Mail. We Get Mail on Being Replaced
May 2, 2008 by susangpyp
Whenever you hear yourself say “It’s not about this…” Chances are: Yes it is. That’s exactly what it’s about. Happy Friday everyone!
Dear Susan:
I have been reading your blog for a few months now and it has really helped to hear your thoughts as well as other readers thoughts on everything relating to a breakup. I have some questions though, that I couldn’t really find anything specifically relating to on the blog – and I was wondering if you might give some insight. I don’t care if you mention this on the blog, but please do so anonymously. So, first my brief story – then the questions:
My boyfriend of several years broke up with me last summer (though, we were off and on for about 4 months following that) and the past 9 months have been absolutely miserable for me. I feel like my life was crumpled up, ripped up and put through the shredder – and now I’m desperately trying to put all the pieces back together, but nothing seems to fit or make sense. It’s still a mess and it feels like it might be broken forever.
I have been trying to do all of the “right things” - focusing on myself, no contact (since Jan), seeing a therapist, etc. But, I must admit – that the one thing I can’t seem to do is keep myself from looking at his Facebook page – and for that matter, his new girlfriend’s page. I am well aware that this is wrong and unhealthy and not beneficial to me or my healing in any way shape or form. But, I can’t seem to stop. I don’t know why I want to torture myself, I feel like I am obsessed. I keep finding out little things – like that they went on a vacation that was something we had planned to do together, or that he is friends with her siblings and he jokes around with them like he used to with my sister, etc. Every time I find out some bit of info, it is like a dagger in my chest and it is all I can think about for the rest of the day, or week even.
Now, I know this sounds like it is about Facebook – but it’s not really. It’s about dealing with my ex having a new girlfriend. Or not dealing, I suppose. The thought of being replaced so easily and so quickly by some random person – is the worst feeling ever. I wonder – what does she have that I don’t? Why is she the one he wants to be with? Is it a rebound or does he really like her? Love her? I think about how she will meet his family (the family that used to adore me), I think about how she is hanging out with his friends (the friends that I used to be friends with). I think about how all of these people are just replacing me with her, just like he is – and it doesn’t even matter to anyone but me. Mostly I think about them together…I wonder if he is like he was with me…if he says the same cute things, touches her in the same ways, feels the same emotions. And I find myself thinking terrible things about her – about this person who I don’t even know. I hate her for being what he wants. I secretly hope that this is just him rebounding and using her – and that he will toss her away like he did with me. I don’t feel like I will ever be okay with any of this…I don’t feel like I will ever be able to be happy for him that he has found a new love. I feel like all of this is keeping me from letting go and moving on…but I don’t know how to stop it.
I don’t know how to stop these thoughts, how to stop wondering, how to stop caring. I know that stopping the Facebook snooping would probably be a step in the right direction, but I feel like I already know so much and it’s not like I can just erase my mind. So, my questions for you are:
-How do I deal with the fact that he has a new girlfriend?
-How do I deal with the feelings and emotions of being replaced?
-How do I stop wondering and making assumptions about him and his life?
-How do I stop caring?
I am sorry this is so long…but I do hope you will find the time to read through it and comment on it if you can. I am at a loss of what to do…all of this is eating away at myself, my life and I don’t know how to break free. Please help me make sense of all of this, if you can. I will be eternally grateful for any insight you can bring to me. ~ Snooper
Dear Snooper:
EVERYTHING on this blog relates to your situation. Because everything on the blog is about FOCUSING ON YOU and MOVING ON. And those are the two things you’re not doing. The questions you are asking have to do with him and not you. The questions you are asking are about somehow easing your own mind that you meant something at some point and not about what am I going to do in the future.
You are completely focused on him. Almost every line in this email is about HIM and/or her. NOTHING about you. You are obsessed, fixated, and completely other-oriented at this time. Worse, you’re other-oriented on two people who could care less if you fell off the Earth tomorrow. Life is short. They’re busy living their lives and you’re busy watching them live their lives instead of focusing on you and your life and putting it back together.
You say this isn’t about Facebook but it is. Read the MySpace postings and STOP looking at it.
You are torturing yourself and focusing on them instead of focusing on you. You say you know so much and it’s not like you can erase your mind. Well, you have to take responsibility for the fact that you have put the very thoughts you are being plagued with inside your own head. We have a saying on the blog: Does it hurt when you do that? Don’t do that.
YOU KEEP DOING THAT.
You need to MAKE A DECISION to stop. You need to say STOP !!!when you have visions of him and her in your head. You need to turn your attention to you and stop wallowing in thoughts of him and her.
He is focusing on his life and getting on with his life. His girlfriend is getting on with her life. Every day they’re building a life together and what are you doing? Watching it build brick by miserable brick.
It doesn’t matter if he is rebounding or really in love. Have you read this post:
When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You?
Read it and repeat after me: IT DOESN’T MATTER IT DOESN’T MATTER IT DOESN’T MATTER
The emotions of being replaced are the same as all the other emotions of grief after a breakup. It’s hard and it hurts. But everyone is replaced, usually, at some point. EVERYONE. It’s not a good idea to watch the replacement toddle off into the sunset with your old love. There is NO good reason to pay admission to the fairy tale. None at all. Go see something else. Like your own life.
For anyone who is wondering if he or she misses you, the answer is simple NO HE OR SHE DOES NOT. You don’t like that answer? Why? So what if he or she IS missing you? What does THAT buy you?
What good would it do if he or she WAS missing you? None at all. He or she is not acting on it. He or she is content to let the feeling pass. He or she isn’t coming back. It doesn’t matter if he or she is sitting home pining away or frolicking on a Caribbean beach with Mr. or Ms. Hottie. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.
So missing you is worth NOTHING. Even if he or she did miss you it means nothing and gets you nowhere. The 2 billion dollar question IS: Why don’t YOU miss YOU? Where is your life? Where has it gone? If you don’t miss you and your life why would someone else? Forget anyone else missing you…YOU need to start missing you and what used to be or could be your life.
