Share Your D-BOM Moments
May 2, 2008 by susangpyp
I talked about realizing that IT WASN’T ME in this post —> Blame
But also in the same year I was sent on a business trip to San Diego. Now I had never been anywhere special prior to traveling to the west coast in 1986. I remember getting off the plane and there was a scent to southern California that I had never experienced. There was something sweet and airy and nice. The place seemed calm and nice. When I got to my hotel I realized that I had never been quite this happy to be somewhere in all my life. Not only was it totally different and seemed really lovely, but I was away from that maniac husband of mine.
San Diego was wonderful and exotic to me. I loved being out there. My marriage had been such a strain that I felt giddy and free when I got off the plane in California. I was there for 5 days and made the most of it. I remember driving around the town and going to a little cafe/bookstore. I had never seen a cafe/bookstore before. They did not, at that time, have any on the east coast. And I loved sitting there looking out on the water, drinking coffee and reading. I had never felt so relaxed in my whole life.
As if on cue, my husband called the 3rd night I was there and started screaming at me that because I was in San Diego, his grandmother’s television was stolen. Huh? She was watching my kids in my house instead of being home at night and while she was babysitting for ME (these were his words…ME…not us), her house was broken into and her television stolen. And this was my fault. I didn’t even know where he was when this happened. I was not yet aware enough to even ponder the question yet alone ask it.
But because of the sharp contrast of the situation, being in what seemed to be paradise, surrounded by fun, happy people, and listening to insane shrieking on the other end of the phone, I was able to see–PLAINLY–how miserable he was and how miserable the relationship was and how much I wanted to be out of it.
And I couldn’t believe what I was hearing even though it was so much of what I’d always heard: something went wrong and it’s your fault. What? For the first time I was thinking, “This can’t be right.” Dawn was definitely breaking over Marblehead.
Marblehead is a coastal Massachusetts town and “Dawn breaks over Marblehead” is a Massachusetts expression which means “Duh. I finally get it.” I think it’s a terrific expression to define a defining moment, an epiphany so to speak, and when I lived there I used it all the time. I now call it D-BOM (DEE BOMB) for short.
The “keys” moment that I wrote about in the Blame post and the San Diego moment were both instances when dawn broke over Marblehead. I had many more both before and after the breakup and continue to have them even now (though they tend to be less spectacular now), but these moments are moments where “I get it” and reality, cold hard reality, starts to sink in.
Cat talked today about realizing her attraction to NPD men in connecting it to her NPD father. That’s a D-BOM moment.
And usually there is no turning back from D-BOM moments. At some point you didn’t know that you didn’t know, but after a D-BOM moment, you know that you don’t know but you better figure something out. And fast.
So I’m throwing that out there for people to share their D-BOM moments. The moment at which something in you changed forever and you were able to see things you could never see before.
On again off again. Suspect there is someone else. Show up unannounced. Did not catch anyone there but pictures of me not on end table in living room or in bedroom where they had been. Ask about it. Told “cleaning up.” Nothing else was clean.
DBOM
Wow, I had lots of D-BOMBS. Lots. Mainly because when I finally got it through my thick skull that my ex-husband was incapable of the telling the truth, I then began to accept the fact that his reality was NOT my reality.
A case in point:
This was about the time I realized that something was going very sour with our marriage and that my former husband had been spending far too much time away from home, despite declaring his undying love for me and saying how much he loved being married to me.
At that point, I knew that he could lie about anything and did. But, I was in denial about ONE critical aspect. I had convinced myself that despite his lying ways, he would NEVER EVER cheat on me. He had accused me of cheating on him in the past, but I knew it was unfounded and I let it go.
He had made up a million lies about why he spent so much time away form home. Stories about problems with his business equipment to the ultimate lie…that his parents were both critically ill and he needed to care for them. I BOUGHT that lie, hook, line and sinker.
And then came the idea that he had a new “friend” assisting him with his business and doing some work that I could not because I was working full time and trying to keep a house. I would see them at the local cheap diner (I hate diners, my ex LCVES them - he has no tastebuds!) and think, just as my ex had explained that they were going over business receipts and work orders. I BOUGHT THAT, hook, line and sinker. I saw that they spent a lot of time together. I complained and went about my business…with my ex telling me that I drove him away. He continued to deny any romantic relationship with his business “helper”.
Then I thought, how in God’s name can he be working so much and caring for his parents and spend time at a diner going over some receipts with this woman? How? How? He again denied the relationship, told me I was hallucinating and that I needed serious counseling. He declared that he was as devoted as ever. Humph. I felt deflated. I felt like I was crazy and that he was the saint. After all, it had begun to say things about me to people at work that were getting back to me…and it occurred to me that a loving husband would not GOSSIP about his wife, even if it were true, he’d deal with it privately.
