Courage to Change II
May 14, 2008 by susangpyp
For M.A. Hope this helps. Stick close. We are HERE for you!
“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer.” - Albert Camus
It is in our darkest moments, when we feel the weakest, when we feel that we cannot go on one moment longer, that our true tests happen.
It is also the time when our true self is revealed to us. Our egos and everyday masks are pulled away from us. When we are raw and aching and convinced we will not make it, we are left with ourselves and our pain. The unbearable pain of human sorrow from loss, of uncertainty as to what the future brings, of how to repair ourselves after someone or something has turned our entire lives to shambles. It is here, in the dark, in the pain, in the complete collapse of all we love and all we know, that we come face to face what with what we are truly made of and find the will to go forward.
These are deep, dark and truly frightening moments. We feel bereft and alone, anxious and frightened, unable to be comforted even for a moment. We know not where our salvation or our healing will come from, if it comes at all.
We are not sure of anything except the searing pain in our souls and in our hearts. We cannot think, we cannot make plans, we cannot hold a conversation. We want to take to our bed and never come out. To go to sleep and never wake up. But sleep is impossible and we cannot wish ourselves well and we cannot pray ourselves into immediate wholeness. And we think that is SO unfair. And adds to our pain.
When we have a loss, we feel that loss deeply and undeniably. But if we have not dealt with other losses, every one comes rushing back to us, reminding us that we have not dealt with our losses. We start to fear loss and begin to accept unacceptable behavior from unacceptable people…anything to keep them from walking out…anything to keep us from experiencing loss.
If we have been abandoned in the past, every new abandonment brings up the old abandonment, reminds us of everyone who has ever left. We don’t just feel this new abandonment, we feel them all. Add one more to the pile. Everyone leaves me. The hurt is incredible.
The only way to “feel better” eventually is to stop, in the deepest darkest moment, and face the losses. If you try to avoid this one too, it will just come back to plague you later on. Acknowledge each loss and let them go.
Face each abandonment and know that it was what it was, and you have survived those and you will survive this one too.
Journal. I recommend that everyone journal on a daily basis but this is so important when you are hurting. When I was a therapist, my clients would roll their eyes when I said this.
In seminars I see the exasperation when I say it. But it is healing and it is an incredible tool. When you are in pain you should journal at least once a day…free form writing…just let it out.
For the person you have lost acknowledge, IN YOUR JOURNAL, all your uncommunicated feelings, what you ask forgiveness for, what you forgive them for and whatever you didn’t tell them.
You don’t have to (and should not) try to do this all in one day, you cannot heal a loss in one day…and you can only do so much in each 24 hours. Spend 10-30 minutes on your list. Then close the book or the computer.
Get up and do something relaxing or invigorating, whichever one feels better to you. If you feel the need to say more things, to have another journaling session, do it later on…2 or 3 times a day…but know when to take a break and be gentle with yourself during the “break” times.
Go easy with yourself when you are grieving…learn to cut yourself some slack. Insist that others cut you some slack, if not by words, by actions. Don’t be the one who is always there. Don’t go places you don’t want to go or do things you don’t want to do.
Know that it is hard work but in order to resolve the losses, all the losses, it has to be done. Allow yourself all your emotions, cry, get angry, get irrational. Just don’t harm yourself or anyone else. If you think you want to, GET PROFESSIONAL help. There are crisis lines or go to your local emergency room. Every emergency room in every hospital can deal with emotional crisis.
If you feel too sad or angry, let your emotions out in your journal, to your friends, to your therapist.
It is true that in your darkest moment, you will find the invincible summer…if you use this time as an opportunity for growth…to become the person you were meant to be. In this dark, dark time you will find that you are much stronger than you thought you were…you will find a way out of the sorrow and the pain…you will find yourself tackling this loss and one day you will wake up and realize you feel better and that the worst is over.
You will go on and you will find the strength and the will to not only survive, but to thrive. You CAN get there from here…a little bit, one day at a time, in small steps. You can do it.
Find your invincible summer.
It is there. Wait for it.
Work for it.
Enjoy it when it comes.
Peace.
-
I am going through a dark time. In my head I know it’s over. But my heart is still working through the process of letting go. After months of no contact I sent her an email. She responded and the games began again. I sent my emails under the guise of “yeah we can be just friends” But that’s not true. I know it she knows it. I just miss her so much that I was willing to lie to myself all the while knowing what the outcome was going to be. I started pushing for more contact and she pulled away making it very clear there would never be more than friendship. I felt that same old hurt again, and kick myself for doing that to myself again. I am going to start journaling and if I get the urge to contact her again I am going to look back in my journal to this time when I feel so hurt because I want more than she does. Then maybe next time I can resist the urge to contact her. Thank you Susan for this website. Although I have only posted a few times I do read regularly. Don’t know what I would do without it.
