Many years ago there was a guy in one of my support groups who spoke in platitudes. Not only did he speak in platitudes but he almost gave exactly the same speech, the same way each and every week. And then he would say, with a red face, “REPETITION REPETITION REPETITION. THAT’S HOW YOU LEARN!”. There was a group of us who were in our mid-twenties to early thirties who were acting the fools and later we would go out and we would imitate this guy, red face and all. And we all thought we were pretty funny.
The thing is that when I moved away and was more on my own, without group support, this guy’s “stuff” and platitudes kept ringing in my ears. I would be in a certain situation and his words would pop out at me and HELP ME figure out what to do and which way to go. REPETITION REPETITION REPETITION.
Lately I’ve been speaking in platitudes in response to emails and comments. I’m not being curt or un-creative. A lot of these sayings and thoughts and platitudes helped me immensely.
So here are the first 5 entries in the Platitude Hall of Fame. Most of these sayings are not mine, though one or two are. I will post the platitudes now and again to keep you going with positive REPETITION.
LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT.
Say these OVER AND OVER AGAIN EACH AND EVERY DAY and your life will change–guaranteed!!!
1. You get what you put up with.
2. Hungry people make poor shoppers. Feed yourself love and attention (from inside you not from an outside source) and you will be a better shopper.
3. “The one” will never stop loving you; will never mistreat you; will never leave you, especially for another. “The one” simply doesn’t do that. If someone has done that, he or she is not “the one.”
4. In order to FIND the right person, you need to BE the right person.
5. Love is an action. It doesn’t matter what someone SAYS, it matters what they DO.
Bravo! Another old saw: Truer words were never spoken. So here’s another traveler on this road, my “beautiful” love of 8 years (8 years!!) turned to ashes in my mouth. Years and years ago, when I was bemoaning some bad action on the part of my beloved, I told a good (and not a word mincing ) friend how he’d treated me, saying “I don’t ask much of him…” Duh. Well, of course, you get what you “ask” for, or what you allow. And I felt “hungry” – how about unfulfilled all the time. And he stopped loving me (in the guise of withholding love from me) over and over – for insane and shallow reasons – and I kept trying to change to meet his standards. (Did he ever meet mine?) And I kept felling “less than” even though I was the one always there for him. The “action” thing? I got novellas of wonderful words from him. How we’d always do this, and that; how “wonderful” I was, (and I was, and am!); the blue sky planning of our lives was entertained at length, but nothing ever moved into a reality of actual movement into goals and plans. “Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies…” For an intelligent and talented woman, I find it incredible that I bought in for as long as I did, but love does funny things to us, and the good times buy a lot of slack, and let us continue to feed our own fantasies, or lie to our own selves.
As bitter as I sometimes feel – add angry, bereft, bewildered, grief-stricken – all this in the knowledge of what was and is – I am still going through all the stages listed in this site. I gave this man everything, in good faith and all of my heart, but finally couldn’t keep up the pretense of all that wasn’t there in return. And I can “if” myself into madness, starting with “if I’d only not allowed the bad treatment to happen all those years ago, and established that pattern.” He had a willing victim, due to my own damage from childhood trauma. It’s all so textbook!
But these are new days, even though they are still so hard. And I am still grieving. But it is one foot after the other, day after day, until I get my life back. I still don’t understand – I never will – and so it is. He lost the best thing in his life – and so what? Those platitudes go on and on, too, and there it is.
Thank you Susan, for the best advice and information to be aimed at those of us who need to hear it, without a sugar coating, down and dirty. We all deserve to be treated with respect and with LOVE, not a cheap imitation. Not with “less than” by those who profane love with their actions, or inactions. I take your platitudes to heart, hoping indeed, that I WILL get over this. Sometimes it feels impossible that it will happen, but I must BELIEVE, and keep on keepin on. Bless you for doing this work. It matters, and you are making a difference.
Wow. All of these and particularly number 3, rang so true for me. In fact it almost brought me to tears. I needed to hear that particular thing. I think I’ve recently realized that because of my past I’ve grown up having no clue what love even is or how someone who supposedly “loves” me is supposed to treat me. I know that I am capable of and have treated guys with love but I certainly never received it in return. I was beginning to think that the way I was treating the men I loved was just a rare naive thing on my part and expecting someone to “never stop loving you” or to never be unfaithful or disloyal was just a fantasy and an ideal from the movies. I certainly have never experienced that and I didn’t think it was possible. Lexi, I can relate to how you are feeling.
Lisa Anne
Excellent words of advice. Lexi, I too can relate to your pain. I am so, so glad I found this site!
Love it! :-)
This is just perfect.
This article helped me once again. I found myself feeling nostalgic for my ex because of the holidays thinking that an innocent “Happy Holidays” email couldn’t cause any harm and then I read number three on the list and I tell myself that since he left me for another girl, he wasn’t “the one” and I shouldn’t bother myself with worrying about him anymore. I like the part about being the right person to attract the right person. Susan could you elaborate a bit more sometime on what exactly it entails to “be the right person”? How does a person go about becoming the “right” person? How do you know when you have become the “right” person?
Thanks,
Lisa Anne
Wow!! Thank you so much!!! Your words mean more than I can say!! You seem to collect quotes that mean something to you!! I always carry a notepad in my purse in case I see something that inspires me! Sorry for all the exclaimation points! I just feel I’ve found someone whith whom I have something in common with!
[...] In agreeing to talk to her, even though I really made the decision to let her go on Sunday, I sat down and carefully looked at my boundaries. I thought out my standards and I had a long cross country discussion with the therapist (she’s currently in California on vacation- I think she needs to take another one after helping me). I reread some posts from Getting Past Your Past. I decided to focus on this list from Susan’s article on five platitudes which I hope she won’t mind if I repea…: [...]