Check in Thread 5/4 II
May 6, 2008 by susangpyp
Hi Everyone: I’m changing this “while I was away” post to Check-in Thread 5/4 II since the other one is getting really long…feel free to continue on this one.
While I was away you guys went completely crazy…as in prolific crazy!!
I had a really packed day that started at 4 am and I am just now getting to your comments and email at 9:17 pm. I had work meetings, work assignments, book assignments and lots of stuff to do. I have dozens of blog comments to read and an incredible backlog of email. All from today!!! :)
Okay ‘kay ‘kay (Joe Pesci…Lethal Weapon something)…I will get to all of it tonight and tomorrow. Promise. Promise. Promise.
But I’m glad you guys are hanging out together and taking care of each other when I’m flat out. Talk to you all soon!!!
:)
I’m not really sure where to post this, so I will give it a shot here. I am attempting to instill NC.
Long story short:
A 3 year dysfunctional relationship ended 3 weeks ago. We were a great couple sober but completly horrific when we drank. She moved on only 2 days after the breakup with a complete low-life. I was okay with the breakup, but her drunken actions after have what put me over the edge. I was a complete mess for 2 weeks.
I am now attempting to get my life on track. I am completely committed to pulling myself together. I quit drinking, I joined the gym and I am buying a new car. I am also looking to get my career back on track.
I think she was my best friend and in a way she was. But she also was my worst enemy. I know that and I know that we need to cease ANY kind of relationship.
So a couple of days ago I was intent on “No Contact”. I made the decision. She has tried this “friends” bit with me and I just can’t let her bring me down again, as I feel like I am hanging on to false hope and she is just waving it in front of me.
I went about it today and it turned ugly, which is not how I wanted it to go. Now she is turning this cold shoulder and it’s pissing me off. I guess I just want to feel like the 3 years I invested in mattered and right now I feel like I was completely used.
My apologies. That wasn’t short…
Sounds like my story last year Mike. The best thing would be to start focusing on you and your own well-being. Once you break up as a couple, the obligations that you have for the other person cease. You don’t owe them anything at that point, esp if you were the one that got the shaft.
I was drinking excessively first when I had my break up. The only thing that this led to was making things worse. It was like throwing gasoline on a fire.
Sometimes in life there isn’t a good or bad event. Sometimes it is the lesser of 2 evils that occurs, and that lesser evil is cutting your losses and not the time that you invested instead.
I’ve cut out alcohol from my life for the most part about 99.9%
My ex used to be a heavy drinker and this only caused problems. In the same instance, I also drank for all the wrong reasons.
I know there are arguments for this, but all the negative effects from alcohol greatly outweigh any positive benefits. At best you can claim red wine thins blood, but so does ample amounts of fish oil (I did an experiment on this).
At the most I might socially have a beer or 2, but honestly alcohol has been nothing but destructive in my life. You sound like you are off to a good start, and I’m not sure what your stance is on alcohol, but at least for the time being I’d refrain from any consumption.
Alcohol for me always enhanced whatever I was feeling and so if I was happy it made me more happy and if I was sad… it left me inconsolable. And so a long time ago I made a decision to only drink when I was happy… drinking isn’t so great, actually and so you are probably better off refraining for now.
Hang in there with the NC - if there is one surefire way to get over someone it is to AVOID ALL CONTACT WITH THEM. Dont look at their pictures… don’t answer their calls.. don’t call them… don’t write to them… don’t google their name… or look for them online… don’t ask mutual friends about them… just stay away - it’s the only way. Trust me… I have done both… NC works… breaking NC only hurts. Eventually the distance you create breaks down your attachment to them… once the attachment is disolved, indifference takes over and then you are free…
Good luck!!! (and read this site whenever you want to break NC… it helps. I also highly recommend the relationship inventory and the post breakup no no list - both on this site)
I was a heavy drinker when i was in my teens. But has since stopped when i was with my ex. But due to the breakup, i has been using alcohol to numb myself. It may work, but only for a short period. For a heavy drinker like me, how much alcohol must you take before you get drunk? I will only worsen your health and make you feel worse after that.
It’s good going to the gym. I’ve cut down on alcohol, and started going to the gym more often. Going to the gym is a good way to destress and build up your body at the same time. Looking better after that will make you feel good.
I’ve also started going clubbing during my free time like i did in my teenage years. You don’t have to get on the dance floor don’t like to dance, but just enjoy some cocktail and chatting with people may be good. It allow you to make more friends to hang out with.
I’ve stopped doing alot of things which i used to like when i was with my ex just because she didn’t like it. Now i’m starting to do what i wanted to do and loved doing but did not get to when i was in the relationship. It made me feel better and not want to go back to the ex.
Don’t ever break NC… i had enough of the bad experiences. I will never want to break it. It hurts and destroy me whenever i break it. Breaking NC will only make you feel worse.
All the best people… :)
Thanks for the responses. I am completely committed to sobriety with AA and therapy. Coping with the pain was always easy with alcohol. The problem I am having is adjusting and grieving my loss with sobriety.
I don’t think there is a soul (us included), that knew our relationship, believes we should be together. It’s the change and acceptance that I am having a hard time with. It hurts knowing that I have no shot at having any kind of companionship when I am committed to fixing my own problems. She on the otherhand will find companionship with ANYONE who is nice to her after midnight. It breaks my heart knowing that she degrades herself when she is so much better than that. She won’t admit she has an alcohol problem. I am adressing my problem and know I will be in a much better place because of it.
