12/29 TFTD ~ When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You
December 29, 2007 by susangpyp
Note: I hate to put this here but since this is the most popular post on GPYP and has been lifted on several websites. I pour my heart and soul into this blog and I have to post this.
This is an original GPYP posting authored and copyrighted by Susan J. Elliott, Esq. The expression “Reject the rejector” is an original GPYP quote and the trademark application is pending. If you use this expression without crediting, it is a trademark violation.
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It’s hard but it happens.
And it hurts.
You love someone who may have loved you once upon a time.
Or
You love someone who acted like there was a possibility of love in return, but now there’s not.
Or
You love someone who simply doesn’t feel the same way and isn’t going to feel the same way.
Ever.
Or
You loved someone deeply who loved you deeply and then this person just switched off and hurt you in ways that were unimaginable at the height of your mutual love.
Or
This person loved you and you loved them and then someone new came along and they left. Friends tell you that you are better than this new person in every way. But your ex is still with Mr. or Ms. New Thing.
Whatever the situation, you’re left with a big pile of hurt. And it really hurts.
You go over your exchanges over and over in your mind. Where did it go wrong or fail to go right? What should you have done that you didn’t? What did you do that you shouldn’t have?
You feel rejected and less than. You feel as if there is something really wrong with you. You wonder what you could do to MAKE this person want you.
It’s frustrating if they are with a new person who doesn’t come close to being what you are. You seethe because this new person is a snake in the grass and your ex doesn’t see it. This new person is immature or unavailable or spoiled or just plain stupid. And your ex is enthralled none the less. What?
Or there is no one else and nothing else. This person just fell out of love one day. Or failed to fall in love on the day you did. That’s even more baffling. Wait. You’re choosing NOTHING over me? What?
Or your ex has spiraled into some other mindset. They’re depressed or upset or self-absorbed in some way. Wouldn’t you want someone to help carry the burden, you ask.
The answer is please leave me alone.
You’re freaking out. How is it that they want you to help by going away? WHAT?
The first emotion is disbelief. How can this be? How did I get here? How am I hurting over this person? Maybe your personality is draining away…you used to be fun and helpful and have a great sense of humor. Now you’re plain and dull and you’re boring all your friends with your sad refrain of unrequited love.
Part of you refuses to believe it. It CAN’T be so. Something will change. This is a phase. This is temporary. I’ll just sit here and wait for my love to smarten up and see the light. That is what I will do.
Better yet, I will change things. I will call him or her or text him or her. We will get into a big emotional conversation and I will persuade them that this is all wrong.
In the beginning it’s hardest to NOT do anything. You’re having trouble absorbing the news and the reality and before you feel the feelings of that reality you’re going to do your damndest to make it different or refuse to believe it.
Take your time but believe it. Let it slowly sink in and try to do the hardest thing there is to do: Nothing. Doing nothing in a situation like this takes energy. It takes a lot of energy. You will think you spend all your time NOT doing something. And that’s because you are.
Next come the feelings. You feel hurt, anger, betrayal. You feel rejected and less than. Your self-esteem is taking a hit from the feeling of rejection.
You might feel like a loser and begin to wonder how you can turn yourself into the person that this person will love.
Your mind may race with ideas. I’ll be quieter, thinner, happier. I won’t complain so much. I won’t rock the boat. I’ll like the insufferable family and friends that I couldn’t stand. I’ll go back to school. I’ll stop going to school. I’ll wear different clothes. I’ll buy a new car. I’ll get those allergy shots so I can be around that cat. I’ll work in a different industry. I’ll muzzle my kids. I’ll clean more. I’ll clean less. I’ll cook gourmet meals. I’ll listen when spoken to. I’ll go to bed earlier. I’ll go to bed later. I’ll go to church. I’ll stop going to church. I’ll pray. I’ll bargain with God. I’ll help the poor. I’ll devote myself to the eradication of world hunger. I’ll give my next paycheck to the church. I’ll join the Peace Corps. I’ll do anything, ANYTHING, if only You make this person come back. I’ll be everything You want me to be or everything this person wants me to be. I’ll do it all. I’ll do nothing. I’ll be more. I’ll be less. I’ll be everything and anything other than what I’m being right now. I’ll turn myself inside out to be the person he or she will love. I can do it. I will do it.
STOP.
Stop right there. Forget about changing for someone else. Forget about bargaining for what you should have without bribing whatever deity you believe in. Forget about changing your whole life just so this narrow-minded little bonehead will love you. FORGET IT.
Every relationship is a learning experience. We learn what parts of us could use improvement. But not because this person found them unattractive or irritating but because YOU found them unattractive or irritating.
What did you do in this relationship or around this person (if you weren’t in a relationship) that could improve? Think about it. Journal about it. Think about ways to change it. But DON’T change things in yourself just because this person didn’t like it. Maybe this person has no taste or doesn’t know a thing. Don’t think of changing for another person. Only change for you. It’s OKAY to accept someone’s constructive criticism if it’s spot on and will help you in the end, but if not, just REJECT IT.
When you are leaving a relationship where someone doesn’t love you anymore or failing to move further in a relationship because someone won’t or can’t love you or not getting into a relationship because someone isn’t attracted to you, there is a HIT to the self-esteem. It’s a rejection no matter how you slice it. And it’s a rejection that stings.
The first thing you need to do is to take it in stride. Easier said that done? Yes. Everything is easier said than done so that phrase is meaningless.
Taking it in stride means telling yourself that you are okay no matter what. Yes, there might be things that need improvement but it is a lovable, worthwhile person who is willing to look at those things and change them. And if this person does not value all that you are and all that you can be there is only one sentiment to go in that direction: THE HELL WITH THEM.
Seriously.
It is time to REJECT THE REJECTER. And his or her ridiculous standards of measurement. Perhaps this person doesn’t know what he or she is losing. Perhaps this person has NO IDEA how worthwhile you are and what value you can add to their life.
That is their problem, not yours. You don’t want anyone who doesn’t think you are the end-all, be-all of lovers. You just don’t want them. They are stuck in some goopy substance that does not allow them to move off their position and see how great you are. That is their problem and their loss.
You have to see that the rejecter should be rejected. Do you want someone without vision? Without appreciation of all that you are and all that you can be? No, you do not. You want someone who loves you and thinks you are the best thing that ever happened to them. If this person doesn’t get that, then the hell with this person.
Stop talking to him or her. Stop trying to convince them otherwise. Stop waitng around for him or her to “get it.” The hell with anyone who doesn’t get it.
Or another possibility is that this person does recognize your value and how great you are but they are not in a place where they can be in a relationship. Maybe they’re not over their previous relationship. Maybe their life choices (home, job, school) are up in the air. Maybe it’s not about you in any way. It still hurts but this is something you can’t change. Even if you think that if the shoe was on the other foot YOU wouldn’t let such a catch get away, it doesn’t work that way for everyone. Some people simply can’t get there from here. Let them be. It’s not the right time and there is nothing you can do about it. Gently let it go. It’s hard and it hurts but gently let it go.
The bottom line is that you do not want someone who does not want you. That hurts and that stings. And that is not what love is all about. Don’t sit around waiting for this person to want you. Reject anyone who doesn’t want you. They are not worth it. The first prerequisite for love is to be mutual. Otherwise it’s not okay. Reject the rejecter.
Stephen Levine once said, “The road is hard. Love softens it.”
Requited love, mutual love, real love softens it.
And until that love comes from a romantic partner who values you and sees how wonderful you are, get that love from family, friends and YOURSELF. You MUST be good to yourself as you move on from someone who does not value you enough to want an exclusive, romantic relationship with you.
Because who knows what (or who) you are missing as you roll around in the mud with this numbskull. Get on with your life and become the person you always wanted to be.
GET READY for true love, real love, lasting love. Get ready for a relationship with yourself and THEN a relationship with a loving and appreciative person who WILL come into your life once you learn to value YOU. And you start valuing you by rejecting the rejection and the rejecter. The hell with it.
Be good to yourself. Today and always. In a relationship or out of a relationship. Be good to you.
Do your affirmations.
Tell yourself that mr. or ms. right is OUT THERE and he or she will value you for the person you are. In the meantime work on whatever needs working on. Have your feelings…let them out…write about them, talk about them but allow yourself the feelings. Don’t contact this person who does not value you. Be grateful it did not go any further. Be glad you are letting go of someone who doesn’t value you. Their presence will not soften the hard road. Their presence will just make things harder and THAT IS NOT WHAT WE WANT IN A PARTNER.
