Check In Thread 5/4
May 5, 2008 by susangpyp
This week’s check in thread. How is everyone doing????? Feel free to respond to, continue, last week’s thread on here.
May 5, 2008 by susangpyp
This week’s check in thread. How is everyone doing????? Feel free to respond to, continue, last week’s thread on here.
Abby: (answering her last post on the last checkin thread)
I went through something similar to what you are going through and described it in this post:
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/04/01/when-do-you-know-youre-ready-to-date-again/
It takes a while. What you’re feeling is NORMAL!!! It’s tough tough tough to separate the “he’s wrong” from “I’m missing my ex” right now. You’re instincts are a little off the mark. Take it SLOW SLOW SLOW and see how it goes. If it’s not right, say goodbye, but if it’s just some normal “new dating and missing the familiarity of the ex” and that is the only thing not right, take a little time with it. And be good to Abby!!!
i saw my ex yesterday. he wanted to meet up to talk. it has been 3 months since i saw him (the break-up) and 1 month of total NC until he contacted me a few weeks ago. i had some things going on–including the GRE (which i did OK on…didnt do as well as i wanted, but got what i needed). so i told him we could meet, after much deliberation, but not now. my reason for meeting him was to give him that ‘2nd chance’—so see what he wanted/hear him express his feelings ,etc
so long story short, we met at a park, talked. i let him lead the conversation. we did digress and talk about what we’ve both been up to but i wasnt that interested—i wanted to know what he wanted!
so he goes on to ask me how i’ve been and how i’ve handled the break-up. i said i was doing ok, etc….spending time with friends and talking to family. he siad the first part of the break-up wasnt as hard and what he’s been going through lately. he misses me.
throughout the hour we just talk…and i waited and waited and waited to hear him say he wanted to make things work…but he didnt! after an hour or so…we’re just sitting there and finally i asked if he siad everytihng he needed to say…and he said Yes. still, i wanted to hear what i wanted to hear. but we get up to leave and we just look at eachother and i said to him “so you’re really going to do this again”….”leave”. and he asked me if he was making a big mistake…and i said i couldnt tell him that. i never asked to make things work—b/c it wasnt up to me. but i did give him that last chance…by looking at him in the eye towards the end and told him i’ve been waiting and waiting all afternoon to hear him say he wanted to make tihngs work and he didn’t. he said he was sorrry…and i said ok–thats fine..i have to go to now. and i walked away fast w.o turning back. when i walked away i heard running footsteps….i really think i did!…but it wasnt him. no phone calls…no running after me. he let me walk out of his life…for the SECOND time!
and that’s it. i hate saying this—but he really is a confused person (that’s my excuse for him and i feel sorry for him). with his job, he’s living at home..so much uncertainty. i told him that. i told him that at least i am happy b/c i know what i want out of life—i know what makes me happy and it doesnt seem like he does. and he agreed with me.
he can have doubts about his job, continuing education, etc….but his friends and family (and i!) would be there for him. it’s ok to have those doubts…but not about eachother.
so i am devastated. i know i was supposed to go in there prepared for all outcomes. i dont regret meeting him b/c now i know the door is closed shut with a lock on. there is no sliver of a crack open for hope. it’s over. and that is something i have to work through. all the memories of our past have been flashing through my head. it’s hard!
back to journaling. im not starting at square 1…but am set back. but now i know i HAVE to move on.
it’s just hard :( not sure what else to write here…but that’s my update. i have to re-read Susan’s post “when he doesnt love you anymore”
he chose NOTHING over me!
sorry to hear that kalo. he missed you and wanted to see you without any thought to what that might do to you. im sure there is someone much better out there for you. youre right youre not back at step one and you will get through this. stay close to here.
thanks rama. i could sense the sadness in his eyes. it would have been so easy for him to say he wanted to make things work b/c he missed me. so in a small way, i think he did an honorable thing to not say what would have been so easy—that he wanted to get back together. b/c he still had doubts. i dont think he really gave me any more answers. in his email when he broke contact…he siad he thinks he has a better udnerstanding of what was going through his head at the time.
but i dont have a clearer picture of what happened. i guess he just isnt ready to commit to me…or anyone.
it hurts so bad. we really had a great relationship. we traveled the world together. our parents loved the other.
everyone was just shocked—and he even said he couldnt really explain what happened.
sigh! my heart hurts so much. but i am proud of myself for not brekaing down when i saw him. there were tears..but nothing i couldnt handle and contain. no sobbing or begging..:)
Kalo,
Sorry to hear about what happened…. but I guess it’s just the next step in the process… All these days you were also confused and weren’t able to completely focus on moving on because of the push and pull of emotions etc., however unfortunately or fortunately you know that this is not the person for you and you must look ahead. It is hard and it will hurt. I’m doing two months of NC and I think of the ex everyday…weekends are the hardest…I still feel very bad for the way he up and left and can’t understand how or why.
Stay strong….try to go complete NC (even in thought)…. the memories will keep coming back, but only time can help fade those bit by bit.
Take care,
Anna
kalo:
From what I have read here, you did just fine. While, I think that meeting up with him would have been painful no matter what the outcome, I DO think you are much better off. I know, it is the last thing you’d like to hear. But I can tell you from experience with people who have no direction - THEY ARE DANGEROUS.
People who do not know what they want move about from person to person, trying to create a life they cannot picture for themselves. They are random folks with the ability to pick up and leave at a moment’s notice. Just as you have experienced, they can walk out of your life (more than once) and walk back in if the whim hits them.
You sould like you have plenty of direction, kalo. There’s no reason why you cannot, in the future, attract someone who has their stuff together. As you already know, this is now YOUR time, to work on you. Do the things that you want to do and that make you happy. They will give you even more direction than you already have and a person who has the same drive, aspirations and dreams will be attracted to that.
Again, from personal experience, I can tell you that my EX-husband had absolutely NO desire to move out of the town he grew up in, or get a college degree, or live in a nice house. He had NO dreams. I guess he thought he could just live off of the people he cons, I don’t know. In any event, nothing will change for him. He has no direction and no purpose.
Looking back now, that would have never worked in the long run for me. We would have been divorced even if he had not found a lover. He simply has no concept of goals and interests…he does not want to experience the world. Those type of people(closed off) must be left to their own devices. They will either figure themselves out and carve out a life or NOT…but now you have the wonderful opportunity to continue on with your education and heighten your success. It’s no longer about him, and now you can start anew. You sound like a truly great person and I can tell you that he might not know what he wants, but it’s his loss that he doesn’t see how fabulous you are! I’m glad you shared your exprience with us.
Kalo,
I am happy to hear that your GRE’s wasn’t a complete wash! A big hug for you! I am sorry to hear of you feeling devastated all over again, though. You are moving on with your life, going to continue your education, making something happen for yourself and have taken the bull by the horns, and in comparison looks like your exy-poo has not =( But that’s his problem. Not yours.
Whatever I have learned these past years is that you cannot allow yourself to take another person’s inability to love and care for you personally. It is not you he is NOT choosing, but something else that he cannot provide from his own self. For whatever its worth, I hope you do not leave that situation and take from it a renewed sense of rejection. You have so much going on for yourself! He is choosing confusion over potential happiness and support or not trying to choose at all… he is confused and annoyingly complex. The solution for you is simple. You’re a star. He’s a dud. Keep on keepin’ on!
What’s GRE? I think I need a GPYP acronym dictionary.
Graduate Record Examination. Not a GPYP acronym. :)
Hes choosing not to choose. Hes deciding not to decide. Some people are really okay with going through life like that and theyll get melodramtic and wistful about it. like poor me, Im so lost and alone.
