3/27 TFTD ~ Self-Knowledge Through Pain (again)
March 27, 2008 by susangpyp
I wrote some of this last April but it seems to logically follow the Karma post so I will repost.
Grief can have a quality of profound healing because we are forced to a depth of feeling that is usually below the threshold of awareness. Though many of our motivations come from this level of fear, of loss, yet we don’t know where these volitions originate. We simply find ourselves lost in action, in anger or fear, pushing away others, grasping at what we imagined to be our safety, constantly guarding our heart.
This tearing open of the heart leaves us exposed to that which has caused us and our loved ones the pain of imagined separateness so often before. This experience of discovery that grief leads us to is, for some, like going below ground level to look at the roots of a tree whose branches and twigs, leaves and flowers were all you thought were meaningful.
It is the tree of life, of your life… ~ Stephen Levine
I’ve said it on here many times…grief is the most emotionally difficult experience a person can have. Yet, it is also can be a time of great healing, of great change and of growth. That is, if you allow the grief to run its course, to be gentle with yourself in the process and allow it to bring you where you need to go.
Pushing away the great pain is human but if you know that in the pain is great hope, is great learning, is the opportunity for a great life, you will go through easier and come out wiser.
Even on the most horribly painful days, remember that if you allow you your grief and allow you your learning and BE GOOD to yourself during this time…and INSIST that others be good to you as well, you will come out stronger, better, wiser and more self-aware.
Use pain wisely…otherwise there is no reason for it and suffering for suffering sakes is never a good state of things. Be gentle, be good, be knowing. It will lead you to great things inside you. Trust that it will.
Hey Susan,
I tried the email address you gave me, susan@gettingpastyourpast.com and im not getting through to that address. I’d really love to write you…your assistance would be deeply appreciated. I trust that you are feeling better ?
Susan: This is one I would add to the top 10.
Jenny
What does it mean to be good to yourself?
Michael
Michael,
Great question and one I struggled with often. I had a good friend who taught me a lot about this subject – thankfully. To me it means to treat ourselves as we would want others to treat us. Essentially, the opposite of the old adage to treat others as we would want to be treated. To attended to our own needs both mind and body, to respect and forgive our self (stop the damning and shaming stuff), and to give our self as much of a break as we give others. We can be our own worst enemies and it’s sad. Most of the time, we forget ourselves and it takes an event (like a heartbreak) to remind us that somewhere in the mix, we stopped being good to ourselves (because we were enmeshed in being good to everyone else.) I like the visual of putting your own air mask on before you help others with theirs.
There are lyrics from the movie Once that go: “You have suffered enough and warred with yourself - its time that you won.” When I heard that, I felt instant compassion for my own feelings and wellbeing. The world is tough on each of us; we don’t need to add to the harshness by joining in.
Jenny
Vanessa: that’s the address. It should work.
Thanks Jenny.
When I was brand new to all of this…I mean one or two therapy sessions and so freaking screwed up, my therapist suggeste a book called The Adult Children of Alcoholics Workbook by Patti McConnell (I use Patti’s work in some of my defense mechanism workshops) and it said, at the end of the first chapter, “You are a child of an alcoholic. And you are healing.”
And I broke down and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I think that when you get into touch with your own need to heal, you are on the journey. It sounds like that Once moment that you had.
Since that day I have never stopped. :)
Thank you, Jenny. A lot of that makes sense. I’m going on 5 months of heartache after my wife of 6 years left me, in part, for another man, out of the blue. Still hurting. Still grieving.
Thank you, Susan, for this site.
Michael
Michael,
i’m with you in spirit thru this blog. My wife of 18years left me, in part, for another man
out of the blue. For me as i look back on it i can see where we were both sweeping stuff that needed to be talked about under the carpet. So in my case i’m coming to see that this break-up isn’t as big as a surprise as i first thought. I’m completing the 7month of this grief journey and discovering that as i really focus on my health that healing is occurring. What being good to myself means for me is to accept my feelings as they come up without judgement. To eat really good food. To attend Yoga class 3times a week. To call on my family and trusted friends when i need to vent. To journal and do the excersizes in books like “Moving On” by the guys that wrote the Grief recovery handbook and “Rebuilding when your relationship ends”. It is the hardest work of my life and I know in my heart, soul and mind that the shortest path to recovery is thru the pain and finding the gold in the grief. The time will come when i will look back and say that this break-up was the best thing that ever happened to me. Not today. Not yet, but with work in time i will accept and integrate my huge loss and reorganize my life into a rich a rewarding existence.