In a partner we want someone to share life’s sorrows and joys. We want someone who is there day in and day out. If this person can’t handle us without a big problem in our lives, why would we think they could handle it? They can’t.
Let them go and hold on and hold out for someone who loves you for you. There IS that person out there. Mr. or Ms. Right will never question your value. Will never not love you unconditionally. If this person has rejected you in some way, he or she is NOT the one for you.
You might think this person is perfect in every way. No this person is not. Because this person doesn’t WANT you and the person who is perfect will want you. Not wanting you and not appreciating you and the value you bring to someone’s life is NOT a little thing. It’s a big thing. And if this person doesn’t love you and doesn’t want you and doesn’t appreciate you, then they are not perfect and their flaw is a fatal flaw and you need to reject the rejecter. You must.
If you’re trying to “win” in some way, ask yourself why? Does this go back to childhood? Are you trying to win over a cold and rejecting parent or caretaker? Are you trying to prove your self-worth by showing the world that someone else wants you?
Don’t.
Journal about the things you are trying to “win” over. Journal about how locked into this struggle you are. Is it really about this person and this period in time or does it go way way way back? Stop re-injuring yourself. Reject this rejecter and every rejecter that came before. Do your affirmations. Know that you are worth it. The hell with all the rejecters.
Even if you love this person, this person does not love you….and the person for you will love you. Deeply and Completely.
It exists.
It happens.
It is possible.
In the meantime you MUST MUST MUST be good to you and know your value and understand your value and get your value from inside you and not outside.
Be good to you.
Move on from rejection. Feel your feelings. Reject the rejecter.
Celebrate the you that is you.
And know that the right person for you is out there.
Peace,
Susan
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Some days I read this site and I think Susan, you are spying on me because you always seem to write something that descibes me perfectly. Almost everything you said at the start of this post is what I have been going through these past few days, including this fantasy I have that I will run into my ex and somehow manage to convince her to come back to me if I could just talk to her and about my constant whining to my friends about my still burning heart for my ex who has already moved on to someone else..
I know I need to move on and I will eventually get there. Thanks Susan for another great post. You will never know how much this website has helped me since I broke up.
Susan -
First of all - you are WONDERFUL. I have never posted a comment on your blog, but I have read all the articles you have posted here. I am very grateful that I found your website and know that I have grown a LOT from your words of wisdom.
This article was the extra push I needed to decide to move on. I’m glad I read it right before the end of the year because it will allow me to start the New Year in a very positive note.
I have a few questions for you:
1. Can you really “forget” a romantic love? In other words, will I ever be able to look at my ex and feel completely indifferent as if I were staring at a tree?
2. Is it possible to stop the “in love feelings” for the ex if you haven’t met someone new yet? Or do you REALLY get over a romantic love only after you have replaced it with another romantic love?
3. I have been seeing a therapist for the past year and have been doing all the right things to move on (work on myself, read, talk to friends and relatives, embrace the pain, etc). However, I still think of my ex and miss him. What can I do to stop thinking about him or let it not affect me?
Thank you so much for your time and for being here for us.
LFG
I love this post, Susan. I used to think I was stubborn when I let go of relationships that weren’t working, with people who did not value me enough or at all. A few times I held on too long, trying to figure out what I could do differently to make things work. Other times, I walked away pretty early, at the early signs that the person did not appreciate me for me. But in every case, I did leave and I did go NC and stay NC. Only once did I leave the door ajar for friendship, but not for several months and only because it was a RARE case where we loved each other more as platonic friends from the beginning and were both mature enough to have a light friendship after a period of NC. Because I believed I was “stubborn” (I grew up being told that by my caretakers and it was never with a positive connotation), I believed every firm boundary I ever had was about me being inflexible and stubborn for the wrong reasons or in a selfish, unhealthy way. Not true. This year I’ve been able to look back on many choices I’ve made in my adult life (and even as a child) and credit myself for those times when I knew to protect myself (eventually, if not right away) and say “no” or “no more.” I loved myself enough to not let unworthy people in or back in. This post in particular validates my healthy boundaries as just that, and not some stubborn inflexibility that cuts people off for selfish, childish reasons. Those boundaries were not some childish reaction to the world, they were the wise adult inside trying to parent the child within. I’m grateful for them now. Without them, I would not have experienced the unconditional love that I have in my life today. If I had kept trying to “win” with any one of those people who were wrong for me, Stephen Levine’s quote, “The road is hard. Love softens it.”, would not speak to me. But it does. The love I knew before made my road bumpier, more anxious, more stressful. My road has been pretty hard this year with divorce and serious illness in my extended family, but love–unconditional, supportive, mature love–has softened it. The love came (and continues to come) first from me. With that I’ve found that my chooser (as you say) functions properly, my relationships/friendships are defined by unconditional love and support, and in all of the difficulties and challenges and responsibilities of life, there is incredible peace. I am happy. And I’ve CHOSEN this. I could have chosen something else this year. I could choose something else at anytime, but now that I know another way, I can’t imagine living as I did before. Each day I find courage to be real with myself and proactive about issues I’ve carried with me for too long or, some days, to simply relax, reflect, and let my old nemesis anxiety drift away. This change in life direction for me was prompted by a terrible breakup and began the minute I believed, really believed down in my bones with the help of a fantastic therapist and YOU, that I must let go of someone (and by extension, ALL of the someones) who rejected all or important parts of me. It happened when I really understood deep down that all change–theirs and mine–comes from within, and real love is about loving and accepting ourselves and others as we are right now, unconditionally. Unconditional love is amazing and I’m glad to finally know it.
Kathy
Susan,
My ex girfriend ended our relationship 6 months ago. It was a shock to me. I loved her deeply and was very attached to her. We were together for 6 years. I went through all the usual things. I was in denial, I begged, pleaded and bargined. I tried being friends thinking that I would keep her in my life until she changes her mind. That hurt more. I went no contact but could not keep it up. Then one day a few weeks ago I asked her point blank “Do you even love me”? Without hesitation she said “No I don’t”. That was it for me. I was holding out in the hope that she would change her mind because I felt that she really did love me but was confused. I told her that was a deal breaker.
Whenever I start thinking of calling or seeing her my mind always comes back to her response to my question, “No I don’t”. Without mutual love there was really nowhere to go. I am still sad and still have down days, but I am looking forward to a life with someone that will love me as much as I will love them.
Your post really hit home……
Thank you
Jim
Hi Susan,
Please advise.
I have been with my boyfriend for 6+years and last year we purchased our first home. We got together in our early twenties so there was no rush to getting married but it was discussed extensively. He actually initiated the wedding plans after a couple of months of dating. I said no due to the fact that we were only 21. I didn’ t want him to get caught up in the moment of us being together ( backtrack: we have known one another since highschool. We were friends and I had a crush on him. I told him senior year and left for an out of state school - we reconnected after I graduated and headed back to my hometown and that’s when we started dating) and rush into things. So, we focused on school and our careers and then moved into an apartment together. He gave me a ring 18 mths later and started talking about marriage again. Since we were more mature and our careers we taking off, I thought it was a good time to get married. We communicated what we wanted out of our relationship and what we wanted in the future for our individual selves. Another year goes by due to work scheduling . Year 5 of the relationship comes around and we are thinking about moving out of our apt. He states let’s get a house. I mentioned that we should have a wedding date within a year after purchasing a home . He is fine with that. We begin to look for a home and purchase one in late 06. In early 07 he brings up that he wants to set a wedding date and let’’s pick the fall of 07. So I begin to start the wedding process ( buying the dress, looking at locations etc…) Summer 07 he wants to postpone the wedding. I got a new job in the summer of 07 which had me travel for a month in the fall. He still doesn’t explain why he is postponing the wedding for the whole summer- he only says ‘ I don’t know why I feel like this isnt right’. The Fall comes along and while I travel for work, he is talking to co-workers on why he is feeling this way. I come back from my travels and he has no explanation for me about whether he wants to still get married or not. We breakup since he cant explain why.I asked him to be honest from the beginning of the breakup since we have this house about when he starts dating because I don’t want people coming to the house and he agreed. While I was gone for that month, during his talks to coworkers he talks to a female coworker about our situation and now he has feelings for her (I find this out 3mths after the breakup). He continued to lie about why he broke up with me and whether he was seeing someone for 3 mths until I found evidence that he was dating someone and then he confessed about that he had feeling for someone during my travels while we were still together.He lies to me about his new feelings for a new female and how he is not ‘ in love with me’ ( because it would hurt me). So now 3 mths later I am confused because when I would come home, he would get emotional, tell me that he loves me, cry acting like his heart was breaking but, the night I would leave for work, he would take out his new girlfriend.