There are reasons for that buddy. There are reasons for that.
Wake up and smell the coffee.
There are payoffs to being continuously confused. No ability to commit or decide or make a choice and have to deal with the consequences of that choice. Sad but it works for them.
Exactly what Rama said! “confusion” = no responsibility= no risk = no loss, and no gain. It’s a mediocre way of living. Its not even lose/lose. Just mediocre, apathetic, dull, boring. Meh. There are lots of (healthy man-up) risk taking hotties in grad school!!! I’ll be starting next year myself ;) Good luck to you Kalo.
Anna,
I hope it gets better for you. Hang in there. *Hugs*
Yesterday was day 60 of NC for me. By NC, I mean no lurking his myspace or emails. It is 10x easier to not know what he is doing than it was seeing how well he was doing.
Jenny
Thanks Heather and Anna,
It’s just hard right now to face but I know I can do it b/c i already did. We broke it off end of January and I started NC in March (before we were emailing on and off about logistical stuff…then i just said No More). so i know i can be strong and move on.
this is just another harsh reality. it hurts so much that the person i loved so much didnt love me back the way i deserved.
when we met, it really looked like my ex was trying really hard to overcome his doubts. it really looked and seemed like he wanted to say he wanted to make things work—but he knew in the end that those doubts were still there. so i guess it was honorable of him to not say he wnated to make things work b/c of his doubts…he said agian he didnt know what was a reasonable amount. i guess to say that means it is enough doubt.
i never got to say good-bye to his family and now it’s just too late. he did say that his mom asked if she should contact me…and i guess he said it probably wasnt a good idea.
so here i go again. i just wish i knew what is ok. like should i let my mind ‘recycle’ or should i force myself to NOT think about our last and the fun times we had? it’s hard. since i know it’s truely over…all the memories are flashing before my eyes. :( :( :(
thanks for the support. this blog will help me through.
and he does have goals—i mean he is a successful and smart person. he just doesnt know job, but deep down he just wants to be a teacher and live overseas. it’s like he has 2 totally different personalities. i was talking to my friend about it and she said it is really up to him to make/shape his future. if he is uncertian about his job..he can do something about it!
so it’s not like he doesnt have goals….he does. he just doenst know what he wants out of life right now.
arggg. i will get through this! it’s hard being strng all the time. i feel like it cna just so easy to crumple down and just sob and feel helpless. i’ve done that in the past…where i cant be strong…i cant take the pain and i just call him and beg. but no more. i just feel like i could be on the verge of just crumbling…but hopefully not begging!
the good thing about today–the weather is beautiful!
thank you Jenny, mels and Rama! there will be lots of risk-taking hotties in grad school! :)
i have to rememeber that pain and disappointment are all a part of life. i cant wait for the day that i can look back adn this experience nad be ok with it….to realize that i have found something way more fulfilling.
thanks for everyone’s support!
Hello. I have a problem of my own right now. My ex and I broke up last fall. I went NC with him for about two months, and then I started to respond to his feeler emails… He and I started to talk again a little after six months of our break up. He said that he couldn’t get me off of his mind, missed me, everything else seemed bland, etc…
Flattering!
We finally met in April after seven months of not seeing each other. It must have been my most fertile period in my cycle (it was), because I really really liked what I saw, he liked what he saw, and we ended up sleeping together. And it felt great.
I had a really hard time during our breakup because I really bought into the “forever” part of our relationship talk. I don’t commit easily, but when I do, I stick it out. My father brought me up on stories of Prince Caspian ever since I could remember. I committed myself to the relationship and a month later he breaks up with me after months of trying to persuade me to stay in and that it was making him weary to “not know where he stands.” So I thought long and hard, and felt that in spite of the problems that we were having, with love and kindness and mutual support, we could make it work. So I committed, finally. He wasn’t abusive, I wasn’t abusive, we were just having a hard time getting along. He liked Diet Mountain Dew. I thought that was putting crap into your body. I am immersed into the esoteric and yoga, he plays video games and eats meat. My libido is that of a fourteen year old boy’s, his, that of an ailing eighty year old grandmother…
He went vegetarian and started to take pills for his ailing libido. He’s young, barely thirty, so it was most likely due to the stress of his divorce (his ex-wife most likely emasculated him by cheating on him numerous times)… who knows. (Now, he is all cured and better and ready to get into bed anytime).
To make a short story long, when I dated him, I was helping him pick up the pieces of his trauma and there he was amazed that I was willing to do all of that without any “payment” or hidden m.o. So well, the more we hung out the more insecure he was getting about himself. I know, weird. He should have been happy to have such support and amazingness ;) But he felt like he didn’t deserve it, that he wasn’t sexual enough for me, adventurous enough, etc… It was sometimes so ugly. It’s rare enough to give love freely, but when the person you are giving it to rejects it and throws it back, well, that’s the toughest thing in the world. You can’t give love to someone who is unable to receive it I guess. But I tried. I really did. And then he breaks it off with me. I was astounded. And shocked. And hurt beyond compare. And the way he went about it was by making plans to have dinner with a girl from his past that he had a crush on. It was a terrible intimacy leak. Terrible for me. I of course was not going to sit around and wait to be disrespected, so I left. It was what he wanted in any case. He was too much of a wuss to man up and break it off himself.
I spent the fall really licking my wounds. And feeling sorry for myself. Trying to put two feet in front of the other, and finally by January I was tired of tripping and falling on my face, so I learned to put just one foot in front of the other and started to walk again. I have done SO much work on myself. I haven’t dated anyone, done anything compromising, and was waiting to give myself at least six months before I started back on the market. At least till I felt sexy and vivacious and alive to myself again. And at the end of March that is exactly how I felt! And I get a sad email from my ex. So I call him. And he tells me that he can’t get me out of his mind… I am strong and able to reach out a hand to him.
Flattery….
We all know what happened. So fast forward to now. He has not done any work on himself theses seven months. He went to the Islands with a woman from his work not even a month after we were broken up. I know, his prerogative. And then a few weeks after that started a relationship with another girl he had just met and took her on a cruise that his parents bought for him (and for me) and made sure his holidays were not spent alone. When he was done with his girls and done knocking on his ex-wife’s door (yes the one that screwed him over) at the end of February, he was able to tell me that “I just can’t get you out of my mind…”
Hahahaha!!! I’m such a dufus. He waited to tell me about the Island getaway, and the next girl he took on the cruise he so easily replaced me with, (they didn’t end up working out because she was bland, boring, and had too many “issues”), after a few weeks of us hanging out in April where I got to be comfortable with him again and was seriously considering his offer of making a go of second time around for us.
I am having a hard time processing all of this right now. I know a part of me is coming off a bit glib here, but believe you me, I am feeling really wounded and injured. That cruise was something special for us. I couldn’t believe he took some strange girl on a cruise to meet his parents. I haven’t even met his parents! And his trip to Aruba. He waited to tell me about that till I was comfortable with him and made grand gestures of wanting to make things work. I am feeling a little bit manipulated. And now I don’t think I want to make it work with someone who can so easily fall into bed after bed and not have made any progress on mourning or personal grief work. It’s lazy and dangerous. He used these girls to get over me like he used me to get over his ex-wife. The only difference though is that I am one in a million, and not a simple rebound, he knows that, realizes his mistake and wants to make amends. Which is honorable, but being evasive about his whereabouts, (apparently he was afraid that I would “take a hike” if I found out how soon after the break up all this happened so he kept it from me), when he knew all of my whereabouts and allowed me to think that he was in the same place as me. That he is forcing me to commit to an ideal when I didn’t have all of the pieces initially just seems wrong. I want to scream sometimes and just tell him to grow a pair.
