I also suggest that as soon as you decide to totally get out, to change your contact numbers as was suggested, and get Susan Anderson’s book and the Grief Recovery Handbook (and start your work on both of these). The books are all to the right on Susan’s book list.

Newday, I hope you’re doing ok today mate. Keep smiling if you can,

Much love xxxxx

Weekends are always so hard….. I hate these constant thoughts of the ex. I kinda didn’t do much this weekend and mostly layed on my sofa the whole time…He’s on my mind alot…it’s been NC for 2.5 months almost. I wonder whether I’m on his mind too and then I try to bring the focus back to me. I miss him and ‘us’, but I also try not to forget how he treated me at the end and cheated on me to be with someone else. I know I’ve inched forward in many ways, but the thoughts of him haven’t gone. I don’t know if I’m supposed to use the ’stop’ technique ardently… (I had inbetween, but then sometimes I just let my thoughts flow…thinking that maybe after the processing I’ll come out stronger and will be able to let the thoughts behind…but there is some recycling all the time).

Anyway…. this week I’ll continue to read the books I ordered and I do have to come up a way to stop the thoughts. I think I might have to start meditating though it’s so hard to keep the mind in control. I do have to work on discipline in many areas… I’m getting better, but not quite there yet.

Greenroses, Mayee and TJ… I went through most of your postings…. sorry to hear all that you guys are going through….I’ve been through a few similar things… it’s hard, but going NC helps you focus on yourself and maintain dignity and respect…. it’s hard, but it’s worth it. I’m still going through pain, but breaking NC won’t bring me good…so try to stay focussed on a different future… it might not be bright and beautiful right now (mine doesn’t look that way … it’s been 5 months since the break up….but I’m kind of sticking on keeping the faith! And I wish that you guys feel the same too)

Wishing you luck and strength….

Take care,
Anna

now that sounds really sick. I didnt realise it was THAT bad (calling to say he is cutting himself up).

However, I wouldnt even consider of giving any pain back or similar. Revenge is not good for you as it will ultimately make you unhappy. NC is best.

First f all, THANK YOU for talking to me =)

Yes he was immature…very immature infact…once called me in the middle of the night to say he is cutting himself up. I went hysterical, begged him not to do it. He threatened to hurt himself many times. Said since he cannot hurt me for not being there for him, he will hurt himself.

It sounds crazy now, but at that point of time I used to believe anything and everything he said. And then came the making up part…all those messages and mails. He has a way with words(as my now-unblocked head can see) and I have a weakness for these sweet “deep” words. WORDS. Thats all it was about. I read something on closure today-that helps you let go, so that you can start afresh. But I don’t want to let go yet. I want to blame him(in my head. NC) for a few more days, because I cant give him the kind of pain he gave me. He is too smart for that!!

Mayee, I once asked him “how can you think I don’t care for you?? That I’m not there for you? When haven’t I been there to be by your side?… taking your calls no-matter-what…and getting physical, which you know was a big deal for me”…he coolly replies “why do you bring your body in-between? I didnt use you bcz to use someone is to move on to another girl…blah”.

I was too stumped to reply to this mental logic.
What do you make out of that ?

have only now read what you had written. I feel very sorry, too. I can relate totally, that you want to be there for him. I think this is a new dimension that changes many things, so the question about NC is not relevant here. Cancer is tough, particularly in such a stage. For the one who has it and for the immediate family. They need support!

Wishing you lots of strength. And take care of yourself, too..

I did all those things too. My X was facing a bit of professional setback and had his moral completely shot. I literally went to folks to see if they could give him another chance. I was perpetually afraid of pointing out his mistakes in case his confidence might slide down further. And that became a pattern. Me walking constantly on eggshells around him, not knowing when and what might set him off. He really was in pain, but the only expression of pain that he knew of was these rages… And I on some level was terrified of people being angry. So, pattern set.

Meanwhile though, I kept bringing my professional problems within the relationship. In the sense that, all the time, because of his setback, he had all the attention in the relationship. Not just attention but my unconditional support. I expected EXACTLY the same thing from him. I wasn’t ready to think that he might have a different way or different degree of helping me. And when I saw that he wasn’t willing to let attention go away from his pain, I just became obsessed about getting it. Without even realizing. And made career problems our relationship problems. Every time judging, will he pay attention to me now… So, obviously, he had his dance on eggshells around me.

Him being not really involved with my pains, and I being completely devoted to rid him of his pain, I let him walk all over me. I never took firm stand. You know, whenever I did try to take stand for my needs, he would be sooo angry…. This was his constant manipulation: “Are you going to force me to do something that I don’t want?” I, known to be a non-imposer even among casual friends, would obviously take my stand back, mellow it down, then plead and eventually beg.

Towards the end of the relationship, he really became worse. Blaming me for things that weren’t even related to me, acting downright rude, insulting me…When you wrote, ‘I CANNOT forget how his insecurities and needs that all mattered in our relationship’, believe me… I know how that feels. But like you said, it was our choice to let them walk all over us. And as Susan says, if you know something hurts, don’t do it. That choice will always hurt. So make a new choice. I couldn’t be sure from your post whether you have officially broken off or not. You said you snapped 3 weeks back and he is texting these emotional msgs to you. Makes me thing you did break-up. So, you have already made a new and GOOD choice.

As everyone here has advised, CHANGE THE PHONE NUMBER FIRST. Consider it to be the only step that you can take. Everything else lies beyond this step. Ensure NC. If you have a prepaid SIM without lifetime validity, don’t top-up/recharge for some time. Let it just expire and then get a new number. Imagine, when your number will be recycled, what a shock, you X would receive :)

As for what you should be telling yourself. How he behaved with you. How he used you (physical intimacy). How much he disrespected you. And tell these and all other things that come to mind in WRITING.

Secondly, you say, you have been reading this blog since Jan. Then read it again. Read on any topic. There are too many that rang true with me. Because many of those posts actually tell you what to do! And do those things. And DO NOT LET ANYONE PRESSURE YOU to get into relationship/marriage. Not until, you feel alright.

(As you see, I am assuming, you live in India. So just used some mobile jargon :) )

That is so awful, poor guy… and poor you… I feel really shocked and upset just reading what you wrote, I can’t imagine what you must be going through… I really feel for you and for him and for his family and friends etc… What a shocking turn of events. I’m going to take your advice about forgiving my ex, I think it’s really important because I do love him, and like your ex, he is a good person. I really admire you for choosing to be there for him, it’s an amazing thing to do… for the record I think I’d do exactly the same if I was in your position. Like you say, you need to put yourself and your needs first though, and him and his needs second… that’s the only way to make this situation “work” - you can only be there for him if you’re as strong as you can be within yourself. I really really feel for you and for him and for all family and friends concerned, it’s such a stark reminder of the unpredictability of life, we think we have it all mapped out and that we and others around us are going to live to a ripe old age, and then something like this happens. Please stay strong, and post here anytime you need support, I for one will be here for you. Take good care, my thoughts and prayers are with you and him and all involved… Love and big hugs. x x x