MySpace Drama Redux
April 17, 2008 by susangpyp
This is a repost in response to a new reader. I apologize I have not answered your email personally, but I hope this helps.
Patient: Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
Doctor: Don’t do that.
~ Henny Youngman
We’ve been having a little chat on the email group about what one member dubbed, succinctly, “My Space Drama.”
In one of the “After the Breakup” posts or No Contact with the ex posts, I say very clearly: STAY OFF HIS OR HER MYSPACE PAGE, FACEBOOK PAGE, LIVE JOURNAL or whatever the hell else is out there in digital footprint land.
Let me be clear: This is not a rant against MySpace. MySpace doesn’t hurt people. People who use MySpace to hurt people hurt people. And people who get hurt on there and go back for more are looking for trouble. Looking for more heartache.
Have you been hurt by some bananahead’s ranking of you? Have you been demoted recently? Have your pictures been taken down? Is there a new person in your place? Are your insides churning? Are you tracking every movement he or she makes? Are you interpreting everything he or she does and trying to figure out which things are really secret messages to you? Are you putting crap up on your MySpace page to get them jealous? angry? sad?
How about Match.com…are you looking at his or her profile and figuring how when he or she is on line? Has he or she suddenly made themselves available again and you’re dying because you can’t stop looking at it.
WELL STOP IT.
STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT.
Immediately delete MySpace from your computer. Stay off of Match.com. Delete Facebook and Live Journal and whatever else is out there.
Playing games through these idiotic social networking sites is unhealthy and ridiculous. RIDICULOUS. Repeat after me: UNHEALTHY AND RIDICULOUS.
Healthy people don’t do this. Healthy people don’t spend their lives trying to send subliminal messages to people who may or may not be reading. Healthy people don’t spend time trying to outmanuveur someone else by random ranking of vacuous people met in cyberspace. Healthy people don’t sit there and try to figure out what a drop in rank really means. Healthy people say good riddance to bad rubbish and call it a day.
SAY GOOD RIDDANCE AND CALL IT A DAY.
What are you looking at? What sort of information are you getting? How do you know that the information is real OR relevant? How do you know that whatever is going on (your photo down, another’s photo up, ranking, demotion etc) is even real? How do you know you are not being manipulated to STAY IN THE GAME. How do you know that?
The ONLY WAY TO WIN IS TO NOT PLAY THE GAME. By participating in MySpace follies, YOU are playing the game.
We are not Pavlov’s dogs on MySpace. We are not drooling when the bell goes off. If we are then something is wrong. You are programming yourself to look and to wonder and to whine and to stay weak when you need to be getting stronger. The endless peeking and worrying is just going to deplete you. You need to stay out of the ex’s head (for the 150th time) and being on MySpace is staying in his or her head.
Then you see something you don’t want to see and you react. STOP REACTING TO THIS STUFF. Stay off MySpace etc. Stop worrying about what the ex is or is not doing or who he or she is or is not replacing you with.
When you are tempted to do this GET AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER. Go out for a walk (there’s a whole world out there that does not exist in cyberspace!)….write in your journal (long hand…turn off the computer)….call a friend…figure out a new hobby. DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE.
Checking and rechecking MySpace gets to be an addiction and like an addiciton you need to go cold turkey to get clean. Move off the dime and get away from the keyboard and live your own life and stop peeking at the goings on of your moving on ex.
It is time to BUILD A LIFE OF YOUR OWN, not to be compulsively checking up on your ex. If you were doing this in person you’d be driving by the house or hanging up the phone. This is just as bad but much easier….so STOP IT.
There was an old Simpsons episode where Lisa kept poking Bart and he kept saying “Quit it. Ow. Quit it. Ow. Quit it. Ow.“
This is you and your ex. You’re not choosing to move away or do anything to make it stop. You’re just standing there while someone pokes at you. Quit it. Ow. Quit it. Ow.
Saying Quit it OW is NOT going to make it stop.
You MUST walk away. You must decide that you have had enough.
Go out for a walk, join a gym, GET A LIFE but GET OFF OF MYSPACE.
Does it hurt when you do that?
