It was a tough week for me… My ex suddenly keep calling and texting. Don’t know for what reasons. Even if i did not answer or respond to the texts and calls, it hurt me inside. I felt that it was a shame that we turned out like this.
In the past, whenever she text or phone, it always hurt me despite whether i respond or not. I will turn to alcohol to numb the pain. Recently, i forced myself to not drink to numb the pain. I wanted to deal with the loss and pain with a sober mind. Although it is difficult dealing with the pain with such sober mind, i could process how i feel and thought better. I believe that it is the better way for me to move on.
I feel so good and invincible at some days but the next, i will become so depressed and sad over the breakup. I know i will get through it. I just need to do more work on healing myself.
Although i’ve lost a lot from the breakup, i’ve gained a lot too. I understand myself better. I realised how much pain and hurt can do to me. I realised i should not love anyone or anything more than myself. I’ve seen how people react to situations. I’ve learnt how to react better to them. I’ve saw clearly who are the people who will be there for me no matter what and who are the ones who disappeared from your life when you are of no benefit anymore.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same.
—Flavia Weedn
I’ve learnt so much, both positive and negative sides of life… and i’m thankful for them. :)
I’m thankful for this blog and the people in this place too…
Have you considered changing your phone number so she can’t keep calling and texting you? Have you asked her to respect your wishes and not contact you at all? If you have, and she is still attempting to contact you, then she is not respecting your feelings and you need to make a decision - either continue to be hurt by her attempts at contact, or do something about it - either change your number or block hers so she can’t do this to you anymore. The sooner you do this, the sooner you will be able to focus on YOU and doing the work to get over this.
Congrats on avoiding the alcohol - it can be a big temptation when going through painful feelings to want to numb the pain. But you’re right, you will be able to process all your feelings much more clearly and quickly by staying sober and getting through them. Keep taking care of you!!
Last week after an e-mail from my ex which I did not answer but hurt by, nonetheless. I decided to block her e-mails. I changed my cell number and plan to change my home phone if she tries calling me on that.
I’ve also started back going to meetings in my recovery program and working with a sponsor again. That has been a tremendous help.
I started on the Relationship Inventory but I’m stalled on writing the letter (that I won’t send!).
After intermittant (about once in 2/3 days) journalling and consistent posting here, I am feeling alright. But then I still haven’t done full relationship inventory yet. I think I have done the part how I behaved during those 5 years. Journalling consisted mostly of how he behaved. But just writing about how I behaved really put me back on the track to where I belong. I mean, for last couple of weeks, I have takes steps to go after a career I had wanted, which I otherwise wouldn’t have taken.
Of course, I could only start writing about my behavior only after pouring my heart to friends, here and in journal. Last couple of days have been of feeling shame of how I behaved. I mean, I could see myself from X’s point of view and I cringed a bit. I have a horrible fear of being wrong. So shame is slightly greater than it should be. I still think he was worse than me in spades during those 5 years, but I would really like to put that part of me completely behind.
I am curious to learn more abot that relationship inventory that everybody seems to be talking of here, I had ordered Susan Andersons book and the grief handbook, is it described there? (books not yet arrived)
Anyhow, I can relate to what you say about being ashamed of your own behaviour. Initially, I had days when I would be beating myself up over having been unfair or unpleasant to him on many occasions (and it is true) in those 5 years, but it made me focus only on that and it was not healthy, b/c it always takes two, and he surely was no angel either (and behaved in a way that was very irritating to me, very often….similarly I was irritating to him I guess, but the bond was passionate and especially he was very much in love I guess…and he kept saying that with no other person, he would have endured so much difficulty. But almost as if he wanted to say “look, this is my contribution, I STAYED with you, despite everything…” and that is not much, is it? I mean, I stayed too, so what is the point. Its about other things, about what you actually DO (and not say) that counts.
So to cut it short: it certainly is important to realize your own shortcomings, where you failed, what you did wrong etc but I think some relationship just bring out the worst in us (I was surely as mad and as unfair at times as I have never been with another person) so there is nothing you can do about it, it just isnt a good match. As hard as it is to accept that, but its the first step in letting go, I guess….
deadMAN, stay away from the booze. TRUST ME ON THIS! It does nothing but harm when recovering from a break-up. You can’t rebuild your foundation with drugs and alcohol. You might want to consider AA. I did quit drinking for 4 months on my own. It didn’t make a difference though. I was just a miserable dry drunk who didn’t drink. I am only on 2 weeks but the difference is immeasurable. I am learning alot about myself and my former relationship through the help of a wise sponsor.
5 days of No Contact for me. I have to say, this is getting easier as the days go by. Yesterday I was in a funk, but I am now coming to terms that she is out of my life now. She did call my niece two days after NC but I’m not sure what the circumstances of that were. Her and my niece were close but it is peculiar that she contacted my niece only 2 days after. Doesn’t matter. The next day her best friend texted me asking how I was and how she (best friend) misses me. I responded a day later saying I was living well and thanks for asking. She then texted back saying we should go out to lunch and how SHE REALLY DOES MISS ME. Whatever. No direct contact and I’m fine with that.
Today is our 1 month break-up date. I feel like texting her “Happy 1 Month”. But I know better than that. I thought today was going to be tough but I am doing a lot of things for myself lately. I bought a car, a plasma TV and an XBOX. Time to spoil myself! :)
I’m in a funk today, which is frustrating because I had a really beautiful day yesterday. I rode my motorcycle all afternoon and just wandered around the gorgeous countryside. Then I had a beer and chatted with friends, and felt really good and relaxed about my weekend.
But today I’m irritable and distracted.
I’ll repost something I said in a different area:
Maybe you all can give me insight on this.
I’ve been debating on going on something like eHarmony and the debate in my head goes something like this:
Against: Stop trying to control things and being so impatient. You will meet the right guy when it’s time, and you need to be TOTALLY at peace with being single. Going on a website to find a date is NOT something someone at peace with being single would do.
For: You can be at peace with being single and still want to open yourself to meeting someone. It is very difficult to meet and know if someone has a chance of being right for you, so something like this is a very good way to meet potential partners. It’s also a good chance to practice healthy dating, by practicing on people you don’t know and never need see again.
Hi Susan, thanks for asking about all of us. I had a rough time with the narcisstic father and distracted mother over the weekend for Mother’s Day. Disappointed in myself that I reacted in old ways to his personality. I’ve just been away from it for so long and realized I don’t have to deal with difficult people as much as my father. I was really angry with him this weekend and had a difficult time controlling my contention. I couldn’t wait to get to work this morning to be around people that actually know me and don’t treat me like I’m invisible and full of short comings.
Some good things came out of it though, I realized it’s my reaction to my father and that I need to grieve the relationship I desired and didn’t get. There’s no reasoning with a narcissist, it goes like this, Me: “you’re very controlling and you tell people what to do, you don’t ask us if we’re interested in doing whatever you bring up.” Narcissist father’s reply: “did you ever think it’s you.” Me: “yeah, I have.”
It’s exhausting and depressing. But today was a good day at work and I have so many people I can share my authentic self with and they appreciate it.
Reading a fantastic book, “Intrigrity,” by Dr. Henry Cloud. It’s just a lot of things happening to me internally that I think has created the anger but at least the anger is in the right place now and not toward the ex. I see clearly now that the ex was me trying to reconcile my controlling, rude, disrespectful, self absorbed, critical, never pleased, father. I hardly think about the ex anymore, in fact, I have to remind myself that I didn’t think about the ex. That’s a nice phase.
I do need to work on my issues with my parents though, I can’t go around losing my cool everytime I’m around them. I adore my mother but even SHE got on my nerves with her distractions. I feel like I’ve failed but I know that isn’t true, it’s more likely I’m very close to healing. I always trust the process and keep my side of the street clean now.
Rebecca,
I tried dating too early, it was okay because I didn’t take ANY of it seriously at all. If you approach it in a healthy way without really expecting something to happen, you’ll be okay. But if you’re not ready for the slightest rejection, then I recommend dating yourself and going out with your friends. Until you can get to the point where you can say to yourself, “do I like them?” and “you’re the luckiest person to even be sitting here talking to me right now,” I’d recommend getting to that place first with high self esteem before leaping into something that may make you want to contact the ex or compare someone to the ex.
Cat,
Yep, I’m there. I’ve actually had and turned down offers from several guys at this point. So I’ve proven I’m not going to dive into a relationship just to have a relationship, and that I can handle rejection if need be.
I mainly just want to feel I’m opening up to possibilities and not staying in my cave.
Hard to keep total NC. We are separating our finances after the middle of May.
I haven’t stopped crying in 6 months, and I miss my wife more than ever. Therapy and meds have helped, but only to just get by. How can you move on when you’re constantly flooded with thoughts of her?
NC. Day 3 today. I am at peace. relaxed. with a tinge of regret. All those fights constantly playing on in my mind like a defunct tape. I cant believe I was running pillar to post to make this guy happy. This needy abusive control freak.
honor your feelings, your capacity for love and affection, and trust that at some point, it will get better. Total NC may not be possible, then I’d limit it to the finances. And go total NC afterwards.
Often after a while, the longing and missing is not so much re. that other person, but some fantasy that we entertain. It has more to do with ourselves.
Cry as long as you need to, but move on at some point…your are not being given another life.
Hey all, Its been a while, but i was posting in the “Tales from Breaking NC” a while back. My story was a long relationship of 4 years, that had to go long distance for 6 months, during which my girlfriend “drifted”, but apparently didnt realise, until suddenly 5 and a half months into it, decided to completely turn around in my eyes over the course of a weekend, and break my heart. (into very small pieces)
Its been about a month now, and about three/four weeks of no contact (by her request). I am back home (to Ireland), and have my family and friends around me again for support. It was hard being away, and not having the people you love around you to talk to.
I feel i’ve improved. But being back has really started triggering a lot of reminders of our time together. As we work in the same college, I will see her. I’ve only been in for 2 days, but I’m almost scared going around each corner. Girls in the distance that COULD be her are enough to get my heart beating hard. Its tough at this time. Also, being back with my friends has also the disadvantages that i get the hearsay about what she’s at, that she’s been upset etc. I want to hear these things, but i know that i’m better off without.
I have to say, as many have said, but Susan, you really put your finger on it every time. The posts on “honoring the end” and “does anyone miss me” describe my thoughts and feelings exactly. IT DOESNT MATTER. 75% of my thoughts these days actually DONT MATTER. I’ve been letting them back in recently.
Your site and postings really do help. They help me to see sense in my thoughts, and abstract away from what my brain is thinking, and what i actually need to think. So I would like to sincerely thank you Susan. I hope I can eventually conquer this!
Also, i remember in another posting you saying you had Irish blood. Good to hear!!
Oops ..Wrote this on the checking in thread 5/4 by mistake
Checking in to vent…
The ex wanted to pick up a suitcase from the house we own together (I still live in the house while it is on the market). He stated he works late and would come @ or after 10pm.
Since 10pm is too late and I have no need to have any contact with him (I am making the decisions on the selling of the house on my own), I text him with a note that the suitcase will be left in my car (it’s a keypad entry) and please leave the keys to house in the car and lock the car.
I am on the phone with a friend around 9:30pm and I see someone peek their head at the top of the glass of my front door.
It is the ex and he rings the bell! I am wondering .. WTF?! You know the keypad code, just pickup the suitcase, drop off the keys in the glove compartment and leave!. So, I open the door and he hands me the keys. I was quickly annoyed and proceeded to ask hiim ‘ why didn’t you just leave the keys in the car?’ but, I stopped.
My face must of looked annoyed or puzzled because he says ‘ I didn’t want to leave the keys in the car’. I took the keys and he begins to say goodnight while I close the door.
Why can’t/ don’t he follow instructions?! I clearly don’t want to see you… I mean, why would I leave the suitcase outside of the house while I was home if it wasn’t because I didn’t want to see him?
It truly annoys me how he handles a situation which is discussed to be handled one way, and does it slightly different.
I like to control my dose of if/how/when I contact him and when he shows up or deviates from the plan, I feel he is disrespecting my boundaries and I am out of control of the situation.
It sucks..
Whew! Had to get that off my chest..
Thanks for reading
Lucy,
Yes i did make it clear. changing my number is not an option. We work and study in the same place. She will get my number no matter what. Changing my number will also means having to change my business card which was just re-designed. I guess i will just avoid her calls and texts. I’m thinking of changing my job. When i does that, she will be completely out of my life.
Mike,
I’m enjoying my life without alcohol. I feel more refreshed each day and i could process my feelings and thoughts better now.
Thanks for the advices people. I really appreciate them.
Btw, i’ve heard from my friends, they said that it was proven that there will be a period when we love our ex more than ever after the breakup. Is it true? They said that it was human nature to want something even more after it had left them? Does it apply to relationships also? Loving the ex more after the breakup?
I’m struggling so much right now. My ex and I have 3 kids and he constantly needs to speak to me, always using something about the kids as his lead-in, but always ending up just chatting about his life. Its hurtful to me and makes NC difficult at best. I understand the need to communicate about the kids but I don’t want to hear the rest.
Anybody have any ideas on how to maintain NC when we have kids and constant scheduling issues?
Hi everyone. I am sorry I haven’t been on. I was ashamed to admit what has been happening in my life. My ex came back and (eye roll) everything I wanted to hear and I prayed to hear, that he had changed and realized and he even emailed my parents and apologized to them for letting them down (”you trust me to take care of your daughter and i didn’t, I should have done more”). We went to dinner and told me it all face to face, even shedding a couple tears, and asked me for another chance. That was about 3 weeks ago. He said he wanted to take things slow and that he wanted me to be open about my feelings and that we had to have open communication this time for it to work. Well, we hung out one other time and again after he texted me “I love you. we are amazing.” I thought it was strange that now his life consisted almost entirely of him going to the bars. He had made some changes in his life, like going to see his grandparents more, that I had suggested while we were together, but it seemed that his priority was to go out with the guys. I tried not to expect too much from him, but I felt that he should be putting an effort into showing me how he felt and not just telling me. I was waiting for the actions to back up the sweet things he had said when he first came back, and instead it was obvious that I was his back up plan - something to do when something better didn’t present itself. I was not just a new girl, random girl, I had put 3 years into this man and had already dealt with a lot of pain that had resulted from his actions, and now here I was doing it again. Every time I brought it up, as he had encouraged me to express myself and I was always hesitant to do, he would say “we are taking things slow.” Finally, he had broken a promise to me and I felt that I had to stand up for myself. I had not expected some obnoxious display of apologies but if what he was saying was true, I should feel at least relatively important to him. So, I took the opportunity to simply point out that I didn’t expect a lot from him, just an effort. That if what he said was true, he would WANT to see me, talk to me, and that I wouldn’t be placed on a back burner. I tried to be understanding of him, but in doing so I was often making excuses for him neglecting me and my feelings. I would no longer do that. That was Saturday.