And stop torturing yourself with his life or the life you THINK he built, because you don’t know if the pretty postcards are really what his life is or not. You have NO idea. The only thing you know REALLY KNOW is that looking at it, fantasy or not, is making you nuts.
I said GOOD RIDDANCE to my ex over 20 years ago and am thrilled that he’s been enmeshed, I mean involved, with someone over these past 20 years. I have realized that he and I were not good together and that losing him was the best thing that ever happened to me. Thinking about our breakup makes me happy inside. :) But if he had a Facebook, I would NOT, repeat NOT be looking at it. Because what I think is good for him (a string of bad luck and misery every day of his life) is not what people post about on Facebook.
It’s a false picture in the same way that vacation pictures are false.
Did you take pictures of breaking down on the side of a road in the pouring rain in a country where no one speaks your language? No.
You took pictures of laughing, smiling faces on a boat on a sunny day. What goes on your MySpace or Facebook page? Look at us having a good time!!! It’s a skewed and often misleading picture. People don’t put their fights, disagreements, pet peeves and the day I threw the iced tea at him and stomped out on Facebook. They don’t put their doubts, their pressure, their issues with their partner on MySpace or Facebook and they don’t invite people over to look at the slides of their recent falling out. They show you the sunny side of the street. No matter WHO they are: don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides.
AND WHO CARES?
Are you ever going to know what is really going on? No you’re not. And do you need to know what is going on? No, you don’t. Why?
BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MATTER IT DOESN’T MATTER IT DOESN’T MATTER
I’m sure my ex has had sincerely happy times since we broke up. Do I want to see them and read about them? NO. Why? Because I don’t need that sort of masochistic behavior from myself. I don’t need to plunge myself into his life. I have my own life to worry about.
I AM A FULL-TIME JOB.
And becoming and then staying happy healthy and sane is MY RESPONSIBILITY TO MYSELF.
You have a responsibility to yourself. They don’t care about you and when you are engaging in this behavior YOU don’t care about you. So that makes THREE people who don’t care about you. But you have a responsibility to care and they do not. And you have a responsibility to NOT care about them. All the energy you put into them and what they are doing and when they are doing it and how they are doing it, is energy you could you be using to build your own new life.
What you are doing with this Facebook/new girlfriend obsession is to abdicate your responsibility to yourself. And that’s NOT OKAY. You say you’re focusing on yourself but you’re not. So long as this stuff is renting even a corner of your mind, it’s taking away from the work you need to do for yourself.
You haven’t done the grief work because of the replacement questions. When we work through our grief, we don’t care about being replaced. Or we don’t care in that it becomes a question that needs answering.
Now for your questions:
-How do I deal with the fact that he has a new girlfriend?
By doing your grief work, writing the Relationship Inventory, being good to yourself and staying off Facebook.
-How do I deal with the feelings and emotions of being replaced?
By doing your grief work, writing the Relationship Inventory, being good to yourself and staying off Facebook.
-How do I stop wondering and making assumptions about him and his life?
By doing your grief work, writing the Relationship Inventory, being good to yourself and staying off Facebook.
-How do I stop caring?
By doing your grief work, writing the Relationship Inventory, being good to yourself and staying off Facebook.
He is NOT the one for you. Do your work and move on so you can find the one for you. The one for you could have come by at some point in the past 9 months and you might have missed it because you’re so tied up in what he is doing and who he is doing it with.
You don’t have to be happy for him. That is not a requirement. You need to be happy for you and with you and you’re not there yet. You need to do the work to get there and be there.
By doing your grief work, writing the Relationship Inventory, being good to yourself and staying off Facebook.
TAKE CARE OF YOU. And know that every time you think about them or look at Facebook, you are betraying you again. Stop. Be good to yourself.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
YES YOU CAN - I have dealt with the same thing you are dealing with after a two year relationship failed and he quickly replaced me.
Great response Susan (as usual). Hit the nail on the head (as usual).
Many of us who post here have experienced (and done) the same things as your Blogger writes about. The advice is solid.
The sentence about looking at Facebook etc. is a betrayal to oneself gave me some insight on what it looks like to “be good to yourself”.
Can you give some other examples of what being good to yourself might look like. I know about finding interests, etc., but something about how you phrased the betraying oneself gave a new insight I hadn’t recognized…..so, more insight along these lines would really help me further identify my shortcoming as well as opportunities in healing.
Thanks!
Great post. I can relate to it as well. I went through a miserable year and a half after my breakup (where I was unexpectedly dumped for another girl) and I understand what Snooper is going through. I went through pure hell, but one thing I refuse to do is give my ex the pleasure of my EVER looking at any of his social network pages.
A couple of months ago, I discovered that he has a Facebook page and a Bebo page when I was looking up a friend of mine from work who had wanted to show me some pictures on there. He didn’t have these pages when we were together (at least not to my knowledge). I thank God for this site and Susan’s advice on the My Space Drama post or I may have found myself looking at his pages. The only thing that I saw on his pages (just the home page) was just a picture of him and his name, age, and city. I never “clicked” on the pages to really look at them or to read them because I knew it would torture me. I didn’t have any desire to hurt myself further by looking at happy loving pictures of the girl he dumped me for or whatever girl he is with now or any girl cyber “friends” who may be contacting him on those pages. I will throw my laptop out the window before I will ever look at those pages.
Susan is so right on with what people post on those pages anyway. They try so hard to make their lives look so exciting and happy and like they are so popular and have sooooo many friends and fun times and exciting world travels. This is a show for either strangers they are hoping to meet or anyone they know who may be looking.
Yes maybe my ex’s life is happier than mine. Maybe he is happy and sooo in love with the girl he replaced me with but you know hwat? HE never got dumped or hurt. I DID. But I’ll be damned if he ever gets the pleasure of flaunting what he did in my face or ever getting to see one of those pages from me. He doesn’t deserve to know what is or isn’t going on in my life anymore. Yes I still have some anger about the situation but I am trying my hardest to move on and find happiness again. Thanks so much for your great posts Susan.