DON’T DO THAT!!!
.
When I stopped looking at his myspace page was the day I began to heal. I had stopped all other forms of contact but that was the one habit I hung on to. Actually, I got better rather quickly when I was no longer “feeding” my obsession of him. Looking at his progress was like sticking a fork in my eye everyday. Duh!
Since I don’t like feeling that much pain AND I could control it, I finally learned to stop. I was a silent hold out - it took a lot of time to convince me that I could indeed do it.
So I am a NC AT ALL convert. It really works and the best thing you can do for your own wellbeing!
Jenny
I hear you, Jenny. I went through that very kind of
withdraw from the seemingly passive and innocent
“NC-except-looking-at-his-Myspace-page” and am also
a NC AT ALL convert! (You probably know this, though,
since we’ve been on this journey together:) ). Thanks
for saying this and saying it so well! Remembering this
stuff, articulating it, and sharing it with others is one more
tool for integrating it permanently into our lives and way
of being in the world. I’m really thankful for you, Jenny.
It took me many, many months but I have finally kicked this habit. I, too, did the “NC except for looking him up online” thing and all it did was throw me backwards for about a week after. Susan is right–it is an addiction. And a wildly unhealthy one at that.
My “lightbulb” moment was when I created a fake email/profile on Facebook to try and look him up on there, since it’s blocked to people who aren’t members. I was in full-on crazy person mode–grasping at straws, feeling anxious, on some kind of hell-bent mission, not acting like myself at all.
And then it hit me–this is who I became when I was with him. I lost myself and he brought out the worst in me. And now that we were broken up, I was letting him do the same.
I backed away from the computer, and that was it for me. No more looking back.
I am admitting this because it’s very embarrasing and also I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s done it. Any ex that would make us behave this way is not worth a minute of our time or a bead of sweat on our forehead. Forget it. Onto greener pastures.
And the main thing is that whatever is on there ISN’T real most likely. The person is gone, and what they post on social networking sites isn’t really them. It’s the image they want to project. It’s a fallacy, and not one worth buying into.
MovingOn,
You most surely are not the only one. I once went as far as to
create a profile on a swingers site to try to find a BF’s profile,
because I knew he had been on there at some point. Talk
about something embarrassing to admit. I don’t like remembering
how ridiculous I was, but when Susan is so honest about where
she used to be emotionally, it gives me courage to own my own
unattractive behaviors and mistakes. And it is healing to do it.
My wake-up call in the above scenario was when I couldn’t remember the site, my fake screen name or password once I had joined, and I had had to PAY to join, so my debit card kept getting
charged for a membership I wasn’t even using.
Thankfully, some of us DO change if we really want to. If I met a guy like him today, I would say “whatever” and head for the nearest exit, and I’m sure you would, too. No more bad rubbish!
Susan -
Do you think that using match.com to meet people is unhealthy or were you only referring to looking the ex up on match.com?
LFG
only looking up the ex. I think that meeting people on match.com is fine so long as you maintain those healthy boundaries and understand that online relationships do not always translate well to brick and mortar relationships. I’ve seen (and have done so myself) people think they know who this person is by their online presentation. Not everyone is who they say they are.
Susan -
I agree with you. Online dating can be very fickle indeed and there are lots of flakes out there re-inventing themselves.
This is why I think it’s important to bring things offline when there seems to be a connection to see if the connection is there or if it’s all science fiction. In other words, I think that it is healthy to use match.com as just another channel to meet a potential date, but it is unhealthy to develop an online relationship with a stranger and keep things in cyberspace.
LFG
Maybe it’s me but I haven’t (personally) heard of any really positive relationships coming from Match.com. Most of them have been short-lived or rife with lies or total disasters.
I’ve heard better things about specialized sites, like J-date, or even non-dating sites like Meetup.com.
MovingOn -
I have heard the same thing. I think it has to do with not seeing the person in person from the get go. When you meet someone at a party, social group, or other networking activities, you can immediately see if there is chemistry or not - the famous spark. However, with online dating you create a lot of expectations and do a lot of storytelling to yourself using what you see online and hear on the phone. Then you finally meet the person and get disappointed because the connection wasn’t there. There is also some tension involved because the whole thing can feel like a job interview, where someone is evaluating you to see if you fit the bill.