Sunday we found out my mom has lung cancer. She has to have surgery this week to remove part of her lung. This is devastating news to me and my family and we are really trying to be strong about it. I am trying not to let my imagination run wild, and really doing my best to remain strong for her and my sister and dad. My dad is my mom’s rock, my brother in law is so amazing with my sister, and there was I, with no one to my side because the man I chose to love, who I thought was my partner couldn’t handle me being homesick. Well, when he called Sunday night I was a wreck and told him about my mom. He seemed shocked and didn’t know what to say. He told me that he wanted me to call him and was kind of upset that I didn’t call him as soon as I found out and instead waited until he called me. I explained that he wasn’t there for me when I was in front of him and needed him, and I couldn’t trust him to be there now so it was difficult for me to even tell him and cry to him. He said that he has changed into a bigger person now.
Yesterday, monday, he “broke up” with me again. He said that he didn’t want a relationship and felt as if he was forcing himself (when he was the one who set the stage - I made sure not to call him, or make plans with him or anything). He even told me about how he was going out to the bars on Wednesday night for one of the girl’s from classes good bye party - the night of my mom’s surgery!
Two of the worst times in my life and both he has kicked me while I was down. I wanted to believe him, that he had changed, and I was open to just seeing who he was so that I at least new if he was the person I fell in love with, or the jerk he turned into when I moved to him … I know I found my answer, but it still hurts.
Hope: don’t apologize for the length of your post…I’m so glad you’re here!
I’m sorry to hear about your mom. If it’s any consolation, my aunt had operable lung cancer and was cancer-free for over 10 years, meaning she beat it. I know that all cancer is tough and terrible but operable lung cancer usually has very good rates of recovery (that is what my family was told and my aunt was operated on over 25 years ago so I believe it is probably true). I’m wishing good things for your mom!
Second….the ex sounds like a real gem…you are better off without him….apparently his overtures are about him and definitely not about you.
We all deserve people who will be there in our darkest hours. THAT is what a partner is and what they’re there for.
You deserve so much better. Take care of you and hang in there….keep venting here…we care about you!
Hope, sorry to hear about your mom and that you felt abandoned during a particularly stressful time in your life.
Don’t be embarassed or beat yourself up for giving the ex another try. He is lucky that you gave him that. In fact, I think your new found wisdom came out….this time you were looking to see if his actions matched his words (remember what Susan says: love is an action).
So, you have learned something and you are growing and I am proud of you! You are changing! You are looking to do what is better for you.
My thoughts & prayers are with you & your family!!!
Thank you so much Susan! I have made sure to keep up every day and read, just haven’t posted. I know that giving him a second chance was not the smartest idea, but I wanted to see him for who he really is NOW. The guy that I fell in love with was sweet, romantic, sensitive, and did SO many things to show me he loved me. He seemed to do it effortlessly and as you know moving on for me wasn’t only difficult, it was impossible as long as I was holding onto that person, to that memory. I now know that it wasn’t the situation that brought out the worst in him, it wasn’t something I said or did, it was just how he had changed and who he was and is now. It is so frustrating because I really didn’t expect much from him at all, yet he makes it to be my fault and makes me feel as if my feelings were unreasonable (to feel important? what a horrible request to make). The good news is that I fought my codependent ways. There were times that I wanted so badly to do just about anything to make him love me again, and I didn’t. I sat back and watched him unfold before my eyes (admitting to driving drunk, stealing his father’s pain killers for a stiff neck, etc). He wasnt who I loved, and probably wouldn’t be him again.
It just really hurts that he is so selfish to not understand that I have feelings. Once again, it doesn’t matter what I am going through, just how he feels and how he is effected. I didnt ask him to stop going out with the guys, just wondered to him why I wasn’t a priority too. He even admitted he wasn’t doing enough and that I deserved more then he had been showing me. I truly dont understand the people who reflect at least enough to admit that about them, but do nothing to change it. Even yesterday he said “i dont know why I am the way I am. All I can say is I am sorry” when I pointed out the inconsistencies between what he said and how he was acting.
Thank you for the well wishes and prayers for my mom. She has smoked for 36 years but says she never thought that it would happen to her. I am so scared of losing her, but hearing success stories gives me such comfort. We lost my uncle to lung cancer and it was so hard to watch the pain he went through. I told her if she loses her hair I am going to shave my head! My family is very close, we are very blessed for that. And hopefully we will remain strong and beat this. I just have a hard time staying strong for everyone, and when I get alone I crumble.
Thank you so much ‘Nese!! Words cannot adequately describe how much I appreciate your words - from the bottom of my heart thank you esp for your prayers!
He has this way of always making me feel wrong, or wishing that I didn’t stand up for myself, but this time I can’t beat myself up like I did. I refuse to.
I have been reading this website posts for about a week or more.
I fit right in. I had lived with my boyfriend for 6 years and asked him to move out. I was going through a very tough time and he was emotionally and financially unavailable. Afterward I told him if we were meant to be we would be and if not then it’s best.
Wow did things go wrong! He was very angry and hurt that I asked him to move out. He did not work on himself or our relationship and that’s when I realized that I asked him to move out so that he would WORK at the relationship. Instead he let it go. I continued to believe and hope that he would “come around” to seeing what a wonderful woman I was and do the “work”. Instead he found another woman to be sexual with..but no intimacy.
That knocked me down bad. Our sex life was practically non-existant for years and got worse by the year and when I found out about “her” I went out of my mind. Since then I’ve worked very hard at acceptance. He is who he is and is capable of limited intimacy with woman. He does love me..as much as he can..but we are at a stand still.
I now attend Alanon (we are both recovering for over 18 yrs) and work with a sponsor for Women Who Love Too Much. I am working very hard at focusing on me and my recovery. My sponsor says I am doing very well and that I’m a survivor. I’ve always know that but it sure was good to hear it.
I have custody of my grand daughter and he is the only male in her life and cherishes her. He is very kind to me and visits once a week with her.
I still love him and know that being with another man is not going to work because when I tried I compared all of them to him. When I went onto the dating sites I described him! I’m staying single and working on building relationships with girlfriends and myself. So far so good.
I don’t do NC and do see it as a hinderance to letting go completely. I make the choice to allow him to be grandpa and have his visits. Once in a while we do something together like dinner or a ride on his Harley, but I don’t fool myself into beleiving it’s anything more than what it is.
By the way it’s been 2 yrs since we lived together and a year and a half since we’ve been sexual together. I know it’s over but it takes what it takes for me to move on.
Confused, it must be really hard the thought of bumping into your ex around work. Stay strong, and maybe think of an action plan for how you’ll deal with it if and when it happens.
Hope, I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. You deserve better girl. hang in there and know that you can get through this. Best wishes and healing thoughts to your Mum.
Cat and Rebecca, I went on a couple of dates about 6 weeks after my break-up. It was partly to take my mind off the ex. On one of the dates I thought about my ex the whole way through, on the other date (a different guy who I’d fancied for a few months) I had a great time :-) I’m now at the 3 month NC point and am going on a date this weekend (through a dating website)… Like you say, I think it depends on your mindset when you start dating again… I keep checking how I’m feeling about it, and will continue to monitor how it makes me feel, and whether I’m dating for healthy reasons or out of neediness/desperation!
Beatrice and Kalo, I read on another thread that you’re not doing too good. My thoughts are with you, hang in there. I’m at the 3 month point now, and can honestly say that overall I feel significantly better than I did a few weeks ago. It will get better, you are getting through this.
Newday, twas good to see you smile… Here’s one right back at ya :-) Take good care, thinking of you and sending you good vibes.
I am doing OK…I finally got my new car, YAY! So that part is great, actually.
Mother’s day was terrific - My boyfriend and I took my mother out to dinner at lovely place called the Kimberton Inn in PA…built in 1793 it was originally a tavern in a one horse town. It is still a one horse town! We talked and relaxed and had a wonderful meal. My boyfriend’s mother is in Hawaii and she called to thank the BF for the flowers. It was uneventful and we just got a chance to relax after a very hectic week.
I’m being inundated with work, trying to tread water in a sea of projects and paperwork. I’m reading the blog and doing my best to keep up with getting all the posts up that need review…Susan has been covering my butt on that one! I admit I have been derelict in my duties as I have just been overwhelmed with things to accomplish. Even so, I am keeping up with my therapy by reading the blog and everyone’s posts and also going to counseling -ONCE AGAIN.
The whole thing with my sister was eating at me and so I felt I needed an outlet, an impartial party to talk to before I just spilled it all to the BF or someone that didn’t need another burden. It would NOT have been fair at all to lay all of the junk I am toting around about my twin sister on the BF! He deserves better than that. So, I’m back in therapy again -this time with a grief counselor. She’s my first real, certified grief counselor. It’s pretty interesting. She has a whole different strategy than any other counselor I’ve ever had…it’s softer, more understanding…I like it. :)
My phone service went out and I also had that hassle. But it was OK because the slly repair guy was afraid of my Boston terrier. I removed her from his presence, but it was pretty funny considering the human fear and pains that people on this blog and myself have delat with and he’s afraid of a dog that’s just watching him move cable around!
Well, that’s it for now! The best to everyone!!!
sunshine,
thanks for thinking of us. i know it will get better. summer will be hard but i’m trying my best. i know/understand that i do not need to cry/get upset over someone who doesnt deserve my time. there are times that i think of my ex with someone else and it brings me to tears…but i have to keep remembering that i shouldnt care about someone who didnt feel that way about me.
im already planning on getting involved this summer…staying busy. thanks for the support!
I hear ya. Good job setting boundaries! I love hearing about people creating healthy boundaries in their lives. You’ve come a long way, it seems. I remember — I think it was you — when he was still living in the that house. So, he’s out now. And you made that happen.
Boundaries aren’t easy. And continuing to set them with someone has been even harder. But some people have a hard time hearing… so I just keep repeating myself…til they do.
I can see the progress you’ve made… and it gives me hope that maybe I’ve made some, too. (I’ve been completely NC since December when my ex(after 3 months of NC) sent me a cheerful Xmas greeting: “I’m dating someone…and it feels really good.” I sent him a note telling him not to contact me in any way…and, thankfully, he hasn’t.)
I’ve been lucky, though. I think the fact that he lives in another state has made all the difference. And, I do feel fortunate that he’s with someone new.
Anyhow, it’s good to hear how you’re doing. Venting is good…Go, venting!
deadMAN,
I don’t believe what you have heard through hearsay with your friends. What I think they are referring to is a phase in the process of abandonment healing called “shattering”. It’s not love.
WorkingOnIt,
Way to go to try to keep your ex on the end of a 20-ft pole. Too bad he slithered up. Well, you just know you’ve got to do better than that with directions. How about leaving the whatever behind some kind of bush? And then telling him not to come to the door or ring the bell, because you’re not gonna answer it. Bananahead. He was messing with you, I think. And trying to do it “his” way.
Kalo,
Join the Sushilicious meetup group. And the 20s and 30s Going Out meetup group. And if you like to dance, join the DC Salsa meetup group. You can be busy 3 or 4 times or more a week with fun new people if you want to be.
And I think you *DO* need to cry. Cry the heck out of it. I agree with you, that a “waste is a horrible thing to mind”, but I hurt myself by not crying enough. Cry. You *will* be able to stop. And it will carry you over the rocks and down the river further. And seriously do the relationship inventory that Susan has here if you haven’t done it yet.
I’m sorry to hear of your mom’s diagnosis. I send all good wishes and vibes to your mom and all your family as you walk this road together.
You did really well for yourself by observing the ex’s actions
this time around. Give yourself a lot of credit for that. Now
you know, and that is empowering. Be extra loving and
caring to YOU now.
I’m sorry about your Mom. I’ll light a candle for her and you tomorrow. I send you love and healing thoughts. I’m glad your family is close. Although I’m sure they’re a good support, know that you can “crumble” here… get further support.
I’m doing OK.
I’m concentrating on releasing the past and focusing on the now.
I’m making a plan to do Anderson’s exercises in her book on a regular basis.
Hope, I wish you resilience and strength for what your family is facing. I was pleased to hear that you saw the situation with your ex with more clarity than before. I continue to see the situation I was in more clearly, and am pleased to go through blocks of time in which there is no thought of it.
I feel better now. Have been doing a lot of work (and still have to, in the following days) and feel more distanced to the breakup now. Making plans for the future, have booked a trip with my family (parents, brother, his family etc) end of July and looking forward to it. Tomorrow it’s 6 weeks since the breakup and it feels like a lot has happened inside me in only the last week. Writing and reading on this forum here has also triggered a lot of things. Feeling some kind of peace and much calmer than during the relationship (I was very tense back then). Feels like I have already come a long way. And I am excited at times, when I think of the future.
And yet, I find it so sad. Not particularly for MY relationship (although I am still attached to parts of it), but in general, this loosing of joint dreams and hopes, the idealism of the beginning…its so sad to realise that most (almost all) relationships end at some point in time. Its so rare (and so wonderful!) whenever people really manage to grow old together………..
It feels like some sort of death, because the relationship is a living being to me, and when two people leave each other, the relationship dies (or has already died, mostly!). It is a loss, and I find that so hard to accept sometimes.
Still, would like to end this on a positive note, b/c I am better right now. Hopes for the future!
Hope… I’m so sorry to hear about your experience..
Well…now you know for sure how he is… It seems like he’s just coming when he wants and leaving at his whim and fancy ( so similar to my ex). It’s his weakness that he’s emotionally so unstable and inconsistant.
Please take care of yourself and vow NC…. You don’t need a person like him.
I’m very sorry to hear about your mom as well….hope the surgery goes well.
Stay strong…we are all here for you… don’t break down and every go back to your ex even if he tries to contact you.
Lean on your family at this trying time.
Sadly… around this same time of the break up with my ex…another really close male friend of mine who I was mainly in touch with via chat has also sort of changed and I feel abandoned. I see he’s been contacting other people, but he’s not even checked in to see how I’ve been doing in the last 2 months… it hurts also that now after the first shock of the break up with the ex, I have to go through it all over again with this close friend of mine :( We used to chat almost every day for the last 5 years (even if it was just ‘hi’…. )… and we’d share whatever was going on with each other for so long. He is well aware of the break up with my ex and offered advice and support for a short time but then just hasn’t been in touch. It’s really hurting to lose two close males in your life at the same time….. they were the only two of the opposite sex that I was really close to and they have changed. I feel awful.
There was no fight or anything that could have caused the friend to leave….. even when I asked him when he’d be online coz I started to call him once a week just to ask when he’d be online regularly as usual etc…. he said the internet was distracting him (he’s a musician) and hence hasn’t been online but to check mails or facebook etc…. He has time to send mails to our other common friends…even if it is one line or to txt them etc… but he doesn’t care enough to get in touch with me and for what…. I have no clue.
Why did I have to lose both these guys around the same time?! I’ve known the friend for almost 8 years!!! That’s a hell of a long time! :(
Well… gotto keep pushing myself double the amount now….
