Progress Not Perfection II
May 8, 2008 by susangpyp
The blog comments are emailed to me and I usually read through them at the end of the day. YOU GUYS ARE BLOWING ME AWAY WITH SUCH GREAT WORK YOU ARE DOING!!!
I’ve been reading a lot of GOOD WORK in the Check In Threads and other posts. I’m also hearing a bit of self-doubt or feeling down about a few slip ups emotionally (having a down day). So I want to remind everyone to give yourself credit for the hard work and keep on keeping on. I posted this last year and wanted to post it again. BE GOOD TO YOU!!! :)
Then, without realizing it, you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day; of course, you achieve quite a lot in the course of time. Anyone can do this, it costs nothing and is certainly very helpful. Whoever doesn’t know it must learn and find by experience that a quiet conscience makes one strong. ~ Anne Frank
When I first started to look at my past and how screwed up everything had been and how it had affected me and led me to these horrific relationships with horrible people, it seemed HUGE and OVERWHELMING.
I started out doing everything in my power to “improve” and work things out. Other than working and spending time with my kids, I spent all my waking hours doing the work that had to be done…and after a while I started to doubt that I was getting anywhere.
People told me not to give up the day before the miracle happened, but I was tired and still hurting. They told me to do a little bit each day…read a paragraph in a book, write a few lines in a journal, talk to a friend…but don’t give up.
There were many days I felt angry and felt a lot of things had been unfair…I wanted to lash out, to act out, to seek revenge…to stop being so good and working so hard. I had a good case of self-pity sometimes but other times I was just tired of the whole thing…healing wounds put there by other people…so tired. I just wanted to act out and say no more!!!
A good friend of mine told me not to do that…to keep my side of the street clean and keep my conscience clean…
It took a lot of faith to just keep doing it, to keep chipping away at the past while trying to shape a future from nothing while working and raising 3 kids by myself.
I felt emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted…but in the long run the advice was right…keep on keeping on, little by slow each day, don’t give up the day before the miracle happens and keep your side of the street clean.
After a while, you do achieve remarkable, remarkable things.
Believe in yourself.
Believe in the process…
Don’t give up the day before the miracle happens
Peace.
Pretty much just explained these emotions to my therapist prior to this posting. I have been doing a lot of work and feel like there has been progress but then I have these days……the only way to explain them is that I am either feeling the loss again or (and I don’t know if this is worse) numb.
I’m not in the past, sitting in the present but not looking forward to the future. In fact, I can’t even see the future, don’t want to see the future. I’m just getting through the day….not happy but not unhappy….just here, putting in my time on planet earth. Doing some nice things, spending time with friends, etc., but not looking forward to anything….just here going through the motions of life.
Really don’t know if it is a good thing or a bad thing…..I’m not giving up yet but can’t help but wonder about when the joy happens. I’m thankful to not be crying constantly and to feeling healthier (more physically fit) but really don’t look forward to much of anything.
I went through a long period of feeling “so so” and thought sometimes it was worse than being in the intense feelings. I think it’s part of the process. It’s almost an emotional break of sorts. Happiness comes if you keep doing what you’re doing.
Thanks charleenjj. Maybe I have been so used to various forms of drama that I’m not used to the quiet. But then again, I don’t think it is the quiet that disturbs me as much as the lack of enthusiasm for the future.
I went to a friend’s house the other evening to meet up with some other girlfriends. I only stayed about 1.5 hours before I went home (not even sure if I was there that long). It was nice to see everyone but I didn’t really care if I was there or not, didn’t quite feel like I fit at that moment and just decided to go home.
Just can’t quite explain how I feel except to say apathy or melancholy. Something around those emotions….maybe even nothingness (is that even a word?).
Well, thanks for the acknowledging nod. Have a good weekend.
‘nese I think that you might be in a breather. I had a long time between drama/chaos/heartache and happiness that seemed kind of dull and apathetic. It took me a while to figure out what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it.
In seminars I talk about “When the student is ready the teacher will appear.”
When I was sitting on a train one day (red line in Boston) I looked up and saw an ad for graduate school and I just knew, for some reason, that was the direction to go in.
Kismet?
I don’t know. I have no idea what I was doing on that train that day in order to see that ad but I was and I did and I went and the rest, as they say, is history.
Before that things were flat…I wasn’t ready to think about the future…just getting through was enough for me.
But as I started working on goals and figuring it out, things started to become clear.
when you’re ready start working on goals and sketching out some things you want….maybe you won’t be into it right away emotionally but remain open to possibility.
And be good to you in the meantime!
