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There are 3 “phases” of grief: 1) shock and denial, 2) great emotion, 3) acceptance, reorganization and integration.
The bulk of grief work is done in the middle phase which is where all the emotional turmoil takes place.
Phase One: Shock and Disbelief
Sometimes when a breakup is sudden, it seems too much to deal with and the mind goes numb, shutting down and refusing to deal for a time. It could be a minute, a day, weeks or months. Sometimes people stay in contact to avoid truly moving on or facing the cold, hard fact that they have broken up. They will call each other, write each other, not tell friends and family and generally play the “if I don’t acknowledge it maybe it will go away” game. If one person is taking it hard and maintaining contact, the other may indulge them for a while, unsure of how to go on from here. Either way, both people are in denial and need to decide if they are broken up or if they’re not.
To move through this phase, acknowledge that you had a loss and resolve to work through it.
Phase Two: Review and Painful Relinquishment
If you are the person who did not see the breakup coming, the shock stage will probably last longer. You may feel as if you were punched in the solar plexus. You might feel as if the world is moving beneath your feet. You may feel that there is an unimaginable void in your world that you can’t do anything about. You may feel lost, and alone, and in incredible pain. These are the normal emotions of grief.
Review is a necessary part of the grief process. This can be upsetting because it may seem like you cannot stop thinking about your relationship or your ex. You might recount the breakup scene over and over again. You wish your mind would shut it all off, but it doesn’t. It seems to continue on and on.
This can be maddening, but it is necessary to review the relationship in order to work through it and be over it. Thinking about them constantly does not mean that you can’t get over it, it means that you are getting over it. While it can be crazy-making, the constant rumination is about letting go, not holding on. Yes it will drive you crazy but just know that the healing process DEMANDS that you play the movie in your head over and over again to sift through the ruins. To cry about the good times, to get angry (again) about the bad times, to wonder where it all went wrong. Yes, this phase is HARD and it HURTS but its necessary.
Devastation
Let’s go back to the breakup scene. The person you are in love with, and whom you thought was in love with you, says it’s over. Even if it was expected, even if you were not getting along, even if you knew there was a chance that things were not going to work out, you are devastated.
If you did not see it coming, you’re even more devastated. If it ended because they cheated on you, or they lied to you, or they abused you in some way, it’s even more devastating. Even if some of those traumatic scenes did not happen to you, do not minimize your feelings. Do not say, “Oh, but it didn’t happen in a bad way.” It happened the way it happened, and it hurts, and that’s all you need to know. Do not rationalize or justify your feelings away. Your feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. Let them be.
Do not mistake the amount of pain you feel for the amount of love you had for that person. Your level of pain has to do with your own sensitivity, the other unresolved losses in your life, and how many secondary losses you may have experienced as a result of this breakup. The pain is normal and healthy even if it feels like it is not.
Disorganization and Confusion
After a breakup, you might also feel physically incapacitated in some way. You have trouble sleeping, or you sleep too much. You can’t think. You become accident-prone. You have trouble putting a sentence together. You have no idea what’s going on. This is normal. It is all part of the disorganization of grief. You feel scattered; you feel overwhelmed by feelings.
Grieving causes confusion and disorganization. Be gentle with yourself during these many iterations of the grief process. Allow the normal and natural grief process to happen. It is an ultimately healing process and you will be glad you went through it.
The sadness and disorganization feels extreme to people who are experiencing it for the first time. This is often when people try to shut it down and repress what they are feeling. Don’t do it. It’s hard but allow yourself to fall apart; allow yourself the disorganization and confusion.
There will be days when your mind feels fuzzy, like you have a mental flu or something. You might find yourself unable to remember things. You might miss appointments or forget important matters. Write things down. Keep your schedule light. Realize you’re going through something and don’t chastize yourself for being forgetful. Try to put some reminders in place and don’t overload your schedule. Be gentle with yourself.
Anger
After a breakup, anger is an appropriate reaction. When something has been taken away, people feel angry. Feeling the anger is okay. Acting on the anger is not. You can and should acknowledge your anger, own your anger, write about your anger, talk about your anger and eventually it will dissipate. What you should not do is act out or lash out in anger. That is not okay.
If you try to repress your anger because you think that your anger is “unacceptable” or “bad” or “wrong” it will manifest itself in other ways. Some people refuse to acknowledge anger but go through life taking it out on other people, acting irritated all the time, being prone to bad moods and acting generally foul and bitter. These are all variations of unexpressed anger. If you have been going through life in an unexplained sour mood, you may have anger issues.
Facing the anger for the first time may result in not just feeling angry, but feeling rageful. Acknowledging your losses and your anger can be overwhelming. It’s good to acknowledge it and let it out but not to TAKE IT OUT on anyone. Be mindful when you are driving or interacting with other people that you are angry and don’t take your anger out on the wrong people. That is NOT okay. It’s not even okay to take it out on the person who is the reason for your anger. Your anger belongs to you. Own it. Deal with it.
There is an expression that depression is anger turned inward. Conversely, anger is often sadness turned outward. After you express anger you may feel incredibly sad and exhausted. Working out anger often leads to sadness and visa versa. Know that sadness and anger are two sides of the same coin.
Guilt
Guilt is a normal part of the grief process. No matter how good you were in the relationship, we are human, and there will always be guilt about what was done or not done, what was said or not said. The guilt can lead you to think you caused the breakup, and if you just apologize enough or do things differently, it will all be okay. You cannot move on if you still think you can fix it, or obsess about what you did or did not do. Guilt often comes from thinking we have control where we have none. Guilt stems from our inability to accept what has happened, and a misguided sense of having power over the situation of being able to go back and fix it.
There is no way to go back and redo it, and even if you could, it does not change the outcome. What happened has happened. Going back is not going to be productive.
Dwelling on the past is not going to change things. Obsessing about trying to change things, or being guilty, is keeping you from your work. Even if you could change it, it’s over. Deal with that.
Searching
After any loss, the mind tries to put the world back the way it was. If someone or something is lost, there is an impulse to look for it. It is the mind’s way of reordering the world the way it “should” be. This results in the urge to search.
It is uncomfortable but it passes…the less you give into it, the easier it gets. The more you give into it, the harder it gets. You don’t want to lose your way or get into an accident…you want to stay strong and know where you are. Journal. Write letters to the ex that you don’t mail. Sit on your hands. Call a friend and say you’re going crazy can you talk. Go to a movie. Do SOMETHING but don’t connect.
You will cycle through all these emotions several times. It’s hard and it hurts but get enough rest, have support in your life, eat right, exercise and start finding new interests and new friends.
You can get through the feelings. It’s all just temporary. YOU CAN DO THIS.
A more comprehensive description of the grief process after a breakup is available in the book Getting Past Your Breakup. Click HERE
to order.
This post was. My girlfriend of six months left me abut two and half months ago and I found this site shortly after. While six months is not long, the break up was devastating for me. This post may be your best yet Susan because it is almost like you are talking directly to me. I slipped up a few times early on (contacting the ex and pathetically begging her to take me back), but everything and every step you mention in this post, I have gone through. The initial shock, the anger, the guilt, the confusion, the hope she would come back.
I am just about there and not seeing or talking to her for two months has helped. I unconsciously think about her less and less everyday and have begun to enjoy what I used to enjoy before meeting her again. It still hurts like hell when I do think about her, but I am getting there.
Thanks Susan!
I was away from my home country for 6weeks and when I came back my girlfriend of 1year 3months told me she didn’t have feelings for me anymore. 1week later, she admitted that she has got a new boyfriend for about 2weeks now while I was away. I was heartbroken as she said I was the only guy she would ever love and want to marry. It’s been a few weeks that I’ve been griefing and it’s been terrible. I’m dying here and she’s basking in the love of a new relationship. I have problems sleeping, thinking straight and eating while she goes out of her dates with her new boyfriend and fills up her online profile with new pictures of them. After visiting her profile once, I decided to stop causing myself more pain. Cheating girlfriend. And I suffer.
God bless me.
One of the best posts I’ve ever seen on dealing with a breakup. My exboyfriend of 6 months and I split up almost 2 months ago. I’ve been through all these stages. Now not only I accept it’s over, but I think it’s the best option. He didn’t treat me well during the last two months and now I’m feeling angry. That’s the only feeling left. I feel I didn’t defend myself when he treated me so unfairly and even cruelly, and on top of that I took all the blame. Some days I feel like writing a letter with all the grievances and tell him how screwed up he is. But then I think it would take me hours to write such letter and that it’s more productive to concentrate on my own projects, on the life I want to create for myself, and on chainging myself, my confidence in my own perceptions. If I write and send the letter I would still be looking for validation, and that is exactly what made me take the last two bad months. It’s great that the article lets you know that all those thoughts and behaviors that make you feel you’re not progressing are actually part of getting over it. Thank you Susan!!!
Susan, you’re a God-send. Thank you so much for writing this–you have no idea how much it has helped me. One question: my ex and I attend the same church and so I see her from time to time there and at other events where we share friends and when I do, I feel this well-spring of emotions overcome me inside and I feel like I am moving backwards. Should I avoid this church service or just see her, and do my best to avoid her without being rude (that is difficult I find)? I also have the option of going to a different service but my other friends attend this one so I would prefer not too–plus, it is the most convenient time for me. Thanks for your recommendations.
Pete
This information is just what I need. My ex-girlfriend and I broke up a week ago today after 4 years and I am having a hard time dealing with it. The break up was not unexpected but I can’t seem to stop thinking about how to make things right. It helped for the first few days to talk with her, but I am finding it even harder to deal with now. This information was blunt and to the point with no false hopes created that the relationship can work out. Thanks a lot. This information will be put to good use and read a few times over the first few days.
Susan,
After many days of denial, reading your website was just what my sister needed to do to get her life back on track. She was pretending to be fine…I think you call this “minimization”..but now she is on track to go through all three phases of grief. Thank you for helping her make this very important transformation. A few dishes have been broken in the process…but it was all well worth it.
Best for your work in the future,
K
Susan,
Thank you so much for all of this advice. My boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me a few days ago. I guess i could see it coming because we both thought that it would happen(some people didn’t like us together) but i didn’t think that it would end the way that he made it end. I had been wondering what was going to happen after that break-up and i wanted to know what i was really going through. I found it all! Thank you so much, it’s just what i needed.
Susan,
What you said here really touched my feelings. Me and my girlfriend had been together for 2 years 4months. I noticed things starting to head downhill at around the 2 year mark…We broke up 3 weeks ago, still deeply in love with each other. Up until yesterday, we were both in denial, seeing each other, being intimate, acting as though its ok to act like this, but it hit me like a brick one night on the way home. What we are doing isnt right. I told her we need to break up for real, and now i come to find out she is talking to another person in a dating way. Is that her way of grieving? We both dont doubt that we love each other truely, and i feel the urge to one day try to rekindle this love…is it possible? Mind you, im still in the very first days of this long and grueling process, i just want a concrete answer, not false hope. Maybe months apart will do us good, but will there ever be another chance of us being together again…
My girlfriend of five years told me a few days ago that she doesn’t love me that way anymore and that she wants our relationship to end. But at the same time, she wants us to be as close as before minus the romantic parts, as we are the best of friends. I don’t want to stay away from her because that would be a betrayal on my part as her best friend but I think I won’t be able to escape feeling the pain when I’m with her, knowing that things are not the same anymore and that I’ve lost part of her. She insists I’ve not lost her but how can that be? My status in her life has changed forever. Unlike before where I have exclusivity in my relationship with her, I will now have to face insecurities and live with the fear of losing her even as a best friend and soulmate. The question of what happens to me if she meets a new love interest is never far from my thoughts. Will she find a new best friend and soulmate in her new love? I’m worried I’ll turn into a possessive friend who is always suspicious of whether my best friend has found someone else but is not telling me. I’ll be living a life of fear, always fearing and bracing for the end of this great time. I’ve learnt that love is an illusion that only serves to hurt in the end. It gives you a few moments of great joy but brings a lifetime of suffering. It’s the most dangerous drug known to us.
This would have been very helpful 18 years ago.
I went through all of that 18 years ago. It’s all real.
I’m glad to have found this. Wisdom redefined.
I was heart broken mid June when my love of 2 1/2 years decided that he didn’t love me like he used to, and couldn’t see us having a future together. My heart still hurts – even though some days are easier than others. last week was good- this week, terrible. I can’t quit remembering all the things we did, being with him and his family (which I miss terribly!) and just that I’ll just be ‘another one’ to him… It’s heart wentching! I can be strong, happy, and dealing and build myself up, and the next hour, I’m weeping again. I know these steps are necessary, but it gets tiring having to keep youself so strong all the time. There is another cause of my on-going pain; we work together. (please, I don’t need anybody else telling me how wrong that was even to get involved… I’ve heard it!!!) I’m searching for another job, but it’s taken some time. It makes me angry, too, that I’m taking this ‘out’, when I really want to tell him HE should be the one getting the new job and out of my life every day!
AGain, I know the only way out of the pain is ‘through’, but it just seems so unfair, that I was the one who wasn’t wanted anymore…
[...] Last Phase of Grief: Reorganization, Integration and Acceptance In the “Emotions of Grief After A Breakup” post, I said that there are three phases of grief. In that post I wrote about the first two because [...]
Thank you so much for this info. I was in a relationship for 12 years and have 2 children with my ex. We separated in Feb. 2006 (after being unhappy for at least a year) but remained in constant contact (even aside from the children) and talked about possibly getting back together. Two weeks ago, I found out that he has been seeing someone for four years and loves the woman. I am of course devastated and am going through so many of the stages that you mention above. It helps to know that everything I am feeling is normal i.e., constantly wanting to talk to him to figure our what went wrong, being angry at him (I read your posting too late and already took out my anger at him in a phone call), etc.
Your posting gives me hope that I can and will make it through this and that it is normal to not “get over it” as quickly as people think I should since we were already separated.
Thank you.
Thank you for this post. I’m sure it sounds crazy, but this is what I’ve been going through as I work through feelings of grief for my therapist. I developed an incredibly intense emotional attachment to him during therapy that was only made worse afterwards because I kept seeing him through mutual friends, community activities, and I also communicated with him through email. I have been feeling awful, worse than even before I started therapy, because the longing to be near this person is so intense, and I never felt that close or safe with anyone in my life before. Also, he did so much for me, and he seems to feel strongly about many of the same things I do, so I keep thinking I won’t be able to find anyone else like him. I know this wasn’t technically a “breakup”, but it sure feels similar to what you’re describing. I will try to keep this stuff in mind and also force myself not to write to him anymore.
Jane
Jane, it doesn’t sound crazy but it also sounds as if your therapist did not have good boundaries with you. From what you’re writing here, it sounds like you weren’t really safe. If he is allowing the relationship to continue in email, that’s not safe.
Take care of you, do your work around this and please take some time to go to another therapist and talk about this with them (hopefully a female). I don’t know the situation but it sounds like there might be major transference/counter transference issues here and its something that should be dealt with. Good luck and thanks for stopping by.
Thank you for the truth, and the gentleness in which you wrote it.
In December my partner ended our 17 year relationship, I’m still in a mess. Alot of what you have said in your post I have went through but I think I am still in limbo and can’t move on. He hasn’t officially came out and told me we are over yet but since I haven’t heard or seem him since December and also due to the fact that he has been seeing someone else (which I now believe he was seeing before we split up) I think it is safe to think we’re over. I think about him every minute I don’t go out anymore, I lost all my friends as they were mutual friends I go to work and come home that’s all. I can’t find enjoyment in anything anymore and don’t know how to get past this, it’s been 8 months and I thought it would have got a little easier to deal with by now but it hasn’t. I don’t know who I am without him, and I avoid going to shops etc where i might see him as I am totally terrified to death of meeting him as I think it would kill me. I feel completely alone and isolated but I shall try to remember your advice and hope that some day soon I’ll see some light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks.
its all come as such a shock to me. an engagement and a relationship for 5 years is now over. i didnt see it coming, and it’s knocked me for six. he admitted he didnt love me and hes been cheating on me (3 times infact). i feel so blind and i keep blaming myself – even though he was the one who cheated. we were school sweethearts and now i just feel so vulnerable and alone. ive isolated myself from my family and even my friends, i can’t face any of them. he said he wanted to be friends, but he also said he wants to know what its like with another woman. kick me whilst im down heh? the pain is so intense, ive lost a stone in a week and i think iv’e developed an eating disorder. i dont know what to do. iv’e broken contact from him for a week now, but its so hard. i blame myself constantly. i just want the pain to end. please help.
I was amazed to read your analysis and I can identify with everything you are describing. My problem is that I had a sequence of failed relationship (starting with my very first one, which kind of set a pattern for all that followed), and have become something like a ’serial griever’ or something. There is so much accumulated pain that life for me became unbearable. I also noticed that, while I have intenese feelings of grief (and all elements of it you describe) and have intense experience of my inner world, i will often feel completely numb to things happening on the outside. I find some of my emotional reactions completely inappropriate, and at times even feel like I am losing touch with reality (quite literally; I catch myself talking or laughing to myself on the bus, or while I am walking on the street, I have developped some habits that very much resemble obssessive compulsive behavior etc.) I just wish the pain would stop, but at this point I see no end, and I think I am only growing weaker. Thank you for your post, though, it does help some when all is laid out in wrting like that.
(I apologize for any bad spelling or grammar, I am not a native speaker of English)
Thank you for writing this. My boyfriend of two years unexpectedly decided to split with me just today and I am at total loss of what to do. As it was the first time I’d been in love it was very comforting to know that I’m not alone in the way I feel (which is mostly just numbness and utter shock at the moment). Thank you for giving me a glimpse of optimism for the future as I could certainly not have had this without you.
This text is such a morale booster for me. I am trying to deal with not exactly a breakup, but a heartbreak of what I thought was a promising relationship–after 15 years of sporadically running into each other. I’m starting to heal–very, very slowly.
I wish my boyfriend had actually “broken up”. He just started avoiding me, not responding ect. I was lost. I told myself that I was overreacting that we were probably fine, but all of my instincts told me it was over. The fact that he never came out and said “goodbye, it’s over”, made it so much more humiliating and me feel so worthless. But it does get better, every day, even if it’s just a little.
Hi Jillian,
His inability to man-up and end the relationship has nothing to do with you. He is a coward. It’s all about him and his issues and problems.
Don’t take his cowardice personally. Just be glad to be rid of this spineless person. Do your work and come out on the other side. You can do this! Best of luck to you.
Thank you Susan!
This starts my day with a smile – you’re right – there is no future with someone who is a coward, he’ll deal with all his difficult issues by running and hiding – won’t he?
Best wishes and Thank YOU!
My Girlfriend of two and a half years broke up with me this past July. I wanted to continue the relationship, we both love(d)? eachother very much, but she didn’t think that with her intense time commitments from her rigorous college she would be able to hold up her end of the relationship. In retrospect, she hadn’t been as intimate or generous with her time/self the entire last 6 months of our relationship. (Part of me wants to think that she had stopped loving me, and the other part hopes she was genuinely busy and distracted.)
The Irony is that earlier in our relationship we were both proud of how we had cooperated and worked hard to make time for eachother through our busy schedules. I’ve got a pair of notes seperated by two years that say exactly the opposite thing: “Thank you for staying…” and “I’m sorry we have to end this…”
I have been cycling through grief stages for the past 3+ months, and each time I go through them, they seem less intense than before, but tonight I was able to read the breakup messages and the only thing I felt was pitty for her, because she did love me and she was genuinely sorry for having to end our relationship.
I’ve been very angry with her, and I guess I’ve tried to vilify her in my own mind. I’ve tried to make her out to be the cowardly, cold, man-hater. Is that normal? The more important question is: is it healthy? I’m afraid that if I start to break down my defenses that I will remember how “great” she was and the repeat the grief cycle again. It’s hard not to “hate” her, but it’s even harder not to fall in love with her again.
(It’s also difficult not to wonder what will happen when we’re both done with college. If we got back together, would she put her carrier before Me/Us again?)
Thank you for your helpfull and wonderful articles.
Mike–I relate to your description about going through the cycles more than once. Sometimes we really do have to cycle through grief repeatedly until it is out of our system. If we are willing to do that and not avoid it, we really do heal. think if you keep cycling through the grief stages, you will reach a point where you do not hate her OR fall in love with her all over again. That is how it worked for me in my last breakup. The grief was intense for me as much old (unresolved) grief came up. I grieved a bunch of stuff at once and cycled through the stages many times. It was an intense time this past spring and part of the summer, but it was worth it. Don’t judge your feelings as you cycle through–they won’t last forever and they are trying to help you let it all go.
Kathy
Thank you very very much Kathy. I’ve been trying to connect with people that have grieved before so they can help me through this process, and it has helped a lot. I’m in a calm part of my cycle (wow that sounded more feminine than I intended) and it feels nice to not feel strongly either way about her right now.
Dear Susan,
Thanks alot for taking the time to write that massive piece of blog. Even though I might only be 16 years old, I did indeed recognize just about everything you wrote about. Breaking up at this age might be different then as being an adult, or maybe it isn’t, but it’s certain that after reading this blog I can actually view at myself from a different perspective and move on in life. I’m still young.
Thanks again,
~Stonetotem (I’d rather not give out my real name)
Stone, thanks for being here. I wish I knew then (at 16) what I know now! Hope it help you avoid some of the hard lessons a lot of us had to go through!
Hey All, its me again! I have had some time this weekend, after just joining, to post various comments on what I think. I have found some time to read just about everything on this website thus far, and if I could offer some more advice, I would be glad to do so, I know, even though I am 27, some of you may think I do not have that much experience, but I keep on learning every day and have learned alot from my own experiences as well as from others, I have had the opportunity to meet many people (including some from various countries around the world), so I incorportate my own thoughts, my education and other people’s experiences into what I have to say.
Here are my thoughts based off of particular situations I have read from people’s exprience from this site:
About the girl who was down to 98 pounds, I would suggest that you stop and look at yourself, you are becoming unhealthy and you are “withering” away like a dying rose. Little do know how beautiful of a flower you really are. You need to replenish yourself, put nutrients back into your body, and you need to grow again. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you, it is never too late to grow again!!
About the girl who wanted to possibly end her life: DO NOT DO IT!! You are much better than that. I have read a book about suicide, and it is NOT the answer. You need to contact someone immediately and let them know about how you are feeling. She said that she did not want to get help, felt too ashamed, then go for help to someone else, there has got to be SOMEONE!! Listen, I heard once on the radio about a preacher talking and he said that when we die, we leave with the same feelings we had when we were alive, another words, if we are depressed and angry, when we die we still leave with depression and anger. Of course, this is only a belief, so you can choose whether you want to believe it or not. SUICIDE is NOT the answer, it is NOT the way out!
For those of you with children, please think of them and the caretaker you need to be, the parent that you need to be. They CANNOT take care of themselves! (trust me on that). There are numerous stories out there with divorce and children involved and how people DO get over it and move on. Two examples I have: 1st story: My brother got a divorce 5 years ago and he was devastated, his ex-wife cheated and they have two little kids. She kicked him out and he lost everything. The reason why I know he was devastated, because he moved in with my mom and I was living at home at the time too (working my way through a community college) and I saw his depression and pain everyday, everyday he slept on the couch and would not barely get up and barely eat. He did not want to see his kids at first, he felt like a terrible dad. With TIME he GRADUALLY got better. He got a different job, started getting rewarded at his job, started making connections with some old friends for support and gradually got better. He SWORE up and down that he would NEVER move in with some girl again and get serious, well, guess what, he NOW lives in a house with his new girlfriend of 1.5 years, and lives close to my mom’s. She has a little boy too and so my niece and nephew have someone to play with. He is doing MUCH better now. 2ND story: I just watched a show last night on the History channel about a husband and wife who were missionaries and they got held hostage in the Phillipines for over a year. The husband ended up getting shot, from a surprise attack and now she lives without him and their 3 kids, now without a father. I think it would be reasonable to compare loosing someone to a breakup, kind of like loosing someone that has died. You think they are gone forever. Listen, there are ways to get through this, read this site, seek professional help if needed, join support groups. My sister died in a car accident in 1996, I lost my best friend, she was forever gone. She is in my dreams now. The pain is real, you need to feel it, you will not be healed over night. It takes time and you need to allow yourself that time!
For those of you, like me, who have had 2 year to 4 month relationships, read my other posts, that may help you. I felt everything that you are feeling.
Lastly, I agree with Susan on staying NO FRIENDS with the other person. I stayed friends for 2 years with this last person that I recently decided “NO CONTACT” anymore. He and I were like best friends, met here in MI in summer of 2005 and then he moved away to start his private practice in Colorado (he is a dentist). I really thought we were “soul mates”, that I had finally found “the one”. However, by staying friends, I only harbored the feelings and they grew and grew over time. I thought that maybe he felt the same about me, from our conversations on the phone/email and with a recent visit that he was planning, I thought maybe he wanted more. However, I find out that that probably was not the case. Now, I am left with losts of questions and pain and sadness. BUT I feel myself getting better and I can recognize the feelings of grief and am gradually healing.
I hope this helps!
Take Care All,
“Coping in Michigan”
3 weeks ago the love of my life for 2 1/2 years left me for someone in one of her classes in college. The most horrible thing was after every time wed get into a small argument she would always say to me ” please don’t hurt me, I’ve been hurt too many times before” She was my first true love and her family took me in. it is totally out of character for her to do this and I am totally devastated. All I can think about is wanting to die. The thought of her being with someone else so fast after leaving me makes me sick to my stomach. I have barely been able to eat more than 1 meal a day for the past few weeks. Out relationship was long distance (about 3 hours apart) I never had a problem with it for I am a very patient person. I had lost my father to cancer when i was younger and was never able to really let the walls down for anyone to get close to me. When we met I was 23 and she was 19. I am 25 and she is 21 now and I have attempted avoiding contact with her but she IM’d me the other day saying how she misses me and then I can’t help but go off on her and tell her how I feel betrayed and back stabbed by her. i truly love this girl with all my heart and the time we’ve had together was so incredible. It is so much harder being so close with her family and all it is eating me alive. I just don’t feel like I can go on any longer like this. I have shut out all my friends and family. It’s so hard to be social and pretend am not miserable right now. I just feel like a total failure and wish I had done some things differently in our relationship. She always told me I was the best boyfriend shes ever had and she is(was) the most important person in my life. It is just so hard because I was never able to truly express how I feel abut her until it was too late. As of the past few months she has suffered from depression and has been on anti anxiety meds and sleeping medication. The last weekend we spent together ended in an argument because she didn’t agree with one of my hobbies (poker) which we would constantly argue about even though it is a great secondary source of income for me and I live in the city which is very expensive. Half of me was saying just give up the poker and make her happy, but the other half was saying If you give this up its just a matter of time before its something else I have to give up and it then becomes a controlling relationship. The day after that fight she said i need to think about things for a week and then said we should break up. Then after losing my mind for 2 days she calls back and admits to seeing someone else. The kicker is the following week she admits that she never cheated on me, (which I don’t know whether I can believe or not) but the guy left hes girlfriend to be with her. So now not only am I completely shocked, but the anger I am feeling is indescribable. This is not like her at all. She had been partying up at school with her roommates the last semester, going out drinking all the time she she smokes marijuana a lot too which I haven’t really had issues with. i just feel like I’ve lost my best friend in the entire world. I apologize for the long post, but my whole world is collapsing right now and I feel empty and alone.
I felt exactly the same way – empty and alone. Don’t worry about what she’s doing – focus on yourself and how everyday your getting a little better. You will be amazed at how strong you are – trust me, you will get through this. I never thought another man could replace what I thought was the love of my life. Yet here I am, in love, and thanking God that I had been free to meet him.
You have so much to look forward to! Believe it.
wow i really can’t believe everyone is going through the same thing as me! it’s amazing. my boyfriend (of 10 months) dumped me 2 months ago. just like all the other stories here, i was totally devastated. i went a whole month without talking to him and then talked to him. that “friendship” slowly devolved again. and he ended up saying “look, i’m a bad influence in your life” and voila, rejection all over again.
thank you so much for such a great entry. it is so true. i feel like the 2 month mark is totally the anger phase. that’s all i have left to deal with.
thank you, blogger. thank you, responders. it was very nice to read all of this.
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Im 19 nowm and in my life I had a lot of girls.. but never a real one.
About a month ago I met this girl and she was awesome, incredible and always smily and happy to see me.
She was the one that wanted to start the relationship and the first one to tell me “I love u”.
I wasnt really sure to do this at first but then I realized how much I cared about her and actually LOVED HER.
About 2 weeks ago I felt she became cold towards me and she didnt wanna see me that much or even have sex that much.
Las weekend she just disappeared and didnt answer my calls or text messages. I saw her on monday and when we went up to her room, I saw she was different. I was trying to understand what happened but she wasnt really clear and suddently, she started crying and started telling me how amazing i was and I was such a great guy and that she was happy that I chose her.
The day after I went to the gym but once again she told me she needed some space for a while and that she wanted to go to the pool. After I worked out, I went up to her room and the door was unlocked, I could hear music coming from inside. I knocked and stepped in and what I saw just shocked me. She was standing up with her baiting suit on and a guy with just a towel around his waste was trying to hide somewhere. I flipped on her but I then realized how much I cared about her. She told me she messed up but she was scared on how things were going between us. Before meeting me, she was in a relationship for 2 years and she told me that she never felt that much love for a person in just a month and that she really regrets what she did.
I loved her.. so I told her I was ready to forgive her and that I didnt care what happened and I wanted to get back with her. The day after we went to dinner togheter and she kept saying she loved me and she was imagining our life in 10 years.
Well the day after that she told me she couldnt sleep cause she felt horrible for what she did to me and she needed sometime by herself without seeing any guy.
I still kept in touch with her and she told me to go out for dinner again yesterday evening and we were just acting like friends. at the end of the dinner she told me she was gonna go over our friends’ house and she was gonna call me when she got back.
Well guess what happened? She never called me back. I was talking with one of her friends and she told me she is still seeing that guy. But, the thing that shocked me the most is that the guy she went to chill with wasnt the guy I saw her cheating with that day.
I still feel she wants to spend time with me but I dont get why..
What should I do?
I forgot to mention that after she came back from that weekend she desappeared and started crying for no reason I even told her: Please tell me if there is any guy involved, I would understand me… just dont let me catch u doing something stupid..”