I am facing a similar problem. This friend of mine, she was the one I had taken my relationship problems to. Not always. See, I was never the one to talk about problems between X and I until last March (2007). By then I had no close friend where I was living. But by March 2007, this friend and I became quite close. I trusted her because she is very good person, she has been through her share of relationships (vs mine was the first ever relationship - lasting 5 years) and she is quite logical when need be.
Anyway, I came back to India at the beginning of Nov 2007 and still used to call her if there was a particularly vicious fight between X and I. But since the break-up at the end of Feb 2008, she has never even once asked me how I am doing. My X got engaged a week after the break-up to one of his collegues which shattered me all over again. I called her to tell her that. She talked to me then. But still, she never bothered to even email me afterwards. Since Feb 2008, I emailed her about 8 times. Twice to get her opinion on something related to career. Not ONE email was regarding X and related problems. I thought I had bothered her enough, so let’s just talk about other things. But no reply. Never bothered to check if I was ok. I wonder if she thinks that I have no reason to be sad since I was this unhappy in the relationship. That I should feel more relieved than anything else. Anyway.
And during those calls to her to cry, after I was done crying, whining and what not, we used to chat about anything and everything. I am half convinced I have driven her away by my crying. Fortunately, I don’t feel abandoned as I was definitely feeling till the end of Feb. I am spending time with other friends, catching up with long-lost friends since I am back in India after a long time.
It’s always a shock when the person you trusted disappears from your life suddenly. So, I am sure you have other good friends, if not close ones. I am sure you have made attempts to see what’s happening in his life to make him go away like that. I guess the theory of “stay out of X’s head” applies here as well. That’s what I am doing. Trying to not wonder what she is thinking about me, if I really have driven her away etc. I made my effort to connect to her, for about 2.5 months (time since break-up). And I am right here if she wants to connect back.
Actually I came here today to tell you folks about something strange I came to know last night through the mutual friend of X and I (let’s call her MF).
Recap of the situation is in order: X and I - together for 5 years. Broke-up at the end of Feb 2008. X got engaged to another girl in first week of march, let’s call her OG (other girl). Apparently, OG had a boyfriend (call him B) with whom she had fought about a week before X’s and mine break-up. (I have a suspicion that X and OG started dating immediately and have been attracted to each other for a month before that.) OG and B had been together for 6 years.
B had no idea that the fight was a break-up fight. No words said like ‘it’s over’ or so. And OG just happily went ahead to get engaged! A week after engagement, B went to see OG thinking she would pick him from airport as usual. Instead, someone else came and told him about OG’s engagement.
Soap opera? Yeah.
B was stunned, in complete disbelief, couldn’t process what happened. X, OG, B and MF work in the same company now. (Joined at various dates.) So poor B has to see OG and X together. Through MF, I came to know what a screwed up girl OG is. How she used to filrt with people at the company while B was staying somewhere else, how she has no regard for other people’s feelings etc etc. But for B, she is this innocent girl lured away by X!
Next episode of the opera is now in writing, as B wants to talk to me to get to know how X could do this! Not how OG could do this, but how X could do this. Unfortunately for him, his friends are reluctant to tell him about real her because they think B and OG will eventually get back together. Apparently nobody believes X’s and OG’s relationship to be anything other than a rebound! At least my friends were good enough to let me know what they really thought of X which helped me see him in different light. Not so much help for him.
I have agreed to talk to him, although I am not sure what to talk. I guess, I feel strong enough to take a bit more active part in this drama. I will obviously relate here what happens in this episode if he doesn’t mind! So… stay tuned.
It’s been three weeks ago today I got the speech. “You are great and you’ve done so much for me but you aren’t the one.” The problem is the rest of thought I was. His kids came over Mother’s Day with flowers and a picture to tell me how much they miss me and how they thought I was going to be their step mom.
I’m having a tough morning. Yesterday had been good with less thoughts of him. Then last night I checked the website he is on which is stupid. I hoped to see he was on so I knew he and the new GF weren’t working out. It doesn’t matter I tell myself and then I got mad at myself for doing this. I know it is over. I know I need to focus on myself and I want to move forward. Then I fall back to this behavior.
Last night I journalled before going to bed but I didn’t sleep great. This morning I’m depressed, and I haven’t found any words of wisdom to focus on.
Thank you all so much for your support, and encouragement, prayers and love. I cannot tell you as there are no words to adequately describe the depth of appreciation that I feel for each of you. If there is one thing that I have learned through this entire experience, it is about the human spirit. I am constantly amazed by each of you, by your strength and your compassion to a complete stranger. I know we all have never really met (well, since I haven’t been able to make it to a seminar yet :( ) but I hold you all very close to my heart. Knowing you has really made me put my other relationships into perspective, and for that also I am eternally grateful. I am sure I will need a place to crumble in the weeks to come, but right now I am doing my best to remain strong and positive. I almost feel as if God throws tests at me when I allow the ex in my life, to show me the truth of what kind of partner he really is, and honestly, I will listen to it this time. For many reasons, one of which I would be afraid of what would happen next. The minute that I start to doubt myself about the ex, that I start to point a finger and say that I am being too hard on him (something that he has ingrained within me) I remember the fact that I was not important enough to him for him to even remember when my mom’s surgery was scheduled for - while we would be rallying around my mom, he will be drinking shots with his friends (all of whom were no where when he needed someone). I will never forgive him for that - whether he went or not, or even since my mom’s surgery was rescheduled - it was the heartless act of telling me that he was excited to go out Wed night … once again, he put me in my place. The saddest and most disgusting part to me is that he is probably sulking somewhere playing the victim, pitying himself that he had offered to be there for me and I am not taking him up on it. Well, I will not allow him to lessen his own guilt by making what little attempt he would at comforting me just so that he can feel better having treated me the way he did after all that I had done for him during his time of need.
I am proud of myself for NOT letting my guard down and believing him, for trusting myself and my instincts, because if I hadn’t and I had allowed myself to fall back in, I just still dont understand how some people can look themselves in the mirror. But I will never understand it, and I wont try to anymore.
The last 11 months I have spent crying over someone who had no trouble getting on with his life - these last 11 months I have allowed him to consume my thoughts and my self. These could be the last 11 months that I had with my mom. The doctors are optimistic, and so is she, but it still puts it into perspective. After 3 years of loving him, 11 months of trying to get over him, and two chances given to him, I will not waste another month thinking about him.
I am just so scared … and tring to be strong for everyone, but a mess on the inside.
You’re right Hope. That is one thing that got me in my last breakup…how much time I wasted trying to get over it and how much time I was spending NOT doing other things….there’s a lot you miss when you’re in recovery mode…and wasting tears and time on the wrong people keeps us from so very much. It’s been about 13 years since I’ve cried over some guy…and I’ve gotten a lot done and spent time with people who matter. Thanks for sharing.
Serenity,
I checked out the meetup thing you were talking about. It looks great. i havent signed up for anything yet but will!
i am considering taking some summer lanuage courses so it mgiht be nice to join a lanuage meetup group.
thanks for the advice.
you said you were in the area for not too much longer. are you moving?
Hope, hang in there. I know what you mean about being amazed by the support of everyone on this blog. it truly is wonderful to know you have friends, people who support you, who know exactly what you’re feeling/going through/your emotions,etc and yet we’ve never met. it’s comforting. we’re here. someone is always here.
Stay close to this blog. Hear the stories of hope, of people moving on, of people accepting the change and becoming the best person they can be.
i read stories of people who were exactly like me when i first started coming to this site (when the break-up just started)…it makes me see my progress. but then i read about people who are strong and who are letting go and moving on and i see that i still have a while to go. it’s been 3.5 months since the break-up and 2 weeks since i last saw him and NC….total and complete NC since our last meeting. NC is the way to go and as someone said…it’s about going the route with the least pain. there is always someone to talk to and resonate with.
Hang in there.
Mayee, I read the soap opera you wrote. And I have to tell you from personal experience- my advice is to stay out. You will only get yourself riled up and wrapped up again on it.
At the most, you might think about writing a note to X telling him what you know and giving him advice. But I suggest you tell him you want NC from the whole stupid drama. You have moved on to a much better, self-aware place, and they are still all acting out their various unaware roles.
As Susan says, “Take care of Mayee!” And let those others deal with THEIR problems. Those problems aren’t YOURS anymore, thank goodness!
Mayee,
I had the same response as Serenity. Let B figure out
his own relationship woes. They really have nothing to do
with you. If the mutual friend is a true friend, she will honor
your request to no longer talk to you about your ex or
any part of the soap opera. But you have to set that
boundary first. It would probably help to focus on you
and why you are still hooked in emotionally–what are you
getting from hearing about all of that? What would you get
from talking to B? Why do you think it would be a show
of strength on your part to talk to him? It seems for some
reason you still want to be part of the soap opera. What is
that reason?
It seems you think X wants to talk to me. It’s actually Mr B who wants to talk. I know… it’s as confusing as any soap…
Kathy, Serenity,
I do keep wondering, what is it that I am going to get out of it. I thought it would be a bit of test for me because, for almost 2 weeks, thoughts of X are distant and I feel stronger. About 10 days ago, like Greenroses said, it was just a word that I read in a book that made me sad again. I cried just a bit though. Then, last week, I had made some snack which X used to like and I thought of him. But I realized that I thought of him more out of reflex than out of missing him. Today, I cooked something else that we used cook and didn’t feel even a twinge.
So, I know, I haven’t let go of X completely. But I just want to see if I can put the lessons I learned here to practice while talking about him. I know, I am ignoring the first lesson of not taking part in the drama at all! But, I just feel like testing my own water now… Does that make sense?
As for the reason why I want to be part of the soap… I am…really not sure… not even sure whether I WANT to be part of it… I know it looks like so, but really I am looking at this to check how far I have come…
Mayee,
Test yourself? For what it’s worth, it sounds like you are rationalizing. The real test is living well and not getting
sucked into the drama. It’s absolutely your choice, of
course, and I wish you only the best.
Ok… I know I will end up making the choice of talking to him if he calls, but I need to think it through. I do seem to be rationalizing. I do need to figure out why I need this drama. The least I could do is, go into it with my conscience as clear about what I am doing as possible.
I guess, I haven’t learned to walk the line properly yet, but DO keep me in line as you have done always. It’s a difficult thing for me to learn, walking the line. I was going to cross it by sending X our photos… But didn’t do that. Let’s see if I can figure out why I am doing this now.
Maybe you could look at it a different way, if it helps. Instead
of putting your energy into learning to walk the line with all
that, why not just walk away? Try it, you’ll like it. ;)
Kalo, it’s a pleasure to be of some help/support to you :-) Like you, I have lots of happy memories of the last 2 summers spent with my ex… I’m determined to make new happy memories this summer. I’d like to echo what Serenity said about letting yourself cry if you really want/need to. I think it’s necessary to feel the feelings in order to get past them. There are no “shoulds” about how to feel or not feel, they are your feelings. Tomorrow (15th) it will be exactly 3 months since my split and the same period NC, and I feel sad that it’s over. I do have a good cry sometimes. On the plus side, I’ve finished my forgiveness/goodbye letter to my ex. Take care Kalo :-)
Anna, hang in there, it will get better. Keep doing all the things you need to do to take care of yourself, inc. nice things for yourself, good/healthy food, exercise, time with friends, listening to tunes you enjoy, and just taking each day as it comes, not looking too far ahead. All these sorts of things have helped me through the last 3 months, through the lowest of times when I felt a huge gaping hole in my heart and in my life. Take good care, sending you good vibes… :-)
Newday, my forgiveness letter is done. Your posting the other day was the catalyst for me writing it (I’d been thinking about doing it sometime soon), so thank you. I’m going to burn it in the next few days… Tomorrow it will be exactly 3 months since the split, and the same period NC… I feel quite sad, yet I also know I am and will be ok… It just wasn’t meant to be… It felt good to write the forgiveness/goodbye letter, like a real letting go… I hope you’re ok, good vibes to you as always :-)
There’s this great analogy told in a magazine I had; the author, who was discussing the drama in her mind after a breakup, found it in the Buddhist literature.
A dog automatically chases after something that is thrown, excitedly and intently, and fetches it.
A lion looks back to see who has thrown the thing.
To take what I just posted a little further, Cat posted a while ago about something she learned in therapy; how to take a moment of obsession/thinking about the ex and turn it around and look inside herself and see WHAT SHE IS FEELING that would push her thoughts that way. Lonely? Wanting sweetness? Wanting someone to care? Wanting a pat on the head? And then she went about taking care of that HERSELF.
I’ve tried it and used self-talk and imagery of my inner child and inner adult to work at feeding those needs that push my mind in unhealthy directions.
I think this is an excellent example of being the LION.
Something that is very much encouraged on this site, but I think we all have lacked an education in how to “Take care of YOU”.
i finally have the courage to put away everything. I removed the photos in my wallet, removed the ring… guess how much relieved i felt? I feel so much lighter than before.
I hope everyone is still hanging onto the NC… Don’t break it people. Take care of yourself! Best wishes!
Thanks alot. Yeah, I’ve been bit by bit caring about myself… I know the lonliness and the gaping hole in my heart have gotten a bit better, but it will take more time and more work before it goes away completely.
I will try to do more good things for myself… thanks!
Serenity, you are an inspiration to me as well. I was the dog up until lately. I think we both and many others are learning how to be a lion. The people here make me feel apart of something bigger than myself. I feel a real deep pride to have been dumped and coming out on the other side lighter and interested in life from a set of new eyes.
The sad thing is, I didn’t learn a lot of the good stuff from a therapist, I learned it from books, this site and asking myself the questions. I deeply believe we all possess every answer to our questions, because, they are OUR questions to OURself. You’re an amazing person Serenity, you’ve captured my attention and heart in the matters of what matter, comaderie and sharing. Thanks.
deadMan,
I had to smile when I read your post of getting rid of everything. Somewhere in the Florida bay is a pair of Tiffany earrings and necklace….I felt GREAT tossing those little jewels away! It still makes me smile.
So guys, I totally moved out of the place I lived for over three years and back to my hometown.
Being with my X had prevented me from seeing how much I disliked living there. Living there had also presented *so* many triggers for me and my obsession. Futhermore, I had to run into my X’s car all the time. So, I left a really good-paying job and moved.
I feel so much better to be back home, but there are a lot of things I’ll have to scramble around for. I found a similar job, but I can’t get the hours because only full-timers are allowed those, and full-time positions seldom come up. I really want to start my own business, but that is a super-scary thing.
So, no big surprise, my mind is trying to play the obsession game and I’m having very vivid weird dreams, some of which incorporate the X. This is uncomfortable.
So, lots of things on the good side, fighting my mind on the bad side, but winning over my mind a lot more than before (I definitely have more tools).
I haven’t posted here in awhile, so I think I will give an update on the check in thread.
About 2 weeks ago, as some may recall, I posted about breaking NC with my ex which of course was a bad thing, esp after maintaining it for 3 months. Nothing went better ( of course) and on top of that she told me she was dating someone new and that it was pathetic I hadn’t moved on yet and that I should.
