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There are 3 “phases” of grief: 1) shock and denial, 2) great emotion, 3) acceptance, reorganization and integration.
The bulk of grief work is done in the middle phase which is where all the emotional turmoil takes place.
Phase One: Shock and Disbelief
Sometimes when a breakup is sudden, it seems too much to deal with and the mind goes numb, shutting down and refusing to deal for a time. It could be a minute, a day, weeks or months. Sometimes people stay in contact to avoid truly moving on or facing the cold, hard fact that they have broken up. They will call each other, write each other, not tell friends and family and generally play the “if I don’t acknowledge it maybe it will go away” game. If one person is taking it hard and maintaining contact, the other may indulge them for a while, unsure of how to go on from here. Either way, both people are in denial and need to decide if they are broken up or if they’re not.
To move through this phase, acknowledge that you had a loss and resolve to work through it.
Phase Two: Review and Painful Relinquishment
If you are the person who did not see the breakup coming, the shock stage will probably last longer. You may feel as if you were punched in the solar plexus. You might feel as if the world is moving beneath your feet. You may feel that there is an unimaginable void in your world that you can’t do anything about. You may feel lost, and alone, and in incredible pain. These are the normal emotions of grief.
Review is a necessary part of the grief process. This can be upsetting because it may seem like you cannot stop thinking about your relationship or your ex. You might recount the breakup scene over and over again. You wish your mind would shut it all off, but it doesn’t. It seems to continue on and on.
This can be maddening, but it is necessary to review the relationship in order to work through it and be over it. Thinking about them constantly does not mean that you can’t get over it, it means that you are getting over it. While it can be crazy-making, the constant rumination is about letting go, not holding on. Yes it will drive you crazy but just know that the healing process DEMANDS that you play the movie in your head over and over again to sift through the ruins. To cry about the good times, to get angry (again) about the bad times, to wonder where it all went wrong. Yes, this phase is HARD and it HURTS but its necessary.
Devastation
Let’s go back to the breakup scene. The person you are in love with, and whom you thought was in love with you, says it’s over. Even if it was expected, even if you were not getting along, even if you knew there was a chance that things were not going to work out, you are devastated.
If you did not see it coming, you’re even more devastated. If it ended because they cheated on you, or they lied to you, or they abused you in some way, it’s even more devastating. Even if some of those traumatic scenes did not happen to you, do not minimize your feelings. Do not say, “Oh, but it didn’t happen in a bad way.” It happened the way it happened, and it hurts, and that’s all you need to know. Do not rationalize or justify your feelings away. Your feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. Let them be.
Do not mistake the amount of pain you feel for the amount of love you had for that person. Your level of pain has to do with your own sensitivity, the other unresolved losses in your life, and how many secondary losses you may have experienced as a result of this breakup. The pain is normal and healthy even if it feels like it is not.
Disorganization and Confusion
After a breakup, you might also feel physically incapacitated in some way. You have trouble sleeping, or you sleep too much. You can’t think. You become accident-prone. You have trouble putting a sentence together. You have no idea what’s going on. This is normal. It is all part of the disorganization of grief. You feel scattered; you feel overwhelmed by feelings.
Grieving causes confusion and disorganization. Be gentle with yourself during these many iterations of the grief process. Allow the normal and natural grief process to happen. It is an ultimately healing process and you will be glad you went through it.
The sadness and disorganization feels extreme to people who are experiencing it for the first time. This is often when people try to shut it down and repress what they are feeling. Don’t do it. It’s hard but allow yourself to fall apart; allow yourself the disorganization and confusion.
There will be days when your mind feels fuzzy, like you have a mental flu or something. You might find yourself unable to remember things. You might miss appointments or forget important matters. Write things down. Keep your schedule light. Realize you’re going through something and don’t chastize yourself for being forgetful. Try to put some reminders in place and don’t overload your schedule. Be gentle with yourself.
Anger
After a breakup, anger is an appropriate reaction. When something has been taken away, people feel angry. Feeling the anger is okay. Acting on the anger is not. You can and should acknowledge your anger, own your anger, write about your anger, talk about your anger and eventually it will dissipate. What you should not do is act out or lash out in anger. That is not okay.
If you try to repress your anger because you think that your anger is “unacceptable” or “bad” or “wrong” it will manifest itself in other ways. Some people refuse to acknowledge anger but go through life taking it out on other people, acting irritated all the time, being prone to bad moods and acting generally foul and bitter. These are all variations of unexpressed anger. If you have been going through life in an unexplained sour mood, you may have anger issues.
Facing the anger for the first time may result in not just feeling angry, but feeling rageful. Acknowledging your losses and your anger can be overwhelming. It’s good to acknowledge it and let it out but not to TAKE IT OUT on anyone. Be mindful when you are driving or interacting with other people that you are angry and don’t take your anger out on the wrong people. That is NOT okay. It’s not even okay to take it out on the person who is the reason for your anger. Your anger belongs to you. Own it. Deal with it.
There is an expression that depression is anger turned inward. Conversely, anger is often sadness turned outward. After you express anger you may feel incredibly sad and exhausted. Working out anger often leads to sadness and visa versa. Know that sadness and anger are two sides of the same coin.
Guilt
Guilt is a normal part of the grief process. No matter how good you were in the relationship, we are human, and there will always be guilt about what was done or not done, what was said or not said. The guilt can lead you to think you caused the breakup, and if you just apologize enough or do things differently, it will all be okay. You cannot move on if you still think you can fix it, or obsess about what you did or did not do. Guilt often comes from thinking we have control where we have none. Guilt stems from our inability to accept what has happened, and a misguided sense of having power over the situation of being able to go back and fix it.
There is no way to go back and redo it, and even if you could, it does not change the outcome. What happened has happened. Going back is not going to be productive.
Dwelling on the past is not going to change things. Obsessing about trying to change things, or being guilty, is keeping you from your work. Even if you could change it, it’s over. Deal with that.
Searching
After any loss, the mind tries to put the world back the way it was. If someone or something is lost, there is an impulse to look for it. It is the mind’s way of reordering the world the way it “should” be. This results in the urge to search.
It is uncomfortable but it passes…the less you give into it, the easier it gets. The more you give into it, the harder it gets. You don’t want to lose your way or get into an accident…you want to stay strong and know where you are. Journal. Write letters to the ex that you don’t mail. Sit on your hands. Call a friend and say you’re going crazy can you talk. Go to a movie. Do SOMETHING but don’t connect.
You will cycle through all these emotions several times. It’s hard and it hurts but get enough rest, have support in your life, eat right, exercise and start finding new interests and new friends.
You can get through the feelings. It’s all just temporary. YOU CAN DO THIS.
A more comprehensive description of the grief process after a breakup is available in the book Getting Past Your Breakup. Click HERE
to order.
This post was. My girlfriend of six months left me abut two and half months ago and I found this site shortly after. While six months is not long, the break up was devastating for me. This post may be your best yet Susan because it is almost like you are talking directly to me. I slipped up a few times early on (contacting the ex and pathetically begging her to take me back), but everything and every step you mention in this post, I have gone through. The initial shock, the anger, the guilt, the confusion, the hope she would come back.
I am just about there and not seeing or talking to her for two months has helped. I unconsciously think about her less and less everyday and have begun to enjoy what I used to enjoy before meeting her again. It still hurts like hell when I do think about her, but I am getting there.
Thanks Susan!
I was away from my home country for 6weeks and when I came back my girlfriend of 1year 3months told me she didn’t have feelings for me anymore. 1week later, she admitted that she has got a new boyfriend for about 2weeks now while I was away. I was heartbroken as she said I was the only guy she would ever love and want to marry. It’s been a few weeks that I’ve been griefing and it’s been terrible. I’m dying here and she’s basking in the love of a new relationship. I have problems sleeping, thinking straight and eating while she goes out of her dates with her new boyfriend and fills up her online profile with new pictures of them. After visiting her profile once, I decided to stop causing myself more pain. Cheating girlfriend. And I suffer.
God bless me.
One of the best posts I’ve ever seen on dealing with a breakup. My exboyfriend of 6 months and I split up almost 2 months ago. I’ve been through all these stages. Now not only I accept it’s over, but I think it’s the best option. He didn’t treat me well during the last two months and now I’m feeling angry. That’s the only feeling left. I feel I didn’t defend myself when he treated me so unfairly and even cruelly, and on top of that I took all the blame. Some days I feel like writing a letter with all the grievances and tell him how screwed up he is. But then I think it would take me hours to write such letter and that it’s more productive to concentrate on my own projects, on the life I want to create for myself, and on chainging myself, my confidence in my own perceptions. If I write and send the letter I would still be looking for validation, and that is exactly what made me take the last two bad months. It’s great that the article lets you know that all those thoughts and behaviors that make you feel you’re not progressing are actually part of getting over it. Thank you Susan!!!
Susan, you’re a God-send. Thank you so much for writing this–you have no idea how much it has helped me. One question: my ex and I attend the same church and so I see her from time to time there and at other events where we share friends and when I do, I feel this well-spring of emotions overcome me inside and I feel like I am moving backwards. Should I avoid this church service or just see her, and do my best to avoid her without being rude (that is difficult I find)? I also have the option of going to a different service but my other friends attend this one so I would prefer not too–plus, it is the most convenient time for me. Thanks for your recommendations.
Pete
This information is just what I need. My ex-girlfriend and I broke up a week ago today after 4 years and I am having a hard time dealing with it. The break up was not unexpected but I can’t seem to stop thinking about how to make things right. It helped for the first few days to talk with her, but I am finding it even harder to deal with now. This information was blunt and to the point with no false hopes created that the relationship can work out. Thanks a lot. This information will be put to good use and read a few times over the first few days.
Susan,
After many days of denial, reading your website was just what my sister needed to do to get her life back on track. She was pretending to be fine…I think you call this “minimization”..but now she is on track to go through all three phases of grief. Thank you for helping her make this very important transformation. A few dishes have been broken in the process…but it was all well worth it.
Best for your work in the future,
K
Susan,
Thank you so much for all of this advice. My boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me a few days ago. I guess i could see it coming because we both thought that it would happen(some people didn’t like us together) but i didn’t think that it would end the way that he made it end. I had been wondering what was going to happen after that break-up and i wanted to know what i was really going through. I found it all! Thank you so much, it’s just what i needed.
Susan,
What you said here really touched my feelings. Me and my girlfriend had been together for 2 years 4months. I noticed things starting to head downhill at around the 2 year mark…We broke up 3 weeks ago, still deeply in love with each other. Up until yesterday, we were both in denial, seeing each other, being intimate, acting as though its ok to act like this, but it hit me like a brick one night on the way home. What we are doing isnt right. I told her we need to break up for real, and now i come to find out she is talking to another person in a dating way. Is that her way of grieving? We both dont doubt that we love each other truely, and i feel the urge to one day try to rekindle this love…is it possible? Mind you, im still in the very first days of this long and grueling process, i just want a concrete answer, not false hope. Maybe months apart will do us good, but will there ever be another chance of us being together again…
My girlfriend of five years told me a few days ago that she doesn’t love me that way anymore and that she wants our relationship to end. But at the same time, she wants us to be as close as before minus the romantic parts, as we are the best of friends. I don’t want to stay away from her because that would be a betrayal on my part as her best friend but I think I won’t be able to escape feeling the pain when I’m with her, knowing that things are not the same anymore and that I’ve lost part of her. She insists I’ve not lost her but how can that be? My status in her life has changed forever. Unlike before where I have exclusivity in my relationship with her, I will now have to face insecurities and live with the fear of losing her even as a best friend and soulmate. The question of what happens to me if she meets a new love interest is never far from my thoughts. Will she find a new best friend and soulmate in her new love? I’m worried I’ll turn into a possessive friend who is always suspicious of whether my best friend has found someone else but is not telling me. I’ll be living a life of fear, always fearing and bracing for the end of this great time. I’ve learnt that love is an illusion that only serves to hurt in the end. It gives you a few moments of great joy but brings a lifetime of suffering. It’s the most dangerous drug known to us.
This would have been very helpful 18 years ago.
I went through all of that 18 years ago. It’s all real.
I’m glad to have found this. Wisdom redefined.
I was heart broken mid June when my love of 2 1/2 years decided that he didn’t love me like he used to, and couldn’t see us having a future together. My heart still hurts – even though some days are easier than others. last week was good- this week, terrible. I can’t quit remembering all the things we did, being with him and his family (which I miss terribly!) and just that I’ll just be ‘another one’ to him… It’s heart wentching! I can be strong, happy, and dealing and build myself up, and the next hour, I’m weeping again. I know these steps are necessary, but it gets tiring having to keep youself so strong all the time. There is another cause of my on-going pain; we work together. (please, I don’t need anybody else telling me how wrong that was even to get involved… I’ve heard it!!!) I’m searching for another job, but it’s taken some time. It makes me angry, too, that I’m taking this ‘out’, when I really want to tell him HE should be the one getting the new job and out of my life every day!
AGain, I know the only way out of the pain is ‘through’, but it just seems so unfair, that I was the one who wasn’t wanted anymore…
[...] Last Phase of Grief: Reorganization, Integration and Acceptance In the “Emotions of Grief After A Breakup” post, I said that there are three phases of grief. In that post I wrote about the first two because [...]
Thank you so much for this info. I was in a relationship for 12 years and have 2 children with my ex. We separated in Feb. 2006 (after being unhappy for at least a year) but remained in constant contact (even aside from the children) and talked about possibly getting back together. Two weeks ago, I found out that he has been seeing someone for four years and loves the woman. I am of course devastated and am going through so many of the stages that you mention above. It helps to know that everything I am feeling is normal i.e., constantly wanting to talk to him to figure our what went wrong, being angry at him (I read your posting too late and already took out my anger at him in a phone call), etc.
Your posting gives me hope that I can and will make it through this and that it is normal to not “get over it” as quickly as people think I should since we were already separated.
Thank you.
Thank you for this post. I’m sure it sounds crazy, but this is what I’ve been going through as I work through feelings of grief for my therapist. I developed an incredibly intense emotional attachment to him during therapy that was only made worse afterwards because I kept seeing him through mutual friends, community activities, and I also communicated with him through email. I have been feeling awful, worse than even before I started therapy, because the longing to be near this person is so intense, and I never felt that close or safe with anyone in my life before. Also, he did so much for me, and he seems to feel strongly about many of the same things I do, so I keep thinking I won’t be able to find anyone else like him. I know this wasn’t technically a “breakup”, but it sure feels similar to what you’re describing. I will try to keep this stuff in mind and also force myself not to write to him anymore.
Jane
Jane, it doesn’t sound crazy but it also sounds as if your therapist did not have good boundaries with you. From what you’re writing here, it sounds like you weren’t really safe. If he is allowing the relationship to continue in email, that’s not safe.
Take care of you, do your work around this and please take some time to go to another therapist and talk about this with them (hopefully a female). I don’t know the situation but it sounds like there might be major transference/counter transference issues here and its something that should be dealt with. Good luck and thanks for stopping by.
Thank you for the truth, and the gentleness in which you wrote it.
In December my partner ended our 17 year relationship, I’m still in a mess. Alot of what you have said in your post I have went through but I think I am still in limbo and can’t move on. He hasn’t officially came out and told me we are over yet but since I haven’t heard or seem him since December and also due to the fact that he has been seeing someone else (which I now believe he was seeing before we split up) I think it is safe to think we’re over. I think about him every minute I don’t go out anymore, I lost all my friends as they were mutual friends I go to work and come home that’s all. I can’t find enjoyment in anything anymore and don’t know how to get past this, it’s been 8 months and I thought it would have got a little easier to deal with by now but it hasn’t. I don’t know who I am without him, and I avoid going to shops etc where i might see him as I am totally terrified to death of meeting him as I think it would kill me. I feel completely alone and isolated but I shall try to remember your advice and hope that some day soon I’ll see some light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks.
its all come as such a shock to me. an engagement and a relationship for 5 years is now over. i didnt see it coming, and it’s knocked me for six. he admitted he didnt love me and hes been cheating on me (3 times infact). i feel so blind and i keep blaming myself – even though he was the one who cheated. we were school sweethearts and now i just feel so vulnerable and alone. ive isolated myself from my family and even my friends, i can’t face any of them. he said he wanted to be friends, but he also said he wants to know what its like with another woman. kick me whilst im down heh? the pain is so intense, ive lost a stone in a week and i think iv’e developed an eating disorder. i dont know what to do. iv’e broken contact from him for a week now, but its so hard. i blame myself constantly. i just want the pain to end. please help.
I was amazed to read your analysis and I can identify with everything you are describing. My problem is that I had a sequence of failed relationship (starting with my very first one, which kind of set a pattern for all that followed), and have become something like a ’serial griever’ or something. There is so much accumulated pain that life for me became unbearable. I also noticed that, while I have intenese feelings of grief (and all elements of it you describe) and have intense experience of my inner world, i will often feel completely numb to things happening on the outside. I find some of my emotional reactions completely inappropriate, and at times even feel like I am losing touch with reality (quite literally; I catch myself talking or laughing to myself on the bus, or while I am walking on the street, I have developped some habits that very much resemble obssessive compulsive behavior etc.) I just wish the pain would stop, but at this point I see no end, and I think I am only growing weaker. Thank you for your post, though, it does help some when all is laid out in wrting like that.
(I apologize for any bad spelling or grammar, I am not a native speaker of English)
Thank you for writing this. My boyfriend of two years unexpectedly decided to split with me just today and I am at total loss of what to do. As it was the first time I’d been in love it was very comforting to know that I’m not alone in the way I feel (which is mostly just numbness and utter shock at the moment). Thank you for giving me a glimpse of optimism for the future as I could certainly not have had this without you.
This text is such a morale booster for me. I am trying to deal with not exactly a breakup, but a heartbreak of what I thought was a promising relationship–after 15 years of sporadically running into each other. I’m starting to heal–very, very slowly.
I wish my boyfriend had actually “broken up”. He just started avoiding me, not responding ect. I was lost. I told myself that I was overreacting that we were probably fine, but all of my instincts told me it was over. The fact that he never came out and said “goodbye, it’s over”, made it so much more humiliating and me feel so worthless. But it does get better, every day, even if it’s just a little.
Hi Jillian,
His inability to man-up and end the relationship has nothing to do with you. He is a coward. It’s all about him and his issues and problems.
Don’t take his cowardice personally. Just be glad to be rid of this spineless person. Do your work and come out on the other side. You can do this! Best of luck to you.
Thank you Susan!
This starts my day with a smile – you’re right – there is no future with someone who is a coward, he’ll deal with all his difficult issues by running and hiding – won’t he?
Best wishes and Thank YOU!
My Girlfriend of two and a half years broke up with me this past July. I wanted to continue the relationship, we both love(d)? eachother very much, but she didn’t think that with her intense time commitments from her rigorous college she would be able to hold up her end of the relationship. In retrospect, she hadn’t been as intimate or generous with her time/self the entire last 6 months of our relationship. (Part of me wants to think that she had stopped loving me, and the other part hopes she was genuinely busy and distracted.)
The Irony is that earlier in our relationship we were both proud of how we had cooperated and worked hard to make time for eachother through our busy schedules. I’ve got a pair of notes seperated by two years that say exactly the opposite thing: “Thank you for staying…” and “I’m sorry we have to end this…”
I have been cycling through grief stages for the past 3+ months, and each time I go through them, they seem less intense than before, but tonight I was able to read the breakup messages and the only thing I felt was pitty for her, because she did love me and she was genuinely sorry for having to end our relationship.
I’ve been very angry with her, and I guess I’ve tried to vilify her in my own mind. I’ve tried to make her out to be the cowardly, cold, man-hater. Is that normal? The more important question is: is it healthy? I’m afraid that if I start to break down my defenses that I will remember how “great” she was and the repeat the grief cycle again. It’s hard not to “hate” her, but it’s even harder not to fall in love with her again.
(It’s also difficult not to wonder what will happen when we’re both done with college. If we got back together, would she put her carrier before Me/Us again?)
Thank you for your helpfull and wonderful articles.
Mike–I relate to your description about going through the cycles more than once. Sometimes we really do have to cycle through grief repeatedly until it is out of our system. If we are willing to do that and not avoid it, we really do heal. think if you keep cycling through the grief stages, you will reach a point where you do not hate her OR fall in love with her all over again. That is how it worked for me in my last breakup. The grief was intense for me as much old (unresolved) grief came up. I grieved a bunch of stuff at once and cycled through the stages many times. It was an intense time this past spring and part of the summer, but it was worth it. Don’t judge your feelings as you cycle through–they won’t last forever and they are trying to help you let it all go.
Kathy
Thank you very very much Kathy. I’ve been trying to connect with people that have grieved before so they can help me through this process, and it has helped a lot. I’m in a calm part of my cycle (wow that sounded more feminine than I intended) and it feels nice to not feel strongly either way about her right now.
Dear Susan,
Thanks alot for taking the time to write that massive piece of blog. Even though I might only be 16 years old, I did indeed recognize just about everything you wrote about. Breaking up at this age might be different then as being an adult, or maybe it isn’t, but it’s certain that after reading this blog I can actually view at myself from a different perspective and move on in life. I’m still young.
Thanks again,
~Stonetotem (I’d rather not give out my real name)
Stone, thanks for being here. I wish I knew then (at 16) what I know now! Hope it help you avoid some of the hard lessons a lot of us had to go through!
Hey All, its me again! I have had some time this weekend, after just joining, to post various comments on what I think. I have found some time to read just about everything on this website thus far, and if I could offer some more advice, I would be glad to do so, I know, even though I am 27, some of you may think I do not have that much experience, but I keep on learning every day and have learned alot from my own experiences as well as from others, I have had the opportunity to meet many people (including some from various countries around the world), so I incorportate my own thoughts, my education and other people’s experiences into what I have to say.
Here are my thoughts based off of particular situations I have read from people’s exprience from this site:
About the girl who was down to 98 pounds, I would suggest that you stop and look at yourself, you are becoming unhealthy and you are “withering” away like a dying rose. Little do know how beautiful of a flower you really are. You need to replenish yourself, put nutrients back into your body, and you need to grow again. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you, it is never too late to grow again!!
About the girl who wanted to possibly end her life: DO NOT DO IT!! You are much better than that. I have read a book about suicide, and it is NOT the answer. You need to contact someone immediately and let them know about how you are feeling. She said that she did not want to get help, felt too ashamed, then go for help to someone else, there has got to be SOMEONE!! Listen, I heard once on the radio about a preacher talking and he said that when we die, we leave with the same feelings we had when we were alive, another words, if we are depressed and angry, when we die we still leave with depression and anger. Of course, this is only a belief, so you can choose whether you want to believe it or not. SUICIDE is NOT the answer, it is NOT the way out!
For those of you with children, please think of them and the caretaker you need to be, the parent that you need to be. They CANNOT take care of themselves! (trust me on that). There are numerous stories out there with divorce and children involved and how people DO get over it and move on. Two examples I have: 1st story: My brother got a divorce 5 years ago and he was devastated, his ex-wife cheated and they have two little kids. She kicked him out and he lost everything. The reason why I know he was devastated, because he moved in with my mom and I was living at home at the time too (working my way through a community college) and I saw his depression and pain everyday, everyday he slept on the couch and would not barely get up and barely eat. He did not want to see his kids at first, he felt like a terrible dad. With TIME he GRADUALLY got better. He got a different job, started getting rewarded at his job, started making connections with some old friends for support and gradually got better. He SWORE up and down that he would NEVER move in with some girl again and get serious, well, guess what, he NOW lives in a house with his new girlfriend of 1.5 years, and lives close to my mom’s. She has a little boy too and so my niece and nephew have someone to play with. He is doing MUCH better now. 2ND story: I just watched a show last night on the History channel about a husband and wife who were missionaries and they got held hostage in the Phillipines for over a year. The husband ended up getting shot, from a surprise attack and now she lives without him and their 3 kids, now without a father. I think it would be reasonable to compare loosing someone to a breakup, kind of like loosing someone that has died. You think they are gone forever. Listen, there are ways to get through this, read this site, seek professional help if needed, join support groups. My sister died in a car accident in 1996, I lost my best friend, she was forever gone. She is in my dreams now. The pain is real, you need to feel it, you will not be healed over night. It takes time and you need to allow yourself that time!
For those of you, like me, who have had 2 year to 4 month relationships, read my other posts, that may help you. I felt everything that you are feeling.
Lastly, I agree with Susan on staying NO FRIENDS with the other person. I stayed friends for 2 years with this last person that I recently decided “NO CONTACT” anymore. He and I were like best friends, met here in MI in summer of 2005 and then he moved away to start his private practice in Colorado (he is a dentist). I really thought we were “soul mates”, that I had finally found “the one”. However, by staying friends, I only harbored the feelings and they grew and grew over time. I thought that maybe he felt the same about me, from our conversations on the phone/email and with a recent visit that he was planning, I thought maybe he wanted more. However, I find out that that probably was not the case. Now, I am left with losts of questions and pain and sadness. BUT I feel myself getting better and I can recognize the feelings of grief and am gradually healing.
I hope this helps!
Take Care All,
“Coping in Michigan”
3 weeks ago the love of my life for 2 1/2 years left me for someone in one of her classes in college. The most horrible thing was after every time wed get into a small argument she would always say to me ” please don’t hurt me, I’ve been hurt too many times before” She was my first true love and her family took me in. it is totally out of character for her to do this and I am totally devastated. All I can think about is wanting to die. The thought of her being with someone else so fast after leaving me makes me sick to my stomach. I have barely been able to eat more than 1 meal a day for the past few weeks. Out relationship was long distance (about 3 hours apart) I never had a problem with it for I am a very patient person. I had lost my father to cancer when i was younger and was never able to really let the walls down for anyone to get close to me. When we met I was 23 and she was 19. I am 25 and she is 21 now and I have attempted avoiding contact with her but she IM’d me the other day saying how she misses me and then I can’t help but go off on her and tell her how I feel betrayed and back stabbed by her. i truly love this girl with all my heart and the time we’ve had together was so incredible. It is so much harder being so close with her family and all it is eating me alive. I just don’t feel like I can go on any longer like this. I have shut out all my friends and family. It’s so hard to be social and pretend am not miserable right now. I just feel like a total failure and wish I had done some things differently in our relationship. She always told me I was the best boyfriend shes ever had and she is(was) the most important person in my life. It is just so hard because I was never able to truly express how I feel abut her until it was too late. As of the past few months she has suffered from depression and has been on anti anxiety meds and sleeping medication. The last weekend we spent together ended in an argument because she didn’t agree with one of my hobbies (poker) which we would constantly argue about even though it is a great secondary source of income for me and I live in the city which is very expensive. Half of me was saying just give up the poker and make her happy, but the other half was saying If you give this up its just a matter of time before its something else I have to give up and it then becomes a controlling relationship. The day after that fight she said i need to think about things for a week and then said we should break up. Then after losing my mind for 2 days she calls back and admits to seeing someone else. The kicker is the following week she admits that she never cheated on me, (which I don’t know whether I can believe or not) but the guy left hes girlfriend to be with her. So now not only am I completely shocked, but the anger I am feeling is indescribable. This is not like her at all. She had been partying up at school with her roommates the last semester, going out drinking all the time she she smokes marijuana a lot too which I haven’t really had issues with. i just feel like I’ve lost my best friend in the entire world. I apologize for the long post, but my whole world is collapsing right now and I feel empty and alone.
I felt exactly the same way – empty and alone. Don’t worry about what she’s doing – focus on yourself and how everyday your getting a little better. You will be amazed at how strong you are – trust me, you will get through this. I never thought another man could replace what I thought was the love of my life. Yet here I am, in love, and thanking God that I had been free to meet him.
You have so much to look forward to! Believe it.
wow i really can’t believe everyone is going through the same thing as me! it’s amazing. my boyfriend (of 10 months) dumped me 2 months ago. just like all the other stories here, i was totally devastated. i went a whole month without talking to him and then talked to him. that “friendship” slowly devolved again. and he ended up saying “look, i’m a bad influence in your life” and voila, rejection all over again.
thank you so much for such a great entry. it is so true. i feel like the 2 month mark is totally the anger phase. that’s all i have left to deal with.
thank you, blogger. thank you, responders. it was very nice to read all of this.
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Im 19 nowm and in my life I had a lot of girls.. but never a real one.
About a month ago I met this girl and she was awesome, incredible and always smily and happy to see me.
She was the one that wanted to start the relationship and the first one to tell me “I love u”.
I wasnt really sure to do this at first but then I realized how much I cared about her and actually LOVED HER.
About 2 weeks ago I felt she became cold towards me and she didnt wanna see me that much or even have sex that much.
Las weekend she just disappeared and didnt answer my calls or text messages. I saw her on monday and when we went up to her room, I saw she was different. I was trying to understand what happened but she wasnt really clear and suddently, she started crying and started telling me how amazing i was and I was such a great guy and that she was happy that I chose her.
The day after I went to the gym but once again she told me she needed some space for a while and that she wanted to go to the pool. After I worked out, I went up to her room and the door was unlocked, I could hear music coming from inside. I knocked and stepped in and what I saw just shocked me. She was standing up with her baiting suit on and a guy with just a towel around his waste was trying to hide somewhere. I flipped on her but I then realized how much I cared about her. She told me she messed up but she was scared on how things were going between us. Before meeting me, she was in a relationship for 2 years and she told me that she never felt that much love for a person in just a month and that she really regrets what she did.
I loved her.. so I told her I was ready to forgive her and that I didnt care what happened and I wanted to get back with her. The day after we went to dinner togheter and she kept saying she loved me and she was imagining our life in 10 years.
Well the day after that she told me she couldnt sleep cause she felt horrible for what she did to me and she needed sometime by herself without seeing any guy.
I still kept in touch with her and she told me to go out for dinner again yesterday evening and we were just acting like friends. at the end of the dinner she told me she was gonna go over our friends’ house and she was gonna call me when she got back.
Well guess what happened? She never called me back. I was talking with one of her friends and she told me she is still seeing that guy. But, the thing that shocked me the most is that the guy she went to chill with wasnt the guy I saw her cheating with that day.
I still feel she wants to spend time with me but I dont get why..
What should I do?
I forgot to mention that after she came back from that weekend she desappeared and started crying for no reason I even told her: Please tell me if there is any guy involved, I would understand me… just dont let me catch u doing something stupid..”
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Hi Susan
Thanks for this, It validates some of what I have been going through. My boyfriend of 1.5 years who I love to a ridiculous degree admitted to cheating on me a few times at the start of our relationship (early on but after we had agreed to being in a committed relationship). He has lied and lied since to cover this up, even though my suspicions have been driving me mad. The rest of our relationship has been amazing and if it weren’t for this we would be perfect for each other… but these are pretty big things.
I’ve been going through this cycle but can’t break contact because I haven’t found somewhere else to move to yet. I have to choose whether to try and make this work or not whilst going through everything you have described. The only contradiction to what you have written is that I have been taking my anger out on him – desperate for him to understand what he has done to me. He wants to do anything he can to make up for this and save the relationship but I don’t see how I can make decisions like that whilst going through the grief – not that the relationship is over, but that it wasn’t there in the beginning.
Your post helps though.
It’s very hard to grieve fully while still in the relationship, still in contact or still trying to decide if it’s going to work or not. Grieving can only be completed when it’s truly over.
I don’t understand what you are grieving when you are still trying to decide. Are you deciding not to decide? What are you trying to grieve? I’m not understanding th is.
You have to make your choice first and then grieve.
I’m not sure either, maybe its not grief!! But your article is exactly what I have been going through though.
Maybe grieving the loss of the perfect relationship I thought I had? Or maybe its just a reaction to the shock. Maybe I’m wrong and its not a shock because I was suspicious for so long anyway. I just can’t believe how consistently he has lied, not seeing what it was doing to me – he says he cares but he has done such awful things.
Maybe I’m wrong, maybe its not grief, but whatever it is the symptoms are the same…..
My situation is that my boyfriend and I met and lived together for a time, but because of immigration issues, he had to return to his country. After he returned, we continued our relationship while he pursued obtaining a visa to return to the U.S. Unfortunately, in June his request was denied. Since that time, our communication greatly diminished as he told me he needed his “space”. I spoke with him yesterday and found that a couple months ago, he began seeing someone else and is in another relationship.