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Hi Susan
Thanks for this, It validates some of what I have been going through. My boyfriend of 1.5 years who I love to a ridiculous degree admitted to cheating on me a few times at the start of our relationship (early on but after we had agreed to being in a committed relationship). He has lied and lied since to cover this up, even though my suspicions have been driving me mad. The rest of our relationship has been amazing and if it weren’t for this we would be perfect for each other… but these are pretty big things.
I’ve been going through this cycle but can’t break contact because I haven’t found somewhere else to move to yet. I have to choose whether to try and make this work or not whilst going through everything you have described. The only contradiction to what you have written is that I have been taking my anger out on him – desperate for him to understand what he has done to me. He wants to do anything he can to make up for this and save the relationship but I don’t see how I can make decisions like that whilst going through the grief – not that the relationship is over, but that it wasn’t there in the beginning.
Your post helps though.
It’s very hard to grieve fully while still in the relationship, still in contact or still trying to decide if it’s going to work or not. Grieving can only be completed when it’s truly over.
I don’t understand what you are grieving when you are still trying to decide. Are you deciding not to decide? What are you trying to grieve? I’m not understanding th is.
You have to make your choice first and then grieve.
I’m not sure either, maybe its not grief!! But your article is exactly what I have been going through though.
Maybe grieving the loss of the perfect relationship I thought I had? Or maybe its just a reaction to the shock. Maybe I’m wrong and its not a shock because I was suspicious for so long anyway. I just can’t believe how consistently he has lied, not seeing what it was doing to me – he says he cares but he has done such awful things.
Maybe I’m wrong, maybe its not grief, but whatever it is the symptoms are the same…..
My situation is that my boyfriend and I met and lived together for a time, but because of immigration issues, he had to return to his country. After he returned, we continued our relationship while he pursued obtaining a visa to return to the U.S. Unfortunately, in June his request was denied. Since that time, our communication greatly diminished as he told me he needed his “space”. I spoke with him yesterday and found that a couple months ago, he began seeing someone else and is in another relationship.
I am, therefore, just getting through the “denial” phase of my grief. Even though we have been physically separated for some time now, I held onto hope that somehow we would and could be together again. I suspected that he was trying to “move on” by limiting contact with me, but I just could not “not know” what was going on with him and how he was doing, even though I knew that the chances of his coming back were very slim.
I am not angry that he is moving on with his life and in another relationship. We cannot be together due to immigration policies and so I didn’t expect him to be alone for the rest of his life. But I feel so much pain, and sting, and jealousy — it should be ME. I love him so much still, and I am just now accepting — it is over. I have this strong need to stay in contact with him, but I know in my soul that, as this article suggests, it would only prolong my agony. My thoughts right now are 99% on this loss — I wake up thinking about it, I spend the day thinking about it, I go to sleep thinking about it, and then dream of him. I am just feeling so hopeless right now — and a part of me is angry at him that he has “moved on” so quickly while I am left alone to deal with this loss. I constantly feel like I am about to break out into tears and that someone is just standing on my chest — constant anxiety and depression. I have experienced grief before and I know that it subsides with time — the death of my mother was such an experience — but I had forgotten how absolutely maddening and miserable this experience is…
Im 19 nowm and in my life I had a lot of girls.. but never a real one.
About a month ago I met this girl and she was awesome, incredible and always smily and happy to see me.
She was the one that wanted to start the relationship and the first one to tell me “I love u”.
I wasnt really sure to do this at first but then I realized how much I cared about her and actually LOVED HER.
About 2 weeks ago I felt she became cold towards me and she didnt wanna see me that much or even have sex that much.
Las weekend she just disappeared and didnt answer my calls or text messages. I saw her on monday and when we went up to her room, I saw she was different. I was trying to understand what happened but she wasnt really clear and suddently, she started crying and started telling me how amazing i was and I was such a great guy and that she was happy that I chose her.
The day after I went to the gym but once again she told me she needed some space for a while and that she wanted to go to the pool. After I worked out, I went up to her room and the door was unlocked, I could hear music coming from inside. I knocked and stepped in and what I saw just shocked me. She was standing up with her baiting suit on and a guy with just a towel around his waste was trying to hide somewhere. I flipped on her but I then realized how much I cared about her. She told me she messed up but she was scared on how things were going between us. Before meeting me, she was in a relationship for 2 years and she told me that she never felt that much love for a person in just a month and that she really regrets what she did.
I loved her.. so I told her I was ready to forgive her and that I didnt care what happened and I wanted to get back with her. The day after we went to dinner togheter and she kept saying she loved me and she was imagining our life in 10 years.
Well the day after that she told me she couldnt sleep cause she felt horrible for what she did to me and she needed sometime by herself without seeing any guy.
I still kept in touch with her and she told me to go out for dinner again yesterday evening and we were just acting like friends. at the end of the dinner she told me she was gonna go over our friends’ house and she was gonna call me when she got back.
Well guess what happened? She never called me back. I was talking with one of her friends and she told me she is still seeing that guy. But, the thing that shocked me the most is that the guy she went to chill with wasnt the guy I saw her cheating with that day.
I still feel she wants to spend time with me but I dont get why..
What should I do?
Helpmeplease: she sounds like a party girl who will say whatever in a “I want to feel good for now.” I would forget about her if I were you. She can’t be trusted. Move on before you get really really hurt.
Last week before a nail biting football game, my boyfriend of five months called me and almost broke it off but gave me another chance. That Wednesday, he called me right before church and broke up with me. I cried on the whole congregation’s shoulders. The whole reason he did thid was because a schoolmate of mine lied to him and told him I was cheating on him just because I hang out with a whole group of boys. And, he told him I was pregnant because I came to school with a stomachache. it still hurts me, I WANT HIM BACK!!!
Tiffany, it sounds like you need to forget this guy…and get a new friend. The friend lied about you and instead of talking to you, the boyfriend broke up with you. You sound young and you can and will move past this. But you have to learn to let go of people who will believe others over you and friends that lie about you.
Hi Susan,
So, I already know what you’re going to say, but it helps to have it reiterated to me over and over. So, here goes:
This past Saturday I told my boyfriend of 4 years that it was over. I was angry at him because of a certain way he made me feel. Not getting into the situation, I realize in retrospect that I was definitely being hypersensitive, and that I could have dealt with the situation in a mature way, but I didn’t. But he has a history of invalidating my feelings, so I got angry. That’s why I ended it. Usually when I get angry, I’ll tell him its over, sometimes to get his attention, but most of the time its because I really feel that it won’t work. But then I become lonely and I end up calling him. Anyway, when I texted to apologize, I got no response. Also, I called, and got no response. We haven’t talked for about 5 days now, and its not as hard on me as I thought it would be, but it still hurts. I feel like if its over for REAL, he should at least have the respect for me after 4 years to tell me goodbye. I can only feel so sorry for letting my emotions for getting the best of me right? I reached out and he did not respond to it. So it makes me feel like 4 years is gone for something stupid. Maybe this should have been over a long time ago, when he slept with another girl and ended up blaming it on me taking him for granted. What do you think?
It sounds like a really dysfunctional relationship. If he slept with another girl and blamed you for it and then you both went on…well that’s not exactly healthy.
Then you break up with him, but not really. And now he’s not responding to your “maybe fake” breakup and you think he should have respect for you to say goodbye? What? He doesn’t owe you ANYTHING. Your behavior is not exactly wonderful.
You said goodbye…WHY should HE tell YOU goodbye? You’ve already said it. If you don’t mean it, perhaps you cried wolf too many times. He doesn’t owe you a thing. Once someone says goodbye, that should be IT. He has no obligation to do what? Say goodbye? Why does he have to say goodbye? You already did that!!! I think you’re asking for something that you’re not entitled to.
Where have either of you earned the respect of the other? I don’t see it. It sounds like a twisted and manipulative relationship and you are responsible for at least half of the problems.
You break up with him when you’re angry but you don’t mean it? That’s a GAME and it has NO PLACE in relationships.
I think you need to get your act together and stop toying with your boyfriend and your relationship. Not that he sounds like a prize but you’re playing a game and so long as you’re doing this, nothing in your life is going to work.
Get real. Get honest. Get going with your life. Your REAL life, your HONEST life without game playing and manipulation.
You can do this.
That’s what I needed to hear. Thanks Susan.
It is a HUGE moment when you can hear feedback like that.
I did the “fake breakup” many times and it was a game and my therapist called me on it. I know how it is.
Be good to you and work on yourself and you can become a healthy and happy person.
Peace,
Susan
I would like to pat all those on the back who are trying and succeeding at NO CONTACT. It is so very interesting how the mind works during the grieving process. Having been forced to break up with someone who was unable to “man-up and end the relationship,” to me it’s all the more difficult because I desperately want to feel better during the darkest times, so I tell myself, “Well, maybe he was indecisive because he still cares so much” or “He really loves me, but he was confused,” and I create false hopes of my own. It takes real guts to not be in contact with someone you miss and to be the one — even though you didn’t want it to end — to end it. To get beyond the false hopes and suffer through the reality is such an accomplishment, and to muster up strength when one feels so rotten, I think, should be commended. GOOD JOB TO EVERYBODY GOING THROUGH THIS.
NC is hard but SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO worth it in the end. You deserve more than an indecisive person. As it says on here in many places, THE ONE for you WANTS you deeply and completely! Kick the others OUT OF YOUR LIFE!
Know what has helped me stay away, when doing it for my own good wasn’t enough? I told myself: The One is out there, and would he want anything to do with you if he knew you were still entangled with your ex? Probably not.
Ever heard the saying “If you want to make a friend, BE a friend”? I’ve thought a lot about this.. and I think it could be reworded as “If you want to find The One, BE The One”
So I’ve been thinking of it all in terms of: I have to be the person my Mr. Right is looking for. Then and only then will I be attractive to the kind of person I want to find.
Staying away for your own good SHOULD be reason enough, but on days when it isn’t, I find this kind of thinking helps. :)
Rebecca
Thank you, Susan, for helping me realize that these feelings are normal. I’m 22 and my girlfriend of nearly two years just ended the relationship 36 hours ago. I’ve been heartbroken before, but I thought we were going to get married. She didn’t want to hurt me, because we’re best friends, but her romantic feelings for me just weren’t there anymore, and she couldn’t lie to me.
It is so unbearably painful, because I’m not mad at her. She did the right thing. But now I’m so incredibly alone. She lives just down the street from me. She helped me find my apartment. She’s slept in my bed so many times, used my shower. The rug and the futon in my apartment are hers. I can’t escape her. I can’t escape these terrible feelings.
What I need help with is having sympathy for myself. I keep hating myself for ever becoming so dependent on her, for defining myself through her so much that now I’m completely devastated. And I keep believing that we could have worked if I’d done something differently. How do I love myself in such a difficult time? I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression before, but my coping mechanisms are working, because whereas anxiety is a delusion, this is real.
*my coping mechanisms AREN’T working…
Adam,
I am going through something very similiar and just wanted to let you know that I am sorry. Bottom line: It sucks.
Continue to read the articles (i.e. ‘When the person you love doesn’t love you’) on this site as they will definitely assist you in the healing process.
Best Wishes
I’m right there with you Adam. It all sucks big time and there’s no two ways about that. Hang in there and read, read, read!
Thanks for this article.As Adam said it makes you feel ok knowing all these feelings are completely that NORMAL.I guess we all go thru the same process.Wow these emotions Susan you are correct i go back and forth thru all them and then BACK again.Its like a merry-go round i cant get off.I know i have to.But the anger,shock,grief,the loneliness..it is a awful feeling.I have read from some who have gotten thru it and say it is the best feeling ever to be completely free and think on your own again..to be me again.I am just not there yet..I am going thru the withdrawals of no contact,anger,sadness..After reading your response to another i realized your right i too wanted answers from him the why,and wanting to know if he felt bad about what hes done..but you are correct i have to deal with it.I chose to break off a unhelathy relationship..i HAVE to move on–HE OWES ME NOTHING..I hve to accept that.Thanks.
hello, i just happened to be surfing the internet and came upon this page and i read the article about 3 times beginning to end. i am 17 turning 18 soon and i just got out of an unhealthy relationship. we were together for a year and 20 days. i thought i had fallen in love before but i guess i was wrong. this guy was my angel… or so i thought. he would tell me that he loved me more than anything in the world more than air and life and all the stars in the sky. we even had our cute little hand shake where he would squeeze 3 times for ‘i love you’ and i would 4 times for ‘i love you to’. he even quit smoking and drinking for me around the 3 month mark of our relationship. well he happened to turn 18 in september leaving him on a big power trip that he could do anything he wanted and it didn’t help that his mother eggs him on about being an adult now. and the way it ended wasn’t exactly pretty. it started out with him giving me and ultimatum to let him drink and party and do what he wants or get out of the relationship. then he told me that for the past 2 months he had picked up smoking again and lied about it. it shouldn’t have come as a surprise because he used to be a heavy smoker and its not easy to just stop cold turkey like he did. but for the past 4 months of the relationship i KNEW something was wrong and i do have a habit of being insecure at times. but whenever i would ask him if something was up he would flip out and blame me for being insecure he would say i didn’t trust him and that i needed to trust him. he almost had me on my knees begging for him to stay and talk it out once but he walked out saying he didn’t love me anymore that it was over. but 2 hours later he calls me and apologizes… i still don’t know why i accepted him back (this was 2 months before the real breakup). i talked to a friend and she said that i wasnn’t being insecure it was good instinct and intuition and he also probably flipped out because of his own guilty conscience. he also liked another girl for the past few months of our relationship as well. over christmas break i happened to tell this girl the truth about all the mind games he would play (making me feel guilty for feeling like somthing was wrong) and being verbally abusive such as making me cry because he had a bad day by taking every single beautiful thing back and replacing it with… ‘i don’t want to be with you forever.’ and his own idea of a sick joke to which he laughed at >’i'm only with you half the time because i think ur pregnant’ he is very two faced at times. not to mention i never thought he would lay a finger on me but a few weekends ago at a friends party he took me by the throat and held me to the ground for no reason at all. he also kept calling and texting over break. pretending to be his brother at first to say merry christmas and leaving angry voicemails like ‘i feel bad about what happened but shit happens and i still love you goodbye.’ and the last one was to wish me a happy new years. for the return to school he is angry that the girl he likes no longer trusts him because i told her the truth and because we are friends. he is putting on what seems like a front that he is very angry with me. i don’t know exactly how he is feeling. i guess a bit of me is hoping he misses me because on some messed up level i still love him and want him back and i’m trying for reassurance and so far not finding any. at school i smile and laugh like everything is alright but on the inside i’m screaming for him to come back. any words of advice how to deal with this??? i have a feeling its not over yet. i love him and i wish i didn’t. and for me to love someone so utterly and completely because of past abuse history is amazing. i never open up to anyone and i gave him everything. now everyday is a constant reminder that he told me to trust him and i finally did and look what happened. i know i should be glad that i’m rid of him because he wasn’t good to me recently but i’m not because i know that this isn’t who he really is underneath everything. i’m so confused but at the same time he is the type to come back in the end. what should i prepare for and how SHOULD i handle it??? (a call? a note? him showing up at my door step?)
thanks for listening and i will appreciate the advice i get back. :D
loveth me :)
ps: another thing that ended it was that he said i was controling and telling him that he couldnt do anything he wanted. (drinking and smoking) but i told him from the very beginning that these are things i do not like… these are my standards… and i also said that he could do whatever he wanted but if smoking and drinking were the things he chose i didn’t want to be a part of it. so i guess in the end he chose them over me…
Adam, I can completely get what you said about the furniture and the remaining ghostly “presence” of an ex in your space. My little sister came up with the idea of redecorating. It doesn’t have to cost a lot. Basically, move every piece of furniture you can to a different place. If you have things on the wall, move them around (or get a new, positive, COOL looking one that gives you a great feeling). Get all new sheets. Get new pillows for your sofa. i’m a big fan of Target and TJ Max for stuff that isn’t costly but changes a new space immensely.
And then, do what Susan has talked about…find places to go and social things to do with other people. It sucks majorly at first to be out there, but one reason I’ve realized that I think about my ex is that I’m not involved enough with me!
OOh, and Adam, considering giving her back her furniture and go on Craig’s list or something and get your NEW secondhand furniture for your new life full of possibilities with a person who is a good match for you.
Gummy Bear: you’re young and I think that you should have standards and the ones you have are good ones. I think you deserve better than this guy and that you should just work on yourself and try to put this relationship behind you. Good luck!
I am at a point where I think talking to a professional would be additional help with this breakup. I am a Bronx born-raised living in New York. Susan, are there any good psychiatrists that you can mention?
I am hoping that talking with a professional may assist me with placing certain items into perspective.
Hi Susan
Feels weird talking to strangers about this, but your post is something i could truly relate to when I felt i’m in total darkness. My boyfriend of 2 years left his placement abroad without discussing anything with me, cz we missed each other. he cudnt get a proper job here, d frustration made him so abusive towards me dat i went into depression.
mind u,he never discussed leaving the placemnt wid me.i was supposed to be grateful.and wen i said i cant leave mine,he said he cant stand me earning more than him..called me all sort of names, lied to me dat he was terminally ill to keep me tied.All LIES. He had a problem if i went out with friends and now,if i take up dat job outside this city.
He has stopped taking my calls,says i dont deserve respect cz i cant leave a job like him.i used to WORSHIP him. got intimate with him to sm extent JUST BCZ we talked of marriage and stuff. How can he break a lifelong commitment????dat too bcz i wont sacrifice my career wen i’m abt to start on it. i just howl all day. sometimes i feel he just used me..but then i wud want to feel so. How can he walk away like dat..i begged, and i hate myself for lack of self respect.
I promise myself every night that i WON’T call him, and yet, i end up doing that daily. The way he responds…is a total contrast to the way he treated me a year back…like i’m crap. Has stopped calling me. At one point, he said I should not repeat his mistake and instead, focus on my career. So why this double game???
Please help.
Initial Days:Sometimes when I hear about a person’s breakup, I think the person probably dodged a bullet. I feel that way here. He doesn’t sound like a prize and he’s certainly not the brass ring.
Work on you, get that self-esteem up!!! Go thrrough the grief and come out on the other side whole enough and strong enough to attract someone who knows that love is as love does. Your ex-bf sounds like a self-centered and cruel individual and I say good riddance to bad rubbish.
It’s hard, I KNOW, because he did bait and switch, but better now than after the ring is on your finger, children are running around and you are tied to him in a hundred different ways.
Be good to you.
Hi, I think that this web site is spot on. It has definately helped me. My boyfriend walked out on me and me two children three days before christmas. I loved him very much and so did my kids. He always kept me at a distance and I never felt that he loved me the way I loved him. He and his ex wife had split 18 months before we met, I don’t think he will ever get over that but that’s not my problem anymore. I just want to forget how much I tried to make it work but it’s so hard and hurtful. While he was living with me pretending to make plans for the future he was on the council list waiting for somewhere to live and booking holidays abroad. I feel such a fool as I gave myself completely to him, he’s totally betrayed me and my children. It will be hard to trust any man after this. I will read through this web site every day and get stronger. I have an old friend that I will be meeting up with soon as it is my birthday soon, not rushing in to anything but there is hope for the future. My feelings go out to other readers who are feeling worse than I am xxx
Today is day 5 for me. The first 3-4 days were almost unbearable – i was a mess – i still am a mess. I did not sleep eat or function like a normal person. I found this site and realised that despite my want to be friends with him that I can not get through, over and beyond him and us with him in my life. There is still love and lots of it and it is just too painful too continually talk to him, knowing that we are OVER. I call him to get me through, until the next breakdown, where I feel I have to call him so that he can comfort calm and reassure me about myself and my strength – which he does. I know I HAVE to do that for myself & I can & I will – I was strong happy and healthy before him and I will be again.
Our break up – my break up from him is due to our long distance relationship and the frustrations of missing and loving someone so far away with no real near or hopeful future of us being in a situation where we can be together it is a complicated mess – when i stop analysing it all and get to some point of real acceptance. At the moment I accept it I know it is over but I still find comfort in hope that one day circumstance will change. I know I can not cling to that – I just have to get to that point and I cant force it.
This is my first love real love and it was 18 months long. I am almost 28 and he is 14 years older. I am heartbroken I am wounded and i am grieving loss I am feeling rejected and the void is so large and unable to be filled with anything or by anyone right now.
Today is better than yesterday and I know this will be a long process for me – it will take as long as it takes. As long as I need and as long as I let it. It is all about me and I realise that. Finding the strength to stay focused on myself with such little sleep and food is difficult – especially when focussing on me means spending some QUALITY TIME ALONE and right now all i do is think of him us and cycle through all the above mentioned feelings and emotions when I am alone – and it hurts it hurts like hell.
Thanks to you all so much : )
This site is going to be part of me adjusting to being me on my own again.
Thanks for writing that article. I am in a completely different situation than most people. My Dad died almost 2 years ago now. We were extremely close and as I am an only child, I was devastated. Then, about a year afterwards, my best girlfriend of almost a decade dumped her husband. I told her I disagreed with what she had done and offered her a night out on the town with my husband and myself and her husband also, of course. She proceeded to dump me. I became extremely angry at her for putting me through the “grieving process” again! Anyway, your article has helped me out tremendously. If there are any other helpful hints you could give me, it would be appreciated. Thanks.
I was dating this girl for 9 months and for the last 2 months i could tell things were going down hill. I noticed especially in the last month that she was slowly getting rid of me in her life. A week we went up to payson to visit with her friends and we ended up getting into an accident and totaling my car. (She was Driving) During the entire trip i could tell something was up and affection i got from her was cold and forced. I confronted her a few days after the accident and she told me she was afraid of getting hurt again and didn’t want to talk about a future anymore because it scared her.
I decided to back of and give her space to think about things which she did and ended up breaking up with my on friday. She came over and we talked and she told me that her life was going to be to busy and hectic to continue a relationship. She is in college and is work 40 hours a week and is joining a club on top of that to further her schooling. Also she wasn’t going to spend less time with her friends. She said that she can’t deal with the pressure of relationship and that she needs to be able to focus. She said that its to much pressure trying to keep me happy and to always be worrying about finding time to see me.
Of course i didn’t want it to end but she had made up her mind; she told me that she still wanted to be friends and it would be sad if i said no. We hugged and kissed one last time and she left. Later that night i told her i wanted to get my stuff back from her after work and that i need to talk to her to help me move on. She agreed and i wen’t to her house after work; i got my stuff and put it in my car and then i talked with her about insurance and then asked her if she was just letting me down easy and that she really had stopped loving me. She said that wasn’t the case and that she did love me but she just couldn’t deal with pressure.
She said she couldn’t always be worrying is she was texting me enough and if she was talking to me enough and seeing me enough. I admit that i was to controlling in the relationship and to clingy and that i realized i was making mistakes and promising to fix them and never actually fixing them. She brought this up and said i promised i would change before and i didn’t and that its much easier said than done.
After that I told her that i needed time to move on and over come this and that i may talk to her in a week,month, or never about being friends because i need to get over her in order to even think about it.
She had tears in her eyes and just stared blankly at my car and then i said she should go inside before she freezes and a second later she just turned around and walk away.
I haven’t seen or talked to her since and yesterday was hard for me because i do miss her a lot and i did feel that she was the one. I can’t help but feel that i was the major cause of why we didn’t workout because i was incapable of realizing that i was smothering her. She was my first girlfriend and had been with several others herself but only one other serious.
Part of me wants to hope that there is a future for us and that its just a bad time for her to work on a relationship. At the same time i know its over and that i need to completely cut any contact with her be it checking up on her myspace or asking friends to see if shes ok.
Your posts have been very helpful laying out all the feelings that I am and will be going through in the next few months of my life.
my question i guess is if you truly love someone and they truly love you then no matter what life throws at you each person would be willing to make time to fix or amend the relationship?
Did she really love me or did she just say she did but not enough to be willing to deal with fixing things?
~my question i guess is if you truly love someone and they truly love you then no matter what life throws at you each person would be willing to make time to fix or amend the relationship? Did she really love me or did she just say she did but not enough to be willing to deal with fixing things?~
I don’t think it’s that simple. I think sometimes you can truly love someone and still just not be right for them. Or sometimes you still have a lot of work left to do on yourself and can’t be what the other person needs until you put in that crucial time. There are a lot of factors involved. It sounds to me like she did love you, but the dynamics of your relationship weren’t working. It wasn’t the best fit. When you say you were controlling or smothering, it sounds like you likely have some work to do on yourself to get to where you don’t react that way in a relationship (with the right person). Did you have a hard time trusting her? If so, why?
I agree with MovingOn. It’d be nice if we could all believe that “love conquers all.” But it’s never that simple. In my opinion, the biggest thing is that you both have to be in the same place in life. If you’re not, than you can have all the love and chemistry in the world, but it’s not going to work. You can’t move forward together because you both didn’t start at the same point. If you have work to do on yourself and so does she, it’s hard to do that work together.
This article by Susan about dysfunctional relationships was an eye-opener for me when I was getting over my ex:
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2006/12/14/1213-thought-for-the-day/
For me, the biggest thing was realizing this: if she loved me as much as she said she did, if she felt the same way I did about her, and if we were in the same place…we would be together. We’re not, so obviously, somewhere along the way, there is work to be done. And when I finally accepted she didn’t love me the “exact” way I loved her, Susan’s article on “When the person you love doesn’t love you back” really hit home for me.
MovingOn thanks for the input and yes as a matter of fact i did have trouble trusting her. About 4 months into our relationship she told me she had feelings for another guy. She had liked this guy before i had ever met her. She didn’t come outright and tell it to me I noticed that she was acting differently and being distant. I had to work with her to get it out and after a night by herself she told me she wanted time to figure it out. I gave her the space she needed and she came back to me in a days time and i made clear under the conditions that it was for the long haul. I believe this is where i started being controlling and smothering.
I admit i do have work to do on myself as I am not content to be on my own. I was not a complete person when i met her and even now i am still not complete. I guess you can never have a happy relationship unless you are first happy with who you are and who you were before the relationship. I guess its hard knowing that relationships can fail between the right people if it occurs at the wrong stage in their lives. I feel that i am majorly responsible for the failure of the relationship and know as hard as it may be i have plenty of work to do on my own self.
Mike,
You said “the biggest thing is that you both have to be in the same place in life.” The problem is that even if you start out in the same place, you could very well end up in different places as time progresses. That’s a big reason why marriages fail–people change, and often not in the same direction. I would say the biggest thing is making sure you have similar ways of communicating. That way if you have a need that isn’t being met, you can get that point across, and vice versa, without detrimental consequences. A relationship without great communication doesn’t have a prayer in the world. I think it’s a big part of why mine crashed and burned; I am a tackler, he is an avoider. Throughout the relationship, I was fighting for us while he was off somewhere with his hands over his ears in a corner. He avoids major problems within himself so there’s no real way he could ever “face the world” with me. I know that now.
Tom,
It sounds to me like you didn’t trust her for good reason–she started liking someone else early in the relationship and needed space to figure it out, only after you pulled it out of her. That is a big red flag if ever I saw one. If things were really good in your relationship, that wouldn’t have happened. The love of your life would never treat you that way.
“I guess you can never have a happy relationship unless you are first happy with who you are and who you were before the relationship.” Bingo. That is something I need to work on as well. I’m going to use my quality single time to explore myself and try and find peace with myself, warts and all. I never would have stayed in my flailing relationship for so long if I were truly happy with myself. I was clinging to the wrong guy because the thought of losing him felt like death. I deserved more, and so do you.
Amen MovingOn…..on taking your single time to learn to love youreslf again. I’m doing the same.
MovingOn,
I absolutely agree – my point was that for there even to be solid foundation to start on, you both have to be in the same place. If both choose to build at different points and speed (i.e. no communication, different objectives), obviously things will come crashing down sooner or later. My ex was much like yours – preferred to let life make decisions for her than face them. I prefer to face them and learn from them, even though my way produces more immediate pain, which is what my ex loves to avoid. I prefer to learn and move on, she preferred to bury and move on…so like you, I could never “face” the world with her, but merely be her perpetual protector.
I am so happy I just found this article! I recently split from my boyfriend of five years, and I have been feeling like there has to be something wrong with me, why can’t I move on. I have been through all of these steps many times. I can’t speak some days and I am very forgetful. Reading about searching was so encouraging. I am constantly calling him and writing him because it feels like I need to find him. We have a daughter together so it’s easy to find reasons to call. I also find reasons to go to his house. Now every time I feel like calling him I am going to read this and remember that every time I reach out it begins the cycle all over again.
My story needs thousands of pages and I am all confused and don’t know how to start, but all I know that I am going through all what Susan said. He left me for another new offer in another country but he still wanted to stay friends. I didn’t agree and we broke up.He kept trying to be in touch with me and I kept stopping him and telling him that it is much better if we go through this No Contact. The last time was three days ago, he texted me asking if I am ok or not, I had to call him and ask him to respect my feelings and not call or text again and he promised not to do that.
I am lost, lonely, and sad. I know it is going to take a lot of me but I know very well that one day I am going to have my beautiful smile back :-)
God bless everyone here and thanks Susan
Kerri,
There is nothing wrong with you! I have been reading this website for the entire 3 months of my breakup. In fact, this was the first article I read. After doing the “work”, I was in a good place, I thought I was over it, and then suddenley, without warning, here I am, fully recycling and back to the article which helped me start healing. To put it succinctly, it’s like I’m back at square one. Everyone’s circumsatnces are different, but please do not think that there is anything wrong with you. There are people in my life who just can’t understand why I am not over my ex, why I keep blaming myself for the relationship ending. I just tell those people, that I’m not them, and my feelings are my feelings . . . but there is nothing “wrong” with me. Hang in there, we’ll all get through it!!!
