Comments on: 3/27 TFTD ~ Self-Knowledge Through Pain (again)

By: Tony

Tony — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 03:27:13 +0000

Michael,

i’m with you in spirit thru this blog. My wife of 18years left me, in part, for another man
out of the blue. For me as i look back on it i can see where we were both sweeping stuff that needed to be talked about under the carpet. So in my case i’m coming to see that this break-up isn’t as big as a surprise as i first thought. I’m completing the 7month of this grief journey and discovering that as i really focus on my health that healing is occurring. What being good to myself means for me is to accept my feelings as they come up without judgement. To eat really good food. To attend Yoga class 3times a week. To call on my family and trusted friends when i need to vent. To journal and do the excersizes in books like “Moving On” by the guys that wrote the Grief recovery handbook and “Rebuilding when your relationship ends”. It is the hardest work of my life and I know in my heart, soul and mind that the shortest path to recovery is thru the pain and finding the gold in the grief. The time will come when i will look back and say that this break-up was the best thing that ever happened to me. Not today. Not yet, but with work in time i will accept and integrate my huge loss and reorganize my life into a rich a rewarding existence.

By: Michael York

Michael York — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 04:30:56 +0000

Thank you, Jenny. A lot of that makes sense. I’m going on 5 months of heartache after my wife of 6 years left me, in part, for another man, out of the blue. Still hurting. Still grieving.

Thank you, Susan, for this site.

Michael

By: susangpyp

susangpyp — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 00:12:03 +0000

Thanks Jenny.

When I was brand new to all of this…I mean one or two therapy sessions and so freaking screwed up, my therapist suggeste a book called The Adult Children of Alcoholics Workbook by Patti McConnell (I use Patti’s work in some of my defense mechanism workshops) and it said, at the end of the first chapter, “You are a child of an alcoholic. And you are healing.”

And I broke down and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I think that when you get into touch with your own need to heal, you are on the journey. It sounds like that Once moment that you had.

Since that day I have never stopped. :)

By: susangpyp

susangpyp — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 00:08:21 +0000

Vanessa: that’s the address. It should work.

By: Jenny

Jenny — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 17:29:52 +0000

Michael,
Great question and one I struggled with often. I had a good friend who taught me a lot about this subject – thankfully. To me it means to treat ourselves as we would want others to treat us. Essentially, the opposite of the old adage to treat others as we would want to be treated. To attended to our own needs both mind and body, to respect and forgive our self (stop the damning and shaming stuff), and to give our self as much of a break as we give others. We can be our own worst enemies and it’s sad. Most of the time, we forget ourselves and it takes an event (like a heartbreak) to remind us that somewhere in the mix, we stopped being good to ourselves (because we were enmeshed in being good to everyone else.) I like the visual of putting your own air mask on before you help others with theirs.
There are lyrics from the movie Once that go: “You have suffered enough and warred with yourself - its time that you won.” When I heard that, I felt instant compassion for my own feelings and wellbeing. The world is tough on each of us; we don’t need to add to the harshness by joining in.
Jenny

By: Michael York

Michael York — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 15:34:34 +0000

What does it mean to be good to yourself?

Michael

By: Jenny

Jenny — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 12:50:45 +0000

Susan: This is one I would add to the top 10.
Jenny

By: Vanessa

Vanessa — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 12:33:12 +0000

Hey Susan,
I tried the email address you gave me, susan@gettingpastyourpast.com and im not getting through to that address. I’d really love to write you…your assistance would be deeply appreciated. I trust that you are feeling better ?