Note: I hate to put this here but since this is the most popular post on GPYP and has been lifted on several websites. I pour my heart and soul into this blog and I have to post this.
This is an original GPYP posting authored and copyrighted by Susan J. Elliott, Esq. The expression “Reject the rejector” is an original GPYP quote and the trademark application is pending. If you use this expression without crediting, it is a trademark violation.
If you take significant portions of this post, it is plagiarism. If you rewrite it in your words but still follow the same outline and sentiment it is PLAGIARISM.
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It’s hard but it happens.
And it hurts.
You love someone who may have loved you once upon a time.
Or
You love someone who acted like there was a possibility of love in return, but now there’s not.
Or
You love someone who simply doesn’t feel the same way and isn’t going to feel the same way.
Ever.
Or
You loved someone deeply who loved you deeply and then this person just switched off and hurt you in ways that were unimaginable at the height of your mutual love.
Or
This person loved you and you loved them and then someone new came along and they left. Friends tell you that you are better than this new person in every way. But your ex is still with Mr. or Ms. New Thing.
Whatever the situation, you’re left with a big pile of hurt. And it really hurts.
You go over your exchanges over and over in your mind. Where did it go wrong or fail to go right? What should you have done that you didn’t? What did you do that you shouldn’t have?
You feel rejected and less than. You feel as if there is something really wrong with you. You wonder what you could do to MAKE this person want you.
It’s frustrating if they are with a new person who doesn’t come close to being what you are. You seethe because this new person is a snake in the grass and your ex doesn’t see it. This new person is immature or unavailable or spoiled or just plain stupid. And your ex is enthralled none the less. What?
Or there is no one else and nothing else. This person just fell out of love one day. Or failed to fall in love on the day you did. That’s even more baffling. Wait. You’re choosing NOTHING over me? What?
Or your ex has spiraled into some other mindset. They’re depressed or upset or self-absorbed in some way. Wouldn’t you want someone to help carry the burden, you ask.
The answer is please leave me alone.
You’re freaking out. How is it that they want you to help by going away? WHAT?
The first emotion is disbelief. How can this be? How did I get here? How am I hurting over this person? Maybe your personality is draining away…you used to be fun and helpful and have a great sense of humor. Now you’re plain and dull and you’re boring all your friends with your sad refrain of unrequited love.
Part of you refuses to believe it. It CAN’T be so. Something will change. This is a phase. This is temporary. I’ll just sit here and wait for my love to smarten up and see the light. That is what I will do.
Better yet, I will change things. I will call him or her or text him or her. We will get into a big emotional conversation and I will persuade them that this is all wrong.
In the beginning it’s hardest to NOT do anything. You’re having trouble absorbing the news and the reality and before you feel the feelings of that reality you’re going to do your damndest to make it different or refuse to believe it.
Take your time but believe it. Let it slowly sink in and try to do the hardest thing there is to do: Nothing. Doing nothing in a situation like this takes energy. It takes a lot of energy. You will think you spend all your time NOT doing something. And that’s because you are.
Next come the feelings. You feel hurt, anger, betrayal. You feel rejected and less than. Your self-esteem is taking a hit from the feeling of rejection.
You might feel like a loser and begin to wonder how you can turn yourself into the person that this person will love.
Your mind may race with ideas. I’ll be quieter, thinner, happier. I won’t complain so much. I won’t rock the boat. I’ll like the insufferable family and friends that I couldn’t stand. I’ll go back to school. I’ll stop going to school. I’ll wear different clothes. I’ll buy a new car. I’ll get those allergy shots so I can be around that cat. I’ll work in a different industry. I’ll muzzle my kids. I’ll clean more. I’ll clean less. I’ll cook gourmet meals. I’ll listen when spoken to. I’ll go to bed earlier. I’ll go to bed later. I’ll go to church. I’ll stop going to church. I’ll pray. I’ll bargain with God. I’ll help the poor. I’ll devote myself to the eradication of world hunger. I’ll give my next paycheck to the church. I’ll join the Peace Corps. I’ll do anything, ANYTHING, if only You make this person come back. I’ll be everything You want me to be or everything this person wants me to be. I’ll do it all. I’ll do nothing. I’ll be more. I’ll be less. I’ll be everything and anything other than what I’m being right now. I’ll turn myself inside out to be the person he or she will love. I can do it. I will do it.
STOP.
Stop right there. Forget about changing for someone else. Forget about bargaining for what you should have without bribing whatever deity you believe in. Forget about changing your whole life just so this narrow-minded little bonehead will love you. FORGET IT.
Every relationship is a learning experience. We learn what parts of us could use improvement. But not because this person found them unattractive or irritating but because YOU found them unattractive or irritating.
What did you do in this relationship or around this person (if you weren’t in a relationship) that could improve? Think about it. Journal about it. Think about ways to change it. But DON’T change things in yourself just because this person didn’t like it. Maybe this person has no taste or doesn’t know a thing. Don’t think of changing for another person. Only change for you. It’s OKAY to accept someone’s constructive criticism if it’s spot on and will help you in the end, but if not, just REJECT IT.
When you are leaving a relationship where someone doesn’t love you anymore or failing to move further in a relationship because someone won’t or can’t love you or not getting into a relationship because someone isn’t attracted to you, there is a HIT to the self-esteem. It’s a rejection no matter how you slice it. And it’s a rejection that stings.
The first thing you need to do is to take it in stride. Easier said that done? Yes. Everything is easier said than done so that phrase is meaningless.
Taking it in stride means telling yourself that you are okay no matter what. Yes, there might be things that need improvement but it is a lovable, worthwhile person who is willing to look at those things and change them. And if this person does not value all that you are and all that you can be there is only one sentiment to go in that direction: THE HELL WITH THEM.
Seriously.
It is time to REJECT THE REJECTER. And his or her ridiculous standards of measurement. Perhaps this person doesn’t know what he or she is losing. Perhaps this person has NO IDEA how worthwhile you are and what value you can add to their life.
That is their problem, not yours. You don’t want anyone who doesn’t think you are the end-all, be-all of lovers. You just don’t want them. They are stuck in some goopy substance that does not allow them to move off their position and see how great you are. That is their problem and their loss.
You have to see that the rejecter should be rejected. Do you want someone without vision? Without appreciation of all that you are and all that you can be? No, you do not. You want someone who loves you and thinks you are the best thing that ever happened to them. If this person doesn’t get that, then the hell with this person.
Stop talking to him or her. Stop trying to convince them otherwise. Stop waitng around for him or her to “get it.” The hell with anyone who doesn’t get it.
Or another possibility is that this person does recognize your value and how great you are but they are not in a place where they can be in a relationship. Maybe they’re not over their previous relationship. Maybe their life choices (home, job, school) are up in the air. Maybe it’s not about you in any way. It still hurts but this is something you can’t change. Even if you think that if the shoe was on the other foot YOU wouldn’t let such a catch get away, it doesn’t work that way for everyone. Some people simply can’t get there from here. Let them be. It’s not the right time and there is nothing you can do about it. Gently let it go. It’s hard and it hurts but gently let it go.
The bottom line is that you do not want someone who does not want you. That hurts and that stings. And that is not what love is all about. Don’t sit around waiting for this person to want you. Reject anyone who doesn’t want you. They are not worth it. The first prerequisite for love is to be mutual. Otherwise it’s not okay. Reject the rejecter.
Stephen Levine once said, “The road is hard. Love softens it.”
Requited love, mutual love, real love softens it.
And until that love comes from a romantic partner who values you and sees how wonderful you are, get that love from family, friends and YOURSELF. You MUST be good to yourself as you move on from someone who does not value you enough to want an exclusive, romantic relationship with you.
Because who knows what (or who) you are missing as you roll around in the mud with this numbskull. Get on with your life and become the person you always wanted to be.
GET READY for true love, real love, lasting love. Get ready for a relationship with yourself and THEN a relationship with a loving and appreciative person who WILL come into your life once you learn to value YOU. And you start valuing you by rejecting the rejection and the rejecter. The hell with it.
Be good to yourself. Today and always. In a relationship or out of a relationship. Be good to you.
Do your affirmations.
Tell yourself that mr. or ms. right is OUT THERE and he or she will value you for the person you are. In the meantime work on whatever needs working on. Have your feelings…let them out…write about them, talk about them but allow yourself the feelings. Don’t contact this person who does not value you. Be grateful it did not go any further. Be glad you are letting go of someone who doesn’t value you. Their presence will not soften the hard road. Their presence will just make things harder and THAT IS NOT WHAT WE WANT IN A PARTNER.
In a partner we want someone to share life’s sorrows and joys. We want someone who is there day in and day out. If this person can’t handle us without a big problem in our lives, why would we think they could handle it? They can’t.
Let them go and hold on and hold out for someone who loves you for you. There IS that person out there. Mr. or Ms. Right will never question your value. Will never not love you unconditionally. If this person has rejected you in some way, he or she is NOT the one for you.
You might think this person is perfect in every way. No this person is not. Because this person doesn’t WANT you and the person who is perfect will want you. Not wanting you and not appreciating you and the value you bring to someone’s life is NOT a little thing. It’s a big thing. And if this person doesn’t love you and doesn’t want you and doesn’t appreciate you, then they are not perfect and their flaw is a fatal flaw and you need to reject the rejecter. You must.
If you’re trying to “win” in some way, ask yourself why? Does this go back to childhood? Are you trying to win over a cold and rejecting parent or caretaker? Are you trying to prove your self-worth by showing the world that someone else wants you?
Don’t.
Journal about the things you are trying to “win” over. Journal about how locked into this struggle you are. Is it really about this person and this period in time or does it go way way way back? Stop re-injuring yourself. Reject this rejecter and every rejecter that came before. Do your affirmations. Know that you are worth it. The hell with all the rejecters.
Even if you love this person, this person does not love you….and the person for you will love you. Deeply and Completely.
It exists.
It happens.
It is possible.
In the meantime you MUST MUST MUST be good to you and know your value and understand your value and get your value from inside you and not outside.
Be good to you.
Move on from rejection. Feel your feelings. Reject the rejecter.
Celebrate the you that is you.
And know that the right person for you is out there.
Peace,
Susan
Click here to go to the Getting Past Your Breakup book website
Some days I read this site and I think Susan, you are spying on me because you always seem to write something that descibes me perfectly. Almost everything you said at the start of this post is what I have been going through these past few days, including this fantasy I have that I will run into my ex and somehow manage to convince her to come back to me if I could just talk to her and about my constant whining to my friends about my still burning heart for my ex who has already moved on to someone else..
I know I need to move on and I will eventually get there. Thanks Susan for another great post. You will never know how much this website has helped me since I broke up.
Susan -
First of all – you are WONDERFUL. I have never posted a comment on your blog, but I have read all the articles you have posted here. I am very grateful that I found your website and know that I have grown a LOT from your words of wisdom.
This article was the extra push I needed to decide to move on. I’m glad I read it right before the end of the year because it will allow me to start the New Year in a very positive note.
I have a few questions for you:
1. Can you really “forget” a romantic love? In other words, will I ever be able to look at my ex and feel completely indifferent as if I were staring at a tree?
2. Is it possible to stop the “in love feelings” for the ex if you haven’t met someone new yet? Or do you REALLY get over a romantic love only after you have replaced it with another romantic love?
3. I have been seeing a therapist for the past year and have been doing all the right things to move on (work on myself, read, talk to friends and relatives, embrace the pain, etc). However, I still think of my ex and miss him. What can I do to stop thinking about him or let it not affect me?
Thank you so much for your time and for being here for us.
LFG
I love this post, Susan. I used to think I was stubborn when I let go of relationships that weren’t working, with people who did not value me enough or at all. A few times I held on too long, trying to figure out what I could do differently to make things work. Other times, I walked away pretty early, at the early signs that the person did not appreciate me for me. But in every case, I did leave and I did go NC and stay NC. Only once did I leave the door ajar for friendship, but not for several months and only because it was a RARE case where we loved each other more as platonic friends from the beginning and were both mature enough to have a light friendship after a period of NC. Because I believed I was “stubborn” (I grew up being told that by my caretakers and it was never with a positive connotation), I believed every firm boundary I ever had was about me being inflexible and stubborn for the wrong reasons or in a selfish, unhealthy way. Not true. This year I’ve been able to look back on many choices I’ve made in my adult life (and even as a child) and credit myself for those times when I knew to protect myself (eventually, if not right away) and say “no” or “no more.” I loved myself enough to not let unworthy people in or back in. This post in particular validates my healthy boundaries as just that, and not some stubborn inflexibility that cuts people off for selfish, childish reasons. Those boundaries were not some childish reaction to the world, they were the wise adult inside trying to parent the child within. I’m grateful for them now. Without them, I would not have experienced the unconditional love that I have in my life today. If I had kept trying to “win” with any one of those people who were wrong for me, Stephen Levine’s quote, “The road is hard. Love softens it.”, would not speak to me. But it does. The love I knew before made my road bumpier, more anxious, more stressful. My road has been pretty hard this year with divorce and serious illness in my extended family, but love–unconditional, supportive, mature love–has softened it. The love came (and continues to come) first from me. With that I’ve found that my chooser (as you say) functions properly, my relationships/friendships are defined by unconditional love and support, and in all of the difficulties and challenges and responsibilities of life, there is incredible peace. I am happy. And I’ve CHOSEN this. I could have chosen something else this year. I could choose something else at anytime, but now that I know another way, I can’t imagine living as I did before. Each day I find courage to be real with myself and proactive about issues I’ve carried with me for too long or, some days, to simply relax, reflect, and let my old nemesis anxiety drift away. This change in life direction for me was prompted by a terrible breakup and began the minute I believed, really believed down in my bones with the help of a fantastic therapist and YOU, that I must let go of someone (and by extension, ALL of the someones) who rejected all or important parts of me. It happened when I really understood deep down that all change–theirs and mine–comes from within, and real love is about loving and accepting ourselves and others as we are right now, unconditionally. Unconditional love is amazing and I’m glad to finally know it.
Kathy
Susan,
My ex girfriend ended our relationship 6 months ago. It was a shock to me. I loved her deeply and was very attached to her. We were together for 6 years. I went through all the usual things. I was in denial, I begged, pleaded and bargined. I tried being friends thinking that I would keep her in my life until she changes her mind. That hurt more. I went no contact but could not keep it up. Then one day a few weeks ago I asked her point blank “Do you even love me”? Without hesitation she said “No I don’t”. That was it for me. I was holding out in the hope that she would change her mind because I felt that she really did love me but was confused. I told her that was a deal breaker.
Whenever I start thinking of calling or seeing her my mind always comes back to her response to my question, “No I don’t”. Without mutual love there was really nowhere to go. I am still sad and still have down days, but I am looking forward to a life with someone that will love me as much as I will love them.
Your post really hit home……
Thank you
Jim
Hi Susan,
Please advise.
I have been with my boyfriend for 6+years and last year we purchased our first home. We got together in our early twenties so there was no rush to getting married but it was discussed extensively. He actually initiated the wedding plans after a couple of months of dating. I said no due to the fact that we were only 21. I didn’ t want him to get caught up in the moment of us being together ( backtrack: we have known one another since highschool. We were friends and I had a crush on him. I told him senior year and left for an out of state school – we reconnected after I graduated and headed back to my hometown and that’s when we started dating) and rush into things. So, we focused on school and our careers and then moved into an apartment together. He gave me a ring 18 mths later and started talking about marriage again. Since we were more mature and our careers we taking off, I thought it was a good time to get married. We communicated what we wanted out of our relationship and what we wanted in the future for our individual selves. Another year goes by due to work scheduling . Year 5 of the relationship comes around and we are thinking about moving out of our apt. He states let’s get a house. I mentioned that we should have a wedding date within a year after purchasing a home . He is fine with that. We begin to look for a home and purchase one in late 06. In early 07 he brings up that he wants to set a wedding date and let’’s pick the fall of 07. So I begin to start the wedding process ( buying the dress, looking at locations etc…) Summer 07 he wants to postpone the wedding. I got a new job in the summer of 07 which had me travel for a month in the fall. He still doesn’t explain why he is postponing the wedding for the whole summer- he only says ‘ I don’t know why I feel like this isnt right’. The Fall comes along and while I travel for work, he is talking to co-workers on why he is feeling this way. I come back from my travels and he has no explanation for me about whether he wants to still get married or not. We breakup since he cant explain why.I asked him to be honest from the beginning of the breakup since we have this house about when he starts dating because I don’t want people coming to the house and he agreed. While I was gone for that month, during his talks to coworkers he talks to a female coworker about our situation and now he has feelings for her (I find this out 3mths after the breakup). He continued to lie about why he broke up with me and whether he was seeing someone for 3 mths until I found evidence that he was dating someone and then he confessed about that he had feeling for someone during my travels while we were still together.He lies to me about his new feelings for a new female and how he is not ‘ in love with me’ ( because it would hurt me). So now 3 mths later I am confused because when I would come home, he would get emotional, tell me that he loves me, cry acting like his heart was breaking but, the night I would leave for work, he would take out his new girlfriend.
Now we have this house and for the past 3months he has been lying and now supposedly the whole truth has come out. With him dating someone and with him telling me that he has ‘feelings’ for her, ‘it feels right’ -He has clearly moved on. I get that. I know this is not a healthy situation since everytime I come home, I learn more and more about this break up and I return to all the stages of grief with the new info. I asked him not to talk about it anymore but I feel like he is just selfish and is purging what is heavy in his heart since he was found out.
How do one deal with the NC policy and their own moving on process when you are under the same roof with an ex who is clearly thinking of himself and moved on?
PS My new job has me traveling every 3 wks so I am not home all the time.
Kathy,
You sound like you are at a place I would like to get to. Other than a therapist, what other mechanisms have you used to get through your breakup?
Susan–another great post. My answer is this. I’m not sure how religious people on this board are, but this is what I do. While most of my rejections have been career-related and related to friends and family, what I often tell myself is this:
For whatever reason it’s God’s will. I may not today–I may not even know ten years from now–but this is God’s will. This is how things are today. While they may be different tomorrow or ten from now, this is how they are today. What I do is pray to God and ask Him for the strength to accept His will and for me to find what is appropriate for me at this given point in time–even if it is not what I want for myself.
I know what it is like to be rejected by an organization, employer, friend, or even would-be significant other. At least as far as I am concerned the real test is supporting that person. That is, if I truly love that other person, I’ll want them to be happy. And if being with that other person makes them happy, as hard as it is for me, then I will support them. For love is more than sex or being with someone. It’s about wanting the best for the other person. So, while if you can’t be with that person, you should wish the best for them.
But those are my thoughts.
James, thank you so much for your comment. I’m glad this was helpful to you! Trust the process…you WILL get there. Keep sharing and be good to James!
LFG: Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing this website with others. I’m glad you found help here.
I don’t know if you EVER look at an ex like he or she was a tree but it is possible to look at an ex and go, “What was I thinking???” Seriously. I look at some of my exes and while I understand why I was there in the first place, other times I’m thinking I was completely mental.
It not only is POSSIBLE to get over the “in love” feelings before you meet someone new but that is the HEALTHIEST state. Being out of love completely and into your own life and your own interests when someone new comes along gives you the BEST chance for success at a new relationship. Don’t try to find someone else to stop the “in love” feelings. It doesn’t work like that…it just sets you up for serial rebound relationships and you don’t want that!
I don’t know if your therapist has suggested journaling but journaling or writing letters that you DO NOT SEND goes a long way to processing the feelings and the times you miss him. Other than that, trust the process and know that it works. And be good to you in the meantime!
I’m SO glad you posted and that you are here!! You CAN do this and you WILL get over it!!
Kathy: Thanks as always. You have come so far so fast. I think that some of us have lightbulb “ah ha” moments where it all just makes sense. I think you’ve had yours in the past year and I’m glad you’re here and sharing with others. Thanks much.
Jim: THAT’S IT!!! You will still be sad and have down days but the future looks bright…you ARE getting over it and preparing yourself for someone special who will truly appreciate you…and believe me SHE is out there! Keep being good to Jim and it will happen!
WorkingOnIt: Do you have plans to sell the house? Is there anyway to separate while its being sold? My suggestion to you would be to see a lawyer. It’s probably all very black and white contractual law but there should be some way that you and your ex can come to terms with new living arrangements and financial arrangements. I’ve done the living under the same roof after it’s over and it’s SO HARD.
First of all, speak to a lawyer. Second of all, tell the ex that you do not want to have any conversations unless it has to do with disposal of the house or future living arrangements. SET FIRM BOUNDARIES around hearing about new girlfriends or anything, really. You have to be the one to shut if off. Let us know how it’s going. It’s TOUGH to still be under the same roof! Take care of YOU.
Oceanblaze: thanks for your thoughts. I have been able to wish some of my exes happiness but others I’ve been not so gracious. I think that anger has something to do with it. But I believe that if it’s right, it’s right. Whether that is “meant to be” or not, it’s the same sentiment.
Too many try to fit a square peg into a round hole and it doesn’t work. Sometimes we just don’t want to “go back out there” looking for THE ONE. But if we just live our lives and do our best for ourselves, everything else will take care of itself. Thanks for sharing! I love your perspective!
When will you be on Oprah? :)
This is a brilliant post. I don’t know if it’s the time of year, or having too much time on my hands, or being alone all week, but this is exactly what I needed to hear today. You actually made me cry (though today that’s no great feat). It’s been a bad day. I’ve done nothing but wonder why I’m here, what’s the point, and why am I bothering. I’m so miserable right now.
This hasn’t been one of my better days to fight off my feelings about the loss of my best friendship. Part of the problem is, since he and I became best friends, most of my other friends have dropped away or been excluded from the “inner circle” (like I said before, I’m really a one-person person) — with his encouragement to let them go, I might add. I think he really liked the idea that I belonged to him exclusively. It gave him a sense of power, which he likes. He encouraged me to drop all other projects. I turned down roles in other shows that were directed by other people, because he told me he felt they weren’t good enough for me. So, now the problem becomes, I’m all alone and facing this rejection pretty much without any positive influence. This website has been a tremendous help in that regard.
All I seem to do since the breakup is relive our moments together, mostly our fights, and wonder how the hell it all could have careened so terribly off course. I try to fix things by making nice all the time and trying to forgive and forget. He’s been going along with it — which I think is unhealthy. I sometimes think it would be better for me if he would just have the courage to say, “buzz off”. I blame myself. I blame him. I seethe as I blame his “other” friend who has tried so hard to wedge herself between us.
I fantasize about having a big confrontation with him where I tell him all the times he hurt me, in the hope that he will finally see the extent to which he is culpable. Then I think to myself, “What will this accomplish?” — and the answer is, “nothing”. While I think I get to unload all this poison I’m carrying around, all I’d really be doing by confronting him is recirculating all this bad energy. In the end, he’ll just get defensive and angry, and I’ll get blamed for acting like a loon.
Yet, even knowing logically that I simply need to let it all go and move forward, even though I intellectualize that I need to live in the present and create a new future, I’m having a hard time letting go of that negative energy. It turns inwards. I see no hope. It’s like living in a prison of my own construction. I’m trying to treat my body better by getting out walking, taking better care of myself, meeting people, but in my mind, all I hear is “blah blah blah”. I obsess over when I’m going to see my friend again, what I’m going to say, where we will be in a month, in six months, in a year — whether I let go or not. Will he be with new people? Will I still be stuck in a rut? Moreover, I wonder if he will tell people that I was a bad, horrible person for some imagined wrong that may be at the heart of where it all went wrong — and I don’t even know. Then the whole process recirculates back to obsessing over why it all went wrong until I go to sleep again and start the process all over again the next day.
The good news is, I don’t think about it as often as I was. It’s like the saying goes of “one day at a time” though sometimes it’s one hour at a time. I try to distract myself and stay busy even with small things (like going for a walk). It helps, but it’s not conquering as I’d hoped.
Anyway, this is my very long way of saying thank you for this post and for giving hope to those of us feeling hopeless today. It has really helped me through a very dark day.
Thank you Susan!
I have asked him to leave. I have learned a lot about the person my ex is currently or ‘really’ is. When we broke up, he mentioned that he needs time to think about him and I can see that. If he thought of me, he would of left once he decided to end the relationship since he knew he was going to start dating someone else.
I am trying to be civil and mature during this breakup since we live under the same roof. When I asked him to leave, he becomes child-like and states ‘I taking this and this …’ ‘If I don’t live here – why do I have to pay for X Y Z? (my answer to him is because that was the existing financial arrangement) ‘ He also had the nerve to tell me ‘I should recognize how lucky I am that he is still paying his share of the bills’. Like he is threatening me. I don’t know why he stated that since he still lives here! He shows no remorse on how he handled this break up and the awful timing (my new job with traveling and other personal issues that came up this year).
It is very weird because he doesn’t see anything wrong with us sharing the same roof! It is unnerving that he thinks it is ok to be in a relationship with someone else and come home and his ex. On top of that, he also attempts to be friends with me ( he will make breakfast, bought me a Christmas present etc…) I told him that I need space and being friends is not an option and with the deceit may not be a possibility at all! If he wants to move on, move on – stop trying to be buddy with me while you are already professing your love and talking about marriage and children with another female two months later! It shouldn’t matter to me but, he stated that he doesn’t want the single life because it’s ’single’. So.. basically you are with the new girl because you don’t want to be alone and you are already talking about a life and love with her ? To be honest, I think he is mentally and emotionally unstable.
About the house:
I have consulted a real estate attorney.
I have been tossing and turning on the selling of the house. I have been looking for alternatives to keeping the house ( changing the deed, finding addtl financial help to pay the mtg etc…) because a part of me is saying ‘ why do I have to lose my home in addition to the idea of the future I was going to have?’ I feel so up in the air because I have lost that sense of ‘home’ – this new job has me traveling and living out of suitcases and now when I get ‘home’ I now have to sell it? It is all so emotionally draining.I don’t feel that I can officially move on while we are still connected with this house. Therefore… as much as it hurts – I will accept the fact that I have to sell my home. Writing this is breaking my heart all over again. What makes this worse is that he smirked when I brought up selling the house because now it is not just him having to move out – I will have to start new as well. That child-like attitude is so disgusting to me. I look back and say ‘ I wanted to spend my life with you!’ I guess it is a blessing that I learned this before marriage and kids:)
I know that I will survive this and I am very aware of my feelings. I have been journaling and talking with my support systems as much as possible. I cry when I feel like and try to go through the emotions as much as possible. I have been writing lists on what I love about myself and what I want to do with the addtl time I have on my hands. It is very scary but in the grateful moments, I am excited about what the future holds. When I love, I love completely. And with the end of this relationship, I feel that in the future, I have the chance to love again and with someone who will love me as deeply and truly as I love them.
Thank you for reading … all comments are appreciated :)
madmargaret
I totally know what you are feeling. I tried to take it day by day but some days it is like you said a ‘hour by hour’ moment. I try to be ‘graceful’ during my ‘low’ energy days and ‘grateful’ during my ‘high’ energy days.
Give yourself credit when you complete little things like taking a walk. You are doing something good for you! When I take a walk or go out to a film on my own, I tell myself – good for you. I could have just stayed home or in bed, but instead you did something constructive for yourself.
This is tough, be gentle with you.
Peace and Blessings
Working on it: It IS a good thing that you learned this now before marriage and children, but unfortunately after a house which is sometimes more difficult to extricate yourself from than a marriage.
Learn your lesson, sell the house and move on. If he gives you any grief about selling it or paying the bills while you still have it you might want to consult a general practice attorney and if he stops paying the bills, take him to court for breach of contract.
He sounds like a ridiculous spoiled child. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
You can and will move on and do so much better! Sounds like a blessing in disguise!
Margaret, what he thinks of you is none of your business. And STAY IN TODAY. Put your head where your feet are. Losing a friendship is a tough, tough thing. Losing a best friend is heartbreaking…and the anger is very real and very palatable. Reviewing the relationship is NORMAL but there is a very fine line between review and obsession. Make sure you are taking many breaks and that you are BEING GOOD TO MARGARET during those breaks!
You have to let go of all that negative energy and take the bat out of your hand and stop beating yourself in the head with it! You are a good and worthwhile person and you have to concentrate on that.
And never ever ever let one person influence you to get rid of everyone else. NEVER. I’m sure that is a lesson you have learned. There will be new people.
Be GOOD TO MARGARET!!! The journaling and the allowing of your feelings is GREAT and it’s good that you recognize that you are in process. Trust the process and be positive and one day you will be loved the way that you love.
Completely.
Hang in there!
Susan,
How did you handle living with your ex? How did you deal with him coming and going throughout the house? It is getting tough since my traveling has lessened during the holiday season. Well, the holiday season is tough as is.
Thank you for your words, they are very comforting.
It wasn’t easy, but we did set some ground rules to live by and one was that we didn’t share personal information or flaunt things in each other’s face. We tried to stay away from each other as much as possible and just live as disinterested roommates.
It was hard because I had kids and they liked him a lot and he liked them. He was still involved with the kids when I wasn’t home…he wasn’t the type of person to shirk his responsibilities (he cooked for them on nights when I was in school…we were staying together until I graduated from graduate school which was about 4 months).
We did get into one or two arguments which were kinda stupid and it was a lot of displaced anger both times but overall we tried to act civil and be as responsible as we could toward each other and the financial arrangements. We both took a bath on the finances but he bought me out and eventually he took the bigger bath. I wish I had been able to stay in the house but it was too much for me alone.
While we were together we just set certain ground rules and they worked. When we worked out the financials we did so over email and then had a paralegal draw up the “settlement” contract between us. It’s best when it’s legal as to what is going to happen from here on in.
I’ve been a fan of your blog since my gf broke up with me months ago, after a long, drama filled breakup. I’m not one to usually comment, but I must thank you. I’m a very confident person in general and very self-aware, but your blog and its articles, including the comments from others have helped me move along faster and learn more about myself than I thought was possible!
The biggest favor my ex did was to break up with me. I am a confident person, but it is with that confidence I realized I still have work to do. Dystfunction attracts dysfunctional right? Had I been perfectly secure (like I thought I was), I wouldn’t have put up with the drama of her choosing between me and her best friend (he’d been pining for her for years)…she ended up choosing to try with him, saying that although our relationship was great, she couldn’t live with the regret of not trying with him. She went back and forth on this for 1 1/2 months…and I put up with it (like some commodity)! She also has a lot of other issues, but my point isn’t about her. It doesn’t matter. I have my life together in every other respect – career, personal, family – and for that, I am thankful. I always thought my ex deserved me…I was wrong…I don’t deserve her; I deserve better! What matters is that your articles have made me dig deeper into myself, journal, and work to banish whatever insecurities I still have.
Susann – thank you for being an unknowing guide on my journey – for that, I am grateful.
Mike
Susan,
Love your blog!
Rejection is hard to deal with…and not blaming yourself is even harder. My relationship ended only 2 months ago but with the help of my therapist, your site, journaling and focusing on ME, I have come so far in such a short amount of time. The first thing I wanted to do was blame myself. I did beat myself up daily about what went wrong…how could I have made it work? What should I have done? Why didn’t he love me enough? For me the examination/re-examination of the relationship was the hardest part. I couldn’t let go. I finally wrote down all the pros and cons of the relationship and read over those each day. Even though there were many good things in the relationship the few cons that existed were things that, to me, were deal breakers.
I realized that I had lost so much of ME while in the relationship and it was time to get “myself” back. I decided that I am worth much more – that I deserve to have someone love me completely! Even though my ex insisted that we remain friends I decided to go the no contact route. I think it is just too hard to let go of those “in love” feelings if you still have contact – it is too easy to grasp that little bit of hope.
It is a hard thing to go through – but you have to GO through it to GET through it, and it does get better day by day.
Thank you for your wisdom.
WOW Mike…I LOVE to hear comments like yours! That is so GREAT. I’m so glad that you are on the “other side.” And you are right, you deserve so much more.
Notes like yours bring tears. Writing the blog and the book and doing the classes isn’t easy with my schedule and some days I feel so tired…but it is notes like these (and others) that help me believe that I’m passing on all the great stuff that helped ME when I was down and everything seemed so dark.
Thanks for checking in and letting us all know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am grateful you are here!!!
Peace,
Susan
2LD, thanks for checking in. I love your blog and the pix of your puppies. :)
Thanks for sharing your experience. I think that the NC route makes the “getting over it” easier. Not easy…but easier.
I’m so glad you decided to get YOU back. I know that for me I was discovering me for the FIRST TIME and it was marvelous!
I’m glad you’re here and sharing your TERRIFIC stuff!
Peace,
Susan
Tomorrow, we are going to discuss when he moves out, what he will pay for and the splitting up of items in the house. I am writing everything down and contacting a lawyer to draw up a document – just in case.
I think I am good at detaching to discuss business but, if he does get emotional and child-like and then I am forced to go into mommy-mode and talk softly so that he calms down.
Is that best? I am good when I am alone and dealing with my emotions but, when talking about the business aspect of the break up, depending on the day, it can be difficult.
It sounds like a plan. And try to deal with the financial stuff on your good days or good hours if that is the case. When you are feeling strong. I think that writing down everything is good and if you start to not feel strong or feel like you’re going to be upset, you can end it and pick it up another day.
Tell him that if he can’t calm down then you can contact a lawyer and he can contact a lawyer and the lawyers can hash it out to the tune of thousands of dollars.
Take care of you. The sooner you get the loose financial ends cleared up, the better you will be. Take care of you.
Susan, without your help, I wouldn’t be where I am as quickly. True, I have a great support network of friends/family, but as we both know, the work must be done by me and no one else. You were my guide. It is noble of you to be willing to pass on your wisdom – being only 25, my experiences aren’t numerous and I have less to draw from. We are lucky that you take the time to share, even with your other obligations. :-) If it wasn’t for my ex, I would have never found your website…maybe I should send her a thank you card! lol…NOT…no contact, of course!
On a related note, I’ve realized music to be a most interesting aspect – have you found that it helps show you what point you’re at in the grieving process? When I first got dumped, my ex and I both bawled our eyes out at “Goodbye My Lover” by James Blunt (I admit, before I found your blog, I didn’t think NC was the way to go)…all the lyrics rang true for me. Then, for the next little while on my own, every sad, sappy, breakup song about feeling lost or wanting her back made me feel like crap. I hated listening to music. But now, after journaling, picking up the pieces, and learning from my experience, things are different. I can listen to the same songs, such as “Goodbye My Lover,” and realize that I no longer feel that way anymore. I remember the pain – but that’s the key: it’s a memory now and I no longer feel it same way I did before. Now, I tend to relate to post-breakup songs, empowering ones such as “Over You” by Daughtry and have no problem listening to the sad ones, since I’m no longer in that place. In a strange way, the sad ones make you feel better too, because it reminds you of where you were and the work you’ve done – how you’ve overcome a low point in your life. Your article today was perfectly timed for me – it reiterated the things I know and helped keep things in perspective!
One thing I’d like to share though (wow, this is getting to be a long post) is that for me, this was my first love. The hardest thing was differentiating the relationship from the person – I miss the positive things the relationship had to offer (companionship, comfort, etc.), BUT not specifically her. I know I can find someone more compatible and still have those things. However, when it’s your first love, the mind may know that fact, but it was easy for the heart to associate only your first love with those good times. So here’s my thought for those in the same spot: you miss the relationship, not your ex…in time, that becomes clear! Have faith!
Many thanks,
Mike
WorkingOnIt:
I did a lot of work over the years that helped bring me to this much better place, but in the last year, following a bad breakup, I turned into high gear. Things I did pretty intensely for about 4 months (besides therapy) include, randomly: journaling, affirmations, NC, focusing on my own issues in the relationship and sorting through what was mine to own and what was his, forgiving myself for my own shortcomings and practicing better choices in my non-romantic relationships with other people, writing poetry, writing letters to “him” and NEVER sending them, talking to friends, taking a trip, balancing alone time to cry with together time with others, crying on friends shoulders, finding some volunteer work in the community that was meaningful to me (this came much later, actually, but it was on my list of things to do in my new life w/o the ex and I eventually got to everything), returning to abandoned projects in my professional life that being single gave me time to do, reading A LOT of helpful books (many recommend on this site by Susan)…etc. Therapy was a good choice for me and sped up the process. Allowing myself to dream about all of the things I would like to do in my life that did not have to include a partner and making a list of projects, goals and adventures gave me hope. I walked through the pain. I believed every day what my therapist and Susan and a couple of close friends were saying to me: that it WOULD get better, not just with time, but also with help and support from others and A LOT of love and care for myself. Sometimes I mentally “tucked myself into bed”, as I would a child…I learned to self-soothe. Walking helped here, too. I reminded myself constantly, when it was really painful, that I always had a choice between doing the impulsive thing (immediate gratification of some kind) and the harder, more mature, more dignified thing (putting on my shoes and walking off the stress and pain for that moment, reading and journaling my feelings into a manageable state, calling a friend instead of the ex, etc. I learned to accept my feelings and not judge them and, be extension, to allow them without reacting to them. They do diminish or go away completely when I sit with them without worrying about them or acting on them. When I felt really sorry for myself (as in “I am doomed.” “I am cursed.” “I will never be loved well.”), I held on like crazy to LOGIC. I didn’t want to over-intellectualize the emotional stuff, but at the same time, I didn’t want to get lost in the purely emotional, irrational stuff, either. It’s highly unlikely that any of us will end up “alone” or go the rest of our lives “unloved”. We are all loveable and we do meet new people and enter new relationships. There is no love without risk, but the loss of one love does not mean the end of all love, even though it feels that way after a breakup. We have to learn to be resilient enough to handle the risk–to enter and exit love relationships with courage and self-esteem so we can avoid settling for the wrong relationship just to have one, or to avoid pain altogether by not trying again some day. So those umbrella statements like “I’m cursed” represented an extreme emotional pain, but nothing logical or probable. So logic helped in those moments.
Sorry this isn’t more organized; hope something here is helpful to you! You are going to be ok, and your life will be as great as you want it to be. This one relationship does not define you or your life. It’s a chapter in your book. As you close it, allow yourself to begin dreaming up the next one!
Kathy
Kathy,
Thank you so much! Your insight and kind words have definitely helped me put my situation in perspective and has also given me some pointers that I have not thought of.
I definitely have the high days and low days but overall, I know that all will be well again. Right now, I am just trying to get through day by day – due to the house situation.
I am at a point of learning about me again without ‘us’.
Again, thank you Kathy :)
Mike, thanks for your post! My first H and I were highschool sweethearts and best friends. It was very hard. When we first broke up I could not listen to music. Then as time went on, I remember that he came over the house and was bossing me around, he was a controller and I just said to him, “keep it to yourself, it’s my life.”
A HUGE step for me and I realized that was a Billy Joel song and I went out and got it and played it and other empowering songs all the time! Music was BACK in my life! and it was fabulous!!!
A recent one is Christina Aguliera’s Fighter. That sums up everyone in my past life. :)
Thank You Susan for this Post! I feel like the previous posters about your timing (you don’t have a microphone set up at my home do you?) :) This really got me out of my funk today when I read it and really made me feel better about myself since as you know how much I seem to think it is my fault. You really have a great way of putting things into perspective! I also think this site has been great in getting me past my past! The work on me continues but the hammer is finally being put down and I am forgiving myself FINALLY! thanks!!!!
I’ve read on this site a couple of times, “I go to sleep thinking of him, I wake up thinking of him, I dream of him, and I think of him 99% of the time during the day. This is so true. Right after my break-up, I took on an extra part-time job twice a week, and in this job I had to use a stopwatch while reading (accurately) at a high speed to a room full of adult students. My brain was multitasking and working HARD, and yet it STILL found a place, while I was reading and timing, for sad thoughts to a point where I had to hold back tears!! Give me a break! I used to pray, “God, please get him out of my head. Please just get him out of my head.” That was six months ago. During the past six months, I have grieved even more so than when my father died (which I feel guilty about), but I’m at a very strang place right now. I love the moments where I realize that I haven’t thought about him (or the situation) for a few hours or even half a day. I even had a point yesterday where I actually WANTED to think about it. I went there willingly, and I didn’t cry. I finally, finally see a light at the end of this tunnel. There was no light for a long time. I don’t know what I would have done without this site.
