Does anybody miss me?
Does anybody feel the way I do?
Does anybody wonder
If my lost and lonely heart is missing you?
~ Les Reed / Johnny Worth written for Shirley Bassey 1969
I grew up in a pretty nutty foster/adoptive family but there was enough of a lull in the action, often enough, for them to give me a love for Broadway and divas like Shirley Bassey, Judy Garland, Liza Minnelli, Vikki Carr, etc etc etc. Our craziness had a soundtrack and I loved that soundtrack.
I loved this album “Does Anybody Miss Me?” by Shirley Bassey. I truly did. And I loved this song. It was just a great song and summed it up for me nicely.
All my life I wondered if anyone missed me (most notably my crazy biological family) but most often the last person I broke up with. Did he miss me? would he want me again? would he want me again while I still wanted him???
I spent my LIFE wondering if people (biological mother, last boyfriend) MISSED me. I wanted to be missed. That was a goal. MISS ME PEOPLE. Make me think I matter.
…and when he did miss me or want me would I just laugh…oh you silly man…I am SO over you! and then go on…vindicated…I did matter…I do matter…ah yes,
SOMEBODY missed me. Missing me was some measure of my worth so TAH DAH! I had some!
Wrong.
Wrong.
Wrong.
It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter in this life or the next. Missing means nothing. Missing isn’t anything. Love is an action (remember) and missing is just a dopey nostalgia for something that is missing because YOUR BONEHEAD EX told you to GO AWAY. And one day they look around and go, “Didn’t there used to be a person in this spot? What happened to them?”
So if someone who told you to go away now MISSES YOU, the question is: Yeah, so what?
Today I shared with someone that THREE YEARS AFTER WE BROKE UP my ex called me out of the blue one day and said, “I miss you.” I looked at the phone like it was made of plutonium and thought, “okay, and………????” and he said, “You could say you miss me.” and I thought,
BUT I DON’T , you big stupid bonehead. The time for missing you was long ago and that ship has sailed. While you were playing footsie with Ms. Double Digit IQ I was busy getting over your stupid ass. Now that the bloom is off the rose of Ms. DDI, YOU decide me miss me. HAH.
And these words “I miss you” were ones I would have killed for 2 years 9 months ago but now I simply didn’t care. And I realized it didn’t matter.
And EVEN if he had said he missed me 2 years and 9 months previously: SO WHAT?
He had broken my heart, cheated on me, treated me like crap and now he missed me? SO WHAT?
It didn’t matter, it didn’t matter, it didn’t matter. Missing me was some self-centered bonehead moment he had sitting around feeling sorry for himself. Missing me had NOTHING to do with me.
And it CERTAINLY had nothing to do with my worth.
If someone was STUPID enough to eradicate me from their life and then they went, oh DUH, I miss her, she was good…now, where did she scamper off to? silly minx….here, I’ll call her and share my feelings with her….
well they are ridiculous and I want nothing to do with them.
And my ex was too self-centered for missing me to have anything to actually do with ME. It had to do with him and his ridiculous navel gazing that he indulged in for a whole minute and didn’t have the self-restraint or insight to just KEEP IT TO HIMSELF. I mean Why TF did he feel the need to SHARE THIS WITH ME???
Because he wanted to hear that I missed him too. It all had nothing to do with me. It was all some kind of scenario that happened in his warped little head and he just had to reach out and touch me. Ewwwwwwww. No. Please step away from the phone. AND LOSE MY NUMBER!
My worth and whether or not I was “miss-able” had to come from me. My self-worth could not be measured by my miss-ability especially being missed by someone who would have been better served missing his brain cells and looking for THEM, not me.
I had to learn to not care about who missed me when. The only way to get better is to stay out of everyone’s head but ESPECIALLY my ex.
So my advice to others is to STOP WORRYING IF THEY MISS YOU or IF THEY WILL MISS YOU.
The ONLY way to heal is to stop worrying about what the ex is doing. Stop checking their MySpace page…stop checking their Live Journal…stop trying to get dirt from mutual friends or someone who works with someone who works with someone who might work with them.
Does the ex miss you? WHO CARES? The ex has walked away from wonderful wonderful you and we don’t care what he or she thinks or feels or dreams or doodles on the back of a magazine (he absent-mindedly drew a circle with a few squiggles and I kinda think it looks like me…does that mean he subconsciously misses me and wants me back???).
Repeat after me: WE DON’T CARE. It’s NOT important. It means NOTHING.
The ex could be curled up in a ball, crying in the corner or dancing on table tops with fashion models or staring into the eyes of this week’s catchiest catch….it doesn’t MATTER…WE DON’T CARE.
Repeat after me (you readers know who you are): IT DOESN’T MATTER. IT DOESN’T MATTER. IT DOESN’T MATTER.
Keep your focus on you and stay out of the ex’s head and trying to figure out the meaning of the most mundane acts or non-acts and whether or not missing you is taking place.
Because missing is worthless and it doesn’t matter anyway.
Stay on track…in your head…no where else.
And YOU matter whether missing you is happening or not.
You matter. Missing you doesn’t matter.
BE GOOD TO YOU. and that includes no ruminating about possible missing of you.
:)
Peace,
Susan
i am feeling so good by reading this that i really want to fastforward to the day when i will be thinking this automatically without having to reread it
thanxxx
What a wonderful blog and post. This is coming at the exact perfect time. I’m doing stupid things like thinking about calling him, emailing him or knocking on his door.
We are 2 weeks out of a 4 year relationship. I knew it was coming, he took his time to move out but up until he left we were loving and intimate. NOw this hurts so damn much.
My friends are frustrated with me, they cannot understand why I’m a mess because he treated me so horribly. They think I should be celebrating he’s gone. But I hurt, I really hurt. Thank you so much for this blog. All weekend I’ve been wondering if he’s missing me, if he’s seeing someone else, is she at his place right now, are they making love?
I need to keep reading…
I have tears after reading today’s blog. I have been doing so well working on getting over my ex, and tonight I was having a moment of sadness, wondering about him, and what he thinks of me. I was wondering if he missed me, if he thought well of me, or if he thought of me as that crazy ex that I became at the end. It always seems like what you write falls in line with the way I am feeling, and today you hit the nail on the head. “It doesn’t matter” needs to be my new mantra.
Susan is right, it doesn’t matter. My ex told me he misses me, but he’s not here.
It makes no difference to the situation whether they think of you, are over you, miss you. The POINT is they are not with you. They left. Gave up. Couldn’t be bothered. Found someone else. Whatever the reason, they are gone.
I must be getting better. This one made me laugh and laugh and laugh. Wonderful. Good one. Yeah, been there, done that. “Revenge” is getting better and better, with all possible interpretations of those words.
I too found myself laughing when reading this article, especially the part about how the ex who dumps us needs to miss his (or her) brain cells instead of us. It was a good laugh and one that I needed. I can relate to this article very well. It’s helpful and I am working on adopting this attitude as I have been guilty of trying to “get inside of his head” as Susan says, and obsessing on what he thinks of me, if he misses me, if he regrets dumping me for the other girl, etc. Thanks Susan.
Lisa Anne
Susan….i know who you are talking about….as always, THANKYOU.
This was a good read for me today. I needed this as this is a constant hurdle for me to climb. I’m sure I’ll come back and re-read it.
Thank you!
I get this concept and want to apply it because it makes complete sense to me. However, how do I consistently stay out of my ex’s head? How do I stop the wondering of what he’s doing? What he’s thinking? I overcome this in pieces, but they are short lived. I really don’t want to wonder about him and anymore, but I’m always drawn back to it and then the cycle begins again of being sad that he left, sad that I stayed, what I did to make him not want to stay…..I was actually in a department store today and walked near the lingere section and thought I should have worn nicer lingere more often!!!! The sex was good, but in my head in that moment there in the store these thoughts entered my head and made me feel sad and not very good about myself. I just want to find out once and for all why this happens to me when I break up with someone or someone walks away, why I have such a problem letting go and walking away. I want to discet my thoughts get to the root of why I am this way….and find a way to put a stop to it for good!!!!
I have been reading your blog and all the posts of this group for months. Me and Jason broke up officially in March but we spent all kinds of time together and I kept thinking things would change. They didn’t in August he encouraged me to date. I tried and it was too hard. September passed and in October I made plans for us to go to a fair. I asked if he wanted to spend the night that weekend and he said no b/c he was starting to see someone. I was devastated. I continued to be in contact. He truly wanted to be my friend and help me but he was at a loss as to what to do. I dated again and was completely bamboozled by a guy who is the biggest narcisisst. He dropped me like a hot potato. Jason was there for me and even helped me when I thought I might be pregnant. I thought I was ok but I wasn’t. I thought I was over him and could be friends, I was holding on. After Christmas I finally decided to stop using IM his preferred mode of communication. Since then I have felt so much better. Not wondering who he was talking to besides me etc. Now all I can think though is does he miss me? We were such good friends. I have had no contact for 3 days now and he is the one that suggested it. He wants to stop hurting me. I am just so sad. Thank you for this blog its really helped.
This is a great post, Susan, and I think exactly what I needed to hear. It made me uncomfortable when I read it yesterday and I realize it’s because it’s dead-on and painfully honest. It’s also almost verbatim what my brother was banging home to me over the phone after my latest attempt to try and analyze my crazy ex’s (in his case, literally) behavior. It gave me reinforcement that he thinks well of me and “misses” me but you’re right, it means nothing, and who the F cares. Once again, it has everything to do with him and nothing to do with me, which is why I left the relationship in the first place. The guy is a dud. I’m not, so why am I continuing to sporadically exert energy on someone utterly unworthy?
The first three months of recovery were about changing my life (moving, traveling, etc) and making peace with what happened. Crying it out, thinking it out, trying to grow as much as possible from it. I am going to still do these things when I need to, but my goal for the next 3 months will to STOP obsessing. I think that because I was in a dysfunctional relationship for so long, it feels uneasy to have nothing going wrong. There’s no sinking feeling in my stomach about something new, no fear of something exploding in my face. It’s quiet. And rather than enjoying the peace, I’m trying to recreate the internal noise I grew accustomed to over the past few years. And it’s got to stop.
I obviously have a lot more work to do, but posts like this keep me on a good path. I’m going to keep reading this whenever I’m wondering what is going on with him. Thank you for sharing it.
dear susan. im going through a breakup with a narrcissist of 10 years and im reading your blog for the first time and i have to say is OMG!! I have found so much information and insight from you and your readers and i feel some comfort. It sucks going through this and i kept feeling so alone and that he’s not going through any pain and that im smuthered in it but with your help and others i feel that im not alone anymore and that the only thing that needs to matter is me.
AND FOR THAT. I THANK YOU
Susan, I know I am one of the ones this relates to and reading this for the first time, I needed this…ya…it doesn’t matter….cause I am done trying to squeeze water out of a rock…
Lexi says, I must be getting better. This one made me laugh and laugh and laugh.
Same here Lexi. I couldnt stop laughing reading this post, we are getting better indeed which is the most importnat thing right now.
I really dont care two hoots anymore. Because it doesnt matter, it doesnt matter, it doesnt matter.
This is absolutely brilliant Susan. Thank you very much!
This one hit me too. I have learned so much here. I too have been praying that he missed me. My head can see all of his faults and the fact that he is not good for me (or anyone in a relationship with him). Why can’t my heart catch up to my head?
I see that I lost my self esteem when we were together. I see that I need to get my self esteem back as well as take back control of my life. Can you suggest any pointers or reading material to help?
