Is (Was) Your Relationship Good For You? A Checklist
January 27, 2008 by susangpyp
I did a post last year about what a healthy relationship looks like but here is a ten-question checklist for you to think about in trying to decide whether or not your relationship is / was good for you:
1. Safety: Were you physically, mentally, emotionally or verbally harmed? Were there times you were afraid of what your partner would do or say? Were there times you just dreaded seeing this person?
2. Self-esteem: Did you feel guilty, “less-than”, not good enough, not worthy in your relationship? Does your partner or ex partner criticize your behavior, your looks, or any other traits and qualities? Do you own that criticism and internalize it? Do you beat yourself up because of what you’ve done or continue to do? Are you taking the blame for the failures in the relationship?
3. Job/career: Did you call in sick because of being emotionally upset? Did you miss work to do things for your partner that he or she would not take care of? Did you neglect your job or career for your relationship? Did you obsess about your relationship to the detriment of your professional life?
4. Children: Were your children neglected when you were arguing with your mate? Were you frustrated or too upset to do things with/for your children? Did you swing between neglect and over-indulgence of your children out of guilt? Have you left your kids too long at a sitter or daycare because you needed to do something with your partner? Are you irritable or emotionally unavailable for your children because of the drain of your relationship?
5. Finances: Did you spend money on the relationship that you did not have? Did your partner siphon money off from you? Did your partner ask you “lend” him or her money and you loaned it even though you knew he or she did not have the means to pay it back? Do you spend money on self-improvement because your partner is critical of certain areas? Do you spend money on gym memberships or diet programs because your partner is critical of your weight? Do you spend above your means to be more attractive? Do you pay for things that your partner should pay for or help you pay for? Are you financially frustrated with your partner?
6. Stamina: Does the relationship drain you physically, mentally, or emotionally? Do you lose sleep or neglect your health because of the relationship trauma/drama? Do you have trouble sleeping or turning off your thoughts and that results in being a mess the next day?
7. Legal: Did you ever do anything in your relationship that could get you into legal trouble? Are you so wiped out that you forget small things like getting your car inspected or you are upset and speed or you become so upset you drink and drive? Are there things you are doing that could get you in big or small legal trouble that you would not be doing if not for this relationship?
8. Physical: Did you partner cheat on you and bring the possibility of an STD into your relationship? Did you neglect doctor and dentist appointments? Did your partner coerce you into sex when you weren’t feeling well? Did your partner fail to care about you when you were ill? Did you neglect your diet, your exercise, your daily vitamins? Did you lose interest in your self-care regiment?
9. Knowing what a good relationship entails: Have you forgotten that healthy relationships involve give and take, compromise, caring for and about the other person, acting in accordance with what you say you feel, acting with love and affection, nurturing and encouraging another person, being your partner’s best friend, helping and encouraging a partner to expand their horizons (not narrowing them), being a good and constant support for the closest person in your life. Have you forgotten all that?
10. Love: Have you forgotten that true love is reciprocal, unconditional love? Have you forgotten that love is an action? Have you given up ever finding reciprocal, unconditional love?
You’ve probably guessed that yes answers mean it was not good for you. The more yes answers the worse the relationship but even one yes answer is bad news and less than you deserve.
Use this checklist to think about and assess your relationship and what you want/need/deserve in the future. What you deserve are all NO answers.
I think that this is a valuable post for a lot of people, especially people like me (and I’m sure countless others) who did not grow up seeing a healthy relationship between their parents or get taught this “stuff” growing up. At the age of 17, I entered into what would be a emotionally and mentally abusive relationship that I got stuck in off and on for almost 10 years. This man ruined, or rather I allowed him to ruin my already shaky self esteem. I answered so many yeses pertaining to that relationship, it isn’t even funny.
My second major relationship, the one that brought me to this board was somewhat more healthy, but there were still some yeses, especially in the self-esteem and love categories. He was very critical. I am 3 years older than him so he always delighted in calling me old. I remember he and I being in a nice quiet corner bar and grill having a seemingly good time when he looked at me and said out of nowhere, “you’re 30 years old. Your looks are going to be gone soon.” He may as well have slapped me in the face. This angered me because most people are shocked to learn that I am even in my early 30s because I look so young. He was hypercritical of my body and every pound on it. I was in the best shape of my life during that relationship and he still made comments about it. There were a lot of things like that…in discussions he always would correct me to look more intelligent. Most people consider me to be a smart cookie, but I was always less than in his eyes. He ultimately left me out of nowhere for another girl who he said “blew him away” and shattered my self esteem. I could never be good enough for him.
