I rarely write posts for just one gender but this one is mostly for women dating men but portions of it apply to everyone.
When I was a practicing therapist working with women moving on from a relationship and getting ready to date again, I would encourage them to be a little less available than they had been in their last relationship. Women, inevitably, would say to me, “I don’t want to play games. I want to be who I am.”
Okay, well why are you an always available, no-life person? Why would anyone in his or her right mind find that attractive?
But that’s a simplistic answer. This is the real reason why:
1. Having your own life and your own interests makes you an attractive person. This is true when you’re dating or when you’re married 10 years. You do not want to advertise a person with a great life who isn’t ever going to be a burden or a weepy “you never pay attention to me” girlfriend and then give it all up for a relationship. That’s bait and switch and not fair to the relationship or to you.
2. If it doesn’t work out, whether next week, next year or 5 years from now, you have a life and friends and good things to go back to.
3. Men and women bond at very different places on the bonding spectrum. This is biological and innate and nothing you can do about it. The bonding spectrum goes from complete attachment to complete separation.
Think of it as a 100 degree line with 0 being complete separation and 100 being complete attachment.
Women bond at about 80-90 percent on the bonding spectrum. The closer they can get to complete attachment, the better they feel.
Men bond at about 50 percent on the bonding spectrum. They fear engulfment and enmeshment any higher and they fear abandonment and insignificance on the lower end of the spectrum.
0 -Complete separation___________________________50 – where men bond_________________________________80-90-where women bond______100-complete attachment
So what’s the answer? For men and women to be in complete conflict forever and ever over where on the bonding spectrum they should fall…therefore never bonding?
Will men forever be commitmentphobes?
Will women forever feel abandoned?
No. There are plenty of couples who just naturally fall into the “come here/go away” rhythm that makes for a happy relationship. But they are not the ones that have engulfment/abandonment issues. This is for those who do:
I don’t know how else to explain it but when a man is secure that he will not be engulfed if he goes higher than 50 percent, he WILL go higher than 50 percent…even to 80 or 90 percent…but it has to be for a finite period of time and it helps if the woman breaks the bond and goes back to separation than if he feels as if he’s running away or needs to pull himself away in the face of tears and recriminations.
When his visit to the higher end of the spectrum turns ugly when he tries to move back to his 50 percent, he’s going to be less inclined, next time to visit you at 80 percent. You will feel abandoned and unloved and run down to get him and try to DRAG him up to 80 but now he is running toward 30 and eventually to 0, trying to get away from this engulfing crazy person. And you’ll either breakup or be doing this dance forever.
I also know women who say, “Well why do I have to orchestrate all this? Why can’t he move closer to me?”
Well, dear, he WILL move closer to you as long as he knows he can move away when the time comes. Even better, if he knows you will get bored with your intimacy first, he’ll be back for more in no time.
So how is this NOT a game?
It’s NOT A GAME because it recognizes that the differing bonding zones are biological and there is really no reason to try to fight it. We can march in protest, write treatises, scream from the rooftops and hope for an evolution of the not-fairer-sex but chances are it won’t happen tomorrow because you can’t overcome biological bonding by civil decree.
So why do women have to work on separation? Why can’t men work more on attachment?
Because there’s really no payoff for men to be more attached. There’s nothing THERE for them on the higher end of the bonding spectrum. Even if you, as a woman, wanted to be bonded and attachment at 80 percent all the time, what exactly do you do and how does it remain special?
Answer: it doesn’t. You’ll both get bored and/or dysfunctional and it will be a mess.
So what is the payoff for women to work harder on being on the separation end of the spectrum? Well, when you are not always trying to DRAG your guy to the closer end of the spectrum, he won’t rebel against it…and then he will WANT to be intimate and will want to get closer when you are on the higher end. So your bonding will be deeper and richer and nicer and better.
Second, whole people have whole relationships. Healthy people have healthy relationships. Having separate issues and your own friends and time apart is HEALTHY. So if you both separate and go do your thing and have your own interests and friends, you are healthy people and whole people and when you come back together it will be BLAM! Seriously.
And this starts when you’re dating and continues until you’re married 50 years. ALWAYS have your own friends, ALWAYS have your own interests, ALWAYS take time for you: alone time and time to be good to yourself, ALWAYS take some time away from the guy and the relationship that he isn’t totally crazy about (they’ll learn that it’s okay and you and him will still be okay), and ALWAYS work on yourself and the things in you that need attention. (if you have trouble being alone, you can start there).
