I’m rerunning the “Addicted to Drama” post since it’s come up in some of the recent comments.
I been starin’ at your photograph
Wondering where you’re at today
And I’ve been hanging by the telephone
Hopin’ that you’d come home and stay
You told me you needed
More walks, more talks
More feelin’ close to me
I wanna be close to you
I didn’t know you needed
Some roses, some romance
A little candlelight and slow dance
That’s not how it’s been
But maybe we can try again
Try, try, maybe we can try again
Try Again by Champaign (R&B song circa 1980?)
I heard this song today and I remembered that this was the ex’s and my song. It’s a nice song but it’s the perennial breakup and makeup song…”I could search the whole world over and never find what you’ve always given me….”
It’s what I wanted to hear…that he FINALLY realized that he could search the whole world over and never find what I had given him.
He was great with the “I heard this song and thought of you….” and he had a good voice and would sing to me a lot. We spilt up in 1978 and he came back and sang Barry Manilow’s “Weekend in New England.” When will our eyes meet? When will I touch you? When will I see you again?
Of course my heart just went all a pitter and a patter because if you know the song it builds to a great crescendo (as did my life) and ends with a great flourish (not so much my life). But all that glitters is not gold. I did not know that then. DUH.
Today I heard Try Again and was thinking, “WHAT was I thinking???” I mean, HOW many times do you get suckered in by the same old song? How many times was he searching the world over? Idiot.
I have been remarried now for 10 years. We have never broken up once and my husband has never dedicated an “oh jeez I just realized I love you” song to me or really any song…no argument we’ve ever had would rise to the level of needing a song to go with it. When we were going out we used to do a goofy little dance in the car to “Walking on Sunshine” (ssssshhhh, don’t tell anyone…hubby is a Harley ridin’ tough Vietnam vet type…don’t tell anyone that my rendition of Katrina and the Waves makes him laugh).
But seriously…my first husband and I were in the dramatic breakup and make up mode for so many years…it was what we DID…we could have received Oscars for it (maybe Grammys even)….we did the slow and sorrowful “Oh I was so wrong…what was I thinking?” and then we would be back in the pits again…and the pits HURT SO MUCH…and then the relief came in the form of “OH I WAS SO WRONG! Let’s NOT EVER DO THIS AGAIN!” and so it went.
We would be fighting, fighting, fighting, then not-talking-not-talking-not talking and then some switch would go off (or on) and he would get all doe eyed and teary eyed and say, “I had a dream about you last night…you were leaving me…and I couldn’t bear it…” and perhaps break into a operatic solo. To which I would try to stay strong and since he was “on the ropes” let him know how much he hurt me…have him grovel in fact…and get whatever vengeance I could get and perhaps request a couple of more Manilow songs….”Maaaaaaaaaandee…..”
Oh yes, my name wasn’t Mandy…but it was the thought that counted….and so I fed into it…thought I was making him hurt about hurting me and we were going to put this thing together right once and for all and it was going to be GRAND. Grand I tell you.
Only no one changed anything and therefore (tah-dah!) nothing changed.
And we beat our two stupid heads against that same brick wall until we were bloody and bruised and had to separate and divide up 2 houses, 3 kids, 2 dogs and a cat.
AND WE WERE BREAKING UP LIKE THIS FOR TEN YEARS BEFORE THE FAMOUS FINAL SCENE.
I don’t know about him, but I was, truth be told, ADDICTED to this breakup and makeup pattern and too scared to be alone and too cognizant of the fact that I would have a lot of CRAP to work out if we ever split.
He finally found a girlfriend who was stupider than me (yes, we were still married but that didn’t seem to matter and she wasn’t the first) and she hung out while we struggled through the end, split up and then got back together ONE MORE TIME (I only did it to prove I could, I was getting healthier at that point and he was no fun to play with anymore). But while he was giving her some crap line about “I need to try to work this out for my kids” and she was falling for it (good luck to her…you won the grand prize baby!!!) I was thinking, “I don’t care how many songs he sings, he’s not coming back.” because I was in therapy now and putting my life together.
So we danced around for a while longer (how musical we were) BUT I was not doing the same dance I always did and he got pissed off and went back to her (probably saying, “I was DREAMING about you!” to her because he was not very creative and hey, it worked for years on ME)…and I got on with my life. She won the brass ring…TEE HEE…and she can keep him…drama and all.
