On Deciding To Move On III

Last June I wrote this post about two types of people who never get over it. In February I had a bunch of email along those lines and I reposted the first post with some edits. Here’s the 3rd go round (with MORE edits and a story thrown in for good measure. :) ) after reading Heather’s comments in the Karma post.

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When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. ~ Helen Keller

Who doesn’t “get over” it?

The first type is the person who refuses to acknowledge that they had a loss or refuses to do any work that they need to do on themselves. They repress all the hurt and anger and go on to repeat the same mistakes over and over again with the same type of people. They might do some emoting in the beginning but they either go on as if nothing happened or stay stuck in a surface malaise. Nothing is really bad but nothing is really good either. They are maintaining and life is not about maintaining. Life is about living.

The next type who never get over it are those who get stuck in the emotional mud and never seem to get out of it. What they don’t realize is that although processing your feelings results in healing and cleansing, at some point you need to decide to get on with your life.

People get stuck in the emotional. They become used to feeling bad, wanting others to feel sorry for them and generally unable to get past it or move on. What they don’t understand is that even though you haven’t done ALL the work, you’ve done the bulk of it and even though you still feel bad to some degree, you need to make a decision to move on with things.

OR

Are you still worrying about what the ex is doing and thinking and you won’t ALLOW your grief because the ex is happy and you’re not.

STAY OUT OF THE EX’S HEAD AND THE EX’S LIFE. Otherwise you are going to be STUCK in your stuff!!!

Although we are working through the emotions and taking active steps to work through the unfinished business of the past there is another important piece of the puzzle. That is the decision to move on. The decision MUST be made to grieve and the decison MUST be made to move on. From wherever you are, you need to be honest if you’re stuck or not.

You need to do your grieving, your emotional bloodletting WITHOUT comparing yourself to your ex or what your ex is or is not doing.

You must give yourself time to feel as bad as you really feel, but you can’t stay there forever.

You need to do the Relationship Inventory. You need to see in writing what it was and let it go. The purpose of the Relationship Inventory is so that you can review it, say what you need to say, bury it and move on.

Then you MUST, MUST, MUST make a DECISION, a cognitive, affirmative decision to LET IT GO. It’s a matter of self-discipline, self-respect and self-affirmation. In order to get where you are going, you must let go of where you have been.

There is a time in the middle of obsessing about your ex when you need to turn to YOUR STUFF and do YOUR work. Then there is a time in the middle of all your work when it becomes necessary to decide that it’s time to move on. You’re done crying, done walking the floors, done moping around. You’ve reviewed it ad nauseum. You’ve had every emotional reaction that there is to have.

It’s time to begin to recognize that you have changed, that the memories don’t quite sting anymore and we don’t want to be a victim of our hurt anymore. We don’t want to live in the past anymore.

It’s a decision. A day that comes when you realize it’s time to move on.

If you haven’t cried your tears, cry them.

My last serious relationship that I broke up was to a guy who virtually (and literally) disappeared on me. I could not understand how a logistical issue had turned into a breakup nightmare. I had been in a long-term relationship with someone who wanted to talk things out because we both agreed that it was healthy. Although we came to a point where we could not move forward together, we had a nice relationship when we had it.

I tried to inject some of this into the next serious relationship and even though the guy was a therapist, he didn’t want to talk about anything. So when it was over I was left with this big pile of stinking crap and lots of questions and lots of “how the hell did this happen?”

I tried to send him some letters to explain things. Then when I felt I had made enough of a fool of myself I started writing letters I did not send. HUGE tomes to the thing that was us.

I had a small office in the basement of the condo where I lived and I sat there, in the glow of the computer screen, from February through June, I think…writing letter after letter and journaling like a maniac. I called it the E Chronicles (as his name began with E). When I would go out, I would say “I have to get home and work on the E Chronicles.” to my friends who all thought I was nuts.

We lived near a river and in June the snakes started to show up in the basement and even though I’m deathly afraid of snakes and their presence led to a few 3 Stooges like scenes in the basement with the boys chasing them around and me standing there and screaming, I STILL went down there to work on the foolish E Chronicles.

E and I connected briefly and spent 4th of July together. On July 5th I was back to wondering and waiting. He blew the very first night he was supposed to call me and I retreated to the basement…snakes or no snakes.

Sometime in August or September I realized I had frittered away some of the winter, all of the spring and most of the summer on these foolish E Chronicles and if I allowed it to go on any longer, I would be forever tethered to the computer in a snake-infested basement (okay, it wasn’t infested but in my mind one is an infestation).

So I figured I had cried, not eaten, not slept, walked the floors, went NC, broken NC, tried a “date” which didn’t work and wrote and talked my heart out. I could keep going because I’m an obsessive. logical type and I want to MAKE SENSE OF EVERYTHING. And when it doesn’t make sense I am like a dog on a rag trying to MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.

But he didn’t make sense and staying in the basement was not going to make him make sense. So I decided to come up into the light and start living my life AGAIN.

But it was a decision that had to be made. One day was NOT going to come to make me feel better and have it “just” happen. I had to DECIDE to stop the typing and get ON with life. No answers. No explanations. No sense. Just get up one day and go, “Time to stop wasting my life on foolish people….” and I did.

If you HAVE cried your tears, walked the floor, written it all out, talked to friends and/or therapists, and if you are STILL caught up in it, you have to make a decision to turn the page and turn it now.

Living life is a decision. Decide to do WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO MOVE ON and then do it. YOU CAN DO IT.