Lisa Anne
Lisa Anne, I just want to say that you sound REALLY good. I’ve been on the site for the past half-year and have come across a lot of your posts.
You sound like you have really taken power back!! Good for you!!
Thanks MovingOn. I am doing much better over the situation with my ex. It took a very long time but I rarely hurt over what happened anymore and I no longer want HIM back as much as I want a new relationship but I am still really struggling with leftover issues from being hurt by him…trust issues, damaged self-esteem, “what’s wrong with ME that he dumped me” feelings, worrying about finding love again, etc. My concerns now are more about my life and what I am going to be doing in the future.
I feel that I am at a crossroads when it comes to my future and I don’t really know what decisions to make….if I should move to a new city and where, if I should get a different job, finding someone new to date, etc. I am busy getting back into shape (I let that lapse a bit after my breakup due to depression…lol), taking care of my health, spending time with my best friend and my family, etc. I’m going to Florida with friends in a couple of weeks and can’t wait to just lie on the beach for a week (under palm trees) and relax and contemplate my life…aaah! I need it.
No, I am not super happy (and in love) like my ex is I’m sure, and I’m not plastering happy photos all over social networking sites (so I guess he wins), but I am trying very hard to move on and hope to be happy again in the future. I really want to find love again too : )
Lisa Anne
You can definitely do this!!
I deactivated my facebook account after my 2+ year relationship ended. I did not want to make myself even more miserable. He already had quite a few of his ex’s as “friends” on his page. I personally did not care to make the list.
You don’t have to deactivate your facebook account, in my case I hardly used it anyway, but you can block or delete him from your page. If you have friends in common and you think you’ll check their pages to see what he’s up to, block them as well.
Definitely do the relationship Inventory and be as honest as you can. In my case I realized, I was all broken up thinking, I’ll never meet someone so wonderful again, it’s the end of my world…. and you know what, it turned out, what I had with my ex wasn’t all that extraordinary and that really helped me to start letting go.
It is hard, but you can do it. You can let go and move on with your own life.
Whenever my mind drifts to “what if he is in love again, having sex, happy, doing well, forgotten me - anything” I tell myself, “yes, he is doing all of that because he can.” Not because I am less or not enough - just because he can. No matter what he is doing does not diminish my value in the relationship. I don’t want to get creative by imagining any details of his current life and keeping off of his myspace page has helped blur the visions immensely. This is something I do FOR me that I have complete control of.
I find I slip sometimes into thinking that being a part of a pair is the ultimate or I am missing out on something that makes me whole. Unless you are a Siamese twin, you are a whole person created to be independent before, during and after a relationship. Sure having someone to share your life with is great and I want to have that again, but it will still be my life and my happiness.
When you hear,”water seeks its own level” realize someone else is now rolling in the mud (a Serenity-ism) with him and you have washed up and ready to do something different. Often I hear people pleading for relief (I did, and often) and I want to remind them that broken bones, like broken hearts, need time, attention and patience. Be nice to your broken heart/spirit, accept your pain, give it attention and realize this will heel if you let it. If you keep re-breaking it, it will never heal.
Jenny
Snooper,
I’m dealing with issues over “replacement” too, and I’ve come to realize a lot of that is based on incidents in my childhood when a new sibling was born and my mother, who had spoiled me with attention before, had to deal with a colicky baby. I wonder if your extra-extreme focus might also be rooted in childhood drama that is being piled on with what happened today.
Please do listen to what Susan says about grief work- I found in my situation that that is an element. The Grief Recovery Handbook is a good book to start your journey there.
And was your relationship somewhat extra intense or dramatic? Could you be replacing that drama or intensity with created drama by being the snooper? What totally exciting project could you put into your own life now to *replace* that useless ex and snooping? Do you want to travel the world as an English teacher? Do you want to make your own CD? Do you want to join an adventure group on Meetup and go whitewater rafting? MAKE A PLAN- MAKE YOUR OWN LIFE EXCITING.
And my suggestion is to DROP off of the online sites for now. Make a resolution to go on the wagon for at least a year.
And start re-programming your mind by saying/writing affirmations every day– Susan’s audio suggests it takes 30 days for them to imprint. You could be feeling so much better in thirty days. You might want to try:
“I am strong because I am focusing on my own positive life”.
I also recommend reading “Who’s the Sicker Person Here”.
Susan knows whereof she speaks.
Good luck! You can feel better! We are all making the journey in the Better, Different, More direction.
So two days ago would have been my anniversary with my ex. I have not had contact with him in nearly 5 months, but out of the blue, his best friend texts me to see how I’m doing.
Which bewildered me until I remembered (woo hoo, I had forgotten all about it) about our would-have-been anniversary. Then I realized the contact was probably at the very least prompted by my ex, if not my ex himself.
I once read “The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference” so I strive to be indifferent to him, and I’m .. maybe 70-80% of the way there. Part of me still hates him. Up to a week ago I was still capable of fantasies involving beating him with a hockey stick.
Now I’m starting to catch a glimpse of feeling like “Yeah, he hurt me and it changed my life, but it really doesn’t matter because I’m fine”
Yay Rebecca! Thanks for posting and showing us the light at the end of the tunnel.
OMG! That is what my relationship came to. It makes perfect sense. “The opposit of love isn’t hate, its indifference.” I will keep that one close. Is it a book or a Susan blog? The wisdom on this site is amazing!
Thank you - this made my day,
Jenny
It’s here Jenny
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2007/12/13/1213-tftd-on-friendship/
and a few other places but it’s not mine originally. An aunt of mine said this to me during my first serious breakup. I don’t know where she got it from.
Snooper,
I just thought of something that helps me feel better sometimes. It’s ironic, because it’s a little bit the opposite of what Susan says here, “If you say it’s not about…it probably is…” But she’s also going to be one of the first to say that there are quite a lot of things that are parent issues.
So, I’ve been telling myself today, “It’s not about that, it’s really about S (my ex-ex) and Dad.”
Which, truthfully, it really is. Although the X brought it all out in an explosion and some oozing icky stuff that only had to do with him.