So the idea is to not always be available when you are dating. Do not answer every call, text or email. Do not accept every invitation to every day. And do not act like this person is the be all end all of all time. Pull back a bit, physically, mentally and emotionally. When you do bond and things are good, leave sooner than you would like. Leave it good.
Leave when you really want to stay longer. Don’t linger. Be upbeat about leaving and think of it in a positive way. It’s important to not leave too early and not leave too late. It’s important to leave them wanting more.
Also if YOU leave before the guy or you start to pull away first, YOU won’t feel abandoned and instinctively try to make him come closer. If he starts to end a great evening or weekend or event earlier than you’re ready to end it, your first instinct is to get him to stay longer because you’re feeling insecure and/or abandoned.
He senses your tugging and it makes him want to RUN, not walk, to his nice little “not engulfed” corner and when he’s nervous, it’s not about 50 percent…it’s about 30 or 20 or 10 percent. This is when guys disappear and women panic.
It’s very preventable unless he has BIG issues and if he does, you need to know it’s not something YOU caused. Again, another payoff to leaving early. You’ll KNOW you did nothing wrong to cause this running off craziness.
It’s also important to go for 50 percent most of the time. You don’t want to make a man SO insecure that he loses his mind because they tend to do that on the lower end of the spectrum. You don’t want him to feel engulfed OR insignificant.
Remember, he does not want to feel abandoned or insignificant. So you can’t just disappear completely for a long period of time…but don’t be always available either. It takes practice but you begin to know what makes a guy feel at 50 percent.
When I first met my husband, he did NOT get the fact that I needed to go away, occasionally, by myself. He did not get that I wanted to leave our sweet little cocoon of new lovers. He just didn’t get it and freaked out a bit.
I liked to take a weekend now and again and go away by myself to read, relax and recharge. The first time I did it, he damn near went crazy right before I left and while I was gone. He was still beside himself the second time. Now, 11 years later, he’s perfectly fine with it. It wasn’t easy to not cave the first two times, especially since both happened in the first year of our relationship, but if I had, we’d be in big trouble today (if we were still together), instead of happily married.
On a weekly basis, I can go out for a day (six hours, eight hours, ten hours) and be completely out of touch (no cell phone, no Blackberry) and he will miss me.
He likes 50 percent which happens when he knows I’m there but not hovering and not ignoring him. He starts to feel abandoned and unimportant (dipping below that 50 percent line toward 40 and then 30 and maybe even 20! Men start to miss you and want you at 45-25, but start to think, “Screw her.” about about 20 so 20 isn’t good.) but if I come home with some food for him, he zooms right back up to 50 percent (she’s home and she has food!!!) and after he eats he’s feeling good and warm and now he wants to be close and happy…he wants his 80 percent.
So it’s a matter of figuring out how not to dip below 50 and what will get him to 80 without demand and control on your part.
This is not a game.
And you ask WHY? because to you it SOUNDS like a game.
It’s not.
Although the idea is to spark desire in someone else, it also gives you the bonus of having your own life (because you don’t want to pretend to go out with your friends, you want to go out with your friend) and of being able to gauge someone’s reaction to this.
If a guy doesn’t want you to leave and shows signs of controlling or being a big baby, you want to know that too.
If a guy has objections about you retaining your friends and your interests, you want to know that.
If a guy wants you to be a no-life nobody who is only interested in you being available to him, you want to know that.
And you want to steer clear of this guy.
Being unavailable sometimes and being in control of your time actually works MORE for women than for men. Although it seems like capitulating to the way men naturally like things, it isn’t. There is a HUGE payoff for women.
A better life.
More interested men.
Healthier men.
The ability to pull back and see your own life as well as your budding relationship.
Nicer and deeper intimacy.
This is NOT about playing a game. It’s about understanding the innate and biological differences between men and women and capitalizing on that instead of being a victim complaining about men who won’t commit.
Take
Charge
Today.
And don’t stop doing these things no matter how committed or how long-term the relationship is.
________________________
Share this post:
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
interesting.
maybe you SHOULD post my stuff if its of interest. this blog makes sense
happy christmas.
This is a load of “post-modern” monkey muffins. And, I’m sad to say, all too typical of the shallow, modern game-playing female.
The best relationships I have ever seen are those that have been created and maintained by older generations.