I have been my own worst enemy for years and I am now learning how to be my own best friend.
Mike S. it sounds like you are having a hard time letting go of her despite wanting to go NC. You go NC, but then you get upset because she cold shoulders you. You know the relationship was bad, but then you’re thinking about how she’s acting with others outside of it.
I think you might need to really work on accepting that it is over; it is for the best for both of you; and she has her own journey to make and her own decisions to make about what to do with herself. All you can do is take care of yourself, and maybe way down the road in the future, you can give back to other people like yourself and her.
It’s awfully hard to let go when we’ve focused so much of ourselves on another person, I know. So I think it’s a target area for immediate and constant work. Work on the stuff we can (ours) and accept the stuff we can’t.
Hey Serenity, thanks for the positive reinforcement on the previous checking in thread. I think you are right when you said that acting “as if” can lead to “is” (Beatrice, pay attention here to what Serenity says).
I haven’t/don’t always feel “as if” but I certainly do my best to act as if and have found that there are more and more moments of “is” as a result.
I do miss what the ex and I had that was good and I do think he is a good person, just immature. He is totally enmeshed in his current relationship and I see, too, that is part of his immaturity. He needs another 5+ years of relationships and growth of his own before he would be ready for a real relationship. My bet is, however, he will stay with the current g/f, get married, have babies and settle into an eventually unhappy marriage because his image of how things should be are really really dreams of an unexperienced individual. Maybe I am wrong but I don’t think so.
So, why am I saying this (should any of you be thinking I shouldn’t care)….I see it this way to remind myself of the reality instead of the fantasy of my relationship with him. I was in love with the fantasy and ignoring the reality.
When I feel nostolgic for the good old days (7 years of them), I turn to the reality/truth. Our time together was an important time for both him and I to grow. Now we both must move on to the next phase of our individual lives and own personal growth.
And I am not putting everything on him either…..I was probably a “bananahead” myself in some ways. I’ve done a lot of personal reflection because there are things I need to heal in myself. I have a lot of self-loathing/lack of self-respect that I need to rise above. How can I ever expect people to love me or treat me well if I do not love myself and stop doing for people just so that they will love me.
Old habits die hard…at least I see them now and am more honest with myself. I have therapy later today and looking forward to it. The therapist also recognizes the better self-awareness and growth in me since I’ve begun therapy and we are working on some specific points around building my self-confidence. I AM going to be a happier and more fulfilled human being!
Peace and happiness and brighter tomorrows to each of you!
i’m wondering why will an ex call you after a week or month of NC? Or why they just call out of the sudden? Do they feel better if they just call suddenly? My ex called out of the blue but i don’t know what is the issue though. I did not answer yet she kept calling and calling. It just made me wonder why she does that.
The dreaded “Drive by…viewing”
Its called a “heat check.” They need to see if you are still there or have you moved on. Also, exs do this to ease their guilt and maybe even validate their actions (again).
Its about them and don’t let it mess with your stuff.
Jenny
Kathy & Serenity,
Thanks for the great advice on the last check-in thread. I know what my gut is telling me - but I’m still working on trusting that 100% so it sometimes helps to hear the truth from others. And I know this is the place to come when I need that. I worked some more on my relationship inventory last night - I should be done by next week. But something I realized last night is that I think getting involved with this guy would be bad news, not just because of the characteristics I’ve seen as red flags so far, but also because I honestly think part of me is still coming from a place of loneliness and desperation. And in my last relationship, that led me to overlook all these same things I’m seeing in this new guy. And I relate to the “feeling ignored” thing when the ex was watching tv or on the computer. He felt like us sitting on the couch together staring at a lit screen was “quality time” and never understood why I got frustrated with that. I ended up feeling like I had to “entertain” to get attention. I don’t want that again. Another thing I realized last night - this new guy offered to drive down here to see me for our last 2 dates. At the time, I thought - how sweet, he’s willing to drive all that way to see me. But now I’m thinking it was more of a way to get me to decide what to do on our dates - he doesn’t know the area I live in, so when he came here, I picked where we ate, etc. My ex was like that too - we never did anything away from home unless I planned it out and arranged all the details. I got very resentful of that - once in awhile, I wanted him to plan something for ME. Take the initiative. Make the effort. Give something back. I’m not going through that again. So I’ve made up my mind - this guy is probably a loser. And since he still hasn’t contacted me since Saturday, maybe the issue has resolved itself!! :) Thanks again for helping me clarify this in my own head!!
Hope everyone is doing well!
Lucy
Deadman,
She’s testing the water. Jenny is right - don’t let her mess with your head. It doesn’t mean anything. Also, I don’t know your ex - but I’ve had exes in the past who liked to boost their own ego by contacting me just to hear me go on about how much I still missed them, blah, blah. They had no intention of working things out with me - just wanted to know that I was still pining away. The bottom line is - it doesn’t matter why she’s calling. Ignore it - and continue to take care of you!
Lucy
Lucy,
I can relate to being the initiator/planner/entertainer. But, something I have learned is that I allowed this behavior from other people.
So, for the guy who was willing to drive to your area to see you, the outer you liked that he came after you but the inner you resented that once he got there you had to take care of him. Since I behave similarly, my therapist has explained that I need to better understand the inner me and address my own reactions (understand the why and then how to resolve it).
A possible way, in your situation, would be to verbally acknowledge to the guy how much you appreciate his coming to your town but that you would like him to select a place to go since you would like to be surprised….the internet should make that easy for him).