But S is still with me as a friend. An excellent, supportive, cry-on-the-phone-to friend. And my dad is too. But my feelings do have so much more to do with them. So snooping, and imagining, are pointless. Don’t need to snoop on Dad. Do need to heal up that wound though. Do need to go through the grief properly for the failed relationship with S.
I always ask myself, “what am I really missing about the ex?” when a thought pops in my head. It’s almost always some made up fantasy of how I really wanted a relationship to be and when I really ask myself the questions and stick to the reality of what was really going on the answer is always I’m missing something about myself: (giving a surprise gift, hoping the ex would care/show real affection, hoping the ex would use reason/logic instead of double speak, etc.) I know the ex will miss me far more than I will ever miss the ex. But, I really don’t care, as Susan says, it doesn’t matter at all. Not one bit, nada. I don’t care, a decision was made on the ex’s part and it forced me to go down a road of discovering myself, my wishes, my desires, my freedom, my chance at something/someone better for me. So on the flipside of goodbye, I’m finally at content. I still get to wake up with myself, laugh, live, discover, become more interested in myself and give myself all the things I was giving away to the ex. I am becoming the person I want to be with and discovering that I’m all I really need. I’m learning to do all kinds of things for myself and I’ve found in the last few weeks that thoughts of the ex flow in and flow right back out, I don’t ruminate about them anymore, I simply say to the thougt, “it doesn’t matter, who cares? not me.” And off it goes into never never contact my ex land. Susan is so right, NOTHING is as it appears to be, it’s like a big production that the ex’s are showing everyone but the ’show’ isn’t making a profit and no one is going to see it. It’s cancelled sendication in my mind and the ex can go on playing their boring, no longer fun reruns with someone else. Good riddens to the ex’s. Who cares anyway, being apart of a ’show’ that was about dysfunction and false committment is a waste of my talents. Getting on with my life and fully realizing my potential is a far better use of my time. Ex’s don’t deserve realestate in our heads and hearts, they deserve the “SOLD” sign to someone other poor dysfunctional person that is only “REPLACING” my own dysfunction of where I was and who I was with my ex. That was an icky place for me, I wouldn’t even be attracted to my ex now that I’ve discovered and dealt with all the issues I brought to the relationship back then. Live on, live strong and love yourself….upgrade your next person because the ex is yesterday’s dysfunction. Replace them with a better model!
I can totally relate to this, especially since my ex’s new gf was his friend while he and I were dating and then a couple weeks after we broke up they started dating–I completely felt replaced. And the moron still wanted us to be friends.
One thing that helped me was to think about the things between he and I that did NOT work. Is it likely these same things will happen between him and his new gf? Absolutely. So why the heck am I jealous??? They probably have the same dysfunctional relationship that he and I had.
And at some point you WILL finally be happier without him. I really don’t miss him now. I don’t miss feeling crazy and miserable. I hope he’s well but I don’t want to see him, talk to him or know anything about what he’s doing. I’m living my life.
It does get better!
Serenity: you are correct in that when we’re being introspective and in our own lives, it’s not usually about THAT person. The grief that came up in my first separation was NOT about him…at least not about the liar/cheater/abuser but about my initial abandonment by my biological mother, the subsequent abandonment/abuse by my adoptive parents and the loss of the dream of what I thought it could be (though had I two brain cells to rub together I would have realized we did not have the components to make it THAT [the fantasy]).
So you’re right and that is a VERY good point!!!
…it’s usually not about THAT, it’s about something more, something deeper. But on the other side of the coin, as a therapist I have always blanched when we’ve been over something and a client comes to me and goes, “Oh I know you’re going to say it’s X, but it’s not…” chances are YES IT IS.
And that’s what I heard here…this isn’t about Facebook…and my initial response is: Oh yes it is!!!
I used to have a mentor who would tell me to let go, then when I had a hard time would say hold on….then when I would go to support groups and meetings tell me, “Those who speak tend to get better.” and then tell me that sometimes I needed to shut up and listen.
AND I WOULD STOMP MY FEET AND GO, “WHICH IS IT??? Is it hold on? Is it let go? Is it speak? Is it don’t speak??”
And my mentor said: “It’s all those things. Size up the situtaion and choose.”
:)
One time, early on, I was meditating or trying to meditate as I’ve never been very good at it…but this day I was just letting my brain do whatever and this image of me dragging a hot, stinking pile of poo to her house and leaving it on her porch and ringing the bell and saying, “Here ya go. You wanted it. You got it. Enjoy!” and walking away light as a feather without the stinking pile of poo to drag around any longer.
I opened my eyes and went hysterical with laughter.
Susan, Oh so true, giving that pile of poo to someone else is such a wonderful thiing we do for ourselves. Telling ourselves we deserve more than the crumbs is the best message to ourselves. I often think, let the new person in the ex’s life have to deal with all the insecurity and nonsense now, the new person didn’t win a thing, more like the ‘dud’ in that old board game when we’d open the door to see who we won! I can’t remember that game but it’s pretty much true, we had a dud in our lives and now we get to shut the door and open the door to ourselves, the real prize.
It is a hard thing to feel like you’ve been replaced but on the flip side, I feel so good about it now. It was all about me feeling like I didn’t deserve better and the ex supporting my low self esteem by telling me I couldn’t do better. I feel sorry for anyone that will go down that same road I went down but you know what….”it doesn’t matter!” I just LOVE to say that now. At first I hated this whole process and now I just love it. I love saying to myself, “what am I going to discover about myself today? What can I improve about myself today? What can I give myself today that I would at one time wanted to give away to my ex?” I vision an inner flashlight searching myself internally and finding all these neat little ’spots’ of myself fearfully hidden in the dark and giving them attention. It’s new to focus all my attention on myself and it’s hard, but it’s also a blast. Again, the information you share on this site has been instrumental in getting my head on straight and keeping my side of the street clean. I hope you are feeling better.