Hi Susan-
Thanks so much for this post. I was just told this week by my therapist that I should get a referral to go to a psychiatric hospital. I’m not really sure why she wants me to go there, or what they are going to do to me there, but I have a history of mental illness in my family and I have been very scared at the thought of needing to go there. But as I have reasoned to myself - if I am mentally ill, then I suppose it will be best for me to get some help. And if I am not, then going there to be tested will not make any difference to my life.
But thank you, because you’re right - it is the courage that we need to have. The courage to step into something new, and to decide that we do want to change our lives and not simply accept our misery any more.
I have been doing my best to acknowledge my losses and work through all the pain of my past, but it does seem like a long and neverending process. I want to believe you when you say that one day this process does end, and it is possible to simply move on.
Susan,
As always, your timing is impeccable. Thank you for this reminder of the phoenix rising through the ashes.
Pigeon,
I commend you for your courage to go to the hospital and deal with the problem. So many people run from their problems and then they just intensify and spiral out of control. It takes a lot of guts to take care of your stuff, so kudos to you! I wish you all the best.
The Camus quote is fabulous. Coming here has been a godsend for me. I read this website regularly and every time I start to feel badly about things, I come back. It reminds me to be strong.
My problem was not with the ending of a LTR. IN fact I have never had one of those… just a long series of short term crash and burn relationships (longest one being 6 months in length) with men who were completely wrong for me and who I put up with because I was desperately trying to avoid being dumped. I had nothing but unresolved grief and abandonment issues dating back to being 2 years old. I never got over anything because I couldn’t face any of it; or, better put - I COULD face it… I just tried really hard not to, which only hurt me… again and again and again and again until finally I couldn’t take it anymore… it was like the floor fell out from under me and I needed to face things… I needed things to change. Somehow I found this website… and coming here for support and reading about how other people were coping, it all made me feel like I wasn’t alone, which has made the process easier.
I read until my eyes hurt. I did the relationship inventories and I wrote letters (that I didn’t send) and I read books about grief and healing and forgiveness… and I journaled like crazy… and it all got me through and not just through but I feel more at peace than I ever have before. For the 1st time in my life a text message from an ex didn’t affect me or compel me to reply. It wasn’t even hard not replying.
I’ve gained a better sense of perspective.
The final thing I have been working on is self esteem. I realized that in the past I put a lot of my self worth in the hands of others, particularly the men I dated. If they thought I was pretty, I was. If they thought I was funny, I was. If they were with me, I was worth it… and when they left me, I would fall apart. Approval was like crack and I was an addict. This always put me in a position of doing whatever it took to hold on to someone and putting up wth whatever was dished out… and it was all fear and a lack of self worth that perpetuated this self destructive behaviour.
I haven’t dated anyone (been on a few dates but that is it) since my last breakup in September. This is the longest I have ever gone between “relationships.” But I feel as though I have grown a lot in this time and I am slowly but surely finding my “eternal summer”
Anyhow, thanks to everyone here. Thank you for being here.
And Susan, I don’t think any of us could thank you enough for creating and maintaining this website, and your wisdom, and insight. Your words give strength. Thank you!
Susan, THANK YOU so much for this post today. I soooo needed to hear this one, it resonates so closely to how I’m feeling AGAIN. My grandmother who raised me and who was the only family member I had, died a week ago today. It’s a huge huge huge loss for me. It’s also scary not to have family now.
My grandma started taking care of me when I was 6 months old because my mother was just starting to show signs of mental illness. My mom killed herself when I was 8 because of her mental illness. My grandma is the only stable family I had in my life, ever.
I never dealt with my mother’s death (for 26 years). I’m not sure how I managed to NOT deal with her death, I didn’t even know I hadn’t. When my ex left me 4 months ago he broke my heart in a way it’s never been broken because out came all this other stuff. So now I’m dealing with boyfriend/best friend loss, mother’s death and now grandmother’s death, all in a 4 month period. BUT, I think when I’m through with all of this I will be grateful I dug in and did my work. I can already feel a difference in myself and I can see how I’m taking care of myself in ways that I didn’t before the breakup.
My Grief Recovery Handbook arrived yesterday. Good timing….
Susan thank you again and again and again for all the amazing work you do. You have been KEY to my healing the last 4 months.
Ellipsis
My thoughts and prayers are with you. My deepest condolences for your loss.
Ellipsis,
I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.
Ellipsis,
I’m sorry you are facing so much loss. My heart goes out to you.
Take extra super good care of yourself. I’m sending you a virtual
hug.
Ellipsis, it is so great that you are taking care of you and knowing what you need. I bet your grandma would very much want that for you.