I am, therefore, just getting through the “denial” phase of my grief. Even though we have been physically separated for some time now, I held onto hope that somehow we would and could be together again. I suspected that he was trying to “move on” by limiting contact with me, but I just could not “not know” what was going on with him and how he was doing, even though I knew that the chances of his coming back were very slim.
I am not angry that he is moving on with his life and in another relationship. We cannot be together due to immigration policies and so I didn’t expect him to be alone for the rest of his life. But I feel so much pain, and sting, and jealousy — it should be ME. I love him so much still, and I am just now accepting — it is over. I have this strong need to stay in contact with him, but I know in my soul that, as this article suggests, it would only prolong my agony. My thoughts right now are 99% on this loss — I wake up thinking about it, I spend the day thinking about it, I go to sleep thinking about it, and then dream of him. I am just feeling so hopeless right now — and a part of me is angry at him that he has “moved on” so quickly while I am left alone to deal with this loss. I constantly feel like I am about to break out into tears and that someone is just standing on my chest — constant anxiety and depression. I have experienced grief before and I know that it subsides with time — the death of my mother was such an experience — but I had forgotten how absolutely maddening and miserable this experience is…
Im 19 nowm and in my life I had a lot of girls.. but never a real one.
About a month ago I met this girl and she was awesome, incredible and always smily and happy to see me.
She was the one that wanted to start the relationship and the first one to tell me “I love u”.
I wasnt really sure to do this at first but then I realized how much I cared about her and actually LOVED HER.
About 2 weeks ago I felt she became cold towards me and she didnt wanna see me that much or even have sex that much.
Las weekend she just disappeared and didnt answer my calls or text messages. I saw her on monday and when we went up to her room, I saw she was different. I was trying to understand what happened but she wasnt really clear and suddently, she started crying and started telling me how amazing i was and I was such a great guy and that she was happy that I chose her.
The day after I went to the gym but once again she told me she needed some space for a while and that she wanted to go to the pool. After I worked out, I went up to her room and the door was unlocked, I could hear music coming from inside. I knocked and stepped in and what I saw just shocked me. She was standing up with her baiting suit on and a guy with just a towel around his waste was trying to hide somewhere. I flipped on her but I then realized how much I cared about her. She told me she messed up but she was scared on how things were going between us. Before meeting me, she was in a relationship for 2 years and she told me that she never felt that much love for a person in just a month and that she really regrets what she did.
I loved her.. so I told her I was ready to forgive her and that I didnt care what happened and I wanted to get back with her. The day after we went to dinner togheter and she kept saying she loved me and she was imagining our life in 10 years.
Well the day after that she told me she couldnt sleep cause she felt horrible for what she did to me and she needed sometime by herself without seeing any guy.
I still kept in touch with her and she told me to go out for dinner again yesterday evening and we were just acting like friends. at the end of the dinner she told me she was gonna go over our friends’ house and she was gonna call me when she got back.
Well guess what happened? She never called me back. I was talking with one of her friends and she told me she is still seeing that guy. But, the thing that shocked me the most is that the guy she went to chill with wasnt the guy I saw her cheating with that day.
I still feel she wants to spend time with me but I dont get why..
What should I do?
Helpmeplease: she sounds like a party girl who will say whatever in a “I want to feel good for now.” I would forget about her if I were you. She can’t be trusted. Move on before you get really really hurt.
Last week before a nail biting football game, my boyfriend of five months called me and almost broke it off but gave me another chance. That Wednesday, he called me right before church and broke up with me. I cried on the whole congregation’s shoulders. The whole reason he did thid was because a schoolmate of mine lied to him and told him I was cheating on him just because I hang out with a whole group of boys. And, he told him I was pregnant because I came to school with a stomachache. it still hurts me, I WANT HIM BACK!!!
Tiffany, it sounds like you need to forget this guy…and get a new friend. The friend lied about you and instead of talking to you, the boyfriend broke up with you. You sound young and you can and will move past this. But you have to learn to let go of people who will believe others over you and friends that lie about you.
Hi Susan,
So, I already know what you’re going to say, but it helps to have it reiterated to me over and over. So, here goes:
This past Saturday I told my boyfriend of 4 years that it was over. I was angry at him because of a certain way he made me feel. Not getting into the situation, I realize in retrospect that I was definitely being hypersensitive, and that I could have dealt with the situation in a mature way, but I didn’t. But he has a history of invalidating my feelings, so I got angry. That’s why I ended it. Usually when I get angry, I’ll tell him its over, sometimes to get his attention, but most of the time its because I really feel that it won’t work. But then I become lonely and I end up calling him. Anyway, when I texted to apologize, I got no response. Also, I called, and got no response. We haven’t talked for about 5 days now, and its not as hard on me as I thought it would be, but it still hurts. I feel like if its over for REAL, he should at least have the respect for me after 4 years to tell me goodbye. I can only feel so sorry for letting my emotions for getting the best of me right? I reached out and he did not respond to it. So it makes me feel like 4 years is gone for something stupid. Maybe this should have been over a long time ago, when he slept with another girl and ended up blaming it on me taking him for granted. What do you think?
It sounds like a really dysfunctional relationship. If he slept with another girl and blamed you for it and then you both went on…well that’s not exactly healthy.
Then you break up with him, but not really. And now he’s not responding to your “maybe fake” breakup and you think he should have respect for you to say goodbye? What? He doesn’t owe you ANYTHING. Your behavior is not exactly wonderful.
You said goodbye…WHY should HE tell YOU goodbye? You’ve already said it. If you don’t mean it, perhaps you cried wolf too many times. He doesn’t owe you a thing. Once someone says goodbye, that should be IT. He has no obligation to do what? Say goodbye? Why does he have to say goodbye? You already did that!!! I think you’re asking for something that you’re not entitled to.
Where have either of you earned the respect of the other? I don’t see it. It sounds like a twisted and manipulative relationship and you are responsible for at least half of the problems.
You break up with him when you’re angry but you don’t mean it? That’s a GAME and it has NO PLACE in relationships.
I think you need to get your act together and stop toying with your boyfriend and your relationship. Not that he sounds like a prize but you’re playing a game and so long as you’re doing this, nothing in your life is going to work.
Get real. Get honest. Get going with your life. Your REAL life, your HONEST life without game playing and manipulation.
You can do this.
That’s what I needed to hear. Thanks Susan.
It is a HUGE moment when you can hear feedback like that.
I did the “fake breakup” many times and it was a game and my therapist called me on it. I know how it is.
Be good to you and work on yourself and you can become a healthy and happy person.
Peace,
Susan
I would like to pat all those on the back who are trying and succeeding at NO CONTACT. It is so very interesting how the mind works during the grieving process. Having been forced to break up with someone who was unable to “man-up and end the relationship,” to me it’s all the more difficult because I desperately want to feel better during the darkest times, so I tell myself, “Well, maybe he was indecisive because he still cares so much” or “He really loves me, but he was confused,” and I create false hopes of my own. It takes real guts to not be in contact with someone you miss and to be the one — even though you didn’t want it to end — to end it. To get beyond the false hopes and suffer through the reality is such an accomplishment, and to muster up strength when one feels so rotten, I think, should be commended. GOOD JOB TO EVERYBODY GOING THROUGH THIS.
NC is hard but SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO worth it in the end. You deserve more than an indecisive person. As it says on here in many places, THE ONE for you WANTS you deeply and completely! Kick the others OUT OF YOUR LIFE!
Know what has helped me stay away, when doing it for my own good wasn’t enough? I told myself: The One is out there, and would he want anything to do with you if he knew you were still entangled with your ex? Probably not.
Ever heard the saying “If you want to make a friend, BE a friend”? I’ve thought a lot about this.. and I think it could be reworded as “If you want to find The One, BE The One”
So I’ve been thinking of it all in terms of: I have to be the person my Mr. Right is looking for. Then and only then will I be attractive to the kind of person I want to find.
Staying away for your own good SHOULD be reason enough, but on days when it isn’t, I find this kind of thinking helps. :)
Rebecca
Thank you, Susan, for helping me realize that these feelings are normal. I’m 22 and my girlfriend of nearly two years just ended the relationship 36 hours ago. I’ve been heartbroken before, but I thought we were going to get married. She didn’t want to hurt me, because we’re best friends, but her romantic feelings for me just weren’t there anymore, and she couldn’t lie to me.
It is so unbearably painful, because I’m not mad at her. She did the right thing. But now I’m so incredibly alone. She lives just down the street from me. She helped me find my apartment. She’s slept in my bed so many times, used my shower. The rug and the futon in my apartment are hers. I can’t escape her. I can’t escape these terrible feelings.
What I need help with is having sympathy for myself. I keep hating myself for ever becoming so dependent on her, for defining myself through her so much that now I’m completely devastated. And I keep believing that we could have worked if I’d done something differently. How do I love myself in such a difficult time? I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression before, but my coping mechanisms are working, because whereas anxiety is a delusion, this is real.
*my coping mechanisms AREN’T working…
Adam,
I am going through something very similiar and just wanted to let you know that I am sorry. Bottom line: It sucks.
Continue to read the articles (i.e. ‘When the person you love doesn’t love you’) on this site as they will definitely assist you in the healing process.
Best Wishes
I’m right there with you Adam. It all sucks big time and there’s no two ways about that. Hang in there and read, read, read!
Thanks for this article.As Adam said it makes you feel ok knowing all these feelings are completely that NORMAL.I guess we all go thru the same process.Wow these emotions Susan you are correct i go back and forth thru all them and then BACK again.Its like a merry-go round i cant get off.I know i have to.But the anger,shock,grief,the loneliness..it is a awful feeling.I have read from some who have gotten thru it and say it is the best feeling ever to be completely free and think on your own again..to be me again.I am just not there yet..I am going thru the withdrawals of no contact,anger,sadness..After reading your response to another i realized your right i too wanted answers from him the why,and wanting to know if he felt bad about what hes done..but you are correct i have to deal with it.I chose to break off a unhelathy relationship..i HAVE to move on–HE OWES ME NOTHING..I hve to accept that.Thanks.
hello, i just happened to be surfing the internet and came upon this page and i read the article about 3 times beginning to end. i am 17 turning 18 soon and i just got out of an unhealthy relationship. we were together for a year and 20 days. i thought i had fallen in love before but i guess i was wrong. this guy was my angel… or so i thought. he would tell me that he loved me more than anything in the world more than air and life and all the stars in the sky. we even had our cute little hand shake where he would squeeze 3 times for ‘i love you’ and i would 4 times for ‘i love you to’. he even quit smoking and drinking for me around the 3 month mark of our relationship. well he happened to turn 18 in september leaving him on a big power trip that he could do anything he wanted and it didn’t help that his mother eggs him on about being an adult now. and the way it ended wasn’t exactly pretty. it started out with him giving me and ultimatum to let him drink and party and do what he wants or get out of the relationship. then he told me that for the past 2 months he had picked up smoking again and lied about it. it shouldn’t have come as a surprise because he used to be a heavy smoker and its not easy to just stop cold turkey like he did. but for the past 4 months of the relationship i KNEW something was wrong and i do have a habit of being insecure at times. but whenever i would ask him if something was up he would flip out and blame me for being insecure he would say i didn’t trust him and that i needed to trust him. he almost had me on my knees begging for him to stay and talk it out once but he walked out saying he didn’t love me anymore that it was over. but 2 hours later he calls me and apologizes… i still don’t know why i accepted him back (this was 2 months before the real breakup). i talked to a friend and she said that i wasnn’t being insecure it was good instinct and intuition and he also probably flipped out because of his own guilty conscience. he also liked another girl for the past few months of our relationship as well. over christmas break i happened to tell this girl the truth about all the mind games he would play (making me feel guilty for feeling like somthing was wrong) and being verbally abusive such as making me cry because he had a bad day by taking every single beautiful thing back and replacing it with… ‘i don’t want to be with you forever.’ and his own idea of a sick joke to which he laughed at >’i'm only with you half the time because i think ur pregnant’ he is very two faced at times. not to mention i never thought he would lay a finger on me but a few weekends ago at a friends party he took me by the throat and held me to the ground for no reason at all. he also kept calling and texting over break. pretending to be his brother at first to say merry christmas and leaving angry voicemails like ‘i feel bad about what happened but shit happens and i still love you goodbye.’ and the last one was to wish me a happy new years. for the return to school he is angry that the girl he likes no longer trusts him because i told her the truth and because we are friends. he is putting on what seems like a front that he is very angry with me. i don’t know exactly how he is feeling. i guess a bit of me is hoping he misses me because on some messed up level i still love him and want him back and i’m trying for reassurance and so far not finding any. at school i smile and laugh like everything is alright but on the inside i’m screaming for him to come back. any words of advice how to deal with this??? i have a feeling its not over yet. i love him and i wish i didn’t. and for me to love someone so utterly and completely because of past abuse history is amazing. i never open up to anyone and i gave him everything. now everyday is a constant reminder that he told me to trust him and i finally did and look what happened. i know i should be glad that i’m rid of him because he wasn’t good to me recently but i’m not because i know that this isn’t who he really is underneath everything. i’m so confused but at the same time he is the type to come back in the end. what should i prepare for and how SHOULD i handle it??? (a call? a note? him showing up at my door step?)
thanks for listening and i will appreciate the advice i get back. :D
loveth me :)
ps: another thing that ended it was that he said i was controling and telling him that he couldnt do anything he wanted. (drinking and smoking) but i told him from the very beginning that these are things i do not like… these are my standards… and i also said that he could do whatever he wanted but if smoking and drinking were the things he chose i didn’t want to be a part of it. so i guess in the end he chose them over me…
Adam, I can completely get what you said about the furniture and the remaining ghostly “presence” of an ex in your space. My little sister came up with the idea of redecorating. It doesn’t have to cost a lot. Basically, move every piece of furniture you can to a different place. If you have things on the wall, move them around (or get a new, positive, COOL looking one that gives you a great feeling). Get all new sheets. Get new pillows for your sofa. i’m a big fan of Target and TJ Max for stuff that isn’t costly but changes a new space immensely.
And then, do what Susan has talked about…find places to go and social things to do with other people. It sucks majorly at first to be out there, but one reason I’ve realized that I think about my ex is that I’m not involved enough with me!
OOh, and Adam, considering giving her back her furniture and go on Craig’s list or something and get your NEW secondhand furniture for your new life full of possibilities with a person who is a good match for you.
Gummy Bear: you’re young and I think that you should have standards and the ones you have are good ones. I think you deserve better than this guy and that you should just work on yourself and try to put this relationship behind you. Good luck!
I am at a point where I think talking to a professional would be additional help with this breakup. I am a Bronx born-raised living in New York. Susan, are there any good psychiatrists that you can mention?
I am hoping that talking with a professional may assist me with placing certain items into perspective.
Hi Susan
Feels weird talking to strangers about this, but your post is something i could truly relate to when I felt i’m in total darkness. My boyfriend of 2 years left his placement abroad without discussing anything with me, cz we missed each other. he cudnt get a proper job here, d frustration made him so abusive towards me dat i went into depression.
mind u,he never discussed leaving the placemnt wid me.i was supposed to be grateful.and wen i said i cant leave mine,he said he cant stand me earning more than him..called me all sort of names, lied to me dat he was terminally ill to keep me tied.All LIES. He had a problem if i went out with friends and now,if i take up dat job outside this city.
He has stopped taking my calls,says i dont deserve respect cz i cant leave a job like him.i used to WORSHIP him. got intimate with him to sm extent JUST BCZ we talked of marriage and stuff. How can he break a lifelong commitment????dat too bcz i wont sacrifice my career wen i’m abt to start on it. i just howl all day. sometimes i feel he just used me..but then i wud want to feel so. How can he walk away like dat..i begged, and i hate myself for lack of self respect.
I promise myself every night that i WON’T call him, and yet, i end up doing that daily. The way he responds…is a total contrast to the way he treated me a year back…like i’m crap. Has stopped calling me. At one point, he said I should not repeat his mistake and instead, focus on my career. So why this double game???
Please help.
Initial Days:Sometimes when I hear about a person’s breakup, I think the person probably dodged a bullet. I feel that way here. He doesn’t sound like a prize and he’s certainly not the brass ring.
Work on you, get that self-esteem up!!! Go thrrough the grief and come out on the other side whole enough and strong enough to attract someone who knows that love is as love does. Your ex-bf sounds like a self-centered and cruel individual and I say good riddance to bad rubbish.
It’s hard, I KNOW, because he did bait and switch, but better now than after the ring is on your finger, children are running around and you are tied to him in a hundred different ways.
Be good to you.
Hi, I think that this web site is spot on. It has definately helped me. My boyfriend walked out on me and me two children three days before christmas. I loved him very much and so did my kids. He always kept me at a distance and I never felt that he loved me the way I loved him. He and his ex wife had split 18 months before we met, I don’t think he will ever get over that but that’s not my problem anymore. I just want to forget how much I tried to make it work but it’s so hard and hurtful. While he was living with me pretending to make plans for the future he was on the council list waiting for somewhere to live and booking holidays abroad. I feel such a fool as I gave myself completely to him, he’s totally betrayed me and my children. It will be hard to trust any man after this. I will read through this web site every day and get stronger. I have an old friend that I will be meeting up with soon as it is my birthday soon, not rushing in to anything but there is hope for the future. My feelings go out to other readers who are feeling worse than I am xxx
Today is day 5 for me. The first 3-4 days were almost unbearable – i was a mess – i still am a mess. I did not sleep eat or function like a normal person. I found this site and realised that despite my want to be friends with him that I can not get through, over and beyond him and us with him in my life. There is still love and lots of it and it is just too painful too continually talk to him, knowing that we are OVER. I call him to get me through, until the next breakdown, where I feel I have to call him so that he can comfort calm and reassure me about myself and my strength – which he does. I know I HAVE to do that for myself & I can & I will – I was strong happy and healthy before him and I will be again.
Our break up – my break up from him is due to our long distance relationship and the frustrations of missing and loving someone so far away with no real near or hopeful future of us being in a situation where we can be together it is a complicated mess – when i stop analysing it all and get to some point of real acceptance. At the moment I accept it I know it is over but I still find comfort in hope that one day circumstance will change. I know I can not cling to that – I just have to get to that point and I cant force it.
This is my first love real love and it was 18 months long. I am almost 28 and he is 14 years older. I am heartbroken I am wounded and i am grieving loss I am feeling rejected and the void is so large and unable to be filled with anything or by anyone right now.
Today is better than yesterday and I know this will be a long process for me – it will take as long as it takes. As long as I need and as long as I let it. It is all about me and I realise that. Finding the strength to stay focused on myself with such little sleep and food is difficult – especially when focussing on me means spending some QUALITY TIME ALONE and right now all i do is think of him us and cycle through all the above mentioned feelings and emotions when I am alone – and it hurts it hurts like hell.
Thanks to you all so much : )
This site is going to be part of me adjusting to being me on my own again.
Thanks for writing that article. I am in a completely different situation than most people. My Dad died almost 2 years ago now. We were extremely close and as I am an only child, I was devastated. Then, about a year afterwards, my best girlfriend of almost a decade dumped her husband. I told her I disagreed with what she had done and offered her a night out on the town with my husband and myself and her husband also, of course. She proceeded to dump me. I became extremely angry at her for putting me through the “grieving process” again! Anyway, your article has helped me out tremendously. If there are any other helpful hints you could give me, it would be appreciated. Thanks.
I was dating this girl for 9 months and for the last 2 months i could tell things were going down hill. I noticed especially in the last month that she was slowly getting rid of me in her life. A week we went up to payson to visit with her friends and we ended up getting into an accident and totaling my car. (She was Driving) During the entire trip i could tell something was up and affection i got from her was cold and forced. I confronted her a few days after the accident and she told me she was afraid of getting hurt again and didn’t want to talk about a future anymore because it scared her.
I decided to back of and give her space to think about things which she did and ended up breaking up with my on friday. She came over and we talked and she told me that her life was going to be to busy and hectic to continue a relationship. She is in college and is work 40 hours a week and is joining a club on top of that to further her schooling. Also she wasn’t going to spend less time with her friends. She said that she can’t deal with the pressure of relationship and that she needs to be able to focus. She said that its to much pressure trying to keep me happy and to always be worrying about finding time to see me.
Of course i didn’t want it to end but she had made up her mind; she told me that she still wanted to be friends and it would be sad if i said no. We hugged and kissed one last time and she left. Later that night i told her i wanted to get my stuff back from her after work and that i need to talk to her to help me move on. She agreed and i wen’t to her house after work; i got my stuff and put it in my car and then i talked with her about insurance and then asked her if she was just letting me down easy and that she really had stopped loving me. She said that wasn’t the case and that she did love me but she just couldn’t deal with pressure.
She said she couldn’t always be worrying is she was texting me enough and if she was talking to me enough and seeing me enough. I admit that i was to controlling in the relationship and to clingy and that i realized i was making mistakes and promising to fix them and never actually fixing them. She brought this up and said i promised i would change before and i didn’t and that its much easier said than done.
After that I told her that i needed time to move on and over come this and that i may talk to her in a week,month, or never about being friends because i need to get over her in order to even think about it.
She had tears in her eyes and just stared blankly at my car and then i said she should go inside before she freezes and a second later she just turned around and walk away.
I haven’t seen or talked to her since and yesterday was hard for me because i do miss her a lot and i did feel that she was the one. I can’t help but feel that i was the major cause of why we didn’t workout because i was incapable of realizing that i was smothering her. She was my first girlfriend and had been with several others herself but only one other serious.
Part of me wants to hope that there is a future for us and that its just a bad time for her to work on a relationship. At the same time i know its over and that i need to completely cut any contact with her be it checking up on her myspace or asking friends to see if shes ok.
Your posts have been very helpful laying out all the feelings that I am and will be going through in the next few months of my life.
my question i guess is if you truly love someone and they truly love you then no matter what life throws at you each person would be willing to make time to fix or amend the relationship?
Did she really love me or did she just say she did but not enough to be willing to deal with fixing things?
~my question i guess is if you truly love someone and they truly love you then no matter what life throws at you each person would be willing to make time to fix or amend the relationship? Did she really love me or did she just say she did but not enough to be willing to deal with fixing things?~
I don’t think it’s that simple. I think sometimes you can truly love someone and still just not be right for them. Or sometimes you still have a lot of work left to do on yourself and can’t be what the other person needs until you put in that crucial time. There are a lot of factors involved. It sounds to me like she did love you, but the dynamics of your relationship weren’t working. It wasn’t the best fit. When you say you were controlling or smothering, it sounds like you likely have some work to do on yourself to get to where you don’t react that way in a relationship (with the right person). Did you have a hard time trusting her? If so, why?
I agree with MovingOn. It’d be nice if we could all believe that “love conquers all.” But it’s never that simple. In my opinion, the biggest thing is that you both have to be in the same place in life. If you’re not, than you can have all the love and chemistry in the world, but it’s not going to work. You can’t move forward together because you both didn’t start at the same point. If you have work to do on yourself and so does she, it’s hard to do that work together.
This article by Susan about dysfunctional relationships was an eye-opener for me when I was getting over my ex:
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2006/12/14/1213-thought-for-the-day/
For me, the biggest thing was realizing this: if she loved me as much as she said she did, if she felt the same way I did about her, and if we were in the same place…we would be together. We’re not, so obviously, somewhere along the way, there is work to be done. And when I finally accepted she didn’t love me the “exact” way I loved her, Susan’s article on “When the person you love doesn’t love you back” really hit home for me.
MovingOn thanks for the input and yes as a matter of fact i did have trouble trusting her. About 4 months into our relationship she told me she had feelings for another guy. She had liked this guy before i had ever met her. She didn’t come outright and tell it to me I noticed that she was acting differently and being distant. I had to work with her to get it out and after a night by herself she told me she wanted time to figure it out. I gave her the space she needed and she came back to me in a days time and i made clear under the conditions that it was for the long haul. I believe this is where i started being controlling and smothering.
I admit i do have work to do on myself as I am not content to be on my own. I was not a complete person when i met her and even now i am still not complete. I guess you can never have a happy relationship unless you are first happy with who you are and who you were before the relationship. I guess its hard knowing that relationships can fail between the right people if it occurs at the wrong stage in their lives. I feel that i am majorly responsible for the failure of the relationship and know as hard as it may be i have plenty of work to do on my own self.
Mike,
You said “the biggest thing is that you both have to be in the same place in life.” The problem is that even if you start out in the same place, you could very well end up in different places as time progresses. That’s a big reason why marriages fail–people change, and often not in the same direction. I would say the biggest thing is making sure you have similar ways of communicating. That way if you have a need that isn’t being met, you can get that point across, and vice versa, without detrimental consequences. A relationship without great communication doesn’t have a prayer in the world. I think it’s a big part of why mine crashed and burned; I am a tackler, he is an avoider. Throughout the relationship, I was fighting for us while he was off somewhere with his hands over his ears in a corner. He avoids major problems within himself so there’s no real way he could ever “face the world” with me. I know that now.
Tom,
It sounds to me like you didn’t trust her for good reason–she started liking someone else early in the relationship and needed space to figure it out, only after you pulled it out of her. That is a big red flag if ever I saw one. If things were really good in your relationship, that wouldn’t have happened. The love of your life would never treat you that way.
“I guess you can never have a happy relationship unless you are first happy with who you are and who you were before the relationship.” Bingo. That is something I need to work on as well. I’m going to use my quality single time to explore myself and try and find peace with myself, warts and all. I never would have stayed in my flailing relationship for so long if I were truly happy with myself. I was clinging to the wrong guy because the thought of losing him felt like death. I deserved more, and so do you.
Amen MovingOn…..on taking your single time to learn to love youreslf again. I’m doing the same.
MovingOn,
I absolutely agree – my point was that for there even to be solid foundation to start on, you both have to be in the same place. If both choose to build at different points and speed (i.e. no communication, different objectives), obviously things will come crashing down sooner or later. My ex was much like yours – preferred to let life make decisions for her than face them. I prefer to face them and learn from them, even though my way produces more immediate pain, which is what my ex loves to avoid. I prefer to learn and move on, she preferred to bury and move on…so like you, I could never “face” the world with her, but merely be her perpetual protector.
I am so happy I just found this article! I recently split from my boyfriend of five years, and I have been feeling like there has to be something wrong with me, why can’t I move on. I have been through all of these steps many times. I can’t speak some days and I am very forgetful. Reading about searching was so encouraging. I am constantly calling him and writing him because it feels like I need to find him. We have a daughter together so it’s easy to find reasons to call. I also find reasons to go to his house. Now every time I feel like calling him I am going to read this and remember that every time I reach out it begins the cycle all over again.
My story needs thousands of pages and I am all confused and don’t know how to start, but all I know that I am going through all what Susan said. He left me for another new offer in another country but he still wanted to stay friends. I didn’t agree and we broke up.He kept trying to be in touch with me and I kept stopping him and telling him that it is much better if we go through this No Contact. The last time was three days ago, he texted me asking if I am ok or not, I had to call him and ask him to respect my feelings and not call or text again and he promised not to do that.
I am lost, lonely, and sad. I know it is going to take a lot of me but I know very well that one day I am going to have my beautiful smile back :-)
God bless everyone here and thanks Susan
Kerri,
There is nothing wrong with you! I have been reading this website for the entire 3 months of my breakup. In fact, this was the first article I read. After doing the “work”, I was in a good place, I thought I was over it, and then suddenley, without warning, here I am, fully recycling and back to the article which helped me start healing. To put it succinctly, it’s like I’m back at square one. Everyone’s circumsatnces are different, but please do not think that there is anything wrong with you. There are people in my life who just can’t understand why I am not over my ex, why I keep blaming myself for the relationship ending. I just tell those people, that I’m not them, and my feelings are my feelings . . . but there is nothing “wrong” with me. Hang in there, we’ll all get through it!!!
Hi. I just came across this article. Thank you so much, this is so nice. I am going through the pain of a shocking break up and he just broke up with me on Jan 5th so I am going through all these emotions. I think my friends are sick of me talking about him b/c I am having such a hard time getting him out of my head and wishing I would hear from him but I am being pretty good about not contacting him. I guess my main sadness comes from the fact that this breakup was a total shocker. The whirlwind romance I had with this man only lasted short of one month but we had so many awesome awesome times and I thought this man was just perfect for me and I was getting the impression that he felt the same (and he even mentioned marriage to me, and future plans with me, quite a few times). That’s why I was so shocked when he told me he “couldn’t do it anymore” when referring to dating me, telling me that too many major life events have happened to him in the last few months (one of which was that his older brother, whom he was close to, committed suicide in a really tragic way in October 2007)–(we dated most of the month of December) and that God was telling him to wait and get his life straightened out b4 he starts dating again. Well, I am struggling with being “understanding” his situation and decision to not date me (b/c his reasons are valid) but also allowing him to take responsibility of hurting me b/c he should have thought about all this stuff first b4 he decided to date again (therefore I wouldn’t have been caught in the crossfire of this). But he just got a new job now as of the beginning of this wk (another major life change/event) and I am sitting here hurting. So….just to give you all a idea of what I am going through. Thank you for listening….I think it helped to even just write all that out. I do miss him terribly and still have those initial love feeligns for him but I am working through it, and the main thing is that I am really trying hard (and doing a good job) in not contacting him. Thank you for this article and all the responses I am reading here :)
Sharon
I liked this article. I have been reading a lot of articles since the breakup . Worst part is its not difficult to move on .
I was in luv with this man for almost 9 months . We meet thru marriage site . Within a few days , we were talking to each other for hrs . We meet after a month and half . The first meeting didnt turn out all that great . Even then we continued and started discussing our future . We both stayed in different states .After a gap of 4 months , we started meeting once a month .
By then, I was completely in luv with him . Never could gauge his feeligns . During the time , we were together , he was always there to talk to me and hear me out . He ended up being my best friend and guide .
Somehow the last time , we meet , things were hanging . Somehow , there was no committment regards when we would meet up next .
The shocking part was he got married suddenly with a girl of his choice , hardly 20 days after our meeting in fall .
I was shocked . It s over 2 months since the breakup .
Initial time was difficult I tried to analyse what went wrong . where i was wrong . I gave up myself to him , sure we would be married soon . That was the most difficult part for me . I was a royal mess . I couldnt cry in front of my family . Only had a few friends whom I could discuss my probs . The first 1 month was horrible .Memories of the good and bad times would always flash .
I spoke to him even after the breakup . Tried for closure . Wanted to know the reason why he behaved that way . But he never gave the reason for why he behaved in such a way .
I wrote down the good and bad points of him and our relationship .
I forgave him and myself .
I could talk to him like a friend when he called to wish in new yr . We hadnt spoken for atleast 20 days .
I felt I was over him . We never discuss of his married life , nor I would discuss of what was happening wrt the men in my life .
I have tried to talk to guys a month after the breakup , but somehow never reached the closeness I felt with him when I initially started speaking to him .
I feel I still compare them with him .
In the last 10 days , I felt we are again talking a lot . I have been having a lot of problems with work and my daily life .
Somehow instinctly I call him , and he talks to me and advises me . I know he still cares for me . If I dont call him in the week, he calls . Yesterday , I thought over things and realised I am again getting dependent on him for advice . Hes been helpful to me . He s spent a lot of time on helping me with my career issues .
I realised one thing when I have people around me , I m fine .I need someone to talk to . Recently , a good friend of mine has left the town . So I m lonely .
I dont regret that things didnt work out between us . I feel whatever happened , happened for the best . We were poles apart . they say , opposite poles attract each other , Hes been my first luv . SO maybe its diff for me . Since hes married now , I nevr call him on weekends / evenings .
I still get up early in the morning , thinking of him in the mornings . During the time we spent together , I always had the comfort of him holding me .
I hope I am able to keep away from calling him after reading this article .
I know once my other problems are solved , I will be fine and will have moved on .
Rite now , I m a bit dept on people to travel . So going on weekends is difficult and weekends really suck . I hate weekends .
Pls advice me if theres something more I can do .
All I can say is a big thanks!!!!!! This post is what i truly needs….I will get over thanks!
This work of getting over my loss seems almost impossible. I’m constantly thinking about how my wife betrayed me. One moment it is i love you the next moment i want a divorce. She kept her stuff well hidden and then it comes up in such a hurtful way. i guess i just need to face the pain, accept it as part of the healing process and take good care of myself.
thank you for your post. I stopped talking to my ex almost six months ago, and we’d been broken up for sometime, but shit hit me hard when i realized i was never going to see/hear her again, and i’ve been going through those impulse urges to talk to oher again, but have to try not to do so. Thats what I will do though, I will try to move on.
