Being Friends With the Ex Redux
March 23, 2008 by susangpyp
I wrote this last year and have recently edited it to include more thoughts.
Trying To Be Friends With The Ex
A big, looming question after the breakup seems to be: “Can we still be friends?”
Unfortunately the answer is probably no.
There are several reasons for this, but first and foremost is that even after the most amicable breakup, the people involved need some time so they can work through their feelings and sift through the ruins of the relationship. Even if it was not an emotional high-wire act, as many breakups are, there needs to be time apart to break the bond of “the couple.”
Each person needs to separate and go back to being an individual without being a part of the couple. In other words, to lose the “couple” identity. Each person needs to do their work and become an individual once again. Each needs to deal with the breakup in their own way and DEFINITELY separate and apart and away from the scrutiny of the person they just broke up with.
Most people cannot remain friends after a breakup but if it ever is to be, it will be later…much later.
The atmosphere immediately following a breakup is too emotionally charged for it to happen right away, if at all. You may not even realize that there is anger, resentment, and residual hurt. You might not realize that you care, really care, what this person thinks of you. You might not realize that there are things you cannot and will not tolerate in a friend that this person has. You may not realize that there are thing you must have in a friend that this person lacks.
You might not realize that you treat this person differently, and will continue to treat this person differently than all your other friends. You get more easily offended. Little things bother you that would not bother you with your friends. You absolutely think about this person a lot more than any of your other friends. Did this person suddenly become your BFF? No. This person is just in some weird category that no one else is in and you don’t know how to handle it. They want to be friends. That doesn’t mean you should be.
When you are friends with the ex, especially right away, you exist in some weird “in between” world where you’re no longer lovers but not really friends. The landscape is different and sometimes difficult. In between world is a strange place that most people shouldn’t visit because it’s just tough to adjust to most of the time.
Sometimes both people are “okay” with the breakup and try to be friends too early. I know one couple who had dinner every now and again after they broke up. They told everyone they were “friends” and liked to check in now and again. One night, about 2 months after the breakup, the dinner turned into a teary shouting match. Neither was prepared for it but both were moving onto other people and the revelation at dinner brought up all kinds of emotions that neither knew were there. If you’re going to be friends, EVER, the first six months is probably not the time no matter how amicable it seems on the surface.
The person who pushes to “be friends” is usually the one who has unfinished business but doesn’t want to own that or doesn’t want the responsibility of the relationship but is unwilling to completely relinquish the ex. That is a selfish motive and not fair to the other person. Do your work and let the other person do their work and heal. It is not fair to string someone along as a “friend” because you can’t deal with the pain of having them out of your life completely. As with any post-breakup dealings with the ex:Examine your motives.
A coworker recently said to me, “I want to be friends after the breakup and she doesn’t. She’s a terrific person and I don’t want her out of my life.”
If you’re the one who is asking to be friends, AGAIN: examine your motives. Are you trying to stave off the grief? Are you playing a game? Are you unwilling to really break all ties but don’t want the relationship either? Benefits without responsibility? That’s dysfunctional and wrong (as are any “friends with benefits” scenarios that sometimes follow a “breaking up as a couple.”)
Sometimes people can’t do “endings“. If you can’t do endings (if you’re still friends with absolutely everyone you’ve gone out with), you might need to think about that. Others just don’t end things and don’t know how. If your ex is one of those, don’t let him or her lead the way. Take charge of ending it and not remaining friends.
If you are the one who isn’t able to end things, don’t inject your inability to come to terms with the end of the relationship on the other person. It’s simply not fair. Yes, she’s hurt. And you’re making things worse. If she was so terrific, you’d still be with her. You cannot have it both ways. Leave it alone.
If you are the person who did not break up and is doing the contact, this is not a good plan. You need to move on. The other person needs to move on. If you are emailing or calling or texting and they are not answering, stop doing it. Sit on your hands if you need to. It’s humiliating. Leave it alone and get on with your life. It’s hard but it has to be done.
If you are managing to engage him/her, how does it feel afterwards? Do you feel good or did you just postpone the inevitable once again? Or did they let you know ITS REALLY OVER and you’re not hearing it or still looking for clues in what they are saying or doing that it is really not. Stop torturing yourself.