Today it’s hard for me to imagine that I fell for some nocturnal thoughts and a couple of mix tapes. I mean COMON.
I know it was my “stuff”. I know I got so much out of the drama and that I had deep deep wounds that needed to be expressed and since I couldn’t deal with them directly…I acted out and gravitated toward people who acted out…
Fast forward 20 years…I’m sane and happy and have a happy marriage. The ex is still blaming everything on everyone but him.
The kids don’t speak to him and it’s my fault or their fault or someone’s fault but not his. But my boys are healthy and happy and that is all I care about. When they spoke to their father every now and again, he would call and tell them he was dreaming about them (well, it worked on me so what the hell). My boys would say, “So why didn’t you pick up the phone?” They weren’t getting all ga-ga about “I was dreaming about you” and going, “Oh gee…(SIGH)….you were DREAMING about me! How great a father are you!!!” No, they didn’t fall for it. Not falling for words without action. Not falling for form with no substance. The line just DID NOT work on them.
My boys and I are close and they each call me at least once a week, if not more. If I don’t hear from one because he’s gotten busy, I call him up and say, “Remember me? I’m your mother.” and they will say, “Oh I’m sorry I didn’t call, but I was DREAMING of you.” :)
I find it funny that they can joke about this. I never thought it was funny…but they saw right through the melodramatics because they weren’t raised with it and have no stomach for it.
It all seems so silly to me now.
But once upon a time I fell for the songs, for the pithy sayings, for the dramatic scenes, both making up and breaking up. I got into trying to WIN him from some other woman and now I realize that letting someone else have him was the BEST thing that ever happened to me. They’re made for each other.
Misery doesn’t love company, it demands it.
Being addicted to the drama of bad relationships is NOT an easy thing to break out of. I had to do my own work, avoid the drama and chaos and learn to make peace with the peace. It’s not easy but afterwards, life becomes so rich, so rewarding and so PLEASUREABLE!!!
If you get carried away by the song dedications and the sweet nothings, think again: LOVE IS AN ACTION. Love is what you DO, not what you SAY (or sing).
Life is not a musical and a cute turn of a phrase is not going to see you through hard times. You need someone who steps in and steps up EVERY SINGLE DAY. and you need to be able to enjoy your life. Life is not mountains and valleys, it’s much more even than that.
Step out of the drama and step into your life.
Update 5/3: I downloaded some of these songs last week to see if they would have any effect and they didn’t. I was pretty amazed by that. I now realize that a lot of this foolish song drama was just so much emotional manipulation. I heard Walking On Sunshine the other day and it (and him) still makes me smile 12 years later. No drama. Yeah!
Pop songs have some of the sickest relationship lyrics ever.
I couldn’t listen to pop music for three years after my last relationship, finally started listening again and was OK, and then…bam! Last breakup.
Anyway, I read the definition of insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Is that really the definition of insanity?
And did you realize that “Mandy” is about a dog that Barry gave away? Hmm…. Unswerving loyalty for the bananahead that fed her.
My solution for the pop song issue is to listen to Hindi pop songs. LOL
Any of you all reading from the subcontinent, I’m looking for a good pop mix album :) The less English, the better LOL.
My favorite thing about going to Europe when I was going all the time (Italian boyfriend) was all the great music over there. A lot of it gets here but some of it doesn’t.
If you go to some of the bigger stores and go to the World Music section, you can find good stuff. One of my greatest finds was Johnny Clegg from South Africa. Interesting, VERY interesting story, behind his music. I actually did a project on him when I took Modern African Culture in undergrad.
I’ve heard the dog thing about Mandy was an urban myth that it was actually written as Brandy but was changed to Mandy because the Looking Glass came out with Brandy in 72 (a few years before).
SERENITY!!!
Hindi pop songs?!?!
When you said you has some understanding of Indian culture, I had no idea your understanding ran this deep :D And what are you talking about! Hindi songs don’t have sickest relationship lyrics?! COMON… I LOVE them still just because I can relate to them a lot closelier than to English songs, but that’s just for the linguistic value and that too for some, not all!
Oh wait…were you sarcastic?