Well, that was about all I could take. I had a panic attack. My face/neck became numb and tingling. It was a very scary experience for anyone in the same situation.
After that, not talking for 3 months all I got was a few extremely hurtful sentences, I trashed everything, and I do mean everything from my ex. All gifts, pictures, cards, every trace of it got destroyed and tossed.
Now fastforwarding and moving on. I’m not sure really what happened. I felt for about one week after that incident that I had made no progress, I was depressed beyond belief (again) and that I was going nowhere, everything was hopeless and bleak.
I was talking to my friend about this that lives here about the whole situation.
It is strange. Something just clicked. I don’t know if I just hit that point or what. But I do believe that I am pretty much over my ex. I still miss her a bit, but it was like that NC being broken and throwing everything away is what really liberated me. I don’t even dwell on the situation anymore nor think about it as often.
I really put myself down for too long and I made the decision that I wasn’t going to chase a ghost anymore, nor allow myself to feel bad over an incident that occured 8 months ago. Enough was enough and from that day forward, even being single I was going to tackle each day to the best of my ability.
Through my worst times in my life, I got into grad school and completed that semester with a 4.0……I did this without any type of support, during my break up and depression.
If I quit and didn’t get admitted into grad school, that would have been an acceptable excuse.
If I barely passed with a shitty grade that semester, I could give myself a pat on the back for just getting through.
I didn’t even stop there, I got a 4.0 without my ex and all by myself. I overlooked this and severely undercredited all my accomplishments thus far.
Not to mention I’m 23, living by myself, and despite my adversities, I still overcame the situation. I don’t know a lot of men my age that have been through the same thing, yet can still be the nice person that I am at the same time.
I have been wrapped up too long in thinking poorly of myself and feeding into my ex’s negativity for too long. I am turning a new page, and I feel incredible now that I can acknowledge my own accomplishments thus far, and still to come.
Yeah, Michael! You sound so good. Very glad for you and your page turn. And a woohoo for your 4.0! You’ve worked hard to be able to say “I feel incredible now,” and it’s so good, and such an inspiration, that you know you deserve to be happy.
Here’s the funny part, for me. Past a certain point in the relationship, the ex did NOT make me happy (!!!), something I couldn’t even begin to admit to myself until I’d done a lot of the grief work. I was so focused on making him happy that I never even stopped to consider whether he was giving me what I needed. (???)
So now I’m always asking myself, even with new friends, how does this person make me feel? How do I feel about myself when I spend time with him/her? If I’m honest, beyond the early courtship stage, the ex would never have passed this simple, fundamental relationship test.
And thanks to this site I know now I have to be the one to make me happy—it can’t come from anyone else but me. And part of taking care of myself is constantly asking the question “How does this person/situation make me feel?” It does matter. We do.
Anyway, glad to hear you’re doing so well. Sending lots of good thoughts to you and anyone struggling today….
So good to hear from you. Sending good thoughts to you and your mom and family. I think the posters here are very good and powerful when it comes to love, so just know that you and your mom are being surrounded with so much affection and support right now. And then, your mom always has you: Hope! xxxooo
Serenity,
LOVE the lion thing. Yes! And reminds me of the black dog/white dog story. The black dog is everything negative in your life; the white dog is all the love. Which dog will get bigger? The one you feed….
All your posts here are like the lighting of a candle. Thank you for caring about all of us and sharing what you’ve learned by way of your own pain. And you do sound like you’ve made quite a lot of progress. There’s the same kindness as ever, but a new freedom, too, in your posts. Very glad for you. (-;
You’ve always been very supportive of all the members here, including myself, and I greatly appreciate it. It hasen’t been easy, and I think everyone naturally reaching that ‘turning point’ eventually.
One thing I wanted to say was, I never used to understand many years ago why women stayed in a relationship with abusive men. This isn’t a gender attack, but just a mere observation. From any logical person’s point of view it is a no brainer if anything.
You are getting slapped, abused, yelled at, etc….why in the world are you still with this person ? This was something that I never really understood.
Until my situation also occured. Like you bluebird, my ex ceased to make me happy about a good 5 months prior to our break up. She broke up with me on our 2nd year anniversary, left me for dead at my lowest point in life struggling to get into grad school, I had nothing, I had no one. I became an alcoholic and depressed.
If I lost my job, and didn’t get admitted into grad school, I don’t think anyone would have blamed me. Honestly.
I learned a lot about myself and being able to overcome. That is the biggest thing: Overcome.
Life isn’t going to change for you, nor did it for me. I was waiting for so many months for it to change and it never did. All I was doing was begging someone who treated me like crap to do it some more.
In my head, her lousy treatment to me was better than being alone. If this sounds sick and unhealthy, you are absolutely correct.
I won’t say that there are times where I still don’t get down, but honestly every time I think about my ex or some notion about her I tell myself that I am very capable of being independent without her, I am capable of doing this at the worst of my times, and I don’t need her to be happy or complete me.
I think that you truely need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. If I meet someone, then awesome, if not, I made it still happen anyway.
I became hostage and too dependent on a female to complete my life and make me happy. The thing is, all along I was able to do it myself.
Everyone on this blog is able to do it themselves. No matter what you went through in the past, it dosen’t need to affect the future, unless you let it.
Bluebird, that’s great advice about constantly asking the question “How does this person/situation make me feel?”
Michael, I’m so pleased you’ve turned the corner and can see your own self-worth at last. I’ve always thought you sound like a great guy, really switched on :-)
Anna, I’m glad you’re feeling better little by little. About your friend who also “left” you around the time of the break-up, it’s hard to think of it this way, but it’s down to his stuff, and yeah, you have no idea what that stuff is unfortunately. Have you tried asking him what’s up? Or has he not responded when you’ve asked? If you’ve tried, but he’s not communicating with you, I guess it’s good to ask yourself the question “Do I really want/need this kind of person as a close friend - someone who can leave me out in the cold when I need them most?” For me, this whole break-up thing has really showed me who out of my friends is really & truly there for me and who isn’t… some of my friends have been great, others have kinda let me down, but as long as I have those others who are really there for me I figure it’s ok… We’re all human at the end of the day, we’re fallible, and we let people down sometimes even if it’s unintentional… I hope this helps a bit… Just some of my thoughts about it.
Newday, I burned the letter last night, been feeling a bit sad today, am ok though… Tomorrow is a New day (no pun intended! :-P) Thanks for your message saying you’re proud of me, I’m gonna be copying it in my gratitude journal at the end of the day :-) I hope you’re doing ok, or well as you possibly can be under the circumstances, love n hugs x
Hopefully your move will bring you more peace. Especially since you have moved back to hometown. I guess, I have had that advantage from the beginning since break-up happened when I was (still am) in my hometown. Just the sight of familiar things somehow shifts your system towards some sort of equilibrium. I came back to India this time after 2.5 years. So, actually lots of things were unfamiliar. But just the same environment, the food, the language, the people and things that hadn’t changed were some kind of constants that had been lost to me. It cushioned the blow for me. I do keep wondering if I go back to the city where we lived together, I probably won’t be doing this good. So it’s good that I am not going there anytime in near future. I am not saying, the move will prove to be same/similar for you, but I do hope it might be.
As for the episode of the soap. I think, I need the drama because there is no other ‘drama’ in my life. As in, I am still unemployed and I had just finished applying to a few jobs (preparation took some time, which was a fantastic distraction from all this). And what do I do when I am done with one phase of applying and get time? Try to continue the drama. For some reason, I have always felt my life is a dull life where I got everything much more easily than some other folks in my life. I always felt that whenever those folks got something, it was after a struggle and hence well deserved. If I had obtained something easily, then it must be undeserved since it involved much less struggle than them. So…I guess I tried to fill my life with different drama, eventually succeeded (or failed depending upon the perspective). This behavior seems just continuation of the same.
Secondly, I WAS rationalizing. Because I needed drama. Apart from thinking it to be a test, I also thought that I could help Mr B since I can see what phase he is in. If I got all the support when I needed it most, shouldn’t I pay it forward at least to some extent? Of course, I did forget the ground rule of ‘protect myself’. I am not in a position to help someone who is also at the suffering end of the SAME situation and who might bring my work done so far crashing down by just mentioning few things.
Now. I have already said yes to talk to him. So, I will. But with protective measures and ground rules. Hopefully, I will make this episode a real short one.
Serenity, I am in awe of your news! You are amazing to have upped and left; such courage. I hope being back in your hometown brings you lots of peace. And how wonderful to be away from the triggers. I have no doubt that you will thrive. Wishing you lots of luck with getting the hours you wish in your job, or better still, in working on making your dream of starting your own business a reality! You have accomplished so much else, I have no doubt you could do it. Good luck!
Michael, it’s so wonderful that you have turned a corner! You can hear the positivity flowing through your post. Best wishes for ongoing growth and healing.
You’ve done amazing work in 3 months!
I’m so happy for you to have worked through so
much pain to get to this better place. Congratulations
on your academic success as well. :)
Wow, just read about all your exes who keep hounding you. I did that when my ex left me so abruptly in July 2007. Kept e-mailing, calling her cell, calling her new home, anything, just to get a reaction. She had shut down, totally detached herself from me, and 14 years. I was nuts! Why couldn’t I do that? My therapist told me that she was handling her leaving the only way she could. Just repressing.
So the week’s not been bad, decided to move to another state. I keep hoping that the state of mind will change as well. I’ve been living in “our” house since she left, and I can’t do it anymore. For the first time in my life, I have no ties, except to friends here, but they’ll always be here, I hope.
Stay strong everyone! If Cathy hadn’t sent me to this site, I don’t know that I’d be doing as well as I’m doing.
Well I am out there again. I have started dating and I am having fun with meetups etc. I went on a horseback ride and toured Fell’s Point two weekends ago and I am using my free time this weekend (without my beautiful little one) to get with a group to eat crabs and embarrass ourselves in Karaoke. Will be an early night though as I am heading to NYC on Saturday for a day trip! Yep, liked it so much when I went to the seminar that I am going back to see more! On the dating front , there are two women that show promise but I am not jumping in with both feet this time around! I did learn a few things from the last relationship (and from reading this site) and am taking this slow and just having fun while I am learning more about them.
Michael, I hear ya man. I was stuck on why for a long time! Part of the analyst brain of mine trying to make sense of the madness. I found a card (figures Hallmark would have this) that I saved and read anytime I started to try to analyze what cannot be figured out:
Why? That’s What we ask. The truth is, we may never be able to know for sure why.
(Inside of card - left)
But we do know that there is no single “should have done” or “could have done” or “did” or “didn’t do” that would have changed that why.
(Inside of card - right)
All that love could do was done.
With Deepest Sympathy
Hopefully this will help you as it did me.
Patrick
Thanks for your post. Yeah… since we used to chat online every day… when he suddenly started to not appear online… I’d call him for a few mins once a week or ten days just asking him how he was (checking in on him) and even asking him indirectly whether it matters to him that he’s not in touch. He’d speak well… and say that he’s just busy and he’ll be back online but has no idea when and that’s it. This went on for about 4-5 times that I called him and then I stopped and once or twice in 3 months he came online… the one time when he was online I told him that I wantec to catch up and share a few things that were going on….he’s always waited to chat with me or hear what I had to say etc… but the last time he was online he said that he doens’t have the time because he has to go out and meet some old friends he hasn’t met in a while (I too was one of the old buddies that he hadn’t spent time with in over a month….so that really crushed me that he could say that)… and he said he’d be online the next day and never came on any of the chat messenger that we’ve used for 8 years… but then I see him on facebook and able to send messages to other people.
And yeah, I think I have reached that stage where I’d think about whether I’d really want to consider him as a good, close friend. I hate that this is happening at the same time as I’ve lost my ex. The ex-friend and I were really good friends, shared everything, cared…were there for each other and now he seems to just have wandered off and wants to move away…. I don’t want to be treated like this…. and I too have not contacted him in anyway for over a month… it was hard to go through the same kind of shock of betrayal and abandonment (though in a smaller form than with the ex) all over again. I have been debating taking him off my facebook… but then I’m confused…he’s my friend… I don’t know why he’s been away but it’s hurting me really bad coz I attempted to get in touch so manytimes and I felt he was emotionally unavailable or not on the same page.
I’m gonna wait for maybe another month and if I still don’t hear from him, I’ll just delete him from facebook and probably not even communicate again… I don’t know… but I do know that I don’t like the way he’s treated me or the friendship… it used to be so mutual… but now changed… just like the pain of a break up…even though it’s a friend.
I went to a local park yesterday. My friend and I sat on a picnic table, for the better part of 30 minutes, looking at dozens of baby prairie dogs zipping in and out of their little dugouts. Their mothers showed up every now and then, with hands on their hips(?), for showdowns with crows or quail that stepped too close to food the babies were picking and eating at lightning speed. But it flowed… no fights…birds and rodents taking it all in stride.
It was simple and pleasureable.
Life can be so good — in those small moments. Sometimes it’s easy to forget to look…but when I do: it’s wonderful!
Here’s to everyone’s happiness, whatever it may be.
I love this post—I want to see baby prairie dogs, right now! (-; And you’re right. It’s what to look for, what’s right in front of us, waving shyly and trying to attract our attention. What we find room for when all the crazy drama dies away. Glad you found those minutes!
Hi everyone,
It was a tough week for me… My ex suddenly keep calling and texting. Don’t know for what reasons. Even if i did not answer or respond to the texts and calls, it hurt me inside. I felt that it was a shame that we turned out like this.
In the past, whenever she text or phone, it always hurt me despite whether i respond or not. I will turn to alcohol to numb the pain. Recently, i forced myself to not drink to numb the pain. I wanted to deal with the loss and pain with a sober mind. Although it is difficult dealing with the pain with such sober mind, i could process how i feel and thought better. I believe that it is the better way for me to move on.
I feel so good and invincible at some days but the next, i will become so depressed and sad over the breakup. I know i will get through it. I just need to do more work on healing myself.
Although i’ve lost a lot from the breakup, i’ve gained a lot too. I understand myself better. I realised how much pain and hurt can do to me. I realised i should not love anyone or anything more than myself. I’ve seen how people react to situations. I’ve learnt how to react better to them. I’ve saw clearly who are the people who will be there for me no matter what and who are the ones who disappeared from your life when you are of no benefit anymore.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same.
—Flavia Weedn
I’ve learnt so much, both positive and negative sides of life… and i’m thankful for them. :)
I’m thankful for this blog and the people in this place too…
Deadman,
Have you considered changing your phone number so she can’t keep calling and texting you? Have you asked her to respect your wishes and not contact you at all? If you have, and she is still attempting to contact you, then she is not respecting your feelings and you need to make a decision - either continue to be hurt by her attempts at contact, or do something about it - either change your number or block hers so she can’t do this to you anymore. The sooner you do this, the sooner you will be able to focus on YOU and doing the work to get over this.