The feeling of being replaced hurts on so many levels. It make me question my own value in the relationship (how important could I have been to him if I’m so easily and quickly replaced by someone else?), but it also hurts me because, as you said, I’m not concentrating on my own growth and life choices. I’ve discovered that boundaries aren’t just something you put up to protect yourself from other people (the ability to say no) but much of the time, boundaries are things you must put up to protect YOU from YOU. The ability to say “no” to obsessing over what he’s doing and how he’s feeling. Not indulging every whim to call him, or sit around fantasizing about what he’s doing now with this other person — I think the most important boundaries are the ones you have to set up for yourself. Right?
That my wife fell in love with someone else while we were married has been hard enough, but the unfortunate part of all this is that I truly, deeply miss her, like she had died. Her uniqueness was/is incredible and in spite of every soul in the world who tells me there will be someone else for me in the future, deep down, I feel it will never measure up to what I feel/felt towards her. I haven’t found a way to stop missing her, in spite of the fact that I’ve been replaced.
Words right out of my mouth/diary, Snooper.
Another friend of mine had gone through the same break-up drama a couple of years back. She is helping me tremendously through my process. She didn’t even have this website to lean on. But she came out of it, and now she is helping me. Most of us Indians usually have rather ‘frowned upon’ idea of western relationships. I remember during one of our talks, she asked me, ‘it must be easier for women over there (in the west) to get over such breakup since they don’t care much’. I remember saying, ‘the feeling of being replaced is quite universal’ and goes beyond gender as well. It all depends upon how much you were attached. Mind you, not necessarily healthily attached. Just attached. The more attached/involved you were, the more is the loss.
Question to ask is: why was I so much involved? Why were you, Snooper?
It’s been 2 months since my breakup and my X getting a new toy. So, I am very much in the process still. And my mind, being very active when it comes to X, conjures up different ways to stay in the situation. See, Indians mostly use Orkut (by google) as social networking site. Same categroy as Facebook. By some stroke of luck, the new toy doesn’t have an Orkut page and my X isn’t very active there. I know it because I checked… Quite vigorously. Even went through the messeges people wrote in each other’s profile to see if anyone is talking about it. When that didn’t help, since I couldn’t find a trace of them on Orkut, I started reading horoscopes! For him and for me. It doesn’t matter that I don’t even care for horoscopes. It doesn’t matter that I never remembered any one particular horoscope. I keep on reading and torturing myself till I find at least one horoscope where his future looks worse than mine! When I find that his horoscope is predicting good for him while mine is predicting hardships, I just break down with a whiny “Why me”…
It’s only this week that I finally got it in my head that what’s true about Facebook/Orkut is true about horoscopes as well: it is a picture portrayed to you in the words that you want the world think about your life. And those horoscopes that predict my hardship are right, because, I AM PUTTING IT IN MY PATH.
Also, it’s like Cat says (comment # 14). What do I miss about the relationship? It’s the fantasy that I had about a relationship that’s not going to be true ever. It’s what I wanted the relationship to be that’s not going to BE ever. It is NOT what the relationship actually WAS. Didn’t you say, you were on and off for 4 months after the break-up? Why? Does that not look dysfunctional to you?
I think today is the first time ever, I have got in my head what Susan has been saying all along: focus on the “I”. That is, heart is not too far behind the brain in understanding it.
For about a week after the breakup, know what my affirmation was (though I didn’t think of it in terms of affirmation)? Whenever I used to be alone, I used just say my name over and over again. “I am (my name)”. Every time I say it, it just shifts the focus from anywhere to me. Haven’t done it for a long time now. This week was a bit of grief recycling. Only just a bit. But I should start up on that little affirmation at the least…
Serenity,
Interesting point about the drama in life. Yes, I think our relationship was quite a bit drama-filled. Are you saying me being focussed on X is just a replacement of that drama? Interesting thought… And possibly true. I need to find a better drama.
Michael,
It is painful what you are goiing through. You feel rejected and less than because she has chosen someone else.
How long ago did this happen? Are you in the early stages of your grief or has it been some time?
You have come to the right place for support and insight. Everyone here has experienced/is experiencing the pain of lost love.
For now, don’t focus on the “someone else in the future”. Focus on you….which includes looking at all aspects of the marriage, and you and how you can grow, learn and move on.
With some work you will will get to a place where you won’t hurt as much and will open yourself up to new possibilities.
I still would like Susan to give us more examples of what being good to ourselves looks like…..I know this is an important part of our healing.
Hang in there Michael!
Mayee,
You’re sounding so much more you! That is great.
And maybe you are finding that there is a bell going off in your head when you hear me say that sometimes our crazy virtual-breaking-of-NC or “snooping”, or in my case, obsessive thoughts, is a way of replacing the drama of the relationship with our own version of drama that only needs one cast member: the mind. I’m not going to take credit for this idea; this comes from a book that I’d been reading- which, despite its chichi name “Extreme Breakup Recovery” is not too bad.
I wouldn’t recommend it alone for someone suffering from strong attachment/codependence/trauma, but it really does have some good points and exercises in it. It didn’t help me when I was only a few months into this process, though, its maybe more for someone who’s at least in the rage stage. But anyway, when I read that question- are you putting drama into your own life with obsession etc. about the past relationship (my wording here)? I thought, hmm. Maybe some.
I read something else on breakupgirl.com which was interesting…breakup girl suggested that sometimes we let ourselves become our pain…she talked about how she had a miserable cold, and everyone was asking about her, and that was what her whole day was about…and then the cold was over and…!! There was a kind of emptiness. So in a way, snooping/obsessing/etc. could be a way of still avoiding what we have to deal with…our own lives, and perhaps a lack of content and self in them.
Snooper,
It was as if I had written the letter you wrote to Susan. I can relate to every word of it….every painful pang felt when I was replaced suddenly and he had become everything I was. I was as obsessed as you are (back in January/Feb)… It was so hard to stop thinking about him or them together. So hard to want to keep checking their website to see the latest going on etc…. It didn’t take me long to realize that it really was over and he had decided to move on and that I was the only one causing this pain to myself. I kept reading blogs here and took Susan’s advice to stay off any digital imprint of the ex… because that only would hurt me. I have been to a few counselling sessions as well and was advised the same.