You came to the right place, Liz. Definitely read through Susan’s blog entries, especially the ones under “most popular posts” in the top right corner. I found the “post breakup no no list” to be extremely helpful. Other things that have helped me are therapy (one or twice a week), hanging with friends, spoiling myself (taking a trip, shopping), changing my life (moving to a new place), and holding firm to No Contact. There’s also an e-mail group for this site that proves helpful to a lot of people. Best of luck, keep posting and hang in there–it WILL get better if you work at it.
I am keeping up with NC but I find myself thinking about her all the time. I try to indulge myself in lots of other activities.
But there is always something going on at the back of my mind and mostly it is, “Does she miss me?” Although she said that she loves me and misses me and then chose to leave me which confused me a lot. I think the only solution is to think that IT DOESN’T MATTER. What she feels or thinks is her problem now, not mine; she opted out and that’s it.
Thanks Susan, as always a great post and a great help.
Yes, Love is an action.
I read somewhere: “The person can only miss you because he/she chooses every day not to be with you”.
Ouch… But SO true.
This whole post and it’s responses are brilliant. I can’t say I’m ready to feel so strong (6 1/2 weeks broken up, 3 weeks no contact), but so many of these things do work (ie indulging myself with whatever I want, cutting online ties (although I’m guilty of checking his away message a few too many times a day), and just trusting that I’m bettering myself, and that if someday he doesn’t see that, then someone else will, and eventually I will be ready for that). It really helps to not feel so alone when I’m feeling most down about him and everything we had together. These blogs and advice sites are amazing, if only because they keep me from bombarding my friends with all the same whiny feelings every day, and keep me determined that holding no contact for me demands the respect I deserve from him, and that if sometime he misses me enough to act on it, then he can do so, but I won’t be the one to ask him to anymore. I never got anywhere shouldering the bulk of the effort during the relationship, and now more than ever that certainly won’t do any good, especially because I do hope to work things out someday, and I hope he does too, but that while I’ve done so much to change my flaws while we were together as well as since then, he did not nearly as much as he could have, and he isn’t the only one that needed things to change with us. His immaturity was killing us – until he’s ready to be ok with being in love and being happy significantly past the honeymoon phase he isn’t someone I really want to be with anyways.
Sorry that was so long… Totally needed to get that off my chest!
Tara said: His immaturity was killing us – until he’s ready to be ok with being in love and being happy significantly past the honeymoon phase he isn’t someone I really want to be with anyways.
This is exactly what I am going through. We spent about 4 months of bliss together and then we started fighting about the way we planned or did not plan things on the weekend. I felt like he didn’t take me into consideration.
As soon as it got hard he bailed. We had been living together. We had said I love you. He had said he wanted to marry me.
He talked about being overwhelmed. It hurt when he said he didn’t want to work on it. There really wasn’t much to work on. But you can’t make someone want to be with you, right? So I had to accept that he didn’t want to work on it and move out.
I feel like he gave up so easily. I feel like I am worth way more effort than that.
It was only 5 months, but I fell hard for him. Now I am in the midst of picking myself back up. And I miss him.
I am confused about how someone can say they love you one day and then dump you the next.
“I am confused about how someone can say they love you one day and then dump you the next.”
I was really confused about this too when I first began this process, but since then I’ve determined that most of the time people will just say what they are feeling in the moment, and feelings change from moment to moment. It has more to do with them than it does with you.
Go by what they do, not by what they say.
I agree that it has to do with saying things in the moment. People end up getting hurt that way, though. Like me. Also, I believe that he loved me. I also think our breaking up has a lot to do with his never having been in a real relationship before and not knowing what it requires. But still! I wasn’t asking for much!
When I said “I love you” I was willing to back it up.
I felt like I was too cautious in my last relationship; even though I felt it, I held off saying the “I love you” until I was ready to back it up, and according to my ex, certain things didn’t get said at the appropriate time, so I was cut loose. It was a short relationship, but very painful to end nonetheless. This site and these people have been a blessing.
YEA, pretty much!
I have been through some of the most trying times of my life in the last few months. I am a giving person who loves deeply and is often left taken advantage of and heart broken by both friends and boyfriends. With the help of counseling and your site, as well as my support system, I have realized that I have a lot of codependent traits – that I want desperately to fix. I have read every blog here I think, at least once – some more, and have found so much inspiration and understanding in your words. This is the first time that I am posting a response, as this particular blog I feel speaks to me directly. My thoughts lately have encompassed everything that you have addressed above – After 3 years how can I mean so little to him, how can he just walk away from me so easy, how can he think that there is better out there, after all I did – how wasn’t it enough? All I long for everyday is a hint that he is affected by my absense in his life. Even just 1 text message that said “I miss you” would relieve me of most of my pain. I know that the healing and closure comes from within me, and I am bettering myself and my life every day, but how can I not look back at the past 3 years as a waste? I am hoping that with time I will find peace, heal from the emotional abuse, learn to trust again and be open to love again – and I will re-read this post daily until I realize (as I try to constantly) that it has nothing to do with him at all anymore, and has everything to do with me…
But if only I was worth keeping.
Honey, be thankful it wasn’t 10 years…and you won’t feel better even if you do get an I miss you. Because it’s just words, and he is gone.
Hope,
I’ve come to realize for myself, these feelings are me missing me. They are me being disconnected from my self, my true self, my self having love and compassion and care and regard for me. I am placing the face of my ex mistakenly on my desire to touch my inner self right from here all on my own.
C.
[...] TFTD ~ How Do I Stop? A lot of the email I received in response to yesterday’s post was How Do I Stop? Well part of how was in the post: use I Don’t Care and It DOESN’T [...]
Hope,
If you did get a text message saying “I miss you,” believe me, it would not relieve you of any pain. It would just raise more difficult questions: If he misses me so much, why is he gone? How come he is giving me mixed signals? How can he be so unsure about me when I am so sure about him? And so forth. There is nothing he can say that will make you feel any better about the situation, which is why not hearing from him is a blessing. Also it doesn’t mean you’re not “worth keeping” because this relationship didn’t work out. Try and flip that around to stay positive–this guy is a bonehead for letting you go, it doesn’t bear any reflection on you as a person. Hang in there and try and take the power back.
Thanks so much MovingOn! It is so difficult to deal with and accept because I (in no way) understand him. I know that I should not even try, and I wish I could resist even the thought of what is really going on in his head, or stay angry at him but I can’t. In the three years we were together I did EVERYTHING I could to make him happy – he was going through many family problems and I wanted to help him through as much as I could. After we moved in he totally changed and blamed it on me. Saying that he saw a different side of me (the only new trait I had was being homesick and grieving the death of a family member) and it was too much for him. After seeing him through his hardest times and being supportive and understanding, my problems were too much for him. He became this monster who would turn his back toward me when I cried, and would belittle me and take his anger out on me. AND HE ADMITTED IT! Some days I would talk to him about it objectively (not crying and just trying to express my concern for him not US, just him) and he would say “you don’t deserve what I am doing to you. I hate myself, I need help but getting it would be admitting defeat.” His actions and his words never match up anyway so part of me knows that nothing that he says will change anything – and there is no taking back the damage that was done. My head tells me everyday that I should feel good that I have no regrets, that I did everything I possibly could to make it work (including live with the emotional abuse for 5 months), that he was never a ‘partner’ to me anyway and that it was destined to happen at some point since he never shares his feelings, or just the fact that someone who claims to love you (or ever had loved you) can admit to treating you abusively and yet continue to do so because they are also a victim of mistreatment.
I am sorry, I was rambling…
I want my heart to listen to my head. To realize that I do deserve more and that he is not healthy emotionally and thus his actions/feelings should not reflect negatively on me. I also want to release the hope that one day he will realize. I want the power back.
Honey, in all that time, what were you doing to make YOU happy? Did you lose yourself in him? I did. Was his life more important than yours? Was it all him him him and no us?
Hope..hey i am in the same boat.I MUST read this over and over again..
I too want my heart and my head to catch up to eachother and listen..its like i know whats right(my head) but my heart wont let me ive got to drill this in my head for ME.I gotta care about me first i am seeing i lost that a while ago.But No Moving on is right..i got and get those text messages(i miss u,i love u,its really over???) She is right,the moment i think i am doing better,it hurts all over again the mixed signals and feelings,its like a cut that is just healing up and now someone came along and opened it right back up again–plain ole confusion.Susan is right too this post was right on,When i get these texts you are right susan he is just in a moment of feeliong sorry for himself thats all and yes it as nothing to do with me–wow well put i never thought of it like that.But over and over if he did miss me why would he treat me like he does then,attitudes,negativity?? It is just he has issues as well as me so i trigger alot of things in him that puts him back in persuit mode and round and round we go again.So i have to vow not to hear his i miss us and all that and THANKS susan after this post i will NOT CARE thanks again
hope, your ex is extremely selfish to have forgotten what you have done for him and to have abandoned you when you were having a problem. his words with regard to admitting his defeat indicate that this guy is overly insecure and unstable. this kind of people are too absorbed in solving the problems of their own personality and character and too concerned with their own reputation, image, masculinity/femininity, strength, power, etc… to be able to appreciate your worth. the fact that he left you has probably nothing to do with you. he seems to have lots issues to take care of and instead of solving problems he is running away from them. you cannot rely on him, so you are so incredibly lucky you got rid of him without even knowing it. he is not good enough to be your partner (if ever good enough to be anyone’s partner..!)
(he should probably read the thread on Defense Mechanisms posted by Susan)
Oh Waterlilly, thank you so very much. He is selfish and always was – I just didn’t realize it because I thought that the way his life was at the time warranted him to be a bit demanding and me to give more; thinking of course that when I hit my rock bottom he would be there to help me up. I have never been more wrong. The worse part is that he made ME leave. He has to be a victim of everything; finally I told him that you can’t play the victim while victimizing me. You are not helpless and it doesn’t have to be this way, but he insisted that living together is what was driving us apart. Rather then move back to his parent’s (who were only 20 min. away), I had to move home (90+ miles). I just feel so exhausted mentally and emotionally.
I tried to get him to read some things that I had found, I even offered to pay for therapy if he would just go; nope, he insisted that I was the only problem in his life… while telling his abusive family he loved them and me that he didn’t love me anymore.
if he has inherited some sadic and masochist traits from his family- YOU DON’T CARE and you don’t want to stay in there. even if you changed the surface, you would never be able to change the core and the nature
he is surely much better off living with his parents (where is will probably be returning till the end of his life, Woody Allen had a very good story in Without Feathers where a 60-year old kid was kidnapped from his parent’s home)
and you will be much better off moving at least 90 miles away from him
Hope…..You offered to pay for HIS thereapy???
Stop giving to him and start giving back to yourself. Pay for your therapy and don’t worry about him. Let his issues be his issues. Think of it like this….If we were all focused on ourselves, our own work, our own therapy….we would be better, see things differently, treat ourselves better, put ourselves first…it wouldn’t be all about them…AND….chances are….we WOULDN’T want them anymore. We wouldn’t have gotten sucked in to their problems neglecting our own. Stop caring about his issues and start caring about yours. This is a blessing that he let you go. Trust me….mine let me go to and it sucks that he was the one who walked away because I couldn’t. BUT…Thank you GOD that he did, because no matter how much work I have to do now on myself…or how big of space he left within me…..I have DON’T have the to worry about worrying about him anymore. The focus is back on ME ME ME!!!! It’s all about ME….and damn’t….that feels good. I’ve been so wrapped up for the past year and a half in his needs, his issues, moving him to a better place, making him feel loved and wanted and secure of himself….and Frankly….That subject is old….”Cancel my subscription, I don’t need his issues!!!!” THIS IS A BLESSING if he never calls again….realize that….accept it….internalize it….This is your time to love you!! Believe me…mine hasn’t contacted me either and probably won’t…the feelings I have of wanting him to are just me wanting something I should be giving myself. This is about you….let the healing be about you…and let the living be about you.