I sat on my emotions, told myself that I was just imagining things. I ignored my gut instinct until one night. I was lying in bed alone, thinking about why my husband could not be home with me…realizing that he was caring for his sick parents and trying to keep food on the table…and then the BOMB. It hit me. IT WASN’T ME. All this pity and sorrow cannot be happening to one person! It made sense suddenly. He was moving away from me because he was moving towards HER. I decided that I was going to snoop on my husband. He had told me he had to stay there overnight because his mother needed help going to the bathroom, ect. I drove over there (I know, sneaky…but it taught me to go with my gut) They lived just one street over in the same neighborhood. I drove by, his vehicle was not there. That’s all I needed to know. By then I was doubting what I knew was true: He was not staying with his parents, he was staying with the other woman. The next morning, I called his parents and I asked his mother about my husband seeing this woman on the side and being a cheater…I came right out with it…Her reply? “I don’t know anything about that.” Now, most parents would defend their child to the death if he was honourable and decent. She did not defend him. She did not deny his behaviour.
I was in agony. My marriage was over, without warning. But, I was out of denial. He could cheat on me. He did cheat on me. He WAS cheating on me. He was moving on. And yes, just as I had suspected, he did not love me despite his declarations of love. I was right all along…he was a liar, I was not going crazy and my life had changed forever.
“I felt like I was crazy and that he was the saint”
This is exactly how I felt in my last relationship. Your story sounds SO much like mine it’s funny in a not-funny-at-all kind of way. I actually became suicidal because I was so convinced the problem was ME, and not him. I also discovered his infidelity in the same way - a late night drive by that my gut insisted on.
But my D-BOM actually didn’t come until a couple of weeks after that. A few weeks after he was caught-and his other woman informed of what was going on-it came out that he’d been trying to wheedle his way back into BOTH of our good graces. The other woman and I were communicating directly at this point and confronted him together.
The outcome was that he informed the other woman that although he’d been involved with her longer by a couple of years, he was going to leave her and dedicate himself to winning me back.
I couldn’t understand why this outcome actually made me feel WORSE. Seeing her there crying made me think only two things:
1. I certainly didn’t love or respect him any more for being able to coldly dump this girl in front of me.
2. This scene belonged on Jerry Springer, a show I LOATHE with every fiber of my being. I BELONGED ON JERRY SPRINGER.
And that’s when it hit me that WHATEVER string of decisions had led me to this point, I needed to figure something out, FAST.
That D-BOM moment has led to many other, smaller D-BOM moments, but that’s the one. That’s the one that made me realize that if I didn’t do some serious soul-searching, my life was going to be screwed up FOREVER, because MY decisions led to that moment and only a VERY broken person would allow events to come to this point.
My D-Bomb
My ex had started calling me non-stop telling me what a mistake he had made. How much he still loved me that he was just “helping out” a former friend going thru a divorce. Would I move back in with him, on and on and on
I was having a REALLY hard time trying to not listen to all of this, I was crying alot and just so so sad.
One day, he called me and started telling me how worried about me he was, that he didn’t want me to be sad, that he really really wanted me to be ok. That he wanted me to be happy. We ended up getting disconnected and he called back and apologized, stating that he was going 80 down the Interstate and had hit a no coverage area. HUH? We live in the same town.
It then hit me, she had lived in another town 120 miles from ours and had a court date that day.
She was in the car with him.
That call was not about him worrying about me and my welfare or really about me at all. It was about dealing with this new woman’s insecurities and his complete and utter lack of morals or even a conscience. I realized he would stop at nothing and hurt anyone in order to get what he thought that he wanted at the time. What he didn’t know is that in that single selfish act, he did not show himself to be the “hero” that he imagined himself to be but rather the small little man that he was.
That phone call brought me to my knees and spoke volumes of his character.
That phone call in which I became collateral damage in order to meet the needs of the people within the confines of that car.
He betrayed me. I gave him my full heart and my full trust and he hurt me so deeply that the pain in my heart has been present in my eyes. He forfeited my trust and esteem of him.
He failed me on every level that day but most of all as a friend and that has become perhaps the most profound loss of them all.
It took me a long long time to finally realize that IT”S NOT ABOUT ME.
In the last few months I have had a lot of d-bom moments. After years and years of believing this man that I could not shake, I suddenly could see and hear him so clearly. He was sorry for what “I had gone through” he “cared about me”, but he was still totally unwilling to do anything to back up his words. there was no action. he wanted me, but only on his terms and he was unbelievably selfish. He told me for years that he couldn’t let me go because he loved me and that he was my soul mate, but turns out, he was just selfish! I finally could see it and it was a HUGE eye opener. walking away from him was relatively easy after my d-bom moment.
I also had a huge d-bom moment when my therapist pointed out that i had a thing for drama. I am addicated to drama and don’t know how to function without it.
If things are calm, I get anxious, and I start to create problems because I can’t handle the nondrama.
