Check-in Thread 4/27
April 27, 2008 by susangpyp
A lot of readers are doing “check ins” in various threads so I thought I would start a new thread every Sunday for everyone to check in and say hi, report progress, ask questions, send shout outs etc. Feel free to use this thread throughout the week for conversations and checkins. No subject except how’re YOU doing? :)
I’m doing better, I think. You can probably tell I was feeling better yesterday from the fact that I was blogging and answering emails. I was thinking that perhaps I inadvetently passed the stones without my knowledge but today I feel not as well as I did yesterday. So I’m not sure.
Yesterday I stayed in bed but had my laptop with me to tap out various things throughout the day. I tried to veg out to TV and was just flipping through the channels watching a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I almost passed something watching John Pinette’s “I Was Starving” on Comedy Central. It’s been a long time since I laughed so hard I was crying.
Hubby went out and got us dinner. I sat with my daughter for a while talking about 9th grade drama. There is much more than when I was in 9th grade and I thought there was a lot back then! The Freshmen Formal is coming up and she doesn’t have a date. She’s cute and smart and nice and funny and the only one in her group who doesn’t have a boyfriend.
She said she doesn’t mind as she’s picky but she doesn’t want people to think she CAN’T get a boyfriend. I said, “Gina, if you’re a female there is some guy out there that only requires that you have a pulse for him to be interested. If you’re a smart, cute, nice 14 year old you can’t swing a cat without finding some boy that is interested. Believe me, they’re interested and everyone knows it. Stay selective.” She nodded and seemed to feel reassured. She is really picky (THANK YOU THANK YOU) but sometimes falters in her conviction that it’s the way to be.
It also might be hard for her to find the boy to bring home to the overprotective Italian father and the 3 overprotective Italian brothers who are all built like linebackers. The four of them will be sitting there with the scowl on when she brings the first boy home. And then there’s me who will have my antenna up sniffing out dysfunction. It will take a special kid to walk through these doors and face this group of inquisitors. He will so have his work cut out for him. I think she has not found anyone she likes well enough to put through that. :) She explains to people, “My parents are strict and my brothers are all a bit crazy.” That just about sums it all up and might just be the thing keeping the boys away. Works for us.
I was watching “I love the 80s” on VH1 yesterday and I realized my ex screwed up that entire decade for me. But the good news is that no longer do I give up DECADES for someone who doesn’t deserve even a minute of my time. Sheesh. What was I THINKING???? :) Well at least I got the following decades back! Some people never see the light.
Happy Sunday all! Feel free to share whatever in this thread!
This is a great idea Susan! Thanks so much.
I feel excited at the moment, because of something new that´s happening in my head. I used to often get huge waves of regret and flashes of how I imagined things would turn out with my ex, now I am just starting to get flashes that once I am really past the grieving the things that bother me SO MUCH about the future won´t be important anymore. Whole chunks of sadness and regret are going to fall away! I couldn´t imagine not having this much sadness in my head before, now I get flashes of a whole different future that doesn´t include those feelings. I noticed this after reading this blog a LOT over Christmas. I got flashes, very obvious visuals in my head, about my progress. I “saw” in my mind´s eye a huge heavy object, it was kind of blurry and indistinct, but it was very heavy, and it moved a couple of inches, like watching an enormous freezer in a factory shifting to the left a little. I knew from then on that the process had started. A few weeks later I got a flash of it being very loose, so then I sped up the process by focussing on pushing it off a bridge into a river, and having it dissolve! I know it´s just images, but honestly the first two appeared in my head by themselves, are were directly related to the amount of relief and wonder I was getting from thinking about lots of things due to this blog. Thanks again Susan.
I´m not sure if anyone is interested, but part of the process for me was deciding, while I had a couple of weeks free early January, to also follow a raw food diet while working through lots of the grief. I thought I may as well try to change everything at once, and that if I was going to be so upset by working through that old stuff I may as well be good to myself physically. And I think it helped the whole “detox” process. Worth thinking about if you are doing the mental detox anyway …
dolores
Thanks Dolores for the great post. when I’m under stress I take sugar and refined foods out of my diet. It just keeps me more “even” and I eat better. I also don’t do fast food at all EVER (no McD’s or BK or KFC).
I was watching all these reality shows Make Me A Super Model, Make My Child A Star etc etc
Susan should do one called Make Me An Emotionally Healthy Person.
LOL
Thanks for this post. I was feeling down and anxious and, as I try to do now when I feel that way, I checked this blog.
I’m over the ex now (going on 3 weeks of NC! and it feels great!), but still just have feelings of insecurity that never seem to go away and am feeling down that I’m never going to find anyone. I know that isn’t true. I will find someone. It’s just hard to stop the thoughts once they get going.
No one ever knows what life has in store. Be prepared and then be surprised.
