Don’t be afraid your life will end; be afraid it will never begin. ~ Grace Hansen
Someone asked me in an email to share what I did to build a life of my own (because I kept saying this is what you need to do in order to be the right person). Not that I recommend anyone do the same as I’ve done but here is my list of what I did to be a full and complete person ON MY OWN separate and apart from everyone else. You can take my list and fill it with your own “stuff”. :) Happy Building!!!
1. Affirmations and positive-self talk. Very important to build your confidence to try new things.
2. Journal keeping
3. Support groups: all kinds. Meeting different people in different places (as well as workshops, retreats and conferences). I did not rely on one group of friends for all my support but it was important to me to meet others who were trying to change their life and work through issues in their pasts. Most people I know could benefit from Codependent Anonymous meetings but other 12 step programs might help if you have addictions or alcoholism in your family or former partners. Your community and/or church might have support groups as well. I read a lot of different authors and then would find out where they were speaking (a lot harder before the world wide web) and go.
4. Social groups. Hobby groups. Reading groups. Sports groups. I joined a basketball league for a couple of years (all 5′2 of me) and that was FUN (they were not intensely competitive maniacs..you have to find your type of group). Go to meetup.com — they have a lot of great groups. I belong to a Yankees meetup, a book group and a couple of self-improvement groups. Several blog readers have gotten a lot out of their local meetups.
5. Classes. I took academic classes as well as fun classes. In the early 90s there was a guy named Bob Ross who did a method of painting called wet on wet and I loved it. I found a craft store that offered classes on the Ross method. I can’t draw a straight line (SERIOUSLY). But with the help of a good teacher and fun classmates, I DID A Ross painting!!! Click on the thumb nail to see the full image.
That’s a photo of my painting which doesn’t do it justice, but you get the idea. Do something that seems like a stretch but a FUN stretch! I never painted another thing but I LOVED this experience!
I also learned to crochet and while I was never really good, I did it and it was fun to do when the boys were little. I learned to ski, to garden and I did ceramics for a while. In each case I met people I would not have otherwise met and did things that were fun. I also learned to laugh at myself when things didn’t go well. :)
6. I learned Italian and traveled to Italy (once by myself!!) I not only saved up but took a flight that made 3 stops (including a 7 hour layover in London)…and hit the bargain bin at the local travel agents and made it happen. With a little bit of creativity there are travel deals to be found.
7. I took a photography class at a university (UMass Amherst) and went to Sicily on a photojournalism tour. The student rate was very cheap. Because I was registered at the university, I qualified. There are a lot of creative ways to do things if you don’t really have the money.
That’s one of my photos from a winery near Mt. Etna (we had been on Mt. Etna that morning). I had a great time. I was in a group of young students who wanted to be professional photographers but I had a tremendous time.
8. Take other trips…all kinds of trips. I’ve traveled by train all around the country. There is nothing like going across the country or up and down the coast like a train trip. Reserve a sleeping car, turn OFF the cell phone and watch the world go by. Meet new people in the dining car. FABULOUS! Again, save for these things…set them as goals. As a single mom I didn’t have a great deal of money but I squirreled away for what I wanted.
9. I renewed my motorcycle license. I had ridden when I was a teenager but when I tried to get on a bike later on, I fell A LOT because the bike was NOT right for me and that is why. I took a course and renewed my license and bought a Harley (HD fitted the bike to me, changing the seat and lowering the bike and changing the handle bars) after I married my husband. First a used one, then a new one…and ridden all over the country….a feeling of power (for sure!)
10. Have a “me” night once a week. I used to TURN OFF THE PHONE and allow ABSOLUTELY NO INTERRUPTIONS and take a long bubble bath…deep condition my hair, mani/pedi and then off to bed with a trashy novel. After a while, I bought expensive bubble baths, expensive conditioners, down comforters and nice sheets and PJs that said, “I’M WORTH IT.” You have to design and craft your own sanctuary. You have to make your home, especially your bedroom, your OWN in a way that says: “I ROCK.”
11. Join a gym. I joined 2 gyms and bought a 10 speed bike. I biked 20 miles every Sunday. Watching your body change and becoming stronger gives you amazing confidence and it really really boosts the self-esteem.
12. Go places and do things! I am a Broadway-holic and a Yankee season ticket holder. I brought the boys to basketball games and baseball games when they were growing up. We went skiing as a family. We went rollerskating and four wheeling. We GOT OUT and did things….not like maniacs, but we were out there living life.