Now we have this house and for the past 3months he has been lying and now supposedly the whole truth has come out. With him dating someone and with him telling me that he has ‘feelings’ for her, ‘it feels right’ -He has clearly moved on. I get that. I know this is not a healthy situation since everytime I come home, I learn more and more about this break up and I return to all the stages of grief with the new info. I asked him not to talk about it anymore but I feel like he is just selfish and is purging what is heavy in his heart since he was found out.
How do one deal with the NC policy and their own moving on process when you are under the same roof with an ex who is clearly thinking of himself and moved on?
PS My new job has me traveling every 3 wks so I am not home all the time.
Kathy,
You sound like you are at a place I would like to get to. Other than a therapist, what other mechanisms have you used to get through your breakup?
Susan–another great post. My answer is this. I’m not sure how religious people on this board are, but this is what I do. While most of my rejections have been career-related and related to friends and family, what I often tell myself is this:
For whatever reason it’s God’s will. I may not today–I may not even know ten years from now–but this is God’s will. This is how things are today. While they may be different tomorrow or ten from now, this is how they are today. What I do is pray to God and ask Him for the strength to accept His will and for me to find what is appropriate for me at this given point in time–even if it is not what I want for myself.
I know what it is like to be rejected by an organization, employer, friend, or even would-be significant other. At least as far as I am concerned the real test is supporting that person. That is, if I truly love that other person, I’ll want them to be happy. And if being with that other person makes them happy, as hard as it is for me, then I will support them. For love is more than sex or being with someone. It’s about wanting the best for the other person. So, while if you can’t be with that person, you should wish the best for them.
But those are my thoughts.
James, thank you so much for your comment. I’m glad this was helpful to you! Trust the process…you WILL get there. Keep sharing and be good to James!
LFG: Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing this website with others. I’m glad you found help here.
I don’t know if you EVER look at an ex like he or she was a tree but it is possible to look at an ex and go, “What was I thinking???” Seriously. I look at some of my exes and while I understand why I was there in the first place, other times I’m thinking I was completely mental.
It not only is POSSIBLE to get over the “in love” feelings before you meet someone new but that is the HEALTHIEST state. Being out of love completely and into your own life and your own interests when someone new comes along gives you the BEST chance for success at a new relationship. Don’t try to find someone else to stop the “in love” feelings. It doesn’t work like that…it just sets you up for serial rebound relationships and you don’t want that!
I don’t know if your therapist has suggested journaling but journaling or writing letters that you DO NOT SEND goes a long way to processing the feelings and the times you miss him. Other than that, trust the process and know that it works. And be good to you in the meantime!
I’m SO glad you posted and that you are here!! You CAN do this and you WILL get over it!!
Kathy: Thanks as always. You have come so far so fast. I think that some of us have lightbulb “ah ha” moments where it all just makes sense. I think you’ve had yours in the past year and I’m glad you’re here and sharing with others. Thanks much.
Jim: THAT’S IT!!! You will still be sad and have down days but the future looks bright…you ARE getting over it and preparing yourself for someone special who will truly appreciate you…and believe me SHE is out there! Keep being good to Jim and it will happen!
WorkingOnIt: Do you have plans to sell the house? Is there anyway to separate while its being sold? My suggestion to you would be to see a lawyer. It’s probably all very black and white contractual law but there should be some way that you and your ex can come to terms with new living arrangements and financial arrangements. I’ve done the living under the same roof after it’s over and it’s SO HARD.
First of all, speak to a lawyer. Second of all, tell the ex that you do not want to have any conversations unless it has to do with disposal of the house or future living arrangements. SET FIRM BOUNDARIES around hearing about new girlfriends or anything, really. You have to be the one to shut if off. Let us know how it’s going. It’s TOUGH to still be under the same roof! Take care of YOU.
Oceanblaze: thanks for your thoughts. I have been able to wish some of my exes happiness but others I’ve been not so gracious. I think that anger has something to do with it. But I believe that if it’s right, it’s right. Whether that is “meant to be” or not, it’s the same sentiment.
Too many try to fit a square peg into a round hole and it doesn’t work. Sometimes we just don’t want to “go back out there” looking for THE ONE. But if we just live our lives and do our best for ourselves, everything else will take care of itself. Thanks for sharing! I love your perspective!
When will you be on Oprah? :)
This is a brilliant post. I don’t know if it’s the time of year, or having too much time on my hands, or being alone all week, but this is exactly what I needed to hear today. You actually made me cry (though today that’s no great feat). It’s been a bad day. I’ve done nothing but wonder why I’m here, what’s the point, and why am I bothering. I’m so miserable right now.
This hasn’t been one of my better days to fight off my feelings about the loss of my best friendship. Part of the problem is, since he and I became best friends, most of my other friends have dropped away or been excluded from the “inner circle” (like I said before, I’m really a one-person person) — with his encouragement to let them go, I might add. I think he really liked the idea that I belonged to him exclusively. It gave him a sense of power, which he likes. He encouraged me to drop all other projects. I turned down roles in other shows that were directed by other people, because he told me he felt they weren’t good enough for me. So, now the problem becomes, I’m all alone and facing this rejection pretty much without any positive influence. This website has been a tremendous help in that regard.
All I seem to do since the breakup is relive our moments together, mostly our fights, and wonder how the hell it all could have careened so terribly off course. I try to fix things by making nice all the time and trying to forgive and forget. He’s been going along with it — which I think is unhealthy. I sometimes think it would be better for me if he would just have the courage to say, “buzz off”. I blame myself. I blame him. I seethe as I blame his “other” friend who has tried so hard to wedge herself between us.
I fantasize about having a big confrontation with him where I tell him all the times he hurt me, in the hope that he will finally see the extent to which he is culpable. Then I think to myself, “What will this accomplish?” — and the answer is, “nothing”. While I think I get to unload all this poison I’m carrying around, all I’d really be doing by confronting him is recirculating all this bad energy. In the end, he’ll just get defensive and angry, and I’ll get blamed for acting like a loon.
Yet, even knowing logically that I simply need to let it all go and move forward, even though I intellectualize that I need to live in the present and create a new future, I’m having a hard time letting go of that negative energy. It turns inwards. I see no hope. It’s like living in a prison of my own construction. I’m trying to treat my body better by getting out walking, taking better care of myself, meeting people, but in my mind, all I hear is “blah blah blah”. I obsess over when I’m going to see my friend again, what I’m going to say, where we will be in a month, in six months, in a year — whether I let go or not. Will he be with new people? Will I still be stuck in a rut? Moreover, I wonder if he will tell people that I was a bad, horrible person for some imagined wrong that may be at the heart of where it all went wrong — and I don’t even know. Then the whole process recirculates back to obsessing over why it all went wrong until I go to sleep again and start the process all over again the next day.
The good news is, I don’t think about it as often as I was. It’s like the saying goes of “one day at a time” though sometimes it’s one hour at a time. I try to distract myself and stay busy even with small things (like going for a walk). It helps, but it’s not conquering as I’d hoped.
Anyway, this is my very long way of saying thank you for this post and for giving hope to those of us feeling hopeless today. It has really helped me through a very dark day.
Thank you Susan!
I have asked him to leave. I have learned a lot about the person my ex is currently or ‘really’ is. When we broke up, he mentioned that he needs time to think about him and I can see that. If he thought of me, he would of left once he decided to end the relationship since he knew he was going to start dating someone else.
I am trying to be civil and mature during this breakup since we live under the same roof. When I asked him to leave, he becomes child-like and states ‘I taking this and this …’ ‘If I don’t live here - why do I have to pay for X Y Z? (my answer to him is because that was the existing financial arrangement) ‘ He also had the nerve to tell me ‘I should recognize how lucky I am that he is still paying his share of the bills’. Like he is threatening me. I don’t know why he stated that since he still lives here! He shows no remorse on how he handled this break up and the awful timing (my new job with traveling and other personal issues that came up this year).