Relationships in which the women did not play the childish games proffered by this post’s author.
Relationships which are much closer bonding-wise than anything you see today.
The truth is, we are all different — or, at least we should be but our supposedly “individual”-based society does a remarkable job of creating happy-to-conform citizen-widgets — and being yourself is the best and ultimately only way to find friends and lovers.
And of course it’s about playing games. At least be honest about it…but that would mean not playing a game. So, in that sense, you’re being entirely consistent with your beliefs.
StopFlyingNow: Relationships of older generations? Women didn’t play games in those? Give me a break. Martha Beck says something similar to what Susan is saying here that you seem to have missed (and it’s the whole point, by the way): Instead of pretending to have a life a life of your own, here’s a novel idea: HAVE A LIFE OF YOUR OWN. In other words, don’t play games.
If having your own life and your own interests in order to be a whole and happy person which also makes you an attractive, non-clinging woman is a game, then so be it.
I stand by the post because it worked for me. After I got my own life and became a healthy individual, I was not only more interesting to healthy men, but I was a more centered and supportive partner of HIS stuff and if things with him didn’t work out, it wasn’t the end of the world. I USED to be the clingy, whiny, talk-to-me-at-3 am female and that didn’t work.
In order to facilitate closeness, it HAS to be that both parties know they will not suffocate in that closeness. I also had HUGE abandonment issues and leaving first keeps me from being abandoned and a lot of women I know feel the same way when “he” decides it’s time to go to sleep, to go home, to end the evening or weekend or to take a few days apart. When YOU (as the woman) decides it’s time to go home (even if you don’t want to), you don’t feel abandoned, you empower yourself and you gain a lot of on the attractiveness meter. It works for everyone and you’ve missed that point.
If that’s garbage or game-playing, so be it. I stand by the post and I do understand that a lot of unenlightened people don’t get it. It’s not up to me to help them get it.
I would, however, ask…what exactly do you suggest? When you say older generation do you mean June Cleaver? or even further back than that? When women were chattel?
What do you suggest instead of this?
I am determined to practice this in my own life because all the couples I know that are like this have HAPPY relationships.
I don’t understand the poster who says this is a post-modern woman playing a game. As was asked, what do YOU suggest instead? Obviously “I gotta be me!” isn’t working for a large number of people.
I was coming out of a 10 year relationship and clung to this new person in my life. At the beginning, I was everything to her, and she was everything to me. She was going through a rough time, and I was going through a big life change. We spent a lot of time together. I got used to being with her so much. But as time went by, she pulled away, needing “space”, until she took a “break” and that was the end of that. So when I read this post, I saw myself, and it hurt. because I was the “always available no-life person”, and she was sufficated. As far as what you describe here, I was the woman and she was the man.
I have to remind myself that at the beginning, she pulled me very hard to her and enjoyed spending so much time with me, and that she probably pulled away when the honeymoon buzz wore off. She tends to do that and has told me so. Perharps she never really loved me.
Regardless, I need to work on me. But knowing that also makes me realise that I probably killed what could have been great, that it’s all my fault for being such a loser. That’s what hurts the most.
Thanks for writing Ben. I have seen this happen with men but usually what happens is that when you don’t you give yourself enough time to grieve and get over a breakup and develop your own life, you can be clingy. I don’t think it’s a matter of fault and it doesn’t make you a loser, but you should probably just work on you for now and AFFIRM yourself as a good person and don’t use words like “loser”. BE GOOD TO BEN!!!!
Peace,
Susan
You know I read all about this. The comments/replys about not playing games. You know at 41 I still cannot play games. I understand you can’t always be available, don’t always answer every call and have a life. I have done that and that has back fired on me in that I was told by someone I dated that I didn’t call him enough or didn’t not appear interested in him enough which was not true..then when I tried to take in what he was saying and give more….the rug was pulled out from under me. I am kinda old fashion. I like the guy to do most (if not all of the calling) at first. Very soon thereafter, as I get more comfortable with the person, I will pick up the phone and call. Dating is such a catch 20/20. Maybe it is clicking with the right person. I guess I don’t know and maybe never will as to let know when I don’t have to be so evasive or when I should be more attentive… either way I seem to lose. This last time I dated someone for several months it was that I didn’t call or chase but did show interest. You know all I want to be is myself…but let’s be honest….can you really be yourself at first with anyone…I guess you can with some people and with others you can’t. I just wanted to make the comment that I have read and understand all the blogs about this but can anyone win at this game?