Makes sense Susan (as usual). Well, breather sure sounds better than nothingness so I guess that, in and of itself, gives me something to look forward to. :)
‘Nese,
I’m in something like that too. I’d call it a hush, maybe. Everything just seems very quiet right now. Not in my everyday activity, but within me, if that makes sense. I’m further out than you from the breakup, but I’ve separated from him, finally, so maybe this is just the inner drama linking arms with the outer drama and limping away over the hill. Good riddance. (-; And yet, everything seems very still. Almost the way you feel when you’ve been seriously ill for a long while. You wake up one day knowing it’s over, the crisis is past, but you still feel very light upon the earth. But I think you/we are doing the right things, and if we can just keep going, our new lives (new selves) are waiting impatiently just a little farther up the path.
A hug for all you’ve been through and a hope for what’s coming….
Hi Nese and Blubird
Sorry to hear you feel like that, but as the others and Susan have said, the quiet, the hust, may be construed as something more positive than negative. Kinda like the calm AFTER the storm. Yes, the devastation is still there to be seen, but the clean-up has commenced and soon (hopefully) the clouds will roll back and the sun begin to shine. If nothing else, quiet is better than drama related to an ex who is not your Mr. Right. Sometimes I think it’s the nothingness that you are describing that people dread the most about being single and hence stay way longer than they should in unsuitable relationships. As Susan has said elsewhere, we need to embrace the silence - it’s not boring, it’s peaceful :-) I totally understand where you’re coming from all the same Nese - though it’s much earlier days for me - 8 weeks tomorrow - I too am wondering if/when the sun will start to shine again for me. I guess we have to go through the fallow times to appreciate the abundance.
I think you’re super strong and hope you feel better soon
Sending lots of hugs your way
B.
Hi everyone,
I can relate to all that you have been writing here. For me (5 weeks since the breakup) it is also rather quiet now (and we were especially “dramatic” as a couple, even neighbors would complain b/c of noise, and I would cry soooo often after our big fights etc and all of that rollercoaster lasted for more than 5 years….) and this feeling of “I dont fit here”, with an underlying sadness, like a constant melody in the background, is very familiar to me.
We really have to go through all of this, it will make sense in a while, I am convinced (well, for others I am always convinced it will all be better ;-) but I hope for me too… and it also started already, b/c there are little moments of joy and excitement about the future…every once in a while, or something like an idea of that excitement.
I wish all of you patience and trust, and strenghth to acknowledge your own vulnerabilities….as that makes you stronger, I am sure. And life can be dramatic enough (not just with relationships) so try and enjoy the peace…drama is not what we need, maybe on stage, but not in real life, not in close relationships, and certainly not to a big extent. I have been a drama queen for over 5 years and I was so tired and sick at the end of it. There are other ways to feel “alive” than that! There must be!
There ARE other ways to feel alive and making peace with the peace is a good antidote to drama addiction.
Many times the answer is simply let go and be open to what happens next.
There used to be a joke in 12 step meetings:
A man is hiking on a mountain, stumbles and falls off the mountain. On the way down he grabs onto a branch and hangs on for dear life. But there is no way to get himself out of the predicament.
So he starts praying. He’s praying “Please God please get me out of this. Please tell me what to do. Please help me.”
And a voice comes out of the sky…a big, booming voice that says, “This is God. Let go. It will be alright.”
The man thinks about for a minute, looks down and then looks back up and says, “Is there anyone *else* up there that I can talk to?”
:)
Sometimes the answer is simply “Let go” but we don’t have the faith to believe it will be okay NO MATTER WHO tells us it will be just fine.
But sometimes we just have to take that leap of blind faith and let go.
What I also find helpful sometimes, is to think of past situations (not just with ex boyfriends but in general, important phases of life) and how I thought and worried about certain things back then and how many things did NOT make sense at all (why does this happen? I do not want this to happen! or I kinda want it but it still hurts sooooo much! Why me? etc) , but time seems to have a habit of actually telling you what it’s all good for, b/c a year after such an important and confusing “event” I would suddenly see why this had to happen b/c sometimes one thing just leads to another. If A had not happened, I would never have traveled to B, would never have met C and so forth….life takes new directions in a crisis like this, and these can be exciting new directions. Or suddenly you have so much more energy to put in things you always wanted to do….
Its like this metaphor of the door that has to be closed in order for others to open…its a saying I think, that “you have to close the book.”
