8/12 TFTD ~ More On Real Love

There is a Hollywood hype to what real love / true love feels like. It’s hyped as fireworks and big drama.

But it’s not.

Real love/healthy love is very quiet. In the beginning it just feels right…you know it without being knocked over
by it.

For many years I beat the healthy drum and espoused the “build your own life” and live your
own life and know who you are. Then, as my friends will tell you, all of a sudden I met a guy and got engaged two weeks later and married less than 6 months later. People who knew me and women who followed my advice (both my friends and women who were in my groups) were convinced I had lost my mind. They asked, Weren’t we in the heady honeymoon period? How could we possibly know? I was the queen of take your time, figure it out, observe and figure out if you like them and not if they like you (as many of you regular readers know I STILL say that all the time.

But I had gone on lots of dates and had gotten to a place where I did know what I wanted and what I didn’t want. If I HADN’T taken it slow with others, if I hadn’t pushed back against living with someone else (who, incidentally, I had known over two years), if I hadn’t taken it SLOW and OBSERVED with my dates and relationships, I am pretty sure I would not have been AVAILABLE when Mr. Right came along.

Even though I had become known as being level-headed and my friends admired me for refusing to move in with Mr. Two Years, they STILL said, TWO WEEKS? Are you crazy? And me with all my abandonment issues and insecurity…what would happen when he “lost interest“? Would I go completely crazy and be saddled with another jerk? One of my biggest reasons for not moving in with Mr. Two Years was because I had a feeling that 1) the relationship was NOT going well and moving in was NOT the answer and 2) I would never get rid of him if we co-mingled our stuff. EGAD. Most people thought it was a well thought-out and wise decision not to move in with Mr. Two Years and now here I was getting engaged to Mr. Two Weeks. Was I CRAZY???? How could you KNOW this is the ONE?

Well we’re going to celebrate our 11th anniversary in November so I think we know. Actually I know that we know. And I’ve never had a moment of insecurity.

I don’t talk about my marriage to brag or to say I’m better than everyone else or hey, look at us. I talk about my marriage so people know it’s possible…to recover from bad, VERY bad, relationships. To recover from low self-esteem and raging codependency and relationship horror. I was in very abusive relationships for a long time. Then I was in pretty bad relationships and then okay but not great and then good but not great…so I’ve been there…I’ve run the gamut….and I got to a place where I decided to be alone and live my life rather than put up with anything.

I talk about my relationship so that others know it is possible and know what it looks like. It’s something I wish for everyone.

When I met my husband, I knew who I was and what I wanted and he knew who he was and what he wanted.

We did not need another person to complete us. We were, thank you very much, complete on our own. Living nice lives and having a decent time without a partner.

Neither of us wanted all the crazymaking games we had both experienced with others. We both were raising our kids as single parents, trying to build a healthy life for said kids despite interference from nutty ex’s, and just trying to live our own lives.

We each had distanced ourselves from families of origin who were nutty in their own right but had tried to paint each of us as the black sheep.

When we met it was a matter of, “I know you.” because it was a mirror image: you are like me.. (but not totally)…

And I know YOU and I know you’ll be good for me because I KNOW ME and I know what I want and what I need and I recognize it when I see it.

When we met we were both very upfront about who we were, what we wanted, where we were going and the fact that our kids and their physical, mental and emotional well-beings were our first priority with our own health and sanity the second priority. Love and a relationship came a VERY distant third. We both had been dating without success but neither of us really cared that much about the lack of success. We would rather be alone than try to force something. We didn’t need each other, we wanted each other.

We both were working hard, going to work, tending to our homes and our kids…and we were both okay with that. When we met we each wanted to ONLY be with someone who would be a helper….not another child or another problem or crisis.

We became partners. True partners. Helping each other with kids and homes and life.

We both approach life the same way and value the same things. But we are very different people who like very different things. He likes fishing and Nascar, I like books and theater. He would be most comfortable in a boat on a deserted lake in Tennessee, I
am most comfortable in Manhattan. He’s a Red Sox fan, I’m a Yankee fan. He’s a dog person, I’m a cat person (but I took care of his dog and he took care of my cats). I’m a people person and he tends to be a loner.