Therefore, I have very low expectations about meeting people online. I just see it as one more channel. Meetup.com is great to join interest groups. I’d just skip any groups that have the word “single” in their description :) I have never heard of J-date.
LFG
I’m with you there. I think a good amount of young people on Meetup are single (since they have all this free time to go out and join groups) so you don’t need the specifically “single” ones. Then you meet people circumstantially with similar interests, rather than your common bond being that you’re both single. Yawn.
J-Date is a personal ads site for Jewish people. I know a few people who are married from it. I guess it ties into the similar background/values thing, which can’t hurt. Match is a lot more random.
I know of three good marriages from match.com
It’s like any tool- it depends who’s using it , the skills of the user, and the purpose behind the use.
I think some people’s skills in dating have not yet been translated to online dating skills, some of which I would consider:
-recognizing red flags in what someone writes
-recognizing red flags in how someone acts online, on the phone, and in person
-realizing, as others have said here, that you need to sit back and observe the person longer, because the first impression you get from virtual interactions disallows all those physical gut feelings that come into play face-to-face
- realizing, if you haven’t sharpened your skills dating regularly, online dating isn’t going to be any different, and might just be worse
I could use some positive external affirmations because I’m not managing my internal affirmations very well today.
I’m staying off his myspace and his personal website (at first it was difficult but I came to realize unhealthiness of it through this GPYP).
But, since I work with him (as well as the new “her”), I find that seeing them spirals my brain into images of them together (if you know what I mean). Arghhhhhh…..I thought I was getting past these feelings and thinking but yesterday and today it was particularly bad.
Repeatedly imagining them romantically together. How do I turn off my brain from this ridiculous cycle?!
Yes, online dating can feel very much like a job interview. In my experience, some people bring a weird set of expectations to the online dating experience. Some of this might be from the way these sites are marketed. (eg. “I joined Lavalife and a week later met my soulmate!” kind of ads.)
I’ve gone on a few coffee dates with people from online dating sites. I felt in a few dates like I was being intensely evaluated to see if my date was physically attracted to me or not. Obviously, you want to date someone with whom you have chemistry. However, I find that it takes me time to figure out if I have chemistry with someone or not. I don’t think I’ve ever had a relationship where I met someone and instantly was attracted to them - it was more something that developed as I spent time with them.
I feel like some people who date online (not all, but some) expect there to be instant chemistry within five minutes of meeting, or they are not interested. I don’t like feeling that pressure, or feeling that I’m being put under a microscope in this way, so I’ve decided to back off the online dating for awhile.
‘Nese, this isn’t an affirmation, but maybe you could do some mind-game things with yourself to turn off the loop? Such as thinking of a person you have no attraction to, and telling yourself that your ex is him or almost exactly him, and imagining the icky guy’s face over your ex’s? A kind of superimposition if you will.
Thanks Serenity…..I’ve tried some mind game loop stuff (trying to focus on the stupid immature stuff about him) but for some strange reason I feel like I’ve regressed in the grieving process.
Was in therapy lthis week and really unloaded stuff and thought, again, I was making progress. But yestereday and today, every time I would see “them” (or even just her) all I could imagine was the two of them together and I felt sick to my stomach. Imagining him with her spending the evening before together, etc.
So, I am holed up in my office trying desperately to avoid any chance encounters but it is almost impossible.
And, I’m going through a cycle of being really angry with him. Went through the initial emotional train wreck phase, and actually thought I was getting to apathy but here I am again……
‘Nese -
I cannot even imagine how I’d feel like if I worked with my ex and had to see him dating someone else at work. This really sucks and I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
Do you love your job or is it something that you could consider changing? Is there an opportunity to get transferred to a different office location or to another department within the same company?
LFG
‘Nese
I worked with my ex-husband…we were still LEGALLY MARRIED when he got engaged to her…and she came prancing into work flashing her diamond…Five days after our divorce they were married.