It is very hard to stop because inside it’s like you’re ripped apart and walking on your hands instead of your feet … plus… you don’t want to stop…you want all this that happened to be a mistake and that he’d realize and come back etc. etc….
Unfortunately…..to save yourself, there is no choice but to start focussing only on yourself…for all the reasons Susan has mentioned here…. because he or she…they DON’T CARE about you… it’s very sad and harsh, but true! They don’t… so you’re the only one you got and you can’t let yourself down.
Please start by not looking at his Facebook page…everything else will follow.
Good Luck,
Anna
These are very good posts. I find myself ruminating a lot, even though I try to concentrate on all the good things about him being gone. He is quite a blend of Cluster B disorders. We were married for 25 years before the divorce was final last summer. It is depressing - he moves on with the high paying career I helped him get, various new women and trips, etc., and I start over with a low paying job and finishing raising our kids alone at age 50. I feel so ugly and unwanted. My friends are all married to their original husbands. Does it take longer to recover when the relationship was the length of your entire adult life? Maybe it is more of a competition I feel, or revenge - I want him to suffer, as we have and will suffer far into the future. I can’t get those years back and make up for what I’ve lost.
Dear Journey (I won’t say Uncertain Journey because I do not want to reinforce any negative thinking). You are on a journey and with some work it will, with certainty, be better.
You can’t get years back but you have a huge future in front of you that you can make even better than your past.
How about this….you are smarter than you were when you were 20, you have the benefit of experience. You will be happier, you have the joy of your children and an opportunity to create an even better life for yourself.
You have come to the right place for support and inspiration. With the support of your family, friends and others (including people on this site), hopefully your journey won’t feel so lonely.
UJ, time is time, past is past, all we really have to live is now. One of my best friends is close to your age, had a long marriage, did something similar in terms of support, is now living in the small house while he has the gigantic one and the big money. But she is super happy now, has lots of friends, has a great new relationship, and she is much more herself. And the ex is making someone else miserable.
First off, thank you to Susan for your straight forward and honest response (and for coining the nickname “snooper” - ha). I must say that at first I thought - “wow, she is being so harsh” - but, then I realized that the only reason I thought that was because everything thing you said was so on target. Sometimes it is hard to hear the truth, I guess.
Secondly, thanks to everyone else for your comments, encouragement and advice. It was shocking to me to check this site yesterday and find that 20+ people had responded to the obsessive ramblings of a person they don’t even know. I guess I’ve gotten pretty jaded lately about the good in people…so thanks for renewing my faith in that.
Now, for the response to the responses… I know that the facebook thing is a big factor in my issues at the moment…and I am going to do everything I can to stop looking and stop torturing myself. The thing is though…that it is really difficult to find the will power and self control that I once had…it seems to have disappeared along with my ex. I want to stop looking, stop obsessing, stop caring…but it is so much easier said than done. I hear some of you say - how it wasn’t worth it to you to put yourself through the pain, so you just didn’t do it anymore - and I don’t understand how to get to that place. Am I lacking self respect? Do I somehow enjoy the pain? I can’t make any sense of it.
The other thing I want to respond to - is what Susan said about “IT DOESN’T MATTER”. This is another tough one for me to grasp fully. I know that it SHOULDN’T matter…and I don’t WANT it to matter…but in all actuality, IT DOES MATTER. A LOT. Am I just supposed to lie to myself and pretend that it doesn’t matter? Am I just supposed to forget about how the person I just spent the last 3 years of my life with and who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with - tossed me away like a piece of garbage? How do you just forget something like that? And how on earth do you make it NOT MATTER?
Just to put it out there, I have done a lot of grief work (still in the process obviously) and I have also done my version of the “Relationship Inventory” - before I even knew about this site. I have spent endless hours talking it all over with friends and family and now I am seeking the help of a therapist. I suppose I just haven’t done enough yet though. So…I will keep on it. I plan to do Susan’s version of the “Relationship Inventory” tomorrow…and I also plan on taking a break from the “snooping” starting tomorrow as well. Let’s hope I have the amount of strength, courage and willpower to see it all through….and to eventually get to the place where IT NO LONGER MATTERS.
Thanks again to everyone.
Hi Snooper: thanks for checking in!!!
It really has to be a decision you make to not look at Facebook. It’s not a matter of trying, it’s a matter of not doing it no matter what. Think of a few other things to do when you want to look. Get up, go for a walk, take a shower, do SOMETHING other than look at it. As I said in the MySpace Drama post, it’s an addiction and like any addiction, it’s going to be tough and feel uncomfortable to break. It doesn’t just happen.
Are you just supposed to forget him? Yes you are. It’s not a matter of “just forget them” but that is the goal. He’s forgetting about you, that is for sure. Many other people have to forget longer relationships and many relationships that result in children and houses and entwined families.
The fact that he “tossed you away like a piece of garbage” is the reason to forget it.
And the part about it not mattering is for you. It doesn’t matter why or how or what he’s doing now. IT DOESN’T MATTER and as long as you fight that sentiment, it’s going to be tough. You have to change your thinking that this person who tossed you away like garbage DOES NOT MATTER. It’s not a matter of lying about it, it’s a matter of changing your thinking and perception about it. You’re still SO focused on him and his betrayal and you have got to focus on you.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!
Snooper, when Susan says “it doesn’t matter,” what that means is, it’s none of your business. It’s none of your business what the ex is doing, it’s no longer a concern of yours. He can do whatever he wants, whenever and to whomever. Period. You’re not suppose to lie to yourself, you have to understand you’re lying to yourself NOW by believing it does matter to you, when the truth is, it’s none of your business.
Think of it in other ways, for example, does it matter to you what your boss makes in salary? NO. Why not? Because it has nothing to do with you, you don’t get to spend the money, it’s not your salary, therefore, it doesn’t matter. Same thing with the ex. You don’t get to make his choices, you don’t get to tell him how to run his life and what YOU think is best for him, because it’s HIS life, not yours. SO…..it doesn’t matter.