Today I am working on the Relationship Inventory. I made the mistake of checking my ex’s LJ yesterday after having NC for a couple of weeks. I had noticed that she and her new gf were reading my blog and that made me wonder… blah.
So last night I cried/sobbed and had a hard time sleeping. I decided it was time for me to get on with my life. I’m tired of wallowing in the heartache.
Went with a friend and was listening to a seminar about loving kindness. Was very sad when I went, missed my ex. Then after listening and doing a short midfulnessmeditation I got new energy. Annyone intereted in meditation visit:
http://www.wildmind.org/
learn and dowload some mediations if you get inspired
There was a time when the grief of the breakup felt like an ocean during a hurricane-wave after wave of torment, seeming to never come to an end - then one day, after a long period of NC and journaling then waves got smaller and smaller-till now there is hardly a ripple and after all that finally at peace with myself and toward the ex…and it feels wonderful.
A difficult week due to a crazy landlord situation and resulting lack of sleep; made a lot of big decisions.
Think we should all have big GPYP parties all over the country (s) :) .
Today was good. Went to an Al-Anon meeting and had quiche with two women friends at a locally owned coffee house. On the way to my meeting I ran into an acquaintance who liked the pendant I was wearing (which I made), and ordered one for next week.
Got my business cards which have my photo of tidal pools on it. I like the card and the photo. Amazing! It took me foreeeever — four months — to overcome my fear of even going to the business card site to look over the EXISTING templates, much less design my own. So it feels fantastic to just have ANY card. But I was pleased with how they turned out. For all you computer babies and natural computer folks out there, this phobia may seem silly but for me, going to the site was like somersaults in the air. Now, that it’s done, of course, I think, What was all that about? It was fear. Fear. Great big, giant fear.
I also delivered a painted piece to one of my buyers. And she liked it (loved it.)
I’m realizing that I know what my passion(art stuff) is, but the recovery work now is maintaining that passion. Continuing to support myself in my belief: I matter enough to make and sell something that matters to me. And this is a daily effort: to maintain that faith in myself; to believe my creative endeavors are worth doing — in the larger-universe-scheme of things.
Susan, thanks for this thread. It’s really nice hearing updates on how people are doing. Hope you’re feeling better. (Have you ever considered using cod liver oil compresses on your back. Putting compresses, with linen soaked in cod liver oil, have been used throughout the ages– in Asia and Africa — to heal common ailments like gallbladder stones.) I’ve used them to jump start my immune system — and it really helped. I used to have a book called something like “The Healing Oil” that explained how it works and for what.
Serenity — Sorry about the landlord troubles. I can relate.
Susan, my ex is a fuzzy memory these days. And I wrote some on the progress I’ve made, and my process. I hope to email it to you this week for your progress/process thread.
Newbies, just know it gets better. The pain does subside. You WILL be thinking and feeling things that have NOTHING to do with your ex. Feel your feelings. And believe:you are worth it!
Thanks everyone for the updates.
I think I still have the kidney stones and will keep my appt with the dr tomorrow but I do not want surgery. I’m pretty sure I’ll let it go a while longer before I opt for that.
I did get some organizing and cleaning done today. It felt good to get some stuff done after not doing anything for so many days.
Tonight hubby and I ordered pizza and watched Dan In Real Life. Darling Daughter opted out of movie night but that was okay with us. :)
I’ve been a Steve Carrell fan since he was on The Daily Show (I think he was still on it when I went to a taping). And I’m crazy about The Office because it’s not only Ricky Gervais but it’s Steve Carrell and I loved loved loved Little Miss Sunshine.
Anyway, we both really liked it and laughed a lot. It was a nice night.
nice idea,,,finished reading the book A NEW EARTH…it has been a very needed book in my life as I know the ego has controlled my thinking way to much… especially in relationships..recommended reading for sure…THIS TOO SHALL PASS was quoted in this book and I am reminded again of the truth of those words…happy Sunday all…sending get well wishes your way Susan…
Doing well here and hope everyone feels the same. I was hoping to hear from Tim and the smoking sooner or later….I route for anyone that tries to quit smoking!
Have a great quote from my Zen Calendar last week: Many go fishing all their lifes without knowing that it is not the fish they are after. It’s a quote from henry David Thoreau.
Susan, Dad did something where they shoot it with soundwaves and never go invasive. Hope you can do that if needed. Steve Carrell is hilarious. 40 yewar old virgin is still one of my favorite comedies!
Patrick
Hi everyone and Susan I hope you are on the mend.
Thank all of you who have helped me to move on. I am moving forward now.
HI susan,, I hope you are feeling better. Your evening in sounds nice and cosy….
