Check in Thread 5/18 « Getting Past Your Past

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Check in Thread 5/18

May 18, 2008 by susangpyp

How is everyone doing this week?

Posted in breakup | 82 Comments

82 Responses to “Check in Thread 5/18”

on May 18, 2008 at 10:12 am1 verdant

I am completely annoyed with myself. It’s been over a month of NC. And then HE contacted ME a couple days ago. And I let him. And we had a conversation. Which reminded me of why I can’t talk to him. So I guess I’ll take it as a good sign because I feel like I’m over him and have moved on and actually don’t want to talk to him anymore. The annoying part comes in because I want him to see things from my point of view. And I realize that he won’t and I just need to let it go and tell him to leave me alone. I’m getting there.
on May 18, 2008 at 11:38 am2 Serenity

Ha! Verdant, that’s so good in a way. And so honest!
on May 18, 2008 at 5:22 pm3 Confused

Hey guys.

Ive had an awful weekend. I think meeting the ex after so long last week just reminded me of her. Even though i kept it completely short and exchanged no details whatsoever, it seems to have sent me reeling back.

I am so angry. She never broke it off to my face. Just when i was away, cowardly with an email and a skype. after 4 years. I am fighting today with the temptation to contact her and meet up. Make her say it to my face, get her to explain how she could have acted like she did. Get her to say that she doesnt care anymore. Maybe i need to hear it. Maybe i need to feel the new cold girl that she has become.

Its been endless thought rivers, and its getting to me. Its been backwards progress since i came home. And its horrible. But im tired now, and hoping that some sleep will help me see better perspectives tomorrow. If im still like this in a week, i think im gonna try and meet up with her, and get some explanations. I always liked to talk things out, and hate leaving things unresolved, so as hard as im trying, trying to “accept” this on my own is completely against my nature.

:(
on May 18, 2008 at 5:23 pm4 Rebecca

I am trying the dating thing again, and focusing on trying to be healthy about it, and observing myself in the way I am going about the process. Observing what appeals to me in men, then asking myself if I have those qualities. Trying to become Ms. Right. :D

I am vaguely interested in a coworker who has been becoming a friend, am really unsure as to whether he is interested in me, and learning to be Ok with that, since he appears to be quite reserved, although he is clearly ok with being friends. So the whole thing has been a good exercise in learning to embrace those “grey” areas that we ACoAs don’t fare well with.

Talking to my brother and realizing how much I need/want his approval.

And working on improving the intimacy and closeness of my friendships.

Reb
on May 18, 2008 at 5:56 pm5 little wing

Verdant - I think you definitely take it as a good sign! It took me over a year of sporadic NC-breakage even to BEGIN to accept that he was never going to see things from my point of view… I can definitely relate to how frustrating that feels. Look on this as a minor blip that has reinforced why he’s not worth talking to - It hasn’t taken anything away from you.

Ouch Confused - no wonder you feel so angry and hurt. Remember it’s normal. Would suggest treading carefully re asking for explanations and seeking resolution through discussion. I totally understand your wish to do this though. If you’ve not read them already, I’ve found the posts on the urge to connect and the post break-up no no list helpful… Hope you get some restorative sleep and feel better soon.
on May 18, 2008 at 5:57 pm6 BostonKathy

Today is the 6 month anniversary of my breakup. When it first happened, I decided I’d give myself 6 mos to grieve and to feel okay about being on my own. At the time I thought 6 mos was more than enough time but I was trying to be gentle with myself. Ha! This weekend has been one of the roughest so far. Over the past couple of weeks I made a decision that I no longer wanted to spend my time with a group of people I was calling my friends. I realized that I really don’t much in common with them and in order to have people to hang out with, I was compromising myself. I decided that I wanted to spend my time doing healthier things with people who share my values. Although I know it was the right decision for me, it’s created a void in my life. I joined an exercise class that meets three times a week and have really enjoyed working out as well as meeting new people. On Thursday, I injured my back and so I’m not able to do it right now. When I left the class on Thursday, I broke down crying and have spent a good part of my weekend doing that. I’m living by myself now since my youngest daughter moved out and I feel so lonely. This is the first time in my life that I’ve been alone and it’s a big adjustment! It’s been a while since I’ve had the fantasy of my ex coming back and rescuing me but today it’s back with a vengeance. Anyway, now that the 6 mos that I have myself is over, I’m realizing that I have a lot more work to do.
on May 18, 2008 at 6:03 pm7 little wing

My check-in is that over the past few days, I’ve realised there are more shafts of light coming through - and they’re lasting longer each time. Definitely feeling more stable, more in possession of myself, and realising how much I’ve been learning, wow.

Planning to revisit the relationship inventory this week and write my goodbye letter - I trust myself enough now to do that…but I’m dreading it somewhat.

Just read my favourite Susan Saying yet, really made me laugh: “If the fruit fits, wear it.” Love it!!

Night all
on May 18, 2008 at 8:23 pm8 Cat

BostonKathy,
Good plan to wait 6 months. Maybe you’re revisiting this again because the 6 months are over? Maybe saying to yourself another six months will be better to rethink any connection? The best thing about choosing a self imposed deadline is we can move the timeline to whatever works best for us. Don’t break NC, you have an incredible 6 months behind you, keep going forward! You can do it.
on May 18, 2008 at 9:10 pm9 mlm2004

It’s Sunday and it was our day to get groceries, clean house and make dinner before watching a movie and getting ready for the week ahead. We also always made love in the morning. Yep, I’m recycling biiiigggg time.

I keep reading posts here, journalled this morning and found this to keep saying to myself “don’t make someone a priority when they make you an option”. I wish I would’ve found that 7 months ago before we got back together for the second time.

A question I have is positive affirmation. I definitely wanted his attention or him in my life for validation. I need to validate myself. What are some of the things you all use for self validation?

I went to the natural health store today and picked up some pills with melatonin in them. I pray for 6 hours of sleep tonight.

Thank you all for being here.
on May 18, 2008 at 10:23 pm10 Kathy

Ooops, I just posted my update for today on last
week’s check in thread. (5/18/08, post 114)
on May 18, 2008 at 10:58 pm11 Serenity

mlm,
I had Saturdays like your Sundays for similar reasons. It sucked. Being tired adds to the difficulties. One way to try to combat that is to be in a totally different place doing totally different engaging things. I know you may still have to fight your mind as I did, but at least it helps.

Here’s a quote to add to your collection- I’ve posted it before bc its great:
“The One glows. She knows she is authentic and cannot be bought; she knows her preferences, who she is, what she believes in, and she never compromises her dignity and truth for anyone.” From “Stop Being the String-Along and Start Being the One” (The One = meaning you are important to you all by yourself)

Can you list any negative things any caretakers, relatives, teachers, people you often ran into told you about yourself as a child? Can you list any negative things your X would say or imply to you? Take those, and turn them around to positives. For example, I felt worthless because my X often was “absent” when I was talking to him, and he took very little I said as important. So one of my affirmations was “I am valuable because…(and I added some things about myself)”.

One basic decent affirmation is “I love and approve of myself”.

Susan reminds people in her mp3 that it takes 30 days for these to set. She gives good examples and pointers in it also.
on May 19, 2008 at 9:44 am12 BostonKathy

Thanks Cat. Just what I needed … some perspective and encouragement.
on May 19, 2008 at 2:18 pm13 Rebecca

Serenity,

I love your quote. I think I will find a way to keep that with me. I also have “The Road Less Travelled” on my desktop to perk up my spirits.