BURY IT.
If you’re the person who is being asked, say no. Short and sweet. Pure and simple. NO.
Don’t try to explain or rationalize…just say no or maybe no, not now. The problem with saying “not now” is that it will usually be followed by “When?” and you just don’t know. No is a one-word sentence. Say it and then go. No further explanation necessary.
If the other person is saying that they just can’t NOT have you in their life but didn’t treat you right when you were together, one word: TOUGH. They should have thought of this before. Relationships take two people. So do friendships. The relationship didn’t work. If your ex is not listening to your feelings now and still not doing right by you, the friendship is not going to work either. Find new friends who treat you right. INSIST on being treated well in ALL relationships. Your ex did not treat you well. Buh. Bye.
I had an ex tell me he wanted to be friends. I said, “My friends don’t treat me like you did.” Simple. Plain. I have standards in my friendships. You don’t meet them. Buh. Bye.
Some people insist that they are friends with all of their exes and that they don’t exist in in-between world, they exist in a good world where their ex just fits in right there with all the other friends. That doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do or that it’s okay or that it’s really working. Maybe that person hasn’t ever really attached and therefore doesn’t ever need to un-attach completely. Some people just operate that way. Some people NEED to be friends with their exes to show just how special, forgiving and damn right fabulous they are. Well you don’t need to need that because that’s a strange need.
Just because some people can do and do do it, who cares? Some people go jumping out of airplanes. If you want to jump out an airplane, be my guest. But if you’re someone who wants to stay firmly on the ground, don’t let the plane jumpers convince you there is something is wrong with you for that. It is OKAY to not be friends with your ex. It is OKAY even if your ex gives you 400 million reasons why they can’t just let you go or if someone comes along and says, “You should be friends.” It matters what is okay with you not anyone else.
Be honest that it’s not working. Be honest that the “in-between” world, somewhere between lovers and friends is a bit creepy and very unsettling and takes up way too much of your emotional energy. Get out of in-between world.
Trying to be friends with the ex is usually a losing proposition. If it’s dead, bury it. Move on. Find friends you haven’t slept with and be okay with that. Tell your ex this isn’t/won’t work for you and know you have the right to say that.
Then end it and move on.
Awesome post. Thanks. This is one of the thing I struggled with the most after my breakup. It’s good to know that I am not some horrible, spiteful, unreasonable, weak, and psychotic person for refusing to be his friend (like all of his other exes apparently so easily did.)
Lisa Anne
Susan, Thank you, thank you again. I am finally over 30 days with NC and I spent a year trying and wanting to be a friend with my ex. Everything you described I became. I thought I was ok with being his friend but I became enraged and critical of him all the time. He hurt me constantly without meaning to. I cried and cried and he would try to comfort me. Nothing worked. He finally got so frustrated with our friendship and my denial about how I felt about him that he said that I could not contact him for any reason. PLEASE STOP contacting me. I was so humiliated. I continued to be humiliated over and over before that email. I became obsessed. Normally I consider myself to be intelligent, emotionally savy and understand relationship issues. I was completely blindsided by my own abandonment issues and unwillingness to let something that was already over go. I still am realing from stupping so low and allowing me to become so irrational. your blog, my therapist, and medicine has helped but greiving is a long process. I have hope though and I must keep going
Jennie
Jennie,
Please don’t blame yourself for anything you did back then. It’s terribly hard to let go, especially for a kindhearted person like you, who attaches at a deep level (these are the very qualities that will eventually give you the wonderful life you deserve). I’ve been there too, believe me, and spent six months still in close contact after the breakup, not really being able to absorb what had happened, thinking it would all change back magically somehow, and feeling completely miserable both in my interactions with him and on my own. NC and Susan and the other posters here saved me.
You’re right that the grieving is a long process and a unique one for each of us. The important thing is not to beat yourself up for the way you’ve done it or how long it takes. You are doing everything you should be to get better, so try to give yourself credit for all you’ve done. It’s overwhelming to find yourself dealing with so many issues at once (it has been for me, too), but even though it might seem otherwise sometimes (especially with an ex who moves on quickly), YOU are the strong one here, for having the courage to take your time and look within and try to figure out how to heal yourself.