My update.. 10 months after my break up and a very difficult time, I’m healing and moving on. I’ve recently (and cautiously) met someone I really like (and get on with) and although he’s having to undergo some rigorous checks to see if there are any red flags (tee hee) he is good humoured and reflective about the whole process and I feel good about it… who knows where its going - but I’m enjoying the journey…
I’m busy and happier than I’ve been for a while and the whole business of me and the ex is getting smaller in the rear view mirror
He and her are leaving this week and after a few weeks of recycling after I heard that news, I am not even thinking about them/him..
I can see my contribution to the break up and the relationship being the way it was. I was not strong enough to say ‘enough’ and walk away at the FIRST sign of his borderline insanity, or whatever it is, I hate to use those labels.
HI susan,, I hope you are feeling better. Your evening in sounds nice and cosy….
My update.. 10 months after my break up and a very difficult time, I’m healing and moving on. I’ve recently (and cautiously) met someone I really like (and get on with) and although he’s having to undergo some rigorous checks to see if there are any red flags (tee hee) he is good humoured and reflective about the whole process and I feel good about it… who knows where its going - but I’m enjoying the journey…
I’m busy and happier than I’ve been for a while and the whole business of me and the ex is getting smaller in the rear view mirror
He and her are leaving this week and after a few weeks of recycling after I heard that news, I am not even thinking about them/him..
I can see my contribution to the break up and the relationship being the way it was. I was not strong enough to say ‘enough’ and walk away at the FIRST sign of his borderline insanity, or whatever it is, I hate to use those labels. Having spent just a few weeks in the company of a man who is (apparently) mature, sane and totally up front about how he feels, its a revelation I can tell you.
So that’s me.. Moving on, happy and focussed.. finally getting past my past.
thanks Susan and everyone here, you were and are a big part of that.. I’ve learned so much and been able to apply it.
A friend of mine and I were talking last night, and we concluded that now, in the 21st Century, relationships are so much more about the Inner Work than ever. No one is spared it seems, you can strive for house, car, money all that stuff that were were conditioned to want and define our ‘relationship’ by but really unless you are ok with you, it will all fall apart sooner or later.
So I guess that’s the key, be ok with you, love you and look after you, it will all come right eventually
or something!
take care
Abby
I know things have been pretty tough for you abby. Great to hear that you are doing better !
Sunshine,
Good suggestion for moving over to this thread. I think it’s great that we all sort of know eachother. I remmeber when i was ‘new’ to this site. now i know who the regulars are, etc.
anyways, i believe in 2nd chances, even though i havent been in that situation a lot before—thankfully! but i do believe in them IF AND ONLY IF the other person deserves it.
if my ex came back and just said “now that i’ve been away from you for 3 months, i realize that i really want you, etc”….well, that’s not good enough. he really has to show me he deserves a 2nd chance and why—not just b/c he misses me!
i cant wait for this week to be OVER!!! i just want to get the GRE finished with and them talk with my ex. i know that sounds bad.
i just want to get the thoughts out and move on with my life. the thing that makes me sad is that this meeting is going to change everything. it could solidify the end of our relationship if he isn’t trying to work things out or get back together–i have no choice but to tell him to leave me alone and to never contact me agian. i need to move on with my life and i cannot do it if he continues to write me every once in a while to talk.
i think that thought really scares me. i want to make things work—part of me really does. but i want him to want it more b/c he was the one with the doubts. the thought of our past and our 4 years together staying in the past is so sad. how could this happen?!
but if that is what is bound to happen–then i need to move on and move on fast. i cant spend another minute of my life with a person who does no value me!
anyway, happy monday to everyone…even though it’s a crappy rainy day over here!
im about to leave work early and spend a few hours at the gym…including doing yoga to make this day go by fast! i really need some yoga!
Sunshine,
i love the idea of the gratitude journal.
i rememeber watching a movie about a family and at every dinner, they went around the table and everyone had to say one good thing that happened to them that day.
i remember i tried to do that with me and my ex b/c i thought it’d be fun–it didnt last long b.c i forgot.
but it’s a great idea and i’d like to start doing that now!
for today—hmm…one good thing..i get to go to yoga!
I just had a conversation I was dreading - a mutual friend who lives in the city x is moving to. Was my friend first. I appreciated him calling, and after some general catching up he said, “I’m sorry to hear about you and bananahead.” It took some willpower, but I just said: “Yep, yep. Me too. But what are you going to do?” It took a LOT to not ask what he’d heard, dig to see if more lies are out there, continue the conversation with my side of the story, etc. The only zinger I threw in before we hung up was asking him to email me some photos of his new house, as I CERTAINLY would not be visiting that town.
I wish this didn’t affect me the way it does, it just brings so many thoughts of the finality, new lives, and no going back.
Susan, hope the doctor visit went well.
Kudos to you Newday for really working to keep it a new day and not playing the same old ouch-me song.
