8/7 TFTD ~ On Losing Oneself to A Relationship

I was changing my value system and what I believed in order to be with somebody, and none of that can make a relationship that’s not working really work. ~ Marc Jacobs, quoted in New York magazine 8/13/07 issue

When we give up who we are and what we want in order to be with or please someone else, our future success and our relationship are both in trouble. While compromise is essential to any successful relationship, compromising who we are in order to love will completely block our success in life and love.

In order to find the right person, you need to be the right person. And the right person knows who they are, knows what they want and is unwilling to give that up in order to be with someone else. Knowing the difference between giving up yourself and compromising is also a matter of maturity and finesse. If you know yourself, if you’ve done the work to find out who you are and what you want and what is acceptable and unacceptable, when confronted with a decision in a relationship, you are more inclined and more able to really think about it and come to the right decision for both you and a relationship.

When you truly know yourself you are unable and unwilling to completely lose yourself and your values, morals, and the things that happen to make you who you are, for someone else.

Another important aspect of knowing yourself BEFORE getting into a relationship and trying to figure it out from there is that you won’t be with the WRONG person when the right one comes along. Many times we just settle for who wants us, for who is in front of us, and trying to turn ourselves and our world inside out to make it work. All that needless time, money and energy is wasted on trying to make something work that isn’t working and trying to fit yourself into a mold you don’t really fit into.

The relationship you’re in or trying to fit yourself in doesn’t necessarily have to be BAD, in fact it could be a DREAM, but it’s not YOUR dream. Take the Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston-Angelina Jolie situation. There was Brad and Jen, a beautiful couple, cohabitating in Malibu (or the Hollywood hills or wherever they lived) living the good life.

I saw a segment on them when they were together. Brad had just guest-starred on Friends and his Christmas gift for Jen was private cooking lessons for the two of them in their home. Most men would kill for what Brad had in Jen. A beautiful and talented wife living life as his partner in an idyllic setting.

But along came Angelina. She’s got a kid, wants a brood of them, and is jetting all over the world to bring attention to war torn, distressed nations and the plight of the people who live there. A lot of men would have been drawn to Angelina for her beauty and her altruistic nature but wouldn’t want to be running around with all those kids in war torn countries. A lot of men would have preferred the sweet life in California. But not Brad. Whatever it was that drew him to Angelina and away from Jen was what he was, obviously, looking for and didn’t know it or maybe he did. Maybe he knew there was something else he wanted but decided that marrying Jennifer Aniston was not something he could go wrong with.

Somewhat of a hokey example, I know, but the point is that something doesn’t have to be completely bad and horrible for it not to be for you. No one is going to define living with Jennifer Aniston in Malibu as a horrible thing. But if it’s not the RIGHT thing, it’s not the RIGHT THING.

If you ARE in a relationship where you are turning yourself inside out to make it work and it’s still not working, that’s even worse. You could be devoting all this time and energy to something that is just never ever ever going to work. NEVER.

You might be compromising who you are and what you want for a BAD relationship. NEVER A GOOD IDEA. You could completely miss Mr. or Ms. Right because you are home trying to turn yourself inside out to be the person Mr. or Ms. Wrong wants you to be in order to make a relationship with Mr. or Ms. Wrong work. WRONG.

Stop it.

Stop pushing glue a hill.

Life is TOO SHORT. For all we know, we go around ONCE and ONCE ONLY and you don’t know how long you go around. Do you want to have wasted your life being unfulfilled for the sake of being WITH someone? Think about it. Get to the answer.

No relationship that is healthy and strong and RIGHT is going to demand that you give up important pieces of yourself for it to work. Once you’re giving up important pieces, the fat lady has already sung. Game over. Lights out. Go home.

Examine your relationship, not just to see if IT’S all you want it to be but if it’s allowing you to be all you want to be. And if it’s not, think again.

In order to find the right person you need to BE the right person….start being that person today.