We need to learn to say what we want. My MO is usually to take care of others and be a suffering martyr when people don’t take care of me. I’m learning so much about myself and what I need to do to change and get healthy.
Thanks Seeif!! Yeah, I seem to be moving forward inch by inch … sort of just caught in a whirlwind not sure what direction I’m going… but I am sticking to NC and it does hurt every day though as his thoughts come to mind and the way he ditched me and moved on so easily was something I believed he could/would never do…
Oh well….we gotto do what we gotto do… Can’t stop living for ourselves…especially.
I will look out for those pages you’ve mentioned in that book…thanks!
Kalo,
Yeah! I’m sure it’s easier for you to stick to NC now that you know for sure how your ex feels… which is so different from what he used to feel, not what you want or expect him to feel etc. It will be like an insult to you if you go back to someone who’s allowed themselves to change, who didn’t keep their word etc… more than all…broke your heart… you don’t need to be going back to someone …or thinking about them (much much easier said than done!!!) even one bit. Don’t break NC…. it’s not worth it…though it sucks..you’ll have to sort of change all the past patterns in your life…. time will help, but it’s not easy… there will be many rocky roads and tears… but you will survive…
Staying strong for all of us…..
‘Nese,
Yes… I know…I won’t like what I see if I go to those websites and I’m not prepared to accept what might be there …for I feel I’ve been wronged by my ex and can’t accept anything different or see him with someone happy etc. for I feel he doesn’t deserve it.
It’s hard to stop the urge to google his name… I shouldn’t be curious about him, but there are still such residual feelings…. maybe time will help? My focus is moving to myself… but can’t change everything overnight.
I know we are not supposed to care and not wonder and just be indifferent about all of this…but there is one question that has plagued me since the beginning of all of this and I can’t seem to find the answer….and maybe you can also just let me know that it doesn’t matter and I shouldn’t be thinking about this question….(so why am I asking)? But I am sure it’s on everyone’s mind….
My ex left me for another woman…and like I am told, it would have happened either way….Although I hurt deeply, I am at peace with my life. I move forward every little bit every day. Some days I am more bitter than other days, but I try to have a positive outlook and smile everyday. I know I can sleep at night, I have nothing to feel guilty about. I have not done my family/children wrong. I tried to be the ”good” wife, mother etc…and my ex walked out on me and the kids.
Can someone actually feel good about that and live their whole lives without any pain or guilt to what they have done to their kids/family? I’m very curious. What about the relationship that he is now in with the other woman? Can a relationship based on guilt (if there is any) on knowing that he cheated with her and also throughout our relationship together, can that last? What about the whole poor pititful me syndrome that he is reflecting on everyone else…blaming me for all of what he’s done…so he feels better…does that ever end?
Just wondering what your experiences are with this and maybe make me understand the complexities of all of this, if it even matters.
Thanks all!
Esprit,
Sadly, yes, someone can do what your ex did without feeling pain or guilt. Someone who lacks empathy can do it — does do it. Go to any site or the thread here that talks about personality disorders or pathological narcissism and you can read about people who do all the things you wonder about.
I continue to learn about that behavior because it is so foreign to me — or how I feel about people, including my ex. But I should say that being with someone who behaves without empathy is not foreign to me. Alas.(And I am looking at that.)
My advice to you, Esprit, is to learn about these behaviors. It can help put a lot of it in perspective. At least it did for me.
Also, don’t get caught up in the labels. They really don’t matter in the end. What matters is: can you find a way to comprehend something that seems incomprehensible?
The answer is: Yes. But as you read about pathological narcissism, focus on how you felt or feel when you’re around those behaviors. That’s what helped me the most.
By focusing on my feelings I began to see the LIE of what I was being told. It may be different for others but I had to see the lies my ex was telling me about what I did or what I didn’t do…BEFORE I could sit down and sort out what I was responsible for. Mostly, why I stayed with someone who virtually never took responsibility for his hurtful behavior.
I had to look at what he did, how he lied ABOUT me, before I could find what was true about me, according to myself.
That’s the order I’ve had to do it. I had to deprogram the brainwashing.
Again, don’t worry about labels. But learn what you can even if you just do a search on “blaming” or abandons family but “feels no guilt or remorse.” If you want, see what you find on a search on specific behaviors.
Learning freed me to do my own recovery. Not anyone else’s version of it.
Good luck.
Thanks seeif…
Been away for last 3 days. Had gone to a family wedding. It was slightly bad. Kept thinking I could have been married by this time had things went alright. That kept giving me twinges in the heart.
I also kept telling myself, had I been married, I probably would have been in a bad marriage as well.
I also kept blaming X for putting me in a situation where people have questions in their eyes as to what is my future going to be. And then kept reminding myself, that’s irrational and he obviously hadn’t planned on these weddings to take place in a situation like this.
That worked good enough. While traveling back, I still kept punching his face to bloody pulp in my imagination. That doesn’t work really. And the imaginary situation where I usually pulp him is a situation where he tells me he cares about me.
Throughout 2 months and some more days, there have been flashes of relief that it’s over. Mostly when I realize that the relationship was draining me a whole lot. Taking a big toll on my emotional energy. But I realized today, that whatever forces were causing this burden upon me causing me to expend more energy are gone and EVEN AFTER the burden is gone, there still remains a bond underneath between X and me. 2 months were just enough to start replenishing energy reserves. This is where I need to watch myself. Because this is where I will feel the bond without the burdensome forces. I suppose, my built-in forgetter is at work.