I’ve been keeping busy. I feel like I’m slowly moving on… thoughts of the ex and the way he left me keep my heart sad… that sadness hasnt’ gone away. There hasn’t been a single day where I haven’t thought about him. Offlate seems like he’s on my mind more… but I’m almost 2 months of NC.
I’ve been trying to spend time with friends after work, going to the gym, concentrating on myself… dressing better, organizing my apartment…. this past weekend I finally cleared the clutter in my bedrood that I couldn’t touch for the last 4 months…I guess that’s why the ex was on my mind more…coz it was the first time in 4 months that I was able to organize my room…. all these days it was piles everywhere….so I guess Im slowly moving forward.
I finally ordered a whole bunch of books from the book review thread and others mentioned by readers on this site… I have 7 books coming… including the Grief recovery handbook!
Thanks for listening.
Chin up….. strength to you all….
Serenity, thank you for the continuing support!
Anna, keep looking forward - books are good…..
Thanks New day…. look forward to reading them.
Just feel depressed sometimes….. and really would like these thoughts to stop but I know it’s a process and I’m working through it… and that it will have to run it’s course.
I wish I didn’t miss him or think of him but I do… but I”m really glad I have not tried to contact him etc….
Signed up to volunteer in June…. trying as much as I can.
Take care…
Anna-
Sounds like your progress is coming along great ! I also finally got around to cleaning some of the mess in my apt. Lol, only ’some’ though.
On the bright side: You’ve been in NC for 2 months. That’s awesome !
Checking in, checking in…Let’s see here…
Well, I am doing well, I think. I am currently under a heap of stress and so I am trying hard to be good to myself. I’m TRYING but anyone who has ever gone through the process of buying a new car surely knows what I am enduring. The most serious part is the part where you shop for money to borrow and the loans vary so much! I hate the THOUGHT of borrowing to buy a car, but I have no choice. At least my credit is stellar and I can do this without borrowing at 12%.
To steal Jenny’s format…
The good news: I got a loan for 4.5% - probably the lowest car loan rate on record and it is not some gimmicky thing that ends in a month. It is for the life of the loan! Yahoo!
This morning I ordered my car and the buying service I am going through is putting out their bids to the dealerships in the next few days…I am FINALLY on the cusp of a new car!
Other good news: The car I am presently driving is still healthy after 15 years and 375,000 miles. I won’t sell it. I can’t. It’s worth more to me than to a dealership. It will be my dog transport car. :)
The OKAY this is LIFE news:
I am going to have a new car loan, and I don’t like that idea. I haven’t borrowed for anything in 10 years and that was for a mortgage! This scares me, but I am trying not to WHIRL.
The not-so-great news:
I have not been sticking to my NC with my sister. She contacted me first (I know, how childish is that?) and I just bit when she dangled the steak in front of my face. I am back to NC after a week of vicious exchanges. I have been NC for 2 days and it doesn’t feel good. I want to have a normal relationship with my sister!! My healthy mind tells me that there’s no such thing as a good relationship with a sibling with sociopathic tendencies. (And I do NOT use the term sociopathic lightly.) She is very ill and I know that the next move will have to be hers, if she ever decides to get healthy. I don’t REALLY want to let my sister go. But, I cannot stay in the mix with her, either. She’s my sister, what do I do?
My conflict with myself is really TOUGH because I want a relationship with the sister that has decided to stay in my state and not abandon the family. As some of you know, when I talked at the seminar, I revealed that my twin sister took off right after my father died (11 years as of tomorrow) and nobody, not even my mother has heard from her since. We have done everything legally possible to track her down, with limited success. She is a legal adult and not classified as mentally impaired or disabled, so she is “protected” by law. I am missing my twin. I miss her everyday. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be OKAY with it. I don’t know. She’s still my sister too.
Heather,
Congratulations on the new car, the excellent credit, and
striving to take good care of yourself throughout the process
of making this big purchase. I relate very much to the stress
of borrowing money for anything; sounds you handled the
situation super well!
I’m sorry about your sisters. One who is in touch but not
healthy; the other you miss so much but cannot find. I
know the heartache of wanting a relationship with a family
member who just isn’t available and so sometimes having
to choose limited or NC. Going NC on a family member is
not an easy decision to make or follow through with, at
least for me. Changing or creating our boundaries with
family members is hard work! Facing another’s extreme
boundaries (NC imposed by them) is perhaps the most
painful of all. I feel for you. I believe if you continue to
do the grief work around your missing sister, you will
be able to heal some of that wound, even if you never
stop missing her. I have more family grief work of my own
to do, as you know. And I’m doing it, and have to be
extra good to me right now because at times like this
it’s easier to slip into some of the old behaviors and
coping mechanisms, which only make me feel worse.