Lots of love and courage to you and everyone struggling today! It will get better.
Susan,
Thank you for this. It was so timely, as I’d felt myself wavering lately (the time of year maybe?). I’ve read it many times over the last few months and it’s helped me keep to NC probably more than any other post. But I especially needed the part you added about the “in-between”ness—that’s exactly what it was like for me. A terrible place to be. Had I “stayed” there, I don’t think I’d have made any progress toward being happy. I would have had to accept his assessment of me, instead of my own, and with his voice in my ear I wouldn’t have been able to muster the confidence to say yes to my own life. You have to wonder why a “friend” would want to condemn you to that, don’t you?
Great post. I had to deal with something close to this, though it wasn’t exactly “being friends”. My ex broke up with me in Oct. Alhough she told me it had nothing to do w/ me, that no one has ever treated her as good as I did, she said she just didn’t love me, and that it had everything to do w/ her and not me. I’m still not sure I believe that, but then again, we really never argued or did any hurtful things, I wanted a future and she didn’t.
Anyway, she ends it in October, so I go into no contact (which was hard, but necessary, especially since I didn’t want the break-up). Suddenly, out of nowhere, she e-mails me in Dec. and asks me how I was doing and tells me she has some of my stuff (dvds, tools, etc), and asks if she could bring it over to return it to me. After much rumination, I write back and say words to the effect of, “Hey, thanks for the offer, but I really don’t need that stuff, use it in good health, although I appreciate your offering to brig it back, happy new year and merry Christmas.” Okay, problem solved, cudos for me for not giving in (I wanted to see her desperately), right? WRONG, I totally messed up, and here’s how, she writes me back, puts a bunch of question marks in her text and says “Huh? I guess I’ll just mail it to you.” I should’ve left it at that, but I was an idiot.
I should’ve gone right to this website (which at the time I was faithfully reading) and sat on my hands, but I didn’t. I called her, yeah, I got what I desreved. We had a great conversation. I explained to her why it really wasn’t good for me to see her (she didn’t understand), we talked nicely about our break-up, and she further reiterated that there was nothing I could’ve done and that she really just has to work through her own issues. So I agree to allow her to bring the stuff over, and we officially enter the “in between” zone. SUCH A BAD IDEA. You see, I was totally not over it, and she was.
Fast forward to February, oh I’m still not over it at that point. She brings the stuff over, and it’s all bad for me inside. We talk, we make nice (we never fought or had any huge diagreements so making nice was easy) but inside I’m dying. So after small talk she says, “see, was it that bad seeing me”, and that’s when I realized this was all such a bad idea. So, I nicely told her, “actually, for me, it is.” I further told her words to the effect of (and in a nice calm tone), “listen, I’m not trying to put anything on you, but I didn’t want this break up, so for me it’s difficult, I know I shouldn’t be saying this, these are my feelings and I need to own them, but for me to move on, I can’t see you, this was a bad idea that I let happen, but for me it is difficult . . . . so, since we are probably never going to see each other again, do take care, and have a good life.” She looked at me like I had 5 heads, and then told me, “oh you’ll be fine.” Right then and there, I realized, this women doesn’t get it because she’s completely over it, and that’s okay, BUT, and here’s the important point . . . I’M NOT OVER IT, and she does not need to be part of my getting over it, it’s not fair to her, and it’s not fair to me.
So, I simply and politely stated, “Yes, I will be fine, life is not going to end, but for now I’m not fine and I have to work on getting fine.” She got it, she knew that we were in different places, and she excused herself and there’s been no contact since.