Congrats on avoiding the alcohol - it can be a big temptation when going through painful feelings to want to numb the pain. But you’re right, you will be able to process all your feelings much more clearly and quickly by staying sober and getting through them. Keep taking care of you!!
Lucy
Last week after an e-mail from my ex which I did not answer but hurt by, nonetheless. I decided to block her e-mails. I changed my cell number and plan to change my home phone if she tries calling me on that.
I’ve also started back going to meetings in my recovery program and working with a sponsor again. That has been a tremendous help.
I started on the Relationship Inventory but I’m stalled on writing the letter (that I won’t send!).
After intermittant (about once in 2/3 days) journalling and consistent posting here, I am feeling alright. But then I still haven’t done full relationship inventory yet. I think I have done the part how I behaved during those 5 years. Journalling consisted mostly of how he behaved. But just writing about how I behaved really put me back on the track to where I belong. I mean, for last couple of weeks, I have takes steps to go after a career I had wanted, which I otherwise wouldn’t have taken.
Of course, I could only start writing about my behavior only after pouring my heart to friends, here and in journal. Last couple of days have been of feeling shame of how I behaved. I mean, I could see myself from X’s point of view and I cringed a bit. I have a horrible fear of being wrong. So shame is slightly greater than it should be. I still think he was worse than me in spades during those 5 years, but I would really like to put that part of me completely behind.
Mayee,
I am curious to learn more abot that relationship inventory that everybody seems to be talking of here, I had ordered Susan Andersons book and the grief handbook, is it described there? (books not yet arrived)
Anyhow, I can relate to what you say about being ashamed of your own behaviour. Initially, I had days when I would be beating myself up over having been unfair or unpleasant to him on many occasions (and it is true) in those 5 years, but it made me focus only on that and it was not healthy, b/c it always takes two, and he surely was no angel either (and behaved in a way that was very irritating to me, very often….similarly I was irritating to him I guess, but the bond was passionate and especially he was very much in love I guess…and he kept saying that with no other person, he would have endured so much difficulty. But almost as if he wanted to say “look, this is my contribution, I STAYED with you, despite everything…” and that is not much, is it? I mean, I stayed too, so what is the point. Its about other things, about what you actually DO (and not say) that counts.
So to cut it short: it certainly is important to realize your own shortcomings, where you failed, what you did wrong etc but I think some relationship just bring out the worst in us (I was surely as mad and as unfair at times as I have never been with another person) so there is nothing you can do about it, it just isnt a good match. As hard as it is to accept that, but its the first step in letting go, I guess….
I don’t know about the book but I found it here:
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2007/06/13/letting-go-the-relationship-inventory/
deadMAN, stay away from the booze. TRUST ME ON THIS! It does nothing but harm when recovering from a break-up. You can’t rebuild your foundation with drugs and alcohol. You might want to consider AA. I did quit drinking for 4 months on my own. It didn’t make a difference though. I was just a miserable dry drunk who didn’t drink. I am only on 2 weeks but the difference is immeasurable. I am learning alot about myself and my former relationship through the help of a wise sponsor.
5 days of No Contact for me. I have to say, this is getting easier as the days go by. Yesterday I was in a funk, but I am now coming to terms that she is out of my life now. She did call my niece two days after NC but I’m not sure what the circumstances of that were. Her and my niece were close but it is peculiar that she contacted my niece only 2 days after. Doesn’t matter. The next day her best friend texted me asking how I was and how she (best friend) misses me. I responded a day later saying I was living well and thanks for asking. She then texted back saying we should go out to lunch and how SHE REALLY DOES MISS ME. Whatever. No direct contact and I’m fine with that.
Today is our 1 month break-up date. I feel like texting her “Happy 1 Month”. But I know better than that. I thought today was going to be tough but I am doing a lot of things for myself lately. I bought a car, a plasma TV and an XBOX. Time to spoil myself! :)
I’m in a funk today, which is frustrating because I had a really beautiful day yesterday. I rode my motorcycle all afternoon and just wandered around the gorgeous countryside. Then I had a beer and chatted with friends, and felt really good and relaxed about my weekend.
But today I’m irritable and distracted.
I’ll repost something I said in a different area:
Maybe you all can give me insight on this.
I’ve been debating on going on something like eHarmony and the debate in my head goes something like this:
Against: Stop trying to control things and being so impatient. You will meet the right guy when it’s time, and you need to be TOTALLY at peace with being single. Going on a website to find a date is NOT something someone at peace with being single would do.
For: You can be at peace with being single and still want to open yourself to meeting someone. It is very difficult to meet and know if someone has a chance of being right for you, so something like this is a very good way to meet potential partners. It’s also a good chance to practice healthy dating, by practicing on people you don’t know and never need see again.
Reb
Hi Susan, thanks for asking about all of us. I had a rough time with the narcisstic father and distracted mother over the weekend for Mother’s Day. Disappointed in myself that I reacted in old ways to his personality. I’ve just been away from it for so long and realized I don’t have to deal with difficult people as much as my father. I was really angry with him this weekend and had a difficult time controlling my contention. I couldn’t wait to get to work this morning to be around people that actually know me and don’t treat me like I’m invisible and full of short comings.
Some good things came out of it though, I realized it’s my reaction to my father and that I need to grieve the relationship I desired and didn’t get. There’s no reasoning with a narcissist, it goes like this, Me: “you’re very controlling and you tell people what to do, you don’t ask us if we’re interested in doing whatever you bring up.” Narcissist father’s reply: “did you ever think it’s you.” Me: “yeah, I have.”
It’s exhausting and depressing. But today was a good day at work and I have so many people I can share my authentic self with and they appreciate it.
Reading a fantastic book, “Intrigrity,” by Dr. Henry Cloud. It’s just a lot of things happening to me internally that I think has created the anger but at least the anger is in the right place now and not toward the ex. I see clearly now that the ex was me trying to reconcile my controlling, rude, disrespectful, self absorbed, critical, never pleased, father. I hardly think about the ex anymore, in fact, I have to remind myself that I didn’t think about the ex. That’s a nice phase.
I do need to work on my issues with my parents though, I can’t go around losing my cool everytime I’m around them. I adore my mother but even SHE got on my nerves with her distractions. I feel like I’ve failed but I know that isn’t true, it’s more likely I’m very close to healing. I always trust the process and keep my side of the street clean now.
Rebecca,
I tried dating too early, it was okay because I didn’t take ANY of it seriously at all. If you approach it in a healthy way without really expecting something to happen, you’ll be okay. But if you’re not ready for the slightest rejection, then I recommend dating yourself and going out with your friends. Until you can get to the point where you can say to yourself, “do I like them?” and “you’re the luckiest person to even be sitting here talking to me right now,” I’d recommend getting to that place first with high self esteem before leaping into something that may make you want to contact the ex or compare someone to the ex.
Cat,
Yep, I’m there. I’ve actually had and turned down offers from several guys at this point. So I’ve proven I’m not going to dive into a relationship just to have a relationship, and that I can handle rejection if need be.
I mainly just want to feel I’m opening up to possibilities and not staying in my cave.
Reb
Hard to keep total NC. We are separating our finances after the middle of May.
I haven’t stopped crying in 6 months, and I miss my wife more than ever. Therapy and meds have helped, but only to just get by. How can you move on when you’re constantly flooded with thoughts of her?
NC. Day 3 today. I am at peace. relaxed. with a tinge of regret. All those fights constantly playing on in my mind like a defunct tape. I cant believe I was running pillar to post to make this guy happy. This needy abusive control freak.
Thanks Susan, everyone.
Michael,
honor your feelings, your capacity for love and affection, and trust that at some point, it will get better. Total NC may not be possible, then I’d limit it to the finances. And go total NC afterwards.
Often after a while, the longing and missing is not so much re. that other person, but some fantasy that we entertain. It has more to do with ourselves.
Cry as long as you need to, but move on at some point…your are not being given another life.
Be good to yourself and all the best,
Greenroses
Hey all, Its been a while, but i was posting in the “Tales from Breaking NC” a while back. My story was a long relationship of 4 years, that had to go long distance for 6 months, during which my girlfriend “drifted”, but apparently didnt realise, until suddenly 5 and a half months into it, decided to completely turn around in my eyes over the course of a weekend, and break my heart. (into very small pieces)
Its been about a month now, and about three/four weeks of no contact (by her request). I am back home (to Ireland), and have my family and friends around me again for support. It was hard being away, and not having the people you love around you to talk to.
I feel i’ve improved. But being back has really started triggering a lot of reminders of our time together. As we work in the same college, I will see her. I’ve only been in for 2 days, but I’m almost scared going around each corner. Girls in the distance that COULD be her are enough to get my heart beating hard. Its tough at this time. Also, being back with my friends has also the disadvantages that i get the hearsay about what she’s at, that she’s been upset etc. I want to hear these things, but i know that i’m better off without.
I have to say, as many have said, but Susan, you really put your finger on it every time. The posts on “honoring the end” and “does anyone miss me” describe my thoughts and feelings exactly. IT DOESNT MATTER. 75% of my thoughts these days actually DONT MATTER. I’ve been letting them back in recently.
Your site and postings really do help. They help me to see sense in my thoughts, and abstract away from what my brain is thinking, and what i actually need to think. So I would like to sincerely thank you Susan. I hope I can eventually conquer this!
Also, i remember in another posting you saying you had Irish blood. Good to hear!!
Oops ..Wrote this on the checking in thread 5/4 by mistake
Checking in to vent…
The ex wanted to pick up a suitcase from the house we own together (I still live in the house while it is on the market). He stated he works late and would come @ or after 10pm.
Since 10pm is too late and I have no need to have any contact with him (I am making the decisions on the selling of the house on my own), I text him with a note that the suitcase will be left in my car (it’s a keypad entry) and please leave the keys to house in the car and lock the car.
I am on the phone with a friend around 9:30pm and I see someone peek their head at the top of the glass of my front door.
It is the ex and he rings the bell! I am wondering .. WTF?! You know the keypad code, just pickup the suitcase, drop off the keys in the glove compartment and leave!. So, I open the door and he hands me the keys. I was quickly annoyed and proceeded to ask hiim ‘ why didn’t you just leave the keys in the car?’ but, I stopped.
My face must of looked annoyed or puzzled because he says ‘ I didn’t want to leave the keys in the car’. I took the keys and he begins to say goodnight while I close the door.
Why can’t/ don’t he follow instructions?! I clearly don’t want to see you… I mean, why would I leave the suitcase outside of the house while I was home if it wasn’t because I didn’t want to see him?
It truly annoys me how he handles a situation which is discussed to be handled one way, and does it slightly different.
I like to control my dose of if/how/when I contact him and when he shows up or deviates from the plan, I feel he is disrespecting my boundaries and I am out of control of the situation.
It sucks..
Whew! Had to get that off my chest..
Thanks for reading
Lucy,
Yes i did make it clear. changing my number is not an option. We work and study in the same place. She will get my number no matter what. Changing my number will also means having to change my business card which was just re-designed. I guess i will just avoid her calls and texts. I’m thinking of changing my job. When i does that, she will be completely out of my life.
Mike,
I’m enjoying my life without alcohol. I feel more refreshed each day and i could process my feelings and thoughts better now.
Thanks for the advices people. I really appreciate them.
Btw, i’ve heard from my friends, they said that it was proven that there will be a period when we love our ex more than ever after the breakup. Is it true? They said that it was human nature to want something even more after it had left them? Does it apply to relationships also? Loving the ex more after the breakup?
I’m struggling so much right now. My ex and I have 3 kids and he constantly needs to speak to me, always using something about the kids as his lead-in, but always ending up just chatting about his life. Its hurtful to me and makes NC difficult at best. I understand the need to communicate about the kids but I don’t want to hear the rest.
Anybody have any ideas on how to maintain NC when we have kids and constant scheduling issues?
Thanks!
Hi everyone. I am sorry I haven’t been on. I was ashamed to admit what has been happening in my life. My ex came back and (eye roll) everything I wanted to hear and I prayed to hear, that he had changed and realized and he even emailed my parents and apologized to them for letting them down (”you trust me to take care of your daughter and i didn’t, I should have done more”). We went to dinner and told me it all face to face, even shedding a couple tears, and asked me for another chance. That was about 3 weeks ago. He said he wanted to take things slow and that he wanted me to be open about my feelings and that we had to have open communication this time for it to work. Well, we hung out one other time and again after he texted me “I love you. we are amazing.” I thought it was strange that now his life consisted almost entirely of him going to the bars. He had made some changes in his life, like going to see his grandparents more, that I had suggested while we were together, but it seemed that his priority was to go out with the guys. I tried not to expect too much from him, but I felt that he should be putting an effort into showing me how he felt and not just telling me. I was waiting for the actions to back up the sweet things he had said when he first came back, and instead it was obvious that I was his back up plan - something to do when something better didn’t present itself. I was not just a new girl, random girl, I had put 3 years into this man and had already dealt with a lot of pain that had resulted from his actions, and now here I was doing it again. Every time I brought it up, as he had encouraged me to express myself and I was always hesitant to do, he would say “we are taking things slow.” Finally, he had broken a promise to me and I felt that I had to stand up for myself. I had not expected some obnoxious display of apologies but if what he was saying was true, I should feel at least relatively important to him. So, I took the opportunity to simply point out that I didn’t expect a lot from him, just an effort. That if what he said was true, he would WANT to see me, talk to me, and that I wouldn’t be placed on a back burner. I tried to be understanding of him, but in doing so I was often making excuses for him neglecting me and my feelings. I would no longer do that. That was Saturday.
Sunday we found out my mom has lung cancer. She has to have surgery this week to remove part of her lung. This is devastating news to me and my family and we are really trying to be strong about it. I am trying not to let my imagination run wild, and really doing my best to remain strong for her and my sister and dad. My dad is my mom’s rock, my brother in law is so amazing with my sister, and there was I, with no one to my side because the man I chose to love, who I thought was my partner couldn’t handle me being homesick. Well, when he called Sunday night I was a wreck and told him about my mom. He seemed shocked and didn’t know what to say. He told me that he wanted me to call him and was kind of upset that I didn’t call him as soon as I found out and instead waited until he called me. I explained that he wasn’t there for me when I was in front of him and needed him, and I couldn’t trust him to be there now so it was difficult for me to even tell him and cry to him. He said that he has changed into a bigger person now.
Yesterday, monday, he “broke up” with me again. He said that he didn’t want a relationship and felt as if he was forcing himself (when he was the one who set the stage - I made sure not to call him, or make plans with him or anything). He even told me about how he was going out to the bars on Wednesday night for one of the girl’s from classes good bye party - the night of my mom’s surgery!
Two of the worst times in my life and both he has kicked me while I was down. I wanted to believe him, that he had changed, and I was open to just seeing who he was so that I at least new if he was the person I fell in love with, or the jerk he turned into when I moved to him … I know I found my answer, but it still hurts.