Hi. I just came across this article. Thank you so much, this is so nice. I am going through the pain of a shocking break up and he just broke up with me on Jan 5th so I am going through all these emotions. I think my friends are sick of me talking about him b/c I am having such a hard time getting him out of my head and wishing I would hear from him but I am being pretty good about not contacting him. I guess my main sadness comes from the fact that this breakup was a total shocker. The whirlwind romance I had with this man only lasted short of one month but we had so many awesome awesome times and I thought this man was just perfect for me and I was getting the impression that he felt the same (and he even mentioned marriage to me, and future plans with me, quite a few times). That’s why I was so shocked when he told me he “couldn’t do it anymore” when referring to dating me, telling me that too many major life events have happened to him in the last few months (one of which was that his older brother, whom he was close to, committed suicide in a really tragic way in October 2007)–(we dated most of the month of December) and that God was telling him to wait and get his life straightened out b4 he starts dating again. Well, I am struggling with being “understanding” his situation and decision to not date me (b/c his reasons are valid) but also allowing him to take responsibility of hurting me b/c he should have thought about all this stuff first b4 he decided to date again (therefore I wouldn’t have been caught in the crossfire of this). But he just got a new job now as of the beginning of this wk (another major life change/event) and I am sitting here hurting. So….just to give you all a idea of what I am going through. Thank you for listening….I think it helped to even just write all that out. I do miss him terribly and still have those initial love feeligns for him but I am working through it, and the main thing is that I am really trying hard (and doing a good job) in not contacting him. Thank you for this article and all the responses I am reading here :)
Sharon
I liked this article. I have been reading a lot of articles since the breakup . Worst part is its not difficult to move on .
I was in luv with this man for almost 9 months . We meet thru marriage site . Within a few days , we were talking to each other for hrs . We meet after a month and half . The first meeting didnt turn out all that great . Even then we continued and started discussing our future . We both stayed in different states .After a gap of 4 months , we started meeting once a month .
By then, I was completely in luv with him . Never could gauge his feeligns . During the time , we were together , he was always there to talk to me and hear me out . He ended up being my best friend and guide .
Somehow the last time , we meet , things were hanging . Somehow , there was no committment regards when we would meet up next .
The shocking part was he got married suddenly with a girl of his choice , hardly 20 days after our meeting in fall .
I was shocked . It s over 2 months since the breakup .
Initial time was difficult I tried to analyse what went wrong . where i was wrong . I gave up myself to him , sure we would be married soon . That was the most difficult part for me . I was a royal mess . I couldnt cry in front of my family . Only had a few friends whom I could discuss my probs . The first 1 month was horrible .Memories of the good and bad times would always flash .
I spoke to him even after the breakup . Tried for closure . Wanted to know the reason why he behaved that way . But he never gave the reason for why he behaved in such a way .
I wrote down the good and bad points of him and our relationship .
I forgave him and myself .
I could talk to him like a friend when he called to wish in new yr . We hadnt spoken for atleast 20 days .
I felt I was over him . We never discuss of his married life , nor I would discuss of what was happening wrt the men in my life .
I have tried to talk to guys a month after the breakup , but somehow never reached the closeness I felt with him when I initially started speaking to him .
I feel I still compare them with him .
In the last 10 days , I felt we are again talking a lot . I have been having a lot of problems with work and my daily life .
Somehow instinctly I call him , and he talks to me and advises me . I know he still cares for me . If I dont call him in the week, he calls . Yesterday , I thought over things and realised I am again getting dependent on him for advice . Hes been helpful to me . He s spent a lot of time on helping me with my career issues .
I realised one thing when I have people around me , I m fine .I need someone to talk to . Recently , a good friend of mine has left the town . So I m lonely .
I dont regret that things didnt work out between us . I feel whatever happened , happened for the best . We were poles apart . they say , opposite poles attract each other , Hes been my first luv . SO maybe its diff for me . Since hes married now , I nevr call him on weekends / evenings .
I still get up early in the morning , thinking of him in the mornings . During the time we spent together , I always had the comfort of him holding me .
I hope I am able to keep away from calling him after reading this article .
I know once my other problems are solved , I will be fine and will have moved on .
Rite now , I m a bit dept on people to travel . So going on weekends is difficult and weekends really suck . I hate weekends .
Pls advice me if theres something more I can do .
All I can say is a big thanks!!!!!! This post is what i truly needs….I will get over thanks!
This work of getting over my loss seems almost impossible. I’m constantly thinking about how my wife betrayed me. One moment it is i love you the next moment i want a divorce. She kept her stuff well hidden and then it comes up in such a hurtful way. i guess i just need to face the pain, accept it as part of the healing process and take good care of myself.
thank you for your post. I stopped talking to my ex almost six months ago, and we’d been broken up for sometime, but shit hit me hard when i realized i was never going to see/hear her again, and i’ve been going through those impulse urges to talk to oher again, but have to try not to do so. Thats what I will do though, I will try to move on.
A good article. I could go into detail, but I essentially was left by a girl after 2 years, a decision that she soon began to say she regretted. The “no contact” rule really does help. Every time I breach it, usually because she calls me about her family problems or her health condition, I end up feeling worse, thoughts of getting back together creep into my head, etc. When things ended, I was shattered. I felt like half of me was missing. However, three weeks later, I can see some patterns emerging in her behavior and mine. I can see some light now. Things will get better. Journaling helps. Patience helps. Listing their flaws helps. I still miss her, but my life is not over even if it felt like it was. I’m just taking this as a chance to improve myself and become a better person.
What a wonderful site.
I found out on Christmas Eve that my 13 year marriage had been a pretence and I am left shattered.
The girlfriend I think had gotten tired of waiting and I am now deluged daily with text messages and emails and photographs of her antics with my husband.
I don’t want to look but I am drawn. It is like picking at a sore place. I know it is only going to get more sore.
Why do woman choose to consort with married men?
I thought I was everything she claims to be for him. I had no idea this was going on and I am now left in nomansland doubting my senses and my judgement.
I can’t get images out of my mind. What I though were happy times for us when he was texting her behind my back.
What I thought were good parts of our marriage and yet these are now nullified by the images she has sent me……
I know I have to toughen up and move on but I feel like a rabbit caught in the glare of oncoming headlights. There have been times when I have wanted to die to simply stop the pain.
How could I have gotten this so wrong…..
Worse still I love him!
How sad is that?
Thanks for listening…..
Some days are better than others. I’m in pain and I wish my silent screams would go away. I don’t want him back, I’m angry that he got a special piece of me that I can’t get back. We were friends before we dated, I’m sad that I lost a friend. I wish there was a procedure like “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, lol.
I just finished reading all of the comments posted concerning the emotions of grief after a breakup. I was surfing the net originally to regain my self respect and that is how I stumbled onto this website. This is the first site which I found where I can relate to everyone else. I’m 43 years old and I’ve been dated this guy for close to 10 years. Maybe I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t. He never wanted to get married or have children and because I love him, I accepted this. Of course, I would get into a mood and talk about a commitment of some type, but after being told he was not ready or I needed to prove to him that I am the one, or another excuse, the subject was dropped. In November, 2006, this was no longer good enough for me. When he told me he was not ready to marry me, I walked out and did not talk to him any further. I was hurt but figured we have been together a long time and he need more space and time. Less than two months later, I learned he was getting married from a friend. Then I was devastated and crushed. I tried so hard to talk to him, but he would not talk to me. A month later, I saw him and learned he was not getting married after all. We got back together but things this time were much different. He was the same person, but the respect he once had for me was different. He no longer went out of his way for me and I now think I was just a matter of convenience for him. I figured that maybe he was really hurt over this other girl and needed to mend his broken heart. I never talked to him about commitment again. As we started spending more and more time together, he was the same person I remembered and love. I last saw him at the end of November, 2007. Things were going great so I thought. We had made plans for dinner and a movie two days later. I had not heard from him that day and drove over to his place to pick him up as was originally planned. He was not home and would not answer his cell phone. I just waited figuring he would be there shortly. 20 minutes later, I got a phone call from him and that is when he told me he met someone else. I never saw it coming. I was crushed more so than the first time and I still am even though it’s been a little more than two months now. I learned from a mutual friend immediately thereafter that he actually met her a few weeks before telling me and that she was only 29 years of age. Everything I have read on this site appears to be positive. I know I should follow the “no contact” rule, but just hearing his voice gives me enough motivation just to get through the day. It’s not often that he even takes a phone call from me and most of the time he ignores me. I now realize from this site that I’m only prolonging the pain. I have prayed and talked to friends and yet going from to day to day is a struggle. I’ve prayed that he is happy and he knows that if he ever needed a friend, I would definitely be there, even if it’s not mutual. He was my best friend too. I cannot get over that. I not worried about me finding someone else and right now, I’m not interested in dating anyone. I am however trying to regain my self respect which I lost the second time. I can’t snap out of it. Ten plus years is a long time to walk away and forget someone. I’m not made of stone. How do I regain my self respect and learn to like myself again? Everything is falling apart around me and yet, none of that seems to matter except for him. Any suggestions would be appreciated and welcome.
JSTBB,
You have come to a wonderful site. You can learn so much here. I suggest you read a lot of the articles here and especially the article on loving and taking care of yourself. You need to get away from this man because I’m sorry but I don’t think he loves you at all. Stop letting him waste your life. I know you are hurting and it’s hard to let go. My ex left me for another girl and I tried to be his friend for a little while because it was hard to break free and I missed him, but but I could not do it because it hurt too much. Don’t try to be this man’s friend and stop asking people what he is up to. Just worry about yourself. Stop worrying about what he is doing and if he is dating someone else. My ex is with someone else (as far as I know, but I don’t torture myself trying to find out who) and I am surviving. Yes it hurt because he was the man of my dreams (or so I thought) but I had to let go. There is nothing I can do about it. The decision was his. I have to respect it.
Stop confusing time invested with love. If this guy loved you, he wouldn’t be jumping to date others. He would try to make it work with you. Is he acting like the 10 years meant anything? There is nothing wrong with you but you have to stop letting him walk all over you. You say he is losing respect for you but respect is something you need to earn and command. Start with respecting yourself. If you lose a man who doesn’t love you, you are not losing much. It’s hard to start over but sometimes in life we must. Stop waiting around for him. Stop waiting in the wings if he is with someone else. That will make him lose respect for you. There must be respect if there is to be love. The two do not operate independently of each other. No one can love someone they have no respect for.
I got over the end of an 8 or 9 year relationship where I was cheated on and he even got another girl pregnant during one of our “breaks” and didn’t even have the decency to tell me about it. He was seeing me while living with this pregnant girl and didn’t even tell me. I found out only by accident. I have been through pure hell in relationships but I told this loser it was over and I’m sure he married the girl but I couldn’t care less now. I just cut it off cold turkey and went on with my life. I eventually fell out of love with him because I met much better people in life and therefore I lost all respect for this loser. I wouldn’t be his friend for all the money in the world.
Listen to Susan’s advice and read her articles on here. She knows what she is talking about. She lived through heartache and abuse and came out better than ever. Good luck to you.
Lisa Anne
Lisa Anne,
Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I’m so pleased you were able to fall out of love with your ex. I’m trying, but I cannot get him out of my mind. You mentioned the article on “loving and taking care of yourself”. I’m new to this site and don’t know how to find it. If you can direct me to that, I would be most appreciative. Thank you again and thanks for your thoughts. I’ve been so preoccupied with my own unhappiness and forget that I’m not the only one who has gotten hurt. Your message was truly a comfort. Thank you again.
Lisa Anne,
That is VERY good advice. I’m glad you walked away from that loser boyfriend of 8+ years and
never looked back. You are one smart cookie. We have to let go of all of our exes, but the ones who really disrespect us, they need that serious kick to the curb without one more second of our attention.
JSTBB,
Lisa Anne knows what she’s talking about here. You can’t be loved and respected by someone
else if you don’t first love and respect yourself. Self-respect in this case is going to have to start with absolutely No Contact with this jerk. I can’t believe the way he has treated you. Pick your dignity back up off the floor and start communicating about your pain to the people here, a therapist, support groups, trustworthy friends (who will no go back and forth between the two of you and keep you tied to him), and in your journal. Write it all out. Do not share it with him.
READ SUSAN’S BLOG–A LOT.
Put yourself and your recovery FIRST. You deserve tons better than what you got from him.
Get hugs from people who love you. Lots of them. Everything is going to be o.k. again. You will see. Trust the recovery process, even when it’s hard. I’ve been there, thought it would never stop hurting, and am doing great. You will too!
Hi JSTBB,
You are welcome. There are a lot of wise people on this site who are going through painful breakups who give great advice along with Susan (the author of this blog). To access the Loving Yourself article (along with the newest articles/blog entries) just click the top of the page here…the blue section that says “Getting Past Your Past The Blog”. Or click the “Home” button on the tool bar on the top left of the page. This will redirect you to the newest articles, the newest entry being entitled, “Unequivocally Dumped” (which I can relate to…lol). Scroll down the page and it’s around the 9th or 11th article title down the page. Try reading a lot of the articles. They are very helpful.
Lisa Anne
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/01/28/loving-yourself-being-good-to-you/
I’ll post more tomorrow but I wanted to send that link along. Welcome to new posters!!
I think Susan touched on this before, but your silence and refusal to communicate with the person and move on speaks louder than anything you can say. It is also the first step towards re-gaining your self-confidence and self-esteem back.
JSTBB-
Be patient. The process does not happen over night, and just like the rest of us, it is a very long, painful, and difficult process towards getting yourself back to where you need to be.
I’ve always used this analogy that I made up and even though it is a bit odd, it makes sense:
Getting out of a bad relationship is like having some disease on one of your arms or legs and it needs to be amputated. You don’t want to cut off your limb as it is painful and unpleasant. Your other choice is to keep your limb, and slowly allow the disease completely destroy you.
Sometimes in life, we must take 10 steps forwards and frequently 9 steps back. The thing in the end that matters is that one extra step that keeps moving forward. God Bless.
Dear Kathy, Lisa Anne, Susan and Michael,
By your responses alone, I feel so much better now than I have in a very long time. I’m not crying at this second either! I know it’s a rough road ahead and I know that an hour from now the saddness will come back. Reading what you wrote and knowing I’m not alone is also a comfort. As I mentioned earlier, this is the first site where I felt I was not alone. I’m so happy I came across it. This site is not only an inspiration, but it’s also necesary for anyone’s road to recovery. I only wish I came across it sooner. Words cannot express the gratefulness I feel right now. Thank you all so much.
[...] to Getting Past Your Past – there are 3 phases of [...]
Hello all,
Thank you very much for all of your posts, I have found this extremly helpful on my road to recovery, as it feels like I’m fighting a disease.
It took me a long time to open my hear to someone and we moved quite quickly, he was my first in every way. In the end his coldness got the better of him and he pushed me away. The way he handled it was if I had lost my job, not someone I had shared my life with for 8 months.
I’m trying to stay positive and keep my head up, I have to believe there is someone out there for me.
Thank you for the website though it has helped me quite a bit
I’ve been the one to fight for the survival of my relationships when they’ve gone off track or ended temporarily- but with my recent break-up (seven years together, my longest) I’ve let that behavior go…and I feel like I’m just allowing the situation to become truly unresolvable. How do you know when it’s time to do the necessary work described in this fantastic blog, or continue trying to remain open to the other person? I was able to steer even this relationship back when it ended briefly around the halfway mark..I feel able to grieve when the time is right- but i don’t want to look back at this and realize I could have saved it. I’d really appreciate peoples thoughts on this.
John-
The most important thing in a relationship is the fact that you are working as a team. The point you made about bringing it back ‘halfway’ ? That is the extent that you can bring it back. The other person has to bring back the other half. A lot of times people will get so frustrated and try to pick up everything or bring it all together by only one person. This is unhealthy and does not work. Communicate with the person you are dating and let them know that they need to meet you halfway.
In a healthy relationship halfway on your part is more than enough. The other half has to come from the other person, and the other person only.
Michael I absolutely agree, thanks for writing.
By halfway I meant half way through the relationship (year 3 or so) it was on the rocks and my efforts kept it from ending. Now, she has moved out, and stated that she is not going to give the relationship energy. In all appearances it’s over. But given that there was no big drama causing us to be overly uncomfortable around each other, I can’t tell if it’s recoverable if I try to fight for it, if it’s worth fighting for, and when to just take her actions at face value.
At what point do you stop asking the other person if they’re ‘really’ sure about what they are doing and if they are considering rekindling the relationship, and just let it go? Without animosity between us it’s kind of confusing when it’s really unrecoverable..Can folks share their thoughts about this please, I’d appreciate it very much.
I have 3 and a half months since i my ex fionsai left me. She gave up on me while i was sick. She was previously married and she always had something to off load. Just because she had a marriage that didnt work out i certainly do not have to deal with her luggage. I realise now that i gave her too much and she gave me next to nothing. In a relationship if 2 people are not willing to meet half way through the good and bad times, its not going to work.
I just came across this site by luck and its the best written article i have seen.
John-
My relationship was similar in a way. Things were bad for awhile before we broke up. I think that if your partner is not willing to put in the energy then that is an indirect implication that she is not willing, whether it be at the moment or ever.
The best thing would be to seperate at this point. One of 2 things will happen:
1. She realizes what she lost and will change and put energy back into the relationship
2. She does not think it is worth her time and lets you go.
Right now you are kinda in limbo and it is not something you should be settling for.
John
I think maybe if you are serious about rekindling the relationship and neither one of you have made a decision to let go, you both need to talk. Communication is extremely important and it’s the only way you both can determine what route to take. It needs to be done in an amicable manner so that no one gets needlessly hurt. Michael is right about meeting halfway or in the middle. I never really considered that a factor in my past relationship. Maybe if I had, I would have saw the light a little sooner. A relationship will not work out in the end if it’s one-sided. Actually, I realized this yesterday. Better late than never.
Michael, thank for your blunt comments. I’ve not yet lost my sense of humor so I did actually laugh given how spot on your points are.
In your situation, did you tell her that if she wanted to reconnect you would consider it? Did you make a thorough break and leave the ball in her court? I think in addition to the fundamental need for people to meet halfway, we do also react to each other and decisions get made as a result. She could be in a state of some consideration that would disappear if she percieved my openness was gone.
My urge is to continue telling her know that I would at least consider continuing the relationship when/if she wants to. This urge produces two feelings: that it’s probably the only way to save it if it’s save-able. And two, it’s an uncomfortably weak position that leaves me vulnerable and and in the limbo you mentioned.
John-
Those are good questions, and you are the only one that can answer them since you are the one that knows her best. I will share some information about what happen with me and maybe it might leads you to the appropriate decisions:
When we broke up, I chased after her for a good 3 months. There were more than just one instance where (post-break up)I would tell her how I felt and how I wanted to be with her. This happened on atleast 3 occasions I can remember for certain. Some people are like this and some are not, but it became very evident that my ex did not respect me and she was too busy enjoying herself going out to the bars and meeting new friends that our relationship was no longer worth her time.
When it came down to it, I told her we cannot be friends because the break up was not mutual. I also stated that it hurts me to stay friends as I don’t deserve to go from being a lover to just a crappy friend. Upgrades not downgrades. That was it. I didn’t really say anything about reconcilation. After that it was on to ‘no contact.’
Knowing her, she’s somehow got a weird way of justifying her thoughts and actions in her head by some weird rational. I’m sure my whole ‘no contact’ thing was what she needed to be ‘mad’ at me in order for her not to feel guilty. I have not contacted her, and I honestly don’t think she’ll ever contact me again either. So that was that. It was tough, but it needed to be done.
Staying friends was degrading and disrespectful to me. On top of that it let my brain hang on to false hope. I couldn’t change that. My mind is just stubborn and no matter how many times I reminded myself it was over, my mind would not accept that.
No contact has been the best thing for me so far. It has allowed me to reclaim my self-respect and dignity. It also has allowed me to speak my actions vs. saying over and over again.
If she wanted to reconnect, she’d have done it during the 3 months that I wanted to. If she considers later on, well that’s too late for that now. Even after my break up, it was still always about her. Her feelings, her not feeling guilty, her remaining friends, all her.
I’m through playing that game, and those followings months after my break up was the hardest time I’ve ever experienced in my life. It is time to start doing things for myself now.
Michael thank you again for sharing your thoughts and story. It’s kind of amazing that in the face of clear facts that a relationship is over we still hang onto hope. I can’t think of any analogous situation where we can ignore the truth so thoroughly..but I’m not sure thats always a bad thing. I guess I do need to ask her again whether she is truly done or is in a state of some consideration, if perhaps only for my own process.
I’m sorry you went though your own hard time, and it sounds like you gained some real perspective. I’ve certainly appreciated you sharing it with me.
I was just reading Louise Hay this morning and something she wrote really struck me…We usually take care of ourselves the way we were taken care of as children. Why would I stay in a relationship that offered me so little of what I wanted and deserved? And then why should I continually suffer by not going through the grief process and moving on? I want to learn to take care of myself better than that.
Hi Susan, Amazing post and looks like you had walked the talk. The analysis is so complete that it puts anxiety of personal behaviour to rest.
Hi ,thanks for the great advice above in this blog. My situation is raw and fresh. within the last 10 days. Here’s the short version. I went out with a person for about 6 weeks. Not along time but alot happened . Very intense and I developed major feelings. Well the long and short of it is I lost control of the steering wheel so to speak. My feelings became such that in the end I started to get out of context. Theyre were some yellow flags coming from her but as much as I tryed I couldn’t keep my poise within them or myself. I am sure that had something to do with her leaving . But Like you said there is no way to figure it out. She broke up with me in a short thankful yet ambigous email .No face to face. contact. This was after 10 days removed from last contact not sure if I was ever was going to even hear from here again. Well I did try to contact her and she would respond to phone calls ,emails or anything . . Today “Valaentines day of course” I decided to write her this long letter asking for forgivness asking her to come back and telling her how I was going to correct things(stuff I had alredy tolder her in other emails she never responded to). But I realize after reading your blog it’s a letter I must never send. I have to work through this on my own. It will have a better impact on my future. Thank you for this great comfort you provided me.
Charlie
Actually correction she wouldn’t respond to phone calls ,emails or anything . is what I meant to say
Good for you, Charlie! She’s already given you her answer
by not responding. Keep your dignity and work on the things you identified in the letter,
but do it for YOU and for the next lucky lady to come along. :)
Thank you for all sharing, it’s so helpful to know I’m not the only one going through this, I feel like I’m slowly making progress and then I feel like it happened yesterday, it’s been a month now.
I know that in order for me to be open to the next man to come into my life I need to deal with this grief and although it is very painful deal with it slowly.
What do people do when they get the urge to call the person?
Keep in mind my boyfriend sent me a check for $11.25 the difference in the electricty bill with a pair of socks I forgot the day before valentines day.
Slowly moving on…
I would like to say I have just come across this website due to searching for a way to heal from a 9 year friendship and an almost 8 year marriage which has broken up 1 month and a half ago.
I was the one to end it as we werent getting along for the last 2 years despite both our best efforts.
We have 2 children together they stay with him because that is what they want, it hurts to not see him and the kids everyday and everyday its like a rollercoaster ride where my emotions are up and down all the time and to read all of your comments has reassurred me that things will get better in time.
I want to thank you for this website as its helping me to heal and thank you for all your comments they have been very helpful in letting deal me with the grief I feel daily I wish you all the best in life and hope that you all will find what you are looking.
Take care
Take your time
Peace Love and Light
Belinda,
Sorry for you are going through. Please continue to read as there are great people and stories to assist you at this time.
Good Luck and Best Wishes on your process.
I just now found this site because I could not focus on my work. I am in pain. I hope anyone who reads this will try not to be judgemental when I say a 4 year long distance relationship with a married man ended Monday night. I had taken 2 days off to be with him. Thank goodness, I had at least one day to try to recover enough to keep my eyes from being swollen shut from grief. I have made some terrible mistakes. But I am human, and my grief is very real. The “break-up” was really bad. I made the mistake of pressuring him to tell me that I meant something to him. He got mad, told me not to touch him and then he just left. I stood there stunned. I’m stunned now. It’s helping me to type this out. This is my first blog ever. That’s how desperate I am to find some sense in all my actions and how I could be in love with someone who is usually mean to me. Why am I grieving over this person who I know will never be with me? Will never be the person I want him to be? Am I – is my character flawed beyond repair? I’ve never had great self esteem. But this blow, I’m thinking, will need some professional help. I will continue to read every day the Emotions of Grief. At least that way, I’ll know I’m not going insane. Thank you.
LDMoon,
Welcome to this site. Being desperate was what helped me on my journey to heal. I cried plenty over someone who was never available to me. All of us have our stories. Our stories get us here and they are how we help each other.
Reading “the mourning theory” and other posts on grief helped me see how I was coping with sorrow and pain. In learning about grief — and abuse– I have learned how normal my feelings are. I am learning about healthier behavior. I’m worth it, and so are you, LDMoon.
I look forward to reading your posts.
Seeif
Thank you, Seeif, for responding without judgement. Grieving too much for a lucid response. Check back tomorrow.
Hi LDMoon. Let me first say My heart goes out to you in your pain. I posted here just recently too for the first time. It’s surreal isn’t it?! I went through somthing different breakup wise but I know how shocking it all is when thing are one way one minute and anther way the next, where it’s like you never even shared anything at the end by the way your treated as they leave.. Here is what I have learned from here that I think really helps. “Reject the Rejector” now in my case(not yours) I had to take responsibility for my self and say ok I feel this way, this is how I need to make myself better going forward and I am not going to accept that my life does not have a future after loosing people that ment so much to me and I thought I meant something to them too. Please read the and the title is tough , unequivically dumped” article. It will really help . It has kept me going the last few days. Yesterday for me another burden was put on top of my breakup grief when I got a review here at work that wasn’t great. But you know, and i don’t know if your spiritual, but I said God take me in the direction you really want me to go in because I obviously have been going in the wrong on according to your will and destiny for me. Anyway. I hope something I said brought comfort here. I have lived 50 years of life so I know at least this much.. that bad times don’t last forever..good times come and go as well as bad. Life is what it is. but there are more good times coming for both if us. I know it! Hang in there!!
Charlie
Thanks, Charlie, for your words of comfort and encouragement. I’m sorry to hear that you must deal with work-related issues, as well. The office is my only sanctuary right now. You hit on something that I’ve been thinking as well that kept me up most of the night, and that is that my head knows I have no future with someone who has meant so much to me – but how do I get my heart to agree? I don’t want to accept anymore that this “part-time” person has been a “full-time” committment for me. His MO is to wait a few months until he thinks I’ve gotten over it . . . then he pulls me back in! I need to get some self-worth & fast before that happens. Talking it out really does seem to help. And knowing there are people like you and the others here are struggling and overcoming gives me hope. I need hope.
Thanks, You Bet, I guess in some strange way it’s a blessing that people who dump me never want to get back with me again. Although it makes me feel as good as I have tryed to treat them that it doesn’t say much for me and what kind of impact i had on their lives. But on the other hand it must be hard to keep getting lead back by someone only to be hurt again. All I know is reject the rejector made sense to me because at some point we have to know we are good people and the right person will benefit from all of this sorrow, You do have hope that’s for sure and the abcense of hope is dispair, which is never an option! I have two boys ages 10 and 7. They are the root of my hope . Dont give up I and others are here for you.
Thanks for the comment WorkingOnIt I will continue to come here from time to time for guidance and to help if I can. I’ve been blogging my thoughts and feelings down and that has helped alot for me makes me see straight for some reason I dont know. Maybe this might help others.
All the best
[...] the Emotions of Grief During a Breakup post, we know that a component of grief is the need to search. It’s normal and natural and [...]
i was in a relationship for almost seven years with the woman of my dreams. i thought we were the best of friends. we had a great relationship so i thought. one day she woke up and said i’m leaving and i’m not happy anymore. three days before she left she was having sex with me telling me how much she loved me and could never live without me. it’s been 4 months since she left and no contact. how does this happen? i never did her wrong in anyway. i suspect it was out of guilt for something she was doing behind my back but it’s just killing me not having any closure . can someone please give me some insight on what may have happend from an outsider point of view. i just don’t get it. i still have to think someday i will know the truth because how could someone look themselves in the mirror everyday after pulling a stunt like this…
This truly was a great post. My girlfriend of six months broke up with me a little over a month ago and I still think about her every day. It’s just hard because we were such good friends for so long and we liked each other on and off for three years before we went out. That’s what makes me think we’ll get back together. Do I want to? Yes. Although I don’t know if it’ll ever happen. It’s just so hard because I see her nearly every day at school and we both hang out with the same group of people. I wish she was on the other side of the world. It’d be so much easier getting over her. I don’t know what I should do…
Welcome to the blog! You might want to read this post as well. Thanks for sharing!
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2007/12/29/1229-tftd-when-the-person-you-love-doesnt-love-you/
Dear Ronald T.,
Unfortunately, it does happen. For me, not having closure was the first thing I experienced. My relationship ended at 10 years and he was already with someone else two days later. He didn’t even tell me he was leaving. I went to pick him up for dinner and a move which was planned a couple days before. He was wasn’t home so I left a message on his cell and waited. He called me back about 15-20 minutes later and told me he met someone. It hurts, and there are and were so many unanswered questions. I know for you it probably seems that there is nothing more important than those unanswered questions. Ron, this happed to me the second time by the same person less than three months ago. I have been coming to this site regularly for a little more than three weeks now and it’s helped tremendously. Unfortunately, I did not realize it then, but if I did not accidentally stumble onto this site, I don’t know where I would be now. At first, those unanswered questions drive you crazy, where nothing else seems to matter. Keep reading Susan’s site and keep a journal. It really does get better. I know you probably don’t believe it now, but those unanswered questions are not as important as you are. In time, you will see that. I now realize that I probably will never get those answers, but for me, those answers are not as important anymore, as getting over it. Most of the time, I’m past the question part, but I still have a long way to go. Sure, every now and then I still question myself looking for answers because when he left, he took all my feelings and emotions with him and left me to pick up the pieces. This site has helped me to realize that I can cry, feel angry, etc. More importantly, I now know in time I will be better off than I was. You will see that eventually. Please keep reading Susan’s site. The first article I read when coming to this site was “The Emotions of Grief During a Breakup” which I read on more than one occasion.
I tried to get closure this weekend, and I tell you I feel so much worse. For me, I should have stopped while I had at least of shred of dignity. I had almost 5 days behind me. Now I must start all over with “no contact”. Please, God, let this be the last time. For anyone out there contemplating a phone call. Don’t. Just don’t. Hopefully, you have a “I wan’t to call him” buddy that you can reach out to instead. I have one now in place.
Thank you to everyone here for the advise. Maybe now, I’ll begin to take it.