It is very weird because he doesn’t see anything wrong with us sharing the same roof! It is unnerving that he thinks it is ok to be in a relationship with someone else and come home and his ex. On top of that, he also attempts to be friends with me ( he will make breakfast, bought me a Christmas present etc…) I told him that I need space and being friends is not an option and with the deceit may not be a possibility at all! If he wants to move on, move on - stop trying to be buddy with me while you are already professing your love and talking about marriage and children with another female two months later! It shouldn’t matter to me but, he stated that he doesn’t want the single life because it’s ’single’. So.. basically you are with the new girl because you don’t want to be alone and you are already talking about a life and love with her ? To be honest, I think he is mentally and emotionally unstable.
About the house:
I have consulted a real estate attorney.
I have been tossing and turning on the selling of the house. I have been looking for alternatives to keeping the house ( changing the deed, finding addtl financial help to pay the mtg etc…) because a part of me is saying ‘ why do I have to lose my home in addition to the idea of the future I was going to have?’ I feel so up in the air because I have lost that sense of ‘home’ - this new job has me traveling and living out of suitcases and now when I get ‘home’ I now have to sell it? It is all so emotionally draining.I don’t feel that I can officially move on while we are still connected with this house. Therefore… as much as it hurts - I will accept the fact that I have to sell my home. Writing this is breaking my heart all over again. What makes this worse is that he smirked when I brought up selling the house because now it is not just him having to move out - I will have to start new as well. That child-like attitude is so disgusting to me. I look back and say ‘ I wanted to spend my life with you!’ I guess it is a blessing that I learned this before marriage and kids:)
I know that I will survive this and I am very aware of my feelings. I have been journaling and talking with my support systems as much as possible. I cry when I feel like and try to go through the emotions as much as possible. I have been writing lists on what I love about myself and what I want to do with the addtl time I have on my hands. It is very scary but in the grateful moments, I am excited about what the future holds. When I love, I love completely. And with the end of this relationship, I feel that in the future, I have the chance to love again and with someone who will love me as deeply and truly as I love them.
Thank you for reading … all comments are appreciated :)
madmargaret
I totally know what you are feeling. I tried to take it day by day but some days it is like you said a ‘hour by hour’ moment. I try to be ‘graceful’ during my ‘low’ energy days and ‘grateful’ during my ‘high’ energy days.
Give yourself credit when you complete little things like taking a walk. You are doing something good for you! When I take a walk or go out to a film on my own, I tell myself - good for you. I could have just stayed home or in bed, but instead you did something constructive for yourself.
This is tough, be gentle with you.
Peace and Blessings
Working on it: It IS a good thing that you learned this now before marriage and children, but unfortunately after a house which is sometimes more difficult to extricate yourself from than a marriage.
Learn your lesson, sell the house and move on. If he gives you any grief about selling it or paying the bills while you still have it you might want to consult a general practice attorney and if he stops paying the bills, take him to court for breach of contract.
He sounds like a ridiculous spoiled child. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
You can and will move on and do so much better! Sounds like a blessing in disguise!
Margaret, what he thinks of you is none of your business. And STAY IN TODAY. Put your head where your feet are. Losing a friendship is a tough, tough thing. Losing a best friend is heartbreaking…and the anger is very real and very palatable. Reviewing the relationship is NORMAL but there is a very fine line between review and obsession. Make sure you are taking many breaks and that you are BEING GOOD TO MARGARET during those breaks!
You have to let go of all that negative energy and take the bat out of your hand and stop beating yourself in the head with it! You are a good and worthwhile person and you have to concentrate on that.
And never ever ever let one person influence you to get rid of everyone else. NEVER. I’m sure that is a lesson you have learned. There will be new people.
Be GOOD TO MARGARET!!! The journaling and the allowing of your feelings is GREAT and it’s good that you recognize that you are in process. Trust the process and be positive and one day you will be loved the way that you love.
Completely.
Hang in there!
Susan,
How did you handle living with your ex? How did you deal with him coming and going throughout the house? It is getting tough since my traveling has lessened during the holiday season. Well, the holiday season is tough as is.
Thank you for your words, they are very comforting.
It wasn’t easy, but we did set some ground rules to live by and one was that we didn’t share personal information or flaunt things in each other’s face. We tried to stay away from each other as much as possible and just live as disinterested roommates.
It was hard because I had kids and they liked him a lot and he liked them. He was still involved with the kids when I wasn’t home…he wasn’t the type of person to shirk his responsibilities (he cooked for them on nights when I was in school…we were staying together until I graduated from graduate school which was about 4 months).
We did get into one or two arguments which were kinda stupid and it was a lot of displaced anger both times but overall we tried to act civil and be as responsible as we could toward each other and the financial arrangements. We both took a bath on the finances but he bought me out and eventually he took the bigger bath. I wish I had been able to stay in the house but it was too much for me alone.
While we were together we just set certain ground rules and they worked. When we worked out the financials we did so over email and then had a paralegal draw up the “settlement” contract between us. It’s best when it’s legal as to what is going to happen from here on in.
I’ve been a fan of your blog since my gf broke up with me months ago, after a long, drama filled breakup. I’m not one to usually comment, but I must thank you. I’m a very confident person in general and very self-aware, but your blog and its articles, including the comments from others have helped me move along faster and learn more about myself than I thought was possible!
The biggest favor my ex did was to break up with me. I am a confident person, but it is with that confidence I realized I still have work to do. Dystfunction attracts dysfunctional right? Had I been perfectly secure (like I thought I was), I wouldn’t have put up with the drama of her choosing between me and her best friend (he’d been pining for her for years)…she ended up choosing to try with him, saying that although our relationship was great, she couldn’t live with the regret of not trying with him. She went back and forth on this for 1 1/2 months…and I put up with it (like some commodity)! She also has a lot of other issues, but my point isn’t about her. It doesn’t matter. I have my life together in every other respect - career, personal, family - and for that, I am thankful. I always thought my ex deserved me…I was wrong…I don’t deserve her; I deserve better! What matters is that your articles have made me dig deeper into myself, journal, and work to banish whatever insecurities I still have.
Susann - thank you for being an unknowing guide on my journey - for that, I am grateful.
Mike
Susan,
Love your blog!
Rejection is hard to deal with…and not blaming yourself is even harder. My relationship ended only 2 months ago but with the help of my therapist, your site, journaling and focusing on ME, I have come so far in such a short amount of time. The first thing I wanted to do was blame myself. I did beat myself up daily about what went wrong…how could I have made it work? What should I have done? Why didn’t he love me enough? For me the examination/re-examination of the relationship was the hardest part. I couldn’t let go. I finally wrote down all the pros and cons of the relationship and read over those each day. Even though there were many good things in the relationship the few cons that existed were things that, to me, were deal breakers.
I realized that I had lost so much of ME while in the relationship and it was time to get “myself” back. I decided that I am worth much more - that I deserve to have someone love me completely! Even though my ex insisted that we remain friends I decided to go the no contact route. I think it is just too hard to let go of those “in love” feelings if you still have contact - it is too easy to grasp that little bit of hope.
It is a hard thing to go through - but you have to GO through it to GET through it, and it does get better day by day.
Thank you for your wisdom.
WOW Mike…I LOVE to hear comments like yours! That is so GREAT. I’m so glad that you are on the “other side.” And you are right, you deserve so much more.
Notes like yours bring tears. Writing the blog and the book and doing the classes isn’t easy with my schedule and some days I feel so tired…but it is notes like these (and others) that help me believe that I’m passing on all the great stuff that helped ME when I was down and everything seemed so dark.
Thanks for checking in and letting us all know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am grateful you are here!!!
Peace,
Susan
2LD, thanks for checking in. I love your blog and the pix of your puppies. :)
Thanks for sharing your experience. I think that the NC route makes the “getting over it” easier. Not easy…but easier.
I’m so glad you decided to get YOU back. I know that for me I was discovering me for the FIRST TIME and it was marvelous!
I’m glad you’re here and sharing your TERRIFIC stuff!
Peace,
Susan
Tomorrow, we are going to discuss when he moves out, what he will pay for and the splitting up of items in the house. I am writing everything down and contacting a lawyer to draw up a document - just in case.
I think I am good at detaching to discuss business but, if he does get emotional and child-like and then I am forced to go into mommy-mode and talk softly so that he calms down.
Is that best? I am good when I am alone and dealing with my emotions but, when talking about the business aspect of the break up, depending on the day, it can be difficult.
It sounds like a plan. And try to deal with the financial stuff on your good days or good hours if that is the case. When you are feeling strong. I think that writing down everything is good and if you start to not feel strong or feel like you’re going to be upset, you can end it and pick it up another day.
Tell him that if he can’t calm down then you can contact a lawyer and he can contact a lawyer and the lawyers can hash it out to the tune of thousands of dollars.
