Patient: Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
Doctor: Don’t do that.
~ Henny Youngman
We’ve been having a little chat on the email group about what one member dubbed, succinctly, “My Space Drama.”
In one of the “After the Breakup” posts or No Contact with the ex posts, I say very clearly: STAY OFF HIS OR HER MYSPACE PAGE, FACEBOOK PAGE, LIVE JOURNAL or whatever the hell else is out there in digital footprint land.
Let me be clear: This is not a rant against MySpace. MySpace doesn’t hurt people. People who use MySpace to hurt people hurt people. And people who get hurt on there and go back for more are looking for trouble. Looking for more heartache.
Have you been hurt by some bananahead’s ranking of you? Have you been demoted recently? Have your pictures been taken down? Is there a new person in your place? Are your insides churning? Are you tracking every movement he or she makes? Are you interpreting everything he or she does and trying to figure out which things are really secret messages to you? Are you putting crap up on your MySpace page to get them jealous? angry? sad?
How about Match.com…are you looking at his or her profile and figuring how when he or she is on line? Has he or she suddenly made themselves available again and you’re dying because you can’t stop looking at it.
WELL STOP IT.
STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT.
Immediately delete MySpace from your computer. Stay off of Match.com. Delete Facebook and Live Journal and whatever else is out there.
Playing games through these idiotic social networking sites is unhealthy and ridiculous. RIDICULOUS. Repeat after me: UNHEALTHY AND RIDICULOUS.
Healthy people don’t do this. Healthy people don’t spend their lives trying to send subliminal messages to people who may or may not be reading. Healthy people don’t spend time trying to outmanuveur someone else by random ranking of vacuous people met in cyberspace. Healthy people don’t sit there and try to figure out what a drop in rank really means. Healthy people say good riddance to bad rubbish and call it a day.
SAY GOOD RIDDANCE AND CALL IT A DAY.
What are you looking at? What sort of information are you getting? How do you know that the information is real OR relevant? How do you know that whatever is going on (your photo down, another’s photo up, ranking, demotion etc) is even real? How do you know you are not being manipulated to STAY IN THE GAME. How do you know that?
The ONLY WAY TO WIN IS TO NOT PLAY THE GAME. By participating in MySpace follies, YOU are playing the game.
We are not Pavlov’s dogs on MySpace. We are not drooling when the bell goes off. If we are then something is wrong. You are programming yourself to look and to wonder and to whine and to stay weak when you need to be getting stronger. The endless peeking and worrying is just going to deplete you. You need to stay out of the ex’s head (for the 150th time) and being on MySpace is staying in his or her head.
Then you see something you don’t want to see and you react. STOP REACTING TO THIS STUFF. Stay off MySpace etc. Stop worrying about what the ex is or is not doing or who he or she is or is not replacing you with.
When you are tempted to do this GET AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER. Go out for a walk (there’s a whole world out there that does not exist in cyberspace!)….write in your journal (long hand…turn off the computer)….call a friend…figure out a new hobby. DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE.
Checking and rechecking MySpace gets to be an addiction and like an addiciton you need to go cold turkey to get clean. Move off the dime and get away from the keyboard and live your own life and stop peeking at the goings on of your moving on ex.
It is time to BUILD A LIFE OF YOUR OWN, not to be compulsively checking up on your ex. If you were doing this in person you’d be driving by the house or hanging up the phone. This is just as bad but much easier….so STOP IT.
There was an old Simpsons episode where Lisa kept poking Bart and he kept saying “Quit it. Ow. Quit it. Ow. Quit it. Ow.“
This is you and your ex. You’re not choosing to move away or do anything to make it stop. You’re just standing there while someone pokes at you. Quit it. Ow. Quit it. Ow.
Saying Quit it OW is NOT going to make it stop.
You MUST walk away. You must decide that you have had enough.
Go out for a walk, join a gym, GET A LIFE but GET OFF OF MYSPACE.
Does it hurt when you do that?
DON’T DO THAT!!!
.