LDMoon-
Been there done that. I think everyone has. Susan had a great quote ‘Stop going to a dry well for water.’
I was also at the point where I could not maintain no contact. Every time I contacted nothing positive came out of it, I just lost more of my self-respect and dignity.
Once you maintain no contact, youll feel much better about yourself. I guarantee it.
LDMoon- forgive yourself and concentrate on YOUR LIFE now. Make this a super beginning for the rest of it.
Dan,
Are you talking about college?
Are there any guy friends who aren’t in your group that you can get to know and start to hang out more with? Some distance while you make sense of things might be good.
Ronald, just a guess, but something close to that has happened to me too, and it turns out the person I was with has huge issues with committment. They are fine for awhile, can get close, but then something (invisible to us) triggers their fear, they become anxious and just need to get away. Just disappear. Then they will either take right up with someone else in an effort to minimize what they felt or after awhile they begin missing you so much that they will come back/make contact. I hope for your sake your ex does NOT contact you. It is more painful/prolonged/harder to deal with when they keep coming back and trying to suck you back in. Because no matter how much they swear they love you and won’t “run” again (mine even got therapy for his issues, didn’t help!!) they WILL RUN if they have true, deep seated comittment issues. And it is the most painful thing to deal with. Its easier to just be dumped, straght out and left behind. Good luck, stay strong…you will get thru this.
This describes my ex also. Pia Mellody’ s describes this behavior in “Facing Love Addiction.” It was scary for me to consider this as a possibility, but it was accurate in the case of my ex and me.
Take care.
Seeif
Thanks Michael and Serenity. Amazing how the encouragement from perfect strangers seems to really help. All I’ve done today here at my job is Google “How to heal a broken heart”, reading everything I can get my eyes on. This paralysis is excruciating.
LDMoon:
It happened to me last week too. Don’t beat yourself up – I didn’t. These things happen.
For me, it all started innocently enough. I had to interact with my ex for work – we hadn’t done that in awhile and I was feeling great. The weekend before I actually remember thinking, “I’m finally happy, welcome to stage 3 of the grieving process.” The loss was finally incorporated into my life and I was moving on. I’d forgotten what it was like to feel content.
Then came the unavoidable interaction over the course of two days last week. The first day was awkward at best and I could feel sadness coming on (I used to be able to talk to her about anything, now nothing was comfortable). The second day, after resolving our work issue, we got into a personal discussion about boundaries, friendship and why we weren’t together anymore. I believe my ex is a good person, and will until the day I die, but that doesn’t mean I’m was not hurt, angry and bitter over the way it ended. During this phone call, my ex patiently listened while I explained, vented and generally said all of the “if I could just tell her one more thing” statements that have been dogging me for months. She interacted with me during the phone call, and stated her position in a calm collected manner. I was left with no doubt that she’ll always care for and love me. She even told me she was sorry for the way she hurt me.
Wow. Closure, right? I should be so happy. I got to say everything I wanted to say and then some. She apologized. Life is great!
Not so fast. All this conversation did was dredge up emotions I had worked my butt off to contain over the last few months. And I had contained them because I stuck to the program here, I did my grief work, I maintained NC unless it was absolutely necessary, I sought and obtained professional help. By the end of last week I was suffering from the worst grief recycling episode I’ve had since New Years Eve, all because I got what I wanted: the ability to have that last “closure” contact with the person I loved, but who has now moved on in her life.
Here’s the moral of the story for me. Don’t seek closure, it doesn’t exist. Closure is a fancy word that has no practical application to the broken-hearted. Stick to what’s real: your grief and your grief work; you and your happiness; your future, not your past.
Still Standing,
You’re so right. There’s no amount of questions answered or statements made that can fill the gaping hole in my chest that used to be a loving heart – working through the pain is the only answer. I must stay focused on me, which is so not my character, you know? I made an appointment with a therapist today, at the urging of my family. Positive step. There’s one.
Believe me, therapy is a huge positive step. I never journaled until last week but I do now. It’s amazing to look back on how far you’ve come as you read your journal. In the aftermath of this recycling episode my journal was filled with sadness and despair. Today, I feel much better.
When we do our grief work properly, it’s not like we become bullet proof – relapses and recycling episodes still happen, but those episodes seem shorter in duration and more manageable.
Good to hear you are feeling better. Gives me hope that I will to, one day. I don’t have internet at home, so journaling starts tonight.
Hello Everyone,
Ok…. for those of you who know my story… I finally talked to the ex for that one last time yesterday to hear what he had to say (nothing that made sense) and to let him know that I don’t want him contacting me hence forth. We spoke for a couple of hours (yes, and it is concluded that I’m not meeting him face to face for our last talk etc… no… on the phone it was done). In the conversation I kept asking so many questions, he gave weird answers… I found out more and more unexpected things about when and how close he became with this new girl he has fallen in love with at the same time he stopped talking to me and left me hanging…. today has just been a whirlwind of heartache emotions. I was NC for 3 weeks, but then I had to talk that one last talk, otherwise he’d think we could still be friends or talk to me like nothing has happened. There is some relief that the talk is over…. but now all over again it’s like okay… now it is 100% over… it feels awful… I’m very upset since yesterday… could hardly work today, can’t stop talking about what the conversation was like etc.
I was doing a little better with NC I guess and since I’ve been on this blog I do understand however hard it is to maintain NC… it is a must and the thing to do… so from today.. unfortunately for the rest of my life (or atleast a few years…. I doubt I will ever talk after that, but now that is how I feel)… I will have to maintain NC with this ex. It’s very very hard… I feel so broken.
All my questions are around… how and why he could do what he did to me…. I got to know more about how far he is in this reln with her that he knows hardly for 2-3 months and that too it is a long distance reln…. (I know for sure it won’t last, I donno why he’s even carrying on with her… she lives in another country now!)… seems like he’s just using her as a rebound.
The ex said he was sorry, but not more than that… he didn’t express remorse where he’d want to do something to make it better (he asked once if there was anything and I said no), he also said that he just felt attracted to this other person and he just went ahead (wtf?!)…. it was an awful conversation…. now all over again I feel abandoned, alone etc…
Well guys… now the hard part is I have all these gruelling expressions and emotions inside me that want to get out and say things to him… it’s so hard to hold them inside, I don’t know what to do…. but I know I have to maintain NC and I also know he and I can never be friends after the very very poor way he has treated me.
His explanation of why he didn’t call me for 3 weeks (and dated this other woman and even slept with her) after yelling at me is coz he was angry…. but how does that allow you to not even end our reln properly and go ahead with someone else. >:(
I’m a mess now… I’m angry, torn, frustrated, sad, mad… everything…
I know I was better before doomsday yesterday… so I have to get back on track and be strong.
All the support is much appreciated. Thanks.
Sad Anna
Anna,
So many similar threads with what I experienced. The *betrayal* is just so hard to get one’s mind around. And yeah, the ex kept asking me “what can I do”…maybe love addiction is at work in your ex’s case also, but in the end it really doesn’t matter why the jerks did it.
I find it hard to believe that someone who I spent so much time with and considered my ‘best friend’ could have done something like that, and I find it hard to understand that I’ll never talk to him again in my life (but this is *really* true- I managed to piss him off at the end of things :D good in the long run).
But if I were standing outside of myself and looking at the situation I would say:
- Was he a true friend? (I always felt that he didn’t respect me- that’s not the kind of friends I usually have!!)
- Did he bring positive things into my life? (He did nice things sometimes for me, but a lot of the time he was an emotional burden and a person who just didn’t seem pleased to hear from me! Again, is this the kind of friend I usually have and/or want? NOOO!)
- If I *really* had the chance to take him back would I want that? (Away from him, I was able to see not just the good & sweet things about him, but the way he didn’t treat me well and invalidated me all the time. And then of course, that final betrayal. What a self-absorbed JERK! I am *SO* better off without that guy. And I think you are too.)
- A good, honest person ENDS A RELATIONSHIP before entering one with another person. A *healthy* person ends a relationship before getting together with another person. Anything else seems sick, dishonest, and *selfish*. (Do I want *that*?)
I understand how talking with him again messed things up more. It really is an NC issue. NC keeps us much more *balanced*. But we still have this grief made up of loss, betrayal, guilt, habit, dreams. It’s not been easy for me this week either.
It’s a real relief to have found this site and see others at various stages of getting over The Breakup.
My boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago with a cold ‘I just don’t love you enough’. We’d been on and off for two years with him constantly breaking it off and then persistently pursuing me. Which I allowed and in fact probably hoped for throughout, making constant excuses for his often terrible behaviour. This round was more serious than the others with him introducing me to all the family, inviting me on a family holiday and claiming to be really serious about commiting only to pull away again after I’d started to trust him.
I know (in theory) I’m better off and that an end to two years of pain is a good thing, but I’ve been achingly sad and have been doing a lot of work to start building myself back up. I still do actually miss him terribly and have yet to figure out why. But while it’s tough, I can see an end to the tears and can see there is an opportunity to rebuild my life and self esteem which has been really battered over the course of this relationship. The advice here will really help with that.
But. We not only work together but we sit opposite one another (yes, stupid, yes, probably the reason for all the getting back together). I’m looking for other work but for logistical reasons it will take months before the situation changes – it’s also really hard to find the energy to look for work while dealing with breakup pain. So no contact is not exactly an option. We don’t talk at all outside work but at work he doesn’t leave me be, cheerfully sharing details of his family, asking after my friends, making the same inside jokes we shared while together and acting like nothing ever happened between us and we’re great chums.
I’ve tried civil and cold, I’ve tried friendly and light. I’ve been through extreme sadness and a bit of denial as well when I actually fell into the everything is fine pattern he seems to want to maintain. I’ve had to admit to myself that I just don’t matter to him very much even as a friend and he is not going to help make this easy, and have now hit the angry phase. Where I’m definitely not (though I desperately want to be) is at indifference. That seems to be his territory alone. On the weekends I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but seeing his face 8 hours a day just makes the grief so intense!
Has anyone had to deal with seeing their ex all the time? Is there anything I can do to keep this from impeding my recovery other than get out of the situation as soon as I can, given that it’s going to be months away?
Hang in there Jen. That sounds like such a tough situation. While I don’t have any ideas about recovery, I can tell you that I wish I had moved to a new apartment soon after my NC started so that I wouldn’t have the environment encouraging me to go back to my same old habits of thought. But I thought that I couldn’t even stand one more bit of stress, so I stayed. But I decided to get out yesterday, and went ahead and called about an ad.
Do you think it’s possible that you might use a connection to get a good job more quickly?
i broke up with my boyfriend of almost 5 months a few days ago. we are freshman in college, and although i know 5 months isnt that long of a time, we were pretty much inseperable. the thing is…when i first got to college, i broke up with the guy i was dating for 8 months previously because i was afraid that i needed to do my own thing at school (since he was 3 hours away from me now). little did i know at the time, that decision was a big mistake on my part. i met another guy (the one im grieving over now) in my first few weeks here, and i was totally infatuated with him. i thought he was cute, outgoing, friendly, fun… and he liked me. we spent time together for those few weeks, and he kept telling me he wanted to be with me and only me and didnt want to hook up with other girls, etc. etc., but i kept saying i needed time becuase i had just gotten out of a previous relationship. then i find out a week or so after he tells me he “wants only me” that he ends up sleeping with some random girl that he met at a party. while i know that we werent dating so this wasnt technically cheating, i was disgusted because he told me differently and at that point id started to have feelings for him. i was angry and stayed away from him for a while after that, but he appoligized and seemed as though he regretted his decision that night. stupid me…i looked past it all and i said hes still a good guy, he just messed up. we began dating not long after..i spent all my time with him and his core group of friends who then became mine, because it was still the beginning of the school year and they were pretty much my only real close group of friends here. i basically lived in my ex’s room because i had roommate problems and it was comforting and easy for me to stay with him and his roomie, who had become another one of my good friends. well… there were many red flags during our relationship that i looked past, and i think now i should have left a long time ago..i think.
we would bicker and have little stupid fights all the time. he wouldnt let me talk to other guys, and i had trust issues with him too because of how our relationship started with what he did with that random party girl. he loved to drink, yet everytime he did, it would only intensify those fights that we always had. hes gotten violent with me twice, one night he pushed me and threw my phone so i coudlnt call my dad because i threated to since i felt like he was being disrespecful and i was nervous. i think i should have left after that, but he appoligized and said he didnt remember it and he was so sorry, etc.
another thing with him was that i always had this constant feeling in my stomach that whenever he went home he was doing something wrong, like seeing his ex or other girls. in fact, his ex gf left me message one day telling me that everytime he went home to work he would cheat on me with her. i showed him the messgae and he flipped out and called her, but she didnt answer so i never got closure with that, i just took his word for it.
all of our close friends would tell me, you guys need to stop with these stupid fights because we dont even want to hang out with you anymore its getting so ridiculous. so we broke up over christmas break, and then i took him back when he called me crying and sent me an email of this long list of things he was going to do to make us better. my concerns with him were our constant fights, the underlying mistrust, the fact that he is very unemotional and i am one of the most emotional people there is………. i felt like we werent compatible but i couldnt leave and didnt want to leave because i was so comforted by being with him because hes been all ive ever known since coming up to school. we just kept falling back into this tunnel. so after i took him back and we came back to school here for 2nd semester, nothing really had changed. some days it was okay, and other days it was just unbearable becuse of the fighting.
recently, i also had been hearing rumors that he had “cheated on me alot” and one of the incidences was when the roommate of a girl who he had mentioned a few times in the past as being his “friend” (say her name is alex) , told me that alex was someone who corey had cheated on me with not too long ago. ironicallly. i was shocked when her name came up as one of the people he was supposedly involved with. he had talked about her so it didnt seem too unbelievable, but i was still shocked and so hurt because despite our fights and everything, he was still my bf and my best guy friend here. he keeps denying they ever did anything. i dont know.
a few days ago, i finally said to him that we were going downhill and i just cant do it anymore. he was like “ur right, so its over?” and i said…you agree? yeah it is. and he was like alright then, and we talked about giving eachother our stuff back. and that was it. and we didnt talk for a day or so and i cried becuase i was shocked that i actually ended it and i was being strong and not falling back into him again.
ive been seeing alot of him recently, at a party i was at the other night, he showed up and asked to talk to me in the hall. he was like i never cheated on you, etc. and he started to yel at me and when i tried to go back upstairs to the party, he tried tripping me down the stairs. i didnt really think too much of it beacuse he has been like this with me before. i went back in the party and he came up to me again and it turned into him pushing me and then i tried to push back in self defense and he grabbed my arm and twisted it.. alot of guys saw and kicked him out of the party and were yelling at him saying how disrespectful it was. i was crying because i was in shock becuase of that, and crying of course becuase the break up is still so real.
that was on friday night… its now monday night. he brought my stuff back to me and gave me a letter saying how sorry he was that he didnt respect me enough and i deserve better and he wishes he could have me back but he knows now this isnt a joke, and i am serious in my decision. today i brought him his clothes back, and we were alone in his room for about 30 mins. we talked a little and i said i had to leave and i started to cry because it was just strange leaving a place so comforting to me in the past, and leaving him. i guess to me it was closure, but he didnt cry or anything.
now i get text messgaes from him, about 4 a day saying… “im bored” “this is so hard”, sending me pictures of places that remind me of him. i cant get away from him and everyone is telling me i need space, but its so hard when hes so close and we live on such a small campus. its also so hard becuase all of my good friends are his good friends, so i cant hang around them or i just get 10x as emotional. so now i have to deal with not having him, and not having those same friends around as much.
i am proud of myself for not giving in so far… and i dont plan on doing it at all. im pretty sure this is what i need, becuase i know myself and my morals and although we had alot of good times, we had more unhealthy ones than all else. im trying hard to get him out of my mind, even though its only been about 5 days… he just wont get away and i guess thats his way of grieving is to keep talking to me, but its making things alot harder for me… everytime i see him or get a text from him, my stomach turns upside down.
i dont understand why im having such a hard time when i know he is an unhealthy person and our relationship was so unhealthy as well. i know i need to be strong and i will be… but how do i keep going about doing it?
=/
My post about love addiction was in response to Mona’s description of someone with committment issues: how some persons pull away as soon as their partners move closer.
Pia Mellody’s book on love addiction helped me, for a several reasons. A couple stand out. One, it describes a specific dynamic that occurs between two people are in what she calls a love addictive relationship. In the dynamic, one person is seducing then witholding, or chasing then running. Whereas once the other person begins moving toward the one seducing, a switch often occurs in the seducer; and suddenly he or she — the seducer– begins witholding.
While it is a dance that takes two: often the seducer makes a really hard play for the other. The seduction is really intense: the seducer may not even know the other person that well but comes on strong. If you’re the other, you almost feel like a spell is being cast upon you. But because this is a love addiction dance( in which no one is truly able to connect), as the other begins expressing a desire for closeness, the seducer stops the seduction, and, seemingly overnight, the seducer starts withholding. Suddenly, the other is hearing things like “you’re too demanding…you’re too needy” or being criticized about virtually everything. The seducer may pick fights which creates distance with the other. The seducer is backing away, and in running mode — the chase is over. The seducer who is in the witholding and running mode may take off with another; or, make life so unpleasant , the other person ends it. (That’s what happen with my ex.) Either way, the seducer has pulled away. And what’s confusing is: when, or, if the other pulls away from the seducer(who is still witholding or running) that may be the trigger the seducer needs, to start the dance all over again — to chase and to seduce the other.
The second reason this book helped is, it describes what role the other person assumes in the love addiction dance; the role in which I was cast.
Mellody says that while the seducer is doing his or her seduction-then-running thing, the other is often feeling abandoned, and begins to “need” more and more from the seducer who’s not there, either emotionally or physically. The other now becomes the chaser chasing the seducer. But, at this point, the seducer has pretty much checked out, and moved on down the road. He’ll stay down the road til he meets someone new– if he hasn’t already– then start the dance anew with that person. However, sometimes the someone down the road leaves or becomes “too needy” for the seducer, so the seducer might give it another go with the previous other… do the dance with her all over again — that is, if she let’s him. In my case, my ex hasn’t tried to resume the dance with me, so far.
So learning about love addiction( which does apply to me and my ex); how the dance is danced: MY part as well as his, helped me clear up a lot of the confusion; the hot then cold behavior of my ex. Mellody’s description helped me to see how the dance gets danced no matter who the partners are; to see that until the dancers see the dance, and their parts, the dance just keeps getting danced over and over and over again. That’s the addiction: both partners are involved. The seducer keeps wanting to get away, and the other keeps trying to get closer.
I don’t think all people with committment issues are in this addictive dance. But I believe my ex and I were doing this dance in our relationship. Reading this book helped me look at my relationship with my ex but more importantly, it helped me understand myself better. What I did in the relationship that was unhealthy, and why.
The book tells me that if I get into a relationship with someone who is a seducer/withholder, he or she will keep doing the dance …’til he stops, sees, and changes his or her behavior. But for the seducer, that’s often a big IF.
Meanwhile, as the other, I’ve got my own behavior to face.
I put this out there for anyone who’s interested.
This one page has helped me a lot. I plan to read more from this site. I did a google search and came across this. I’ve been married one year and have an impending separation/divorce on my hands. We’ve been together 5 years and I fear I’m going to ‘lose it’ but have to keep telling myself to be strong, it’s for the best (he was abusive), the future will be better and brighter.
Thanks seeif for the posting. It elaborated on some of the stuff I’ve read briefly about.
abbie,
Get a new cell phone number. Get your friends to watch out for you at parties and keep that guy away from you. This sounds kind of serious and dangerous. Remember that all of us deserve the best in life, and from what you say, he ain’t it.
Seeif just pegged what I’ve been going through for the last 4 years. I’ve been stuck in this hell never understanding why there would be wonderful times, then all of a sudden, it’s as if he turned the switch to “off”. He even told me not to touch him once! Then he would disappear for months. Only to start the chase again. What that does to someone’s self-worth . . I can’t describe it.
abbie,
Another way to stay strong is to get professional support.
Seeif, LDMoon, I’ve also been dancing the dance for a long time, know the hot and cold of what Seeif describes as love addiction very well. We would break up, usually initiated by me but forced by his awful behaviour, aloofness, sometimes even bordering on emotional abuse. He would go away for a few months (usually to someone else who he treated the same way as me) and then start pursuing me again (usually just as I was recovering and thought I was over it). Importantly, he’d come back claiming to be willing to give more than before, claiming to be really serious about commiting to me. And I’d believe him and off we’d go again. And LDMoon, he would stop touching me too and tell me he wasn’t attracted to me after months of chasing me. Not so great for the old self esteem.
The word of warning I’d have, and I don’t know if you find this, but there was a big pitfall for me in reading about love addiction and commitment phobia. Yes I recognised the patterns and it was comforting to have it explained (and if I’m to be honest, comforting to know that it was largely his problem and not just about me being not good enough for him or him not liking me enough). However, I found it really tempting, once I understood it, to try to ‘help him’, alleviate his discomfort with relationships, and even use it as ammo by being aloof with him but giving him just enough so that he would turn on the chase again.
Don’t do it! This stuff is good to understand but we’ve probably all spent more than enough time trying to understand them and their patterns. The best I’ve found after understanding this phenomenon was to let go of him, let go of trying to figure it out or fix it (which I did for years) and focus on myself instead of investing/giving away any more energy to the game. I’ll tell you, it takes some strength!
Good point, Jen, regarding your warning above. Well put, I think. Wondering
about their afflictions, issues, problems, fears, motivations–it all keeps
us caught up in their lives and heads, and we’re supposed to be OUT OF THERE.
We have to be smart and not turn any useful tool (like a book) into another excuse
to stay hooked into the drama.
Thanks, Jen and Kathy. One of the last things I said to him was that I can’t play the game anymore. I realize now that I want to alleviate my own discomfort and try to understand, possibly for the first time, why I behave the way I do in relationships. He’s someone else’s problem now. I’m just left with the pieces, once again. And my heart and stomach hurts constantly. All I know is, I need to be ready for him the next time. Because I can’t help but think there will be a next time.
thanks for everyones advice but the thing is i’m 31 yrs. old and it seems people in general are just real shady. i have never done anyone wrong friends or girlfriends. it just always seems that everyone ends up turning their back on me or stabbing me in the back when i’ve always been so honest and trustworthy. i have stuck my neck out for people numerous times just to have my head cut off. i just don’t get it. i’m really getting to the point where i have a hard time trusting anyone. when i was younger i had a lot of friends and it just seems at one point or another that trust ends and it’s over. i just don’t know if my expectations of people are to high or what. i just want people in my life that can give the same effort towards a relationship that i give and they just never do. is the problem me or everyone else? i left a post a while back about a girlfriend that walked out on me almost seven years into our relationship. now a friend of mine of 16 years has just turned his back on me when i have never asked him for anything. i’ve just always assumed with all the times i’ve been there for him that if i ever needed anything he would do the same. the favor i asked of him was something that was so simple and could not hurt him in any way. some of the things i’ve done for this friend: iv’e lied to the police for him when he got in a accident drunk so he wouldn’t get a second d.u.i. i said i was driving went through court lying for his ass. i’ve had my head kicked in when he got jumped because he was running his mouth i didn’t run. i got him the highest paying job he’s ever had. this is the thanks i get. my life is just caving in one thing after another and it just makes me want to snap!!! are there any honest trustworthy people anymore who don’t just claim 2 be until shit hits the fan. thanks for your response
Ronald. I feel the same way! I have such a hard time trusting now that I actually get anxious when meeting new people. I used to be very outgoing and loved to party with friends but now it is hard because I have seen the true side of some and I don’t trust myself anymore. I was also an amazing friend and girlfriend. I was always honest and constantly looking out for others, and yet I have been stabbed in the back and left behind more times then I care to admit. I too have been told that expect too much from people but I don’t understand how after you have given all you could to a person, how not expecting a fraction of that in return is wrong. I don’t ask for as much as I give, but at least a basic level of respect and understanding. My bestfriend of 7 years turned her back on me after my boyfriend of 3 broke up with me. I have NEVER done anything to hurt either of them, and have literally helped them through the hardest time in their lives (his parent’s divorce and dad’s attempted suicide, and her father’s death, mothers mental illness, and her own attempted suicide). I will never understand how someone can turn their back on a person who loved them so much. I value people far to great to ever do such a thing, especially in their time of need.
I don’t really know what to say, or have amazing uplifting advice to give, but I am right there with you Ronald. And it scares me and breaks my heart daily.
LDMoon,
I know what you mean about using the knowledge about relationship addiction to help your ex. I actually did try “to educate” him about love addiction. But the thing of it is not only can’t you educate or advise someone out of behavior/addiction, but the effort often sucks YOU further into your part of the addiction /illness.
As a person who was seduced and chased, then emotionally abandoned, it helped me and my self-esteem to understand that the dynamic between me and my ex was some kind of addictive ritual for the seducer. However,… as the person who also participated in the dynamic, I had to learn about my own part in the love addiction.
What reading about love addiction did was to clarify what goes on in love addiction, how it works, and who does what. However, I had to realize that I was participating in this sick behavior but in a different way. Reading Facing Love Addiction made me realize I had a lot of work to do. I realized that work would involve uncovering the reasons why I GOT pulled into this dynamic; to look at my own vulnerabilities, my own attraction to this seduction and flattery–despite SEEING a number of red flags early on that I ignored. The heart of my recovery has been: why DID I ignore those red flags.
I had to acknowledge my need to be filled up with emotional intensity — the main ingredient of the addiction. And, to look at my own emptiness that attracted someone like him.
Learning about the addiction, and what was his part, helped me to put the focus on myself. That’s what I’ve been doing as I recover from the love addiction: focusing on my issues. Finding out what losses to grieve from way back, as well as doing relationship and life inventories.
One thing I know about addiction is you are powerless to change another person. You can only change yourself, heal yourself. Denial is something that is sewn up in each person, and the threads of that denial can only be unraveled by the person who possesses that particular denial. I can’t unravel yours, and you can’t unravel mine.
But if I keep an eye on the colors of thread in my own denial then at least there’s a chance to pull mine apart.
I may have misled you. My motive in reading about love addiction was to look at my behavior — as well as his– in this love addiction dance. Also, I wanted to understand my OWN codependent behaviors in the context of love addiction.
My focus is on my recovery but the book helped me to see the whole picture. And, learning that my ex and I were probably in the throes of a relationship addiction that had more to do with fantasy (mine and his) than reality, helped me let go.
LDMoon, I’m worried about the next time too, and then worried (and guilty) when I catch myself worrying that there won’t be a next time. But you made a decision and it’s something to be proud of!
Our situations sound all too similar. For me it helps to try and seperate two things: 1. the real grieving i feel because i miss him and the good times we had, and 2. the pain of rejection and shame of selling myself short for too long. I think the first is manageable and understandable, and there is great advice on how to get through it on this site. The second (for me at least) is an ego thing and that’s something I’ve had to recognize and am working on letting go of. I’ve got this compulsion to set things right, prove he really does like me behind the front he puts up when he pushes me away, and recover my bruised ego. That only leads back to the game – believing the next time will be different when it’s always the same, making excuses for his awful behaviour when he comes back. I think if I can let go of the attempt to mend my ego within this relationship, I can (as you say) remember NOT TO PLAY and make my decision stick. And then we get the chance to rebuild real self esteem instead of trying to get it back through them.
It’s uphill from here! Take care of yourself.
Seeif & Jen,
Your posts have gotten me through the first hour here at my job. I’ve read and re-read them and am amazed at the similarities of our situations and the pain we’re all feeling. I think I will wait a few weeks to get some time behind me before I read Facing Love Addiction. I’m afraid I’ll turn all the guilt on myself right now. I think back, 4 years ago, and can see so clearly that I didn’t want to get sucked into this relationship. It then began, as the seducer game, to him. I see that now. But where I was then in my life, it’s like he KNEW he was going to wear me down. I let him have access to all things me. Then he only wanted access when it was convenient. Then I let him have access without all the romance & emotion (he no longer wanted to talk about “I love you”, etc.) Then, as the final phase, I took any crumb he would throw my way. I instincly knew when I could push and when he would run away. I am trying to cope with allowing someone the use of my body, only to leave, listening to me beg, and he didn’t look back. All I’ve ever wanted was for him to think “highly” of me. To think I am a worthwhile person. How can he if I don’t feel that way myself?!? Jen, the second part about selling yourself short is the root of my problem. That’s where I think the professional help is going to help the most. Thank you both so much and look forward to more of your thoughts.
LDMoon,
We are worthy. These days, LD, I try to focus on the ways I ALREADY do respect myself;count the ways I have self-respect, now.
One big one is I come to this blog and post. It takes courage to face myself, my break up, and who I was in the relationship. In the 12 step group I’m in people say there are two ways to use FEAR: You can Forget Everything And Run OR you can Face Everything And Recover.
I believe we’re doing the latter. And it takes guts to do that, in my book.
Take good, loving care of yoursef LD Moon, today. YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Now, you have time to think ‘highly of yourself’.
Seeif
Thanks, Seeif. I like that anagram. I’ll definitely keep in my the latter! At least I have a good job and I do get respect when I’m here. I can build from that. And this site is wonderful.
Jen, LD Moon/Seeif…sounds like we all suffer from the same/similar twisted situation. They keep coming back with more empty promises. They keep us in the game by saying all the wonderful things we want to hear, it will be different, I’ve changed, I’m sorry. blah blah blah. (mine even got therapy for awhile when he finally admitted he had a problem). Like Susan has said so many times “when someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM”. We love them so much we want to believe the lies, it just takes time to understand that they might really believe it when they say it at the time, but WE know better…we’ve been thru the vicious cycle and it never gets better, or if it does, not for long…and then the whole game starts over again. Its exhausting and demoralizing and I am done. It is very difficult to maintain NC with someone who constantly manages contact (we work together so he has my work email, which I can not change). But I’m getting there. We just need to stay strong. I am looking forward to the day that I can just laugh at the pathetic mess he has made of something that could have been so good if he could have just gotten it together. But, I’m done playing that role. I need to fix myself, I can’t fix him, he is too broken.