A good article. I could go into detail, but I essentially was left by a girl after 2 years, a decision that she soon began to say she regretted. The “no contact” rule really does help. Every time I breach it, usually because she calls me about her family problems or her health condition, I end up feeling worse, thoughts of getting back together creep into my head, etc. When things ended, I was shattered. I felt like half of me was missing. However, three weeks later, I can see some patterns emerging in her behavior and mine. I can see some light now. Things will get better. Journaling helps. Patience helps. Listing their flaws helps. I still miss her, but my life is not over even if it felt like it was. I’m just taking this as a chance to improve myself and become a better person.
What a wonderful site.
I found out on Christmas Eve that my 13 year marriage had been a pretence and I am left shattered.
The girlfriend I think had gotten tired of waiting and I am now deluged daily with text messages and emails and photographs of her antics with my husband.
I don’t want to look but I am drawn. It is like picking at a sore place. I know it is only going to get more sore.
Why do woman choose to consort with married men?
I thought I was everything she claims to be for him. I had no idea this was going on and I am now left in nomansland doubting my senses and my judgement.
I can’t get images out of my mind. What I though were happy times for us when he was texting her behind my back.
What I thought were good parts of our marriage and yet these are now nullified by the images she has sent me……
I know I have to toughen up and move on but I feel like a rabbit caught in the glare of oncoming headlights. There have been times when I have wanted to die to simply stop the pain.
How could I have gotten this so wrong…..
Worse still I love him!
How sad is that?
Thanks for listening…..
Some days are better than others. I’m in pain and I wish my silent screams would go away. I don’t want him back, I’m angry that he got a special piece of me that I can’t get back. We were friends before we dated, I’m sad that I lost a friend. I wish there was a procedure like “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, lol.
I just finished reading all of the comments posted concerning the emotions of grief after a breakup. I was surfing the net originally to regain my self respect and that is how I stumbled onto this website. This is the first site which I found where I can relate to everyone else. I’m 43 years old and I’ve been dated this guy for close to 10 years. Maybe I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t. He never wanted to get married or have children and because I love him, I accepted this. Of course, I would get into a mood and talk about a commitment of some type, but after being told he was not ready or I needed to prove to him that I am the one, or another excuse, the subject was dropped. In November, 2006, this was no longer good enough for me. When he told me he was not ready to marry me, I walked out and did not talk to him any further. I was hurt but figured we have been together a long time and he need more space and time. Less than two months later, I learned he was getting married from a friend. Then I was devastated and crushed. I tried so hard to talk to him, but he would not talk to me. A month later, I saw him and learned he was not getting married after all. We got back together but things this time were much different. He was the same person, but the respect he once had for me was different. He no longer went out of his way for me and I now think I was just a matter of convenience for him. I figured that maybe he was really hurt over this other girl and needed to mend his broken heart. I never talked to him about commitment again. As we started spending more and more time together, he was the same person I remembered and love. I last saw him at the end of November, 2007. Things were going great so I thought. We had made plans for dinner and a movie two days later. I had not heard from him that day and drove over to his place to pick him up as was originally planned. He was not home and would not answer his cell phone. I just waited figuring he would be there shortly. 20 minutes later, I got a phone call from him and that is when he told me he met someone else. I never saw it coming. I was crushed more so than the first time and I still am even though it’s been a little more than two months now. I learned from a mutual friend immediately thereafter that he actually met her a few weeks before telling me and that she was only 29 years of age. Everything I have read on this site appears to be positive. I know I should follow the “no contact” rule, but just hearing his voice gives me enough motivation just to get through the day. It’s not often that he even takes a phone call from me and most of the time he ignores me. I now realize from this site that I’m only prolonging the pain. I have prayed and talked to friends and yet going from to day to day is a struggle. I’ve prayed that he is happy and he knows that if he ever needed a friend, I would definitely be there, even if it’s not mutual. He was my best friend too. I cannot get over that. I not worried about me finding someone else and right now, I’m not interested in dating anyone. I am however trying to regain my self respect which I lost the second time. I can’t snap out of it. Ten plus years is a long time to walk away and forget someone. I’m not made of stone. How do I regain my self respect and learn to like myself again? Everything is falling apart around me and yet, none of that seems to matter except for him. Any suggestions would be appreciated and welcome.
JSTBB,
You have come to a wonderful site. You can learn so much here. I suggest you read a lot of the articles here and especially the article on loving and taking care of yourself. You need to get away from this man because I’m sorry but I don’t think he loves you at all. Stop letting him waste your life. I know you are hurting and it’s hard to let go. My ex left me for another girl and I tried to be his friend for a little while because it was hard to break free and I missed him, but but I could not do it because it hurt too much. Don’t try to be this man’s friend and stop asking people what he is up to. Just worry about yourself. Stop worrying about what he is doing and if he is dating someone else. My ex is with someone else (as far as I know, but I don’t torture myself trying to find out who) and I am surviving. Yes it hurt because he was the man of my dreams (or so I thought) but I had to let go. There is nothing I can do about it. The decision was his. I have to respect it.
Stop confusing time invested with love. If this guy loved you, he wouldn’t be jumping to date others. He would try to make it work with you. Is he acting like the 10 years meant anything? There is nothing wrong with you but you have to stop letting him walk all over you. You say he is losing respect for you but respect is something you need to earn and command. Start with respecting yourself. If you lose a man who doesn’t love you, you are not losing much. It’s hard to start over but sometimes in life we must. Stop waiting around for him. Stop waiting in the wings if he is with someone else. That will make him lose respect for you. There must be respect if there is to be love. The two do not operate independently of each other. No one can love someone they have no respect for.
I got over the end of an 8 or 9 year relationship where I was cheated on and he even got another girl pregnant during one of our “breaks” and didn’t even have the decency to tell me about it. He was seeing me while living with this pregnant girl and didn’t even tell me. I found out only by accident. I have been through pure hell in relationships but I told this loser it was over and I’m sure he married the girl but I couldn’t care less now. I just cut it off cold turkey and went on with my life. I eventually fell out of love with him because I met much better people in life and therefore I lost all respect for this loser. I wouldn’t be his friend for all the money in the world.
Listen to Susan’s advice and read her articles on here. She knows what she is talking about. She lived through heartache and abuse and came out better than ever. Good luck to you.
Lisa Anne
Lisa Anne,
Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I’m so pleased you were able to fall out of love with your ex. I’m trying, but I cannot get him out of my mind. You mentioned the article on “loving and taking care of yourself”. I’m new to this site and don’t know how to find it. If you can direct me to that, I would be most appreciative. Thank you again and thanks for your thoughts. I’ve been so preoccupied with my own unhappiness and forget that I’m not the only one who has gotten hurt. Your message was truly a comfort. Thank you again.
Lisa Anne,
That is VERY good advice. I’m glad you walked away from that loser boyfriend of 8+ years and
never looked back. You are one smart cookie. We have to let go of all of our exes, but the ones who really disrespect us, they need that serious kick to the curb without one more second of our attention.
JSTBB,
Lisa Anne knows what she’s talking about here. You can’t be loved and respected by someone
else if you don’t first love and respect yourself. Self-respect in this case is going to have to start with absolutely No Contact with this jerk. I can’t believe the way he has treated you. Pick your dignity back up off the floor and start communicating about your pain to the people here, a therapist, support groups, trustworthy friends (who will no go back and forth between the two of you and keep you tied to him), and in your journal. Write it all out. Do not share it with him.
READ SUSAN’S BLOG–A LOT.
Put yourself and your recovery FIRST. You deserve tons better than what you got from him.
Get hugs from people who love you. Lots of them. Everything is going to be o.k. again. You will see. Trust the recovery process, even when it’s hard. I’ve been there, thought it would never stop hurting, and am doing great. You will too!
Hi JSTBB,
You are welcome. There are a lot of wise people on this site who are going through painful breakups who give great advice along with Susan (the author of this blog). To access the Loving Yourself article (along with the newest articles/blog entries) just click the top of the page here…the blue section that says “Getting Past Your Past The Blog”. Or click the “Home” button on the tool bar on the top left of the page. This will redirect you to the newest articles, the newest entry being entitled, “Unequivocally Dumped” (which I can relate to…lol). Scroll down the page and it’s around the 9th or 11th article title down the page. Try reading a lot of the articles. They are very helpful.
Lisa Anne
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/01/28/loving-yourself-being-good-to-you/
I’ll post more tomorrow but I wanted to send that link along. Welcome to new posters!!
I think Susan touched on this before, but your silence and refusal to communicate with the person and move on speaks louder than anything you can say. It is also the first step towards re-gaining your self-confidence and self-esteem back.
JSTBB-
Be patient. The process does not happen over night, and just like the rest of us, it is a very long, painful, and difficult process towards getting yourself back to where you need to be.
I’ve always used this analogy that I made up and even though it is a bit odd, it makes sense:
Getting out of a bad relationship is like having some disease on one of your arms or legs and it needs to be amputated. You don’t want to cut off your limb as it is painful and unpleasant. Your other choice is to keep your limb, and slowly allow the disease completely destroy you.
Sometimes in life, we must take 10 steps forwards and frequently 9 steps back. The thing in the end that matters is that one extra step that keeps moving forward. God Bless.
Dear Kathy, Lisa Anne, Susan and Michael,
By your responses alone, I feel so much better now than I have in a very long time. I’m not crying at this second either! I know it’s a rough road ahead and I know that an hour from now the saddness will come back. Reading what you wrote and knowing I’m not alone is also a comfort. As I mentioned earlier, this is the first site where I felt I was not alone. I’m so happy I came across it. This site is not only an inspiration, but it’s also necesary for anyone’s road to recovery. I only wish I came across it sooner. Words cannot express the gratefulness I feel right now. Thank you all so much.
[...] to Getting Past Your Past – there are 3 phases of [...]
Hello all,
Thank you very much for all of your posts, I have found this extremly helpful on my road to recovery, as it feels like I’m fighting a disease.
It took me a long time to open my hear to someone and we moved quite quickly, he was my first in every way. In the end his coldness got the better of him and he pushed me away. The way he handled it was if I had lost my job, not someone I had shared my life with for 8 months.
I’m trying to stay positive and keep my head up, I have to believe there is someone out there for me.
Thank you for the website though it has helped me quite a bit
I’ve been the one to fight for the survival of my relationships when they’ve gone off track or ended temporarily- but with my recent break-up (seven years together, my longest) I’ve let that behavior go…and I feel like I’m just allowing the situation to become truly unresolvable. How do you know when it’s time to do the necessary work described in this fantastic blog, or continue trying to remain open to the other person? I was able to steer even this relationship back when it ended briefly around the halfway mark..I feel able to grieve when the time is right- but i don’t want to look back at this and realize I could have saved it. I’d really appreciate peoples thoughts on this.
John-
The most important thing in a relationship is the fact that you are working as a team. The point you made about bringing it back ‘halfway’ ? That is the extent that you can bring it back. The other person has to bring back the other half. A lot of times people will get so frustrated and try to pick up everything or bring it all together by only one person. This is unhealthy and does not work. Communicate with the person you are dating and let them know that they need to meet you halfway.
In a healthy relationship halfway on your part is more than enough. The other half has to come from the other person, and the other person only.
Michael I absolutely agree, thanks for writing.
By halfway I meant half way through the relationship (year 3 or so) it was on the rocks and my efforts kept it from ending. Now, she has moved out, and stated that she is not going to give the relationship energy. In all appearances it’s over. But given that there was no big drama causing us to be overly uncomfortable around each other, I can’t tell if it’s recoverable if I try to fight for it, if it’s worth fighting for, and when to just take her actions at face value.
At what point do you stop asking the other person if they’re ‘really’ sure about what they are doing and if they are considering rekindling the relationship, and just let it go? Without animosity between us it’s kind of confusing when it’s really unrecoverable..Can folks share their thoughts about this please, I’d appreciate it very much.
I have 3 and a half months since i my ex fionsai left me. She gave up on me while i was sick. She was previously married and she always had something to off load. Just because she had a marriage that didnt work out i certainly do not have to deal with her luggage. I realise now that i gave her too much and she gave me next to nothing. In a relationship if 2 people are not willing to meet half way through the good and bad times, its not going to work.
I just came across this site by luck and its the best written article i have seen.
John-
My relationship was similar in a way. Things were bad for awhile before we broke up. I think that if your partner is not willing to put in the energy then that is an indirect implication that she is not willing, whether it be at the moment or ever.
The best thing would be to seperate at this point. One of 2 things will happen:
1. She realizes what she lost and will change and put energy back into the relationship
2. She does not think it is worth her time and lets you go.
Right now you are kinda in limbo and it is not something you should be settling for.
John
I think maybe if you are serious about rekindling the relationship and neither one of you have made a decision to let go, you both need to talk. Communication is extremely important and it’s the only way you both can determine what route to take. It needs to be done in an amicable manner so that no one gets needlessly hurt. Michael is right about meeting halfway or in the middle. I never really considered that a factor in my past relationship. Maybe if I had, I would have saw the light a little sooner. A relationship will not work out in the end if it’s one-sided. Actually, I realized this yesterday. Better late than never.
Michael, thank for your blunt comments. I’ve not yet lost my sense of humor so I did actually laugh given how spot on your points are.
In your situation, did you tell her that if she wanted to reconnect you would consider it? Did you make a thorough break and leave the ball in her court? I think in addition to the fundamental need for people to meet halfway, we do also react to each other and decisions get made as a result. She could be in a state of some consideration that would disappear if she percieved my openness was gone.
My urge is to continue telling her know that I would at least consider continuing the relationship when/if she wants to. This urge produces two feelings: that it’s probably the only way to save it if it’s save-able. And two, it’s an uncomfortably weak position that leaves me vulnerable and and in the limbo you mentioned.
John-
Those are good questions, and you are the only one that can answer them since you are the one that knows her best. I will share some information about what happen with me and maybe it might leads you to the appropriate decisions:
When we broke up, I chased after her for a good 3 months. There were more than just one instance where (post-break up)I would tell her how I felt and how I wanted to be with her. This happened on atleast 3 occasions I can remember for certain. Some people are like this and some are not, but it became very evident that my ex did not respect me and she was too busy enjoying herself going out to the bars and meeting new friends that our relationship was no longer worth her time.
When it came down to it, I told her we cannot be friends because the break up was not mutual. I also stated that it hurts me to stay friends as I don’t deserve to go from being a lover to just a crappy friend. Upgrades not downgrades. That was it. I didn’t really say anything about reconcilation. After that it was on to ‘no contact.’
Knowing her, she’s somehow got a weird way of justifying her thoughts and actions in her head by some weird rational. I’m sure my whole ‘no contact’ thing was what she needed to be ‘mad’ at me in order for her not to feel guilty. I have not contacted her, and I honestly don’t think she’ll ever contact me again either. So that was that. It was tough, but it needed to be done.
Staying friends was degrading and disrespectful to me. On top of that it let my brain hang on to false hope. I couldn’t change that. My mind is just stubborn and no matter how many times I reminded myself it was over, my mind would not accept that.
No contact has been the best thing for me so far. It has allowed me to reclaim my self-respect and dignity. It also has allowed me to speak my actions vs. saying over and over again.
If she wanted to reconnect, she’d have done it during the 3 months that I wanted to. If she considers later on, well that’s too late for that now. Even after my break up, it was still always about her. Her feelings, her not feeling guilty, her remaining friends, all her.
I’m through playing that game, and those followings months after my break up was the hardest time I’ve ever experienced in my life. It is time to start doing things for myself now.
Michael thank you again for sharing your thoughts and story. It’s kind of amazing that in the face of clear facts that a relationship is over we still hang onto hope. I can’t think of any analogous situation where we can ignore the truth so thoroughly..but I’m not sure thats always a bad thing. I guess I do need to ask her again whether she is truly done or is in a state of some consideration, if perhaps only for my own process.
I’m sorry you went though your own hard time, and it sounds like you gained some real perspective. I’ve certainly appreciated you sharing it with me.
I was just reading Louise Hay this morning and something she wrote really struck me…We usually take care of ourselves the way we were taken care of as children. Why would I stay in a relationship that offered me so little of what I wanted and deserved? And then why should I continually suffer by not going through the grief process and moving on? I want to learn to take care of myself better than that.
Hi Susan, Amazing post and looks like you had walked the talk. The analysis is so complete that it puts anxiety of personal behaviour to rest.
Hi ,thanks for the great advice above in this blog. My situation is raw and fresh. within the last 10 days. Here’s the short version. I went out with a person for about 6 weeks. Not along time but alot happened . Very intense and I developed major feelings. Well the long and short of it is I lost control of the steering wheel so to speak. My feelings became such that in the end I started to get out of context. Theyre were some yellow flags coming from her but as much as I tryed I couldn’t keep my poise within them or myself. I am sure that had something to do with her leaving . But Like you said there is no way to figure it out. She broke up with me in a short thankful yet ambigous email .No face to face. contact. This was after 10 days removed from last contact not sure if I was ever was going to even hear from here again. Well I did try to contact her and she would respond to phone calls ,emails or anything . . Today “Valaentines day of course” I decided to write her this long letter asking for forgivness asking her to come back and telling her how I was going to correct things(stuff I had alredy tolder her in other emails she never responded to). But I realize after reading your blog it’s a letter I must never send. I have to work through this on my own. It will have a better impact on my future. Thank you for this great comfort you provided me.
Charlie
Actually correction she wouldn’t respond to phone calls ,emails or anything . is what I meant to say
Good for you, Charlie! She’s already given you her answer
by not responding. Keep your dignity and work on the things you identified in the letter,
but do it for YOU and for the next lucky lady to come along. :)
Thank you for all sharing, it’s so helpful to know I’m not the only one going through this, I feel like I’m slowly making progress and then I feel like it happened yesterday, it’s been a month now.
I know that in order for me to be open to the next man to come into my life I need to deal with this grief and although it is very painful deal with it slowly.
What do people do when they get the urge to call the person?
Keep in mind my boyfriend sent me a check for $11.25 the difference in the electricty bill with a pair of socks I forgot the day before valentines day.
Slowly moving on…
I would like to say I have just come across this website due to searching for a way to heal from a 9 year friendship and an almost 8 year marriage which has broken up 1 month and a half ago.
I was the one to end it as we werent getting along for the last 2 years despite both our best efforts.
We have 2 children together they stay with him because that is what they want, it hurts to not see him and the kids everyday and everyday its like a rollercoaster ride where my emotions are up and down all the time and to read all of your comments has reassurred me that things will get better in time.
I want to thank you for this website as its helping me to heal and thank you for all your comments they have been very helpful in letting deal me with the grief I feel daily I wish you all the best in life and hope that you all will find what you are looking.
Take care
Take your time
Peace Love and Light
Belinda,
Sorry for you are going through. Please continue to read as there are great people and stories to assist you at this time.
Good Luck and Best Wishes on your process.
I just now found this site because I could not focus on my work. I am in pain. I hope anyone who reads this will try not to be judgemental when I say a 4 year long distance relationship with a married man ended Monday night. I had taken 2 days off to be with him. Thank goodness, I had at least one day to try to recover enough to keep my eyes from being swollen shut from grief. I have made some terrible mistakes. But I am human, and my grief is very real. The “break-up” was really bad. I made the mistake of pressuring him to tell me that I meant something to him. He got mad, told me not to touch him and then he just left. I stood there stunned. I’m stunned now. It’s helping me to type this out. This is my first blog ever. That’s how desperate I am to find some sense in all my actions and how I could be in love with someone who is usually mean to me. Why am I grieving over this person who I know will never be with me? Will never be the person I want him to be? Am I – is my character flawed beyond repair? I’ve never had great self esteem. But this blow, I’m thinking, will need some professional help. I will continue to read every day the Emotions of Grief. At least that way, I’ll know I’m not going insane. Thank you.
LDMoon,
Welcome to this site. Being desperate was what helped me on my journey to heal. I cried plenty over someone who was never available to me. All of us have our stories. Our stories get us here and they are how we help each other.
Reading “the mourning theory” and other posts on grief helped me see how I was coping with sorrow and pain. In learning about grief — and abuse– I have learned how normal my feelings are. I am learning about healthier behavior. I’m worth it, and so are you, LDMoon.
I look forward to reading your posts.
Seeif
Thank you, Seeif, for responding without judgement. Grieving too much for a lucid response. Check back tomorrow.
Hi LDMoon. Let me first say My heart goes out to you in your pain. I posted here just recently too for the first time. It’s surreal isn’t it?! I went through somthing different breakup wise but I know how shocking it all is when thing are one way one minute and anther way the next, where it’s like you never even shared anything at the end by the way your treated as they leave.. Here is what I have learned from here that I think really helps. “Reject the Rejector” now in my case(not yours) I had to take responsibility for my self and say ok I feel this way, this is how I need to make myself better going forward and I am not going to accept that my life does not have a future after loosing people that ment so much to me and I thought I meant something to them too. Please read the and the title is tough , unequivically dumped” article. It will really help . It has kept me going the last few days. Yesterday for me another burden was put on top of my breakup grief when I got a review here at work that wasn’t great. But you know, and i don’t know if your spiritual, but I said God take me in the direction you really want me to go in because I obviously have been going in the wrong on according to your will and destiny for me. Anyway. I hope something I said brought comfort here. I have lived 50 years of life so I know at least this much.. that bad times don’t last forever..good times come and go as well as bad. Life is what it is. but there are more good times coming for both if us. I know it! Hang in there!!
Charlie
Thanks, Charlie, for your words of comfort and encouragement. I’m sorry to hear that you must deal with work-related issues, as well. The office is my only sanctuary right now. You hit on something that I’ve been thinking as well that kept me up most of the night, and that is that my head knows I have no future with someone who has meant so much to me – but how do I get my heart to agree? I don’t want to accept anymore that this “part-time” person has been a “full-time” committment for me. His MO is to wait a few months until he thinks I’ve gotten over it . . . then he pulls me back in! I need to get some self-worth & fast before that happens. Talking it out really does seem to help. And knowing there are people like you and the others here are struggling and overcoming gives me hope. I need hope.
Thanks, You Bet, I guess in some strange way it’s a blessing that people who dump me never want to get back with me again. Although it makes me feel as good as I have tryed to treat them that it doesn’t say much for me and what kind of impact i had on their lives. But on the other hand it must be hard to keep getting lead back by someone only to be hurt again. All I know is reject the rejector made sense to me because at some point we have to know we are good people and the right person will benefit from all of this sorrow, You do have hope that’s for sure and the abcense of hope is dispair, which is never an option! I have two boys ages 10 and 7. They are the root of my hope . Dont give up I and others are here for you.
Thanks for the comment WorkingOnIt I will continue to come here from time to time for guidance and to help if I can. I’ve been blogging my thoughts and feelings down and that has helped alot for me makes me see straight for some reason I dont know. Maybe this might help others.
All the best
[...] the Emotions of Grief During a Breakup post, we know that a component of grief is the need to search. It’s normal and natural and [...]
i was in a relationship for almost seven years with the woman of my dreams. i thought we were the best of friends. we had a great relationship so i thought. one day she woke up and said i’m leaving and i’m not happy anymore. three days before she left she was having sex with me telling me how much she loved me and could never live without me. it’s been 4 months since she left and no contact. how does this happen? i never did her wrong in anyway. i suspect it was out of guilt for something she was doing behind my back but it’s just killing me not having any closure . can someone please give me some insight on what may have happend from an outsider point of view. i just don’t get it. i still have to think someday i will know the truth because how could someone look themselves in the mirror everyday after pulling a stunt like this…
This truly was a great post. My girlfriend of six months broke up with me a little over a month ago and I still think about her every day. It’s just hard because we were such good friends for so long and we liked each other on and off for three years before we went out. That’s what makes me think we’ll get back together. Do I want to? Yes. Although I don’t know if it’ll ever happen. It’s just so hard because I see her nearly every day at school and we both hang out with the same group of people. I wish she was on the other side of the world. It’d be so much easier getting over her. I don’t know what I should do…
Welcome to the blog! You might want to read this post as well. Thanks for sharing!
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2007/12/29/1229-tftd-when-the-person-you-love-doesnt-love-you/
Dear Ronald T.,
Unfortunately, it does happen. For me, not having closure was the first thing I experienced. My relationship ended at 10 years and he was already with someone else two days later. He didn’t even tell me he was leaving. I went to pick him up for dinner and a move which was planned a couple days before. He was wasn’t home so I left a message on his cell and waited. He called me back about 15-20 minutes later and told me he met someone. It hurts, and there are and were so many unanswered questions. I know for you it probably seems that there is nothing more important than those unanswered questions. Ron, this happed to me the second time by the same person less than three months ago. I have been coming to this site regularly for a little more than three weeks now and it’s helped tremendously. Unfortunately, I did not realize it then, but if I did not accidentally stumble onto this site, I don’t know where I would be now. At first, those unanswered questions drive you crazy, where nothing else seems to matter. Keep reading Susan’s site and keep a journal. It really does get better. I know you probably don’t believe it now, but those unanswered questions are not as important as you are. In time, you will see that. I now realize that I probably will never get those answers, but for me, those answers are not as important anymore, as getting over it. Most of the time, I’m past the question part, but I still have a long way to go. Sure, every now and then I still question myself looking for answers because when he left, he took all my feelings and emotions with him and left me to pick up the pieces. This site has helped me to realize that I can cry, feel angry, etc. More importantly, I now know in time I will be better off than I was. You will see that eventually. Please keep reading Susan’s site. The first article I read when coming to this site was “The Emotions of Grief During a Breakup” which I read on more than one occasion.
I tried to get closure this weekend, and I tell you I feel so much worse. For me, I should have stopped while I had at least of shred of dignity. I had almost 5 days behind me. Now I must start all over with “no contact”. Please, God, let this be the last time. For anyone out there contemplating a phone call. Don’t. Just don’t. Hopefully, you have a “I wan’t to call him” buddy that you can reach out to instead. I have one now in place.
Thank you to everyone here for the advise. Maybe now, I’ll begin to take it.
LDMoon-
Been there done that. I think everyone has. Susan had a great quote ‘Stop going to a dry well for water.’
I was also at the point where I could not maintain no contact. Every time I contacted nothing positive came out of it, I just lost more of my self-respect and dignity.
Once you maintain no contact, youll feel much better about yourself. I guarantee it.
LDMoon- forgive yourself and concentrate on YOUR LIFE now. Make this a super beginning for the rest of it.
Dan,
Are you talking about college?
Are there any guy friends who aren’t in your group that you can get to know and start to hang out more with? Some distance while you make sense of things might be good.
Ronald, just a guess, but something close to that has happened to me too, and it turns out the person I was with has huge issues with committment. They are fine for awhile, can get close, but then something (invisible to us) triggers their fear, they become anxious and just need to get away. Just disappear. Then they will either take right up with someone else in an effort to minimize what they felt or after awhile they begin missing you so much that they will come back/make contact. I hope for your sake your ex does NOT contact you. It is more painful/prolonged/harder to deal with when they keep coming back and trying to suck you back in. Because no matter how much they swear they love you and won’t “run” again (mine even got therapy for his issues, didn’t help!!) they WILL RUN if they have true, deep seated comittment issues. And it is the most painful thing to deal with. Its easier to just be dumped, straght out and left behind. Good luck, stay strong…you will get thru this.
This describes my ex also. Pia Mellody’ s describes this behavior in “Facing Love Addiction.” It was scary for me to consider this as a possibility, but it was accurate in the case of my ex and me.
Take care.
Seeif
Thanks Michael and Serenity. Amazing how the encouragement from perfect strangers seems to really help. All I’ve done today here at my job is Google “How to heal a broken heart”, reading everything I can get my eyes on. This paralysis is excruciating.
LDMoon:
It happened to me last week too. Don’t beat yourself up – I didn’t. These things happen.
For me, it all started innocently enough. I had to interact with my ex for work – we hadn’t done that in awhile and I was feeling great. The weekend before I actually remember thinking, “I’m finally happy, welcome to stage 3 of the grieving process.” The loss was finally incorporated into my life and I was moving on. I’d forgotten what it was like to feel content.
Then came the unavoidable interaction over the course of two days last week. The first day was awkward at best and I could feel sadness coming on (I used to be able to talk to her about anything, now nothing was comfortable). The second day, after resolving our work issue, we got into a personal discussion about boundaries, friendship and why we weren’t together anymore. I believe my ex is a good person, and will until the day I die, but that doesn’t mean I’m was not hurt, angry and bitter over the way it ended. During this phone call, my ex patiently listened while I explained, vented and generally said all of the “if I could just tell her one more thing” statements that have been dogging me for months. She interacted with me during the phone call, and stated her position in a calm collected manner. I was left with no doubt that she’ll always care for and love me. She even told me she was sorry for the way she hurt me.
Wow. Closure, right? I should be so happy. I got to say everything I wanted to say and then some. She apologized. Life is great!
Not so fast. All this conversation did was dredge up emotions I had worked my butt off to contain over the last few months. And I had contained them because I stuck to the program here, I did my grief work, I maintained NC unless it was absolutely necessary, I sought and obtained professional help. By the end of last week I was suffering from the worst grief recycling episode I’ve had since New Years Eve, all because I got what I wanted: the ability to have that last “closure” contact with the person I loved, but who has now moved on in her life.
Here’s the moral of the story for me. Don’t seek closure, it doesn’t exist. Closure is a fancy word that has no practical application to the broken-hearted. Stick to what’s real: your grief and your grief work; you and your happiness; your future, not your past.
Still Standing,
You’re so right. There’s no amount of questions answered or statements made that can fill the gaping hole in my chest that used to be a loving heart – working through the pain is the only answer. I must stay focused on me, which is so not my character, you know? I made an appointment with a therapist today, at the urging of my family. Positive step. There’s one.
Believe me, therapy is a huge positive step. I never journaled until last week but I do now. It’s amazing to look back on how far you’ve come as you read your journal. In the aftermath of this recycling episode my journal was filled with sadness and despair. Today, I feel much better.
When we do our grief work properly, it’s not like we become bullet proof – relapses and recycling episodes still happen, but those episodes seem shorter in duration and more manageable.
Good to hear you are feeling better. Gives me hope that I will to, one day. I don’t have internet at home, so journaling starts tonight.
Hello Everyone,
Ok…. for those of you who know my story… I finally talked to the ex for that one last time yesterday to hear what he had to say (nothing that made sense) and to let him know that I don’t want him contacting me hence forth. We spoke for a couple of hours (yes, and it is concluded that I’m not meeting him face to face for our last talk etc… no… on the phone it was done). In the conversation I kept asking so many questions, he gave weird answers… I found out more and more unexpected things about when and how close he became with this new girl he has fallen in love with at the same time he stopped talking to me and left me hanging…. today has just been a whirlwind of heartache emotions. I was NC for 3 weeks, but then I had to talk that one last talk, otherwise he’d think we could still be friends or talk to me like nothing has happened. There is some relief that the talk is over…. but now all over again it’s like okay… now it is 100% over… it feels awful… I’m very upset since yesterday… could hardly work today, can’t stop talking about what the conversation was like etc.
I was doing a little better with NC I guess and since I’ve been on this blog I do understand however hard it is to maintain NC… it is a must and the thing to do… so from today.. unfortunately for the rest of my life (or atleast a few years…. I doubt I will ever talk after that, but now that is how I feel)… I will have to maintain NC with this ex. It’s very very hard… I feel so broken.
All my questions are around… how and why he could do what he did to me…. I got to know more about how far he is in this reln with her that he knows hardly for 2-3 months and that too it is a long distance reln…. (I know for sure it won’t last, I donno why he’s even carrying on with her… she lives in another country now!)… seems like he’s just using her as a rebound.
The ex said he was sorry, but not more than that… he didn’t express remorse where he’d want to do something to make it better (he asked once if there was anything and I said no), he also said that he just felt attracted to this other person and he just went ahead (wtf?!)…. it was an awful conversation…. now all over again I feel abandoned, alone etc…
Well guys… now the hard part is I have all these gruelling expressions and emotions inside me that want to get out and say things to him… it’s so hard to hold them inside, I don’t know what to do…. but I know I have to maintain NC and I also know he and I can never be friends after the very very poor way he has treated me.