DO keep taking extra good care of yourself as you cycle
through this family stuff. There’s always something in
these experiences for us to learn, right? Maybe where
family is concerned, it’s about learning how to keep
folding losses into our lives and keep living well in spite
of them. I’m sending you a big hug today…
Good news: I got asked out.
Bad news: It was by a guy with less than a year of sobriety, so I turned him down but told him that when he got a year he should ask me again and that I would definitely say Yes.
Problem: I feel like it might be too soon for me to think about dating. We’re already married in my head. My co-dependent streak is rearing Its ugly head.
Solution: Talking to my therapist about it in detail today, and making a plan to deal with it. Writing out a relationship inventory so that if this thing /could/ turn into something when he gets his year, at least I won’t drive it kicking and screaming into the ground.
Other than that, I got a laptop for work only to find out the client I use for my job won’t run on Vista. I still feel pretty good about it, because either the boss will write a new client for Vista and I won’t have to reformat, or I’ll reformat and go on with life. It’s no big deal.
I’m grateful for this place. I don’t really know anyone here, but that feels okay. When I come here and read what’s been written, both by Susan and by other people, it’s comforting. It’s a little like when my uncle would check in the closet for a monster before I went to sleep, only without the joke where he reaches out and grabs his own throat and makes choking noises. It’s soothing, to know I’m not alone.
Saved my bacon.
Thanks again.
The Good: I have a nephew scheduled to be born this evening!
The Bad: Finally took a day off to sleep until I couldn’t sleep anymore: 1pm. It kind of helped.
The Ugly: Tomorrow is 4 months since the breakup. Most of that time was NC, though the bananahead reared his head a few weeks ago. In all it’s about 9 days since total NC, where I told him to stay away. I’m feeling very Eternal Sunshine For The Spotless Mind these days.
Hondo Lane, I’m with you with feeling very Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind. I’ve been bad and checking FB even after I said I’d stop. But I got my butt kicked by Rama today. I’m feeling pretty bad and have vowed to NOT DO IT AGAIN!
The Good: It’s sunny outside.
The Good, Bad, and The Ugly!
LOL! How can I break this chain you guys?
The Good: I’m going to make a big change in my life and no longer be bothered by associations from around here in re my ex.
The Bad: I saw him this morning in his car on my way to work. I saw enough to imagine he was talking on the phone with her.
The Ugly: I wanted really strongly to write her a letter and tell her everything I know now about the psychological reasons he did what he did to me. I even wrote the letter. I considered sending it.
But I ripped it up and threw it in the trash. And ate. And took some of my mineral supplements that are supposed to rebalance my system after all the stress I’ve gone through over this (unbalance of those minerals promotes unbalanced emotions like rage, anger, upset).
And now I feel better. And I’m thinking about my own plans.
And I’m on this site. Waiting for Rama to kick my butt.
Please.
Thank you Michael. Great to hear you were able to clean some of the mess too! Haha… I have some left myself.
How have you been doing? Yeah… NC.. 2 months now… It still hurts and sucks that he never fought to save the reln or even didn’t stop before cheating on me and throwing ‘us’ away… I wonder when I’ll stop thinking about him.
Work has been busier which is good.
How are you spending your weekends? I still feel so protective of my heart and feelings that I don’t feel like opening up much to anyone… maybe time will help heal along with grief work.
Take care…
The Good: Rama indirectly kicked my butt. :)
The Bad: For like the 50th day in a row I paid less attention to my job than I should have because this dominates my thoughts. There is no way I could study for a standardized test like Kalo. I am SICK of it! I am getting healthier for sure, but I just want the thoughts to go away. I let them wander around, and try to just observe them, but they are still there.
The Ugly: Serenity, I THOUGHT I saw him in his car, and it wasn’t even him, and my heart raced for a good five minutes. Jeesh.
Heather,
I hope you find your sister someday. My mom reconnected with her father, whom she hadn’t seen since childhood, quite by accident, in Korea, of all places. Living next door to her, actually in the other half of a duplex, was a man who turned out to have attended second grade with her (her mom was the teacher—a tiny one-room school, with only a handful of students) and he was able to put her in touch with her dad and her grandmother, too, just a few months before she passed away. A nursing home where my grandfather tended the flowers in exchange for her keep. Amazed nuns and hundreds and hundreds of rhododendrons. Rhodies everywhere, and the grandmother, who had barely spoken for years, saying my mother’s name. There aren’t really even any odds for that kind of thing, but sometimes what can’t happen, does…. So I’m hoping you have a miracle like that too. I can only begin to imagine how it feels to lose your twin in this way. But I don’t believe that real love, once it finds a way into the world, ever goes away. Maybe you can’t find her, but your love can go anywhere, absolutely anywhere, in this world, and no doubt it stays beside her, wherever she goes, is always with her. Will always be. Think of your own life. You know who really loves you. She does too; she won’t forget. Hope that’s all right to say….
