Being Good to Yourself

‘Nese asked about being good to yourself and what that entails so here it is. Most of this is elsewhere on the blog and also some of this is from some of the seminar materials, but I thought I’d repost it here.

The first thing to commit to in this process is to be good to yourself. Sometimes after a breakup you might feel worthless and unlovable.

Throughout this process it is important to affirm that you are worthwhile and lovable. It’s important to affirm every day. It’s also important to be good to yourself in this process and to do nice things for yourself.

It is important to end each day with a positive entry in your journal where you give yourself credit for doing the work and getting through another day. The introspection is difficult and you must give yourself credit, each and every day, for doing the work and staying committed to the process. Constantly reaffirm that you are doing the right thing.

The grief process is hard and it hurts. Keeping a daily journal and doing a Relationship Inventory is hard work. Putting yourself out there in groups and finding things to do is a lot of work. You not only have to care for yourself as you’re doing this rigorous work, but you have to give yourself credit for doing it.

Taking Care of Your Physical Self

Your emotional self is going through a tough time, one of the best things to do for yourself at this time is to take care of your physical self. It is so important to make sure that you do not allow yourself to disintegrate at this time.

The first thing to do is eat right. After a breakup people either don’t eat right or don’t eat at all. Nutrition is very important. If you cannot stomach the thought of food, try protein drinks or meal replacement drinks. Make sure you take vitamins and supplements. If you are diving into food as a comfort, stop. Avoid sugar and fat. If you are absolutely driven to comfort foods, try to get the healthiest form you can such as no-sugar ice cream or try things like oatmeal with no-sugar sweeteners and low fat milk. Try a baked potato with some strips of chicken and low fat cheese in the microwave.

Get enough sleep. After a breakup people will sleep too much or tool little. If you are not sleeping, talk to your doctor. If you are sleeping too much, try to sleep less each day. Journal about why you are not sleeping or why you are sleeping too much.

Exercise. After a breakup people often feel as if they don’t have the stamina to exercise. It’s easier to crawl into a ball and hope the world goes awy. But exercise is good not only for your body but also for your mind. Keeping yourself active releases endorphins which are naturally occurring “feel good” hormones. The other nice benefit of exercise is looking your best. You want to look your best and feel your best and exercise puts you there.

Don’t drink or take drugs. These will just numb the pain and stall you having to deal with it. They are temporary panceas that do not work in the long run.

Taking care of your body at this time will go a long way to getting you through this breakup. Being physically tough will help you to be emotionally and mentally tough. Eat right, exercise, get plenty of sleep and avoid putting toxic things into your body.

The “Date” Night

There has to be a payoff for that hard work, but you also have to get used to doing nice things for yourself. That is why it is absolutely essential that you spend one night each week with yourself. You and you alone.

One of the most therapeutic things you can do is take the time and make the effort to spend time with you. It is critical that you begin to know yourself and value yourself. The way to do that is to begin to spend time alone, doing nice things for yourself.

The way to solidify this commitment to yourself is to set a time, once a week that you have you all to yourself. You must have a “date night” at least one night a week with yourself. You can do a night or a weekend morning or whatever you want but try to set aside four or five hours once or twice a week for uninterrupted time with you that you have planned out and given some thought to.

Many times after a breakup we might feel that our life is a big, boring nothing. We romanticize the past and hate all the deadly silence.

It’s not silence. It’s peace. And in order to be healthy you need to learn to make peace with the peace. Not only will this help your healing now but it will help you in the future. You will learn to not tolerate drama and chaos anymore. You will understand the sanctuary of aloneness. You will not fear being alone, you will have learned to bask in it.

So spend time each week in uninterrupted solitude. Learn to make peace with the peace. Learn to enjoy your sanctuary.

Turn off the phone and the computer and anything else which will allow someone to get in touch with you. Time with you means time with you. absolutely uninterrupted. Even if you’re going to the mall or to a restaurant, leave the phone home or in the car. Stop being so dependent on it. Learn to make peace with the peace and quiet.

Learn to have some time where you are unreachable. It makes live much more enjoyable when you are not at everyone’s beck and call and they don’t expect you to be. Remember: a ringing phone is a REQUEST, not a DEMAND. Don’t be there all the time for everyone. You must have time when you are UNREACHABLE so that YOU can recharge and replenish your own body, mind and soul.

If you have children, do it after they go to bed or on the weekends before they get up. But do it and do it consistently, week in and week out, plan something that you enjoy. A few suggestions might be:

• Take yourself shopping.
• Buy a new book.
• Take a bubble bath.
• Go to a movie or rent a movie.
• Play a rousing game of golf, pool, basketball or raquetball.
• Take a long bike ride.
• Deep condition your hair.
• Get a massage.
• Get your nails done.
• Take yourself to dinner.
• Sit in the park and read a book.
• Go for a long walk along a scenic path.
• Take out your camera out and shoot photos.