And the beginning of the Serenity prayer on a ring, to help me to remember not to try to control others. :)

Reb
on May 19, 2008 at 3:35 pm14 Susie

Today is actually better for me. The knife in my heart no longer seems to be twisting and grinding in my chest. I did not wake up crying! Tears in my eyes now, of course. I was actually hungry this weekend and ate, so I know I am getting better. Depression kills my appetite, and I have lost too much weight.
But I know he does not think of me. I did my best to love someone unconditionally, at great cost to myself, and I hope to never do it again. I have a great weekend coming up, with more to look forward to in the future.
I no longer feel such obsession with him, though I do still think about him through most of my day. I did sooo much for him, and he simply does not want me. There is nothing more I can do for him, I cannot make him want and love me. And he still owes me money, which I may never see and almost don’t care about anymore. He knows I’m a single mom and really need it, and I’ve heard nothing from him for nearly a month.

The no contact is just about the best thing I’ve ever done. I don’t expect to hear from him anymore. I no longer check my phone for his texts or calls. I may never see him again. To heck with all of the things he has of mine. He no longer occupies a giant space within my heart (just a small one now). I do hope he recovers from his depression, and I am glad he told me that I’ve helped him get better.
Now it’s time for me to get better, and see the beautiful woman that I am, even if he can’t.

This site has helped me tremendously, and I am looking forward to the new book, and have just ordered Susan’s book “Getting Past Your Past,” among others. I will do whatever it takes. I will do for myself what I did for him. I will no longer be the doormat that I became. And although I understand how unattractive that behavior is, I know that I did my best, and will no longer blame myself for the mess that relationship became for me.

I love grieving for the first time! It has been overwhelming and exhausting. Maybe this time I will do it right, and grieve for every relationship that wasn’t loving-including my parents. Thank you to everyone for posting comments on your lives. I am not alone, and neither are you. One day we will all laugh at ourselves, because we will know we are worth every minute of work we do for ourselves!

THANK YOU, SUSAN!!! You will never know how much your efforts concerning GPYP has helped to change my life-and my little boys future.
on May 19, 2008 at 8:38 pm15 Mike S.

I’m not doing well at all. My ex is completely out of control. And I am willing to admit that I created my own turmoil here. But regardless I am in a lot of pain.

Thursday night my ex texted my neice about 8 times the same text message. “So good to hear from you. You sound good as always. Miss u. xoxo.” “When are you getting off work? I will stop in.” My neice hasn’t spoken to her since before we broke up over a month ago. My neice got sick of it and texted her back she was going to sleep and that she was not the person she was texting. X texted back “sorry wrong person”. She has had my neice’s number for over 3 years. How do you mistake that?

Saturday I checked her myspace page. It’s private so I can’t look at her profile but there is a mood indicator. On it said “horny”. Is this girl a teenager or something? So that had me REALLY upset. Sure enough, I saw her car right around the corner from my apartment the next morning in plain view, at her old “friend with benefits” house. Supposedly, they haven’t talked since we were together. I never heard about him but who knows. She lost her virginity to him and he has screwed her over many of times.

I’m not even jealous. I’m heart-broken that she is degrading herself this way. It was enough that she had a drunken one-night stand only two days after we broke up. I just can’t deal with this.

I am now 21 days in sobriety. Now I am on a business trip 800 miles from home and going nuts. I can’t stop obsessing over this sick woman. And I can’t figure out WHY. I am trying so hard to right my own ship, but it kills me that she is still in her same place.

I told her not to contact me VERY PEACEFULLY 12 days ago. She hasn’t. But I know she is sending these messages to get to me. WHY IS SHE DELIBERATELY TRYING TO HURT ME when it was a peaceful ending???? She knew that I checked her myspace (WHICH I WILL NO LONGER DO!) and I know she purposely put that I up. She knows I drive down that street AT LEAST 3 times a day. I know her car. I have driven it and gotten rides in it for 3 years.

PLEASE HELP ME PUT THIS BONEHEAD TO REST!!!!!!
on May 19, 2008 at 8:47 pm16 charleenjj

You have to stop worrying about her and what shes’ doing. You are creating your own turmoil.
on May 19, 2008 at 10:07 pm17 Serenity

Susie,
There is in fact ANOTHER Susan Elliott (can you believe it) who indeed wrote that book! OUR Susan Elliott’s book is going to be called “Getting Past Your Breakup”.

You sound super Susie!
on May 19, 2008 at 10:10 pm18 Serenity

Mike S., I think that your sobriety is incredibly important. What do you think about moving?

What do you think about Mike S.? Is he OK? Should someone be taking care of him? Is he following the serenity prayer?
on May 19, 2008 at 10:11 pm19 charleenjj

It’s actually susan wilkinson who wrote Getting Past Your Past and Susan Elliott had the domain etc and the branding before that book. Susan Elliott discovered the Wilkinson book after she re-started GPYP. She has a disclaimer in the ABout page.

I’ve read the Wilkinson book and it’s decidedly religious which this is not. I think Susan Elliott’s Getting Past Your Breakup is going to set the world on fire. mBut tha’ts my opinion.
on May 19, 2008 at 10:15 pm20 Serenity

Doing OK guys. Today I started working on myself after collecting myself after the move. Cat’s posting about accepting herself made me realize that that has been one of my problems. I continually judge myself harshly because I try to do too much at one time– and then I don’t get anywhere and I get upset. I’ve also been trying to practice gratitude, and there are some great family members around me to appreciate.

I had a bizarre dream last night where I told a friend to start some lightning- just a little- and then my father was blaming me for creating a storm. Woke up and realized that at least 75% of when he talks to me when we are at the same place, it’s because he found something to tell me is wrong (that I’m responsible for). It’s almost as if he can’t have interactions without that kind of basis. Don’t get me wrong- at the same time he’ll do whatever it takes to help me out if he agrees with what I want- but the communication lines are really skewed in that unfortunate way.
on May 19, 2008 at 10:17 pm21 Serenity

Thanks for the help charleenj! See, if my paycheck for being a tour guide were bigger, I would actually find the brain cells to remember things like that!
on May 19, 2008 at 10:20 pm22 charleenjj

Do what you love and the money will follow. HAH!
on May 19, 2008 at 11:26 pm23 mlm2004

Serenity,

You are such a blessing to us all! Thank you for being here and I’ve thought about the gratitude journal and haven’t done it. I need to start it and you will be in it.

I wish you the best of luck with your dad. It is so weird how dreams can really make us look at what is going on in our life. You are a smart woman who knows only to accept what we are truly responsible for. All of the other stuff is there stuff, not ours.
on May 20, 2008 at 2:59 am24 deadMAN

This week… was GOOD! Did some recycling, but felt okay throughout the week.

It has been more than 1 months of NC. I’m proud of myself! I never thought i could bear to do this and i never even thought that i could survive without her. Well i did now. I’m alive and kicking!

But it still hurts whenever i saw her. I wanted to move. Move out of the school, quit my job and move house. But this is the final year. Guess i will have to endure it till the end of the year.

Mike,
Stop all the contacts. You don’t have to know what she is doing or who she is with. My ex hurt me on purpose after the breakup. She knew what will hurt me and she will keep doing those stuffs. You cannot stop her from doing what she wants, but you can stop yourself from hurting yourself.

After the breakup, my ex was not who she used to be. She hang out with people she dislike in the past and did things she used to not like. She said so many bad things about them to me and now she is hanging out with them? Yes, i feel sad. Yes, i feel hurt and i was heart-broken. The reason i felt these ways was because she was once someone i loved deeply and so close to me. But its her choice, its her life. If the ex want their life to be that way, let them go…

It’s not about them now. It’s about us. As the breakup was very sudden to me, i had no time to react or think properly at first. In the begining, i was still not used to and afraid to do the things i’m “not allowed to” (during the relationship) slowly, i realised that “hey, who cares? why must i even keep my promise if she broke the biggest promise? She promised to be there for me. She promised to love me no matter what. She broke them isn’t it?”