Jen, LD Moon/Seeif…sounds like we all suffer from the same/similar twisted situation. They keep coming back with more empty promises. They keep us in the game by saying all the wonderful things we want to hear, it will be different, I’ve changed, I’m sorry. blah blah blah. (mine even got therapy for awhile when he finally admitted he had a problem). Like Susan has said so many times “when someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM”. We love them so much we want to believe the lies, it just takes time to understand that they might really believe it when they say it at the time, but WE know better…we’ve been thru the vicious cycle and it never gets better, or if it does, not for long…and then the whole game starts over again. Its exhausting and demoralizing and I am done. It is very difficult to maintain NC with someone who constantly manages contact (we work together so he has my work email, which I can not change). But I’m getting there. We just need to stay strong. I am looking forward to the day that I can just laugh at the pathetic mess he has made of something that could have been so good if he could have just gotten it together. But, I’m done playing that role. I need to fix myself, I can’t fix him, he is too broken.
I have been a mess full of anger and hurt since sunday… the last time I talked to my ex. I have not been able to maintain NC meaning… I have sent him a couple of emails and got replies… the emails are of my thoughts and suffereing, anger etc… I keep telling him what I think of him etc. etc. (Because this was the first time there was any discussion after he cut me off and this was the first time I found out so much more than I didn’t know). I keep telling myself that … no tomorrow I won’t email him, but again I do…this has happened on tuesday and today..wednesday. The replies I get for every 50 lines is like 2 line reply …which is so neutral (no emotion whatesoever) and doesn’t even make me feel better coz it makes me even more angry as it seems that he doesn’t even get what I’m going through or what he did to me. I feel so victimised and I donno how to come out of this. I’ve gone NC before, getting to restart NC is seeming to be a problem. It is so hard to know you will never have contact with this person you were with for 4 years… but yeah, he has definitely been a self absorbed banana head.
I need to get through this. It has been so hard. I hope I’ll have the strength not to contact him tomorrow. I wish I was stronger…..
:( hope it gets better. thanks for the support and thoughts.
Dear Ronald t and Hope,
Along with you both, I too have always given more of myself than what I expected in return. Because I am like this in nature, I’ve noticed throughout the years, it seems like I’m the one who gets bullied whether it be someone at work or my ex who I used to think of as my best friend. There are good people in this world. People that would bend over backwards and never ask for anything in return. I know this to be true because I know two of them. They know me for me and love me just as I am. Sometimes I’m so guilty of feeling sorry for myself because I cannot stop the constant thoughts of my ex and forget about these two dear friends. Despite my abandonment, they are still there. Without them, I don’t think I really have any others which I would call “true friends”. While I know that they probably get very sick and tired of hearing my story again and again, I also know that they would do anything for me if I ever asked. There is nothing wrong with being a good person, however, I wish I knew how to stand up to the everyday bullies. I’m journaling everyday; setting goals for myself (one at a time); going to the gym when I can; and reading Susan’s site every day now. Soon, I hope to regain control of my own feelings and walk with my head held high. It’s hard to love yourself first when you know only how to love others, but I’m working on it. Susan always knows what to post and what to say to make anyone feel good about themselves and the people here I can wholeheartedly relate to. In all the years I was with my ex, I was so eager to please that I forgot about how to appreciate myself. Everyday is a new day and I will be so happy when the day comes that I can honestly say “I’ve moved on”. My ex taught me about using people and disloyalty to name a few. I’d rather be me any day, rather than needlessly hurt someone else. To this day, I remember his words when he told me he met someone else. He walked away from me like I didn’t matter or even exist. Not once, but twice. There are good people. He definitely is not one of them!
Keep your chin up Anna. Have you thought about getting some professional support? It’s someone else on your side.
Serenity,
I actually have seen a counsellor a few times… I won’t be able to regularly see her as there is a high deductible for my insurance etc…Her sessions have helped a little, not a whole lot. I feel posts on this site have helped me more! I do have a few friends I talk to etc…. but this whole thing just sucks sooo much and is so hard. Plus I live alone which is worse… anyway, I have to get back on the NC wagon…. getting back on is soo hard!!! I hope I can pull through.
Thanks so much for your caring thoughts.
Susan, what a great blog entry. It’s good to know that I’m not alone. I especially appreciate your insight about accepting our feelings for what they are and not trying to suppress them.
This March I would have been with my boyfriend for five years. Last summer he had to leave the country for work. I thought it would be for only one year, but then he told me it would probably be longer. After more prodding from me, he said he wasn’t ready for “serious commitments” right now because he was too focused on himself. He is very driven and has a life schedule: at least three years to get established in his career, then move on to a serious relationship that would presumably lead to marriage. We both agreed it was unfair to both of us to continue the relationship. That was in November of last year.
I know we made the right choice when we separated, but I can’t fully let go of him because he said that when he was ready, I would be the first person he would look to. That hope drives me crazy — he might find someone new along the way, someone he would feel deeply enough to alter his schedule for. At the same time, I believe him when he said that he wouldn’t be in a serious relationship for at least the next three years. He’s an investment banker and he usually works past midnight, and sometimes even on the weekends, so he barely has time for a personal life anyway.
Also, in another conversation, I wished him success. He responded that he wouldn’t consider himself a success unless he had his personal life sorted out.
I discounted the idea that he was dangling me — he was being honest as always. He cared for me very deeply. Remembering that, I wrote him a letter on Valentine’s day with — I’m sorry to say — insightful little nuggets. He wrote me a long email thanking me for the letter and also let me know how he was doing and what his short-term future plans are (he’s leaving his current country again in six months), and he also gave me advice about my own future plans. He even said that he thought of me on V-day. He also mentioned that he was managing to go out on the weekends, and I’m pretty sure he’s seeing someone right now.
I’m surprised at the popularity of the “no contact” rule. I have limited contact with him — I called him once in January in response to a message he sent me, and then wrote him in February — certainly unlike the nightly conversations we used to have. I guess this relates to my dilemma: I would like to keep in touch with him because we used to be very close, but at the same time I need to let go. But I can’t let go because there’s a chance we might get back together.
As for me, I am definitely not getting into a relationship anytime soon. My friends, bless them, are trying to live vicariously through me and encouraging me to go out with as many people as I can. I will when I’m ready.
As for my ex — it probably won’t work out and we’ll probably never even see each other again. Is the “no contact” rule supposed to shield me from that possibility?
Anna,
I understand about the expense. Perhaps you can try to go six straight weeks at least, because this early part is the *very worst* and that can help you over it. You can also try groups as Susan suggests. You need to get bolstering up wherever you can.
Anna, Believe me, NC is the hardest part. All of a sudden, I’ll start thinking “I want to call I want to call I want call”. It becomes overwhelming. Then, I remember how humiliated I feel afterward. I take deep breaths and force myself to calm down. My mantra is “Easy, this will pass” I say it over and over again. It has worked for me since Sunday night, which was the last time I spoke with him. Well, that’s 3 days, anyway. That’s all we can do – one day at a time. Good luck. I’m pulling for you!
Anna-
I was in the same position as you with visiting a councelor, and my deductible was so high combined with my relatively low earnings, there just wasn’t a way that was going to be able to happen. On top of that, the potential to have a health related incident on top of counceling would be too much for me to handle financially at the moment.
Unfortunately, this has put me in a position where I have to rely on self-help 100% and makes the challenge that much harder.
I’m sorry to hear about maintaining NC and it is indeed tremendously difficult. I think the first step would be to see where you want yourself to be and what you will do to reach it. Contacting after maintaing NC for so long is difficult, and the worst part about it is that it is like starting back to step 1.
This happened to me over and over again, in the early portion of my break up. I kept believing if I kept trying that eventually the outcome will be different. After several months, it was not changing and nothing was coming out of it. She was the person who made up her mind and that was it.
The only thing that me contacting her resulted in was a loss of my self-respect and dignity.
I hope for the best Anna, and I know since you maintained NC before for 3 weeks that you can do it again.
Not everyone does things perfectly the first time they try, I know I didn’t. Keep your head high and keep moving forward !
Anna,
In “How to Break Your Addiction to a Person” Halpern talks about how these feelings are based way way back in our childhood. So when you have the urge to call, you might actually be feeling something more like a baby would if its mother left the room for a while… This is an awful feeling to have as an adult.
Something like LDMoon suggested is good. You can also try to push other mantras in your mind like “I am loved by my family and good friends” and “I am complete and wonderful inside myself”.
There are also some CODA groups that have online meetings you can attend virtually.
hi,,
please offer some advice to me….
my ex broke it off with me about 3 months ago, the day after i got really sick, i was in shock when he did it, especially being in the state that i was in…i became very depressed, and my health declined, but in the end it will make me stronger.
now the thing is, in december he keeps talking to me online, and i just called him up, and blew up at him because he acts as if nothing happened. i told him to erase my number, etc.
well he didn’t erase my number, and kept calling, and friends kept calling and asking for different people, i changed my number after that.
the problem is, we go to the same school, same program, he is one year ahead of me, but bump into the halls, i look the other way, and direct my eyes elsewhere, and completely ignore him.
he has before told me that he wanted to remain friends, but i know that he would just break up with me again, and keep playing me like a yoyo.
my problem is, i do feel sad, but i have this overwhelming anger whenever i think of him, and think how i allowed my health to decline, i just get anger to think that anyone can be so cruel like that.
i don’t want to feel this way, why do i want to wish him not good things?
bah,
what should i do? i’m thinking of joining the gym to let all the aggresion out…any ideas?
Serenity, Michael and LDMoon,
Thank you guys so much for your posts. Today I’ll be going to my counsellor to pay the huge sum and see if I can afford to attend any more sessions.
Thanks for those mantras… I haven’t been doing any affirmations, I have to start on that.
I’ve just been having alot of rage inside me…so much anger and hurt about how he did what he did… I have not called him once, but it’s that I im him or email him what I think about him and how I feel…. I know it’s not going to change anything, but there is this deep feeling that I want him to know the torture and pain I have felt…. he did respond to a couple of the im’s but then has stopped, coz he knows there’s hardly anything to say that will make it change plus he has already moved on so much with the new girl he is with (it was horrible to get my questions answered when I last talked to him on sunday, I’m still in shock as to how behind my back, without even talking to me about his feelings or seeing how I’m doing….he just has fallen head over heels for her… spending so much money on her… I just don’t get it)… anyway… yeah, last night was a depressing one… today has been a bit better… I just went and got a haircut (which i could have done yesterday if i wasn’t so down in the dumps!) and as I had mentioned earlier in one of my posts…tomorrow I’m going on my second trip planned (no more planned for now) to Texas…. will be meeting a girlfriend there and be back on sunday…. I’m sure atleast this way I will be away from a computer for 2.5 days and be with somoene that I won’t be able to talk abt this issue too much with. So, I hope that by the time I’m back, I can kill this urge to im / email him my continous thoughts.
I haven’t picked up the phone to call or txt him, so Im glad that I feel okay in that area.
Thank you guys so much for your support. It means alot!! I hope we all will do better soon. I will try to be as positive as I can…
And yeah Michael, it does feel like I’m starting from step1, especially coz all these new shocks and information has been reeling in my mind for the last 3 days……
One thing I have to look forward to is a colleague who is in an offshore location will be in our office for work for two weeks… we get along really well and hope to hang out and go places once he’s here next week…..he is just a friend and a good friend… so I do hope to be distracted by his visit…. and hopefully will be better….
These last few days including today have just been the most difficult.
Take care you all…..
ON RECYCLING
Time was when I thought recycling was such a noble concept. I mean it was good for the environment, to which I am so dedicated. What a grand thing to do – to keep all that plastic out of the landfills – all that glass off the beaches – forget about sending all those beer cans to such an ignominious end. No more unnecessary waste, but instead righteous action to honor the concept of recycling, and doing such good for my planet.
Then came The Breakup. The fall from grace. Off the mountaintop and into the mudpit. Grief, and plenty of it. The anger actually felt better than the grief, and I longed for cheap crockery to throw into the walls. It seemed like a nuclear winter had covered my landscape – all was darkness, and not only the plantlife but my very insides were dying. There’s just nothing like this journey, and it’s the trip I never wanted to take, the roadtrip from hell, the vacation cruise you waited a lifetime to experience, and then everyone on board got the bacteria from another planet, and you lost yourself in every way imaginable across the waves.
But at last dawn seemed to be breaking, and the skies clearing. New sprouts of growth from the decimated landscape. Some old remembered feeling called Hope beginning to wriggle free from the mudpit that was despair. Maybe, just maybe, things were getting better. One foot in front of the other, a few miles actually made. Progress. I might actually live through this.
And then, and then…. Some trigger. The one somebody pulled to shoot you through the heart, one more time. Then and only then did I find out about RECYCLING. The OTHER Recycling. Too hell with the beer cans, we’re talking about another round of darkness and head slamming. No, not again. I can’t be feeling THIS again. I’ve been here, I’ve done this. I thought this part was over. One step forward you say? And two more back, sliding into the mudpit, AGAIN? This is not fair. It’s cruel, and I should be better than this. I’m smarter than this, aren’t I? Wasn’t I? Haven’t I been doing all the right things? Haven’t I stayed No Contact? Haven’t I kept positive thoughts? Haven’t I stayed out of his head? Haven’t I said “It Doesn’t Matter” one hundred thousand times? Then Why, WHY, am I back in the station again, somehow having bought another ticket on the train to nowhere?
And who knows why. The eclipse? Drought or humidity? The wrong song on the radio at the wrong time? Being human? No matter, it’s time to RECYCLE. Whoopee. I’ll never look at recycling bins in the same way again. One of these days it’s going to be something that makes me smile. One of these days when I toss a can into properly labeled container, I’ll just be properly disposing of something I’m done with. And really, isn’t that an apt analogy for what we need to be doing with these no longer functioning parts of our lives?
Recyling, yeah. You know what? It’s time to TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE. Recycle away. I hear the trash truck coming now, and it’s a new day.
mattea,
the gym sounds good. try at least 45 minutes of cardio a day if you can do it! also, write a bunch of letters about how angry you are but don’t send them…get that psychic energy out of you where it won’t make you suffer…
Anna,
All therapists aren’t created equal. What I did was call four on the list and interview them…You want an excellent match if you’re going to shell out the $$…
Ah! And I recommend drinking a lot of chamomile tea…it’s a very mild calming tea.
Seeif, it took a while to digest, but your posting about the dance of “love addiction” echoed through my dreams last night as I was sleeping. And I realize that I played the codependent role in that with my ex. I’m interested in hearing about the strategies you’ve used to ‘fill up the emptiness’ and make yourself *not* the person that would be lured by that kind of seduction and intenseness.
And back to our sleep discussion, I’ve had two good nights (mornings it is, in a row). The key affirmation here for me has been:
“He was bad for me, so I kicked him out of my life, and that’s a good thing”
(because he wanted to remain friends, and I went NC forever )
When I wake up early, that’s what I say to myself. I think it’s because I’m still having withdrawal pains- also, I need to work more on ‘filling up the vacuum’ and affirming what I *do* want for myself.
For those who didn’t choose it, it could still work like this:
“S/he was bad for me, so it’s a really good thing s/he’s out of my life”
One other thing that helped earlier on and is helpful now, is to imagine/visualize *being over it and on the other side where you feel peaceful*. It’s a tremendous relief to go there even for a few seconds.
Serenity,
Congratulations on the two days of sleep! I suffer from morning insomnia. Before all this started I used a melatonin oral spray that I got from a naturopath who was treating me for other things. I need to buy some more.
What strategies do I use, am I using to fill up the emptiness? That’s a good question.
Well, I’ve been going to a 12 step recovery group, for friends and relatives of alcoholics: people who are not the alcoholic but who have issues of codependence unrelated to the alcoholic. That’s the main thing. Being a part of a community where I can share my feelings, including feelings of grief, has been vital. (Susan has posted somewhere about how 12 step works.)
Since 12 step recovery is big on keeping the focus on yourself, not the alcoholic, when I go to meetings I have a forum to do just that. The concept of acceptance is also big in 12 step. Accepting where you are. In the worst part of my withdrawal( which lasted about 4 months for me) I would go to meetings and just say, “I accept that I’m in pain,” or “I accept that I feel pissed,” or “lost”, whatever I was feeling. And even though it’s not ,directly, related to filling up my emptiness, that kind of acknowledgement — to others– helped me reconnect to my feelings and MY truths.
The meetings and program have allowed me to affirm my need for nurturance, emotionally and physically. Many who identify themselves as codependent, i.e., giving more time and attention to others’ needs and desires than their own, have trouble recognizing basic needs, like the need for daily nurturance. People in 12 step meeting offer hugs often after meetings, so I made sure I got those, there, or from my friends. I spent time with people who appreciate me and could tell me how.
I reached out to others: asked for help: a thing some of us codependents find hard to do. (But are doing here at GPYP.)
The thrice weekly 12 step meetings have been my foundation for reestablishing myself as myself, and as a single person, again– someone who is unpartnered.
But the most important way I have filled up myself is by doing some kind of creative work EVERY DAY. I paint, draw, do assemblages, doodle sometimes anything that taps into my imagination. It’s the thing that makes me feel alive. I make sure I do it everyday same as eating, sleeping, brushing my teeth.
When I’m doing art or creative stuff I AM in the moment and feel connected to myself. I feel excited in ways I seldom did with my ex, although I think I looked to him and the relationship for that excitement.
Making art, doing creative work is my life force. For others it may be crunching numbers, running track, or teaching…for me it’s creating something out of my imagination that fills me up, ultimately.
I put this on the back burner when I was with him. But it wasn’t he who did this, it was my illness, my codependent distorted thinking: the need to become whatever he needed to be, to forget about myself. It was the failure-to-thrive gear that I had shifted into in every close, or potentially close, relationship.
As far as not being drawn back into the dance of love addiction by a seductive/witholder, well I think when I’m doing all the above, I’m whole. I’m neither ATTRACTED nor ATTRACTIVE to someone like that.
When I’m filled up by who I AM, what I love to do, well, I go into remission from my own love addiction;and, a seductive/witholder addict isn’t getting any vibe from me, to zero in on.
Finally, all of this is about what I have focused on, in my recovery from love addiction….I check in with myself…daily… to see if what I’m feeling and seeing is based on reality. Or fantasy.
Fantasy is the crux of love addiction: both people projecting their fantasies onto to one another, but never really seeing the other person..who that person is. That was true for me, at least.
For that reason, I do a lot, a lot of observing: of what I’m doing, of what I say I want to do, and what I feel. And I pay attention to the same in others. I pay attention to whether I’m living according to MY values.
I fill up the emptiness with the minute by minute living in REALITY. A reality that is true for me. Oh, and I trust myself, my instincts, my intuition when they tell me something is RIGHT or NOT RIGHT.
These are some of my strategies for feeling whole and being in recovery from love addiction and codependence.
I don’t know if this answers your questions.
Thanks for asking. What strategies would you or do you use?
Seeif,
Thanks for the awesome post. I have been impressed by your creativity already in the Six Words postings.
During some of the worst parts of my early breakup period, an even more strong seducer homed in on me. I’m fortunate to say that while getting a tiny bit involved, I knew there was something weird going on. So I didn’t do the dance again. But now I know what the heck was going on. I didn’t realize love addiction was a couples dance.
Although I thought I had learned enough about love addiction, I hadn’t read any complete books, so your posting was illuminating. I think that I have to read that book, and start to understand what part I played in that dance. Hopefully, some of the work I’ve started with affirmations, goal setting, and turning myself into my number one priority will head off me joining the dance again with anyone. I’m liking how during the day, in response to some negative or unnoticed thoughts, some of my affirmations will just pop into my head.
I love that you’re enjoying your creativity and it’s making your life so much fuller. I have a gigantic painting with the background only finished hanging on my wall. I started it when I was really happy, right before things bit the dust. I have to re-do the background (LOL I didn’t realize you shouldn’t add black paint to blue to darken it- it turns black). I need to make the background *bright and light and hopeful*!
So I’m continuing to be able to go back to sleep pretty easily (a streak, yay) when I wake up early in the morning. Here are the techniques I’ve used:
- calling on spriritual help (guardian angel- for those new agey ‘Ask Your Guides’ is good (it’s a little out there, but I’m open-minded)
- Calcium-Magnesium liquid (has a relaxing, calming effect- much better than warm milk)
- chamomile tea and hot baths (I did this when I woke up super early in the morning and couldn’t go to sleep)
- Sedalia by Boiron (homeopathic stuff is good for those difficult nights- and I’ve read there are some concerns about melatonin- you can find homeopathic medicine in most health stores)
- Affirmations that I’ll say to myself when I wake up (especially heading off addictive thoughts with some of my habit-breaking thoughts like: “he was toxic, so it’s good he’s out of my life”)
- Remembering the community here that is so supportive (like Seeif)
- Reading some of Susan’s blogs before I go to sleep (printed out and highlighted next to my bed)
Thank you all for sharing your stories. I am 2 months into a break up and having a difficult time dealing with it. I serendipitously found this site and it has kept me sane! So thank you thank you thank you.
Serenity,
Thanks for your post. I’ve enjoyed your Six Words posts, as well. I just started painting so I laughed about adding black to blue making it more black. The important thing is YOU’RE painting.
I’ve been reading and saying some of the affirmations from Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain. It was first published in the late 70s but it’s been reissued and available online.
Here are some of the affirmations I like:
I am rich in consciousness and manifestation.
I have all the love I need within my own heart.
The light within me is creating miracles in my life, here and now…
and I am now attracting loving, satisfying, happy relationships into my life.
May you have all the sleep you desire, Serenity.
Take care.
Anne, welcome. This site and the posts kept me sane, too. I was affirmed in feeling my feelings: the anger and the sadness. And guided in my grief, and informed about how grief works. And now how to feel even better than I felt before my break up.
Seeif
Dear Susan,
Unfortunately, I cannot attend any of your seminars in New York City at this time. I am however interested in buying the audio best relating to “The Emotions of Grief During a Breakup”. I don’t know which audio or audios that cover this topic fully. Can you tell me exactly what title or titles to look for from the topics section or would that be all of them. I also saw the original GPYP, as well as the GPYP Plus. Would this be the same thing? Also, I saw your “you tube” video on your site today. You indicated that the seminars discuss our defense mechanisms and what to expect when we hear one thing on the outside and how we are going to feel on the inside. Is there an audio which covers this as well? I’m going to start jogging again very soon which is something I used to enjoy doing at one time. In the interim, however, I’m going to start with walking and I believe these audios would be very beneficial for my walks. Thanks so much.
I know you have an extremely busy schedule, but do you have any seminars scheduled in Buffalo, New York?
Seeif, good wishes back to you for a deep sleep from night to morning.
Seeif, you might really like Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life”. It starts out with really good chapters on self-love. Here is a chapter opener (chapter 9):
“In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect,
whole and complete. My life is ever new.
Each moment of my life is new and fresh and vital.
I use my affirmative thinking to create exactly what I want.
This is a new day. I am a new me.
I think differently. I speak differently. I act differently.
Others treat me differently.
My new world is a reflection of my new thinking.
It is a joy and a delight to plant new seeds,
for I know these seeds will become my new experiences.
All is well in my world.
I have Gawain’s book in my collection somewhere too…
On Recycling (too!)
(I love this site, by the way. It keeps me slightly on the sane side.)
I’ve hit another recycling phase and it came without warning. For months, I’ve been seeing a counselor, doing massive meditations, obeying the NC rules, and trying to do what I needed to do.
It has been six months since we broke up, almost to the day. We only dated for about six months (go figure!). It was short, intense, and the breakup completely devastated me. My life literally fell apart and I ended up moving back in with my parents with my stuff in a storage rental unit.
My career almost imploded on top of me because I was so wrapped up in my grief. My job, as I know it, is going to change because my contract is not going to be renewed. It is not going to be renewed because I screwed up one too many times during the breakup. They just didn’t have enough to actually fire me over.
I wish that I could say that I was young and inexperienced, but I’m in my late 40’s. I’ve been married and divorced and have a few other relationships. This is the one that completely bowled me over in a way that has never happened before.
My ex and I had a long-distance relationship. We talked about moving to each other’s respective cities somehow. She found a job at a school in my city and actually got a job offer as a teacher. I got scared and retreated. She got scared and didn’t move. I didn’t move either. Subsequently, we broke up at the end of August.
Here comes the recycling bit…
Last week, I was at a meeting in town and this completely unknown woman came by my table to talk to someone else who was sitting there beside me. I was just being friendly and asked her where she worked. It turns out that this woman got the teaching job that my ex was supposed to get. She said that the principal had called her at the last minute when another teacher (obviously my ex) suddenly declined the job. (It was the same school, same principal, and exact same job.)
Talk about a jolt!!
You know, there is a major difference between hearing a song that reminds you of your past, or passing by a place that you used to go to together. Those things are hard to deal with. But, to have a complete stranger walk right up to you and slap you hard across the face like that, is entirely different.
I wish that I could say that this was a random incident, but so many very odd coincidences have happened since August that are directly tied to the breakup of that relationship, that I’ve literally lost count. In all my years (makes me sound like a really old guy), I’ve never seen a string of coincidences and connections that are directly tied to that relationship. Unfortunately, all these things have just kept the memories fresh in my mind.
What happened last week has sent me back into a tailspin as deep as I have experienced since around Thanksgiving. We had a great deal of unfinished emotional business as it all got cut off so quickly. I miss her terribly (something that has not diminished) and am tired of feeling this way. I am weary of things, like what occurred last week, happening to me.
She’s moved on. She didn’t dump me for somebody else — it was just a good old-fashioned rejection. Sometimes, I’ve wished that she had left me for someone else as it would somehow be more palatable. It would be easier to get angry about something like that. It would be easier for me to reject that rejector.
It just sucks. It really, really does.
JHSBB: Defense mechanisms are not yet on audio but if you download the entire GPYP program you will get the grief and loss. On the right side is a link to download it for $29.99.
When I was originally dumped for someone else, I was sad, devastated, couldn’t think straight, acted like a zombie in my everyday activities, etc. It’s now been three months and four days. I’m no longer really a zombie and starting to come out of hibernation, well sort of anyway. In addition to being sad and down most of the time, I’m now feeling rage and anger at my ex for finding someone else. We all deserve to be happy. I loved him more than anything in this world despite how many times I got hurt. If I love him so much, why don’t I want him to be happy in the end too? I don’t like these feelings of rage and anger and while I know I would never hit him, I feel like it. The sadness I can now deal with better than before, though it’s still there. I don’t want to be around anyone including my friends because everything makes me think of my ex. I don’t want to feel rage and anger, but I do now. What do I do now?
Susan, thank you. I’m going to download it now. I’ll get the defense mechanisms when they become available and I cannot wait to get your book.
Thank you.
JHSBB,
I don’t know about you, but I looked at my childhood and found an historical reason for that extra rage- I was ‘displaced’ as my mother’s number one when my twin siblings were born. I think that historical base is what I pulled into the present to fuel the rage. If there weren’t another girl, it wouldn’t have hit me so hard. And if my past didn’t set me up that way, it would have been betrayal, but much less of a deal.
Thinkingsc,
First, late 40s seems young to someone who is in her late 50s. However, as far as grief is concerned I don’t think age is really the issue. Or, it’s not for me. For me,
it’s more what the grief was about.
My relationship bears some similarities to yours: it was long-distance;it lasted 6 months;we broke up in August; and he’s moved on (to a new relationship.) We,too, planned to spend time together this fall and winter in the city where I live. He’s retired and had been wintering in my city for three years prior to our meeting each other.
We broke up shortly after I visited him for 2 weeks in his city. He was very depressed during my visit, and wouldn’t set a date for coming to my city for the winter. He said he felt too anxious to set a date. However, before I returned home we’d agreed that I’d visit him again in one month. After I returned home(to my city), after a week of talking on the phone daily, he became unreachable one night. This was uncharacteristic. And when I finally talked to him that night, he told me he thought I’d probably be worried(but he did it anyway.) Seeing this(his nonchalance) as a red flag, I suggested we not talk for a week and consider what we wanted. At the end of that I week I realized I couldn’t do the relationship anymore, for a few reasons. Mainly, I didn’t want a long-distance relationship — it was too stressful and disruptive, for me; second, I couldn’t accept his core values; third, my life had shrunk because of the things I’d stopped doing that were important to me. But I still loved him! And I liked and missed many things about him and us.
So when we talked at the end of that week, I told him those things. He said nothing about his own process but said he was “relieved” that “it” was over. But he still loved me.
We said we were going to remain friends but he didn’t call or contact me on my birthday, a week later; when, I called him two weeks after that he told me all the reasons why he wanted to break up with me; and, it was pretty much down hill from then on. He sent me two cards after that phone call telling me he was “glad” we were still talking, in one; then, in the other, telling me he neither wanted nor could be in a relationship–with anyone.
The blaming phone call along with his declaration about his not wanting a relationship sealed it for me. I swore — to myself– that I would never call him again. And I didn’t. I also didn’t contact him in any way. For three months.
During those three months I grieved: I went back and forth between feeling pain and anger, and pretty much thought about him everyday, I’d say. Then, I started working on an art project and felt I was getting more into my daily life. I felt the loss but I felt I was letting go.
Then… I got a Christmas card from him!
In the card he wished me seasons’ greetings and asked me if I had a new boyfriend. He was curious, he said, because HE had a new girlfriend. After telling me how they met and her age, he told me ” he was feeling really good” because of his new gf.
Well, getting this card was like someone slamming me against the wall. It didn’t matter that I had also rejected him, what mattered was HE HAD MOVED ON and was telling me he was feeling GOOD.
Suddenly, I was dealing with rejection,.. big, BIG, BIG time. Whatever grief I had lain to rest suddenly resurfaced and, gathering momentum, with all its new grief/rejection smashed into my fledgling life like a merciless tsunami
For the next month, it felt like I was treading water most of the time. I burrowed into my self-help books; talked, talked, talked, and talked some more: about grieving, about loss, about ANY feeling. I did this at 12 step meetings and with others who were going through their own grief or loss. And when I could, I added myself back into my life. A life that was based on a fantasy “we” became a reality “me.”
Shortly before Valentine’s day I completed an art project which involved mourning the relationship. It included photographs we’d taken of each other and of us together. I also included postcards he’d sent me at the beginning and toward the end. At times I thought, I can’t keep remembering these good times. But I had a hunch that this was a important: to transform the experience of being together then saying goodbye. The sculpture went to an art gallery where it was seen by dozens of people.