His explanation of why he didn’t call me for 3 weeks (and dated this other woman and even slept with her) after yelling at me is coz he was angry…. but how does that allow you to not even end our reln properly and go ahead with someone else. >:(
I’m a mess now… I’m angry, torn, frustrated, sad, mad… everything…
I know I was better before doomsday yesterday… so I have to get back on track and be strong.
All the support is much appreciated. Thanks.
Sad Anna
Anna,
So many similar threads with what I experienced. The *betrayal* is just so hard to get one’s mind around. And yeah, the ex kept asking me “what can I do”…maybe love addiction is at work in your ex’s case also, but in the end it really doesn’t matter why the jerks did it.
I find it hard to believe that someone who I spent so much time with and considered my ‘best friend’ could have done something like that, and I find it hard to understand that I’ll never talk to him again in my life (but this is *really* true- I managed to piss him off at the end of things :D good in the long run).
But if I were standing outside of myself and looking at the situation I would say:
- Was he a true friend? (I always felt that he didn’t respect me- that’s not the kind of friends I usually have!!)
- Did he bring positive things into my life? (He did nice things sometimes for me, but a lot of the time he was an emotional burden and a person who just didn’t seem pleased to hear from me! Again, is this the kind of friend I usually have and/or want? NOOO!)
- If I *really* had the chance to take him back would I want that? (Away from him, I was able to see not just the good & sweet things about him, but the way he didn’t treat me well and invalidated me all the time. And then of course, that final betrayal. What a self-absorbed JERK! I am *SO* better off without that guy. And I think you are too.)
- A good, honest person ENDS A RELATIONSHIP before entering one with another person. A *healthy* person ends a relationship before getting together with another person. Anything else seems sick, dishonest, and *selfish*. (Do I want *that*?)
I understand how talking with him again messed things up more. It really is an NC issue. NC keeps us much more *balanced*. But we still have this grief made up of loss, betrayal, guilt, habit, dreams. It’s not been easy for me this week either.
It’s a real relief to have found this site and see others at various stages of getting over The Breakup.
My boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago with a cold ‘I just don’t love you enough’. We’d been on and off for two years with him constantly breaking it off and then persistently pursuing me. Which I allowed and in fact probably hoped for throughout, making constant excuses for his often terrible behaviour. This round was more serious than the others with him introducing me to all the family, inviting me on a family holiday and claiming to be really serious about commiting only to pull away again after I’d started to trust him.
I know (in theory) I’m better off and that an end to two years of pain is a good thing, but I’ve been achingly sad and have been doing a lot of work to start building myself back up. I still do actually miss him terribly and have yet to figure out why. But while it’s tough, I can see an end to the tears and can see there is an opportunity to rebuild my life and self esteem which has been really battered over the course of this relationship. The advice here will really help with that.
But. We not only work together but we sit opposite one another (yes, stupid, yes, probably the reason for all the getting back together). I’m looking for other work but for logistical reasons it will take months before the situation changes – it’s also really hard to find the energy to look for work while dealing with breakup pain. So no contact is not exactly an option. We don’t talk at all outside work but at work he doesn’t leave me be, cheerfully sharing details of his family, asking after my friends, making the same inside jokes we shared while together and acting like nothing ever happened between us and we’re great chums.
I’ve tried civil and cold, I’ve tried friendly and light. I’ve been through extreme sadness and a bit of denial as well when I actually fell into the everything is fine pattern he seems to want to maintain. I’ve had to admit to myself that I just don’t matter to him very much even as a friend and he is not going to help make this easy, and have now hit the angry phase. Where I’m definitely not (though I desperately want to be) is at indifference. That seems to be his territory alone. On the weekends I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but seeing his face 8 hours a day just makes the grief so intense!
Has anyone had to deal with seeing their ex all the time? Is there anything I can do to keep this from impeding my recovery other than get out of the situation as soon as I can, given that it’s going to be months away?
Hang in there Jen. That sounds like such a tough situation. While I don’t have any ideas about recovery, I can tell you that I wish I had moved to a new apartment soon after my NC started so that I wouldn’t have the environment encouraging me to go back to my same old habits of thought. But I thought that I couldn’t even stand one more bit of stress, so I stayed. But I decided to get out yesterday, and went ahead and called about an ad.
Do you think it’s possible that you might use a connection to get a good job more quickly?
i broke up with my boyfriend of almost 5 months a few days ago. we are freshman in college, and although i know 5 months isnt that long of a time, we were pretty much inseperable. the thing is…when i first got to college, i broke up with the guy i was dating for 8 months previously because i was afraid that i needed to do my own thing at school (since he was 3 hours away from me now). little did i know at the time, that decision was a big mistake on my part. i met another guy (the one im grieving over now) in my first few weeks here, and i was totally infatuated with him. i thought he was cute, outgoing, friendly, fun… and he liked me. we spent time together for those few weeks, and he kept telling me he wanted to be with me and only me and didnt want to hook up with other girls, etc. etc., but i kept saying i needed time becuase i had just gotten out of a previous relationship. then i find out a week or so after he tells me he “wants only me” that he ends up sleeping with some random girl that he met at a party. while i know that we werent dating so this wasnt technically cheating, i was disgusted because he told me differently and at that point id started to have feelings for him. i was angry and stayed away from him for a while after that, but he appoligized and seemed as though he regretted his decision that night. stupid me…i looked past it all and i said hes still a good guy, he just messed up. we began dating not long after..i spent all my time with him and his core group of friends who then became mine, because it was still the beginning of the school year and they were pretty much my only real close group of friends here. i basically lived in my ex’s room because i had roommate problems and it was comforting and easy for me to stay with him and his roomie, who had become another one of my good friends. well… there were many red flags during our relationship that i looked past, and i think now i should have left a long time ago..i think.
we would bicker and have little stupid fights all the time. he wouldnt let me talk to other guys, and i had trust issues with him too because of how our relationship started with what he did with that random party girl. he loved to drink, yet everytime he did, it would only intensify those fights that we always had. hes gotten violent with me twice, one night he pushed me and threw my phone so i coudlnt call my dad because i threated to since i felt like he was being disrespecful and i was nervous. i think i should have left after that, but he appoligized and said he didnt remember it and he was so sorry, etc.
another thing with him was that i always had this constant feeling in my stomach that whenever he went home he was doing something wrong, like seeing his ex or other girls. in fact, his ex gf left me message one day telling me that everytime he went home to work he would cheat on me with her. i showed him the messgae and he flipped out and called her, but she didnt answer so i never got closure with that, i just took his word for it.
all of our close friends would tell me, you guys need to stop with these stupid fights because we dont even want to hang out with you anymore its getting so ridiculous. so we broke up over christmas break, and then i took him back when he called me crying and sent me an email of this long list of things he was going to do to make us better. my concerns with him were our constant fights, the underlying mistrust, the fact that he is very unemotional and i am one of the most emotional people there is………. i felt like we werent compatible but i couldnt leave and didnt want to leave because i was so comforted by being with him because hes been all ive ever known since coming up to school. we just kept falling back into this tunnel. so after i took him back and we came back to school here for 2nd semester, nothing really had changed. some days it was okay, and other days it was just unbearable becuse of the fighting.
recently, i also had been hearing rumors that he had “cheated on me alot” and one of the incidences was when the roommate of a girl who he had mentioned a few times in the past as being his “friend” (say her name is alex) , told me that alex was someone who corey had cheated on me with not too long ago. ironicallly. i was shocked when her name came up as one of the people he was supposedly involved with. he had talked about her so it didnt seem too unbelievable, but i was still shocked and so hurt because despite our fights and everything, he was still my bf and my best guy friend here. he keeps denying they ever did anything. i dont know.
a few days ago, i finally said to him that we were going downhill and i just cant do it anymore. he was like “ur right, so its over?” and i said…you agree? yeah it is. and he was like alright then, and we talked about giving eachother our stuff back. and that was it. and we didnt talk for a day or so and i cried becuase i was shocked that i actually ended it and i was being strong and not falling back into him again.
ive been seeing alot of him recently, at a party i was at the other night, he showed up and asked to talk to me in the hall. he was like i never cheated on you, etc. and he started to yel at me and when i tried to go back upstairs to the party, he tried tripping me down the stairs. i didnt really think too much of it beacuse he has been like this with me before. i went back in the party and he came up to me again and it turned into him pushing me and then i tried to push back in self defense and he grabbed my arm and twisted it.. alot of guys saw and kicked him out of the party and were yelling at him saying how disrespectful it was. i was crying because i was in shock becuase of that, and crying of course becuase the break up is still so real.
that was on friday night… its now monday night. he brought my stuff back to me and gave me a letter saying how sorry he was that he didnt respect me enough and i deserve better and he wishes he could have me back but he knows now this isnt a joke, and i am serious in my decision. today i brought him his clothes back, and we were alone in his room for about 30 mins. we talked a little and i said i had to leave and i started to cry because it was just strange leaving a place so comforting to me in the past, and leaving him. i guess to me it was closure, but he didnt cry or anything.
now i get text messgaes from him, about 4 a day saying… “im bored” “this is so hard”, sending me pictures of places that remind me of him. i cant get away from him and everyone is telling me i need space, but its so hard when hes so close and we live on such a small campus. its also so hard becuase all of my good friends are his good friends, so i cant hang around them or i just get 10x as emotional. so now i have to deal with not having him, and not having those same friends around as much.
i am proud of myself for not giving in so far… and i dont plan on doing it at all. im pretty sure this is what i need, becuase i know myself and my morals and although we had alot of good times, we had more unhealthy ones than all else. im trying hard to get him out of my mind, even though its only been about 5 days… he just wont get away and i guess thats his way of grieving is to keep talking to me, but its making things alot harder for me… everytime i see him or get a text from him, my stomach turns upside down.
i dont understand why im having such a hard time when i know he is an unhealthy person and our relationship was so unhealthy as well. i know i need to be strong and i will be… but how do i keep going about doing it?
=/
My post about love addiction was in response to Mona’s description of someone with committment issues: how some persons pull away as soon as their partners move closer.
Pia Mellody’s book on love addiction helped me, for a several reasons. A couple stand out. One, it describes a specific dynamic that occurs between two people are in what she calls a love addictive relationship. In the dynamic, one person is seducing then witholding, or chasing then running. Whereas once the other person begins moving toward the one seducing, a switch often occurs in the seducer; and suddenly he or she — the seducer– begins witholding.
While it is a dance that takes two: often the seducer makes a really hard play for the other. The seduction is really intense: the seducer may not even know the other person that well but comes on strong. If you’re the other, you almost feel like a spell is being cast upon you. But because this is a love addiction dance( in which no one is truly able to connect), as the other begins expressing a desire for closeness, the seducer stops the seduction, and, seemingly overnight, the seducer starts withholding. Suddenly, the other is hearing things like “you’re too demanding…you’re too needy” or being criticized about virtually everything. The seducer may pick fights which creates distance with the other. The seducer is backing away, and in running mode — the chase is over. The seducer who is in the witholding and running mode may take off with another; or, make life so unpleasant , the other person ends it. (That’s what happen with my ex.) Either way, the seducer has pulled away. And what’s confusing is: when, or, if the other pulls away from the seducer(who is still witholding or running) that may be the trigger the seducer needs, to start the dance all over again — to chase and to seduce the other.
The second reason this book helped is, it describes what role the other person assumes in the love addiction dance; the role in which I was cast.
Mellody says that while the seducer is doing his or her seduction-then-running thing, the other is often feeling abandoned, and begins to “need” more and more from the seducer who’s not there, either emotionally or physically. The other now becomes the chaser chasing the seducer. But, at this point, the seducer has pretty much checked out, and moved on down the road. He’ll stay down the road til he meets someone new– if he hasn’t already– then start the dance anew with that person. However, sometimes the someone down the road leaves or becomes “too needy” for the seducer, so the seducer might give it another go with the previous other… do the dance with her all over again — that is, if she let’s him. In my case, my ex hasn’t tried to resume the dance with me, so far.
So learning about love addiction( which does apply to me and my ex); how the dance is danced: MY part as well as his, helped me clear up a lot of the confusion; the hot then cold behavior of my ex. Mellody’s description helped me to see how the dance gets danced no matter who the partners are; to see that until the dancers see the dance, and their parts, the dance just keeps getting danced over and over and over again. That’s the addiction: both partners are involved. The seducer keeps wanting to get away, and the other keeps trying to get closer.
I don’t think all people with committment issues are in this addictive dance. But I believe my ex and I were doing this dance in our relationship. Reading this book helped me look at my relationship with my ex but more importantly, it helped me understand myself better. What I did in the relationship that was unhealthy, and why.
The book tells me that if I get into a relationship with someone who is a seducer/withholder, he or she will keep doing the dance …’til he stops, sees, and changes his or her behavior. But for the seducer, that’s often a big IF.
Meanwhile, as the other, I’ve got my own behavior to face.
I put this out there for anyone who’s interested.
This one page has helped me a lot. I plan to read more from this site. I did a google search and came across this. I’ve been married one year and have an impending separation/divorce on my hands. We’ve been together 5 years and I fear I’m going to ‘lose it’ but have to keep telling myself to be strong, it’s for the best (he was abusive), the future will be better and brighter.
Thanks seeif for the posting. It elaborated on some of the stuff I’ve read briefly about.
abbie,
Get a new cell phone number. Get your friends to watch out for you at parties and keep that guy away from you. This sounds kind of serious and dangerous. Remember that all of us deserve the best in life, and from what you say, he ain’t it.
Seeif just pegged what I’ve been going through for the last 4 years. I’ve been stuck in this hell never understanding why there would be wonderful times, then all of a sudden, it’s as if he turned the switch to “off”. He even told me not to touch him once! Then he would disappear for months. Only to start the chase again. What that does to someone’s self-worth . . I can’t describe it.
abbie,
Another way to stay strong is to get professional support.
Seeif, LDMoon, I’ve also been dancing the dance for a long time, know the hot and cold of what Seeif describes as love addiction very well. We would break up, usually initiated by me but forced by his awful behaviour, aloofness, sometimes even bordering on emotional abuse. He would go away for a few months (usually to someone else who he treated the same way as me) and then start pursuing me again (usually just as I was recovering and thought I was over it). Importantly, he’d come back claiming to be willing to give more than before, claiming to be really serious about commiting to me. And I’d believe him and off we’d go again. And LDMoon, he would stop touching me too and tell me he wasn’t attracted to me after months of chasing me. Not so great for the old self esteem.
The word of warning I’d have, and I don’t know if you find this, but there was a big pitfall for me in reading about love addiction and commitment phobia. Yes I recognised the patterns and it was comforting to have it explained (and if I’m to be honest, comforting to know that it was largely his problem and not just about me being not good enough for him or him not liking me enough). However, I found it really tempting, once I understood it, to try to ‘help him’, alleviate his discomfort with relationships, and even use it as ammo by being aloof with him but giving him just enough so that he would turn on the chase again.
Don’t do it! This stuff is good to understand but we’ve probably all spent more than enough time trying to understand them and their patterns. The best I’ve found after understanding this phenomenon was to let go of him, let go of trying to figure it out or fix it (which I did for years) and focus on myself instead of investing/giving away any more energy to the game. I’ll tell you, it takes some strength!
Good point, Jen, regarding your warning above. Well put, I think. Wondering
about their afflictions, issues, problems, fears, motivations–it all keeps
us caught up in their lives and heads, and we’re supposed to be OUT OF THERE.
We have to be smart and not turn any useful tool (like a book) into another excuse
to stay hooked into the drama.
Thanks, Jen and Kathy. One of the last things I said to him was that I can’t play the game anymore. I realize now that I want to alleviate my own discomfort and try to understand, possibly for the first time, why I behave the way I do in relationships. He’s someone else’s problem now. I’m just left with the pieces, once again. And my heart and stomach hurts constantly. All I know is, I need to be ready for him the next time. Because I can’t help but think there will be a next time.
thanks for everyones advice but the thing is i’m 31 yrs. old and it seems people in general are just real shady. i have never done anyone wrong friends or girlfriends. it just always seems that everyone ends up turning their back on me or stabbing me in the back when i’ve always been so honest and trustworthy. i have stuck my neck out for people numerous times just to have my head cut off. i just don’t get it. i’m really getting to the point where i have a hard time trusting anyone. when i was younger i had a lot of friends and it just seems at one point or another that trust ends and it’s over. i just don’t know if my expectations of people are to high or what. i just want people in my life that can give the same effort towards a relationship that i give and they just never do. is the problem me or everyone else? i left a post a while back about a girlfriend that walked out on me almost seven years into our relationship. now a friend of mine of 16 years has just turned his back on me when i have never asked him for anything. i’ve just always assumed with all the times i’ve been there for him that if i ever needed anything he would do the same. the favor i asked of him was something that was so simple and could not hurt him in any way. some of the things i’ve done for this friend: iv’e lied to the police for him when he got in a accident drunk so he wouldn’t get a second d.u.i. i said i was driving went through court lying for his ass. i’ve had my head kicked in when he got jumped because he was running his mouth i didn’t run. i got him the highest paying job he’s ever had. this is the thanks i get. my life is just caving in one thing after another and it just makes me want to snap!!! are there any honest trustworthy people anymore who don’t just claim 2 be until shit hits the fan. thanks for your response
Ronald. I feel the same way! I have such a hard time trusting now that I actually get anxious when meeting new people. I used to be very outgoing and loved to party with friends but now it is hard because I have seen the true side of some and I don’t trust myself anymore. I was also an amazing friend and girlfriend. I was always honest and constantly looking out for others, and yet I have been stabbed in the back and left behind more times then I care to admit. I too have been told that expect too much from people but I don’t understand how after you have given all you could to a person, how not expecting a fraction of that in return is wrong. I don’t ask for as much as I give, but at least a basic level of respect and understanding. My bestfriend of 7 years turned her back on me after my boyfriend of 3 broke up with me. I have NEVER done anything to hurt either of them, and have literally helped them through the hardest time in their lives (his parent’s divorce and dad’s attempted suicide, and her father’s death, mothers mental illness, and her own attempted suicide). I will never understand how someone can turn their back on a person who loved them so much. I value people far to great to ever do such a thing, especially in their time of need.
I don’t really know what to say, or have amazing uplifting advice to give, but I am right there with you Ronald. And it scares me and breaks my heart daily.
LDMoon,
I know what you mean about using the knowledge about relationship addiction to help your ex. I actually did try “to educate” him about love addiction. But the thing of it is not only can’t you educate or advise someone out of behavior/addiction, but the effort often sucks YOU further into your part of the addiction /illness.
As a person who was seduced and chased, then emotionally abandoned, it helped me and my self-esteem to understand that the dynamic between me and my ex was some kind of addictive ritual for the seducer. However,… as the person who also participated in the dynamic, I had to learn about my own part in the love addiction.
What reading about love addiction did was to clarify what goes on in love addiction, how it works, and who does what. However, I had to realize that I was participating in this sick behavior but in a different way. Reading Facing Love Addiction made me realize I had a lot of work to do. I realized that work would involve uncovering the reasons why I GOT pulled into this dynamic; to look at my own vulnerabilities, my own attraction to this seduction and flattery–despite SEEING a number of red flags early on that I ignored. The heart of my recovery has been: why DID I ignore those red flags.
I had to acknowledge my need to be filled up with emotional intensity — the main ingredient of the addiction. And, to look at my own emptiness that attracted someone like him.
Learning about the addiction, and what was his part, helped me to put the focus on myself. That’s what I’ve been doing as I recover from the love addiction: focusing on my issues. Finding out what losses to grieve from way back, as well as doing relationship and life inventories.
One thing I know about addiction is you are powerless to change another person. You can only change yourself, heal yourself. Denial is something that is sewn up in each person, and the threads of that denial can only be unraveled by the person who possesses that particular denial. I can’t unravel yours, and you can’t unravel mine.
But if I keep an eye on the colors of thread in my own denial then at least there’s a chance to pull mine apart.
I may have misled you. My motive in reading about love addiction was to look at my behavior — as well as his– in this love addiction dance. Also, I wanted to understand my OWN codependent behaviors in the context of love addiction.
My focus is on my recovery but the book helped me to see the whole picture. And, learning that my ex and I were probably in the throes of a relationship addiction that had more to do with fantasy (mine and his) than reality, helped me let go.
LDMoon, I’m worried about the next time too, and then worried (and guilty) when I catch myself worrying that there won’t be a next time. But you made a decision and it’s something to be proud of!
Our situations sound all too similar. For me it helps to try and seperate two things: 1. the real grieving i feel because i miss him and the good times we had, and 2. the pain of rejection and shame of selling myself short for too long. I think the first is manageable and understandable, and there is great advice on how to get through it on this site. The second (for me at least) is an ego thing and that’s something I’ve had to recognize and am working on letting go of. I’ve got this compulsion to set things right, prove he really does like me behind the front he puts up when he pushes me away, and recover my bruised ego. That only leads back to the game – believing the next time will be different when it’s always the same, making excuses for his awful behaviour when he comes back. I think if I can let go of the attempt to mend my ego within this relationship, I can (as you say) remember NOT TO PLAY and make my decision stick. And then we get the chance to rebuild real self esteem instead of trying to get it back through them.
It’s uphill from here! Take care of yourself.
Seeif & Jen,
Your posts have gotten me through the first hour here at my job. I’ve read and re-read them and am amazed at the similarities of our situations and the pain we’re all feeling. I think I will wait a few weeks to get some time behind me before I read Facing Love Addiction. I’m afraid I’ll turn all the guilt on myself right now. I think back, 4 years ago, and can see so clearly that I didn’t want to get sucked into this relationship. It then began, as the seducer game, to him. I see that now. But where I was then in my life, it’s like he KNEW he was going to wear me down. I let him have access to all things me. Then he only wanted access when it was convenient. Then I let him have access without all the romance & emotion (he no longer wanted to talk about “I love you”, etc.) Then, as the final phase, I took any crumb he would throw my way. I instincly knew when I could push and when he would run away. I am trying to cope with allowing someone the use of my body, only to leave, listening to me beg, and he didn’t look back. All I’ve ever wanted was for him to think “highly” of me. To think I am a worthwhile person. How can he if I don’t feel that way myself?!? Jen, the second part about selling yourself short is the root of my problem. That’s where I think the professional help is going to help the most. Thank you both so much and look forward to more of your thoughts.
LDMoon,
We are worthy. These days, LD, I try to focus on the ways I ALREADY do respect myself;count the ways I have self-respect, now.
One big one is I come to this blog and post. It takes courage to face myself, my break up, and who I was in the relationship. In the 12 step group I’m in people say there are two ways to use FEAR: You can Forget Everything And Run OR you can Face Everything And Recover.
I believe we’re doing the latter. And it takes guts to do that, in my book.
Take good, loving care of yoursef LD Moon, today. YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Now, you have time to think ‘highly of yourself’.
Seeif
Thanks, Seeif. I like that anagram. I’ll definitely keep in my the latter! At least I have a good job and I do get respect when I’m here. I can build from that. And this site is wonderful.
Jen, LD Moon/Seeif…sounds like we all suffer from the same/similar twisted situation. They keep coming back with more empty promises. They keep us in the game by saying all the wonderful things we want to hear, it will be different, I’ve changed, I’m sorry. blah blah blah. (mine even got therapy for awhile when he finally admitted he had a problem). Like Susan has said so many times “when someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM”. We love them so much we want to believe the lies, it just takes time to understand that they might really believe it when they say it at the time, but WE know better…we’ve been thru the vicious cycle and it never gets better, or if it does, not for long…and then the whole game starts over again. Its exhausting and demoralizing and I am done. It is very difficult to maintain NC with someone who constantly manages contact (we work together so he has my work email, which I can not change). But I’m getting there. We just need to stay strong. I am looking forward to the day that I can just laugh at the pathetic mess he has made of something that could have been so good if he could have just gotten it together. But, I’m done playing that role. I need to fix myself, I can’t fix him, he is too broken.
Jen, LD Moon/Seeif…sounds like we all suffer from the same/similar twisted situation. They keep coming back with more empty promises. They keep us in the game by saying all the wonderful things we want to hear, it will be different, I’ve changed, I’m sorry. blah blah blah. (mine even got therapy for awhile when he finally admitted he had a problem). Like Susan has said so many times “when someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM”. We love them so much we want to believe the lies, it just takes time to understand that they might really believe it when they say it at the time, but WE know better…we’ve been thru the vicious cycle and it never gets better, or if it does, not for long…and then the whole game starts over again. Its exhausting and demoralizing and I am done. It is very difficult to maintain NC with someone who constantly manages contact (we work together so he has my work email, which I can not change). But I’m getting there. We just need to stay strong. I am looking forward to the day that I can just laugh at the pathetic mess he has made of something that could have been so good if he could have just gotten it together. But, I’m done playing that role. I need to fix myself, I can’t fix him, he is too broken.
I have been a mess full of anger and hurt since sunday… the last time I talked to my ex. I have not been able to maintain NC meaning… I have sent him a couple of emails and got replies… the emails are of my thoughts and suffereing, anger etc… I keep telling him what I think of him etc. etc. (Because this was the first time there was any discussion after he cut me off and this was the first time I found out so much more than I didn’t know). I keep telling myself that … no tomorrow I won’t email him, but again I do…this has happened on tuesday and today..wednesday. The replies I get for every 50 lines is like 2 line reply …which is so neutral (no emotion whatesoever) and doesn’t even make me feel better coz it makes me even more angry as it seems that he doesn’t even get what I’m going through or what he did to me. I feel so victimised and I donno how to come out of this. I’ve gone NC before, getting to restart NC is seeming to be a problem. It is so hard to know you will never have contact with this person you were with for 4 years… but yeah, he has definitely been a self absorbed banana head.
I need to get through this. It has been so hard. I hope I’ll have the strength not to contact him tomorrow. I wish I was stronger…..
:( hope it gets better. thanks for the support and thoughts.
Dear Ronald t and Hope,
Along with you both, I too have always given more of myself than what I expected in return. Because I am like this in nature, I’ve noticed throughout the years, it seems like I’m the one who gets bullied whether it be someone at work or my ex who I used to think of as my best friend. There are good people in this world. People that would bend over backwards and never ask for anything in return. I know this to be true because I know two of them. They know me for me and love me just as I am. Sometimes I’m so guilty of feeling sorry for myself because I cannot stop the constant thoughts of my ex and forget about these two dear friends. Despite my abandonment, they are still there. Without them, I don’t think I really have any others which I would call “true friends”. While I know that they probably get very sick and tired of hearing my story again and again, I also know that they would do anything for me if I ever asked. There is nothing wrong with being a good person, however, I wish I knew how to stand up to the everyday bullies. I’m journaling everyday; setting goals for myself (one at a time); going to the gym when I can; and reading Susan’s site every day now. Soon, I hope to regain control of my own feelings and walk with my head held high. It’s hard to love yourself first when you know only how to love others, but I’m working on it. Susan always knows what to post and what to say to make anyone feel good about themselves and the people here I can wholeheartedly relate to. In all the years I was with my ex, I was so eager to please that I forgot about how to appreciate myself. Everyday is a new day and I will be so happy when the day comes that I can honestly say “I’ve moved on”. My ex taught me about using people and disloyalty to name a few. I’d rather be me any day, rather than needlessly hurt someone else. To this day, I remember his words when he told me he met someone else. He walked away from me like I didn’t matter or even exist. Not once, but twice. There are good people. He definitely is not one of them!
Keep your chin up Anna. Have you thought about getting some professional support? It’s someone else on your side.
Serenity,
I actually have seen a counsellor a few times… I won’t be able to regularly see her as there is a high deductible for my insurance etc…Her sessions have helped a little, not a whole lot. I feel posts on this site have helped me more! I do have a few friends I talk to etc…. but this whole thing just sucks sooo much and is so hard. Plus I live alone which is worse… anyway, I have to get back on the NC wagon…. getting back on is soo hard!!! I hope I can pull through.
Thanks so much for your caring thoughts.
Susan, what a great blog entry. It’s good to know that I’m not alone. I especially appreciate your insight about accepting our feelings for what they are and not trying to suppress them.
This March I would have been with my boyfriend for five years. Last summer he had to leave the country for work. I thought it would be for only one year, but then he told me it would probably be longer. After more prodding from me, he said he wasn’t ready for “serious commitments” right now because he was too focused on himself. He is very driven and has a life schedule: at least three years to get established in his career, then move on to a serious relationship that would presumably lead to marriage. We both agreed it was unfair to both of us to continue the relationship. That was in November of last year.
I know we made the right choice when we separated, but I can’t fully let go of him because he said that when he was ready, I would be the first person he would look to. That hope drives me crazy — he might find someone new along the way, someone he would feel deeply enough to alter his schedule for. At the same time, I believe him when he said that he wouldn’t be in a serious relationship for at least the next three years. He’s an investment banker and he usually works past midnight, and sometimes even on the weekends, so he barely has time for a personal life anyway.
Also, in another conversation, I wished him success. He responded that he wouldn’t consider himself a success unless he had his personal life sorted out.
I discounted the idea that he was dangling me — he was being honest as always. He cared for me very deeply. Remembering that, I wrote him a letter on Valentine’s day with — I’m sorry to say — insightful little nuggets. He wrote me a long email thanking me for the letter and also let me know how he was doing and what his short-term future plans are (he’s leaving his current country again in six months), and he also gave me advice about my own future plans. He even said that he thought of me on V-day. He also mentioned that he was managing to go out on the weekends, and I’m pretty sure he’s seeing someone right now.
I’m surprised at the popularity of the “no contact” rule. I have limited contact with him — I called him once in January in response to a message he sent me, and then wrote him in February — certainly unlike the nightly conversations we used to have. I guess this relates to my dilemma: I would like to keep in touch with him because we used to be very close, but at the same time I need to let go. But I can’t let go because there’s a chance we might get back together.
As for me, I am definitely not getting into a relationship anytime soon. My friends, bless them, are trying to live vicariously through me and encouraging me to go out with as many people as I can. I will when I’m ready.
As for my ex — it probably won’t work out and we’ll probably never even see each other again. Is the “no contact” rule supposed to shield me from that possibility?
Anna,
I understand about the expense. Perhaps you can try to go six straight weeks at least, because this early part is the *very worst* and that can help you over it. You can also try groups as Susan suggests. You need to get bolstering up wherever you can.
Anna, Believe me, NC is the hardest part. All of a sudden, I’ll start thinking “I want to call I want to call I want call”. It becomes overwhelming. Then, I remember how humiliated I feel afterward. I take deep breaths and force myself to calm down. My mantra is “Easy, this will pass” I say it over and over again. It has worked for me since Sunday night, which was the last time I spoke with him. Well, that’s 3 days, anyway. That’s all we can do – one day at a time. Good luck. I’m pulling for you!
Anna-
I was in the same position as you with visiting a councelor, and my deductible was so high combined with my relatively low earnings, there just wasn’t a way that was going to be able to happen. On top of that, the potential to have a health related incident on top of counceling would be too much for me to handle financially at the moment.
Unfortunately, this has put me in a position where I have to rely on self-help 100% and makes the challenge that much harder.
I’m sorry to hear about maintaining NC and it is indeed tremendously difficult. I think the first step would be to see where you want yourself to be and what you will do to reach it. Contacting after maintaing NC for so long is difficult, and the worst part about it is that it is like starting back to step 1.
This happened to me over and over again, in the early portion of my break up. I kept believing if I kept trying that eventually the outcome will be different. After several months, it was not changing and nothing was coming out of it. She was the person who made up her mind and that was it.
The only thing that me contacting her resulted in was a loss of my self-respect and dignity.
I hope for the best Anna, and I know since you maintained NC before for 3 weeks that you can do it again.
Not everyone does things perfectly the first time they try, I know I didn’t. Keep your head high and keep moving forward !
Anna,
In “How to Break Your Addiction to a Person” Halpern talks about how these feelings are based way way back in our childhood. So when you have the urge to call, you might actually be feeling something more like a baby would if its mother left the room for a while… This is an awful feeling to have as an adult.
Something like LDMoon suggested is good. You can also try to push other mantras in your mind like “I am loved by my family and good friends” and “I am complete and wonderful inside myself”.
