Love Is An Action. Period.
May 18, 2008 by susangpyp
I wrote this post last summer and a comment on one of the recent posts reminded me of it. Before I share it again I wanted to stress that we are all responsible for ourselves and what we do to others and with others. It is important to keep OUR side of the street clean. And as clean as possible.
But the correlation is that others are responsible for their actions. Others are responsible for their side of the street. And if they don’t keep it clean, they must deal with the consequences of those decisions.
Love is AN ACTION.
It’s a saying and statement that changed my life when I read it. I do not allow people to treat me unlovingly and then say “Sorry.” SORRY does not cut it. It is NOT OKAY for you to mistreat me and then say Sorry and think all will be will okay.
It will not be. One too many sorry’s and you’re destined for the sorry trash heap.
Yes, people make mistakes and I forgive small transgressions and being imperfect. What I do not forgive is a pattern of unseemly behavior and hurtful behavior and “I don’t care much about other people” behavior.
I give a lot of latitude and try to be as understanding and flexible as possible while still maintaining healthy boundaries, but if there is a pattern of selfishness, disrespect or non loving behavior, it is buh bye time. I give a lot and expect a lot.
And if I cancel someone out of my life (hit the delete key), I have set a boundary for me. And if they don’t like it, it’s not my problem. It’s me taking care of me. If you don’t want someone to leave you because you’re a bananahead, don’t be a bananahead. Maybe next time you’ll learn, but it won’t be with me.
“Many unloving things are done in the name of love.” ~ M. Scott Peck
Recently I did some consulting for a group of women who are supporting each other after a divorce. The women are all from Long Island and all went through a divorce around the same time (end of 2006). They met through a community group for single parents and started to get together on a regular basis to talk and share and support each other. Very nice idea and something I did in my life once that had great benefits.
In 1992 I went on a retreat and had “The Grief Recovery Handbook” with me and gave it to a woman on the retreat who read it throughout the first night. Two other women on the retreat had read it as well. By Sunday the four of us had formed my first grief group and that grief group and the benefits that flowed from it continue to be felt in my life today (one of the women just visited me from Oregon and remains one of my closest friends).
So what these women have done is one of the most healthy and positive things you can do. Since Bill W. and Dr. Bob first discovered that sharing in a group is KEY to getting better, a thousand variations on this concept have come to light. The LI women had no experience in groups but knew, somehow, that the key to feeling better was to get together in a group.
One of the ladies discovered my blog and they have been taking posts and sharing on them every week. They wrote and asked if I could come out and consult with the group and “lead” a session. And we worked out the details and I arrived.
Instead of doing the planned session, we were greeted by one of the group members who had decided to return to her husband.
Now, this husband had cheated on her and basically told her that her lack of interest in sex drove him to the arms of another woman. She has 3 children under the age of 6 and an outside job. The woman was NOT disinterested in sex but was dead tired. Still, she caved to her husband’s version of events and blamed herself for the disintegration of the marriage.
The other women tried to get her to see it wasn’t her fault and she wasn’t to blame for his bad behavior. She wouldn’t really listen. Just before she left she said, “I know he loves me and the kids and he wouldn’t have done this if he felt satisfied.” And she scrambled out the door leaving the other women frustrated.
This brought up a few things:
and
Even though we never did get to what I went to Long Island to do, I think the aftermath of the one women’s leaving was very beneficial for the others. We started to talk about “But I love you” and what that means.
As I’ve said on here many many many times, “Love is an action” (also the words of M. Scott Peck). It does not matter what you SAY but also what you DO. It is not only that this guy cheated on his wife but also that he blamed her for doing so. One of the foundations of a healthy relationship is taking responsibility for your own stuff and that also includes NOT taking responsibility for what is NOT yours to own. The woman had asked her husband for more help with the house and the kids so she would be less tired and more interested in a physical relationship. He said she was “too” demanding.