13. In contrast to number 12: Sit still and do nothing. Learn to make peace with the peace. Learn to be quiet and sit still…learn to be bored…learn that sitting there and doing nothing is okay too. You don’t have to be entertained or entralled every minute. Learn to just BE.
Turn off the computer. Turn off the cell phone. Turn off the Ipod. Spend some time each and every day UNPLUGGED from everything. If you have trouble being away from all forms of communication, that is even MORE reason to force yourself to do it. You need quiet time to figure out what you want. Life is about living…it’s not about waiting for a call or a text or an email or someone to touch base with you. Develop quiet, unplugged time every day.
GET OUTSIDE AND LIVE A LITTLE!!! or STAY IN AND JUST LEARN TO BE (again with everything turned off) GET OUT and go for a walk with no cell phone with you (ipod is okay) or get out and just try to listen to the world. If you live where there is public transportation try to BE on the train or the bus and just experience it. Don’t let life pass you by because your head is never where your feet are.
Healing is about BALANCE. Building your own life is about being good to you and learning to be alone with you AND getting out and doing new things, meeting new people, going new places. DO IT IN BALANCE. Or do it at the same time: taking a train trip alone and just watching the world go by is an example of getting out and doing stuff AND learning to be alone and okay with that.
Think of things you can do to build your own list and then: DO IT!!
It was not always easy for me to do any of these things. Each one was SCARY! But I learned to do it and it got easier.
Not everything was successful…but I tried so many things and GAVE MYSELF CREDIT for trying (and not quitting too soon…those 6 months of keyboard lessons were BRUTAL).
AGAIN: BALANCE BALANCE BALANCE!!!
This is NOT just busy work. This is learning to build a life and to care, REALLY CARE, about what you’d like to do–what you’re all about. It’s about giving yourself enough validation to figure out what you want to do and DOING IT. It’s about learning to be alone while learning to be out in the world as a single person. It’s about CRAFTING a life that is rich and full of meaning even if some of your interests and hobbies seem a bit goofy (wet on wet painting?…goofy). :)
And you will value you and your life and it will be a nice place to be. You’ll be surprised at how much fun it is to think: wow, I wanted to do that and I did it!
When I was a kid my family used to ask me who did I think I was when I talked about taking classes or learning new things or meeting new people or going places. When I was married my husband criticized me constantly for having “big dreams.” Well, I made most of them come true but the ones that tickled me to DEATH were the smaller ones, the ones I’ve listed here. The ones that gave me reason to smile and plan on a daily or weekly basis.
I also did not give up these things when I met my husband. I still travel alone sometimes…I still go out by myself…I still take ME time. IT’S IMPORTANT!!! And it was important for me to meet someone who takes his own time and encourages that in me. So many friends I had built their own life and then tossed it away (including friends, including me) when someone came along to offer them romance. Not good and not smart.
Your life is now!!!
Go live it. Build it! Today!
Wonderful! I was wondering what specific things a person should be doing to become the “right” person before we can attract the right person (as I read in your platitudes article) and this article helped me to understand. Being single again (and not by choice) has been very hard for me and I have been feeling a lot of anger about it lately…especially this time of year. Even my friends and family have been feeling the effects of my anger and upset because I haven’t been “myself”. I feel badly about that. I guess hurting people hurt other people as they say.
Reading this article, I see how you did a lot of work on yourself and came to embrace being single after your divorce. I admire the fact that though you initially went through a terrible time after your breakup, you ultimately did the things you described in this article rather than fall completely apart as I nearly did after my breakup. You found out who you were and what things you wanted in life and you went for it. You pushed past your fears. You treated yourself well whereas I did not for a long time after my ex broke up with me. I spent so much time hating myself and blaming myself for the breakup and when I wasn’t doing that I spent time feeling guilty for not being his friend (and thinking I was ruining any possible chance of him coming back if he changed his mind about dumping me for the other girl) afterwards that I became self destructive. I did not take care of myself. I was NOT good to myself physically or emotionally for a long time after the breakup. I admire that you did and you have found happiness now. I feel like I am in the process of searching for and learning things I wish I had known a long time ago.
Thanks for another helpful article.