Does it count as a toxic relationship if you begin to do some of the negative things listed here AFTER the breakup because you were so traumatized by how your partner ended it? For instance, I began to neglect paying bills on time, car checkups, dentist appointments, self care and exercise AFTER he left me. I was in such good shape during the relationship and after he left me, I just didn’t care anymore. I put on 20 pounds and stopped caring what I looked like for a long time. I was just going through the motions of life. I didn’t care about my job, my friends, or anything. I felt like I lost touch with who I even was. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I am working on my recovery to this day and it’s been over a year since the breakup. I wish I had had this list a long time ago.
Lisa Anne
I had a lot more yes answers than no answers. I knew that though. I knew the relationship had lots of problems. That’s why in the end, I’m the one that vacated. Too much give on my part and not enough take. It’s still good to see how wrong this relationship was for me. It failed the test for a good relationship. Wow!
8/10 yes-es to the questions.
self-explanatory.
I only had a few “yes” answers but they’re biggies–mainly financial and stamina. Oh boy did my ex drain me…with his depression, with his not working for extended periods of time and putting all the financial burden on me, with his frequently flailing self esteem. It was like a second full-time job was taking care of my boyfriend, and in turn, not taking care of myself.
But I did love him, so I don’t regret it. I just won’t be putting myself in that kind of position ever again.
Is it weird for woman to be watching sex/porn movies? I found myself watching a lot of those lately, especially on nights like tonight when I am missing him so much and I am on the verge of calling him just to hear his voice ( I have not done it but I have been dying to).
8/10 yes-es too.. I know that his ending the relationship was probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me in the 9 years I was trapped in it trying to make things work and hoping I could change him.. But I’m just so sad and devastated and can’t understand why I’m going through so much pain knowing the relationship was draining the life out of me to begin with.
I’ve been going through your posts and have found them very helpful. I was surprised at first to find that so many people go through the same struggle after getting out of an abusive relationship.. For some weird reason I thought my pain was exclusive. I thought I was either abnormally kind or abnormally stupid..
It’s the first day of the 4th week since the beginning of the end of the relationship (it ended vaguely..) and I finally came to terms with it on the 3rd week (after the first 2 weeks of breaking the no contact rule and doing things that were really pathetic..) but the other day he sent a text message to me that he was confused and that he missed me sooo much and that he was sorry.. It was strange because after reading some of your posts and your readers’ posts, I KNEW he would send this exact message to me at some point. Anyway, knowing that this message doesn’t really change or mean anything and knowing that i don’t even want to be in this abusive relationship anymore.. why am I so torn up about it?? I mean, I was doing fine and I was expecting he’d play the “i miss you but that doesn’t mean we’re back together” card, but why am I suddenly caught off balance and crying so hard like it was the first day? I broke NC (darn!) and he didn’t reply to any of my replies.. he was just really REALLY playing another one of his games on me.. I don’t even want to know why because I know there’s a rule somewhere that trying to make sense out of his actions will only drive me crazy..
I think I’m still going to the gym today even if my eyes are so puffy, I’m looking very yoda again today.. I’m mentally kicking myself because I know I wouldn’t be rubbing my eyes right now and creating more wrinkles if I had thought about going to your site earlier..
Thanks!! You are so spot on about everything!
currant, i feel your pain, it is an awfully painful phase you are going through. susan had posted on phases in the grieving process- maybe reading that will help you understand what exactly you are going through at the moment and what phase you can expect next.
it is so great that despite all you put efforts to do physical exercise and take care of your body and spirit! it doesn’t matter ithat you have broken the NC rules before, it is never too late to start applying them (especially now that he replied with his ambiguous message, maybe it is even the best time now). stay strong, do the grieving without letting him know how you are feeling, and you can get over this.
it was 2/10 yes for me .
The cases where there were 2 YEs was Safety and Self esteem .
i was scared of hurting him . But he was never abusive .
I had a low self esteem . I always felt I wasnt right one for him . He would always correct me . I felt hes too much of perfectionist .