It’s about us now. We don’t have to know anything about them. All the best mike!
on May 20, 2008 at 6:43 am25 little wing

Mike S - sorry to hear things are so very painful for you right now. You CAN deal with this. Have you read the post How Do I Stop? (Jan 2008) - I like it a lot.

You’re probably right that your ex is seeking your attention in these ways - and is very sick. But you need your attention now and your kindness and care, all of it! For yourself! I know it’s hard and possibly a very alien thing to do but try to refocus all that nervous energy and those nurturing impulses you clearly have, away from her and back on yourself -like Serenity says above: what do YOU need.

Stay strong
on May 20, 2008 at 7:05 am26 little wing

Serenity - it’s really interesting to hear about your dream. In your relationship with him, is your father trying to fix things for you? I read somewhere that men tend to be driven to solve things, whether there is a problem or not. If they are not being ‘helpful’ in this way - as they see it - they feel redundant to us. Or is it definitely criticism with him? I like the dream, I see you encouraging your friend to do something amazing, daring, beautiful! To use her fabulousness, as you say. You are an extremely motivating and inspiring person here, doesn’t the dream show that, wow.

So, bizarre dreams…The past 2 nights - JUST when I had begun to feel consciously more at peace than I have in weeks - I have had hideous dreams. I can’t read them as you can yours, as they’re all chaos. Full of people from the past and members of my family. My ex has not been present at all, and my thoughts are less on him each day. Curious. The worst thing is they’re full of anger and some violence, I am screaming a lot.. at people I would never scream at. This has really shocked me. I’ve had several each night and feel exhausted and disturbed.

I have been doing my work, just finished Anderson’s chapter on Internalizing, and been planning my goodbye letter. I guess a lot of things are being dredged up, maybe I am rageful and still sitting on it… I decided last night that my next task for myself is to work on defense mechanisms, as I’ve realised how much in play they have been… Whatever is causing them though, these dreams are a real shock.
on May 20, 2008 at 7:34 am27 Mike S.

Thanks guys. My sobriety is the most important thing to me now. That comes first. I am dealing with grief sober when all I knew was alcohol and that is making it a little more difficult. I do have my moments (i.e. last night). A few weeks ago I would have lashed out at her, but now I am learning discipline and I am acknowledging what she is doing but I am not acting on it. I will no longer look for her at houses, myspace etc. I recognize this is CLEARLY unhealthy behavior for myself and I know I am better than that. The only thing I can do for her is pray for her.

Serenity, unfortunately, moving is not an option. My job and family are there. Believe me, I would love to move somewhere nice and warm all year long but I just can’t. I also feel that is self defeating. I am not letting this bonehead displace me.
on May 20, 2008 at 8:49 am28 Jay

Hi Susan,

I have gone through the grief cycle, re-cycle, and I finally feel like I’m in a better position. I still have a lot to work on, but I’m not as sad/hurt/lost as I was a couple of months ago. A few days ago, I finally told my dad that I broke up with my ex-gf. For some reason, I never tell my dad any of my failures/losses. Lots of issues to work on there. But he was very kind and supportive, which was very helpful. That night I watched “Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind,” and I have never cried through an entire movie. I was always taught to act like a “man,” but lately I’ve really gotten in touch with my emotional side. I think it’s for the best, as it’s made me more emotionally intelligent, I think.

I have a question. Lately, I’ve been feeling pretty good about myself. Hit the gym again, and feeling physically strong, and restoring a positive self-image, that got shattered after the break up. Eating well. I’m out playing sports. I’m making new friends. Returned to reading/discussing literature, that I haven’t done in a while. Picked up new hobbies etc. And like I said I’m not feeling sad anymore. But for some reason my sleep pattern is all screwed up. I have a really hard time waking up in the morning. My ex would always wake me up in the morning with a cup of coffee and we’d cuddle before I’d have to go to work. I really miss that. I also seem to want to go to sleep really early at night. And after I do anything physical or active, all i want to do is take a nap. I’m not motivated at work, actually haven’t done much work at all in weeks. I don’t think I’m depressed, or am I?

I’m only 25, and in pretty good shape, but I feel mentally exhausted all the time. I can focus intensely on what I’m doing, but after the activity is over, I have no energy left to do anything.

Any insights on this? May be I just need a vacation and some rest?

Thanks.
on May 20, 2008 at 9:04 am29 Simone

2 weeks ago I was in emotional hell and I attribute it to my hormones and the fact I turned a year older that week. Now I am in tip top shape and with a ferociousness of a bull so I think I am doing good! ;)
on May 20, 2008 at 9:09 am30 susangpyp

Hi Jay good to hear from you.
Grief work takes a lot out of us and also can trigger a depression if we’re prone to that. While some of your descriptions sound like depression, it’s really hard to tell from here.

If you need a vacation or some down time, definitely take it. It might help matters.

How are you eating? Is your nutrition okay? Vitamins? If you’re adding a lot of extra activity and not eating right or taking vits, you might get run down.

As for the morning thing you might want to empower yourself with your own coffee. Meaning…tell yourself that you are quite capable and can get your own coffee. Way back when I used to think that someone making me coffee was a big deal and almost every one of my ex’s did it even if he didn’t drink coffee! For me, it was a loving gesture. But after the relationship ended, I would miss it terribly.

So I started to see me getting my own coffee as empowering and something *I* did for me rather than something I had someone else do for me. While those gestures are nice, it’s tough when we equate them with love and the presence or absence of it.

When I met my husband and stayed over his house the first time I said, “Will you make me coffee?” and he said, “I don’t make coffee. I’ll go out and get you coffee, but I’m not making it.” At first I was like: insert frowny face here, but then I realized that I had tied up a whole lotta stuff in this making coffee thing and it was time to get a new schtick. All the coffee makers left anyway…so I might as well make it myself… :)

Not only has he never made me coffee, but once we discovered we each liked coffee a different way (me strong, him weak), we invested in a single cup brewer (Keurig) so that we have it the way we like it.

There’s no more coffee-as-affection in my life but I hear where you’re coming from with that. Take back the coffee and you will feel more empowered.

Make sure you’re getting the right nutrition and right vits and if you need a vacation, take one. If it’s not clearing up soon I’d suggest a depression eval.

Keep being good to Jay!
on May 20, 2008 at 9:10 am31 Michael.

I feel sometimes the same way too Jay.

Getting up in the morning and having the courage to face another day and whatever it brings is challenging. There’s nothing wrong with becoming more in touch with your feelings. It makes you a better partner later on down the line.

There are times when I struggle in the morning. When I was really depressed a long time ago I would usually always be in bed.

This is probably because it is tiring, plus it is mentally exhausting having to deal with emotions/grief day in day out, day after day.
on May 20, 2008 at 9:56 am32 Mayee

I meant to check in here. But instead posted in the thread of “Mail…Selfish Children”. Here it is:

About my dream from a couple of nights back.

I was having huge argument with my mother. Don’t remember the topic now. But it was real bad. So bad that I woke up and started feeling horrible. Had a bit of hard time to fall asleep later.

In another dream, I was back in 1st grade (not as kid, mind you, but as today’s me!). And the teacher (don’t know who she was) was trying to teach me alphabets. I tried to write them as I know them. But she said, it was wrong way and was showing me to write alphabets as mirror image!!

Talk about starting from scratch… :D
on May 20, 2008 at 10:47 am33 Jay

Susan,

Thanks for the advice. I have been eating like a pig trying to gain back the weight I lost. I lost 25 pounds after the break up. I was so anxious I couldn’t eat or sleep for a month. I went from 160lbs to 135lbs. Now I’m back up to 152, and trying to gain some more. So I’ve been eating really fatty, high protein stuff, and I think that may be causing my lethargic behavior, and I’m probably just catching up on the sleep I missed. I should increase my vitamin intake as you suggest.