Rebecca,
From previous thread, I saw your response. I think you misunderstood. He didn’t cheat with a friend of mine. I have never met this new girl and couldn’t care less. She is world to him - she could be ‘miss world’ to him, she isn’t even on my mind. I just came to know about her through a common friend.
Thanks for the response, Lucy and Jenny
I am determined not to break NC again. I’ve broken NC for quite a number of times. It hurts everytime and destroys me completely. I do not want to be hurt like that anymore.
Sometimes, actions of the ex just puzzled me. There will be NC for a few weeks then she will suddenly call like nothing happened, disappear from my life for a few more weeks and appear again. What the heck is that? What does she treat me as?
She doesn’t even know if she should or wanted to break up with me. She just wanted to try if life without me is better. She could date around, play around, do her own things without having to think about me or worry if it has crossed the line. She won’t have to be guilty if she had done anything wrong to me. IF it were to turn out not like what she expected, she still have to back up which is me… Well, i don’t want to be the backup anymore.
I don’t know what causes the change in her. She wasn’t like this in the past. Maybe i was in the “honeymoon phrase” and i did not realise all these. I don’t hate her, but i hate the things she did to me.
I’m letting go of everything we had and were, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It does and it is killing me inside. It’s a shame that we were not what we used to me. It’s a shame that she was not the one i want who wanted me. It’s a shame that we were ending like this. I have to move on without her…
Thanks for all the support from you people. I really appreciate them.
Ok. I peacefully instilled No Contact. We had a good conversation and there was no yelling, fighting, or drama. I opened up and told her how hurt I was and how I felt. I told her that the 3 years we had didn’t matter and really there was no way for her to prove otherwise to me (sleeping with someone 2 days after we broke-up insures that!). I told her how unhealthy it was for her and as much as I hurt from it, she is also hurting herself worse. She kept trying to change the subject but I told her that it has been bottled up and I’m not fighting but I needed to get this out. She knows she was horrendously wrong and is suffering from some serious regret from what she did. She also knows that she didn’t take a “step-up” from me either.
I told her it wasn’t a good idea for us to remain in contact with each other. She asked if we could still be friends. I told her maybe sometime down the road but not now. I am building up way too much now that she will very likely tear down.
She said she wouldn’t be calling me anymore but I could always call her. I told her I wouldn’t be. She said alright and we both said good bye.
I am starting to make good decisions for myself and this is one of them. I feel things are going to rapidly fall in place for me. I still feel sad about the whole situation though and I hope I get through this. I feel there is a complete void in my life now.
Hey all,
I’ve been really busy the last week. Just had a quick look through the check-in thread…
Kalo - wanted to say I’m so sorry that things didn’t go the way you’d hoped when you met with your ex. Like you said, at least you know it’s truly over now… you can begin to gradually heal and move on. But that probably feels like little consolation at the moment… Your description of that day reminds me a lot of the last time I saw my ex… I hope you’re not feeling too bad mate. I’m glad you did alright on your GRE :-) It’d great that you didn’t go to pieces in front of him, you conducted yourself with dignity which says a lot about the sort of woman you are… you’ve handled this whole thing (e.g. waiting till after the GRE to see him, and the way you conducted yourself when you saw him) with compassion towards yourself (and him). You can and will be fine… Love and hugs.
Deadman (and other recent break-up folks)
It sounds like you need to enforce NC for you, cos your ex can’t or won’t stick to it.
I know the pain, you said it’s killing you inside, that’s how I felt, but believe me, with sustained NC you will start to feel better (I’m nearly 3 months NC now - I told my ex not to contact me again unless he had been sure for many, many, many months that he wanted to and could be with me without any of his confused BS anymore - he hasn’t been in contact!). I’ve deliberately been making plans in advance so that I keep busy (advice that someone on here gave me just a week or so after my break-up), seeing old friends and new ones, and making myself go out sometimes even if I don’t feel like… I think that’s one of the best things to do in the early weeks and months, it’s really helped me to not dwell on stuff to do with him and to not contact him… keeping busy, distracting yourself if it all starts feeling like too much. Sure, sometimes you need to stay in and have a good cry or whatever, and let it all out, but I think too much of that in those first few weeks can become a a black hole you get sucked into, and before you know it you’re feeling awful and on the verge of making contact with them.
I’ve come up with a kind of list of stuff I can do if I am on my own and start feeling really rubbish, e.g. phoning a friend, listening to some feel-good tunes I love to dance to, watching “Sex and the City” DVD (I bought the entire 6 seasons the other week! Am slowly working my way through them!), having a relaxing bath, journalling, going to the gym, going for a walk, etc…
I hope this helps… And know that you are not alone… x
Good Mike S. That was a healthy and strong thing you did.
Mayee, it sounds as if you’re getting to the rage stage of abandonment. Don’t let yourself internalize bad stuff…work on affirming positive things about yourself. Put your anger into your own positive projects. What are you working on or could work on in your own life that is fun, beneficial, exciting, or interesting?
Have you done the relationship inventory yet? Because it sounds like, from what you posted, that you’re really really ready to do it, and you need to do it to remind yourself about the negatives and to move more and more towards letting go.
deadMan,
Feeling like the backup plan is an awful feeling. That part has to do with you too, low self esteem is a hard thing to accept. I know, I was the backup plan for a long time, however, I also accepted that place, until I learned that I am as deserving as anyone else to have someone that I’m their number one plan.