I sympathize completely. You just have to understand that their relationship has nothing to do with you anymore. I know easier said than done. But, understand that it’s YOUR LIFE now and you can do anything you want with it. If it means changing jobs, go for it! I changed jobs in a horribly slow job market after ALMOST 2 years watching their shananigans. I had to get out of there. As I worked hard on improving myself and not worryign about what they were doing, I found a great job, paying double what I was making without having to be around the EX. I learned what patience is really about. But, I did it. You can too!
Actually, I was long over the drama and the divorce before they realized I didn’t care anymore. I realize how sick the whole thing was…but at least I’m off the dysfunctional dancefloor. When you get there, you won’t believe the happiness that exists from taking control of your life.
Thank goodness for this post (the first one) because literally the day before I had discovered that my ex had a facebook page. He hadn’t had one while we were together, at least not that he ever told me about or that I was aware of. When I discovered he was on there I was hesitant but so tempted to look at it and see what was going on in his life though I knew it would hurt me to see his new pictures, who he had as “friends” (cyber vacuous people I’m sure) or pictures of the girl he dumped me for. It made me tempted to create a profile on there to “show” him I was moving on too. But fortunately I read this article and saw that it was pointless and would only hurt me to do so. I have been hurt enough by him so I refuse to play the game. I refuse to even start playing the game. He can have his facebook drama and “friends”. I haven’t even been tempted to go there once since this article and I haven’t. Thanks so much Susan. You saved me a lot of heartache.
Also I agree with a lot of what readers have been posting about the online dating thing. The meet in person part is bad because you are being intensely evaluated and scrutinized. If you don’t live up to the standards or fantasies they have set for you in their head, no matter how honest you have been or how many phone calls or accurate photos you have shared, it is over instantly. You can feel very rejected if they don’t “like” you in person. I have tried it a couple of times with only bad luck though it may work for some. I would only recommend it as a small part of trying to meet someone new (among other ways). Anyway, thanks again.
Lisa Anne
Nese,
I can relate to you when you say you can’t get your ex and the new one out of your head. I feel the same way!! Although I don’t know how if feels to work with my ex and see him and the new one all the time. I would not be able to do it so I give you credit. The only thing that helps me when I start to think about my ex and his new flame is stopping myself and saying out loud “NO, NO, NO!!!!” It’s worth a try for you. Or sometimes I just give a good cry.. It’s a process and it sucks :( I know..
Thanks so much for posting this particular My space drama… It’s been sooo long and brutal for me and I have felt alone in this like some freak addict. I’ve definitely eased back on going on my exes myspace, personal blog site, etc… It’s been so hard and I’m totally ashamed and I know it’s not healthy for me at all. It just helps reading other peoples comments and experiences!
At one point in time I also tried the online dating thing. This was awhile back and I was pretty adiment about it. Not to put down anyone who uses it, but I have had no luck with it and it was not worth my time as I put an excessive amount of energy trying to make it work.
I don’t plan on trying to date like that ever again.
If it happens, then it happens, if not, oh well.
I sincerely appreciate the postings and insights of each and every one of you in conjunctions with Susan’s timely words of wisdom.
It is true that we aren’t alone is this drama called life. So many of us share similar experiences that enable us to give one another new insight (even if we can’t always navigate our own mess very well).
For “myspace and facebook” drama…avoid the temptation to look. Its bad enough when the stuff is in your face through no choice of your own, no point searching out to torment yourself!
The Healthy Dating posts should definitely be used for first time f2f meetings with online people. EVEN MORE SO!
‘Nese,
I’m telling you this because I have to keep telling myself this: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Put that into yourself and good things for you.
Have you done the rubber band thing and tried stopping thoughts? I could go the same place you have with what I know about my ex (although I don’t have to see them) and I just DISALLOWED any of those kinds of thoughts because that way goes the straightjacket.
I’ll tell you what my research on the Internet gave me some ideas about - that is your primitive brain, the dinosaur brain, the one responsible for mating, protection, and flight or fright that is making all that craziness. And when it’s upset, it tries to take you over. STOP IT. You are not a dinosaur– they were unable to adapt and thrive after the meteor hit and everything became dark. Become a rodent, flexible, sharp-toothed, and fleet, and gnaw your way out of that loop.