GrowingWings, I am at that place too, and I know it’s taking me way longer than it should to get out of it. I’m not sure what to try to get him out of my head.
GrowingWings:
I remember having the same guilt, except it was about my mother who had passed away not too long ago. I felt bad that for some reason, my breakup felt like it hurt way more, even though before this, I thought watching my mom pass away in front of my eyes at the hospital was the toughest thing I’d ever have to do. I thought “if I got through that, I can get through anything.” Then my breakup came along and I felt worse! It took me some time before I realized that what I felt was normal.
For me, losing my mom was only that – a loss. Getting dumped by my gf was a loss AND rejection. I never had to question my mom’s love for me and what she had done for me. But when you get dumped, you question the whole relationship – whether any of it was real and where it went wrong. So the reason I felt worse was that I was dealing with more different emotions in the breakup. The loss of a parent, in a sad way, is more readily accepted as a cycle of life than being blindsided and dumped.
Just my two cents. :-)
That’s very true. Death is loss. Breakups are loss plus rejection. Excellent point.
Susan
Thanks so much for your wonderful words of wisdom. I have been following them the best I can. I had a burning desire to call my ex but I finally realized my phone isn’t ringing for a reason. It really is hard when you don’t have proper closure. When you think this person cares deeply for you and then all of the sudden it’s done and you didn’t really see it coming. Looking back there were things said but I’d always chalk it up to work pressures and other things. If the mutual love isn’t there no matter how much it hurts you have to walk away with your pride. No one wants a clingy needy person, you have to be happy on your own come and BELIEVE that something spectacular is around the corner! Here’s to 2008 and new beginnings.
hello all…just thought I would drop a quick note to thank Susan for the great advice. Reading through MadMaragret’s piece, I understand that we are not alone in our hurtful world. With that note, I want to wish everyone to be blessed with love, happiness and may the spirits of the world bless all of you with loving and meaningful relationships in the coming year
Wow. Thanks so much for this article Susan. It helped me so much right when I needed it. I have struggled so much with the pain of a rejection this past year. I am slowly getting better and you and your blog are part of the reason why. Thanks again and happy new year.
Lisa Anne
Happy 2008 Susan and welcome to my life..I always believe that things come into our life for a reason..and this is a quote I wrote a couple years ago ”Our Path in life is already chosen for us, we just have to be strong enough to take the Journey”. I believe that the messages that come to us when we open our eyes to them will keep us strong through lifes Journey. I have you added to my favourites, so that I can read this article daily until I can get through. I have been in two long term failed relationships that, looking back I know were because of my jumping in way to quickly and not getting to know the person better. Now I have this opportunity to find real love and again I find myself trying to jump to quickly into a relationship that is only a few months old and as been challenging to say the least. He isn’t the one, I know it because after reading your article I see it. So, my New Year’s resolution is to remember this quote that I just read recently, which of course I know is all about timing…..Never make someone a priority who makes you an option….
madmargaret, I had a very similar problem with the obsessive thinking thing. I was doing something similar- thinking about what could have been changed so that everything wouldn’t have been so horrible. Over. And over and over. Since that stage was so super-miserable for me (every day, almost constant thinking about what happened, the other woman, etc.), maybe one of the strategies I used will help you. One big thing that helped was trying to switch mental modes into plugging into the “moment”. Be where you are doing what you are doing with every sense and your mental focus- notice what you see, what you hear, and the details about those. That will shut your mind up. (I got this from the book, “The Power of Now”.) Another big thing was taking a “time out” from the obsessing, by lying in my bed and imagining how peaceful and nice it would be to be past that- and actually “feeling” that over-the-obsessing feeling. Whew. This kind of break feels wonderful. A third thing was having a really nice topic to think about to switch to- I have a new nephew, and that’s what I used. Last, the journaling helped me pour out a lot of that mental energy that was swirling around- I could really feel the lessening of the obsessive mental energy when I finished a journal entry before I went to bed.
I’ve been stuck on this blog since it was written, reading it several times a day and I haven’t been able to check the new blogs yet. It speaks to me so deeply, and helps give me the boost I need that’s it’s okay, in fact GOOD, to not have the rejector in my life at this time. Thank you
I love the expression “Reject the Rejector” I wrote it down on an index card and pinned it above my computer. I also loved what Melody said about “Never make someone a priority who makes you an option….” words to live by.
I have never posted a comment before, but feel the urge now too. Discovering this blog has been a God send for me. It’s funny how sometimes the thing that you needed the most apprears at the stangest of times and in the stangest of ways.
I will try to condense my “story” to the reader digest version.
My ex husband is VERY intense. Everything he does, he does at 100 miles an hour. We met, courted, sold both of our houses and moved our 5 children into a new house in 11 short months.
Then the trouble started. His 14 year old daughter was diagnosed as Bi-Polar, couldn’t get along with her Mother so came to live with us full time 3 weeks after we were married. She then became violent towards me . Always when no one else was in the home. All the while my husband didn’t want to believe any of it was happening. In fact accused me of “making it up” and suggested that I needed counceling.
The daughter then called her Grandmother and told her she was going to kill me ( I know, sounds like a REALLY bad movie of the week, but true I swear) Anyway, Grandmother calls husband, he goes and picks up daughter, commits her to hospital and comes home and lies to me, telling me that daughter threatened suicide (I should also mention, husband is in Law Enforcement and a City Councelman and tends to leave his gun laying around)
One of his best friends (also in Law Enforcement) calls me and says that he will not lie for husband and tells me the truth.
I make the decison at that moment that if he can’t tell me the truth, he can’t protect me or my children and I need to leave.
He spends the next 3 months totally obsessing, calling at one time a 100 times in one day. Begging to give him another chance.
Drama, drama drama and like an idiot I let him convince me that all our problems were as a result of daughter. I agree to get back together but with the condition that I will only spend time with him when he doesn’t have his 3 kids and when my two are with their Dad. I felt like my kids had already seen too much.
Anyway this works for like two weeks and then the pressure to move back in and remarry starts.
By this time I had bought a house across town and refuse to sell and move in with him (again). After 6 months I again make the decision to end the relationship bacuase I am unwilling to remarry and put my girls and myself in an unhealthy situation.
4 days after I “end” it, he moves his highschool girlfriend into his house. she was in the middle of a divorce and lost temporary custody of her 4 children (ages 2 to 16) due to substance issues and suicide threats. She has since lost all custodial rights.
He then begins calling, texting, coming into my house when I’m not home and looking for me on weekends when Im out with friends.
The girlfriend then begins calling at all hours of the night on my cell and home phone.
The daughter soon follows.
Needless to say its been a very hard year. Our divorce was final Jan 06. But for some reason I always answered the phone etc. But the beginning of December, something just snapped. I’m tired. I had security installed around my house, changed my work, call and home phone numbers as well as block his e-mails.
I began running as an escape and found that I really loved it. I’ve lost alot of weight and found a totally different hairstyle but have come to realize that as much as I was working on the outside I wasn’t doing what I needed to do on the inside. I just wasn’t moving on. I was tending to obsess about him. It’s very easy to find out what he’s doing becasue he’s in the newspaper all the time. I would do my daily google search to see what was going on.
The hardest, most hearbreaking thing is realizing that the person that you loved, thought you would spend your life with and are in the middle of this incredible pain because of has just replaced you, without a backwards glance.
I actually found this website in the oddest of circumstances. My family was in Hawaii for Christmas. I put on my game face for my kids and family but was really not doing very well. My ex husband made that trip with me. He ran the beaches at sunrise, saw every sunset, and every tour with me in my mind. Maybe that was my closure, I don’t know.
On one tour, I googled” deciding to get past your ex” and your website came up. I feel like I have learned so much in the week since then. One of the first things that made that “ahh hahh” moment for me was the phrase “what they think about you is none of your business”
I was really caught up in him knowing how much he hurt me. Who cares? He doesn’t. But you know what? I took back my power. I rejected the rejector.
Whether his rebound relationship works out is also none of my business.
I also follwed your advise and went out New Years Eve when I wasn’t going to. In other words act “as if” so I bought a new dress and went out. Funny thing happened. I had a great time! I was with some great friends and met some new ones. I was even asked out and said no. I wasn’t dating right now. Talk about taking back my power! I realized the next morning that I hadn’t thought about him at all! That was mind blowing for me that I had to think about that he hadn’t crossed my mind all evening!
So much for being brief! I’ll close in saying, Yeah in alot of ways this hurts, it sucks even, but remember it hurts bacause it was real for us and that means we’re not broken.
We’re going thru this because we need to and it will be okay. The days ahead are full of promise and the future is bright.
Thank you for this website. You bring alot of peace to many.
Thank you everyone for being here and stopping by to comment. The comments always keep me positive. I am amazed by your stories and your fortitude to get past your breakups.
Patrick: KEEP THE HAMMER DOWN! And forgive yourself that you didn’t know that you didn’t know. Keep up the good work. Looking forward to meeting you at the march class!
GrowingWings: I’ve heard it said that you can’t hold two thoughts at the same time and I’ve always thought: WRONG! When you are an obsessive thinker (like I am) you can think about the one thing you’re not supposed to be thinking about no matter what you are doing. It takes processing out and hard work to wash that man (or woman) right outta your hair. I’m glad you’re seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Don’t feel guilty about the “amount” of grief for your ex vs your father. Sometimes when we think we are grieving one loss we are actually feeling “loss” and other losses are at play as well. We never usually just grieve one thing. So I’m sure the loss of your father is also involved in the loss of your ex and you’re feeling LOSS in general as well as loss for your ex.
Also, as Mike says, losing a parent is part of the life cycle whereas being blindsided and dumped is not (or shouldn’t be…but for many it becomes one!) and Margaret says it’s loss plus rejection that’s hard. Take care of you and don’t “evaluate” your grief. It is what it is.
Susan, thanks for sharing that! You DO have to believe you’re fine on your own and that something spectacular is around the corner…because you are and it is! Thanks for posting!
Jeff: being alone with a huge hurt is the worst thing ever. No, you are not alone…glad you are here! Thanks for sharing!
Hi Lisa Anne! I’m so glad you’ve been here the past few months. I’ve seen such growth in you. 2008 will be bright for you indeed! As always, thanks for posting.
Melody: thanks for the quote …NEVER make someone a priority who makes you an option. INDEED. One of my last serious relationships was that way. One day I just said to him, “I matter dammit!” and he said, “I never said you didn’t.” and I said, “Oh yes you do…by your ACTIONS.” And it was buh bye.
Serenity: good advice. I used to do relaxation tapes and meditation tapes to stop the obsessive thinking. When I found Stephen Levine, I worked hard at a daily meditation practice but never made it stick. It’s weird though that the guy I was with at the time (93/94) took it up and to this day he still has a daily practice (we touch base once a year around Christmas time and he just told me this recently). Meditation and yoga and relaxation tapes and all of that really calm the mind.
Roxx: Glad you are here! Yes, reject that rejector! Keep on sharing!
MadMargaret that is a GOOD affirmation! Lather, rinse, repeat. ;) Say it early and often.
BrightFuture: thanks for being here. That is some story! I’m glad you are here and sharing. I think you are wise to move on before someone blows your head off and leaves your children without a mother. SHEEESH!! How scary! I’m glad you left it all behind you. You do have bright future. Thanks for sharing.
I love to hear from people who just stumbled upon us. The people who visit here and post are really terrific and I’m very fortunate to share my little digital footprint with so many great people! I am so glad you are all here reading and sharing!
this is my favourite place to come right now,,it lifts me up. I journal every day and it helps so much to read back over every few days to see what I was thinking/feeling. it’s great to have close friends to spew it all out to but sometimes you feel like they are looking at you and thinking what a pathatic woman to want someone who doesn’t make her matter. One thing I do see myself writing and that’s how much I miss him, I shouldn’t be missing him…I should feel his presence even when he isn’t here. Another quote I have found that I need to hold onto is To know that not to be first choice in the eyes of the person (YOU) Love…means you are not a choice at all…
You loved someone deeply who loved you deeply and then this person just swtiched off and hurt you in many ways that were unimaginable at the height of your mutual love. This option applied to me the most, not that you were asking us to choose Susan.
It was difficult to accept that he stopped loving me all of a sudden, that was the reason why it was so difficult to move on. After I have realised that he has checked out of the relationship way before he even decided to dump me and was simply waiting for me to do something stupid to finally have the gall to do it, that was when I thought, how cruel, how rude and how unloving. Sometimes I even think it wasnt love but just the fantasy of love, and sometimes I just dont care anymore.
I share your sentiments about rejecting the rejecter, I was in emotional limbo for quite a long time that it almost killed the best in me, but I am not going to lose this battle because I dont give two hoots if you dont love me anymore. You can roam the earth and look for that love but you wont find it anywhere, youve had your chance and now youve lost it.
Thanks again Susan for this very inspiring post to remind us of the need to be very good to ourselves and put a full stop to what hurts.
Ahhhh…If only I had found GPYP when I was suddenly handed divorce papers by the process server! Unbeknownst to me until that moment, my now former husband wanted a divorce. At that time, the loss of what I thought was love was heartbreaking. The hurt was immeasurable and I had to allow time to work it’s magic. Susan, you described my life (in hell) once upon a time.
Fast Forward: My life has found peace, self-respect, self-love, joy and beauty. Real, amazing beauty. I always thought myself ugly…I was told a thousand times as a redhead I was ugly…carrot-top, matchstick, flame brain…you name it. Well, I found value in my own life, and love for myself EXACTLY AS I AM. I realized I could no longer be bothered with someone who didn’t love me. After all, I was worthy…and I finally saw it for myself. FINALLY. But the gift of desperation was bestowed on me through another gift: divorce papers when I least expected them. In my case, love wasn’t really love and I had no choice but to counter rejection with rejection.
Spoken like a true New Yorker, Susan:
Forget about changing your whole life just so this narrow-minded little bonehead will love you. Because who knows what (or who) you are missing as you roll around in the mud with this numbskull.
How accurate. I can’t wait for your New York seminar!
Simone,
I identify with what you say about the “suddenness” of it all. In retrospect, I can see that my ex was falling out of love and didn’t have the guts to tell me ON ANY LEVEL that his feelings were changing. (He acted pretty darn content and never brought up any issues of concern.) It happened suddenly. He was waiting for me to push him there (to the breakup). I didn’t see it coming. I had been honest with him about my own changing feelings, but I was still WORKING on things and I thought he wanted to, too. It wasn’t worth my energy, I see now, but at the time, I would have appreciated a man with a spine who could stand up on any given day and tell me what he REALLY felt and thought and wanted. So frustrating. So painful. He just went from being passive to one day being a total JERK (verbally aggressive). I pushed him into explaining himself and he did NOT like it. He was so uncomfortable with direct communication about his feelings–ESPECIALLY anger–that he shut down again. That’s when I asked him if he wanted out of the relationship. His answer stunned me: “Yes, I think so.” My first thought was “You’re kidding, right?” Without any help for me to know that he was going from point A to point B. I’m sure he didn’t see it coming himself, but the point is that he would never have seen any of his true feelings coming because he was in denial about them. He was the most emotionally dishonest person I’ve ever dated. It was a terrible way to breakup. But oh boy did I learn a lot about myself and about real love in the months that followed…
At the risk of over-generalizing, many men do have more trouble identifying and talking about their feelings than women do (not always true, I know that, but often). However, this particular man was simply a faker, an imposter…very emotionally immature and in his 40s. If I had not pushed issues and our discussion of them, he would have married me and then spent his nights drinking (either hiding it at home or just out at the bar). Peter Pan is now his nickname.
Wow, I haven’t felt the anger of that for a long time! I’m glad I rejected him (I hadn’t heard the phrase “reject the rejector” at that point). I spent that whole night awake thinking of all of the reasons *I* should have broken up with HIM. When morning came, he was back-pedaling and I was planning when and how his move out of my house should take place. I felt guilty and stubborn for awhile after that, but now I see it differently–I was taking care of ME and I knew from that moment on that he did not choose me the way I deserve to be “chosen.” Nor could I ever choose him that way, if I ever did.
Heather:
YOU ROCK! I love that post. Good for you.
Red hair, by the way, is BEAUTIFUL. I just read the other day that only 2% of the world’s population has red hair and it may one day be gone forever because people of different cultural and ethnic groups are now “mating” more than ever before in history. (I read this article in National Geographic). Anyway, this makes you extra special. :) What would the world be without redheads? That would just be weird! And sad.
I wish I could meet you in NY at the seminar. I’m going to be in NYC around the same time, but it’s a (romantic) trip already planned by new beau and we fly out (of NY) in the morning on the 8th! He just gave me the plane ticket, so I didn’t know it was going to pan out this way. Have a great time and tell me all about it!
Kathy
Thank you so much, Kathy! I will certainly tell you all about the NY seminar. Sorry you are going to miss it. A romantic trip would be more enticing to me, also. I’ve already been spoiled with a romantic trip to Hawaii for Christmas! I hope you have a blast!
Regards,
Heather
SAY WHAT?????
;)
Susan–the romantic trip is not more enticing than your NY seminar, of course ;), it’s just already paid for. :)
Wow..i love this site,i got it from someone on women who love to much site..This is so helpful,to know you are not alone.Its crazy how diferent our situations are but all too similar in our feelings,–anger,resentment,the what ifs,it all drives me completely insane.I feel like i am all yous rolled up into one with all my emotions going haywire. I DO have to get back to me.I comletely lost me in my current Bf,ex at the moment. I am TRYING to make him a permanent ex.But he boomerangs back to me with his pleading,begging,texting,calling..etc.etc..But i loved that line TOUGH..your right he shoulda treated me right when he had the chance.Its crazy how we let these poisonous relationships destroy us and the ME that i know. All my friends and family support me and like others cannot believe i cannot get past this JERK..It is ME who is holding ME back. I continue to ride on his up and down rollercoaster of DRAMA..It is not fun, me personally am having a hard time with the alone..uhh..it hurts.I am so used to being a WE..i lost ME.I cant even remember what l lik.feels like this guy sucked the life outta me at times. My smile was all i am known for..I laugh all the time..USED TOO..I am trying that is all i can say. I have to NOT answer his calls and pleading. He shoulda been the right man when he had tha chance..I have to learn NO,NO..i am printing out some of these for my desk also..to visually see these quotes. My mom said it best i just have a JERk in a pretty package..I will post more later..thanks for letting me VENT..
Christie
Wow Christie…that’s exactly how I feel too…having the hard time with the alone..used to being “WE” and forgetting what you like who you are scary stuff!! They should have treated us right, they had their chance(s)!!! Your mom’s quote fits mine too, a jerk in a pretty package….emotionally dishonest from the above post was a great line too( Kathy)
mine was VERY uncomfortable when put on the spot… when asked to make a choice and a commitment he got angry !! So I walked out. I am NO ONE’s second best anymore. And as much as I miss him, contacting him will only show him he can have me at whatever cost to my self esteem. No way. I do miss him, and I dread the time when he tries to talk to me ( he will, after 15 years I HAVE never done NC!!) This site and these posts inspire me EVERYDAY to live for EM and to quit spending all this energy thinking about him. Hard habits to break, but can be done!! They will miss us dreadfully and get their crap together( and climb mount everest if they have to!) to even have us speak to them, or they will never realize what they did and good riddance
to bad rubbish …WE ARE WORTH MORE THAN SOMEONE WHO IS SO PREOCCUPIED WITH WHAT THEY WANT THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT WHAT WE WANT!! Goodluck to all of you , keep posting I really enjoy this site and all the support. I continue to be proud of the strength I have in not driving by the house or contacting him. Although I did email him last night at my friend’s account just a happy new year, bad bad bad I know this because it’s manipulation and I shouldn’t care anymore ( but I had some drinks with my friend and well, probably not good to do so still fresh in the breakup!) More worried about my friend getting mad than what or if he will write!! Shameful , I know. But everyday I don’t do anything to contact him I feel good about myself. Almost one month. It’s been soooo hard.
Emmee
Now I’m in trouble… :p
Um my Mommy wasn’t as nice as your Mommies…She said my EX was raised by wolves. :)
Susan:
I would add another “love” scenario to your original post.
You loved someone who said he loved you, but was using you to get high or capture you so that that he could dominate you. Someone who never cared about you, but preyed upon you because you had the requisite vulnerabilities. Someone he pursued because he needed you for his/her own self-aggrandizement. Someone who goes by different labels: character/personality disordered; covert-aggressive; narcissistic or even sociopathic.
I believe I came to love a someone who never really existed. And believe me, that has been a hard one to disentangle from: rejecting the rejector who was merely smoke and mirrors.
P.S. Your blog has helped me, too — to stay sane.
Seeif
This No Contact is soooooo hard,its like a drug addiction thats the only way i can compare i guess the feelings.When my cell rings,i cringe knowing that I WANT to pick it up,but cant.He resorts to any and all methods to get at me.He will even then call my daughter(13)on her cell like where’s your mom,shes not answering her phone?? He tries my job,youname it he does it.But i really think he has alot of issues himself he needs to deal with.Part of me doesnt even think its about love no more its about him trying to regain control of me again and at this moment he finally sees i am serious.This site and you guys are wonderful,i have printed these quotes and they get me thru..i am worth way more than he gives or shows me.I realize he has to work on him and i have to work on ME and we cannot do this together.It is very unhealthy how we interact wth eachother,its because all the tension between us. I am angry he is angry.Our situation was a lil’ worse we lived together and i made him leave.Now he tries to play on my emotions because i am a nice person.He has no where to go,he cant sleep,eat yadda..yada.ya..I tell him you had somewhere before i met you you’ll be ok now that were not a we. The weekends..uhhhh the roughest,during the week i keep busy with work and my daughter..the alone time is horrible at this moment.I am learning i WILL start to enjoy my ME time.I am strong and will refresh myself and induldge in things i USED to do..the gym,shopping,out to dinner w/friends,my family..
Sometimes you just feel like a pathetic loser for letting someone have so much control over YOU and my emotions.It is hard becuse we tend to keep remebering the good times we were a we..But ME i keep refreshing my self with all the times i cried and he could care less.On the outside he is a very handsome and charming man,can charm the pants right off most people.He is so fake in public i tell him that often,which is why most thought at first what a great catch..ha–yeah right if they only lived with him and knew the real him.His mother warned me hes bi-polar,i shoulda heeded that one..Thanks for listening and keep on sharing..we all help one another..
Christie
Hi All,
Kathy, Simone:
Your comments are exactly what is going on in my life and in my head. I am going through these emotions and I am coming to a realization that I have abandonment issues and always did. This goes back to my dad and other men close in my life that have left me either emotionally or physically (death, removed themselves from my life etc) . The fact that my ex boyfriend withheld his true feelings and then lied for months (and he knew I had trust issues prior to him) in our relationship to be so as Kathy stated ‘emotionally dishonest’ and in denial of his feelings is so difficult to work through.
The purchase of the house was an action I felt meant that he was serious about the future of our relationship. We discussed that is what I took it as and he AGREED with me – he never said that I am still unsure or I have reservations.
Writing these words are helping me to release these emotions from my heart. I am getting better fgoing through this process of realization of myself and learning to get to a place of peace. I want to be the best person for ME. If I don’t actively work through this, how can I be anything to anyone else? I couldn’t live with myself knowing that.
Thank you all for your stories and advice.
My boyfriend of 5 years, who I lived with, hurt me really badly early this fall. He had a mental breakdown and shut down from me, decided he had to get away, blamed me for his problems. I tried to help him and save the relationship but I was the only one trying and I gave him the walking papers, told him we will never be friends, much to his dislike. Then I moved out of the apartment and that was that. It’s been a few of the hardest months of my life ever since. Can’t remember a time I have cried harder, felt more of a devasting loss, self-reflected and looked inward. But I am determined to turn this into the best thing that ever happened to me, so I am acting accordingly.
A few nights ago I started missing him and looking him up online. What I found is that he is an entirely different person now, even looks different, and that he seems to be happy. I know that his happiness will not last because he needs anti-depression medication for it to stick long-term (which he refuses to stay on) but the point is, he has moved on. He’s not the same guy I spent half a decade with and this new guy is not in love with me anymore. I am part of his past. He’s totally done.
And while that may seem like the most horrible thing to discover, as it lead to plenty of crying on my end that night, ultimately I think it’s a gift. He’s done/we’re over. I don’t need to keep wondering how this will all end because I know. I don’t need to keep staring at my phone and hoping he will call and declare how he made a huge mistake, because that will never happen. I am no longer what he wants, and frankly, if I’m being honest with myself, I feel the same.
I guess what I am trying to say is that someone not loving you anymore may feel like the worst sting in the world, but it’s a lot better than NOT knowing (mixed signals are a great way to string you along) or having it rubbed in your face. That’s why being friends is not a possibility. It makes it too hard to get over them because you still see glimmers of the person you loved, and it’s unbearable to literally watch someone look at you without the same love they once had. The best, and only way, is to cut off all ties and move forward.
Someone is out there for each of us that will love us unconditionally and give us what we need. A person who will give up on us or bail when the goings get tough is not someone who deserves to have us in their life. It’s just how it is. The great love of our life would never put us through so much pain and torment.
If I can survive this, slowly but surely, so can any of you. Just hang in there.
Agreed. I was strung along for years and that doubt and indecision led to lack of security to be able to be completely open with each other, which led to our demise.
Hi Moving On,
I agree with you. I think it is impossible to remain friends with an ex. I could never do it and I don’t understand how some people can unless a breakup is mutual. My last boyfriend wanted me to remain friends after he left me for another girl. He broke up with me with no warning and I was devastated. I tried to be his friend for a little while via email (mostly because I was so attached to him and wanted him back) but it was pure torture. Having this person treat you differently than they used to when you don’t even understand why hurts so badly. And hearing him mention the girl he left me for was like a knife to the heart. My feelings for him hadn’t changed. I still loved him and I had never wanted the breakup.
So I had to break all contact with him and I know he probably didn’t understand why (or at least he acted like he didn’t understand why I couldn’t be his friend). He acted like there was something wrong with ME and that I was the bad guy for not being his friend. I deleted my email account and changed my phone number but I still suffered wondering if I had done the right thing for a long time. I suffered because I missed talking to him, I felt guilty for not being the “nice, understanding, cool” girl who could be his friend (like he said his other exes did), and I worried that I ruined any chance of a reconciliation by ending contact and changing any contact information he had for me. I too hoped for the call where he realized he made a huge mistake and missed me. I still do sometimes even though I changed my phone number, etc. He could contact me if he really wanted to but I still blame myself thinking, “I told him I couldn’t be friends so he probably wouldn’t contact me now if he wanted to” and then I feel guilty.
This was the most difficult rejection of my life and I haven’t been the same since it all happened. I am trying to move on and forget him. I do want someone who loves me and will be loyal to me. I feel that the rejection changed me in a very negative way though and I still have feelings that something is wrong with me. I worry that no one will ever love me unconditionally. I am working on taking care of myself and trying to change this negative thinking though. I hope you continue to get stronger and good luck to you as well.
Lisa Anne
Lisa Anne,
I am sorry that your relationship ended so abruptly and callously. It can’t be easy to deal with, but you definitely did the right thing in cutting all ties. I think most people remain friends with an ex in hopes that they will get them back eventually, but it’s not going to happen and it will just prolong the healing process. Whether you talk to them or don’t talk to them, if the love has died, it likely won’t be resuscitated. It’s easier to just walk away.
In a way, the fact that he has a new girlfriend is a good thing for you, because it solidifies that you are over. He has moved on and he has someone else in his life now. It doesn’t sound to me like you missed out on much here. I don’t like that he tried to manipulate you into staying in touch by acting like all his other exes did. I am guessing that’s not the only instance of him behaving that way.
A rejection of this magnitude is extremely hard to take, but you should definitely try your best not to blame yourself for what happened. It is not a reflection on you and does not mean that you are unloveable. All it means is that he is not the right guy for you and in a sense you are lucky this came out now as opposed to years later when you could have been free to meet the right one. The love of your life would not have left you for another girl and acted as a selfish jerk in the aftermath.
Are you in therapy? That has been a big help for me these past few months. Also this website has been a huge help, as have hanging with my friends more and trying to change my life for the better. I moved into a new place recently, bought new clothes, took a trip. Try to do things that will make you feel better about yourself and less focused on him.
And most of all, don’t beat yourself up if you get sad about it from time to time. You will. I can have really great days and then days when I can barely muster the energy to get out of bed. But I do it, and so will you. I am sure I have annoyed some of my friends by discussing my feelings ad nauseum but it’s helped me to cope and I am lucky they are around.
You seem like a great girl, between this post and others I’ve seen on this site, and you have a lot to offer a guy who truly deserves you.
every day is a new day..so glad to read on this site…will the person I have been seeing off and on, who contacts me when he wants..making me a option not a priority..did the ulitmate today so now I feel the split can really happen. I, like most of you, waiting for his call…sickly, isn’t it. today I checked a dating site and there he was with a great pic of himself and a profile showing that he’s looking for someone, certainly isn’t me..now is it…so I went to visit him, as we have been talking and told him that I had checked the site out and read his profile and that’s enough for me. I wished him well and he agreed with me that he shouldn’t be treating me this way…but I reminded myself that I am allowing this to happen and I have the POWER to change this tangled path I have been on. Yes, I will miss him in those moments and it’s then that I will jump on here and read,read read to remind myself I am not alone and that things can be better…
Thanks Moving On,
Even though he left me for another girl, I guess I still didn’t want to believe that it was really over. Isn’t that sad? I thought that maybe he did it because he was scared of things being too serious between us or something. I hoped that maybe she was just an excuse for ending things because we were long distance (by the way, we had discussed my moving to him and I was going to this past year so we wouldn’t have been long distance much longer). I had hoped that things wouldn’t work out with him and the new girl and it would make him realize how great things were with us and how much I really loved him. I didn’t understand how someone he just met could mean more to him than I did when we had been together for over a year and got along so well. I guess I was making excuses for him because I couldn’t understand or accept what he did. And I beat myself up thinking I did everything wrong and this girl must be better than me. And yes, I did initially try to stay friends with him because I wanted him to change his mind and I wanted him back. I just couldn’t do it because it hurt too badly.
Yes the ending was sudden and callous. He even went on to me about how great she was and how he couldn’t help how he felt about her. That rubbed salt in the wounds. I guess it was suppose to make me “understand” why he couldn’t control his actions and I shouldn’t be mad and should stay friends with him. He would even send me emails after all of this telling me that he missed me. I told him that I wouldn’t be in touch anymore and that being friends doesn’t work unless a breakup is mutual and I deleted my email address and changed my phone number. I haven’t talked to him since. I don’t know if he is still with her and I don’t want to know. It’s been just over a year now since it all happened. Knowing his track record, you are right, he may do to her what he did to me. I don’t know. I am tempted to contact him sometimes because I miss what we had but I can’t be just his friend. I had hoped he would contact me with the “I made a mistake” and suddenly realized he really loved me all along speech. Pathetic isn’t it?
I can’t understand why I am having such a hard time getting over this guy. Maybe it was where it all came as such a shock because I believed that this guy loved me and was such a perfect guy. I got over the end of an 8 year relationship easier than this. This site is wonderful but I may need therapy as well because I don’t understand his hold on me. I’m glad it’s helping you too. Making changes in your environment is excellent advice as well. Thanks again for your encouragement. I’ll shut up now, I promise. lol.
Lisa Anne
Lisa Anne, “How To Break Your Addiction To A Person” by Halpern was helpful to me in understanding why I held on to someone so wrong… It actually goes way back to babyhood or childhood…
Anyway, for me, understanding something better gives me a place to start.
Kathy and Simone……OH MY GOSH, how I can relate to both of you. I knew things had changed in his behavior for three months, and when I would ask him about it, he LIED, blamed other stresses in his life. Finally, after a summer of this game, I played devil’s advocate and literally broke up with myself because he, as Susan says, couldn’t man-up to end the relationship. So when I ended it, he was relieved and very agreeable. My hearing his true feelings (even though I knew deep down it was over long before) made me so angry, because he had strung me along for that whole time, not to mention the pain of facing life without him. He was supposed to be “the one.” I was MAD, and I did cuss him out, which I had never done before. I wrote notes I never should have sent. I was so angry and confused. Yes, I behaved badly, but as a result of that, he found a way to come out smelling like a rose, because of my behavior, and turned me into the bad guy, blamed me for the break-up. He took no responsibility for anything. On a side note, has anybody else experienced a negative reaction to the words “I didn’t mean to hurt you?” and “Why can’t we be friends?” Please, those statements should be banned. They were attempts at ridding himself of guilt.
oh yes, I heard it all…even we can still live together…i don’t think so. i think he passively wanted me to end it…then he would’t be the bad guy.
GrowingWings – there are lots of statements like those that do nothing to help. The person saying them thinks that it makes things better, when in fact, it makes the dumpee feel even worse. I had my gf write me this when she dumped me for her best friend: “I still love you and you’ll be in my heart forever. Please forgive me. This breaks my heart but I need to let you go. I might regret losing you, but I know I will regret not trying with him. I love you; goodbye my love…I hope we can be friends.”
lol…crazy, eh? She definitely did all she could to make it hard for me to move past her, intentional or not. But something Susan said helped me get through: love is an action. Her actions obviously don’t show she loves me….if she did, we’d be together. Maybe she doesn’t truly know what love is, maybe it’s her way of alleviating the guilt of her actions…doesn’t matter. As long as you know those statements are nothing more than words, you’ll be fine.
Mike and Growing Wings,
I’m sorry about the hurt that both of you have gone through. I can relate. Yes the words you mentioned are infuriating and don’t help at all. My ex dumped me for another girl and of course I got a similar speech, “I care about you so much. I’ll never forget you. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I met someone else and I really like her. No one can help how they feel about a person. She blew me away. I want to remain friends with you, close friends. I miss you.” Like this is supposed to make it hurt less…
I gave the friends thing a very brief attempt, only because I was in shock and hoped it was all a mistake and he would tell me he was wrong but I couldn’t do it. I told him it wasn’t a good idea and I cut off contact. It hurt me too much in the long run to try to be friends under the circumstances. Even months after I told him I couldn’t be friends (several times in fact), my ex would email me out of the blue with an “I miss you. It’s a shame YOU don’t want to be friends” email, adding confusion to the hurt.
Did either of you remain friends with your exes? What did you tell them when they asked this of you? Did either of you suffer from guilt for a long time? I did. Do these exes honestly expect us to just put everything aside and be friends like nothing ever happened? I think mine honestly did. How can a friendship be started from a place of betrayal? Or from a place of feeling like one person doesn’t think you are good enough for them or doesn’t love things about you? Does that work with two people who are not even exes? It’s just a way of making themselves feel better for hurting us. A way of thinking, “I still have my ex as a friend so they’re not too mad at me. What I did was not that bad and I don’t have to feel guilty about it.” Just words. If they truly cared about not losing us, they wouldn’t risk it in the first place by their behavior and choices.
Lisa Anne
Just to add….another reason I think we find the “let’s be friends” speech from our exes to be so infuriating is because it proves they don’t love us anymore and that they are detached from us. If they can see us or talk to us and treat us like a sister or brother rather than a lover, that cuts like a knife. We wonder if they even find us attractive anymore and if they do, they don’t show it. What happened? WE didn’t change. We wonder “why doesn’t this person love me romantically anymore?” It’s just a kick in the gut. We know that if they are friends with us, they will eventually hear about the new people we don’t date, and that it doesn’t even bother them. They are not jealous and they don’t care like they would have before. It’s just a twisting of the knife. At least, that’s how it felt to me.
Lisa Anne
I agree that the “let’s be friends” thing is BS. It does one of a few things for the person who wants out: Eases their guilt, keeps you in their life so they can have their cake and eat it too, keeps you hanging onto them (which, sorry, I think a lot of them want, regardless how often they “hope you meet someone else who makes you happy”), etc. It’s just wildly unnatural. You can’t spend years with a person in one way and then redefine all the rules of the relationship and be something else entirely. I know that my ex will meet someone else and fall in love, but I sure don’t want to be around to witness/hear about it. My masochism days (i.e., staying in the relationship way past the point of it being tolerable) are a thing of the past.
And even with all these reasons, it doesn’t explain the main one I won’t be friends with mine: I don’t want to get back together with him. I may still love him in some way and probably always will in some way, but he is fatally wrong for me and the only way I can guarantee not slipping up with him (having an “oops” night together, questioning if I made the right choice in leaving, deciding I need him back) is to not have him around, ever. It tilts the odds in my favor, so I’m sticking with that.
An alcoholic can’t slip up if they’re never around alcohol and don’t allow themselves to find alcohol. Same logic.
Good riddance to our disturbed exes. Here’s to a 2008 that is about US and not THEM.
a guiet weekend is ending, and you know it hasn’t been that bad, crying has actually felt really good when it’s done. I watched a good movie. Thank God for gyms, it gets me out of the house and it’s my favourite place to go. I feel awesome when I leave there and I read Susan’s blog about Getting over a breakup, Act as If, I am acting as if I feel great..this site is a Godsend…Susan is truly Angel among us..
Lisa Anne,
Being friends is one of the very few mistakes I didn’t make. To give some background – I saw red flags w/ her best friend and questioned her on it…that is what led to our breakup. If I didn’t bring it up, I’m sure we’d still be together today…but what a waste of time. I would be really mad at myself if we broke up a year later over this guy, knowing full well I saw the signs earlier and ignored them. So I called her on it. 2 months later, we were broken up.
Back to my point about being friends. Before she made up her mind, I flat out told her we would never be friends. After sharing the intimacy that we did, I knew it would be impossible. I would always want more, even though I knew she wasn’t good for me. Also, she would have another relationship to jump right into, while I would most likely be single…doing my work and such. But that would essentially mean her friend and I would have just traded places…he’s now the bf and I’m now the friend. I flat out said I wouldn’t do what her best friend did to our relationship – I refuse to be second best, wait in the wings for her to change her mind, and be reminded of how casually she was able to drop me from her life. She cried and said I was one of two people in her life that has ever treated her good (the other being her best friend)…she hopes that in a few weeks we can talk. I told her forget it…I told her we might be friends sometime down the road, but for the moment, no. And by down the road, I meant a year. I told her that her wanting to be friends is selfish – she wants to perks of being with me, without the committment. That bothered her and she cried again, but she respects my wishes and has not contacted me since.
See, she made it really hard for me, because she said all the right things, but did none of the associated actions. I’m a man of my word and I expect others to do the same, so it was hard for me before not to accept what she said about her feelings towards me. But I’ve learned I can’t control others and can’t get straight answers from someone that probably doesn’t even know the answer themselves, or even honest enough to admit to themselves. So you have to judge them based on their actions. If our relationship was as great as she claimed it to be, if she loved me as much as she said she did…then why aren’t we together? Obviously, someone is fooling themselves…and trying to be friends is one way to rationalize and alleviate that guilt, which you too have realized. Before I found this blog, I questioned my decision and thought I was being harsh. But Susan’s article wrote exactly what I said about being friends, so I knew I wasn’t crazy…and from that point forward, this blog has helped me move on.
She was my first love and to a certain degree, I will always care about her. But, I no longer love her. To be honest, the best thing she ever did for me was to break up with me…I learned far less when I was with her, since I now know we had a “save me/savior” type relationship, with me being her rock and trying to use to me to fix her own issues. Dumping me revealed my own issues, which I’m glad I’m now able to deal with and move past. Had she not dumped me, I probably would have ended up breaking up with her in a year – I would have never been fully happy being her all, showing how to deal with life, etc. I want someone I can grow together with, not someone I have to show how to grow up.