Take care of you. The sooner you get the loose financial ends cleared up, the better you will be. Take care of you.
Susan, without your help, I wouldn’t be where I am as quickly. True, I have a great support network of friends/family, but as we both know, the work must be done by me and no one else. You were my guide. It is noble of you to be willing to pass on your wisdom - being only 25, my experiences aren’t numerous and I have less to draw from. We are lucky that you take the time to share, even with your other obligations. :-) If it wasn’t for my ex, I would have never found your website…maybe I should send her a thank you card! lol…NOT…no contact, of course!
On a related note, I’ve realized music to be a most interesting aspect - have you found that it helps show you what point you’re at in the grieving process? When I first got dumped, my ex and I both bawled our eyes out at “Goodbye My Lover” by James Blunt (I admit, before I found your blog, I didn’t think NC was the way to go)…all the lyrics rang true for me. Then, for the next little while on my own, every sad, sappy, breakup song about feeling lost or wanting her back made me feel like crap. I hated listening to music. But now, after journaling, picking up the pieces, and learning from my experience, things are different. I can listen to the same songs, such as “Goodbye My Lover,” and realize that I no longer feel that way anymore. I remember the pain - but that’s the key: it’s a memory now and I no longer feel it same way I did before. Now, I tend to relate to post-breakup songs, empowering ones such as “Over You” by Daughtry and have no problem listening to the sad ones, since I’m no longer in that place. In a strange way, the sad ones make you feel better too, because it reminds you of where you were and the work you’ve done - how you’ve overcome a low point in your life. Your article today was perfectly timed for me - it reiterated the things I know and helped keep things in perspective!
One thing I’d like to share though (wow, this is getting to be a long post) is that for me, this was my first love. The hardest thing was differentiating the relationship from the person - I miss the positive things the relationship had to offer (companionship, comfort, etc.), BUT not specifically her. I know I can find someone more compatible and still have those things. However, when it’s your first love, the mind may know that fact, but it was easy for the heart to associate only your first love with those good times. So here’s my thought for those in the same spot: you miss the relationship, not your ex…in time, that becomes clear! Have faith!
Many thanks,
Mike
WorkingOnIt:
I did a lot of work over the years that helped bring me to this much better place, but in the last year, following a bad breakup, I turned into high gear. Things I did pretty intensely for about 4 months (besides therapy) include, randomly: journaling, affirmations, NC, focusing on my own issues in the relationship and sorting through what was mine to own and what was his, forgiving myself for my own shortcomings and practicing better choices in my non-romantic relationships with other people, writing poetry, writing letters to “him” and NEVER sending them, talking to friends, taking a trip, balancing alone time to cry with together time with others, crying on friends shoulders, finding some volunteer work in the community that was meaningful to me (this came much later, actually, but it was on my list of things to do in my new life w/o the ex and I eventually got to everything), returning to abandoned projects in my professional life that being single gave me time to do, reading A LOT of helpful books (many recommend on this site by Susan)…etc. Therapy was a good choice for me and sped up the process. Allowing myself to dream about all of the things I would like to do in my life that did not have to include a partner and making a list of projects, goals and adventures gave me hope. I walked through the pain. I believed every day what my therapist and Susan and a couple of close friends were saying to me: that it WOULD get better, not just with time, but also with help and support from others and A LOT of love and care for myself. Sometimes I mentally “tucked myself into bed”, as I would a child…I learned to self-soothe. Walking helped here, too. I reminded myself constantly, when it was really painful, that I always had a choice between doing the impulsive thing (immediate gratification of some kind) and the harder, more mature, more dignified thing (putting on my shoes and walking off the stress and pain for that moment, reading and journaling my feelings into a manageable state, calling a friend instead of the ex, etc. I learned to accept my feelings and not judge them and, be extension, to allow them without reacting to them. They do diminish or go away completely when I sit with them without worrying about them or acting on them. When I felt really sorry for myself (as in “I am doomed.” “I am cursed.” “I will never be loved well.”), I held on like crazy to LOGIC. I didn’t want to over-intellectualize the emotional stuff, but at the same time, I didn’t want to get lost in the purely emotional, irrational stuff, either. It’s highly unlikely that any of us will end up “alone” or go the rest of our lives “unloved”. We are all loveable and we do meet new people and enter new relationships. There is no love without risk, but the loss of one love does not mean the end of all love, even though it feels that way after a breakup. We have to learn to be resilient enough to handle the risk–to enter and exit love relationships with courage and self-esteem so we can avoid settling for the wrong relationship just to have one, or to avoid pain altogether by not trying again some day. So those umbrella statements like “I’m cursed” represented an extreme emotional pain, but nothing logical or probable. So logic helped in those moments.
Sorry this isn’t more organized; hope something here is helpful to you! You are going to be ok, and your life will be as great as you want it to be. This one relationship does not define you or your life. It’s a chapter in your book. As you close it, allow yourself to begin dreaming up the next one!
Kathy
Kathy,
Thank you so much! Your insight and kind words have definitely helped me put my situation in perspective and has also given me some pointers that I have not thought of.
I definitely have the high days and low days but overall, I know that all will be well again. Right now, I am just trying to get through day by day - due to the house situation.
I am at a point of learning about me again without ‘us’.
Again, thank you Kathy :)
Mike, thanks for your post! My first H and I were highschool sweethearts and best friends. It was very hard. When we first broke up I could not listen to music. Then as time went on, I remember that he came over the house and was bossing me around, he was a controller and I just said to him, “keep it to yourself, it’s my life.”
A HUGE step for me and I realized that was a Billy Joel song and I went out and got it and played it and other empowering songs all the time! Music was BACK in my life! and it was fabulous!!!
A recent one is Christina Aguliera’s Fighter. That sums up everyone in my past life. :)
Thank You Susan for this Post! I feel like the previous posters about your timing (you don’t have a microphone set up at my home do you?) :) This really got me out of my funk today when I read it and really made me feel better about myself since as you know how much I seem to think it is my fault. You really have a great way of putting things into perspective! I also think this site has been great in getting me past my past! The work on me continues but the hammer is finally being put down and I am forgiving myself FINALLY! thanks!!!!
I’ve read on this site a couple of times, “I go to sleep thinking of him, I wake up thinking of him, I dream of him, and I think of him 99% of the time during the day. This is so true. Right after my break-up, I took on an extra part-time job twice a week, and in this job I had to use a stopwatch while reading (accurately) at a high speed to a room full of adult students. My brain was multitasking and working HARD, and yet it STILL found a place, while I was reading and timing, for sad thoughts to a point where I had to hold back tears!! Give me a break! I used to pray, “God, please get him out of my head. Please just get him out of my head.” That was six months ago. During the past six months, I have grieved even more so than when my father died (which I feel guilty about), but I’m at a very strang place right now. I love the moments where I realize that I haven’t thought about him (or the situation) for a few hours or even half a day. I even had a point yesterday where I actually WANTED to think about it. I went there willingly, and I didn’t cry. I finally, finally see a light at the end of this tunnel. There was no light for a long time. I don’t know what I would have done without this site.
GrowingWings:
I remember having the same guilt, except it was about my mother who had passed away not too long ago. I felt bad that for some reason, my breakup felt like it hurt way more, even though before this, I thought watching my mom pass away in front of my eyes at the hospital was the toughest thing I’d ever have to do. I thought “if I got through that, I can get through anything.” Then my breakup came along and I felt worse! It took me some time before I realized that what I felt was normal.
For me, losing my mom was only that - a loss. Getting dumped by my gf was a loss AND rejection. I never had to question my mom’s love for me and what she had done for me. But when you get dumped, you question the whole relationship - whether any of it was real and where it went wrong. So the reason I felt worse was that I was dealing with more different emotions in the breakup. The loss of a parent, in a sad way, is more readily accepted as a cycle of life than being blindsided and dumped.
Just my two cents. :-)
That’s very true. Death is loss. Breakups are loss plus rejection. Excellent point.