So the moral of the story is this, you get what you desreve when you make contact, and it only gets worse if you enter the in-between zone. I had made A LOT of progress before she came over. That 10 minute encounter set me back BIG TIME. I’m not whining about it, water seeks its own level and I certainly brought that one on myself (heck, she offered to mail the stuff and I said no bring it over, bad, bad, bad, bad decision). In fact, she even said as much to me, she noted, “you had the option for me to mail the stuff”, then she said “I could’ve just dropped it off, but that would’ve been ruder”, followe by, “It’s my fault, I should’ve done this a few days after we broke up but I just did’t think of it.” ALL, fair points, and all true. I brought it on myself. So, for all of you in something similar, don’t give in, don’t go there, let the other person be, have them mail the stuff, have them drop it off, but don’t go to the “being friends zone”, it probably will not end well.
jennie, i wanted to ask you what you were saying to your ex when you were contacting him. were you saying that you want to be his friend or were you talking about going back together? were you indeed believing that you two could be friends or you just needed his news? i am sorry for asking this, you don’t really have to answer if you don’t feel like talking about it. i am asking you because i have friends who say the can stay friends with their ex-es immediately after the break up but me personally i cannot imagine being friends with my ex. i don’t think i could see him and talk about the weather or his new girls or whatever else, it is going to be too excruciating to bear. i don’t want to see his face again or, ok, to be less mean, i can bear seeing his face again but not now- later, much later, and only sporadically. i don’t think i could have a conversation with him either, not talking about a friendly chat.
mike, yea same here, i was doing fine but i gave in and i got what i deserved- although i turned him down, i realized that he did not even care about this rejection and was just trying his luck, from which i felt much worse than i had been feeling before this contact.
it is a bit too rude of your ex to say “oh you’ll be fine” and so to invalidate completely your feelings and sufferings. this happened in its own manner with me too and i truly wanted to slap my ex to help his displaced brain fall into its place. my impression is that this kind of people are a bit too egoist and incapable of seeing things from another perspective than their own. it has to do a lot with personality
Waterlilly, thanks for the comment, I see what you’re saying. I never really saw my ex as an “egoist”. I always saw her as this nice, caring, all-together mom who basically has it all perfect (i.e close family, great daughter, etc.) and I missed the boat with her. I took her “you’ll be fine” comment to mean that since her and I never declared our un-dying love for each other, how could I be so upset now. Truth be told, at one point, early on in the reationship, I did tell her that we had sort of a “part-time” relationship, only in the sense that we just didn’t see each other all the time. At the time I said it, it was true, and she didn’t object. But after a year and a half, it certainly was not part time anymore, a point I thought was made clear as I thought we were “naturally” progressing. I also thought that since she was involving me with her and her daughter, and her family, and I had taken her home to meet my parents, that all of these actions were not those of 2 people in a part-time relationship. I suppose I should’ve commuicated more, I just thought the actions were so clear. Point being, my feelings are my feelings and you’re right, she shouldn’t invalidate them, thanks!
Mike and Waterlilly, thanks for your posts. I had been in NC with my ex for three months when he sent me a Christmas card. I was happy to get the card — until I opened and read his message. His message: he was dating someone and it was feeling good. Like you Mike, getting this info set me back, or pushed me into a new grieving cycle ,except this time I was dealing with feelings of rejection along with the loss.
As I consider what you are both sharing, I think that I was lucky to get the card with that info. I was lucky because until I got that card I believe that, in the back of my heart, I was thinking that we would get together as friends, do things, when he came to the city where I live. (We lived in separate cities, and had a long-distance relationship.) As a result of getting that card, and my ensuing panic that he might want to “share” some more, I sent him a two-lined note telling him I didn’t want to communicate with him and to not contact me in any way.
I got that card in December and I haven’t heard from him since. And… he never came to my city, where he’d wintered for the last couple of years. I was spared having to run into him in our common circles.
As I go through this process of feeling my feelings of loss and grief, I realize how important it’s been to have compassion for MYSELF. And this NC stuff is pretty new to me. Like anything else I’m learning to do, I’m not going to know how to do it BEFORE I do it. I don’t need to add to my pain by chastising myself for my experiments with contacting the person. Sometimes that’s the best, albeit painful, way to learn. I guess I don’t feel like either of you “deserved the pain” we feel when we reconnect with exes.
So much of this is trial and error:life,relationships. Now, you found out. You tried contact, and you just found out…
Take care.
first of all bluebird, thank you so much for the encouragement. It is hard to not blame myself because I knew I needed no contact but wasnt strong enough to go there. I am still upset that it played out to where he had to make the break I am better now 30 days plus. I still miss him terribly but I feel less desparate and raw than before.