Whenever people tell us we’re too demanding or expecting too much, we need to not accept that. If we have reasonable expectations that are not being met, then we are not expecting too much. It might be TOO MUCH for this person who is lazy and selfish and not interested in being a true partner, but that does not mean it’s too much or we should lower our expectations. It also doesn’t mean we need to engage in an endless, fruitless power struggle with someone who is completely NOT interested in being the type of partner we need. It means we need to evaluate why we are with THIS person.
In the LI scenario, this woman decided to take all the responsibility for a marriage gone awry. She decided to hang her hat on the fact that “he loves me” because he SAID so, not because he demonstrated it in any way. Does she know, really, deep inside that he’s full of crap? Maybe. Sometimes our denial is so deep and so strong that we cannot get to the truth from here. We need to go back and get emotionally beat up again.
For the other women, they had to confront their own sadness, anger and frustration at their friend’s choice. Sometimes we just have to let people go and do their thing. Sometimes they come back and sometimes they don’t.
But “he loves me” is not reason to return to a bad situation if he doesn’t ACT like he loves you. Maybe this woman is not ready, is scared to be on her own, or is just tired of being a single parent. She is, for whatever reason, going to give it another shot but it’s NOT, really it’s not, because he loves her. Love is an ACTION. Always.
So true what you say/write Susan, “but he/she loves me,” is such a cop-out for ourselves to not deal with reality. Why I diluded myself with the words over the actions has been life changing. It doesn’t make the hurt go away that the choices the ex made did not coincide with the words, but it has opened my eyes to observing how people are as opposed to what they say.
We are all accountable for how we live not how we wish or say we live. My focus is on, through my actions what messages do I say about myself.
Thanks for another great message.
Susan, I love it that you quoted Scott Peck. Several years ago my therapist suggested that I read “Further Down the Road Less Traveled.” It is great and I have loaned it to a number of friends. I am currently reading “The Road Less Traveled” which I believe is the source of your quote “Love is an action.” Scott Peck’s books have been a tremendous comfort and help for me and well worth reading. As you are aware he has an entire section devoted to love. I had put the book down for a bit since I am reading another book. This blog has inspired me to pick it up again, re-read the section on love and finish the book.
Thanks Susan and have a great week!
“Love is an action.” Tell that to my ex. He /acted/ like he loved me and /told/ me that he didn’t.
How’s that for messed up?
“Does she know, really, deep inside that he’s full of crap? Maybe. Sometimes our denial is so deep and so strong that we cannot get to the truth from here. We need to go back and get emotionally beat up again.”
Does this mean, that if you can’t convince yourself that an ex absolutely screwed you around, you should go back and make sure they did/will do!?
Because i’m there, family and friends now hate the girl, not for the break up, but for the way it was done. And for some reason, even unknown to myself, i keep defending her!
Confused: there’s no should do anything. Sometimes people cannot say uncle. They have a pathological need to return to the hurtful person until dawn breaks over marblehead. If it ever does.
When people are angry over how someone treated us and we’re defending them…something is wrong.
I now have a friend who I left behind in my move who said he would see me the day before or the day that I left. He didn’t show. Now he has called my cell 6 times- I don’t carry it around in the house, and the only messages I can take are text. In fact, the last call was at 10:20 pm last night. That’s just a plain rude time to call.
He sent me one email message at the beginning, saying that he worked late on that Friday and to call him when I got settled.
I think it’s interesting that he hasn’t emailed again or left a text message.
If he couldn’t show up to say good-bye, why should I respond now? In the last six months he pulled too many of these “I’ll show up” at an event I was attending, and then he wasn’t there. Here’s someone I’m putting in the so sorry pile. Maybe he’ll learn next time, but not with me.
It’s the small things that speak of love and action does speak louder than words. Sorry becomes one of the most inaudible words in an unloving relation. The word “sorry” is automatically filtered in our system, if it is overused.
Serenity,
I used to do that a lot, say I’d do something and then flake out. It was a real problem for me, I know it must be hurtful and frustrating. I’m sorry you were treated like that, it’s his problem not yours. I think it’s great that you can just lay down your boundry and know you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Otherwise, hit the road jack.