He doesn’t seem to get why I need time and space right now from him. I just don’t trust him I guess and I need to reflect on what I need and to pick up my momentum again and push forth into having the best summer ever. I am not sure what the next step is. I am attached to him but I am also placing one foot out the door. Irrational or not, I am feeling so torn up about these new revelations. Maybe with time I can see that they are meaningless and forgive him for his distractions or realize that I want a loving and powerful man that sees my value and is willing to fight to keep it from ever souring. Because that’s what I would do.
Kudos, Jenny!! Yeah!!!!! :)
It’s the end of another semester and academic year
for me–I love the beginning of summer break!
Lots of finals to grade and other busy work to do, but
so much else going on in my life as well.
I had an amazing weekend. My future sister-in-law adopted
a beautiful little girl (1 1/2) for whom she has been a foster mother for the past year or so. There were 30 of us, friends and family, in that little courtroom and it was JOYFUL.
My fiance put his house on the market and by the end of
the first day/open house yesterday, had 5 offers. He
sold it before 6:00 p.m. for 10% over the asking price!!
We’re still letting that soak in–aren’t we supposed to
be a really bad housing market?!
I am going to Seattle later this week to meet one of
my fiance’s daughters who is pregnant with her first
child. I’m so excited!
My kids, 17 and 19, have grown quite fond of my fiance
and have given us their blessing to get married. They
trust and respect him. My daughter says he’s “sooo
normal” :) and my son thinks he’s a great guy, even
kind of cool, for an “old” guy. ;) Our plan is to fly to
Vegas on July 28 to get “hitched” and have a celebration
with friends and family the following weekend back home.
Susan and others have talked about their good, healthy relationships: no drama, no meanness, no crying/hurt
feelings, no centering your entire life around that
one person, no substance abuse, no sneaking, no
lying, etc. That is exactly how it is when
it is good and right. So peaceful. So “normal”.
For the past few weeks I have been doing some volunteer
work that is very special to me: through a local relief
agency, I am helping a Cuban refugee family make the
transition into their new life in the U.S. INSPIRING.
I am going overseas in a few weeks to finalize the details
of a trip I will take with my students over winter break.
They will take an intense language course and
we will do volunteer work in an area of great need. I
have been mentally formulating this type of study
abroad program for a few years now, and this year
it will become a reality. This is very fulfilling.
I am working on a paper proposal that I hope will be
accepted to read at a conference next year, where I
would be able to meet/catch up with some old grad
school buddies of mine.
I’ve been able to catch up with a couple of close
friends who have been as busy as I have–I was
missing them and reconnecting has been like
filling my tank. We always see more of each other
in the summer, so I look forward to that.
I’m a work in progress and always will be,
so I’m still also journaling, reading and setting
new personal goals. I still have to remind myself
now and then to stay on track with my best self-care
and not let that lose its priority status when life
gets so busy.
Mels,
It sounds like you are dealing with an issue that I am dealing with: not giving up. Believe me, knowing WHEN and WHY to give up is an important lesson I am DETERMINED to learn, because the consequences of not doing so *suck big time*.
You need to be with someone who can match you on your ideals and your honesty. Of course no one is perfect, but why would you choose someone from another planet? You want someone to rely on, who’s loyal, trustworthy…the proverbial Eagle Scout…
Is this the guy?
Of course you don’t trust him. If a girlfriend was telling you this story– and just take your story, change the names and destinations– what would you think of this guy? Could you get all the actors in this scenario and go on Jerry Springer, as Rebecca’s said she’s felt like?
What are your roles in the relationship? Can you please separate what he is SAYING from what he is DOING?
Have you read about the Karpman Drama Triangle?
I think biological brain chemistry and codependence issues are SERIOUSLY MESSING WITH YOUR HEAD.
Been there. Done that. Still fighting with the remainders. You’re caught in a tarbaby.
And Mels, his not understanding that you need time…! OMG
You don’t need time to reconsider getting into his narcissistic entitled revolving-door soap opera, where you’re a high-paid guest star constantly dropped-
You need time to buy a ticket to BUH-Bye and NC.
Kathy,
Lovely! Wonderful! Best news I’ve heard all day!
OK, here’s my check in.
Lots of roiling emotions. Not doing my affirmations or journaling as I should. No good excuses. Still having problems with:
Accept It.
Grieve It.
Move On.
I have to do some self-talk on the first step! It’s been many, many months. And I gave almost all my power away to a very messed-up individual who knew how to talk the talk. And I was naive and didn’t see him lurching over my boundaries. The grief I was in made me extremely vulnerable to seduction. And then I went and made him ‘family’ in my head, my number one person before me, the person I helped (not me), the only real friend (I had so much work…it was easy).
So, I’ve decided to physically move on. And then I’ll be in a better place to heal. But that’s a lot of stress to add…and why I didn’t do it months back. Wish me luck.
Serenity,
I hear you and I can relate. Been there, done that
(more than once!).
Have you done all the work you need to do surrounding the
grief you were in the middle of when your last ex came into
the picture? If your last relationship pulled you away from the
work of finishing that grieving process, perhaps getting
stuck on your breakup from him is providing a similar
distraction from that. You seem very clear about who
the recent ex was and you’re not still pining for him,
yet you talk about the recent breakup more than other
losses, it seems. So maybe it’s about that unfinished grieving
from way back and maybe that is what you should put most
of your energy into???
What was going on for you when you made him your
“family”? Is there something about family that
you need to “accept, grieve and move on” from?
You seem like an incredible person with a really great
life to live–you are so deserving of the wonderful life
and happiness that are waiting for you to grab them!
Thanks Kathy. There is so much grief to work through, that it’ll be a while before I’m there. But good to remind me of it. I keep on expecting this breakup to be like others where I may have had to deal for a while, but never so much for so long.
I got real news of my ex for the first time in 5-6 months. The one mutual friend I felt comfortable staying in close touch with - because she was never really close to my ex and therefore didn’t have to “choose” between us - was just exploding with indignation when I saw her yesterday.
Apparently my ex was flabbergasted when I went NC. It now comes out that he has done this to all his other girlfriends - and they’ve all ultimately begged him to come back. So he can’t grasp that I want nothing to do with him.
All she could tell me was that she is SO happy I walked away and didn’t look back, because he has become more and more openly selfish with relationships and friends. She is glad to see me free of him, hates that her boyfriend is still friends with him, and says that all of his friends deeply respect me for walking away from him and refusing to pretend that his cheating was Ok.
The whole thing makes me feel a little vindicated. He really does seem to be digging his own grave in the end. It also makes me relieved to know that I did the right thing in walking away and not looking back.
I have a lot of feelings to process about this information. I’m also hurt and frustrated that my ex continues to be a wedge between me and the friends I made while we were together. The loss of those friends irks me far more than losing my ex at this point, because we all had SO much fun together. It’s a group of people I really felt at home with, which is VERY rare for me.
Anyway, that’s my check-in.
Toodles!
Here are some good quotes from Randy Pausch’s lecture at Carnegie Mellon (it’s about achieving your childhood dreams– his book is out in bookstores now too–and he’s been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer).
On his friend who gives great advice:
“Syl said, it took me a long time but I’ve finally figured it out. When it comes to men that are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do. It’s that simple. It’s that easy. And I thought back tomy bachelor days and I said, damn.”
On achieving dreams and brick walls: “Don’t bail. The best of the gold’s at the bottom of barrels of crap.”
If you google his name, you can find his homepage and watch the lecture. The book is a good read too.
it’s so true. love in an action—not about what you say, but about what you do.
although hearing “i love you” is nice too!