Now, that i know all this information, i don’t really know what to do with it. I can just see it. I can notice my obsessive thinking and how i pick apart men who just want to be with me. No catch, no ulterior motive, no other person, no drama. they just want to be with me and they are up front about it. I see them as weak and don’t respect them. where’s the drama! my brain screams.
lots of d-bom moments the last few months.
Anais, I had a friend who always had to create drama in her life- whether it was the latest recycling with the frustration of her un-working husband (while she worked her butt off) and she was threatening to end the marriage (about every three months), or it was her latest illness created at least 50% by her own mind- with her, I was always on the phone talking her down. This was drama in a friendship for me- listening to her constant creation of drama. Tired! She finally turned her drama on me when I was going through a really hard time, and I was fed up and so out of there.
Your drama seems different, but I can relate to it a bit. Not in all, but in some relationships, I have been attracted to danger. I did have *one* dramatic relationship, and I have to tell you OMG, super-exhausting. It was the only time I ended up in drama, and I really thought never again!
I think the principle in the end is that if you unravel the ball of string…figure out where the attraction started (childhood imprinting seems to be pretty common)…and then do your work around that (inner child work, NLP, grief work, abandonment work, etc.), you hopefully will emerge a different person who looks at the drama, says, “Hmm…used to be attracted to that. I can see it, but I don’t want it anymore.”
At that point, you’ll probably have a heck of a lot of energy left for your own life :)
Dawn over Marblehead…LOVE that expression! As I’ve stated, I was visiting my folks one weekend and just OBSERVED my parents interactions with each other. This was my time to understand the messages my parents conveyed to me while growing up. The observation was one of dominate, illogical, dogmatic, controlling, rude, depressed, non-smiling, self absorbed, critical, non affectionate, hyper tension, inconsiderate A-hole of a father interacting with tuned-out, distracted, ignoring, tag-along, submissive, hyper tension, perfectionist, never satisfied, chain smoking, depressed, sad, lonely, demanding, argumentive, complaining do nothing about it but ignore it, mother.
I thought, “I would NEVER have a relationship like that!” HA - they were ALL like that! BINGO!!!!!
Ever since then, I’ve lived a different existence. I have zero tolerance for people like that in my life and I’ve been rejecting those people left and right now. I’ve ended all my dysfunctional friendships and relationships. I now have people in my life that must love and respect me. Period. I have a lot of free time now since those dysfunctional A-holes are out of my life and I can freely do the good stuff.
Cat, I love reading what you write.
Here was a Dawn Over Marblehead (LOL! Does that mean our heads were full of rocks? ) moment for me.
My relationship had ended as it was. The ex wanted to be friends. I was totally in the abandonment/traumatized/shock/disbelief mode. I was over at his house. A slow dawn broke in my mind as I realized, looking at him, as we did our own things and he prepared dinner, that there was nothing there for me. We weren’t even talking to each other. We never really talked to each other the way that I love talking with my good friends.
I was thinking that I could handle the situation somehow; I could stay friends with him. But take away the intensity of the relationship as it had been, and he was just plain boring to me. We were so much very different people. And he was very inflexible; not a person who could make friends with someone and appreciate someone so very different than him. And I had stayed and let his disapproval of me wear away my self-image.
Unfortunately, this D Bom moment didn’t detach my mind from him. But it did serve as one of those negative things on the lists that I started to use to break my mind freer from the relationship and my “split” image of the good side of him.
And it is serving as I construct my idea of what scenario I was playing out to choose such a wrong (and toxic) person to put in such an important person place in my life.
Serenity, thank you for the compliment and I too enjoy your style as well. Isn’t it just great when we shatter that fantasy of our ex’s and we start to see them as they really are….mostly boring. I think that’s why most of the ex’s that get discussed on this board are so full of drama, because they know, underneath their veneer chrisma, they got nothin’. What they do have is the ability to spot people like us, sensitive, caring, loving, devoted, loyal, truthful, intelligent, communicator’s, interesting, etc….so they can SUCK the life out of us like emotional vampires! And they do..and we stay…and we cry when they leave us sapped of all we started with…and we want them back? WHAT? Who’s sicker?
Yes, I do believe the Marbleheads are our heads! I will accept that gracefully because I was as stubborn about not facing reality as anyone else. Great story Serenity, thanks for sharing it with us.
Rebecca,
That’s a great rule to live by, if your relationship would make great material for a Jerry Springer episode then you know it’s way past the time to go. Excellent insight, thank you for sharing that, it will go in my repertoire of the things I’ve learned here on this site, such as, “a ringng phone is a request, not a demand,” I love that one and now use it often.
Yah, Rebecca, I had to laugh at how you put that. “I BELONGED ON JERRY SPRINGER”.
I’ve heard that a lot of people on Jerry Springer are paid actors, OR people who wanna go on and so act up. Blah. Anyway, can’t stand more than .00001 second of that. But had two of my own Springer-Stupid moments in my last breakup. He brought the trauma, I turned on a leetle drama. Never really thought I had much of that in me. But as Susan says, “Anyone is capable of anything”. Especially when they trust a bananahead.