I hope everyone else is doing well.
I’m sorry my post is so long
Hope: don’t apologize for the length of your post…I’m so glad you’re here!
I’m sorry to hear about your mom. If it’s any consolation, my aunt had operable lung cancer and was cancer-free for over 10 years, meaning she beat it. I know that all cancer is tough and terrible but operable lung cancer usually has very good rates of recovery (that is what my family was told and my aunt was operated on over 25 years ago so I believe it is probably true). I’m wishing good things for your mom!
Second….the ex sounds like a real gem…you are better off without him….apparently his overtures are about him and definitely not about you.
We all deserve people who will be there in our darkest hours. THAT is what a partner is and what they’re there for.
You deserve so much better. Take care of you and hang in there….keep venting here…we care about you!
Hope, sorry to hear about your mom and that you felt abandoned during a particularly stressful time in your life.
Don’t be embarassed or beat yourself up for giving the ex another try. He is lucky that you gave him that. In fact, I think your new found wisdom came out….this time you were looking to see if his actions matched his words (remember what Susan says: love is an action).
So, you have learned something and you are growing and I am proud of you! You are changing! You are looking to do what is better for you.
My thoughts & prayers are with you & your family!!!
Thank you so much Susan! I have made sure to keep up every day and read, just haven’t posted. I know that giving him a second chance was not the smartest idea, but I wanted to see him for who he really is NOW. The guy that I fell in love with was sweet, romantic, sensitive, and did SO many things to show me he loved me. He seemed to do it effortlessly and as you know moving on for me wasn’t only difficult, it was impossible as long as I was holding onto that person, to that memory. I now know that it wasn’t the situation that brought out the worst in him, it wasn’t something I said or did, it was just how he had changed and who he was and is now. It is so frustrating because I really didn’t expect much from him at all, yet he makes it to be my fault and makes me feel as if my feelings were unreasonable (to feel important? what a horrible request to make). The good news is that I fought my codependent ways. There were times that I wanted so badly to do just about anything to make him love me again, and I didn’t. I sat back and watched him unfold before my eyes (admitting to driving drunk, stealing his father’s pain killers for a stiff neck, etc). He wasnt who I loved, and probably wouldn’t be him again.
It just really hurts that he is so selfish to not understand that I have feelings. Once again, it doesn’t matter what I am going through, just how he feels and how he is effected. I didnt ask him to stop going out with the guys, just wondered to him why I wasn’t a priority too. He even admitted he wasn’t doing enough and that I deserved more then he had been showing me. I truly dont understand the people who reflect at least enough to admit that about them, but do nothing to change it. Even yesterday he said “i dont know why I am the way I am. All I can say is I am sorry” when I pointed out the inconsistencies between what he said and how he was acting.
Thank you for the well wishes and prayers for my mom. She has smoked for 36 years but says she never thought that it would happen to her. I am so scared of losing her, but hearing success stories gives me such comfort. We lost my uncle to lung cancer and it was so hard to watch the pain he went through. I told her if she loses her hair I am going to shave my head! My family is very close, we are very blessed for that. And hopefully we will remain strong and beat this. I just have a hard time staying strong for everyone, and when I get alone I crumble.
Thank you so much ‘Nese!! Words cannot adequately describe how much I appreciate your words - from the bottom of my heart thank you esp for your prayers!
He has this way of always making me feel wrong, or wishing that I didn’t stand up for myself, but this time I can’t beat myself up like I did. I refuse to.
Hi,
I have been reading this website posts for about a week or more.
I fit right in. I had lived with my boyfriend for 6 years and asked him to move out. I was going through a very tough time and he was emotionally and financially unavailable. Afterward I told him if we were meant to be we would be and if not then it’s best.
Wow did things go wrong! He was very angry and hurt that I asked him to move out. He did not work on himself or our relationship and that’s when I realized that I asked him to move out so that he would WORK at the relationship. Instead he let it go. I continued to believe and hope that he would “come around” to seeing what a wonderful woman I was and do the “work”. Instead he found another woman to be sexual with..but no intimacy.
That knocked me down bad. Our sex life was practically non-existant for years and got worse by the year and when I found out about “her” I went out of my mind. Since then I’ve worked very hard at acceptance. He is who he is and is capable of limited intimacy with woman. He does love me..as much as he can..but we are at a stand still.
I now attend Alanon (we are both recovering for over 18 yrs) and work with a sponsor for Women Who Love Too Much. I am working very hard at focusing on me and my recovery. My sponsor says I am doing very well and that I’m a survivor. I’ve always know that but it sure was good to hear it.
I have custody of my grand daughter and he is the only male in her life and cherishes her. He is very kind to me and visits once a week with her.
I still love him and know that being with another man is not going to work because when I tried I compared all of them to him. When I went onto the dating sites I described him! I’m staying single and working on building relationships with girlfriends and myself. So far so good.
I don’t do NC and do see it as a hinderance to letting go completely. I make the choice to allow him to be grandpa and have his visits. Once in a while we do something together like dinner or a ride on his Harley, but I don’t fool myself into beleiving it’s anything more than what it is.
Just thought I’d share. Thanks for listening.
By the way it’s been 2 yrs since we lived together and a year and a half since we’ve been sexual together. I know it’s over but it takes what it takes for me to move on.
All I know is that this is “my growth time”.
Dear all, I hope you ok…
Confused, it must be really hard the thought of bumping into your ex around work. Stay strong, and maybe think of an action plan for how you’ll deal with it if and when it happens.
Hope, I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. You deserve better girl. hang in there and know that you can get through this. Best wishes and healing thoughts to your Mum.
Cat and Rebecca, I went on a couple of dates about 6 weeks after my break-up. It was partly to take my mind off the ex. On one of the dates I thought about my ex the whole way through, on the other date (a different guy who I’d fancied for a few months) I had a great time :-) I’m now at the 3 month NC point and am going on a date this weekend (through a dating website)… Like you say, I think it depends on your mindset when you start dating again… I keep checking how I’m feeling about it, and will continue to monitor how it makes me feel, and whether I’m dating for healthy reasons or out of neediness/desperation!
Beatrice and Kalo, I read on another thread that you’re not doing too good. My thoughts are with you, hang in there. I’m at the 3 month point now, and can honestly say that overall I feel significantly better than I did a few weeks ago. It will get better, you are getting through this.
Newday, twas good to see you smile… Here’s one right back at ya :-) Take good care, thinking of you and sending you good vibes.
Love and hugs to everyone x x
Hello Everyone—
I am doing OK…I finally got my new car, YAY! So that part is great, actually.
Mother’s day was terrific - My boyfriend and I took my mother out to dinner at lovely place called the Kimberton Inn in PA…built in 1793 it was originally a tavern in a one horse town. It is still a one horse town! We talked and relaxed and had a wonderful meal. My boyfriend’s mother is in Hawaii and she called to thank the BF for the flowers. It was uneventful and we just got a chance to relax after a very hectic week.
I’m being inundated with work, trying to tread water in a sea of projects and paperwork. I’m reading the blog and doing my best to keep up with getting all the posts up that need review…Susan has been covering my butt on that one! I admit I have been derelict in my duties as I have just been overwhelmed with things to accomplish. Even so, I am keeping up with my therapy by reading the blog and everyone’s posts and also going to counseling -ONCE AGAIN.
The whole thing with my sister was eating at me and so I felt I needed an outlet, an impartial party to talk to before I just spilled it all to the BF or someone that didn’t need another burden. It would NOT have been fair at all to lay all of the junk I am toting around about my twin sister on the BF! He deserves better than that. So, I’m back in therapy again -this time with a grief counselor. She’s my first real, certified grief counselor. It’s pretty interesting. She has a whole different strategy than any other counselor I’ve ever had…it’s softer, more understanding…I like it. :)
My phone service went out and I also had that hassle. But it was OK because the slly repair guy was afraid of my Boston terrier. I removed her from his presence, but it was pretty funny considering the human fear and pains that people on this blog and myself have delat with and he’s afraid of a dog that’s just watching him move cable around!
Well, that’s it for now! The best to everyone!!!
Heather
sunshine,
thanks for thinking of us. i know it will get better. summer will be hard but i’m trying my best. i know/understand that i do not need to cry/get upset over someone who doesnt deserve my time. there are times that i think of my ex with someone else and it brings me to tears…but i have to keep remembering that i shouldnt care about someone who didnt feel that way about me.
im already planning on getting involved this summer…staying busy. thanks for the support!
WorkingOnIt,
I hear ya. Good job setting boundaries! I love hearing about people creating healthy boundaries in their lives. You’ve come a long way, it seems. I remember — I think it was you — when he was still living in the that house. So, he’s out now. And you made that happen.
Boundaries aren’t easy. And continuing to set them with someone has been even harder. But some people have a hard time hearing… so I just keep repeating myself…til they do.
I can see the progress you’ve made… and it gives me hope that maybe I’ve made some, too. (I’ve been completely NC since December when my ex(after 3 months of NC) sent me a cheerful Xmas greeting: “I’m dating someone…and it feels really good.” I sent him a note telling him not to contact me in any way…and, thankfully, he hasn’t.)
I’ve been lucky, though. I think the fact that he lives in another state has made all the difference. And, I do feel fortunate that he’s with someone new.
Anyhow, it’s good to hear how you’re doing. Venting is good…Go, venting!
deadMAN,
I don’t believe what you have heard through hearsay with your friends. What I think they are referring to is a phase in the process of abandonment healing called “shattering”. It’s not love.
WorkingOnIt,
Way to go to try to keep your ex on the end of a 20-ft pole. Too bad he slithered up. Well, you just know you’ve got to do better than that with directions. How about leaving the whatever behind some kind of bush? And then telling him not to come to the door or ring the bell, because you’re not gonna answer it. Bananahead. He was messing with you, I think. And trying to do it “his” way.
Kalo,
Join the Sushilicious meetup group. And the 20s and 30s Going Out meetup group. And if you like to dance, join the DC Salsa meetup group. You can be busy 3 or 4 times or more a week with fun new people if you want to be.
And I think you *DO* need to cry. Cry the heck out of it. I agree with you, that a “waste is a horrible thing to mind”, but I hurt myself by not crying enough. Cry. You *will* be able to stop. And it will carry you over the rocks and down the river further. And seriously do the relationship inventory that Susan has here if you haven’t done it yet.
Ciao all,
Serenity
Hope,
I’m sorry to hear of your mom’s diagnosis. I send all good wishes and vibes to your mom and all your family as you walk this road together.
You did really well for yourself by observing the ex’s actions
this time around. Give yourself a lot of credit for that. Now
you know, and that is empowering. Be extra loving and
caring to YOU now.
Kathy
Hope,
I’m sorry about your Mom. I’ll light a candle for her and you tomorrow. I send you love and healing thoughts. I’m glad your family is close. Although I’m sure they’re a good support, know that you can “crumble” here… get further support.
Take care.
Seeif
I’m doing OK.
I’m concentrating on releasing the past and focusing on the now.
I’m making a plan to do Anderson’s exercises in her book on a regular basis.
Hope, I wish you resilience and strength for what your family is facing. I was pleased to hear that you saw the situation with your ex with more clarity than before. I continue to see the situation I was in more clearly, and am pleased to go through blocks of time in which there is no thought of it.
I feel better now. Have been doing a lot of work (and still have to, in the following days) and feel more distanced to the breakup now. Making plans for the future, have booked a trip with my family (parents, brother, his family etc) end of July and looking forward to it. Tomorrow it’s 6 weeks since the breakup and it feels like a lot has happened inside me in only the last week. Writing and reading on this forum here has also triggered a lot of things. Feeling some kind of peace and much calmer than during the relationship (I was very tense back then). Feels like I have already come a long way. And I am excited at times, when I think of the future.
And yet, I find it so sad. Not particularly for MY relationship (although I am still attached to parts of it), but in general, this loosing of joint dreams and hopes, the idealism of the beginning…its so sad to realise that most (almost all) relationships end at some point in time. Its so rare (and so wonderful!) whenever people really manage to grow old together………..
It feels like some sort of death, because the relationship is a living being to me, and when two people leave each other, the relationship dies (or has already died, mostly!). It is a loss, and I find that so hard to accept sometimes.
Still, would like to end this on a positive note, b/c I am better right now. Hopes for the future!
I like the saying, “People come into my life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”
Hope… I’m so sorry to hear about your experience..
Well…now you know for sure how he is… It seems like he’s just coming when he wants and leaving at his whim and fancy ( so similar to my ex). It’s his weakness that he’s emotionally so unstable and inconsistant.
Please take care of yourself and vow NC…. You don’t need a person like him.
I’m very sorry to hear about your mom as well….hope the surgery goes well.
Stay strong…we are all here for you… don’t break down and every go back to your ex even if he tries to contact you.
Lean on your family at this trying time.
Lots of love…
I had posted this on another thread…
Sadly… around this same time of the break up with my ex…another really close male friend of mine who I was mainly in touch with via chat has also sort of changed and I feel abandoned. I see he’s been contacting other people, but he’s not even checked in to see how I’ve been doing in the last 2 months… it hurts also that now after the first shock of the break up with the ex, I have to go through it all over again with this close friend of mine :( We used to chat almost every day for the last 5 years (even if it was just ‘hi’…. )… and we’d share whatever was going on with each other for so long. He is well aware of the break up with my ex and offered advice and support for a short time but then just hasn’t been in touch. It’s really hurting to lose two close males in your life at the same time….. they were the only two of the opposite sex that I was really close to and they have changed. I feel awful.
There was no fight or anything that could have caused the friend to leave….. even when I asked him when he’d be online coz I started to call him once a week just to ask when he’d be online regularly as usual etc…. he said the internet was distracting him (he’s a musician) and hence hasn’t been online but to check mails or facebook etc…. He has time to send mails to our other common friends…even if it is one line or to txt them etc… but he doesn’t care enough to get in touch with me and for what…. I have no clue.
Why did I have to lose both these guys around the same time?! I’ve known the friend for almost 8 years!!! That’s a hell of a long time! :(
Well… gotto keep pushing myself double the amount now….
Thanks for listening guys….
Anna,
I am facing a similar problem. This friend of mine, she was the one I had taken my relationship problems to. Not always. See, I was never the one to talk about problems between X and I until last March (2007). By then I had no close friend where I was living. But by March 2007, this friend and I became quite close. I trusted her because she is very good person, she has been through her share of relationships (vs mine was the first ever relationship - lasting 5 years) and she is quite logical when need be.
Anyway, I came back to India at the beginning of Nov 2007 and still used to call her if there was a particularly vicious fight between X and I. But since the break-up at the end of Feb 2008, she has never even once asked me how I am doing. My X got engaged a week after the break-up to one of his collegues which shattered me all over again. I called her to tell her that. She talked to me then. But still, she never bothered to even email me afterwards. Since Feb 2008, I emailed her about 8 times. Twice to get her opinion on something related to career. Not ONE email was regarding X and related problems. I thought I had bothered her enough, so let’s just talk about other things. But no reply. Never bothered to check if I was ok. I wonder if she thinks that I have no reason to be sad since I was this unhappy in the relationship. That I should feel more relieved than anything else. Anyway.