There are also some CODA groups that have online meetings you can attend virtually.
hi,,
please offer some advice to me….
my ex broke it off with me about 3 months ago, the day after i got really sick, i was in shock when he did it, especially being in the state that i was in…i became very depressed, and my health declined, but in the end it will make me stronger.
now the thing is, in december he keeps talking to me online, and i just called him up, and blew up at him because he acts as if nothing happened. i told him to erase my number, etc.
well he didn’t erase my number, and kept calling, and friends kept calling and asking for different people, i changed my number after that.
the problem is, we go to the same school, same program, he is one year ahead of me, but bump into the halls, i look the other way, and direct my eyes elsewhere, and completely ignore him.
he has before told me that he wanted to remain friends, but i know that he would just break up with me again, and keep playing me like a yoyo.
my problem is, i do feel sad, but i have this overwhelming anger whenever i think of him, and think how i allowed my health to decline, i just get anger to think that anyone can be so cruel like that.
i don’t want to feel this way, why do i want to wish him not good things?
bah,
what should i do? i’m thinking of joining the gym to let all the aggresion out…any ideas?
Serenity, Michael and LDMoon,
Thank you guys so much for your posts. Today I’ll be going to my counsellor to pay the huge sum and see if I can afford to attend any more sessions.
Thanks for those mantras… I haven’t been doing any affirmations, I have to start on that.
I’ve just been having alot of rage inside me…so much anger and hurt about how he did what he did… I have not called him once, but it’s that I im him or email him what I think about him and how I feel…. I know it’s not going to change anything, but there is this deep feeling that I want him to know the torture and pain I have felt…. he did respond to a couple of the im’s but then has stopped, coz he knows there’s hardly anything to say that will make it change plus he has already moved on so much with the new girl he is with (it was horrible to get my questions answered when I last talked to him on sunday, I’m still in shock as to how behind my back, without even talking to me about his feelings or seeing how I’m doing….he just has fallen head over heels for her… spending so much money on her… I just don’t get it)… anyway… yeah, last night was a depressing one… today has been a bit better… I just went and got a haircut (which i could have done yesterday if i wasn’t so down in the dumps!) and as I had mentioned earlier in one of my posts…tomorrow I’m going on my second trip planned (no more planned for now) to Texas…. will be meeting a girlfriend there and be back on sunday…. I’m sure atleast this way I will be away from a computer for 2.5 days and be with somoene that I won’t be able to talk abt this issue too much with. So, I hope that by the time I’m back, I can kill this urge to im / email him my continous thoughts.
I haven’t picked up the phone to call or txt him, so Im glad that I feel okay in that area.
Thank you guys so much for your support. It means alot!! I hope we all will do better soon. I will try to be as positive as I can…
And yeah Michael, it does feel like I’m starting from step1, especially coz all these new shocks and information has been reeling in my mind for the last 3 days……
One thing I have to look forward to is a colleague who is in an offshore location will be in our office for work for two weeks… we get along really well and hope to hang out and go places once he’s here next week…..he is just a friend and a good friend… so I do hope to be distracted by his visit…. and hopefully will be better….
These last few days including today have just been the most difficult.
Take care you all…..
ON RECYCLING
Time was when I thought recycling was such a noble concept. I mean it was good for the environment, to which I am so dedicated. What a grand thing to do – to keep all that plastic out of the landfills – all that glass off the beaches – forget about sending all those beer cans to such an ignominious end. No more unnecessary waste, but instead righteous action to honor the concept of recycling, and doing such good for my planet.
Then came The Breakup. The fall from grace. Off the mountaintop and into the mudpit. Grief, and plenty of it. The anger actually felt better than the grief, and I longed for cheap crockery to throw into the walls. It seemed like a nuclear winter had covered my landscape – all was darkness, and not only the plantlife but my very insides were dying. There’s just nothing like this journey, and it’s the trip I never wanted to take, the roadtrip from hell, the vacation cruise you waited a lifetime to experience, and then everyone on board got the bacteria from another planet, and you lost yourself in every way imaginable across the waves.
But at last dawn seemed to be breaking, and the skies clearing. New sprouts of growth from the decimated landscape. Some old remembered feeling called Hope beginning to wriggle free from the mudpit that was despair. Maybe, just maybe, things were getting better. One foot in front of the other, a few miles actually made. Progress. I might actually live through this.
And then, and then…. Some trigger. The one somebody pulled to shoot you through the heart, one more time. Then and only then did I find out about RECYCLING. The OTHER Recycling. Too hell with the beer cans, we’re talking about another round of darkness and head slamming. No, not again. I can’t be feeling THIS again. I’ve been here, I’ve done this. I thought this part was over. One step forward you say? And two more back, sliding into the mudpit, AGAIN? This is not fair. It’s cruel, and I should be better than this. I’m smarter than this, aren’t I? Wasn’t I? Haven’t I been doing all the right things? Haven’t I stayed No Contact? Haven’t I kept positive thoughts? Haven’t I stayed out of his head? Haven’t I said “It Doesn’t Matter” one hundred thousand times? Then Why, WHY, am I back in the station again, somehow having bought another ticket on the train to nowhere?
And who knows why. The eclipse? Drought or humidity? The wrong song on the radio at the wrong time? Being human? No matter, it’s time to RECYCLE. Whoopee. I’ll never look at recycling bins in the same way again. One of these days it’s going to be something that makes me smile. One of these days when I toss a can into properly labeled container, I’ll just be properly disposing of something I’m done with. And really, isn’t that an apt analogy for what we need to be doing with these no longer functioning parts of our lives?
Recyling, yeah. You know what? It’s time to TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE. Recycle away. I hear the trash truck coming now, and it’s a new day.
mattea,
the gym sounds good. try at least 45 minutes of cardio a day if you can do it! also, write a bunch of letters about how angry you are but don’t send them…get that psychic energy out of you where it won’t make you suffer…
Anna,
All therapists aren’t created equal. What I did was call four on the list and interview them…You want an excellent match if you’re going to shell out the $$…
Ah! And I recommend drinking a lot of chamomile tea…it’s a very mild calming tea.
Seeif, it took a while to digest, but your posting about the dance of “love addiction” echoed through my dreams last night as I was sleeping. And I realize that I played the codependent role in that with my ex. I’m interested in hearing about the strategies you’ve used to ‘fill up the emptiness’ and make yourself *not* the person that would be lured by that kind of seduction and intenseness.
And back to our sleep discussion, I’ve had two good nights (mornings it is, in a row). The key affirmation here for me has been:
“He was bad for me, so I kicked him out of my life, and that’s a good thing”
(because he wanted to remain friends, and I went NC forever )
When I wake up early, that’s what I say to myself. I think it’s because I’m still having withdrawal pains- also, I need to work more on ‘filling up the vacuum’ and affirming what I *do* want for myself.
For those who didn’t choose it, it could still work like this:
“S/he was bad for me, so it’s a really good thing s/he’s out of my life”
One other thing that helped earlier on and is helpful now, is to imagine/visualize *being over it and on the other side where you feel peaceful*. It’s a tremendous relief to go there even for a few seconds.
Serenity,
Congratulations on the two days of sleep! I suffer from morning insomnia. Before all this started I used a melatonin oral spray that I got from a naturopath who was treating me for other things. I need to buy some more.
What strategies do I use, am I using to fill up the emptiness? That’s a good question.
Well, I’ve been going to a 12 step recovery group, for friends and relatives of alcoholics: people who are not the alcoholic but who have issues of codependence unrelated to the alcoholic. That’s the main thing. Being a part of a community where I can share my feelings, including feelings of grief, has been vital. (Susan has posted somewhere about how 12 step works.)
Since 12 step recovery is big on keeping the focus on yourself, not the alcoholic, when I go to meetings I have a forum to do just that. The concept of acceptance is also big in 12 step. Accepting where you are. In the worst part of my withdrawal( which lasted about 4 months for me) I would go to meetings and just say, “I accept that I’m in pain,” or “I accept that I feel pissed,” or “lost”, whatever I was feeling. And even though it’s not ,directly, related to filling up my emptiness, that kind of acknowledgement — to others– helped me reconnect to my feelings and MY truths.
The meetings and program have allowed me to affirm my need for nurturance, emotionally and physically. Many who identify themselves as codependent, i.e., giving more time and attention to others’ needs and desires than their own, have trouble recognizing basic needs, like the need for daily nurturance. People in 12 step meeting offer hugs often after meetings, so I made sure I got those, there, or from my friends. I spent time with people who appreciate me and could tell me how.
I reached out to others: asked for help: a thing some of us codependents find hard to do. (But are doing here at GPYP.)
The thrice weekly 12 step meetings have been my foundation for reestablishing myself as myself, and as a single person, again– someone who is unpartnered.
But the most important way I have filled up myself is by doing some kind of creative work EVERY DAY. I paint, draw, do assemblages, doodle sometimes anything that taps into my imagination. It’s the thing that makes me feel alive. I make sure I do it everyday same as eating, sleeping, brushing my teeth.
When I’m doing art or creative stuff I AM in the moment and feel connected to myself. I feel excited in ways I seldom did with my ex, although I think I looked to him and the relationship for that excitement.
Making art, doing creative work is my life force. For others it may be crunching numbers, running track, or teaching…for me it’s creating something out of my imagination that fills me up, ultimately.
I put this on the back burner when I was with him. But it wasn’t he who did this, it was my illness, my codependent distorted thinking: the need to become whatever he needed to be, to forget about myself. It was the failure-to-thrive gear that I had shifted into in every close, or potentially close, relationship.
As far as not being drawn back into the dance of love addiction by a seductive/witholder, well I think when I’m doing all the above, I’m whole. I’m neither ATTRACTED nor ATTRACTIVE to someone like that.
When I’m filled up by who I AM, what I love to do, well, I go into remission from my own love addiction;and, a seductive/witholder addict isn’t getting any vibe from me, to zero in on.
Finally, all of this is about what I have focused on, in my recovery from love addiction….I check in with myself…daily… to see if what I’m feeling and seeing is based on reality. Or fantasy.
Fantasy is the crux of love addiction: both people projecting their fantasies onto to one another, but never really seeing the other person..who that person is. That was true for me, at least.
For that reason, I do a lot, a lot of observing: of what I’m doing, of what I say I want to do, and what I feel. And I pay attention to the same in others. I pay attention to whether I’m living according to MY values.
I fill up the emptiness with the minute by minute living in REALITY. A reality that is true for me. Oh, and I trust myself, my instincts, my intuition when they tell me something is RIGHT or NOT RIGHT.
These are some of my strategies for feeling whole and being in recovery from love addiction and codependence.
I don’t know if this answers your questions.
Thanks for asking. What strategies would you or do you use?
Seeif,
Thanks for the awesome post. I have been impressed by your creativity already in the Six Words postings.
During some of the worst parts of my early breakup period, an even more strong seducer homed in on me. I’m fortunate to say that while getting a tiny bit involved, I knew there was something weird going on. So I didn’t do the dance again. But now I know what the heck was going on. I didn’t realize love addiction was a couples dance.
Although I thought I had learned enough about love addiction, I hadn’t read any complete books, so your posting was illuminating. I think that I have to read that book, and start to understand what part I played in that dance. Hopefully, some of the work I’ve started with affirmations, goal setting, and turning myself into my number one priority will head off me joining the dance again with anyone. I’m liking how during the day, in response to some negative or unnoticed thoughts, some of my affirmations will just pop into my head.
I love that you’re enjoying your creativity and it’s making your life so much fuller. I have a gigantic painting with the background only finished hanging on my wall. I started it when I was really happy, right before things bit the dust. I have to re-do the background (LOL I didn’t realize you shouldn’t add black paint to blue to darken it- it turns black). I need to make the background *bright and light and hopeful*!
So I’m continuing to be able to go back to sleep pretty easily (a streak, yay) when I wake up early in the morning. Here are the techniques I’ve used:
- calling on spriritual help (guardian angel- for those new agey ‘Ask Your Guides’ is good (it’s a little out there, but I’m open-minded)
- Calcium-Magnesium liquid (has a relaxing, calming effect- much better than warm milk)
- chamomile tea and hot baths (I did this when I woke up super early in the morning and couldn’t go to sleep)
- Sedalia by Boiron (homeopathic stuff is good for those difficult nights- and I’ve read there are some concerns about melatonin- you can find homeopathic medicine in most health stores)
- Affirmations that I’ll say to myself when I wake up (especially heading off addictive thoughts with some of my habit-breaking thoughts like: “he was toxic, so it’s good he’s out of my life”)
- Remembering the community here that is so supportive (like Seeif)
- Reading some of Susan’s blogs before I go to sleep (printed out and highlighted next to my bed)
Thank you all for sharing your stories. I am 2 months into a break up and having a difficult time dealing with it. I serendipitously found this site and it has kept me sane! So thank you thank you thank you.
Serenity,
Thanks for your post. I’ve enjoyed your Six Words posts, as well. I just started painting so I laughed about adding black to blue making it more black. The important thing is YOU’RE painting.
I’ve been reading and saying some of the affirmations from Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain. It was first published in the late 70s but it’s been reissued and available online.
Here are some of the affirmations I like:
I am rich in consciousness and manifestation.
I have all the love I need within my own heart.
The light within me is creating miracles in my life, here and now…
and I am now attracting loving, satisfying, happy relationships into my life.
May you have all the sleep you desire, Serenity.
Take care.
Anne, welcome. This site and the posts kept me sane, too. I was affirmed in feeling my feelings: the anger and the sadness. And guided in my grief, and informed about how grief works. And now how to feel even better than I felt before my break up.
Seeif
Dear Susan,
Unfortunately, I cannot attend any of your seminars in New York City at this time. I am however interested in buying the audio best relating to “The Emotions of Grief During a Breakup”. I don’t know which audio or audios that cover this topic fully. Can you tell me exactly what title or titles to look for from the topics section or would that be all of them. I also saw the original GPYP, as well as the GPYP Plus. Would this be the same thing? Also, I saw your “you tube” video on your site today. You indicated that the seminars discuss our defense mechanisms and what to expect when we hear one thing on the outside and how we are going to feel on the inside. Is there an audio which covers this as well? I’m going to start jogging again very soon which is something I used to enjoy doing at one time. In the interim, however, I’m going to start with walking and I believe these audios would be very beneficial for my walks. Thanks so much.
I know you have an extremely busy schedule, but do you have any seminars scheduled in Buffalo, New York?
Seeif, good wishes back to you for a deep sleep from night to morning.
Seeif, you might really like Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life”. It starts out with really good chapters on self-love. Here is a chapter opener (chapter 9):
“In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect,
whole and complete. My life is ever new.
Each moment of my life is new and fresh and vital.
I use my affirmative thinking to create exactly what I want.
This is a new day. I am a new me.
I think differently. I speak differently. I act differently.
Others treat me differently.
My new world is a reflection of my new thinking.
It is a joy and a delight to plant new seeds,
for I know these seeds will become my new experiences.
All is well in my world.
I have Gawain’s book in my collection somewhere too…
On Recycling (too!)
(I love this site, by the way. It keeps me slightly on the sane side.)
I’ve hit another recycling phase and it came without warning. For months, I’ve been seeing a counselor, doing massive meditations, obeying the NC rules, and trying to do what I needed to do.
It has been six months since we broke up, almost to the day. We only dated for about six months (go figure!). It was short, intense, and the breakup completely devastated me. My life literally fell apart and I ended up moving back in with my parents with my stuff in a storage rental unit.
My career almost imploded on top of me because I was so wrapped up in my grief. My job, as I know it, is going to change because my contract is not going to be renewed. It is not going to be renewed because I screwed up one too many times during the breakup. They just didn’t have enough to actually fire me over.
I wish that I could say that I was young and inexperienced, but I’m in my late 40’s. I’ve been married and divorced and have a few other relationships. This is the one that completely bowled me over in a way that has never happened before.
My ex and I had a long-distance relationship. We talked about moving to each other’s respective cities somehow. She found a job at a school in my city and actually got a job offer as a teacher. I got scared and retreated. She got scared and didn’t move. I didn’t move either. Subsequently, we broke up at the end of August.
Here comes the recycling bit…
Last week, I was at a meeting in town and this completely unknown woman came by my table to talk to someone else who was sitting there beside me. I was just being friendly and asked her where she worked. It turns out that this woman got the teaching job that my ex was supposed to get. She said that the principal had called her at the last minute when another teacher (obviously my ex) suddenly declined the job. (It was the same school, same principal, and exact same job.)
Talk about a jolt!!
You know, there is a major difference between hearing a song that reminds you of your past, or passing by a place that you used to go to together. Those things are hard to deal with. But, to have a complete stranger walk right up to you and slap you hard across the face like that, is entirely different.
I wish that I could say that this was a random incident, but so many very odd coincidences have happened since August that are directly tied to the breakup of that relationship, that I’ve literally lost count. In all my years (makes me sound like a really old guy), I’ve never seen a string of coincidences and connections that are directly tied to that relationship. Unfortunately, all these things have just kept the memories fresh in my mind.
What happened last week has sent me back into a tailspin as deep as I have experienced since around Thanksgiving. We had a great deal of unfinished emotional business as it all got cut off so quickly. I miss her terribly (something that has not diminished) and am tired of feeling this way. I am weary of things, like what occurred last week, happening to me.
She’s moved on. She didn’t dump me for somebody else — it was just a good old-fashioned rejection. Sometimes, I’ve wished that she had left me for someone else as it would somehow be more palatable. It would be easier to get angry about something like that. It would be easier for me to reject that rejector.
It just sucks. It really, really does.
JHSBB: Defense mechanisms are not yet on audio but if you download the entire GPYP program you will get the grief and loss. On the right side is a link to download it for $29.99.
When I was originally dumped for someone else, I was sad, devastated, couldn’t think straight, acted like a zombie in my everyday activities, etc. It’s now been three months and four days. I’m no longer really a zombie and starting to come out of hibernation, well sort of anyway. In addition to being sad and down most of the time, I’m now feeling rage and anger at my ex for finding someone else. We all deserve to be happy. I loved him more than anything in this world despite how many times I got hurt. If I love him so much, why don’t I want him to be happy in the end too? I don’t like these feelings of rage and anger and while I know I would never hit him, I feel like it. The sadness I can now deal with better than before, though it’s still there. I don’t want to be around anyone including my friends because everything makes me think of my ex. I don’t want to feel rage and anger, but I do now. What do I do now?
Susan, thank you. I’m going to download it now. I’ll get the defense mechanisms when they become available and I cannot wait to get your book.
Thank you.
JHSBB,
I don’t know about you, but I looked at my childhood and found an historical reason for that extra rage- I was ‘displaced’ as my mother’s number one when my twin siblings were born. I think that historical base is what I pulled into the present to fuel the rage. If there weren’t another girl, it wouldn’t have hit me so hard. And if my past didn’t set me up that way, it would have been betrayal, but much less of a deal.
Thinkingsc,
First, late 40s seems young to someone who is in her late 50s. However, as far as grief is concerned I don’t think age is really the issue. Or, it’s not for me. For me,
it’s more what the grief was about.
My relationship bears some similarities to yours: it was long-distance;it lasted 6 months;we broke up in August; and he’s moved on (to a new relationship.) We,too, planned to spend time together this fall and winter in the city where I live. He’s retired and had been wintering in my city for three years prior to our meeting each other.
We broke up shortly after I visited him for 2 weeks in his city. He was very depressed during my visit, and wouldn’t set a date for coming to my city for the winter. He said he felt too anxious to set a date. However, before I returned home we’d agreed that I’d visit him again in one month. After I returned home(to my city), after a week of talking on the phone daily, he became unreachable one night. This was uncharacteristic. And when I finally talked to him that night, he told me he thought I’d probably be worried(but he did it anyway.) Seeing this(his nonchalance) as a red flag, I suggested we not talk for a week and consider what we wanted. At the end of that I week I realized I couldn’t do the relationship anymore, for a few reasons. Mainly, I didn’t want a long-distance relationship — it was too stressful and disruptive, for me; second, I couldn’t accept his core values; third, my life had shrunk because of the things I’d stopped doing that were important to me. But I still loved him! And I liked and missed many things about him and us.
So when we talked at the end of that week, I told him those things. He said nothing about his own process but said he was “relieved” that “it” was over. But he still loved me.
We said we were going to remain friends but he didn’t call or contact me on my birthday, a week later; when, I called him two weeks after that he told me all the reasons why he wanted to break up with me; and, it was pretty much down hill from then on. He sent me two cards after that phone call telling me he was “glad” we were still talking, in one; then, in the other, telling me he neither wanted nor could be in a relationship–with anyone.
The blaming phone call along with his declaration about his not wanting a relationship sealed it for me. I swore — to myself– that I would never call him again. And I didn’t. I also didn’t contact him in any way. For three months.
During those three months I grieved: I went back and forth between feeling pain and anger, and pretty much thought about him everyday, I’d say. Then, I started working on an art project and felt I was getting more into my daily life. I felt the loss but I felt I was letting go.
Then… I got a Christmas card from him!
In the card he wished me seasons’ greetings and asked me if I had a new boyfriend. He was curious, he said, because HE had a new girlfriend. After telling me how they met and her age, he told me ” he was feeling really good” because of his new gf.
Well, getting this card was like someone slamming me against the wall. It didn’t matter that I had also rejected him, what mattered was HE HAD MOVED ON and was telling me he was feeling GOOD.
Suddenly, I was dealing with rejection,.. big, BIG, BIG time. Whatever grief I had lain to rest suddenly resurfaced and, gathering momentum, with all its new grief/rejection smashed into my fledgling life like a merciless tsunami
For the next month, it felt like I was treading water most of the time. I burrowed into my self-help books; talked, talked, talked, and talked some more: about grieving, about loss, about ANY feeling. I did this at 12 step meetings and with others who were going through their own grief or loss. And when I could, I added myself back into my life. A life that was based on a fantasy “we” became a reality “me.”
Shortly before Valentine’s day I completed an art project which involved mourning the relationship. It included photographs we’d taken of each other and of us together. I also included postcards he’d sent me at the beginning and toward the end. At times I thought, I can’t keep remembering these good times. But I had a hunch that this was a important: to transform the experience of being together then saying goodbye. The sculpture went to an art gallery where it was seen by dozens of people.
That seemed to be a turning point for me…in the recycling of the grief. And from that time I’ve been thinking and feeling more about my current life ,and what I want to do,
and less about how we were and how sad it had to end.
This is a very long post, but maybe you can relate to some of it.
It seems that grief, and the recycling of grief, is very personal. So even though people’s circumstances may be similar, how we experience grief can be very, very different.
Thanks for your post.
So the question is, what has to happen in our minds so that we don’t get thrown back so far, or perhaps don’t hardly care at all? I avoided a social event last weekend because an acquaintance of his would be there, and I know if I saw him he would ask me questions or tell me things. And I would have to deal with that. Where do we have to be so that we don’t care? Does our grief have to be more completed? Do we have to be much more full of our own lives?
That’s a good question, Serenity!
I think that we all try and avoid those things that will remind us of the immediate past including social gatherings, mutual acquaintances, etc. That is a natural reaction to experiencing such a loss.
It is when we get blind-sided in unexpected places by unexpected people that we cannot protect ourselves against it. My experience of having a total stranger deliver a blatant reminder to me almost goes beyond random chance. It is a long story, but I would not even have been in the meeting had I not broken up with my ex. I had to go to this particular training meeting because of my poor job performance, which was greatly caused by my emotional breakdown after my breakup.
My therapist calls it synchronicity. It has happened a great deal to me in the last six months and is really starting to wear me down.
I’ve wondered about that , too. I think the triggers that have been most difficult occurred when I least expected them. The ones that seemed to come from nowhere, or, at the least likely time. The ones that were unpredictable. It’s the unpredictabiliy that threw me off balance. So part of defending myself, (or preparing myself) against being sent into a tailspin is preparing for the triggers when they occur.
How do I do that? Well, I do it by imagining situations (that might occur). and how I might feel if they do? Then, I rehearse the feeling, e.g., the pain, I might feel. I run it by myself, sort of. And decide whether I can handle it. (This may seem weird but it’s been effective in a number of siutations, for example, with former employers or coworkers when I had to return to a former work place.) Testing the feeling keeps me from being surprised when the feeling arises.
In addition to imagining the feelings I might feel with a trigger, I imagine what I might say or do, i.e.,leave the premises or call a friend after it happens. I come up with several self-care plans: contingency plans to take of myself.
Mostly, I figure out ways to make me feel as safe as possible when I am triggered by seeing someone who reminds me of my ex. I prepare boundaries I might use in situations like that.
Creating safe plans to protect myself, in the event some trigger might threaten me back into grief, seems to work. By preparing in this way, I feel less vulnerable and more confident to deal with whatever may come my way.
Knowing I can take care of myself centers me. It allows me to walk with courage, rather than with fear, as I move through my life and through my grief.
Hi there… I’m sick at home today with flu like symptoms…. I was in Texas this past weekend visiting my girlfriend… I did push myself to go out and try to keep busy etc, but my head was only reeling with thoughts from my ex’s betrayal, the hurt etc. I feel my immunity went down and I fell sick coz of my mental state….so..couldn’t go to work today and I feel awful that this has become something I’m trying to fight so much and get out of.
I journalled for about 3-4 hours this past weekend…hoping the cycling thoughts in my mind would alleviate or become less, but after I’ve fallen sick, I just think lying in bed.
I have so much anger in me that he’s able to move on so much (because he had silently stopped feelings for me, but strung me along) and I’m left here not even able to lead a normal daily life let alone jump into bed with someone else…geez.
Just needed to vent guys… thanks for your awesome posts… hope we’ll all be better soon. Good luck for progress…
Anna, remember-
YOU ARE YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY!
Also, give yourself a little break and make some new synapses in your brain- take a moment and visualize yourself completely over it and back to feeling relaxed and happy. It’s one thing that gave me some peace when I was where you are.
Thanks Serenity, right now I’m just recycling sooo much I can’t tell you. I feel awful…like the 3 weeks I stayed NC was of no use… I guess it’s coz the realities from the last talk with the ex are all still reeling in my mind. I’ve been meditating, I’ve been journaling, I’ve been crying, talking to friends… feeling everything there is to feel.
I did find out that for a few more sessions I can see my therapist (somehow pull it through my budget)..so I meet her next week and plan to probably meet once in two weeks so that I can space the visits out and maximize the benefit.
I do feel terrible now… more coz of shock and disbelief that he could just go and cheat on me behind my back and his concious told him nothing…not to think of me, not to think of us , not to stop…nothing…. plus I also felt like he never even fought to save our reln etc… all those kind of thoughts are making me stuck… I gotto get out of being stuck! I read the blogs on deciding to move on etc… and yes, I want to get unstuck and move on and wish this wasn’t so much of a struggle.
I have still maintained NC so far….. but the hurt hasn’t dissipated… maybe it will take more time.
I was reading an article on rejection and found the following that I thought made sense:
Rejection:
Is rejection ever justified? In my opinion, this would be similar to asking if it is ever justified to blame, fault-find, or condemn. Rejection begins with and ends by identifying the faults in the other party. It never acknowledges the strengths, the untapped potential, or change-ability of the individual. It is not an expression of loyalty, and contributes nothing to a relationship except to absolve the person blaming from any responsibility to engage in problem solving or remain loyal.
==============
Thanks and take care.
I read that a lot of people are still struggling with their break up of the relationship. Reflecting back I am now noticing that a lot of my greiving is also coming from a sense of hopelessness. This was a difficult line to draw for myself, and I think in regards to my ex, that I am over her in particular. What I am not over is the fantasy that is permanently ended, the fact that my current situation is NOT better than it was before, that the possibility to meet someone while no longer being in college is hard for me, that basically all the odds are stacked against me and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. It is very frustrating, and even after 1 month so far of NC, I still wake up sometimes in the morning full of anxiety over it.
Michael, I feel your pain but you need to get some perspective. You are fairly young, correct? I think from your other posts I remember you being in your late 20’s? I am 49, have a child, divorced, and alot of other people on this blog are older than that and starting over again. No one is saying it will be easy, but the odds are NOT stacked against you. If anything, the odds for you having a new and BETTER and more successful relationship are in your favor, now that you’ve done the work and know so much more than you did before. I understand that you feel hopeless sometimes and don’t want to think about how much more work it might be to get out there and meet people now that you aren’t thrown into it like in college, but please, don’t lose perspective. I know that at my age, with my “baggage” its not going to be EASY, most people my age are either married or divorced and the guys my age all want girls 5-10 yrs younger than them (hmmm)… but I have to have hope that I will meet someone at some point. I think when you are ready and willing to make the effort to put yourself out there (join groups, volunteer, on-line dating?) you will know it and it won’t seem so hopeless. I know I’m not ready to get back out there, but I read posts like Kathys and others and see how it IS possible, and it gives me hope. Don’t give up!! Hope is so necessary to moving forward….Stay strong, you’ve come so far….
Mona-
Thanks for your post. Yes, I am 23, going to be 24 this year. I think that I have a very negative outlook on life, or maybe it is just more of a despair, I’m not really sure. I agree that with me being younger that it allows me to be able to understand and learn from my mistakes, esp. at such a young age. I think I also have a tendency to blow things out of proportion, so when issues arise, they may or may not be worse than what I actually percieve them to be. I have to remind myself this from time to time. Thanks again for your post, it is what I needed to hear.
Michael, I know what you mean about hopelessness making you feel worse and recycle. After you figure out your relationship inventory, figure out what a good partner’s qualities will be. There are probably thousands of women out there who will fit those qualities (internal values qualities) and someday in your future, when you feel whole and strong, you will be able to have a much much better relationship than the one you are still getting over.
I work *hard* to try to stay positive- and it is somewhat helping to combat the pain.
Re-read Susan’s post about Don’t Give Up Before The Miracle Happens.
Michael and Mona,
It is hard sometimes to not slip back into pessimistic thinking. I think I’m out of the “deep emotions” phase of grief, but I lapse into sadness, as I did today about the twarted hope of building a relationship with someone, my ex. Today is the anniversary of our first meeting. It was so shiny and new.
I know now we were incompatible but I still remember the good times. And its hard because I miss those times. I miss the good times I had with him.
It’s also hard to imagine, not so much meeting someone new (although as a 57-yr.-old
woman I may be delusional thinking I can), but investing that kind of emotional energy in a new relationship.
For now, I am focusing on other dreams, and pretty excited about those. I do believe visualizing what I desire is the key for me.
Michael, just know, that what you’re feeling WILL PASS.
Thanks for your positive post, Mona. I needed to read it, too.
Anna, think about all the reasons that you might re-ject that ex. Remembering my ex’s negative traits (pretty many) instead of some of the nice qualities he might have has helped me keep my affirmation about “filling my life with positive people” exclude *him*. Ha!
Today I was saying this affirmation a lot, “I have moved on now, because I value myself and I’m keeping my life positive” (ahem, even though I’m not quite to the first one yet)
Seeif, you are such an interesting, smart, reflective and creative person! It is no delusion that when you feel whole and ready, there will be an interesting and cool partner!
Thanks, Serenity, for your vote of confidence(and all the nice things you said). I am really excited about the prospect of doing something with art — like making a living from it. Sometimes I wonder if the measure of a successful life is about partnering with someone: building a relationship of love and trust with one special person. It seems to be what most people here are hoping for. Sometimes it’s not that important to me… but then I think that may be because I haven’t found a person I can do that with yet. I do want to love and be loved, but I wonder: is it all about doing it with one person? I don’t know…I just don’t know.
What I do know is :there have been a lot of “moments” between when it ended with my ex, and now. Moments of my life that neither he nor any other “special” person was in. But, ya know I’ve had some really, really good, powerful, meaningful, fun, AND happy moments these last 6 months. And moments of my life will keep ticking away, whether I’m with someone or not…and I want to make the most them. I believe can.
On a another note…Spring is a sucky time to have to grieve. If only we could choose the seasons for our grieving.
To us all, we’re here, we’re alive…we’re kicking…hooray, hooray for us all!
Serenity,
Thanks for your note. I don’t know what is holding me back from making a relationship inventory… what am I afraid of to list down whether good or bad… but till now I’ve never made one :( Seems like I’m afraid I won’t have too many negative points?? but there has to be… I don’t know
That is a very positive affirmation. I have listed down a few generic positive phrases I want to start with and then will get more specific.