That seemed to be a turning point for me…in the recycling of the grief. And from that time I’ve been thinking and feeling more about my current life ,and what I want to do,
and less about how we were and how sad it had to end.
This is a very long post, but maybe you can relate to some of it.
It seems that grief, and the recycling of grief, is very personal. So even though people’s circumstances may be similar, how we experience grief can be very, very different.
Thanks for your post.
So the question is, what has to happen in our minds so that we don’t get thrown back so far, or perhaps don’t hardly care at all? I avoided a social event last weekend because an acquaintance of his would be there, and I know if I saw him he would ask me questions or tell me things. And I would have to deal with that. Where do we have to be so that we don’t care? Does our grief have to be more completed? Do we have to be much more full of our own lives?
That’s a good question, Serenity!
I think that we all try and avoid those things that will remind us of the immediate past including social gatherings, mutual acquaintances, etc. That is a natural reaction to experiencing such a loss.
It is when we get blind-sided in unexpected places by unexpected people that we cannot protect ourselves against it. My experience of having a total stranger deliver a blatant reminder to me almost goes beyond random chance. It is a long story, but I would not even have been in the meeting had I not broken up with my ex. I had to go to this particular training meeting because of my poor job performance, which was greatly caused by my emotional breakdown after my breakup.
My therapist calls it synchronicity. It has happened a great deal to me in the last six months and is really starting to wear me down.
I’ve wondered about that , too. I think the triggers that have been most difficult occurred when I least expected them. The ones that seemed to come from nowhere, or, at the least likely time. The ones that were unpredictable. It’s the unpredictabiliy that threw me off balance. So part of defending myself, (or preparing myself) against being sent into a tailspin is preparing for the triggers when they occur.
How do I do that? Well, I do it by imagining situations (that might occur). and how I might feel if they do? Then, I rehearse the feeling, e.g., the pain, I might feel. I run it by myself, sort of. And decide whether I can handle it. (This may seem weird but it’s been effective in a number of siutations, for example, with former employers or coworkers when I had to return to a former work place.) Testing the feeling keeps me from being surprised when the feeling arises.
In addition to imagining the feelings I might feel with a trigger, I imagine what I might say or do, i.e.,leave the premises or call a friend after it happens. I come up with several self-care plans: contingency plans to take of myself.
Mostly, I figure out ways to make me feel as safe as possible when I am triggered by seeing someone who reminds me of my ex. I prepare boundaries I might use in situations like that.
Creating safe plans to protect myself, in the event some trigger might threaten me back into grief, seems to work. By preparing in this way, I feel less vulnerable and more confident to deal with whatever may come my way.
Knowing I can take care of myself centers me. It allows me to walk with courage, rather than with fear, as I move through my life and through my grief.
Hi there… I’m sick at home today with flu like symptoms…. I was in Texas this past weekend visiting my girlfriend… I did push myself to go out and try to keep busy etc, but my head was only reeling with thoughts from my ex’s betrayal, the hurt etc. I feel my immunity went down and I fell sick coz of my mental state….so..couldn’t go to work today and I feel awful that this has become something I’m trying to fight so much and get out of.
I journalled for about 3-4 hours this past weekend…hoping the cycling thoughts in my mind would alleviate or become less, but after I’ve fallen sick, I just think lying in bed.
I have so much anger in me that he’s able to move on so much (because he had silently stopped feelings for me, but strung me along) and I’m left here not even able to lead a normal daily life let alone jump into bed with someone else…geez.
Just needed to vent guys… thanks for your awesome posts… hope we’ll all be better soon. Good luck for progress…
Anna, remember-
YOU ARE YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY!
Also, give yourself a little break and make some new synapses in your brain- take a moment and visualize yourself completely over it and back to feeling relaxed and happy. It’s one thing that gave me some peace when I was where you are.
Thanks Serenity, right now I’m just recycling sooo much I can’t tell you. I feel awful…like the 3 weeks I stayed NC was of no use… I guess it’s coz the realities from the last talk with the ex are all still reeling in my mind. I’ve been meditating, I’ve been journaling, I’ve been crying, talking to friends… feeling everything there is to feel.
I did find out that for a few more sessions I can see my therapist (somehow pull it through my budget)..so I meet her next week and plan to probably meet once in two weeks so that I can space the visits out and maximize the benefit.
I do feel terrible now… more coz of shock and disbelief that he could just go and cheat on me behind my back and his concious told him nothing…not to think of me, not to think of us , not to stop…nothing…. plus I also felt like he never even fought to save our reln etc… all those kind of thoughts are making me stuck… I gotto get out of being stuck! I read the blogs on deciding to move on etc… and yes, I want to get unstuck and move on and wish this wasn’t so much of a struggle.
I have still maintained NC so far….. but the hurt hasn’t dissipated… maybe it will take more time.
I was reading an article on rejection and found the following that I thought made sense:
Rejection:
Is rejection ever justified? In my opinion, this would be similar to asking if it is ever justified to blame, fault-find, or condemn. Rejection begins with and ends by identifying the faults in the other party. It never acknowledges the strengths, the untapped potential, or change-ability of the individual. It is not an expression of loyalty, and contributes nothing to a relationship except to absolve the person blaming from any responsibility to engage in problem solving or remain loyal.
==============
Thanks and take care.
I read that a lot of people are still struggling with their break up of the relationship. Reflecting back I am now noticing that a lot of my greiving is also coming from a sense of hopelessness. This was a difficult line to draw for myself, and I think in regards to my ex, that I am over her in particular. What I am not over is the fantasy that is permanently ended, the fact that my current situation is NOT better than it was before, that the possibility to meet someone while no longer being in college is hard for me, that basically all the odds are stacked against me and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. It is very frustrating, and even after 1 month so far of NC, I still wake up sometimes in the morning full of anxiety over it.
Michael, I feel your pain but you need to get some perspective. You are fairly young, correct? I think from your other posts I remember you being in your late 20’s? I am 49, have a child, divorced, and alot of other people on this blog are older than that and starting over again. No one is saying it will be easy, but the odds are NOT stacked against you. If anything, the odds for you having a new and BETTER and more successful relationship are in your favor, now that you’ve done the work and know so much more than you did before. I understand that you feel hopeless sometimes and don’t want to think about how much more work it might be to get out there and meet people now that you aren’t thrown into it like in college, but please, don’t lose perspective. I know that at my age, with my “baggage” its not going to be EASY, most people my age are either married or divorced and the guys my age all want girls 5-10 yrs younger than them (hmmm)… but I have to have hope that I will meet someone at some point. I think when you are ready and willing to make the effort to put yourself out there (join groups, volunteer, on-line dating?) you will know it and it won’t seem so hopeless. I know I’m not ready to get back out there, but I read posts like Kathys and others and see how it IS possible, and it gives me hope. Don’t give up!! Hope is so necessary to moving forward….Stay strong, you’ve come so far….
Mona-
Thanks for your post. Yes, I am 23, going to be 24 this year. I think that I have a very negative outlook on life, or maybe it is just more of a despair, I’m not really sure. I agree that with me being younger that it allows me to be able to understand and learn from my mistakes, esp. at such a young age. I think I also have a tendency to blow things out of proportion, so when issues arise, they may or may not be worse than what I actually percieve them to be. I have to remind myself this from time to time. Thanks again for your post, it is what I needed to hear.
Michael, I know what you mean about hopelessness making you feel worse and recycle. After you figure out your relationship inventory, figure out what a good partner’s qualities will be. There are probably thousands of women out there who will fit those qualities (internal values qualities) and someday in your future, when you feel whole and strong, you will be able to have a much much better relationship than the one you are still getting over.
I work *hard* to try to stay positive- and it is somewhat helping to combat the pain.
Re-read Susan’s post about Don’t Give Up Before The Miracle Happens.
Michael and Mona,
It is hard sometimes to not slip back into pessimistic thinking. I think I’m out of the “deep emotions” phase of grief, but I lapse into sadness, as I did today about the twarted hope of building a relationship with someone, my ex. Today is the anniversary of our first meeting. It was so shiny and new.
I know now we were incompatible but I still remember the good times. And its hard because I miss those times. I miss the good times I had with him.
It’s also hard to imagine, not so much meeting someone new (although as a 57-yr.-old
woman I may be delusional thinking I can), but investing that kind of emotional energy in a new relationship.
For now, I am focusing on other dreams, and pretty excited about those. I do believe visualizing what I desire is the key for me.
Michael, just know, that what you’re feeling WILL PASS.
Thanks for your positive post, Mona. I needed to read it, too.
Anna, think about all the reasons that you might re-ject that ex. Remembering my ex’s negative traits (pretty many) instead of some of the nice qualities he might have has helped me keep my affirmation about “filling my life with positive people” exclude *him*. Ha!
Today I was saying this affirmation a lot, “I have moved on now, because I value myself and I’m keeping my life positive” (ahem, even though I’m not quite to the first one yet)
Seeif, you are such an interesting, smart, reflective and creative person! It is no delusion that when you feel whole and ready, there will be an interesting and cool partner!
Thanks, Serenity, for your vote of confidence(and all the nice things you said). I am really excited about the prospect of doing something with art — like making a living from it. Sometimes I wonder if the measure of a successful life is about partnering with someone: building a relationship of love and trust with one special person. It seems to be what most people here are hoping for. Sometimes it’s not that important to me… but then I think that may be because I haven’t found a person I can do that with yet. I do want to love and be loved, but I wonder: is it all about doing it with one person? I don’t know…I just don’t know.
What I do know is :there have been a lot of “moments” between when it ended with my ex, and now. Moments of my life that neither he nor any other “special” person was in. But, ya know I’ve had some really, really good, powerful, meaningful, fun, AND happy moments these last 6 months. And moments of my life will keep ticking away, whether I’m with someone or not…and I want to make the most them. I believe can.
On a another note…Spring is a sucky time to have to grieve. If only we could choose the seasons for our grieving.
To us all, we’re here, we’re alive…we’re kicking…hooray, hooray for us all!
Serenity,
Thanks for your note. I don’t know what is holding me back from making a relationship inventory… what am I afraid of to list down whether good or bad… but till now I’ve never made one :( Seems like I’m afraid I won’t have too many negative points?? but there has to be… I don’t know
That is a very positive affirmation. I have listed down a few generic positive phrases I want to start with and then will get more specific.
I also don’t understand after all this grieving why I’m so stuck on ‘how/why could he do this’, ‘how he can say a and do b’ etc… i just don’t understand it… and I know I never will… but just being stuck like this hurts alot. I gotto do something different….something…
Seeif,
I’m glad you were able to have ‘moments’ in the past 6 months and you’re right..it didn’t matter whether you were with someone or not… but they were ‘your’ moments and I’m glad you’re making the most of them.
Good luck for all your new ventures….and thanks for the cheers!
Anna I am 8 months on but still do a lot of ‘why’ ‘how’ and re-live the last awful communication I had from him, when after he dumped me in the most foul way possible – for someone he worked with – lied and deleted me and my son with whom he had a close bond… then 6 months later asked ME not to contact him again (after an email I sent)
BUT I know.. that the positive people and things have come into my life since he left and that I am damned sure I won’t be going back to the old days any time soon..
Yes, I miss him and YES I think about him every day.. but its fading.. like looking in a rear view mirror and seeing the road behind dwindle..
I will never forget how he treated me and the cruel things he said and did.. Maybe he’s happier too, with his new love, I do think of that and say internally “so be it”
BUT I know for me, life is so much richer and I have realised my dreams, or am in the process of realising them.
Take heart…
I wrote all the bad things he did to me.. all his bad qualities
all the nice good things I was for him and all my good qualities
somehow the two lists didn’t match
Do the same and know your worth
Abbyx
Anna,
I really recommend downloading Susan’s affirmation audio before you start trying to make affirmations. She makes some really good recommendations about how to form them so that your subconscious can make sense of them and provoke real action.
Here’s two affirmations I really need in this craziness time where I feel like I’m just falling apart sometimes:
I am safe because I’m protecting myself.
I am OK because I’m resilient.
I have to do these a lot all through the day because I’m recycling through some of the worse feelings…
It has been refreshing to read this post along with these replies. My g/f of 2 1/2 years felt that we were going in two different directions (Hers-Career ; Mine-Wanting a family) and decided to break it off almost two weeks ago now. I have to say that I am extremely upset as this was my one real love and the fact that we were planning on getting engaged this spring and married next year. I felt over the month prior to this that something was wrong but because she was traveling constantly for job interviews that she was just consumed by that. She has now taken a teaching position in New York and yet I still catch myself thinking it can work out even though I know that it probably can’t. I wont lie, I still love her and I’m sure she feels the same but I guess in God’s plan for us now isn’t the time. I guess I just wanted to vent a little bit and see if anyone could me a little bit of insight. It always seems to help me no matter how small!
Thanks and God Bless!
Thank you Serenity for all this help. I will download the affirmations soon. Thanks!
[...] That would be HERE. [...]
I can definitely say that this post has truly helped me, yet, like many people I am still feeling pain. My pain though is starting to revolve less around the actual break up seen; which was an extreme surprise to me since she seemed so happy and we both seemed so happy. She told me that the “spark” that made us a relationship was starting to go away and we were becoming “really good friends.” We hadn’t seen each other AS much for about a week and a half yet I did not think that could be reasopn for a break up. The break up happened on a tuesday, this being my first unexpected break up (15 years old), I did not know I would be feeling these “temptations.” I talked to her the next day and we talked for a good hour about how we could work things our and how we could have communicated instead. I said to her “Im sure you talked about this to all your girlfriends” and she shook her head yes and I said “well that’s fine and all, but one thing that might have been able to save this is if you had talked to me as well about this.” This was just one part of the conversations, but we seemed to really connect during the hour talk and she said that I really made a lot of sense. She later said towards the end of our conversation that i definitely gave her a lot to think about. She also said that she thought I was on the same page and that I wanted to break up too. I told her that she was on page 40 and I was on page 2 (obviously jokingly saying that I was on a totally different page than her). Towards the end of her conversation she told me “well, I kinda regretted it.” My best friend must have seen me talking to her and asked her about it in another period class after lunch (where the conversation happened). She told him she had a lot to think about. The next day she did not come to school. The day after that she did come to school, we didnt really talk at all during lunch, the occasional “hey did you do this in this period” and so on, but it seemed like she was trying not talk to me specifically much. After that we all went to get our bkacpacks and stuff so that we were ready to go back to class. I started talking to her again and was talking mildely quickly and started off with something like (paraphrasing for I don’t remember exactly most likely due to stress) “hey i dont want to make this keep on continuing.” A security gaurd came and told me and her to “go to class” so i asked her if i could walk her to class, she said yes. About 2 minutes later while walking i said “I dont know if this was due to the friend spark or you liking another boy or…” I write the dots because she stopped and was shocked that i would think she liked another guy. She looked away looking as if she wanted to hold in her tears while walking then a efew minutes later she said that she thought it was really rude that I could think she liked another guy because she “still really cared about me a lot.” I don’t understand how she couldn’t think that I would think that because on friday (day i talked to her again) and now she is being extremely flirtacious with lots of guys. Unfortunately, her friends are my friends and vise versa so she is being flirtacious with my friends and she hangs out i the groups that I hang out in. What I guess is truly bothering me is that I feel as if we made a true and real connection again the day after the break up, but then i feel as if I had jeapordized it on friday. Many people (therapists, parents, family) tell me that I have not jeapordized it and I shouldn’t worry. Yet I’m trying to truly say to myself now that is is “over.” I understand that her clock is different than my clock and maybe she does need time for a problem I feel like never should have been a break up situation. Another thing is that now at lunch when i hear her voice or see her, i get extremely sick and my anxiety and sadness maes me go to the bathrook and become, for better words, “physically ill.” I do want everything to go back to nornal, yet seeing her being flirtacious makes me go insane inside. I do not show that though, and now I have stopped talking about it with her and don’t show that im affected by her being flirtacious. This problem has been eating away at me for a week now…yet ive heard the things that are eating at me can help me survive. I’m doing a little better, but I still truly need help. The large talk I had with her after the break up where I THOUGHT i had saved the relationship, two days later where we really didn’t talk until the end where I thought I jeaporidezed it (yet she didn’t have to say she really cared about me still, which im glad she said in the case i guess), and the now ignoring and not really paying attention to what I say…all of this is still making me sick. She broke up with me yet she cried the day she broke up and was crying like all day, really crying a lot. I really don’t know what to even think, I guess I mentally prepared myself for the break up to happen since I knew Im only in high school…but the pain is ripping me apart. A lot of you seem to be going through pain too, and when i was reading the post my Susan and all the posts by everyone else, I really feel as if I can gtet some good advice that can build on top of the adive that my therapist, school counselor, and parents/family/friends have been telling me. Thank you everyone and I hope only the best.
Just an edit, the relationship lasted from the beginning of November until the beginning of March.
Thanks. All of your posts have made me feel that I am not alone and that things will get better. I know we all will.
Thank you so much. It’s comforting to know that these tears are not irrational, this pain is not in vain, and my feelings aren’t melodrama.
I can only hope that one day, these painful, torturous emotions will subside and I will find happiness.
My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years called a “break” in our relationship yesterday. Though I’d felt it coming, it still hurt very much – but I felt strangely proud of her for having the guts to speak her mind honestly. I don’t know what a “break” means if it isn’t a break-up, though. I’m confused and I miss her, but I’ve decided NOT to call her or contact her for awhile. We’ll have to talk eventually, as she has stuff at my place. There are details still to be worked out.
I’d felt for a long time that maybe we weren’t meant to be together forever, but I kept hoping against my gut feelings that things would change and it could work. I really do love her, and I believe she loves me very much, too. But we have a lot of differences. I’m a more solitary person. I’m a writer and artist, and I spend a lot of time alone doing my work. At first, she seemed to understand this, but she quickly became constantly upset that I wasn’t giving her enough attention. My response was that it is good for everyone to have something – a hobby or interest – that they love to do, and can do to keep themselves occupied and engaged, no matter if they’re in a relationship or not. I still believe this is true, but it now makes me wonder if I’ll ever find someone who shares and practices this idea themselves. That is, if she and I do not get back together.
I thought she was too needy. Suddenly, she’s changed, and apparently doesn’t need me right now. It was a bit of a shock, and though I know it’s a good thing for her, and ultimately for us, together or apart, I’m still going through those self-contradictory feelings of, “if this is what I wanted, why do I feel so bad?” But now I know that’s a normal feeling, and I’m not crazy.
I just want to tell all of you out there who are going through things so much worse than I am that you WILL get through it.
Don’t give up. Don’t beat yourselves down for the times that you stumble, or for not getting over it all fast enough. It takes time. No one can tell you exactly how long it will take. If you are patient and kind to yourself, you can become your true self again in ways that you can’t imagine now, and you will thank God that you went through the hurt for the insights and joy you will gain from reconnecting to yourself again. Trust me, it’s true.
This is a TRUE story of something that happened to me a while back:
I went through a very bad breakup about eight years ago, long before I’d met the girl who semi-dumped me yesterday. We were together for three years, and I was very attached to her. I would say I was madly in love with her, but I discovered after the fact that she was not at all who I’d hoped she was…strange, isn’t it…?
But anyway, we moved in together after about 2 and three quarters of those years, and the shit hit the fan pretty quickly. She started to get very demanding, then started avoiding me. It was supposed to be the beginning of our life together, at last, but it was just the beginning of the end. I knew something was up but she insisted everything was fine, but would then say she was going out with friends, and I couldn’t come along, or she was staying late at work, etc… I became so paranoid and obsessed that I followed her around secretly, hoping to get the truth.
It didn’t take long before I had it – she told me she was going to her parents’ house one night, and I followed her to an apartment about five miles from our own. I paced outside the unit I knew she was in – I’d found a scrap of paper on the bedroom floor of our place with this exact address on it, but no name. Instinct had told me to put it in my pocket. I found out later that a guy from her work lived there. That night, though, I didn’t know WHO she was in there with, but I knew it wasn’t her parents, and my imagination was going wild. I knew instinctively she was in bed with another man, and I was planning to knock the door down to confront her and whoever she was with. I am not nor have I ever been a violent person at all, but this one time I was actually planning to let my rage speak for me, something I’d never done before. I was that out of my mind with jealousy. To be really honest, I think the macho fantasy of just kicking the guy’s ass and shaming her was just that, a fantasy. I probably would’ve just caused a scene by yelling, and then crying, but at least I would’ve had the truth confirmed.
But then, something that, in retrospect, seems pretty miraculous happened – one of the neighbors of this guy saw me, a stranger, lurking out in the darkness. Instead of calling the police, he opened his door and asked me if I needed any help. I broke down and told him my whole story, why I was there, that my girlfriend was right this very second in the apartment two doors down from his with another man. He listened. He made me a cup of tea to calm my nerves. Then he told me his own story, which wasn’t so different from my own. How he’d been so in love with a girl, was going to marry her, then found out she was cheating on him with his best friend. He was devastated, he told me; he’d wanted first to kill his friend, then to kill himself. He was going to hang himself in the garage of the house that he’d shared with this woman he thought had loved him as much as he’d loved her. But the night he was going to do it, he realized that nothing was worse than taking his own life. He realized he couldn’t betray himself just because he’d been betrayed, and that he didn’t want his own life to end – he just wanted THIS PART of it to end – the pain and suffering. And he could end that without ending EVERYTHING.
So, he got away from her. He started his own life again. It was hard, he told me, but it got easier, with time.
His story calmed me, and I thanked him. He had helped me decide to move on, right then and there. I still hurt, but I knew I had to do everything I could to get on with things. We’d been talking on his porch the whole time, we’d talked for at least an hour, and by the end of it I had stopped looking over to the windows of the apartment my girlfriend was in. I thanked him for the tea, and as I gave him back his cup, a woman came out of a room inside his apartment. He talked to her briefly, then turned back to me.
“That’s my wife. I met her after the girl I told you about, and we have a son together. So you see, just let it go, man. Things have a way of working out.”
I went home. I didn’t sleep much, but the next day, I confronted her. I got the truth, and within a week, I’d found another apartment. It was still hard for a long time, but I got over her.
I’ve never forgotten that guy.
Now, we’ll see what tomorrow brings. I bet it will be just a little bit easier than today.
2 days and the tears won’t come… Just not able to feel anythingno smiling, no crying people talk and I can’t even hear – how does one access the neccessary emotions?
Carol: trust the process. It will come.
I moved to a new town, and lost my car to a semi the same day. I moved to be closer to my financee. A month before we were to wed he breaks up with me. He’s become hostile towards me (we go to the same church) and has shown off his new girls, and seems out to get me. I really wish I knew the real reason he broke up with me because what he said made no sense, esp. this close to marrying me! It’s been over 3 weeks and most of the time I can be good, but sometimes even knowing he started acting like a jerk to me– I miss him. I feel used and like I can’t trust anyone again. He was my first love. How do you get to trusting people again? I’m trying to date now, but I just– want the pain to go away. If nothing else I miss joking with him, but he can’t, and so we can’t just treat each other like people. I’ve gone through the cycles and my body just seems to shake uncontrollably when anything reminds me of him, or I talk about the relationship at all.
Thank you for this article, I wish I had read it sooner, then I would have not had made so many mistakes. I just thought he’d want me back, if for no other reason than he’s still attracted to me.
Lori,
Why would you want him back? He broke up with you and started parading other girls
in front of you at church? Sounds like a weasel to me.
It won’t help to focus on WHY. You will never get closure if you go that route.
You get closure from letting go. Go to church at a different time or find a new
place to worship. No Contact is the first step to letting go of an ex who
hurt you.
Keep reading Susan’s posts. You will find your way!
Helas, what a beautiful story! Thanks for sharing. You keep me optimistic!
Helas,
I just now had time to read your whole post. It really touched me. I relate to what you
went through and what that man who helped you went through. I had a dark night
a couple of weeks after a breakup that happened more than a year ago. I had to call
a friend just to talk to someone because I was afraid of my despair. I was so very sad and
tired of living. But I, too, decided that I couldn’t give up on me for ANY reason. There
was no way I was ever going to leave my kids voluntarily. But there was that dark, difficult
moment when a whole lot of sadness and exhaustion from hard times tried to get the
better of me. I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and started over once again.
Love came knocking again months later and I took the chance. I’m glad I did. I
couldn’t have if I had not learned that I was always going to be ok no matter what.
I still know that. Knowing that makes all the difference. “Never give up the day before
the miracle happens”, says Susan.
Helas,
Good luck with your semi-breakup situation. Limbo can be trying. Take good
care of yourself.
It’s not something my mind can fully grasp and comprehend that this man I loved so much and seemed to love me too, could do this and that it really is over.
There are times when the reasonable logical part of me knows that he’s a jerk, but there is that nagging thing that he’s just doing it because he’s hurting.
Some days I feel like I can move on, and others I just want to do whatever it would take to make the pain stop.
I have read the post and I have read about half of the comments. I do thank Susan for expressing what I feel and what I need as well. My relationship of 5 years has been over for 3 weeks now. The last year of the relationship was bad. Throughout 5 years, we fought. Because of my and his insecurities, his failures in career, my low self-esteem etc etc. So many fights came upto breaking point, but didn’t break us then. But this fight, more like an ongoing war, broke us.
Every time I told him what I needed from him. Be more expressive as I need to hear words. Both of us were Indians staying in US for studies. We came to US the same year, but got together about 1.5 years after that. Being away from family was taking a toll on me. There was no friend to speak my language. I had devoted my whole attention to my boyfriend by then. So I was feeling torn between 2 worlds: my family and him. I just wanted some connection between the 2 worlds. So I wanted him to learn my language. But he outright refused to learn my language. It became a sore point in our relationship. He wasn’t even going to try to learn it even though it meant so much to me. He also didn’t like that I had expectations of him. Reading some of the posts, now I realize, some of them were too much for anyone. Is it really wrong of me to expect above things of him? Granted, I was sometimes needy and learned the concept of giving space in a hard way. But really, what’s so wrong of me to expect him to be a bit more expressive? His work came always first. Whether I am having some problem, whether we are fighting, he would drop things just like that and go to work. Shouldn’t he at least make some time to fight it out?
But the worst was when I was going through major depression. My studies were going really bad and in relationship, I was feeling quite ignored. I made a suicidal gesture – tried to choke myself. Without any conviction. Just to vent out, feeling completely goner. He was sleeping in my house then. I woke him up to tell him what I just did. He looked at me contemptuouly and said “I have utter contempt for people who take this route. If this is your way of trying to get my attention, then it will not work.” I was shocked… I was hoping for at least a hug and some consoling words, not this at that moment. And I actually believed him.
Not until 2 years later, this surfaced and made me feel so worthless…. He didn’t even care enough for my life as he cared about his morals…. Am I wrong in thinking this? I am not proud of myself that I did this. But I feel he behaved wrongly then. Why didn’t he just hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok? Just some consolation?
And we still had some really good times after this incident. He never appologized. During our fights in last 4 months leading to break-up, I repeatedly confronted him about it. He said, he wouldn’t behave any other way.
I was a bitch sometimes. I was demanding too. But I was mostly scared of his anger. Hence I never confronted him right away on anything. Things would ferment then and go bad. I was a coward to call him on some things. But I love him. I still wish I was in his arms just feeling peaceful. Now I think, he didn’t really love me. Liked me, yes, but didn’t love me. I made compromises for him. Tried to curb my anger for his sake. Became so many things for him. Like I discovered I was a good masseuse since I started giving him massages. Looking at him, I learned to be comfortable in my skin which I wasn’t before. But now I realize, I have no footprint on his life. I didn’t make any difference in his life in 5 years. He blamed me for some of his shortcomings too. I now see, what a jerky thing it was to do. During last 4 months, I asked him so many times, did I even make any difference to him. Was I really worth at all to change? But his answer always is: I didn’t ask you to change, and I am not going to change for ANYBODY. What was I asking him to change? His rage, his inexpressive-ness (is that a word?), his indifference.
Oy… his indifference. Throughout these 5 years, I wished, he would tell me on his own that he DIDN’T like something about me. He DIDN’T want me to do some of the things. But nope. Neither there ever was any expectation of good things nor of changing bad things. I never even mattered to him to get angry by his own. He would definitely get angry if I confronted him about something, then his anger would be all defensive.
So indifferent… I can’t believe. We had good times. How can he be so indifferent?
Even then, in October ‘07, we tried to work out things. My status is US was expiring by the end of October, so I wanted to get married there and be in valid status. He refused. He said, no matter what, he wanted to get married in India, in front of his parents. I could have obtained a valid status on my own, but I Was taking a break from my career. And he sprang his decision on me rather suddenly. His point: just because you wanted to take a break, I am not going to punish my parents by depriving them of their son’s marriage. So we entered into long distance relatioship after October ‘07. Before leaving, he told me, it doesn’t matter whether we get married traditional way or court marriage, as long as we get married in front of his parent’s, it’s fine. In December, when I raised this again, he said, we have to get married traditional way because he thought his parents wouldn’t approve.
Now I am back in India, we have broke up, economy being bad, there aren’t many jobs. Especially now that I am physically out of US, I won’t even be considered for many valid jobs, even though I have a higher degree from Univ there. Once again, I was scarificed for his morals…There is nothing more important to him that his morals. And what morals they are… breaking a girl who loves him so much? Breaking the promise he gave me before I left? In May, when he was approaching end of his degree, I Was taking care of him so much. And he would always say, ‘once we move to job place, I am going to make you happy all the time!’ The first thing he does when we moved there, chuck me out of country for his parents. And he doesn’t even acknowledge that I am actually doing as per his wish. “What else would you have done, your status was expiring anyway.”
I am cycling through all the above emotions in Susan’t post…
I want him suffer so much, but he is not. He never bothered about anything too much. As they say: The pain is no in NOT BEING LOVED, but is in NOT BEING MISSED. I miss him terribly, I am angry at him so much, I am torn because of him, but he doesn’t even miss me…
For me, the road from I to We, me to us, my to our was natural and fast transition. He took a while to get there. A sore point for me at the beginning. Now the reverse road is so difficult. Every time I am telling something from the past to my friends or family, instinctively I start saying “We..” and consciously make it “I”. It literally feels like picking up my thrown away pieces and try to patch myself up. What a road to my wn self…
Lori,
So many of us have experienced something like what you describe. Someone
is mean or rejects us or hurts us and we overlook the hard cold facts
so we can find their hurting inner child and make it feel better so they will love us (or
love us again).