By the way, when did you move and where?
I am so glad that I didn’t give in to his words this second time around. That I knew enough, and trusted myself enough, to sit back and watch the events unfold while still not putting up with treatment that I didnt deserve. I recycle from time to time but I never compromised me and that was most important. If I hear him say “all i can say is im sorry, all i can do is apologize” one more time after treating me like dirt, I just may tell him where to stick it next time…
Hey Serenity!! How did the move go? I am so sorry that you experienced such disappointment in your friend! You seem to be doing so well though! I am so glad!
Not sure if this would be the right place to post this but lately I’ve had this strange sensation overcoming me and I have been fighting it even though all along it was my goal…
Allow me to explain. After my last breakup I spent a lot of time soul searching and grieving for past things and “doing my work” and doing my best to get past my past. But lately I have been overwhelmed by a feeling of “how could have my time with my ex have meant nothing? why do I feel nothing except a sense of regret about feeling nothing?”
Am I crazy? Have any of you experienced this bizarre feeling? I find myself feeling horrible that I feel nothing for my last ex, even though that was my goal. I feel like me feeling nothing really does mean that it meant nothing and I feel bad about that.
:(
Hey Genevieve,
I am sure Susan (and others) can better explain. For me, I totally understand. Going from the intensity of caring, then the pain at the split and then nothing and wanting it to mean something.
Guess it all depends on the relationship on whether or not we should look back fondly or be relieved that we don’t feel anything.
Maybe you are just going through one of the recovery phases. I’ve been posting about how I have felt numb and it bothered me to feel anything about him my life, etc.
But, this week, pain came flooding back and I’ve cried. I still go from fond memories, to anger to emptiness.
If you have learned something and grown then the time with your ex does mean something. It means that you had an experience in your life (both the good and the bad parts of it) and are going to the next station of your life experiences.
Not having the answers is maddening sometimes. Try not to feel bad. (If you think too fondly maybe you will start glorifying the relationship and start missing him again thus recycling the pain).
Just try to accept the feeling and live your life as best you can. Easier said than done but it is all any of us can do I think.
Susan will certainly have better advice on this!
Hi Genevieve: yeah we talk about this on here quite often. It is very very normal.
There’s two things going on: one is that the intensity of the feelings are over and there is an absence. If you think of it as a peace and not a nothing, it helps you ease into it.
Your time with anyone is never a nothing. Everything contributes to who we are and we take positive things and lessons from every relationship.
But yes that “absence of feeling” is quite normal. Trust the process!!
Thanks, Susan. I’ll try to think of it as peace. The fact that I feel bad for the absense of feelings may point to deeper issues I still need to work on and unresolved grief I still need to address. It really is a process.
Nese, thanks for your reply. It is very easy to glorify past relationships (and in fact I found myself doing that this afternoon) I kept saying, “how could all of that meant nothing? How could I give so much of myself to someone that meant nothing and that I meant nothing to? It must have meant something but how can I feel nothing, like it never even happened” And then I did a reality check. It wasn;t a great relationship and it deserves to be forgotton even though at the time I clung to the hope that I was with someone great, though reality had to be ignored to believe that.
I met him a year ago, and I think that is a major reason why I am thinking of him.
I agree with you completely, not having the answers really is maddening. But we have to be strong and we’ll get there….
Like Susan said, it IS absence of feelings. And since “nature abhors vacuum”, I believe we tend to get pulled back into “comfort zone”. The things/feelings that we knew. 3 weeks into my break-up, I was feeling alright for a couple of days and I started getting worried… ‘does this mean I am moving on too fast?’, ‘does this mean that our 5 years spent together meant nothing to me as well?’ At least for me, that was a part of drama-addiction/comfort-zone.
This is just what I needed right now. Someone stood me up on a date and apologized because he supposedly fell asleep. I have cut this person out of my life because I will simply not allow this to happen. He thinks it’s an exaggerated response but I don’t care. I will not allow anyone to treat me with disrespect and not suffer the consequences.