You’re so right about the coffee thing. I’m putting too much value in it, and psychology I trained myself to look for that in the morning… may be it’s my inner child waiting for mommy to wake me up or something. I don’t know. I bought her a really nice coffee-maker with a timer, that ground up and made coffee when we woke up. I still have the thing and all I have to do is set it to make coffee and I can get up and get my own damn cup. Somehow I can’t get myself to use it, it’s attached to her… so I ignore it in my kitchen. May be I should get a different one.

Mike,

I feel you. I’m not afraid of my grief work anymore though. I’m not afraid to face my day. I just let it happen and I’m motivated to do lots of things like sports, or reading/writing. I’m just not motivated to go to work… that probably goes for a lot of people. lol. I also just get tired after I’m done with an activity, and seem to lack energy to do everything I would like to do. I just think I’ve taken a severe beating physically/mentally, and just need rest.

Mayee,

That’s a really weird, yet cool dream. Journal about your dreams. I haven’t read Susan on dreams but I definetely believe it’s a very important process through which your mind reorganizes itself especially after a trauma (like a break up). I have been having some intense dreams lately. The first couple of months after the break up I would dream about my ex almost everyday. The most intense ones have subsided now. I haven’t dreamt about her at all lately. I journal them and have turned some of them into short stories. Here’s a free write I have I can share, it’s one of the more interesting ones I think:
———
I was in the living room watching TV. My house was dark and messy and I was pretty depressed. I heard a noise and I went into the bedroom, and there she was lying there with a wry smile. Like she knew something I didn’t. Like she was going to give me a surprise. It felt as if she was saying “cheer up butter cup, I’m just messing with you… I’ve missed you and now I’m back in your life.” She remarked, “you haven’t changed a bit.” And I apologized for the mess. “No, No,” I protest. “You should have seen this place, it was really clean only a week ago, I somehow let it go, but I’m going to clean it.”

She holds my hand and we walk to my car. We’re riding somewhere. It’s near a quarry. There’s a police road block. I slow down and move around the police car. The cop pulls me over upon seeing her. I realize they’re fucking with me b/c I’m colored, and they want to fuck with her b/c she’s hot. I’m infuriated. She’s infuriated. But I tell her to shut up and not make anything of the situation. I want to get out of this without trouble, not like the last time we were pulled over and she had me arrested because she mouthed off to the cops [which really happened]. She chuckles and says she’ll be good. The cops tear up my car looking for drugs, for whatever. I fully cooperate. Upon finding nothing one of them looks at me and says sorry for the trouble, you may go on your way. I thank the officer, he winks at her. He says let’s not make a big deal of this ok… I ask him with a smile, what this illegal unwarranted search, … hey no problem I say… you’re a gentleman… I shake his hand and we’re off.

We get to the restaurant. We find a seat in the back where no one could bother us. She’s looking really hot, she’s in a playful mood, sultry, sexy, seductive… she’s more confident than I’ve seen her before, something is very different about her. She’s not the socially anxious person I’ve known. She’s more like the snotty girls I seem to meet at the bar these days. Sex on the beach she says to the waitress, make it strong and make it three of ‘em. I order a drink too — Kettle One on the rocks, my usual. she’s drowing the drinks as our food arrives. Eggplant something or other. Some dudes come over and flirt with her. Dont’ you see I’m here? I wonder. It’s as if I’m invisble. ONe of them touches her face, her hair, her hand. She flirts back with him. I feel insecure, what’s going on here, I’m angry. Then he carress her huge tits, and she flinches and says stop. That’s my cue, I jump off the table and punch the guy in the face. I’m holding him down punching him. I’m hitting him as hard as I can, I want to hurt him… but I can’t. I feel weak, I’m not hurting him. He appears much bigger and stronger than me. I jump off him grab her hand and ran from the place.

And then I woke up.
—————–

cheers,
jay.
on May 20, 2008 at 11:25 am34 Serenity

Jay, I lost 15 lbs in 3 weeks when I was grieving. You might want to look up adrenal stress, adrenal fatigue, and adrenal exhaustion on the web and see if any of those match what you feel. If so, you can always check with a doctor and see what he recommends. Long term stress drains the adrenal glands.
on May 20, 2008 at 11:27 am35 Serenity

Mike S., I know what you mean about your hometown. But can you “move up” to a cooler apartment within it- one that you would want to kind of start a new life in- one that isn’t around the corner from hers? And no, it’s not running away…it’s marching towards and leaving something behind you in the dust…
on May 20, 2008 at 2:34 pm36 'Nese

Bad day today. While I look lovely on the outside (so I am told…weight loss, new clothes, etc.), I feel like crap on the inside. So strange….because I am making progress but Im not as far along as I had thought.

He is going away for two weeks for work so it will probably be a good break that I won’t see him. But the g/f is here (actually a nice person) and I know how he will be communicating with her while he is gone…..the way he used to communicate with me….he is doing special things with her before he leaves…..the way he used to do with me…….I KNOW, I KNOW…….IT DOESN’T MATTER….GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD…….

I’m just blogging about why I’m having a bit of a rough day….I’m ruminating about the past and I know I need to stop it and get on with my future……just having a crappy day today.
on May 20, 2008 at 2:56 pm37 Lucy

Hi everybody -

I’ve been very happy and also very sad this week. I found an old ex / friend on myspace. He and I had a long-distance relationship when I was a young teen. Because of our age, it obviously didn’t work, but we became great friends for quite a few years afterward. He was one of my favorite people, and just a truly great guy. Then when he was in college, he got a new girlfriend. We stayed in touch but she became very jealous and possessive. Then one day, I called him at school and I guess she was there - he told me he had to get off the phone. I knew why without him saying it. I didn’t hear from him anymore after that - he didn’t return my calls. Eventually I gave up and accepted that he’d chosen his girlfriend over our friendship. It hurt A LOT - some of my best memories of being a teen was the few times we got to visit each other. When he got his driver’s license he bought a ‘77 Chevy Nova - blue, with a white racing stripe down the middle - it was the coolest thing I’d ever ridden in. He lived in Gettysburg and the last time I went to visit him (about 10 years ago), we blasted Led Zepplin and cruised around singing at the tops of our lungs with both the windows down, cracking each other up the entire time. I still miss that. Anyway, I’ve thought about him a million times over the years and wondered what he was doing. I tried to find him, but had no idea where to start. I even thought about sending a letter to his parents, but wasn’t sure if they were at the same address. Well, I found him on myspace last weekend. And I sent him a message - he responded almost immediately with his email address. So I emailed him this week and he got back to me - one of the first things he said was how sorry he was for just dropping me like he did. I cried when I read it because it meant a lot that he remembered what happened and apologized after all these years. He told me he’d looked for me too and had always wondered how I was doing.
So that’s the part that I’m happy about. And after a couple days of mulling all this over, I’ve finally figured out why I feel so sad at the same time. Because I never fully grieved losing him - come to think of it, right after we lost touch was when I started my series of long term horribly dysfunctional relationships - I was running away from the pain of losing him all this time. I’m sad because there will never be another night riding past the farms in his Nova. And I’m sad because he’s married now - which surprised me because I always thought I just missed the friendship. But I think even after losing touch all those years ago, there was a part of me that always thought/hoped that we might find each other again when we were older and ready for a relationship - he always used to tell me how I was his first love and he’d never forget that. The realization of this yesterday really shocked me - it was a definite AH-HA moment. My mom saw his pic online and says “wow, he looks a lot like [my most recent ex]” - it was like somebody smacked me in the face. Could it be possible that I’ve been looking for him in others all this time? And I guess I’m sad also because I was with the nicest guy I ever dated when I was 13 - and it’s been all downhill from there.