Checking in.
Seem to be in recycling mode. I had been complete NC for on month exactly since the break-up when I came to know about X’s engagement through a mutual friend. Friend and I have talked 2/3 times since then. First time, I made her tell me everything. Second time, we just abused him. Third time was to discuss the logistics of separating my stuff/lease/other legal things.
What’s bothering me again is to think that he cheated. Or did he? When the friend and I talked for the first time after she gave me the news, we figured out the timeline. It seems, while I was still under the impression that we are trying to make it work, he was getting attracted to this girl. That is, for about a month or so before the official breakup he was hanging with her (known fact). She had fight with her the then boyfriend about 4 days before we broke up (known fact). Apparently that fight was their breakup. To me it seems, X and this girl started dating immediately. That is about 4 days before we broke off. And to get the attraction so intense that he was engaged to her within a week of breaking up with me, I think there MUST be something going on before the breakup.
That would be cheating. And just because I don’t know the exact sequence, I don’t even know whether he cheated or not. I am not really obsessed about it, it’s just that… if I can’t be sure, nobody else will ever even know about it…(I know, I know, I know…)
I feel he cheated. I can’t even grasp the concept.. On the other hand, he did break it off the moment other girl became available. Which is equally despicable, because he waited for the other ship to be ready until jumping this one. Didn’t have enough guts to do that earlier.
So today, that has been the dominant thought, did he cheat or did he not? The fact that he got engaged so soon is hurting me. I am just wondering, if that’s what’s clouding my mind and I FEEL cheated rather than him actually cheating. But then to get that intense attraction, to sleep with her when he told me he wanted to wait until marriage, there must be something going on earlier. His behavior during that month was so distant, so indifferent as if he wanted ME to break it off… But that’s digressing…Anyway.
Am I just TRYING to find out the reason to hate him? It’s like, whatever he has done during 5 years is not enough because he always used to tell me it’s all in MY head. It’s like I need something so concrete to throw at his face that he would never be able to wiggle out of that one. Or if not throw at his face, then at least to let people know what kind of character he is… I did make mistakes during those 5 years. I did behave unhealthily. I do feel now that I should have done better. And it’s this guilt of my wrongs that’s making me need another concrete reason. Where I wouldn’t be at fault AT ALL.
So… does the timeline really say he cheated or I am bent on making it so?
spend the weekend reading the book Smart women/Foolish choices…took notes…enjoyed a few outings with gal pals…feeling fab…live your life in the moment… a quote I read..How to be at peace now? by making peace with the present moment. The present moment is the field on which the game of life happens. It cannot happen anywhere else…
Serenity… Carnegie Mellon?? That’s my alma mater until Sept 2006. How are you related to CMU?
kalo,
Good to know that GRE is behind you now. But will you go for fall semester now or spring semester? About meeting your X. I keep wondering how would it be to meet my X now. And everytime I even conjure up the scene, I always think, he would be just sad and won’t be doing anything proactive… I can very well place myself in your scene and it probably wouldn’t be different. Well.. I should realize that him moving on means there WON’T be a scene like that. But I feel for you…
You say, love is not just words, it’s action. My X hardly bothered to show it in action so I really wanted the words at the least. Guess what, he is not ‘good with words’… So I neither got the words nor the action…I really like to hear words… Anyone has hardly ever said them to me. I should watch myself I guess, I could be setting myself up for some other bad relationship if I get caught in words…
I recently came to know through that mutual friend that X’s engagement is not viewed nicely by his closest friends as well. He didn’t even tell them about it. It made me feel better, like you Rebecca. But whole of April month has been some kind of breaking NC. I have not contacted X in all these weeks AT ALL. But NC is broken in a way. Because I have talked to the mutual friend about it. Separating has been going on. I go looking up online to find some hints about what people think about it. I thought knowing what his close friends think would give me some kind of relief, whatever they would think. Knowing that they didn’t take it nicely is just making me hungry to know more.
So… it will be complete NC from now on…I really hope I mean it. No talking about him to mutual friends, no looking up online for hints… I mean it. I mean it. I mean it…
Mayee,
I found myself in a similar kind of trap after my last breakup,
spinning about whether or not he cheated, how often, and
other things I suspected him of being capable of. I finally
just settled on believing that he had done all of the those
things because I needed to STOP spinning. It worked for me.
Deciding to just believe my suspicions were
true, whether they were or not,
was like making a decision to go with my gut. Like,
“here’s my best guess, I’m gonna go with that and
put this piece of it to rest for now.” And I did
stop spinning shortly thereafter.
Months later I wondered again, in passing, if some of that
may have been my imagination. It mattered absolutely
ZILCH by then, though. Because by then I had decided that
I couldn’t and wouldn’t ever be with anyone who seemed
even remotely capable of the crap I suspected him of.
Mayee,
I asked my X if he cheated or if there was something else that swayed his interest. he siad not even close…and i believe it. it’s just hard b/c EVERYONE i talk to, whether they knew the ex or not, made me feel like maybe there was someone else.
it was so hard seeing him. in all honesty, it was nice to see him, but still weird. like i siad, we started chatting about normal things–how work was going, who we were hanging out with these days,. what’s new…and of course i wanted to know more…but then i stopped caring…i wanted to know what was going on!
i didnt meet him to catch up.
now as i think over our meeting, i get a little angry—that he really didnt have any intentions. i didnt get much out of meeting him. not even a better udnerstanding of his feelings.
he is just a confused guy. and i have to keep remember that i dont need to be with someone so unsure of his life—or me! a person who didnt see me as a constant.
it’s hard b/c i gave him everything . he even acknowledged that i did a lot to make him happy.
i told him everything…i opened up to him about everythig. he never really opened up to me.
i just dont know how much to grieve…this is like doing it all over agian in a sense…but this time i know i cna do it….b/c i alreayd did…for the past 3 months.
this time–i just know that after time alone…he still was unsure!
maybe he will be unsure for a long time…who knows.
i deserve true LOVE. mayee and everyone else—we all do!
Oh yes, you deserve SO MUCH BETTER, kalo.
I am angry at your X. Partly because I see my X in him. Doing the similar things that is. Partly because it seems to me that he lied. He led you believe that he now had better understanding of his own feelings/thoughts which he was going to tell you. And he did the same thing that he did before. Be confused, be indecisive and leave. Again. In the process, you got hurt again…
To give everything to make him happy… That’s where we lost our boundaries, didn’t we. Did your X acknowledge this DURING the relationship? Or do you think, it was just you going NC that somehow made him realize? Because, my X NEVER EVER acknowledged that I did things for him. He used to get bouts of anger about the unfairness done to him. And I used to talk him through. I used to watch his anger getting down and his confidence building up. Watch it on his face. And eventually he would smile and peck me to thank me. But then when we had been fighting before the end, what does he say? “There is no one in the world who can do anything to boost my confidence, only I have to do it myself. I always did it myself”. It really shattered me then. I don’t think he would ever acknowledge what I have done for him.
And at least for now, it doesn’t matter to me.
Btw, please take care during grad school. My relationship and gradschool coincided. Gradschool is tough as it is. In the sense that there are bound to be disappointments when your work doesn’t go as you want. But knowing that you are already going through a process that’s going to make you tough, I think I can safely say, you will do great in gradschool :) And you too Mel! Good luck!
Kalo - Congratulations on getting through the GRE. What a breath of fresh air to not have that hanging over your head, huh?
My check-in: I’m 2 weeks total NC, with almost 4 months in all. Two weeks ago I left him a message saying, “if you really want to be my ‘friend’, then stay out of my life.” And, to his credit, he has. So, instead of being happy with that, I’d been torturing myself with “I guess that means he’s moved on totally…he must be with someone else by now…” Which, maybe he has, and as someone wrote in a recent blog comment, that is his right. As it is mine. It’s also my right to move on and be happy.