Anyway, it’s a big surprise to me about you knowing Hindi songs :)
Susan, I was laughing through your wonderfully written, articulated, brilliant and charming recount of CRAZYLAND! I see so much of myself in your stories, a lot of us probably do, that’s why we connect to you.
It is so funny to me, I remember I used to be so hurt and upset about the fact my ex NEVER took ONE picture of me or us, we NEVER went on vacation together (together for 5 years…but if we add in the breakup times, more like 4) and we didn’t have an anniversary day! I used to be so hurt and I wanted ALL these things…UNTIL….we broke up for good. Then I was extremely GRATEFUL I had no pictures to pine over, no vacations to remember and go ga-ga over and NO anniversary to dwell about! Worked out fine in the end, although, I could have done myself a huge favor and paid attention to the fact this wasn’t someone I needed to be with because those are things I want in a relationship.
This post is one of my favorites from you…I’m still smiling at how you tell it.
Susan,
I actually saw an interview with Barry where he talked about it…I don’t think he was putting one over, either! And what lyrics for a puppy…
“You came and you gave without taking…you kissed me and stopped me from shaking, and I need you today, Oh Mandy…”
Which, when you think of it, is really true about canine love.
Mayee,
LOL. I’m sure that Hindi pop songs are just as sick or sicker than English-language ones…it’s just that I can’t understand them! So I can just eat up the rhythm and the bounce. I’ve also got the Monsoon Wedding soundtrack- oh, and Best of Bollywood II. I’ve tried to get my friends here to recommend one of those compilations, but one friend just mixed me something, and the other had no idea. So if you have any ones in mind, if you know how I could buy it online…
I’m so glad that Madonna’s songs aren’t so sick anymore. Her “Confessions on a Dance Floor” actually was pretty decent. It must have been the spiritual awakening thing. Or just more control and better taste (??).
Weird about the Mandy dog thing. An old boyfriend of mine who was a raging alcoholic (now in recovery) has a dog (an Airedale) named Mandy…and he’s just about that Barry Manilow Era…
Thanks for this Susan. Hi everyone…
I needed this reminder today. I’ve been feeling pretty sad in thelast few days as my ex and I first met 2 years ago this week, and I’ve been thinking about all the wonderful things he said, all the amazing texts he sent me in those first few days and weeks…
e.g. “You’re intelligence, confidence and beauty rolled into one”,
“Your nod of understanding gives me reasurrance”
…I mean he knew just what to say, and he completely blew my mind…
Those comments/texts are like “soundbites” which have been echoing in my mind on and off in the last couple of days, and I’ve been wondering if anyone else will ever say such lovely things to me again, if anyone will see me in that way and comment on me in such a complimentary way and fall in love with me again, etc etc…
I needed this reminder today that love is an action, it’s not about the sweet nothings, the amazing “soundbites”, it’s about someone who doesn’t just talk the talk, but who can walk the walk… My ex was fantastic at talking the talk, I had a year and a half of lovely and amazing things said to me, he promised me the world, but he has fallen way short in terms of his actions in the last few months… Anyone can say amazing things that make another’s heart melt, but true love is about the amazing things you do day in day out, rain or shine.
Thanks again Susan, and love and best wishes to you all :-)
Yikes Sunshine – is your ex my ex?! :-) I can soooo totally get you’re coming from. My ex was exactly the same; he blew my mind with his words. His actions though didn’t follow unfortunately. I too have a zillion texts and cards and emails where he professes undying love for me and says the most amazing things to me, things that used to make my heart sing and make me break into a beaming smile at the mere thought. Like you Sunshine I have those ’soundbites’ constantly running through my mind, and I used all those, along with everything he ever said to me in person (equally blow your mind stuff) to convince myself that he was ‘the one’ … despite the lies that I uncovered, and chose to ‘get over’, along the way. ‘Love is an action’ is one of the simplest and yet most profound statements on this site and it has really helped me to realise that he wasn’t ‘all that’ – he just said he was, and I believed his words not his actions. I’m trying to covert the ‘love is an action’ and other such statements into soundbites and hope that they too will soon echo through my mind. It’s funny, I remember quite early on – well, after about 6 months- a voice in my head saying that this guy needs to ’say what he means, and mean what he says’. What a thing to have come into my mind – and what a thing to ignore!!! That is exactly it – he DIDN’T mean what he said, and he DIDN’T say what he truly meant. Next time I will be focusing on the actions.