So I’m feeling pretty bummed out today - and still recovering from this damn cold.

Hope everyone is well!

Lucy
on May 20, 2008 at 3:05 pm38 Kathy

Nese,

Do you know what else he is probably going to do with her
that he did with you? Break up. You’ve already been through
that with him–lucky you! poor her! And if they don’t ever
break up, that’s fine, too, because by then, you will be SO over
the two of them and anything about them that you won’t care
one iota, or you will simply be happy for them.

Seriously, you’ve done your dance with that guy. She’s just getting started. You get to meet someone new and better
for you one day. Now THAT is cool.
on May 20, 2008 at 3:09 pm39 Beatrice

Hi Nese,
Sorry you’re having a bad and challenging time recently. Read your posts about your ex saying all that to you and your ex husband hanging around too. No wonder you’re feeling like crap and recycling. What has happened has acted like triggers. Have to say I really echo what Susan and the others said though about what your ex was doing and saying - it’s not on. Hope you aren’t feeling like you want him back - it’s hard I know. As I keep saying I get that I shouldn’t want mine back, and I don’t on a rational level, but my heart still longs for him. Was with him (and others) all day today at work. No eye contact, no communication, nothing. Nothing new there then, but it makes me so sad. So, I understand how you feel Nese, and having your ex stop by and say all that to you must have been nuts. To be honest, I think you are dealing well with it, considering. After all, you recognised it as a nuts thing to do and crazy, unreasonable stuff to say - it’s not like you were ‘Oh my God, he said he loves me, misses me …!’ I think you recognised it for what it was, and of course it upset you, but you still saw it for what it was. So, you’re doing great, and I think it’s only natural that you are recycling a bit now.
Take care and stay strong!
on May 20, 2008 at 3:09 pm40 susangpyp

Awww Lucy:

I had a similar situation with a friend of mine and I wrote about it on here. I think the post is called Burning Bridges or something like that. I reached out to a friend of mine after he divorced the woman who did not want me in his life. And he never knew what she did or said to me. But when we were together as friends I asked, many times, to talk to him alone. We were so close, we talked about everything. Losing him was hard but I wanted him to be happy and thought his girlfriend, soon-to-be-wife, would do that.

When we were friends we talked about everything and had so much fun together. We had deep emotional conversations and more fun than I ever remember having with anyone. I broke up with someone one time and cried in his arms. We were closer than close could be.

When I started thinking about talking to him again, I cried and cried. I thought about how much he meant to me and how much I loved him and what he was to me at a time when I needed someone to be my best friend (and he was).

He meant a lot to me and losing our friendship was hard on me. The chance to get it back was never there though for years that “she” was in the picture…and it’s not there now…I talked a bit about what his ex wife said to me when she was his future wife but he never responded to it. I invited him to come see me when he comes to New York and he’s been here a few times but has not contacted me….he’s obviously decided to keep it on the surface (he’s very polite to me and talks to me) but whatever it was that we had, we don’t have. The “reunion” is not what I thought it would be.

It’s very sad. It’s nice to catch up with old friends but it’s tough to realize that this have changed and can’t/won’t go back. I finally, after all these years, was able to grieve because there was no hope of rekindling what we once had.

I’m glad you have this person back in your life and I’m sad for you in the part that you may have lost. If you’ve finally realized that he is the one you were looking for, you can now grieve it and heal.

You’re a wonderful person Lucy and I know that you will be okay. Keep sharing! Hugs to you.
on May 20, 2008 at 3:10 pm41 susangpyp

‘nese: what he does with you, he’ll do to you. He’s not turned into Mr. Marvelous just because he’s with her. He’s still who he is and we all know what that is. :)
on May 20, 2008 at 3:16 pm42 Kathy

Lucy,

I’ve never had a similar experience, but it makes a lot of sense that you feel this way. I’m glad you know something so important like this, have had this revelation, but I’m sorry for the sadness it has brought you.
on May 20, 2008 at 5:22 pm43 Serenity

Lucy- I do think there is something to a physical imprinting that can happen– my recent X looks like my ex-fiance…something that attracted me from the beginning and partly kept me in… I wonder if unresolved grieving from those things makes the physical imprinting much stronger…it would make sense, wouldn’t it?

‘Nese- Do you think your feelings are telling you do to some particular kind of work? Around abandonment or self-esteem issues? Take your nerves and push that energy into looking at yourself with a microscope. What’s going on? Have YOU got a nice trip planned? What are ‘Nese’s weekend plans? Is there enough excitement in your life so that your brain doesn’t have to cook up obsession drama to entertain itself? Just thoughts running down the road that I’ve traveled recently…

Kathy, good news on your recent workshop. It’s good to hear that it was so productive and enjoyable. Would you ever have imagined that you would do something like that a couple of years ago?
on May 20, 2008 at 7:40 pm44 Cat

Hi all,
Special nod to Serenity, you sound like you’re doing great.

Susan, loved the making-me-coffee=love! Got me thinking about how I associated things the ex did (and ex’s before) that I equated to love, when in reality, it was me just being lazy! Doing things for ourselves that we equate to loving acts is a strong message to ourself that we are worth loving. I have taken your reminder from “Torchsong Trilogy,” about how he said he taught himself how to cook, sow, plumbing and can even pat himself on the back when he needs to. He only needs love and respect,” to heart.

I had my garbage disposal die on me a few weeks ago on a Sunday. Now to get a plumber in on a Sunday would cost too much. Remember that little powerful line, I said to myself, “how hard can this be? I’m as smart as a plumber!” So I turned off the power, delved in, went to Home Depot, bought a new one, installed it and had it working like a charm in 30 minutes! Yesterday I came home, flipped on the closet light, bulb blew and I got frustrated, noticed the dishwasher wasn’t draining and got frustrated. But remembered from the book I’m reading, “Intregrity,” that welcoming problems and challenges is where opportunity and character lay. SO! My results were, fix the dishwasher and replace the silly bulb. WALA! Dishwasher works fine now. I can do ANYTHING!

That’s my checking in story, I’m growing like someone gave me miracle grow! Instead of losing my temper or getting frustrated when things don’t go smoothly, I just approach it as an opportunity to make myself learn something and not be lazy. The results are I feel competent, intelligent and able.

I am all I need right now and I have all this free time since the ex dumped me to find out all kinds of new things about myself. Thanks ex, you did me a favor! by the way…the ex sent an email last week, it took me one minute to think about replying and I chose the ‘delete’ button. That’s something I can’t fix! haha. If I didn’t break it, I don’t have to fix it. (forget what book I read that from.)

Happy Tuesday all
on May 20, 2008 at 7:49 pm45 Kathy

Cat you sound–no, you ARE–fantastic!!!
on May 20, 2008 at 8:03 pm46 Kathy

Serenity,
I think I could have seen myself doing this kind of a workshop,
yes, but actually having someone in my life who would want to do it with me? That was harder to imagine. :)

I hope you are settling in and feeling great about your move.
You deserve the very best, and I believe you are creating it.
You’re the real deal.
on May 20, 2008 at 8:59 pm47 'Nese

Thanks everyone. I have never met any of you but your support and uplifting words (and occasional butt kicking) help me in so many ways….you feel like understanding friends with sage advice.

I spoke to my therapist this evening and have an appointment to see him Thursday. I am getting better…..I just had a set back. I do hope to one day be able to not care or be happy for them…but for now I want to work on me being happy….not there yet. Cried really hard today for the first time in a few weeks. On the bright side….its been a few weeks since I cried (versus crying all day everyday). Progress!

Thanks again….hugs to each and every one of you!
on May 20, 2008 at 9:02 pm48 'Nese

And Cat! You are FABULOUS! I am so impressed how you mustered the courage and determination to make all the repairs yourself. You are sooooo strong.
on May 20, 2008 at 11:21 pm49 Megan

Well.