I have a magnet that says, “Always Make New Mistakes!” And I think that is where I am right now.
Also, while cleaning my room this weekend I re-discovered my journals from the past 8 years. I’m not a consistent journaler, so I was glad to see that I did a lot of writing during my other major breakup. The feelings I wrote about then apply again now, only to breaking with someone else. What have I learned from that? I’ve learned that I’ve been through it before and come out better. Now I’m going through it again, and will come out much better, again!
Yesterday I went to support some friends in our local marathon. I ended up running the last 6 miles along with my friend “in support” (even though my friend left me in her dust). Even though I maybe shouldn’t have because I hadn’t registered or paid to be there, I crossed the finished line. All the people cheering me on, even though I wasn’t technically supposed to be there, made it so worth it.
(**Note to real marathoners**This was an accredited marathon, but by the time I was running people were dispersed and I made sure to get ouf of the way of people with numbers. I did not want to mess anyone else up. :) )
Sappy as it is, it reminded me of the support I find on this site. I might not have ‘registered’ for this breakup, therefore I’m not technically supposed to be here…but all of you cheering me on make it worth it. It makes me know I can cross the finish line eventually and feel great about myself.
High fives to all of us. We totally rock.
Mayee,
I read, maybe in Anderson’s book, that when you give away all of yourself, and then you lose that person, of course it is a crisis! Standing on our heads to make someone else happy…
My X would also not acknowledge most of the helpful things I did for him…It was always best for his ego if I were one-down, I think.
But the creeping up to the crisis is where the real tragedy was for a lot of us. Not maintaining our boundaries and taking care of ourselves, not knowing whose problem was whose, and not leaving when we were in an unhealthy relationship. It would’ve been nice if we had left, but we didn’t, and the silver lining of that is that if we learn our lessons we won’t go on to choose someone even worse and hit a worse bottom-of-the-well.
So much of this stuff comes from original parental relationships, as Kathy so gently reminded me earlier. If you’ve done your life inventory, you probably have some ideas. Personally I think you may be going overboard on your definition of NC- I would suggest that you go on talking and journaling about what happened to get it out of your system; but I would recommend making it talk about the past and only follow your OWN present/ not his.
Hondo,
Sounds good!
How’s the life inventory?
:D
anyone live in the DC area?
Serenity:
Thanks for the karpman drama triangle bit- I looked it and up and wow! Sheesh. Thanks for the fish.
Also, I LOVED Randy Pausch’s lecture. When I first saw it months ago, I sent it to everyone I knew. He is amazing.
And thanks for everything else. We are likely going through similar things. I think I made the mistake of looking at my progress as strength and in reality re-connecting with him has caused me to lose my balance and I feel weak and vulnerable to the chaos that was relationship again. Sigh. Back to the drawing board. I hope at least this time it will not be such an uphill climb to get back to my self as it has been these past six months. Good luck to you. Of all the Christian saints, St. Francis is my favorite. (I am a Buddhist, so I am not trying to bring in religion here). And animals are deeply cherished in my heart, and his serenity prayer is just beautiful. “God grant me the strength to change the things I can change, the courage to accept that which I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference.” This wisdom is what, I believe, the both of us are feverishly praying for; I shall keep you in my thoughts as I meditate to get back to my center. Here is to wisdom and love and change and handsome eagle scouts!! Here’s a hug too. I have exams now to study for! Ugh.
kalo: you should go to the June seminar and maybe there are people coming from there. there were people from dc in the one I went to and I think the one in March (?) is that right?
Serenity and everyone else that may have watched Pausch’s lecture, here is a TED talks on creativity that is AWESOME:
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/66
Enjoy! And have a terrific Monday.
Kalo:
I live about two hours outside of D.C.
Kathy:
Congratulations!!!!!! That is so inspiring! Kudos to you =) I hope to be where you are one day.
Serenity - I’m well into the Relationship Inventory…getting some pretty good insight. Haven’t done the Life Inventory yet. (Operative word = YET). Will get to it. Thanks for keeping me honest!
Kalo - I’m not in DC but I have some friends that are. If you want to meet new people…they’re all bright, ambitious, and fun-loving!
I’m treating myself to a 90 mt massage tonight. I’d been looking for a good reason, and the soreness after the Almost-1/4-Marathon yesterday is reason enough!
my mom will be in town (from overseas) in June and i cant afford the registration fee at this time. it sounds great though!
being with my mom will be a good therapy. i havent seen her in 1.5 years. you know the saying–mom knows best.
she was concerned when my ex and i moved in together. she said to listen to her and i didnt.
when i was going through the break–she told me to forget about him…that he isnt the one for me…to move on (she really liked my Ex too…in a way, i thought she might say the opposite and say things will be ok…we can work it out..but she totally didnt..she didnt even want me to meet him).
so i am hoping that maybe she will actually be right this time.
that i will find someone who will love and respect me. that my ex was not the one for me.
trust the process!
Hondo Lane–a massage sounds lovely…and you totally deserve it!
you should consider signing up for a mathathon!!!
are any of your friends good-looking, nice, singe guys? ;)
I have started NC with my ex. I’ve changed my phone number, stopped reading her blog, stopped posting to mine, and I haven’t called or e-mailed her.
Today she sent me an e-mail asking me to watch her cat for 10 days while she goes visits her girlfriend that she left me for.
I so want to reply to her e-mail but I know I shouldn’t.
Rhonda
you can simply say no and leave it at that. no more no less just no.
Rhonda,
Sometimes silence really is golden. ;)
Kalo - I’m considering doing the relay in next year’s marathon. That way I get a medal! (I basically ran the last leg of the relay this time…) And my good friend currently is in a relationship, but he’s 29 and very social. He would definitely have to have some single friends. He and most of his friends are into internat’l politics, the world in general, having fun, playing sports, having fun…and having a good time. They’re good people.
Rhonda - Here’s my email to your ex:
“The cats are a YP(your problem), not an MP (my problem). Toodles!”
mels,
Thank you–and, YOU WILL BE!!
wow—she has some nerve asking favors from you!
what do you want to reply to the email? if you want to do NC, then don’t email her back…or if you email…tell her to not contact you anymore.
haha i like Hondo’s email reply!
if you ever come to visit DC…we should get a drink or coffee or something!
I want to do No Contact. I don’t think her e-mail even deserves an answer. She is so selfish and self-centered!
Hello all….its been 4.5 months since break-up. I see him (and the new gf daily since we all work together). Since Xmas, I have lost 43 pounds and this weekend I went out and purchased some new clothes for myself. Went grocery shopping for the first time in 4 months (serious grocery shopping to replenish shelves, staples, etc.). This was HUGE for me cuz I haven’t really cared about any of this for months.
Went to dinner with friends Friday nite, drove over the border to Canada on Saturday and visited with other friends there and Sunday had a few friends over to the house.
This is all big stuff for me given that I haven’t even had the energy to think about doing these kinds of things let alone actually engaging in social activities.
Did think about the ex daily but I didn’t obsess all day…didn’t have the time since my mind was elsewhere engaged. Did see him today at work, I was pleasant and went about my business. Two other co-workers commented (in front of him) about how great I looked and that I seemed more fit and happier than they have seen me………feather in my cap!