Can I just say to you all a big thanks too. I was feeling so awful last week and Friday in particular and your responses to me here on another thread really helped. It’s just recycling, and I need to recognise it as such. I took your advice and started some exercise and got out and about a bit socialising and feel a bit better. It also helped my confidence, which has been shot since being dumped, as one of the nights I was out, I was definitely being given ‘the eye’ by some guys. I know I shouldn’t derive self-worth and validation from the interest of other guys, I know it needs to come from within mostly, but it did help :-) It reminded me that I can’t be that unattractive and that there are other fish in the sea. I wasn’t interested in any of them (I am determined to remain uninvolved for the forseeable future) but it’s good to know they’re there :-)
Happy Sunday all
“Not falling for words without action”
What a wonderful and timely reminder. Thanks, Susan. We all do it but we need to separate the words from the reality and focus on the reality. Lyrics are lovely but a song needs music as well.
Beatrice – Glad you are feeling better.. :) Keep reading and moving forward – it WILL get better and you will one day be indifferent to this man and involved with a new one :)
… A song needs music as well
That’s brilliant!
Thanks for the encouragement Genevieve!
Hey all,
Beatrice, I’m glad you’re feeling somewhat better. Yes, your ex and mine clearly went to the same School of Luuurrrrrrvvvv!!! Like yours, my ex said such amazing things to me for a year and a half, both in person and in texts, phonecalls, cards, emails, etc… I said to him so many times “You blow my mind” cos he did. He said countless times that he knew I was The One, that he knew he wanted to marry me and have children with me… and I felt exactly the same way about him. And then, in the end, his soul-inspiring words gave way to reality – that he is a gutless wonder, and that ultimately he doesn’t know what he wants, he was just very good at getting carried away and saying loads of lovely things (and believing them himself probably too)… It’s just that ultimately he couldn’t follow through. The main red flag was that he’s a few years younger than me, so maybe didn’t know himself well enough to know what he really wanted, but for a year and a half he seemed so self-aware and like he was so sure… He was very seductive in that respect, very convincing, with all his fine declarations of love… GRRRRRRR!!!!!!!
Happy Monday everyone :-D
Serenity – I recommend most songs by Esmeralda Grao. But especially “Colgada de Tu Amor” which is fun because of playing with the ñ sound, and also “Te Advierto” because it’s upbeat and fun. If you do understand Spanish, then they’re even more of a treat because the lyrics are great. Colgada talks about not wanting to be hung up on your love, and Advierto talks about the other person figuring themself out before starting something with you. Esmeralda still isn’t that well known, but she’s worth looking up and much easier to find if you’re in Europe.
Sunshine – Talk about soundbites. I was going through the same recyclying that you are. As I was cleaning my room this weekend, though, I found some of my old journals and re-read entries from the period during and after my last breakup. Funny how I felt exactly the same way then as I do now after my current breakup. What did I learn from it? That I got through and over that one and moved on, when I didn’t think I could/would. So, my own experience is telling me I’ll get through this again, and end up even better once I’ve moved UP. My own soundbites are helping me now.
And just so that everyone remembers: We all totally rock! :)
Hondo –
Old journals are a great thing… they remind you that no matter how dark it may get, eventually the sun rises again.
Another interesting thought is this… if all breakups feel the same, then perhaps the person breaking up with us is not as relevent as the person inside of us trying to grow as a result.
I don’t know… it’s all a theory at this point because I spent my entire life doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. (ie. I have always been a doormat for every man that I ever dated and I have only ever dated men who were unavailable in one way or another – not married or involved with others – just not open to a real relationship. I lied to myself on the surface thinking that if I loved them enough they would love me too… (even when it was obvious that I wasn’t loved at all) but under all of it was a fear of being with someone who could love me because I was afraid they would leave me and it would devestate me and my fear became my way of life…
I have been single for a while now (over 6 months!) but I have a feeling that when I do start dating someone again it will play out differently because I (think) I finally understand myself and I don’t feel so scared anymore…
Of course this is all theory at this point…. but I will definitely pay closer attention to what is going on and not just hear what is being said.
Happy monday!!!