Do something once or twice a week that says, “I care about me and I am worth it.” Even if you spend one of your “date” night with friends to do something enjoyable, spend another night or day alone with you. If you can take yourself out to dinner with a good book or to the movies and dinner later, do that or rent a comedy at home. BE GOOD TO YOU!

When this was first suggested to me, I had a hard time doing it. I hadn’t catered to myself or spent time with myself in the years I was married and when I first started, I felt guilty.

But I learned to pick a night and just do it. Every Thursday night, after I put my kids to bed, I would take a long bubble bath and deep condition my hair. I would follow with a hot shower and then put on a pair of very cozy pajamas and climb into bed with a good book (nothing recovery-related!).

At first it was really hard to relax. But after a few weeks, I not only started to look forward to it, but I started to shop for it. At first I could only “splurge” on some nice, scented bath salts, but after a while I started to buy expensive conditioner, then designer pajamas, and finally luxurious sheets, pillows and down comforters. When I was married to my first husband, I would not have DREAMED of getting myself heavy count sheets or down comforters. Now I have down comforters all over my house. Nothing less!

As I added to my repertoire, I would truly begin to feel pampered and each week I could not wait until Thursday night.

In the spring and summer, I would go on long bike rides early Sunday morning. I have to admit that sometimes these rides were lonely but I was working things out in my head and getting my body in shape. I would come home, eat a healthy breakfast and read the paper. It was a great way to spend a Sunday morning.

A friend of mine had a lot of difficulty being alone after his divorce. But I convinced him to take a woodworking class because it was something he always wanted to do. He had never bought himself anything but he started to buy himself some nice tools and turned an area of his home into a woodshop. After that, he started to spend time each Sunday working in his woodshop making nice things for himself. Slowly, he extended the length of time he spent alone on Sunday until he developed a Sunday ritual.

After a few months, he would read the Sunday paper in the morning, work in his woodshop all afternoon, take a shower, order food in and watch movies. He found that his Sundays were peaceful and therapeutic and the more he did it, the more he wanted to do it. Now that he’s in a committed relationship, he has to be more flexible with his Sundays and he sometimes misses those Sundays of solitude.

Find out what kinds of things make you feel good. You might not even know, right now, what you really want to do. When I first started I had NO idea I would get addicted to the bike ride in the spring. But I did. I LOVED it!!!

Do nice things for yourself to reward yourself for doing the work. Doing good and healthy things will help you move on. Make sure you do it and you do it each and every week. Do something that says, “This is important to me.” If it’s something that your ex loathed, EVEN BETTER. But schedule a “me” night once a week and stay committed to it. If you need to relax, do that. If it makes you feel better to be active, do that. But give yourself ONE DAY OR NIGHT A WEEK where you make a date with yourself to do good, validating things for you….things that say, “I’m okay and I deserve this.” Two times a week is EVEN BETTER.

Being good to yourself is important for two reasons. One, we need to nurture yourself during this time so that we don’t have to look for it from the outside and two, we need to learn how to treat yourself well so that we can demand good treatment later on.

Do your affirmations…all day every day. Search on the blog for affirmation posts. Visualize your life….set goals…plan for the future…these are all BEING GOOD TO YOU. Do some meditation or relaxation. Itunes has both meditation and relaxation mp3s. put some on, lay down, light some candles, burn some aromatherapy sticks…and veg OUT.

The goal of this work is to change your life and make you fit for better and healthier relationships. Healthy relationships require healthy people and healthy people have good self-esteem. Therefore if you’ve been down on yourself or this breakup has taken a large bite out of your self-esteem, it is time to turn that around with positive self-talk, affirmations and visualizations. Repetition is key with affirmations and visualization. Imprint, imprint, imprint. EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!

LISTEN TO YOUR SELF TALK AND MAKE SURE IT IS POSITIVE. If it’s NOT, change it!!!

Cultivation must happen every day, several times a day every day. This might mean getting up a bit earlier or setting aside some time at night to read them and really HEAR them. Don’t just say them in a rote and mechanical way. Think about them and really hear them. In addition to this you should be saying them or reading them a few times a day. This will really imprint them.

Listen for your negative self-talk. Write about it in your journal. Turn those negatives into positives and AFFIRM AFFIRM AFFIRM.

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Being good to you happens every single day. Keep your self-talk in mind, make sure you are doing your work AND giving yourself credit for that AND taking time for you…to self-soothe, to affirm, to visualize, to set goals, to revitalize, to recharge, to regroup…be good to YOU!!!

Be good to you!!!