I also think you need to have some slogans for yourself that you repeat and drown out the dinosaur droppings.
You know what you need to hear. If it were me, I might go with “I deserve so much better” and “He’s a slimy worm”. Repeat one hundred times when the dinosaur starts the loop. Add visualizations as you say it- you with a great person having loads of fun doing something the X couldn’t do or hated and a big slimy disgusting worm…
I certainly agree with the others who are urging you to explore other job options. Your dinosaur just keeps getting enraged with the contact. I’m not sure what you do- but for certain jobs you can get a headhunter searching for you. In my case, I would be SO out of there as soon as I could- but you might still be in the shock phase where it’s hard to do anything else stressful. If so, could you afford a life coach to help you set out a step by step plan? Or do you have a good friend you could talk through this with (or more than one good friend) and then write down a step-by-step attack plan to take those actions that will get you THE HECK OUT OF THERE.
Hope you’re being nice to yourself and patting yourself on the back for dealing with it! Goodness knows, now that I have written that I have to remember to do it for myself too. Have compassion for yourself.
I also struggled with being addicted to looking at my ex’s myspace. I would spend HOURS on the Interent stalking him - checking his myspace, going through all his friends to see if he made any comments to them, checking his blogs and pictures and it was exhausting! He knew I was looking too, so that only added to the fun of the game and when he added a bunch of women and they started making flirty comments to him, I felt like I was going to die it hurt so bad. That was once….I swore right then and there on my 3 dog’s lives that I would NEVER look again and I never did. My dogs mean the world to me and I suppose I’m a little superstitious, but it’s working and I wouldn’t risk my dogs for nothing. I also know if I saw anymore women added and sleazy comments - I could NOT handle it. If I feel the urge, I walk away. I’d rather camp out in front of the TV all night, rather than stalk someone and *really* hurt myself.
Wow! Thanks for posting this. I too have been adicted to reading my ex’s blog and forum posts along with her new girlfriend’s blog and forum posts. Each time I did it, it set me back. I’d hope that her life was going badly but instead I read about how well she is doing, etc. So now I’m staying away. But it is hard because it is just a click away at any time.
dont look at his page … period. i have went cold turkey and its been a month. im dying trust me but dont.
[...] I have been on hiatus from “MySpace” for quite a bit of time, longer than I had first expected due to some bullshit my ex was pulling. See post. Anyways, I am patting myself on the back today because I have been doing fucking awesome since my hiatus to MySpace and have very little interest in what he is doing with his life. Dont get me wrong.. I have my moments. I fo und a rocking blog about the evils of Myspace drama with the Ex. Check it out. [...]
Hi & thanks again Serenity (and others).
Can’t change jobs….at least for the moment….but I am looking.
I’m going to try the rubber band thing. Yesterday, some other colleagues (who are also friends) came into my office and we were having a nice break together, laughing, etc. “He” stopped by with his coffee because he heard the merriment. I held my head high and continued with my conversation and never let on that I was still broken inside.
Going on a vacation next week (we leave Saturday) with some girlfriends…looking forward to it and hoping that week away will give me more mental distance to finally break free.
Thanks for all of your support everyone! This is a great site!
Hugs to you all!
Hi All
Well, I got off facebook when I decided that I wasn’t going to check his profile anymore. I reactivated it today and saw his profile. It was a bad mistake and am kicking myself!!! He is with the 22 year old (he’s 34 and so am I) that he cheated on me with…. actually he cheated on me several times with different women.
I was feeling really good about where I was, feeling like my confident self. He stripped me of my self-worth and i let him. Me going on his facebook 2 months after NC was like a test … I failed and am really mad at myself. I thought I wouldn’t care. I don’t want to be with him …. I was and I guess am still hurt. I don’t think that I will never forget the hurt but look forward to the day where I can go without thinking of him.
What makes me really happy is that even though he is with this child he is exchanging pictures with another women (2 of them provocative). It makes me happy because he is not going to change and him cheating had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him, He is a coward!!!