Thank you Learning Again – I am excited to continue to work on myself and very hopeful about my future. It is when he does call that I don’t know what to do. My feelings were never validated so I can’t express them to him and I almost can’t distinguish between them myself. It is very difficult now to deal with my emotions and the low self worth that has resulted.
I love your quote “Cancel my subscription…” That is my favorite so far!!
This website has been such a consulation to me because I am going through such a traumatic experience with my ex-g.f. We dating for 2 years exactly. I spent the day before our 2nd year anniversary trying to find the best anniversary card and freshest flowers that I could the night before. When I drove (1hr) to go see her, I gave her all this and she immediately said, ‘We need to talk.’ After this, she broke up with me on our second year anniversary. It was so hard, because the week before, my prized car I’ve worked on for 4 years was completely destroyed by a drunk driver. This relationship breakup was literally more than I could take. I shared so many emotions and experiences with her and she was my first love that I was positive would end in marriage. I did everything that I could for her and always bought her the nicest, most expensive things for valentines, birthday, christmas, whatever. Furthermore, all I wanted was for her to love me back and want to be with me.
It hurts so much because I feel like I just wasn’t good enough. I graduated college, have a stable job, starting my MBA, and living on my own. She broke up with me, because I am shy around people when I first meet them, and even all the stuff I bought her, she’d still call me cheap.
I fell into a very self-destructive cycle where I was drinking alcohol so heavily at night everyday, and waking up in the morning with very puffy eyes and sick to my stomach. I would then drink a lot of whatever had caffeine in it just to get me through the day and at night I would just eat tuna out of a can, and beans out of a can b/c that was all the energy that I had because I was so depressed. A lot of that time I compuslively called and emailed her, wanting to know so badly what was going on, and refusing for the first 3 months that it was over and trying to fix things.
I’ve finally made peace with the events that have occured. I don’t know anymore what she thinks of me or how she feels about me, but it dosen’t matter anymore. These articles by Susan finally gave me the push to be able to get on with my life.
I don’t know when I will meet someone again, but I know I deserve to be treated better than my ex treated me.
I’ve never felt so disrespected and so discarted in my life.
some women fall for a guy who is the center of attention, the womanizer type, who is wanted and outspoken and attractive to everyone, especially to other women. the women who are into this type of guy are simply in competition with other women, they want the guy whom every other woman wanted but did not get. being with such a guy makes these women feel better about themselves, it gives them the impression that they are better in comparison with other women. such women are also very likely to fall for material stuff like expensive presents, resorts, etc. they want more. they want everything. to win the competition. such women are never satisfied and do not look for love. they look for awards and proofs that they are better than others.
i do not know whether your girlfriend is this type of a woman, it is for you to know. however, the fact that she is criticizing your shyness and that calls you cheap after all the things you did and bought for her show that she is someone who cares about HERSELF first (what she has- material stuff) and HER IMAGE second (what other people are going to think of her and her boyfriend). That is all she is thinking about. you do not need to starve yourself and fail in your job and MBA because you lost this kind of girl. it is a very cruel thing to dump you on your anniversary and without advanced notice. or maybe you were in love with her and you did not see the signs that she never bothered to conceal. either way, take care of your body, mind and soul and read Susan’s articles and the miracle of Moving On With Your Life Will begin soon. It is a blessing that we are all here on this site. I dont even remeber how I came across it. I feel like Ive always been here
I’m not really sure how I came across this site either but I am glad that I did. I really don’t specifically know what happened to the point where our relationship turned because she never really explained it to me which was the most frustrating part when we first broke up. I don’t regret anything that I did, because I tried my best to make her happy.
When I reflect back I know things were not going the way that I wanted it to and I think I was just a little too desperate to give up on it. My ex-gf did not support me when I first got my job b/c of the pay or my decision to go to grad school. On top of that, I always felt self-conscious because, it got to the point where she was always saying something negative about me and putting me down a lot. Before 2 years ago, she wasn’t like that, and she was a much kinder person, but after 2 years she because very self-centered and all about ‘money’ and ‘herself’. I suppose this lead her to ‘overlook’ the positive traits about me.
I was always under the impression that women want a loyal, honest, and supportive man in their life. I’ve always strived to be like that with her, and at the same time I’ve always dreamed (even when I was little) that I’d meet the perfect woman, which logically I know isn’t her, not even close. I think that my heart is so empty right now which is why I pathetically think about her and want her back, but I know logically and in my head that this was for the best. Unfortunately, the pain is still very fresh and I still feel very fragile over the situation that I didn’t even cause.
Hopefully, as time progress I can continue to feel better. I’ve taken better care of my health, and I’m trying my best to put this whole experience behind me.
Michael,
Women do want a loyal, honest and supportive man in their life. Please don’t allow the ex to change that. You will find that person who sees how great you are and that’s is going to be worth all the wait.
In my own breakup, I am trying to learn the lesson in this ‘transition’ and become a better person for me. Then, when the RIGHT one comes, I will be ready.
Good Luck and keep reading!
Michael,
You deserve more, forget your ex-gf and just move on with your life…sometimes there are things that, usually happen which we cant explain, but i do believe that everything happens for a reason…
Good luck and god bless!!!
Grief recycling this past weekend, probably due to Easter. Eh, I feel depressed :(
Mike,
Dude I feel you man. I have been broken up with my ex-gf for over 2 years!!! I have my ups and downs, but when it comes down to it, I haven’t been able to let her go either. We broke up a semester after she went to college and a couple months later she was involved with someone else. To this day it hurts like hell.
To be honest I wasn’t the best bf either but I sure as hell tried to be. I’ve learned from my mistakes and don’t intend on ever doing them again. But I can’t help but still feel guilty and broken after all this time.
I caught this post because I had a dream about her and all the old feelings came back. I miss her like crazy and wish that I could see her again. I haven’t seen her face nor spoken to her since January 2006. And it makes me feel like such a loser cuz it’s been so long.
You’ll be fine man. If what you wrote is true, you did nothing wrong and are way better off without her.
I too am trying to be that honest, devoted and supportive guy for the next girl that walks into my life. It just hasn’t happened yet… but I pray to God that it will.
I’m sure it will happen for you too.
All in due time my friend… All in due time…
It’s been about 6 weeks, and I think I could stop obsessing if my ex didn’t take up with my coworker. I have to see him and hear him, and see him texting her, and this brings me back to h er. I need to stop and I wish I could I suppose I will someday. What bugs me the most is my tendency towards violent wishes. I want my ex’s new boy, my coworker to get physically hurt somehow. I also want my ex to hurt emotionally, since she moved to him straight away from me.
Shady Cotton,
I work with my ex who has taken up with a co-worker. I, too, see them together every day. And because we work together, I hear just about everything (from others) about their plans, etc.
After 4 dates, he is practically living at her home. They come in to work together, her with wet hair, etc.
I know and feel your pain. i understand your wishing bad things but it is because you are hurting and feeling rejected. You must take your focus off of them and put it on you.
It is hard but it is a day by day process.
For me, it has been 4.5 painful months. I have good days and then I fall back. But each time I seem to not fall back as far.
Focus on you and not them….unless you like being in pain. Cuz so long as you think about them and focus on them, you will continue to hurt in horrible, horrible ways.
You msut find a way to let go. Little by little….let go.
Nese
Wow, I am sorry to hear that. I didn’t think anybody could Identify with my situation. Atleast I don’t have to see them at work together. Not yet anyway(I know she wants a job where we work, and used to work there too).
Thanks for your input.
You are welcome Shady Cotton. One of the many things I have learned from this site is that everyone here can identify (at least in some aspects) with everyone elses situation. It is amazing that while we are all unique, what we experience in a break-up has been suffered by others for centuries before us and isn’t so unique in terms of the pain and process we must go through to heal.
And, you/we are not alone in our suffering today. Take courage and strength from others whenever you can.
Good luck!
You are welcome Shady Cotton. One of the many things I have learned from this site is that everyone here can identify (at least in some aspects) with everyone elses situation. It is amazing that while we are all unique, what we experience in a break-up has been suffered by others for centuries before us and isn’t so unique in terms of the pain and process we must go through to heal.
And, you/we are not alone in our suffering today. Take courage and strength from others whenever you can.
Good luck!
I have been NC since Feb. 18th. He was texting me after that but then dropped that…that what he does—he is narcissistic!!! It was a 4 year on and off relationship—at his convenience. When it got too serious–he just dissappeared. I ALWAYS was the one to contact, write letters, email, text….but he would say NOTHING! I thought it was because he was a coward…but now I understand that he has a personality problem…I had a weak moment a few days ago and I text him that I missed him and that I wanted to talk! DUMB!!!!!!! No response! I knew that would happen…but my weakness took over and I am hurting again. I am bamboozled by the empty promises, hopes and dreams taken away and the things I feel I am missing out on. He has that “electric” personality and I tend to be more shy. I get jealous that he is out and about and I am not meeting anyone. I cry thinking of him and if he misses me. I WILL NEVER KNOW!!!
That is what is so hard…I have to accept that do all the things this site says to do. I have good and bad days. I feel so lonely sometimes and it seems hopeless…I still wonder if he will come back….UGH! I shouldn’t want him back! He just never picked up the phone…no goodbye—no explanation! So Hard!!!!!!!
I just have so much trouble understanding how people can be so insensitive, and in a professional place, too! I have so many friends who have taken care not to upset their exes and not rub things in other people’s faces. Sheesh.
It reminds me of how Jennifer Aniston remarked that Brad Pitt was missing a “sensitivity chip” when he did a photo spread soon after his divorce, posing as a happy family with actor children with Angelina Jolie.
Jen, it doesn’t matter if Mr. “electric” misses you, he doesn’t, if he did, he’d be with you. So, knowing that Mr. “electric doesn’t miss you, how about you doing something for yourself to create that Ms. “electric” that you crave and envy? The world is a big mirror and what you see in someone that you really like is what you desire in yourself. So, what do you feel you’re missing in yourself and want to change? Start there. Define what “electric” really means to you? A good conversationalist? A charming dialog? A big vocabulary? Able to talk BS with anyone? A sales pitch? What does it mean to you? Give to yourself what you crave from others.
I envied my ex as well, but once I really thought about what it was I was envying it turned out it wasn’t really anything I deeply valued for myself. It was a dog and pony show and in the end, bored me. I now enjoy people that are real and interested in me as a person, not as a commodity to fill in the ‘boring’ times of their lives. Hope that helps. And remember, “it doesn’t matter if he misses you…you don’t care!”
Cat–thank you so much for caring to write to me. I actually have “It doesn’t matter” written on my refrigerator..haha! I try to believe it….I just have weak moments. You’re right. I envy him because he seems to be FINE without me and is able to move on easily. I WISH I could have those “qualities”. Each time we break up I am a mess for a long time and when he comes back I cave in. He knows it! I agree with you that I need to look to myself for those “missing” attributes. I truly believe that in the end I will look back on this and wonder what the heck I was doing but being in the situation is torture. I have to get the idea out of my head that he will miss me—he usually comes back–that’s why I am trained to think this way. I have to NOT CARE and stop the wishing /hoping cycle to ever move on. I go to therapy and I told her that the hardest thing for me is picturing him with someone else. He made me believe I was the “best person he ever found…etc” It was a bunch of BS! I need to figure out something that will stimulate my world besides him! My thinking is still distorted and warped by his toxic ways…..I appreciate your help:)))))
Jen, your comments reminded me of what my thearpist told me a long time ago when my ex was always breaking up and returning, that it ultimately would be up to ME to stop the back and forth. I was the only one that could put an end to it and my therapist was right. It wasn’t until I decided that I no longer wanted to see, hear or communicate with the ex that the law was laid down. Has the ex tried to contact me, yup, do I care anymore, nope. Why? Because I made a decision that I wasn’t someone that deserved to be jerked around like a puppet for someone and if I didn’t stop the ridiculous cycle of back and forth, I couldn’t get on with myself, and my life.