I broke NC rule .
Almost 2 months of breakup , we are still in contact . We broke up because he got married all of sudden . Finally I have come to terms with the fact that he s married and we were not destined for each other .
Hes still on my mind . It does affect my work , my daily life now .
During the weekend , I did a lot of thinking and realised its not helping talking to each other . During our relationship , he was always one I would turn to , when i had a problem or needed advice .. Even today , if I am low and call him , hes there for me .
But this dependency has to end . I am not able to really let anyone enter my life seriously . I can talk to people , but still end up comparing it with him
From now on , I hope I am able to keep up with the NC rule .
Waterlilly,
I don’t personally think it’s unhealthy, so long as it isn’t themed on abusing women or anything like that. I’d be interested to hear Susan’s thoughts on this, myself.
Reb
Oh Mona, why torture yourself this way? You broke up because he suddenly married someone else? Though it broke my heart and I missed my ex like crazy, I did find the strength to cut off contact with him after we broke up. I wanted him back and talked to him for a couple of months in hope he would change his mind, but once I accepted that he wasn’t going to, I knew I couldn’t continue to hurt myself more by hearing about him with another girl so I ended it. You have to too.
And Waterlillly, sometimes women equate sex with love and miss the closeness of intimate touching with the ex. Maybe that’s what you are doing, trying to relive that intimacy. I know when I see love scenes in a movie, I will think about my ex and long for times like that with him again. If it bothers you morally and only makes you ache for your ex more, I would say stop. Find another way to spend your time that doesn’t remind you of romantic situations. If you feel it is becoming an addiction and is bothering you, you can get help for it. Good luck.
Lisa Anne
For my marriage, I had 95% YES answers. I can honestly say, to borrow your mantra, “I didn’t know that I didn’t know.” I couldn’t even begin to assess myself because I was too busy “caring” for a helpless excuse for a man. All the craziness you described happened in one form or another. The marriage was costly and it was painful.
But, I was taught to stay married at ALL COSTS. Catholics don’t get divorced and they certainly don’t talk about their marital issues. I was severely repressed. But, I keep coming back to your concept of the gift of desperation. Once I had received it, all of the games, lies, drama and insanity became way more than I could handle. The way I was being treated was no longer acceptable to me. I finally said to myself, “What is wrong with this picture?” And I did myself a favour. I STOPPED trying. I stopped trying to get his attention, to make him want to stay married, to be the wife he said I never was and to try and control the outcome of a divorce that was going to happen no matter what. That was my turning point. I began to see that my marriage wasn’t really what I thought it was and I couldn’t sustain a relationship that was over before it began. In my case, divorce was a gift.
Thanks Lisa .
I guess I am not strong enough to follow NC rule .
Today I decided I would not contact him .
But he called to chk if things were fine with me . Hes helping me currently with some probs I am facing in my career .
First I tried to ignore call .But finally I called back . But I dont talk like earlier . I show I am busy and cut the topic short .
I keep telling myself I dont luv him anymore . I just miss him being around as a friend to talk to .
There was a time when I used to talk to him daily . Now its maybe once a week .
Hopefully It reduces soon to no calls
What about his wife–where does she fit into your communication with her husband?
He’s playing a selfish, immature game and playing you AND his wife.
You can stop the game and your participation in it by not taking his calls. No more communication with this guy, period.
Yes, it’s hard, but it’s harder to lose your dignity. Living without dignity is miserable.
Stopping all communication with this ex-boyfriend who recently married someone else is the right thing for you to do. Choose your dignity over his divided attention.
You CAN do this.
thnks for the advice ,.
You are right . I had thought over this during the weekend and had decided to stop it .
Thanks for reminding me on the dignity part . I will keep this in mind whenever I feel like calling or when he calls me up and not to speak to him at all .
I will make it a pt to read the NC rules daily and keep away from him .
I try to engage myself in talking to other people and my work
I only have 1/10 yes and that too Love?
that love is an action. The realationship was good in all respects for the 9 points. Things were good, we were compatiable and comfortable with each other but when there came a physical distance between us that because of our carrier. She met someone else and changed in a completly different person. SHe cheated on me. And as Suzan said We all deserve all No’s so even one yes is bad.
She cheated and left too bad. Let her be happy in her life.
For I am building the new me and learning to be happier person without her.