This is me checking in.

So I was seeing this guy who had less than a year of sobriety, and I couldn’t figure out why I kept breaking things off with him and then going back, when I realized. Oh hey, I have BPD, and that’s what’s kicking in. Once I realized that, and took action appropriately (having worked closely with my therapist and sponsor), things have evened out.

I explained the situation to him and he understands, and still wants to date, anyway. Which does kind of make me wonder about his mindset, that he’s willing to be with someone broken, and makes me wonder about /my/ mindset, that I’m willing to be with someone who is willing to be with me. Water seeks its own level, and I think my dam broke a long time ago, but there you have it. There’s some one for everyone.

Other than that, I’m doing very well. I just finished my degree and I’m walking across the stage June 4th. I’m a little nervous because I don’t know how I’m going to find a job doing what I do (linguistics, but I don’t have the degree in linguistics). There’s an opening at the local mental institution and I have an in on it, and will probably try for it. The irony of that is that two months ago, I was trying to /check into/ that same facility.

It cracks me up.

Nothing much else to report.
on May 21, 2008 at 1:58 am50 LFG

All -

I came across a very interesting article called “Single… and sick of it?” and want to share it with you:

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=8797&TrackingID=516165&BannerID=541888&menuid=6&GT1=26000

Very interesting perspective on the frustration people have about how hard it is to find The One.

LFG
on May 21, 2008 at 3:48 am51 Mayee

Lucy,

Is there something in stars that we realize our old infatuations? I have said it earlier as well. I used to like - was rather infatuated with - a guy 9 years ago. We met him during summer and then were back to our own education in different cities. It never materialized then because I was always the chicken to ask him openly. But I opened up the contact after 3 months gap and kept up. I was always the one to initiate contact for about 2 years.

We flirted a LOT. Still nothing happened. I was always waiting for him take up hints and say something. But nothing. I convinced myself that he is not interested in me, and formed relationship with someone else. Online!! The moment I told Mr Infatuation about my new boyfriend, he dropped all contact. This the then boyfriend was actually being extremely good friend then, but I never really had feelings for him. Obviously, I took good friendship and his intense feelings for me as a reason enough to form a relationship. I was just starved for attention, I think, since I didn’t get it from someone I liked so much earlier. For 7 months, I dragged that relationship, forcing myself to have feelings for this boyfriend! Fortunately, I came to senses and ended that. It was too easy to keep NC in this case.

Enter my now-X. Same thing. Starved for attention. Waiting for the same feeling Mr Infatuation gave me. And guess what, all of these guys have same physical type, same type of education and basically I always thought of them as superior to me!

After the break-up in Feb 08 with my now-X, I have been in really bad shape. But…? I never stopped thinking about Mr Infatuation. NEVER. Throughout the 5 years, with my X, I kept searching for the same feeling. Just today I realized, has there been a time, when I didn’t think about Mr Infatuation? Answer was, only when I was busy.

Busy with studies, busy with another relationships!! Ever since, things between X and me have started going downhill (Sept 07), I started thinking about Mr Infatuation again. That time, I “knew” it was just a flight of my fantasy, a long-time unresolved crush and nothing was going to happen, I was just thinking about him because I was having problems with my relationship, blah, blah, blah. Now, no relationship, no job to keep me occupied, no other drama, and what am I doing? Right, thinking about Mr Infatuation.

9 YEARS!! Freaking 9 years, and I am still thinking about him because I NEVER TRULY GRIEVED the fact that there could have been something between us and both of us were just too chicken to say it out loud. I have never truly grieved his lost opportunity.

Don’t get me wrong. I am grieving loss of my relationship with X. When I was with him, he always had my attention. I feel terrible about the break-up, now it has subsided to once-in-a-while. And I always KNEW that I was searching for that lost intense feeling Mr Infatuation caused in my relationships, but pieces had never fallen to place before. I never understood it in the terms that I needed to grieve something that I so badly wanted.

All these days, I have been trying to turn this obsession about Mr Infatuation to myself, asking what is it that I am holding onto. I have discovered few things about myself using this preoccupation with him. Until today though, it was only an unhealthy obsession for me. Something that I needed to get rid of or lose myself in the daydream of. But the fact is plain and simple, I never grieved.

Feels horrible… this loss of Mr Infatuation, that I need to get past a sort of chronic disease… At least it’s a start, yeah?

Btw, I am going to a workshop called “Art of Living”. Yoga, meditation, breathing exercises, affirmations, they even have a sort of spiritual form of life inventory. It was second day today and feels good so far. And if it had a hand in making me accept the need to grieve, even better.
on May 21, 2008 at 5:09 am52 TJ

Mayee

DO NOT let the hurt build up. Its written everywhere here. But guess you are learning the hard way. Keep faith in yourself. And I just read the platitudes. I GOT WHAT I PUT UP WITH. I cried on reading those. But it was a different sort of grieving.. realizing where i went wrong..what i should not have put up with

Birthday is 2 days away. I’m dreading it. So… I’m not that strong right now. When he was in th UK the last two times, we spent the whole day on phone..making plans for THIS year. huh. I’m laughing at the pathetic us.
on May 21, 2008 at 7:52 am53 little wing

TJ - Birthdays when grieving are so hard, I feel for you. Whose it is, yours or Ex’s?
on May 21, 2008 at 10:11 am54 Hope

Hi everyone! I just wanted to share the amazing news. All my mom’s biopsys(ies? not sure the plural of biopsy) came back negative indicating that the cancer did not spread to other areas of her lung or beyond. Also, after having the lower lobe of her left lung removed, they tested the tumor and found that it was only at Stage 1A and she won’t have to undergo chemo or radiation! So much good news! She is in a lot of pain but has remained herself - lipstick applied and hair curled and all. She is just amazing! My dad fought back tears all weekend and insisted to never leave her side. I always thought, and do so more now, that the example of love that I had growing up was such an attainable kind of love - but just being in the presence of such a love is a blessing, and I am lucky enough to call them mom and dad.
I still haven’t heard a thing from the ex! I have days of recycling where I wonder if I would have just kept my mouth shut maybe it all would have worked out - but just like the quote that I had posted quite a while ago - I have to focus more on my back bone then on my wish bone. How someone who claims to love you can demand that you share your feelings with them so that you can “work through” the problems and then use them against you is beyond me. But while I will never understand, I will not settle for it either. His bestfriend also broke up with his long term girlfriend last week; so I am sure that they have quite a summer planned. It makes me sick to my stomach …
on May 21, 2008 at 10:11 am55 Serenity

Mayee, that posting was so insightful. It seems as if you’ve figured out the “type” you were attracted to so long and a “model” one that never came to fruition. Think about, however, the whole idea that *that type of guy is a really bad one in terms of relationships vis-a-vis YOU*.

Susan has a posting in which she talks about her “type” and how the constant dating of this type was a nightmare of the utmost…I forget which posting that is… My understanding of what you wrote is that you are thinking that not grieving Mr. Infatuation led you to others like him…And I bet that’s part of it, BUT…What do you think about the idea that I proposed in the beginning of this post- that he was just the first of the cohort of the type that you have ingrained in your mind as the “specific match for you” from childhood programming?