I remember the tortured thoughts of my ex with someone else and what worked for me was to go ahead and allow those visions to be seen. Fortunantly for me, the ex was horrible in about every possible area of a relationship (sex, holding hands, building a life, communicating, etc) that to vision the ex with someone else doing all those things as horribly with another was sort of liberating. I think what I was doing is breaking the fantasy image and really honing in on how the ex made me feel…which was AWFUL! At this point, the ex could be with the entire world and I wouldn’t care, the ex is leftovers to me.
As far as your ex making you ‘believe’ that you were the best he ever found…you ARE and WILL always be the best he ever let go of. Just because your ex didn’t stay with you doesn’t mean your still not the best he’ll ever have, it just means he has his own issues that he doesn’t deserve you. So who really cares? You? Do you want to care more about his issues than your own?
You will look back on this someday, and you will ask yourself, “what was I doing?” And you know what, you’ll understand where it all came from and why you were doing it because you will have clarity about yourself. The only way to get to clarity is to stop contacting, thinking, pining, hoping and wondering about the ex. Turn ALL that energy, EVERY single bit of it onto yourself. When you think, “I wonder how is with XYZ,” you immediatly turn the thought to you, “what about myself needs this right now?” Redirecting your focus is hard but like any obession or habit, after awhile, it becomes apart of you.
You are welcome and thank you for sharing your honesty. I feel honored to be apart of a group of people that share so deeply and openly here on this site. By sharing our stories (and they are stories of OUR experiences) we see that we, the dumped, are all so wonderful and capable of loving so deeply, an attribute our ex’s WILL miss if they ever get it (most likely not) and an attribute that makes our world so much more alive than theirs. How awesome is that! And now, I’m off to spend this beautiful sunny day discovering something new about myself, alone…have a great day, do something just for yourself, if it’s as simple as going for a walk, it’s the first step toward something new. I remember being very down one day and decided I needed to go for a walk…that first step in my walk has now equaled running 3 miles almost every day and a 5k marthathon…who’d ever knew (certaintly not me) that I’d be a runner. In fact, if someone told me I would be running 3k last year when I took that first walk, I would have looked at them like they were speaking another language. So GO GO GO…do something, anything, for YOU! Hugs and support.
cat
Cat—there are tears in my eyes reading your response! I, for the first time truly feel understood. Our friends, family, etc…try to “get it”…but they don’t. I feel lucky to have found this site and people that want to help and make others heal….THANK YOU!!!!!! I agree with the “fantasy images”…its true! I am not really sure what I am missing…he didn’t, after 4 years make a move towards a honorable commitment and the insecurities I had all stemmed from his Sketchy behaviors and commitment issues. I WILL REDIRECT my thoughts….I have to! He lives 45 minutes away from me and I will never know what he is really doing so that makes it easier…I tent to torture myself with my own thoughts…I will try to think about ME for once and now the “what ifs and the maybes”….. I have lost myself completely and need to get ME back. I was thinking earlier about something you actually wrote about. I am glad that I feel and have emotions…It is actually quite sad that he cannot feel and shuts down the way he does. He will be missing out on so much in life by remaining distant from real feelings and the inability to be a partner in a deep meaningful relationship. I can’t wait to actually feel that again. I was married and my husband passed away five years ago at the age of 31. He was my soulmate and I KNOW how it feels to be loved deeply by someone. I think this mess I was in was a band-aid getting me through that horrible time. I held on for dear life to not go back to that sad-dark place again after my husbands death…but with the completey wrong person. Again—I have been lost for a long time and need to figure out how to get myself back….Thank God for this site —it has given me hope:)
jen, I also chose someone very wrong for me when I was grieving over someone else (and some other things).
What happened to me then, after my breakup, is I felt all the grief that I had been holding back by distracting myself with the guy. It almost sounds possible for you too- as if when you have him, you distract yourself from your unresolved issues, and when you don’t have him, you have your own drama in your head about him to distract yourself, again, from your own issues. All that deep, darkness piles up and we continue slogging along, carrying it, until BAM! We feel it.
I wasn’t feeling so much the pain of losing my ex-bananahead, but was and am feeling the pain of other, much more important and valuable losses. My pain isn’t so much about the ex, but about them. Perhaps if you put that into your mind, that the pain and the craziness that you’re feeling/acting isn’t much about a narcissistic jerk who couldn’t value a good person if she were the last person on the Titanic with a life raft, but instead the grief/craziness/pain is about a true loss: a real marriage with a good person. And that grief needs to be worked through.
You might really want to get the Grief Recovery Handbook, and I think you’d really find some benefit, if you like it, to work through it with your therapist or a good friend.
Cat…I am sorry for you my dear and your especially painful losses and the grief….Loosing a wonderful love through death and then suffering the pain of your current relationship ending……I agree with Serenity. What you are suffering is probably no such much about the current ex…..but your earlier loss, your missing the love you once had, the search to find it again and, possibly, your fear of never finding that kind of love again.
Grief Recovery Handbook is really good advice. A virtual hug is coming your way….hope you can feel it!
Nese, I think you meant your post for Jen.
Jen,
I’m so sorry you lost your husband, someone who requited your love, how wonderful you experienced that and how sad you have hurt yourself over someone that you thought may fill that hole in you. I’m really sorry about your pain today.
Susan has some wonderful insights and direction she shares on this site and everyone is grateful for what she gives here to all of us. You will find you have a huge support network here and you are going to unravel all that pain you have inside of you as you read and discover.
I really believe Susan is correct when she wrote about ‘phases,’ we go through in healing. I’ve been healing for years but really didn’t know it because when I was feeling okay, the ex would pop back in and I’d be so happy that I was getting attention again that I never really got to the real healing part. It wasn’t until I detached for awhile and didn’t pursue or accept any relationship stuff. Those are very dark days but looking back I can’t believe what I allowed and what I was doing to myself. I remember askiing myself once, “do I really hate myself?” Because I was acting out, allowing hurtful people in my life and just not taking care of myself.
I don’t know where you are in the healing process/phase, but there are so many good books and so much information that will help you if you want to. You sound like such a wonderful person, rich in character and capable of anything you set your mind to. I agree with Serenity and ‘Nese, check out the Grief Recovery information. To lose your husband at 31 is traumatic, maybe all of this feeling replaced is you trying to replace him? I’m not a thearpist, but just that alone seems like a huge event in your life. I remember this simple LOVELY book I read at the recommendation of my friend, “Surviving the Loss of a Love,” and how I would literally sleep with this book when I experienced my first big heartbreak. The last page of the book brought me to tears, the author threw in this little annodotes and it said: A kiss to the mind.
That’s what we sometimes need, that little motherly kiss to our minds to calm us.
You are understood and you CAN do this (a Susan mantra!)
Cat, Nese and Serenity…
Thank you so much for your help and care. I seemed to be a bit better this morning waking up…I came right to the computer to read. Usually, weekend mornings are tough for me. I lay around depressed thinking who could possibly laying with him in his apartment, with all the familiar surroundings that were my reality such a short time ago. It would wake me up in a sweat thinking about it. BUT—this morning, I got up took my dog for a long walk and tried to focus on the flowers, trees and people walking by. I am attempting to fill my head with other thoughts. I went on a date last night with someone I met a few weeks ago. Not great…haha. I still compare and feel like nobody will make me feel the way he did. DUMB!!!! I felt great for about a year…then he made me feel horrible, insecure and like I was “taking him away from the things he really wanted to do”. UGH! I don’t think Im ready to date seriously yet. I am very good at getting out there…but at the moment nobody stands a chance. I am the queen of 1st dates:) I am turning 35 in a few months so I guess that puts the pressure on too. Why is all of this so scary????? You think your life is going in one direction, then BAM!!! Presto-chango! Its scary starting over AGAIN!!!!!!!! I am teling myself that new could be exciting…but right now, it just seems hopeless. Anyway- thank you again for making my morning less anxiety-ridden than the previous weeks/months… I will try to get through the rest of the day with all redirected thoughts!! I hope you all have a beautiful Sunday!!
Jen,
I understand, clearly, the thoughts about him and wondering who is is with doing what. In my case, I clearly know since we work together. I, too, would find myself imagining them together. Him holding her/kissing her the way he once held me…..but it was like hitting my head against a wall (or my toe with a hammer)….hurt so much I finally stopped doing it (well, at least not as much).
At 35 you have your life in front of you. Seriously! If I could be 35 again and know what I know now…..wow!
So, at 35, you already know more than I did at that age. You have the chance to create something really fabulous! Go for it! Make your life….don’t waste another minute pining for someone who can’t or won’t reciprocate in giving you the love you deserve and are willing to offer to them.
Yu may consider yourself the queen of first dates but it will be those dates that help you separate the wheat from the chaff.
Good luck!
‘Nese…
I think the MAGIC number 35 is scaring me the most…I am one of my only friends single and I keep meeting the same loosers out and about… I come home a night and feel so depressed because I feel too old or that I may never find someone that I will feel strongly about again. Today was hard for me because it is Mother’s Day and for the first time I cannot contact his mom who I was so very close to…She loves me so much but I didn’t want to contact her and embarrass myself vecause I just broke NC last week. He has not responded… Also his Masters Degree graduation is next week and I have been getting such anxiety that I will not be attending. His big family that I was such a part of will all be there and I am OUT! I think about it and it makes me sick. Its hard when certain events approach — it brings up feelings and the issues of being shut out ever more! I am sad, mad, confused, hurt, lonely and hopeless today…..I almost picked up the phone earlier…FOE WHAT???? I know it will pass…just a hard day… Yes…35 is not old, just older than I ever imagined I would still be in this scenario……:(
Jen,
I totally understand each of your feelings. What you are feeling (those awful emotions, fear, confusion, anger, etc.) happen to us at any age when we are faced with this kind of loss.
But you will be all the wiser from anything you learn along the way and you can start making a better life for yourself sooner than some of us (because some of us didn’t pay attention to the lessons we were supposed to learn so now we have a delayed start).
My bet is that as soon as you feel strong and confident about yourself the “loosers” will no longer have a place at your table because you will be attracting better/healthier people to join you at your table of life!!!
Hang in there Jen! You are going to be just fine! I’m sure of it!
‘Nese–
Thank you for the encouragement! I know I will be fine… I just have rough days and get discouraged… I KNOW he was wrong for me deep down, but I pushed so hard and tried and believed- until I lost myself completely! I have NO IDEA what I want or how to be in a “normal relationship”. I was married to a very sick person for 2 years ( as a newleywed)…he passed away, then 6 months later (not that I was looking) I fell head over heels into this toxic mess. I have not been in a healthy relationship since 2001–before my husband became ill. That’s a LONG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!! With therapy and this site, I have confidence that I will be OK…Thank you for helping me:) I appreciate it….Jenn I still believe everything happens for a reason—I have my fingers crossed! HAHA
Hey Jen, welcome to the club, I also turned 35 last month and I refuse to get into a “its all over” mood, as I think it is an exciting age! Well, and my ex was much older so I feel younger now ;-) Hang in there, I have shit days too, but it will pass it will pass it will pass.
Hey again Jen…well, you were in a caretaker role with your husband for 2 years and probably resumed that role with number two and somewhere along the way you lost yourself and no one was taking care of you (including yourself).