That’s called codependency. It’s unhealthy and it doesn’t work.
We’re not supposed to take care of someone so they won’t leave us. Real love
doesn’t work that way. It’s reciprocal between two healthy, available people
who give and receive equally and who have healed their OWN inner child
first. Caring for one another IS part of real love, but the reciprocal
part is key. Being healthy first (both people) is key.
Many of the books that Susan recommends are extremely helpful for
understanding all of this–and for changing ourselves (not the
other person). Try the Melody Beattie stuff and Women Who Love Too Much.
The titles may annoy you (or not), but the reading is helpful.
take care of YOU first, Lori.
Mayee,
Sounds like you to had to work pretty hard at that relationship. I think that can
make it harder to let go. When we put so much into it and it still doesn’t work,
it hurts and we don’t want to lose our investment, so to speak. But it’s not
supposed to be THAT hard in the ways you describe. Men who are available
and healthy are able to go from I to We just as quickly as women are. If you
are pulling a man into that kind of coupledom, it’s a losing proposition and
you have to ask yourself why you were willing to do that. The books I mentioned
to Lori above may also help you, although there are others, like Harriet Lerner’s
books (The Dance of Intimacy, for example), that you may find insightful.
Try not to focus on what he is or isn’t feeling. That’s another losing
proposition. Another “job” you are trying to do (trying to make him feel
something YOU think he should feel or that you WANT him to feel).
He has a right to his feelings just like anybody else, whether you like
them or not. I’ve been there and I did not like seeing this about myself.
But seeing it and changing it freed me from the craziness, the anger and the
indignity I was stuck in.
Reject the rejector, Mayee. Susan has a post about that–you can search
it on the right.
Take care of yourself!
Kathy,
You are right, he has right to his feelings. But aren’t there ways to express the love? I get that his work is important thing for him. His advisor expected of everybody in their lab to work 7 days a week. And he did. And I am proud of him how much he evolved in his work. But I hoped once in a while he would stay with me, go to movie or something. Every couple-time was hampered by his burden of work. I ALWAYS felt guilty for keeping him from his work when I wanted him to spend time with me. Even when we fought, I used to think at the back of my mind that I am keeping him from his work. I used to think he would detest me for that. Once I made him stay at home with me. He got so bored that he flew into rage and broke our glass coffee table. I was shocked, disgusted, but first thing I did right then was to try and ask him what was so wrong. And he couldn’t ask me that even when I was thinking (and trying) to end my life? I don’t want his respect for this deed, but right then, right at that moment, why did he behave so cold, distant and contemptuous?
Trust me, I have gone NC on him since he called up to say enough is enough. So I am not making him feel anything now. But before… I just thought he behaved really wrong that night. Also he behaved wrong in chucking me out of country. And how can I not feel that he should understand what I went through because of it?
Reject the rejector you say. I know that, I have tried it with my previous bosses. Whenever they judged my performance without understanding situation completely, that’s what I told myself. “It’s not ALL my fault and I am not going to feel bad because of it”. But they were not in my mind, in my heart. It was easy to reject them. He is there. In my mind, I see him indifferent. Even my mind can’t reject him because it conjures up his reaction: indifference. It doesn’t matter to him whether I reject him or not.
I am trying to avoid talking about these things to friends. I feel that if I do that, they will be annoyed after a while. So far, I have been talking to just one friend and breaking down in front of her. But last time that had happened was mid-Feb, i.e. about 5 weeks back. She hasn’t contacted my much since. I fear I have driven her away. I talked to a couple of other friends. But only a couple of times and those were times separated by few weeks, and in between I had good times with them. I don’t want to overload anyone with my burden. As it is my mother hurts seeing how much I am hurting. Telling all these things to friends is the only option. But I don’t want to drive them away. So I am trying to write here.
Every time I wish to contact him or work it out again, I ask myself, what’s going to change? In the last most call I made to him, he told me in no uncertain terms -although he was a bit drunk then- that he wouldn’t change for ANYBODY and it doesn’t matter to him whether I keep calling him or not. And I stop wishing. I need to remind myself how hard it has been and and that it won’t change. Hence I need to write here.
Even my friends in US seem to have forgotten me… I feel so abandoned…. Just a bit of compassion is all I need….
Mayee,
I do feel compassion for you. I also see myself, my past self, in you, which is
why I reached out to you to say STOP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF. People (especially
Susan) did this for me and it made all the difference in my life.
I had to face the fact that I was trying to change someone into someone I wanted
them to be, believed they could be, but WERE NOT. If people want to change,
they change themselves. It doesn’t happen any other way. I had to face the fact
that by concentrating on HIM (my ex) and how I thought he should be, I was
ignoring changes I needed to make in myself. I was also ignoring all the ways
in which he was absolutely wrong for me as he was. Relationships like that
are about a struggle, something we are trying to “win” at, that usually has
something to do with unfinished, un-won, struggles in our past.
Keep reading and posting here. Read A LOT. Journal through stuff. Journaling
is a good way to unload all the thoughts and worries without driving everyone
around you crazy.
Friends DO get exhausted from our breakup stuff if we aren’t doing enough
to help ourselves or if we just want to be right and not really feel better
by stepping back and processing and allowing some of their insights
to sink in.
Be gentle with yourself and patient with the process of recovery. Look within.
Take breaks and have some fun again. Try to let go of the struggle you
have been trying to win and figure out what it was all about for you.
You can do it!
Mayee,
unfortunately the process takes time – but it will get better. It WILL! You have to forget him – he will not change and there will be someone who is right for you. One day someone else will come along and make you feel special. Yes, he is morally correct but relationships are not just about morals. But perhaps he’ll find someone who is moral like him and you’ll find someone affectionate who makes you feel special – a vital ingredient too.
I know you feel like a used shoe but you do have worth – someone will see it.
It hurts… sometimes it hurts so much… :(
All this I am going thru, even rebuilding, re-inventing because of him… But him? No. Hurts. I know, I understand what you are saying, but it doesn’t reach the feelings part of brain.
I feel so insulted… just booted out of my home that I was planning to make. Gosh.. What a thought… He isn’t right for me. He isn’t right for me?? How? Why? Don’t get me wrong. I do have fun lot of times. In a way, it’s good that I am back in India with many of my family members popping in once in a while. Feels good to reconnect with them. I even had a crush on a musician for about a day. But then everything crashes. And I do have morals. But shouldn’t there be a place and time when you need to put other things first? Is he going to behave this way with his children if God forbid something like this happens?
And usually friends would try and talk to both and get them understand each other’s views. Or if one of them behaves badly, ask them why so. He behaved so callously that night.. I hadn’t told my mum about my moment of shame. But after coming to India, I broke down after a fight and told her everything. But she didn’t feel the need to ask him why he played with her daughter’s life…. Sometimes I feel I am making a mountain out of molehill. I didn’t even have any real conviction. But what happened, happened. And I simply feel as if nobody would stand by me… ever…
I am weak. I have always been weak somewhat. But I became a stronger person, sometimes because of him (by fighting with him) and sometimes for him. I am still not strong. There is this need of some sort of nurturing, comfort that’s just not going away…
I am trying. Churning my whole person. Some of the nights I actually say some form of affirmations aloud. I am taking hobby classes, learning new computer language, writing to friends whom I hadn’t written to in a while, searching job. I am trying… And then it crashes… Like some people say here. Moment by moment, day by day, hanging here just for a golden ray. It’s not even dark, it’s just cloudy, my once clear mind, Is now just muddy. And all of the mud isn’t even his brought, I mixed some unnecessary tears; my insecurities, my complexes and my irrational fears. Now my tears are raining, will they wash this mud?
I’m sorry you are hurting, Mayee. I’m sending you a big hug and lots of
reassurance that this WILL NOT last forever. You are going to feel better
once you walk through this, the saddest part. HUGS to you!
Day by day, and know that mornings are the best – resign yourself to crap evenings! When you’ll want to call him, punch him, die etc. But each morning it gets a little better and then one day you’ll wake up and he won’t be your first thought. Tears are good. They speed up the process. And three weeks is a very short time to be apart. My last big break up it took about 4 months before I could stop seeing him in every crowd, restaurant, park, tree… You know everywhere! Big hug.
i found this site when i was trying to find some insight on coping with a breakup. this truly was a wonderful post on the stages of a breakup, and all the comments are extremely helpful. about 2 weeks ago, my boyf of 6 months told me he needed space and time to think about things but that he still loved me and hoped for a future. at first, this was difficult to process as i had not anticipated it. i went thru all the stages listed above, at this point i’m almost comfortable accepting that what happened happened, and that nobody is to blame for it.
one thing that worries me now is the way we left off– things at each other’s places, no closure. in my opinion, its not quite fair to ask for a “break” as it is an avoidance of the problem. its not fair to create false hope. has anyone been in this situation before? and if so, would you prefer to end things here and now so that are no strings left attached?
I guess my situation is a bit unique (and somewhat out of place) to this forum since I was the one who broke off the relationship. Just a few days ago I told my boyfriend of 2 months (I know its not long) that I didnt feel as strongly as him as he did about me. I didn’t want to hurt him even more by leading him on for longer. I “wasnt ready for a relationship” I told him, but I also stressed that it was NOTHING wrong with him, he was a perfect boyfriend in most senses.
Add another piece to the situation, I’d already broken up with him once (about a month ago) then felt terrible about it, thought it was a rash decision, and apologized to him for doing it. We got back together. My rational for breaking up with him the first time was that I was bored (“the chase” was more exciting than getting what I had gone after) and wanted more space. This time (a few days ago) I was bored, but I wanted a LOT more space and gave my decision to break up with him greater thought.
I underestimated how hurt he would be by the breakup (he didn’t say anything to me about being upset but I found out from a friend what he did to cope…) and that upset me. Now, several days later, I’m terribly confused. I think you would call this “searching” but I feel compelled to talk to him, to take a walk, to explain that I’m really confused and conflicted and I can’t tell if I want to be with him or not.
I just don’t know what to do. I can’t decide if I feel this urge to start the relationship again because I feel sympathy for him? Because I’m bored at the moment? I can’t decide, will I be bored with him once again? Will it be better? Do I really want a relationship?
COMPLETELY confused and indecisive!
Mayee, I have some understanding of Indian culture, so I hear what you say a little differently. In the end, though, it does sound as if you ducked a killing bullet. Your ex sounded like a workaholic- quite similar to an ex of mine from Sri Lanka. It also sounds as if you two couldn’t really communicate. As much as they might have good qualities, workaholics are using work to avoid other personal stuff of their own. And your life would continue to be like that, and that’s a lot of drama for a very long time…and your children would have suffered.
In the end, it comes to this- as Susan says in the blog about “Unequivocally Dumped”, if the person doesn’t think *you* are the person for them, then that person *certainly* isn’t the person for you. Staying together with a person who doesn’t really want you sounds like a kind of hell, doesn’t it? Who needs that bs?
I recommend that you start to be really really good to yourself. Treat yourself to some nice activities you like. Talk to yourself and compliment your good qualities. At the same time, figure out what’s going on with you- I’ve done the relationship and life inventories (they are posted here on the blog and they are excellent ways to start). Download all the mp3s. Isn’t it cool that you can be in India and still do that?
And tell yourself it DOESN’T MATTER. It doesn’t matter what the traditional people in your family think (tradition might have some nice picturesque qualities, but it’s also trapped a lot of people in horrible situations), it doesn’t matter what your ex thinks, it doesn’t matter what your friends think- It just matters what *you* think. But make sure your thinking is much more clear by doing your personal work on yourself. I think this will help you as it’s helped me. Also, if you have a spiritual practice, look to it to help you calm and soothe yourself.
You can work through this. You can find more equilibrium. If you do the work, you will make a better future for yourself. And if you want to in the future, you will find someone who matches your new elevated quality of self-knowledge and wholeness.
Confused, I think when I’ve been with someone I’m not sure of, it’s been a bad idea. My two cents= we all deserve to be with people who are sure of wanting to be with us. Relax, calm yourself, and enjoy some new things that you can do as a single person. Enjoy it for a while and see how you feel later.
Hey folks,
Thanks for listening to me so far. Serenity, thanks for understanding me with culture. Although, with me, fortunately, there is not too much of traditions issue, so that way, I am not too bothered. But yeah, I do tend to think A LOT about what others might think about me. I am trying to wade through them.
Since I last posted here, I have been out of station. And now I am again feeling quite alright. I still remember small things, but last couple of days, the pain has been small. Instead of a gaping pang, just a twinge. But unfortunately, the reason could be that I am blunting the pain. I keep thinking about “what-if” guy I had met quite a while before my recent ex. I told this to a friend of mine and she advised me absolutely not to do it. I mean, to get over him, I am getting myself into a “virtual rebound” I think. What a twisted way I have… And since about Sept/Oct ‘07, when things between us reached really really low, I had started thinking about Mr What-if. Lot of issues to work out. I just don’t see many of them most of the times. Until someone points out of course. e.g. I was relating my story to another friend who had also gone through break-up before. She said, I have a tendancy to get attached quite easily. I never realized it in those many words before. When I entered into relationship 5 years ago, I immediately started getting comfortable/attached/going-from-I-to-we. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. But I probably didn’t care for his space then. To be honest, a week after we got together, he had a major setback in his studies and went into depression for quite a while. That’s when his rages started. He cleared the setback a year later with flying colors, but nothing changed between us. The most romantic period of a relationship – the beginning time – was all burnt because of his setback. I absolutely NEVER complained for the whole year. I considered it my responsibility to stand by him, endure his rages – because that’s how his frustraion/depression would spill out. But then I made it a habit to endure ALL of his rages. Even unnecessary ones. It became my instinct to protect him from even the smallest adversity. That’s where I forgot his space. I could never understand before whenever he used to say: I don’t want to talk about it now. I should have waited for him to come and talk instead of making him talk right then.
But then came my depression, his ignorance to it and then a physical separation of 3 months because of my studies. After the separation was over, both of us were very eager to pick up things from where we had left. We were even moving in together. But at the airport, he seemed a bit distant and guarded. He had his valid reasons, but the cold behavoir hurt me. And I ended up detaching myself from him somewhat. That’s how I started giving him space. Not just because he needed it, but also as a sort of cold shoulder. Whenever he would recover, I would be all happy lovey-dovey again. As if could shoulder didn’t happen. Not a healthy way, was it…
So many things, now I wish I had done it differently. I know, it’s normal to feel this way and I am happy for it. That I am going through process. But I do wish. And now I am feeling a bit indifferent. Rather fast, considering my posts only a few days ago. I am sure, I am going to cycle through it again in a few days. But that’s ok too. I am going somewhere at least. A road to my own self… :)
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You’ve captured it all so very well. The emotions, the feelings, everything. But, what about the aftermath?
It’s been over 2 years now since my marriage of less than a week fell apart before my eyes b/c the guy I married didn’t have a back bone. Instead of defending me and siding with me, he did as his parents told him and that was to leave me. He didn’t even put up a fight or come to my defense. He was no Romeo that’s for sure.
This has scarred me mentally. Every few months I’ll get what feels like a nervous breakdown. A feeling of loneliness, emptiness, fear, anger, loss of control, aching pain in the heart takes over me accompanied by tears. This is an all consuming feeling that lasts for a few hours. And if I can’t reach my current boyfriend on the phone I feel worse. Sometimes I allow these feelings to reflect on my current relationship. We’ve been dating 2 years. A friend of mine seems to think he may be a rebound for me. I don’t think he’s rebound.
I’m just afraid I will drive him away with what seems like insecurities but really is a result of my past that keeps coming back to haunt me. I want to share it with him, but I’m afraid he’ll think I’m a nutt job. And who wants to deal with a nutt job?
I’ve been so strong all this time. Sometimes I’m so worried that my past will repeat again. It’s like the saying you let your fears become reality that I’m trying to avoid. When will I stop having these feelings that feels like a nervous breakdown?
I broke up with my boyfriend last week, the day before I started a new job. I am deeply in love with him and feel destroyed. We had a few issues, him being friends with an old love, not seeing each other enough etc but basically we were happy and had a great time together, and only broke up because I have tantrums where i break up with him. We’ve had about 5 mini break ups in a year, and now he says he has had enough and are not good for each other. I’m so restless, I emailed him this morning to ask him to think itover and give it another go to no reply, and haven’t heard from him in 5 days. It’s driving me insane because we did everything together and now this is ruining my job, and I want to move home way from here because everything reminds me of him. Deep down I know it’s final and there is no going back and at the weekend I truly felt like I couldn’t go on any more. This has happened to me before and I get scared that there is no one else out there for me.
Panicked, I am sorry ,I know how bad your feeling right now, we all do here. I am not the most qualified person out here to be giving advice God knows, most of the time I am trying to seek it here and elsewhere because I don’t know. I don’t normally think it ’s a good idea to make any kind of big decision when your upset . So if you could go home for a visit that would probobly be better. Your right you have to get away from the memories in the immediate. If you go to your loved ones you can sort out your feelings and then you can make a better decision after. I would also say and some may disagree you should level to whoever you answer to at your job that you are having a crisis right now, be honest with them. We are all human here. If they are worth it they will understand. There is no way you can take care of the new job right now if you don’t take care of yourself first.. Maybe others out here will have something else to say that might be better than what I am offering you. But this is real and you have to take care of yourself . That’s what’s most important. All the best I know it hurts. I have ben struggling for a couple of months but there is faith and hope and as long as there’s that there is a tomorrow. Hang in there.
I also want to say to you there is someone out there for you. Never believe that! Life is a marathon. I have lived alot of life and felt that way at times. But then it happened for me. Even though I am going through some things right now since, it has happened . And I have two beautiful sons that were a positive result of it too!
what i hate at the moment is that everyone is so normal and happy and it makes me feel like such a minority. It’s so nice to see other people’s views :)
thanks butch
Sorry I had to write on here again. Since I last wrote things have been complicated, my ex boyfriend has been emailing me just in a friendly way and said he isn’t sure if we should give it a go or not, and now today i am having a really bad day. I woke up early panicking because I know he is going to end it finally soon either today or tomorrow and I have a tummy ache and just can’t bear it. I’m restless at work and can’t cocentrate because I’m so sad. When he says it again I’m not going to know what to do with myself. I can’t bear the feeling that our relationship is all dangling in the air andit’s slipping away.
Since I started posting here, and also because of a getaway due to medical reasons, I thought I was doing fine. But I am back to square one or even square zero….
I found out from a common friend that he is engaged. We officially broke it off on Feb 26th night by PST. He and his new girlfriend went to this common friend to tell her that they are dating. The new girl was also having problems with her own boyfriend and that’s how they connected. In our last call, my ex told me that since both have scarred each other so much, he probably won’t look at a woman like that for a long long time. I told him right there, he has a tendancy to move on quite fast. But he didn’t even mention that he was already dating this new girl for a week before we broke it off.
Within a week of break-up, they got engaged.
I am in India, he is in US. Our above mentioned common friend told me that pretty much everyone in the circle is disgusted by it. Ex and the new girl are insisting that it’s not a rebound, they really like each other. Common friend is absolutey sure, there wasn’t anything during first couple of weeks of Feb. So this is really the story of 3 weeks.
In our last talk, he broke down a couple of times saying he does miss me or something like that. And while he was saying this, he was already dating another girl.
He told our common friend that he still cares about me and would like to be friends. But I have already gone through the post “Being friends with ex Redux”. And even without the post, I can’t be friends with him….
We had an Indian relationship, that is no sex until married. The relationship lasted 5 years and we stuck to the no sex part one way or othetr – even though sometimes it was difficult. And our common friend thinks he is sleeping with her since she knew the girl was inquiring about birth control pills.
5 years… we have hardly spent apart. They meant absolutely nothing to him…
I am sick….
Oh, he and his new girl went to the common friend on Feb 28th evening.
Mayee: she probably doesn’t mean anything to him either. If he can’t attach in 5 years then he’s not going to attach in 3 weeks. If it’s the sex that he’s having for the first time, well there you have it.
Keep going on … you’re more than he deserves. Be good to Mayee.
Mayee, I’m really sorry to hear about your experience. It kind of reminds me of mine where I too was dropped like a hot pot and he was already with another person within a week and he had said alot of things that lead me to believe he couldn’t live without me and wouldn’t hurt me…atleast not in the way he did. I felt like I was strung along or he didn’t leave first base until he had his foot on second base–what an insecure cowardly person.
Stay strong and stay NC. No, you can’t be friends with someone you’ve been with for that long especially when they’ve moved on or are appearing to the way they are — with a rebound reln etc.
I can imagine how devastating it must be. All I can say is hang in there and it will get better, but no saying how long that will take coz I’m going through it myself.
Right now I too am in a state where I feel like I can’t even trust my own feelings…like whether it’s okay to feel happy…it feels scary to coz I don’t want to end up hurt. I’m just hoping it will get better, trying to trust the process and move on. I know my ex has moved on and I probably dont’ exist even in his thoughts.
It’s very hard to believe that you think you know someone or are sure they wont’ hurt you especially in unthinkable ways… but they do. It’s hard to believe some people are capable of changing and doing what they do and being okay with it… it’s all new to me too… am just seeing the reality now.
Susan,
I think it was in your ‘friends with ex’ post- do not harp on closure, it will come when you decide it. Until then, I really was thinking closure is something necessary – from him. But you are right, I have to move on and get my own closure. The fact that nobody in the cirlce likes their engagement and nobody is speaking to them is definitely a partial closure to me.
The girl was having problems with her boyfriend as well but hadn’t broken off with him. He came to see her to her city expecting she will pick him up. Someone else picked him up and told him about her dating my ex. He was stunned… In his previous visits, he had met my ex and thought nice of him. He couldn’t believe what was happening…
I asked the common friend, ‘is he happy?’ She said ,’yes’. That “yes” is my rope to move on… He is happy with someone who is not me. That cuts any false hope I may cherish. He has even sent email to his group of frineds announcing their engagement. That’s final stamping. Everytime I think of some small thing we used to do, or wish that I was near him, I tell myself, ‘he doesn’t remember/feel it, he is happy with someone ELSE’.
Anna, you are right. You think you know someone. You think they wouldn’t behave in certain way. And then they do. You don’t even think you would be hurt so much even after all the rough patch…
I have to be honest here. The whole point of our arguments was his indifferent and rigid-viewed behavior towards me. And he proved me right. All this time, I wanted him to deny my ‘accusations’. I wanted him to tell me that I am thinking wrong, he is not like that. All this time, I was the one in denial. Blinded myself… over what? I was proved right and it hurts.. Physically hurts. My speech has become rather slow and slurry… my limbs feel lifeless… sometimes my heart clenches and breathing stops… even stomoch doesn’t feel well, I can’t feel like eating and hunger then eats my head..
It will pass…it has to pass. It just HAS TO.
Mayee,
It will definitely get better in time. I know what you mean when you say your limbs are lifeless and you cannot eat. At first, I couldn’t, eat, sleep or take care of me. At work, I was a zombie and my body was set at automatic pilot. With things I had no choice but to do, I did them without any feeling whatsoever. It takes time and you do get better. It’s hard, but I’m so thankful for those rare days when I can fall asleep without crying and I’m slowly beginning to do things with feeling. I still have a long way to go. Listen to Susan, first you have to be good to Mayee. I sometimes forget this, but I’m doing a little better and am so thankful for those baby steps I have taken thus far. My heart is slowly beginning to feel again and of course, the pain is still there. I know from the posts made from everyone here and the success that Susan has had in finding her own happiness, that in time, it will get better for us too. I was such a basket case when I first found this site. I’ve learned a lot here. I’ve also made so many mistakes breaking the “NC” rule and every time I break it, I totally regret it. I’m starting to “Get It”. With everything I’ve learned here, I’m not the same person I was when I first found this site. I’m better. I still have a long way to go. It takes time and as everyone is doing here, I have to remain focused on the process! That first night I posted here back in February, I was at an all time low. Everyone that responded to my initial posts not only picked me up when I felt total devastation, but I knew I wasn’t alone. Even today, when I fall backwards and get that overwhelming feeling of sadness, I come here. As I read the posts entered by the heartbreak and success stories of everyone else, I forget my own sadness even for a little while and soon my pain once again diminishes. Again, I’m not alone. It’s an overwhelming feeling that words cannot describe.
I don’t think I would be where I am today if I did not accidentally stumble onto this site. Thank you Susan.
Mayee,
I too understand the stomach thing. One thing you should do is find a *really good vitamin and mineral supplement* and take it regularly. Believe me, this is super-important. Also, I found that “drinking” meals was easier than eating- make shakes with your milk-of-choice (soy, rice, or real), fruit, and protein powder. Add spirulina if you can. At least eat a little bit at every meal.
I am only now recovering from the results of my inability to eat…
Serenity,
You know, I actually had started a diet plan just before I came to know about ex’s quick engagement. This whole crash, the grief, has actually helped me with my diet! In the sense, that I eat all the prescribed things which are healthy. But of course I would have had severe cravings if this hadn’t happened. So grief is actually taking the cravings out of picture! And I managed to lose about 5 pounds in 3 days :) Of ourse, there is lingering sickness everytime, but hey! I am losing fat! I hope you didn’y suffer much healthwise, Serenity. Do take care.
I am staying with my parents. So my mum really helps me with everything. Two of my friends who I am talking to have gone through these exact phases. So they are talking me through it.
JHSBB, you are right. Posting here since about a 2 weeks back has helped me immensely. I never wanted to impose upon my friends with my constant whining. So posting here is such a great relief.. More importantly, as Susan says, I actually managed make quite a few self-discoveries. It’s only a month since break-up, but it feels like taking off colored glasses and looking at everything just the way it is. Like how much stupidity I did in the name of love. Like sometimes the deeds I thought were stupid were in fact absolutely necessary and right in their place. Like how much I lost sight of my own dreams. And in just one day yesterday, I managed to see him in different light, for which my mind was so resistant… Of course, any remembrance of good things makes the recovery crash. I feel like I am going through all the phase extremely fast. The overwhelming grief, the denial, the anger, (thankfully no bargaining yet), the acceptance.. sometimes all in day’s work… it’s so weird… Yesterday, I had been talking about him and my grief to two different friends for a total of 6 hours. I was exhausted by night. And I said to myself enough is enough. And then it crashed again just before I went to sleep as I thought of his smile.
Has anyone gone through these phases so fast? It reminds me that episode in the series “Monk” where he keeps cycling through these phases by minute! I thought it was rather childish joke to show, but I honestly wonder now.. If I am cycling through eerything in day sometimes, why not he cycle it in minutes!
really a great article I am in the early stages of a breakup, and just trying to understand the process is a great help, I hope I can be of more help to others if and or when I recover.
brian
I agree on the eating I have never drank so many smoothies, its all I can do to get anything past the solar plexus region. Its like there is a brick wall there lots of broth and fruit and veggie drinks, at least I feel i am keeping my physical needs compensated.
brian, don’t forget the possibility of a good whole-food based vitamin and mineral supplement. They have those in liquid form at health food stores too. And try to eat out with friends when you can- it helps.
Hi all,
Thanks for the replies last time. They really helped! What a great group. I need some advice though. As I said before I work with my ex. Tomorrow I have no choice but to attend a staff meeting with him for several hours (with others there). It will be the first time I’ve seen him in our 17 day break up. I’ve managed to avoid him in work to date but no choice tomorrow. I’ve heard him pass my office door a few times, and that has been enough to send me into tears. It’s very hard. I’m really worried that tomorrow I will see him and just fall apart. I’m still at the stage of thinking about him all the time and dreaming about him when I do finally manage to sleep. I know it’s early days. I’m going to have to come up with a strategy for dealing with meeting him at work though. At least once per week we have full group meetings, and I can’t not attend. My plan is to avoid all eye contact and ignore him basically, but I feel stick to my stomach about it all. I also find, if I’m honest, that I’m engaging in some pretty unhealthy thinking about the encounter – while I’m dreading it and am worried about bursting into tears, there’s also, if I’m honest, a part of me who is excited – I miss him so much – and is kind of looking forward to seeing him. I cringe to admit this, but I’ve actually found myself considering what to wear and all that crap …. How sad am I – like a cute outfit is going to make him want me. Any advice people? Much appreciated in advance. I don’t know what I’d do without the blog to keep me sane.
B
In a way I feel bad about posting Beatrice – because I really wish I could give you some great advice… and I pretty much have none (sorry). I would be exactly the same – no, I would be probably be copping out and pulling a sickie or something dumb like that, so for one thing – I think you are great for going at all!! I just read your post and really feel for you and am writing simply to say I will think of you, and good luck. I can’t imagine having to do this myself, but for what it’s worth, I reckon avoiding eye contact as you say, totally avoiding getting into any one-to-one with him, and *acting your arse off* that you are composed and OK, will I think go along way toward giving off exactly that impression…which is surely all you can do really. In my opinion you don’t have to be some sort of robotic superwoman, just professionally composed. I don’t know how many other people will be around the table at this meeting, but if it is feasible, I personally would absolutely avoid – refuse – any specific interaction with him for tomorrow. Worry about later meetings… well, later!
As for feeling unhealthy for thinking up cute outfits etc – I would be axactly the same, and I would try not to beat myself up for that; any thing you can wear that makes you feel as confident as possible about your appearance and demeanour, is a thing to grab at this point in my opinion. As this regular contact is unavoidable, I understand that you are going to have to come up with a strategy for coping with it longterm, but perhaps for now you should just remind yourself that this is very, very early days and just get through tomorrow any way you can ( you can fall apart in the toilets afterwards when nobody is looking remember if you really need to!) and worry about the rest later, when you are stronger… which you WILL be. I know this is all a bit lame, but I wanted to say hello and really just wish you all the best.
Stay Strong! And if you can’t saty strong…Pretend!
That’s not lame at all, thanks so much for that Little Wing. I might pretend to take a call on my mobile if I need to leave the room too, just thought of that. If I can pull it off. I really appreciate your advice. I plan to do what you say, and try and appear cool, calm and collected, even if my stomach is doing turns and my heart racing. I can’t seem to control my emotions though these days, when I hear him pass my office, it just sends me into tears, I just pray no tears at the group meeting, I will actually pray about that tonight. I’m not normally overly emotional. Must re-read Susan’s post about acting as if. It’s really good.