One thing I did to remind myself of how my grandma would want me to take care of myself is put her picture in a locket that I wear almost all of the time; my grandma passed away last year, and it was very hard on all of us. But at least now I know, as you do, that it’s important to feel the grief and move through it.
Susan, thanks for this post. I can relate very much, as I tend to think that there is always some light in the dark. Have read this somewhere: “when does a candle shine brightest? the answer is always: in the dark.”
And here is one of my favourites, a friend once told me this (his grandfather used to say it):
“Life is like a grindstone, whether it wears you down or polishes you up, depends on what you are made of”.
Everyone of you are so incredibly awesome. Thanks so much for all of your insights from your own personal experiences. We all are so rich in what we have to share from what we’ve learned. How could anyone walk away from us? Do they ever wonder what they lost? I’d say yes but they can’t face it.
We’re the best….
Greenroses, I love the grindstone metaphor.
I echo the sentiment.. You brave people have helped me so much.. in my darkest hour I also felt like giving up and that the losses I had not faced were overwhelming me… I found so much comfort here and the words of susan and all of you have helped me mourn and move on, more than I can say..
I hope I can help someone out there as much..
Stay strong, stay connected.. it is all moving in the right direction. Be sure of that
Abbyx
I just wiped a tear after reading this Susan, and for that I thank you.
Although I have experienced a bit of a weak moment last week, feeling sorry for myself, missing the ex, was out of sorts for some unexplained reason, I am proud to say that I was strong enough not to give in and reach out. I will not, I repeat, I will not, go down that road again. I like the person I have become and like this very inspiring gobbet you chose, I have indeed found my invincible summer.
well i know that at the end of all things i will look back and say “i cant believe i made it through all of that”. but right now i feel weak. and in those deep, dark, frightening moments you refer to, i am reminded of the person i used to be. the strong me. the me that had the will and motivation to persevere. i dont feel like that person anymore. i feel like laying on the floor and never getting up. i want to give up except that i dont want to let down all the people in my life that have come together to love and support me during this miserable time. the best i can do right now is allow time to pass.
a close friend of mine recently reminded me that sometimes getting through the day is an accomplishment in itself. and i find that to be true. just one of these awful days is harder to overcome than a lot of other obstacles i have encountered in life.
in the end, i hope i remember that. in the end, i hope i look back and say “you were strong!” i hope i am being strong, because to be honest, i feel like i’m not doing a very good job of all this. i feel weak and helpless and not strong at all.
grimm, don’t accept the folklore that the best one can do is just let time pass. That’s not enough, and that won’t make the best of the situation. You are really tired now, but you will feel better if you do more than just get through each day (which is part of it, but there is more!)
Of course, it will be good when you look back and say “you were strong” but even better will be when you look back and say “you were smart and you learned and are even better than you ever were before!”
Start reading through all the past postings listed to the right. Take a look at the book list and see if any of the topics pertain to what you might be dealing with. Order a book. This is all about taking a class on YOU. If you pass this class, you will get another A in life!
Hi Grimm and Serenity-
I just wanted to say, I agree with Serenity Grimm - it is better to start actively trying to get through the time, instead of just waiting for it to pass. I was in that dark place you talk about a few months ago - I just felt exhausted, and that I’d been through so much, I didn’t think that I could take any more. But I could, and I did, and I am on the road to somewhere better.
But yes, at the beginning you just have to think about it one day at a time. Keep busy - see people that you care about and who care about you - make sure you are surrounding yourself with positive influences and people who are reminding you of how much you can accomplish, not people who are sapping your energy. And good luck to you.
Thank you for your support, MovingOn. I’m not sure if I’m going to be admitted to the hospital or what they’re going to do to me there, but I am going to trust that my therapist is looking out for me, and that this is all for the best, even if I don’t understand the bigger picture right now.
Grimm
Hang in there… it does get better. Things ALWAYS get better. I’ve used index cards on more than one occassion to help me when things got tough.
For instance, when I quit smoking I made activity cards. And every time I craved a ciggie I would pull a card from the deck and do it. I wrote easy small activities on each card (like do 10 situps, or “play the C scale 10 times” or sing a song or “do 10 jumping jacks) The idea was distracting myself from the craving. And it really worked. You’re mind can only think about one thing at any given moment and sometimes just changing the focus helps. Also, physical activity relieves depression to some extent.
The other time I made up index cards was when I was feeling very down about life. To feel better I started listing every great thing I could remember from my life, right down to funny stories someone told me or a walkman I had when I was in high school. I wrote down every happy memory I could think of - anything at all that made me happy at some point (except for ex-boyfriends!!!!) and just listing these things made me feel better because again my mind was going to happy places and not sad ones.