Ironically, although my ex-fiance’s LOOKS were shared by my bad recent X, they were *completely* different models. My ex-fiance thought I was great, approved of me, was positive, and was not self-absorbed or depressed. It was really hard to break up with him because he was a really good guy and he loved me a lot. There were two reasons I broke it off- one good one, and one that relates to our topic of discussion here.
The good one was that he and I were so different in personality that I was kind of intellectually bored. Not that he wasn’t bright, but that he is much more of a here-and-now practical person and one of my favorite things to do is have speculative conversations. He also is very much an extreme introvert. I didn’t feel that we matched up as well as I had hoped. (And Mayee- there was a language issue here too- but guess what? I was TRYING to learn his language too. We did one day in my language and one in his!) I think this is a valid reason to not get married.
The bad reason was that I lost all physical chemistry with him. I still found him cute and attractive- but there were no sparks. I think that’s partly because he wasn’t depressed, self-absorbed, not-approving….AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! So although not having chemistry with someone is a good reason to not marry/date that person, in this case it was a symptom of one good reason (personality match) and a bad one (looking for Mr. Hard-To-Win-Over).
on May 21, 2008 at 10:15 am56 Serenity

Correction: Susan wrote about dating what *used* to be her type before she did her work :)
on May 21, 2008 at 10:20 am57 TJ

little wing,

its mine:(…or should i say:)
on May 21, 2008 at 11:07 am58 little wing

When it’s your own birthday, there’s often such pressure to feel and act festive and happy and do whatever… Last birthday I found that pressure really hard on top of the pain of the memories / thoughts of what would have been had I still been with HIM. Try not to put pressure on yourself about that… might lessen the dread?

Been reading about what Susan Anderson calls one of the cornerstones of Self (she is talking about BUILDING your self after a breakup) - she calls it ‘Celebrating the importance of your own existence’. Maybe post break-up birthdays, hard as they can be, are a special time to do this, affirm your own importance, honour yourself. The day that marks your entry into the world.

But I know it’s hard…

Sending you wellwishes for a peaceful day
on May 21, 2008 at 11:26 am59 Mayee

Serenity,

I could almost ditto your posting from ‘there were two reasons..’. My X was cute but we didn’t have much chemistry. And same about different personalities. He was just as you described your X and I wasn’t.

Anyway as to “What do you think about the idea that I proposed in the beginning of this post- that he was just the first of the cohort of the type that you have ingrained in your mind as the “specific match for you” from childhood programming?”

You are absolutely right. A few weeks back, I started doing relationship inventory. But instead, I ended up writing about the type of guy I like. And what I found was, I went for the types that I thought were more intelligent than me. More intelligent as perceived by me. I was a good student throughout. But when I was 15, I couldn’t get through a competitive exam that I sooo coveted. And since then, I ALWAYS doubted my intelligence. There are few more traits that I hated about myself that found charming in these guys.

My “programming” or whatever, was such that I always wanted a guy who was BETTER than me. Intelligence was the first trait that I always looked for. And get this. My X wasn’t any better than me in brain department. But he had this practical knowledge, this realistic attitude and a work ethic that I was missing. And I immediately put him above me. You know, if he has what I can’t have, he must be better than me.

So my basic need was for a mate that was better than me since I thought of myself quite worthless. Last few weeks, if I am sounding better, it’s because I figured this out and am gradually de-programming myself. Even for my obsession about Mr Infatuation, I realized that, if he wanted to say anything, he had 2 years and he didn’t take any action. I mean if I thought there was some chance that he felt the same way as I did for him, then both of us didn’t take any action regarding it. And Love is an action! Whatever it was, it wasn’t love, it was just plain infatuation, which is now fermented is all.

I always scoffed at affirmations before the break-up. Even until now, I always though, it won’t work with me. Guess what. Yesterday, as a boost to my de-programming, I made 2 lists. Everything I thought myself to be bad in one list. And in another, just wrote that I was good at all those. Now I have solid material to write a GOOD affirmation. Actually, yesterday, I tried to record an affirmation telling me how to stop obsessing about Mr Infatuation and it felt great. It feels better that I would just feel for the lost opportunity and move on.

I have been having quite a few D-BOM moments. I mentioned it earlier as well. In my very early posts, I said that I have this insatiable need for nurturing. And last week was my moment of realization why this is so. When I was entering teen-age, like everyone I was going through lots of emotional outbursts. And mom was probably frustrated. She kept telling me then, “If I am taking care of you this good, it’s only out of duty, do you understand, ONLY OUT OF DUTY!”

WHAM… When I remembered this (triggered by something), I realized. For so long, I have always felt like I was her project and she didn’t really love me. I never pinpointed this to THIS behavior of her during those times. All these years, I have held this hurt that my mom doesn’t really love me, but thinks of me as her pet project! Hence the need of nurturing… Of course, to work on that, it would take much more of my mental resources, but right now I am keeping it aside. It’s such a mind-blowing realization though…
on May 22, 2008 at 4:56 am60 Mayee

After such a long time, I had a dream about my X last night. We had rented a house so that we were going to live together. And then while entering the house, I think we broke-up. He was saying, living together will still work out. He was treating me like a kid, being condescending while explaining how it will work. And I was saying, “No, but I want NC”! Afterwards we wanted to give up the house. By the time, we were showing it to people, it was full to the brim with clothes-hanger!

Weird.. the last part I mean.

Today is the day of anger. Phenomenal anger towards everything. Every small thing. I could break a wall if I keep punching it…
on May 22, 2008 at 3:31 pm61 Anna

Hi there,

Monday I found out that our company will be closing down after a month or so which means I have to find a new job asap. I was in the middle of working with a realtor to try and buy a place at an affordable location, but now it’s sort of like a wrench in my plans incase I can’t find a good job by the time we get let go.
I donno why this is all happening around the same time… losing the ex, losing the ex friend, losing a job I’m happy at and not knowing whether I can go ahead to buy a place.

Haha…donno what to say about life. Anyway, I’ll keep reading here and try to keep my sanity.

Anna
on May 22, 2008 at 5:55 pm62 Roseagh

This week, is another downer. Most times I feel in control but I’ve realised that going with the flow, and continuing to do, what I’ve always done is not being in control.

I need to find my control, take it back and … live again.

I feel at the edge of an abyss, just teetering…. it would be so easy to step off. I am glad of this site, with all the wonderful hardhitting words, but at times it seems like such hard work to be a functioning “lovealbe” person again.

Thanks everyone for allowing me to bleat.

R
on May 22, 2008 at 6:15 pm63 Serenity

For anyone who wants a little amusement; I do so like the metaphor of the phoenix:

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.pidjin.net/1150001.png&imgrefurl=http://www.pidjin.net/2007/09/24/phoenix-captivus/&h=240&w=390&sz=30&hl=en&start=89&tbnid=9rcgHrhh3G-zpM:&tbnh=76&tbnw=123&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dphoenix%2BBird%26start%3D80%26gbv%3D2%26ndsp%3D20%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN
on May 23, 2008 at 7:23 am64 Kathy

Roseagh,

When you feel as though you are teetering on the edge of the abyss, read this post:

http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/02/19/dont-give-up-the-day-before-the-miracle-happens/

It is, indeed, hard work. The payoffs are huge, though. Keep
at it. You can do it!
on May 23, 2008 at 10:20 am65 susangpyp

Roseagh: not bleating. Just sharing. Speak in positive terms about yourself. You’re welcome to share here and you are safe and in good company. Step back from the abysss and join us on the road to healing. You can do it!
on May 24, 2008 at 4:48 am66 TJ

He contacted me yesterday. Said he wants to meet, even if just for a couple of minutes(it was my birthday). I refused. I was doing strong after a week of NC. But I wasn’t strong enough. By night, he had texted me all those emotional messages..”Don’t leave…give me one more chance..I won’t blame you again..plz lets make it work…”. Well, I didnt meet him BUT I said yes. One chance to try and make it work. Again. You guys…you’ve been there for me…even if it meant reading your experiences..it was an unbelievably strong source of strength and hope. This time, I’m going to be strong. No Garbage. No weeping. No getting mellow with his weeping. I don’t want a weakling. I want to be strong and I want to be with a strong person who appreciates my strengths, me.