I guess I don’t understand how someone could be so cruel … Come to think of it I’m glad I don’t understand because that would mean I have the same mentality. I know I treated him well, I spoiled him, and that was my mistake since I did not treat myself well and spoil myself.
I deactivated my account, blocked his sites from my computer, and have swore that i will NEVER allow him to steal anymore of time. Since It HURT, I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT AYMORE. I am causing my own pain ….AGGGHHHH!!!!!
I thank Susan for this blog on a daily basis! I stumbled across it looking for information on seperating myself emotionally from my family on the recommendation from my therapist. However I made the mistake of reposting one of Susan’s blogs about Black Sheep on my myspace page (with proper credit to the author and page and blog!) and my family read it and freaked out! Now my page is being “stalked” by members of the family and friends and reporting back and its resulted in a myspace mud slinging drama rich brawl. Honestly, I’m tired. I took the blog down, but some of the other members of this family drama insist on continuing the war, needless to say, I’m not playing the game anymore, but its still going on….Susan, what do you do when its a sibling, or relative whose page you need to stay away from or whose stalking yours? Anyone have any thoughts?
I think it’s the same. You posted it because they’re crazy and look at them: they’re acting crazy!
Don’t play the game. Don’t dance the dance. And put the blog back up!
The only way to win is not to play the game.
What they think of you is none of your business.
Don’t check their pages and don’t say anything about them on yours. They’ll stop playing when they have no playmates.
Rama….your right…thank you!! I needed that!! I took the blog down to keep the peace…it just wasn’t worth the war…in the end, the myspace friend who needed to see that blog besides me did, and she’s become a huge, huge fan of this blog (she is a newly single parent, struggling to find her way). So I accomplished what I set out too. In the mean time, I’m dancing to MY OWN SONG!
[...] say this isn’t about Facebook but it is. Read the MySpace postings and STOP looking at [...]
I found this site b/c I was surfing for how to stop obsessing over an ex. My situation is different, but b/c of the openness on this site I thought I’d share my story.
I met my first love at 17. I left a really abusive household at that age and had a lot of issues to deal with. We were young so there was a break up and make up, but after the 2nd break up I moved away and got involved in drugs to numb myself. He asked me to marry him and I said yes, then later recanted b/c that would have meant quitting my habit (he didn’t know about it). I told him to leave me alone. He argued with me and I hit below the belt with things I never should have said, but it worked…he left me alone. I ended up getting clean a few years after that and have been sober ever since. Because I was young I didn’t appreciate the love I had with him…the world was my oyster. Don’t get me wrong, I grieved for him but I lived out of town so it was easier to move on. Now that I am older I realize that that sort of love only comes along maybe once or twice in a lifetime.
Fast forward 8 years and I got married to a very nice man. I was happy…fast forward a year and I had a vivid dream about my ex and so I Googled him. I found an email address. I wrote to him to try and establish a friendship. He wrote back. This went on…friendly…no sexual overtones…he was married and so was I. My husband knew about the internet friendship. Fast forward 2 years…I had a child with my husband…ex going through divorce and gets My Space page and tells me to check it out. I join My Space so I can see his photos. Husband knows. Fast forward 1 year, the ex came to town for a business conference and asked me to lunch. Hubby knew. I went. Ex confessed he still loves me. I ran. I did not expect that after so many years…not to mention my husband and child are in the picture! I didn’t tell my spouse a/b it b/c I didn’t want him to worry.
Fast forward a year…I can’t get the ex out of my mind. I deleted him as a friend from my My Space page and blamed it on my husband’s jealousy when the ex confronted me about it…which was a lie…my husband doesn’t know I am now obsessed with my ex…Really I deleted him b/c I am scared of my obsession…it’s like I am back at square one from when we broke up when I was 21!! I am grieving all over again!
Even though most recently I broke off contact b/c I was starting not to trust myself as a committed wife as far as the ex is concerned, I stalked his page…just like others here have said…look at his friends and their pages…look at his ex wife…compare myself to her…think about what might have been…
Now he’s engaged to a 23 year old (he’s 36, I’m 35). She calls him the love of her life on her my space pg. I can’t believe how much she looks like me! It’s FREAKY! Inexplicably I’M JEALOUS! WTF? I’M MARRIED!! That was over 15 years ago!!