Cat, funny you should mention the ‘emotional vampire’ thing. I read a book with a title like that in one of my initial “what the hell just happened” forays into the book store. And then, when I read “Reinventing Your Life” and found one lifetrap I fell into, there was one sentence giving a suggestion about dating if you fit that description, and there it was “see reality”. I suddenly felt as if a veil had dropped. Like, I didn’t see the reality of my romantic partners…um…oh….uh….sheesh.
My D-BOM moment came from finally understanding that not everyone has a conscience. This is a permanent disorder, which is present at birth or developed very early in life. In either case, the disorder is NOT treatable. I’ve held out hope for so long that someone I cared for would change into someone more loving. I wasn’t just hopeful that I could change him, but also hopeful that life’s experience could change him, even after we broke up. It was actually on this blog did I first read about personality disorders where people lack the ability to empathize. So I did a little internet investigation and found that there is a clinicial profile of such people called “sociopaths” who cannot feel remorse, guilt, shame, and other basic human emotions. They have to feign these emotions through careful observations of others, and become pathalogical liars. Their only concern is to manipulate others for their gain, whether it be for sex, money, or status. They are very charming and appear sincere to get you hooked, but everything is a game to WIN for them. They cannot relate to people just simply to give and receive love. Sociopaths only care about consequences of being caught, and do not care about consequences to others. It’s scary that there are so many of these people in the general population, so it’s likely that your ex who causes great suffering is one. They don’t feel things like you and me…almost like a virus among healthy cells. When I saw that the sociopathic profile fit my ex perfectly, I made no more excuses for him and finally wrote him off as someone who could not possibly experience love…EVER..That was my D-BOM moment, because I now TRULY understand why some people just cannot change.
nofear,
While there is indeed such a permanent disorder, classified as a Personality Disorder in the DSM IV (a recognized psychological diagnosis reference), sociopathy is a relatively rare diagnosis. However, having said that, MANY people have elements of Anti-Social Personality Disorder as it is called, but are not true sociopaths. I have read a bit about the disorder and the disagnosis and attempts at diagnosis and a highly specific set of behaviors and conditions must exist to term someone a sociopath. Most modern and sensible clinical diagnosticians are hesitatant to label a person sociopathic. Prisons are chock full of inmates who fit the clinical definition of sociopath. Hannibal Lecter was a sociopath and is an extreme example.
Even still, therapeutic treatments and support groups exist for those who seek change. Alcoholics Anonymous is one such group, but of course it is voluntary. (Mind you, not all alcoholics are sociopaths, but some elements of the disorder exist the individual.)It’s not so much that they (sociopaths) cannot change, it’s that they MUST choose to change. Usually, their behavior has worked for them since a very young age and so the impetus to change is small. In addition, they have been surrounded by sick, dysfunctional others that perpetuate the behaviors and psychosis that make up the disease.
Change is a CHOICE.
I’ve heard that the difference between alcoholics and sociopaths is guilt. Alcoholics usually get sober due to guilt and sociopaths have no guilt.
I do not toss the word sociopath around lightly. To have a personality disorder of ANY KIND is a serious disorder but to label someone a sociopath or psychopath is very serious. Just being NPD is a very very serious disorder. I had a friend ask me the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath a little while ago (she and her bf were having some debate about it) and she told him that in the 10 years she’s known me she had never heard me use the two words. I try to steer clear of them unless I’m talking about a serial killer or someone like that.
The issue for most is that they don’t “get” that people with personality disorders have very very little empathy for others. People who are empathic think the rest of the world cares as they do and they DON’T.
And even if someone does not have a personality disorder, it’s amazing how many people can just hurt someone, rationalize it and walk away. There are degrees of empathy and some people have almost zero and aren’t suffering from a personality disorder….more like an adjustment disorder (axis I).
The problem is thinking that everyone has similar levels of guilt and remorse and they don’t.
When we become healthy, we tend to attract people with similar levels of guilt and remorse and life works SO MUCH BETTER!!! Another plug for emotional healthiness!!!!
Cat,
You wrote “I think that’s why most of the ex’s that get discussed on this board are so full of drama, because they know, underneath their veneer chrisma, they got nothin’. What they do have is the ability to spot people like us, sensitive, caring, loving, devoted, loyal, truthful, intelligent, communicator’s, interesting, etc….so they can SUCK the life out of us like emotional vampires!”
I agree that’s some of them. But here’s another thought: So many of us look for some significant other who is what we want to be. My ex looked for gentle, extremely kind, sacrificing individuals…empathetic, super-feeling ones. And I think that that was because
1) He isn’t totally lacking as a sociopath would be, but due to the fact of his logical personality type and family upbringing, he has trouble accessing both his feelings and feeling any empathy for others and
2) He knows deep down that this is the kind of person that he would really like to be; being in a relationship with a person like this means that somehow he becomes that (the ol’ no boundary thing).