So, this weekend was good and so has been today!
good for you Nese! i hope you are staying healthy though! 43 pounds is A LOT of weight to lose!
i need to buy some new clothes. i was with my ex for 4 years so everything i have is the ‘old’ me. i want to start new. get some new clothes to really signify a change! and a good excuse for new clothes! :)
Nese, that’s great!!!!
mels,
Make this quote (of yours) your mantra, it’s the best thing
you said today about your situation:
“[...]I want a loving and powerful man that sees my value and is willing to fight to keep it from ever souring. Because that’s what I would do.”
You will find that man when YOU see your value.
Your interest in your completely unavailable and self-centered
ex is evidence that you are not valuing yourself (enough).
Why is that?
Nese:
Good for you! Must feel great to feel good again!
Jenny
After 3 months I broke NC today for whatever reason and it is the worst feeling in the world as I know she won’t return my call.
I feel so bad about myself and my confidence is at an all time low. For anyone who even remotely thinks about breaking NC, don’t do it. There is absolutely nothing on the other side.
I’m sorry, Michael. It does hurt.
Just remember: those 3 months are yours to keep! Everything you learned, every insight you had, every loss grieved, every triumph felt, every confidence built, every bit of self-esteem acquired IS still in your NC account.
It didn’t leak out or evaporate. You made those deposits, and, unless you’ve made some withdrawals, it should all be there. Waiting for you. To support you, again.
Think of it as just peeking at the old bonds in the safety deposit box. Now you know how much more valuable the new NC account is: sometimes we have to look back in order to look forward.
Thanks for having the courage to share this. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
Trust that there are many of us who have done the same…but perhaps couldn’t be so out front about it.
Hey all, wow so much here I don’t know how to address all of you and how well so many of you are doing.
Kalo, congrats on the GRE. And although I know it was hard I want to thank you for sharing what happened with your meeting b/c it has made me realize that yours and mine are in the exact same spot in their heads and if I do ever hear from mine any time soon (NC for about 6 weeks now) I just KNOW it would be the exact same conversation and leave me feeling the same way. He was not sure, not ready, needs to do other things in life, etc. No amount of me being great and caring and whatever could change that. He asked me in our last conversation what if he looked back in a few months and realized he made a big mistake. I said, well - then you made a big mistake. What else is there to say to that? 6 weeks of this has given me the same feeling you have that he’s two different guys in one - two guys with a lot of conflict. The thing that’s sad for me, and I think you pointed to this as well, is that one day he WILL be ready to make a commitment, and it will be to someone else. The finality is hard, huh? But also I’m happy to be finally accepting it.
Mayee, I’ve wondered too if there was cheating. We’ll never know for sure, and it doesn’t matter. You sound so much better and I’m glad you continue to make progress.
‘Nese - you go!! It’s funny, I relate so much to your situation as well as Kalo’s and we are all along the age spectrum. Funny how some things are common no matter where you are in life.
Rebecca, same deal here. Abrupt NC seemed to come as a shock and has apparently resulted in lying to other people about how things ended b/c the truth and why I made the NC decision would make him look bad.
Serenity, stay strong. You are very wise.
Newday is up and down, but getting there. Sick to death of the same thought patterns so am trying to break them. I’m glad all this happened in the spring - when life sort of starts anew and there are no major holidays, etc, to grapple with!
Best to all of you.
seeif-
thank you very much for your encouragement. You are right, I did the work, and I’ve been able to slowly move forward. Reaching out and contacting really made me regress backwards, unfortunately, but I am finding myself on the right track again.
Sometimes i really wonder if i’m moving on. I feel that at times, i’m escaping from how i truly feel. Like for example, if i know that its gonna hurt me if i saw her or answer her calls, i will avoid her in school and at work. I will also try to leave my phone at my home to avoid seeing her calls. If i missed her or thought of her, i will force myself to stop thinking of her by doing other things. But is that the right way to do? Is that the right way to move on? Or am i just escaping from how i’m really feeling cause i’m afraid of the pain? I keep forcing myself to not think of her but at times when i could not help myself or when i saw her, the bad feelings just came back to me. It makes me wonder if i’m on the right track to move on. NC is so far so good though… i did not break it ever since…
Staying NC dosen’t guarantee any type of happiness. All it does is keep you moving forward, despite how slow it may be. Seriously, whatever you do don’t break NC. It dosen’t lead to anywhere, and if anything will catapult you backwards.
Boy oh Boy! All the things I am not supposed to do..that’s me, draining away my whole energy…all my steps forward are now BACK! Even if it’s just a moment in time.. Although, can this be rehabilitating? I wonder. My ex and I share children, and although it’s been nine months apart, we have always been in contact. Lately it’s alot of why did this happen…you hurt me…can’t you see you hurt me…don’t you feel remorse….how could you do this to me and the kids. how can you live with yourself…..just going back and forth and sorting details…not getting answers, but rummaging through all the crap. My ex left me for another woman and has moved in with her. He left me and the 3 kids…bang…that was it? So obviously I have alot going on and trying to deal with it all while he lives his merry little life. Or so he says! Anyway, the point of my story is all of you are saying no contact ….can’t go there…etc…I have had no choice because of the kids and because our legal matters are not settled. We sometimes get into some fights but most of it for me is crying and grieving and getting it all off my chest. He listens, doesn’t contribute much…tries to blame me here and there, even though that I know it’s not the truth. I have a good cry, get angry and feel like it was good therapy afterwards. I know it’s probably not healthy but I feel refreshed after my good cry and getting all my feelings off my chest. Is this normal? Maybe because I see him suffer a little bit? Maybe because I see a hint of remorse? I ask him why he did it - not the affair - but moving so quickly forward with the girlfriend and his reply was - I thought if the kids saw me happy it would rub off on them - And then I get angry with his stupid comments…and rage to myself…cry some more and then feel ..okay tommorrow’s another day…move on…cried lots, got it off my chest - feel better…I can breathe. Is this normal? Am I setting myself up for disaster. From doing all of this, I also realize what a bananahead he really is and how selfish he really is….so in the end I’ve cried and feel better. I continue forward, heal have a great time…and a few weeks later have a good cry again…sometimes it might be a month…sometimes a few more weeks…hopefully months will come around more and more….Can someone give me soem hindsight…Am I a glutten for punishment? Am I just abusing myself? I don’t feel that way? I just feel like by talkign to him, I can pour my heart out and have a good cry and let it all out. Just wondering how healthy and normal this is?
Mels,
Thanks for your well wishes…… hope it gets better for you too.
Esprit,
All I can say is, don’t cry your heart out TO him. Cry BY YOURSELF. Not in front of him. Especially nothing of ‘how you could do this’, ‘don’t you have any remorse’… That’s what I went through from Sept 07 till the end (Feb 08). ALL I wanted was for him to GET what I am saying, what I needed for him to say. His only response to such things was wall himself up and blame me for the same things. I wanted him to feel remorse about something painful he did to me and he never had any. I wanted him to appreciate the compromise I made for him and his only response was, ‘well, what else could you have done?’.
We fought for 6 months before it ended. And he NEVER GOT WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY. All through this, I was weepy, crying to him, crying to a friend (I was confiding in only one friend) and crying by myself. And NOT FEELING ANY BETTER.
If what I have read here has gotten through the stone that I call my head, then it seems to me, you are grieving alright. Cry until your eyes can’t see anything if you want, but DO NOT CRY in front of him. It always used to lower my self esteem. The bull-$#@$ he is feeding you for moving on is just that, bull-$#@$. He will blame you whenever he can to justify himself as well as to justify his moving on. My X eventually started blaming me on things that were not even RELATED TO ME! It was his attempt to make the exit as dignified for him and as bad for me as possible.