Susan
Thanks so much for your wonderful words of wisdom. I have been following them the best I can. I had a burning desire to call my ex but I finally realized my phone isn’t ringing for a reason. It really is hard when you don’t have proper closure. When you think this person cares deeply for you and then all of the sudden it’s done and you didn’t really see it coming. Looking back there were things said but I’d always chalk it up to work pressures and other things. If the mutual love isn’t there no matter how much it hurts you have to walk away with your pride. No one wants a clingy needy person, you have to be happy on your own come and BELIEVE that something spectacular is around the corner! Here’s to 2008 and new beginnings.
hello all…just thought I would drop a quick note to thank Susan for the great advice. Reading through MadMaragret’s piece, I understand that we are not alone in our hurtful world. With that note, I want to wish everyone to be blessed with love, happiness and may the spirits of the world bless all of you with loving and meaningful relationships in the coming year
Wow. Thanks so much for this article Susan. It helped me so much right when I needed it. I have struggled so much with the pain of a rejection this past year. I am slowly getting better and you and your blog are part of the reason why. Thanks again and happy new year.
Lisa Anne
Happy 2008 Susan and welcome to my life..I always believe that things come into our life for a reason..and this is a quote I wrote a couple years ago ”Our Path in life is already chosen for us, we just have to be strong enough to take the Journey”. I believe that the messages that come to us when we open our eyes to them will keep us strong through lifes Journey. I have you added to my favourites, so that I can read this article daily until I can get through. I have been in two long term failed relationships that, looking back I know were because of my jumping in way to quickly and not getting to know the person better. Now I have this opportunity to find real love and again I find myself trying to jump to quickly into a relationship that is only a few months old and as been challenging to say the least. He isn’t the one, I know it because after reading your article I see it. So, my New Year’s resolution is to remember this quote that I just read recently, which of course I know is all about timing…..Never make someone a priority who makes you an option….
madmargaret, I had a very similar problem with the obsessive thinking thing. I was doing something similar- thinking about what could have been changed so that everything wouldn’t have been so horrible. Over. And over and over. Since that stage was so super-miserable for me (every day, almost constant thinking about what happened, the other woman, etc.), maybe one of the strategies I used will help you. One big thing that helped was trying to switch mental modes into plugging into the “moment”. Be where you are doing what you are doing with every sense and your mental focus- notice what you see, what you hear, and the details about those. That will shut your mind up. (I got this from the book, “The Power of Now”.) Another big thing was taking a “time out” from the obsessing, by lying in my bed and imagining how peaceful and nice it would be to be past that- and actually “feeling” that over-the-obsessing feeling. Whew. This kind of break feels wonderful. A third thing was having a really nice topic to think about to switch to- I have a new nephew, and that’s what I used. Last, the journaling helped me pour out a lot of that mental energy that was swirling around- I could really feel the lessening of the obsessive mental energy when I finished a journal entry before I went to bed.
I’ve been stuck on this blog since it was written, reading it several times a day and I haven’t been able to check the new blogs yet. It speaks to me so deeply, and helps give me the boost I need that’s it’s okay, in fact GOOD, to not have the rejector in my life at this time. Thank you
I love the expression “Reject the Rejector” I wrote it down on an index card and pinned it above my computer. I also loved what Melody said about “Never make someone a priority who makes you an option….” words to live by.
I have never posted a comment before, but feel the urge now too. Discovering this blog has been a God send for me. It’s funny how sometimes the thing that you needed the most apprears at the stangest of times and in the stangest of ways.
I will try to condense my “story” to the reader digest version.
My ex husband is VERY intense. Everything he does, he does at 100 miles an hour. We met, courted, sold both of our houses and moved our 5 children into a new house in 11 short months.
Then the trouble started. His 14 year old daughter was diagnosed as Bi-Polar, couldn’t get along with her Mother so came to live with us full time 3 weeks after we were married. She then became violent towards me . Always when no one else was in the home. All the while my husband didn’t want to believe any of it was happening. In fact accused me of “making it up” and suggested that I needed counceling.
The daughter then called her Grandmother and told her she was going to kill me ( I know, sounds like a REALLY bad movie of the week, but true I swear) Anyway, Grandmother calls husband, he goes and picks up daughter, commits her to hospital and comes home and lies to me, telling me that daughter threatened suicide (I should also mention, husband is in Law Enforcement and a City Councelman and tends to leave his gun laying around)
One of his best friends (also in Law Enforcement) calls me and says that he will not lie for husband and tells me the truth.
I make the decison at that moment that if he can’t tell me the truth, he can’t protect me or my children and I need to leave.
He spends the next 3 months totally obsessing, calling at one time a 100 times in one day. Begging to give him another chance.
Drama, drama drama and like an idiot I let him convince me that all our problems were as a result of daughter. I agree to get back together but with the condition that I will only spend time with him when he doesn’t have his 3 kids and when my two are with their Dad. I felt like my kids had already seen too much.
Anyway this works for like two weeks and then the pressure to move back in and remarry starts.
By this time I had bought a house across town and refuse to sell and move in with him (again). After 6 months I again make the decision to end the relationship bacuase I am unwilling to remarry and put my girls and myself in an unhealthy situation.
4 days after I “end” it, he moves his highschool girlfriend into his house. she was in the middle of a divorce and lost temporary custody of her 4 children (ages 2 to 16) due to substance issues and suicide threats. She has since lost all custodial rights.
He then begins calling, texting, coming into my house when I’m not home and looking for me on weekends when Im out with friends.
The girlfriend then begins calling at all hours of the night on my cell and home phone.
The daughter soon follows.
Needless to say its been a very hard year. Our divorce was final Jan 06. But for some reason I always answered the phone etc. But the beginning of December, something just snapped. I’m tired. I had security installed around my house, changed my work, call and home phone numbers as well as block his e-mails.
I began running as an escape and found that I really loved it. I’ve lost alot of weight and found a totally different hairstyle but have come to realize that as much as I was working on the outside I wasn’t doing what I needed to do on the inside. I just wasn’t moving on. I was tending to obsess about him. It’s very easy to find out what he’s doing becasue he’s in the newspaper all the time. I would do my daily google search to see what was going on.
The hardest, most hearbreaking thing is realizing that the person that you loved, thought you would spend your life with and are in the middle of this incredible pain because of has just replaced you, without a backwards glance.
I actually found this website in the oddest of circumstances. My family was in Hawaii for Christmas. I put on my game face for my kids and family but was really not doing very well. My ex husband made that trip with me. He ran the beaches at sunrise, saw every sunset, and every tour with me in my mind. Maybe that was my closure, I don’t know.
On one tour, I googled” deciding to get past your ex” and your website came up. I feel like I have learned so much in the week since then. One of the first things that made that “ahh hahh” moment for me was the phrase “what they think about you is none of your business”
I was really caught up in him knowing how much he hurt me. Who cares? He doesn’t. But you know what? I took back my power. I rejected the rejector.
Whether his rebound relationship works out is also none of my business.
I also follwed your advise and went out New Years Eve when I wasn’t going to. In other words act “as if” so I bought a new dress and went out. Funny thing happened. I had a great time! I was with some great friends and met some new ones. I was even asked out and said no. I wasn’t dating right now. Talk about taking back my power! I realized the next morning that I hadn’t thought about him at all! That was mind blowing for me that I had to think about that he hadn’t crossed my mind all evening!
So much for being brief! I’ll close in saying, Yeah in alot of ways this hurts, it sucks even, but remember it hurts bacause it was real for us and that means we’re not broken.
We’re going thru this because we need to and it will be okay. The days ahead are full of promise and the future is bright.
Thank you for this website. You bring alot of peace to many.
Thank you everyone for being here and stopping by to comment. The comments always keep me positive. I am amazed by your stories and your fortitude to get past your breakups.
Patrick: KEEP THE HAMMER DOWN! And forgive yourself that you didn’t know that you didn’t know. Keep up the good work. Looking forward to meeting you at the march class!
GrowingWings: I’ve heard it said that you can’t hold two thoughts at the same time and I’ve always thought: WRONG! When you are an obsessive thinker (like I am) you can think about the one thing you’re not supposed to be thinking about no matter what you are doing. It takes processing out and hard work to wash that man (or woman) right outta your hair. I’m glad you’re seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Don’t feel guilty about the “amount” of grief for your ex vs your father. Sometimes when we think we are grieving one loss we are actually feeling “loss” and other losses are at play as well. We never usually just grieve one thing. So I’m sure the loss of your father is also involved in the loss of your ex and you’re feeling LOSS in general as well as loss for your ex.
Also, as Mike says, losing a parent is part of the life cycle whereas being blindsided and dumped is not (or shouldn’t be…but for many it becomes one!) and Margaret says it’s loss plus rejection that’s hard. Take care of you and don’t “evaluate” your grief. It is what it is.
Susan, thanks for sharing that! You DO have to believe you’re fine on your own and that something spectacular is around the corner…because you are and it is! Thanks for posting!