3) Being a relationship with a super-feeling and caring person means that they’ll just keep pouring it on him. And they’ll probably be likely to be forgiving.
So what happens? He finds us, we feel how messed up he is and gravitate towards him to heal if we aren’t self-fulfilled enough to see the danger of the black hole.
So yes, my ex did pull out that veneer charisma. To hide the emptiness inside, and to hide the shame of himself that he had from childhood- but he didn’t provide the drama. There were only a few dramatic moments– every five weeks when he hurt my feelings so badly I considered dropping the relationship, then he came back all apologetic, then I forgave and did a mind-wipe; and then of course, the drama coming from me when he traumatized me with deceptive behavior and sudden change of status.
Serenity, I agree with your observations. I’ve asked myself what I admired or wanted from my ex that I didn’t have in myself. I did that exercise as part of my grief work and journaled it all down. That’s when I discovered I did possess all the traits I admired within myself, I just didn’t know it because I was so “other’ focused.
Today I’ve been thinkning about another post of yours that said to imagine another ending to the breakup. I don’t know why but the exercise intrigued me, how would I have ended it if I knew that ending it was the only option. What I’ve discovered today about myself (I really do enjoy this self discovery of my crap I’ve dragged along my life) was that at that point in time, my 20’s and 30’s, I was so addicted to drama. I can’t believe it today because my life is not a semblance of drama at all, I live a very peaceful calm life now, however, I spent a great deal of my life in drama land.
So the question now to myself is WHY did I need drama? And after reading through Susan’s post on drama, I see it was because I was so afraid and broken down that I just did not want to be alone searching for another person again. I’d rather have stuck it out on the ‘expressway of pain’ to avoid being alone.
And now, being alone and realizing how wonderful it all is I just shake my head at myself. All that pain, all those tears, all those screaming matches, all the drama would have been prevented had I just stopped the nonsense. I just didn’t know that I didn’t know.
It should be a required course in high school that we learn how to relate to people and express ourselves in a proper way. I remember Susan said to act like ladies. I did not act like a lady back in those days, to the contrary, however, today it is so nice to be a lady with class.
Anyway, I’m just rambling today. I think because I’ve discovered yet another new thing about myself and I’m so happy where I am today. I’m so happy that the ex isn’t in my life and won’t be, it’s just an ugly reminder to me of a time when I didn’t like myself. I’ve exited off the ramp to “calmville.”
:) You’re the best Serenity, I enjoy your insights and what you bring to the forum.
Susan,
Although I have not mentioned this before, I work in an administrative capacity for a mental health organization. We see a lot of troubled people, but very few actually meet the full criteria for Anti-Social Personality Disorder with Sociopathic Comorbidity, as we term it. I too try to avoid the label, as sociopath and psychopath are considered one in the same. I believe the word sociopath grew out of the psychopath label…In any event, it’s a serious disorder and I restrain myself from using it as label for anyone, unless I *KNOW* with proven clinical assessments and professional diagnosis that an individual suffers from it. I have yet to have anyone meet the full criteria, both diagnostically or clinically.
I can, however, without reservation state that my EX is a pathological liar. He fits that description (and others) well, without being Charles Manson. Although, there were days that I wondered exactly WHO he was…I got my answer during our divorce and I’m ever grateful for the hardship I had back then. I learned volumes about myself and others.
Sociopath and psychopath are not the same thing but there is general confusion in the lay population AS WELL AS the clinical population about them. I often found that people who worked outside a chronic psychiatric population had little to no knowledge about the most severe (and least common) disorders. Most people are confused about sociopath, psychopath and antisocial and how they all fit together.
The discussion of Antisocial Personality Disorder and how sociopath and psychopath play into it is probably best left for a base thread. I’d like to do one on different levels of empathy that certain people (usually those with personality disorders) do NOT have. I’ll start to outline it and put something together.
Cat, one of the most valuable things I’ve read from you is about the searchlight– when you think of the ex, then you look inside yourself and see what you want and need. I just started doing that, and it is mind-opening.
And I think you did a really important thing when you looked at what about your ex you were attracted to. So many of the posters here were attracted to wonderful words and charming ways– if that’s true, it just goes to show that too many of us aren’t saying wonderful things to ourselves or being sweet and charming to ourselves!
I’m glad you’ve found a peaceful place without the drama. I had one friendgirl who constantly created drama in her life– I think so she didn’t have to look at her stuff and because that’s what her home life was like. It was always exhausting to talk to her. I’m so glad for you that you’ve dropped the willingness to be there. I’ve found that there’s now a direction for me to grow now that I’m not trapped in the unhealthiness that I was in…But I’m still waiting to feel *much* better.
I’ve had a couple of super D-Bomb moments in the last
year that have felt akin to living in a cave and suddenly
one day walking into the sunlight. WOW, life-changing
moments.