I also don’t understand after all this grieving why I’m so stuck on ‘how/why could he do this’, ‘how he can say a and do b’ etc… i just don’t understand it… and I know I never will… but just being stuck like this hurts alot. I gotto do something different….something…
Seeif,
I’m glad you were able to have ‘moments’ in the past 6 months and you’re right..it didn’t matter whether you were with someone or not… but they were ‘your’ moments and I’m glad you’re making the most of them.
Good luck for all your new ventures….and thanks for the cheers!
Anna I am 8 months on but still do a lot of ‘why’ ‘how’ and re-live the last awful communication I had from him, when after he dumped me in the most foul way possible – for someone he worked with – lied and deleted me and my son with whom he had a close bond… then 6 months later asked ME not to contact him again (after an email I sent)
BUT I know.. that the positive people and things have come into my life since he left and that I am damned sure I won’t be going back to the old days any time soon..
Yes, I miss him and YES I think about him every day.. but its fading.. like looking in a rear view mirror and seeing the road behind dwindle..
I will never forget how he treated me and the cruel things he said and did.. Maybe he’s happier too, with his new love, I do think of that and say internally “so be it”
BUT I know for me, life is so much richer and I have realised my dreams, or am in the process of realising them.
Take heart…
I wrote all the bad things he did to me.. all his bad qualities
all the nice good things I was for him and all my good qualities
somehow the two lists didn’t match
Do the same and know your worth
Abbyx
Anna,
I really recommend downloading Susan’s affirmation audio before you start trying to make affirmations. She makes some really good recommendations about how to form them so that your subconscious can make sense of them and provoke real action.
Here’s two affirmations I really need in this craziness time where I feel like I’m just falling apart sometimes:
I am safe because I’m protecting myself.
I am OK because I’m resilient.
I have to do these a lot all through the day because I’m recycling through some of the worse feelings…
It has been refreshing to read this post along with these replies. My g/f of 2 1/2 years felt that we were going in two different directions (Hers-Career ; Mine-Wanting a family) and decided to break it off almost two weeks ago now. I have to say that I am extremely upset as this was my one real love and the fact that we were planning on getting engaged this spring and married next year. I felt over the month prior to this that something was wrong but because she was traveling constantly for job interviews that she was just consumed by that. She has now taken a teaching position in New York and yet I still catch myself thinking it can work out even though I know that it probably can’t. I wont lie, I still love her and I’m sure she feels the same but I guess in God’s plan for us now isn’t the time. I guess I just wanted to vent a little bit and see if anyone could me a little bit of insight. It always seems to help me no matter how small!
Thanks and God Bless!
Thank you Serenity for all this help. I will download the affirmations soon. Thanks!
[...] That would be HERE. [...]
I can definitely say that this post has truly helped me, yet, like many people I am still feeling pain. My pain though is starting to revolve less around the actual break up seen; which was an extreme surprise to me since she seemed so happy and we both seemed so happy. She told me that the “spark” that made us a relationship was starting to go away and we were becoming “really good friends.” We hadn’t seen each other AS much for about a week and a half yet I did not think that could be reasopn for a break up. The break up happened on a tuesday, this being my first unexpected break up (15 years old), I did not know I would be feeling these “temptations.” I talked to her the next day and we talked for a good hour about how we could work things our and how we could have communicated instead. I said to her “Im sure you talked about this to all your girlfriends” and she shook her head yes and I said “well that’s fine and all, but one thing that might have been able to save this is if you had talked to me as well about this.” This was just one part of the conversations, but we seemed to really connect during the hour talk and she said that I really made a lot of sense. She later said towards the end of our conversation that i definitely gave her a lot to think about. She also said that she thought I was on the same page and that I wanted to break up too. I told her that she was on page 40 and I was on page 2 (obviously jokingly saying that I was on a totally different page than her). Towards the end of her conversation she told me “well, I kinda regretted it.” My best friend must have seen me talking to her and asked her about it in another period class after lunch (where the conversation happened). She told him she had a lot to think about. The next day she did not come to school. The day after that she did come to school, we didnt really talk at all during lunch, the occasional “hey did you do this in this period” and so on, but it seemed like she was trying not talk to me specifically much. After that we all went to get our bkacpacks and stuff so that we were ready to go back to class. I started talking to her again and was talking mildely quickly and started off with something like (paraphrasing for I don’t remember exactly most likely due to stress) “hey i dont want to make this keep on continuing.” A security gaurd came and told me and her to “go to class” so i asked her if i could walk her to class, she said yes. About 2 minutes later while walking i said “I dont know if this was due to the friend spark or you liking another boy or…” I write the dots because she stopped and was shocked that i would think she liked another guy. She looked away looking as if she wanted to hold in her tears while walking then a efew minutes later she said that she thought it was really rude that I could think she liked another guy because she “still really cared about me a lot.” I don’t understand how she couldn’t think that I would think that because on friday (day i talked to her again) and now she is being extremely flirtacious with lots of guys. Unfortunately, her friends are my friends and vise versa so she is being flirtacious with my friends and she hangs out i the groups that I hang out in. What I guess is truly bothering me is that I feel as if we made a true and real connection again the day after the break up, but then i feel as if I had jeapordized it on friday. Many people (therapists, parents, family) tell me that I have not jeapordized it and I shouldn’t worry. Yet I’m trying to truly say to myself now that is is “over.” I understand that her clock is different than my clock and maybe she does need time for a problem I feel like never should have been a break up situation. Another thing is that now at lunch when i hear her voice or see her, i get extremely sick and my anxiety and sadness maes me go to the bathrook and become, for better words, “physically ill.” I do want everything to go back to nornal, yet seeing her being flirtacious makes me go insane inside. I do not show that though, and now I have stopped talking about it with her and don’t show that im affected by her being flirtacious. This problem has been eating away at me for a week now…yet ive heard the things that are eating at me can help me survive. I’m doing a little better, but I still truly need help. The large talk I had with her after the break up where I THOUGHT i had saved the relationship, two days later where we really didn’t talk until the end where I thought I jeaporidezed it (yet she didn’t have to say she really cared about me still, which im glad she said in the case i guess), and the now ignoring and not really paying attention to what I say…all of this is still making me sick. She broke up with me yet she cried the day she broke up and was crying like all day, really crying a lot. I really don’t know what to even think, I guess I mentally prepared myself for the break up to happen since I knew Im only in high school…but the pain is ripping me apart. A lot of you seem to be going through pain too, and when i was reading the post my Susan and all the posts by everyone else, I really feel as if I can gtet some good advice that can build on top of the adive that my therapist, school counselor, and parents/family/friends have been telling me. Thank you everyone and I hope only the best.
Just an edit, the relationship lasted from the beginning of November until the beginning of March.
Thanks. All of your posts have made me feel that I am not alone and that things will get better. I know we all will.
Thank you so much. It’s comforting to know that these tears are not irrational, this pain is not in vain, and my feelings aren’t melodrama.
I can only hope that one day, these painful, torturous emotions will subside and I will find happiness.
My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years called a “break” in our relationship yesterday. Though I’d felt it coming, it still hurt very much – but I felt strangely proud of her for having the guts to speak her mind honestly. I don’t know what a “break” means if it isn’t a break-up, though. I’m confused and I miss her, but I’ve decided NOT to call her or contact her for awhile. We’ll have to talk eventually, as she has stuff at my place. There are details still to be worked out.
I’d felt for a long time that maybe we weren’t meant to be together forever, but I kept hoping against my gut feelings that things would change and it could work. I really do love her, and I believe she loves me very much, too. But we have a lot of differences. I’m a more solitary person. I’m a writer and artist, and I spend a lot of time alone doing my work. At first, she seemed to understand this, but she quickly became constantly upset that I wasn’t giving her enough attention. My response was that it is good for everyone to have something – a hobby or interest – that they love to do, and can do to keep themselves occupied and engaged, no matter if they’re in a relationship or not. I still believe this is true, but it now makes me wonder if I’ll ever find someone who shares and practices this idea themselves. That is, if she and I do not get back together.
I thought she was too needy. Suddenly, she’s changed, and apparently doesn’t need me right now. It was a bit of a shock, and though I know it’s a good thing for her, and ultimately for us, together or apart, I’m still going through those self-contradictory feelings of, “if this is what I wanted, why do I feel so bad?” But now I know that’s a normal feeling, and I’m not crazy.
I just want to tell all of you out there who are going through things so much worse than I am that you WILL get through it.
Don’t give up. Don’t beat yourselves down for the times that you stumble, or for not getting over it all fast enough. It takes time. No one can tell you exactly how long it will take. If you are patient and kind to yourself, you can become your true self again in ways that you can’t imagine now, and you will thank God that you went through the hurt for the insights and joy you will gain from reconnecting to yourself again. Trust me, it’s true.
This is a TRUE story of something that happened to me a while back:
I went through a very bad breakup about eight years ago, long before I’d met the girl who semi-dumped me yesterday. We were together for three years, and I was very attached to her. I would say I was madly in love with her, but I discovered after the fact that she was not at all who I’d hoped she was…strange, isn’t it…?
But anyway, we moved in together after about 2 and three quarters of those years, and the shit hit the fan pretty quickly. She started to get very demanding, then started avoiding me. It was supposed to be the beginning of our life together, at last, but it was just the beginning of the end. I knew something was up but she insisted everything was fine, but would then say she was going out with friends, and I couldn’t come along, or she was staying late at work, etc… I became so paranoid and obsessed that I followed her around secretly, hoping to get the truth.
It didn’t take long before I had it – she told me she was going to her parents’ house one night, and I followed her to an apartment about five miles from our own. I paced outside the unit I knew she was in – I’d found a scrap of paper on the bedroom floor of our place with this exact address on it, but no name. Instinct had told me to put it in my pocket. I found out later that a guy from her work lived there. That night, though, I didn’t know WHO she was in there with, but I knew it wasn’t her parents, and my imagination was going wild. I knew instinctively she was in bed with another man, and I was planning to knock the door down to confront her and whoever she was with. I am not nor have I ever been a violent person at all, but this one time I was actually planning to let my rage speak for me, something I’d never done before. I was that out of my mind with jealousy. To be really honest, I think the macho fantasy of just kicking the guy’s ass and shaming her was just that, a fantasy. I probably would’ve just caused a scene by yelling, and then crying, but at least I would’ve had the truth confirmed.
But then, something that, in retrospect, seems pretty miraculous happened – one of the neighbors of this guy saw me, a stranger, lurking out in the darkness. Instead of calling the police, he opened his door and asked me if I needed any help. I broke down and told him my whole story, why I was there, that my girlfriend was right this very second in the apartment two doors down from his with another man. He listened. He made me a cup of tea to calm my nerves. Then he told me his own story, which wasn’t so different from my own. How he’d been so in love with a girl, was going to marry her, then found out she was cheating on him with his best friend. He was devastated, he told me; he’d wanted first to kill his friend, then to kill himself. He was going to hang himself in the garage of the house that he’d shared with this woman he thought had loved him as much as he’d loved her. But the night he was going to do it, he realized that nothing was worse than taking his own life. He realized he couldn’t betray himself just because he’d been betrayed, and that he didn’t want his own life to end – he just wanted THIS PART of it to end – the pain and suffering. And he could end that without ending EVERYTHING.
So, he got away from her. He started his own life again. It was hard, he told me, but it got easier, with time.
His story calmed me, and I thanked him. He had helped me decide to move on, right then and there. I still hurt, but I knew I had to do everything I could to get on with things. We’d been talking on his porch the whole time, we’d talked for at least an hour, and by the end of it I had stopped looking over to the windows of the apartment my girlfriend was in. I thanked him for the tea, and as I gave him back his cup, a woman came out of a room inside his apartment. He talked to her briefly, then turned back to me.
“That’s my wife. I met her after the girl I told you about, and we have a son together. So you see, just let it go, man. Things have a way of working out.”
I went home. I didn’t sleep much, but the next day, I confronted her. I got the truth, and within a week, I’d found another apartment. It was still hard for a long time, but I got over her.
I’ve never forgotten that guy.
Now, we’ll see what tomorrow brings. I bet it will be just a little bit easier than today.
2 days and the tears won’t come… Just not able to feel anythingno smiling, no crying people talk and I can’t even hear – how does one access the neccessary emotions?
Carol: trust the process. It will come.
I moved to a new town, and lost my car to a semi the same day. I moved to be closer to my financee. A month before we were to wed he breaks up with me. He’s become hostile towards me (we go to the same church) and has shown off his new girls, and seems out to get me. I really wish I knew the real reason he broke up with me because what he said made no sense, esp. this close to marrying me! It’s been over 3 weeks and most of the time I can be good, but sometimes even knowing he started acting like a jerk to me– I miss him. I feel used and like I can’t trust anyone again. He was my first love. How do you get to trusting people again? I’m trying to date now, but I just– want the pain to go away. If nothing else I miss joking with him, but he can’t, and so we can’t just treat each other like people. I’ve gone through the cycles and my body just seems to shake uncontrollably when anything reminds me of him, or I talk about the relationship at all.
Thank you for this article, I wish I had read it sooner, then I would have not had made so many mistakes. I just thought he’d want me back, if for no other reason than he’s still attracted to me.
Lori,
Why would you want him back? He broke up with you and started parading other girls
in front of you at church? Sounds like a weasel to me.
It won’t help to focus on WHY. You will never get closure if you go that route.
You get closure from letting go. Go to church at a different time or find a new
place to worship. No Contact is the first step to letting go of an ex who
hurt you.
Keep reading Susan’s posts. You will find your way!
Helas, what a beautiful story! Thanks for sharing. You keep me optimistic!
Helas,
I just now had time to read your whole post. It really touched me. I relate to what you
went through and what that man who helped you went through. I had a dark night
a couple of weeks after a breakup that happened more than a year ago. I had to call
a friend just to talk to someone because I was afraid of my despair. I was so very sad and
tired of living. But I, too, decided that I couldn’t give up on me for ANY reason. There
was no way I was ever going to leave my kids voluntarily. But there was that dark, difficult
moment when a whole lot of sadness and exhaustion from hard times tried to get the
better of me. I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and started over once again.
Love came knocking again months later and I took the chance. I’m glad I did. I
couldn’t have if I had not learned that I was always going to be ok no matter what.
I still know that. Knowing that makes all the difference. “Never give up the day before
the miracle happens”, says Susan.
Helas,
Good luck with your semi-breakup situation. Limbo can be trying. Take good
care of yourself.
It’s not something my mind can fully grasp and comprehend that this man I loved so much and seemed to love me too, could do this and that it really is over.
There are times when the reasonable logical part of me knows that he’s a jerk, but there is that nagging thing that he’s just doing it because he’s hurting.
Some days I feel like I can move on, and others I just want to do whatever it would take to make the pain stop.
I have read the post and I have read about half of the comments. I do thank Susan for expressing what I feel and what I need as well. My relationship of 5 years has been over for 3 weeks now. The last year of the relationship was bad. Throughout 5 years, we fought. Because of my and his insecurities, his failures in career, my low self-esteem etc etc. So many fights came upto breaking point, but didn’t break us then. But this fight, more like an ongoing war, broke us.
Every time I told him what I needed from him. Be more expressive as I need to hear words. Both of us were Indians staying in US for studies. We came to US the same year, but got together about 1.5 years after that. Being away from family was taking a toll on me. There was no friend to speak my language. I had devoted my whole attention to my boyfriend by then. So I was feeling torn between 2 worlds: my family and him. I just wanted some connection between the 2 worlds. So I wanted him to learn my language. But he outright refused to learn my language. It became a sore point in our relationship. He wasn’t even going to try to learn it even though it meant so much to me. He also didn’t like that I had expectations of him. Reading some of the posts, now I realize, some of them were too much for anyone. Is it really wrong of me to expect above things of him? Granted, I was sometimes needy and learned the concept of giving space in a hard way. But really, what’s so wrong of me to expect him to be a bit more expressive? His work came always first. Whether I am having some problem, whether we are fighting, he would drop things just like that and go to work. Shouldn’t he at least make some time to fight it out?
But the worst was when I was going through major depression. My studies were going really bad and in relationship, I was feeling quite ignored. I made a suicidal gesture – tried to choke myself. Without any conviction. Just to vent out, feeling completely goner. He was sleeping in my house then. I woke him up to tell him what I just did. He looked at me contemptuouly and said “I have utter contempt for people who take this route. If this is your way of trying to get my attention, then it will not work.” I was shocked… I was hoping for at least a hug and some consoling words, not this at that moment. And I actually believed him.
Not until 2 years later, this surfaced and made me feel so worthless…. He didn’t even care enough for my life as he cared about his morals…. Am I wrong in thinking this? I am not proud of myself that I did this. But I feel he behaved wrongly then. Why didn’t he just hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok? Just some consolation?
And we still had some really good times after this incident. He never appologized. During our fights in last 4 months leading to break-up, I repeatedly confronted him about it. He said, he wouldn’t behave any other way.
I was a bitch sometimes. I was demanding too. But I was mostly scared of his anger. Hence I never confronted him right away on anything. Things would ferment then and go bad. I was a coward to call him on some things. But I love him. I still wish I was in his arms just feeling peaceful. Now I think, he didn’t really love me. Liked me, yes, but didn’t love me. I made compromises for him. Tried to curb my anger for his sake. Became so many things for him. Like I discovered I was a good masseuse since I started giving him massages. Looking at him, I learned to be comfortable in my skin which I wasn’t before. But now I realize, I have no footprint on his life. I didn’t make any difference in his life in 5 years. He blamed me for some of his shortcomings too. I now see, what a jerky thing it was to do. During last 4 months, I asked him so many times, did I even make any difference to him. Was I really worth at all to change? But his answer always is: I didn’t ask you to change, and I am not going to change for ANYBODY. What was I asking him to change? His rage, his inexpressive-ness (is that a word?), his indifference.
Oy… his indifference. Throughout these 5 years, I wished, he would tell me on his own that he DIDN’T like something about me. He DIDN’T want me to do some of the things. But nope. Neither there ever was any expectation of good things nor of changing bad things. I never even mattered to him to get angry by his own. He would definitely get angry if I confronted him about something, then his anger would be all defensive.
So indifferent… I can’t believe. We had good times. How can he be so indifferent?
Even then, in October ‘07, we tried to work out things. My status is US was expiring by the end of October, so I wanted to get married there and be in valid status. He refused. He said, no matter what, he wanted to get married in India, in front of his parents. I could have obtained a valid status on my own, but I Was taking a break from my career. And he sprang his decision on me rather suddenly. His point: just because you wanted to take a break, I am not going to punish my parents by depriving them of their son’s marriage. So we entered into long distance relatioship after October ‘07. Before leaving, he told me, it doesn’t matter whether we get married traditional way or court marriage, as long as we get married in front of his parent’s, it’s fine. In December, when I raised this again, he said, we have to get married traditional way because he thought his parents wouldn’t approve.
Now I am back in India, we have broke up, economy being bad, there aren’t many jobs. Especially now that I am physically out of US, I won’t even be considered for many valid jobs, even though I have a higher degree from Univ there. Once again, I was scarificed for his morals…There is nothing more important to him that his morals. And what morals they are… breaking a girl who loves him so much? Breaking the promise he gave me before I left? In May, when he was approaching end of his degree, I Was taking care of him so much. And he would always say, ‘once we move to job place, I am going to make you happy all the time!’ The first thing he does when we moved there, chuck me out of country for his parents. And he doesn’t even acknowledge that I am actually doing as per his wish. “What else would you have done, your status was expiring anyway.”
I am cycling through all the above emotions in Susan’t post…
I want him suffer so much, but he is not. He never bothered about anything too much. As they say: The pain is no in NOT BEING LOVED, but is in NOT BEING MISSED. I miss him terribly, I am angry at him so much, I am torn because of him, but he doesn’t even miss me…
For me, the road from I to We, me to us, my to our was natural and fast transition. He took a while to get there. A sore point for me at the beginning. Now the reverse road is so difficult. Every time I am telling something from the past to my friends or family, instinctively I start saying “We..” and consciously make it “I”. It literally feels like picking up my thrown away pieces and try to patch myself up. What a road to my wn self…
Lori,
So many of us have experienced something like what you describe. Someone
is mean or rejects us or hurts us and we overlook the hard cold facts
so we can find their hurting inner child and make it feel better so they will love us (or
love us again).
That’s called codependency. It’s unhealthy and it doesn’t work.
We’re not supposed to take care of someone so they won’t leave us. Real love
doesn’t work that way. It’s reciprocal between two healthy, available people
who give and receive equally and who have healed their OWN inner child
first. Caring for one another IS part of real love, but the reciprocal
part is key. Being healthy first (both people) is key.
Many of the books that Susan recommends are extremely helpful for
understanding all of this–and for changing ourselves (not the
other person). Try the Melody Beattie stuff and Women Who Love Too Much.
The titles may annoy you (or not), but the reading is helpful.
take care of YOU first, Lori.
Mayee,
Sounds like you to had to work pretty hard at that relationship. I think that can
make it harder to let go. When we put so much into it and it still doesn’t work,
it hurts and we don’t want to lose our investment, so to speak. But it’s not
supposed to be THAT hard in the ways you describe. Men who are available
and healthy are able to go from I to We just as quickly as women are. If you
are pulling a man into that kind of coupledom, it’s a losing proposition and
you have to ask yourself why you were willing to do that. The books I mentioned
to Lori above may also help you, although there are others, like Harriet Lerner’s
books (The Dance of Intimacy, for example), that you may find insightful.
Try not to focus on what he is or isn’t feeling. That’s another losing
proposition. Another “job” you are trying to do (trying to make him feel
something YOU think he should feel or that you WANT him to feel).
He has a right to his feelings just like anybody else, whether you like
them or not. I’ve been there and I did not like seeing this about myself.
But seeing it and changing it freed me from the craziness, the anger and the
indignity I was stuck in.
Reject the rejector, Mayee. Susan has a post about that–you can search
it on the right.
Take care of yourself!
Kathy,
You are right, he has right to his feelings. But aren’t there ways to express the love? I get that his work is important thing for him. His advisor expected of everybody in their lab to work 7 days a week. And he did. And I am proud of him how much he evolved in his work. But I hoped once in a while he would stay with me, go to movie or something. Every couple-time was hampered by his burden of work. I ALWAYS felt guilty for keeping him from his work when I wanted him to spend time with me. Even when we fought, I used to think at the back of my mind that I am keeping him from his work. I used to think he would detest me for that. Once I made him stay at home with me. He got so bored that he flew into rage and broke our glass coffee table. I was shocked, disgusted, but first thing I did right then was to try and ask him what was so wrong. And he couldn’t ask me that even when I was thinking (and trying) to end my life? I don’t want his respect for this deed, but right then, right at that moment, why did he behave so cold, distant and contemptuous?
Trust me, I have gone NC on him since he called up to say enough is enough. So I am not making him feel anything now. But before… I just thought he behaved really wrong that night. Also he behaved wrong in chucking me out of country. And how can I not feel that he should understand what I went through because of it?
Reject the rejector you say. I know that, I have tried it with my previous bosses. Whenever they judged my performance without understanding situation completely, that’s what I told myself. “It’s not ALL my fault and I am not going to feel bad because of it”. But they were not in my mind, in my heart. It was easy to reject them. He is there. In my mind, I see him indifferent. Even my mind can’t reject him because it conjures up his reaction: indifference. It doesn’t matter to him whether I reject him or not.
I am trying to avoid talking about these things to friends. I feel that if I do that, they will be annoyed after a while. So far, I have been talking to just one friend and breaking down in front of her. But last time that had happened was mid-Feb, i.e. about 5 weeks back. She hasn’t contacted my much since. I fear I have driven her away. I talked to a couple of other friends. But only a couple of times and those were times separated by few weeks, and in between I had good times with them. I don’t want to overload anyone with my burden. As it is my mother hurts seeing how much I am hurting. Telling all these things to friends is the only option. But I don’t want to drive them away. So I am trying to write here.
Every time I wish to contact him or work it out again, I ask myself, what’s going to change? In the last most call I made to him, he told me in no uncertain terms -although he was a bit drunk then- that he wouldn’t change for ANYBODY and it doesn’t matter to him whether I keep calling him or not. And I stop wishing. I need to remind myself how hard it has been and and that it won’t change. Hence I need to write here.
Even my friends in US seem to have forgotten me… I feel so abandoned…. Just a bit of compassion is all I need….
Mayee,
I do feel compassion for you. I also see myself, my past self, in you, which is
why I reached out to you to say STOP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF. People (especially
Susan) did this for me and it made all the difference in my life.
I had to face the fact that I was trying to change someone into someone I wanted
them to be, believed they could be, but WERE NOT. If people want to change,
they change themselves. It doesn’t happen any other way. I had to face the fact
that by concentrating on HIM (my ex) and how I thought he should be, I was
ignoring changes I needed to make in myself. I was also ignoring all the ways
in which he was absolutely wrong for me as he was. Relationships like that
are about a struggle, something we are trying to “win” at, that usually has
something to do with unfinished, un-won, struggles in our past.
Keep reading and posting here. Read A LOT. Journal through stuff. Journaling
is a good way to unload all the thoughts and worries without driving everyone
around you crazy.
Friends DO get exhausted from our breakup stuff if we aren’t doing enough
to help ourselves or if we just want to be right and not really feel better
by stepping back and processing and allowing some of their insights
to sink in.
Be gentle with yourself and patient with the process of recovery. Look within.
Take breaks and have some fun again. Try to let go of the struggle you
have been trying to win and figure out what it was all about for you.
You can do it!
Mayee,
unfortunately the process takes time – but it will get better. It WILL! You have to forget him – he will not change and there will be someone who is right for you. One day someone else will come along and make you feel special. Yes, he is morally correct but relationships are not just about morals. But perhaps he’ll find someone who is moral like him and you’ll find someone affectionate who makes you feel special – a vital ingredient too.
I know you feel like a used shoe but you do have worth – someone will see it.
It hurts… sometimes it hurts so much… :(
All this I am going thru, even rebuilding, re-inventing because of him… But him? No. Hurts. I know, I understand what you are saying, but it doesn’t reach the feelings part of brain.
I feel so insulted… just booted out of my home that I was planning to make. Gosh.. What a thought… He isn’t right for me. He isn’t right for me?? How? Why? Don’t get me wrong. I do have fun lot of times. In a way, it’s good that I am back in India with many of my family members popping in once in a while. Feels good to reconnect with them. I even had a crush on a musician for about a day. But then everything crashes. And I do have morals. But shouldn’t there be a place and time when you need to put other things first? Is he going to behave this way with his children if God forbid something like this happens?
And usually friends would try and talk to both and get them understand each other’s views. Or if one of them behaves badly, ask them why so. He behaved so callously that night.. I hadn’t told my mum about my moment of shame. But after coming to India, I broke down after a fight and told her everything. But she didn’t feel the need to ask him why he played with her daughter’s life…. Sometimes I feel I am making a mountain out of molehill. I didn’t even have any real conviction. But what happened, happened. And I simply feel as if nobody would stand by me… ever…
I am weak. I have always been weak somewhat. But I became a stronger person, sometimes because of him (by fighting with him) and sometimes for him. I am still not strong. There is this need of some sort of nurturing, comfort that’s just not going away…
I am trying. Churning my whole person. Some of the nights I actually say some form of affirmations aloud. I am taking hobby classes, learning new computer language, writing to friends whom I hadn’t written to in a while, searching job. I am trying… And then it crashes… Like some people say here. Moment by moment, day by day, hanging here just for a golden ray. It’s not even dark, it’s just cloudy, my once clear mind, Is now just muddy. And all of the mud isn’t even his brought, I mixed some unnecessary tears; my insecurities, my complexes and my irrational fears. Now my tears are raining, will they wash this mud?
I’m sorry you are hurting, Mayee. I’m sending you a big hug and lots of
reassurance that this WILL NOT last forever. You are going to feel better
once you walk through this, the saddest part. HUGS to you!
Day by day, and know that mornings are the best – resign yourself to crap evenings! When you’ll want to call him, punch him, die etc. But each morning it gets a little better and then one day you’ll wake up and he won’t be your first thought. Tears are good. They speed up the process. And three weeks is a very short time to be apart. My last big break up it took about 4 months before I could stop seeing him in every crowd, restaurant, park, tree… You know everywhere! Big hug.
i found this site when i was trying to find some insight on coping with a breakup. this truly was a wonderful post on the stages of a breakup, and all the comments are extremely helpful. about 2 weeks ago, my boyf of 6 months told me he needed space and time to think about things but that he still loved me and hoped for a future. at first, this was difficult to process as i had not anticipated it. i went thru all the stages listed above, at this point i’m almost comfortable accepting that what happened happened, and that nobody is to blame for it.
one thing that worries me now is the way we left off– things at each other’s places, no closure. in my opinion, its not quite fair to ask for a “break” as it is an avoidance of the problem. its not fair to create false hope. has anyone been in this situation before? and if so, would you prefer to end things here and now so that are no strings left attached?
I guess my situation is a bit unique (and somewhat out of place) to this forum since I was the one who broke off the relationship. Just a few days ago I told my boyfriend of 2 months (I know its not long) that I didnt feel as strongly as him as he did about me. I didn’t want to hurt him even more by leading him on for longer. I “wasnt ready for a relationship” I told him, but I also stressed that it was NOTHING wrong with him, he was a perfect boyfriend in most senses.
Add another piece to the situation, I’d already broken up with him once (about a month ago) then felt terrible about it, thought it was a rash decision, and apologized to him for doing it. We got back together. My rational for breaking up with him the first time was that I was bored (”the chase” was more exciting than getting what I had gone after) and wanted more space. This time (a few days ago) I was bored, but I wanted a LOT more space and gave my decision to break up with him greater thought.
I underestimated how hurt he would be by the breakup (he didn’t say anything to me about being upset but I found out from a friend what he did to cope…) and that upset me. Now, several days later, I’m terribly confused. I think you would call this “searching” but I feel compelled to talk to him, to take a walk, to explain that I’m really confused and conflicted and I can’t tell if I want to be with him or not.
I just don’t know what to do. I can’t decide if I feel this urge to start the relationship again because I feel sympathy for him? Because I’m bored at the moment? I can’t decide, will I be bored with him once again? Will it be better? Do I really want a relationship?
COMPLETELY confused and indecisive!
Mayee, I have some understanding of Indian culture, so I hear what you say a little differently. In the end, though, it does sound as if you ducked a killing bullet. Your ex sounded like a workaholic- quite similar to an ex of mine from Sri Lanka. It also sounds as if you two couldn’t really communicate. As much as they might have good qualities, workaholics are using work to avoid other personal stuff of their own. And your life would continue to be like that, and that’s a lot of drama for a very long time…and your children would have suffered.
In the end, it comes to this- as Susan says in the blog about “Unequivocally Dumped”, if the person doesn’t think *you* are the person for them, then that person *certainly* isn’t the person for you. Staying together with a person who doesn’t really want you sounds like a kind of hell, doesn’t it? Who needs that bs?
I recommend that you start to be really really good to yourself. Treat yourself to some nice activities you like. Talk to yourself and compliment your good qualities. At the same time, figure out what’s going on with you- I’ve done the relationship and life inventories (they are posted here on the blog and they are excellent ways to start). Download all the mp3s. Isn’t it cool that you can be in India and still do that?
And tell yourself it DOESN’T MATTER. It doesn’t matter what the traditional people in your family think (tradition might have some nice picturesque qualities, but it’s also trapped a lot of people in horrible situations), it doesn’t matter what your ex thinks, it doesn’t matter what your friends think- It just matters what *you* think. But make sure your thinking is much more clear by doing your personal work on yourself. I think this will help you as it’s helped me. Also, if you have a spiritual practice, look to it to help you calm and soothe yourself.
You can work through this. You can find more equilibrium. If you do the work, you will make a better future for yourself. And if you want to in the future, you will find someone who matches your new elevated quality of self-knowledge and wholeness.
Confused, I think when I’ve been with someone I’m not sure of, it’s been a bad idea. My two cents= we all deserve to be with people who are sure of wanting to be with us. Relax, calm yourself, and enjoy some new things that you can do as a single person. Enjoy it for a while and see how you feel later.
Hey folks,
Thanks for listening to me so far. Serenity, thanks for understanding me with culture. Although, with me, fortunately, there is not too much of traditions issue, so that way, I am not too bothered. But yeah, I do tend to think A LOT about what others might think about me. I am trying to wade through them.