But that should be at the end of the recovery, I guess….well, I wish I was there already, but why not dream a little dream :-)
Beatrice,
Thanks for your good thoughts. (-; Yes, it is the calm AFTER the storm, and since the thunder and high winds and flash flooding had come to seem like normal conditions, this change is something to be really glad for. You’re so right: “If nothing else, quiet is better than drama related to an ex who is not your Mr. Right.” And yes, I think people are afraid of being on their own and make all sorts of strangely self-destructive arrangements to avoid it. But there are beautiful things to be found here in the silence if you can just ride out the fear. I guess you have to know who you really are in order to forge any true, lasting connection with someone else, so this learning to be at peace with the peace, as Susan puts it, is like a prerequisite for all the rest. Maybe you have to take Finding Self 101 before they let you take Finding Other 102. (-; I think I always had it backwards….
Susan,
Yes, we have to be able to tell ourSELVES, don’t we? I heard a slightly different version of the joke too, in which the guy desperately hangs on to the little mountainside bush all night long, in spite of hearing the “Let go!” command, and then dawn finally comes and he sees that he’s only one foot from the ground. Must have been the drama he was clutching so tightly. (-;
Greenroses,
Thank you. Yes, we have to close the door at some point. For a long time he had his foot in it so I couldn’t shut it. For an even longer time, I had MY foot in it. Now it’s closed and the house is quiet, OK, except maybe for that letter slot. (-; But I’m not quite into my NEW house yet, though I’ve been working on getting it move-in ready, so that’s where my energy needs to go.
In the Anderson book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, one of the exercises involves building/imagining your dream house (dream life, dream SELF, really) and your ideal surroundings and life conditions and the people with whom you’d want to share it all. It’s supposed to be an imagined space in which you can “celebrate your separateness, the importance of your existence, your ability to accept reality, and your capacity to love” all at once. You become the “engineer and architect” and “master designer” of your own life. But she makes the connection that all the work we do on ourselves ultimately leads us back toward love, in ALL its forms:
“This new generosity of spirit has grown out of your acceptance of your separateness as a person. It’s because you can appreciate the importance of your own existence and embrace your reality that you have increased your capacity for love.”
When I think of everybody here, it’s of how much love we all have to share (wow! think of it combined!!!). And that includes sharing it with ourselves. Once we can do that (still working on it), I think we’ll know by heart the people we can safely share it with. And it won’t be noisy and dramatic, according to Susan, so hey, maybe this is where the getting used to the quiet part comes in? Yeah, maybe this is just the practice, practice, practice that leads to Carnegie Hall. (-;
Made me cry like a baby.
I am so tired of this. It’s HARD. It’s hard and it’s not fair that I have to clean up what other people dumped on me. it isn’t fair, and I sit here, and I scream, and I cry, and I hate it, and myself, and there’s no good coming from it anyway.
I was going to give up and drink again tonight after three years and nine months clean and sober, and I was putting it off, and I stumbled onto this.
It’s just so hard. Every time I think I’ve taken care of these things, every time I think I’ve made steps forward, I fall three steps back and have to start all over again. It’s demoralizing, and it’s heart-breaking, and I hurt other people by lashing out because I’m tired instead of just buckling down and taking it like a man.
I don’t feel like I can ever relax. Constant vigilance. But I’m really just so tired of doing the next right thing and keeping my actions cool and waiting on God to do for me what I can’t do for myself.
I wish I could end this one on a positive note, but I can’t really be shiny and happy right now. I’ll just say I don’t think I’m going to drink tonight and leave it at that. I’ll go to a meeting instead. Even if I have to sit on my hands because I’m going absolutely bonkers, at least it’s better than starting the War Machine back up.
Megan,
I think it’s difficult to “judge” yourself whilst still in the grieving process. It may seem like 1 step forward and 3 steps back, but life is that way, isnt it? It does not go straight into one direction, there are turns and hills and everything may seem pointless sometimes and unfair (life is not fair) but you have to give yourself time. The journey can be rocky, but who knows were you’ll arrive, say, 1 year from now? Noone knows, and isnt that also a little bit exciting? You said you are tired of doing the next right thing. Well, then do the wrong thing, but do live. We all make mistakes, be patient with yourself. Try to cultivate some form of hope. Try, try, try. Fail and then try again.
That is the way it goes. Shit happens and we have to deal with it.
Good luck!
Megan,
Hang in there. I know it’s hard, really hard sometimes, and it’s not fair, like really isn’t fair sometimes, believe me I know… Be strong, you’re clearly a very strong person to have been sober for 3 years and 9 months. You can do this… and yes, it is hard and horrible and sometimes you/we/I feel like giving up… But like you said, you stumbled on this site, which I know for me was a Godsend… Keep us posted on how you’re doing… I’m sending you good vibes to help you through… Be nice to yourself, you deserve and need it.