Susan, you are a miracle sent to me (and others). Yep…at 44 years of age, I was up most of the night last night creating a bigger better prettier myspace page and trying to get more people to join mine then him and his new girlfriend have on theirs that are linked together. How did you know it was me checking both their pages many times a day looking for a glimpse of what this person looks like? He told me about his page but neglected to tell me about them dating again and being linked together. Now I can’t stop myself. I want him to desire me, not her. Just when I think I am ok with it all I start obseesing again and this mean nasty jealous person comes out of me. I know I need to let myself let go but how do I stay consistant with the process? We have to communicate due to kids but every time we do I just re-direct to her and my obsession with them.
I did set a huge boundary actually two, this weekend and of course he is reacting by avoiding communicating regarding the kids unless he calls me or emails me. The more boundaries I set the more he runs to her. Yet I want respect. Actually, I want more then that but all he does is use my emotions to manipulate me and I continue allowing it.
Anyways, I digress…I just don’t think it is a coincidence that this myspace drama is happening to me right now and you posted about it. Thank you for reaching out to me and others like me!
[...] Susan J. Elliott wrote an interesting post today on MySpace DramaHere’s a quick excerptHenny Youngman We’ve been having a little chat on the email group about what one member dubbed, succinctly, “My Space Drama.” In one of the “After the Breakup” posts or No Contact with the ex posts, I say very clearly: […] [...]
If you “block” the person on Facebook, you won’t be able to see them. I realize this is only good for people who won’t give in and unblock them. But it is *true* that these cybersocial nets *are* part of making a life for oneself.
I agree that if you CAN’T stay off that person’s page, just GET OFF. I got on through accident (when you join, if you give it permission to go through old email addresses…it pulls up all those on…), and then BLOCKED and WILL NOT hurt myself again by getting on. (Talk about acting to hurt oneself! Ouch! Mistake! Not again.)
I guess I like pain.
Hi Beth: maybe you could set boundaries about communication with the kids. With my ex we communicated every other Friday and that was it. I dropped off the kids every other Friday night and usually his girlfriend was with her kids at their soccer practice.
Although she used to time him and how long he was talking to me, we typically talked about any issues then. We never called and didn’t have email at the time. It was every other Friday and that was it. I did it for 10 years so I know it’s possible to keep communication to a minimum. On Sundays she was usually with him when he dropped them back off. It’s really possible to keep kid stuff business like and to the minimum.
Do your best to stay out of the MySpace place. Progress not perfection.
After painfully discovering my ex-fiances new relationship through photos posted on MySpace and Facebook, I closed all my accounts so that I was no longer tempted to look. I’ve also blocked my ex on google chat so he can not see when I am online (and vice versa).
I realize that these sites are fun for social networking (I actually met my fiance through MySpace!) However, they are evil web sites when it comes to cutting someone out of your life. The day his status changed from “In a relationship” to “Single” cut like a knife. Susan is so right about this! It just causes hurt to look at their lives online, and while you’re looking at their lives, you are not living YOURS.
Thank you Susan for this, it’s something that has plaguing me since my ex and I broke up. The whole “falling the ranks”, deletion of pictures, keeping track of what she did and all the analyzing… it was hell.
I decided I had enough and took things into my own hands last month and removed her from my friends list (it was tough and I spent several days in misery after). I also took some other precautions to make sure I wouldn’t look. Recently though I found out she was coming home for a bit through a friends page while innocently browsing… now it seems as if I can’t stop. Her profile is set to private so I can’t see a lot of things (thank God) but I can still see the profile picture, her status, and how she feels. It’s torturing to see her Online at times and some of the status messages she puts up.
This post made me realize how much I’ve stumbled and how I’ve had enough of the pain she caused me. I wont give up, I’ll stay strong and get past this challenge.
Amber,
I don’t know too much about facebook and myspace, thank goodness. My ex may though because he was always more computer literate than I was and constantly on certain sites. The point being “When I’m concentrating on my ex, I’m not concentrating on myself.” That was well said and “I” need to remember that!