Well as I said, I don’t think it’s a game. I think that understanding that healthy people like healthy people who have their own life is a key to healthy relationships. The thing that I didn’t get for a very long time is that I would be eager and available and then sometimes whiny (okay often whiny) when I felt abandoned.
I think that someone who says you’re not paying enough attention to them when you’re living your own life may be insecure and/or controlling. Having your own life is a way to weed that out.
When I met my husband I WAS myself and it worked. He was a good guy and a healthy guy who was attracted to my independence but when I initially went off on my own vacation, he freaked out. Once he calmed down, he’s still attracted to that.
I think that saying, “you can’t win” is a victim stance and I don’t believe that’s so. I believe that the way to “win” is to be yourself, have healthy friendships, your own interests and don’t throw it all away when a guy comes along (whether it’s Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now). Pay attention to him but not so much that you lose yourself.
That is how you “win.”
[...] Unavailable v. Playing a Game 2 I had a feeling that this post would generate a lot of reaction both on the blog and in email. And it [...]
I understand that I should not have jumped from one relationship to the next, especially after 10 years, but the opportunity was there and I had to take it. This new person seemed wonderful to me and I couldn’t just sit and let her pass me by. What is so incredibly frustrating is to realise that under different circustances, this could have worked out, and that there is no going back. Arrrrrrrrgh!
Hi Ben, maybe and maybe not. If she said that she always pulled away when the honeymoon phase was over, she may have been a commitmentphobe. It’s hard to say that it would have worked out. Maybe it would not have worked at all. Just work on you and be good to you.
Of course you’re right, Susan. It would have been a lot worse had this relationship lasted longer only to end anyway. I’ve put this woman on a pedestal. Or maybe I just knock myself down to the point I believe most people are better than me. I just have to stop caring about what she thinks of me, and start thinking good things of myself. This blog has made me realise that I do have some serious abandonment issues.
I do work on myself and I try to be good to me. I’ve taken up a martial art, I go to meditation classes, I get regular massages, I keep fit, I took a trip South for the first time in my life, and I already have a great motorcycle trip booked for June. And I might be going to Europe in September. I am slowly learning to accept that life is giving me an opportunity to do some growing which I have to admit I’d been wishing for. You know the saying: Careful what you wish for!
Maybe it’s part midlife crisis for me, too. I was completely depressed for months. I believe it was a situational depression and that I’m coming out of it. In between moments of despair and deep frustration, I now have episodes of calm, hope and resolve. I now can taste joy, once in a while, which I hadn’t for a long time.
I have a great friend (my sponsor, of sorts) who reminded me that knowledge cannot solve everything, and that comprehension is not always possible or necessary, and that I needed to rediscover my spiritual side. After 6 years of abstinence, I finally decided that properly working the 12 steps is probably a good idea for me! It’s obvious I have some issues to work out. I should have done that 6 years ago, but better late than never.
Anyway, this posting may be a little out of context, but it’s good to let it out!
Thanks, Susan.
Ben, your plans sound ABSOLUTELY wonderful and so soul-affirming and life-affirming! When I was doing all my things I wasn’t sure if it was “doing” anything for me, but it surely was. Everything we do for ourselves to make ourselves a better, more-rounded person, works in our favor. You will gain SO MUCH from these things. The trips sound incredible and having a sponsor/mentor is always good. Keep doing these things!!!
I just found your blog and stumbled upon this post. I find the idea of the 0-100 bonding spectrum really helpful. Is there research on this? I tend be at the very high end of the spectrum and certainly have abandonment issues. Last year I started dating a man on the opposite end of the spectrum, one with intimacy issues. It didn’t take long for him to decide he only wanted a friendship. Of course, I think he sends me mixed messages. Our “friendship” now has a push-pull dynamic that I’d like to even out. Although I’m still not sure how to do that, the idea of this spectrum helps. I’d like a little more guidance though on what, say, %50 looks like. I have a feeling that my friend operates at about %20 most of the time (doesn’t call for weeks) — and then, whoosh, I feel like we’re at %80-90 when we do see each other (lots of eye contact, long embraces, great conversation and a real feeling of connection). Any thoughts?