For all intents and purposes, we are opposite, opposite, opposite.

But we don’t sweat the small stuff and we are fiercely loyal to each other and our family. We both have the same morals and standards. Neither of us can be bothered having a round and round and round argument that lasts and lasts. We say it, we get it out there, we discuss it, we work out a solution and we move on. We have each other’s love and respect. Deep mutual respect for how much of a stand-up person the other person is. And we let each other have the space to be who we are.

When I first met him and he fell in love with me, I asked him what he loved about me and he said, “You are who you say you are.” If I asked him today what he loves about me, he would give me the same answer.
It’s what matters to him…that I am who I say I am…and it still
matters to him. It’s a pretty good thing to value and he gets it every day (and some days he might not be crazy about it).

It was a quiet thing when I met him and knew he was the one. I just knew.

I knew because I had done my work and there was no noise clogging my ears. There was no unfinished business skewing my view. I wasn’t thinking it was one thing when it really was another. I was clear-headed and logical and didn’t lose my mind because I developed feelings for someone very quickly.

It was fun and exciting on one level but on another level it was just so quiet and so peaceful. I had NO nervousness, no anxiety…no insecurity and I am the QUEEN of abandonment issues (both real and perceived). I’ve never felt abandoned by him in 11 years. But I did work very hard on my abandonment issues for 9 years before I met him…the combination helped a great deal.

And yet, being with this person has helped my wildest dreams come true. Many people have all the fun times and fantasy times up front in the beginning and then spend the rest of the relationship wondering what the hell happened. They long for and are in love with the beginning which never comes again. For us, we didn’t build a fantasy out of the gate…we built our fantasies over time…

….for my first birthday with him, he asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I didn’t really answer him and he asked me to please think about it and let him know if there was something I always wanted. So I thought about it and I said I wanted to spend a night at the Plaza Hotel. It was something I had always wanted to do. He didn’t book a night at the room in the Plaza…he booked a 4 day weekend in a suite overlooking Central Park. We had the most glorious time. And even though he’s not a city person, he appreciates that I love it and he accompanies me to the city when he can.

We went back and got married at the Plaza…again spent 4 days in a suite. We went to Italy on our honeymoon and had a wonderful time. In our first year we bought new motorcycles and the first summer spent a glorious summer break tooling around Vermont staying at a romantic bed and breakfast and taking pictures of covered bridges and old cemetaries (we both love motorcycles, old things and photography).

We’ve biked all over the east coast and all over the west coast. Some of my best memories are us on motorcycles tooling around together.

BUT we didn’t START out having these fantasy weekends and then wondering when the honeymoon ended. We started out doing the nitty gritty, what Steven Levine calls “the terrible dailyness” and helping each other help the kids with life. THEN we took time out for ourselves and had a marvelous time.

Our fantasy days and nights came AFTER we settled into “wow you’re the one” and were a result of our easy kinship and partnership. A beautiful weekend is going to BE a beautiful weekend, it’s not going to be fraught with tension and unfinished business AND it wasn’t covering up problems either….and that is the stuff fantasies and fireworks are made of…and when we go back to our “normal” life, we’re not much different than we were on a fantasy weekend…we are who we are…and I have beautiful memories of us being us at home and in many different locales doing some great stuff…who we are as a couple doesn’t become different depending on where we are or who we are with…we are who we are and have been since day one.

I was head over heels in love but it wasn’t an out-of-body experience. It just felt good and right and comfortable. From day one. And it’s still good and right and comfortable. I don’t need good drama or bad drama. I don’t need drama at all.

I am a separate being and have never, from the beginning, spent time fantasizing about him or casting him in a light he doesn’t really deserve or earn…he is who he says he is and I have great memories of incredible trips but also great memories of him being by my side during difficult times and tough times…I think of him all the time but I’m a functioning and healthy person separate and apart from him and our relationship.

That’s how it works. It’s true love.

But it starts with you….always with you….finding true love starts with loving yourself….finding the right person starts with being the right person….so start today….