*That was meant to say “Life really isn’t fair sometimes”
Greenroses,
Related to what you said, there’s one thing that helped me a bit…
When I was going through the beginning really hard stuff…well, after the worst trauma part was over, but it was still super-bad, I would lie on my bed and imagine that I had gone through it already and was on the other side and over it.
And I could give myself one minute of peace and release.
I think there are mind-altering aspects to such an exercise— it starts to open a window of hope through imagination, and starts to build a road towards a final peaceful destination.
Now that you reminded me of it, and since I am at least halfway there, I’m going to see how it serves me these days.
Megan,
You can handle this. You are resilient. You should pat yourself on the back for what you’ve done so far.
If you want to, you can separate *your* stuff from other people’s *stuff*. Just like you don’t have to accept a gift, and you don’t have to accept as yours what other people assign to you.
Here’s a posting that you might like: http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/02/19/dont-give-up-the-day-before-the-miracle-happens/
Best,
Serenity
Serenity,
and thank you for reminding me of that, I wanted to do a similar exercise too…once I have a bit of time (so much pressure with work at the moment, I even dont get to journal which I would normally do, not just b/c of the breakup but b/c I always write in a journal..
Imagining things has also helped me in the past.
And whenever I think “o, I miss him soooo much! I want to go back” I tell myself (like an outside voice) “well, go back then! What holds you back?” and very quickly I realise that I do NOT want to go back….so I have to deal with all this grief, but as it is written somewhere here: the only way out is THROUGH….isnt it.
Have a good day..
Okay… I’m not sure if my comment is aligned with what you all are discussing, sorry if I side track things, but I’m having a hard time and just need to toss this out there. 2 months ago I started a 12 step/CoDA. I did then and do now know that I need something. At first I felt full of gratitude and hope. Now I feel bogged down, unable to understand or work my way through the steps, dogged by the past and all around dismal. I’m questioning if I can work this and if it can help me. I’m finding myself looking for reasons to quit. I searched the web today for those reasons and instead found this site. Your thoughts would be welcome.
Welcome to the site jeje!!! Feel free to share on any blog post even if it’s last year or months ago or whatever. We revisit all of them over and over again.
Two months is not a long time. Your initial enthusiasm is probably the relief at finding AN ANSWER.
After two months the realization strikes that it’s a lot of work and you are going to face a lot of STUFF!!! And the internal messages are “GET BACK WHERE YOU BELONG” (there’s a lot of stuff on here about that). It’s a pretty “normal” thing to feel exhausted and questioning after two months.
You don’t have to understand everything today…just keep going and know that you have found the answers to changing your life for the BETTER.
Just hang tight and you will get through it. Are you doing good things for you to BALANCE the work???? That is a GPYP “suggestion” but it’s a pretty heavy-handed suggestion….think of ways to reward you and do good things for you for doing all this work. That is a GPYP “things you must do” in order to KEEP GOING!
Welcome. Glad you’re here.
I just posted for the first time about an hour ago. I wrote before I read. Now I just finished reading the comments in this string. Ironically, in my search for a reason to quit working towards health and peace, I came across this site and it gave me something much better.
Megan - What you expressed is so much like how I’ve been feeling. I’ve had the same desparate ache and want to just chuck all this work and pain. But your words made me realize that feeling like that isn’t unique to me and maybe not permanent. The gifts of encouragement the others wrote/sent to you show me that maybe I can get past this. I’m grateful to you Megan for speaking so honestly and I’m grateful to the others for sharing their love and experience.
Thank you all ~
Susan - I can’t believe someone responded to me so quickly and kindly! No, I have not been being good to myself. Like many other aspects of my life - I jump in feet first and work really hard - and forget to be nice to myself. I think those rewards to myself is exactly what I’ve been missing. ~Thank you so much for reminding me to care for myself ~
Find myself having a hard time these days. I am trying to give advice to others but cant help myself right now. It is almost 6 weeks since I/we broke up and I still have moments like these, when I seem to just suddenly realise that it really happened, it is reality. Kind of like a shock. After all this time!
I am like “oh my god, what made me/ us do this?? after more than 5 years! we were so close, we always said we would make it….what HAPPENED?????” (although I know the answer, but all of a sudden I seem to panic, just as if I could not believe it)
You know, this can be some little that reminds me of him or of our past. A ritual, a word, something private between us, what I or he would do, what we shared, or whatever.
It was my birthday a few weeks back and he wanted to call, but I did not want it. So it was text msg only. Then he wanted to talk “about a few things”, I said I prefer text msg at the moment. Then he wanted me to do a favor for him (I have posted about this on another forum) and I had a hard time in saying no, but kinda did it. Then comes an emotional message, and I responded, but only shortly.