Lisa Anne
Thank you Lisa Anne. One of the other things that having done all this has done for me (a secondary gift if you will) is that I don’t really daydream or think of things I wish I had done because I’ve done them. Only my law enforcement fantasies remain unfulfilled because of the age thing it came and went because there was never an opportune time. I also want to take the Orient Express from London to Venice and will do that in a few years (hubby and I are planning it). But I don’t live in my head like I used to. I think about the exciting things to come (publishing the book, speaking more and teaching more because of it) but I don’t have a lot of “if onlys” rattling around in my head like I used to.
To me, taking care of myself was the THING that got me to wiggle out of the self-imposed mourning cocoon I was wrapped in….and because I was taking care of myself I had more strength to do the difficult emotional work and peeling of the onion I had to do. It works for so many things.
Take care of Lisa Anne…you deserve it!
Thanks again Susan. The Orient Express sounds amazing! I can’t tell you how screwed up my thinking was after this breakup and how I had no clue about self care. For example, while my ex and I were together I looked fabulous. I was very into clothes and ate very healthily and exercised most every day. After the breakup, I completely stopped working out and stopped caring about my clothes even. I ate any old junk that everyone else around me was eating. People told me, “you have to work out and eat right for yourself, not for some guy” and I didn’t believe them. I remember thinking “why bother dressing good and working out like I did before when he isn’t there to appreciate me and give me compliments anymore?” “Why bother looking good anymore?” Becoming flabby certainly didn’t make me feel any better though.
Maybe that kind of thinking was part of my depression but I truly had no clue that how I feel about MYSELF and MY self-esteem was the most important thing and that working out was for me and an act of self love. I am starting to learn things like that for the first time in my life. That not everything is for some guy to like me and to get his approval. I thought that way for years. I never did anything for myself. Like you said, I placed my self image in the hands of guys. I was so clueless. I have to BE the right person to attract the right person as you say. I am still struggling to put myself in this frame of mind, but I am learning.
Lisa Anne
[...] Violet: I wrote a post on my blog called Building a Life of One’s Own if you’re interested in some ideas! Building A Life Of One’s Own « Getting Past Your Past [...]
After last phase of grief..I am now working on rebuilding my life – discovering me. I must say it is a very interesting time. Anybody out there who visits this blog who seem to be spinnning going nowhere – it will get better as long as you do the work.
Here is to healing for a new beginning.
Faith
Oh wow, this is great!
I am following this, at the moment, like a prescription. After a long time of stasis, I am using this as my guide and am almost going through it step by step.
Have always written, and am working through my old losses, but now I’m doing the other get-back-into-life things. So far: found a hiking group near me and have joined, joined a craft group (I am decidedly uncrafty but suffer from craft-envy), am investigating going back and finishing an unfinished degree next semester, am already a semi-gym goer, but am doing some PT sessions, which my muscles don’t like, but so good!, had a beautiful soak in the bath (will make it a weekly thing), and have decided to become a mad football supporter for a year!
I joined the team I have always half-heartedly supported with the kids, bought them all the gear, banners and what-not and am taking them to all the matches I can (which is really not very us, but it’s been Great fun!) and I’m off shortly for a holiday in the sun with my beloved sister and my two most important people.
Am starting to say YES to life again. YAY!!
That all sounds wonderful! I know how much healing I found in things such as you described. Good for you!!!
This post is one of my all-time favourites (and I have a few here!). It has made a HUGE difference in my life to get cosy and feel safe and secure. I have a fabulous new chocolate coloured blanket, sooo soft, on the couch, and when I get back from doing new things, I really get comfy! I have nice PJs and pillows and keep healthy things in the kitchen, and make the place look inviting and warm. If I take all my attention to building my life and being a good friend/doing my job and activities well – there’s not much time for self-destructive behaviour and wasting time on morons! And when you feel grounded and secure and safe and at peace in your own space – you are much less likely to put yourself in vulnerable situations with unreliable types. Well I find anyway! The suggestions on this post I would describe as being CRUCIAL to a new life after an ex – without putting these things in you will naturally spiral back to the past. Humans are creatures of habit, and we like some things to stay the same in our lives, therefore if you ARE going out and doing new things, it’s even more important to keep some really stable things that form the base of it all.
I didn’t realise this quite as much a few years ago – racing around doing a million new things but also feeling stressed out and like it was all a bit beyond me. I got a lot done, but I always felt jittery and not safe at all. Now it’s a priority each day – I’m cosy and secure and safe. I can’t recommend these feelings enough :)
TangoLola