It’s sad though. Logically, it makes sense to be friends – why not? You had that bond, that comfort, that security with that person…why waste all that because you’re not in a relationship? Because, the heart isn’t logical…and by keeping contact, your feelings will never fully move past them. It’s a shame – good people and chemistry are hard to find in life – we want to hold on to them, life is short. But for life to move on, you have to let them go first…and maybe down the road, when you’ve done all your work and moved on, it’ll be YOUR choice if you want to let them back in your life.
Funny how life is though – one moment, you can mean the world to each other…the next, you have to pretend you mean nothing to each other, even though you shared something that cannot be put into words. But NC is necessary until you move on…if you break it, you’ll always hold onto the hope. And the key is this: why would you want someone who would treat you that way? I certainly don’t, even though I miss certain aspects of our relationship. Don’t give them that power to dig that knife in, to make you question your own attractiveness…cut them off. If they were meant to be a part of your life again down the road, it will happen. But you have to do your own work first and try to move on….or you’ll drive yourself crazy.
Mike,
It sounds to me like we were in somewhat similar situations, involved with someone out of control who we felt we had to balance. This line in particular spoke to me: “I want someone I can grow together with, not someone I have to show how to grow up.” That is how I feel. It was like I was the rock in our relationship, and he was the screw-up, and if I ever acted imperfectly, it was not appreciated or accepted. It’s too much pressure to put on ourselves. It also made me feel like I was about 46 instead of 26.
I, too, have gone the “no friends” route and have found it beneficial. True love is not being with someone we have to save. It’s finding the person who makes everyday just a little more bearable, not the opposite.
Good luck to you.
Also, to add one thing, I think there is a danger in being with someone who thinks you are perfect and amazing and better than they are and they wish they could be just like you. That adoration expires down the road and leads to resentment. I am going to be much more aware of that in future prospects. If someone has low self esteem and thinks you’re the best thing ever, it likely means they’ll start to hate themselves more in your presence and kick you to the curb.
MovingOn,
Thanks! I’m doing pretty well now…oddly enough though, I still keep up with this blog – I find Susan’s insight into life helpful.
It is a lot of pressure when you’re young and you’re someone’s everything. I’m 25. When we were together, I didn’t mind, but I know looking down the road, it wouldn’t have worked. She always thought she wasn’t good enough for me…she said my life was so good and stable, that all she did was mess it up and add chaos. This was even before I brought up the other guy. I should have saw this as a warning sign in itself, as it showed she had self-esteem issues. But, I didn’t have tons of relationship experience and loved being in love, so I ignored it.
You are absolutely right. I am by no means perfect and for someone to put you on that pedastal can doom a relationship. Especially when one doesn’t recognize those signs (i.e. when both are dysfunctional). I never considered that she might resent me…good point though. I know now, however, that I would have always found the relationship lacking, as she wouldn’t be contributing to my growth the same way I would be for her.
Actually, I did offer to help her work through her issues. No one is perfect. But obviously, she turned me down. She was looking for the silver bullet to cure it all…she hopes it’s her best friend. For her sake, hopefully it is. Now I’m just glad I didn’t get sucked in, because I would have felt super guilty having to leave her if I was her all.
Susan,
I came across your site looking for some peace for my current break up and felt the need to post, which I never do.
My story…was in the relationship for a year and half. My boyfriend had a drug addiction which he hid from me for the first six months of our relationship. I noticed things and talked to him about what I thought was recreational use and he always agreed with me and said he didn’t want that kind of life either. Of course, they continued to pop up until he eventually confessed that he had an addiction to pain killers and had been in rehab in the past and was clean for a year before he met me….I never knew this about his history but was suddenly faced with a very big reality. He was an addict and had fallen back into using. He wanted help and entered an outpatient program which went on for several months, but he admittedly was just manipulating the program and using at the same time. All the while, I was dealing with the roller coaster ride of being in a relationship with an addict. I stayed. Despite my gut telling me otherwise, despite all the red flags that popped up early in the relationship and the many more that popped up later on….I stayed. I ignored the voice telling me that he wasn’t the one. I’m have a very bad tendency of only seeing the good in people and believing that this good will win out and make them into the person I see them to be. Which I must say….if you have ever been like this or sense yourself acting this way…Put up a HUGE stop sign. After a year of being together, and him trying to get off the drugs completely…it was still a struggle…then I found out he cheated on me with his ex one night while high. To make it worse…it was the night before my birthday. Enraged, shocked, hurt, devasted…I yelled, cried, broke up with him. Of course he was sorry…cried, apologized, felt horrible, begged to work it out, said he was messed up at the time, etc. Shamefully….a week or so later…I found myself back in the cycle thinking that I was going to be the one to help. “he needed me”….”if only he could get off the druge”…”this isn’t who he really is”…”i know he loves me”…”I want to help him get to a better place”…HA! Well…I did…with the help of his family who contacted me…we got him to agree to go into detox, then rehab and eventually off of the drugs and entering into a healthy life again, but by no means was his struggle over. He attends meetings about 4 or 5 times a week and is going through the steps, etc.
After going through all of this with him and for him….this past December he decides that he wants to date other people, that he has commitment issues, that I’m not the one for him, and all the things people say when they want out. This all took place through the month with a series of talks, distances and space, seeing each other and the eventual…”this is good bye” conversation.
So…after all of this that I have gone through, it has come down to him being the one with the courage to let go. That hurts. All through the relationship, through the ups and downs, I knew I was not getting what I wanted out of the relationship, I knew that it would eventually lead to a break up, I knew that I deserved better….or at least the thoughts had crossed my mind. I wanted to leave, but didn’t want to go. I was stuck by the reality of what letting go meant…that I wouldn’t have the “feelings” of being with him anymore. I like cuddling with him. I liked his cute little txt messages. I liked the “loved” feeling he gave me. I wanted it so badly I guess that I was willing to accept less. I believed in the false hope that he would eventually get better and be that boyfriend I wanted him to be and the one he claimed he wanted to be. I was a victim of my own optimism. So now I’m forced to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that I was avoiding by staying with him…only worse…I now have to deal with the fact that he was the one who walked away when I had all the reason in the world to. I put his needs and feelings above my own. I knew this, yet still did it. I just wanted to give to him, to be there for him, etc. While these qualities are admirable, they are very distructive when they are not in control, for always you should put your heart first.
I have a lot of work to do on myself and am going through the uncomfortable phases of any break up. I’m utterly ashamed of my actions and more importantly…my non actions during the relationship. Honestly, I didn’t really like who I was during that time…lost and confused were constant feeling for me. While this break up is “for the best” and I know in the long run I am better off, there is still a piece of my ego that is crushed because I was the one who was rejected. Yes..reject the rejector…I know. like I said…I have some work I need to do on myself. I’ve been reading “Eat, Pray, Love” and I must say that I found myself in so many of the pages that I cannot wait to re-read this book. I’ve made an appointment with a psychologist to try to uncover why I stayed and what I can do so I don’t hang on to another “not good for me” relationship. I’ve deleted him from my buddy list, myspace (which I think is evil when you are breaking up with someone), and from my phone. I’ve accepted the fact that we won’t have any contact for a long long time, and very well may never talk again. It’s not easy and it sucks and it hurts…but I’m trying to through it. One of my favorite quotes…You don’t drown by falling in the water, you drown by staying there! My hope, dream, goal is to work on myself and understand myself more, love myself more, be there for myself more and to get to a place where the love I have for myself is far greater than any love given to me by a man. I’m in my mid thirties and have been through this before. God’s got a plan for me, so I’m learning to trust in his plan instead of the one I thought I had for myself.
Best wishes to everyone! I highly recommend “Eat, Pray, Love” for anyone going through a break up.
LearningAgain,
You sound like my sister. Are you my sister? :) Well, that would mean her on again/off again relationship is finally really off, which would, I admit, make me feel very happy for her.
I’ll just feel happy for you for, instead :) And I do, really. I’ve dated addicts, too. I could probably say I used to be an “addict-dater”. This guy did you a favor. And you are now doing YOURSELF many favors, which is great. Therapy, reading (that’s a great book, I’ve read it, too), deleting him from contact lists, reading Susan’s blogs and reaching out here are very positive things you are doing for yourself.
Keep reading and processing and love yourself first. There’s calm and clarity for you a ways down this path. I wish you the best!
Thanks for posting.
Active addicts are self-centered liars who are pretty incapable of really giving or receiving love. Have you looked at your need to rescue? Co-addictness? Codependency?
Needing to be needed is often more of a sickness than addiction because we become addicted to the addict…and I am speaking as someone who has been there…and that is often more insidious and difficult to break.
Have you tried Al-Anon? Nar-Anon? Coda? Are either of your parents addicts or alcoholics? (ACA?)
The need to win over someone else’s disease is usually rooted somewhere in the way back. It’s also very curable.
I once pulled a drunken boyfriend out of the mud and it took me hours. I was bleeding and muddy and freaked out by the end of the night. I recounted this at my first Al-Anon meeting about a year later. One old timer said to me, “You should have left him in the mud.” WHAT?
It took me a long time to figure that out…but eventually I became a person who a) wouldn’t be involved with active alcoholics and 2) if someone got so drunk that they fell in the mud I would, indeed, walk over them and into the house.
But it was a lot of sick stuff in me that led me to that bloody, muddy night and that is what I needed to look at and address.
It is possible. I wish you all the best and keep sharing here!!!
Peace,
Susan
wow, I just read your posting learning again, wow my personality is written all over it. I am the rescue queen here also, trying to make everyone else happy. The guy I was seeing contacted me and we had a talk and we met for dinner and it was very nice. We talked about a lot of things. Knowledge is power and I have learned a lot through from the stuff I have been reading in here. I am not sure where this will lead but I am stronger about how I can react, if he shows me by his actions that he truly cares about me then we will continue to go forward. reading Eat, Pray, Love also..timely stuff…
Kathy…I’m not your sister, but I swear you scared me. I have a good friend Kathy and I thought for a second she found me on here. lol Thank you for being happy for me!! It is much appreciated.
Susan!!!…….
Let’s see….I know that I have many traits of a co-dependent. I read the book “Co-dependent No More” and found it very insightful. That was many years ago, so maybe re-reading it would do me some good. As for the meetings, I have not actually been to any of them, but I have researched them online. I’m very aware that I have a disease because I can’t believe some of the things that I have allowed or have done…again…I’m very ashamed of myself. I have to tell you..when you said above that it is very curable…I started crying…because I WANT to be cured. I don’t want to do this to myself ever again. I want to learn to give myself everything that I feel the need to give to everyone else. Why is it we treat others so much better? It truly is disgraceful the lack of love we show ourselves. It saddens me so much because I have let myself down. I have not cared for myself in a way that I truly deserved. I’m a good person and I love deeply…and that should be treasured, and I have not treated myself like a treasure.
My parents…well…neither are alcholoics or drug addicts, but my mother…God bless her….Is the root of all codependcy. I feel I have learned this behavior from her…if it can be learned?? Or is it something you’re born with?? Either way…it rubbed off on me. My father is 12 years older than her and while I love him to death…my mother settled. I found out when I was in my mid 20’s that my father did use drugs in his twenties and got in trouble, but that was before my mother met him, so I wouldn’t say he was an addict. He was 39 when I was born and is now 75, so who really knows.
My mother was a victim of her own optimism and probably believed that my father would fulfill the things she couldn’t fulfill for herself.
I was an overweight child up until the age of about 18. Growing up, I was at my mothers side…glued to her hip. I learned from her to be an emotional eater. I remember as a child getting picked on, always wanting to fit in, for people to like me, as I got into my teen years, I remember just wanting a boy to notice me to want me. THANKFULLY!!! I got control over my eating at about 18. While I still fluctuate and have to constantly watch what I’m eating, I don’t feel like it is something that I can’t control and I’m at a healthy weight and work out. However, I know the fat years have scared me and shaped a lot of my behaviors and beliefs about myself. This is something I have worked on for many years and have made progress, but obviously not enough if I’m dealing with these kinds of issues.
What you said about the old timer saying “you should’ve left him in the mud”…and your reaction…LOL…I can so relate. My friends tell me things like this about my ex and my past boyfriends…and I think…”but…how could I do that??” It’s like I can’t phathom just leaving the person to their own bad choices…it doesn’t even make sense to me. Of course I have to help!!!
All this being said…I’m sorry I tend to write a lot. How do I cure it?????????
By the way…my ex’s birthday is next week. The old me would have sent him a text message or an email saying Happy Birthday, for how could I not acknowledge his birthday. But the me today, in 2008 has vowed not to do that…and honestly, I don’t want to give him the satisfaction. I’m putting me first…maybe I’ll go by myself a present on his birthday and celebrate him letting me go!!
Any other advice or insights would be much appreciated!
Wow…that one was really long. I’ll try to be more brief. :)
Don’t apologize for long posts. :) Right Kathy? :)
I think it’s a WONDERFUL idea to buy yourself a present on his birthday. That’s BRILLIANT!!!
No codependency is definitely a LEARNED trait. No one is born with it. It’s the twisting of normal. It’s bizarro world.
Don’t beat yourself up because you didn’t know that you didn’t know. Just be glad you know now. I always encourage face to face meetings. That is where healing happens. It’s so good to be OUT where healing happens.
Thanks for sharing!!!
Codependency is definitely learned. Who are our biggest role models for love? Our parents. I see it in myself – overfunctioning which leads to resentment. The difference now is I recognise my behaviour.
I think the obly thing holding my parents together is low self esteem and obligation…because I certainly don’t see any love.
susangpyp and everyone, i would like to ask something on this note. the person i was seeing smokes marijuana on a daily basis, normally at night, not sure about daytime when he is at work, and always before having sex. sometimes he can smoke hash too, yet he is a fierce opponent of hard drugs.
he has a tendency to be detached from reality and has a hard time constructing social relationships. sometimes i can tell whether he is high but most times, unless he smokes in my presence, i wouldn’t be able to tell.
is he addicted?
Thanks again….I’ll be sure to post what I bought and how I celebrated! :)
Do you have any techniques or advice on unlearning this learned behavior??
waterlilly,
He sounds addicted to me. I’m not a professional, unless dating a few addicts counts
as professional training! :) In my experience, someone addicted to pot will often use
the “it’s not a hard drug” excuse to mask their dependency and justify their regular use. It’s just another excuse and another lie they tell themselves. The pot smoker I dated played it down at first and I thought it was an occasional thing. But he smoked every time we were together. The last week of our “relationship”, was about the time I realized the dude smoked pot for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
At any rate, whether his is an addiction or not, the behaviors you describe are concerning.
Someone like that would have a hard time forming a healthy relationship. He must have
been rather unavailable emotionally. You deserve better than that!
Learning Again: Read Melody Beattie and Pia Melody and Robert Subby and others who have written extensively on codependency. If you have to pick one, Melody Beattie. Start wth Codependent No More (CNM) and then go to Beyond Codependency. Those two are a must.
You might want to check out CODA meetings. I used to be friends with a guy who was twisting in the wind with his ex wife and her crazy behavior and he was SO codependent. I suggested CNM and meetings to him and he was an intellectual who argued with me about how 12 step programs are crutches and CNM doesn’t explain everything (it did really) etc etc. But after another 6 months or so he caved and re-read CNM and went to a weekly meeting for about a year and he got it. He really got it. Today (about 12 years later) he’s happily remarried and has his own business and is doing well. I’ve seen CNM plus x amt of meetings work wonders in even the most skeptical of lives.
And keep doing the GPYP observation preparation cultivation. Observe your own behavior. Prepare to change it and cultivate those changes in your life. YOU CAN DO THIS.
Waterlilly: one of the most difficult addictions to face (in the addict and others) is marijuana. While I can’t tell you that he’s an addict, I can tell you that if you’re with someone who is smoking pot on a daily basis you are with someone who is not in reality and, chances are great, not growing as a person. Pot addiction is very insidious but the big hallmark of it is that the person is not GOING ANYWHERE. Their life is Groundhog Day. The same day over and over again.
Being with a person like this is frustrating. And for your purposes (whether or not he is an addict) you need to decide if his level of involvement is one you can handle. For me, when I was single, even casual pot smoking was not okay with me but I did go out with a guy who confessed to smoking pot about 5 times a week. He did wind up in NA after we broke up and is still clean today (about 15 years later) and has grown and prospered. When I met him, he was on due course to nowhere.
Each person needs to decide for themselves if they are with someone whose use of alcohol and/or drugs is okay for them and if it’s not, what do you do? When I was first involved with addicts and alcoholics and realized I needed help, I went to Al-Anon and NarAnon. Both programs were invaluable to me but later on, after I got my stuff together, I decided that I was NOT going to be the long-suffering girlfriend in Al-Anon (or NarAnon or Co-SLA or anything else)…that if you had a problem, stay away from me. Then I decided that even casual drug use was not okay and more than occasional social drinking was not okay for me.
But that is a personal decision. I felt as if I had enough things in myself to work on and being with alcoholics and addicts was NOT my primary issue…but if it was I would have stayed in the -anons. But I had my own work to do without having to go to extra meetings because my idiot boyfriend was a user.
While you can’t change anyone else, you can change who are with and what boundaries you have in these situations. For me, I decided what was unacceptable and then I acted accordingly. So the question is not really is he an addict but does he indulge in a way that is unacceptable to me and does it affect his life in ways he can’t see.
Accept it, change it, or leave. Since you already left, this seems to be taken care of. :)
LearningAgain,
LOL–nope, I’m not your friend, Kathy. :)
Susan’s right, every now and then, I throw out a real doozie of a long post here and in the breakup group (I posted the mother of all posts there yesterday–but, hey, I feel better!) :)
Incidentally, my long post in the group yesterday was about living with shame and guilt.
My own feelings of shame have been very connected to my enabling, codependent behaviors.
Shame and guilt are horrible and destructive and just do us NO GOOD. Ridding myself
of shame has been the biggest act of self-love and the greatest gift to myself EVER.
Working through that has taken me years, but I don’t know that it has to take that long.
The point is, it starts to turn around when we have the epiphany, which you seem to have had after this last breakup. Mine came after my last breakup, too. I also dated several addicts before it finally hit home. My sister is still dating her most recent addict–we learned this behavior from the same teachers, we weren’t born with it.
Working with a good therapist, the GPYP program and blog, the breakup email group, reading, journaling and taking good care of me helped me heal big time this past year. I did intense work on my own “recovery”, if you will. It can be exhausting and all-consuming, but once you have an epiphany and are determined not to fall in the same darn hole, the time has come to dig deep and stay with it until you know you really “get it.” It works. It really works. I’ve never felt better in my life. So much peace! And simple, pure joy. No drama, no fireworks, no chaos. I love my life today–no matter what happens–because I love me. For the first time in my life, I can say that and really, really mean it.
So keep reading and re-reading if necessary. There’s a list of books on the right of this web page. Susan often recommends 12-step groups, which I’ve personally not joined, but I believe they would be helpful to anyone with the same issues. A good therapist knows how to ask the really good questions that can lead to a complete paradigm shift. It would be like having your own personal Susan at your disposal once a week or so for a full hour. :) Journal–writing your feelings and thoughts down is so cathartic and brings unexpected insights.
Please don’t shame yourself anymore. Kick shame out of your life. Nothing you have done or felt is worthy of shame. Forgive yourself for being imperfect–embrace yourself as imperfect; we all are!
Kathy, your post seems to read that I’m right now and again. LOL. But I know what you meant. ;)
When my marriage ended, I was depressed and anxious and could not sit still or think straight. Going to therapy, meetings and non 12 step support groups, retreats, conferences, seminars etc. gave me focus and people to be around. I had NO CLUE how to rebuild my life and in 12 step meetings and other support groups, people are doing that. Plus, I was not anxious the hour or so I was in a meeting or in therapy. It was the only place where I was able to calm down for a short period of time. The transformation that happened for me was amazing and I was like a sponge absorbing everything.
People have asked me about doing GPYP webinars or teleconferences but the healing that happens in the group setting is incredible and I’ve resisted having everyone isolated in their own homes. In GPYP classes, the group tends to become a cohesive unit and I think that’s so important.
But if you don’t do groups, having your own therapist is great and a big step in healing.
That’s how I still feel, although I think the anxiety now comes from wondering why I am still so anxious. I have nothing interesting in my life, no passion. There is nothing I find I can focus on. I also think that comes down to depression/anxiety. Working with my naturopath on depression is a start.
Susan,
I was wondering if you had any references of therapists in the New York area? During my current breakup (alongwith owning a house with an ex and feeling like being in ‘limbo’ of the healing process due to it), I feel that talking to a professional could add assistance in the healing process.
I am born and raised BX girl back in the NY area.
Thank you
Susan–Yes, that would be a miscommunication due to poor punctuation…and from a teacher, no less! (“I love my imperfect self. I love my imperfect self. I love my imperfect self…”) :)
Kathy! Thanks for the support. I read something you wrote on another page and I swear…you sound so much like me. The whole checking on his myspace page to see what he is doing….I mean, who would have thought a alittle page could do such damage in people’s lives. I’m working on the not caring and checking on him…and believe you me….it is hard…and even harder for me…here is why…
Again…I’m not proud of myself here…a long time ago he gave me his password to do some designing of his page. Well…I never forgot his password and every once and while check in there, but never found anything…until I found the email from the girl he cheated on me with during his using drugs….and BAM!!! I guess I got what I asked for. While he was definitely in the wrong for cheating, I am so in the wrong for using his password to check on him. Sooo…needless to say, he still doesn’t know about it and I have to do everything in my power not log in. BTW…he also has this same password for one of his email accounts….again…..NOT PROUD!!! So that is one the places where my shame comes in. I’ve deleted him from my myspace page and don’t have the urge to log into it because I know that behavior is so very destructive and I DON’T need anymore information to process about him or what he is doing or who is talking to…and he’s on a dating site to. I know that this behavior was NOT good for and I’m working on never doing it again or even clicking on his page.
You know that old saying…Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought him back!
So a part of my sickness is that utilized the knowledge I had to check up on him and found something out….which I’m glad I found out, but not proud of the way I did. I really feel good about not doing it again, however, for awhile…it was almost a compulsion and it scared me…which prompted me to say ENOUGH!!!….LET IT GO!!! Adding him to my buddy list, deleting him, adding him, deleting him….I knew if I deleted him from my myspace page that I couldn’t get him back on unless I sent a freinds request. I knew I HAD to do it for myself. It was a step to putting it all behind me. He has it set to private so I can’t see what is on there now…unless I logged in…but again….I DON’T WANT ANYMORE INFORMATION to process about him. I have enough of my own information to process without adding gasoline to a fire I’m working on putting out. NO COMMUNICATION!!!
This has been my experience.
LearningAgain:
Ah, yes, girlfriend, I’ve done all of that stuff, too! In my last relationship. I checked his email on occasion and regularly checked his calls and texts on the cell phone. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. And, boy, did it make all the shame rage within! It’s not behavior to be
proud of, so to speak, so it’s not so bad to recognize this. But it’s layered and complex,
not as simple as “I’m bad and should be ashamed of myself.”
What I figured out over time is this:
I was with someone whose own issues triggered my issues (surrounding trust, being
abandoned, second place, not enough, unlovable, and on and on).
It wasn’t my behavior alone that was the problem, it was an explosive mix of our
behaviors together. He was the wrong person for me to be with if I was ever
going to be my best self. (And vice versa, I’m sure)
I wasn’t “wrong” to not trust him, I was wrong to stay in a relationship and try to
be trusting with someone who wasn’t trustworthy. It led to my acting “crazy”, and
I’m not crazy.
If it’s any consolation, I think it helped me to admit what I had done. Say it out
loud to someone (safe), own it and then let it go. Forgive yourself. There’s
nothing to be ashamed of, it’s a lesson about who you really want to be (and
don’t want to be!) and the kind of person you don’t need in your life to
be your best self.
Also, there’s HOPE. In my current relationship, my BF’s ex-girlfriend contacted
him out of the blue a couple of times over the holidays. I guess she was lonely
and, hey, I’d miss him, too, if I lost him ;) That is the same scenario that led
to my previous boyfriend’s (first) betrayal and months and months of anxiety
and suffering for me. After the initial anxiety this time, I felt fine. Seriously.
Why? Because I trust myself and I trust my new BF completely. I know who he is
and he’s not a cheater. He is trustworthy, loyal and just as good as they come.
He knew she would have to have the last word in everything, so he chose to
ignore her calls. He gave me the choice to listen to her voicemails or not. I
chose not to. (I don’t want her voice in my head and I believe him when he
tells me what she said.)
The best news is this: I didn’t and still don’t feel any of those old urges to start
checking his phone records or get into his email. I’ve used his computer
since then and it always opens up to his email account (with him logged
in). I always just sign out and sign myself in. Just like that. I was so
afraid (of myself) after the last relationship that I would never have believed
I could be my trusting self again (or the trusting self I always wanted
to be).
It really does work to do what you are doing. I know the feeling of just
getting so sick of it all, so fed up with the craziness and chaos that you’ll do
anything to snap out of it. Keep on going–it’s gonna work!
I trusted my ex implicitly, until one incident where I caught him out lying about something. It wasn’t the lie itself, but that his response was he didn’t want to deal with it, with me. Ouch.
susangpyp and kathy, thanks again for your words. yes, now i finally see something i consciously ignored during the relationship. also, this might have been the reason for certain problems of communication and conceptual incompatibility between him and i. in any case, my ex’s addiction is a thing much beyond our relationship and i would have had no powers to change it. he would have laughed in my face if i had advised going to therapy and, as usual, he would have come up with some cynical matcho phrases to make me shut up. it is so weird though, because he has another face- loving and caring and sweet and tender like a big baby boy that almost needs me to protect and love him. and i guess seeing this side of him kept me struggling to make it work out.
while accepting the ups and downs,quite unpredictable in most cases, i was suffering by the lack of reciprocity of feelings. i never knew what face he would have the next day. i guess leaving it is the only choice i have had.
just gotta say again, I love this site,,the reading is helping me so much to realize that I have gotta take care of ME…Talk to him last night, of course, after the night before I thought he would immediately delete is profile on a the dating site and realize I’m the one he’s searching for…NOT…We had a chat about light stuff and I didn’t get the connection that I was hoping for. feel like I am muck, and you guys are throwing ropes to get me out..thanks so much for your postings, this site is giving me hope of making the decision that I need to make around this sick relationship..LEAVE IT..so the next time he calls, I will ignore it…Sugerland sings an awesome song about rising above a sick relationship..Why don’t you Stay..youtube it..it’s a great tune..
Hi Kathy….maybe we are sisters after all…lol
I know exactly what you’re talking about. It is all about chemistry, which can be good and can be bad. I believe that God brings people into our lives to bring us to a place where we need to be, to teach us, to expose us, to remind us what we need to focus on. I truly believe that God brought my ex into my life to force me to look at what I needed to address. It was an answer to a prayer that I didn’t know I was praying. I believe he wants better for us so he will reveal to us in many ways where we are going wrong and leave it to us see the lesson. My ex brought out in me a person I didn’t like, but he also pulled out all the muck that I thought I addressed, but really had been ignoring. I believe God intended for him and I to meet and reveal to each other what needs improvement. I had never been in a relationship with an addict so all of this was new to me…as were the feelings and decisions I made on how to deal with it. But maybe God saw that I need that chemistry to take a look at myself in the mirror and see my issues, my addictions, my disease….and say…”Hey!!! These things are dragging you down! These issues are doing you no good! I want better for you!!!” God doesn’t always give us what we want, but he will ALWAYS give us what we NEED! Wether we like or not.
So while I loved my ex and I know my ex loved me…we weren’t meant forever, we were meant for a season, and I’m okay with that. Don’t get me wrong…it hurts and I miss him…but that’s all part of the process. I thank God for bringing this relationship into my life and thank God even more for giving my ex the courage to end it, because I wasn’t able to. The rejection stings, but I know there is a greater lesson in it all that hasn’t quite been revealed to me yet. I’ve never been more sure that this relationship was God’s doing. So now it is up to me to sort through it all, heal what needs to be healed, love myself and treat myself better than I have treated myself. I’m on my way to something better waiting for me around the corner. I don’t know where or when I’ll discover it, but there is a peace in the healing process that I’m learning to appreciate and love.
Learning Again,
I sooo relate to your post on obsessively checking up on your ex-boyfriend. This in particular stuck with me because I’ve said the exact same words: “I DON’T WANT ANYMORE INFORMATION to process about him. I have enough of my own information to process without adding gasoline to a fire I’m working on putting out.”
I have done most of what I “should do” after this breakup. I have held firm with NC, despite several attempts he has made to lure me back in. The latest attempt was him sending me a birthday ecard full of mushy platitudes. I deleted it and emptied the trash; no need to reply and open a dialogue. I made it clear that we won’t be friends so I’ll keep pounding that message home for as long as I have to.
But what I have struggled with the most is the need to check up on him. We broke up a little over 3 months ago, after 5 years together, and I find myself unable to shake this nagging curiosity to look at his MySpace page, read his forum posts, or whatever else I can get my eyes on. There was one day I was happy because he set his profile on private, but the next time I checked it was back up again.
I went three weeks without looking at his page and then I relapsed recently, started looking at it a few times a day. It’s pointless because there is nothing he can say that will give me any satisfaction. If he’s sad, I feel bad for not talking to him. If he’s happy, I feel bad like I’m that easy to get over. There is no winning. And it’s like picking a scab every time I do it and then I have to begin healing all over again.
I am hoping that this time I will really stick with not looking at his stuff anymore. It’s masochistic and a major hindrance to my progress. Everything in my life, outside of him, is going really, really well. I left him because he was bringing me down. Now I need to stop letting him continue to do so as a ghost.
Hi Moving On…
Thank you and can completely relate. I’ve been there with my past boyfriends and now with this one. I know there is ’something’ inside me that is causing me to have this urge and I guess that is what this journey is about to reveal to me.
Obviously, I am by no means an expert on this as I have yet to figure it out. However, what I can say is this…When I feel those feelings I’m trying to remind myself how I felt the last time I put my hand on the burner, so to speak. It hurt!! So why would I want to continue to put my hand back on the burner? I’m just going to get burned again. Believe me…I don’t have answers here…just thoughts. I try to remind myself what I have heard my best friend tell me over and over in the past years. She has always encouraged me “no contact rule”…don’t check up on him….decide that you don’t want to know. Before I deleted him, I was asking a friend about it and she said that she doesn’t delete her ex because it shows you care and then you would just have to request them again to be friends. My answer to her was….If it’s really over, there wouldn’t be a need to request them again!!!!!
I believe we often hang on to every piece of somebody, just so that we can relive what was and seek a way to make a spark again….but we do this because we want to feel good about ourselves. We want somebody else to do the work for us, to make us feel important. Then when when it backfires and we see something that we don’t want to see….it hurts….but this is just our way of FEELING something for that person after it has gone. In our sick little heads we think it is better to feel something rather than nothing…because when the ambers go out from the fire we had, and smoke and ashes disappear…we are left with ourselves….and most of us don’t really like ourselves very much or we sure don’t act like it. In the book “Eat Pray Love” there is a passage that resenated with me….here it is…
“You’re like a dog at a dump,baby – you’re just lickin’ at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable”
Realize when you do check up him or see what he’s doing…or in my case log into his accounts….we’re just trying to get more nutrients out an empty can that can no longer feed us. When it’s over….SHUT IT DOWN! Find a new can that isn’t opened yet…better yet….find everything you need within yourself. Everything we are looking for from someone else can be found within us….we just have to do the work to find it.
Try loving yourself the way you want to love him! You deserve your love more than he does anyway.
Hi Susan and everyone reading this post,
Like everyone else, this site has been a valuable outlet for us to share our sorrows, fears and disappointments. Rather than detail my own personal experiences ( which I am sure mirrors a lot of your experiences ), I want to share some positive messages that I’ve come across during my healing process. These two excerpt came from Dr. Dyer’s books on the Tao. The first is an affirmation which says ” It is all perfect….God’s love is everywhere and forgets NO ONE. I trust in this force to guide me and I am not allowing ego to enter now”. This essentially is saying that we should just LET GO which Susan reiterates all the time. Just plant the seed and let the flower bloom. That is the nature and it’s will. No amounts of water and sunshine will force is to grow faster. Just let is grow and your love will come. The second talks about fortune…and it says ” When bad fortune feels so troublesome, that you can’t get unstuck, see good fortune leaning on it, just as morning follow the darkest night”. Here, the wisdom of Tao is saying there is always the two opposites. Things will change. The law of karma works both ways. Have faith and join me in celebrating the love that’s coming our way – Jeff
My boyfriend just left me and he said that we had grown apart. After I read this article I see that when he said the clever, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” that he really meant it. I was holding out like it says above and the sooner I realize that the less time I will waste pining for someone who didn’t want me.
Susan this is a great post. Thank you so much for your advice. I wish I would have known about this site 3 years ago. This is how long my break up has lasted. I never fully let him go, I kept hoping that he would once again love me the same way he used to. I don’t think I will ever understand how someone that loved me so much can be so indifferent. Or tell me that he “cares” about me but is unable to give me the love I deserve.
I was doing so good and this past weekend I made the mistake of seeing him. It was the first time in 6 months since I last saw him. And now I have opened a wound an it hurts so much that I cannot stand it. I’ve been crying since he left on Saturday. I cry as I type this post. I cry the moment I wake up. I cry at work. When will I stop crying over him? When will I wake up and not think about how much I miss him? I keep myself busy, I go out and I’ve even tried to date but I can’t get past this. My heart still skips a beat when he emails, texts or calls (I don’t ever initiate contact). Should I change my number? Should I change my email? I’ve asked him not to contact me before but every once in a while he still emails me and there I go again.
I am so worried that I will never really be a happy person again. I can’t remember the last time I truly felt happy. I have one last stupid question. Is this pain still lingering around because I never cut him off completely? I am sorry, I know it is silly but I just have to rationalize that if I had cut him off completely I would be ok by now. If this is true then I have some hope that I will truly be ok at some point in the future. I just need to change everything because I simply don’t have the will power to not answer his messages.
Learning Again,
Great Posts!
I am at a point in my breakup where I am feeling exactly as what you wrote. God definitely has a plan and I am looking for the lesson to which has been brought to my attention by this breakup.
I also need to stop ‘lickin at an empty can’. Nothing positive comes from it and basically, if it is not positive…I don’t want it.
wow…. that really, REEAALLLLY helped me. thank you so much for writing that. it’s all about acceptance, i’m finding. does going through the pain actually make you a stronger person? i’ve heard that one, but i don’t believe it. i feel more cynical now about love than ever. i’ve got to lose the attitude.
I think it does make you stronger, but it takes some strong. If you’re feeling cynical about love then my guess is that your breakup was still fairly recent. I can feel myself moving from “love sucks” to “there’s a right guy out there for me” as time passes, so the same will happen to you, if you keep trying to learn and grow. That’s not to say there aren’t days when I am furious, but they’re becoming a lot less frequent.
Sorry, it takes some TIME. Typo.
Tonight I broke the ‘no contact rule’ after about 5 days of not saying anything. My ex-gf eventually called me back and we talked. I’ve been feeling better since I’ve been reading these articles, but she deleted all my pictures of us on facebook and told me that she was seeing someone else.
I think that a few months ago, I probably would have went into a deep depression if not something worse. The strangest thing happened though, I have been getting better and better lately, but after hearing the news, I felt tremendously better.
I think I was just one of those people whose mind is so uncontrollable and so are my emotions that hearing she is with someone else and definitly does not want me, relieved me.
I honestly feel better now than I did before without contacting her. I don’t plan on contacting her anymore, but breaking this one rule after forcing myself not to really freed me and has been such a liberating feeling.
It is incredible to feel like I finally have control of my life again!
Michael,
That would probably make me feel better, too, in a similar situation, but you bring up a tricky thing about the whole question of contact/no contact. What if your ex had told you something different? What if you had found out she was not dating someone else? Would you still feel liberated? Making contact is risky business because it can have such an impact on how we feel (better or worse). We benefit so much more when how we feel is determined internally (by us and what we’re doing in our own life), not externally (by them or what’s going on in their life).
Kathy brings up a good point. Also, you may have felt elated yesterday, and feel awful in a few days about it once it fully sinks in. Sometimes you can have delayed reactions with those types of things. I’m happy you’re happy, but I agree that it should come internally–makes it more likely to last.
Hey guys,
I agree and I think that if she was not seeing someone else that circumstances could have been different, in fact, there is nothing to say that I won’t be upset possibly in a few days. I really wish I would have initially stuck to the no contact rule, but the fact that this somehow became a positive experience out of a mistake I shouldnt have made in the first place is a relief.
I honestly have felt the best I have ever felt in about 5 months. Even prior to breaking up, things got really bad and when we did break up, it was not really any surprise for either of us (she broke up with me). It was like things went downhill for 5 months prior to the break up.
I won’t lie, last week Mon-Thurs, I resorted into my former self-destructive self drinking heavily which threw me into a deep depression. However, when I woke up Friday morning, I felt amazing. It was weird because I went to sleep and woke up feeling like a million bucks on Friday. I think for the longest time I was so hesitant to let go, so hesitant and constantly wishing she would profess her love and we’d get back together.
I literally could not move on at all and it was such a traumatic experience since Sept ‘07. What also helped me is that 2008 is a new year, and a new opportunity to make changes. My ex still controlled me as far as I was concerened b/c I was so wrapped up in her and just refused to let go. My mind and heart could not handle such an experience at the time. Little by little, I allowed all my dream and hopes of our future to fade away, and that was when I started becoming better. It has been the most painful experience in my life, but it was something I had to do.
I was living a fantasy, not reality…….living in the past, living only in the good times, when the reality was that things were VERY bad towards the end, and even after we broke up. I am convinced that people recover with time and when their heart/mind allow them to. Mine was so traumatized for so many months, and I kept going at it to move past this part in my life and to re-build myself slowly. I am confident that everyone else can do the same as well.
……it is just going to take time, tears, and ALOT of effort, but if you truely believe you can get through this, you will.
Thank you for your website. I stumbled upon it quite at random. Realised I was feeling grief, that I was being some sort of grief stage cliche, googled “grief” to check, ended up on wikipedia and this site was a link!
I feel a bit fraudulent after reading everyone elses stories. I have only had this person in my life for 2 months. We met in a chat room and clicked. Within a week we had exchanged phone numbers and we talked on the phone every day, sometimes multiple times and also on MSN. All up we’d clock up hours and hours each day. Realistically my life has been work and him.
He lives on the otherside of the country (Australia) about 4200km away. I just ignored this fact as felt that fate had bought us together. To cut a long story short, he flew over (was going to anyway as he lived here for a while and was visiting friends) and we met and I thought it went well – we were the same, we got along, we had fun.
When we met the 2nd time, at some stage at about 4am I made a comment and it bought about his feelings that the distance was too much. I am ashamed to say I lost it. I cried and cried and cried. I truly thought that we had something strong enough to overcome the distance. I guess he doesnt.
It’s been about 4 days now since it happened. I’m still not ok with it although in hindsight I recognise that he gave me plenty of nonverbal cues that I chose to ignore. I keep thinking the distance is just an excuse and he really just doesnt like me but I can’t believe this. At the end of the day it doesnt matter as he doesnt care enough about me to try.
It hurts a lot. I’m starting to doubt my capacity to be loved by someone that I love. I have so much to give and no one wants it.
Do you think that relationships developed online are different in a way? Although it was such a short amount of time in the scheme of things we shared so much so quickly that the bond felt stonger than with my last partner (who I was with 2.5 years).
I understand I can’t change his mind and have enough diginity not to bother trying but I want him to know that I appreciate the time that we had. He is a great person and I just want to thank him… and dont want him to remember me as the hysterical crying me that he left when he could remember the me that he felt something for at some stage.
I know I will get past this but how do I get my confidence back when I’ve been knocked down in love so many times? How do I convince myself that there’s nothing wrong with ME? I guess I’ll get there eventually but right now the light at the end of the tunnel seems really far away.