Waterlily, I truly wanted to be friends. I really believed I was ok and over him. I had become so frustrated with him even when we dated. We were so different in so many ways. although I knew in my head he was not the guy for me my heart really held on to the hope that we would be together no matter what. my ex was aware of this more than I. He would begin to discuss interest in another woman and i would be hurt and upset. He in turn would feel bad that I felt bad, but also frustrated that I had assured him that all I wanted from him was a friendship. He was tired of being the source of my hurt. At the same time I think there was a real part of him that selfishly wanted me as a friend but did not love me the way he would love a girl friend.
I am so glad to have found this site. I sort of broke up with my partner of 3yrs in Oct/Nov of last year, finally voicing the “this is it” speech to him in December after a really raw couple of months. I wish I’d found this site then as I would not feel as badly as I do at the moment.
We both moved on, and in early Jan I contacted him to see how things were, *bad move*. He’d met someone else. The signals I was getting were all confused as he was talking about his new g/f and also happy to see me, in a more private one on one setting. I want him back but I loathe how I end up feeling when I spend too much time with him, I feel angry, hurt, bitter, ugly inside, a whole range of emotions that I thought I’d finally gotten rid of, when I left him. I’ve only left myself wide open to feeling them and the subsequent rejection.
I have been saying a “mantra”, as my blood flows, the feelings for him will go, and it has seemed to have eased my pain slightly but still, I am “lost”. I am thankful for this site and the empowerment I am getting from it. I have only just started on this path in earnest, and I look forward to the day I can look back and smile.
Racheal, you may want to tweak your mantra by putting it in a present tense- “is flowing…is going”, or your mind may always keep the going in the future…
I will never forget what it felt like to hear “I can only live with you as friends right now.” I didn’t want to walk away regretting not having given my all so I stayed for 5 more months. 5 terrible, anxious, devastating, spirit and self esteem killing months. Having been deceived by him for so long, and now finding out more and more truth, I could never trust him enough to even talk to him. I am so thankful for all that I have learned and all that I now Know, but I still have difficulty with how I feel. I will get there.
I found a quote from Eat.Pray.Love this weekend and wanted to share it. I wrote it on my bathroom mirror in red lipstick so that everytime I see my reflection I also see the message :
“You gotta stop wearin’ a wish bone where your back bone should be”
Good luck to you all. You are all fabulous, amazing, caring, understanding people who should not settle for less then they deserve in ANY realm of their life!!!!
My ex ended the relationship and in the same breath she ended it she wanted to be friends. I initially said no…there is a reason why we do that and should listen to our first answer! Then we emailed a few days later, she wanted to get together, I asked what her intent was. She said she wnated to be friends. I should of listened to my head but ended up meeting with her. She flirted all night called me the little names she called me in the relationship. Next day I called her on her behaviour and she wasn’t willing to take any responsibility for her behaviour. She said she ‘goofs’ around with all her friends. I emaield her and told her that my friends are a little more sensitive and friendship is equal. I went NC for 5 weeks. Thought I was ready for contact….emaield and thanked her for respecting my NC. WE emailed back and forth and she said that she had something of mine. I told her she could send, drop it off or we could get together. She wanted to get together asked me when and I gave her some days etc…never heard from her again.
I decided that the in-between place really is no fun. In fact for me it is the most painful place to be. I was irritated that she had said that she will le me ‘guide’ how much contact we have. That is like saying I will control you controling me. It also means that she has zero responsibility for the ‘friendship’. I sent my goodbye email telling her that you dumped me and that si a clear message that you no longer want me in your life. You can’t have it both ways. It was hard sending the email. But I know it was the most empowering and healthy thing for me to do. I found this site and read the posts and feel that I am not alone but also realise that I should of followed my instinct right from the beginning ..that the dysfunctional friendship dance is not a dance that I want to do.
Good for you, Addicus. You’re strong to do this. It feels like hell, especially at first, but it will help. Things will get easier. Keep doing small kindnesses for yourself each day—anything at all that comforts you—and speak positively to yourself; don’t self-blame and shame. Hang in there, and just know that you’re not alone.
