TFTD 5/07/08 ~ Choosing To Change
May 7, 2008 by susangpyp
I wrote this post about 15 months ago but as I was doing some self-analysis yesterday it occurred to me that a couple of things I was doing needed to change. At first I did the old browbeating myself about it and then switched to “self-inventory” mode which is: figure out what needs to change and change it WITHOUT self-judgment.
Figuring out what needs to change in you in a non-judgmental way is what I call being “self-analytical instead of self-critical.” Even after 22 years of doing this stuff I have to remind myself to do “change” in a certain way: recognize (without judgment) that something needs to change, choosing to change it and then setting up a plan to change it. I was looking through the blog because I thought I had blogged about this once upon a time and here it is. So I’m rerunning it. Enjoy!
It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power. - Alan Cohen
Choosing to change is choosing to take your own life into your own hands. It is acting rather than being acted upon. It is deciding instead of having decisions thrust upon you. It is being responsible for instead of being blamed for.
It is becoming self-analytical instead of self-critical.
It is refusing to allow others to take your inventory because you take your own.
It is about tending to your own garden and allowing others to tend to theirs.
It is about saying, “I matter. I am important. I want to live a happy, healthy life.”
Staying locked inside the world you know is not security if it is not meaningful. Ask yourself if your life has purpose and meaning? If not, why not? What is standing in your way? What do you need to do to move, to change, to take back your own power?
Whatever it is, DO IT. Get rid of the old, bring in the new.
Choose to change.
What a great post!!! Thank you :)
How TRUE!
A lot of the changes I’ve been making lately have been largely a leap of faith. I’ve been sticking to the principles you teach here mainly because they made sense logically (even if emotionally I sometimes wanted to rebel against them) and because I knew that MY way was definitely NOT working. But finally, FINALLY, my feelings caught up to my brain.
I’ve learned that first-impressions are misleading, and it’s important to give someone time to show me who they really are before getting involved with them.
I’ve learned that while too much pride may come before a fall, you have to maintain enough pride and sense of self-worth to walk away from people trying to walk all over you.
I’ve learned that approaching your relationship with yourself the same way as you would approach a relationship with another person is essential. (e.g. If you promised yourself you’d hang out and take a bath tonight, do NOT flake on yourself! It’s just as bad or worse than flaking on a friend!)
I’ve learned that a guy’s reaction to learning he’s going to need to wait a little while before you’re going to become physically involved with him teaches you a LOT about who he is and what he’s REALLY about.
For those of you still working on this, it took me a LONG time for my emotions to agree with the logic from GPYP I’ve been forcing myself to follow. But it DOES eventually sink in, and it’s such a relief and a bloom of returning sanity when it comes.
I do have one small complaint, though. Although you’ve pointed out many, many times that NOT needing a relationship is our ultimate emotional goal, there’s still a very strong undertone of “Ultimately, you will have gained the ultimate prize: a man” which seems to me a little counterproductive to the whole exercise of learning not to need one. :)
Reb
Self-analytical, NOT self-critical. Huge difference isn’t it. Self-analytical. I think this would be the biggest exercise to work on myself. And judging from your post, probably longest as well…
Change WITHOUT judgment. Self-analytical. Right, this should go into the journal.
Change is good - JFK
Scary as hell - but ultimately good.
Hi, I have been a long time reader of your blog. I’m from Brazil.
Your blog helped me get through one really bad breakup and since then I’ve become a reader.
Well, today, I am in a new relationship. I still have issues of my own (but hey who doesnt). But I have grown a lot in these last few years, and for that I am gratful. Sure, I am not in a perfect relationship but thanks to your words I now know what one looks like. And both my partner and I made a conscious decision to work towards this perfect relationship to get the closest you can get from that, or even one that works and helps up grow as people.
Anyway, you certanly have helped me a lot, specially during the hard times when nobody - really, nobody - seems to care about your pain. This is exactly why I find this blog to be so great: it gives people hope when they feel the most hopeless and it gives precise technical guidance to those in need.