I’m a great co-dependent caretaker…I take care of everyone but never do I take care of me nor have I expressed well what I wanted/needed/expected from others towards me.
Things are changing and some people are becoming uncomfortable with the new vocal me (including me) as they try to force me back into the role that makes them comfortable but does nothing for me other than perpetuate my co-dependency and lack of self-esteem and lack of personal care-taking.
Daily I make the effort to learn and change my behaviors…some days I fare better than others.
Yah…I guess 35 isn’t all that bad:) Thanks for that!!! IT WILL PASS……
Yes, I WAS in a complete care taker roll with my husband and then I met a narcissist! He swept me off my feet…but it was all about him! Naturally! I DO always put everyone before me…I always have. So, I went from being a “nurse” to a co-dependent pathetic girl that did anything, anytime and anywhere…It was always on his terms…because he pumped up my self esteem so high when I was with him. When I left or he left…I sunk to a deep low…I was always afraid to rock the boat and speak up or express anger or get mad in general–because I was afraid he would leave me. Then I would be alone again! Well, he kept leaving, and returning…etc….I totally forgot about me as well… I let my world revolve around him and my happiness depended on his moods, our weekends together, etc…Pretty sad! Now, here I am…trying to get ME back but I’m not totally sure who that is anymore. I too, need to change behaviors and become my own “good mood” maker:) Its in the works………slowly!
Jen – I read your note and thats exactly what happened to me. I suggest you read ” Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood.
He swept me off my feet too – I thought he was everything my husband was not. I became a person that I hardly recognize, I know I am assertive, articulate and competent in my chosen field of expertise. But somehow I realized I was becoming a shadow of myself, I can no longer tolerate the devaluation, push and pull crazy making drama he was putting me through. I decided 3 months ago to put a stop to it, he had an idea it was coming – but there was no dramatic goodbye. I just decided to cut off all communication, the relationship was not going anywhere. I refused to make my life revolve around him.
I know and understand what you are going through, be kind to yourself because it is tough. When you are ready, take time to look into yourself and ask THE questions – what was it about you, was there a void wanting to be filled. During this time, you will get sad, you want to contact him but please DON”T..sit on your hands and read this blog instead. When you find the answer to your questions it is time to work on you. Here is what I am doing and I hope it will help, read the book that I mentioned, find a support group, most importantly find your spirituality because you cannot do this alone. I hope I am not being preachy or anything but it really your spirituality is the anchor that holds.
There are so many folks in this site who will hold your hand I am certainly one of them.
Faith…
thanks for writing! I give you credit for putting an end to the madness… I never could. I always knew that it was not a good scenario, especially after he left and returned 3 times! But— I always caved in and took him back. He had this hold over me and he always came back strong. I thought it would be different each time. I have been sitting on my hands…it ha been so hard for me! I am such a communicator! He disappears and going NC is torture for me. I have come far, but still feel anxious and scared. I feel like I will never feel the same about someone else and I can only IMAGINE who he is seducing during this time… He’s damn good at it! Yes, the spirituality thing is huge, I know…I have been going to therapy and this site is amazing. I go on whenever I feel weak or sad. I need to get the book you recommended….sounds exactly like me. Deep breath—this is hard! I commend you on the strength you have to make the decision to get rid of the toxic relationship you were in…it takes a tough person to actually go through with it! I pray for strength everyday and I am surprised I have made it this far. I always feel like bad things happen to me and I am waiting patiently for happiness and peace. I am not an UNHAPPY person, but I have been dealt a pretty crappy hand in life a few times and I feel like my turn is coming! :) I can’t give up:)
Jen – if you do not mind my asking what is his hold on you? I was in the relationship for 2 and half years but the bad out weighed the good.
You are a wonderful woman who deserves better, look deep inside so you can start filling in the void. Peace will come when theres absolutely no contact, you can do it. There will always be sadness, we must learn how to live with it with grace and acceptance and is it up to us to find happiness in the small pockets of our lives. Afterall it is a choice.
I think his hold on me is this— After my husband died I was in a dark hole.. I met him and he “brought me back to life”… in a sense. I felt again, I loved again and I was reintroduced to intimacy again–after such a long time. I think I felt lucky to have another chance at love after losing the love of my life. I gave all of me to him and believed him as well…even though he came with red flags—I looked beyond them because I believed in love so much. I thought it had to be something sent to me…boy, was I wrong! He had the family I longed to be a part of and the confidence I always was attracted to. I felt more confident and sexy around him…Without him…it was like I was in the black hole again. I guess it was like a drug….he made me feel better—ironically, then always so much worse. There was no happy medium. Never an calm, level, serene feeling. The roller coaster ride made me feel alive and I was well aware of it… The highs and lows were stimulating and hurt me as well…but at least I was feeling something, anything! It wasn’t ALWAYS bad….we had 1 1/2 years together before the drama began…after that—it was on and off constantly…all on his terms. I lost myself and became the world’s biggest pushover. He knew it! I KNOW I deserve better and I believe I will be happy one day, but it is just getting over this huge hurdle into freedom that is hard… I miss him, but I don’t miss the hurt, panic attacks or the questioning if this will really work. I never really had a secure feeling. It was a weekend only relationship…he lives 45 min away…and I LIVED for the weekends and for spending time with him. Gosh—I don’t even know what normal is anymore!!!
Hi Jen – Having gone through an abnormal relationship I find myself watchful of situations and people.
I try my best to put a positive spin to this – even as I still struggle to overcome the pain, I ask myself what am I learning.
You will be happy someday as I know I will be. I am off for a few days vacation, I am going to make it a part of my healing process. God Bless and Take Care!
I need to be more watchful of situations and people as well… I was in a bad place and very vulnerable. My therapist has been helping me tremendously and educating me on narcissistic behaviors/lack of their ability to have a normal relationship. She said as soon as I asked anything of him–he runs. He needs to keep things surfaced/not deep. He cant do it!!!
Have a great vacation—much deserved.
I will try to remain positive as well:)))
I identify with what you say about your ex and your relationship. I came to understand that part of the lure of a narcissist has been the fantasy he’s/she’s offering. My ex told me he was in love with me within 3 weeks of meeting me (which I knew at the time was a red flag but ignored). Now, I realize I wanted to believe it because it was like a fairytale. When I met him I wasn’t feeling lonely or looking for relationship but… I was getting out of an abusive work situation that had worn down my self-esteem. So when I met someone who was telling all these wonderful things, they did make me feel better about myself, and, definitely, more alive.
So, I’ve had to look at what was at play in my life, in my psyche at the time.
However, from what I’ve read about narcissists, they often have an uncanny ability to perceive what others want to hear and feel about themselves. It comes the closest I’ve ever heard about someone being able to read someone else’s mind. But, it’s not beneficent. It’s predatory. It’s like a con offering someone an island in the Pacific: they play on our dreams and our vulnerabilities. It’s too good to believe, but that’s what cons do. This is the sinister aspect that’s incomprehensible to us, and most of us deny it, until we’re out of it.
But here’s the good news. Everything I’ve read about pathological narcissism suggests that the way we CAN guard against repeating this with someone else, with another narcisssist, is to get to know OURSELVES; to learn what our vulnerabilities are. Learn what fantasies or unrealistic expectations we have — in general — of SOMEONE ELSE “making us feel alive” or making our lives exciting or rescuing us from a humdrum existence.
Hunkering down in reality, and being really honest about what another human being is CAPABLE of providing someone in a partnership, is our best guide.
Coming to a place of knowing WE can make ourselves feel alive; and, WE can make our lives exciting so that we do not need to be rescued will set us free. We learn that we are whole and great, just as we are.
I’m writing this to myself as much as to you, Jen.
Know thyself, what power.
We can do this!
Seeif…
I cannot tell you how much that touched me.
Yes…I have grown more knowledgeable about narcissism and I am pretty damn sure I will never get involved with another one again. :) Funny, mine told me he loved me in the same amount of time. I found it strange, but it FELT GOOD!!!!!! I was scared to be apart from this person…because I was afraid of being alone with myself. My therapist says he has an ALPHA MALE complex. He made me believe he was superior to me and without him, I feel empty and that he has so much more than me.
I am learning and growing and grieving. I KNOW I am worth it and going to experience love again someday. Until then, I am here, with ME (and my dog) and we are ok:) I am committed to healing and moving past this once and for all.
I appreciate your kind, caring words. Now I can actually sleep tonight…:) We CAN do this!
This was exactly what I needed to read this morning! Thanks Susan!
This is one of my biggest problems right now. One of the most often times that I get sad is when I wonder what he thinks of me and if he will call me back and say that he misses me eventually and what will I do if he does.
It doesn’t matter. I find it incredibly hard to censor my thoughts, but I am trying.
Tonalea it doesn’t matter what he thinks or if he misses you. It makes no difference. My ex says he misses me, but he’s screwing someone else…yeah right.
He’s either in a relationship with me or he isn’t, and he chose not to be.
I have gone through similar feelings from my breakup experience. I had an absolutely devastating breakup with my ex of 2 years (the breakup itself was really really f***ed up). I have strong caretaker tendencies and took care of my ex because I cared for him so much (which towards the end of our relationship, became almost parent/child – not healthy at all). In the process, however, I lost myself and became so focused and enthralled by him that I forgot to take care of myself to the point that I became co-dependent on him. He became my world and my best friend. I definitely know what its like to have that presence in your life disappear – its like an addiction and you need the hit each day.
What I can say is this – it does get better. I know many readers and posters read it or hear it from others and its really true BUT it is a process. For the longest time, I didn’t trust it or believe it because I was in so much pain and I couldn’t see ANY hope or light in my situation (and this is me spending months in deep sadness, not eating, not excercising, not sleeping, taking a break from work to go outside and cry, sleeping 12 hours a day because I couldn’t deal with the sadness and thoughts in my head, crying several times throughout the day, self-medicating, chain smoking, and cocooning myself from friends and people because I literally did not have the energy to face people).
But if you measure your progress say each month or every 2 months, you will notice the difference. Day to day or week to week is a little harder to tell…but looking back on your progress and seeing that definitely helps you to grow even stronger and become proud of yourself for making it so far. I drew a lot of my strength from that even though I still have moments of recycling grief and “missing” him. However, the more time and space I distance myself from that situation, the more clarity, strength, and peace I have.
Think of it as re-birth and re-creation of your identity and taking the time the find out what YOU like. Its painful at first…much like learning a new sport, but over time and with more practice it gets easier and easier. Soon you will have a new person that is so much more wise and strong from having gone through this situation. Take that new person and run with it!
And if that seems like a far reach now – think of the alternative of wallowing in sorrow and becoming a sad, miserable person (which is not attractive to anyone – certainly the Mr. Right who awaits you in the future). There is a lot that life has to offer and you owe it to yourself to become the best person you can be!!
Claire, if you don’t mind me asking, how long did it take you to get to this point? I know it varies for everyone but I relate so well to your situation and horrible breakup.
Nice posting Claire. Thanks for sharing and for being here.
Very great blog. My business partner/ex boyfriend called it quits a few months ago. Because I didn’t feel comfortable with anyone else (or maybe too lazy to get back out there in the dating game) I did what you never should do…I let him back in my bed. He told me the age old line, “I don’t want to hurt you anymore” but yeah…he’ll still sleep with me though! Typical…
I’ve let go but he hasn’t. He has the key to my apartment which he refuses to return, he holds on to things that belong to me…but he never speaks to me. No calls, no texts, no emails, nothing. I see it as very controlling behavior and I’ve chosen to decide IT DOESN’T MATTER IT DOESN’T MATTER!! LOL The locks will be changed, I’ll get new things, and I will be happy with ME. Thanks Susan
Hope,
It took me about 7 months to get to this point and I still have crying fits or days where I’m just so sad. I can say, however, that the deep gut wretching pain where I feel like I can’t breathe or that the life is being sucked out of me is not as deep. Its barely discernable but I still notice the difference in myself so I know that I’m getting better, even if its slow progress.