I feel like I am having a hard time setting boundaries. I may appear “cool” towards him but I am full of pain!
And I have a deadline to meet with my work, so I cant go out and meet new people etc and I feel so lost right now. Any encouraging words are welcome…! Thanks in advance
Greenroses,
I had the same experience recently about being reminded of the past together by really little things. The thing is, we were together when both of us were in US. Then my status in US was about to expire and I wanted to get married. He wanted to get married here in India. So, I HAD TO (literally, after begging him a lot) come to India which is where I am right now. Few days back, I was reading a book, and there was a dog that was greyhound. That’s it…!! The word greyhound (”Greyhound” is a inter-city bus-service in US) unlocked so many things… Gosh. I had a little cry then, and didn’t let myself think about it too much.
Then last night, I was making some snack. He used to like when I made it and I was completely used to make it the he liked. Then I realized it again, I would never make it for him. Ever… So I tried to cook it differently and ended up ruining it slightly :)
That actually made me realize something. I feel quite alright these days. But that’s because there is absolutely NOTHING here that could remind me of him anymore. I mean, since I had to move back to India, I had left all my stuff with him. Then I returned a few things that I had of him through someone travelling to US. Even the air I breathe isn’t the air he breathes being on different continents :) So, yeah, I feel alright. Strict NC. But the real test would come when I would go back (and I WILL) to US and face all the familiar things alone. But will cross that bridge when I come to it.
Hi Greenroses,
It has been a month since the NC. 5 months since the breakup. It took me 4 months to have the courage to go on NC. It was a huge step for me. But it shocked my ex. She thought that i will never do NC to her due to the 4 months of contact after the breakup.
During the NC, there will be alot of different feelings each day. I will feel great and invincible today and the next day “whammmm!” go back to where i was, depressed, crying over the breakup. Out of the sudden, it is hard for me to accept that we had broken up. It was hard to accept the new identity. It was hard for me to be without her. Which i thought that i had got over it. What makes things worse was that i will have the urge to contact her whenever these things happen. I’ve broken NC for a few times. I’ve regretted them all. Breaking NC hurts you.
Due to work stuff, we had to contact each other sometimes. I will minimize it and appear very cold when she text or calls. Everytime i spoke to her, it hurts me.
I’m trying very hard to get through each day of NC. I know i had to move on no matter what. Even if she comes back, i will not want her. She had changed. Our ex had changed. We had changed too, to a better person. They are not the person we want who wanted us anymore. I don’t know how to really advice someone (I’m still trying very hard to get over this breakup) . Just want to let you know that you are not alone in this. All the best!
Mayee,
thanks for sharing, its good to know that I am not alone with this :-)
Today, I started the day by jogging for 30 minutes and it really gave me a better start (I had a rather difficult day yesterday, but stayed in the house as I do my writing work) so I hope I will be writing easily today….
Had to smile b/c of your comment re. “not the same air that he breathes”…I think you are doing well.
I had kind of a nightmare last nite (or in the early hours of the morning), I woke up and thought he was here (he used to sleep in the other room during the last stage of our relationship) and I panicked, realised that it was 6 in the morning and he was probably still here…it was like a shock, I felt sooooo uncomfortable. Then I started to realise it was just a dream. And I was so relieved.
I think this nightmare was heaven-sent as it made me realise how much I was dreading such a situation (him coming back) so I take it as a “healing dream”, despite all the longing and missing and grieving, it feels like having done the right thing (i.e. the breakup)
deadMan,
thank you too for sharing this. I appreciate it! I can relate well to the urge of having NC….I tend to do it that way. Since I have a joint business with him I cannot go NC at the moment but its limited to text messages (on business), so I have not seen him or talked to him since the breakup. I am feeling well re. this, b/c I had the urge sometimes (particularly on an emotional day like birthday) but I am proud I could resist. My dream last night (or nightmare, see my last post) was really heaven-sent. I am so grateful for that.
I wish you all the best, too. Let me tell you that you too are not alone. Continue on your NC path, I am sure it is the right thing. Be strong….and best wishes to you
Hey Megan,
You have been sober for almost 4 years?! And you don’t think that’s an achievement?! And all those traumatic thoughts are exactly like having a dementor around, don’t you think? I used to think that maybe dementors are real when I was going through depression. Nothing could make me happy. Since the breakup, I was really shattered. Any memory of X was a torture. All happiness was sucked right out of it. And then I found this site. My friends, people here, the articles on this blog have served exactly as a patronus! Keeping those dementors away. And you don’t even need a happy memory to conjure these patronuses! So seriously, keep us updated how you are doing.