I quit surfing his page and Googling about 2 months ago. I am so tempted to torture myself by vicariously watching the wedding plans progress…and to make sure they go through with it…what if they break up? Even if they do…would I really sacrifice my life now for a fantasy of what might be with the ex? I like to think no…but if he hadn’t respected my wishes to end contact and continued to pursue me…I honestly don’t know what I would have done. These are the sort of self-destructive things going on inside my head that no one else in my life knows.
I am heading toward my 7 year wedding anniversary and all I can think about is my first love and how we were engaged, but I broke it off, and it was probably the biggest mistake of my life. If I am honest with myself I know he and I were more compatible than my husband and I…but I married b/c I was almost 30 and wanted a kid and convinced myself I could be w/ him forever…and my husband adored(s) me…but I make a lot more $ than my husband and he is not ambitious at all. I am I financial analyst and he works in a warehouse moving boxes. I am extroverted with lots of friends and he is introverted with no friends but me. He seriously can’t make friends…he’s been that way since he was a kid…comics, anime, books, T.V. and me and our kid is his whole life. If I broke up with him I honestly don’t know if he would commit suicide…he has said he might in the couple of times we have fought and I threatened to leave. In the beginning of the relationship I loved being the center of his world. Now I just feel trapped. I want to go back to feeling the way I did in the first few years of our marriage when I didn’t make a lot of $ so we were on more even footing, and my ex was out of the picture (internet wasn’t as prevalent in the old days…LOL).
I feel like I am in a hell on earth. The compulsion to follow the ex’s life is so strong and only a click away…I imagine it must be what it is like for an internet porn addict. I survived my drug addiction…now I have another addiction that is so effing ironic b/c it is an obsession with the guy I broke up w/ to do drugs!!! I feel like I am in a chick lit novel or something…it’s so stupid. With all the $ I make I can’t afford a therapist b/c I make too much $ to qualify for a sliding scale, but I pay an enormous mortgage plus pre-school for our child b/c my husband brings in so much less than I do…and now with the mortgage crisis if I did leave him I would lose the $70K I sunk into our home if we tried to sell. I am also worried that if I did leave my husband I would be repeating history and regret leaving him (b/c he does love me intensely) for the rest of my life and have no way to turn back the clock.
I apologize to Susan for how incredibly long this is. Any constructive advice is welcome. Thanks so much.
Welcome! Don’t apologize for a length of a post. Talking is good.
The chasing of the fantasy might just be a clue that something is missing in your life but it doesn’t mean that your ex is necessarily it or even leaving your husband is necessarily it.
Maybe you need to focus on you and get some interests and hobbies and take care of you. You mentioned you got clean and sober. Do you go to meetings?
I think that instead of ping ponging between these two men it’s time to carve out a life for you and be your own person.
I wish I had seen this brilliant post during my weak moment weeks ago. Nevertheless, I will remember to revisit this every now and then. I am so glad it’s been bumped!
Susan
This is not exactly Myspace stuff. When we were together, my ex told him his email account password (What he actually said was..”See this is my password. Don’t you trust me enough to tell me yours”..I see through it only now)
I’ve been on NC for a week. But I keep logging in and checking his account, just to see if he is really weak as he cries on phone, or not. But as I write this, I find it as a pathetic excuse to do I DON’T KNOW WHAT. I feel sick. Why have I been logging in? Not even reading the mails…just the feeling that I can log in when he doesnt know gives me a sense of power that I never had in our relationship.
It makes me sick. I should stop it. But I don’t know how. I want to stop it..stop him and his actions and his email from affecting me in any way. Why has he applied for an off from work on my birthday(as I found out on the account)???? I don’t want to spend the day with him. I would have been better off without knowing he has taken an off. He has given me enough sickening happy days over the past 2 years.
^^
I meant that he told me his password.