And during those calls to her to cry, after I was done crying, whining and what not, we used to chat about anything and everything. I am half convinced I have driven her away by my crying. Fortunately, I don’t feel abandoned as I was definitely feeling till the end of Feb. I am spending time with other friends, catching up with long-lost friends since I am back in India after a long time.
It’s always a shock when the person you trusted disappears from your life suddenly. So, I am sure you have other good friends, if not close ones. I am sure you have made attempts to see what’s happening in his life to make him go away like that. I guess the theory of “stay out of X’s head” applies here as well. That’s what I am doing. Trying to not wonder what she is thinking about me, if I really have driven her away etc. I made my effort to connect to her, for about 2.5 months (time since break-up). And I am right here if she wants to connect back.
Actually I came here today to tell you folks about something strange I came to know last night through the mutual friend of X and I (let’s call her MF).
Recap of the situation is in order: X and I - together for 5 years. Broke-up at the end of Feb 2008. X got engaged to another girl in first week of march, let’s call her OG (other girl). Apparently, OG had a boyfriend (call him B) with whom she had fought about a week before X’s and mine break-up. (I have a suspicion that X and OG started dating immediately and have been attracted to each other for a month before that.) OG and B had been together for 6 years.
B had no idea that the fight was a break-up fight. No words said like ‘it’s over’ or so. And OG just happily went ahead to get engaged! A week after engagement, B went to see OG thinking she would pick him from airport as usual. Instead, someone else came and told him about OG’s engagement.
Soap opera? Yeah.
B was stunned, in complete disbelief, couldn’t process what happened. X, OG, B and MF work in the same company now. (Joined at various dates.) So poor B has to see OG and X together. Through MF, I came to know what a screwed up girl OG is. How she used to filrt with people at the company while B was staying somewhere else, how she has no regard for other people’s feelings etc etc. But for B, she is this innocent girl lured away by X!
Next episode of the opera is now in writing, as B wants to talk to me to get to know how X could do this! Not how OG could do this, but how X could do this. Unfortunately for him, his friends are reluctant to tell him about real her because they think B and OG will eventually get back together. Apparently nobody believes X’s and OG’s relationship to be anything other than a rebound! At least my friends were good enough to let me know what they really thought of X which helped me see him in different light. Not so much help for him.
I have agreed to talk to him, although I am not sure what to talk. I guess, I feel strong enough to take a bit more active part in this drama. I will obviously relate here what happens in this episode if he doesn’t mind! So… stay tuned.
It’s been three weeks ago today I got the speech. “You are great and you’ve done so much for me but you aren’t the one.” The problem is the rest of thought I was. His kids came over Mother’s Day with flowers and a picture to tell me how much they miss me and how they thought I was going to be their step mom.
I’m having a tough morning. Yesterday had been good with less thoughts of him. Then last night I checked the website he is on which is stupid. I hoped to see he was on so I knew he and the new GF weren’t working out. It doesn’t matter I tell myself and then I got mad at myself for doing this. I know it is over. I know I need to focus on myself and I want to move forward. Then I fall back to this behavior.
Last night I journalled before going to bed but I didn’t sleep great. This morning I’m depressed, and I haven’t found any words of wisdom to focus on.
Hope,
My thoughts are with you and your family - especially your mother. May she have a full recovery!
Heather
Thank you all so much for your support, and encouragement, prayers and love. I cannot tell you as there are no words to adequately describe the depth of appreciation that I feel for each of you. If there is one thing that I have learned through this entire experience, it is about the human spirit. I am constantly amazed by each of you, by your strength and your compassion to a complete stranger. I know we all have never really met (well, since I haven’t been able to make it to a seminar yet :( ) but I hold you all very close to my heart. Knowing you has really made me put my other relationships into perspective, and for that also I am eternally grateful. I am sure I will need a place to crumble in the weeks to come, but right now I am doing my best to remain strong and positive. I almost feel as if God throws tests at me when I allow the ex in my life, to show me the truth of what kind of partner he really is, and honestly, I will listen to it this time. For many reasons, one of which I would be afraid of what would happen next. The minute that I start to doubt myself about the ex, that I start to point a finger and say that I am being too hard on him (something that he has ingrained within me) I remember the fact that I was not important enough to him for him to even remember when my mom’s surgery was scheduled for - while we would be rallying around my mom, he will be drinking shots with his friends (all of whom were no where when he needed someone). I will never forgive him for that - whether he went or not, or even since my mom’s surgery was rescheduled - it was the heartless act of telling me that he was excited to go out Wed night … once again, he put me in my place. The saddest and most disgusting part to me is that he is probably sulking somewhere playing the victim, pitying himself that he had offered to be there for me and I am not taking him up on it. Well, I will not allow him to lessen his own guilt by making what little attempt he would at comforting me just so that he can feel better having treated me the way he did after all that I had done for him during his time of need.
I am proud of myself for NOT letting my guard down and believing him, for trusting myself and my instincts, because if I hadn’t and I had allowed myself to fall back in, I just still dont understand how some people can look themselves in the mirror. But I will never understand it, and I wont try to anymore.
Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart.
The last 11 months I have spent crying over someone who had no trouble getting on with his life - these last 11 months I have allowed him to consume my thoughts and my self. These could be the last 11 months that I had with my mom. The doctors are optimistic, and so is she, but it still puts it into perspective. After 3 years of loving him, 11 months of trying to get over him, and two chances given to him, I will not waste another month thinking about him.
I am just so scared … and tring to be strong for everyone, but a mess on the inside.
You’re right Hope. That is one thing that got me in my last breakup…how much time I wasted trying to get over it and how much time I was spending NOT doing other things….there’s a lot you miss when you’re in recovery mode…and wasting tears and time on the wrong people keeps us from so very much. It’s been about 13 years since I’ve cried over some guy…and I’ve gotten a lot done and spent time with people who matter. Thanks for sharing.
You are a beacon of light to many Susan, me included, God bless you!
Serenity,
I checked out the meetup thing you were talking about. It looks great. i havent signed up for anything yet but will!
i am considering taking some summer lanuage courses so it mgiht be nice to join a lanuage meetup group.
thanks for the advice.
you said you were in the area for not too much longer. are you moving?
Hope, hang in there. I know what you mean about being amazed by the support of everyone on this blog. it truly is wonderful to know you have friends, people who support you, who know exactly what you’re feeling/going through/your emotions,etc and yet we’ve never met. it’s comforting. we’re here. someone is always here.
Stay close to this blog. Hear the stories of hope, of people moving on, of people accepting the change and becoming the best person they can be.
i read stories of people who were exactly like me when i first started coming to this site (when the break-up just started)…it makes me see my progress. but then i read about people who are strong and who are letting go and moving on and i see that i still have a while to go. it’s been 3.5 months since the break-up and 2 weeks since i last saw him and NC….total and complete NC since our last meeting. NC is the way to go and as someone said…it’s about going the route with the least pain. there is always someone to talk to and resonate with.
Hang in there.
Mayee, I read the soap opera you wrote. And I have to tell you from personal experience- my advice is to stay out. You will only get yourself riled up and wrapped up again on it.
At the most, you might think about writing a note to X telling him what you know and giving him advice. But I suggest you tell him you want NC from the whole stupid drama. You have moved on to a much better, self-aware place, and they are still all acting out their various unaware roles.
As Susan says, “Take care of Mayee!” And let those others deal with THEIR problems. Those problems aren’t YOURS anymore, thank goodness!
Mayee,
I had the same response as Serenity. Let B figure out
his own relationship woes. They really have nothing to do
with you. If the mutual friend is a true friend, she will honor
your request to no longer talk to you about your ex or
any part of the soap opera. But you have to set that
boundary first. It would probably help to focus on you
and why you are still hooked in emotionally–what are you
getting from hearing about all of that? What would you get
from talking to B? Why do you think it would be a show
of strength on your part to talk to him? It seems for some
reason you still want to be part of the soap opera. What is
that reason?
Serenity,
It seems you think X wants to talk to me. It’s actually Mr B who wants to talk. I know… it’s as confusing as any soap…
Kathy, Serenity,
I do keep wondering, what is it that I am going to get out of it. I thought it would be a bit of test for me because, for almost 2 weeks, thoughts of X are distant and I feel stronger. About 10 days ago, like Greenroses said, it was just a word that I read in a book that made me sad again. I cried just a bit though. Then, last week, I had made some snack which X used to like and I thought of him. But I realized that I thought of him more out of reflex than out of missing him. Today, I cooked something else that we used cook and didn’t feel even a twinge.
So, I know, I haven’t let go of X completely. But I just want to see if I can put the lessons I learned here to practice while talking about him. I know, I am ignoring the first lesson of not taking part in the drama at all! But, I just feel like testing my own water now… Does that make sense?
As for the reason why I want to be part of the soap… I am…really not sure… not even sure whether I WANT to be part of it… I know it looks like so, but really I am looking at this to check how far I have come…
Mayee,
Test yourself? For what it’s worth, it sounds like you are rationalizing. The real test is living well and not getting
sucked into the drama. It’s absolutely your choice, of
course, and I wish you only the best.
Ok… I know I will end up making the choice of talking to him if he calls, but I need to think it through. I do seem to be rationalizing. I do need to figure out why I need this drama. The least I could do is, go into it with my conscience as clear about what I am doing as possible.
I guess, I haven’t learned to walk the line properly yet, but DO keep me in line as you have done always. It’s a difficult thing for me to learn, walking the line. I was going to cross it by sending X our photos… But didn’t do that. Let’s see if I can figure out why I am doing this now.
Mayee,
Maybe you could look at it a different way, if it helps. Instead
of putting your energy into learning to walk the line with all
that, why not just walk away? Try it, you’ll like it. ;)
Hey all,
Kalo, it’s a pleasure to be of some help/support to you :-) Like you, I have lots of happy memories of the last 2 summers spent with my ex… I’m determined to make new happy memories this summer. I’d like to echo what Serenity said about letting yourself cry if you really want/need to. I think it’s necessary to feel the feelings in order to get past them. There are no “shoulds” about how to feel or not feel, they are your feelings. Tomorrow (15th) it will be exactly 3 months since my split and the same period NC, and I feel sad that it’s over. I do have a good cry sometimes. On the plus side, I’ve finished my forgiveness/goodbye letter to my ex. Take care Kalo :-)
Anna, hang in there, it will get better. Keep doing all the things you need to do to take care of yourself, inc. nice things for yourself, good/healthy food, exercise, time with friends, listening to tunes you enjoy, and just taking each day as it comes, not looking too far ahead. All these sorts of things have helped me through the last 3 months, through the lowest of times when I felt a huge gaping hole in my heart and in my life. Take good care, sending you good vibes… :-)
Newday, my forgiveness letter is done. Your posting the other day was the catalyst for me writing it (I’d been thinking about doing it sometime soon), so thank you. I’m going to burn it in the next few days… Tomorrow it will be exactly 3 months since the split, and the same period NC… I feel quite sad, yet I also know I am and will be ok… It just wasn’t meant to be… It felt good to write the forgiveness/goodbye letter, like a real letting go… I hope you’re ok, good vibes to you as always :-)
Love and best wishes and all :-)
There’s this great analogy told in a magazine I had; the author, who was discussing the drama in her mind after a breakup, found it in the Buddhist literature.
A dog automatically chases after something that is thrown, excitedly and intently, and fetches it.
A lion looks back to see who has thrown the thing.
To take what I just posted a little further, Cat posted a while ago about something she learned in therapy; how to take a moment of obsession/thinking about the ex and turn it around and look inside herself and see WHAT SHE IS FEELING that would push her thoughts that way. Lonely? Wanting sweetness? Wanting someone to care? Wanting a pat on the head? And then she went about taking care of that HERSELF.
I’ve tried it and used self-talk and imagery of my inner child and inner adult to work at feeding those needs that push my mind in unhealthy directions.
I think this is an excellent example of being the LION.
Something that is very much encouraged on this site, but I think we all have lacked an education in how to “Take care of YOU”.
I wanna be the lion, just like Cat.
Sunshine, I am so proud of you! I am glad some good is coming of this situation - that being you taking this step forward. Hugs.
i finally have the courage to put away everything. I removed the photos in my wallet, removed the ring… guess how much relieved i felt? I feel so much lighter than before.
I hope everyone is still hanging onto the NC… Don’t break it people. Take care of yourself! Best wishes!
Serenity. I like the analogy you mentioned! :-) I like the lion:-)
Have been a little quiet as I have lots of work to do (and not yet finished, although….a big part of it, yes, so I am a bit more relaxed now……………..
Went to singing class tonight and it was fun (little chorus, discovered that by chance)…was good to meet new people.
All the best to all of you!
Sunshine,
Thanks alot. Yeah, I’ve been bit by bit caring about myself… I know the lonliness and the gaping hole in my heart have gotten a bit better, but it will take more time and more work before it goes away completely.
I will try to do more good things for myself… thanks!
Serenity, you are an inspiration to me as well. I was the dog up until lately. I think we both and many others are learning how to be a lion. The people here make me feel apart of something bigger than myself. I feel a real deep pride to have been dumped and coming out on the other side lighter and interested in life from a set of new eyes.
The sad thing is, I didn’t learn a lot of the good stuff from a therapist, I learned it from books, this site and asking myself the questions. I deeply believe we all possess every answer to our questions, because, they are OUR questions to OURself. You’re an amazing person Serenity, you’ve captured my attention and heart in the matters of what matter, comaderie and sharing. Thanks.
deadMan,
I had to smile when I read your post of getting rid of everything. Somewhere in the Florida bay is a pair of Tiffany earrings and necklace….I felt GREAT tossing those little jewels away! It still makes me smile.
LOL
I gave the Salvation army a really nice piece of technical equipment.
Congratulations deadMAN for putting away everything…yeah, once the reminders are gone it does get easier as the triggers are less.
yeah… it makes me feel lighter and easier to move on.
deadMAN is going to come alive real soon…
deadMan, let us know when you will change your name :-) live life to the fullest
So guys, I totally moved out of the place I lived for over three years and back to my hometown.
Being with my X had prevented me from seeing how much I disliked living there. Living there had also presented *so* many triggers for me and my obsession. Futhermore, I had to run into my X’s car all the time. So, I left a really good-paying job and moved.
I feel so much better to be back home, but there are a lot of things I’ll have to scramble around for. I found a similar job, but I can’t get the hours because only full-timers are allowed those, and full-time positions seldom come up. I really want to start my own business, but that is a super-scary thing.
So, no big surprise, my mind is trying to play the obsession game and I’m having very vivid weird dreams, some of which incorporate the X. This is uncomfortable.
So, lots of things on the good side, fighting my mind on the bad side, but winning over my mind a lot more than before (I definitely have more tools).