Susan,
Thanks for this post. It came at exactly the right time for me. I, only a couple of days ago, discovered that my ex has a page on Facebook. Some of my co-workers have pages there and show one another pics they have on there. I don’t have a Facebook page but I had a page on My Space once, but never really got into doing much with it so I was never really on the site much. I only saw his main photo and my heart skipped a beat. It was a picture of him I hadn’t seen before and of course I thought he looked gorgeous. It made me cry just to see one picture of him standing alone. I absolutely would not let myself click on his page and look at any photos. I knew it would be torture to see pictures of him on trips (after we broke up) or with the girl he dumped me for (or which ever girl he may be dating now if he isn’t still with her) or even just hanging out having fun without me. It really shook me to see that though. I started wondering who he had as “friends” on his page and who they were to him.
I was so tempted to start my own page on that site hoping he would see it and post my own pics from trips and of me looking happy or dressed up to the nines just for revenge or something. He and I are long distance so I can’t do the “living well is the best revenge” thing because we won’t run into one another or be in touch with the same people since we don’t live in the same state. A part of me even hoped that he would see my page and contact me on the page and he and I would reconnect, even reconcile. It’s amazing how just seeing a picture of him affected me. It really set me back.
I am still tempted to start a page just to be like “everyone else” and post my pics, etc. This post came at exactly the right time for me. I guess my question is, is it better to not even have a Facebook page since he is on there? Or could it serve a purpose of showing the ex you’re happy and doing things without them? What if it could serve as a way of meeting new people since I am planning to move to a different city in the summer? I am very tempted to start a page of my own but I’m afraid what may happen since he is on there. So frustrating! I wish I had never seen that picture of him. It really made me feel that I am not over him at all.
Lisa Anne
Lisa Anne: I would avoid it. It’s too tempting when you’re bored. You can open a flickr account or other accounts to upload pictures and share them with your friends. You really don’t need a Facebook account to do that. Being on Facebook could be a HUGE temptation. I’d avoid it if I were you.
Thanks Susan.
In my heart I know that I should stay away from the site and I haven’t so much as clicked on it again since I saw his main photo there. The main thought that got me was that it may be a way to “reconnect” with him or to show him fun things that I am doing without him since we are long distance and I can’t show him any other way. I guess it was a revenge or reconciliation fantasy in the making but in reality it probably wouldn’t serve as either. I know that all of his other friends or exes probably have pages there as well and communicate with him there and it made me feel as if I am the odd man out by not having a page like everyone else. It sucks, but I know it would keep me torn up to see him so I won’t even go there. Thanks again.
Lisa Anne
Good for you Lisa Anne. The trouble is that when you have to “show him” you are still concentrating on him and his life instead of you.
I don’t have a page there so it’s okay. ;) You’re not the odd man out.
Celebrate your uniqueness. :)
Nice job!!! Keep up the GOOD WORK and BE GOOD TO LISA ANNE!
All -
I absolutely HATE those social network websites and would never open an account in one of them. I kind of understand the value of reconnecting with people you haven’t seen in 20 years, but frankly, if you haven’t seen them in 20 years, what is the point of seeing them now? To talk about what? About a silly joke you made during college? I think I’d rather attend a goat race.
I’m all for OFFLINE interactions. E-mail and text messages are great from a practical standpoint, but the problem is when people turn into robots and transform 90% of their interactions into virtual reality. When I go to Starbucks, I find it so sad when I see people staring at a laptop screen for hours doing online chat with an iPod plugged to their ears and their cell phone screaming with text messages next to them. That to me translates into: don’t even think of starting a conversation with me. And then those same people complain that they are lonely! Coffee shops are great places to socialize and meet people, but unfortunately technology has been slowly converting them into isolation tanks.
My ex has an Orkut account, which is a variation of MySpace. I don’t have an Orkut account and avoid it like the plague. I prefer to assume that my ex died with the relationship and, likewise, provide him no access to seeing what is going on in my life. What for? Silence and mystery are so much more intriguing!!!