You know how to stop? One of two things:
1. Tell him you have his email password and have been logging in and he should change it.
2. Decide to stop.
The moment I deleted my profile from Facebook was when he started e-mailing and then calling. He left me. He has a new girlfriend. Why does he refuse to let me go (like all the other exes he has in tow, willingly still there for him when he wants to talk)?
J.A.T.
Thanks. Never occured to me it could be that simple. And no, I’m not being sarcastic.
I was a hard-core “check Myspace” addict for months and months. I can honestly say that making the decision to stop is what makes all the difference. I blocked any site he posted on from my personal computer, and then did the same at work. After a while of not looking, you start to realize you’re doing better and really don’t care to know how the ex is doing. And it gets easier.
For me, there has been a lot of weening involved with everything. First came deciding to have NC with him, then eventually cutting off ties with his mom (who I love), then blocking them both on email, then no longer checking his sites online, then changing my number (since he won’t back off), etc. I am 7+ months into my “recovery” and just now have I made the decision that if he does find a way to contact me, I won’t read it.
It’s definitely a process. Hang in there and you’ll all be more than fine. I promise.
Thanks so much for the encouragement Susan. It really does help me to vent…also seeing my thoughts and feelings in writing…I don’t want to keep a journal in case my husband has his own compulsion to read it…even though he has previously promised not to, I understand difficulty with fighting a compulsion, obviously.
I try to have my own hobbies and interests, however with a full-time job and a preschooler I don’t have very much free time. I am going to a concert with a couple girlfriends this Saturday nite, and I am spending the night at a friends house the following wkend to play Xbox “Rockstar” with her and her brother. My husband will be staying home with our child. I workout at the gym at lunch…I am lucky enough to have an employer that has built one on-site…additionally, in the last year I went vegan…so I do care for my body. My husband and I are landscaping our backyard by ourselves and this really eats up my free time, too.
I know I am partially depressed b/c of the subprime crisis. I feel stupid that I put so much down on a home that is now worth $100K less than what I put down. I can’t walk away b/c of the downpayment and I feel like a schmuck that the gov’t is giving so much help to people who were irresponsible investors (even though I know for the nation it is economically sound) and someone like me who got a 30 year fixed and put a big down is suffering complete loss of equity for the next decade at least…so no home equity loan for me to replace the roof which will have to be done in the next couple of years…more $ stress…yuck.
I just inquired about doing a couple of volunteer hours weekly with a local women and children’s homeless shelter yesterday. I am waiting to hear back from them a/b how I can help. I am trying to shift my focus from me and my “problems” to having a real appreciation for what I have in life by doing this.
I don’t attend N.A. mtgs. I got clean by myself. I know I have issues with pretending to be “perfect” and going to mtgs would be admitting I still have a problem. It would take a lot for me to swallow my pride and show my face there. What if someone from work recognized me? Or my in-laws found out some how? My husband and my best friend since 8th grade know about my previous addiction, but no one else.
I have also tried going to church, but with so little free time, spending my Sunday mornings at church is something I haven’t been able to stick with.
I think part of my obsession with my ex really has to do with wanting to go back to the carefree days of my youth that my relationship with the ex represents to me. I know intellectually that marriage isn’t always a bowl of cherries, and wouldn’t be if I had married the ex…but I still feel the emotional compulsion to follow his life regardless of my intellectualizing the reasons why I have the compulsion.
Thoughts? Thanks again :)
This is something I have to stop doing, too. Unhealthy and ridiculous….. yup, that about sums up this habit, Susan. I’d known for a couple weeks that I needed to go cold turkey on this. Then today I was indulging, and I read something that really, really upset me. Like, bawling crying for a few hours upset. And the best part? Being that upset was completely unnecessary, if I hadn’t checked online I would have been fine today. Totally silly, but it gave me the smack upside the head I needed to stop doing this and keep working on my stuff. I realized, even when I was really upset today, that it’s not about the ex, it’s about me and how what I read made me feel about my issues. Still sucked, though.
sorry i just came across this
what to do when you have mutual friends on facebook he and i are not friends so i cant see his page but i can see when he comments on others when i go to their pages
i am sure there is a block feature?