I remember my ex was contacting MY friends and I was livid, I was working on totally seperating my life from the ex. So I decided I could control the ex and calll the ex to give a piece of my irrational thinking. A friend at that time told me I can’t control what the ex does, only how I respond. Because, it doesn’t MATTER, it’s none of my business! My business is my business…your business is your business….your ex’s business is your ex’s business.
Why do you want someone that threw you away? I don’t think you enjoy the pain you feel when you snoop, however, it is a habit/obsession. Telling ourselves NO is the hardest thing but that’s what you have to do with any habit/obession, you parent yourself. You say to that inner compulsion: “NO, you cannot go snoop around in someone else’s business. It doesn’t matter and you will not do this anymore.” Then you replace the habit with something good, like go balance your checkbook or something, get your side of the street in order.
I personally know from experience that obession takes up a lot of our time and that means a lot of things in our life get neglected, like our bills, like cleaning our houses, so there are plenty of things to choose from to replace a bad habit with something that will make you feel good. In the beginning process I started with a few simple mantra’s. One was from the song on The Biggest Loser, I’d ask myself, “what have you done today to make yourself proud?” And then I had another simple thought I could repeat when I felt obessive, “just one thing,” which I would focus on to get myself on track toward a replacement habit/obession.
I hope this works, but ultimately, it’s up to you. No prince is coming to save you, no one is going to do this for you, there’s no pill, there’s no magic, there’s only reality: Change a behavior that isn’t working for you anymore.
Yeah, what they said. It doesn’t matter what hes thinking, doing or who he is with. It doesnt matter because it is NOT your business. Your life is your business. TEND TO IT.
“Threw me away like garbage” : Yeah, and aren’t you mad about that? Why would you care what hes doing? Why keep sticking fiery pokers in your eyes? Why the self flagellation?
He threw you away like garbage and you are continuing to treat yourself like garbage when you obsess on him.
Treat yourself well now. Hes alreaddy screwed you over. Dont you screw you over.
Well, I really see where Snooper’s coming from because I’m dealing with something similar now and still in the process.
It matters, because we gave away too much to them- we made their opinion matter more than our own. Someone else’s choices made primacy in our lives; someone else was even allowed to override our own judgement. We have echoes from the past about not being good enough. We’re awfully possessed by someone else; there’s another voice in our heads that shouldn’t be there. So that’s why it matters. It’s a frickin habit of mind— a giant toxic highway running down through the mind.
Here’s two mind-games I’m playing to start sledgehammering that highway away– and that’s how hard it seems:
1) Think of someone else in the past who I broke up with, and who I moved on from. Feel how I really don’t worry/don’t care what he’s up to. Try to transfer that feeling to the present situation. (It’s so *much* harder because being ‘replaced’ hits one of my primal childhood drama buttons…no one ever overlapped and replaced me…no one ever told me about how I didn’t measure up for them…idiot…but I never dated such a messed up banahead before either).
2) Take the information from my relationship and life inventories (especially the last) to realize that I’m not really upset about that banahead. I tried over and over to win his approval– and now someone else won it by breathing…But what I really wanted was to win my father’s approval.
So Snooper, I totally understand how you’re locked into the whole “mattering” problem. See if you can play some mind games so that you can start reconfiguring your mind in a way that gives you less pain. If we can start chipping away at Pain Expressway, then we can get off on the “It doesn’t matter at all” exit. And start to live in “I Matter” county.
AND STOP GOING INTO THE LIQUOR STORE! Cancel your Facebook account. Just CANCEL it. And start doing some other obsessive hobby that takes up a lot of your mind- like designing a garden or writing a novel, or something!!! Something else!!
Oh, one more idea. In Susan Anderson’s book, she suggests writing a different ending to one’s relationship, purely fiction, where YOU end it the way you would want it to end (but it has to be your choice to end it). This helped me a little. I wrote it in my journal.
Snooper,
I guess I’ve never had much success at stopping something I don’t want to stop, or feel I can’t stop — for now. But you might be able to make the obsession your own. How?
Treat the looking at the Facebook(?) and fantasies about your ex and his new Ms. Something as a job. Just as you go to most jobs during such and such hours, you might create time slots for you to look and fantasize about your ex and his new one. Say, between 4PM and 6PM you go to the website, or you just sit down in an easychair and really indulge yourself in the thoughts or fantasies about them or him.
I’m not kidding. And I’m not making fun of you either.
My obsessions have been serious business in my life. And since I’ve often not been able to will them away; rather than feel shame or lack of control over NOT BEING able to stop, I go to a place of “acceptance”, a very healing concept for me. The way I can express the acceptance — as weird as it might seem — is to reframe how I think about the obsession and HOW I do the obsession.
Alternatively, instead of thinking about the obsessive thinking and your compulsive behavior (checking about Facebook) as a job that go to and want to do well, you could think about the time you spend obsessing or acting out as a vacation. A vacation you’re treating yourself.
Gimmicky? Maybe. Bizarre. It’s possible. But the goal is to get out of your misery, right? Hey, however nutty this may sound, you may be able to trick your misery into working for you, rather than against you.
Just a thought.
Been where you are.
Seeif
Susan,
BTW, this is a rockin’ post!
Elie Wiesel first said, “The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.”
Thanks Seeif!!! I heard it first from my aunt and it surprises me that she would quote Wiesel. And that I didn’t know it was his quote after studying him for 2 semesters in undergrad! Thanks for the attribution!
Snooper,
My take is that your obsessing is just busy work to avoid accepting that it’s really over between
you and him and, most importantly, how bad you really feel
about that fact. When we get dumped, we tend to spend some
time trying to make sense of it. We look for clues, answers,
closure and so on. We are in shock and denial. How soon
and how well we move into acceptance and really begin
grieving and healing from the loss depends on how soon we
become *aware* (and admit to ourselves) that we are
obsessed because it is a way to stay hooked into the ex and
our past with him/her. You are not allowing yourself to
emotionally breakup with him as long as you are obsessing
about him. Serenity’s suggestion to rewrite the ending of
your relationship could be very helpful here–in this new
ending YOU could be the one to dump him. It would be
symbolic of you CHOOSING to emotionally exit the
relationship.
