broke up w/me, said he didn’t love me that way.

I saw him at a party this past weekend. He made an effort to talk to me all night. I just don’t get it, why he would be so interested in my life - why doesn’t he just let me go if he supposedly didn’t love me. He asked if I had finished this book i was reading just before we broke up. I said no, b/c it was his book and still at his apartment. He said he would get it to me if i was interested. I said i’d buy if maybe later on. He said well let me know. The Monday after the party, my receptionist called me to tell me someone had left something for me at front desk. Sure enough, he walked 1/2 from his work to mine to drop it off and said ’she’ll know who it’s from’. What is that? I mean do you love me or not buddy? Why pull these weird head games?

Any thoughts?

Unsure

Dear Unsure:

There is nothing in his behavior that says he loves you. In fact, it all shouts the opposite. How did you get from running into him at a party, receiving this book and then asking the question: “Do you love me or not buddy?” The question does not follow at all. And why is the answer even important in light of all he’s done?

Many times we try to “read something into” things that others do not because they are thinking of us but because they are NOT thinking of us and NOT thinking of much, except themselves, at all.

The reality is not “we were pregnant and we had an abortion.” The reality is you were pregnant and YOU had the abortion. And that was hard on you. And that is something that needs to be recognized and grieved and dealt with emotionally. Something tells me you were not able to share your grief and your pain with Mr. Manly Man….because a month later Mr. Bananahead decided he didn’t love you “in that way.”

His actions say it and his words say it. He doesn’t love you. He didn’t love you. Love is not what it’s about for him.

When he reaches out to touch someone, it’s because he’s not clear what it is he’s doing–he’s probably not even THINKING about what he’s doing–but it’s clear that his thoughts and actions are NOT about the fact that he really loves you.

You told him you could get it and he said well let me know. But he doesn’t wait for you to let him know. He just drops it off, and what does that mean? It doesn’t mean anything. It’s a non-gesture. It could mean that he doesn’t listen because it’s pretty clear he doesn’t and it probably means that he’s just doing what he wants when he wants with NO regard to you and your feelings or thoughts about it.

If I go over to the Main Reading Room of the main branch of the New York Public Library (which is about 10 feet from my office), I can hand them a piece of paper with an ISBN number on it and they will go to the stacks and come back with a book for me.

It doesn’t mean they love me. In fact, I’m pretty sure those librarians aren’t loving too many patrons.

Even if dropping off the book to you meant something…so what? Dropping books off is not the sign of someone’s love that you want (see librarians, New York Public Library).

You want someone who can man up and say he loves you “IN THAT WAY” and be there for you.

You also want to sleep with someone who, if he doesn’t love you “in that way” is man enough to bring the condoms and use them.

He sounds like a stupid, spoiled, selfish child. Sorry, but that is my take on him.

I know this might sound harsh, but you sound like you went through a lot, you were trying to move on and this guy just waltzes in without a thought as to what it’s going to do to you. I think that you deserve so much more than this and you should forget him and work on your self-worth so that you attract better people into your life.

My take on you is to stop trying to read the tea leaves and the “many interpretations” of Mr. Confused and his book dropping off behavior. A. It doesn’t mean he loves you. B. If it DOES mean he loves you, do you really want this person? He sounds like a loser with a capital, neon-lit L

You can do so much better than this. I’m sorry if I sound really tough on this guy but he just sounds like such a jerk.

Take care of you!!!!