Hi Sunshine and Beatrice – I struggle with this too (the couple of years of fantastic, replaced with the ??? months of the right words but the wrong action). I have been searching for whether I missed something up front to warn me of the unavailability — but when someone is so sweet, caring, open, forward-talking (but not too early in the r/s)….how do you know? Rhetorical question of course. Hondo, you got it – we do rock!
Oh, those words, those sweet, tender, achingly, hauntingly beautiful words, words that touched a chord deep in my soul and made me resonate to the song written only for me by my one true love….the tender minstrel singing in the courtyard under my window in the lonely evenings…ah, the magic of the Internet, melting the icy miles between us away and making him as warm and close as my own breath….
What a shame it was all a load of crap! Pity I can’t put it on the petunias this year; they’d grow knee-high.
My current love, my husband, is a man of few words. But though he’s not a fancy talker, his word is good and he keeps it. He may not build me great castles in the air with words worthy of Yeats, but he built a cozy little cottage around us and loves me with all his heart.
And if I was still sitting here mooning over malarkey and pining for Mr. “Of Course We Will, But Not Just Now, Darling”, it would be just me and the cats and a box of Kleenex.
Words are just sounds. They may be beautiful, meaningful , soul-stirring and exciting sounds, but they are just sounds. Actions have meaning.
Took me YEARS to learn that. Don’t give up on happy endings; just walk away from the scripted drama and into your own very real life.
Gracie, thanks for that post! Both funny and inspiring. I can only hope to learn the lesson this time and go for actions, not silly words. Talking is so easy, but as you say, it’s just sounds that mean nothing.
Hondo and Genevieve: agree on the power of journals. I also spent some time the last days reading old journal entries from previous breakups or assorted disappointments (remind me to tell you about the time I fell in love with my gay best friend…*sigh*). And yes, the feelings were basically the same every time. It makes me a bit ashamed that, after all these years, I still have not learned the lesson and went crazy with grief on the first weeks after the breakup. But mainly the journals give me hope that not only I will fully overcome this, but I will love again. I know I will :).
I read somewhere that the brain actually gets addicted to the chemical rollercoaster ride of repeated breakups. Supposedly over time, you can actually lose your ability to enjoy a normal relationship. Scary.
Gracie, I am captivated by your writing. I love what you wrote and how you expressed it. You have talent! And, you are a smart women to have come through the compost pile into a beautiful garden.
May your happiness garden last you a lifetime and some of the seeds be cast upon the gardens of others on the site!
Thanks for your inspiration!
I know this is an older post but I have to comment…my ex was in a band and his voice was magical to me. Sometimes when we were alone he would pick up his guitar and sing love songs to me…I would get all puddly….just like I did when I was a young girl watching David Cassidy. It was JUST like that….and he was singing to me. I fell for him like a ton of bricks. However, I do now remember at one point we were having a disagreement about something, probably about his need to email constantly rather than talk over the phone or his inability to commit…anyway I told him to listen to the lyrics in a song called “More than “Words” by Extreme. Here are the first lines….
Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
Its not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldnt have to say that you love me
Cos Id already know
I remember telling him this was how I felt. I dont remember his response though….but if ever I was shouting “Love is an Action” it was this time. I knew it even then but I didn’t follow through. If only…if only….if only.
Also I am now remembering the first time he said I love you. I was convinced not to be the first to say it…I was always that person. This time I wouldnt say it first. So he emailed “I think I’m in love with you” and I remember I was FLYING HIGH (I know …email – bleh) but I was so excited I called him immediately to say I love you too and he could’t have sounded less excited to hear from me. Where was the romance the hearts and angels? It was a huge let down, but I let it go. He only bought me flowers 3 times over 5 years – on Valentine Day…and they were from the loca grocery store, so I had to throw them out by day 3 bcuz the petals were falling off all over.
I’m rambling, but I know but just wanted to comment on how I too have fallen victim to the drama of keeping that relationship alive, he gave me an inch, I made it a mile and kept going and going and going.
The Energizer Bunny has nothin on me!!!
Julie,
Its hard to admit things like that about ourselves, well done for recognising it in yourself.
Red x
Julie,
that song (More than Words) used to be my favourite song as a teenager, I have listened to it a million times, and I still have to smile and am reminded of that time in my life whenever I hear it.