Kathy, yes… folding in the losses. while finding a way to keep on living. A beautiful thought….
Anna, there’s a great book that’s highly recommended, “Healing from Abandonment.” The books specifically points out this ‘panic’ of searching for what you lost and how these ‘false sightening’ of the ex create anxiety. It’s so normal and it is part of the process of healing. We search for what we feel we lost, this is why detachment and detangling yourself from the ex is so important for your brain to adjust, you have to allow the chemicals waters to calm. You will stop searching for what is lost if you grant yourself the permission to be hyper vigilant for a bit and understand the process you are going through. Dymystifying your process will help, it helped me understand all the things that were going on internally with myself. Once I understood that I was searching for what I ‘felt’ I lost (turns out I didn’t lose much but gained my sanity and life back) it was much easier to stop looking for the ex in a passing car. It’s a normal response to loss. I hope that helps you and encourages you toward calmer days.
Anna, I think this was meant for Newday…sorry…I was replying to the “seeing him in the car the other day and it wasn’t even him.”
bluebird,
I really like this thing you said: “But I don’t believe that real love, once it finds a way into the world, ever goes away.” Thanks for that!
Cat, what you’re doing is re-framing the loss to help you stop searching.. I like that “turns out I didn’t lose much but gained my sanity and life back)”- it’s going in my strength journal. Even though it’s been many many months since I’ve seen my X in person, because he lives near me I can easily see his car, especially if I’m looking for it, and sometimes even if I’m not. It really made me feel sick yesterday.
last nite talked on the phone with the ex for over an hour, we talked about the email I sent him regarding moving on because he was still on some dating site…he told me that he took it off..he said I could check it if I wanted to..I replied that I didn’t need to….nc has not been easy because we both still miss each other and I have decided to just let it be..I have become so much stronger in fact he told me that I was the most positive person he has ever met..and that I inspire him to be a better person….ya know sometimes ya gotta just stop looking at the negative and focus on the positive..Life is only today..and damn it,,I am going to have a good one….and stay present…forget the past crap, learned a lot of life lessons, especially the need to please and fear of abandoment issues,,,it’s gone like the down the drain like the dish water…..luvin the spring weather…
melody,
where are things going now that you’ve talked to the ex?
hi ya kalo…I don’t have a clue..if this site was available years ago I wouldn’t be sitting here today…but the lessons I have learned are very valuable in knowing where I want to take this relationship…I ended two marriages and with reflection knew that I jumped in without knowing what the hell I was thinking because they were not healthy and I hung in for years with both thinking ”I” was going to make it work. Both were emotionally unavailabe men…What I am finding for myself is I have pulled back many times in this current connection and each time I learn something about me and something about him. I am learning to open up, because I have beaten myself up a lot with the I am not lovable crap…I am learning to love me and hopefully with patience and time this could turn into the right thing…two very negative traits that I have carried with me into relationships are jealousy and insecurity…so again,,no idea but I am okay with that..
i find that i am a jealous and insecure person. i hate the jealousy part! but i think that stems from being insecure. and i know my ex would make that comment—he wanted me to be moer confident in our relationship.
i havent really thought about that until now. any words of advice on how to deal with those issues? is a self-esteem problem? i feel like i am an attractive, kind, smart person. i dont believe i am unattractive…so what is it then that makes me so insecure? and also jealous?
i used to think it was up to the guy…my ex,…to not make me feel insecure by telling me he loves me and that i am the one…to tell me this and make me feel this regularly.
is that wrong?
is this one of thise things i need to find within myself?
kalo-
I was in the same situation as you back last year. I had a bad break-up with my ex around Sept ‘07. Around this time I was preparing to start my MBA by taking the GMAT. Well, I took it during those ridiculously emotional times, and I did pretty well. I also got accepted into my MBA program that I started this past Jan ‘08. I just completed my first round of courses with a 4.0.
I could have let my situation really de-rail me from my goals, but now (7 months later), I still am on the right track. Good luck on your GRE.
Michael-
That is truly wonderful. I remember reading your post. I just HATE standardized tests and it gets me so worked up. I just need to relax and know that the admissions committee will look at more than just GRE scores.
I look forward to getting it over with so I can focus on the fun, but equally hard stuff—and that is choosing the right program and applying, etc.
I am so happy that things have worked out for you.
Did you go to an MBA program that is in a different city or state than where you were living before?
Kalo-
I applied to 2 different MBA programs that are within my area that are both pretty good. They are ran by private colleges. I originally was going to do an MBA in finance, but I receieved credit for several classes from my undergrad program (although unrelated) and also tested out of a few more classes, so now I am going to dual major in finance/economics.
It is tempting to do a 3rd concentration for the hell of it b/c it would only be another 2 more classes, but in the meantime I’ll deal with those 2 first.