The first one was approximately one year ago. I’ve
written about it before, so briefly: I was whining about
my ex and former relationship to my therapist for the
umpteenth time. She had had enough and firmly
told me it was about my mother. Instant pain, followed
by an instant shift inside me that led me down a very
painful but ultimately healing road to finishing an
individuation process that I had started and then got stuck
in. I’ve worked out (for myself, on my terms) a distant,
quasi relationship with my mother. Who knows what it
will look like down the road. I have no expectations for
anything different. I’ve reached a place of acceptance and
peace around that. I finally mourned the mother I didn’t
get and found my boundaries with the mother I DID get.
Fast forward to this past weekend and D-Bomb #2.
My future mother-in-law is a really great person. She
is also a woman who was abandoned by her birth
father, lost her step-father (he passed away) when she
was 5, divorced her first husband and in the last 5 years
lost 2 young grandchildren and her second husband
whom she adored.
Abandonment and loss are no strangers to her. She has
done some of her work, but because of MY work and this
GPYP connection, I can step back and observe
when her still-unfinished business kicks in–AND I can feel
compassion and patience with her. It helps that she does
have some self-awareness and she does work on her own
stuff. She’s older, so I find her efforts
admirable and, well, not all that common for her
generation.
Over the past weeks, as her son and I have been
making our plans for the future (which involve him
moving an hour away from her to live where I live),
her unfinished business has been rearing its ugly head.
I get that. I get that for the past 5 years, her son–
who would help anyone with anything, not to mention
his mother and sister who have faced unimaginable
loss–has essentially stepped in and been the strong,
male figure for her and his sister.
It’s hard for him to say “no” to anyone in need, but when he
does, his boundary is set. He doesn’t feel guilty or
defensive or offer explanations. He understands that it
*feels* like abandonment to his mother because
of old losses and sometimes she doesn’t keep that in check
as well as she could. But he doesn’t make that business of
hers HIS problem. Thankfully, his sister has done an
AMAZING job in grief recovery (and dealing with inter-
generational unresolved grief–see Susan’s post about
that) and she totally gets it and she still works
hard at it.
So his mom has turned to kind of testing some boundaries with me. For example, calling me to ask if we can go over to help her with some things that she is perfectly capable of doing
herself and knew her son would say no to–and asking
for help with these things when she knew that we
were under the gun to paint and prep his home
for an open house, while still balancing our time with
his family over the weekend.
So the D-Bomb happened when I figured out how *I*
was going to handle MY stuff in response to hers. I had
some anxiety building up about this mother figure
who was beginning to feel enmeshing to me. The ol’
“I’m so needy, please rescue me” stuff. The one
extreme of my mother that had me hooked for years
(decades).
I had to step back and observe. And journal. And talk
to my fiance about our boundaries as a couple, his
boundaries as a son, and my boundaries as a future
member of the family. I’m sure that on some very
primal level, she feels that I am replacing her.
It felt like all that I have been learning about boundaries
was being put to the test here. The “mother boundary”– the hardest kind of boundary for me to set! I had to own up to the fact that I can still feel “mean” in certain situations if I say no.
I can still have the urge to defend or explain my “no.”
Thankfully, my BF has done a lot of self-work and
reminded me that we never have to defend our feelings
or our boundaries. He’s a smart cookie, that guy.
I also called on one of my oldest, dearest friends who has
also developed healthier boundaries in recent years, and
got a pep talk from her.
Then I did it. I set a boundary with my mother-in-law. I
lovingly offered the help I could reasonably give under
the circumstances and told her “not this time”
with the rest. (The whole time I was mentally repeating
something Susan has said many times, along the lines of
“An emergency/crisis for you does not require any action on
my part”)
Part of me was still waiting for the bomb to drop,
probably expecting the kind of reaction I would
have gotten from own mother with whom I couldn’t set
a boundary without being emotionally punished, which
usually meant she would completely withdraw for a time
(then I would spin, feel “mean”, question my boundaries, relinquish my boundaries, anything to “win her back”).
But that didn’t happen. She (his mother) sucked it
up and got her own stuff done. The next day when I saw
her, she was as loving as ever. No drama, no
holding a grudge, no rejection, nothing but love and
acceptance.
And that is when it hit me on a deeper level than before:
Intellectually, I know it’s hogwash for someone to not
love or accept me because I am my own person, say no,
have boundaries. But emotionally, with this particular
person (mother figure), I needed to practice it to experience
how different from my past it could be.
So this is what I walked away with:
1) I KEEP MY SIDE OF THE STREET CLEAN by
being true to me. I can’t do that if I give myself away
in exchange for motherly love. I don’t have to build
a wall around myself as a boundary, either.
2) I really can set even the hardest boundaries to set
in a loving yet firm way and STILL be loved and accepted
by healthy people.
3) If someone is not healthy enough to love and accept
me and my boundaries, that is none of my business. The
ones who get it and get me, are the ones who matter and
the ones who have a front row seat in my life.