You have a lot of insight and you are hurt. You’re already making good sound decisions, NC being the best one. Allow yourself to be selfish and all about you for three months. Start there, and then when three months arrive, give yourself more and every day you practice NC, pat yourself on the back. Become your best champion, you biggest supporter and your own best friend. You have to work on getting your self esteem in a place that you respect yourself first. Trust the process, that is all you have to do right now with your broken dreams and heart, just trust, that each day is toward a place of peace and understanding.
You will sort through it all and every answer you ask is inside yourself. They all get answered and it will all make sense, so don’t distress about all of that.
Right now, just stop running in circles and know you are going to get through this today. You have a lot of support right here and everyone has a story that you’ll see some of yourself in as we see some pieces of ourselves in your story.
You are not alone, you are cared for and you are a strong good person who is going to stick with NC. It is a shame that we all can’t get what we want all the time, but sometimes it turns out to be exactly what we really did want at the time. Discover who you are as you stand in this world. You are number one right now to you. We all admire your first step to knowing you deserve more than the back burner.
Serenity,
You have been a very good voice of reason on here for me. I am very grateful for your advice.
The one problem I know I am going to have is making it stick. I need to be disciplined. And I know I have more discipline than she does. I WON’T ANSWER THAT PHONE!
thanks people… Reading the posts by you people really gave me the courage and drive to continue moving on. :)
I started journaling the day I came to know about X’s fast engagement to someone else. If I go through what I have written then, it’s like an inventory. Because mostly I wrote about how much he hurt me, how much he humiliated me by his behavior/accusations etc. Those entries are like reminders.
Then I actually started an inventory exactly as Susan described. But those entries mostly concern why I behaved the way I behaved during those 5 years.
As for the rage, there are flashes. Just like flashes of relief. So I don’t feel the need to express the rage. Nowadays most of daydreams are where I really reject him on his face and don’t feel a thing about it.
The rage which DOES get expressed every once in a while is due to family of origin. It’s mostly directed towards my mum. I don’t even know why I am angry with her as the issues that tick me off are so mundane looking. I guess I am completely pissed off about the fact that she keeps telling me how much dad’s behavior bothers/irritates/angers/disgusts her. I have been hearing about it since I came to age. And at this point, I guess, I am a bit selfish for attention. I just don’t want to hear things about her dynamics…
Mayee, is it echoing in your head? Sound like anything you’ve heard before?
Your mother’s probably told you things like that your whole life, so you’ve seen them a lot…You went out and tried to fix them somewhere else? And it didn’t work? And now you’re back hearing about them again….
Remember your mom is in that situation probably because of her own FOB issues and your grandparents’ FOB issues and their grandparents’ FOB issues…
Have the dynamics between your parents always taken away your mom’s attention from you? What can you do to give yourself the attention you crave? Do you have numbers of a bunch of your posse lined up to talk to them in progression? (That way, no one gets too tired :D )
Mike S. you’ve got a pretty serious situation going on there. Have you seriously considered changing your telephone number to protect your progress? I wish I had done that, and blocked my email at the beginning, because I didn’t and he didn’t respect my wishes for NC.
I don’t think I fixed my mum’s dynamics with my relationship. If at all, I played it out just in a different setting. That is, a traditional Indian relationship (to some extent even now) is dominant, passive in family, earning man and submissive, devoted to family, housewife/working woman. Mum had to face a lot of issues after marriage. Some of the things she tells about how dad treated her really disgust me. And it wasn’t considered much worse in her time. It was her who saw it to be wrong, it was her that saw she couldn’t retaliate and decided to improve herself. And because she decided that, her children, two of us, turned out to be really wonderful and successful kids (at least, my brother is that way. To call myself successful would still take a while.)
So far, I have always idolized her. But now the fact that she could never retaliate to dad has started to bother me a lot. I look at it as her spineless-ness. It started bothering me after I told her about my suicidal gesture. I tried that about 3 years ago, but told her only few months back. I also told her my X’s reaction to it (”If this is your attempt to get my attention, it won’t work”). And her only response was “Well, why didn’t you end it then?” After stressing our minds endlessly how much she is always there for us, that response came sooooo inadequate and indifferent…. And to the deepest festering wound of mine.
It’s just that, some of the phrases my mum uses, are exactly what my X used. Especially regarding above situation. When I told both of them I didn’t like their reaction, both said, I can’t change the way I behave.
That has been my lesson. I can’t change anyone. A VERY hard lesson. I tried it with dad, with mum, with X. To get them understand my needs and get them behave - or rather react - accordingly. For every one of them reasons are different. But the fact is, I can’t change them.
As for attention, I don’t know why I crave it so much. And I do have posses lined up! That is, close friends and then obviously there are all of you who actually bother to reply to me! Once Susan wrote a small reply to my post and I felt like a celebrity :D
Mike S.
My X most likely cheated. It wasn’t working between us anyway. But I think he had started dating this other girl a week before he told me he didn’t want to continue. I had no idea then. He actually got engaged to her within a week after breakup. When you wrote, “she moved on only 2 days after the break-up with a complete low-life”, it rang so true to me.
I came to know about the other girl after one month of breakup. It seems he called me in the night. Went to his friend in the morning to tell him he broke up with me and is dating this other girl. Next day, went to a mutual friend of ours to say the same things. This was the news that eventually made me block him from chat, put a filter for his emails. He won’t call me since we are currently half the world apart. It took about 4 more weeks to arrange the pickup for my stuff at what was our place.