I keep those cards in my purse and I take them out and read them when I need a boost. When something hurts sometimes it is hard to remember all of the things that DON’T hurt. So often our pain comes from our memories and not from the moment. I’ve discovered that most moments are still.
Just hang in there and keep reading…
*hugs*
i have a picture that i drew. it says “remember what you love…” and then it has things that symbolize the people and activities in my life that have been able to bring me joy: friends that are dear to me, my art, inspirational characters from books, etc. when my mind begins it’s downward spiral i look at my sketch and i feel love for things i have drawn, and in turn i can remind myself that i am loved. the index card suggestion reminded me of that. it does help.
They say affirmations help too… I’ve been trying to get into the habit of using them. My inner voice has been far too negative for most of my life… I am working on chaging that. When my inner voice starts saying something horrible I override it with STOP!
Get Susan’s mp3 on affirmations if you want to make sure you’re using the most effective ones.
Ellipsis,
Your grandma sounds amazing—I’m so glad you found each other and could share so many good days. Today is the anniversary of my dad’s death (I try to remember only his birthday, but there you are…) and what I found was that for a while after he died, my grief kept him away, the loss was so overwhelming. But in his own time, he came back and is still here, in my heart, whenever I need him. Apologies if I’m saying something not in accord with your beliefs, but I was comforted by a poem someone gave me (sorry, don’t know the author):
Do not stand at my
grave and weep
I am not there
I do not sleep
I am a thousand
winds that blow
I am the diamond
glints of snow
I am the sunlight
on ripened grain
I am the gentle
autumn rain
Do not stand at my
grave and cry
I am not there
I did not die.
Real love never ends. She’ll always be with you, hoping for your happiness. You can carry her love forward in your own life, by being as gentle with yourself as she would be. And please don’t be afraid to let joy back into your heart, whenever it returns. That’s what she wants for you. Where she waits for you to find her again. And the amazing thing about the love she gave you is that you will be able to keep on giving it away, to so many others who will need you as you once needed her. No, she did not die. She never will.
An arms around to you tonight. You’re stronger than you know.
Cat,
Thanks for the beautiful thoughts!
Abby,
So glad to hear from you and that you’re doing well. Love and good wishes from just one of the someones out here you definitely HAVE helped. (-;
Susan,
A beautiful post. It’s all right here. Thank you.
Bluebird, Serenity.. and all.. Right back atcha!
As a postscript. I had dinner with a friend last night.. she told me that a young man had been dating her daughter.. and co-incidentally, had been working at the same place as Ex.. Long story short, Ex had made his life a misery.. bullied him and treated him so badly he left his job..
Interesting huh? So a) he hasn’t changed and this is really (in a horrible way) a validation I was dating an abusive jerk..
b) I had such a lucky escape! Yay!
So hold tight, anyone who has been in an abusive relationship. I tortured myself thinking he’d changed ‘for her’ but the truth was staring me in the face last night. If this 40-something man could bully a young 19 year old boy in the workplace… chances are hes still treating his woman nasty too
The best revenge is living well and I certainly feel that…
moving on… Abbyxxx
Ps but not that I wish that on her at all.. Poor her and I hope she wakes up too.. but that’s her journey Abbyx
I too, have shed my tears this evening. I’m ending a long term relalationship of almost 20 years and it hurts deeply. To the journal i return to let it flow. Thanks, Susan for letting your love flow.
Bluebird,
Love the poem you shared with Ellipsis and your thoughts
on the love and presence of someone who has passed. I
(gradually) came to believe the same after losing someone special some time ago. You said it all beautifully!
This expresses just how I am feeling right now. I am feeling so depressed and despairing that I will never get through this. No matter how much I want to stop thinking about him, I can’t, and no matter how much I want to let go of the pain, I still feel stuck in it. I’m under stress at work and have to go through it without his support, while he is giving that support to his new girlfriend, as well as being reminded that it was my difficulties in managing stress at work that was one of his reasons for leaving. So not only do I feel like a failure at work, I also feel like a failure at the relationship all over again. And I don’t know how to get past that either. I want to believe that things will get better, but I just can’t stop the churning inside.
Heather- read this post: “Don’t Give Up the Day Before the Miracle Happens”.
And have you considered looking for another job?
You CAN get past this. It won’t happen overnight, but you can do the work part by part and you will feel better step by step.
Use your pain to push yourself to do the work.
I always like to recommend Susan Anderson’s book (see its listing to the right), which explains why there’s churning, obsessing, and feeling bad about oneself. You can turn it all around. But you have to be willing to change how you are in the world, and that takes work. Or you can just suffer.
Ellipsis: How are you doing? Let us know how you are.