Great post Kathy!
“I gave myself away for….
I’ve had a few D-BOMB moments over the past 11 months or so, but two stick out in my mind the most (sorry, this is kinda long…)
#1 - I had spent months grieving over my relationship with my ex, checking his myspace page, feeling sorry for myself, blah, blah, blah. I was doing a lot of the work I needed to do, but there were a lot of times when I just felt hopeless because this person didn’t love me. One day, I noticed new pictures on his page (which I knew I shouldn’t have been looking at in the first place, but couldn’t seem to help myself at that point) - him with his new car. Nice. I would have been jealous over the new car, but I couldn’t get over HOW FAT HE WAS. Don’t get me wrong, he was a pretty good-sized guy when I was with him (I can’t stand a too-skinny man!!), but this was something else. Suddenly it dawned on me - who this person really was…this same person I thought the world of at one point was the same person who could be mean, uncaring, flippant, condescending, and cowardly. He promised me the world, then tore the rug out from under me. He was the very definition of “maintenance crazy”. And now the outside was starting to reflect the inside. And I realized that even if I didn’t know him and his bananahead personality, if I saw him walking down the street, I wouldn’t even have given him a second glance. It might sound a little shallow, but it helped a lot by making me realize that he is not the end-all-be-all of men, nor the “really good guy with a few issues” whom I made excuses for. I can do so much better!
#2 - My best friend recently broke up with her boyfriend. I’ll call him “G” for this story. G and I dated on and off all through high school and part of my college years. He was my first serious relationship, my first love, first lover, etc, etc. Our relationship was horribly dysfunctional right from the beginning. We were totally and utterly wrong for each other, but neither of us could completely pull away from the crazy dance we were doing with each other. And every time one of us would try to stop, the other one would find a way to pull the other right back in. I started this relationship when I was 13, and for the longest time, I thought that’s what “real love” made you do - act crazy and make you obsessed and unable to pull away from the other person because you were just “so in love.” So to make a long story short, it took me a REALLY long time to “get it” that this person was so horrible to me, and really needed to be out of my life. My abandonment issues were SO strong at that time (still there, but much less raging now) that I just couldn’t see it. Then, one day in my dorm room at school, he got angry and just swept his arm across my desk, tossing everything halfway across the room. There had been other incidents before this, but I’d swept them under the rug. This time was my breaking point. I told him to get out - I was done. It took me 7 years, but I was done. Then I find out 2 1/2 years ago, that my best friend is dating him. And I’m thinking “is she crazy??” She was around for maybe the first year or so of our relationship before she moved to Florida, but I would have thought that she would have seen enough in that time to send her running in the opposite direction. Anyway, I figured, maybe he’s changed - it has been several years since things ended between us. And for awhile things seemed okay, but then she started telling me about the problems they were having in the relationship. And I swear it was like deja vu. Exactly. the. same. dance. Only now he was doing it with my best friend instead of me. I told her that it was hard for me to be an objective party, but that I would be honest and tell her what I really thought. She’s moving out of their apartment this month. Thank god it only took her 2 1/2 years to be done. But what the whole situation made crystal clear to me was that HE DID NOT CHANGE. That could have been me doing that same crazy dance with him all those years later and HE WOULD NOT HAVE CHANGED. It didn’t matter whom he was with - he was still him and hadn’t done any work on himself at all. So now when I get those occasional thoughts about my ex and if he’s found someone new yet, I remind myself that he hasn’t changed and he’s going to do the same dance with the next person that he did with me. But I AM changing and working on myself - and one day I will find someone who knows how to do a much healthier dance!
Lucy
Thanks for sharing Lucy. I was reminded of a lot from what you posted.
Serenity,
You’re wonderful! The searchlight has been very new lately because I’m really focusing on getting on with my life. One of my new favorite questions I ask myself lately is, “what delights me?” It’s been really fun discovering the answer because I have to explore new things and decide, “do I like that or not?” I have to say, today I actually thought, “I hardly think about the ex anymore, I actually HAD to think about NOT thinking about the ex! Ha. Because, I’m so me focused and I’m not lonely anymore because I’m discovering who I am there’s not a lot of time to sit and ponder about what I lost anymore, it’s all about what I’m gaining. My momentum is in another direction and it’s not looking at the past a whole bunch anymore. However, I love this site because it builds strength to understand all the different phases and places in the healing we all are in, I have a tremendeous amount of respect for that now.
I often read your post Serenity, you bring so much to the table and you have such a level head about things. You’d be someone I’d love to hang out and talk over coffee. You’re just awesome.
Kathy, WOW - amazing post and thanks for sharing your story. It’s so wonderful when we break the chains of our own dysfunctions and free ourselves up to be who we really are, loving human beings that deserve the best!
Thanks Cat. I don’t think I used to be quite so level-headed. It’s been a frickin growth experience.