So… block her as much as possible. Over chat, in emails, change phone number if you want. It also makes you feel like you are taking control of your own life. So if not for anything else, just for getting the control back, do it.
Mayee,
Fast engagement? Wow. I don’t know how I would react to that. I do find this getting better and better each day. I don’t think my situation is as severe as yours, so please stay strong.
I take great pride in knowing that I am in a much better place than she is right now.
I really don’t think she had anything with this guy beforehand. She regrets it and most of our common friends know what she did was deplorable and an absolute joke. Plus, he moved to another state just the other day. When I say she took a “step-down” from me, I mean literally (about 9 inches) and figuratively. I’m not being jealous but objective here. I am 6′3 and he is about 5 foot nothing. I have a promising career ahead of me and he couldn’t pay his bar tab. But the way I look at it, he is irrelevant. It could have been a homeless person on the street. That’s how low her self-esteem is and when she gets drunk, watch out.
The girl can’t be trusted when she drinks. She turns overly sexual and is a completely different person. Unfortunately, she doesn’t recognize her drinking problem. I can only hope that a higher power looks after her now, as she is no longer my problem.
I don’t think changing my number is necessary. It’s the same number I have had since 2002. I ended the contact and “rejected the rejecter” on MY TERMS. I took control of the situation and set-up the resolution that I WANTED. I took all the power back and all of the control. Now I am just going to disappear from the radar for a long time. I’m not even going to associate with common friends because as far as I am concerned, I NO LONGER EXIST TO HER. And judging by her actions, that’s the way she wants it anyways. Now she’s got it.
Mayee,
Oh, I misunderstood.
The frustration I feel is knowing that my ex went on to hurt people that were my friends while we were together - people I came to care about - with his lying and cheating.
The more I learn about him after the fact the more I think he is probably a narcissist. It’s hard for me to resist the urge to “save” people from him.
Reb
I changed my number recently and I really regret not doing it sooner. It’s very easy to change a number (cost me like $15 on T-Mobile), a small price to pay for peace of mind. My ex won’t accept that I’m not in his life anymore, and he keeps reaching out. Just knowing that anytime my phone rings or I get a text there’s no way it’s him–this has been a huge relief of anxiety for me.
Just bought the Grief Handbook today. I’m having a bit of a low week and could use the brain boost.
Today I was searching my mails for something else, when I found archived chats with my X from more than 2 years ago. That time I had gone to UK for some work for a month.
I read all the chat transcripts. Last week I did this with his emails and cried. Today, it’s mostly a ‘creeped out’ feeling. Like: eek or yuck…
And I was so needy…I feel mostly disgusted after reading them. I am not exactly sure what the disgust is about. Is it the hunny-bunny childish language that we used (feels really creepy now)? Is it the ever present layer of my needy-ness even in the chat? Or is it just the fact that when I read it, I can’t relate to it? That is the affection that was present 2 years ago doesn’t feel real anymore..
Someone should just poke myself in head and ask, ‘did you or did you not have any brain inside???’
Eeek!
For any math lovers, or anyone inerested, check this! Thought it was funny :) http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=17875068&blogID=341863693
Serenity,
I posted a message to you on the other ” check-in 5/4″ thread that had 192 messages, and now has 193! It’s hard to keep this 57-year-old brain on track some days.
Hi all, sorry in advance for this very heavy post.
For those who don’t know my story - my ex of 3 yrs and I broke up in March and I was NC from the day he moved his stuff out until this past Tuesday. On Monday night I felt so well along in my progress that I removed his number from my phone and his email from my address book. Then he called me Tuesday from the hospital, and told me yesterday that he has inoperable liver cancer that has spread to his lungs. While Cat had advised me not to get involved - for his sake, the sake of his family (whom I care about deeply), and the underlying friendship we started all this with, I have decided to be there for him as his friend. I feel that despite his confused choice to walk away and make plans to move, he is in his heart a good person who is terrified and needs support. He will almost certainly not live to see his 30th birthday.
I’d ask all of you who are struggling, please please do the relationship inventory (I did mine last week) and write that goodbye/forgiveness letter. Keep your NC, but also try to come to peace with all the things both in and out of your control. I don’t know how else I would have been prepared to participate in whatever life he has left as a friend if I had not done all this work and spent so much time learning here. I know I’ll now recycle in all kinds of bizarre ways, but I choose to do it. I am simply going to have to make sure I am still putting myself and my moving on first, and being there for him second.
Enjoy each day everyone….we never know how many more we have left. Please do NOT read this as a suggestion that you reach out to people to try to mend fences, but rather to do your work so that you can handle anything that comes your way. The odds of this situation were about a zillion to one, and I honestly thought I’d never speak to him again. And was ok with that.
I thank you for all the support you’ve provided me so far.
Newday,
Life seems to dealing a rather rough hand to you, doesn’t it. Please be good to yourself and keep posting here.
I’ve been reading this forum since Jan.. posted here once, and Susan advised me to take stock of myself and reject the guy who blamed me for his professional failures.
I stayed on NC for 4 DAYS and then, ignoring advice and common sense, ASKED him if he wanted to get back with me(my self-esteem was long dead when he swore at me). Predicatably, he said yes, we had a great Jan, Feb. Then in march he came to know he’d been rejected by this firm. So he starts off again…asks me to give him his life back…give him back the time he spent with me on phone(wasn’t I on phone too?)