Everyone probably tells you that “it takes time” and its true. In the beginning, I didn’t want to believe it, I just wanted to get it out of my system as soon as possible. I would fight the feelings and not allow myself to grieve and self-medicate trying to escape from the pain (part of this was due to the shock and denial I was in the first few weeks). As soon as I realized that this wasn’t going to get any better and that my ex and I were done for good, I decided to set up a timeline for myself.
I gave myself 6 months to grieve and really be good to myself and do whatever necessary to make me feel better (stay in bed all day and cry, go on shopping sprees, travel, etc.) – it was almost indulgent but more than anything, I gave myself the freedom to feel whatever I was feeling at the moment and not feel guilty for it. I told myself this is going to suck for a while and to just accept it. I also relied heavily on friends and a therapist, just talking and talking and getting my thoughts out.
I used the time as a way to measure my progress rather than than as a deadline (grieving experiences cannot be marked by deadlines anyway).
Its like when you have a cold – they typically last anywhere from a week to 2 weeks. There is really nothing you can do in the interim to make it go away faster. So other than taking medicine and taking care of yourself, you just have to let it pass through your system.
Of course, that mark has passed and I am not completely recovered but I can tell I’m definitely not the wreck I was 7 months ago. Seeing how far I have some has helped in the overall healing progress and given me some affirmation that I CAN get better and that the sad state I was in was not as permanent or dark as I initially thought.
Another thing that helped me was to not contact the other person (even when he tried to contact me for the first few weeks after our breakup). Of course, MUCH easier said than done but as Susan as posted on here before – its much healthier that way. I had to be very mechanical about it and really erase all signs of him from my life including pictures, etc. This was very difficult for me, especially coming out such a co-dependent consuming relationship. My ex and I spent a lot of time together and to suddenly not have that person to call everyday, to hang out with, or to go to events with was extremely painful. There are still moments where I miss him or think of telling him some new and exciting news but I stop myself because that would be going backwards into the past and I instinctively know it would just hurt to talk to him (so much that I associate him with pain now).
Also, its important to create a world for you where he doesn’t exist so you steadily re-build your life without relying on him. Establish your own social network (get in touch with old friends, volunteer, pick up a new sport, etc.).
And finally, keep reading this blog. One thing that I lacked during my initialy phases of healing was that I couldn’t relate my situation to anyone (many of my friends are getting married, etc.). People were sympathetic but it still wasn’t like a support group where people could related in real-time. This blog and other support mechanisms help you not feel so alone in this journey. Its overwhelming to have to deal with alone and things like this really really help.
Hope this helps!
Thanks Claire! Glad you’re here.
Thanks for sharing Lady…get those locks changed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ouch. Feeling very “missy” today, which annoys me, since I have been doing so well through this break up overall. Is this what this “recycling”is all about that I keep reading on these posts?
So, ever since the break up, I find myself feeling scared and lonely on Fridays, when my other coworkers are so excited for their weekend! Weekends remind me of X and I start to feel that void, even if I have plans and things to do. We used to do very fun things on weekends. This weekend marks the 2 month “breakaversary”? and I find that the pain and anger has lessened, and unfortunately find myself missing him, our good times, and our little life we shared. I think about our wonderfully sweet weekend mornings, where we’d make coffee and breakfast and plan the day. Those were special moments. I guess you can say I’m romanticizing, and not “hating” him as much for being the coward that he was. (not really ending things with me, but being vague). I still wonder if I shouldn’t have just gotten frustrated when he was being vague about us and not talked more with him after the “end”, maybe there was a chance… but I was so angry and thought I deserved better than guessing where someone stood with me. Perhaps I should have had more patience? These are scary feelings, to think I could’ve done more.
FTR, I’m completely NC, and plan on staying that way, but am just missing him and us very much today. I have been doing many wonderful things for myself through this, but it’s strange, sometimes even that makes me miss him, as I would’ve loved to share those things with him.
I’m feeling the overwhelming “God, doesn’t he MISS ME???? How can he not?? We shared everything together???!!”
I guess I need my GPYP support group at the moment.
Stronger,
here I am, as part of the “support group” :-)
What you feel is completely normal and understandable. Do not beat yourself up with “I could have done more”, because none of us is perfect, and I am sure you did your best at the time! which is the only thing that counts. It’s easy to look back and imagine “I should have” or “I could have” done/ not done XYZ, but that is only an illusion in your head, something that tortures you by giving you the impression that you could have controlled the uncontrollable. This is not just about you, but him as well, and you were BOTH involved in this (he also “could have done more”, but so what? he did not and that is a fact).
Don’t second guess your brave decision of NC or not wanting to wait any further for him to make up his mind. I am sure, deep down you know that it was right at the time, and that you are choosing a good path for yourself (as hard as it is sometimes!).
I found this one so helpful: “Missing does not necessarily mean you want him back.” Remember that.
I also can relate to your “missing him” even when you do good stuff for yourself because still you would want to share those things.
Journal about the missing. Ask yourself what it is that you are missing, and why you are better off without him, even if you are (and still will be for a while!) missing him! Or your fantasy of him, whatever.
You do not need to “hate” him to move on. Infact, by hating him you would not do yourself a favor, as you would still be (even of negatively) connected to him in your emotions. So do cherish the good things that have been, but do not forget the bad stuff either and move on from there. How about a private little celebration (just you with yourself) of the “breakup anniversary” of 2 months? Treat yourself to something nice, maybe a glass of champagne. Make an effort to give yourself a positive feeling re. this, missing and all!
*thank you so so so so much, Greenroses!!!*…
Stronger:
First, kudos on being completely NC – that is great! As for your question, yes, in my opinion this is what recycling is all about.
I know that it is painful and uncomfortable and can be down right maddening, but please try to let yourself just go through it – feel the feelings without acting on them or judging yourself for being bad, wrong, etc for having them.
Journal, go for a walk/ride, talk to a friend, post here, work on your inventories … just do something that is GOOD for you and supports where you want to be.
And as for “God, doesn’t he MISS ME???” – what good come could come from knowing the answer? None! Regardless of what the answer is, it would NOT change the outcome.
So in Susan’s infinite wisdom: “It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter!”
Instead, please hear this now:
You matter
You are beautiful
You are worthy
You are lovable
You are strong
You are getting through this
You have a life more amazing than what you could have ever had with your ex unfolding right before your every eyes
So be good to yourself. Allow yourself to feel your feelings without judging them or yourself as wrong, and do your best to hold onto the knowledge that this necessary recycling is healing and shall pass.
Lots of hugs,
SmilingAngel
I hate Fridays too most of the time…but I love the Breakaversary! Let’s celebrate the break up! It’s a good thing :)
SmilingAngel, Greenroses, all all–
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, it made me cry, but in the good way. :)
You are all such thoughtful, caring, loving souls here on this site…
A therapist friend shared with me that those who love the most, unfortunately tend to hurt the most too. Not very comforting when we are hurting, like I am/we are now, but I for one love my capacity to love so much and I wish 2 things for myself and all of us here: that we can love ourselves as much as we love others, (first, actually!), and that we find partners who either love this much or appreciate, admire and value this quality in us. xo
Stronger,
Beautifully said! Thanks for sharing what your therapist friend said. It’s true and exactly want I needed to hear today.
I recently broke up with my ex. this site is a god-send!
THANKS to all of you. May we find comfort in our shared experiences and never give up on love.
Susan,
Thank You!
While I only found this post today, it’s message really hit home. I am going to email it to myself and read it everyday until I can recite it verbatim!
Thanks!
d
It’s funny how we do stupid things when we feel vulnerable. I never actually felt loved when I was a child. As I grew up, I had relationships which were detrimental to my wellbeing, and my insecurity grew, and breeded secretly inside me. I never showed my lack of confidence to boyfriends, but in retrospect I think my actions did. Although I contained a stiff upper lip.
I eventually met someone who I truly believe loved me, which resulted in two truly remarkable children. One day I found his mobile bill which indicated he had been phoning a particular number up to ten times per day. I became suspicious and telephoned this number. It was a woman, he also had short and frequent visits abroad where this woman resided.
To cut a long story short, denial, anger, blame as to me not giving him attention. Although he always adamantly rebuked my claims of infidelity. I felt like a nothing again. My childhood reappearing before my eyes. My mother was the centre of attention, never giving us emtional support. Mother was centre stage. I had no one. I felt trapped, almost as if caged in a small dark room, trying to free myself. I drank, I became a different person when I drank. Confident, self reliant.
I contacted an ex, we started to chat. Initially it gave me a boost, he wanted me to visit, he passed on his mobile. But one day I got drunk. I started to remember the past and I wrote some detailed thoughts. I explained my circumstances and he blamed me for hanging my dirty laundry out for all and sundry.
I suppose it is not because I wanted him, but to try and relive a period of no responsibility.
I now realise that individuals seem to bounce off from people who are going through a period of doubting themselves. Due to their own insecurity, it gives them a boost. I am still with the person who has so many unaswered questions.
I feel scared to leave, I feel that I will not be able to cope. because in my hearts of heart. I know that i have been deceived. But I am scared for the future. I realise that I may come across as a weak individual, but during the course of my job, I am totally in charge and take on a different persona.
suzan, you know that you want to leave this guy. Take advantage of haivng a capable persona as well as the wounded one. Get into your work persona and plan out an exit strategy in small steps. Build in a support net (CODA? therapist?) as part of the plan. Susan would be the first person to tell you that you CAN make a great life for yourself and GET RID of people who negativise your life as she did. Read her posting “Don’t Give Up the Day Before The Miracle Happens”.
One of the difficult things about leaving a relationship like this is once your out you have to face all of your own issues. And you have to face all the grief and wounding that you hold at bay by distractions, addictions, and patterns of behavior. That’s probably what you’re instinctively most scared of. But that’s what helps you make the victory.
I’m glad I came across this post tonight as after 23 days of NC I had SUCH a compulsion to ring him tonight. Mainly only to figure out whether he actually cared. I know nothing positive could be achieved from my contacting him. It would only frustrate me as things will never be the same between us again, but I would still be sad to have first-hand experience of this. I think the best thing about NC is that right now, what he does can’t affect me. Because I don’t know about it. What he thinks can’t affect me because I’m not aware of it. Sometimes it’s difficult to deal with NOT knowing what he’s doing/thinking but then I have to remind myself that IT DOESN’T MATTER, it’s got nothing to do with me! I still hope he will call and say he misses me, but Susan is right ‘missing’ is nothing. Sometimes I worry though that i haven’t really faced up to the fact that he’s gone, that he just made the decision to ‘drop out’ of my life, and now he has. That HE hasn’t contacted ME in 23 days, that he hasn’t cared enough to see how I am. That he hasn’t worried about my well-being whatsoever, even though he would know that the break-up would devastate me. This is balanced with knowing that we agreed NC for a few months so that we’d have a chance of being friends after this period. But sometimes I feel like he’s being let off easy. I haven’t done the stereotypical things of ringing him crying, sending him angry text messages, bad-mouthing him to his friends etc. And I think that’s mainly due to finding this website only a couple of days after we broke up. But being so proud at the scene of the break-up and just agreeing with it out of pure anger at his ‘confusion’, it does leave me with a vague sense of not having ‘fought for it’. ALthough I know that I shouldn’t have to fight for someone to care about me enough to stay with me. It is confusing. But I’m 23 days NC and I can’t recommend it enough. For those people in the first few days of NC, keep going. THe days mount up so fast and sometimes I get sad that it has been 23 days, but I also have to remember to be proud and that I’m 23 days closer to the new me!