Lisa Anne – I read what you said about the “why” your ex gave to you on another post. I am so sorry you had to hear that from the person you love. What a bastard. How dare him say something so hurtful to a person whose heart is already in pieces! I know this doesn’t help soothe your pain, but let me tell you something – you don’t need this guy in your life. He’s not worth your love. Try to see the breakup as a blessing in disguise. Can you imagine what it would have been like if you had married him, had kids, and then one day he wakes up and tells you that another woman completely blew him away. Puhleaze. As Donald Trump says in the Apprentice – “Lisa Anne’s Ex, you are FIRED!”.
LFG
Thanks LFG,
I think that the reason I have had such a hard time getting over this breakup was probably the unexpectedness of it and those things I listed that he said (on the Betrayal post) when he left me for that other girl. I had never had a guy say things like that to me in such a callous, blatant way. If I broke up with a guy to be with someone else, I would NEVER be so insensitive as to sing the praises of the new guy right to him. Talk about pouring salt in the wound. He may as well have said, “Hey Lisa Anne, I’m dumping you for this new girl because she is SOOO much better than you…oh and by the way, I’ve been unhappy all this time so it’s your fault that I’m leaving you for her. If you had made me happier, this wouldn’t have happened. Newsflash for you.”
I am 100 % honest when I say that prior to his breaking up to me, he didn’t seem unhappy in the least. We were discussing my move to him and a vacation to Europe. Not so much as an argument occurred or talk of him being unhappy. He would just say things like, “I miss you” and “I wish you were here” but no talk of “hey, I’m unhappy. Let’s talk about this or work on this.” The first wind I got of any problem was when I was being replaced.
He may have been good looking, but he knocked the wind right out of me. I am still trying to recover my self esteem because of him. Thanks for your thoughts on it.
Lisa Anne
I have both. When we broke up I immediately blocked my ex on both, and set both my MySpace and Facebook profiles to Private (you can’t see them unless I accept you as a friend).
I believe he deleted his profiles from both, but I’m not sure.
PS. And I have moved around a lot, I find them to be wonderful ways to keep up with my friends’ lives. Not everyone CAN see the people they care about in person.
i have been guilty of this, doing a bit better. U can keep MS and still move on, it’s not easy.. u delete the ex, dont look at there page. If you have the same friends, don’t look at the friends page… u can leave a comment on a friends page w/o going on the page…
Susan,
Thank you for this post. I spoke to you privately about Match, so this was
perfect timing and really helped me a lot. Can anyone join your email group
where you said the Myspace topic started? Thanks.
Thanks for posting this, Susan. I can honestly say that this has been my biggest weakness post-breakup. I don’t talk to him, I don’t talk to people who know him, I don’t make excuses to bump into him, etc. But I do periodically get weak and check his MySpace, and whenever I do, I spiral out of control. You’re right, it is an addiction–one view turns into several views daily–and the only solution is cold turkey. I hadn’t thought of it that way, but I agree that him posting things on it, including not-so-subtle shoutouts to me, are a way to “keep me in the game.” I already quit this game, so I really don’t wish to stay in it.
I always hated these social networking sites, and now I hate them even more. Sure, they serve a purpose, I guess, but they make breaking up and moving on that much harder to do. It’s like instant info/pics at the click of the mouse. It sucks.
Whatever. He can have his phoney online life and I’ll do one better–have a real one!
One of my recent exes (does that sound bad?! eheh), who is somehow still trying to maintain contact with (even after I told him he needs to sort himself out) maintains a facebook page. I looked at it a few times, spun myself out a little bit and then realised that it wasn’t worth it and so blocked him from being able to see and, consequently, I cannot access his page – unless I choose to remove the block. I am proud to say I haven’t removed the block. :)
Dang Lisa Anne, don’t be so hard on yourself ! You mentioned it has been a year since your breakup, so the relationship was over back in Feb ‘07 ?