The odds of relationship lasting forever and not having troubles or just not working are pretty high…..AND that’s if two people are in the same zip code, let alone the same country. I would chalk this one up to the distance and let it go. That would have been extremely difficult even if it you fell madly in love with each other when you met. Focus on yourself and findind someone that you can interact with and get to know in person. Chatting online can be dangerous when that is what most of your relationship is based on. You don’t truly get to know the person until you spend time with them…and sometimes even then it’s hard. So don’t take this personally…and if you choose to meet men this way, spend some quality time with them before you open your heart and fall head over heals. Hope this helps.
StellaBella,
One person’s (or even a dozen people’s) inability to reciprocate our feelings for them is not
evidence that we are unlovable and will never find love. I know it feels this way at the time. Rejection can really hurt. But think about it…if you know deep down that you are lovable
and wonderful and are optimistic that a great partner is out there for you somewhere and will
show up some day, you will see this experience as evidence that this particular person is
not that special one for you, NOT as evidence that you will never be loved. Turn it around:
would you want someone you dated a couple of times and then decided you didn’t really
see a future with, to put so much weight on your opinion of him that he felt terrible about
himself and unlovable because you didn’t like him as much as he liked you?
And about “falling apart” and crying, try not to feel bad about that. You are human and
you have feelings. That moment with him was the moment you understood that the
two of you didn’t want the same thing. There is a moment like that in every relationship
that ends and it is painful. We have the right to feel sad and cry about it. Don’t shame
yourself for being human.
Now you have the information you need and you can keep moving forward, keep
living and leaving yourself open to the next possibility for love. And in the meantime,
you can work on a list of all the reasons you ARE fabulous and lovable and why some
guy is going to be so darn lucky to have you. The “right one” will know this and
will not move on. And you will also choose him. That’s they way it works. It does
happen and it will happen for you. Just don’t spend time holding onto to the dream
of this last guy being “the one”. It could be at the expense of living your life as an
available, lovable woman open to meeting the guy who really IS the one.
Thanks for the responses. This site has helped a lot – I’m not sure exactly why but it might be the simple fact that it shows me that A) I’m not alone and B) that I will get past this.
I actually feel better today and ready to go forward!
Have decided to follow the advice and implement the NC though had up until now planned on sending a goodbye and thanks for the memories type email. I had always told myself that I expected no reply but know deep down that when I dont get one I will be crushed and that does me no good!
If all he can remember from the last 2 months is the tearful, sullen and somewhat pathetic individual I was when he broke his news then thats not my problem. We shared a lot over that period of time and I for one am going to remember the good parts.
I have deleted almost all the pictures and songs and snippets that he sent me but not all of them. I don’t want to deny that what we had existed but I acknowledge it is no more. Deleting it all does not take it away nor does it take away the hurt I feel/felt and to try and pretend it never happened does a disservice to my capacity to feel and love.
He made his choice and I will live with it. I can’t quite work out why fate threw us together and exactly what I am supposed to learn from this but I guess that will come with time. And even if it doesnt… well, fate can be a cruel mistress at times and perhaps this was just one of those times. So be it.
WOW StellaBella! You sound so good and strong…you are right, it’s not your problem what he thinks. You just need to be good to you and work on moving on…you can do this!
I spent a lot of time wondering how people just forget the feelings and how much they used to care about the person. When i think back about my ex-gf, I can vividly remember the most intimate times where we talked about marriage and had such an intimate bond that I thought would be impossible to break. It is interesting how my ex-gf can just forget about everything we both went through and all the feelings we shared, just like that and move on. While she can do something like that, it also scares me how people can just seem to turn off their feelings like that and just proves to me more that it was not meant to be.
Personally, I don’t plan on taking up another long-term relationship ever again. I was dating my ex-gf for 2 years and we were only 1 HOUR apart and yet everything fell apart. I do believe that long-term relationships CAN work out, however, the odds are against them working out in the end.
*long-distance, not ‘long-term’.
haha……big difference there.
Hello all….the more i read on GPYP, the more i realise I can be on my own, and i can be strong. Everything I read is such an inspiration. I am the most passionate person I ever met…I put my heart and soul in to things I love and believe in…and only last week, I despised this about myself, purely due to the fact I felt so rejected. But NOW from reading all these blogs and articles, I am beginning to believe in myself, and actually like myself. I feel like I am smiling more, and rather than being sad all the time just cos one man wont appreciate me, I am starting to feel happier! and i have noticed that happy lottie attracts far more attention. The truth of the matter is; my ex made me feel so inadequate with his jealousy and anger, I became miserable, and lost everything that made me ME…..he says he still loves me BUT cant handle who I am….now I realise that cant be love at all…if he loved me he would accept all that is me…..KEEP strong. Everyone is worth being loved and appreciated :)
Good for you, Lottie! It’s so true what you say…it can’t be love if he can’t handle who you are.
A man who really loves you will adore you for who you are. Keep smiling! :)
Thanks Kathy…I will keep smiling…its GOOD FOR THE SOUL!…. and I am defiantely going to keep reading this site…i has helped me so much! as crazy as it sounds x
I have been reading the book, Co-dependant No More, recommend it. I have been journalling and listening to my inner voice. I get the understanding that LOVE is an action and not just a word. I will redirect that action of LOVE to myself for the time being, you can’t love another unless you truly love yourself. This site has truly been Godsend. I have learned so much more in the past month, than I have in years about being an authentic person. And I definitely get that I wasn’t ready for a healthy relationship yet.
My girlfriend ripped my heart from my chest and tore it to pieces. I treated her like a queen and would have done anything for her but I think she wants a “bad boy” that will treat her like crap and make her come to him. What is wrong with some people? She just stopped loving me all of a sudden. One day we were good and the next she was gone. I know I am a good person but she took my self-esteem and confidence when she walked away. I tried and tried to get her back but it only drove her farther away. I am so happy to have found this website. Reading it has given me strength in myself and the courage to just let go. She is not worthy of my love and I will find that woman someday that will love me completely. I have also entered into therapy. Come to find out, I am the 3rd guy she has sent to therapy. What a black-widow!! Anyway, thank you for your words and I will keep them close and keep up my self talk.
Being in a situation stinks.. This woman I loved called me her best friend, and told me she fell in love with our friendship. People have told her she was the happiest when we talked and the saddest when we were not. She told me she felt herself in front of me. I wanted to take this to a bf/gf relationship, and she was hung up on a few things. We don’t speak now, it’s too hard for me. I’m too old for a friendship with a woman. Just wanted to share, and this site helps. I miss her, it’s been 3 weeks already, and im trying hard to let go.
I have lived with unrequited love for a few years now. I tried absolutely everything to get over it but have not. I have to see this person frequently because we have a child together, but it was from a one night stand – he never loved me.
What has worked for me is to ACCEPT my feelings and CHOOSE TO BELIEVE they have had, and have a purpose.
I did the self-help stuff for years. It gave me knowledge but it did not give me power to change myself. I feel changed now by my faith in a loving higher power, which I CHOOSE to believe in (this part was important to me, because I don’t know if I really really believe it but choosing it gives me peace).
When I can act with spirituality in every day life, I am not worrying so much about my precious feelings all the time – my feelings used to be the God of my life and everything revolved around them. That is not the case anymore, thanks to my focus on seeking God’s will for me, and how I can be helpful and useful to other people… including the man I love.
I have peace today. I am no longer locked in the struggles and the constant self delusions. I can see and accept reality and hope that God has some plan for my romantic life.
And yeah!!!! “The bottom line is that you do not want someone who does not want you.” Absolutely, and that is about me and my values for what I want with a partner. I know that I do not love “halfway” so I want to be with someone who loves and values me as much as I do them.
That’s not reality with my unrequited love. So I love and care for him as a friend, and wish the best for him.
Yes it will probably hurt when he dates again (he chooses not to for his own reasons), but I have gotten through a lot of pain – I am sure I will get through that as well, and hopefully conduct myself the way I think God would want me to, or the way the woman I admire would act… which means, be happy for him (and her). The saying “act as if” comes to mind on that point.
Take care everyone… write me email if you like.
Hey…I love you guys, the enlightened, the journeyman, the clueless, and the self-aware nuts…All your posts are putting good energy into my universe (whether or not you realize it), and I deeply thank you for your insights and examples. I found this site from Googling “getting over an ex boyfriend” and I’ve sentenced myself to reading all the posts until my lessons are learned. May you all learn yours.
Welcome Nofear! This is a wonderful group of people! I have a No Fear tee shirt. I LOVE THE NAME!
[...] And then go back and do what I told you before: reject the rejector. [...]
For about a year, I’ve loved someone. And I think she loved me. But someone new has stepped into the picture, and she tells me that she has to take it. She says she still loves me. She says she hurts sometimes because she can’t decide who to choose or what to do. She hurts? What about me? She says I should date someone else, so that when we get married later in life, there are no hard feelings. One problem: I don’t have anyone else. She was the focus during our relationship. She has 2, maybe even 3 possible choices, and she says it hurts her? What about me and my 1 choice, her? She loses nothing, but I lose everything with this move. I try to talk to her about it, I tell her I’ll be more “quieter”, which was strange, for that was the first thing Susan posted under things someone should change about him or her self. She tries to make herself the victim. She gains sympathy with her friends. And it drives me crazy. I want to tell her friends that I’m not the crazy one, but if I did, I would appear crazy. I tell my friends the truth about everything that happens between me and her. She does not tell her friends the truth. I tell her how I feel, and whenever I have a geniune argument, she ignores it or pretends she didnt hear it. I always turn into the bad guy somehow. I never make her the bad guy, but whenever she feels that maybe she’s wrong, she says something to me that hurts. I ask myself if this is the girl I fell in love with, or is this someone else.
I hurt. My chest aches. My head bulges. My eye twitches. My mind severs. This is more than emotional pain: this is mental and physical. I have to be so strong, its hard to talk to someone calmly when they are irational. She feels half the pain I feel. She tells me I should take this as a man. As a man? I respect you. I never curse you. I don’t blame you. I don’t call you names. I listen when you speak. I held you when you cried. I always offered to pay for you. I never leave your side when we go in public. I do everything a good guy should do: and more.
And what happens? A new guy comes into the picture. You could never see it lasting, but you want to try. Go ahead and try. You say that you’ll probably be back. You tell me to just date someone else for a little while. You know what, maybe I will date someone else. But believe me, I won’t leave her when you come crawling back. I’ll find someone who isn’t perfect, but is perfect in the respect that they love me fully. I’m going to find the one of my life, not the one of this season. I want to call you names, but I know I shouldn’t. Stabbing someone back is never the answer. I’ll take this energy I have, and use it not for rage and revenge, but for love.
Thank you Susan. You took all the emotions I hold, and wrote them into words. It’s time for me to get that girl who is truly perfect.
I was heartbroken the last month over somebody (who I wanted so much to love me the same way. I tought I had gotten it, but she switched off instantly). I totally agree — “The Hell with Them” but without anger. This article has given me the path to follow and the strength to make sense of it all. Thanks Susan and all :)
Can someone outthere explain uncontrollable anger? Not anger with assult, but anger with a temper tantrum. It takes 2. But why does a person who normally rational, suddenly scream and shout and accuse and demand for 3 exhausting hours until they get what they want? Ok so I answer my own question to get what they want. But if they had articulated it clearly, that they were going to throw a temper tantrum until they got me do what they wanted , I would have just done it. What I wanted was for them to go away, so my hands wouldn’t shake and I could think, and then I would have done the task that could have easily have been done today.
Outrageous anger, where does it come from. Is there any hope of dealing with it, when confronted with it?
Wait what? THREE HOURS? Aftter 15 minutes I would have been gone.
And I imagine 15 minutes is being generous. ;)
Yes it was being generous by about 12 minutes. :)
Good post Daniel…. gave me some strength!
Mary, sounds like a side of the person that is only 3 years old. And I would have been so out of there in the first minute.
Daniel, sounds like something my roomate in college said about a guy, which I never thought was very good. She told him he was a “CD”- an investment she would take out if she needed it… Yuck. No having cake and eating it too.
I’ve been reading this site for the past few weeks and think it’s amazing. I was with who I thought was the love of my life for the past year and a half – left my fiance of 6 years for him (I know – maybe I deserve the pain I’m in now). From day one Mr. Perfect professed his undying love for me and talked about marriage and kids and I was the one trying to slow him down. I have never felt this way about anyone ever. I was stunned to find such a man – perfect in every way and he was in love with me! I was on cloud nine the entire 18 months. All of a sudden I sense things are not quite right in the last few months, and on Valentine’s day (yes, really) he said he needed space and time – not sure how he felt about me after all and not sure if ready to settle down, marriage and kids etc. I was devastated but said ‘fine’. For 11 days my heart was broken and it was then I found this site. After 11 days we got back together – he said he wanted to work things out, that he was sure he loved me and hoped we’d get married. I seriously questioned him obviously, but he convinced me. All was amazing again for about 2.5 weeks, then bam – I notice things are a little odd again, and when I ask him, he admits he’s not happy, worries that we’re incompatible, and says we want different things – he says he doesn’t think he is ready to settle down and doesn’t know if he will ever be while I seem to want to. I warned him that if we were breaking up again then that was it this time as I couldn’t keep taking this, and he wondered why we couldn’t just take more time, and did this really have to be it forever? I can’t keep taking this though so I left and 3 days later emailed him to ask for my house keys back (yes I know, supposed to be NC but I wanted him to realise that we were finito as I felt then that I too would realise it and hopefully start recovering). He emailed me back saying he’d returned my keys. Looks like he knows it’s over too. I thought I would die when I got his email. So cold, final and like from another person. I am beyond devastated, can’t leave the house, eat or sleep and can’t stop crying. I have never felt this awful. We also work together and me leaving my job is not an option so at this stage I see no end in sight to the torture I have to endure. I have read all of the relevant posts on this site and have found them so helpful, though I cry my eyes out throughout them all. Seriously – how can someone be madly in love with you for so long, talk all the time (him talking about it, not me) about getting married and having children with you (we had names picked out) and then do this? It makes no sense at all to me. I am 34 too and this is actually the first time in my entire life that I’ve been single. I am so worried that this is it, alone forever. 34 is not a good age to be single for the first time.
Beatrice,
Being single for awhile could be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Go back in your past to figure out why you didn’t want to get married and couldn’t
just be single then. It’s not about blame or self-flagellation. It’s about understanding
knowing yourself and your past better so that you can live well now.
Keep reading this blog–there is a lot that can be helpful to you now if you
want to do the full recovery.
take care!
Hi Kathy,
Thanks for the response and encouragement. I did want to marry this guy … badly … that’s the thing. We had both had dreams that we’d married each other. I just let him do the talking as I didn’t want to scare him off, and this was the first time I really wanted it, so I was afraid to jinx it. There is a lot of crap in my past, my childhood etc., but I dealt with it more or less fully as far as I’m aware. I agree it’s probably no harm to be single after not being so since age 17. Time to focus on me. I just am so in pain as I feel I’ve lost the love of my life. I was never as in love with anyone before and I just feel like I’m am physically, mentally and heart broken. If you mean why didn’t I want to marry the previous guy – well, frankly, despite being with him for years, I knew we weren’t right together and that I didn’t properly love him. In retrospect, he was my rebound from a relationship I was very cut up about.
Beatrice,
Spending time with yourself is really important now. If you hooked up with your ex-fiance
on the rebound from a difficult breakup, you could set yourself up to do the same thing
all over again. History has a way of repeating itself like that unless we learn from it.
I don’t know how well we can really know ourselves if we are always in a relationship,
jumping from one to another. Since you’ve not been alone since age 17, you probably
need at least 6 months to take another look at that crap from your past and to do
the relationship and life inventories Susan recommends. That’s a starting point at least.
You can search for them in the box on the right hand column of this page.
A good therapist could help you work through those inventories if you get stuck
or it feels scary.
Hi again,
Yes, good advice. Thanks. I can see in retrospect that it is a bit odd that I’ve never let myself be alone. I definitely don’t want history repeating itself! I will check out the inventories you mention. Hard to see any light at this stage though, I am tempted to say I don’t care what’s wrong with me, all I want is my boyfriend back! If there are any men out there maybe you can comment – how on earth does a guy go from talking about marriage and kids and being all about you, to dumping you? I am at a loss and miss him so much. It’s torture at night, I keep thinking how he’s probably out and meeting other girls … it really is torture.
I presume Kathy that you’ve been through the same hell at some point – it’s only been 5 days since we completely broke up. How long until I feel human?
I know it’s torture, Beatrice, believe me, I know. Yes, I’ve been through it. And more
than once. Everyone here has and everyone feels your pain, whether it’s recent or
distant pain for us. Most of us figured out there were signs that we were ignoring;
that rarely a breakup comes out of no-where. But sometimes it does seem to happen
that way. Read Susan’s post “When the person you love doesn’t love you.” It’s so
well written. It’s helped a lot of people here.
It takes as long as it takes, but how long can be largely determined by you and how you
work through the breakup (or not).
You’re in a great place for support and guidance. There’s also have an email support group;
see link to the right if you’re interested in that.
take good care of yourself!
Yes, have read people’s stories and can feel the pain. What’s worrying is how long it seems to take … some people are saying it’s over a year since their break-up and they are still in bits.
I just all of a sudden feel the clock ticking and never felt that way before. My boyfriend/ex was the one who made me want to have kids, wasn’t that interested before though I admit that’s cause I was with the wrong person. Same with marriage, not interested with previous boyfriend, now I am. I feel like 34 is exactly the wrong age to be going through this – 24 fine, but 34 … I literally feel the clock ticking and never, ever thought I’d end up as one of those women who are obviously desperately seeking a husband before their child-bearing years are over/slowing down.
Yes Susan’s post is brilliant. I have read it several times and it does help. I am willing to put time and energy into working on myself. I’m not convinced I need it though, I really do feel I dealt with everything already. However, am willing to give it a go and stay single for at least 6 months. I think a year would be better though. My friend asked me a couple of days ago if I was afraid of being on my own. I know never being out of a relationship must make it look like that, but I really don’t think it’s the case. It’s more about the misery I feel about losing this particular guy. Anyway, I’m going round in circles. I swear my brain has turned to cabbage the last few days.
Am doing the relationship inventory at the moment and will do the other one after. What will prolong the misery is working together. What a nightmare.
Thanks for your support
Susan,
Wow…I must say that this is a remarkable write up!!! When I read this, it feels as if you are in front of me speaking to me about exactly how I feel without me saying anything. I just want you to know that you are doing a tremendous job in saving people like myself from feeling rejected. You don’t know how many lives you probably may have saved from them just stumbling upon this site.
Thank you for this…I needed it…I will read this anytime I feel low to boost me up again and to remember to reject the rejection and rejecter..
Thank you so much!!!!
Beatrice.. it does take time.. I’m 9 months down the line and while some days are easier. .some days are really hard.. sometimes even someone mentioning his name (and hers) to me is enough to make me shake and sweat.. HOWEVER
it is getting easier and the more stuff I find to ‘put in’ dance, yoga, friends, films kids whatever.. the easier days are and I’m being true to myself.
I say like a mantra that he ‘didn’t belong in my world’ or I in his..
The important thing is this.. LIfe is so short.. I dont’ want to spend any more of it mourning something that was harmful to me!
I am done.. as of today. I feel a big shift and a surge of energy.. Seize the opportunity that being single gives you, to do your thing, dance to your tune and find out more about who you really are.. ANd then someone WILL appreciate you for that..
I’m still waiting for that to happen to me.. but meantime.. i’m having a good time!
Support and hugs
Abbyx
Not to actually rely on someone else to be happy, but it seems that you’ll truely 100% get over the other person when you really do meet the ‘right one’.
My ex girlfriend & I split over 3 months ago. I really struggled with all aspects of the break up – her moving out, mutual friends, plans for the future – what do i do next – searching for answers. everything. This affected my work life, social life & i felt myself falling into a pretty depressive state which isn’t like me at all. My personality was taken over by bad feelings of no self worth, self esteem took a battering & i honestly couldn’t see the woods for the trees at times. I tried everything from no contact to offering my friendship – each time i did this, it did nothing but increase the bad feelings – rejection after rejection. My ex was & still is very insecure & extremely selfish. Offering glimpses of hope through comments like “i do love you, i do want to be with you” etc etc. It just got to a point where i looked at myself in the mirror – i was broken by all of this & every part of me suffered because this 1 person preferred to use me & play her mind games. I realised that it was me & not her who was responsible for dragging this out. I was asking the same questions in the hope that the answers given would be different – then i just realised to stop asking the questions…simple. Its hard to see your life without this person but thats exactly what you need to do. My affirmations kicked in & even though I understand that this will take time before i can truly say i’m over it – I’ve realised that I’m a good person & my life will be better without her in it. To reject the rejector is very painful & hard at first – but until that is done you won’t be able to truly be happy with your life, ambitions & dreams. The confusion has lifted a lot recently & i can feel myself being happier day by day. It does take time but there’s things you can do to ease the pain & move on. Thanks so much for the guidance in these posts.
Best wishes.x
joe-
You also summed up how I was when things ended with my ex. It is tremendous to hear that you have came to the realization. I also foolishly misinterpreted what she said to her favor in hopes of some type of reconcile. It took me 4 months to finally snap out of it.
Give yourself a pat on the back for recognizing this even sooner !
Absolutely brilliant post! Blunt and to the point. WHY WOULD I EVER WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT WANT ME — for any reason? I just realized I don’t. Cry a few tears, call some friends, and get out there and create a whole new life.
Great website. Never knew it existed until yesterday. I have spent many hours reading posts and I thank all those that are sharing and giving great advice.
I need help with an issue of my own please.
I just got dumped last week from a relationship I was in for close to 1 1/2 years. This came as a shock to me and it seemed to follow a pattern found in all 4 long term relationships I have been in that have lasted anywhere from 1 1/2 to 5 years.
It seems that at some point in these relationships I do something wrong. It’s never the same thing. It’s never something serious like cheating or abuse. Just something wrong. Always something different in each relationship. Usually something that isn’t repeated. I then get told what I did wrong but no matter what I do I can never live it down, defend myself of it, be forgiven, change it, or make it go away. As a side note, I am the opposite kind of person that forgets things people do to me and sometimes has to dig deep to even recall them from the past.
So then eventually, they bring up the issue over and over again they don’t let me live it down no matter what I do and eventually I get dumped. All four times it has been a shock to me and all but one, in which there were children from the relationship, the women are like completely done with me and want nothing to do with me including giving the relationship another try. In fact, things seemed to be going fine even up to a day before I get dumped, including being told they love me, them acting happy, even once where I was told by the woman they wanted to spend the next 30 years with me. Everything seemed to be fine. It’s unreal.
Then a fight about something unrelated occurs, the problem gets thrown in my face again, I try to defend myself or even just keep my mouth shut, and then it’s over.
What am I doing wrong? It’s too the point now where I can just tell that an issue that arises is going to be the issue I get pounded for, there’s no way I’m going to live it down, and it’s going to break us up.
I have seen no other posts about this and will provide more info if needed.
I appreciate any help anyone could provide. Thanks.
DS,
Yes, this is a great site, and Susan’s advice will save you. She’s definitely been there herself and has helped me and many others learn how to work through the pain and self-doubt and keep going until we can arrive at a great new life. Keep reading, OK? I feel for you with regard to your encountering the same situation over and over again. Sounds like something (maybe from your past?) that you keep trying to fix. (I think just about everyone here has done that.) It’s hard to offer anything helpful without more info. Is there maybe a general heading for the kind of problem you usually encounter in a relationship?
Very sorry about your breakup. Sending good thoughts to you tonight.
[...] It doesn’t matter if he is rebounding or really in love. Have you read this post: When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You? [...]
Susan,
Susan,
I have been following this thread for quite a long time now. I read this one as a source of energy always when I feel low. Thanks to you for the wonderful support you have been in this worst phase of my life.
To be honest, I had never been in this situation in my life and this is the first unfortunate time that I thought to be in a relationship ending up with the total blank world with the Rejection I met.
The story is, I had been moving very closely with one of my friend(a beautiful lady) and saw a beautiful relationship building. I had a nice thought of taking it a step ahead and asked for it. Its an easy guess to make what happened for that decision of mine as I am here in this thread. After that were the miserable days I went through and all that.
Now that I am in a position to look back bravely for what I have done after I have been rejected. I feel its worth taking you acknowledgment to know that, I have not been sinful to me or to her with my decisions which originally I got from you.
Here I go, After the rejection, I continued to be her friend (Best friend as she described it) and went for a real long month and some more time, But the end of that she was not really a friend to me, but was dream of my life. Strong I pushed for my feeling, way she kept rejecting me. So, spite of having a good friendship, I decided to move away from her. I stopped talking/chatting/mailing/visiting her. Initially she had some inertia to break this friendship, but it didn’t really matter to her as much as it did to me. Was I wrong? The reason I am asking you is, Did I have a chance and missed it?
Now that, its been a long time I interacted with her, She would merely remember me, But I am still with the same love and carving for her, I still miss her as much as last month may be a little less. Where am I heading? Will I ever be with the light heart which would not ache when I hear her name or I remember her?
Any of your suggestions will be rules for my well being.
Thanks in advance.
I am so disappointed in myself!!!!! I was doing fine with NC and I was listening to my IPOD today and got sad…and I text my EX!!! I said…SO—are we never going to talk again? DUH!!!! He didn’t answer my last message, why would he answer this one??….I haven’t actually spoken to him in almost 3 months. I guess I just want to feel like I mattered! I have been going to therapy and this site has been helping…but I have very weak moments and I still feel like I am in Denial. I was thinking of sending his mom a mother’s day card…NO! I cannot believe I text him that! He just does not respond anymore! In the past—we would break-up and I would always hear from him by now…This is the longest it has ever been. I think THAT is what is scaring me. HOW could he not even acknowledge me?? We were in each others loves for 4 years! I feel like he thinks if he ignores me long enough–I’ll go away! It is torture for me! Such a setback!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry to say this Jen but it sounds like youre thinking you’re going to get back together because you say this is scaring you.
It sounds like its final for him.
He probably does think that if he ignores you long enough you will go away. He doesnt want to talk to you. What is there to talk about?
Jen, you need yourself right now. Be good to you! Put your energy into yourself and your good friends. Do your best to put him behind you. You are your number one priority. It’s time to grow far beyond that old, worn-out shoe.
Serenity and Rana…
You are both right, I know. It is just so much easier said than done for me. I have believed this “man” for 4 years and each time we break up and get back he promises that it is forever…blah blah blah! I ALWAYS hear from him eventually…That is “our thing”…I know it is toxic and I guess I wasn’t being true to myself this whole time….but for some strange reason I was OK with it… Maybe I wasn’t truly ready for a serious relationship after my husband passed away 5 years ago…but this rejection and complete dissolution from my life is hard to swallow. He was my band-aid on a horrible situation and that is why I am scared for it to be final… I am scared of the emptiness and question of the future… I KNOW I have to put my past behind me AGAIN—I guess it is necessary to finally move on and find a healthy relationship that will fulfill me…I am more mad at myself that I became so defpendent of this to function …A phone call or a text would make or break my day. A weekend with him was like the highest high and if he didn’t call or was M.I.A. my day was ruined! Where did I lose myself??? His not responding is a pattern…this is what he does…Why am I so shocked?? I feel shut out and like I never mattered! UGH!
Yes, yes, yes. I had some similarities in my situation. Remember he was a BANDAID. It helps me to think about what I *really* miss.
Think about your husband when you feel the urge to call that guy. What would your husband have said? He’d want you to be happy and healing, right?
Do you have a therapist? Have you done grief work about that original relationship? Kathy has reminded me that not having finished my grieving before I went into the last lousy relationship may be why I’m still fighting attachment to a jerk.
Jen,
Since my ex-ex is still in my life, and helping me get over this as a friend, I’ll tell you what *he* said and perhaps you could imagine that some of those words were in the mouth of that person *you truly* loved.
“He’s an asshole. Forget about him. Put him out of your mind.”
:D
Serenity…Thank you Thank you Thank you! I will replay those words whenever I feel like I am geting weak. Yes, I have a therapist…She is helping me on the past loss at this time. I agreee with you 100%. I need to get past that to let go of the fantasy with the jerk!!!!!!!!! I am so glad I found this site to help me in the rough times. I am feeling weak this month b/c there are a ton on “events” coming up that I was supposed to attend including his Masters graduation, weddings, etc. It hurts that I have been excluded from everything with the people I have been close with for years. Double dose of rejection:(
Susan,
Thank you for the great site!
I have a very real problem ending my marriage. I am 57 years old and my husband of 11 years told me almost 3 months ago he wanted a separation, maybe a divorce.
We have maintained 2 homes throughout our marriage, never really cohabitating, which has been a major problem for me and lead to many arguments and insecurities on my part. He always said when I complained about not really living together that I can stay at his house whenever I want, not seeming to understand how important having a home together is for me. (He has told me more than once if we lived together we would have been divorced a long time ago). But then sometimes I wonder if I am the one with the commitment issue, otherwise why would I have stayed in this type of relationship.
My husband is very intense and does not communicate on an emotionally supportive level, if I feel emotional about something he does not want to hear it, he blames me for the break down of the marriage, that I have anger/depression problems and all I want to do is fight. He is in denial about being verbally abusive to me over the last few years and I believe he has projected his anger from the bad relationship with his mother onto me, in the mean time I feel a little crazy, trying to ignore his negative opinions about me, and feeling rejected, abandoned and wondering if I am trying to win him over due to the relationship I had with an unavailable father.
He says he wants to remain separated, not sure if or when he wants a divorce that this separation is what will tell him if he wants to get back with me or not and if I can’t handle the situation go ahead and file for divorce.
We have kept in contact every week or so throughout the 3 months for various ‘reasons’, furniture/things going back to the others house, our dogs, seeing if we can get along, acting as if we could be friends, but it feels like he is becoming even more distant and it’s just been an emotional roller coaster because every time we see each other I recycle and I feel like a little insecure puppy waiting for a bone, and at my age yet…embarrassing.
Living in limbo is increasingly making me nuts, I feel totally confused and at his mercy, unable to communicate with him, I feel I have no power of my own(victim), and cannot come to terms with why I just can’t seem to end it on my own.
I have been going to a group that studies the Course in Miracles, working on ego issues and trying to learn to love and accept myself, and your approach to rejection and unhealthy relationships makes alot of sense to me.
My loss, grief, confusion and accepting that I am with someone who really doesn’t care about me is almost more that I can handle, any advice would be so appreciated, I always feel a little better reading your posts….thank you.
Kaffied,
I suggest you re-read your post….deeply, seriously, and honestly….answers to some of your questions are inside your own post.
You are at his mercy because you allow it. You have placed yourself in the victim role.
Why did you continue to live in separate homes for 11 years? Why didn’t you move in with him? You said that living together was important to you and that he said you could stay at the house with him…..so why didn’t you?
Why did you stay if he was verbally abusive to you?
You need to ask yourself what you want in this life and then go about getting it. You need to care about yourself….waiting for someone else to care about you is not the answer to anything. If you don’t care enough about you to respect and take care of yourself, how can you expect anyone else to do it?
Try going no contact (NC) with your ex….this means not contacting him “every week or so) and work on just figuring yourself out.
Good luck!
Everything you say is true ‘Nese, I know I have a lot of work to do.
Loving, repecting, and caring for myself is long overdue.
kaffied,
I was in a verbally abusive marriage for 3 years. It erodes your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your self-will. That gradual erosion of self happens over time. And the thing about abuse – any abuse – is that it’s usually intermittent. And, the abuser does some nice things and tells you flattering things in between: that’s often the hook that keeps the “victim” in the abuse dynamic.
I believe abuse is a form of brainwashing. And just as the brainwashing doesn’t happen overnight, so the recovery from it doesn’t either.
The main thing is to nurture yourself. You deserve to be listened to and to be soothed. Too often, we who HAVE been victimized by abuse continue to victimize ourselves by blaming ourselves for remaining in the abuse.
There will be plenty of time to look at your own stuff. But, for now just know that the abuser IS responsible for the abuse — not the victim. Why you stayed is a separate issue!
Don’t blame yourself for staying. DO learn what you can about the dynamic of abuse, and the subtlety that often exists in verbal and emotional abuse. Learn how the victim is blamed by the perpetrator and often by society after that.
You don’t want to stay in an abusive situation. Abuse never stops: it just becomes more varied, frequent, or intense. That you can count on.
Nurture yourself, kaffied. Listen to your feelings: let them be your guide.
A book that helped me to understand verbal abuse is The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.
Take care.
Seeif
Jen,
I can completely relate to your posts from yesterday… yes… I too have been totally addicted to that make/break cycle… so dependent on something from him to make or break my day….it was awful to discover that that was part of being codependent …I had no clue.
I’m sorry it’s over for you guys…. but it is… Please focus on yourself (for he won’t and hasn’t….and yeah, unfortunately his actions also show that you don’t matter to him anymore… I’ve experienced the same from my ex and it stings every day)… and build yourself back.
Be strong. Take care…
Seeif,
Thank you for coming along and hearing me and for so well expressing how I feel and for understanding the dynamics of verbal abuse. This is EXACTLY what I have been going through.
I will not respond to the question of why I stayed, the answer is in the dynamics of the verbally abusive relationship and if you haven’t been through it…well, we already blame ourselves enough!
I have read Patricia Evans book which helped me identify what my husband was doing, by the time I read the book it had been happening over many years and so subtlely and intermittently and as you say with ‘hook’s’ in between that I was deeply confused, and so into self-blame that I couldn’t believe what was happening or how effective he had been at convincing me that everything was my fault…how could this man who had been so sweet and loving be this person???(there where subtle signals…tho’ I made the ‘recquisite’ excuses) It must be my fault.
Then one day, last year after weeks of more intensified verbal assaults and him kicking down my front door because I told him I was not interested in going anywhere with him if he could not treat me with respect, then him subsequently blaming me for him kicking down my door, it actually dawned on me that I had become totally ineffectual, without self-esteem or self-confidence, frozen in this bad marriage and not knowing how to get out.
I am a college educated professional, in verbal abuse I became lost and codependent. Although not good with boundaries I had always tried to stand my ground with him, which challenged his control over me and always lead to arguments and more verbal abuse, but I felt stuck, afraid to leave, so I gained 40 pounds, I felt hurt all the time, unloving and unloved, so, unconsciously I was asking/begging him to leave me and that is exactly what happened, so now dealing with abandoment and rejection…I should be glad, right???
Actually, I believe this was supposed to happen, I have stuff to work on all tied in with my childhood and not loving or respecting myself and I was becoming a recluse in many ways, feeling shame, without many friends, my pain has forced me to reach out, so, I am gradually feeling better, getting out, meeting new people, going to my church fellowship, only being around family/people I feel value me, exercising every day, reading self-help, reading this blog, and going NC. I still have a hard time not blaming myself, and feeling weak because of his bad opinions of me and total lack of concern for me, part of the brainwashing that I have the hardest time overcoming.
I now tell myself, his opinion of me is none of my business and that helps and I finally comprehend that my husband is a self-absorbed bully, and coward who will never be able to love, respect, emotional support, or even like me and that is an indication of his lack not mine, but this understanding was hard in coming and I still have days of self-doubt and I haven’t filed for divorce yet, or told him this is what I am going to do, so that is the next uncomfortable step, but I can finally say, with relief, I have divorced him in my mind. Yeh!
Today is a beatiful sunny day and I am off for my walk…
Thanks for listening! I always appreciate any constructive insights and am very grateful for Susan and her blog!
Kaffied,
Please do not think that in any of my posts that I was being critical of you. I do understand the dynamics of abuse (having been verbally and emotionally abused for years). The question I posed was meant to be more rhetorical…..we must come to a point where we ask ourselves why….the why being: why do I allow this in my life; why is this happening, etc. We need to know where we come from, where the wounds are and then make a decisions towards change progress. I’m in the middle of this myself right now.
It isn’t an easy road and please do not think for one minute I was admonishing you for staying……on the contrary, I understand. But someone who would kick down your door and blame you for his bad behavior reminds me of a drunk husband who grabbed me by the throat and the next day apologized but with a disclaimer that I pissed him off (as if that made for a rationalization). Yet, I stayed for a long time after.
It looks like you have insight into your “whys” identifying with childhood stuff. More work comes with how to change how we treat ourselves and how we let others treat us.
I wish you all the best. Really!
Anna…
Its comforting to know other people have been on the same rollercoaster ride as I have been! It is hard to get off. I have been used to the ride always starting up again at his convenience and I was always there! I will work on myself more and I know I am worth more than this. THANK YOU for the kind words and support! I have weak moments—But I feel a little stronger and I KNOW what the right thing to do is…its just refraining from the stupid things we do in those weak moments…:(
‘Nese,
Thank you for taking the time to clarify, I am feeling a little raw, so I appreciate it!
My walk was great…there is nothing like a pretty, sunshiney day~
Wishing everyone peace on their road to wholeness.
Hi,
Thanks for all the postings, just reading them makes me feel a little bit better inside, because all of you are going through
the same dismay and pain that I feel.
I appreciate you telling your stories.
kaffied,
You seem much farther along in your understanding of verbal abuse than I was when I was married. If my husband hadn’t had an affair and asked me for a divorce, I’m not sure when I would have left. As it was, it was only after my separation, and when my ex and I were in a judge’s chamber with our respective attorneys and respective restraining orders (both of us wanted to live in our house), that I blurted out, “I have been verbally abused,” that I understood what I’d endured. It was 1990 and physical abuse was still underwraps and I’d never ever heard of the term “verbal abuse”. It certainly wasn’t being called a form of domestic violence where I lived. (Even today I hear women and men say things like “he or she has never hit me” despite being pummeled by emotional and verbal abuse — to the point of suicide.)
A couple of things… I can totally relate to not having many friends. I know now that part of the control an abuser exercises is to gradually and systematically isolate the victim from family and friends… justifying it by saying things like they “need” you, or that you are neglecting them. At the end of my relationship, my ex was monitoring my phone calls to my sister whom he claimed to like. But that’s the insanity of abuse… there’s nothing rational about it.
Also, that you are a college educated professional is irrelevant. Abuse is like alcoholism, it cuts across race, class, ethnicity, religion, and sexual orientation… it does not discriminate. It has nothing to do with intelligence. In fact, I’d go as far to say that it’s even more difficult to figure out. Especially, if your abuser is also intelligent and using his or her education to deny it.
Unfortunately, there were no abuse ed classes in my high school or college. Plus, I personally feel that the one-up and one-down dynamic in so many families and work situations, is such that verbal abuse has become accepted as the norm. And, because of that people often “explain it away” because they are putting up with it themselves:feeling bad, feeling shame but seeing that it’s not too different for others. Maybe this view is controversial, but this is what I’ve come to believe.
One last word about “it can’t happen to me”. Or that only certain classes or uneducated people suffer from physical or verbal abuse… that’s the great silencer! that’s the myth that keeps us from breaking the silence… And keeps victims from finding each other: hearing each others’ stories.
What I’ve learned is even if I’m the ONLY one who believes me and trusts my perceptions — that is ENOUGH! Only I need to believe me… no one else needs to validate my perceptions. My validation is enough.
Since you’ve read Patricia Evans’ book, you know that she urges you to listen to your feelings not the words of the abuser. It sounds like you’re doing that, kaffied.
You inspire me. You have a lot of courage to keep believing what you know about yourself and what’s going on in your marriage.
Each of us has our own timetable. You will do what you need to do when you need to. However, I often compare being in the presence of abuse — whether with family or friends or coworkers — that it’s like being exposed to radiation. You may not die immediately, but each exposure weakens you. Eventually, you will die. Or your spirit will die. For that reason, I say I cannot afford to be exposed at all. I do not want to die a slow painful death. I want to live: with my spirit vital and in tact.
You already are listening to your inner voice by reading about verbal abuse and by telling GPYP your story. And you may have helped a as yet voiceless reader here.
YOU HAVE BROKEN THE SILENCE! That was the hardest part for me.
Take care. And thanks so much for sharing your story.