Since I last posted here, I have been out of station. And now I am again feeling quite alright. I still remember small things, but last couple of days, the pain has been small. Instead of a gaping pang, just a twinge. But unfortunately, the reason could be that I am blunting the pain. I keep thinking about “what-if” guy I had met quite a while before my recent ex. I told this to a friend of mine and she advised me absolutely not to do it. I mean, to get over him, I am getting myself into a “virtual rebound” I think. What a twisted way I have… And since about Sept/Oct ‘07, when things between us reached really really low, I had started thinking about Mr What-if. Lot of issues to work out. I just don’t see many of them most of the times. Until someone points out of course. e.g. I was relating my story to another friend who had also gone through break-up before. She said, I have a tendancy to get attached quite easily. I never realized it in those many words before. When I entered into relationship 5 years ago, I immediately started getting comfortable/attached/going-from-I-to-we. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. But I probably didn’t care for his space then. To be honest, a week after we got together, he had a major setback in his studies and went into depression for quite a while. That’s when his rages started. He cleared the setback a year later with flying colors, but nothing changed between us. The most romantic period of a relationship – the beginning time – was all burnt because of his setback. I absolutely NEVER complained for the whole year. I considered it my responsibility to stand by him, endure his rages – because that’s how his frustraion/depression would spill out. But then I made it a habit to endure ALL of his rages. Even unnecessary ones. It became my instinct to protect him from even the smallest adversity. That’s where I forgot his space. I could never understand before whenever he used to say: I don’t want to talk about it now. I should have waited for him to come and talk instead of making him talk right then.
But then came my depression, his ignorance to it and then a physical separation of 3 months because of my studies. After the separation was over, both of us were very eager to pick up things from where we had left. We were even moving in together. But at the airport, he seemed a bit distant and guarded. He had his valid reasons, but the cold behavoir hurt me. And I ended up detaching myself from him somewhat. That’s how I started giving him space. Not just because he needed it, but also as a sort of cold shoulder. Whenever he would recover, I would be all happy lovey-dovey again. As if could shoulder didn’t happen. Not a healthy way, was it…
So many things, now I wish I had done it differently. I know, it’s normal to feel this way and I am happy for it. That I am going through process. But I do wish. And now I am feeling a bit indifferent. Rather fast, considering my posts only a few days ago. I am sure, I am going to cycle through it again in a few days. But that’s ok too. I am going somewhere at least. A road to my own self… :)
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You’ve captured it all so very well. The emotions, the feelings, everything. But, what about the aftermath?
It’s been over 2 years now since my marriage of less than a week fell apart before my eyes b/c the guy I married didn’t have a back bone. Instead of defending me and siding with me, he did as his parents told him and that was to leave me. He didn’t even put up a fight or come to my defense. He was no Romeo that’s for sure.
This has scarred me mentally. Every few months I’ll get what feels like a nervous breakdown. A feeling of loneliness, emptiness, fear, anger, loss of control, aching pain in the heart takes over me accompanied by tears. This is an all consuming feeling that lasts for a few hours. And if I can’t reach my current boyfriend on the phone I feel worse. Sometimes I allow these feelings to reflect on my current relationship. We’ve been dating 2 years. A friend of mine seems to think he may be a rebound for me. I don’t think he’s rebound.
I’m just afraid I will drive him away with what seems like insecurities but really is a result of my past that keeps coming back to haunt me. I want to share it with him, but I’m afraid he’ll think I’m a nutt job. And who wants to deal with a nutt job?
I’ve been so strong all this time. Sometimes I’m so worried that my past will repeat again. It’s like the saying you let your fears become reality that I’m trying to avoid. When will I stop having these feelings that feels like a nervous breakdown?
I broke up with my boyfriend last week, the day before I started a new job. I am deeply in love with him and feel destroyed. We had a few issues, him being friends with an old love, not seeing each other enough etc but basically we were happy and had a great time together, and only broke up because I have tantrums where i break up with him. We’ve had about 5 mini break ups in a year, and now he says he has had enough and are not good for each other. I’m so restless, I emailed him this morning to ask him to think itover and give it another go to no reply, and haven’t heard from him in 5 days. It’s driving me insane because we did everything together and now this is ruining my job, and I want to move home way from here because everything reminds me of him. Deep down I know it’s final and there is no going back and at the weekend I truly felt like I couldn’t go on any more. This has happened to me before and I get scared that there is no one else out there for me.
Panicked, I am sorry ,I know how bad your feeling right now, we all do here. I am not the most qualified person out here to be giving advice God knows, most of the time I am trying to seek it here and elsewhere because I don’t know. I don’t normally think it ’s a good idea to make any kind of big decision when your upset . So if you could go home for a visit that would probobly be better. Your right you have to get away from the memories in the immediate. If you go to your loved ones you can sort out your feelings and then you can make a better decision after. I would also say and some may disagree you should level to whoever you answer to at your job that you are having a crisis right now, be honest with them. We are all human here. If they are worth it they will understand. There is no way you can take care of the new job right now if you don’t take care of yourself first.. Maybe others out here will have something else to say that might be better than what I am offering you. But this is real and you have to take care of yourself . That’s what’s most important. All the best I know it hurts. I have ben struggling for a couple of months but there is faith and hope and as long as there’s that there is a tomorrow. Hang in there.
I also want to say to you there is someone out there for you. Never believe that! Life is a marathon. I have lived alot of life and felt that way at times. But then it happened for me. Even though I am going through some things right now since, it has happened . And I have two beautiful sons that were a positive result of it too!
what i hate at the moment is that everyone is so normal and happy and it makes me feel like such a minority. It’s so nice to see other people’s views :)
thanks butch
Sorry I had to write on here again. Since I last wrote things have been complicated, my ex boyfriend has been emailing me just in a friendly way and said he isn’t sure if we should give it a go or not, and now today i am having a really bad day. I woke up early panicking because I know he is going to end it finally soon either today or tomorrow and I have a tummy ache and just can’t bear it. I’m restless at work and can’t cocentrate because I’m so sad. When he says it again I’m not going to know what to do with myself. I can’t bear the feeling that our relationship is all dangling in the air andit’s slipping away.
Since I started posting here, and also because of a getaway due to medical reasons, I thought I was doing fine. But I am back to square one or even square zero….
I found out from a common friend that he is engaged. We officially broke it off on Feb 26th night by PST. He and his new girlfriend went to this common friend to tell her that they are dating. The new girl was also having problems with her own boyfriend and that’s how they connected. In our last call, my ex told me that since both have scarred each other so much, he probably won’t look at a woman like that for a long long time. I told him right there, he has a tendancy to move on quite fast. But he didn’t even mention that he was already dating this new girl for a week before we broke it off.
Within a week of break-up, they got engaged.
I am in India, he is in US. Our above mentioned common friend told me that pretty much everyone in the circle is disgusted by it. Ex and the new girl are insisting that it’s not a rebound, they really like each other. Common friend is absolutey sure, there wasn’t anything during first couple of weeks of Feb. So this is really the story of 3 weeks.
In our last talk, he broke down a couple of times saying he does miss me or something like that. And while he was saying this, he was already dating another girl.
He told our common friend that he still cares about me and would like to be friends. But I have already gone through the post “Being friends with ex Redux”. And even without the post, I can’t be friends with him….
We had an Indian relationship, that is no sex until married. The relationship lasted 5 years and we stuck to the no sex part one way or othetr – even though sometimes it was difficult. And our common friend thinks he is sleeping with her since she knew the girl was inquiring about birth control pills.
5 years… we have hardly spent apart. They meant absolutely nothing to him…
I am sick….
Oh, he and his new girl went to the common friend on Feb 28th evening.
Mayee: she probably doesn’t mean anything to him either. If he can’t attach in 5 years then he’s not going to attach in 3 weeks. If it’s the sex that he’s having for the first time, well there you have it.
Keep going on … you’re more than he deserves. Be good to Mayee.
Mayee, I’m really sorry to hear about your experience. It kind of reminds me of mine where I too was dropped like a hot pot and he was already with another person within a week and he had said alot of things that lead me to believe he couldn’t live without me and wouldn’t hurt me…atleast not in the way he did. I felt like I was strung along or he didn’t leave first base until he had his foot on second base–what an insecure cowardly person.
Stay strong and stay NC. No, you can’t be friends with someone you’ve been with for that long especially when they’ve moved on or are appearing to the way they are — with a rebound reln etc.
I can imagine how devastating it must be. All I can say is hang in there and it will get better, but no saying how long that will take coz I’m going through it myself.
Right now I too am in a state where I feel like I can’t even trust my own feelings…like whether it’s okay to feel happy…it feels scary to coz I don’t want to end up hurt. I’m just hoping it will get better, trying to trust the process and move on. I know my ex has moved on and I probably dont’ exist even in his thoughts.
It’s very hard to believe that you think you know someone or are sure they wont’ hurt you especially in unthinkable ways… but they do. It’s hard to believe some people are capable of changing and doing what they do and being okay with it… it’s all new to me too… am just seeing the reality now.
Susan,
I think it was in your ‘friends with ex’ post- do not harp on closure, it will come when you decide it. Until then, I really was thinking closure is something necessary – from him. But you are right, I have to move on and get my own closure. The fact that nobody in the cirlce likes their engagement and nobody is speaking to them is definitely a partial closure to me.
The girl was having problems with her boyfriend as well but hadn’t broken off with him. He came to see her to her city expecting she will pick him up. Someone else picked him up and told him about her dating my ex. He was stunned… In his previous visits, he had met my ex and thought nice of him. He couldn’t believe what was happening…
I asked the common friend, ‘is he happy?’ She said ,’yes’. That “yes” is my rope to move on… He is happy with someone who is not me. That cuts any false hope I may cherish. He has even sent email to his group of frineds announcing their engagement. That’s final stamping. Everytime I think of some small thing we used to do, or wish that I was near him, I tell myself, ‘he doesn’t remember/feel it, he is happy with someone ELSE’.
Anna, you are right. You think you know someone. You think they wouldn’t behave in certain way. And then they do. You don’t even think you would be hurt so much even after all the rough patch…
I have to be honest here. The whole point of our arguments was his indifferent and rigid-viewed behavior towards me. And he proved me right. All this time, I wanted him to deny my ‘accusations’. I wanted him to tell me that I am thinking wrong, he is not like that. All this time, I was the one in denial. Blinded myself… over what? I was proved right and it hurts.. Physically hurts. My speech has become rather slow and slurry… my limbs feel lifeless… sometimes my heart clenches and breathing stops… even stomoch doesn’t feel well, I can’t feel like eating and hunger then eats my head..
It will pass…it has to pass. It just HAS TO.
Mayee,
It will definitely get better in time. I know what you mean when you say your limbs are lifeless and you cannot eat. At first, I couldn’t, eat, sleep or take care of me. At work, I was a zombie and my body was set at automatic pilot. With things I had no choice but to do, I did them without any feeling whatsoever. It takes time and you do get better. It’s hard, but I’m so thankful for those rare days when I can fall asleep without crying and I’m slowly beginning to do things with feeling. I still have a long way to go. Listen to Susan, first you have to be good to Mayee. I sometimes forget this, but I’m doing a little better and am so thankful for those baby steps I have taken thus far. My heart is slowly beginning to feel again and of course, the pain is still there. I know from the posts made from everyone here and the success that Susan has had in finding her own happiness, that in time, it will get better for us too. I was such a basket case when I first found this site. I’ve learned a lot here. I’ve also made so many mistakes breaking the “NC” rule and every time I break it, I totally regret it. I’m starting to “Get It”. With everything I’ve learned here, I’m not the same person I was when I first found this site. I’m better. I still have a long way to go. It takes time and as everyone is doing here, I have to remain focused on the process! That first night I posted here back in February, I was at an all time low. Everyone that responded to my initial posts not only picked me up when I felt total devastation, but I knew I wasn’t alone. Even today, when I fall backwards and get that overwhelming feeling of sadness, I come here. As I read the posts entered by the heartbreak and success stories of everyone else, I forget my own sadness even for a little while and soon my pain once again diminishes. Again, I’m not alone. It’s an overwhelming feeling that words cannot describe.
I don’t think I would be where I am today if I did not accidentally stumble onto this site. Thank you Susan.
Mayee,
I too understand the stomach thing. One thing you should do is find a *really good vitamin and mineral supplement* and take it regularly. Believe me, this is super-important. Also, I found that “drinking” meals was easier than eating- make shakes with your milk-of-choice (soy, rice, or real), fruit, and protein powder. Add spirulina if you can. At least eat a little bit at every meal.
I am only now recovering from the results of my inability to eat…
Serenity,
You know, I actually had started a diet plan just before I came to know about ex’s quick engagement. This whole crash, the grief, has actually helped me with my diet! In the sense, that I eat all the prescribed things which are healthy. But of course I would have had severe cravings if this hadn’t happened. So grief is actually taking the cravings out of picture! And I managed to lose about 5 pounds in 3 days :) Of ourse, there is lingering sickness everytime, but hey! I am losing fat! I hope you didn’y suffer much healthwise, Serenity. Do take care.
I am staying with my parents. So my mum really helps me with everything. Two of my friends who I am talking to have gone through these exact phases. So they are talking me through it.
JHSBB, you are right. Posting here since about a 2 weeks back has helped me immensely. I never wanted to impose upon my friends with my constant whining. So posting here is such a great relief.. More importantly, as Susan says, I actually managed make quite a few self-discoveries. It’s only a month since break-up, but it feels like taking off colored glasses and looking at everything just the way it is. Like how much stupidity I did in the name of love. Like sometimes the deeds I thought were stupid were in fact absolutely necessary and right in their place. Like how much I lost sight of my own dreams. And in just one day yesterday, I managed to see him in different light, for which my mind was so resistant… Of course, any remembrance of good things makes the recovery crash. I feel like I am going through all the phase extremely fast. The overwhelming grief, the denial, the anger, (thankfully no bargaining yet), the acceptance.. sometimes all in day’s work… it’s so weird… Yesterday, I had been talking about him and my grief to two different friends for a total of 6 hours. I was exhausted by night. And I said to myself enough is enough. And then it crashed again just before I went to sleep as I thought of his smile.
Has anyone gone through these phases so fast? It reminds me that episode in the series “Monk” where he keeps cycling through these phases by minute! I thought it was rather childish joke to show, but I honestly wonder now.. If I am cycling through eerything in day sometimes, why not he cycle it in minutes!
really a great article I am in the early stages of a breakup, and just trying to understand the process is a great help, I hope I can be of more help to others if and or when I recover.
brian
I agree on the eating I have never drank so many smoothies, its all I can do to get anything past the solar plexus region. Its like there is a brick wall there lots of broth and fruit and veggie drinks, at least I feel i am keeping my physical needs compensated.
brian, don’t forget the possibility of a good whole-food based vitamin and mineral supplement. They have those in liquid form at health food stores too. And try to eat out with friends when you can- it helps.
Hi all,
Thanks for the replies last time. They really helped! What a great group. I need some advice though. As I said before I work with my ex. Tomorrow I have no choice but to attend a staff meeting with him for several hours (with others there). It will be the first time I’ve seen him in our 17 day break up. I’ve managed to avoid him in work to date but no choice tomorrow. I’ve heard him pass my office door a few times, and that has been enough to send me into tears. It’s very hard. I’m really worried that tomorrow I will see him and just fall apart. I’m still at the stage of thinking about him all the time and dreaming about him when I do finally manage to sleep. I know it’s early days. I’m going to have to come up with a strategy for dealing with meeting him at work though. At least once per week we have full group meetings, and I can’t not attend. My plan is to avoid all eye contact and ignore him basically, but I feel stick to my stomach about it all. I also find, if I’m honest, that I’m engaging in some pretty unhealthy thinking about the encounter – while I’m dreading it and am worried about bursting into tears, there’s also, if I’m honest, a part of me who is excited – I miss him so much – and is kind of looking forward to seeing him. I cringe to admit this, but I’ve actually found myself considering what to wear and all that crap …. How sad am I – like a cute outfit is going to make him want me. Any advice people? Much appreciated in advance. I don’t know what I’d do without the blog to keep me sane.
B
In a way I feel bad about posting Beatrice – because I really wish I could give you some great advice… and I pretty much have none (sorry). I would be exactly the same – no, I would be probably be copping out and pulling a sickie or something dumb like that, so for one thing – I think you are great for going at all!! I just read your post and really feel for you and am writing simply to say I will think of you, and good luck. I can’t imagine having to do this myself, but for what it’s worth, I reckon avoiding eye contact as you say, totally avoiding getting into any one-to-one with him, and *acting your arse off* that you are composed and OK, will I think go along way toward giving off exactly that impression…which is surely all you can do really. In my opinion you don’t have to be some sort of robotic superwoman, just professionally composed. I don’t know how many other people will be around the table at this meeting, but if it is feasible, I personally would absolutely avoid – refuse – any specific interaction with him for tomorrow. Worry about later meetings… well, later!
As for feeling unhealthy for thinking up cute outfits etc – I would be axactly the same, and I would try not to beat myself up for that; any thing you can wear that makes you feel as confident as possible about your appearance and demeanour, is a thing to grab at this point in my opinion. As this regular contact is unavoidable, I understand that you are going to have to come up with a strategy for coping with it longterm, but perhaps for now you should just remind yourself that this is very, very early days and just get through tomorrow any way you can ( you can fall apart in the toilets afterwards when nobody is looking remember if you really need to!) and worry about the rest later, when you are stronger… which you WILL be. I know this is all a bit lame, but I wanted to say hello and really just wish you all the best.
Stay Strong! And if you can’t saty strong…Pretend!
That’s not lame at all, thanks so much for that Little Wing. I might pretend to take a call on my mobile if I need to leave the room too, just thought of that. If I can pull it off. I really appreciate your advice. I plan to do what you say, and try and appear cool, calm and collected, even if my stomach is doing turns and my heart racing. I can’t seem to control my emotions though these days, when I hear him pass my office, it just sends me into tears, I just pray no tears at the group meeting, I will actually pray about that tonight. I’m not normally overly emotional. Must re-read Susan’s post about acting as if. It’s really good.
He sent me a lame email today saying ‘thanks’ in response to a work email I had to send around to the entire work group. He didn’t have to reply at all, it was just notification about a work project. But he replies ‘thanks Beatrice’ [then his name]. What’s that about? I mean he didn’t have to repond at all, my friend thinks it’s more about him wanting to seem Mr. Nice Guy People Pleaser. I didn’t respond and won’t be either. Still, it reduced me to tears – where did all the love go, so awful getting formal emails from him – where did my lover and best friend go, vanished into thin air. Too much to deal with sometimes. I wanted to type back ‘would you ever x*&% off’ – tempting – but no reponse is always better. Just venting.
Thanks for the good wishes Little Wing
I think your friend may be right and he wants to be Saint Ex… but who knows, and don’t we just drive ourselves insane trying to guess – I do find saying ‘It doesn’t matter’ repeatedly helps somewhat at this sort of point, but I understand you may not feel able to do that (yet) and it is all very raw for you.
It’s horrific when you first see the different ways in which they communicate and relate to you – Last time we met, I thought my ex had become literally ‘a different person’ or was maybe on medication or something, until it hit me like a big fast train that it was only his feelings toward me that were different… making him act differently… and that now I am simply getting the version of him that everyone else always got. That hurts a lot, I am with you there.
I think you will be fine tomorrow anyway. Your idea about the pseudo phonecall is a good one should you need it. Remember, if it does get too much and yo want to cry(and it really may not happen!) then yes, you can always simply leave, for a call or a loo break or whatever – and you are in control of that. Maybe just try to concentrate on the topics and on staying calm, and as soon as it is over, on getting out of there!
Again, all the best!
Yes, you’re right, ‘It doesn’t matter’ and ‘I don’t care’ needs to become my mantra. Thanks also for reminding me of that important fact, I am in control tomorrow – I can leave to go to the bathroom if i feel myself getting upset, even realising that will probbably help me stay calm, as I know there is an escape route. Thanks for reminding me. Will let you know how I get on. Thanks so much!
Beatrice,
I’d bookend the staff meeting with calls to friends: to support you going in and to support you coming out. Or, blog us at GPYP, before and after the meeting. Knowing I’m getting support I can count on, support before and after a difficult event, eases the anxiety I anticipate. Also, by setting up your own support, it empowers you, lets you and your psyche know you can nurture and take care of yourself. It gives you the control. (You’re not at the mercy of the situation;it adds some certainty to an uncertain situation.)
Good luck, I’ll be sending you positive energy. Can you tell us about what time you’ll be in the staff meeting? That might be another support: knowing GPYP bloggers have you in their thoughts.
Love yourself and give yourself a big hug. Think of it as a kind of athletic training or even an audition for a part you’ve always wanted ( just pretend!)
Beatrice, I’m feeling for you too! You CAN do it, and I will be another one thinking of you. I had a situation sort of like yours once, and it sucked — but perhaps the anticipation of it will be worse than the reality.
Mayee, I was cycling through so many phases on Friday I thought I would lose it. I’m about two weeks in to my breakup. Luckily, this site has given me the gift of understanding what’s going on in my head. It’s so textbook! Since Friday I’ve calmed down a lot. I’ve just read your posts for the past few days, but you do sound like you’re making progress! Keep up the good work…..
Serenity thx for the information on the vitamin supplement I will look for it you are right I do have an appetite when I go out for dinner with friends which helps. unfortunatley for myself I have to work with my former 2 days a month I do not want to break the no contact rule I wonder what kind of effect it will have on the process of moving on.
Brian: from my own experience, I can tell you that working with your ex and having to see/talk to them will definitely throw you back into the stuff (especially if they are now dating someone else in the office that you have to see/work with, etc.). But, what I can also tell you is that you will get to a place where it begins to matter less and less…or should I say that “they” begin to matter less and less.
It is fortunate that you only have to see them 2 days per month and not daily. You might have sufficient time in between sightings to disconnect a bit more in order to strengthen your own resolve.
Hold your head high, look the other way and if you must exchange with them, be polite, professional and nothing more.
You can do it!!!
Thanx Nese I am a little Lucky I guess its just that I dont know what effect it will have on me, and having to start the process all over again in a couple of weeks. I guess I will just have to see what happens and hope that I am big enough to get through it and not be bothered enough or let her bother me. again thx for the support.
You are welcome Brian…..as I said, you will go back and forth and in time it will matter less and less. Obviously it is easier for them because the ex’s are focused on their new relationships and we are left holding the bag/baggage of what was once “us”. We have nothing else to focus on but ourselves (which we should be doing but we don’t always look so good in the beginning).
Yesterday I was really good and strong (and I was at 3:00 am when I wrote to you because I couldn’t sleep) but today I’m not so good. I saw them individually and then together and I felt sick to my stomach…..probably, in part, because I am tired and less resilient to my stupid thought processes.
But I have had some good days…..its wierd, but the best days seem to be when I have imagined myself to still really matter to him but that I don’t care. The feeling doesn’t last long but it sure is empowering for the moment. I know it shouldn’t matter to me whether or not I matter to him but something about feeling more in control of the whole situation made me feel better.
Good luck on having to meet the ex. My thoughts are with you!
It looks like this thread has a lot of newly shocked people, so I’ll share that I found Susan Anderson’s book on abandonment just recently, and I wish I had it earlier. She talks about what your body is doing- it helps make sense of how you feel physically and mentally. Susan’s linked up above to Amazon- buy there and help support the blog (Susan takes a loss on her gpyp stuff).
Beatrice,
Hope you’re hanging in there. I feel the SAME as you about my ex- where the h*&% did my best friend and lover go? But now that I’ve had time to do the relationship inventory and life inventory, I see that my exbf *never actually qualified* as good enough for those positions- my upbringing veiled who he really was. It was like wearing a seriously distorted pair of glasses and then taking them off. You wonder where the heck that great person was.
Hi all Little Wing, Newday, Seeif and others,
Thanks all of you for your comments and support. I am in Europe so I didn’t see some of the later ones with the time difference until I got back from work yesterday evening. Well, in a word it was awful. I didn’t actually cry in the meeting thankfully but my God, it was awful. No eye contact from me , but as luck would have it the only spare seat when he arrived was beside me and so when he came in he had to sit next to me. I thought I’d throw up, heart racing, I even got dizzy. Mind you he’s always had the effect on me, and me on him, he used to say – we were always intensely attracted to each other. As I said, no eye contact from me, and I thought I acted normally, though I was quieter than usual and don’t think I hid stuff as much as I had hoped. I caught him out of the corner of my eye glancing at me a couple of times but I steadfastly refused to look back. At a break in the meeting (it lasted FIVE hours, felt like five days) I legged it and went off to get coffee on my own, then came back and as we moved to another room, he ended up sitting opposite me. Hard not to catch his eye as he was in my line of vision, so i just kept my eyes to my work. I left the room 3 times in total, just for a break, as I needed to just breathe and relax. That helped and gave me some control. I couldn’t concentrate on the work issues, and just had voices going through my head all the time, asking why this was happening, why the love of my life was here and no longer my partner – how could this be? I don’t understand this version of reality. I can’t tell you how I felt when i saw him, he’s so gorgeous and handsome and looked amazing. when he sat beside me i could smell his aftershave and that nearly finished me off. I wanted to scream at the world about how much i was hurting, I wanted to scream at him but also to throw my arms around him at the same time. God I am still so much in love with him, it was absolute torture. For his part, he acted compeltely normally. In fact he was all all jovial and smiley. This upset me even more. How could he be like this and not care? I said this to a mutual friend who disagreed and said he felt that my ex was probably upset but just hiding it. Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know. the fact remains that he doesn’t want me, so whether he is upset or not is irrelevant.
I was too upset to post here yesterday evening. A colleague afterwards asked me what on earth was wrong with me, so I obviously wasn’t hiding it as well as I thought. I told her and she is upset, she is one of the very many who have always said ‘you two are so made for each other’. I couldn’t speak to her for long, just too upset. Yesterday evening then after coming home and dissolving into tears (I think i was hoping he’d contact me, hoping seeing me would stir something in him, make him realise he wanted me – but nothing, still no contact) I asked a mutual friend if I could give him a bag of my ex’s stuff. I had packed it away and didn’t want to use it as an excuse to contact my ex, so our mutual friend agreed to take it and give it to him. I dropped it over to him and that just started the tears again. What a nigthmare. I will have to just get used to this though, we are going to be in meetings together at least once per week (three time next week), so I suppose i will just have to accept that for me, healing will take longer because I will have to see him regularly. Do you knw the worst of it? Well, I’ll be honest. Now I want him back. I desperately want him back now. I had got to the point where you know I had rationalised he’s hurt me, rejected me, good few red flags therefore he’s not the one for me. I was devastated but had kind of begun to accept it. I am back now at just wanting him back and beign distraught that he doesn’t want me.
So, that’s what happened. I need now to get back to that place where i was starting to get to, need to try and stop praying he’s come back to me, and start rememberign that he can’t be the one if he rejected me. And that I shouldn’t want someone who doesn’t want me. Do the tears ever stop? I am not usually particualrly emotional but have been crying buckets and buckets. I was with my ex for 18 months and it’s killing me. Before that I was engaged to a guy and with him for 8 years – and when we broke up (which I did for this ex) it affected me but abolutely not an iota like this.
Serenity, thanks for the reference to Susan Anderson’s book. I have ordered it. End of rant, thanks for allowing me to share, and for all of your support. I was so touched to read your messages seeing that you said you’d be thinking of me. I was really touched
What a really gruelling experience Beatrice, my heart goes out to you. How strong you are to have got through those 5 hours though – I know this must be hard to see now, and you’re naturally focussing on the ‘negatives’ and the sheer, sickening pain of seeing him- but WELL DONE.
One thing that strikes me is that you feel you have regressed in terms of your progress, that you need to ‘get back’ to where you had ‘got to the point of…’ I too do this, but reading all the blogs by Susan and others here has made me consider that maybe you/I/we are much further on and better off than we think right now at times like this, and your experience yesterday needs to be seen not as a regression or an ‘undoing’ of your progress but simply as a normal wave of the grief – and actually as a progression through it.
I had the such similar thoughts and reactions to yours, truly, when I saw my ex last week. I thought I had made progress and then *bam*, being in his presence seemed to throw me back and I felt utter desperation for him, got hysterically upset and afterwards like you are now, I felt that the shafts of light and peace and equanimity and acceptance had been *undone*… but I am fighting against this belief – and starting to win with my fight. Those desperate compulsions to be back with the ex are just part of the process. The pain comes back to the fore, gets to fever pitch again…but it does recede… it makes me think of a kind of exorcism.
I have also learned that I am experiencing not only the loss of this particular ex, but those before him, about whom I did not grieve, because I did not hang around with myself, in my own headspace as a singleton for long enough to… I hope you don’t mind me asking -could this be a significant issue for you too?
In grief, I seem to have habitually propelled myself toward the rejector or the person who caused me pain, in order to achieve peace and stop the pain. Praying for an ex who hurt you, to come back to you is something I can identify with wholly, but this is denial and fear- and it is selling ourselves very short of what we deserve and really need. We must not forget or dismiss all those red flags and hurtful memories. I too ordered the Susan Anderson book this morning (Thanks Serenity).
I know you are distraught Beatrice, but hang on in there, and again, Well Done – give yourselff a big break and a big treat for yesterday. I hope you are OK
little wing, Susan Anderson mentions this in her book- she talks about the researcher who had ducklings imprinted on him, and the one whose foot he accidentally stepped on actually clung to him tighter after the injury… Biology sucks!
I also recommend the Grief Recovery Handbook Susan has here– one of the issues can also be (as you’re thinking) that accumulated grief snowballs when it’s not felt and resolved, and then avalanches at a certain point after a loss…so you get to feel tons of grief (I think I’m feeling about seven year’s worth or more) after the loss instead of just the grief for that loss.
sigh.
An avalanche of accumulated grief – that is it EXACTLY, Serenity.
Might there be a crumb of comfort in this idea then – with regard to the specific ex-partner/relationship that we are grieving? I mean… if I am feeling all these years of losses now, then I can tell myself that it is at least less about HIM specifically. It depersonalises things a little, so when I yearn for him (like the ducklng, ah) I tell myself that this is not so much about him at all, and he becomes less of a mighty figure looming over my landscape with these pseudo healing powers. In a perverse way, thinking about all the other losses takes that away from him and I feel momentarily comforted… but then a whole other load of pain demands attention, that is so sad! sigh, sigh, sigh indeed.
Thanks, I shall check out the Handbook. Must gather as many tools as possible for burrowing out of all this snow …
Thanks for the encouragement Little Wing. I actually feel a little better this evening. I’m starting to get used to being on my own a lot, and have stopped wondering what he’s doing every second. I only wonder what he’s doing now about every 5 minutes. Progress! I think you are right and I totally don’t mind you asking – having not properly grieved most of my previous relationships (and might I add the death of my alcoholic absent father last year, as well as a pretty messed up childhood) … I think yes perhaps what i am greiving now, now that i am finally alone, is more than just my ex. I have spent a good bit of time though over the years dealing with my childhood issues, and I am fine with it all now, but there could well be residula grief there, particularly since my father died last year, and i definitely did not grieve my last couple of relationships. I don’t want to play down what I feel about lsoing my ex though – for me, he represented the be all and end all. I thought God had sent me this perfect man, to make up for all the grief and hurt and unfortunate crap that i’d been through and got through my entire life. he was perfect, I thought, I really thought ‘Oh my God, this is it, this is how it’s supposed to be, this is the one, I’ve been sent an angel’. I actually think I went temporarily insane when we got together. Within 2 weeks I had left my fiance (I know, that makes me the bad guy in that case – although I genuinely wasn’t unfaithful – as soon as I realised my feelings, I made the decision and left). I fell so deeply in love, and still am. Sometimes I would just stare at him and wonder how on earth i had managed to get him. if i’m honest I didn’t think I was good enough for him. It looks like he finally came to that conclusion too. I was always terrified also that the whole karma thing would catch up with me – you know, me leaving my fiance to be with this other guy. I was terrified I would get punished. And i did. I feel destroyed now. My ex is the ‘type’ that I always wanted all my life but never thought I could ever ‘get’. I never really thought i could get such a guy. He blew me away when he fell for me and told me he wanted to be with me forever, I ticked all his boxes (and he mine) and blah blah blah. Sorry, this is turning into yet another rant about how amazing my ex is. Drag myself back to reality …. he dumped me, has hurt me beyond description, therefore he could not be the one. Right? God though, he was such a catch, never met anyone like him before, i can’t tell you in how many different ways he was so special. On the other hand, he was a childish, self-obsessed immature ass. Ha, first time I;ve admitted that. Anyway, thanks Little Wing, your comments gave me lots to think about and to reflect upon. This blog is beyond helpful :-)
Hi Everyone,
First let me say that I attended Susan’s last seminar in NYC and it was AMAZING!!! It has changed my life. I was on the road to healing but the seminar kicked me in high gear! I had to put my healing on hold for several weeks while I prepared for a major exam(that felt like a roadblock similar to the roadblock built by my ex). I passed the exam, put it behind me and now focused on my healing in a MAJOR way!