So, I just want to say thank you, really.
Like I said, I am from Brazil (I guess you can call me the little yellow dot there on the map lol) and would like to let you know you are actually inspiring and touching people all over the globe. It is really something to be pround of.
Thanks again and a quick apology for any spelling/grammar mistakes, because English is not my first language. So sorry about the sloppy English going on here. Either way, I think I was able to get the point across.
So, cheers from Brazil and please keep it up.
A-thank you for visiting.
One of my other readers from Brazil attended the March seminar which was so great for me to experience (having readers from all over come to NYC)….I am thrilled to have you here and am glad that this has helped you. Your English is WONDERFUL!!! Much better than my Spanish which is faulty at best. Keep us posted on the new relationship and again, thanks for being here!
Rebecca: it IS a leap of faith. I know that, for me, I had NO idea that anything I was doing would work at all…but it does work….keep it up!!!
Rebecca: where is the undertone?
I don’t think that having a man is the ultimate prize. I think that being okay with who you are NO MATTER WHAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS is the ultimate prize. And if you are there a relationship CAN BE the cherry on top but it’s not necessary. I was okay with my life and being alone when I met my husband who was okay with his life.
I am happy with me and will be happy with me inside a relationship or not in a relationship…and my relationship reflects that because I’m independent and tend to my life IN a relationship.
We were both single parents and definitely made each other’s loads lighter so there was a partnering that happened that enhanced each other’s lives…but we were both very fine and very happy on our own. We were both very good single parents, we both had friends and interests, self-confidence and self-esteem. I was fine where I was as was he.
When we merged our lives, everyone benefited from the merger but we were both really fine on our own and I don’t think that my happy marriage is necessarily the TRUE measure of my success but simply ONE of the reflections of MY TRUE MEASURE OF SUCCESS: and that is to be okay with me and to be good to myself and nurture myself and improve NO MATTER WHAT.
That is the true measure of success…the ultimate prize. *I* am the ultimate prize.
Hm. I think maybe the undertone is more about me and where I’ve been coming from than anything you’ve said, now that I think about it.
Of course, it’s true that with a group of people all trying to move past bad relationships and many wishing those bad relationships could have magically turned into good relationships rather than leaving them in a pit of pain (I know I did) the focus of discussion just tends to be on… relationships.
Which sometimes makes me feel frustrated because I’d like to learn not to focus on this so much and just to live my life and let things come as they please.
I’ve realized lately that I almost ALWAYS size up a guy my age for ‘potential’ even though I haven’t been dating! It’s a knee-jerk reaction and I can’t help but wonder if it isn’t exactly the WRONG way to go about getting to know a guy.
Thoughtful,
Reb
Rebecca,
I think part of the undertone is from a lot of us posters.
When we all think about our goals in life, for many of us it is a family. And then, often, there is usually a primary person we hope for with which we want to form that family…
And I agree, since a lot of us had wished that our breakup relationship had turned into something much better (or the bananahead had turned into a strawberry), we do have a relationship focus sometimes.
It’s important, as you and Susan are saying, to put the horse before the cart. Horses don’t push carts very well. And you don’t have to have a cart if that’s not for you. You can travel faster and further without one.
Yeah I think if we’re being honest, we ALL ultimately want to find the right one. I think it’s something everyone wants. It is absolutely 100% important to be happy with yourself and your life, but I think in the back of our heads will always be that idea that one day the right person will come along.
I don’t think it’s from Susan or the posters or anything in particular…it’s societal, even biological.
And the truth is, the happiest people on this blog are the ones who have found better, stronger loves in their life. Not exactly a coincidence.
Trash Trash Trash…. not you or anyone here… i am just expressing my anger that i am so tired of being “put out with the garbage” i am not a closet friend… i am not your trash…. i don’t treat my fiends that way, and my friends don’t treat me that way…
if someone puts conditions on friendship…. like “jump on one foot and juggle these plates” and you don’t do it right enough for them… .chances are they are not really your friend…. don’t put up with it… i am not putting up with that…
I am not trash….