Jeff: being alone with a huge hurt is the worst thing ever. No, you are not alone…glad you are here! Thanks for sharing!
Hi Lisa Anne! I’m so glad you’ve been here the past few months. I’ve seen such growth in you. 2008 will be bright for you indeed! As always, thanks for posting.
Melody: thanks for the quote …NEVER make someone a priority who makes you an option. INDEED. One of my last serious relationships was that way. One day I just said to him, “I matter dammit!” and he said, “I never said you didn’t.” and I said, “Oh yes you do…by your ACTIONS.” And it was buh bye.
Serenity: good advice. I used to do relaxation tapes and meditation tapes to stop the obsessive thinking. When I found Stephen Levine, I worked hard at a daily meditation practice but never made it stick. It’s weird though that the guy I was with at the time (93/94) took it up and to this day he still has a daily practice (we touch base once a year around Christmas time and he just told me this recently). Meditation and yoga and relaxation tapes and all of that really calm the mind.
Roxx: Glad you are here! Yes, reject that rejector! Keep on sharing!
MadMargaret that is a GOOD affirmation! Lather, rinse, repeat. ;) Say it early and often.
BrightFuture: thanks for being here. That is some story! I’m glad you are here and sharing. I think you are wise to move on before someone blows your head off and leaves your children without a mother. SHEEESH!! How scary! I’m glad you left it all behind you. You do have bright future. Thanks for sharing.
I love to hear from people who just stumbled upon us. The people who visit here and post are really terrific and I’m very fortunate to share my little digital footprint with so many great people! I am so glad you are all here reading and sharing!
this is my favourite place to come right now,,it lifts me up. I journal every day and it helps so much to read back over every few days to see what I was thinking/feeling. it’s great to have close friends to spew it all out to but sometimes you feel like they are looking at you and thinking what a pathatic woman to want someone who doesn’t make her matter. One thing I do see myself writing and that’s how much I miss him, I shouldn’t be missing him…I should feel his presence even when he isn’t here. Another quote I have found that I need to hold onto is To know that not to be first choice in the eyes of the person (YOU) Love…means you are not a choice at all…
You loved someone deeply who loved you deeply and then this person just swtiched off and hurt you in many ways that were unimaginable at the height of your mutual love. This option applied to me the most, not that you were asking us to choose Susan.
It was difficult to accept that he stopped loving me all of a sudden, that was the reason why it was so difficult to move on. After I have realised that he has checked out of the relationship way before he even decided to dump me and was simply waiting for me to do something stupid to finally have the gall to do it, that was when I thought, how cruel, how rude and how unloving. Sometimes I even think it wasnt love but just the fantasy of love, and sometimes I just dont care anymore.
I share your sentiments about rejecting the rejecter, I was in emotional limbo for quite a long time that it almost killed the best in me, but I am not going to lose this battle because I dont give two hoots if you dont love me anymore. You can roam the earth and look for that love but you wont find it anywhere, youve had your chance and now youve lost it.
Thanks again Susan for this very inspiring post to remind us of the need to be very good to ourselves and put a full stop to what hurts.
Ahhhh…If only I had found GPYP when I was suddenly handed divorce papers by the process server! Unbeknownst to me until that moment, my now former husband wanted a divorce. At that time, the loss of what I thought was love was heartbreaking. The hurt was immeasurable and I had to allow time to work it’s magic. Susan, you described my life (in hell) once upon a time.
Fast Forward: My life has found peace, self-respect, self-love, joy and beauty. Real, amazing beauty. I always thought myself ugly…I was told a thousand times as a redhead I was ugly…carrot-top, matchstick, flame brain…you name it. Well, I found value in my own life, and love for myself EXACTLY AS I AM. I realized I could no longer be bothered with someone who didn’t love me. After all, I was worthy…and I finally saw it for myself. FINALLY. But the gift of desperation was bestowed on me through another gift: divorce papers when I least expected them. In my case, love wasn’t really love and I had no choice but to counter rejection with rejection.
Spoken like a true New Yorker, Susan:
Forget about changing your whole life just so this narrow-minded little bonehead will love you. Because who knows what (or who) you are missing as you roll around in the mud with this numbskull.
How accurate. I can’t wait for your New York seminar!
Simone,
I identify with what you say about the “suddenness” of it all. In retrospect, I can see that my ex was falling out of love and didn’t have the guts to tell me ON ANY LEVEL that his feelings were changing. (He acted pretty darn content and never brought up any issues of concern.) It happened suddenly. He was waiting for me to push him there (to the breakup). I didn’t see it coming. I had been honest with him about my own changing feelings, but I was still WORKING on things and I thought he wanted to, too. It wasn’t worth my energy, I see now, but at the time, I would have appreciated a man with a spine who could stand up on any given day and tell me what he REALLY felt and thought and wanted. So frustrating. So painful. He just went from being passive to one day being a total JERK (verbally aggressive). I pushed him into explaining himself and he did NOT like it. He was so uncomfortable with direct communication about his feelings–ESPECIALLY anger–that he shut down again. That’s when I asked him if he wanted out of the relationship. His answer stunned me: “Yes, I think so.” My first thought was “You’re kidding, right?” Without any help for me to know that he was going from point A to point B. I’m sure he didn’t see it coming himself, but the point is that he would never have seen any of his true feelings coming because he was in denial about them. He was the most emotionally dishonest person I’ve ever dated. It was a terrible way to breakup. But oh boy did I learn a lot about myself and about real love in the months that followed…
At the risk of over-generalizing, many men do have more trouble identifying and talking about their feelings than women do (not always true, I know that, but often). However, this particular man was simply a faker, an imposter…very emotionally immature and in his 40s. If I had not pushed issues and our discussion of them, he would have married me and then spent his nights drinking (either hiding it at home or just out at the bar). Peter Pan is now his nickname.
Wow, I haven’t felt the anger of that for a long time! I’m glad I rejected him (I hadn’t heard the phrase “reject the rejector” at that point). I spent that whole night awake thinking of all of the reasons *I* should have broken up with HIM. When morning came, he was back-pedaling and I was planning when and how his move out of my house should take place. I felt guilty and stubborn for awhile after that, but now I see it differently–I was taking care of ME and I knew from that moment on that he did not choose me the way I deserve to be “chosen.” Nor could I ever choose him that way, if I ever did.
Heather:
YOU ROCK! I love that post. Good for you.
Red hair, by the way, is BEAUTIFUL. I just read the other day that only 2% of the world’s population has red hair and it may one day be gone forever because people of different cultural and ethnic groups are now “mating” more than ever before in history. (I read this article in National Geographic). Anyway, this makes you extra special. :) What would the world be without redheads? That would just be weird! And sad.
I wish I could meet you in NY at the seminar. I’m going to be in NYC around the same time, but it’s a (romantic) trip already planned by new beau and we fly out (of NY) in the morning on the 8th! He just gave me the plane ticket, so I didn’t know it was going to pan out this way. Have a great time and tell me all about it!
Kathy
Thank you so much, Kathy! I will certainly tell you all about the NY seminar. Sorry you are going to miss it. A romantic trip would be more enticing to me, also. I’ve already been spoiled with a romantic trip to Hawaii for Christmas! I hope you have a blast!
Regards,
Heather
SAY WHAT?????
;)
Susan–the romantic trip is not more enticing than your NY seminar, of course ;), it’s just already paid for. :)
Wow..i love this site,i got it from someone on women who love to much site..This is so helpful,to know you are not alone.Its crazy how diferent our situations are but all too similar in our feelings,–anger,resentment,the what ifs,it all drives me completely insane.I feel like i am all yous rolled up into one with all my emotions going haywire. I DO have to get back to me.I comletely lost me in my current Bf,ex at the moment. I am TRYING to make him a permanent ex.But he boomerangs back to me with his pleading,begging,texting,calling..etc.etc..But i loved that line TOUGH..your right he shoulda treated me right when he had the chance.Its crazy how we let these poisonous relationships destroy us and the ME that i know. All my friends and family support me and like others cannot believe i cannot get past this JERK..It is ME who is holding ME back. I continue to ride on his up and down rollercoaster of DRAMA..It is not fun, me personally am having a hard time with the alone..uhh..it hurts.I am so used to being a WE..i lost ME.I cant even remember what l lik.feels like this guy sucked the life outta me at times. My smile was all i am known for..I laugh all the time..USED TOO..I am trying that is all i can say. I have to NOT answer his calls and pleading. He shoulda been the right man when he had tha chance..I have to learn NO,NO..i am printing out some of these for my desk also..to visually see these quotes. My mom said it best i just have a JERk in a pretty package..I will post more later..thanks for letting me VENT..