Ciao
I haven’t posted here in awhile, so I think I will give an update on the check in thread.
About 2 weeks ago, as some may recall, I posted about breaking NC with my ex which of course was a bad thing, esp after maintaining it for 3 months. Nothing went better ( of course) and on top of that she told me she was dating someone new and that it was pathetic I hadn’t moved on yet and that I should.
Well, that was about all I could take. I had a panic attack. My face/neck became numb and tingling. It was a very scary experience for anyone in the same situation.
After that, not talking for 3 months all I got was a few extremely hurtful sentences, I trashed everything, and I do mean everything from my ex. All gifts, pictures, cards, every trace of it got destroyed and tossed.
Now fastforwarding and moving on. I’m not sure really what happened. I felt for about one week after that incident that I had made no progress, I was depressed beyond belief (again) and that I was going nowhere, everything was hopeless and bleak.
I was talking to my friend about this that lives here about the whole situation.
It is strange. Something just clicked. I don’t know if I just hit that point or what. But I do believe that I am pretty much over my ex. I still miss her a bit, but it was like that NC being broken and throwing everything away is what really liberated me. I don’t even dwell on the situation anymore nor think about it as often.
I really put myself down for too long and I made the decision that I wasn’t going to chase a ghost anymore, nor allow myself to feel bad over an incident that occured 8 months ago. Enough was enough and from that day forward, even being single I was going to tackle each day to the best of my ability.
Through my worst times in my life, I got into grad school and completed that semester with a 4.0……I did this without any type of support, during my break up and depression.
If I quit and didn’t get admitted into grad school, that would have been an acceptable excuse.
If I barely passed with a shitty grade that semester, I could give myself a pat on the back for just getting through.
I didn’t even stop there, I got a 4.0 without my ex and all by myself. I overlooked this and severely undercredited all my accomplishments thus far.
Not to mention I’m 23, living by myself, and despite my adversities, I still overcame the situation. I don’t know a lot of men my age that have been through the same thing, yet can still be the nice person that I am at the same time.
I have been wrapped up too long in thinking poorly of myself and feeding into my ex’s negativity for too long. I am turning a new page, and I feel incredible now that I can acknowledge my own accomplishments thus far, and still to come.
Michael,
From the very core of my soul, I just want to say: WELL DONE.
And also, keep up, keep posting here once in a while.
Yeah, Michael! You sound so good. Very glad for you and your page turn. And a woohoo for your 4.0! You’ve worked hard to be able to say “I feel incredible now,” and it’s so good, and such an inspiration, that you know you deserve to be happy.
Here’s the funny part, for me. Past a certain point in the relationship, the ex did NOT make me happy (!!!), something I couldn’t even begin to admit to myself until I’d done a lot of the grief work. I was so focused on making him happy that I never even stopped to consider whether he was giving me what I needed. (???)
So now I’m always asking myself, even with new friends, how does this person make me feel? How do I feel about myself when I spend time with him/her? If I’m honest, beyond the early courtship stage, the ex would never have passed this simple, fundamental relationship test.
And thanks to this site I know now I have to be the one to make me happy—it can’t come from anyone else but me. And part of taking care of myself is constantly asking the question “How does this person/situation make me feel?” It does matter. We do.
Anyway, glad to hear you’re doing so well. Sending lots of good thoughts to you and anyone struggling today….
Hope,
So good to hear from you. Sending good thoughts to you and your mom and family. I think the posters here are very good and powerful when it comes to love, so just know that you and your mom are being surrounded with so much affection and support right now. And then, your mom always has you: Hope! xxxooo
Serenity,
LOVE the lion thing. Yes! And reminds me of the black dog/white dog story. The black dog is everything negative in your life; the white dog is all the love. Which dog will get bigger? The one you feed….
Seeif,
All your posts here are like the lighting of a candle. Thank you for caring about all of us and sharing what you’ve learned by way of your own pain. And you do sound like you’ve made quite a lot of progress. There’s the same kindness as ever, but a new freedom, too, in your posts. Very glad for you. (-;
Hey Michael,
I’m sooo happy for you for I remember all the posts from you from Jan and Feb…. Keep it up!!! Never look back!
Much love…
Anna
Michael: you sound TERRIFIC!!!! Sometimes it takes that in your face kind of thing that makes you stop and go, “Wait. I’m upset over losing THIS???”
I knew you would pull through. You trusted the process and it sounds like you are coming out on the other side!!!
Thanks for checking in.
Thanks Maynee and bluebird !
bluebird-
You’ve always been very supportive of all the members here, including myself, and I greatly appreciate it. It hasen’t been easy, and I think everyone naturally reaching that ‘turning point’ eventually.
One thing I wanted to say was, I never used to understand many years ago why women stayed in a relationship with abusive men. This isn’t a gender attack, but just a mere observation. From any logical person’s point of view it is a no brainer if anything.
You are getting slapped, abused, yelled at, etc….why in the world are you still with this person ? This was something that I never really understood.
Until my situation also occured. Like you bluebird, my ex ceased to make me happy about a good 5 months prior to our break up. She broke up with me on our 2nd year anniversary, left me for dead at my lowest point in life struggling to get into grad school, I had nothing, I had no one. I became an alcoholic and depressed.
If I lost my job, and didn’t get admitted into grad school, I don’t think anyone would have blamed me. Honestly.
I learned a lot about myself and being able to overcome. That is the biggest thing: Overcome.
Life isn’t going to change for you, nor did it for me. I was waiting for so many months for it to change and it never did. All I was doing was begging someone who treated me like crap to do it some more.
In my head, her lousy treatment to me was better than being alone. If this sounds sick and unhealthy, you are absolutely correct.
I won’t say that there are times where I still don’t get down, but honestly every time I think about my ex or some notion about her I tell myself that I am very capable of being independent without her, I am capable of doing this at the worst of my times, and I don’t need her to be happy or complete me.
I think that you truely need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. If I meet someone, then awesome, if not, I made it still happen anyway.
I became hostage and too dependent on a female to complete my life and make me happy. The thing is, all along I was able to do it myself.
Everyone on this blog is able to do it themselves. No matter what you went through in the past, it dosen’t need to affect the future, unless you let it.
Hey All,
Hope you’re well :-)
Bluebird, that’s great advice about constantly asking the question “How does this person/situation make me feel?”
Michael, I’m so pleased you’ve turned the corner and can see your own self-worth at last. I’ve always thought you sound like a great guy, really switched on :-)
Anna, I’m glad you’re feeling better little by little. About your friend who also “left” you around the time of the break-up, it’s hard to think of it this way, but it’s down to his stuff, and yeah, you have no idea what that stuff is unfortunately. Have you tried asking him what’s up? Or has he not responded when you’ve asked? If you’ve tried, but he’s not communicating with you, I guess it’s good to ask yourself the question “Do I really want/need this kind of person as a close friend - someone who can leave me out in the cold when I need them most?” For me, this whole break-up thing has really showed me who out of my friends is really & truly there for me and who isn’t… some of my friends have been great, others have kinda let me down, but as long as I have those others who are really there for me I figure it’s ok… We’re all human at the end of the day, we’re fallible, and we let people down sometimes even if it’s unintentional… I hope this helps a bit… Just some of my thoughts about it.
Newday, I burned the letter last night, been feeling a bit sad today, am ok though… Tomorrow is a New day (no pun intended! :-P) Thanks for your message saying you’re proud of me, I’m gonna be copying it in my gratitude journal at the end of the day :-) I hope you’re doing ok, or well as you possibly can be under the circumstances, love n hugs x
Best wishes to all… And Happy Friday!!! :-D
Susan-
Thanks again also for your support, Anna, and everyone else on this blog.
The most important thing I’ve learned about life is not “why”.
-Why did this happen to me ?
-Why is life unfair ?
-Why, why, why, why ?
None of that matter. At all.
Only “what”.
-What do I do now that this has happened ?
-What do I do to make things better ?
-Etc.
Serenity,
Hopefully your move will bring you more peace. Especially since you have moved back to hometown. I guess, I have had that advantage from the beginning since break-up happened when I was (still am) in my hometown. Just the sight of familiar things somehow shifts your system towards some sort of equilibrium. I came back to India this time after 2.5 years. So, actually lots of things were unfamiliar. But just the same environment, the food, the language, the people and things that hadn’t changed were some kind of constants that had been lost to me. It cushioned the blow for me. I do keep wondering if I go back to the city where we lived together, I probably won’t be doing this good. So it’s good that I am not going there anytime in near future. I am not saying, the move will prove to be same/similar for you, but I do hope it might be.
As for the episode of the soap. I think, I need the drama because there is no other ‘drama’ in my life. As in, I am still unemployed and I had just finished applying to a few jobs (preparation took some time, which was a fantastic distraction from all this). And what do I do when I am done with one phase of applying and get time? Try to continue the drama. For some reason, I have always felt my life is a dull life where I got everything much more easily than some other folks in my life. I always felt that whenever those folks got something, it was after a struggle and hence well deserved. If I had obtained something easily, then it must be undeserved since it involved much less struggle than them. So…I guess I tried to fill my life with different drama, eventually succeeded (or failed depending upon the perspective). This behavior seems just continuation of the same.
Secondly, I WAS rationalizing. Because I needed drama. Apart from thinking it to be a test, I also thought that I could help Mr B since I can see what phase he is in. If I got all the support when I needed it most, shouldn’t I pay it forward at least to some extent? Of course, I did forget the ground rule of ‘protect myself’. I am not in a position to help someone who is also at the suffering end of the SAME situation and who might bring my work done so far crashing down by just mentioning few things.
Now. I have already said yes to talk to him. So, I will. But with protective measures and ground rules. Hopefully, I will make this episode a real short one.
Serenity, I am in awe of your news! You are amazing to have upped and left; such courage. I hope being back in your hometown brings you lots of peace. And how wonderful to be away from the triggers. I have no doubt that you will thrive. Wishing you lots of luck with getting the hours you wish in your job, or better still, in working on making your dream of starting your own business a reality! You have accomplished so much else, I have no doubt you could do it. Good luck!
Michael, it’s so wonderful that you have turned a corner! You can hear the positivity flowing through your post. Best wishes for ongoing growth and healing.
Michael,
You’ve done amazing work in 3 months!
I’m so happy for you to have worked through so
much pain to get to this better place. Congratulations
on your academic success as well. :)
Wow, just read about all your exes who keep hounding you. I did that when my ex left me so abruptly in July 2007. Kept e-mailing, calling her cell, calling her new home, anything, just to get a reaction. She had shut down, totally detached herself from me, and 14 years. I was nuts! Why couldn’t I do that? My therapist told me that she was handling her leaving the only way she could. Just repressing.
So the week’s not been bad, decided to move to another state. I keep hoping that the state of mind will change as well. I’ve been living in “our” house since she left, and I can’t do it anymore. For the first time in my life, I have no ties, except to friends here, but they’ll always be here, I hope.
Stay strong everyone! If Cathy hadn’t sent me to this site, I don’t know that I’d be doing as well as I’m doing.
katie
Hey all,
Well I am out there again. I have started dating and I am having fun with meetups etc. I went on a horseback ride and toured Fell’s Point two weekends ago and I am using my free time this weekend (without my beautiful little one) to get with a group to eat crabs and embarrass ourselves in Karaoke. Will be an early night though as I am heading to NYC on Saturday for a day trip! Yep, liked it so much when I went to the seminar that I am going back to see more! On the dating front , there are two women that show promise but I am not jumping in with both feet this time around! I did learn a few things from the last relationship (and from reading this site) and am taking this slow and just having fun while I am learning more about them.
Michael, I hear ya man. I was stuck on why for a long time! Part of the analyst brain of mine trying to make sense of the madness. I found a card (figures Hallmark would have this) that I saved and read anytime I started to try to analyze what cannot be figured out:
Why? That’s What we ask. The truth is, we may never be able to know for sure why.
(Inside of card - left)
But we do know that there is no single “should have done” or “could have done” or “did” or “didn’t do” that would have changed that why.
(Inside of card - right)
All that love could do was done.
With Deepest Sympathy
Hopefully this will help you as it did me.
Patrick
Sunshine,
Thanks for your post. Yeah… since we used to chat online every day… when he suddenly started to not appear online… I’d call him for a few mins once a week or ten days just asking him how he was (checking in on him) and even asking him indirectly whether it matters to him that he’s not in touch. He’d speak well… and say that he’s just busy and he’ll be back online but has no idea when and that’s it. This went on for about 4-5 times that I called him and then I stopped and once or twice in 3 months he came online… the one time when he was online I told him that I wantec to catch up and share a few things that were going on….he’s always waited to chat with me or hear what I had to say etc… but the last time he was online he said that he doens’t have the time because he has to go out and meet some old friends he hasn’t met in a while (I too was one of the old buddies that he hadn’t spent time with in over a month….so that really crushed me that he could say that)… and he said he’d be online the next day and never came on any of the chat messenger that we’ve used for 8 years… but then I see him on facebook and able to send messages to other people.
And yeah, I think I have reached that stage where I’d think about whether I’d really want to consider him as a good, close friend. I hate that this is happening at the same time as I’ve lost my ex. The ex-friend and I were really good friends, shared everything, cared…were there for each other and now he seems to just have wandered off and wants to move away…. I don’t want to be treated like this…. and I too have not contacted him in anyway for over a month… it was hard to go through the same kind of shock of betrayal and abandonment (though in a smaller form than with the ex) all over again. I have been debating taking him off my facebook… but then I’m confused…he’s my friend… I don’t know why he’s been away but it’s hurting me really bad coz I attempted to get in touch so manytimes and I felt he was emotionally unavailable or not on the same page.
I’m gonna wait for maybe another month and if I still don’t hear from him, I’ll just delete him from facebook and probably not even communicate again… I don’t know… but I do know that I don’t like the way he’s treated me or the friendship… it used to be so mutual… but now changed… just like the pain of a break up…even though it’s a friend.
Thanks for listening and caring!!
I went to a local park yesterday. My friend and I sat on a picnic table, for the better part of 30 minutes, looking at dozens of baby prairie dogs zipping in and out of their little dugouts. Their mothers showed up every now and then, with hands on their hips(?), for showdowns with crows or quail that stepped too close to food the babies were picking and eating at lightning speed. But it flowed… no fights…birds and rodents taking it all in stride.
It was simple and pleasureable.
Life can be so good — in those small moments. Sometimes it’s easy to forget to look…but when I do: it’s wonderful!
Here’s to everyone’s happiness, whatever it may be.
Seeif,
I love this post—I want to see baby prairie dogs, right now! (-; And you’re right. It’s what to look for, what’s right in front of us, waving shyly and trying to attract our attention. What we find room for when all the crazy drama dies away. Glad you found those minutes!
Hey Guys.
Sunshine, thanks for the words of advice. It finally happened, I met the ex. Bumped, well kinda into her. We talked. I stuck with the plan, just kept