Seeif
Seeif,
Thank you, your post affects me deeply…sweet dreams!
This blog has been very helpful to me, because it hits really close to home.
My girlfriend of 10 years suddenly wanted to separate. I didn’t see it coming, as we have been best friends and lovers for so long. She moved away recently for a job, and I was supposed to go there to join here within a few months. We were both really excited about our careers taking off, and looking forward to marriage someday soon.
Lately, she was under a lot of pressure from her parents to leave me, because they never approved of me. I consider myself a successful professional, but I was in school for longer than most, and I’m neither a doctor or lawyer so I don’t have as much to show yet, though I know it is well on its way. Still, nothing would satisfy her parents except what they had idealized for their daughter. My ex always defended me vigilantly and believed in me, so I always thought she would choose me.
Initially when she wanted to separate, she said because we don’t have the support of our families it wouldn’t work, but when I kept fighting for her, she said she wasn’t in love with me. That cut me open like nothing else, I was broken and completely out of my mind for a few weeks. All my hopes and dreams built up over 10 years flushed down the toilet, and for what reason? I loved her so much, and I know she loved me.
I’ve had a very difficult time letting her go, and I didn’t give up easily. I started to feel humiliated and ashamed of myself for begging and pleading. I know I deserve better, and I gave her everything I had. I can’t believe she could do this to me. It’s been around a month and a half now, and every day I’m making progress, but I still get choked up about this, because I don’t know how to turn off my feelings. I still love her, and I find myself trying to fantasize about dating someone else because I want to prove to myself that I can love someone else other than her. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to truly love anybody else. It is scary to think that, so I really hope I can get over this and try to date someone else because I do want to live my life and not live in the past.
Don,
It’s a big shock still for you. Know that you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. You are lovable and worthy. She isn’t the one for you if she can walk away. Just take it slow, feel your feelings and believe in the process you’ve embarked on. It hurts so bad, we all know it, and you’re so raw from it all. It’s normal how you feel but the answer to the pain isn’t ignoring it or replacing that gapping hole with someone else, it’s a loss that you can honor. Just keep reading here and know this is safe place of much understanding. Be gentle with yourself, nuture the wounds, don’t pick at them.
Don bro it’s still early. Let yourself have your feeling. Grieve and don’t worry abot future relationships. take it slow.
Thanks for your kind words Cat and J.A.T.
Each day is a struggle to get through. Ever day I can’t wait until I get home so I can be in private, lock my door, and not worry about managing conversations and peoples expectations. I just want to mope around for a while.
This blog and the people who frequent it have been very helpful. I revisit to read Susan’s posts several times a day to help me keep perspective.
Susan,
It just blows my mind how much sense you make. I was in a situation with a girl that I really committed emotionally to a year ago and, though she seemed initially interested, she became very wishy-washy about what could happen between the two of us because we were both applying for more grad school and she had moved away from the city we were both living in at the time. However I was crazy about her and I didn’t want to give up because I thought guys weren’t supposed to give up if they believed that they really liked the girl. Unfortunatley not giving up took a huge emotional toll on me and I would basically acquiesce to every opportunity to see her or talk to her. I had thought that every opportunity was a chance to get her to change her mind about me. I just couldn’t quit because I felt like she wasn’t committing to me for sensible reasons (i.e. it was going to be a long distant relationship that could get even longer if we moved to grad schools in cities far away from each other). But I would get her to fall for me if I was just persistent and she would drop some of her “sensible reasons” because she would become crazy about me.
Boy was I completely blind. I think she let me continue my pursuits because she found me entertaining. However there were just moments when it was clear to me that she did not have any real interest in me. Unfortunately this became more and more clear as she was beginning to trust me more as a friend and just a friend. Then one morning as I was driving back from visiting her in the city that she lived in, I realized that I was going down the wrong path. It was hard to let her go but I let her go slowly and there were points when she still had opportunities to say and show me how much she valued me. That just didn’t happen. Her only response was, “Just drop your feelings for me so we can just be friends. Can you please just do that for me?” As if those feelings could just be turned off like a light switch. That was definitely the full breaking point.
Ever since the day I called her to tell her that I just didn’t want to have what we had anymore because she was never going to figure it out, that decision has felt like one of those right decisions that you hate making. Her and I have not talked for half a year now and will probably never talk again. Reading this column has made me feel good really good about the decisions that I made. I’ve always know them to be the right decisions but this column has made the reasoning much more clear. Thank you very much.
And I have to say Susan, you write in a logical way that any guy can easily grasp on to.
XC
Thank you XC! Welcome to the blog. Glad you are here!
[...] think the most helpful info was what Azucena point out from Getting Past Your Past about what to do when the person you love doesn’t love you.” The thing I took from that post was that if she doesn’t love me then I need to move on. But I [...]
Im 27 and its been 7 weeks since my partner left me. He has a history of panic/commitment issues and has trained himself to cut himself off from his feelings so that he can just go cold all of a sudden. When we were together he was fine, he had been in counselling and i thought that because he could articulate his problems we were fine. Silly me. One day he came in and WHAM it was over.
Anyway, through all this pain, anxiety, fear and general all comsuming feelings of unbearable hurt i have somehow managed to look back over my past two relationships.
The first was from when i was 16 – 22, we were more friends than anything deeper and i knew after the first two years that i did not want a future with him. We (by that i mean i) kept it going cos it was comfortable. I only really let go when i got the chance to move and do my masters. I let it go when it suited me, not before. Instead of mourning it, i jumped into my fab new life. I felt anxiety but i put that down to the move and struggled through to have a fab year.
The second was a short but intense thing when i was 23. He was nice but it never really had a future. He ended it and i cried for a few days then went into rebound overload until i was ‘over it’
Since then i have only dated for fun, i actually used the term ‘disposable men’ to describe the only men i would date, often more than one at the same time. It was about the ego boost. A different guy every few weeks, some meant more than others but nothing touched me.
Last year i started to want more, i had been messing around for about two years by then. I stayed away from disposable men and worked on travelling, progressing at work and spending time with friends etc.
By the time i met my most recent ex i thought i was in the best possible place.
Now that its over though, i think im dealing with alot of unresolved grief that i’ve never let out before. I have never cried this much in my life, i have never lost weight like this and i have never lost myself like this before. My friends used to call me ‘balls of steel’ and now whenever i speak to them i just want to cry.
I journal alot, i take breaks by listening to audio books (im a sci-fi geek at heart), i try to talk to people, i have kept NC, i have started doing some charity work, i read this website and i try very hard to reflect and give me heart a voice throughout this.
I just never expected it to be so hard. Its so hard to keep going when you have so little hope it will ever get any better.
I applaud everyone going through this, your stories keep me going through the days when i can’t do it for myself.
Hint of red x
Susan,
Thank You so much for this video! I watch it every time I find myself splitting/confused…and it just helps me clear my head and bring the focus back to myself!
Thank you so much!
Susan,
I was unexpectedly dumped just as I was starting to recover from a month of being sick and in and out of the hospital, and a medical with draw from a semester at school. Basically, one of the most difficult parts of my liife. The day before leaving me, he told me he wanted to marry me. Then, the next days, he tells me he hasn’t been in love with me for the past four months of our relationship. What the heck?! How could someone be that dishonest?! (I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HOW YOU TALKED ABOUT PEOPLE BEING IN THEIR OWN CRAZY WORLD!) I was kicked out of the apartment that night, forced to give up a job close to school and move back home, and pull my life together right then and there.
We had a lot of plans, and I find myself struggling this very minute. I am sitting here in Florida feeling sorry for myself. My 17 year old brother and his girlfriend are cuddling across from me, and oddly enough, they celebrating their one year anniversery (puppy love, I guess). My ex was supposed to be here with my family and I. I was supposed to be cuddling with him, giving him the promise ring, walking with him hand and hand down the beach, and riding Splash Mountain with him in Disney World. Didn’t happen.
Its crazy how nothing is gauranteed and how full of crap people can be. I sometimes wonder whats wrong with me. I am very glad I found your website. Its helped me feel a lot better to reassure myself that even though I am hurt, I am going to be ok. Its hard when you have so many memories and thoughts about what should have been. I appreciate you getting it into my head that things change. AND this wass for the best.
Thank you for making me feel alittle bit better!
Cole
My ex leaving me has really cut into some old issues that i thought i was over. I think that if you have low self-esteem, when the person you love doesn’t love you back, there is some part of that which feels right and makes moving on even harder.
I remember that when my ex left me, part of me felt like ‘of course he would, he is so much more better looking/sucessful/charismatic etc’ than you.’ These thoughts make it really hard to ‘reject the rejector’ inside my head.
Outside my head i have been tough when it comes to him, i have been the one to sort to our stuff out, ask him not to contact me, stopped responding to texts etc. Back inside my head, i think some part of me will always expect the person im with to leave/not love me back cos part of me doesn’t feel good enough. I need to work on that, im aware of it and thats the first step.
This all came as a real shock to me, i always thought i was tough tough tough. For the most part i am, this has just tapped into something which the universe is obviously telling me to deal with.
Just thought i would share as it came as a bit of a revelation to me. Like one of Susan’s posts says on here – pain takes away the mask and leaves you with you (or something like that)
Hint of Red x
Susan I dont know if I did this right ..I cant find my comment that I posted yesterday
hello Susan,
I just wanted to thank you for your article. I was online and searching for answers to my situation; and your article really helped me tremendously. I was struggling with feelings of resentment, anger, pain and rejection. A person I had once a had a loving relationship had left; but it seemed that all along he controlled when we were and werent together and in the end he was still controlling the situation. I realized that eventhough we still talked he never called back when he said he was, and there just wasnt a relationship with him anymore in any way. Where there was once everything; there was not absolutely nothing at all. His words were always deceitful; there was never any direction, shape or form to the “connection”. And never any plans for tomorrow. All conversations with him left me feeling unsure and empty. Never really knowing what was going on at all. I decided today to take charge of my situation; and instead of trying to rebuild something that had no definition…to work on seperating from a person who was rejecting me for whatever reasons. I know longer cared what the reasons were; i wanted emotional health; and this was my first move in that direction.. Your article was excelleng and the video was my first step in my healing process. Stop holding onto the past when it cant take you anywhere but down a dark road. Let go of anyone who doesnt see or doesnt want to see your value and worth. Today is the first day that I will openly and confidently REJECT THE REJECTOR.
Thank you again Susan
I just wrote something for the first time yesterday. It was on the anniversary page. I was doing OK. Now, I got punched in the stomach. Tonight, I was out listening to live music in town and saw him. He had a ring on. He never wore jewelery. No, it can’t be. She shows up. She has a ring on too. I shouldn’t be so surprised. They have lived together for a year now.
On two occasions he asked me to marry him. He always asked when things were not going well for us. I couldn’t figure that out. So I declined both times. It was just something he blurted out without much thought. Then after he said he really did want to marry me.
Now he is married to her. Deep deep inside, I still had the fantasy that he would want to get back together with me. I have never stopped loving him. I can’t believe this.
When he broke up with me 2 years ago, it was days before I took my kids on a little vacation. Not a very happy vacation. Tomorrow, I am leaving on a vacation again with my kids. How ironic is that?
I feel SO Bad right now.
Jackie,
I’m so sorry you are hurting. The reality of the situation is hard but you can do this. This is your chance to really move forward with your life. I hope you can enjoy vacation with the kids. Sending hugs!
Arrrgghghg, this is the blog, which I should have found AGES ago – it speaks to be, through me. I was on the verge of writing ANOTHER email to my hopefully-soon-to-be ex husband, pleading for understanding, after I have been rejected so often already. I just want to explain ONE MOR TIME why….etcAlthough I know the TOOL: : focus on yourself, be good to you, writeing in a journal, reading appropriate literature, attend meetings where people with similar problems share etc. I sometimes manage NOT to feel like the victim, and I often fall back into: where did I go wrong, can we not at least be friends….—He was an alcoholic, he went into rehab after long long years of drinking (12-15?), he started drinkin again after 8 months, I pulled through my bottom line : seperation, he left, ….got sober and has a new love in his life! He states that “its FINE with me that you and the kids (2 adolescents) stay in the house…I found a new job in another city, 1500 km further….” Do you pple know what I OFTEN (not always) feel like: old, fat and ugly;). No, seriously, just damn damn sad and lonely!
Susi:
I too have had my share of relationships with alcoholics – both romantic partners and many family members, so I KNOW, I’ve FELT almost all of what you are going through.
And you are absolutely right – by focusing on yourself, doing your own work – journaling, reading, and letting yourself feel your feelings – AND getting support from people who KNOW where you’ve been and are supportive of you taking care of yourself (like any of the support groups you mentioned about – including Al-Anon who helps support you even AFTER you are no longer in contact with the alcoholic because believe me you still need that support even after they are gone) is the ONLY way you will be able to come through this. There is no short cut, no way to jump ahead to the end. The only way out is truly through…
Also, I just want to say based on my past experience (what I saw in just my family alone) I am SO HAPPY that the universe has given you an opportunity to make a better life for you and your kids versus what you’ve already been living!
Though it may not feel this way now, there is a FREEDOM that comes with not being involved in the dance of addiction with your soon-to-be ex husband. No more worrying about his drinking and what he’ll do when he is drinking. No more not dealing with the reason issues can’t be resolved because he’s managed to twist everything around to be your fault. No more feeling helpless and hopeless because no matter what you do it isn’t good enough; doesn’t make a difference. Believe me there is true FREEDOM in that; a freedom that helps you start to realize that it is YOUR CHOICE TO NO LONGER LIVE IN THAT INSANITY OF ADDICTION.
And as far as your soon-to-be ex’s new relationship and job change – look I know and BELIEVE what people say on this blog – what ever is going on with him, IT DOES NOT MATTER. It is NOT about you. His behavior – be it getting a job further away or rushing into a new relationship when he hasn’t spent enough time in recovery – is NOT a reflection of YOU or YOUR KIDS worth. It is a direct reflection of him and what he is capable of.
You and your children DESERVE to have someone who can be present in your lives. An alcoholic is NOT capable of that because they aren’t capable of even being there for themselves (very sad). You and your children DESERVE to have a life full of peace and happiness – and with this break-up you are being given that chance, a chance to CREATE THE LIFE YOU ALL TRULY WANT AND DESERVE, on a silver platter. It is up to YOU to choose it.
It will not be easy or feel good – but involved with an alcoholic for years you already know what hard and painful feels like. But if you make that choice and do the work, you’ll find yourself in a place far better than you ever could have imagined. I’ve seen it happen for other people and KNOW it can happen for you and your kids too. Just believe and take the next right step for you :)
Lots of hugs,
SmilingAngel
SmilingAngel
are you an angel ;) I haven’t heard such kind words in an a very long time – thank you! Everything you write makes sense…and theoretically I KNOW what I must do and how to do it – so why don’t I do it? What Velcro grips me? How stupid can one be? How can I STILL hope, after all I’ve learnt and all I know and all I experienced and still experience? Why can’t I let go? Many ppl deal with this grief, what is wrong with me? I subconsciously knew that this marriage was doomed so long ago – I live seperately for 1 year and 7 months now. What am I afraid of? Maybe its also part of midlife crisis, 52 years old, how and where will I ever meet another male human being? Someone who can stroke my hurt ego? And, you know, on the other hand I could not agree more – I should look forward to the freedom that lies ahead. One thing is chrystal clear to me – his non-committal, non-loving feelings towards me, will never change – he is also still angry with me that I EXPOSED his alcoholism. And he will never ever forgive me for that. At the moment he tries to prove to society and the world that he very capable of living his life happily, sober, without me, of course… and that he is ‘looking forward’, not backwards.
I like the ‘Reject the Rejecter’ slogan and I will practice ‘reject’ now, starting by No Contact – Heavens – its so difficult not to put my poisonous thoughts into an e-mail.
Susi:
Please don’t take this as condescending because it is not meant that way. That said…I’m so proud of YOU!!!
Do you even realize what you wrote above? You KNOW what you need to do. You KNOW that he will NEVER CHANGE. YOU DECIDED to go NC. ALL of this DEMONSTRATES that you are on the road to HEALING YOURSELF. That is HUGE!!!
I know that it would be so much “easier” to just get through all the emotions at once – just fast forward if you will. But unfortunately true healing doesn’t work that way. All any of us can do in the moment we are in is to take the next healthy step forward. So if that means just acknowledging where you are right now at this moment and deciding what the next right step is, then that is what you do.
It is okay that you feel conflicted and confused. You don’t have to “fix” those feelings or beat yourself up for being some place else than where you are in your life/healing.
Instead, if you do your grief work – and I can’t stress enough how much Susan’s relationship inventory is helping me (here is a link to a post that contains information about what exactly grief work is with links to other resources like the instructions for Susan’s relationship inventory: http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/04/25/grief-work-therapy/) – and get the support you need (healthy family members and friends, therapy, 12-step and other support groups, and this forum) you will make it through this as a stronger, more self-assured person who attracts only good and healthy people into her life.
Hugs,
SmilingAngel
Susi:
Oops – I left out a word in the 4th paragraph of my previous above and then thought of a better way to write the whole thing, so I’m reposting that paragraph here so it makes more sense.
It is okay that you feel conflicted and confused. You don’t have to “fix” those feelings or beat yourself up for being some place other than where you think you should be in your life/healing. Just accept what you feel – don’t judge it. Just let it be…
Be gentle with yourself :)
SmilingAngel
SmilingAngel:
Sorry, no pun was intended! And thanks once again for support and insight! Somehow I am still angry with myself, how on earth can I not eventually see the point? I read quite a few posts here, most people are young and have had this terrible experience of a break up. Understandable – they are hurting. But with 52? When does maturity start???I have been married for 22 years to this fellow. At least 12 I knew deep down that he has no love or affection for me at all. His addiction was always more important to him. What makes me so mad is that after I read some of the smse he sent to his new flame,I realised that he IS capable of sweet little notes, loving words, passionate terms – something I NEVER had the priviledge to experience in 26 years of knowing him. Something I accepted of not being part of his character.Nothing.
And now? He STILL turns up every day on my doorstep (the house is in his name, but through marriage belongs to us both), because, you see, he is this wonderful father and family caretaker. He is so sober at the moment- holy.He brings food and chocolates and he kisses me hallo and goodbye on the forehead, because you see, he is this good friend, and he means so well. And he keeps on whining and moaning about his terrible job and colleagues, NEVER asks anything about my existence, just monologues for hours. But then, in the mean time has a new relationship going, someone who definitely will appreciate his ‘goodness’ and his wittiness, his humour and his caring…Why on earth does he not leave me alone???Surely he can make another plan to see his ‘kiddies’? He has an own home. Luckily he is moving 1500 km away – I can smell freedom – but I still feel so offended…
Btw – I also meant to thank Susan as well for this awsome idea of his blog, and how incredibly necessary it was to create it – so many hurt souls -
MLM2004 – My vacation with the kids went well. Thanks. I think knowing he is married now will help me move on. I really know now that we are not getting back together. I am actually a little mad at him today. When he first found out he had cancer a 1/2 year ago, he emailed me about it. When I emailed him 2 months ago to see how he was doing, he responded and added info on what he was doing this summer. Never mentioned he was getting married or got married. He had a history of omitting certain relevant information during important conversations when we were together. Why would it be different now? Not that he is obligated to tell me. It just would have been a courtesy considering the fact that we did exchange a few emails since March.
Susi – I am 48 years old. Sometimes I also feel like I am too old to be going through this at my age. But break ups hurt at every age. I agree with Susi – “Just accept what you feel – don’t judge it.” Boy is that easier said than done! I am impatient. I want to be over this man and I want to be over him NOW! I wonder if that has made my journey to get over him take longer.
I am glad for you that he will be moving away. I hope that helps you.
Susi:
Sorry. I didn’t realize you had responded to my post last week.
I understand where your pain comes from, but the bottom line is this guy does NOT deserve YOU! But until you become to believe for yourself that THAT is the TRUTH, you will continue to struggle and feel bad.
Though I wish any addict a swift recovery, I believe it is very rare that one can recover as quickly as you seem to think he has (based on his outward behavior). After all if he was lost to his disease for so many years, it will take much more than a few months for him to truly recover – which by the way is true for ourselves too – when we spend a considerable amount of time in an unhealthy relationship, it will take us a considerable amount of time for us to get healthy as well.
Also, as for “I realised that he IS capable of sweet little notes, loving words, passionate terms”, anyone is capable of saying or doing those things and their ability to do them IS NOT a reflection of the person they are doing or not doing them for.
The fact that you never received these things from him is NOT representative of whether or not you are good enough to receive them. It is only representative of what YOU ACCEPTED from him. And the gift of this knowledge is that going forward YOU GET TO DECIDE what you will and won’t accept from anyone one.
And as you do your grief work, you will start to believe how wonderful you are, that your husband’s behavior is representative of himself just as your behavior is representative of YOU, and and that truly do have the power to create a life for you and your children that you all truly deserve :)
Lastly, as far as the maturity question goes. First, I don’t like to thing of things in a matter of maturity, but more as an evolution of oneself AND our evolution is NOT age dependent. There are some people who never evolve past staying stuck in a life they don’t love, surrounded by people who don’t treat them well. But anyone at any time, can decide to take the next step of their evolution.
So it is up to you now. It is sort of like Alice in Wonderland in that once she went down that rabbit hole, there is no way she would ever be the same again. You too have taken that plunge down the rabbit hole and though it may feel uncomfortable/painful now, as you move forward you will find that your life is changing for the better.
Remember to be good to you. Get the support you need – therapy, 12-step groups, relationships with healthy friends & family members, and this forum – journal, do your relationship and life inventories, read, practice good self-care, and celebrate all the steps you make – be them big or small because you are WORTH it :)
Hugs,
SmilingAngel
Susi
I’m new here, been lurking a bit. I, like you, was with an alcoholic and a pot head, not to mention abuser and a person who because of their addictions was not in touch with themselves or reality. It is hard to let go. (Although after re-reading that 2nd sentence, I wonder why it is so hard to let go….:). I am here because I let go three months ago and need the support I find from reading other’s similar heartaches. In my case, I hoped for the addictions to go away and uncover the great person behind them. We can never get them to stop using. They either want to, and they will or they won’t because they’re just too weak and we are not enough of a catalyst. It is obvious when we’re in a relationship with them, that they really don’t want to stop or they’d take the steps necessary. So, we must leave or be sucked under. (Try telling someone all their problems are magnified by smoking pot and drinking and watch the defenses come out). They think it helps them….In my case, I worked with him over 20 years ago at the same radio station, and we were then only professional friends, married to other people. Years later, after running in to him and eventually beginning a relationship, imagine my sadness at finding out this man who I had admired as a pillar of responsibility and respectability had hidden demons. Imagine how sad it is to watch someone you respected in business, who was well known in the area, not only as a personality in drive time, but in the business as well, to be locked into a world of denial. (But, of course, to the outside world, those who didn’t really live with him, he was the best thing since sliced bread). Imagine watching all that talent and ability go by the wayside while they lose all initiative. Imagine watching someone you love and admire slowly spiraling into a psychotic, drug induced, paranoia that involves attaching meanings to your words and actions that are completely off base and way out there. Imagine watching the greatest radio personality ever in Orlando reduced to living in one of his mother’s apartments, filled with roaches, too afraid to spray chemicals for bugs (but okay to smoke dope), too lazy to keep up the yard, too lazy to keep up the on-air energy and keep a good gig, too lazy to do appearances and remotes, and too lazy to practice his watercolor genius on a regular basis and turn it into a venture. So sad, so sad to love someone who is just slowly dying and to know you can’t help them.
SmilingAngel,
it IS helping, to read again and again through posts that confirm those doubting and self-doubting thoughts.Thanks. Its good to confirm that its not about him, but about me, my life, my standards of honesty and transparency. And yes, that silver line of freedom that looms in the clouds, or the Alice-in-Wonderland experience.I cant figure out whether it is a ‘new’ characteristic in humans to be as abusive, manipulating, rejective, narcissistic or whether it always was like that. Is it a sign of times that it seems to happen more and more? And on the other hand: why are we ‘victims’ not better equiped to deal with this behaviourism much better? Did our grandmothers also suffer from such an enormous lack of self-esteem? My issue is that I still try to understand intellectually what happened. And what is happening to sooo many equal-thinking individuals. Why DO we not deal with hurt feelings immediately, but try to influence the rejecter to change his mind? I cant stand myself being in the victim role, but I am fully in it. I have so many tools, so much time, and somehow the pain is not getting less. I do think that I still have not grasped the problem properly yet, I tend to think that once I have understood medically or otherwise the root of abusive, addictive behaviour…I can concentrate on becoming happy. I do understand blatant physical abusiveness and that that is a reason to get out immediately. But I struggle to understand manipulative behaviour. Why? Why not be straight forward? Why deliberately having alternative agendas? Why so false and backstabbing? Why do human beings not know the basics of ‘being human’? Honesty, love, affection, happiness, joy, love, laughter, tears, sadness, etc, Why must people HURT others to feel ‘human’? Anyway – its Sunday here..a day for spending valuable time with oneself…enjoy!
I was always here 7 months ago reading a lot and trying to heal. Back then I wished time would fast forward so that I can just “laugh about it” someday. I am here now and laughing. It will get better for all you. Whew ! What a trip ! I’ve moved on. Good luck )
Christian:
That’s great! I would love to hear what are some of the things that have happened now that you’ve moved on – would help give me something more to look forward too :)
Susi -
I had the same questions until I read Patricia Evans’ book, “Controlling People” (ie, “people who are controlling”, NOT a “how-to”, LOL). Also her book, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship.” Are you familiar? If not, these are real eye-openers, especially her passage on The Teddy Phenomenon. (I think actually you can google that term and read the passage, last I checked. Been awhile.)
Answer to “why?” – because they can. Because abusers only understand relationships in terms of power. If he can keep you confused, off-balance, walking on egg shells – HE has the power!
Yes. It is insane. No, I can’t fathom why anyone would actually accept this sort of relationship philosophy, either. I don’t care why. I care what. Which in my case is – I have to accept that this is how he is, and he isn’t interested in changing. He is interested in finding a new “Teddy”/ Barbie doll he can control.
BTW, most verbal/emotional abusers are SHOCKED to discover that’s what they are. I don’t believe it’s a fully conscious behavior in many cases. They really can’t see it. They can’t see US. We aren’t actually “real” to them – they “absorb” us (or their version of us), psychologically speaking, and turn us for all intents and purposes into the host body for their “Dream Woman”. You know – the one who can read his mind, anticipate his every whim, and has no emotional needs, wants, or…personhood of her own.
And, lest you make MY mistake and try to offer the abuser a moment of insight, let me be clear: it won’t matter. They don’t want to change. They don’t care that it hurts you. Your feelings aren’t “real” to him. He will therefore not be ecstatic to discover that the “problem” in the relationship has a name. He’s already given it a name: yours.
Hang in there. It really is THEIR delusional, twisted reality at work here, it ISN’T to do with you at all.
Do the no contact rules pertain to the other woman too? (Yes, I probably know the answer) I want to punch her in the face, write her a nasty e-mail, send a courier with a placard that says “ADULTERER” to her office….
This is so painful and today is not a good day. I want to call my soon-to-be-ex and rip into him and then cry and ask why he would do such a thing to his family.
I KNOW I do not want him in my life, but I still love him. He stopped loving me and never told me. No abuse unless you consider emotional abandonment abuse. It certainly feels that way right now.
Yes it does pertain to her. Probably more so.
Let it go. What he does with her, he’ll do to her.
Just be good to you.
Been there, felt everything you feel…but there will come a day (I PROMISE) when you look back and realize she did you a favor.
Thank you….I am thankful I found this website because I have come unglued in the past but will no longer do so. I sat on my hands and did not follow through today.
good for you Eva! Glad you are here!
Hi all…..I’m so glad I found this site, too.
I had been ’seeing’ this guy for 5 months. He had always made it clear to me that he didn’t want a relationship and wasn’t ready, but we continued to see each other and did everything a ‘couple’ would do, but he always made it clear to me that we were just ‘mates’.
Instead of backing off and saying ‘ok, this guy is not worth it’ I continued on in the hope that he would see how nice I was and how much I cared for him (LOL- the ego at work!).
Anyway, there’s heaps more to the story, but I’m tired of telling it and crying over it and its sooooooo time to move on.
He has finally ended it (something I couldn’t do) and has said that it’s impossible for us to be friends as he believes I wouldn’t wish him well to meet someone else he’s a better match with (he’s probably right). So much for not being ready for a relationship!
A few weeks ago I did the no contact thing and he started calling, texting and emailing me saying how much he missed me and how much he cared (LOL).
It’s so damn confusing and I should have put a stop to it then, but of course I was glad that he missed me, but he still was not offering anything to me. So of course we reconnected and since then things have gone downhill.
I could write a book about all the mixed messages he has given me, but it really doesn’t matter anymore. It’s not just that he doesn’t want a relationship he feels there is ‘no spark with me and that I don’t tick all the boxes (!!!)’.
So I emailed him on Friday and he replied saying the no friends thing and the no contact for 6 months. Hopefully by then I will not even think about him (miracles do happen!!).
It just feel so sad that it has ended like this, I feel sad, lonely and past my use by date. I want to hate him but I can’t. It’s so hard to not contact him, but I did delete his number yesterday and on msn (even though I know it off by heart!!). I felt we had a connection and were meant to be together… :( I don’t get how I can feel that so strongly and he feels the opposite…..it has really made me doubt myself and my intuition.
In his email he says there’s no connection for him and that he “goes with the flow but the flow has stopped for me. ”
This is THE most painful thing that has happened to me….loving someone who doesn’t love me back….
I’m 33 and a single Mum and have been through quite a lot, so that is really saying something!
I could go on and on and I will probably be back here to add to the saga!
Thanks for listening!
x
Melinda – the fact that he starts calling when you try to go NC….its all game playing. It will stop hurting i promise, when you stop playing the game with him and go NC.
Trust me you are worth more than scraps of mixed messages when he feels like it.
Smiling Angel:
Sorry for not replying soon. I have been over it for 5 months now. It took me 2 months to completely get over it. The first 1 was the hardest as I broke the NC rule many times. Hmmm Now..I have gone out on dates trying and still looking for the right one and it is exciting ;) (I still do not have a steady girlfriend but) I KNOW she is out there. It’s not even about having found it yet. It’s about being free of the broken feelings… Free of feeling betrayed. ..Being free of endless recycled thoughts of the Rejection…I guess all the above dreaded feelings were necessary to go through it all…I have completely accepted that it was not meant to be… and realizing that was the BEST thing for me. After those 2 dreaded months, I was my own self again. Doing whatever I loved doing … I am almost tempted to say “Why was so I hung over the rejector ?What was I thinking ? ” Now that I look at that time from my life’s rear view mirror I understand but I just smile and fly on.
Christian thats so great :) I can’t wait to get to that place.
Christian:
No worries about not responding sooner – just evidence that you have a very fulfilling and busy life and for that I’m happy for you :)
Thank you for sharing what your experience is today – definitely gives one something to look forward to. The thought of being “free of endless recycled thoughts of the Rejection” is one that helps me to move forward; that it is real and can happen if I work for it.
There is no doubt in my mind having read your post that as you “smile and fly on” you will find more healthy and loving people being drawn into your life – including the “one”.
Continue creating the life you want and enjoy the experience of YOU :)
Hugs,
SmilingAngel
Thanks Hintofred, it’s hard right now to see that I am worthy.
My self-esteem has taken a battering and I keep thinking that if I was prettier/slimmer/nicer/better blah blah blah that he would want to be with me.
I feel so low and wonder when the pain will stop?…
I’ve been reading “The Journey from abandonment to healing’ by Susan Anderson and it is helping me make sense of what I’m going through, as is this post knowing that I’m not alone makes me feel less crazy!!!
Thank you all. x
Melinda,
Check out Susan’s post “What Does This Look Like”- it may or may not help you figure out why you were so attracted to that guy.
You can move past that guy and realize so many great things about yourself.
Hi Susan,
I am so glad i read this article, it was exactly what i needed to wake me up, until this moment i had a lot of questions about someone i loved, i felt all of the things you write. As you said, i need to start rejecting the rejector, i need to not want what doesn’t want me. Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thanks never thought in such a manner. As u said its difficult but guess thats the only way. Thanks
Dear Susan,
I would like to thank-you from the bottom of my broken heart. I’ve known this man for a little over a year. He pursued me for a while and in April, I fell head over heels in love. We had a great relationship until August when he decided to end it. Yet he still wanted to keep in touch and sent me mixed signals that had me incredibly confused. This is when I decided to go “No contact”. A few weeks passed by and I worked on improving myself: I lost a bit of weight, bought new clothes, spent time with friends and even went on a few dates.
We met up again and he wanted to reconcile. Since I was still madly in love with him, I jumped back into his arms eagerly. Yet, even though we are technically back together, I have never felt so alone. He waits days before calling me and when we do spend time together, once a week, he seems detached and a bit indifferent.
I have been searching the internet like a fool for “ways to get your love back” or “how to make him love you again” and while there are some techniques that do work on getting them back (I call them mind games), what they don’t tell you is that you don’t really get them back. You get someone who likes being adored and will keep you around until something better comes along. You are comfortable and who wants to be equivalent to a blanket or a pair of sweat pants?
Thank-you Susan, Thank-you so much. Your words have helped tremendously. I’m off to celebrate the me that is me.
Susan and all,
Thanks so much for writing this. I printed it out and carry it with me.
One question about reject the rejector. Is it really necessary to say to hell with that person? The guy I was interested in didn’t do anything wrong, he just wasn’t interested in me.
I guess I ask because I’ve been on the other side. When somebody is attracted to you and you’re not attracted to them, it hurts when they give you the cold shoulder.
Thanks,
Sorcha
Sorcha, I think the point is that you need to self-talk and say, “He wasn’t right for me.”, not just accepting “He said I’m not right for him.” The underlying idea here being that *A person who is good for you in a relationship is a person who values you very very much and thinks you’re the cat’s pajamas*! Or, as one of my colleagues once said, “My husband thinks I’m the next best thing to sliced bread!”
This article was just what I needed…..I am ashamed to say I was involved in an affair where leaving our spouses wasn’t an option, but we crossed the line and fell in love. Long story short, he dumped me without even telling me and I’ve had months of hell and depression dealing with this. I even went as far as calling him and DEMANDING he tell me bye and that it was “over”—a very humilating experience. Yes, I still miss my lover and I miss my friend, every single day but the tears have become less frequent. No contact is the only way for me. I only wish I’d read this article when it first ended. Thank you from the bottom of my shattered heart. It has very valid points and really hit home. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!
Susan
Thank you for every word you have written in this article and for all of the words in Getting Past Your Breakup and for all the words in all of the other articles in this journal that I have devoured tonight.
Fool that I am, I ignored my therapist and called my ex earlier tonight. If only I had I found your web site and your words sooner, I wouldn’t have. I guess I was still bargaining, but I heard and felt her rejection loud and clear.
I am now, and will forever be, rejecting the rejector.
Thank you.
This post has given me a new direction on how to handle my current situation. and i was having a rough time with it. i really appreciate this guidance of yours. it fits perfectly and seems as if it was written off of my own life. Thanks a lot.
This is great, it’s just a confirmation of what I’ve telling myself over the last 2 weeks.
“Why do you want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with you? Someone who doesn’t love you back? Someone who doesn’t appreciate what you are? A person that implied that you have the same insecurities that she has?”
Not fair. Not fair to feel bad because of a person who can’t see you as you are and your true value.
I loved this post!
Thanks!
Hi, Susan,
I found your post today and love this article. I love you say “Reject the Rejector.” I left the ex because he doesn’t love me for who I am. He said “There is no physical attraction” because I am not a white girl…Didn’t he know I was not a white girl and never will be one when we started to date???
Your article also reminds me how I used to value myself. I always think I am ugly, fat, unattractive, plain and unspecial. Thinking about my past relationships, I seem to keep meeting guys who does’t appreciate me, respect me and love me for who I really am. I finally understand that half of the problem came from me – I didn’t love myself for who I was either. What a self-realization!! So from now on, I will start a great relationship with MYSELF. I will be good to myself and love myself unconditionally. I will also affirm myself everyday that my Mr. Right is there for me and to love me.
Thank you again, Susan. Thank you for this great article.
Hi Susan,
I found this post just under a year ago when the “love of my life” and husband of 15 years declared he no longer loved me. He had had several affairs and had consistently been negligent to me and our two lovely children, having worked abroad for much of our marriage. I stayed at home and looked after the children and supported him in his rising career, giving up my own in the process, and forgiving and forgetting his extra-marital indiscretions and lies. He was everything to me and as such I gave up everything for him. When he left me, I was just turning 50 and felt I was on the scrapheap both in terms of career potential and romantically.
This post has kept me going the whole year! I have gone through the whole gamut of reactions and emotions that you describe and have referred to this post to keep me grounded on many occasions! I just want to thank you for saying it how it is and helping me to claw my way back to the person inside – the person who I really am!
I’m now 2 stone lighter, have developed my own business, have several potential suitors lining up at the door and I’m able to pick and choose what I have in and out of my life! I know who I am, have lots of friends and two loving children who are very aware of which parent is there for them 100% of the time!
Thank you again Susan! You are spot on and on the ball!
Wendy
UK
I just want to add some perspective from the “rejector” side. It’s rarely personal. Rejection is actually mostly self-centered. I prefer to describe the end of my relationships as “we were not right for each other. ” Although this person is not amazing to me, s/he is most certainly amazing to someone else. And I agree, that this person deserves to be cherished and admired. When I stop feeling this way (and I admit it may take 6 months to 1.5 years before I really know someone well enough to tell if we are a good fit) I know I need to end the relationship out of respect for both of us so we can get our needs met.
Sometimes we fall in love with someone’s personality and later realize we can’t live with their actions, or it may be the other way around. I fell in love with my girlfriend because of her creativity, politics, and interests, but when we moved in together I realized that she has little ambition, is moody and insecure, and cannot see alternative perspectives other than her own. My primary need in a relationship is communication and when we cannot even resolve a simple argument then I know it cannot survive long term.
The way I see it is I am doing my ex a favor for leaving so she can find a better love than I am. Hope this doesn’t offend but I think anger is less healing than acceptance. I found this post somewhat angry, calling the rejector a jerk. I have broken up with most of my partners and I try to do it respectfully and with compassion. I know I need to work on my mate selection but my attraction is very unconsious and I never plan on breaking someone’s heart. Love hurts.
Terri
I think you raise an interesting point and this was my initial reaction to this article. Surely we, as human beings, should be compassionate and understanding and realise sometimes that relationships often do not work and that it takes two people to want to make it work and if another person does not want to be in that relationship anymore, we need to respect that. Absolutely.
However, this submission is not aimed at such philosophy. Rather, and Susan can confirm if she reads this post, is to assist the dumpee to move on, to increase that person’s self-esteem and realise that if one person doesn’t want you anymore, then one needs to look after one’s self, rather than being compassionate about the other person and their feelings and rationale. That approach, in my view, can only delay a person moving on from a loving relationship.
In a perfect world, in a world without emotions, breakups would be no big deal. People would end their relationship and people would begin new ones. Unfortunately, we become so emotionally tied to each other that unless there is a means of vehemently detaching yourself from the other person, one cannot truly move on. In other words, for the purposes of dealing with the relationship breakdown and moving on (and not in respect of how a person truly feels about the other person), one needs to develop a method of removing oneself from the other person. Developing an ideology of “rejecting the rejector” for the purposes of dealing with this, no matter how amicable the relationship breakdown is, is what I believe this is trying to achieve. Being compassionate is a wonderful human quality and too much bitterness and anger is directed towards the dumper, but in order to move on, one needs to cultivate an attitude that I am better than that person and if they don’t want me, then I will find someone who will. I think that is what Susan is trying to say.
Yes Scott.
That is right.