My ex called…HELP
Hello everyone. It has been weeks since I broke it off with a man I was seeing for over 7 months. He told me he wasn’t sure if I was the one and he is dating several people right now. I could not believe it. I knew we were not exclusive since it is long distance. But I was not aware he had “several women” or that I was just one of many. So as hard as it was, I decided to end it. We decided to not contact each other at all. I have been in a deep depression, crying for weeks. I have just recently been able to get out of bed and on with my life. I’m trying to get through it.
I have been referring to this site. I have NOT called. But it was my birthday last week. He called at midnight. I did not pick up the phone. He left a message telling me happy birthday. He said “I’m sorry I called. I don’t want to make this harder on you, but I wanted to show you I did listen to you and tried really hard to remember your bday.”
I was so upset. It ruined my day. I didn’t respond. Why would he do that? I was wondering if anyone had any advice. Was he really trying to just be nice or trying to continue playing the game.
Roe Lynn:
I’m sorry your ex called – especially so close to your bday.
But clearly HE EVEN KNOWS that his behavior is all about HIM – after all he APOLOGIZED for calling because he knew it was going to make it HARDER ON YOU, BUT it was more important for HIM to take care of HIS NEEDS and contact you anyway.
That said, I APPLAUD you for putting YOU FIRST by NOT responding – BRAVO!!!
His reasons for doing what he did do not matter.
What does matter is how you treat yourself.
That said, be good to you – especially right now; grieve, journal, call a friend, do your affirmations, let YOU and how you are FEELING about all this be 100% because YOU and YOUR FEELINGS are.
You deserve so much more than this bananahead – you really do! So just do your best to do your work, get support, and celebrate all your progress and before you know it a life more wonderful than the one you ever would have had with the bananahead will appear.
Happy Belated Birthday Roe Lynn! Wishing you a year filled with nothing but happiness, health, and love :)
Many hugs,
SmilingAngel
NEED ADVICE PLEASE: Smiling Angel and others HELP
I had written before that the man I was seeing (who I had to end it with because he was dating several other women and wasn’t sure if I was “the one”) started contacting me 3 weeks after we ended the relationship.
He texted me again this week and asked, “Will we ever be able to be friends again.”
I still have strong feeling for him, but he has hurt me lead me on for such a long time. I am still trying to get over the humiliation and finding it very difficult to get out of bed everyday.
I know that it is not fair to me to be his friend while he is dating other women and the more he contacts me the more it hurts. I have asked him to stop but he doesn’t. (I cannot block his number because it is private).
So I lied and texted him “No we cannot be friends, I am seeing someone so keeping in contact is not a good idea.” He responded with “sorry.”
Now I feel so bad for lying but I don’t know what else to do to get him to leave me alone so I can move on. And I’m not sure that is going to get him to leave me alone.
Roe Lynn,
are you serious? You feel bad for lying? And what about his cheating and treating you this badly? Do you think you deserve that?
In my opinion, you are entitled to do what you have done and really have no reason to feel bad about it. You need to protect yourself, and you are clearly still vulnerable – so it’s natural to want to cut all contact. Why would you still want to relate to him or “do the right thing” (ie, not lying, etc)? You know why you did that. You wanted him to back off, and let’s hope it worked.
You write “And I’m not sure that is going to get him to leave me alone.” Well, that you will see when it happens. And if he should really not leave you alone no matter what, you always have a choice. You could even change your own number. There is no such thing as being the victim of someone else’s behavior. You CHOOSE to play the game or not.
Take good care of you!
Roe Lynn:
As soon as I read your post, my gut reaction was to tell you to change your phone number and instruct everyone you know NOT to give him your new number. Better yet, do not give it to people who you think may not be able to honor that simple request.
And part of the reason I had such a stronger reaction – e.g. change your number – is because you’ve already indicated in your posts that he does NOT care about you and your feelings. This is all about him, how he is feeling, and what he wants to do for his own selfish reasons – YUCK!
And as far as lying to him about the reasons to want NC, I too had a situation once where I lied to someone in order to get them to back off and for a while it left me feeling guilty. Then I talked to my life coach and she reminded me that it is okay to do what I need to do to take care of myself. That by telling this lie didn’t mean what I feared about myself was true – that I was a bad and/or weak person. It was me taking the best action I knew how to take at that time.
So please, cut yourself a break about lying to this bananahead. You did the best you knew how to do – not with the intention to harm him, but to HELP YOURSELF – and helping yourself is always okay.
And if for some reason the bananahead contacts you again, I say change your phone number so that you can give yourself the gift of some much deserved peace :)
Many hugs,
SmilingAngel
Roe Lynn,
In a way, you ARE “seeing yourself”- something that you might not have done prior to this.
Making yourself AS IMPORTANT to take care of as any boyfriend is a worthy pursuit.
Put this behind you. Keep taking care of yourself. And be as truthful TO YOURSELF and stop any lying or delusion you’ve allowed yourself to feed to you. If you honor yourself, that’s the best reparation you can make.
I love this article. I used to wonder if my ex missed me. I also used to wonder if anybody loved me. In fact (because I talk to myself a lot) I used to say to myself ‘does anybody love me?’. Don’t worry – I was always alone when I was talking to myself! I felt bereft of love. When I figured out that this was probably quite bad for me, I tried to counter the question with a list of the people who do love me (my mum, my dad, my sister etc.) but it never quite worked. It was only when I finally got that when the books say you have to love yourself they don’t just mean give yourself a luxurious bath with extra bubbles, they mean actually love yourself that I figured out my way to get beyond that question. These days when that question comes up for me, I reply: I love you and I will always be there for you. Sometimes I still wonder if he misses me, but I don’t indulge the thought, because quite frankly why should I care?
This is great writing. When someone walks away from you and dumps you like so much garbage, they cease to matter in your life. It feels good to really realize it.
Another great article. I know I am very much still in the cycle of “I wonder if she misses me”, “I know she will regret this in 6 months”, “I wonder if she is thinking abotu me”.
I know, deep down, the answers are no she doesnt miss me, no she doesnt think about me, but I am certain that at somepoint in the future she will get in touch and tell me she regrets breaking up. And I know that by then I will have moved on and will be able to tell her that its too late.
Only I’m not at that stage yet, but I will make sure to keep telling myself it doesnt matter.
Steve,
I did the same exact thing; always wondering “Does she miss me?” or “Has she moved on yet?” and all those crazy thoughts of her with someone new. I’ll tell you this, those thoughts (if not controlled) can and will consume you and make it more difficult for you to heal. Once I learned that she doesn’t matter anymore, that it was about ME and not her, then I was able to start the healing. I had to tell myself out loud “I DON’T CARE ABOUT HER” AND “WHO CARES WHAT SHE’S DOING AND WITH WHO SHE’S DOING IT WITH”.
The truth is this: Karma doesn’t forget. It all comes back around. Wait and see, in the meantime do your work and start the healing.
Well. I started reading and then got too depressed. I think the same thing everyday. I just searched “does anybody mess me, or want to be with me or think about me or care about me–ever.” And your thing came up. Everyone tells me to move on. I am a great guy, Harvard, etc. and the good Bruce is wonderful but the bad Bruce is a drag. So what else is new, right? But she took me really good. Bought her a summerhome and a new Lexus and all the time she already had her lawyers lined up. When she said I want $700,000 to buy a place for myself where I can be with other men, I said, what, what did I do? She said nothing, I just want to be with other guys. I said no. She filed for divorce the next morning. That was six years ago and her lawyers saw me coming. In Illinois the rich guy pays all th elawyers just by them saying I need more mone. I am out $2,000,000 in law fees and my prenup says each party pays their own (her mother was crazy and she had no relationship with her dad or two brothers–everyone told me to stay away–I could have married so many great women). Anyway none of this matters. What matters is she has brainwashed my only kid, now 15, who I have not seen since fifth grade. That is what kills me every fucking day. And nobody can do anything about it until all my money is gone to the lawyers….that is how it works in Illinios. Lots of suicides because of it….I’m too chicken even though I know I will wind up in the gutter like hundreds before me. Bye
Well the only good thing Bruce is that now you get to have a life minus a witch. Yes the finances may be a mess, but in working that out you need to also look at the question: how did I go and find somebody like that?
You can spend the next few years in righteous anger at HER and what a weirdo/psycho/b**ch etc she was (as I did about my ex), or you can focus on you and how you let yourself get involved with a monster. This second option leads to a better life. This second option gets you a whole new perspective, but it’s a lot of work and a lot of honesty is required about the choices you made. I would keep stay close to the posts on this site for clues, if you choose that path …
Lola
Bruce, Harvard doesn’t make you a great guy, and bragging about it especially. You could have married so many great women, why don’t you? Soul searching is part of gpyp :)
Susan,
Does that go for grown children also? I wonder if she misses me. She told me never to go back to my marriage, yet she is listening to her father. He never gave her love for most of her 33 years, yet now she is listening to him and she istreating me terrible, not calling me, or letting me see my three grandchildren, all of which I need so much at this time. We were so close. She says that, “She has to think about herself.” She was alone and lost and an unwed mother at 19, I was there for her, and it does hurt that she could leave me alone at this great time of trial for me. I try to say that I don’t care and that it’s not about her. But it does hurt, and going back to by initial sentence, I wonder if she misses me. Although the past week has been my most healthful week, mentally in the last 9 months, concerning thoughts and feelings about my ex. I also wanted to say that with attorney fees and lack of job I don’t have the money for outside help, and your site really has helped me, more than you will ever know. Thank you so much.
I REALLY NEED ADVICE . I am a basket case …crying for days.
I have been seeing a man on and off for years. I have JUST REALIZED that he has been using me. He lives in another state so I was only seeing him once every two months. He is open that he is dating other women and not looking for a relationship. He used to call me everyday and we’d talk for hours. He always made time for me. Anytime he asked to see me, I’d immediately jump on a plane (paying for my own ticket). But when I met his friends and family, he introduced me as a friend. Now for the past 3 months, I only hear from him once a week and he has not asked to see me in five months.
All of sudden this weekend he said he would be out of town for work and said I should come hangout. I just wanted to confirm what I already feel. Is he using me when it’s convenient if:
1) he did not offer to pay for my plane ticket (again)
2) gave me four days notice
3) he said he would be working all day and night until 11pm so I’d have to entertain myself till he’s off work
4) it was only an hour flight away from where I lived and never offered to come see me over the weekend.
He never once said, I really would love to see you or spend time with you. His words exactly were, “come hangout if you want.” Needless to say I told him lastnight I would NOT be flying out to see him.
So why am I not proud of myself for not going to see him?
Sharon,
Expenses and burdens are usually shared fairly (about 50-50 or whatever the couple agrees is reasonable for their resources). If he can’t meet you halfway (expenses and effort) he is showing you that you aren’t worth it to him. And you’ve been showing him that you aren’t worth it. I’d make a new arrangement or kiss this one goodbye.
ok, that’s it… I’m subscribing to this blog.
I hope i can have this attitude, but I’m not there yet. I do want her to miss me. I do want that phone call or email. I admit I’m a bit ashamed to feel that way.
I hope i can have this attitude, but I’m not there yet. I do want her to miss me. I do want that phone call or email. I admit I’m a bit ashamed to feel that way.
Joe, it doesn’t matter if you do or don’t get that I miss you message or call, unless their actions show you that there is more to it than I miss you. If it’s I love you and I miss you and I am committed to making it work, that’s different. If it’s just I miss you sometimes, that’s all it is.
I fear that I am becoming too regular a poster here, but Sharon, I know what you are going through.