Christie
Wow Christie…that’s exactly how I feel too…having the hard time with the alone..used to being “WE” and forgetting what you like who you are scary stuff!! They should have treated us right, they had their chance(s)!!! Your mom’s quote fits mine too, a jerk in a pretty package….emotionally dishonest from the above post was a great line too( Kathy)
mine was VERY uncomfortable when put on the spot… when asked to make a choice and a commitment he got angry !! So I walked out. I am NO ONE’s second best anymore. And as much as I miss him, contacting him will only show him he can have me at whatever cost to my self esteem. No way. I do miss him, and I dread the time when he tries to talk to me ( he will, after 15 years I HAVE never done NC!!) This site and these posts inspire me EVERYDAY to live for EM and to quit spending all this energy thinking about him. Hard habits to break, but can be done!! They will miss us dreadfully and get their crap together( and climb mount everest if they have to!) to even have us speak to them, or they will never realize what they did and good riddance
to bad rubbish …WE ARE WORTH MORE THAN SOMEONE WHO IS SO PREOCCUPIED WITH WHAT THEY WANT THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT WHAT WE WANT!! Goodluck to all of you , keep posting I really enjoy this site and all the support. I continue to be proud of the strength I have in not driving by the house or contacting him. Although I did email him last night at my friend’s account just a happy new year, bad bad bad I know this because it’s manipulation and I shouldn’t care anymore ( but I had some drinks with my friend and well, probably not good to do so still fresh in the breakup!) More worried about my friend getting mad than what or if he will write!! Shameful , I know. But everyday I don’t do anything to contact him I feel good about myself. Almost one month. It’s been soooo hard.
Emmee
Now I’m in trouble… :p
Um my Mommy wasn’t as nice as your Mommies…She said my EX was raised by wolves. :)
Susan:
I would add another “love” scenario to your original post.
You loved someone who said he loved you, but was using you to get high or capture you so that that he could dominate you. Someone who never cared about you, but preyed upon you because you had the requisite vulnerabilities. Someone he pursued because he needed you for his/her own self-aggrandizement. Someone who goes by different labels: character/personality disordered; covert-aggressive; narcissistic or even sociopathic.
I believe I came to love a someone who never really existed. And believe me, that has been a hard one to disentangle from: rejecting the rejector who was merely smoke and mirrors.
P.S. Your blog has helped me, too — to stay sane.
Seeif
This No Contact is soooooo hard,its like a drug addiction thats the only way i can compare i guess the feelings.When my cell rings,i cringe knowing that I WANT to pick it up,but cant.He resorts to any and all methods to get at me.He will even then call my daughter(13)on her cell like where’s your mom,shes not answering her phone?? He tries my job,youname it he does it.But i really think he has alot of issues himself he needs to deal with.Part of me doesnt even think its about love no more its about him trying to regain control of me again and at this moment he finally sees i am serious.This site and you guys are wonderful,i have printed these quotes and they get me thru..i am worth way more than he gives or shows me.I realize he has to work on him and i have to work on ME and we cannot do this together.It is very unhealthy how we interact wth eachother,its because all the tension between us. I am angry he is angry.Our situation was a lil’ worse we lived together and i made him leave.Now he tries to play on my emotions because i am a nice person.He has no where to go,he cant sleep,eat yadda..yada.ya..I tell him you had somewhere before i met you you’ll be ok now that were not a we. The weekends..uhhhh the roughest,during the week i keep busy with work and my daughter..the alone time is horrible at this moment.I am learning i WILL start to enjoy my ME time.I am strong and will refresh myself and induldge in things i USED to do..the gym,shopping,out to dinner w/friends,my family..
Sometimes you just feel like a pathetic loser for letting someone have so much control over YOU and my emotions.It is hard becuse we tend to keep remebering the good times we were a we..But ME i keep refreshing my self with all the times i cried and he could care less.On the outside he is a very handsome and charming man,can charm the pants right off most people.He is so fake in public i tell him that often,which is why most thought at first what a great catch..ha–yeah right if they only lived with him and knew the real him.His mother warned me hes bi-polar,i shoulda heeded that one..Thanks for listening and keep on sharing..we all help one another..
Christie
Hi All,
Kathy, Simone:
Your comments are exactly what is going on in my life and in my head. I am going through these emotions and I am coming to a realization that I have abandonment issues and always did. This goes back to my dad and other men close in my life that have left me either emotionally or physically (death, removed themselves from my life etc) . The fact that my ex boyfriend withheld his true feelings and then lied for months (and he knew I had trust issues prior to him) in our relationship to be so as Kathy stated ‘emotionally dishonest’ and in denial of his feelings is so difficult to work through.
The purchase of the house was an action I felt meant that he was serious about the future of our relationship. We discussed that is what I took it as and he AGREED with me - he never said that I am still unsure or I have reservations.
Writing these words are helping me to release these emotions from my heart. I am getting better fgoing through this process of realization of myself and learning to get to a place of peace. I want to be the best person for ME. If I don’t actively work through this, how can I be anything to anyone else? I couldn’t live with myself knowing that.
Thank you all for your stories and advice.
My boyfriend of 5 years, who I lived with, hurt me really badly early this fall. He had a mental breakdown and shut down from me, decided he had to get away, blamed me for his problems. I tried to help him and save the relationship but I was the only one trying and I gave him the walking papers, told him we will never be friends, much to his dislike. Then I moved out of the apartment and that was that. It’s been a few of the hardest months of my life ever since. Can’t remember a time I have cried harder, felt more of a devasting loss, self-reflected and looked inward. But I am determined to turn this into the best thing that ever happened to me, so I am acting accordingly.
A few nights ago I started missing him and looking him up online. What I found is that he is an entirely different person now, even looks different, and that he seems to be happy. I know that his happiness will not last because he needs anti-depression medication for it to stick long-term (which he refuses to stay on) but the point is, he has moved on. He’s not the same guy I spent half a decade with and this new guy is not in love with me anymore. I am part of his past. He’s totally done.
And while that may seem like the most horrible thing to discover, as it lead to plenty of crying on my end that night, ultimately I think it’s a gift. He’s done/we’re over. I don’t need to keep wondering how this will all end because I know. I don’t need to keep staring at my phone and hoping he will call and declare how he made a huge mistake, because that will never happen. I am no longer what he wants, and frankly, if I’m being honest with myself, I feel the same.
I guess what I am trying to say is that someone not loving you anymore may feel like the worst sting in the world, but it’s a lot better than NOT knowing (mixed signals are a great way to string you along) or having it rubbed in your face. That’s why being friends is not a possibility. It makes it too hard to get over them because you still see glimmers of the person you loved, and it’s unbearable to literally watch someone look at you without the same love they once had. The best, and only way, is to cut off all ties and move forward.
Someone is out there for each of us that will love us unconditionally and give us what we need. A person who will give up on us or bail when the goings get tough is not someone who deserves to have us in their life. It’s just how it is. The great love of our life would never put us through so much pain and torment.
If I can survive this, slowly but surely, so can any of you. Just hang in there.
Hi Moving On,
I agree with you. I think it is impossible to remain friends with an ex. I could never do it and I don’t understand how some people can unless a breakup is mutual. My last boyfriend wanted me to remain friends after he left me for another girl. He broke up with me with no warning and I was devastated. I tried to be his friend for a little while via email (mostly because I was so attached to him and wanted him back) but it was pure torture. Having this person treat you differently than they used to when you don’t even understand why hurts so badly. And hearing him mention the girl he left me for was like a knife to the heart. My feelings for him hadn’t changed. I still loved him and I had never wanted the breakup.
So I had to break all contact with him and I know he probably didn’t understand why (or at least he acted like he didn’t understand why I couldn’t be his friend). He acted like there was something wrong with ME and that I was the bad guy for not being his friend. I deleted my email account and changed my phone number but I still suffered wondering if I had done the right thing for a long time. I suffered because I missed talking to him, I felt guilty for not being the “nice, understanding, cool” girl who could be his friend (like he said his other exes did), and I worried that I ruined any chance of a reconciliation by ending contact and changing any contact information he had for me. I too hoped for the call where he realized he made a huge mistake and missed me. I still do sometimes even though I changed my phone number, etc. He could contact me if he really wanted to but I still blame mysel