Too often people internalize another’s rejection of them as an objective and correct assessment of worth. It is not so. They don’t stop and think, “Maybe they are not where I am.” or even “Maybe s/he IS correct, we aren’t for each other.” Instead they tend to think, “What is WRONG with me that this person who was so close to me suddenly doesn’t want me? I must be HORRIBLE!”
And, as someone who has ended plenty of relationships, I would welcome someone using “reject the rejector” if they have internalized my ending the relationship as proof of their worth. And I’ve ended plenty of relationships where I wasn’t treated correctly and some where it just wasn’t right.
What the other person does with my rejection of them, be it an abusive crazy person I am rejecting or a nice guy with whom I just didn’t fit, that is for them and their life. It’s not my business what they go on to do with it. I had one guy who was a misogynist actually look into it and go to therapy and say, “Hey she was right, I do treat women badly!” and do something about it but there are others who just went along doing the same thing to others. And even some who went on to treat the next woman better for no reason that I can fathom. What they do after I say it’s over is not my concern.
If my relationship with a “nice guy” just didn’t work, then he can and should develop a “reject the rejector” attitude so he can go on and heal. And I shouldn’t (and don’t) take it personally. If they say “Oh she’s a bananahead who has her head squarely up her butt.” then good for them. At some point they might see (as I have seen with people who broke up with me) that I was right. It just wasn’t a fit.
This post is for people who were rejected and are internalizing it. It’s not to take the rejector’s feelings into account. And people who end relationships should hope that the person they dumped come to to resolution about it in whatever healthy way they can. It works for both parties.
And I do not agree that “love hurts.” True love doesn’t and shouldn’t.
I just wanted to say congratulations to Wendy, a couple of posts back. You turned your life around! Wow!
Lola
First, I LOVE this site. My ex and I broke up in August after 8 1/2 months of dating. It was him that called it off. We seemed to be very compatible (and he was/is a great guy), but he had only 1 other serious relationship (we’re 30) and admits now he held back a lot to avoid getting hurt. I told him I loved him at 6 months and he said he wasn’t sure if he was capable of loving someone. yeah. I somewhat shut down for the last 2 months too emotionally since I didn’t want to get hurt.
Well, I followed your no contact rule. Which yes, was HARD but it did help me get over this a lot faster! It’s been 4 months now and he contacted me (we were also long distance dating and he was in town for 2 weeks). Long story but I had received some scary test results right before he called so he ended up hearing about it, we got together for dinner (I truly needed a friend) and we really finally seemed to let down our guards I think because we didn’t have anything to lose since we weren’t dating.
Well now, he’s sent me a really nice 4 page long letter about us, our relationship, how’s he’d thought of me everyday since we broke up, how he has so many regrets, how he wishes he had just not worried about getting hurt and just let down his guard from the get go, etc. and signed it ‘love,’ (again NEVER said he loves me, etc.).
What is your stance on getting back together with an ex? I’m scared since I don’t want to have to redo all the work of getting over him if it doesn’t work out, yet still love him and don’t want to just pass by something that could be great just because I’m scared.
Angela,
It sounds very romantic, but you need to be practical. Have the courage to ask some concrete questions (it may be hard, but probably wise, nonetheless). What specifically has changed in this short time (besides him missing you)? (Missing someone doesn’t mean we belong with that person–it just means we miss them.) What specifically has he learned and what specifically would he change or do differently? Has he done therapy? Had some incredible life changing event that turned him around? Or is he lonely and regretful and trying to avoid the work that he needs to do on himself? You guys were probably on your best behavior over dinner–who wants to seem anything less than the best thing that ever got away to the person who let us get away? It’s not impossible for someone to change, but don’t give yourself easily, if at all, to someone who made you an option not that long ago.
Angela: I don’t have thoughts on getting back together with an ex. This website is geared to moving on. There are a lot of “win back your love” or what have you on the internet and in the bookstores.
What I will say is that you should focus on what you want and is this guy it? He is STILL not breaking down doors to be with you and everyone deserves someone who will storm the Citadel to be with them. Lukewarm is not going to cut it. Especially after a breakup. And someone who has let a quality person go might have more issues than just not wanting to be hurt.
I can’t say what to do but I hope you hold yourself and your standards high and never settle for less. Figure out what you want. Try to figure out if he can give it to you. And not by asking him but by being honest about who he is. And then ask HIM questions a lot that have been asked by Kathy. What turned him around? What is going on? What is he foreseeing for the two of you? What can he give you? And is it what you want and deserve.
Be good to you and don’t settle for less.
Angela BE CAREFUL! You did the work, you went NC for FOUR MONTHS … if you aren’t careful and it backfires you will hate yourself and be miserable. You want to be very careful what you do!
I had the same experience a number of times, incredibly flowery emails and so-sweet phone calls and texts. But the ones I did choose to go back to, it was pretty mean quite quickly. It was more about control and them being able to feel “look, I can get her back anytime, no problem”. And if you read this site you will find similar situations, I haven’t heard of one person who was happy after they went back on this site, or my friends and I have a few …
I’m not saying he doesn’t have feelings for you, it’s just that usually in this situation whatever caused the first breakup was a real thing, and it – or something similar – will happen again. As a friend told me a few years back (and this one I can proudly say I DIDN’T go back to) “you can take him back if you want to but he will do it again in 3 months” … and I watched him get a new girl instead, and treat her just like me … and then dump her 3 months later.
You have done great, and you have a lot to lose by this decision. He knows that, and he knows that you were able to stay away from him for 3 months. Some guys just want to punish you for doing that … please be careful!
Lola
Susan,
I know it wasn’t directed at me, but I love the mental image of someone storming the Citadel for me. That’ll be something I’ll hold onto for a while.
Sometimes it’s hard to remember what we deserve when it seems to be missing. Thanks for that.
-HJoy.
On new year’s day, the man I love unconditionally and I decided together that we need to go our separate ways. My reason for doing so is that he will not go to couples counseling. His reason for not going to couples counseling is that we are not a couple. We’ve been together for 6.5 years!
Everyone outside the relationship thinks that we are a couple. He does not. I understand where he is coming from, it’s not been a “normal” realationship where two people are smitten with each other in the beginning. So, we missed out on all that. (really was a huge red flag that i must have thought was a curtain or a table cloth or something.)
His family will be really upset when they hear of our breakup, my family is supportive and will remain so no matter what happens. (what? oh my gosh, is that another red flag? must have thought this was bed sheet)
What is the hardest thing to accept here is that I asked him point blank: “Do you have the “I can spend the rest of my life with this person” feelings for me?” While fully prepared for the answer he said he did at one time and does not anymore. (ouch)
We have gone through some incredibly emotional hard times and we both have suffered a great deal longer than we could have chosen otherwise.
I hope that one day he comes down from his impenetrable castle and lets someone love him. With all that I know to do, including asking him to take relationship assessment quizzes from “real” therapy websites, gave him two relationship help books to read after I read them, all but dragged him to a therapist, and have grown, changed, unchanged, in every way in hopes that he would turn around and say, you know, i love you so much and our realtionship is so valuable to me that I will do whatever it takes to make it work.
i’m still waiting. (he’s got about 30-40 days to say this but i haven’t told him. no more prompting and giving from me since new years day.)
We live together because he asked me to help him start a business a while ago which fell through. We have been living in separate bedrooms since nov 2007 and we’ve only lived together for a year and a half now. pretty sad. I have serious commitment, to a fault i suppose. Anyhow, i have a condo that I am renting out to two wonderful people whose lease is up at the end of March. They are going to let me know what they want to do, I won’t kick them out just because my situation changed, i can easily rent an apartment until they are ready to move out of state.
Not too much longer with this crud. Even when I know that there is nothing I can do to help this man heal inside, there is nothing I can do to make him feel something for me again, there is nothing I can do for him that I haven’t already tried….it hurts because I don’t understand why someone would reject unconditional love.
Honestly, if he started therapy tomorrow and asked me to stay, I would give it a go.
For self worth, my life, my happiness, my heart, and the future… i must leave this situation and I will. It’s just hard to swallow is all.
So, in the meantime, like tonight, I give myself the space and freedom to sob a little, write a little, visit this sanctuary of a website. read and nod in agreement, cry in agreement, knowing that while grief is as unique as the individual that is being grieved, I am okay. No one can take my optimistic attitude from me, no one can take my love, no one can take my truth, and I can take my unconditional love with me wherever I go.
Susan, you are right, it is truly his loss. And he knows it. Darn that sharp and stings.
Here’s to getting back to spiritual abundance… everything is okay and perfect just the way it is.
All i want is a hug and someone who is stronger than me to hold on to my sobbing and let me be a little vulnerable and feel their comfort.
Also, it’s dark in Alaska right now and that makes the crying almost seem like it’s seasonal affective disorder… blah blah blah.
To anyone who goes through this unrequited thing, please know that it truly isn’t you, it’s the other person.
However it sounds, c’est la vie! If love is meant to find me, it will as it has before.
This is the second time I’ve read this thread and it jumpstarts my brain to do battle with my heart. I am having ” fantasies” today, trying not to think one day we may meet again. I miss him so deeply and it sickens me as I no he doesn’t love me, and was adamant he will never be coming back, something he hasn’t said before. Maybe I’m still just grieving but can’t believe I’m missing him so bad today. I had a GREAT morn and went shopping with a friend, whammo, instant depression, tears start a rolling, can’t do it, time to go home. Got home and had 3hr power nap, got online, feeling bit better, just abit overwhelmed how much I missed him today, first time it was such a strong emotional loss, felt it today. Finding it hard he doesn’t love me anymore, never will again. Even though I’m feeling weak I will remain NC.
Debbie P,
How long has it been since you have split up with your ex? I feel deep saddness almost daily and we split up on Dec.1. I just want this to go away so badly. I try to tell myself he does not matter. I know he does not but try telling my heart that. We were together for 3.5 years. I miss him. Alot. I hope in so many ways for him to call me and say I am sorry, but I know he won’t. I wish….
KELLY Thanks for your reply, girl, Last time I spoke to him was Nov. 19, he left NOV. 10. I was feeling that TRAUMA and SADNESS to the point where some days I didn’t know if I would ever be “right” again. I struggle everyday still but there is hope, we will be OK, I know it sounds impossible at times but this community will help, trust me, they have kept me afloat many times and I would not be healing and moving forward without them. There is more support and healing here than i have ever encountered. I was with my ex for 3yrs and he used me the whole time, You will also come to realize that it isn’t necessarily him your missin, it’s more to do with WHY, we have this in our life, what are we needing, lacking from our past. I have not done the inventories, LIFE – RELATIONSHIP you might find these helpful to put some things straight, try not to contact if you can, I no it’s hard but you will be better for it, no expectations from him, because you are so RAW still, what he has to say will probably hurt more that nothing at all. Keep reading, Kelly, keep posting, IT WILL GET BETTER!!!!!!!!
Debbie P,
Thank you for your reply. Some days it does feel like its getting better then I hear the news he has a girlfriend. I feel so replaced, like the last 3.5 years didn’t matter. He gave me no reason for the split other than “it’s me not you”. I feel so hurt, I feel so afraid. I am 38 and I thought I finally found the “one”. I guess I was wrong. My kids keep telling me that this is for the best, there was just too much drama but I wish I felt that way. I am glad that there is you and others here, I just wish I could do this on my own as well. I hate feeling this way. I wish today was 3 months from now if that makes sense, maybe I would feel better.
Talk to you soon, thanks for being a friend.
KELLY It will be OK if you just let it be. I am still all over the map some days but, SERIOUSLY, things are starting to improve for me. I had uncomfortable anxiety 24/7 for the last 2mths and that has gone from me now, things are starting to HAPPEN, when the others tell you to just HANG ON, it will get better and that is true. As you read other posts these BANANAHEADS rarely give a decent explanation for leaving because there isn’t one, it’s not about us: it’s about them, it’s their inner turmoil, not ours, we didn’t Do anything wrong, just have to move forward, heal, and find the love we so richly deserve, and even though I’m not ready to go there yet, I no MR. RIGHT is out there, waiting to meet me in the future. Just be still, Kelly, keep reading, you will feel better, IT’S TRUE!!!
It was purely by accident that i stumbled upon your blog in late Jan 2008, A friendship went horribly wrong , i was seeking answers from virtually anyone anyplace , your blog opened up a new insight. There were little things that you suggest we do … and even tough they sound simple … they are difficult to do … as i found out over the entire year 2008. No Contact is something i tried and kept on breaking it every now and then, the urge to fix things, the urge to make it right, the urge always seemed to be overwheleming all the time. How can a friendship end over trivial matters … why cant we talk it over … there’s nothing in this world that cant be resolved … but we need to communicate … i kept on telling her … but there was this deafening silence at the other end … i seeked forgiveness … didn i commit a crime tht there is no redemption for me … i kept on pleading … but it seemed as if i no longer exist for this person … wht i saw as differences that neede to be resolved … she did not see it that way … all the talks of how she’ll be my freind till the last breath and how she would make sure that our friendship last forever … everthing fizzled as if it was loose talk with no real commitment … and how quickly i got kicked out of her life and now also being so easily replaced … the whole of this year i kept on investing my emotions into someone who had moved on without giving any answers .. leaving me to figure out what could have gone wrong … but now i’m tired … i’m tired of carrying this emotional baggage … i’m tired and sick of the fact that how could i have let this precious time of my life pass away … i learned my lesson the hard way … i miscalulated that if you give love you get love … sometimes you dont … while i started reading your blog i felt as if i had stared to work on myself in order to move on … but deep inside the acceptance was not there … its been a stressfull year for me … but i finally decide to take help and also revisited your blog … i finally have made that acceptance with me that i need to move on … i need to be good to myself … i need to love myself … i finally have made peace with myself more than with anyone else … … i have … finally … decide to work on myself … wht i tought i was working on … the process has just begun for me … and more than any other time in my life i feel strong to fight with resolve …
your work is priceless … that’s all i can say.
Hi ther.
i stumbled across this website and after reading some of the advise etc….. i just wonderd if what im feeling is normal ????
Im a 24yr old guy from SA.
My fiance’ brok up with me 2 weeks befor xmas last year…
we had been 2gether for bout 2 years.
Iv been reading website after website and trying to do everything advised……
even after all that , i still feel like crap.
She was 29 …. she told me she still loves me terribly but believes we were on different paths in life and wanted different things and that the breakup was best for both of us…
and claims that all we had was a weekend relationship….
I found out that she told mutual friends that we have, that wen they asked what went wrong…… she said she found my neatness a problem (i didnt fold my laundry or keep everything in a “right ” place etc.)
I dont believe that excuse though……she couldnt give me a clear reason why she wanted to end it either, when i asked her at the breakup….
Bottom line is , y did she just end it ????
And the way she did it (a calm bleek smirk on her face), was as if i meant nothing and the past 2 years weren’t that important to her….she would rather just throw it away than try make it work ???
I was so broken in front of her , tears and all and she just calmly said goodbye…….. as if she didnt care i was in pain!
she has been sooooo cold 2wards me…..
bout 3 weeks after the breakup, we saw eachother at a mutual friends house… she was very quiet 2wards me.
I greeted her and kept it friendly (for every1’s sake and to keep things as comfortable as possible)… and she was so calm bout everything … as if nothing ever happnd ???
And it was almost as if she was trying to show me she was “Happy” …..
Im over the fact we’re over but mann, it just doesnt stop hurting …….
its been 5 weeks and i still feel depressed…..
some days are bad, i just want to cry and cry…other days i just miss her…..
i still wonder what she is doing and what friends shes having fun with and if she ever thinks about me ??? …. i know i shouldnt care but i cant help it ….
i have been sleeping a lot…. i try to get out and do stuff as much a possible but as soon as i get hom and im alone, i get into depressed mode again…..
is all this normal ???
Im glad we’re over for lots of reasons i have discoverd but, why dont i feel any happier ???
every1 iv spoken to says that things will get better but, i dont feel that way….. it just feels as if im stuck in this sad state…..
How long does it take to get better ????
Thank you. I was just “dumped” by my GF of 8 months. we had alot of good, but she was also fairly obsessive. she sent an email saying she needed time away because she loved me so much, she couldnt keep her life together. Iwas like” huh?”. ok
2 weeks go by, I stop by to see how she is, and she is on a date with a doctor from work!
Now, up until the last day, she had pledged undying love, comittment, and we had been talkingof a future together, etc. I was shocked.
I spent 2 and a half months doing all the things you said not to do. amazing. I cried, told her off, asked forgiveness, begged and pleaded, analyzed, all of it. For a bout a month she continued to say she loved me, but had to have nio contact, and date others to ” keep her from coming up to see me all the time”
????
I was, and am, heartbroken.
but Ive realised the truth in what you say. sometime people are just plain selfish, and dont love you, no matter what they say.
THAT is what hurts.I love her alot, well, I love who i saw for 8 months I guess.
now, to unlove that person…. not easy. and Ive only just started NC for real.
Now I have the tremendous guilt of hurting her feelings for me getting upset too. crazy. How the hell am I feeling guilty?
thak you for your words here.
s
Had to come back to this post and ground myself. It is a tragedy to have loved so deeply and be used so heartlessly. I’m still boggled that people USE others and know along that they are doing it. I struggle with how this makes me feel, I’m cycling this, I haven’t been in touch with my anger and I can feel it coming. I have so many emotions about this issue with the ex, on the up side I am confident I will not hear from him again, as he is done, I have nothing to offer and he is using someone else now, for that I am grateful, but it hurts all the same. I feel better about letting go and I feel it happening, maybe that is why this is passing thru, like I said I am astonished at the cruelty others inflict and horrified that I let him, I am not capable of the same deception. Before I had the chance to tell my friend to not talk of the ex, she informed me he has told others that he only stayed with me out of pity over the last year because I took our previous breakup hard, that I am mentally ill, it’s humiliating as I have lost many peoples friendships over the last year. I’m trying to absorb this and still be kind to myself. Doesn’t matter what he thinks or says, and to hell with the people that believe him.
Deon,
according to research (I was reading up on stats, you should be able to google it and check if you want), it usually takes half the length of the relationship duration to get over it. ie, for a relationship of two years one would, on average, spend a year to totally get over it (to the point where you dont really care if they are with somebody else).
yes, your feelings are normal, we are all different however, so the time you spend grieving will depend on your personality. try reading up on the 7 stages of grief, it applies to these scenarios as well as death of a loved one, I found it quite helpful.
I hope this helps
Thankyou megan…
it does help….
will check it out…
D
I do find those “statistics” to be a lot of hooey and that different places say different things.
Getting over something or someone depends on how much work you put into it, not on how much time has passed. But you won’t get over it in a million years if you do nothing.
Time does not heal all wounds. Working on it does.
Half the length of the relationship duration? Would be a disastrous thing for all those long-term relationships, like 6 years for a 12-year-one! :-) I agree that no time statistic is going to be “the truth” and it depends much more on what you do about it, how you deal with the grief etc. I just personally think that for a long and committed relationship, ca. one year may be (about!) the time that’s needed, if you do the work, move through every season once and leave it all behind. Could be longer or not, but some time is needed, too.
And, whilst some time is needed, it’s so true, time does NOT heal all wounds. I once met an older woman (about 80) and she STILL would hatefully tell the tales of her ex-husband’s abuse, and they were divorced since 35 years…so no, time as such is not enough.
Hmmm…
I am feeling worried if half the length is an accurate estimation of recovery time…..
I should be well over it if that is the case.
I am working on my recovery, and my self development…and I am healing…but I am not there yet!
I spent yesterday feeling like my insides had been chewed out by the pain of this ordeal. missing him, and recycling.
At time I am still looking for answers in places where there are none.
BUT the journey is getting easier, and the baggage is becoming lighter as I drop some of it along the way.
studying again,
regardless of whether or not there exists an “accurate” estimation of recovery time, this is not a competition! You need the time you need. I feel pretty close to being over my 5-year-relationship, and have by far not reached “half the time” yet (breakup was 10 months ago). On the other hand, I have mourned a relationship that lasted only 10 months, for quite some years…so, it depends, and it’s likely that there is no rule!
Thanks Greenroses, and I think you are right there.
As you say, you need the time you need.
It is different for us all.
I guess I do feel a little frustrated at times,as I think I expected to be “over it” by now…it was a short relationship. It was however, intense and highly emotional, with immense consequences, so it is true that there can not be a one size fits all answer to this.
Glad you are doing well.
yeah, i dnt think time is the main factor either.
waiting for a date or time period to lapse isn’t
the way to think….
but i do wonder how long i will take to recover….
i wish it was over already……..
i realise she did me wrong and nothing will change that,
and even though i had a great time and felt happy while we were together……the pain im feeling is not worth it !!!
this is the only relationship iv battled to get over……
i feel like such a wussy or weakling for letting it get me sooo down and letting it hold me back…… i just cant seem to shake it off like i want to……
i think for me, the main worry at the moment is…”will i find someone better” ?…. will i get over this sadness completely one day ???…. and will this lonelyness go away ???
i hope and pray it will !!!
i know plenty of people go through this in the world and everyone suffers from a broken heart at least once but, does it eventually become a thing to look back and laugh at ???
please tell me it does…..???
thanks for the posts and advise you guys…
D
I desperately hope it does. I broke up with my partner Dec 6, 08. We had words and he just exploded a side of him I had never seen. The morning of our breakup he was telling me he loved and adored me, we went out did Christmas shopping had lunch and everything was fine until the afternoon. (below is an email he wrote me % Dec, 08) I am struggling to get through each day, I cant understand how he’s done what he’s done. The 3 times Ive seen him (not for 3 weeks now and I havent spoke to him for 2 weeks) he is relentless we are over, says he doesnt deserve me or my forgiveness. How can I understand this when there was no warning, we were building an apartment, we had 5 year plans in place……I
am stuck and cant move forward……
Allo our friends are shocked, we had such a beautiful relationship, no-one ever saw a bad word between us, we just had a few isolated confronations in 2 years but otherwise adored each other.
Does anyone have any clues how someone can do this ?
Hi there my precious Annie!!!
Sorry I’m a bit late in sending you this message of love – I’ve been in since 6.00am and getting more back log of invoicing done!!!
How did my girl sleep for the first time in almost 2 weeks without me ??? Well I was very tired and fell asleep ok, but awoke about
1.00am, looking for my baby, but you weren’t there….
I have been sweating all morning – seems humid or is it just me???\
Mum is in and tells me Dad is not doing too well – I have him going to the doctor tomorrow morning, but if still not good, I’ll be sending him
in for an overnight stay… His blood pressure is up and he is wheezing a fair bit…
Anyway, that’s enough about me, how’s my baby???? Are you missing me ???? Wazzie is missing you :-( lots….
Ok babe, I must dash, but I’m always near you my girl…
Love you !!!!
Your man, Warren XXXXxxxx’s
Hi susan your comments are amazing and an inspiration to me and after only 10 minutes i have took some of the things you said on board, but my situation is different to most.
We met 4 years ago through an internet chat room on my phone as i was bored, we got got talking and decided to exchange numbers, we talked on the phone and after a few months off talking everynight we decided to meet, we met and as i soon as i seen her i knew she was the one for me, but was scared we would never meet again so made most of the night and it will remain with me for the rest of my life as one of my best. After a numerous of me visiting my baby and my baby visiting me she decided to move up where i live after just 8 months she dropped everything for me! family, friends, college and edjucation! Why didnt i think for her more (because i was in love?) (because we was in love) even if so that was very selfish of me and as i was 21 and she was 16 i should of knew better but what happened happened and at the time i never realised what she was axeing from her life.
Everything was excellent for the first year, but us being cooked in 1 small bedroom 24/7 at my mums house wasnt helping the situation, i had an xbox 360 and spent time on it and anyone with an xbox and plays xbox live will understand how addictive it is. But i took the biscuit for 3 years i was on it all the time giving my princess the cold shoulder but not knowing it because of my addiction which i hate and regret so much now, she sacrificed so many things for me and i didnt even make that 1 little sacrifice for her i feel ashamed and angry with myself it wasnt a little addiction it was huge and stopped my life completely i lost friends family and my princess and i didnt even realise. Even when i was working, i would come home and go straight on the 360 till early hours in the morning not realising how lonely and upset she was going to bed on her own how was i doing this too the person i loved, the thing with the xbox live is it was easy access to communicating with so many different people with different intrests then playing competeivly against others i was good and the winning feeling made me carry on (regretebly). Maybe the reason i was on it so much at my mums was she had no freinds up here and we where just cooked up in the 1 room all the time so it gave me my ” alone time” but too much off it it made me lose my values made me lose my self respect, my health, my job, but alls i kept thinking was me me me it will be alright.
7 months ago we moved into our own house as my gorgeous princess was due to have a baby 2 months later, we moved in and i bet you can guess what happened, i ignored the whole new life stuff, the little stuff that makes the big difference we should of done together like the looking for furnicture me comforting her making sure she is mentally and physically right for the baby but the xbox just put that block in my mind, the baby came and the same happened i think i changed 3 or 4 nappies which is quite pathetic.
I lost my job a month after our gorgeous baby was born due too the recesion and 2 days before i lost my job i got a loan and blew it on stuff for the house so that didnt help i cant imagine how lonely and depressed she must off been throught the whole time i was on the stupid xbox if i did i would of stopped if i could of had 5 mins of how she felt i prob would of understood and it wouldnt of taken me 3 years to get my life back on track she warned me numerous of times and threatend to break up with me if things didnt change, i was in the comfort zone and believed she loved me so much she would never end with me, she recently told me she is no longer in love with me and i really dont blame her she ended it with me and beleive it or not 7 days ago the day before she told me i told my dad i no longer want to play the xbox anymore and want to get my life back on track (what a coincedence) i packed my xbox away and now slowly getting my life back we are still living together and i made us a candle lit meal about 4 nights ago and her face when she walked in the room i will never forget, the bit of happiness it give her gave me the biggest thrill the big smile all the way from picking up the fork to eat her meal to putting it back down that feeling surpassed anything making the one i love happy and smile, i believe she still loves me but is scared to let me back in heart which i fully understand incase things go back to normal this past week has been one off the best in my life, despite all the pain its probably turned my life around for the good forever, i will learn of my mistakes and hearing of the woman i love with all my heart she doesnt love give me a pain i will never forget and i will always think twice about things now, ”treat people how you want to be treated” i think we are going to give it another go and i really hope so because that for 3 years wasnt me well it was me but the imature unthoughtfull me i have now realised by making my family happy it makes me happy, i know i love her deep in my heart but also thankfull for this pain which i deserve because this pain will make me and force me to think before acting. I know its early stages of me changing and know comfort will come again sometime in my life but i also know you have to work for that comfort and keep the opposite comforted to keep comfort NEVER THINK ABOUT JUST YOURSELF NEVER or you will end up lonely.
My princess is so genuine and has been so loyal and i appreciate her so much when i think back.
Despite what has happened if its with my princess or another girl which i cant imagine i will never make the same iggnorant mistakes again and this mistake will make me a stronger and better person but i want to give all my love to the one i love nobody else yes at the moment i feel rejected but i rejected so i need to obsorb it and understand exactly how she felt so if i have another go at this family i will be 100% prepared and ready.
I feel im forcing the situation and because like you said the rejected feeling isnt nice i want it too change straight away which makes me ask questions and i feel like impestering her all the time. I need to be more understand but its so hard.
We have decided to give it one last chance and up too now its going alright apart from my pestering and questions i think i need that bit of love or comfort just give me that bit off assurance that things are on the up.
If anyone reading this has an addiction of any kind please stand away from it and think about the ones around you for a second, i needed pain to make me realise and i wouldnt wish this pain on anyone hobbies or good addictions with a thrill arnt.
Annie,
My story is similar with a marriage of eight years and an adoring husband. Then I find out he is cheating, lying and so much other ugliness. There were signs and it took me a bit to figure them out. I saw a therapist and she told me infidelity is due to a breakdown of communication in a marriage. The light came on with all the issues I fussed about in our marriage…his communication issues!
People do “just walk away” and it is one of the most painful things I have gone through. Our brains want to make sense of it and trust me, there is no sense in what some people will do to others.
I now know my ex was a narcissist, passive aggressive and much more. He was VERY good at hiding most of it and I was very good at explaining most of it away. And living in denial I saw it. THAT was my fault and now my eyes are WIDE OPEN. If nothing else, this lesson will make you and all of us much more aware.
It is painful so follow Susan’s way to peace. Do the work!
You know, the more I read this post, the easier it gets to let go.
A little over two months ago, I had a girl I thought I was going to marry wake up next to me after 7 months, tell me she loved me and then a day later end it with no answers other than “I’m crazy about you” and “I don’t know why.”
A week after, (I hadn’t yet found this site) I reached out and explained that I wanted her to be the one I spent my life with, and after a few hours of casual conversation and noticing that she might have a serious selfish side, I got up, ignored it and left feeling better about us, leaving the communication ball in her court.
The following week, after not hearing anything and thinking about it some more, I reached out again, this time with no answer. A few days later, I got an email that crushed me, was incredibly
selfish and basically said “Still not telling you why, but I hope you’re doing well though.” I think I read “I hope you’re doing well though” 4-500 times, each time getting more and more angry,
frustrated and tearful, still ignoring the fact that this might have nothing to do with me, that it might just be selfish nonsense I’d never understand.
Then I found this site, and went NC for six weeks. Didn’t hear from her, didn’t drop it and kept the “what-if”’s and the “why”’s coming in my head (it’s really hard for me to let go) until finally,
I decide to move on, and go out with a girl I’d been talking to.
That night, around 11 p.m., I feel my phone vibrating and I look down to see that it’s her calling. I turned it off, slept on it before I checked it, checked it and it was a “hey! hope you’re doing well! I’ve got your stuff and I think you have mine! call me and we’ll meet up!” kind of message.
Checked this site again, decided to continue NC. A week later (last week), I’m sitting on vacation with my brother and his girlfriend, and my phone vibrates again. It said “Hey, still haven’t heard from you about your stuff…”, and after some discussion with my family, I was convinced that it wasn’t about stuff, and because of that, I decided to break NC.
I’m writing this because if you’re struggling with the thought of breaking it, DON’T.
A few days after, I wrote her an email that basically said “Not going to pretend to know why you waited two months to tell me about my stuff, or why you broke it off in the first place, but I know that you’ve never said you missed me, cared about me or wanted to talk, so if you’re asking to talk, fine, but if it’s just about stuff, throw it away.”
I get an email back and it’s the most selfish, “blah, blah…me…still not giving you answers…give me my stuff back” guilt trip I’ve ever read.
Moral of the story is that I SHOULDN’T have broken NC. Now, I get to start NC all over again. :)
Also, think about this.
The person who walked out of your life probably did so for selfish reasons, and if they DO come back, it’ll probably be for selfish reasons. Do you really want someone like that in your life?
Thanks for this blog. It’s as if you know EXACTLY what I’m thinking. Also want to say thanks to everyone who posted comments. Whenever the “should haves” and “could haves” start up again, whenever I start thinking I’m unloveable and that’s why he rejected me, I come back to this place and I’m grounded again in what really happened — that he missed out on an awesome gal!!!
Thanks everyone. This is a great community!
What a gift.
This is my first post here. I am so grateful to have found this place. Thank you, Susan.
My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me very suddenly last July. It has been really painful for me, and I have been feeling like I am lost and just sort of functioning and trying to find my footing again. I have gotten to the point of not crying every single day, but just barely.
I know that life goes on. I left an abusive husband about 8 years ago… got some very good therapy, figured out who I am and rebuilt my life. I finally felt like I was past that awful dark place, and moving on towards a happy, settled life with someone who really loved me. I never expected to feel this low again.
Only this pain is different and is a more heartwrenching situation for me. Somehow this hurts more than I remember it did when someone used to push me into walls and occasionally blacken my eyes. I know that probably doesn’t make any sense.
I never saw this coming. Turns out that he had someone else all along. A few days before he dropped this on me in quite a cruel way… we were looking at houses together. It was like another person invaded his body. The person speaking to me was not the person I knew the day before. To top it off, the person he left me for hounds me, is obsessed with me and has written some awful vile emails to me. She even contacted my ex-husband. She is clearly mentally unstable. I leave her (and him) alone. I have blocked her email addresses, I screen my calls both at home and at work and I don’t acknowledge any attempt by her to contact me. (She lives in another state). So, on top of the loss, I also feel very invaded.
Everything I thought I had turned out to be the proverbial house built on sand, when I thought I finally had the real thing. I hate knowing now that I was susceptible to this… I am reeling all over the place inside. I feel foolish and sad. None of our friends saw it coming either… It wasn’t just me he fooled. There is a little comfort in that, I guess.
I have so many other gifts in my life – a few very good friends who have been my lifeline, parents and siblings who love me, my kids, my house, a very good and stable job that I truly enjoy, and so much more to be grateful for.
But this has been excruciating. I don’t know why. WHY is the toughest part. I know I may never have that answer.
Before this I had already figured out that that staying angry is really like drinking poison, so I have been been determined not to let the anger I feel get a hold of me. But the sadness does. But I find it very hard of letting go of him and the life I thought we were moving towards – the one he convinced me he wanted too.
I keep telling myself that this should be easier… if he is capable of this that I should be glad to be rid of him, but it is hard to get my mind around it. I miss him. A lot.
So far, no one else has begun to even turn my head. My heart is still too wrapped up in him. I have felt like I have been stuck in a place from which I will never be able to move.
I find myself asking all of the same questions in your article, and wondering what I could have fixed about myself…why I wasn’t enough… pointing it all to it being about ME, When it really is about HIM, and his issues.
I know I have a lot more work to do on myself to find my way out of this, but this article and all the comments really helped to put it all in a better perspective for me today.
I feel like I found my next stepping stone right here. A little bit of this load I have been feeling has been lifted. Thank you.
I do agree this is a good article but
Susan,
where are YOUR sources of inspiration written on?
Or if it’s a compilation of things you’ve read than it doesn’t count?
How dare people these days call something original and ask people not to copy it when they don’t even bother to mention who’s work they inspired from?
This article is original. There are no direct quotes except where AS CREDITED. I have been an academic for many years and I’m attorney. I know what needs footnoting and what does not. My inspirations are on the right side of the blog. All the books are listed there. I regularly quote Melody Beattie, John James, Lou Tice, Robin Norwood and all of my influences. However, when I type off the top of my head, as I did here, no footnoting is needed.
This is original. The words are mine and I have a legal right to be credited for it. If you know U.S. copyright law (and it’s obvious that you do not), you know I have a right to copyright this. Ideas are not copyrightable and neither are titles. But these words, in their original form, are mine and I hold the copyright and I enforce it.
I’ve always given credit to my influences as blog readers know. Anyone who has read this blog more than a few days has no doubt who my inspirations and influences are. I would take up a lot of bandwidth acknowledging them all in every post.
But this is an original article, written by me off the top of my head and is copyrightable. This is not about “inspirations.” This is about my copyright. And as a lawyer, I know it is copyrightable and should not be STOLEN even if I was influenced by someone else. It has made me CRAZY how often I find this post on other blogs without credit and I go after them. As is my legal right and I will CONTINUE to do so.
I don’t have to mention my “inspirations” in every post. Not legally or ethically. I provide links to their works, I have a bibliography in my book and I credit any direct quote. I go above and beyond both in the law and what I consider doing the right thing.
And I will continue to enforce the copyright on this article whenever it is copied. I’ve had more copyright firestorms over this article than any other.
That’s how dare I.
Thank you very much for taking the time to answer my questions. Your comment made things clearer. I reread mine and I realized it sounded offensive so I’d also like to apologize for that.
Thank you for apologizing. If I sounded harsh, it is because I am forever arguing with people over lifting my stuff and it takes up way too much of my limited time.
No worries. Thanks for stopping by.
I also have to say that I have so many people’s quotes in my head that I do worry about inadvertently plagiarizing them. I get upset over a sentence or two thinking, “Is that mine or am I quoting someone else and not crediting them?”
And that I go through this, I get really crazy that others can lift 50 lines of mine and never credit me.
The bibliography of my book includes so many books and the reason for that is because even though I sat down and wrote my book without looking at a single book, so many of the works I’ve cited are an integral part of my fabric and I want to make sure I am not inadvertently quoting someone verbatim and not giving them credit. So many of my favorite sayings come from others and I don’t always know exactly where they come from or if it is verbatim, but I tried to list every single book I could think of that I’ve been influenced by to make sure I give credit where credit is due.
I truly put myself through the paces to make sure I’m not lifting from anyone and not letting others know of their influence on my work.
so I get crazy when others will rob me and take it so lightly. Just crazy.
Thank you again for bringing this up. I appreciate it.
Susan,
Thank you so much for all the time and effort you have spent in creating and maintaining this website. It is honestly life-changing. Your posts about getting over break-ups have brought me to tears (and your experience with your childhood, your divorce, and your academic and professional successes are beyond inspiring and moving). Your posts about people-pleasing, being a doormat, being a victim and about self-esteem are the best words and advice I have ever read. Thank you for being so straightforward and honest–it has helped me put things in perspective, snap out of my self-destructive thinking and realize the things I’ve needed to change about how I view/act with everything (friendships, myself, my way of relating to others). I’ve told my family and close friends about your site and your words of wisdom and shared your website with them as well. I’ve been reading (and re-reading) your blog daily for about two weeks now. Amazing.
Just want to say thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.
-Denise
I COMPLETELY agree, Denise. I’ve been looking through the site for about the same time period as you and personally it is the most valuable resource I’ve come across. I’ve shifted more in the past couple of weeks than I have in an age. Now, I’m a little lost (having let go of a bit) but doing okay with the void and clearer about me than I have been in a long time. I’m using it as a guide, an anchor and an inspiration.
Thank you Susan (and wise posters) and I hope the book is a roaring success. I’m sure it will be given the depth of wisdom, understanding and straight talk on the site.
Hello everyone! I just found this Website this weekend and feel like it is a good place for me to be. Sorry this is a little long but had to give short history to long problem! :)
I am not sure how to handle some things and need help in figuring out what to do. My GF and I have be broken up for about 7mos (we were together 4 a yr). She broke up w/me on the monring of her 1st yr anniversary because she felt guilty about how we got together and needed to set things straight w/all her friends and her ex-GF. She moved out. Her last relationship ended when she met me & friendship crossed the line between us. The relationship w/her ex of 5yrs was more of a roommate situation in the last years however they were still known to be together to their friends. Her friends gave her the silent treatment after she was kicked out by her EX. To keep from losing her job (we work together) I told her she could move in with me for a while. The guilt overtook her, she left me, needed time to figure things out in her life and make things right w/her friends. Basically, every time we spoke over the last months, she has known she loves me, was happy with me but felt confused about her life and what she wants. She has never asked me to do anything w/her friends and I’m not sure she has even told them we still talk. We work at the same business and she visits me during the week and most of the time I dont hear from her on the weekends. She spends all her time with her friends (all lot w/her ex), goes to weddings, birthdays and football game parties. Sometimes she spends the night with her ex who “is one of her closest friends she wants to keep in her life.” Occasionally she will text me and she calls me all the time. I know she is doing the same with her ex. I also know that she is liking me a little more because I’ve lost over 30lbs and have been working out. It seems like she has gotten the life back she used to have. I feel like I couldnt offer her all the friends as I lost most of mine (Im rebldg my friends) when my 9yr relationship ended 3yrs ago.
She said she doesn’t want to be without me in her life – “its not an option,” she loves me, wants to be with me, will do whatever it takes, she wants to see me “exclusively” but doesn’t want to put a black-n-white label on it – “lets just see how it goes.” In the last several months, she has said this several times and when I decide to give it a try, its like she backs away and says give her a few days or “why do we have to call it anything?” and “I think a wonderful friendship would be really good for us right now.” I tell her I need to know what we are doing here, so I can know what 2 expect because I don’t want 2 be hurt or disappointed and I know she doesnt either. I told her how I feel about her friendship with her ex right now and how her ex seems to be very influential in her life still. She says she sleeps on the couch whenever she has spent the night with her ex on several occasions and she has not been with her or anyone else – she doesnt want anyone else but me. I told her if we were to consider working on things that her ex would have 2 back out of the picture for a while if we are to ever have a chance – friends or not – and definitely NO spending the night. I also wanted to have 1 sacred date night (on Fridays which the 1st one was cxld & never done again) and a shared night during the work week (thursdays are typical for her to ask me to do something) – we agreed we both had some things to work on and want to take things slow to see how we can come together. Most of the time I feel like I fall 2nd to all her friends and her ex. Sometimes I feel like she’s “stalling” when making plans with me over the weekend (our only days off together are Fri Sat) as if shes waiting to hear from her friends first. Like this weekend…..