Beatrice–I commend every ounce of you for going through that experience. I ran into my ex for the second time (since I made a committment to myself that after 2+years of back and forth sex followed by choas I would finally cut him out of my life altogether) on the train and then a NYC street (big city my ass!) and it was AWFUL. The whole experience lasted about 10 minutes and it was pure torture. I can not even imagine how difficult it must have been for you. The range of emotions I felt went from excitment, anxiety, anger, love, rage, jealousy, envy, lust and some homicidal thoughts came in and out as well. I made my way to work and distracted myself as best I could. When I got home I was irritable and fought with my family. I actually felt bad about having a reaction to seeing my ex! I was not allowing myself to feel what I had to feel in order to heal. I thought for sure I was pretty much over him so when all those feelings came up I was disappointed in myself. BUT after therapy tonight I realize that its ok to feel those things. And its ok that I want to send him a nasty text or email and ask him how dare he ask me to marry him, call the wedding off 4 months before and now walk past me on the street like we’re total strangers(as long as I dont send them). However, my wonderful therapist pointed out to me tonight, the reason I have this desire to reach out to him is because this is the cycle I am used to. When I get hurt by him I seek him out, we “meet up” (code for have amazing sex) and then he walks away from me and the cycle starts up all over again. I am breaking the cycle now and REFUSE to reach out to him to stir up the chaos. My words of support to you–allow yourself to feel what you feel but journal it so you can look at it from an objective point of view (I have this etched in my head from Susan). Journal about what you were thinking, feeling and doing when you saw him. Feel it, try to understand it and move forward. This will make the next time easier for you and the time after that easier and so on. Until you look at him and finally think “What the hell was I thinking?” And after reading what you wrote all I could thinkg was “he may be good looking but if he mistreated another human being then hes certainly NOT a person you want to be with forever!” He may be all the things you think on the surface but what and who he really is is reflected in the way he treats others, expecially you if he loved you. Its time to start chopping down that pedastal your putting him on and start building yourself one!!!
This will get easier for you–we all promise you that. But it will be hard and it will feel painful at times. BUT the best part is knowing that everytime you feel the pain your one step closer to a happier more fulfilling life, a life that you deserve; free of childish, self-obsessed immature asses like your ex!
I must start my journal now. I am SO looking forward to dealing, healing and growing with people who all want the same thing–their best life possible!
Beatrice, your experience in that meeting just sounds so so so horrible. I’m very sorry. I want to comment on something you said in your last post – that you didn’t think you were good enough for him and he finally came to that conclusion. WRONG!! Don’t be so hard on yourself, he sounds like he was not worthy of you. I seriously doubt that karma has anything to do with it. You were engaged to someone, realized it wasn’t right and called it off. That’s called courage, as long as you did it for the right reasons (ie, realized this was not the person you were meant to marry). Read Susan’s post on splitting, it’s good stuff. :)
Beatrice,
It WILL, WILL, WILL, will…get better! Good job feeling your feelings. You’re grieving. You think you’re missing him…but I bet you 10 to 1…you’re grieving. It can be excruciating. But you’re doing all the right things: you’re acknowledging the loss, the extent of the loss, and you’re experiencing “deep emotions.” You might read Susan’s “mourning theory” at the top of the blog. It helped me to understand the mechanics of grief: it helped me not feel so alone.
Keep letting us know your feelings. And great, great job asking for help from us. You’re two thirds of the way through Recovery 101 — just by ASKING for help. If you only knew how much time it’s taken me to ask for help when I’m feeling vulnerable.
Beatrice, it’s one day at a time. And, you moved through THAT DAY! It’s over, kaput. No more yesterday. You did it: you got through yesterday. You got through it.
Keep up the great work. Thanks for bringing us along for the journey.
Take care.
Seeif
What supportive posts to wake up to this morning! You are motivational, CJ and others!
Beatrice, I agree with the others – you ARE movng along through this already, and truly on your way, remember that!. Seeif, I especially like what you say about it being one day at a time ‘and you moved through THAT DAY, it’s over’ -that’s great.
Just want to say, please consider dumping the karmic payback thinking? I empathise totally with this, having tortured myself with it for almost a year (and several tmes in the past with other break-ups). My ex even told me I would get my karmic payback for hurting him. You know the worst thing? I kind of DID, because I bought into that nonsense and allowed it to transpire- I actively participated in it in fact, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I maintained contact with him, witnessing al his pain and excusing all his awful actions and basically I drank all the punishment in, wholeheartedly believing I deserved to. Big, big mistake! HOnestly, this really damaged my progress and my health.
I really believe the karma thing is a limiting, damaging and in all, thoroughly unehlpful way to view things. Newday makes a great point about your having acted with courage – in any event, you did what you did in leaving your fiance and there is surely a way to accept that without going down the punishment road. Viewing your current situation that way only gives it / him more power and keeps you there. It makes you treat yourself like crap basically!
It really sounds like when you got with your ex you were hit with a thunderbolt! It is clear that you invested so much in him, and put your all into the relationship. I really feel for you about all this. Keep posting, and most importantly, just keep on keeping on!
CJ—so glad you are here!!!!!
One thing I try to remind myself- I’ve done the best that I could with what I had at the time.
Mistake of letting the ex into my life-= I was doing the best I could with good intentions. I need to let go of beating myself up for that.
Mistake of “splitting” the ex despite inner gut feelings that something was wrong, and repeatedly being hurt by his inability to understand other’s feelings, self-absorption, and background disapproval? I need to let go of my anger at myself for letting myself be close to that.
Mistake of thinking the ex was wonderful, sweet and kind, and pitiful in a way that I needed to take care of him? I need to see him in a more complete way, and remember how his actions were more representative of him in totality: sweetness and selfishness, kindness and toxicity.
In Susan Anderson’s book, she brings up research that shows that it is better to FIGHT feelings of inadequacy, despair, and being left with energy- not to STOP feeling these feelings, but to put that energy towards doing what you can do to heal. And there’s nothing the matter with building up a good case in your head about why the ex is a no-good jerk with a lot of negative qualities.
This is a great article; it really describes everything I’m feeling to a T.
As for my story, well, about 5 weeks ago my fiancee of 3 months and girlfriend of 3.5 years told me she couldn’t get married. Until then, there were no problems, no conflicts, no bad treatment from either side. We had talked about marriage, the future, and the like for a good year before I proposed. I was absolutely devastated initially, and even though I’m still pretty down, I can at least tell I’m slowly getting better.
I’m still having a difficult time understanding or accepting what happened. It really seemed like we were so perfect for each other. Same interests, personality types, sense of humor, desires in life, same degrees, pretty much everything. We really were best friends. I knew without a doubt that she was who I wanted to spend my life with, and for so long, she said she felt the same for me.
Our time together went in phases. We were friends to start, then she finished her Master’s degree and moved away for a year. During this time, we started dating. She moved back here to finish her Ph.D., and for the first year, we lived separately. We moved in together for the next 14 months. She finished her doctorate and took a job about 4 hours away teaching at a small university. Since last last August, we had been doing the long distance thing. I will be finishing my degree later this year and had committed to a position about 11 hours away from where she is now. We knew it would be tough, but we decided that she would move to where I was going because it would have been easier for her to find a job in my location than vice versa. So at some point, we were ok with the distance thing and knew it wouldn’t be forever.
So we got engaged in December. I proposed right after her commencement ceremony, in front of her family and everything. She got a dress not long after and started inquiring about places and stuff. However, come February she started seeming distant. Her excitement to see me on weekends seemed to go down. I just figured she was stressed out over work because as a new professor, she had a gigantic amount of work to do. Come late February, we go to a wedding together. It as ok, but not the best time. I head back home on Monday morning. She comes up the next Saturday, seemingly to spend her spring break with me. Nope, she breaks up with me. Complete, utter, shock, disbelief.. I still cannot believe that it happened. She told me that there was something missing between us, some “x-factor”. I’m still confused over that. Was she expecting to have puppy love, butterflies, and sparks forever? She leaves and I don’t hear from her for over a week. I did send her an e-mail telling her I think I understood what was happening. I thought she may have been having an engagement freak out and that after some more time she’d realize what she was throwing away. Nope. About a 10 days later I get an e-mail from her basically restating what she told me in person. She said that she realized she hadn’t been herself for the last few years and got wrapped up in making me happy. She says she was happy in making me happy, but she realized she neglected to make herself happy. Is that a sign of co-dependence? I don’t know. No matter the reason, it sucks just the same. I feel like I was in love with a mirage, with someone not truly honest with themselves or with me.
Since this happened, I’ve been trying to get back to myself. I’ve been reading things like this site, self-help books, going to church, talking with friends and family, working out, all that sort of stuff. I just can’t shake this fear of being alone. I can’t actually see my family as I live a good 700 miles from them now. I don’t have really close friends here like I do back home. I feel like my confidence is just completely ruined. I’m scared I will never meet someone as seemingly right for me as she was at one point. I’m scared of settling for something less than I deserve out of fear of being alone. I hate to sound egotistical, but I know I’m a good catch for a good woman. I know this will take time, but being patient with this is so hard. There are too many reminders of her and of us together. I’m trying to get really focused on finishing my degree now, but I cannot concentrate for the life of me yet. I can’t let this destroy me, but it seems like my body isn’t listening to my brain.
I’m sorry for this being so long. I just needed to vent again. Thank you.
I can’t say how thankful I am that I stumbled upon this blog. I’ve been dealing with a break-up for almost 2 months now, and I can see why my way of coping wasn’t working…this has truly helped me in ways I can’t begin to thank you for. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m printing this out and posting parts of it around my room to remind me of what I need to do. May God Bless you in all the things that you do!!!
Al,
I feel for you. However, you sound like you’re attuned to what is true for you, what your feelings are, and what concerns you have. That’s pretty amazing, a month and one week out of the relationship.
I was in a long-distance relationship, but we were only “together” for 6 months. I met him in the city where I live and where he had wintered. We are older than you and your fiancee: I am 57 and he is now 65.
I wanted to share some of the feelings I had while we were together. The long-distance thing really made our relationship seem surreal at times, a fantasy less than a real thing. Also, because I couldn’t see him on a daily basis I felt like I was often in limbo, where he and I were concerned. Like I couldn’t ever grab hold of him or the relationship. It was almost like he was a phantom. Even though we talked every couple of days, and saw each other every 5 weeks, it just didn’t feel real. And I had a low-level depression the entire time.
I found an interesting internet site on long-distance relationships(every kind imaginable). It is called something like the “Center for the Study of Long-Distance Relationships.” There were a number of common feelings shared by people in LDR, regardless of their specific circumstances. One of the common feelings was this low-level depression experienced by many, if not most, people. The director of the center called it a form of perenial grief: a feeling of ongoing loss.
I just wanted to share this with you. My experience with my LDR is that I just felt confused, and, slightly off kilter a good deal of the time. One conclusion I came to was that I couldn’t do it anymore –didn’t WANT to anymore. There were other, more serious issues in my relationship, that contributed to the end of the relationship. My ex and I both wanted to end it, and did so. All that stuff in LDR was very disruptive and trying for me.
It made me realize that I don’t want to ever be in a LDR again. It doesn’t work for me.
About your difficulty staying focused and feeling alone … that was how I felt in the beginning stages of my grief. I felt TREMENDOUS grief and loss, even though both my ex and I ended the relationship. I now believe I was grieving previous relationships and other unresolved grief.
If you haven’t already, you might try reading Susan’s “The Mourning Theory” at the top of the blog. Reading it helped me understand how grief works and what feelings or lack of feelings I could expect. In the TMT, most of the grief experts, including Susan, say we can expect to feel confused and disoriented — dazed, really– in the beginning.
Thank you for posting. What you’re feeling and experiencing sounds like grief, but it’s still really, really hard.
Hope you’re being kind to yourself. Also, don’t know where you live but there may be some Al-anon or Coda meetings where you can get support. You don’t have to have a friend or relative with an alcohol problem to go. You can just go and listen. It’s free.
Take care, Al.
Seeif
Hi Al. I second Seeif in saying you really seem to be doing the right things. And I totally understand how this kind of thing gets in the way of academic stuff. I had to drop out of the class I was taking when everything happened because I couldn’t take even one more iota of stress. I just finished the book “The Journey from Abandonment to Healing” by Susan Anderson (link here on this blog) and I recommend it for you. As an academic, you’ll be comforted by the physiobiological explanations for a lot of things you’re experiencing (it’ll make you understand why your body is wacked out- boy do I understand that). In addition, she gets into some great psychological strategies for healing the feelings of abandonment. Also, if the religious affiliation that you have has room for calling on guardian angels, that is something that is comforting that helps one get through the night.
You’re on a journey now, and it really sounds as if you’re aware you need a good compass and guide book. Check out Susan’s postings on the Relationship Inventory and the Life Inventory (this will help you figure out some whys) and look at her postings on Goals and Affirmations (and/or get the mp3).
Best of luck to you, and to all of us!
well it has been three weeks since I found the hidden phone with text messages indicating my loving, kind, doting husband had premeditatedly arranged to meet up with someone (anyone would do) to have sex in my house while I was away for the night.
Of course he denied it and then lied about it initially.
It turns out, through my own extensive detective work, that he has been engaging in extensive sexual chat on ‘meet local people for discreet sex’ type websites. He is a member of a dozen or more. Some memberships date back to before we met. There is a clear pattern of engaging in this behaviour through out our five year relationship.
We’ve been married for 3 years now and I am 6 months pregnant.
I love this man, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We often talked about growing old together, about how we would be th 40% statistic of marriages who stay together. He promised he would never do anything like this to me.
He acknowledges now that he has had a secret life – a hidden self that he loaths and feels guilt and shame about. No one knew this hidden person. He has sought conselling to deal with the repressed issues that have lead to this behaviour.
He is not yet willing to reveal details to me about his addiction/ compulsive behaviour. But I am a good detective. I have found pictures he has posted on the internet of his genitalia, and of him having anal and vaginal intercourse with someone (I do not know whether these photos were taken before or after he met me).
He says he loves me; and that he wants to deal with his issues and learn how to cope with pain and stress in a healthy way so that we can move on together and live the life we had dreamed. He sounds convincing – but the hidden man was very well hidden before – NO ONE would have suspected this man of doing this. He would be voted most likely to be faithful by anyone you met.
I know that he has a dysfunctional family – completely dysfunctional! and this has led to his dysfunctional behaviour. With his counsellor/psychologists (he is seeing 2 seperate professionals) he has identified that his greatest fear is of being alone. This makes me wonder whether he ever loved me, or maybe I was just a secure option – that he felt safe with me that I wouldnt leave him alone. We always spent a great deal of time together and it still amazes me now that he found the time to engage in this behaviour! He told me that at tomorrow’s session his counsellor wants to explore the comment he made that he knew I was the one he wanted to marry when he met me. In my detective work I discovered that on at least 2 of our anniversaries he has spent time on the internet using these chat/meet websites. This makes me question the reality of his love even more. I don’t know what to believe. Obviously I feel betrayed and have little trust.
I would like to be able to move on to a life with him – on the condition that he really is reformed, and that I can learn to trust him. I am not going to live a half life with him – always wondering. But then I remember that I never wondered before – I trusted him completely! Am I foolish to give him a second chance?
The complication of our baby on the way is huge. We are now forever linked by this life inside me. No matter what happens with him and I, I want this baby to have a healthy, happy and trustworthy father who is involved in it’s life. So the number one priority is for him to get well. I also know how important it is for him to be part of the birth for him to bond with this baby so that he remains a significant figure in it’s life forever … and not a twice a year dad, or even a fortnightly weekend father. I dont want that for this child. I have experienced times of enormous rejection and resentment towards the baby, and engaged in self harm and contemplated suicide. Most of the time I dont feel that way anymore. And I believe that when the baby comes I will be very glad to have it in my life. But I also know that it is a complication that will make it hard for me to move on romantically in the coming few years. I am a strong woman. I lived alone for a long time before I met him and always said I would rather have no man than have one I didn’t love and see myself with for the rest of my life. I have no fear that I can raise my child alone – I just don’t want to.
The loss of the dream of what the future held is enormously devastating for me.
Only my parents, his parents (who are utterly useless) and one good friend. know about this. Should I keep it this way for now?
I think I have rambled on for long enough ….
How does one decide when to walk away?
Hi everyone,
I felt compelled to write on here, as i have been through the worst breakup- Beatrice it sounds exactly like what you are going through, not feeling good enough, that you will never get anyone as good that he was The One etc and now (albeit 3 years later) I can honestly say I am happy we broke up and am glad I met my previous boyfriend. Hold in there don’t do anything drastic and the torment will go away!! Promise.
xx
Audrey,
you really are at the point where you look back and you’re just happy that you met your ex? after all the grief and sadness, you are not at a point where you look back and are just happy at the memories/thoughts?
gosh–i cant even imagine the day when i look back at my previous relationship and am happy at the thoughts as opposed to being sad that it didnt work out.
Emma Kate: have you read the Cyber Cheating post from yesterday?
Emma Kate,
A book called Lonely All the Time helped me years ago. It’s about sex addiciton — all kinds. It addresses the addict, but importantly, for us, it addresses the significant others. Very compassionate and informative.
More information may help you make your decision. Hoping you’re getting plenty care and support. Take care of you and the baby.
Susan and Seeif,
thank you for your responses. I have read the cyber cheating post from yesterday and it really helped me on this journey of discovery and understanding that I am on. It prompted me to email my husband and acknowledge to him that his attitude – which has been one of acceptance/ responsibility for his behaviour – is indicative that he really does want help. I can feel lucky for the small mercies – like that he doesn’t try to blame me, or our sex life or anyone else to justify his behaviour. I also really identify with the motto : accept, change or move on. I think that is so wise and something I can use to work my own issues out.
Seeif: I will find this book. Interesting that the title refers to loneliness, because together with his psychologist my husband has identified fear of being alone as his greatest fear. I hope I can the book today!
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. It really does help to talk about it.
Kalo82- yes, i genuinely look back and sometimes smile at things we used to do together but I have no desire to go out with him again or even contact him. He is a friend on a social networking site, and I rarely, if ever, go on his page. It will happen, time fades all pain is what i believe. Keep being strong and one day you will be the same! Good luck x
This is a big help to me. However, I’m griefing to the max right now,feelings of hopelessness,despair,etc. my stomach is in knots, my heart is skipping beats and i don’t know what to do. My wife of 23 years of marriage, has decided not to leave right away,she’s going to wait another 6 weeks(june ist) which i think it’s harder on me to wait that long. I kinda wish she would hurry up and leave right away so i could start the healing proccess.
Hi all, great site, wish I had found it about 10days ago! hehe. I moved to Denmark with my girlfriend 8 mths ago. We were together in the US for 3yrs first and it worked really well. When she went home for 6mths we stayed together, and when she returned for 1 more yr, the fun wasn’t really there anymore, as she always said she wanted to live in her country. After a another year I moved over 8mths ago and it was hard moving away though I did love her. I think the whole time here was hard until I started making english speaking friends, but I wasn’t very emotionally available to her due to feeling worthless in another country and I knew this but couldn’t change the way I was with her. Of course I knew this was headed one way, but when she broke it off 10 days ago I was lost. I now live in the apartment and she has moved back with friends. She is out partying everynight now and I’m stuck in an apartment with all of her furniture and no one to talk with. I have a contract with work for 2more mths before I can head home…… welcome to my personal hell. I do regret not doing the right things, than she calls or sms’s everyday telling me she is so sorry and that she loves me and it’s just the situation, bla bla we have all heard it.. I find myself having waves of good hrs then really bad hrs, haven’t eaten more than 1 meal a day. etc…
After reading this post, I am now going to start day 1 and deal with my pain by myself. I suppose just writing this helps. I wish everyone the best.
Maybe I will get more than 4hrs sleep tonight.
Hi So alone, Welcome to the blog. If it’s any consolation you are in the right place. I don’t know what I would have done without the wisdom posted here.
The waves of good and bad I can agree with. I am recycling horrendously today. I am almost 5 weeks broken up and NC, except for seeing him at work, but today I feel as bad as I did in the beginning. It does help, a bit, to know it’s just part of the process. I do feel so alone, so miserable, and so down though. I’ve just returned from a work group session where I had to see him yet again, and it tears me up every time. But today in particular. The smallest things hurt like knives; the way he ran off as fast as possible when it was over, like he couldn’t bear even being in the same room as me. It hurts so much, it’s quite unbearable. I totally get on an intellectual level now that I’ve done some of the work that he’s clearly not the right one for me. But it;s sooo hard to accept, I want him to be the right one, I believed he was and I am still so in love with him. I can hardly stand it. Sorry to be so negative, but right now it’s very hard to see any decent end in sight when I have to see him so often. I hate him and love him at the same time. I am so hurt that he hasn’t even tried to contact me once – I know I should be happy about this, that a lot fo advice given here is don’t respond to your ex, don’t answer their calls, texts etc etc etc, but God, my ex is so xxxxing over me he hasn’t even bothered to try and contact me once. I would have liked the opportunity to ignore his calls at least. I hate and love him. I feel like I’m going mad tonight :-(
So alone, you’re not alone as long as you log on here! What a horrible situation, I feel for you.
Beatrice, I still don’t know how you do it. I completely understand why you recycle after having to see him. Especially with all the insight you’ve been developing, it has to be hard to reconcile what you know in your head vs how your heart feels. I have been 100% NC, and I credit that for my progress. But when someone tells me something about my ex (unsolicited always) my heart races as if he were in the room. I have no desire to contact him, but it’s a physical/instinctual reaction. And I share that ‘I don’t want him to but why won’t he contact me and beg’ thing. Ugh. We’ll get there.
EXACTLY Newday – as you say that’s exactly it – I cannot match what I know in my head with how my heart feels. Yes, when I’m with him in a room or even suspect he’s around (I can FEEL it when he is), my heart races, palms sweaty, feel nauseous etc. Spent most of this afternoon with him again in a group and just don’t know how to move on. I feel I want him so much but know, totally know I shouldn’t. The only thing is the frequency of these group sessions will die down slightly in July and August, so maybe then my heart will catch up with my head, or at least start laying a strong foundation. As you say, we’ll get there. I hope. Thanks for your response, it’s good to know that what is happening is really making it extra hard and that it’s not just me falling apart. I feel like tackling him – I know it’s not recommended, but he’s getting off scot free! How long are you NC? If your ex did contact you sometime in the future, would you ignore or answer?
Beatrice,
Totally understand the feeling of wishing that they would try to contact us so that we could ignore their calls. But I have come to understand this emotion is about wanting to be wanted which boils down to co-dependency and abandonment issues and how awful rejection really is.
But I also know these reactions by us are chemically induced. Its like we need a “love fix” and when we get it, we are temporarily soothed until they are gone again and we go through withdrawals until the next fix.
gotta work hard at breaking the cycle and keep telling yourself it isn’t this person. The extent of your pain isn’t representative of the extent of your love. Its all brain chemistry.
I tell myself this all the time….some days it works, some it doesn’t but I do see progress so I keep working at it. Like I’ve said before, I keep cycling through the grief process and sometimes I think “Im done–Great! and then I have another day where I want a dirt nap.
But (here is the really good news)……In the beginning I was crying everyday and almost all day. Then when I would see him at work I would break down and cry…..most fo the day, etc. Now, I hardly cry….ever! And I find I am not thinking about him 24/7 (admitedly, some days more than others but not all day everyday).
So, Beatrice, you WILL get better! You WILL!!!!!!
Hi all,
I’ve been recycling big time in the last few days. Today it’s been 9 weeks since my break-up (all NC), and I’m feeling so lonely, missing him, missing just hanging out and being in a relationship, missing all of it… and incredulous at the fact that he hasn’t been in touch in all these weeks, cos I can’t help wishing and hoping that he’ll come back and salve the acute, soul-piercing rejection that I feel.
I had quite a happy week or so, and then in the last few days I feel plunged into feeling just as awful as when the break-up first happened and those early weeks… not sleeping well, feeling like I’m on another planet. I woke up in the middle of the night last night cos I’d had a very long and vivid nigtmare about our break-up conversation (except it wasn’t our actual break-up conversation, but an even more horrible one), it felt so real and I woke up and just burst into tears…
Question: Is it “normal” to recycle so strongly?
I’ve started reading the Susan Anderson book which a few people recommended on here, which will hopefully help….
And please, someone, tell me it will get better…
Hi Sunshine, maybe there’s something in the air as that’s where I am too after almost 5 weeks NC. I feel what you describe. Sorry to hear that you are feeling so sad. From what I’ve read here and elsewhere (including the book you mention) yes, it is normal to recycle so strongly in the early weeks and months but apparently the recycling gets less frequent and less intense over time. How much time though? It’s not fun, I’ll give you that. I’ve just relied heavily on my friends the last few days but I am beginning to think they must dread hearing from me at this stage as I;m such a misery guts. I try not to be but find I’m completely obsessed with what, why, how, what if blah blah. Here’s to moving in to a different gear. The question is how to get the heart to move to where the head is …
Thanks for the encouragement Nese. Interesting your thought that wanting them to call so you can ignore them is related to wanting to feel wanted and co-dependency, abandonment etc. I agree, and am 100% in agreement about how awful rejection is. I got back from work yesterday, having had to spend 4 hours in agroup with my ex, that was bad enough but when I got home I realised there’d been an attempted break-in. I was shocked and scared and it finished me off in terms of huge emotional response. After the police etc. had left, I had such a huge sense of loss, of being alone, of being scared, of having no one, for the time, to be there with me, for me, to comfort me after something awful had happened. I don’t think I ever felt as alone as I did last night. It really hit home. This is it. Just me.
Interesting your thoughts re. a love fix and chemicals … Susan Anderson in her book talks about that too. Helps to know it I guess. I like your line about extent of pain does not equal extent of love. Again I can accept it mentally but the old emotions are trailing way behind and just keep on shouting back ‘we’re not fooled!!, we do really love him’
Great to hear though that you have seen clear progress in yourself, from the crying all the time every day (check), to the crying most days, to hardly ever crying. Great progress. I am still stuck on every day but some days it’s down to once or twice. That’s progress. On days I see him there are usually big episodes. But it’s great to hear you see progress over time. There is hope! Thanks for that
Beatrice, if I didn’t know better I would think you were me….yes, I was miserable at work, looked bad, no hiding it. Then I started to look/feel better only to re-cycle and have bad days or moments.
would wake up every morning at 1:30am and ruminate about him until it ws time to get up for work at 6am. Averaging only 3 hours sleep per night. No appetite, etc.
Guess it isn’t uncommon.
And yes, those stupid old emotions keep playing with our sanity….knowing, logically, what is going on but emotionally not being strong enough to push those bad thoughts away and getting on with our lives.
Everything we read and Susan has said is true. We can get through it and it is a process…..I just am so impatient!
I wish you happiness and peace….soon! I send you hugs….you aren’t alone. We are all in this together and daily we help each other. Thanks for helping me!
Beatrice, I’m so sorry about the attempted break-in. You deserve something really good to happen to you after all this mess!
To answer your question – four weeks NC tomorrow. Which was the minimum window I gave him to not contact me. What would I do if he contacted me? Every time I think of it, I come up with a different answer. :) Sometimes I ignore it, sometimes I tell him off, sometimes I wish him well. Ha.
He’s moving far away this summer (which was the ‘official’ reason for the breakup….though in retrospect it needed to happen anyway). So, I kind of assume I will hear from him before he goes or when he gets where he’s going. I’d like to wish him well, but I have nothing really to say to him. And I certainly don’t need to hear him bragging about his new life. Plus during one of my ‘heart racing’ experiences this week I found out he’s lying to my friends about who did the breaking up (”I am not sure why she stopped talking to me, I wanted to keep our relationship going long distance”). Argh. Maybe to make himself look less like the bad guy, maybe to do me a favor, god only knows. But that also threw me off for a bit as it is so far from the unequivocal ‘you are not the one’ conversation we actually had. You’d think that alone would make my response to him be silence, right?? Again, for you and Nese, I simply can’t fathom facing him every day, or even periodically, at work. Yuck.
On a related note, I am wondering if Kalo82 is out there…she got an email from her ex and was going to sit on it for a couple of days. Kalo??
Sunshine – feel better! Anderson’s book will help you a lot, I am sure of it.
Hi Newday, certainly sounds like he doesn’t want to be painted as the bad guy. I mean, if when you split up he said it was because you were not the one, for him now to be telling people he’s confused as to why you’re not in contact and how he’d hoped to maintain his relationship with you long distance – what an outright lie! I’m sure it wasn’t meant as a favour to you. My God. He sounds a bit like my ex, desperate for people to believe that he is Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Perfect and total people pleaser. I don’t know waht you should do, did you tell your friend that what your ex said certainly wasn’t true? I’d be tempted to jump in and put the person striaght. Though I know you shouldn’t probably, I;d say people here and Susan would recommend retaining a dignified silence. Tough one. At least though he will be gone in the near future, I’d definitely be better able to move on if my ex wasn’t around me the whole time. Does your fancy company by any chance (would he bring my ex with him???!!). Could we send all our exes off together to drive each other insane?
hey Newday,
Thanks for thinking of me.
i’m around. i decided to agree to see the ex, but on my terms and on my time…and that means in a couple of weeks. i have the GRE coming up and i dont need any more distractions. i am proud of myself for having that resistance to wait and make him wait to talk to me. it’s just an example of how far i’ve come. if this happened a month or so ago, maybe i would have agreed to meet him right away.
i need the next few weeks to prepare myself for all the possible outcomes and to set my boundaries.
he was a good guy. he just wasnt ready for a commiment. it sounds like i am making excuses for him…mabye i am.
but i know i am a much stronger person now and i wont put myself in a position to get hurt again…at least i feel that i am capable of that.
but i do want to give him the opportunity/chance to let me know his feelings/thoughts at the time. he was never one to really express his emotions–which is why i was surprised to hear from him and hear him say that he wants to talk to me b/c he believes he can give me a better understanding of what was going through his head at the time. i feel like i want to give him that chance. we were together for 4 years…a great 4 years…
so that’s my situation now. but i’ve still got my head on tight and my feet are firm to the ground. i’ve journaled some, but i’m also just taking it easy and studying and hanging out with friends (in fact, i am going out of town for a day-trip!)—so far no major distractions (i.e. thinking about him and what he wants to say, etc…surprisingly!)
Beatrice,
I like that phrase “signified silence”
My friend once told me that guys respond to No Contact. I didnt believe her at the time…but boy, was it true for me. My ex contacted me after nearly a month of total NC from me. I was surprised…but I guess he was shocked to not hear from me…b/c i was always the one who came back and wanted to work things out when we had arguements.
oops..i meant “Dignified silence”
waannnnn… Now I feel like whining so much! If there is any contact between X and me, I WANT it from him. Because, just like you kalo82, I always went crawling back to him. But naaa… How can I expect it from a guy who was willing to throw 5 years of togetherness out of window and get engaged to another girl within a week of break-up? And yet… since we still haven’t separated the stuff, there is bound to be another contact. This time around I WANT it from him. But guess what… about 7 and half weeks since breakup and complete NC, he hasn’t called, reason being obvious…
It’s incidents like these that just keep that false hope burning in the mind, you know…GOSH.. ENOUGH OF IT ALREADY.. and yet I know I am going to have that cigar butt still smoking at the back of my mind. The problem is, the back of my mind and its front are separated by lightyears. It really takes years for the information at the front to penetrate to the back. I need a warp, a wormhole in my mind’s spacetime that would get me there in a snap….
Sorry about your break-in Beatrice, you poo