What you are feeling is all of the crud
that comes from reliving the drama of the breakup and
his new life–none of it is about feeling sad
about the loss of the dream with him because you still
are still holding onto the dream on some level. He’s still the
emotional center of your world, even though he’s no longer
in your world except as your obsession.
Rita brilliantly said here not too long ago, and I paraphrase,
that having contact (snooping on him counts as contact,
even if its one-way) is like having your dog die and
your mom tell you that you can still keep it if you
want to.
You are holding onto that ex of your’s like a dead dog.
When you decide to bury the dog (the relationship)
and really begin to mourn the loss, that is when your
your focus will turn to you and your new life without
him.
Cancel Facebook. Rewrite the ending with YOU
breaking up with HIM and doing some really fabulous
things with your life that have absolutely NOTHING to
do with him. Cancel. Write. Dream new dreams.
Write some more.
You can do it!
Susan - your aunt may have heard him say it on Oprah. I remember him saying on her show — a couple of years ago. When I saw it here today, I looked it up on the internet. I wasn’t sure if it originated with him. I believe it was listed under ” Elie Wiesel’s quotes”. One of his underlying political messages is that if we are indifferent to injustice then we are complicit with it. But you probably know that.
I do remember considering the quote about love and indifference for a very long time, when he said it on Oprah. It’s a pretty powerful humanitarian message, aside from the political.
Here are a few more of Wiesel’s quotes from that site:
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim…Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented…
and
There are times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest…
and, my favorite:
Words can sometimes, in moments of grace, attain the quality of deeds.
Hi Seeif: I have a lot of his quotes on here and other places. I was 18 when she said it to me and Oprah was just a gleam in some tv executive’s eye so she definitely did not hear it on Oprah…she’s been gone since 1989. That is why it surprises me that she knew it. I never got along with her and yet in this moment of intense pain over a very abusive horrible guy she said those words to me and they have always helped me.
I believe Susan’s aunt expressed deep wisdom. The same wisdom formulated by Hjalmar Söderberg
” We want to be loved, if not subsequently admired, if not subsequently feared, if not subsequently contempt and hated. We want to infuse some sort of emotion, we want
connection as the soul shiver with the void ”
Free from Doctor Glas, a novel by Hjalmar Söderberg, tells the story of a physician who deals with moral and love issues.
And Glas is glass: like the diary form itself it’s a reflecting surface, a mirror in which one sees oneself. It’s hard and impermeable, but easily shattered; and, from certain angles, it’s transparent. This last quality is one of Glas’s complaints; he can only fall in love with women who are in love with someone else, because their love makes them radiant; but their love for other men means that Glas himself is invisible to them. So it is with Mrs Gregorius: she is having an adulterous affair with another man, and can’t “see” Doctor Glas. She can only see through him, making of him a means to the end she longs for.
Susan: I’m stumped. Maybe it’s from some greater work like the Old Testament or Shakespeare. Maybe Wiesel’s quote is a reformulation of something similar to what your aunt heard. Heck, maybe Wiesel quoted your aunt…
It’s like Franklin Roosevelt’s famous quote, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” I think that’s derived from an even older quote of Montaigne’s.
If anybody has access to the Oxford English Dictionary (online version), we could probably find out that way.
I have a dictionary of cliches but it mostly has ones like, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” etc.
Hi - I have been reading this site a year now (today is 1 year of Ex breaking up with me). I clawed my back through loneliness etc - got a new GF - we moved in together - but now it looks like we are breaking up and I am moving again. Glad to see the site is still as helpful as it was before. Thanks everyone. - Bill
OOPS - that should read “I clawed my way back through loneliness” !
Snooper, this is a bit of a delayed reaction but hope it helps.
My ex didnt like any of the social networks I asked him to join when we were still together. To cut a long story short he did give in and joined Facebook but only had me as his friend, he was never into those, he just wanted me to stop convincing him to join. Then he broke up with me, and he asked me to leave him alone, stop emailing him, or calling him and after a while I did, I also deleted him as friend on Facebook. Last week, he rejoined Facebook and I received it on my mini-feed, no, he hasnt requested to add him as my friend, and that I am expecting him to. Anyway, I didn’t want to look but curiousity got the better of me, and since I couldnt look at his profile, I just viewed who he added as friends, he has friends and their mostly women, he himself who said in the past that he doesn’t have female friends, how things change quickly. I am hurt a little bit but still, it’s a mistake allowing even that tiny urge to find out what he’s been up to when I am already doing so much better since I got dumped 10 months ago.
This is about YOU now, not him. He no longer matters, it’s all about YOUR life, your happiness, not his. Stay focused, we are all in this together.
Susan -
Your comments about people not posting the negative things on their Facebook/Myspace pages made me laugh out loud. I’ve stopped looking at his myspace - but if what’s on there is all the “happy stuff” in his life, then I’m much better off than he is anyway - teehee! But seriously, thanks for the reminder to stop comparing my insides to someone else’s outsides. It’s sometimes a hard concept to grasp! :)
Lucy
Thanks so much for taking the time and making the effort to run this blog! I cannot put into words just how much your words have resonated with me, I am thankful to you, especially on those days when I truly believe I can’t do it, or know how to break free. Have a good one! S
Well i must say that I am lucky that my ex does not know how to use a computer so he does not use facebook or myspace or anything online.
But I have gotten other reminders of him that I did not anticipate. One of his long time friends called me to let me know that she was moving and that I could come and visit her whenever I wanted. Does he not tell them that we are not together. I left her a vm and that was that.
Then his sisters bf is my dad’s boat mechanic and I ran into him on the way out of the house the other morning. It was tough and I did not ask about him just basic chat.
I know this is wrong but I just wish that he would still call me so I would feel better. Even though I have not returned his phone calls from 3 weeks ago I have maintained NC throughout 6 weeks so far.
I can totally relate to this topic though.