Susan,
I think I have to rate this post as surely one of your top 10. You have managed to perfectly express the lesson that life has been smacking me in the face with time and time again. I have been that sad, clingy person through three serious relationships and to a slightly lesser extent, many more casual ones. I am learning now that both my choice of partners (if water finds its own level, I’m surely in the middle of a drought!)and my lack of interests and “me” time are reflections of my abandonment issues, which spur me to completely lose myself in the other person. While my last ex certainly said a lot that I don’t believe was true, he did say one thing to me during our breakup that clued me in (duh! after I ignored the lessons from the last two relationships…) – he said “You made me your whole world.” I was furious at first and gave him every reason I could think of why that wasn’t the truth, but here I am six months later and able to accept that that particular statement he made was correct. My life had become wholly about “working on the relationship” and planning “our” future together. And I’m realizing now also that despite what I was hoping for, even in the middle of the best times of the relationship, I wasn’t truly happy. And I was so confused about why, when I thought I had exactly what I’d been looking for (a man who would love me and share my life with me), was I still so miserable and depressed so much of the time? The truth is, the “happy” times in the relationship made for very good distractions from my deeper issues. I was able to escape myself through this other person, and then confused “escape” with “happy.” Of course, the “happy” times being when we were at 80 or 90 percent on the attachment scale. So I decided I wanted to be at that level all the time, and when that wasn’t enough, I bumped it up to 100 percent. He acquiesced for quite a long time, trying to comfort me when he knew he had to work late, or wouldn’t be home when he said he would. He worked nights for 4 months at a time and most nights I would sit home watching tv and feeling sad that I couldn’t be with him. If I asked him to take a day off, or leave work early and he couldn’t do it, I felt abandoned. As I’m typing this, I’m realizing how ridiculous it got by the end. Suffice to say, he eventually grew fed up with being responsible for my happiness, realized he would never be able to “make” me happy, and went to a big fat 0 percent on the scale. I miss him and sometimes I think I want him back, but I realize I have a whole lot of work to do. I am not ready for a relationship – I know that now. And I’ve decided I won’t be ready for one again until the “need” to be in one goes away. At that point, I hope I will have learned much better how to balance the attachment issue. Thanks for letting me ramble on about this – this post just struck such a chord in me, I couldn’t help it!
Lucy
Thank you for “rambling” Lucy. I identified with so much of it. My biggest issue has been abandonment and in each relationship before I “got” it, I would become increasingly insecure and it would be harder for my partner to satisfy my abandonment issues (in other words, make me feel secure).
It took ME never abandoning ME to truly feel secure. And the irony is that once I felt secure in myself I met a man who has never made me feel abandoned in 11 years. It’s a lot me (I have my own life and have been there for me) but I also became capable of picking strong, healthy men who will be there for me.
It’s bizarre that is the paradox, but it is.
I wish this all for you Lucy. Thank you for checking in. I’m glad you’re here!!!!!
Be good to Lucy…ALWAYS!
Hi Susan
I initially came across your site when I was looking for advice on how to get over my break up with my once again current partner. My issue was that I always expected so much more from him and would accuse him of being selfish for not looking after me and putting me before himself! Yes how ridiculous does that sound!! Oh my god!I am ashamed that I even carried on that way and I have carried on that way in many relationships in the past that have all failed ‘needy me me me’!
During our recent breakup which I imposed, I started to think about how much I had made him my world and how depressed I felt having nothing left without him in my life. It then started to dawn on me that I expected too much from everyone and everything to fill that void within me. My friends said that i put him on a pedestal and rely on others to make me feel better.
It was then it started to realise exactly what you are saying here on your post. I took some time out for myself, two weeks. I reinstated my social circle and hobbies (still building most of it). Then I started to analyze my relationship with him and my expectations of intimacy. We had a talk and I explained my behaviour to him and that I was ashamed of myself. I also told him that I wanted to make more progress at developing my own sense of self.
When he heard all these things he suddenly dropped to his knees and asked me to take him back and try to work things out. We decided that we already had issues where he would become defensive when I said something insecure and we made that one of the base starting points. Now when I do anything insecure he points it out and I also tell him when he is being unnecessarily defensive. We now are able to pull away and spend time away for days without me feeling quite so abandoned. We text every day and email but i try to keep it to a minimum and allow him to instigate it. Lately he has started talking long term future commitment and staring at me all soppy eyed!