Today is her birthday. I asked if I could take her out for a birthday dinner 2 weeks ago. She said she still hadn’t thought about it and had even considered going out of town with her best friend or going out of state to visit her family however was low on funds. She still hadn’t given me an answer until I had to pry it out of her 2 nights ago. It was the same night we had a discussion about getting back together taking it slow and how she doesnt want to put a label on our status (too much pressure?). She’s also taking one college class at work so she feels she doesn’t have any time to commit to a relationship (so why does she say exclusive?) We both have a 4 day weekend as we both asked for her bday off for the same days last year. She agreed to our date night & days for every Friday starting “next week” and she wanted to go for her birthday dinner on Sunday (tomorrow).
Problem is, what was she doing Fri Sat night then? If her best friend was out of town, who would she spend her time with? She had homework to do Thurs but wanted to see me and came over way early Fri morn so she could take a nap w/me while I sleep. I cooked breakfast before she took off to run homework related errands. I went out to eat w/my BF coworker (who chewed me for hours about my GF being a player & im being stupid!) & husband. My GF didn’t text or leave a vm whenever she called all day or night last night. She did leave a msg on my house phone telling me she was out with this and that person (no mention of her ex) and she would talk to me the next day. I had a weird feeling in my stomach and found that she had spent the night w/her ex. I wanted to wake her up this morning w/a birthday rose so went to her apt at 5am to find she wasnt there (yes i drove by her ex’s & saw her car was parked on the street). This hurt me so I texted her stating I couldn’t believe I was “willing to believe her & try and that we are now done!!!” By noon she texted back saying “thanks for not saying happy birthday, that I have no reason 2 b mad at her & she has done nothing wrong.” I was upset & replied that she probably heard those words this morning anyway and hoped the rest of her bday wishes would come true. She has sent me several texts since telling me how much she loves me and misses me.
A lot of other things are said by her or said frequently are:
*She wants me in her like and wants to get to know me again
*Rarey has me at her apartment & hasnt made much organizational progress there – messy
*Calls me after she gets off work but never on the weekends. Never calls to do things on the weekends
*Says is not “remotely” – “not one bone in her body” is attracted to her EX – Just very good friends. Ex is a good person & wants to keep her in her life
*Stays at EXs quite frequently but always “Stays on the couch”
*Has figured out a lot of things now including wanting to go back to school & travel to help people as in missionary work
*Often says she loves me, misses me, was thinking of me & does want to spend time w/me, wants to go on a date – yet time together often is canceled or shes not sure what she wants to do, she doesn’t feel well
*Often asks if I am seeing anyone, don’t harden my heart towards her, do you think I’ve gained some weight (shows me her stomach) and can she have another hug?
I don’t know what to think of all this. I know her ex has a big influence on her somehow and someway there is a big pull. She does things with her friends at the drop of a hat. Tomorrow is the birthday dinner and I know she will be calling. The way I feel right now is that I don’t want to see her or talk to her. I feel a fool and I have this birthday present to give her. I also know that forgetting or breaking birthday plans is a sin for either one of us. What would happen if I don’t call her tomorrow at all? Or take her out to eat? Do I give her the present and card? What to think about everything that has been going on? Shouldn’t she want to make me a priority in her life over her friends and ex if shes serious about working on getting back together? A couple of my BFs have said I am being played but when my GF comes around begging and saying all those things, I get so messed up!!! Oh – and how ’bout me being on the Arts council for the city and now her ex-GF is going to be president chairman this year? I really don’t know if I can be on the same committee with her ex!!! What if she assigns me to porta-potty duty or something!?! Can someone pleeaasssse help me sort through all these feelings?
Thank you so much for your responses!
Dazed & Confused
A few days ago my boy friend of 61/2 years told me he had feelings for a girl at work. He said is was confused and didnt know what to do. I am in shock, we just bought our dream house and were taking the next step in our lives talking about getting married and having kids. I feel hurt that he is doing this to me. I have put my life on hold but after reading this I am ready to put myself first and re group and find someone who knows that I am what they want, and I wont have to wait for anything.
Hey Disbelief my advice to you is to Disengage from this loser. The One doesn’t do that. I know you must be in shock right now, but the thing is, the people who say these kinds of things never stop there. A year later it’s the new girl in marketing, then it’s the person they’re getting sooo close to at the gym. It’s not you and it won’t be the first time. This situation hurts muuuuuuch more if you try to make sense of it or hang in there or listen to the other person go back and forth in their minds. Walk away and go create a really cosy place to heal for a while. You deserve better and you’ll find it faster – or it will come to you – when you let go of people who don’t deserve you. This guy doesn’t deserve you.
I have boyfriend, but i really care for this other guy. he and i had a brief relationship but I can’t get over him. things with my bf aren’t so great and having this guy on my mind doesn’t help. I talked with the other guy and asked him how he felt about me, after i told him i care for him a lot. he said that he has feelings for me but that’s all he’ll say because i’m still with my bf and when it’s all said and done i’m gona go back to him. so he won’t tell me how he feels. Why can’t he honestly tell me what he feels or wants? I can’t figure out if he doesn’t want to be vulnerable or he doesn’t care, what?
Dazed & Confused
Take a very deep breath and then read what you just wrote above as though you are an outsider. Read it as though you are not remotely involved with this person; you are reading it merely as a completely unbiased bystander. Then see what opinion you form about this person who supposedly cares about you.
Let me guess. You would come to the same conclusion that any sane, rational person would: this person does NOT care about you in the way that you deserve. This person is NOT considerate of your feelings. This person puts you LAST after all their other friends, only bothering to be with you after all the other options are exhausted. THIS PERSON IS NOT “THE ONE”!
No wonder you are so “dazed and confused” with the whole push-pull of this so-called relationship! This is way, way, WAY beneath what you as a loving individual deserve.
Take another very deep breath, take a good look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself “I am worth SO much more than this crap!” Read every single thing you can on this site, visit it daily and learn as much as you can; start to love you and get the strength to leave this toxic relationship behind. Go NC TODAY.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it just drives me crazy to hear about someone being treated so badly by someone who professes to care.
Best wishes on the journey ahead -
SILVER
I just found this website after picking up Susan’s book last night. I am most grateful! It sounds like the people on this blog are smart, honest, and sincere. I would love any comments, suggestions you have for me. Here is my situation:
I have been married for 27 years with 3 grown sons. I was a devoted mom and determined to give my children a stable, happy home. I cringed when I read Susan’s preface about the hell of her marriage. My husband has always been kind and honest, but rather passive aggressive. For ex., he has always thought housework and cooking were beneath him. I would ask nicely, beg, cry, scream for help with the household responsibilities when the boys were small and he would refuse to help. I would be so angry and resentful as I needed to work full-time to provide for our family but I didn’t receive any support. As the boys grew and spent more time away from home, our marriage began to crumble. I developed migraines, gained weight, and refused sex. I found girlfriends to spend time with rather than my husband. His source of distraction was to watch TV–something he could do for hours upon hours. The more TV he watched, the more distant and cold I became.
The summer of 2006 I went to Alaska with our youngest son. We were away from home for 2 months–and I discovered I loved being on my own. I found a man who was “trapped” in an unhappy marriage and spent a lot of time talking with him. I developed strong feelings for him and began to seriously contemplate divorce. (Nothing ever became of this relationship, other than a lot of heartache.)
When I returned home, I was very distant and spent time thinking about how I was going to make the separation/divorce happen. Eventually everything came together. In 2008 we sold our house and moved to a rental. The company my husband worked for went bankrupt and he was forced to seek employment in a neighboring state. My youngest son graduated from high school. I secured a wonderful position in a place that I had always wanted to move to. All these changes meant that we would live apart in 2 different states, with my husband visiting 5 days each month.
It took me months to work up the courage to tell him I wanted a divorce but in March, I broke the news. He was absolutely devastated. I was baffled by his reaction. He had to notice how unhappy I have been! The way things stand is that I am trying to be kind and sensitive to him–give him some time to adjust. I have the divorce papers ready for him to sign but he refuses at this point.
Today I called him for the first time in ages. I jsut wanted to touch base about our sons. He obviously “read” more into the call than I intended. He said over and over how nice it was to hear my voice and how he hoped to hear from me soon. Out of the blue, I have been thinking that MAYBE I have been too hasty, we possibly might be able to work things out. Do you ever have crazy thoughts like this? Why? I think I need sleep on it….
Seven long months ago my girl friend of six years left me for a married man.
One snow swept November evening she came home from work and told me that she had been seeing a married man, and that she loved this man. In the few seconds it took her to say those words, my world was shattered. All I believed, all I trusted, and all I knew, were rewritten in the beat of heart.
Due to circumstances, we continued living under the same roof for the months that followed, but as housemates. I would like to think those final months together a slow and graceful bow from each others lives, but the truth, the truth is those final months spent together were the most painful period of my life. It was the long drawn, deep and dying breath, of all we had meant to each other. But in those months, I could not stop caring for her, and I could not stop loving her, even though looking into her eyes, told me her heart was forever lost to me.
And as I write this, she now lives with this married man. He, having abandoned his wife and three children to be with her. My heart it seems, was just one casualty in many.
Her and I still have unfinished business though, and we still have to see each other from time to time. One such occasion was last week, but last week was different. I was shocked to realise I had no feelings for her anymore and it scared me. I dug deeper to try and find some feeling for her, but I couldn’t. After seven years, and after enduring so, so much, my love for her finally been extinguished. I should look on this as a happy release from what has happened, the drug that numbs the pain, but it has been my experience that this has only brought more pain.
As strange as this may sound, the loss of my love for her, hurts more than losing her, and I don’t know what that means!
Hi Christopher, I experienced this also, it took me years to really let go. I realised, on talking to a therapist years later, that I hadn’t really wanted to. I kept thinking about it, and realised it was because I hadn’t created anywhere to go TO. There is a big difference between going away from something, and having somewhere new to go TO! People who don’t know how, or can’t, create that new place, latch onto the next person they possibly can, usually not with great results. But if you put effort and energy into creating a new life, it becomes something to look forward to. I think this is what Susan’s two-pronged approach is all about – doing the work while building the new life. Otherwise you get over it and then what? Back from a minus situation to zero.
I can’t believe it (but I do) when people say they stayed living in the same house, my heart would have just exploded in sadness if I had done that, congratulations on surviving! That’s a really strong character, who I am sure can come up with new things to get distracted by or interested in. The strength and resilience you have shown are going to be useful in your continuing life I am sure.
Susan also mentioned something on this site a while back that meant a lot to me. Someone wrote asking whether they would even find someone the same as the one who had gone. Susan said well no, you won’t, because the right person for you in the future will LOVE you and treat you well, and this one clearly didn’t. You want BETTER THAN and MORE THAN before. And you now have a chance at it. Don’t waste your life on someone who would stay in the same house after leaving you – you want someone who would never do that. Can you imagine doing that to someone? I don’t care what they look like or how sweet you think she is – that’s not a caring person. I’m GLAD you have another chance at a better match.
For what it’s worth!
TangoLola
Hi TangoLola, and thank you for your kind comments, they are very much appreciated.
Living under the same roof as her, whilst she continued her affair with this married man was so very hard. Every day my heart took countless blows, but economics, and circumstances, dictated we had no other choice. And If I’m very honest, I stayed with her because I did not trust the other guy and still cared what happened to her. She may have shot me point blank, yet I still wanted to protect her and make sure no harm came to her.
That she has gone from my life, on that I have no regrets anymore. In our last few months together, I saw in her a person that I would not wish to have stand by my side. It was almost as though the person I once loved had gotten up one morning, walked out the door and never came back. A stranger had taken her place. She had choices, and she chose to hurt so many people.
I suspect I’m still not completely past events, and I’m just confused that my loss of love for her, troubles me more than actually losing her. It just feels so sad that as my love for her ebbed away, a part of me died.
I may no longer have anybody by side, but I believe what happened to me forged a better man. What doesn’t kill a heart makes it stronger. I have lost my partner and best friend, my house and my job. But, in the face of all that, these are just opportunities to start again, and this time, to do it better.
I’m just scared, that next time I tell a woman that I love her, I will wondering, just what does that really mean.
Once again TangoLola, thank you for taking the time to reply, it was a great help to read your words. I hope you have found where it is you want to go to.
Chris
Hi Christopher,
I can relate to that feeling. I also sometimes wonder if I still know what ‘love’ really means. When someone you loved deeply just turns their back on you, that’s bound to cause some issues to consider what ‘love’ is all about.
I for one am not surprised that your love has ebbed away – especially because you were living with her in a house for so long after the break up. You’ve been confronted with her callousness and disrespect for quite some time. You stood by, observed, and drew the conclusion that you did : that you would not want a woman like her to stand by your side. It’s beyond anything I’d ever want to experience. It seems like a horrible, gruesome time.
Do not feel upset you do not feel anything for your Ex now. She has done everything in the book to assure them to die out. Basically, it’s your mind saying : ‘I’m not going to put up with this. I see you for what you are. I am done with you. Buh Bye.’ Personally, I think it’s a very healthy thing to feel. At least, to me it makes a lot more sense to process and stop caring, instead of going on loving a person who keeps on hurting and abusing you. Now THAT’s dysfunction.
I don’t think you should feel like a part of you died because you do not love her anymore. It’s the relationship that died. Nothing else. In due time, you will come across someone worthy of your affection, and I am sure that, if she is the right person for you – you will be able to love again.
So … if you ever tell another woman you love her, and you wonder what it really means : keep in mind : it sure as hell didn’t mean what your Ex did to you. When you find it, you will recognize it. Keep believing in that.
Hi Mea,
Thank you for taking the time to reply and posting your thoughts. It’s always very helpful to read other peoples thoughts, which are much more objective than my own mixed emotions are capable of at the moment.
You are right Mea, my ex has become a woman I would not want by my side perhaps though, it is the feeling that her and I can never be again, perhaps that is where my feelings of sadness stem from (I did say I was a little confused :)
I have read many posts where people have longed for their ex to see the error of their ways and return to them, but for me, no matter if she did abandon her married boyfriend, I could never have her back. She is a stranger now who I have no feelings for. Perhaps my sadness comes from knowing that her and I will never ever be again.
And no matter how deeply I loved her, I can’t even say that I wish I could change the past, and we could still be the people we were. I needed to see this side of the person I had loved these six years.
Thank you once again though Mea for putting things into perspective for me. It helps.
reject the rejector?
what if everyone rejects you? reject the world?
Start with accepting yourself and take it from there. :-)
Hi Tom
I know the feeling. Two months ago my girlfriend left me. I have been absolutely devastated. Usually I would turn to friends or family to help me when the times are tough – but I am living in a foreign country. My friends and family are literally on the other side of the world. My friends here have rejected me. I have had to deal with the pain of loss on my own. I write my feelings. I mediate. I exercise. Does it make any difference? I dont know. Each day is varying degress’ of feeling crap and lost.
I found some peace in studying Buddhism.
Actually, I am feeling negative today. The truth is I am making progress but its hard without a good support network.
But Annae is right – its starts with accepting yourself, loving yourself. Sometimes I feel it, and when I do everything is ok. Those moments when I just am, I am one with the moment – not craving what was or what could have been – just being.
Thanks to everyone here who has shared their stories. Its nice to know that others have been through the ordeals of heart and survived. I know I will too.
i have sat here and written my story several times and cant help but sound like a lost case. ive been with a man i have liked since i was 11, fell in love at 19, had our son at 22. now i could sit here and say that im trying to save this for my son but the reality of it is i cant let go. scuse my language but WTF y cant i let go. i know he does nothing for me, i know he cheats on me, i know he needs me and not the other way around. i pay the bills, i give the love, i give him everything he needs and i am left with nothing….nothing to give myself….i feel sad all the time now……i dnt even know wat would make me happy now if its not him…….wats more messed up is that i didnt have a good self esteem to start with so with all this rejection ive been taking in its like i cant find my way back. ive been trying to kick him out for days.and i always find an excuse to let him stay. y cant i do this, y cant i be strong!!! wats wrong with me!!!!
I was a teenager when I got pregnant. My boyfriend and I went our separate ways. He said he loved me and I will never forget… I was scared and self protective and sure that it was better to count on myself. I had a very hurtful childhood. Four months into my pregnancy I would have done anything to have him there, but was living with relatives who didn’t want to involve him. I cried a lot. When the baby was born I was so sad that he wasn’t there; I felt guilty. A couple years later I was finally independent. I started looking for him with no luck. It took me years to move on. In my mid 20’s I married a man who I took a chance on and fell in love with. He had pursued me for a couple years. He “loved” me through his alcoholism. He never changed, even when we had children. It got out of control and I separated from him to protect my children. Then he died, suddenly. I still can’t talk much about it without falling apart in all kinds of ways. I tried a grief group but couldn’t go through with it. I have to keep my life together. Too much depends on me. I eventually found my first love. I made the mistake of telling him I still had feelings…Of course, he didn’t love me. At least my oldest has a father now. I have to see him all the time so they can have a relationship. I have so much to grieve and no space for it in my life. Pain, loss, rejection and a lot of responsibility. I haven’t seen anyone(romantically) in four years. I’ve gained weight. I try to do the best I can for my family. I really don’t have time to be good to myself. There have been guys interested in me but where is there any room for them in my life? I’ve noticed in the past I make excuses for rejecting advances (“He’s too old for me”,” I’m too old for him”, “He’s probably married” , “I could do better” and even”He could do much better, why would he want me” ??!!” or I cut short the conversations that men start with me out of anxiety and feign disinterest. Can you help me correct my thinking?
Messed Up Mum, there’s a million ways to start moving forward through this, and hopefully you will get lots of suggestions on this site. It’s hard work but it’s possible and there are lots of happy times on the way through also, you don’t have to be perfect to have great times! But it will be a lot better when you feel like you are more on top of this stuff.
Everything on this site that Susan has written is going to help, I just wanted to mention that I think how we talk to ourselves is really important, including the names we give ourselves. You’re a work in progress, someone who is actively looking for healing things and ideas, that’s a Smart Mum, or a Getting It Together Mum, or a On Her Way Mum. Let yourself feel exactly how you feel right now, and let yourself completely accept it. You might not feel exactly thrilled at the moment, but you can be comfortable in your own skin as you find out better ways to deal with your own personal history (which is precious, by the way, as is everyone’s).
As small a step as you might feel that posting your post above was, it just shows that you’re not Messed Up … you’re on your way … baby steps if need be … one foot in front of the other in the right direction and you CAN’T go wrong. Welcome to the beginning of your new life. It all starts with the faith to look for some better ways of thinking about things. If you can get honest enough to admit that your life isn’t working for you right now, there are a million ideas and things you can try, and some of them are going to be just perfect for YOU …
TangoLola
Hi
I came by your blog today while contemplating the past couple of months.
For the first time since my breakup i feel like myself again, and that is such an uplifting thing. I think a lot of the time, when we love someone we give them a part of who we are and its difficult to rebuild after that. Your post makes so much sense to me, and i feel like ive finally started to get over things and look towards my future with optimism, hope and respect both for myself and for the lessons i have learnt. I actually feel a little proud for having come this far :)
Thankyou for helping to make people’s lives just that little bit easier, it means so much.
What happens when you simply can’t “reject the rejector”?
When I was 17, I confessed to a girl that I was in love with, and she rejected me. She told me that she had known about my feelings all along, but she just didn’t feel the same way. We were really good friends, and after my confession, she did her best to make sure that our friendship didn’t fall apart over it, but we still ended up drifting apart, mainly because I couldn’t handle being around her anymore. It wasn’t hard for me to avoid her, since she was a year younger than me and had all different classes.
I’m now 20, and in the three years since, I’ve become somewhat infatuated with several different women, but my feelings for them were never even a fraction of what I felt for her.
I recently got back in touch with this girl via the internet. I figured that now that so much time had pass, I’d be over her and be able to go back to the way we were before, but after a while, I couldn’t deny that I was still very much in love with her. Today I told her how I felt, but that I knew that her feelings for me hadn’t changed at all. She was very sweet about the whole thing, and did her best to try and spare my feelings. Just like before, she still wants to maintain the same friendship that we’ve had. And as pathetic as it may sound, I really do believe that it’s what she really wants.
Even though I know that this girl will probably never share my feelings, I’m still totally and completely in love with her. For my own sake, I know that the best thing to do would be to cut myself off from her, but I know that if I stop talking to her again, it’ll only make her feel like she’s some kind of bad guy or something for not returning my feelings, and I really couldn’t do that to her. How am I supposed to deal with the pain I feel at being rejected if I still have to interact with this girl on a regular basis?
and for her, its probably less about “maintaining the same friendship that we’ve had”, and more about doing what makes her feel the best
Jack,
In your situation, you just have to “reject the rejector”. If there’s any possibility for friendship, its much further down the road, after you’ve healed. If you could comfortably be friends with her now, I don’t think you would have posted.
The bottom line is that you have to do what is right for you. No one else will do it for you. Its ok. There’s plenty of great material on this blog that supports that notion.
Jack,
I completely agree with Sleepless here. You have to do what is best for you. Seeing how she respects you enough to be honest with you, I think she will respect and understand your decision of not being friends. Maybe some day you’ll be able to. But don’t subject yourself to this if you know it’s going to hurt you, and it’ll get you no where.
Today is 2 months since my relationship ended. Two months on and I feel only slightly better. I’m in my mid 30s, I have had a few long term relationships – the longest being 6 years. However my latest relationship was only 11 months long, but it has left me feeling more hurt than I have ever been before. My best friend died just over a year ago – that was hard to deal with, but this is so much harder.
I read the article about ‘ was your relationship healthy’ and can say that none of those items related to me. My relationship did not have any cheating, drug abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse or any other similar negative and destructive treatment. It was loving, caring and fun. But ultimately I was replaced.
I am only now starting to accept it is over and there is no hope of reviving it. I tried, and failed, to do the NC. I have send the odd text and email. My last message said last message said lets not let our bond go to waste just because we are not in a relationship. She finally responded last night, saying she is busy and probably wont have time. That really did it for me. Ever since then I have been so angry! I have had so much anger towards her and her new partner. Anger feels slightly better than sadness, but really it doesnt feel good. its not as good as the fun, laughter and caring that I used to experience.
I am so upset with the way things ended. She was my best friend. Now she has gone and there still is a massive whole in my life. I have read and reread this blog numerous times. I have read several self-help books. And there is much wisdom that I have learned, but it does not change the fact that I have lost something that I valued so much.
Two months today. I realize I have a long way to go. I never knew love can cause so much pain, sadness and disappointment.
Hi Broken,
I’m sure you’ve heard this, so, so many times before, and I’m pretty sure at the moment you may not be able to see this, but time does heal everything. In retrospect though, it’s not that time heals, it’s just our memories, those photos taken by the faulty cameras of our mind, begin to fade and yellow.
I was in a relationship for six years, and I gave her my all. Like you, our relationship was caring, loving and fun, and just like you, I was replaced, in my case by a married man cheating on his wife. Unfortunately her and I had to spend a number of months living under the same roof, and during that time I think we both came to the conclusion that her new partner was needy, insecure and jealous. So, my ex wants to to go down the lets be friends route, which in retrospect gives her security and a safety net. In truth though, the lets be friends thing is tearing me in two. I still love her, and I don’t want to abandon her, but she had the choice, and I didn’t. As much as it kills me, I have to let her go, and just prey she is OK. It hurt like hell losing her to another man, and now, abandoning her is going to hurt all over again.
The thing that gets me through all this though, is music, and one track in particular. Your Heart Is An Empty Room, by Death Cab For Cutie. This song seems open to interpretation, but for me, it is just a beautiful song about gently letting go of someone, and hope for the future.
I hope you heal soon, and I hope your wounds don’t leave too many scars. Sometimes the most beautiful of flowers grow in the darkest of places. If I can only do one good thing today, I hope I can give you a little hope.
Travel well.
Hi billfenton
Thanks heaps for replying – that actually means a lot. I’m sitting at work – as I have for the past few montsh – feeling like crap. Missing her, angry at her, wondering how and when I can get over this.
I’m now listening the to song you recommended. Thanks for that. I have gained much strength and distraction thru music. The song that is my healing anthem is Momma Sed by Pusifier (if you like Tool, its the same singer) You can hear it here – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dR3ccmWmLhk.
I realize now I cant be friends with my ex. Unlike other breakups my heart is SO broken. I havent experienced this level of emotional pain before. I cant imagine a time when I am not attracted to her. I want her so bad. I really want to make contact with her, to see her, and to have fun together like we used to. But I know that will never happen again. Its one of the hardest truths I have ever had to accept. And often I just cant accept it.
And you have done somthing good today. Your words have bought comfort to a stranger.
Thanks mate.
TangoLola
Thank you for the comforting advice.
I used to think that it was how well I did in school or at my job that would make the biggest difference in my life.
Now, after two breakups (a long-term one and a short-term one) in the past year, I see that for me, its how well I handle the hard times emotionally that makes the biggest impact. Because I haven’t handled them well, they’ve taken their toll physically. They didn’t have to.
My point is that it’s more than just about emotions.
This blog is a great resource and community. I’m happy I found it!
I just really wanted to read the blogposts and comments. But it seems I really need to get these all out. Not the half truths that I tell my friends.
I was with this guy for 15 months. It started good I became controlling, needy and clingy probably because I was afraid he did not care enough of me and he had a one night stand 6 months into our relationship and continued an affair online with this woman for two months until I found out. We broke up for two weeks then I took him back. I got pregnant you see and then I learned I need surgery to take out 2 huge cysts in my uterus. I had a miscarraige though but we still stayed together. But I did not trust him enough and became even more controlling, needy and clingy with anger issues all together. I could not hold my tongue and I cursed him and called him names lots of names and he withdrew not seeing me for days.
It truly was an unhealthy realtionship. Also starting on the 3rd month of this so called relationship I started taking care of him. Asking me money for transportation, borrowing me money to pay for rent and most of the time I took care of our dates. His business failed and he was also in depressed situation but clang to me for support. With this my insecurities surfaced even more because I was afraid he did not really love me but only used me as a financial crutch. I did not keep these thoughts though instead everytime I have had a chance I always bring it up. Oh Gosh let’s just say I got crazy! I was also afraid that I was just an option since he somehow gives more attention to his friends and drinking than me.
I let him stay in my place with no rent, I fed him and took care of him. All 15 months I never received any gifts from him and just 1 bouquet of flower. I am not really particular of those things but an effort would have been nice. And all the while I gave him everything he needs of me.
I can’t talk to my friends about this because I feel so stupid, foolish and dumb for having this man get me this way. He broke up with me over 2 weeks ago and I made the mistake of begging and crying. Then NC for two weeks already.
Although I look okay to my friends but inside I am breaking. I am not sure if I am grieving right. I have been reading this blog all day at work for 4 days and I am so unproductive at work. Tears just roll off my cheeks whenever I remember something about him although I know how bad the relationship was. Twice a week fights took it’s toll. I am just lost. I want to get out of this miserable emotions playing in me.
Hi hopeful
You say “I can’t talk to my friends about this because I feel so stupid, foolish and dumb …”. Talk to your friends. Let them know that you have felt uncomfortable talking to them for the reasons that you mentioned, but do talk to them. If the say you are stupid or foolish then they are not real friends. And believe me, in challenging and truamatic times in life you do find out who your real friends are.
But its better to risk finding out who your real friends are and begin healing than to bottle it up inside. Trust me – I know. I have been trying to deal with my loss for the past few months. I thought I was doing well – I was fooling myself. Talk to your friends. Be careful not to over do it. If you keep bringing it up they will get sick of hearing it – thats only natural. But if they care, the will listen, and they will help.
hopeful,
You have come to the right place. There is a lot of great information here for you so continue to read and post. You will get a lot of great comments pertaining to your situation. It sounds like it truly was an unhealthy relationship.
At the beginning of the post you said “…because I was afraid he did not care enough of me…” What was it that made you afraid that he didn’t care enough?
Thank you Sleepless and Broken for your comments. In the weekend though I found something that tore me apart. I learned prior to the breakup he has been emailing and calling a French woman who worked and lived in another city (we are all expats in this country) who gave her number to him in a party way before. Then when I went for a holiday outside of this country he also went somewhere to see her. When we came back a row of arguments followed that led to the breakup.
He even had the audacity to asked me all the things I bought for him after the breakup and I made a mistake of post breakup sex. Damn!
But right after that night I cut off all contacts. They said the truth will set you free although it rings true to me now but I feel so crashed, used and just plain miserable.
As I learned the French woman promised him marriage so he can have a a French passport. That is so not possible since he is still officially married though but separated. The wife is in Africa with 4 kids. Maybe somehow he can get away with this but I am sure he is using her the way he used me. He has been living in this country with no visa for over a year already and he is desperate for help since the government has started tracking down Africans who live here illegally and deporting them.
Then the woman asked to be transferred in this city and last week she came and now they are living together in an apartment which I am sure she is paying and feeding him and giving him money the way I did.
I have been reading the posts though and doing a lot of introspection and getting to know myself why I got into the weave of deceit.
The revenge of tipping the police where he is staying so he can get deported is so strong though.
I’m sure lots of you have problems with self-esteem.
I do too. But try to name JUST ONE PERSON who has never done something STUPID in love.
My sister married the VILLAGE IDIOT for 30 years and never listened to anyone’s advice.
I did less stupid things. But stupid just the same.
Just remember that you are just as much of a person as anyone else on this “planet of the apes.”
You are an imperfect jewel in your own perfect way.
(did I say that right?)
Thanx a lot Susan!!
This is what i always wanted, to get over from that horrible past, and you gave me a hand. thanx for that favour…i love it!
And of course, you are truely correct.
Thank you zillion times!!! =) =) =)
Hey m u m, I just noticed your post above, you’re welcome. I just really feel positive about how much we can change how we feel about our past – it’s worth doing the work and getting really honest about it, you can change your world.
I went to a party last night where lots of people from a scene I used to be involved with were going to be attending. I was kind of hesitant but wanted to catch up with the host and see some old friends. I have done a LOT of work writing, yoga, reading everything I can get my hands on, trying new things and new ways of dealing with difficult situations. And I believe all the ideas about reprogramming our mind to come up with different options (NLP and EFT ideas). I do tapping and pressure point stuff, and lots of things, or all of them together, have made a HUGE difference in how I feel, and how I regard my past relationships and difficult situations.
I saw people there who I used to be scared of or feel bad around – and I saw fear and bitterness and jealousy in their eyes. I saw people who have never stopped a moment, never got off the everyday treadmill and had an honest look at what’s happening in their lives. Saw some pretty ugly relationships continuing, and some pretty unhappy people clearly locked into things they are too scared to get out of. And I felt cosy, happy and light. Slept in today and woke up feeling totally peaceful and serene. I cannot tell you how different this is from how I used to react!
Things that confuse me or make me sad or hurt – I look at them and work out why. And anyone insults me – too bad, it’s not my problem to fix them, or my duty to stay around them – I remove myself immediately. WHO CARES why some people from my past treated me badly – I chose them based on insecurity, fear and hurt. I can choose better in the future. The fact that they hurt me is THEIR STUFF – not mine. I can’t have any respect for anyone who would do that. So where I used to feel not good enough – now it’s that there is no space in my life for hurtful users. Thank God they are out of it, and the ones who try to re-enter are finding it’s just not a possibility.
Learning how to create my own world, mainly through this site and reading Melody Beattie’s books, has completely changed my everyday world. I didn’t know how to cope with things or walk away because I didn’t know that I was valuable enough to protect. Now I start each day with some images of reinforced steel barriers protecting me, I put them up when anyone tries to ruin my day. And I say nothing and move on. And it means that the people who ARE worth the time – can get my undivided, not bitter self, completely free to enjoy them. I am very careful about my time and my attentions now. They are focused on what brings me joy and peace and makes me laugh – the rest of the losers who try to “make my day” quickly realise they are not recognised in my universe.
And it means that I can give my attention to others who i want to help as well – I wasn’t strong enough when I was reeling from putting up with bullies. Now I sidestep and continue on my way – and it’s MY world. That’s better. I get it now that when you do enough work you lose the fascination with people who are lying cheaters – why bother?
TangoLola
How long do we keep looking? I mean it is easy to say, they person that truly loves you is out there and this person was not that person, if they don’t want you. Makes sense to me in short term relationships. But mine was 7rs, others are even longer? How long are we supposed to believe that the person that will never leave us is out there, when the things you say we need to look for in your post, we got from the person leaving us for soo long.
Maybe, in those instances of long term relationships, we need to ask ourselves why WE let it go on that long without a real commitment. Mine was 10 years. There were red flags…not being able to talk about the future, make future plans. He avoided and joked about marriage and family. And then at the end, when he was leaving, had the nerve to turn it around and get angry and say he didn’t think I even wanted to marry him. Ass!
Never again will I spend that much time on a relationship without a commitment. 2-3 years tops, and if there can’t be open talk about our relationship, I’m out of there as soon as that red flag appears.
Oh my. I can’t believe how much of this entire site speaks directly to me. Wanna read a tragic story?
I am 49 years old. When I was 18, I was engaged to my high school sweetheart. He was a musician – very talented, with a big future.
One day, he walked into my parents’ home. He looked ill. He went on to say he was sorry but he needed to end our engagement, our relationship, everything. I was destroyed. Absolutely inconsolable and in utter disbelief. My parents were worried sick about me; I wanted to die.
I thought I would never get over him. I married someone else (on the rebound, but that’s another tragic story), but I never forgot this man. He absolutely ravaged my soul, and I don’t think I ever really recovered from it. But, as my mother assured me while I wept on my bedroom floor, face-down: time is your friend. Time will heal you. And in some ways, it did. But not all the way.
Fast-forward 31 years…
I get an email that I have a new message waiting at classmates.com. I log in to check it, and to my complete shock, it’s *him*. As charming and warm as he always was. He drew me in, befriended me again. I was in heaven. We both knew where it was going.
[We are both married. I have grown children; he started late and has a 9-year-old. We live 1000 miles apart.]
He declared he was not going to give me up a second time — something he’d never forgiven himself for, and that he had been ashamed about for years. He lost me once, and it was not going to happen again, because he never stopped loving me. Being in an unhappy marriage myself, I was completely out of my mind crazy about him.
We talked on the phone, text-messaged like fiends, and basically fell in love again. We met once or twice (in public places) when he came to my hometown to visit relatives. It was everything I’d ever dreamed of…I finally had him back. For the first time in my life, it felt OK to be vulnerable, and to trust a man again.
Six months of this absolute uncontrolled bliss went by. After years of closing my heart off to people — mostly because of what he had done to me — I was finally able to love again. To trust again. He brought me out of my shell and convinced me that he really loved me.
Six months of “I promise I will never, ever leave you again” and “I am in this for the long haul, you need to believe it” and “I love you more right now than I ever have,” and plans for our being together in the future being so incredibly solid and thought-out. My own marriage had failed and was in the shutting-down stage. I thought that for the first time in 3 decades, I had a shot at being happy. We met and consummated the relationship on 3 July.
Then his wife found out.
And then, within 24 hours, the text message on 4 July of this year:
“I want to heal my relationship with my wife. I still love her.”
He did it to me again. All in the span of a 24-hour period, from the time his wife found out about us, to the time he dropped me like a stone. And now I am going through the same hell I went through 31 years ago. I can’t believe I fell for it all over again.
I am a fool. I allowed this to happen. I am a successful person with going on two graduate degrees…and I could not see this coming. I thought he really loved me.
The biggest problem I’m having right now is avoiding contact. I sleep with my phone next to my pillow, in hopes that I will awaken to find a message from him. It’s been four days so far, and the pain is so searing I can hardly function. It is clear now that he never loved me, and I am having a very difficult time reconciling that. All I want to do is cry and beg him to come back to me. (In fact, to my eternal shame, I have done just that, yesterday. If only I could call that letter back from the post office.)
I need to go back and read the rest of the site again. Tough words to digest, but I know they will ultimately make the best sense.
For right now, though — there’s little left of me.
Tragic? Stupid/foolish? God. I wrote the friggin book.
i have a very simliar situation fool forever. and i seem to keep making huge mistakes. i am having an impossible time getting over someone who doesnt love me and treated me awful and would only show his good side occasionally. it makes me wonder why i am so sick as to mourn and to practically beg this person to love me when i know he has done me so wrong. what is wromg with me?? i just want to never think of him again and i am trying everything. i have degraded myself. but here is a huge problem i wonder if anyone can help me with. its something that destroys me when im having a better day and something i cant seem to stop even though i know i am killing myself. its the myspace and facebook thing. i have deleted him but cannot stop obsessively looking at his page and his friends and can still see tagged pics of him enjoying himself at parties and going on with his life while i sit and cry. i see him write comments to his ex gf that he is still in love with, this tears me up so bad and i know its the worst thing i can do but cannot seem to stop!! i hate these websites because they give you a window into someones world that you should not have. and its TORTURE for me. does anyone else have this problem? i should delete anyone who knows him because even if he is off my facebook as my friend, i can still see things about him even when im stronger and dont check his page. oh god i am miserable and hate myself for being so weak. he wont even return my pathetic texts anymore and i feel like the biggest loser on the planet.
also, i have tried no contact. i go about 2 months at a time then i fail. this last time i was doing so well. then the other day i literally bumped into him at the mall. i havent seen him in months and had been doing ok with nc. this destroyed me to see him. we texted each other all that day and he seemed excited to talk to me. he wants to be friends. i cannot do this. so once again i started nc but not before making a pathetic fool of myself again by asking of seeing me had any effect on him and finding out he still doesnt care. now he wont return my last texts and im back at square one. starting nc all over again and feeling the agony all over again. im a mess. it just gets harder each time and i want this time to be the last. i have a goal that at least by xmas i will feel better. i want to forget him so badly. i dont want to feel this pain anymore. why why why would fate be as cruel as to make me bump into him when all i was doing was trying to forget him and have a nice shopping day. it brought me to ruins. again. i will get right back on the nc horse again. but it hurts like hell to know that i grovelled and he is grossed out by this and wont even talk to me if i wanted to.
Do you have the book? Get the book and post in the Check-in thread. Support is here!!
Hi sadgirl1234 I related to you. so sorry. this is also my second nc. my first 30 day nc went well until he contacted me saying he wants a relationship. i was so stupid to believe him. but I did not see him in person though i was dying to. I’m so glad for HP or the universe. now I just emailed him i need another 90 nc. it totally sucks he AGREED right away.
we will be back on the horse again.
there is someone way better for us!
i do not have the book yet. i found this online when i googled because i desperately need help.