Wishing you well tonight! (-;
Hope,
I know, I still have that same disconnect you describe between knowing and feeling. But do you know how much stronger you sound? I’m really glad for you, and thanks so much for the “backbone” message. I need that one, too. (-;
You’re right, we ARE amazing! And we’re gonna make it.
Good thoughts coming your way right now..
I’ve read some of the comments and I can strongly relate each situation. In my situation, I was the dumpee. We officially broke up February 1, 2008. I did everything right. I put all items that reminded of him away. I was determined to not call him back. I mailed him his house keys, but that was only because the keys were his and it was the right thing to do. Strangely enough, it was him that had problems with complete separation. It appears that he has moved on and expects for me to be in the same place. He wants to be friends with me. The truth is that I know that I can’t. I fear that my emotions will interfere with our relationship. I need time to process my feelings and as the article stated going from a place of thinking of us as a “couple” versus friends.” I have attempted to break it off with him completely. I refused to return his phone calls for one month. He would call me sporadically and tell me how he missed me or was thinking of me. Each time, I heard the message it would set me back and I was not able to move on. Again, I attempted to end it with him again. He sent me an e-mail telling me how much that he loved me and how he could not figure out why I was hurt or confused. He also called me and left me a voice mail message. I’m not sure what to do at this point and time, but I realize that keeping him in my life is keeping me from moving on with my life. Thank you for all your responses as it has helped me understand that I’m not psycho or weird, but just a human who is capable of forming an attachment with another human being and that the feelings that I currently feel will not last forever. Thanks a bunch!
Lisa,
It doesn’t matter if your ex cannot ‘figure it out’. That’s not his job. This is *your choice* to go NC and he needs to respect that. You might consider telling him that it is normal and very recommended for people to break of contact totally after a breakup– and tell him no email, phone, messages, etc. You can decide how long it’s going to go on. If he doesn’t respect that, you have more decisions to make. It’s totally fair of you to keep time to yourself to heal.
Lisa,
I’m in the same boat as you, but I dumped him. And with it, I ended my codependency, so I’m still dealing with my decision to do that. In the meantime, he sends me text messages, tries to ask me to dinner, and I made the mistake of going once… but not again, even after he asked me out two more times. That one meeting for dinner spoke volumes to me about how neither one of us was ready, that I had not moved on yet, and that it was way, WAY too soon to try to be friends after spending three years together.
I found out he’s already dating, only 6 weeks after the breakup… and that’s all I needed to decide that NC was right for me. I don’t need to be worrying about what he’s doing, who he’s doing it with. It’s not worth it, and it sends me right back to square one in this whole grief process. It’s time to worry about ME for a change. I repeat those words to myself every time I want to go digging for dirt on him… and as much as my hands may hurt from sitting on them, every day truly does get easier.
Hang in there! This board is great! :)
My ex is having a hard time letting go of us being friends in the post-breakup stage and still expects me to listen to his self-pitying about how miserable he is and support him, when all I want is time and space away from him. After all, he was the one who broke it off. He continually breaks my NC rule and has now started sending me disturbing messages like “my soul is empty”, “I destroyed us” and one that implied that he knew what was going on in my head, even though he has no idea. I’m finding this really hard to deal with and it’s distracting me from working on myself, because I’m worrying so much about his state of mind and what message he might send next. What do I do?
Hi Heather,
Reading your post, my heart goes out to you. I think it is selfish and cruel that your ex is sending you such messages. That is manipulative.
You sound like you are trying with ALL your might to stay healthy, stay away, and do for yourself what is healing. I hope for your sake that you will get to a point where his texts of regret/remorse just cause a “reinforcement” in you, that you will not be yanked around. It is okay to get really angry about this yo-yo thing he is doing.
My ex-husband did that for a while, and it caused SO much damage!
Best of luck to you. And if you truly are worried about his mental state, then he needs a good therapist. (which is not you.) He can dump his stuff THERE. Not on YOU.
Get yourself rooted with great friends who can support you now, and help you stay clear.
Heather,
You can electronically block emails and voicemails. If you don’t know how, find someone technical who can. Or change both. Its worth it, for the small amount of hassle.
Good comments. I wish I could get some advice on sleep. I can only sleep in bursts of few hours. Dreaming about it, and waking up back into reality, feel like I’m starting over. It hurts.