7/3 TFTD ~ More on “No Contact”

The key to recovery is to stop practicing the addiction first and then start talking about it, not the other way around. ~ Robin Norwood

One of the hardest “no no”’s is “no contact. If it has not become a full blown addiction, it is, at the very least a compulsion or an impulse…an itch that you think MUST be scratched. Even if the ex is responding very negatively to this contact, you keep practicing it over and over again. The old saying is “Insanity is repeating the same action expecting different results.” Contacting someone who does not want to be contacted or who hurts you every time you do is insane. Repeat after me: INSANE. How do we stop? Those of you who have been to GPYP know that we address the emotional, the behavioral and the cognitive. Unless change happens in a BALANCED way, it is not going to happen.

The first thing we must do to be successful in no contact is behavioral. We must stop contacting the ex. We must contract with ourselves to stop doing it, we must DECIDE to stop doing it, we must sit with the uncomfortable feelings that come up when we don’t do it, we must talk about it, write about it, journal about it, but SIT with it…learn from it…what is going on when you are going crazy? But most of all we need to NOT do it.

One Minute At A Time.

That is what we need to do to keep from picking up the phone, the keyboard, getting in the car, doing what we normally do to initiate contact. We need to go from one minute to the next avoiding contact.

What to Write and When To Write It.

When you are coming out of your skin to contact the ex, ask yourself, “How” “When” “Where” “Why” “What” about your feelings.

What are they?

How did they get triggered?

Are you anxious, bored, sad, empty, lonely?

What is driving you to want to connect?

What outcome do you expect?

Where are your expectations coming from?

From your fantasies of what you WANT to have happen or from the reality of what contact has resulted in before?

Are you in fantasy or reality?

Why are you allowing someone to treat you this way?

What work do you need to do to stop allowing this?

Why do you keep accepting unacceptable behavior?

What work are you NOT doing that is driving you to this behavior, once again?

In behavioral therapy, therapists often ask their clients to keep detailed daily records of particular events or psychological reactions. If you are trying to overcome obsessive eating, keeping a food journal not only about what you eat but what you are feeling and what is going on in your physcial world often leads to insight about patterns and trigger situations. In discovering the repetitive patterns, clients can break the pattern before heading to the kitchen to relieve uncomfortable feelings.

And so it is with contacting the ex.

What is going on for you BEFORE you call?

Are there trigger situations?

Are you bored?

Sad?

Angry?

Trying to change the past?

What IS going on for you?

Are you trying to relieve the pain and the pressure?

Why do you keep going to an empty well for water?

Think about this decision and this action…What is the payback for you?

Negative attention is better than no attention?

Letting the person know you still exist and if you are miserable, you are going to say things to make him or her miserable as well?

Are you thinking you can control their “moving on”?

They can’t really move on so long as you are buzzing around in the background?

What is your motive?

Can you just not accept reality?

Why are you so focused on this one person?

There are other people in the universe. Why are you so afraid of finding that out?

Whether or not you can figure out WHY you’re doing what you are doing, you still need to make a decision to stop. It is a difficult process to change behavior but it starts by NOT DOING IT.

You stop doing it and THEN you talk about how uncomfortable it is. You don’t start talking about stopping and think that one day it will just magically stop happening. If you were an alcoholic or addicted to cigarettes, you’re not going talk yourself into one day waking up and not wanting a drink or a cigarette. No,you will stop the behavior (drinking/smoking) and then all the discomfort will rise up in you and you will deal with it or choose to go back to practicing your addiction. The longer you practice it, the harder it is going to be to stop.

The way to stop is to decide to stop, THEN STOP, and then address the discomfort that comes up when you stop.

STOP MAKING EXCUSES for your inability to stop contacting the ex. There are NO excuses. STOP IT.

Marshall your self-respect and tell yourself that you are better than this. Do your affirmations. Repair that tattered self-esteem. STOP DOING THINGS THAT ONLY MAKE YOU FEEL BAD.

If you have the urge to contact, sit on your hands if you must. Go somewhere where there are no telephones or computers (leave your cellphone at home and drive to a park or a mall or somewhere where you cannot communicate). Talk to a friend. Write emails to anyone but the ex. Take a nap. Meditate. Visualize your life free of this person. Journal. Cry. Exercise.

LEARN ALTERNATIVE BEHAVIORS when you are desperate for contact.

If it’s not working, ask youreself: Are you not done yet? Do you need to beat your head against the wall some more? Well have it. Knock yourself out. Let us know how well that all turns out for you.

But the longer you play around in the mud with the ex, the longer it takes you to get where you are going: to a new and happy life.

Does it hurt when you do that? Don’t do that.