Sorry I just needed to vent….
I just threw away everything I got from my ex… including all old emails… .i removed her number from my phone… I am feeling very emotional, as I clean out my “closet” figuratively and literally…
Thank you Susan..
Oh yes…
this is part of me changing… and not letting anyone treat me badly… and if they do… “SEE YA!!”
Good to hear from you Rob. I’ve been wondering how you are doing. Glad you’re here!!!
thanks…. just a little, ok maybe a lot of recycling today :(
i was feeling very angry…
Sorry to hear it Rob, I know how you feel.
Maybe you all can give me insight on this.
I’ve been debating on going on something like eHarmony and the debate in my head goes something like this:
Against: Stop trying to control things and being so impatient. You will meet the right guy when it’s time, and you need to be TOTALLY at peace with being single. Going on a website to find a date is NOT something someone at peace with being single would do.
For: You can be at peace with being single and still want to open yourself to meeting someone. It is very difficult to meet and know if someone has a chance of being right for you, so something like this is a very good way to meet potential partners. It’s also a good chance to practice healthy dating, by practicing on people you don’t know and never need see again.
Thoughts?
Reb
Rebecca,
My personal experience with these types of sites is that you run the risk of people being not exactly truthful.
I would recomend instead trying meetup.com. That way you can meet people that are interested in the types of activities that you are. It is not a dating site so generally isn’t a “meat market”
I dont’ know if you are a parent… but i am going to look into a group called Parenting without partners….
http://www.parentswithoutpartners.com/
i have heard good things about the group in my area…
i have done Match and Eharmony, i guess i have met some nice friends…. nothing serious yet…
remember what Susan says… whater seeks its own level…
so people looking for meat will find it… people looking to make friends will find that too…
thanks for your support :)
i am feeling better today
I am new and feeling unsettled today. I have been in a 8 year relationship. I asked him to move out 2 yrs ago and we lived separately but dated since then. He has commitment / intimacy issues and a month ago said “I can’t get sober sitting in a bar” and therefore we are no longer boyfriend / girlfriend.
He is grandpa to my 2 yr old grand daughter I am raising and the only male figure in her life. He comes over every Monday night to visit with her but the last 2 weeks has come over twice a week. After she goes to bed he stays and visits with me which gives me encouragement that we may get back together.
Last night he said he was “thinking of us going for a short get-a-way” meaning a weekend but didn’t think he could financially afford to pay for it. I offered to help pay for it and feel like I totally back-slided on my commitment to my recovery. He said we’ll see and that usually means nothing will come of it. I have been his lowest priority for the last 2.5 yrs and have settled for what I call “crumbs”.
I can’t bring myself to do no contact, still love him and am very attracted to him even though we haven’t been sexual for a year and a half.
Help!
You probably dont want to hear this but NC is the way to go. Hell, I’d go on a vacation with anyone willing to pay (almost anyone would).
Take back the crumbs. And kick him out of your life and your granddaughters life. This is no kind of relationship to be modeling for a little girl.
Stay around here and youll get strong.
Hey Rob L.
My experience is when we’re out, we meet the meat-eaters and the greeters both.
If we are healthy enough, we stay out of the meat-eaters’ caves.
Seeif posted a good link about a month ago about red flags– I think Susan (hello! Susan) should post about what kind of red flags exist…
But things to consider:
1) Don’t rush into ANYTHING. Sit back and let the other person show you who he/she is for QUITE a while. DO NOT tell another person “what you are looking for”. That allows people to show you only that side. Keep it to yourself!
2) Be VERY suspicious of anybody who tells you they love you or wants to jump into a serious relationship early on (like in the first three weeks)
3) Hold back on the physicality. That screws with your mind, literally.
4) There are people who present a facade to the world. Is this one?
5) What are the person’s friends like? Birds of feather people!
6) What does the person DO. Ignore everything that person says. What does s/he DO???