Michael,
Yes, it’s been a year since the breakup. I’ve had a terrible time getting over this breakup, which is what brought me to these boards. I got over the end of an 8 year relationship faster than I got over this last one and I didn’t understand why I was hurting for so long. I am making progress though. I think I am having recycled grief over a lot of unresolved issues from my past as well. I vent about my feelings here and am working through them. This last breakup really damaged my self esteem, which threw me into a depression and affected my whole life very negatively.
Lisa Anne
Lisa Anne -
It is shocking how similar our situations are. I also got over an 8 year relationship without any drama (we are great friends and talk almost every day), but I still struggle with the breakup of an 8-month relationship I had in December 2006. I have always been a very confident guy and I have no complaints about my career, finances, or anything else that depends more on me to achieve success. However, this breakup has affected me so deeply that I decided to go into therapy, read every psychology book you can possibly imagine to “understand”, and continue to read Susan’s blog and help people with what I have learned.
It is a very hard, slow, and painful process indeed. I like to compare it to “exorcising the ex” from our system one second at a time. Am I feeling better compared to one year ago? Definitely. Am I completely over him yet? No. I do feel though that I have done the bulk of my grief work and that I will turn the final page of this saga when I fall in love again. I’m not looking for a person to get over my ex, but I feel that once I find a new love that blows me away, I will reach the “total indifference” point that I aim to achieve.
I try to see this experience as a crash course on personal growth and I feel much more prepared for a future setback. Hopefully I won’t have this nightmare again, but if I do, I know for sure that I will be ok.
I will go to the NY seminar in March. It’ll be great to meet you in person if you are there.
LFG
Thanks LFG,
We do seem to have much in common, though I am not friends with my 8 year ex. I am over him because I lost complete respect for him as a person and I have no desire for him in my life. He cheated on me repeatedly, lied to me, used me, got another girl pregnant while we were on a “break” and didn’t even have the decency to tell me himself. He is unfaithful to all of his girlfriends and tried to cheat on the mother of his child WITH me. He even has gotten himself in trouble with the law over drugs. What a winner huh? lol. I am over him and want nothing to do with him. I don’t hate him and would probably say hello if I ever saw him but I just have no desire for someone like that in my life. The person I am today would never have gone out with someone like him. I was very young and innocent when I fell for him, the bad boy type, before I knew his true character. I do regret that I am not able to be friends with the last ex though, but I simply can’t do it. I would just stay in love with him and wanting him all the time. It would be torture. I won’t be able to make the seminar in March as my work vacation is already set for June, but I hope to make the next one. Perhaps I’ll see you then. Sorry I haven’t responded sooner. This pesky flu has about wiped me out this week. lol.
Lisa Anne
I learned the hard way.. My ex broke up with me January of this year after a two year relationship and I was quickly replaced which I found out when he left my cousin and best friend on his friends list and announced his new girl to the world. The new girl harassed me for a while – I fought back but it was worthless. He now has a whole page dedicated to me and how hopeless I am and how he didnt really love me for two years. I havent logged into myspace for two weeks. Its so hard – I cant get over it.
K, you *can* get over it! You will have a lot of support here. Keep writing to us. Join the YAHOO group if you want. Here’s some ideas:
First, get support. Talk to any friends in rotation- a different friend every day so you don’t get tired. If you can, get a therapist to pour out the whole story to. The last will make a *world* of difference. Get a journal like Susan says and start writing out everything you feel about the reln, that guy, your feelings, just write and write your heart out. Check out all the past posts here starting from when it started. Read often.
Second, my suggestion is to complain to Myspace- people aren’t allowed to be libeled on there- they might go as far as to kick him off. Get one of your friends to complain for you so that you do not go on. It’s not to be used for that nasty bs. I know school students have gotten in trouble for writing things about teachers, so- GET YOUR FRIEND TO WRITE TO THEM AND COMPLAIN STRONGLY. And stay off of it. Good for you for protecting yourself and already making that decision.
Third, *you are a special and unique person* and deserve to be treated as such. Remember that. Create a mantra for yourself based on something that if you believed you would feel better and say it over and over again, even at this point if you don’t believe it- say it over and over like “I am special and lovable”…”I am OK and I am handling this”…”I am being good to me”.