If you continue to wrestle with him in the blame game, YOU will end up hurting more. Because: 1. He will never take up responsibility for his behavior, so he will never think of himself in the wrong. 2. Smallest amount of blame from the person you loved once is a terrible hurt, so he can blame you only once in a while and still end up hurting you more. DO NOT give him satisfaction of how much control he can have over you.
Please, do not make him a part of your grieving process… Oy… I don’t know if I am writing to you, Esprit, or to myself… But I think it applies to your situation anyway.
Michael,
I read your post about breaking NC. I haven’t broken the direct NC for more than 2 months. But meanwhile I kept getting info ABOUT him through a mutual friend. It was bad as it is.
I wonder… Did you read the “Have your built-in forgetter removed” post? Now I am sure that it applies to breaking NC as well. Or maybe this was covered in that post, but don’t remember. I guess, you break NC once, you hurt, you stay NC again and then you forget the hurt. So you break NC again. Is that what happens?
What’s the urge to break NC? For me, since the break-up, there have been lots of emotions running through my mind. Since the news of his cheating, they are even more rampant. But the dominant emotion is betrayal (betrayed my trust) and disgust. So, fortunately, even though there have been a flickering wish to break NC, it hasn’t become an urge. What’s your dominant emotion?
Mayee-
Thanks for reading my post. I guess my reason overall is that I have been having dreams about her lately. It has been running in my mind and it has been driving me crazy, esp when I wake up in the morning and find out none of it is real.
I have been seeing a councelor which has been helping, but part of my problem is that these dreams I have been having seem so real.
Also too, when I was with my ex, I was happy, I truely was and my life was great. While things are getting better they aren’t good or nearly as good as they were with my ex.
My ex always had something great and fun going on in her life, and there was nothing that made me happier than sharing those moments with her. It has been hard adjusting to my current situation which I have been doing very gradually.
I guess I long for the happiness that I had in my life when my ex was in it too.
Esprit,
Not sure what to say to you. In the end, we all must decide what works for us. If you can grieve by processing with your ex — and you feel better, then that’s what is true for you.
I think NC has worked for me because it forced me to experience my new reality: that my ex was gone and my relationship no longer existed. I think maintaining contact with my ex shortly after our breakup fed into my illusion that it wasn’t really over.
And since it was over, and I was now on my own — or no longer in a couple — I could really experience how it felt to lose someone I had these hopes and dreams with. It became more real: the relationship was dead and, effectively, my ex was dead to me. NC allowed me to say goodbye with all that goodbyes bring to our spirits, to our souls.
It was very painful but I found that I could move through the pain, as a single person, and survive. Besides allowing me to grieve the good and the bad in the relationship, it allowed me to do it in my own time and in my own way. I got empathy and understanding from people, like the people posting here, who really could support me. I could focus on the loss without the constant conflict of wanting my ex I would have wanted if we’d remained in contact.
Also, a big thing for me was not being tormented by the added feeling of rejection which I experienced when my ex told me(with great cheer) he was dating someone new, 2 months after we’d ended our relationship.
In Susan’s Mourning Theory(on the gpyp blog menu) she quotes Kubler-Ross about grieving. Kubler-Ross says that we can either experience grief as an “open healing wound or a closed festering wound” and that we can either express our feelings ” appropriately or inappropriately”, but that “emotions will be expressed…”
What I took from that was I could either exercise some control over the grieving process by going NC, or be batted about by the tornado of grief that would come from intermittent contact with my ex.
I chose the former. But, again, I’m single and so is my ex. And, he lives a thousand miles away. So, the universe and circumstance supported me — in a big way — to make the choice of NC.
NC is neither right nor wrong. It’s really about helping you get through this with the least amount of suffering. Pain is probably inevitable in this loss stuff, but suffering is more of a choice — it seems to me.
I wanted to suffer less, and I believe NC helped me do that.
Thanks for your post. Other parents may be able to share more about NC, and how it worked — or didn’t work for them.
Take care.
Seeif
I don’t really post on this site, but I’ve been reading it daily since my break-up in November. My ex betrayed me and left me (but there’s no need to go into that).
I am a STRONG believer in NC. In early February, I asked my ex to give me space and not contact me. Since we are both part of a very small queer community, and we live within 5 blocks of each other, it is impossible to go NC completely. Whenever I do run into her, she talks about how much she misses me and how happy she is to be near me(etc etc).
Here’s the issue I need help with:
Since going NC in February, I have had increased anxiety about running into her. I am terrified of running into her. TERRIFIED. I am afraid seeing her will cause me to go back to square one, and I’m nervous about potentially seeing her with someone new. I ran into her last Thursday, and we talked briefly. It was an okay experience because I was with some very close friends (that used to be mutual friends), and I ended up calling her Saturday. We talked for two hours about whether or not we could ever be friends. Of course, it’s something she really wants. I was very clear about why I didn’t think that could happen (using all my best GPYP talk). After talking to her I felt realy sad. In our conversation there was a point I was still hoping she would want to get back together, which makes me dissapointed in myself.
I would cut her out of my life completely, but I can’t. And, NC is causing insane anxiety about the potential for seeing her. After being in contact with her on Saturday, that anxiety is non-existant (although I had emotional stuff to work through after talking to her). Should I try to make it work as a friend since NC is making me so anxious?
I don’t really know how to explain all of it, but I was wondering if anyone else is in a similar balancing act? I should just stay away from her, right?
Rats! My massage didn’t happen…but my good friends and I had an impromptu Cinco de Mayo party instead! Yea for good friends who help you “keep on keepin’ on”!
Esprit,
All your feelings, and the one step forward-two steps back, are perfectly normal, so don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s OK to feel what you feel. Necessary, in fact. I didn’t have children to consider, so I know that must be a million times harder. Susan talks about this, how you can modify NC and just keep to discussions about the kids, maybe arrange for a weekly call or e-mail, but keep it restricted to that as much as you can. This is not just another rule to hurt yourself with, but a way to try to protect yourself a bit while you’re at your most vulnerable. It feels so natural to go to him to try to figure it all out, but he doesn’t have the answers you’re looking for. Cry, talk to trusted friends and family, journal, do the relationship inventory, and come here, where we’ve all been through something similar. But the hard thing to accept is that he will never be able to give you closure—you’ll come to that on your own. As Susan said someone once told her, “You are a woman of grace and dignity.” Just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other and do the hard work of grieving what you’ve lost. Things will slowly change. YOU will. And someday you’ll be ready to let love find you again. The real thing. You have to get through the hard stuff first, which sucks, but you can do it. You deserve to be happy with someone who can love you back.
‘Nese,
I’m so glad for you. You sound so much better!
Michael,
Seeif’s right. You’ve learned so much. You’re not back to square one, so just keep going with what you know. You’ll be OK.
Martha Beck writes about this time of feeling lost:
“Look up.
No matter how clouded, sunblind, or terrified of the dark you may be, your Stargazer self is always gazing calmly at your destiny. Follow it forward expecting to break things—rules, conventions, precedents, your own vulnerable heart—but knowing that you’ll heal strong. The strength itself, the joy of finding it, using it, testing it, and feeling it grow, is the purpose of the whole adventure….
One night in Africa, I watched the full moon rise huge and orange over the savannah. Giraffes walked in front of it like movie stars. A leopard huffed somewhere. One of the men in our group said he was afraid to look up; the stars were so bright he felt he was falling into them. ‘It makes me think too much,’ he said, sounding genuinely scared. I know what he meant. If you see the stars too clearly, they make demands of you, throw out rude, intrusive questions. The poet Mary Oliver did this in one of her poems, brazenly asking, ‘Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your own wild and precious life?’