Its finally working, I get my life back for me, I have my friends hobbies etc and as much as I will try to play it down, I have the most wonderful man in my life whom I do want to spend the rest of my life with! Its just a matter of time and self development.
He even wants to share some of my hobbies with me part time. I will not share his just yet. Thats too much just now.
Learning to enjoy your own time, avoiding using your partner to fill those gaps is the best thing you can do for your relationship. I never realised how important it was until just lately.
Wow that was a long post, sorry you jst inspired me to write.
Chris x
Be good and true to yourself.
this post is very interesting and insightful in explaining the dynamics of a relationship. i have always had hard time giving space to the person i love. more so, i have always made everything possible to BE available at all times for him, so that to destroy all boundaries and eliminate all doubt he might ever have about me not wanting to be with him. this is a terrible thing about me and i need to work hard on it to change and improve myself. thank you for this post, it works both ways for me – giving more space to the other person and demanding more space for myself.
i just remembered an interesting story from my past that i wanted to share. 6 years ago i spent a year with someone whom i was really really into. he dumped me all of a sudden to go with another girl (her and i were taking classes together at the same university and they met when he was coming to pick me up) who was calling him. he said that i am too dependent and i am too much for him, not because i call too much but because i dont call yet expect him to call all the time and be with me all the time and i am pissed off when he is not doing all that. anyways, he said that she is a real woman because she was initiating everything, totally independent and not sitting back waiting and frustrated and she knew exactly what she was doing.
three months later he was calling me to have dinner together and i had not been able to move on yet. i was sincerely shocked by his call and so scared beacause i was not feeling good about myself and was comparing myself in my mind with this girl all the time and she was winning every time.
we went out for the dinner and i was asking how he was doing and how the relationship was going and if he was happy. he said that after the first dates it was not very good anymore and his new girlfriend was a very dependent and protected girl who was calling him too much, very protected and naive and was also a virgin when they started going out so now he had to meet her relatives and get engaged because this is how it is in her culture.
i am still laughing when i think of this. i did no contact after this dinner and i have long ago moved out of that place, so don’t know what is happening with them
this was very insightful and helpful. you’re a genius!
Just for inspiration
Visit this; “I want you to know”
http://www.ullalemberg.com/
I’m seeing a much wider spectrum of relationships… my views used to be much different and I used to ‘think’ I knew a lot, I might have known things as how to make things good while I was spending time with a guy, or what to cook or wear or say… but this is the one thing I didn’t know… My mom has always given me trouble so when she tried hinting at this I didn’t listen… however I started to see it….
I have been lonely for years and not had many friends except aquiantance friends at a few activities… had always wanted a man so badly…. I have an extremely modelish handsome man who is very nice, of course no one is perfect but he is wonderful.
However I started to get obsessed and cried all the time because my life is very hard and sad and I have a lot of problems in it… and he always makes me happy. I realize that by being my busiest I can help rid my mind (but not get away) from these problems and as soon as I move away from and leave this life behind I can fully start to have my own life.
also, I am beginning to hold my own more and try not to tire him out he’s only human and he can’t be there for me 4-6 times a week. He also works again now… I see him about twice a week it differs… and though my life is still very sad frustrating and hard.. I help myself through it… he helps guide me as well….
and I’m gonna make it. =)
I know a lot more about relationships and I’m gonna keep learning… I hope in a few years once I’ve learned even more to write an e-book with my experiences.
Have a good day guys.
My concern is that I will get too used to being alone and rather than trying to spend too much time with a new partner, I will go to the other extreme and not spend enough. Because I quite like having time alone, but am acutely aware that too much time alone is not good for me and that I actually crave connection, even though it sometimes makes me feel anxious. How do you find the right balance then?
Heather – i think thats an answer i’d like to know too.
When i was single last year i loved it. I loved dating and travelling and doing what i wanted when. When i met my ex i certainly was not looking for a relationship and the first few months were hard work on my part, letting someone in etc. When i finally got there and got used to being part of a couple he left me. The hurt is immense.
Being single never bothered me before but now i feel at a total loss with what to do with myself etc. I read, charity work, journal, work, listen to music etc, have lots of alone time etc. But it all feels empty. Im def not at peace with myself completely like i was, sometimes i think i never will be. But when i am, i worry that it will be even harder for me to let someone in than it was before.
I guess we will know when we have it right when we are having moments of intimacy and alone time in our lives – i guess it might feel like balance? Im not sure.