The first school I got denied from due to my work experience, or lack thereof. I was 22 when I applied and had not been working longer than 1 year. I am now 23 but I still have little work experience as of yet. That’s just a time thing.
I debated on doing GRE’s back when I was considering dental school and the MCAT for med school, however I decided that I didn’t want to be in the health field at all so I just passed on both of those.
Good luck !
good for you! that is great.
i live in DC now and although there are a lot of great schools here that have wonderful programs in what i am interested in (and DC being a great place to be for int’l relations/politics), i am looking for a change. my ex was born in and grew up in this area. i can’t say i came here for my ex….but he was a huge influence. but i love DC.
i’d like to go to a different city–NY and am even looking to a program in San Diego! two totally different cities, but like i said—i am looking for a change…and both schools have excellent programs in int’l relations,etc.
thanks for the well wishes.
Hey all,
Kalo, I’m glad you liked the gratitude journal idea, it really helps me at the end of each day :-)
And about the insecurity/jealousy thing, I know that for me it stemmed from fear of abandonment, of being left (like my primary carers abandoned me emotionally when i was little), so I think by working through those issues one should find an improvement in those traits. I also think that knowing that my ex, the love of my life (so far!) has left me and that I am still ok and getting through it, will serve to increase my self-reliance and belief in myself and will be a source of strength in future relationships, so jealousy and insecurity will not arise to the same degree.
Anna- it’s 2 and a half months since my break-up and the same period NC. I can empathise with your feelings. I’m keeping busy for the most part, spending time doing things I enjoy with good friends… It will get better, including the thinking about him all the time… I still think about him a lot, don’t get me wrong, but it’s starting to fade a bit some of the time… Keep feeling the feelings and doing the grief work, and you’ll get there soon too… I do feel shattered though these days - physically and emotionally, it really takes it out of you I find.
This weekend is the 2 year anniversary of when my ex and I first met :-S Am starting to feel a bit wobbly. I’ve planned nice things for the weekend, am kinda bracing myself for recycling, but then again I don’t want to bring it on, like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I guess I’ll just take it as it comes…
Any advice anyone, on dealing with this kind of thing?
And do the rest of you feel shattered, mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted? I’ve really been feeling like that the last few days, like the emotional stress of the last 2 months or so is really catching up with me… I’m not sleeping too badly, yet I just feel knackered. I guess it’s the aftermath of adrenaline surges etc.
Best wishes to everyone
I spent Valentine’s Day this year very busy at a party with friends. It worked out pretty well, Sunshine.
Kalo, I did some grad work out in San Diego. It’s cool if you like the beach, and not crazy like SD. It’s not as good as DC in some ways though…
Hi All,
Sunshine - I too feel absolutely exhausted. I’m at the 3 month post breakup stage. I am having trouble motivating myself to go to the gym which was one of the few things that made me feel vaguely sane but I know I must keep doing this. I go through stages of several nights of insomnia followed by nights of good sleep but I always wake up feeling tired - never used to be like that. I have trouble concentrating at work and flip constantly from task to task without finishing things properly.
On the positive side, I am about 2.5 weeks into antidepressant treatment and I think they are starting to work - I have had one whole day without crying!! Thoughts of him keep popping into my mind and my immediate reaction now is “@$#%ard” (actually much worse words).
Question to all - Is this a good thing? That is, that I no longer think fondly, wistfully of the good times we had but rather react strongly with anger about the way he dumped me? Is this healthy, or am I dwelling too much on this anger? I do feel I am moving on but can’t tell if it is as a result of “doing my work” or if it is just the effect of the medication dulling the edge of the excrutiating pain.
Does anyone else have a similar experience?
mlc,
in Susan Anderson’s book about abandonment, she says we cycle through the stages- shattering, withdrawal, internalizing the rejection, rage, and lifting…
welcome to rage…what she says is good about it is that that energy can be turned towards making *you* a better life…focusing on you.
and my opinion on your question as to whether it is a good thing, probably in the end the best thing is to see the reality- and negative qualities are part of that…just demonizing or sainting someone is probably not reality for most cases…
I find that thinking of the negatives is the best thing for detaching and fighting the thoughts…Plenty of time to look back on some fond moments years later!
mlc,
Anger is a very common, “normal” and healthy response
to loss. I don’t even know if it’s possible to fully grieve
without feeling anger…??? But most importantly, remember
that your feelings are never good or bad, they just are. You
feel what you feel and you have a right to your feelings.
Allow them, acknowledge them, journal about them, and
they will work themselves out of your system.
And I agree with Serenity–you can use anger to detach
and channel it into rebuilding your new life.
Anger can be a very helpful emotion if properly channeled.
Thanks kalo.
I think the biggest pitfall for me was that I thought once I went into NC that things would be better right away. This hasen’t been the case for me (yet), as I have been in NC for close to 3 months yet still feel down and sometimes the urge to call is there although not as strong.