I have a long-term ‘friend’ who in almost 20 years — yes, twenty years — never managed to visit me. I have flown all over the world, and I mean ALL OVER the world, including places where I needed to update numerous vaccinations to go visit! I have always paid for my own airline ticket. And then often paid for rental car, more than half any hotel costs, food purchased for me to cook and clean up afterwards, etc, etc.
But more than money, I paid with my soul. He left me in a particular heinous way for some rather stupid reasons (we were ‘too close’). I also paid with my health. I stopped eating, which sounds like a sure way to lose weight, but I am dangerously thin (size zero clothes fall off me) and developed gall bladder problems.
I understand your hurt and the only thing I can tell you is that if 3 months ago you told me that I would stop crying, would start eating, would start having a life again, I would have cried harder. And called you an uncaring lier.
Going NC was horrible, horrible for me. I saved every email and there were days of 20 emails! Plus Saturday and Sunday phone calls that went on for 2 or more hours. Then nothing….
I still grieve. A piece of my heart will always hold him for some unknown reason. From what I have heard or can fathom, he is blissfully going on with his life, not crying, not starving, not missing a beat.
I wish I had not given up so much power, so much time, so much money to him. Particularly after he dumped me.
Hang in there. This process is horribly painful, but he is a bananahead to the nth degree. Do not make a fool of yourself chasing after someone who treats you probably worse than he would treat his male buddies. Believe me, his men friends would not put up this sort of behavior.
When is seeing him with someone else not going to make me feel sick? Even though he says he’s not very happy, me misses me…why is their photo on facebook? Why did you choose someone I know?
Lisalisa,
Wow, I can relate. Went on FB last night and the ex’es new profile (3 months after our breakup after 3 1/2 yrs) picture is of him with a new girl at a bar with a Corona in hand, looking absolutely, hysterically, happy. His arm around her waist, all tanned. I spent hours last night trying to figure out who she was on his friends list (we’re not FB friends but I’ve found a way to dig), and I just see how he has moved on. What seems like a perfectly happy life, while I still feel miserable.
The pain in my solar plexus when I first saw that picture made me want to throw up, it still does and admittedly, I asked another friend to see if his status has changed to “in a relationship.” It never seems to end, once you start digging.
Hang in there, i think that is all I am doing right now. I wish I’d never looked it up, but I guess it’s the confirmation.
Hope you’re feeling better.
I am trying to avoid it, and him.
He said not that long ago that he’s not very happy and sometimes he does miss me a lot and it hurts.
I guess in one way it’s good to know he actually does have some feelings for me, but in another way it’s not, because the bottom line is he isn’t here. He gave up, didn’t want to try, didn’t want to truly share his life with me, ever it seems. And now I am left with a mess to pick up and sort out. After 10 years, we have a lot of mutual friends, a lot of which I haven’t heard from since this happened…friends indeed! I still have some anger inside and don’t know how to release it. I was blind. Now I see. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell. I miss him every day. I wish I didn’t.
Your ex may ’seem’ happy, but may not be. Either way it doesn’t matter, because he bailed.
I am experiencing this pain as well. My ex of 4.5 years and I had a rocky relationship. We moved from NYC to Southern California…after being together 9 mos! we had ups and downs and we broke up and I moved out in Oct. 2006…6 months later we were back together. 7 months after that his aunt (who raised him since he was taken from his mom when he was youinger) was diagnosed Stage 4 cancer and he lost his job he told me he was thining of moving back to NY to see her through her last few months and have me move back there after…I was devastated but said it was “Ok” and felt he had to do what was best for his family – he kept saying “this is what I wll do for our famiyl when we have one”. Ugh
We kept the long distance thing going for over a year (visiting each other every 2 mos) until I moved back to NYC dec 2008 and in with him in January. well shit hit the fan the moment we lived together and I realized I had progressed or changed and he was not the person I wanted him to be. I tried to convince him how amazing I was and that he woudl never find another woman like me to take care of him and put up with this shit. That’snot love, that’s CONTROL and I was sad with myself for giving up on California and moving back for him and what I thought was going to be the most amazing life witht he most amazing man. Oh boy, was I wrong. Finally, in March, after months of arguing a huge fight broke out and I packed my stuff and moved into my dad’s. He asked me to come back but I wouldn’t. I said we needed couples therapy and things to change. He ignored it. Our mutual friends I vented to and that was wrong. I realize that. I did many of the no no’s…
I slept with him a few times
I spoke with him via text and otherwise
I still argued with him
I asked for GIFTS back (like a used couch my dad gave us for our new place, an old of mind laptop I gave him in Aug 2008, etc).
Then 4 days after the last time I slept with im he brough a new girl to a party he knew I was going to attend (that’s 5 weeks after I moved my stuff out…not even 2 months!) That was it for me and I was devastated. I knew right then and there NO CONTACT. I wrote him an eloquent email explaining how so much of my behavior was codependent and I needed to detach. He still called a week later to tell me things “only I would get and undrstand” but I didnt pick up. He somehow found out where I was going for Memorial Day weekend (no idea how…). I thought I was letting go but as soon as our mutual friends reported back on how much they couldnt STAND his new girlfriend and I flipped…
-I asked for GIFTS back (like a used couch my dad gave us for our new place, an old of mind laptop I gave him in Aug 2008, etc).
-I texted him that I was dissappointed that he woudl pick someone so low class to be with and told him I was disgusted.
I did those things and they were wrong. But you know what? there is no taking those things back. I make peace with myself and realize they were stupid things to have done and immature and seeking reaction. But what done is done. Now is time to grieve, take inventories, journal, therapy and move forward. And I will do that. We all will –
It just takes that intangible 6th dimension – time…AND EFFORT!
Oh and to add…its been 15 days NC. He has not reached our or responded or texted since my last text about his new Girlfriend. I was so hurt he moved on so fast…but you know what? It DOESNT MATTER.
This is not about him…this time is totally about ME!
what if i’m not wonderful.
he was the one who knew me best and he left after 10 years.
i agree, that it doesn’t matter if they miss you, because mine told me sometimes he misses me a lot and it hurts…and? he is still gone, still seeing someone else, still moving on without me.
yes it takes two, but i see my low self esteem and low self confidence played a huge part. and now he’s gone, my life as i knew it is gone. and i don’t like what’s left…loneliness, feeling so alone. the phone doesn’t ring and he’s out with friends probably every night. yes, that is my fault, that i didn’t recognise and do something about my issues sooner. i wish he would have hung in with me, to see the changes I’m making.
i hope my self esteem and confidence improves.
Lisa: have you read the book? started working on the affirmations?
Water seeks its own level. If he was with you and you had no self-esteem, he had issues too.
No one can wreck a relationship with low self-esteem and low self-confidence all by themselves. It takes two. He had to make changes too and you’re taking all the responsibility for it. You’re blaming everything on you and feeling sorry for yourself. This must stop if you’re going to get anywhere. You have to move on.
Get outside and DO SOMETHING. Go to a CODA meeting, join a meetup group, find some hobbies and interests and new people.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
that is where the self esteem issues come into play..meeting new people
Lisa -
Go onto amazon and buy yourself the self esteem workbook and work through it. If you keep telling yourself “I can’t meet new people because I have low self esteem” you will stay that way. Conversely if you tell yourself, I want to feel better, you will. You need to work on building yourself up. No one else is going to come along and pull you up out of this! People don’t just snap their fingers and have self esteem or confidence, it takes work. You have to do this for yourself. Make changes for you, not for him to see. Make your life better, make yourself happy. Stop waiting for somone or something else to fill the emptiness. I’ve been exactly where you are trust me. But I don’t want to stay there, so i’m doing anything and everything in my power to change. I know that you can do the same! Big Hugs!
Hi everyone,
This is my first time to this site. I came across it as i searched the internet for advice on getting over a breakup. I can’t believe I did not see this sooner! A brief history..I dated this guy for six months. We spent almost everyday together. I helped him with his two boys, dinner, laundry, cleaning i basically stepped into his life when he needed me the most. I loved the fact that I felt needed and most of all i was part of a family. I can not have children of my own for medical reasons. He told me he loved me after the first few weeks and I too chose to ignore that flag. Our relationship was pretty good while it lasted.. it was the break up that was horrible. He decided to dump me before the summer so he could have plenty of time to date. I discovered he searched myspace and started talking to a girl he knew in highschool 15 years ago before we broke up. Basically he secured himself knowning this girl had just recently broke up with her bf to take the chance to dump me and take his chance on a women he has always thought about. He has been married twice and I helped him wrap up his second divorce. I know that was a red flag! He would say to me that I was a wonderful person and he was soo happy to have me in his life. When we broke up he told me he acted the part thinking he would truely love me but he couldnt. He wanted more but couldnt let me go because his boys were attached to me. I too was thinking I wonder if he will miss me when his boys are back for the school year and he is struggling to find enough time to get everything done as a single father. Now I understand it doesnt matter! I still hurt because it hasnt even been a month since our breakup and two weeks later he was already dating this girl. I have had plenty of time to think this situation over and over and have noticed he was not really healthy for me. He consumed my time, my energy..I gave him everything I could including my heart and soul. He on the other hand had me on a emotinal rollercoaster pulling away then appologizing, started putting me down on personal stuff..I just cant believe I stayed with someone like that! I tried to leave twice and twice I came back. I miss him terribly but am moving forward as best I can. It was a relief to know that if I am still on an emotional rollercoaster is because this is part of the grieving. I have been NC for a week now and its the hardest thing for me. Ive deleted everything that reminds me of him including pics and tossed everything he has ever given me. He still has me on his messengers. He still has my pictures on his facebook and myspace. I have not looked but know he hasnt deleted them because he told me he is going to keep those up until he finds it appropriate to delete them..that they are his memories. My therapist thinks he will contact me again someday since he has had a pattern of looking up women from his past before. I know what I have to do if and when this day comes. Ignore the contact and not respond. I’m left feeling empty, hurt, sad and angry that he can easily replace me just like that. I can’t let that part go. Any advice on how I can get him out of my mind. I am very spiritual and God has helped me through this. I know that door was closed to open a new one but I cant stop thinking of him. Help!
Welcome. You might want to repost on the Checkin or Intro Thread. Welcome!!!
Lynn, sorry to hear about this moron treating you badly! Just thought I would mention, there are LOTS of nlp strategies for getting rid of memories that keep haunting you (summon up the images you want to get rid of or tone down, make them dimmer and darker and push them away and put them back on a shelf in your mind, etc etc). They work pretty well, I have used quite a few to get rid of intrusive thoughts about exes. Also the idea of remembering 5 REALLY nasty unsentimental things about this guy and flashing from one to the next in your mind for a few minutes – tends to work quite nicely.
But apart from these mind games (that happen to be quite effective), there’s the other idea of just letting those thoughts come up, thank your mind for trying to protect you, and don’t pay them much attention. It’s so NATURAL for your mind to try to protect you in this way and work everything out, but ruminating over this stuff will drive you nuts and doesn’t help you. So let it be background noise – but make solid plans to do new things and make changes in your life so that things move on. Eventually that background noise will just look really out of place with the new furniture (the details) of your new life.
I find this technique works best of all. Because I don’t have to pretend that zapping them with NLP techniques works all the time (it doesn’t) or that I never think of them (I do). But just letting that run idly in the background while I concentrate on my new life – that works fine. Give yourself credit for being a sensitive caring person that wants and needs to think this stuff through – but don’t pay it too much mind. Doesn’t get you anywhere. Thank your mind for caring (in a non-sarcastic way), but continue with making real plans in your new life. The further you go the more you will just see those thoughts as being from the past – and you will gently let them go.
TangoLola