I was reading this one thing (which I wish I could remember) and the author was talking about how there were only a certain number of emotions that humans could have (maybe it was Bradshaw). And one of the emotions was joy. And I suddenly realized that “en-joy” means IN JOY. Sheesh.
So that’s what your delight is all about. Good for you.
I had a little d-bomb moment today watching Randy Pausch’s time management lecture online, when he talked about time management really being about making more time for fun. To have more fun. I’ve always kept fun in my life, but I think too much of that fun has been centered around a relationship, and not around myself.
Cat–I’d love to hang out and have coffee with both you and Serenity! :) I appreciate your self exploration, growth and
insights.
Heather, our experiences are similar in that it’s almost as if they BELIEVE the lies, and that’s why they’re so good at it. They’re pathological liars and gutless, having no courage to let us loose. In my situation, he wanted his cake and eat it too and thought life would continue on, status quo, without any drama. When it finally hit the fan, he tried to turn the reality around to make himself the victim and me the nutcase, which almost drove me to nutsville, because I was believing it. You know, when you’re grieving and rejected, it’s hard to make sense of anything, so I’m thankful that you and I were able to. There are many, many people who can’t take responsibility for their actions, ever. It’s so childish, and I see it all the time with “adults.”
Looking back I guess I had a few D-BOM moments, but here was the big one - the one where I said to myself: “Sod it, this is the end of this rollercoater ride”.
It was 5 months after he left me (for the 5th time) and two weeks before he left the country. I stupidly agreed to meet up with him because he refused to stop contacting me (yes, I know now that I did not have to read the e-mails or take the calls, but this was before D-BOM).
Then, three days later I got an e-mail from him saying: “I know I should not create expectations and then not follow through, but…” and then he went on to make excuses for doing exactly that as he did not want to meet up anymore - he was chicken.
It was not the first time he created expectations and did not follow through. No, there were more times than I could count. But this time was a D-BOM one. This time I finally got it through my skull. I finally got it that it has always been and will always be about him, that it was never nor would it ever be about me (or anyone else) and, most importantly, that I did not need or deserve to be treated like that.
I was furious, but today, not even a month later I can sit here, type this, smile to myself and say: It does not matter anymore.
It doesn’t matter anymore. Glad you got that!
Over the last 6 months I’ve had SO many D-BOM moments it’s not funny.
* I finally realized the shit that my parents and (soon-to-be ex) husband was just that, it was not true. I was and always have been insecure with low self esteem, whilst also being extremely perfectionistic and competitive and hard on myself.
* I realized I had to get the heck out of my marriage for my sanity and safety as my husbands abusive episodes increased
* I realized that my childhood was NOT sunshine as roses as I had believed all along
* I discovered that my (ex)husband has ADD (although he would never see anyone about this or admit to it) but I more than 100% sure he has it. I also think that I have elements of it myself.
* I discovered that a lot of my so-called friends were not really good friends at all. Not saying they were mean, nasty backstabbing people but just that we didn’t really have anything in common anymore and I can’t talk to them about personal and private stuff, and that my new friends are far better for that.
* Only recently I found out why throughout my entire life since the age of about 13 I had developed crush after crush and obsessional love with any man who entered my life through school, university, work, groups, other friends.. even if they were not interested in me in the slightest, and did not even know I existed. I had delusional fantasies about them and also why I developed a pattern of constantly choosing men who were totally BAD and WRONG for me! because I wanted to be in love so much I deluded myself I was in love (when I wasn’t) and that any man was better than none at all.
Well, I’m not that stupid, naive, dumb, anymore and getting stronger, more confident, smarter and more aware day by day. I can’t change the past or how my parents caused me so many problems by the (wrong) way that they brought me up but I’m definitely going to change my future to create a happy life for myself - finally! :D
Lucy - wow, I can totally relate to what you wrote here (except that I was not 13 but 25!). I had the SAME thing going on!
Our relationship was horribly dysfunctional right from the beginning. We were totally and utterly wrong for each other, but neither of us could completely pull away from the crazy dance we were doing with each other. And every time one of us would try to stop, the other one would find a way to pull the other right back in. I started this relationship when I was 13, and for the longest time, I thought that’s what “real love” made you do - act crazy and make you obsessed and unable to pull away from the other person because you were just “so in love.” So to make a long story short, it took me a REALLY long time to “get it” that this person was so horrible to me, and really needed to be out of my life. My abandonment issues were SO strong at that time (still there, but much less raging now) that I just couldn’t see it.
I finally realized how much I was only hurting myself when I dropped by the house we bought together to pick up something while my ex wasn’t there. 12 years together and broken up since the end of January. I stupidily looked in the windows to see all new “girly” things in the kitchen. It was like a slap in the face and I finally got it. The urge to contact has been so OCDish that I finally had to go to the Dr. and get help. 15 Days of no contact and I wish I had listened to my close friends about it. I am also very happy to find this website.