Mayee, I can so relate to you cz I’m an Indian and my bf left his placement in UK to come back. He never discussed it with me, saying the placement was “optional”. Ofcourse, two years down the line, he is facing the professional implications. And me…I’ve become so lost and confused with him blaming me for EVERYTHING. I contacted his friends in UK to make him go back, but he said it was of no use.
I literally ran around the place, trying to keep him a bit cheerful…going with him for interviews, getting physical when i just DIDN’T WANT TO(cz he said its the only thing that makes him happy now). Looking back, it was wrong. To support someone is not to let him walk over you. If he wanted physical intimacy, I took it as a sign that he was finally coming back to me…that he would be loving and caring once again.
But the fights and blame continued. Something snapped inside me 3 weeks back. I don’t want to marry him. Yes, I dreamt of waking him up every morning. But I cant stand the rudeness and hurt. He texts me these emotional thingies…about what could have been. It melts me. I don’t want to go back to him. bcz I know that the blame would continue. I CANNOT forget how he pushed me around…how his insecurities and needs were all that mattered in our relationship.
Can anyone tell me what I should be telling myself?
Hi Mayee,
I too have been blamed for so many things during the entire course of my more than 5 years relationship..I noticed that my ex would also blame others for so many things (even little irritations), it was as if he always needed someone else to take the blame. It was horrible. I used to say “we are BOTH responsible for this” and he kept saying that it was 90% my responsibility as I (according to him) was picking up fights with him most of the time and so I was to blame. I heard accusations like “you ruin my life, you made my life like hell for 5 years” and stuff like that. This all was balanced (or not!) by an overly romantic approach on his side, dramatic and romantic gestures, stating how much he loves me (and I am sure that was the truth, but I think it was not a mature kind of love) and so I was on a roller coaster for a very long time. Fact is, I noticed that he does this as a general approach, he just tends to attack people quickly (he is very impulsive, verbally) and so his world was like “everyone else is to blame for whatever goes wrong”. He comes from a highly dysfunctional family (very different to my background) and I often felt so helpless as to what to do to CHANGE this dynamic in my relationship. I so much wanted to have the power to change it, but alas, I didnt. I finally had to face the fact that we have no future together (despite loving each other romantically, a lot) and so I decided 5,5 weeks ago to break up. It was kinda mutual, very emotionally loaded, we both cried.
Now I am on the road to recovery, trying to minimize contact (still some contact by text messages as we have a joint business together that I want to get out of as quickly as possible, but it will take some time still)
He also sent me an emotional message the other day and its VERY HARD to tolerate that.
I dont know what you should be saying to yourself, but breaking the cycle of blame and unhealthy dynamics is probably the best thing you could do. There is a posting about blame in this forum, I found it quite helpful. It is so very destructive to live in such a relationship. You know, I did not TAKE the blame (I am too stubborn for that), I responded by fighting with him but it was bad for me all the same, as it is just so much negative energy and it hurts you constantly, eats into your soul to be blamed for just about everything.
It is so damn unhealthy! Getting out of this is the best thing you could do. Be strong and hold on, you need to grieve the whole thing and then let it go. Dont let yourself be manipulated in such a way.
You have only one life!
Wishing you all the best….
I’m sorry, my post was meant for TJ!
Newday,
That is so awful, poor guy… and poor you… I feel really shocked and upset just reading what you wrote, I can’t imagine what you must be going through… I really feel for you and for him and for his family and friends etc… What a shocking turn of events. I’m going to take your advice about forgiving my ex, I think it’s really important because I do love him, and like your ex, he is a good person. I really admire you for choosing to be there for him, it’s an amazing thing to do… for the record I think I’d do exactly the same if I was in your position. Like you say, you need to put yourself and your needs first though, and him and his needs second… that’s the only way to make this situation “work” - you can only be there for him if you’re as strong as you can be within yourself. I really really feel for you and for him and for all family and friends concerned, it’s such a stark reminder of the unpredictability of life, we think we have it all mapped out and that we and others around us are going to live to a ripe old age, and then something like this happens. Please stay strong, and post here anytime you need support, I for one will be here for you. Take good care, my thoughts and prayers are with you and him and all involved… Love and big hugs. x x x
TJ,
I did all those things too. My X was facing a bit of professional setback and had his moral completely shot. I literally went to folks to see if they could give him another chance. I was perpetually afraid of pointing out his mistakes in case his confidence might slide down further. And that became a pattern. Me walking constantly on eggshells around him, not knowing when and what might set him off. He really was in pain, but the only expression of pain that he knew of was these rages… And I on some level was terrified of people being angry. So, pattern set.
Meanwhile though, I kept bringing my professional problems within the relationship. In the sense that, all the time, because of his setback, he had all the attention in the relationship. Not just attention but my unconditional support. I expected EXACTLY the same thing from him. I wasn’t ready to think that he might have a different way or different degree of helping me. And when I saw that he wasn’t willing to let attention go away from his pain, I just became obsessed about getting it. Without even realizing. And made career problems our relationship problems. Every time judging, will he pay attention to me now… So, obviously, he had his dance on eggshells around me.
Him being not really involved with my pains, and I being completely devoted to rid him of his pain, I let him walk all over me. I never took firm stand. You know, whenever I did try to take stand for my needs, he would be sooo angry…. This was his constant manipulation: “Are you going to force me to do something that I don’t want?” I, known to be a non-imposer even among casual friends, would obviously take my stand back, mellow it down, then plead and eventually beg.