If you’re afraid you’ve come to this question too late, you are wrong. Ask your Stargazer self. It will tell you what my fallen-noble friend Marianna told me in one of my darker hours: that the world is re-created in every instant of time, and this moment is always your life’s beginning. No matter how many years have been stolen from you by your own ignorance, by cruel fate, or by the acts of others, you have a clean, broad slate before you. In this instant—this one now—you can begin steering by starlight, and if you do, the rest of creation will conspire to guide, teach, and help you.”
Sending love to you tonight, and to anyone out there who’s struggling. I know I doesn’t feel like it possibly can, but it does get better. Just give it a little more time.
“Oy… I don’t know if I am writing to you, Esprit, or to myself…” Mayee, you’re writing to all of us. And thank you. You’re a great person and one day soon somebody quite wonderful will see that and be so glad to have you in his life. It’s only a matter of time.
Michael,
So it’s the vivid dreams about your ex that are being troublesome. Maybe you should journal about the dreams or talk to the counselor if you already haven’t done so. I mean, it might be important WHAT goes on in those dreams. If, in dreams, there is some way in which YOU control the situation, then you are actually moving on, aren’t you. I am obviously no expert on dreams, but I think, in this type traumatic situation, it’s our brain’s way of rearranging the furniture so to speak. In the dreams, you could be talking about insignificant things like say, a lampshade. And she could be saying how much she likes it. And you could be saying again and again, you don’t like it. I would take it as you desire to have your say. It’s a very simplified, random example, but I hope you understand my point.
So please, journal the dreams and talk to your counselor about their contents.
Thanks everyone for your insight…One good cry, one good nite on GPYP and I feel better all ready…
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Such a simple little prayer with so much meaning….
Newday,
Thanks for sharing. We’re all here for eachother. It is unfortunate to think that these guys—our ex’s will (hopefully for them) come to a day when they are ready for a commitment and we arent there–we’ve long moved on. But we have to keep believeing that life comes to a full circle–whatever the exact saying is. That when and IF the ex ever becomes ready for a commitment, that we’ll be long gone and have found ourselves and what makes us happy.
Everything in the universe has to be aligned. So we have to keep from thinking…if the timing was just right—we’d be together. It isn’t just the timing…it has to be everything. Things happen for a reason and in due time we’ll see that.
I was out with friends tonight and felt ok—the thoughts that ran through my head are that…yes, I do miss him and our time together…but at least (I think) my mind knows that we arent together. Like i already know/understand/accept that I wont see him at home or anytime soon.
What is hard to accept is that he will forever be my past! :/
It’s been awhile since posting.
Bought a house with my ex fiance (we were together for 7 years) and less than a year later we broke up. He stayed in the house 5mths after we broke up and it was mentally, emotionally draining.
Yesterday, we listed the house for sale.
I was hopeful and ready to move forward with this process since I am still living and maintaining this house by myself. Also, of course, it is another step to severing any ties to the ex.
I had mixed emotions about finally listing the house . First, it was ‘about flipping time!- let’s get this chapter closed’ but after we signed and the ex and I went our separate ways, I felt overwhelmed with ‘ I am really going to sell this house on my own’ ‘he is not going to help in any way’ ‘ I am going to have to deal with total strangers coming into my ’space’ and judge my house’.
It is frustrating and sad. I feel like he decided to move on and leave this life we were building behind and I have to clean up the mess.
I have been in limbo of officially moving on with my life due to the house. Keeping focused and positive, I see that with the house on the market now, I am moving forward and pushing towards a full life that is my own without any connections with the ex.
While the ‘garbage is leaving’ I am adding activities (ballroom dancing, traveling, painting etc..) in my life which has been fun.
Sometimes pushing forward and having the energy to do so, is very tiring. I have faith that all will be better at the end of this.
Thanks for reading …
WorkingOnIt,
I’m glad to hear from you! Your new activities sound great!
The house is on the market–yeah!! I think it feels like he
moved on and left you to clean up the mess because he DID.
He went off to have fun like Peter Pan, while you stayed back
to deal with the shared property. Your chooser was broken
with that one, but you are almost completely free of the
legal connection (house) and you have used all of this time
to work on the emotional liberation from him/the relationship.
Definitely keep the faith! I’m keeping my fingers crossed
that you will have quick sale! However that goes, keep
taking really good care of yourself–you are worth it!!
Hi all,
Just wondering if any of you could advise … saw an alternative doctor recently who advised me to see a counsellor/therapist. Recommended two she knew, said great references etc. I don’t which to choose, one is male and highly qualified, the other female but not as well qualififed at all. I’d normally always choose the female as most of my issues are relationship-based and I’d be worried I wouldn’t be comfortable with a male - but if he’s better qualified …? What do ye think? Not many options around where I am
Thanks so much!
B
Alex,
You should definitely stick with NC. You might feel “better” after talking to her right after the fact, but ultimately it will make you feel a lot worse. It’s a quick fix. You have many reasons for not wanting to see and talk to her, which I believe is your gut speaking. Listen to it.
I have a similar problem in that I broke up with my ex in early fall, and he works within 10 minutes from where I work. He’s been trying to be in my life and I’ve been continuing to ignore him, but it always sets me back a bit. I, too, have anxiety about bumping into him on the street.
But the thing is, even if I do see him, I know the shock of it will still be a lot easier to handle than a prolonged “friendship.” In my eyes, it’s by far the lesser of evils. And I think the same applies to you.
Stick with NC–you’re doing a great job. It will all get easier, slowly but surely.
Beatrice,
Go with what makes you feel more comfortable. Or you can try one and if it doesnt work out—try the other.
I also thought I’d prefer a female therapist and I went to her and she was great. But I’d also be open to seeing a male therapist b.c I’m sure he can providea different perspective. But I totally resonate with you about wanting to see a female…if you get all emotional or whatever.
But they are professionals…so it’s not like the female will be more comforting than the male.
Can you check their Web sites? Or check out their recommendations, referal pages, etc?
Alex,
I think we take back our power and focus on our own recovery
when we go NC. One of many beneficial outcomes of doing that
is reduced anxiety. You might feel anxious about it at first,
but once you get over the initial hump, it is liberating and healing to make that choice for yourself. If we are ever to be friends
with an ex, it’s not likely to be healthy or real or beneficial to
us until we’ve had our time apart to heal and put our new
life dreams and goals into practice.
Hi Kathy,
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.
What I find hilarious in this house selling process is that the ex actually stated that since it was my money (that was invested), he doesn’t feel like he should not have a say in the decision making ( of selling agents, assisting with what/how the house should be fixed up etc…) - he said he doesn’t want to overstep any of my decisions - so he leaves it up to me. He says this with a sincere look on his face and tone.
Is that not a cop out?! Does he really believe that is a logical, upstanding thought?
Yes, it was my money invested but, both parties were making decisions, both signed the documentation and free to add any input. Now, that he no longer lives here and we are broken up, he thinks that excludes him from seeing this through?
Am I listening/looking at his statement/actions right?
As I write this, a voice says to me ‘of course!, he is completely removed from this ‘old life’ - you live here and are living it. He doesn’t have to deal with it anymore. Who would want to come back to a life they chose to leave behind?’.
I still don’t fully trust myself with big decisions since choosing him as a partner went so sour. Now, with all these major decisions to make on my own during this breakup , continuing on and creating my life is becoming difficult.
Any advice?
PS I work from home so, the isolation from co-workers doesn’t help.
On my last post, that smiley face should not be there - must of been the characters I was using to extend the senctence
WorkingOnIt,
We live in the same area (I met you at the seminar) so if you ever want to meet up for coffee or to talk, feel free to get my email from Susan. I don’t want to post it on the blog since it’s my full name.
Thanks.