What I’ve learned is that NC allows the healing process to begin. That’s all. Remaining in contact allows a false hope and unhealthy dependency.
Once you go NC, things SLOWLY start heading in the right direction.
This has been my experience thus far.
Hi Michael,
i dont have the urge to call as much as other means of contact. to call him would mean to dial his digits into my phone and have it there….in my phone. emailing him is much more passive and i dont have to hear his voice, etc. if NC is broken, i just want to narrow it down to 1 type of contact.
i dont really know how to describe how NC has helped me. it’s like when i have a plate-full of food in front of me and i want to eat it all–but if i eat it slowly and then stop for a while, i realize i do not want anymore and i stop myself from being overstuffed and feeling grossly full.
like the urge to contact my ex…if i wait a while and let some time pass, the urge is not as strong.
i broke Facebook NC a few times last week and hated it. when i had the urge, i just had to stop myself and do something else. once time had passed, i realized i didnt want to check it anymore. not sure if that makes sense.
my ex contacted me about 2 weeks ago and said he wanted to talk. we emailed a few times back and worth. the last email i sent him was last week (and i told him not to contact me and that he will hear from me)—the more time that has passed since that last email, the less desire i have to contact/send him an email. i now know that i can wait until after the GRE to contact him.
happy thursday everyone! almost the weekend!
Not doing so well.
Decided to take a chance and get to know that guy. A week later and I’m suddenly
gut crushing, throat constricting, heart tearing
missing my ex. This guy is really sweet, very nice, very understanding. Funny. He’s charming. I liked him, until the thought occurred to me that it might actually go somewhere. Then this searing, red-hot edge of /something/ started just ripping through my body and now suddenly I’m sobbing, wanting to call him, end it on the spot, because he’s just not /my ex/.
I know that’s supposedly normal, but it’s such a panic feeling that I don’t know what to do with it, I don’t know how to handle it. I’m terrified. Drop dead terrified. And I want to end things with him on the spot, even though he’s a great guy and if things were different, I could see this going somewhere other than down the toilet.
I’m just plain scared.
I know it’s no big deal, it’s not serious, but he just smells wrong. His hands feel wrong. His hair is wrong. He’s not my ex and it’s breaking my heart. I don’t know what I expected, but I feel more alone than I did before I agreed to step out with him. And worse than that, I feel like an over-dramatic fifteen year old, and I hate that. I feel like I should be less emotional, or that it should /hurt/ less.
Thank you for not judging me, at least.
Megan,
It’s been over 7 months since I and my ex mutually ended our relationship. I don’t want to get back together with him. Sometimes I can hardly remember ANY times with him, never mind the good times. But…I still feel his physical imprint on my vision of who I want to be with.
I’m 57. And…it feels too soon to be with anyone else. Maybe it’s different for others…but I bet there’s others here who feel as you and I do.
Healing includes accepting where I am in my feelings.
What you feel is normal. If you’re supposed to be with this new guy at some point, it will happen.
Grieving loss and attachment to someone takes time. Doesn’t that make sense?
Take good care of Megan. You need to feel to heal. Sounds like you’re healing.
Seeif
Megan, I totally get where you are at.. Like you, I also started seeing some one else recently and yes he is GREAT and so unlike my ex and we get on so well.. BUT.. I also can’t get my ex out of my mind as we had such a physical connection.. with Mr New.. it’s so much more complicated…
BUt
I’m giving him a chance because I KNOW he is worth it and I am determined not to let Mr ex have taken my ability to love away…
Take it slow Megan and if its not right, its not right.. but it might just take time to figure that one out
There’s no rush and if he is worth it, he will wait and let you take your time…
I also feel this ‘not right’ feeling with my new guy, but I also know that he is really a much better fit for me..
In the long run however, it might just be that being alone is fine too
take care
Abbyxx
Hey everyone!
Just a quick check-in to let you know how I’ve been. Work is still crazy crazy crazy…so I haven’t been able to read/post here as much as I’d like. But I’m redoubling my efforts to take good care of myself, as I’ve gotten a bit off track with all the stress from work.
Some great news - I have quit smoking FINALLY!
I’m also looking forward to a vacation in about a month - a much needed one! And on that vacation, I plan to celebrate (along with my sister’s 23rd birthday) the fact that I will be almost one year out of my relationship with my ex and how far I’ve come since then. Wow, I can’t believe it will be a year soon. I honestly could not imagine ever feeling better when the breakup first happened. I still have the crappy days here and there, but I am continuing to get better every day. And life is becoming good again :)
Susan - I hope you’re feeling better! And I hope everyone else is doing well too!
Lucy
Hi Lucy,
Congrats on quitting smoking!! Keep up the great work.
:)
Make sure that you keep your great laugh!