Im so glad I found this website because now I dont feel so alone. My boyfriend and I broke up a little over three weeks ago. We were only together for six months but friends for four years. We live in a small town and have all hung out with the same people for many years. I thought things were going great and then I came home from work to find a letter that he wrote saying he didnt think we should be together anymore. It was a total shock. He took everything that belonged to him from my house and left the house key on the counter. I called him that night and he said he just didnt think things were going to work with us. Well needless to say I called him several times the next day practically begging for him to come over so we could talk. He ended up coming over and we spent the weekend together but things just didnt seem right. He woke up Monday morning and said he felt trapped and he couldnt tell me no, so thats basically why he came over. He left to go out of town for a week with his family and as hard as it was I didnt call him thinking maybe he would miss me and want me back. Well he came home from vacation and I never heard from him. Two weeks ago I ran into him since we all share the same circle of friends and we kinda talked but just as friends. It was really hard for me though because I love him and want to be with him. Then I gave in again and called and cried and tried to work things out. It didnt go over so well and the last time we talked we ended up in a fight. I have run into him twice since then and we acted like we didnt even know each other. Both of my best friends are going out with his friends so its hard for me to talk to them about it. They always invite me to go where they are going but its to hard for me. He is living life to the fullest, going out with his friends and acts like he doesnt even care. Not only do I feel like I lost my boyfriend but also my friends. I always know what hes doing and where he is because of them. I feel like I have to leave town and hide because I dont want to run into him. I cant sleep or eat and constantly have anxiety wondering what hes doing. I looked at his facebook profile once and a few girls have posted pictures of them on there partying. I just dont understand how someone can say they love you that much and then up and leave. He hasnt tried to call me or text me once. Im three years older then him so I think that might have something to do with it. Most of his friends are single and maybe he thought he was going to miss out on something. I just feel so lost and dont know what to do. Ive gone through break ups before and I always lived in another town. I cant even drive through town with out passing him and I cant do the things I usually do because he will be there and it would kill me to see him with someone else. The two times I ran into him I acted like I was as happy as could be but I really wasnt. I just need some advice and someone to talk to. My friends just dont understand why I cant get over it. I know I shouldnt want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me but its not as easy as it sounds. Is this ever going to go away?? Im not saying I was a perfect girlfriend because I know I have some faults, but now im blaming everything on myself. All these “what ifs” are haunting me. PLEASE HELP!!!!
Angel
How are you doing now?? So that I know what to expect. I share your love or can I say sad story. My husband of 7.5 years has left me…again. We have been in each others lifes for half our lifes. Dating since junior high. During my college years, he did it. Left me without any answers. I fell so hard, so devasted. Six months later i get his phone call and there I go again. Now, after a 7.5 yr marriage, a 3 yr old daughter and assets and liabilities, he does it again. No reason (well thats what he says). No one else, not a problem with our sex lives, no excuse. The “its not you, its me”. So he leaves, takes all his things and thats that. I thought maybe he needed time away to see how much he’d be giving up, but he is doing just fine and does not want to work it out. I can’t cope with having a family one day, and being so alone the next. I also am there by the phone hoping I’ll get an “I miss you” or “I’m coming home” text and well..thats hoping. Ashamed to say I have sent him and told him that “I miss you” and gotten nothing in reply. So, its been a week and I find that my life has no purpose. Yeah, I have my daughter and everyday I get up and make it through the day for her, but thats for her life. What about mine? I don’t have a social life, I don’t want to make my problems my families problems, I cry all day and at night, and I come across this wonderful website and know that I’m not alone, but I already knew that. I just want to know, those that have been devasted, where are you know? will I be ok? I know I’ll live, but will I ever be happy again? If I could not make it work with someone I have know all my life, how could I make it work with anyone else?
I’m very sorry for your pain. May I suggest that you post in the “check in” thread to introduce yourself, a thread where I’m sure you’ll get more responses and feedback.
My friend let me know about this site. I’m so glad I can go someplace and I totally related to Susan’s article. It’s the story of my life! Me loving someone and them not caring so much. It hurts. Really sucks. I do not EVER want to repeat the story. But guess what?
SURPRISE! Yes it’s ANOTHER repeat:
Recently I did a 30 day no contact with this guy. Then he realized that I was “special” and wanted a relationship w/ me. Well, we played phone tag for 6 days. NEON RED FLAG. Sounds like he’s still unavailable. We finally connected on the phone. But it was weird. I mean he says he’s still interested in being in a relationship but he’s not…so asked for another no contact. He emailed me right back saying “Good luck”!
It really sucks. Crushes the ego. But deep inside I KNEW he couldn’t do it yet it sucks.
I know there is someone better for me out there! There has to be, right? I hope so…one day? I’d love to hear from someone.
Thanks.
stabitha
Yes these times do suck out loud as I like to say but the guy you were involved with doesnt sound like he knows what he really wants. If he’s playing that push and pull game with you, why are you engaging with him? He certainly doesnt sound like a guy that deserves you. Do you know what is attracting you that you let down your guard and let him in again? Usually, until we figure that out, we will do the same thing over and over again. If you knew deep inside that he couldnt do it, why did you give him the chance? You may not know why right now, but I encourage you to keep reading other posts here and try and figure that one out. It’s really not so much to do with them than it has to do with you. That’s a pretty bitter pill to swallow I know, and I’m not saying you are broken or undeserving, but what I am saying is that we need to own our own actions. So what part is your part in this?
Of course there is someone better out there for you! Of course there is…but until you understand you it’s going to be a tough road to get there. Stick with your NC this time – dont let him back in. This is your time now.
Take care
My Story.
January 2008. My partner accepts a job from a firm in Washington DC. This will mean relocation. We decide that it makes since for him to get a temporary place while I maintain our house in PA. We alternate visiting each other every weekend.
June 2008. We celebrate our 12th anniversary in Washington and my partner reveals to me that for the past 4 years that he has had a sex addiction. He tells me that he is going to weekly support meetings with SLAA and SCA and begs me to continue with our plan, which is my relocation. He asks for my support love and asks me not to leave him.
July 208. I quit my job and relocate to DC. Because of health issues and no job, I get on his insurance plan. Take a temporary job and we settle in.
December 2008. Temporary job ends. Our House in PA sells. Find out that my partner is still acting out on business trips. We agree to go to couples therapy.
January 2009. Couples therapy begins. I also read books on sexual addiction to educate myself. Books advise not to make any rash decisions within the 1st year or recovery.
March 2009. Discover that during the time my partner was acting out, there were over 80 different men.
June 2009. Celebrate 13th Anniversary. Feel like therapy is going well.
July 2009. Partner tells me that he could not be happy as long as he was in a relationship with me. It was very difficult to hear and I did not want to believe it. He further explains that there is no other person in his life romantically which for me made his decision even more confusing. I am told that he will always love me but not intimately in love with me anymore. Says he tried to force himself to do so but could not pretend anymore. Several attempts made by me to guilt him into getting back with me. I start to try manipulating the situation. Called out on it by him. I am not happy with the things I am doing to try to make him come back or who I am becoming. Read several books including GPYP. Lots of crying, yelling, begging. Willing to do anything to reconcile.
August 2009. Finally have it in my mind that it is over. Still living together. Still some high emotions on both of our parts but less of it each day. I miss the closeness but not the relationship. Feel lonely, depressed, angry and sad. Going to therapy together (same counselor) together to get us through this. Looking for jobs in PA and DC. Told that I need to be out of our apartment by December 2009. Health Insurance expires end of December 2009. Partner says he wants us to have some space then rebuild a friendship based on new foundation.
PARTNER: mid 30’s, muscular, attractive intelligent, charming, successful.
ME: Early 40’s, Overweight, average looks, intelligent, charming, unemployed, and maybe soon to be homeless.
Working on MY issues, including self-esteem, exercising and eating right. Struggle with keeping it together everyday. Feel I will always be alone.
Presently lost.
Hi Phoenix Rising,
Thanks for your kind reply. I am slowly going through this site and it is very helpful.
They guy doesn’t want to be with me. That is clear now. I do believe he cared about me some…but that’s not enough for me. I just started SLAA and realize that he doesn’t meet most of my needs, like 90%! I don’t expect my partner to be everything to me, but I do want someone who is a much much better fit. In fact I want to find a life partner and waste my time short meaningless relationships. “Dating” to get to know others is a good start.
Slowly I realize that my repeatedly getting w/ guys who are unavailable is mostly due to the familiar family dynamics as I was growing up. Both my parents were unemotionally unavailable. So when I find a guy who is unavailable MAGIC happens. It feels SO GOOD because it’s so Familiar. I know we are meant to be and inside I want to CHANGE HIM! But really what it is is that I want to change the way it was when I was growing up but I can’t fix my past and it’s destructive for me to fix him today for tomorrow.
My friend said, “No dating potentials”. That is so TRUE! I need to date the person who is in front of me today. So who is he really? I read all these posts and hear that people turn out to be completely someone else who was never in love w/ that person. Could a sane person ever see this before or are we so blind that we could never tell?
I have higher hopes and I hope it is the truth. I think as I get healthier and trust my Higher Self, I will recognize red flags sooner and make better decisions, be more discerning.
However, I don’t think I’m well enough to date for a “while”. After his acceptance of my 90nc I was initially crushed. But later I felt so FREE and HAPPY! I am totally addicted to him and my addict was crushed. But my True Self is happy and relieved. I am able to have a full life now.
I KNEW he wasn’t good for me. I saw me taking care of him and making my world about HIM. My life was starting to become so small and miserable for me yet I could not stop. It was exactly like the last one and I saw that this recent case had the potential to be even worst.
I will stick to my 90nc as I did w/ my 30nc. Who knows where I will be in 90 days. Hopefully I will be much more healthier as I intend to dive into recovery. I have seen so many wonderful things happen to other people who are working it.
“Hopefully I will be much more healthier as I intend to dive into recovery.”
You will be. Trust the process!
stabitha
I felt really good reading your reply because it sounds like you have a really good perspective on things! Yay for you!
First of all – being able to connect the bridge from your past to your present is not easy to do, but you recognize that getting invovled with emotionally unavailable people is not just bad luck of the draw. There are some reasons that keeps happening. Good for you for seeing that! There is a good book by Harville Hendrix called Keeping the Love You Find (despite the title it is for singles) that delves into how our subconcious attracts people that will “right our past”. I like a lot of this book and some of it I dont like, but it really expands on what Susan calls water seeking it own level.
The good news is that it doesnt always have to be this way. You have to know what you are looking for and more importantly what you are not seeing when you feel that “magic”. Those red flags can be really hidden. The first few dates, people are on their best behavior -keeping those red flags tucked away, but the more people relax the more those things come out. Then its up to you do decide what to do.
Some of what I try to do is first, run from the true red flags (one guy I dated had a hangover and was depressed 3 of the 4 times we talked over the phone – next!!!). Secondly the things I think may be red flags (like previous relationship ending that I dont have the full story on) those things I tuck away as possible red flags. Last and most importantly, I listen to them and I listen to me. When they say something that could potentially be a problem, I really concentrate on hearing that and not just staring into their cute eyes and dismissing what they say. That’s always been my problem! Some things are not red flags at all but just my fears – I try to listen for that too because what I need and want is so important!
So I listen carefully, observe them, observe me and take it slow. Remember this – the only timeline we are on is our own. If they dont like it or want to move faster than we are ready for then see ya to them. It cant take a long time to flush out this stuff sometimes. I’m taking my time. You should too….but only when you are ready. I tried dating just 8 months after my break up and I wasnt ready – each date I would cry at the end. So I took some time off and now boy am I ready! AFter a year and a half I’m back out there and I actually really enjoy dating – it’s so fun! It’s fun to do fun things with new people – it can be challenging to keep all my hard work and observations up front but I’m doing it. So will you – when you are ready. Take your time, keep reading and do affirmations. Affirmations – as silly as they sounded to me – really helped me start to turn the corner once they started kicking in.
So to summarize, you are ahead of the game because you see things and understand the relationship of the past to the present. Keep working on building a stronger you and the rest will sort of just fall into place. You will be your own magic very soon – I can feel it!
Hi,
Thank you movingon11 & Phoenix Rising.
I am going through the HH book “Keeping the Love you Find”. The exercises are amazing and brought up a lot of stuff. It was a difficult process but a good one. I also got the Audio of “Getting the Love You Want”. Amazing stuff! Yes I realize that HH is probably right: we are attracted to our “partner” in that he/she has the positive & negative aspects of our caretakers. It sounds like the stronger the initial attraction, the more negative aspects he/she has. As we work to heal those childhood wounds, we will hopefully not be so attracted to a person who has so much negative aspects. Of course I had hope to do the “Getting the Love You Want” w/ him. HAHHAA. What a joke.
That’s OK. I can still practice the exercises, the communication, the mirroring, etc with safe people. I am also reading Charles L. Whitfield’s “Healing the Child Within”. I’m learning tons and can see the light of the tunnel. Pg 109 maps what recovery looks like. Are you familiar w/ the book? It’s amazing! I’m going to get a copy myself. Been reading the Library’s copy.
I’m glad you took some time off for yourself to heal so that you can truly enjoy dating. I’m so glad you are seeing flags when they appear and saying “C YA!” AWESOME!!!! I will be there one day. I know. I was there early in the year and those dates were truly “get to know you’s” with little agenda, no craving need, no craziness. Agh, those were the carefree days. :)
Yes, now I am connecting to the my higher knowing self, higher power, universe, whatever you want to call it. The other day a friend of mine gave me a great image. She no longer is attaching her umbilicord cord to a guy but to her Source. Her Source will never fail her and will help her throughout her every days. WOW! What a POWERFUL image!!
I realized that I have been attaching my umbilicord cord to guys — To unsafe guys who care little about me. Imagine if a fetus did that! It would die immediately! I was dying! CRAZY. I say no more. NO MORE! I’m going to take care of my Little One, attach Me to MY Source who won’t fail me. I’m going to take care of my Little One just any healthy, loving parent would their own little sweet one. I don’t have a child, don’t intend to have one, but you know what I mean. :)
Thank you everyone for your support. I hope my words are helpful.
Big Hugs to you all!
Still coping with this abondonment….I am finally able to control the crying somewhat, but the pain in my heart (literally) is still so intense. I’m just so full of anxiety. I have the other symptoms as well, lack of appetite, lack of sleep, etc. I still find it so hard to believe that this has happened to me. I know its obvious he does not want work it out, but I’m still holding on for a miracle….I would of done alot of things different, I dont know if it would have changed the outcome.
Susan:
Thanks a ton for this article. It describes my situation completely..Its like you have put something that I have been going through. Indeed an amazing article. It helped me a lot. God Bless You :)!
Regards,
Nirav
I had never read this post as I was the person loved who didn’t love anymore. I feel very sad that I caused my ex grief and pain. He has said I was mean. I took Melody Beattie’s advise and told him how I felt, honestly and with respect and love for him & our 20 years together. I’m sorry he felt hurt, but I was dying inside, had been for years and it was harder to stay then to leave. It wasn’t a choice easily made. It took me 6 years to make it. He isn’t a bad person, did nothing more wrong than I did, he was just choosen by my broken chooser. There was nothing he could have done, been or said that would have made a difference. It wasn’t his fault. Reading this post and writing this with tears…..
Hi there!
My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me in the end of july. So it has been nearly 2 months now and I’m not getting any better.
We lived together for one year, in “his” flat, so I had to move out. I now live at my parents in my old room, my furniture and things stored in the garage.
I had to quit my job because of the distance and the fact that I can’t stand being in “his” town.
Our relationship was very difficult from the beginning. We had really great moments, but it was sort of complicated all the time. I know, that I wasn’t really happy but i tried and tried and tried to work on all that stuff, because I love him like crazy.
He told me that I’m a wonderfull an great person and that I’m so important to him, but that he simply doesn’t love me anymore. Two weeks after I moved out he started dating someone new. I just can’t believe and understand, that he is able to do whatever with a new girl in “our” place, with so many of my things and “spirits” around.
Long before the breakup I started planning a 3 week holiday, a journey along the eastcost of the USA on my own, and though I was very scared and feeling alone, I made that trip and hat an interesting time. I often felt devasted, but I tried to make the best of it an I’m proud somehow, that I made it.
Two days ago I returned. While I was away, I got two texts from him, how I am and blabla. I didn’t answer and really thougt I moved on, even a little bit.
Today I was crying all the time. I have to reorganize my life. I have to move into my new place, get a job, and so on.
But all I can do is thinking about him and his new love, even if I really don’t know whats going on there. I’ve read the book, in KNOW what I have to do, I just can’t do it.
I don’t even know how to get up in the morning.
Maybe I thought that my journey would somehow impress him, and that he will regret everything, when I success in no contact. He has to miss me…or not? I’ve done so much for him/us, he will never find anyone else like me, why doesn’t he realize that?
I’m stuck in thougts about him and what he’s doing an so on. I don’t know how I can stand it an I just don’t see the sense in trying to build my new life without him. There is nothing that makes me feel better, neither friends nor family.
Can someone please help me?
I can sympathise with how you feel, since I’ve had something very similar happen to me. When the person I thought I knew for 7 years walked out on me to be with a married man, I lost pretty much everything. I was in the same position as yourself. I had to rebuild my life.
I won’t lie and say that I am over this, or have any magic formula for dealing with it, but time has helped take the edge of it.
I so hope you don’t mind if I quote part of your posts and apply my own experience to them.
“He told me that I’m a wonderfull an great person and that I’m so important to him, but that he simply doesn’t love me anymore. Two weeks after I moved out he started dating someone new.”
Love is an action. My ex said many such words to me during our slow breakup, and I hung onto those words for many months after we had parted, but at the end of the day they are just words. I waited for the actions that gave meaning to those words, and signs that those words meant something, to appear, but that never happened.
” Two weeks after I moved out he started dating someone new. I just can’t believe and understand, that he is able to do whatever with a new girl in “our” place, with so many of my things and “spirits” around.”
For the longest time, I thought I still meant something to my ex, even when she was seeing someone else. The day I accepted that I didn’t, was pretty hard. I suspect though, that she had moved on way before she told me the news of our demise. She had months to plan, and plenty of time to come to terms with the emotional fallout. I had no such luxury, and no time to prepare. I cherished the memories of her and I, while she was so easily writing new ones with someone else.
I know this may be hard to hear, but that he his with someone else, may help you to move on. If he ever comes back into your life, it is probably not because he realises how special you are, but because he discovered the grass is not greener on the other side. Sorry for those words, but do you want to be that fallback person?
“I’m stuck in thougts about him and what he’s doing an so on. I don’t know how I can stand it an I just don’t see the sense in trying to build my new life without him. There is nothing that makes me feel better, neither friends nor family.”
I have been, and to a certain extent am still, in this position myself. I realised though, that whilst I think about her and become paralysed, she is moving on with her life. Imagine this, if a year down the line, he sends you an email out of the blue asking what you have been up to, and how you are, what would you like to put in that email? Would you like to tell him about all the fantastic things you’ve done, new friends you’ve made, your great new job and place, or would you like to tell him that you have sat around thinking of him, progressed no further and have achieved nothing. See this as an opportunity, rather than a setback (yes, I know, easy for me to say)
“Long before the breakup I started planning a 3 week holiday, a journey along the eastcost of the USA on my own, and though I was very scared and feeling alone, I made that trip and hat an interesting time. I often felt devasted, but I tried to make the best of it an I’m proud somehow, that I made it.”
Well done you, that is a great start, and I’m sure you will build on this. You have every right to be proud of yourself.
I hope my words have helped a little, and I hope you heal soon without too many scars. I will leave you with a quote that helped me make some sense of the situation
“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
Thanks a lot for your comment! It is somehow calming that others know how I feel, but I’m also very sorry for your loss.
I get so many advices and comforting hugs and sometimes just an ear from my friends and family. I really wish I could appreciate them properly or use them for me, but it seems that there really is no light in the end.
I do know how you feel, and you may feel the way you do for sometime, but you will get there, things will get better. I promise.
After 4 weeks I just broke NC and called him. Today would have been our 2nd anniversary and I just could not stand not to call.
I cried, he cried, I miss him, he misses me, but he says his decision is still right.
He is feeling bad for hurting me, and ending our relationship, because it felt good for the first two weeks but then he started feeling bad, too.
bla bla bla
I hate me for calling him. I don’t want any hope to rise and I’m afraid of contacting him more often, now that I’ve done it once.
So stupid….
Does it hurt when you do that? Don’t do that.
But maybe there is a chance to get back together. I don’t want to miss that chance. Maybe now that he realizes who I am …
I don’t know.
I am so glad I found this site. I have been trying to convince myself for two years that if he cannot see my value than he is a waste of time. I hope that reading this will make me believe it. I also read the blog about not being friends, because I have also been trying to do that with him. I have never loved anyone this way and it is so hard to let go, especially when I see him almost daily. I do have the fear that I will never be treated like he treated me in the beginning. No one ever did before. Thank you for the words of encouragement.
[...] this blog? This woman is amazing. Look at this blog, WHEN THE PERSON YOU LOVE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. 12/29 TFTD ~ When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You Getting Past Your Past I think part of the problem that keeps me stuck in my own self destructive habits is feeling [...]
So, I was here a few years ago after a bad breakup. Learnt a lot from here and did the necessary work. For the most part, I am well adjusted, drama free and successful.
Recently I have been seeing a lady for 3 months. About two weeks ago, she says to me she is happy with our relationship. This week she says she is not sure and decides to breakup. Granted it’s only a very short romance, it was certainly a wonderful relationship. She started dating me, about 3 monthss after a bad breakup. Not too sure if that contributed to this sad time. She has mainainted it’s not me, but her which to me is the usual, I am not that into you anymore. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe, as she said, she needed time to be sure that I am the “one”. On my part, I might have been just a little too affectionate. That may have overwhelmed her since she is not used to having guys treat her like a princess. Maybe you ladies can share some thoughts. Here are some of the questions I would like answered, if you would so kindly -
1. How much time does one give an ex to think about things ?
2. What am I suppose to do in the meanwhile ?
3. Do you think there’s such a thing as being too affectionate ? e.g cooking her dinner and giving her massages ?
4. Should I stop fooling myself and call it quits ?
Thanks for any response
Dear hantu!
I just can have a try…but first I need to tell you, that I had a really bad breakup in july, and was not able to keep NC like I told above. My ex told me last week he wasn’t sure about the breakup either, although he was already seeing someone new. That he misses me and can’t really move on with that girl. Desperate for a little hope I went to his house and had the worst and most humiliating time in my life…He moved on with that girl, and while he moved back with me in his bed, I saw their traces everywhere. After all he kicked me out and got really angry because I was sad – no, I was a mess – and I’m still….and still love him…
1. Your Ex will always have a reason that made her/him leave you. But your Ex will still have some feelings. Maybe they try to breakup without doing any harm, which is not possible. Or they just want to keep you in the game, or are to weak to be consequent.
Is she really giving you reasons to hope because of her behaviour?
2. Do nothing, don’t do anything. She broke up. She has to fix things, if she wants you to come back. I’m sure she knows that you are interested in a reconcilation.
3. Maybe she did not really move on after her breakup before. Or she never was that into you to enjoy all this things. Or she did not see a chance, to do the same for you?
4. I don’t know. To give others advices is easy, so take your time and make your own decission, if you really want someone back, who doesn’t appreciate you and what you were doing for her.
I hope I could help just a little,
Yours most stupid girl in the world…
Hello Readers; May I explain the other side of the break up, but of course I wasn’t involved when that happen seventeen years ago between my significant and his former wife of less then five years. Here is the story we are living.
Before I go on let me give you a briefing; they separated and divorced 17 years, she left him while having an open affair at the end of their short lived marriage of less then five years. The affair was with her former boyfriend whom she’d been seeing all along during the marriage. Then my significant thought he was divorced to find out years later she never filed the final decree. My sig. and she had known of one another since children but never dated until around twenty. He never had a romantic interest in her of any kind until then nor she him, never dated until then went to separate school for most part. When she divorced him he went into shock as he learn she’d been seeing her former all along. She filed but never got the final decree unknown to my significant until years later. She moved right next door to her former boyfriend and his wife of all things. He finally went on to meet somone new by then her relationship with her end. My significant’s former began her pursuit of him it has last now for at least sixteen years. (How long have we been together 10.2 years.) She destroyed his previoius relationship and knowing her as I do place so much pressure on it there was no chance.
Everything written regarding a break up is true about her but it’s taken all this time to seemingly express herself. What I mean she has continued stuck there for sixteen years acting upon everything over and over again. She sent hundreds of letters discussing her feelings, played hundreds of games upon me and my significant. The main reason why I’ve never married is her.
Here is a bit of what I mean; One day while running our blower out in front of the home clearing leaves I felt a presence behind me she was feet away driving a truck right up to my back there she was driving her mother’s truck. Another time I left the home to run errrands at my usual day and time. I felt her presence which I often do, I looked back from another street at my home and noted a car parked at my neighbors home. I turn back to find her on my porch knocking, and ringing the bell. She refuse to leave demand entry said she had a legal right to be there. She had stacks of love letters for him. I could not get into my home as I forgot the garage door opener. My neighbors were not at home. She threaten me and more I end up in the emergency room. My sig. told her to leave while she tried to whisper in his ear over and over again. She was obviously under the influence of something other then alcohol.
For years she has left gifts galore on our porch into the thousands of dollars. She has stalk us, our home, got to know my patterns come onto the property, egged the home, trashed my car, nailed my tires sixteen nails in all. She has thrown blood all over my home, vehicles several times, involved herself relentlessly in his family affairs. At first she made over a hundred calls a month on my phone that was after he moved in with me. Calls that came into the wee hours of the night, I change my number countless times she’d always get it. Of course she was drunk for most part late at night.
Let’s move onward; The woman built a studio onto her home for him to live in so she could take care of my significant just two years ago telling him she wanted to feed him proper foods just like Kathy Bates in Misery, she had a plan for him how she would keep him there and control every aspect of his life, see that he received herbal remedies, fish, sleep, lay in a hammock while they would take walks together. She stated that he would have everything she’d provide him clothing, money to gamble and go places. There she could run his business (the one I started with him together.) he could help her with ebay. Although she wrote that this might upset “me” he could come and go as he please but she’d take care of him without judgment. He would not have to work until he felt like it. He could go on trips with her to the ocean, and mountains, etc. The woman planned out every moment of his life in that letter thinking he’d surely want that. She has absolutely no boundary limits. She has brought over endless romantic letters to him, or mailed them to him. In her mind they are still married in God’s eyes re; her writings. Several times we/I tried to be a friend to her she nearly destroyed our relationship playing games all the time. One has no idea how much this person has done to our personal life together. She OD twice so he would find her like that setting him up to work on the home her mother bought for her. She broke her wrist, hit her head on the walls in her home in hopes we guess that would some how bring him back. She has torn her home apart one time we found her painting her sofa with latex paint.. that is the fabric on it. Her mother would have us check on her in the past from time to time as she could not reach her. We would find her out of it naturally we couldn’t leave her like that. She would also try to destroy every vacation we had by starting up stuff the month previously writing lies about me, telling him how he is so important to her, how he is her best friend and will never stop loving him that in fact there past relationship is more important then ours. If she found out I was giving him a surprise party she would inform him of it. There is nothing she hasn’t done to me. We have no contact with her but she tells his family he does. One time she wrote a friend of ours telling her he was seeing another woman some hundred miles away from us that she was a model and a therapist. She describe how they were doing it behind my back with his families approval as they share pictures of the woman with her on to say this woman could give him children and how desperately the family wanted grand children. Let’s see her favorite subject is my age I’m older. Then she mention he was missing all the markers in his life because of me. Of course there was no such woman and when we gave a copy to his family they about died.
This is how bad it can get but I am leaving out how bad it got. A total nightmare! People like this will go to any extent if they believe it will bring back the object of their obsession. There is nothing they won’t do I lived it.
I am going to write a book about our experiences as I’m hoping to help others by what has happen to us.
Get a lawyer and call the police.
Two words: restraining order.
No healthy person would continue in this triad unless you have some investment in it.
If would be hard-pressed to figure out who the sickest person in this scenario. My guess is your boyfriend.
This is not a healthy situation, for you, your partner, or his ex and it has been going on way too long. There is something wrong with her if her denial lasts that long. There is something wrong with him if he pays any attention to her, takes her calls, reads her texts, letters, etc. He may care about her or feel sorry for her, but she is responsible for her own life.
Hi.. Sorry I made numerous mistakes above I’m running in and out of here today. I just had to toss it on as was I had a client walk in.
You’d laugh if you knew what I did for work. I put together a two inch brief already on her. I asked that my private information be kept from her the Judge refuse to allow it. I asked that she be kept a thousand yards away instead of the five hundred as she can go across from us on that road viewing our life. They wouldn’t agree to it. Because this is stalking I asked the courts to waive the fee’s, guess what they refused. Her parents have both enabled her to do this, her Dad really did her beckoning really serious beckoning. This woman is 41 years old no kid but she is on SSI, I’m sure one can guess why. There is a paragraph on the TRO Response forms it states; is there a reason why you’d be acting this way? Are you suffering from some form of mental illness at the time? Out it goes. We’ve made a dozen police reports. I have a paper trail on her. Declarations and tons of documents, and pictures. They never catch her here. This year she has only come by twice to drop something off. That’s a new one she comes in at dark walks from around the corner. No homes are in front of us makes it hard to catch her.
two more words: not. believable.
Susan,
I read your post and I cried most of my way through. But when the phone started ringing (he has uncanny timing), I kept rereading some of the phrases and it kept me from picking up.
Thank you
I have been sitting here staring at my screen for ages having just read this post.
…”You loved someone deeply who loved you deeply and then this person just switched off and hurt you in ways that were unimaginable….”
This has been my life practically word for word for the past year.
He never actually verbalised to me that we were through – he just stopped communicating with me. I then did the predictable – went ballistic – which provided justifying grist for his mill. That of course just launched me over the edge into that abyss of denial!
I cringe at all the “deals” I’ve made with myself and the Universe to get him to “see the light”;to answer my questions, to tell me why.
Instead of just doing nothing.
Instead of rejecting the rejector.
Instead of being kind to myself
Thank you Susan.
Hello Everyone (sorry for the long post),
5 days ago my girlfriend of 3 years and I ended things. We had been living together the last 2 years. This past July she sat me down and expressed some doubts she had been having the last few months. She said my problems with anger and anxiety had pushed her away and something was now missing between us. I am not a violent guy and rarely have I had any serious outbursts. I’ve always shoved my anger deep down inside of me. This in turn had made me irritable and anxious. I’ve know this for a long time and thought I could work on it on my own. Never did I suspect that my girlfriend had a serious problem with it. But now that I knew it was affecting her/us deeply I offered to go get professional help. She was receptive to this idea and it seemed like we might have been able to make things work.
But it wasn’t just me who needed to work. My girlfriend admitted to me shortly before we moved in together (2 years ago) that she has an eating disorder. At the time this threw a HUGE monkey wrench into my plans with her. I struggled with this revelation for a couple weeks. I almost broke up with her. How could someone who doesn’t love themselves truly love someone else? And boy, does she hate herself. At the time, I agreed to stay with her only if she sought help. She did get help but didn’t connect with her therapist. It lasted only a few months and then she quit. So when my girlfriend brought up her doubts last July she admitted her eating disorder had gotten out of control again and that she was going back to therapy too.
I found a therapist about a week after our talk and I’ve been going to the same therapist since (4 months now). In short, it’s been amazing. I look forward to going every week and feel amazing leaving each time. Everyone says they’ve seen a huge difference in me. Yet, I know I still have a lot of work to do and will want to maintain my therapy for years to come. My girlfriend on the other hand has struggled with her therapy. She cannot open up in therapy (like before). She sits in SILENCE during her sessions. She has admitted that she has a major problem communicating to ANYONE (even me). That is why it took her so long to even raise her concerns about the relationship.
So while I was going to therapy and getting better, things weren’t really improving in our relationship. Sure, my girlfriend and I were getting along a lot better but the “spark” had clearly gone out. There were glimpses of attraction or sparks but they were always fleeting. After 3 months of trying to work things out living together, we decided it might be best to try living separately. During this time we would remain together and date exclusively. My girlfriend often stated that she saw/felt a real good possibility of things returning to normal and foresaw us probably living together again in 6-12 months. Needless to say, when she did finally move out (1 month ago) it was heart-wrenching. It felt like someone had died. In spite of that I gave her a ton of space, never even really contacting her unless she contacted me.
The first week of separation we spoke only a couple times by email and saw each other once. The one time we did see each other was pretty awkward and not what you would call a typical date. Again, the next week we hardly contacted each other but this time we went on a true date. And it went great (or so I thought). It really felt like the attraction was coming back again. The next week saw the same amount of communication (little). We set up plans for the weekend but she broke them off due to sickness. The last week of our relationship the communication finally started to pick up. We had a date set for the end of the week. But things seemed off from the outset of our date.
For our date we went to a comedy club (which was good) and hopped around a couple bars before settling in on one we liked. At this bar, over drinks, the conversation somehow came up as to how we saw things going. It was then that my girlfriend admitted that the feelings were not coming back like she hoped. Furthermore she did not see any possibility of them coming back in the current climate. She said that she had been putting immense amounts of pressure on herself to make things work and that I had not contributed to the pressure at all (and in fact had been “amazing” throughout the ordeal). And when my girlfriend still wasn’t feeling anything she started to feel guilty which put EVEN MORE pressure on herself. And thus a vicious cycle had started.
I probably could have pushed her to keep trying but I saw how much of a toll it was taking on her. And it killed me to see her in such agony. Plus, I knew I deserved to be with someone who KNEW they wanted me. Therefore, I told her I didn’t want her to suffer anymore. I told her she’s a beautiful person, we’ll both be ok, and NOT to feel guilty about things. But above all, I wished her peace and happiness. After much crying, hugging, and kissing we parted ways. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. And I’d be lying if I said that there isn’t a part of me that hopes we might cross paths WAY down the line (after we’ve both worked on our issues). Then again, I know that’s just the feelings left in me speaking. I know I’ll feel differently once I’ve fully healed and moved on from this relationship.
And if it hadn’t been for a TORTUROUS breakup I experienced 4 years ago this might have been harder for me to deal with. But because of that first breakup I learned that I CAN persevere. I learned as much pain as I can be in that one day things do get better. The pain goes away and you DO forget about your ex. In time I know I will forget about this one. And I don’t regret ANY of it. This whole experience has been a huge stepping stone in my life. For that, I’m glad to have shared that with my ex. It’s only been 5 days for me. The pain can be excrutiating but I know it will get better. Know you will get better too.
:)
OMG God sent me to this site!!! A little bit about my story, met my ex b/f 10 months ago knowing he wasn’t divorced yet. We met as friends which turned into more a few months down the road. Found out he had to wait to get divorced until their bankruptcy went through, is losing his house, no steady income. Still, I stayed by his side, we enjoyed eachothers company, our children got along, etc. His best friend died, OD’d, we had been through so much in 7 months but I thought, wow, this is the one, we’ve managed to make it through all of this! He decided one day he needed time b/c of losing his house, winter is coming and he needs to find a job, etc. Unfortunately we did take time but I continued to contact him as he did me, calling and visiting my son and me. Fast foward 2 months, he calls to tell me that he’s going out to where I’m going and his friends are bringing someone for him to meet!!!! I was devastated!!! The entire time we were ’separated’ I asked him if he still loved me, he never once told me no. Long story short, I stuck by him through so much and never, ever thought he would get ‘over’ me and move on so quickly. There’s way too much to type but he is a good man and I do love him and I know he didn’t mean to hurt me BUT I’ve learned from this site that I want to be his friend so that he would eventually miss what we had and come back to me. It kills me that he’s doing things with this new girl that we did together but if he can get over me so quickly, what will make her so different???
I quess i’m posting because my wounds are so fresh and he poured more salt into them by telling me about this girl. After I emailed him yesterday (before I found this site) he called me and apologized profusely for hurting me the way he did so I know he cares but can he love me again the way we use to??? HE use to talk about our future together, moving in once the divorce was final etc. He told ME he loved me 1st . . . I am soooooooooooo hurt and confused and just want to talk to him!!!
This article is “excellent” and I am toiling it around, trying to make sense, now of my inadequet feeling self!
I’ve been married for 2 yrs w/ 2 beautiful, college attending daughters, divorced for 20 yrs. Lost my job, lost my home last spring.
Thought I knew better than to let my wall down and let somebody “finally”" come into my heart, I did and it has been shattered… I wonder what is so wrong with wanting to share your life w/ somebody, you thought you had future plans with and shared all your feelings with, in this mean nasty society we now live in, (which I believe, we are in the sign of the end times. ) Out of no-where, as you said, “they need to be alone” Gone… It is very hard to “not” want to keep it going, and ask yourself, “what happened here?”
I am too old and think that real love can”t exist. Everyone at this stage has a history and have already been in “real” love. Where was I? To be “the one.”
I don’t trust my judgement in men anymore. I use to think I had a good judgement of character, but , guess not.
No choice, but to keep trudging on. Everything seems so negative right now…. I’m usually a fun person to be around, but don’t feel like socializing “at all” w/ friends or family
Well, after months of reading this, going back for more, reading this, going back for more…I am sad to say that I still go back for more. I truly believe I have some sort of mental problem. I am so in love with a person who has point blank said that this is not the right time for a relationship. The grief from a previous lost relationship prevents wanting commitment, but seems to welcome the distraction of me running around trying to please, to prove. I do it because I do love and I know the loss is great. I do it because I am reassured over and over that time is just required. I do it because I have never in my life felt so ready to be committed to a person, so lucky to have a found person who is on the same wavelength (but for the effects of the loss). But time keeps going and the daily, weekly, monthly result is always the same – no satisfaction of MY needs (basics like affection and emotional intimacy), complete focus on the partner’s with generally minimal recognition and appreciation (though I would guess I am likely more meeting assumed or practical needs, then emotional and physical). Surely, I am ill. I am not codependent – I have my own life, can express my feelings well, feel little pressure to fix my partner’s problems. I am not depressed – in fact, I feel fortunate many more days then not. It is just this element that is so out of whack. I am confused and feel like I have lost myself by fighting for someone who doesn’t seem to even know it. Just lost. When around my significant other, I am the most loving, engaged person – in an effort to make their day and life better. When alone, I cry a lot. I ask what is wrong with me any why their love can’t be stronger then their grief. I know I deserve better; I know I deserve commitment and returned love. What gives folks. I am too old, too wise, and too good to feel so lost and so hurt. I don’t like it.
[...] on her blog, Getting Past your Past. Some helpful ones are: The Emotions of Grief During A Breakup; 12/29 TFTD ~ When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You; Getting Past Your Breakup; and Time Does Not Heal All Wounds. She’s written an excellent book, [...]
To hell with him is so right.
I thought if I could just convince my ex to come back and chose me over her then we would be perfect again.
But if he doesn’t want me to hell with him.
And I agree with the fact that someone better will come along who will love you with all their heart.
All I wonder is after loving someone as strong as right now can I love this Mr. Right as much as he deserves when he comes along?
Oh how I can relate to this blog. It has been one month yesterday since my loving, wonderful relationship of just over 2 years ended. It hurts everyday. I don’t know what happened. He said, in his words “Our relationship which started as 2 lovers indeed, has transformed into a friendship, I must concede”. What I don’t understand is that is what I thought a mature relationship was suppose to be like, we still love each other so much, but we became best friends doing everything together and sharing everything with each other. Communication was great, but somewhere he took a different turn. We were about to move in together this month and he, 4 years younger than I still in his late 20’s I thought he was just scared and nervous.
When he told me, I just said OK and wanted to accept it because I wanted the pain to stop. I respect him enough to not discredit his feelings. I said my feelings have changed too, we can’t be in the honeymoon stage forever this is how a relationship grows but he said no its different and he now only sees me as a friend and once you turn that corner you can never go back. Which I can’t understand because so many people start out as friends and it blosoms into a relationship, so how can we not get back to where we were. I just thought well, he just doesn’t want to and that is why.
I have been strong and have not called him once, and he has not tried to contact me, not even once. I do think all the things above, oh he will get back on the dating scene and realize that I’m the one, I just have to wait. I am trying to move on an concentrate on becoming the person I want to be, but my heart hasn’t really excepted it yet. I just don’t understand how someone can just realize one day that they don’t feel the same way anymore. I love him so much, and respect him so much I don’t want to be angry because he decided not to love me anymore but I don’t know how to deal with it. We both talked about our future all the time, and where we would be and what we would be doing. I think that is one thing that I focused to much on the future and not enough on the present. I do feel betrayed, that he broke his promises to me. It is crazy to read how many people go through the exact same scenario. I just don’t understand how that happens, when a relationship is so great how do you just fall out of love?