I read Susan’s post about how she dated, when she was getting healthier. One red flag. And she was off. It sounded so good. Like you are respecting yourself instead of starving for affection and attention. I will do this. No garbage, No tears.
on May 24, 2008 at 6:29 am67 Mayee

TJ,

If you have decided to do this, then I wish you all the very best. I do think you should read this first:
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/04/03/have-your-built-in-forgetter-removed/

And keep checking in here.
on May 24, 2008 at 8:17 am68 J.A.T.

TJ: what has changed? The only way you “get healthy” is to do the work to change. Has he done it? Have you? It sounds like more of the same old same old.
on May 24, 2008 at 10:54 am69 TJ

I’ll keep writing.

I don’t know how to put this, he kept on repeating his life is miserable without me. That he needs one more chance. I was overwhelmed. Like I needed breathing space. And he didnt text much today. So that was a breather. You know..when he asked for a chance and change, I had this feeling that he is going to pretend..and will keep on pretending till he “gets” me. He is a Scorpio. And I believe in sun-signs.

I trust my gut feeling. It says he is evil…more of a parasite. But the way he begged yesterday reminded me of how I was once in his shoes. so???????
on May 24, 2008 at 11:00 am70 TJ

Mayee, I read that post just now.

This guy is such a BIG drama-king. He says he didnt eat much, and he has been throwing up frequently. Will his illness go away just as I give him (yet) another chance. Go see a doc man. :( I’m not happy with myself today.
on May 24, 2008 at 11:00 am71 susangpyp

It doesn’t matter TJ.

Many people are where I was but that doesn’t mean I give up my life to them or for them.

His process and his journey is his business. So long as his manipulations work, he is going to keep doing them and will never get on with the business of healing himself.

If your gut says he is an evil parasite then RUN AWAY. Run far away.

Have NOTHING to do with him. It is not your place to take care of him or to capitulate to him because you know what it’s like to be that way.

Enabling him is not good for you and not good for him.

Stop talking to him. Let him deal with his own stuff. You didn’t cause this and you can’t cure it.

No one should go back with an evil parasite for ANY REASON. There’s just no reason for it.

Leave it alone.
on May 24, 2008 at 11:07 am72 susangpyp

TJ, you’re playing in his sand box. He’s never going to take care of his business so long as you’re there. If you are done, then be done.
on May 24, 2008 at 11:14 am73 TJ

Susan, he says he cannot take care of himself without me. He said he is going to leave his job…his scores are falling. And the throwing up thing. He can’t stoop enough to lie about that can he. Am I not leaving him in a wreck?

I don’t believe a word he says. Be it the “i love u”..be it a “sorry”.
on May 24, 2008 at 11:30 am74 Mayee

A problem…

I am sharing so many personal thoughts here, but it’s under the safe cover of anonymity and knowledge that people here are not judging (understatement actually).

A very close friend of mine, who has been there for me throughout, knows I post on this site. She is curious about it and wanted to know about it. I said, I will tell her when I feel comfortable enough ans she is completely ok with it.

Now I am having some D-BOM moments regarding my family of origin and I want to talk about it. But a sword has started hanging on my head now. That I might need to tell her about this someday.

Also, another close friend (a mutual friend of X and I) has gone through a break-up few years ago. But I feel she is going to commit to the same guy without working on her issues. I want to tell her about this site.

I actually want quite a few people to know about this site who have gone through a break-up but have only been better without a lot of self-work.

I am worried about my anonymity. It would be very easy for them to spot me. I don’t honestly care if they read what I write about X or my discoveries regarding him. But I feel highly uncomfortable with them reading about family of origin stuff. Almost all of them know my family closely enough.

I told myself, some of them know that I post here. And they know it has helped me. If they think they need help, they can find the site the way I did, googling. I don’t need to tell them anything.

But I really want to share it. Has anyone ever shared this site with their friends? Do you feel this way?
on May 24, 2008 at 11:33 am75 susangpyp

It is manipulation pure and simple. It’s NOT your problem if he chooses to blow up his life. It’s his responsibility.

Do you want to take care of him forever? Because that is what you are signing up for.

It’s is NOT your problem if he is a wreck. It is his.
on May 24, 2008 at 11:34 am76 TJ

Is it not possible to somehow remove or edit the particular posts, since it is only about their reading about your family of origin that you are worried about? Or,
on May 24, 2008 at 11:35 am77 TJ

^^ Mayee, this was meant for you. I had a disconnect.
on May 24, 2008 at 2:33 pm78 katt

After 11 years together my husband told me yesterday, very unemotionally that he did not love me and wants a divorce.

We have been separated for almost 3 1/2 months(seeing each other occasionally and briefly in a totally business-like way) to see if HIS feelings about being apart/me changed, obviously they have not, but once again I let him be the decider and passively waited for him to make the decision. I know, I have work to do here.

He blames the break down of the marriage(I want to fight all the time)on me, and although I know this is absolutely not the case I am really having a problem not carrying this and feeling responsible.

Our relationship was way too complicated and I didn’t pay attention to the red flags, was in denial about his lack of commitment, nor did I set boundaries. More work!

I was very upset yesterday when he told me, and did everything I shouldn’t, meaning it didn’t end with me being graceful and accepting. I wasn’t horrible, just crying, and feeling sad, and rejected, and sort of pleading my case and also telling him that he had a role in those arguments, but to him my little ’scene’ proves how I just want to argue all the time. So basically I told him to go ahead and get the divorce himself and leave me alone, not to call or come over and it just ended with him saying nothing and walking away…

So today on top of the grief I feel guilty.

Would it be totally ridiculous to email him to apologize for my role and wish him well? I hate ending with bad feelings between us after 11 years or should I just let it go…

I am a mess.

Thanks for this site Susan, it has helped more than you know over the last 3 1/2 months!
on May 24, 2008 at 3:22 pm79 susangpyp

I would not email him right now. It takes times to sort it all out. Just take care of you.

I’m sorry that you are going through this Katt. But I am glad you here. Stay close.
on May 24, 2008 at 8:43 pm80 JHSBB

Mayee,

I have told a couple of very close friends of mine about this site and how it has helped me tremendously. They know of Susan and everyone here and they also know my dedicated need to come here because I’m so emotionally sad. I may have mentioned the name (I don’t remember), but I have never shown either one of them where this site is or what I have posted. I’m not ashamed in any way, but when I first came here, I felt a connection with people on this site which I did not get from those two friends. I suppose it’s possible that one of them could have easily looked it up and maybe (I don’t really know for sure) mention it to someone who might also know me or even my ex. I’m not sure if anyone would agree with me or not, but I DON’T think I would show this site to the friends you mentioned earlier if you feel uncomfortable about it in any way. You have helped so many people here in your posts, as well as myself. I know you really want to help the friend who has gone through a breakup in the past, but you have helped her tremendously already by just being the kind person that you are.
on June 20, 2008 at 8:07 pm81 billet doux

i am not sure what this website is about..just happened upon it..
but i just want to say that i am so in pain. this has been a very difficult period in my life. my boyfriend broke up with me and immediately started seeing someone else and i am just heartbroken. I miss him.. i am terrrified of runing into him and his new girlfriend and i feel so incrediibly lonely.
it is difficult to see the good in my life.
ugg.. i am humiliated and feel so alone. i am going thru my life nd taking action and acting as if i am ok but i am not.. i spend my evenings crying.
on June 20, 2008 at 8:15 pm82 charleenjj

billet doux: welcome to the blog. You are in the right place. Talk here but definitely DEFINITELY read through the posts.

This post will give you an idea of the most popular posts. Start reading them and the comments. You will not feel alone very long. WELCOME!

http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/05/23/top-25-posts-april-23-may-23-and-top-posts-of-all-time/

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