Towards the end of the relationship, he really became worse. Blaming me for things that weren’t even related to me, acting downright rude, insulting me…When you wrote, ‘I CANNOT forget how his insecurities and needs that all mattered in our relationship’, believe me… I know how that feels. But like you said, it was our choice to let them walk all over us. And as Susan says, if you know something hurts, don’t do it. That choice will always hurt. So make a new choice. I couldn’t be sure from your post whether you have officially broken off or not. You said you snapped 3 weeks back and he is texting these emotional msgs to you. Makes me thing you did break-up. So, you have already made a new and GOOD choice.
As everyone here has advised, CHANGE THE PHONE NUMBER FIRST. Consider it to be the only step that you can take. Everything else lies beyond this step. Ensure NC. If you have a prepaid SIM without lifetime validity, don’t top-up/recharge for some time. Let it just expire and then get a new number. Imagine, when your number will be recycled, what a shock, you X would receive :)
As for what you should be telling yourself. How he behaved with you. How he used you (physical intimacy). How much he disrespected you. And tell these and all other things that come to mind in WRITING.
Secondly, you say, you have been reading this blog since Jan. Then read it again. Read on any topic. There are too many that rang true with me. Because many of those posts actually tell you what to do! And do those things. And DO NOT LET ANYONE PRESSURE YOU to get into relationship/marriage. Not until, you feel alright.
(As you see, I am assuming, you live in India. So just used some mobile jargon :) )
Newday,
So sorry to hear what has happened. I am so shocked; what awful news. You mind yourself while being there for him.
Take care
B
Newday,
have only now read what you had written. I feel very sorry, too. I can relate totally, that you want to be there for him. I think this is a new dimension that changes many things, so the question about NC is not relevant here. Cancer is tough, particularly in such a stage. For the one who has it and for the immediate family. They need support!
Wishing you lots of strength. And take care of yourself, too..
Greenroses & Mayee,
First f all, THANK YOU for talking to me =)
Yes he was immature…very immature infact…once called me in the middle of the night to say he is cutting himself up. I went hysterical, begged him not to do it. He threatened to hurt himself many times. Said since he cannot hurt me for not being there for him, he will hurt himself.
It sounds crazy now, but at that point of time I used to believe anything and everything he said. And then came the making up part…all those messages and mails. He has a way with words(as my now-unblocked head can see) and I have a weakness for these sweet “deep” words. WORDS. Thats all it was about. I read something on closure today-that helps you let go, so that you can start afresh. But I don’t want to let go yet. I want to blame him(in my head. NC) for a few more days, because I cant give him the kind of pain he gave me. He is too smart for that!!
Mayee, I once asked him “how can you think I don’t care for you?? That I’m not there for you? When haven’t I been there to be by your side?… taking your calls no-matter-what…and getting physical, which you know was a big deal for me”…he coolly replies “why do you bring your body in-between? I didnt use you bcz to use someone is to move on to another girl…blah”.
I was too stumped to reply to this mental logic.
What do you make out of that ?
TJ,
now that sounds really sick. I didnt realise it was THAT bad (calling to say he is cutting himself up).
However, I wouldnt even consider of giving any pain back or similar. Revenge is not good for you as it will ultimately make you unhappy. NC is best.
Hi guys…. wishing all the mom’s here a very Happy Mother’s Day!!
Weekends are always so hard….. I hate these constant thoughts of the ex. I kinda didn’t do much this weekend and mostly layed on my sofa the whole time…He’s on my mind alot…it’s been NC for 2.5 months almost. I wonder whether I’m on his mind too and then I try to bring the focus back to me. I miss him and ‘us’, but I also try not to forget how he treated me at the end and cheated on me to be with someone else. I know I’ve inched forward in many ways, but the thoughts of him haven’t gone. I don’t know if I’m supposed to use the ’stop’ technique ardently… (I had inbetween, but then sometimes I just let my thoughts flow…thinking that maybe after the processing I’ll come out stronger and will be able to let the thoughts behind…but there is some recycling all the time).
Anyway…. this week I’ll continue to read the books I ordered and I do have to come up a way to stop the thoughts. I think I might have to start meditating though it’s so hard to keep the mind in control. I do have to work on discipline in many areas… I’m getting better, but not quite there yet.
Greenroses, Mayee and TJ… I went through most of your postings…. sorry to hear all that you guys are going through….I’ve been through a few similar things… it’s hard, but going NC helps you focus on yourself and maintain dignity and respect…. it’s hard, but it’s worth it. I’m still going through pain, but breaking NC won’t bring me good…so try to stay focussed on a different future… it might not be bright and beautiful right now (mine doesn’t look that way … it’s been 5 months since the break up….but I’m kind of sticking on keeping the faith! And I wish that you guys feel the same too)
Wishing you luck and strength….
Take care,
Anna
Hope you’re all doing ok today. I’m about to sit down and start writing my forgiveness/goodbye letter to my ex (but won’t post it of course)…
Newday, I hope you’re doing ok today mate. Keep smiling if you can,
Much love xxxxx
Sunshine, Beatrice, Mayee, Greenroses and all….thanks so much for the support and caring. It seems to get a bit better every day. Sunshine, I’m glad you decided to write that letter. :) There’s a smile right there. xo
TJ, get Codependent No More by Beattie as soon as you can and read it. It’s pretty uplifting, but it does point out stuff that many of us do when we are in an unhealthy relationship supporting bananahead behavior.
I also suggest that as soon as you decide to totally get out, to change your contact numbers as was suggested, and get Susan Anderson’s book and the Grief Recovery Handbook (and start your work on both of these). The books are all to the right on Susan’s book list.