He sent me a lame email today saying ‘thanks’ in response to a work email I had to send around to the entire work group. He didn’t have to reply at all, it was just notification about a work project. But he replies ‘thanks Beatrice’ [then his name]. What’s that about? I mean he didn’t have to repond at all, my friend thinks it’s more about him wanting to seem Mr. Nice Guy People Pleaser. I didn’t respond and won’t be either. Still, it reduced me to tears – where did all the love go, so awful getting formal emails from him – where did my lover and best friend go, vanished into thin air. Too much to deal with sometimes. I wanted to type back ‘would you ever x*&% off’ – tempting – but no reponse is always better. Just venting.
Thanks for the good wishes Little Wing
I think your friend may be right and he wants to be Saint Ex… but who knows, and don’t we just drive ourselves insane trying to guess – I do find saying ‘It doesn’t matter’ repeatedly helps somewhat at this sort of point, but I understand you may not feel able to do that (yet) and it is all very raw for you.
It’s horrific when you first see the different ways in which they communicate and relate to you – Last time we met, I thought my ex had become literally ‘a different person’ or was maybe on medication or something, until it hit me like a big fast train that it was only his feelings toward me that were different… making him act differently… and that now I am simply getting the version of him that everyone else always got. That hurts a lot, I am with you there.
I think you will be fine tomorrow anyway. Your idea about the pseudo phonecall is a good one should you need it. Remember, if it does get too much and yo want to cry(and it really may not happen!) then yes, you can always simply leave, for a call or a loo break or whatever – and you are in control of that. Maybe just try to concentrate on the topics and on staying calm, and as soon as it is over, on getting out of there!
Again, all the best!
Yes, you’re right, ‘It doesn’t matter’ and ‘I don’t care’ needs to become my mantra. Thanks also for reminding me of that important fact, I am in control tomorrow – I can leave to go to the bathroom if i feel myself getting upset, even realising that will probbably help me stay calm, as I know there is an escape route. Thanks for reminding me. Will let you know how I get on. Thanks so much!
Beatrice,
I’d bookend the staff meeting with calls to friends: to support you going in and to support you coming out. Or, blog us at GPYP, before and after the meeting. Knowing I’m getting support I can count on, support before and after a difficult event, eases the anxiety I anticipate. Also, by setting up your own support, it empowers you, lets you and your psyche know you can nurture and take care of yourself. It gives you the control. (You’re not at the mercy of the situation;it adds some certainty to an uncertain situation.)
Good luck, I’ll be sending you positive energy. Can you tell us about what time you’ll be in the staff meeting? That might be another support: knowing GPYP bloggers have you in their thoughts.
Love yourself and give yourself a big hug. Think of it as a kind of athletic training or even an audition for a part you’ve always wanted ( just pretend!)
Beatrice, I’m feeling for you too! You CAN do it, and I will be another one thinking of you. I had a situation sort of like yours once, and it sucked — but perhaps the anticipation of it will be worse than the reality.
Mayee, I was cycling through so many phases on Friday I thought I would lose it. I’m about two weeks in to my breakup. Luckily, this site has given me the gift of understanding what’s going on in my head. It’s so textbook! Since Friday I’ve calmed down a lot. I’ve just read your posts for the past few days, but you do sound like you’re making progress! Keep up the good work…..
Serenity thx for the information on the vitamin supplement I will look for it you are right I do have an appetite when I go out for dinner with friends which helps. unfortunatley for myself I have to work with my former 2 days a month I do not want to break the no contact rule I wonder what kind of effect it will have on the process of moving on.
Brian: from my own experience, I can tell you that working with your ex and having to see/talk to them will definitely throw you back into the stuff (especially if they are now dating someone else in the office that you have to see/work with, etc.). But, what I can also tell you is that you will get to a place where it begins to matter less and less…or should I say that “they” begin to matter less and less.
It is fortunate that you only have to see them 2 days per month and not daily. You might have sufficient time in between sightings to disconnect a bit more in order to strengthen your own resolve.
Hold your head high, look the other way and if you must exchange with them, be polite, professional and nothing more.
You can do it!!!
Thanx Nese I am a little Lucky I guess its just that I dont know what effect it will have on me, and having to start the process all over again in a couple of weeks. I guess I will just have to see what happens and hope that I am big enough to get through it and not be bothered enough or let her bother me. again thx for the support.
You are welcome Brian…..as I said, you will go back and forth and in time it will matter less and less. Obviously it is easier for them because the ex’s are focused on their new relationships and we are left holding the bag/baggage of what was once “us”. We have nothing else to focus on but ourselves (which we should be doing but we don’t always look so good in the beginning).
Yesterday I was really good and strong (and I was at 3:00 am when I wrote to you because I couldn’t sleep) but today I’m not so good. I saw them individually and then together and I felt sick to my stomach…..probably, in part, because I am tired and less resilient to my stupid thought processes.
But I have had some good days…..its wierd, but the best days seem to be when I have imagined myself to still really matter to him but that I don’t care. The feeling doesn’t last long but it sure is empowering for the moment. I know it shouldn’t matter to me whether or not I matter to him but something about feeling more in control of the whole situation made me feel better.
Good luck on having to meet the ex. My thoughts are with you!
It looks like this thread has a lot of newly shocked people, so I’ll share that I found Susan Anderson’s book on abandonment just recently, and I wish I had it earlier. She talks about what your body is doing- it helps make sense of how you feel physically and mentally. Susan’s linked up above to Amazon- buy there and help support the blog (Susan takes a loss on her gpyp stuff).
Beatrice,
Hope you’re hanging in there. I feel the SAME as you about my ex- where the h*&% did my best friend and lover go? But now that I’ve had time to do the relationship inventory and life inventory, I see that my exbf *never actually qualified* as good enough for those positions- my upbringing veiled who he really was. It was like wearing a seriously distorted pair of glasses and then taking them off. You wonder where the heck that great person was.
Hi all Little Wing, Newday, Seeif and others,
Thanks all of you for your comments and support. I am in Europe so I didn’t see some of the later ones with the time difference until I got back from work yesterday evening. Well, in a word it was awful. I didn’t actually cry in the meeting thankfully but my God, it was awful. No eye contact from me , but as luck would have it the only spare seat when he arrived was beside me and so when he came in he had to sit next to me. I thought I’d throw up, heart racing, I even got dizzy. Mind you he’s always had the effect on me, and me on him, he used to say – we were always intensely attracted to each other. As I said, no eye contact from me, and I thought I acted normally, though I was quieter than usual and don’t think I hid stuff as much as I had hoped. I caught him out of the corner of my eye glancing at me a couple of times but I steadfastly refused to look back. At a break in the meeting (it lasted FIVE hours, felt like five days) I legged it and went off to get coffee on my own, then came back and as we moved to another room, he ended up sitting opposite me. Hard not to catch his eye as he was in my line of vision, so i just kept my eyes to my work. I left the room 3 times in total, just for a break, as I needed to just breathe and relax. That helped and gave me some control. I couldn’t concentrate on the work issues, and just had voices going through my head all the time, asking why this was happening, why the love of my life was here and no longer my partner – how could this be? I don’t understand this version of reality. I can’t tell you how I felt when i saw him, he’s so gorgeous and handsome and looked amazing. when he sat beside me i could smell his aftershave and that nearly finished me off. I wanted to scream at the world about how much i was hurting, I wanted to scream at him but also to throw my arms around him at the same time. God I am still so much in love with him, it was absolute torture. For his part, he acted compeltely normally. In fact he was all all jovial and smiley. This upset me even more. How could he be like this and not care? I said this to a mutual friend who disagreed and said he felt that my ex was probably upset but just hiding it. Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know. the fact remains that he doesn’t want me, so whether he is upset or not is irrelevant.
I was too upset to post here yesterday evening. A colleague afterwards asked me what on earth was wrong with me, so I obviously wasn’t hiding it as well as I thought. I told her and she is upset, she is one of the very many who have always said ‘you two are so made for each other’. I couldn’t speak to her for long, just too upset. Yesterday evening then after coming home and dissolving into tears (I think i was hoping he’d contact me, hoping seeing me would stir something in him, make him realise he wanted me – but nothing, still no contact) I asked a mutual friend if I could give him a bag of my ex’s stuff. I had packed it away and didn’t want to use it as an excuse to contact my ex, so our mutual friend agreed to take it and give it to him. I dropped it over to him and that just started the tears again. What a nigthmare. I will have to just get used to this though, we are going to be in meetings together at least once per week (three time next week), so I suppose i will just have to accept that for me, healing will take longer because I will have to see him regularly. Do you knw the worst of it? Well, I’ll be honest. Now I want him back. I desperately want him back now. I had got to the point where you know I had rationalised he’s hurt me, rejected me, good few red flags therefore he’s not the one for me. I was devastated but had kind of begun to accept it. I am back now at just wanting him back and beign distraught that he doesn’t want me.
So, that’s what happened. I need now to get back to that place where i was starting to get to, need to try and stop praying he’s come back to me, and start rememberign that he can’t be the one if he rejected me. And that I shouldn’t want someone who doesn’t want me. Do the tears ever stop? I am not usually particualrly emotional but have been crying buckets and buckets. I was with my ex for 18 months and it’s killing me. Before that I was engaged to a guy and with him for 8 years – and when we broke up (which I did for this ex) it affected me but abolutely not an iota like this.
Serenity, thanks for the reference to Susan Anderson’s book. I have ordered it. End of rant, thanks for allowing me to share, and for all of your support. I was so touched to read your messages seeing that you said you’d be thinking of me. I was really touched
What a really gruelling experience Beatrice, my heart goes out to you. How strong you are to have got through those 5 hours though – I know this must be hard to see now, and you’re naturally focussing on the ‘negatives’ and the sheer, sickening pain of seeing him- but WELL DONE.
One thing that strikes me is that you feel you have regressed in terms of your progress, that you need to ‘get back’ to where you had ‘got to the point of…’ I too do this, but reading all the blogs by Susan and others here has made me consider that maybe you/I/we are much further on and better off than we think right now at times like this, and your experience yesterday needs to be seen not as a regression or an ‘undoing’ of your progress but simply as a normal wave of the grief – and actually as a progression through it.
I had the such similar thoughts and reactions to yours, truly, when I saw my ex last week. I thought I had made progress and then *bam*, being in his presence seemed to throw me back and I felt utter desperation for him, got hysterically upset and afterwards like you are now, I felt that the shafts of light and peace and equanimity and acceptance had been *undone*… but I am fighting against this belief – and starting to win with my fight. Those desperate compulsions to be back with the ex are just part of the process. The pain comes back to the fore, gets to fever pitch again…but it does recede… it makes me think of a kind of exorcism.
I have also learned that I am experiencing not only the loss of this particular ex, but those before him, about whom I did not grieve, because I did not hang around with myself, in my own headspace as a singleton for long enough to… I hope you don’t mind me asking -could this be a significant issue for you too?
In grief, I seem to have habitually propelled myself toward the rejector or the person who caused me pain, in order to achieve peace and stop the pain. Praying for an ex who hurt you, to come back to you is something I can identify with wholly, but this is denial and fear- and it is selling ourselves very short of what we deserve and really need. We must not forget or dismiss all those red flags and hurtful memories. I too ordered the Susan Anderson book this morning (Thanks Serenity).
I know you are distraught Beatrice, but hang on in there, and again, Well Done – give yourselff a big break and a big treat for yesterday. I hope you are OK
little wing, Susan Anderson mentions this in her book- she talks about the researcher who had ducklings imprinted on him, and the one whose foot he accidentally stepped on actually clung to him tighter after the injury… Biology sucks!
I also recommend the Grief Recovery Handbook Susan has here– one of the issues can also be (as you’re thinking) that accumulated grief snowballs when it’s not felt and resolved, and then avalanches at a certain point after a loss…so you get to feel tons of grief (I think I’m feeling about seven year’s worth or more) after the loss instead of just the grief for that loss.
sigh.
An avalanche of accumulated grief – that is it EXACTLY, Serenity.
Might there be a crumb of comfort in this idea then – with regard to the specific ex-partner/relationship that we are grieving? I mean… if I am feeling all these years of losses now, then I can tell myself that it is at least less about HIM specifically. It depersonalises things a little, so when I yearn for him (like the ducklng, ah) I tell myself that this is not so much about him at all, and he becomes less of a mighty figure looming over my landscape with these pseudo healing powers. In a perverse way, thinking about all the other losses takes that away from him and I feel momentarily comforted… but then a whole other load of pain demands attention, that is so sad! sigh, sigh, sigh indeed.
Thanks, I shall check out the Handbook. Must gather as many tools as possible for burrowing out of all this snow …
Thanks for the encouragement Little Wing. I actually feel a little better this evening. I’m starting to get used to being on my own a lot, and have stopped wondering what he’s doing every second. I only wonder what he’s doing now about every 5 minutes. Progress! I think you are right and I totally don’t mind you asking – having not properly grieved most of my previous relationships (and might I add the death of my alcoholic absent father last year, as well as a pretty messed up childhood) … I think yes perhaps what i am greiving now, now that i am finally alone, is more than just my ex. I have spent a good bit of time though over the years dealing with my childhood issues, and I am fine with it all now, but there could well be residula grief there, particularly since my father died last year, and i definitely did not grieve my last couple of relationships. I don’t want to play down what I feel about lsoing my ex though – for me, he represented the be all and end all. I thought God had sent me this perfect man, to make up for all the grief and hurt and unfortunate crap that i’d been through and got through my entire life. he was perfect, I thought, I really thought ‘Oh my God, this is it, this is how it’s supposed to be, this is the one, I’ve been sent an angel’. I actually think I went temporarily insane when we got together. Within 2 weeks I had left my fiance (I know, that makes me the bad guy in that case – although I genuinely wasn’t unfaithful – as soon as I realised my feelings, I made the decision and left). I fell so deeply in love, and still am. Sometimes I would just stare at him and wonder how on earth i had managed to get him. if i’m honest I didn’t think I was good enough for him. It looks like he finally came to that conclusion too. I was always terrified also that the whole karma thing would catch up with me – you know, me leaving my fiance to be with this other guy. I was terrified I would get punished. And i did. I feel destroyed now. My ex is the ‘type’ that I always wanted all my life but never thought I could ever ‘get’. I never really thought i could get such a guy. He blew me away when he fell for me and told me he wanted to be with me forever, I ticked all his boxes (and he mine) and blah blah blah. Sorry, this is turning into yet another rant about how amazing my ex is. Drag myself back to reality …. he dumped me, has hurt me beyond description, therefore he could not be the one. Right? God though, he was such a catch, never met anyone like him before, i can’t tell you in how many different ways he was so special. On the other hand, he was a childish, self-obsessed immature ass. Ha, first time I;ve admitted that. Anyway, thanks Little Wing, your comments gave me lots to think about and to reflect upon. This blog is beyond helpful :-)
Hi Everyone,
First let me say that I attended Susan’s last seminar in NYC and it was AMAZING!!! It has changed my life. I was on the road to healing but the seminar kicked me in high gear! I had to put my healing on hold for several weeks while I prepared for a major exam(that felt like a roadblock similar to the roadblock built by my ex). I passed the exam, put it behind me and now focused on my healing in a MAJOR way!
Beatrice–I commend every ounce of you for going through that experience. I ran into my ex for the second time (since I made a committment to myself that after 2+years of back and forth sex followed by choas I would finally cut him out of my life altogether) on the train and then a NYC street (big city my ass!) and it was AWFUL. The whole experience lasted about 10 minutes and it was pure torture. I can not even imagine how difficult it must have been for you. The range of emotions I felt went from excitment, anxiety, anger, love, rage, jealousy, envy, lust and some homicidal thoughts came in and out as well. I made my way to work and distracted myself as best I could. When I got home I was irritable and fought with my family. I actually felt bad about having a reaction to seeing my ex! I was not allowing myself to feel what I had to feel in order to heal. I thought for sure I was pretty much over him so when all those feelings came up I was disappointed in myself. BUT after therapy tonight I realize that its ok to feel those things. And its ok that I want to send him a nasty text or email and ask him how dare he ask me to marry him, call the wedding off 4 months before and now walk past me on the street like we’re total strangers(as long as I dont send them). However, my wonderful therapist pointed out to me tonight, the reason I have this desire to reach out to him is because this is the cycle I am used to. When I get hurt by him I seek him out, we “meet up” (code for have amazing sex) and then he walks away from me and the cycle starts up all over again. I am breaking the cycle now and REFUSE to reach out to him to stir up the chaos. My words of support to you–allow yourself to feel what you feel but journal it so you can look at it from an objective point of view (I have this etched in my head from Susan). Journal about what you were thinking, feeling and doing when you saw him. Feel it, try to understand it and move forward. This will make the next time easier for you and the time after that easier and so on. Until you look at him and finally think “What the hell was I thinking?” And after reading what you wrote all I could thinkg was “he may be good looking but if he mistreated another human being then hes certainly NOT a person you want to be with forever!” He may be all the things you think on the surface but what and who he really is is reflected in the way he treats others, expecially you if he loved you. Its time to start chopping down that pedastal your putting him on and start building yourself one!!!
This will get easier for you–we all promise you that. But it will be hard and it will feel painful at times. BUT the best part is knowing that everytime you feel the pain your one step closer to a happier more fulfilling life, a life that you deserve; free of childish, self-obsessed immature asses like your ex!
I must start my journal now. I am SO looking forward to dealing, healing and growing with people who all want the same thing–their best life possible!
Beatrice, your experience in that meeting just sounds so so so horrible. I’m very sorry. I want to comment on something you said in your last post – that you didn’t think you were good enough for him and he finally came to that conclusion. WRONG!! Don’t be so hard on yourself, he sounds like he was not worthy of you. I seriously doubt that karma has anything to do with it. You were engaged to someone, realized it wasn’t right and called it off. That’s called courage, as long as you did it for the right reasons (ie, realized this was not the person you were meant to marry). Read Susan’s post on splitting, it’s good stuff. :)
Beatrice,
It WILL, WILL, WILL, will…get better! Good job feeling your feelings. You’re grieving. You think you’re missing him…but I bet you 10 to 1…you’re grieving. It can be excruciating. But you’re doing all the right things: you’re acknowledging the loss, the extent of the loss, and you’re experiencing “deep emotions.” You might read Susan’s “mourning theory” at the top of the blog. It helped me to understand the mechanics of grief: it helped me not feel so alone.
Keep letting us know your feelings. And great, great job asking for help from us. You’re two thirds of the way through Recovery 101 — just by ASKING for help. If you only knew how much time it’s taken me to ask for help when I’m feeling vulnerable.
Beatrice, it’s one day at a time. And, you moved through THAT DAY! It’s over, kaput. No more yesterday. You did it: you got through yesterday. You got through it.
Keep up the great work. Thanks for bringing us along for the journey.
Take care.
Seeif
What supportive posts to wake up to this morning! You are motivational, CJ and others!
Beatrice, I agree with the others – you ARE movng along through this already, and truly on your way, remember that!. Seeif, I especially like what you say about it being one day at a time ‘and you moved through THAT DAY, it’s over’ -that’s great.
Just want to say, please consider dumping the karmic payback thinking? I empathise totally with this, having tortured myself with it for almost a year (and several tmes in the past with other break-ups). My ex even told me I would get my karmic payback for hurting him. You know the worst thing? I kind of DID, because I bought into that nonsense and allowed it to transpire- I actively participated in it in fact, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I maintained contact with him, witnessing al his pain and excusing all his awful actions and basically I drank all the punishment in, wholeheartedly believing I deserved to. Big, big mistake! HOnestly, this really damaged my progress and my health.
I really believe the karma thing is a limiting, damaging and in all, thoroughly unehlpful way to view things. Newday makes a great point about your having acted with courage – in any event, you did what you did in leaving your fiance and there is surely a way to accept that without going down the punishment road. Viewing your current situation that way only gives it / him more power and keeps you there. It makes you treat yourself like crap basically!
It really sounds like when you got with your ex you were hit with a thunderbolt! It is clear that you invested so much in him, and put your all into the relationship. I really feel for you about all this. Keep posting, and most importantly, just keep on keeping on!
CJ—so glad you are here!!!!!
One thing I try to remind myself- I’ve done the best that I could with what I had at the time.
Mistake of letting the ex into my life-= I was doing the best I could with good intentions. I need to let go of beating myself up for that.
Mistake of “splitting” the ex despite inner gut feelings that something was wrong, and repeatedly being hurt by his inability to understand other’s feelings, self-absorption, and background disapproval? I need to let go of my anger at myself for letting myself be close to that.
Mistake of thinking the ex was wonderful, sweet and kind, and pitiful in a way that I needed to take care of him? I need to see him in a more complete way, and remember how his actions were more representative of him in totality: sweetness and selfishness, kindness and toxicity.
In Susan Anderson’s book, she brings up research that shows that it is better to FIGHT feelings of inadequacy, despair, and being left with energy- not to STOP feeling these feelings, but to put that energy towards doing what you can do to heal. And there’s nothing the matter with building up a good case in your head about why the ex is a no-good jerk with a lot of negative qualities.
This is a great article; it really describes everything I’m feeling to a T.
As for my story, well, about 5 weeks ago my fiancee of 3 months and girlfriend of 3.5 years told me she couldn’t get married. Until then, there were no problems, no conflicts, no bad treatment from either side. We had talked about marriage, the future, and the like for a good year before I proposed. I was absolutely devastated initially, and even though I’m still pretty down, I can at least tell I’m slowly getting better.
I’m still having a difficult time understanding or accepting what happened. It really seemed like we were so perfect for each other. Same interests, personality types, sense of humor, desires in life, same degrees, pretty much everything. We really were best friends. I knew without a doubt that she was who I wanted to spend my life with, and for so long, she said she felt the same for me.
Our time together went in phases. We were friends to start, then she finished her Master’s degree and moved away for a year. During this time, we started dating. She moved back here to finish her Ph.D., and for the first year, we lived separately. We moved in together for the next 14 months. She finished her doctorate and took a job about 4 hours away teaching at a small university. Since last last August, we had been doing the long distance thing. I will be finishing my degree later this year and had committed to a position about 11 hours away from where she is now. We knew it would be tough, but we decided that she would move to where I was going because it would have been easier for her to find a job in my location than vice versa. So at some point, we were ok with the distance thing and knew it wouldn’t be forever.
So we got engaged in December. I proposed right after her commencement ceremony, in front of her family and everything. She got a dress not long after and started inquiring about places and stuff. However, come February she started seeming distant. Her excitement to see me on weekends seemed to go down. I just figured she was stressed out over work because as a new professor, she had a gigantic amount of work to do. Come late February, we go to a wedding together. It as ok, but not the best time. I head back home on Monday morning. She comes up the next Saturday, seemingly to spend her spring break with me. Nope, she breaks up with me. Complete, utter, shock, disbelief.. I still cannot believe that it happened. She told me that there was something missing between us, some “x-factor”. I’m still confused over that. Was she expecting to have puppy love, butterflies, and sparks forever? She leaves and I don’t hear from her for over a week. I did send her an e-mail telling her I think I understood what was happening. I thought she may have been having an engagement freak out and that after some more time she’d realize what she was throwing away. Nope. About a 10 days later I get an e-mail from her basically restating what she told me in person. She said that she realized she hadn’t been herself for the last few years and got wrapped up in making me happy. She says she was happy in making me happy, but she realized she neglected to make herself happy. Is that a sign of co-dependence? I don’t know. No matter the reason, it sucks just the same. I feel like I was in love with a mirage, with someone not truly honest with themselves or with me.
Since this happened, I’ve been trying to get back to myself. I’ve been reading things like this site, self-help books, going to church, talking with friends and family, working out, all that sort of stuff. I just can’t shake this fear of being alone. I can’t actually see my family as I live a good 700 miles from them now. I don’t have really close friends here like I do back home. I feel like my confidence is just completely ruined. I’m scared I will never meet someone as seemingly right for me as she was at one point. I’m scared of settling for something less than I deserve out of fear of being alone. I hate to sound egotistical, but I know I’m a good catch for a good woman. I know this will take time, but being patient with this is so hard. There are too many reminders of her and of us together. I’m trying to get really focused on finishing my degree now, but I cannot concentrate for the life of me yet. I can’t let this destroy me, but it seems like my body isn’t listening to my brain.
I’m sorry for this being so long. I just needed to vent again. Thank you.
I can’t say how thankful I am that I stumbled upon this blog. I’ve been dealing with a break-up for almost 2 months now, and I can see why my way of coping wasn’t working…this has truly helped me in ways I can’t begin to thank you for. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m printing this out and posting parts of it around my room to remind me of what I need to do. May God Bless you in all the things that you do!!!
Al,
I feel for you. However, you sound like you’re attuned to what is true for you, what your feelings are, and what concerns you have. That’s pretty amazing, a month and one week out of the relationship.
I was in a long-distance relationship, but we were only “together” for 6 months. I met him in the city where I live and where he had wintered. We are older than you and your fiancee: I am 57 and he is now 65.
I wanted to share some of the feelings I had while we were together. The long-distance thing really made our relationship seem surreal at times, a fantasy less than a real thing. Also, because I couldn’t see him on a daily basis I felt like I was often in limbo, where he and I were concerned. Like I couldn’t ever grab hold of him or the relationship. It was almost like he was a phantom. Even though we talked every couple of days, and saw each other every 5 weeks, it just didn’t feel real. And I had a low-level depression the entire time.
I found an interesting internet site on long-distance relationships(every kind imaginable). It is called something like the “Center for the Study of Long-Distance Relationships.” There were a number of common feelings shared by people in LDR, regardless of their specific circumstances. One of the common feelings was this low-level depression experienced by many, if not most, people. The director of the center called it a form of perenial grief: a feeling of ongoing loss.
I just wanted to share this with you. My experience with my LDR is that I just felt confused, and, slightly off kilter a good deal of the time. One conclusion I came to was that I couldn’t do it anymore –didn’t WANT to anymore. There were other, more serious issues in my relationship, that contributed to the end of the relationship. My ex and I both wanted to end it, and did so. All that stuff in LDR was very disruptive and trying for me.
It made me realize that I don’t want to ever be in a LDR again. It doesn’t work for me.
About your difficulty staying focused and feeling alone … that was how I felt in the beginning stages of my grief. I felt TREMENDOUS grief and loss, even though both my ex and I ended the relationship. I now believe I was grieving previous relationships and other unresolved grief.
If you haven’t already, you might try reading Susan’s “The Mourning Theory” at the top of the blog. Reading it helped me understand how grief works and what feelings or lack of feelings I could expect. In the TMT, most of the grief experts, including Susan, say we can expect to feel confused and disoriented — dazed, really– in the beginning.
Thank you for posting. What you’re feeling and experiencing sounds like grief, but it’s still really, really hard.
Hope you’re being kind to yourself. Also, don’t know where you live but there may be some Al-anon or Coda meetings where you can get support. You don’t have to have a friend or relative with an alcohol problem to go. You can just go and listen. It’s free.
Take care, Al.
Seeif
Hi Al. I second Seeif in saying you really seem to be doing the right things. And I totally understand how this kind of thing gets in the way of academic stuff. I had to drop out of the class I was taking when everything happened because I couldn’t take even one more iota of stress. I just finished the book “The Journey from Abandonment to Healing” by Susan Anderson (link here on this blog) and I recommend it for you. As an academic, you’ll be comforted by the physiobiological explanations for a lot of things you’re experiencing (it’ll make you understand why your body is wacked out- boy do I understand that). In addition, she gets into some great psychological strategies for healing the feelings of abandonment. Also, if the religious affiliation that you have has room for calling on guardian angels, that is something that is comforting that helps one get through the night.
You’re on a journey now, and it really sounds as if you’re aware you need a good compass and guide book. Check out Susan’s postings on the Relationship Inventory and the Life Inventory (this will help you figure out some whys) and look at her postings on Goals and Affirmations (and/or get the mp3).
Best of luck to you, and to all of us!
well it has been three weeks since I found the hidden phone with text messages indicating my loving, kind, doting husband had premeditatedly arranged to meet up with someone (anyone would do) to have sex in my house while I was away for the night.
Of course he denied it and then lied about it initially.
It turns out, through my own extensive detective work, that he has been engaging in extensive sexual chat on ‘meet local people for discreet sex’ type websites. He is a member of a dozen or more. Some memberships date back to before we met. There is a clear pattern of engaging in this behaviour through out our five year relationship.
We’ve been married for 3 years now and I am 6 months pregnant.
I love this man, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We often talked about growing old together, about how we would be th 40% statistic of marriages who stay together. He promised he would never do anything like this to me.
He acknowledges now that he has had a secret life – a hidden self that he loaths and feels guilt and shame about. No one knew this hidden person. He has sought conselling to deal with the repressed issues that have lead to this behaviour.
He is not yet willing to reveal details to me about his addiction/ compulsive behaviour. But I am a good detective. I have found pictures he has posted on the internet of his genitalia, and of him having anal and vaginal intercourse with someone (I do not know whether these photos were taken before or after he met me).
He says he loves me; and that he wants to deal with his issues and learn how to cope with pain and stress in a healthy way so that we can move on together and live the life we had dreamed. He sounds convincing – but the hidden man was very well hidden before – NO ONE would have suspected this man of doing this. He would be voted most likely to be faithful by anyone you met.
I know that he has a dysfunctional family – completely dysfunctional! and this has led to his dysfunctional behaviour. With his counsellor/psychologists (he is seeing 2 seperate professionals) he has identified that his greatest fear is of being alone. This makes me wonder whether he ever loved me, or maybe I was just a secure option – that he felt safe with me that I wouldnt leave him alone. We always spent a great deal of time together and it still amazes me now that he found the time to engage in this behaviour! He told me that at tomorrow’s session his counsellor wants to explore the comment he made that he knew I was the one he wanted to marry when he met me. In my detective work I discovered that on at least 2 of our anniversaries he has spent time on the internet using these chat/meet websites. This makes me question the reality of his love even more. I don’t know what to believe. Obviously I feel betrayed and have little trust.
I would like to be able to move on to a life with him – on the condition that he really is reformed, and that I can learn to trust him. I am not going to live a half life with him – always wondering. But then I remember that I never wondered before – I trusted him completely! Am I foolish to give him a second chance?
The complication of our baby on the way is huge. We are now forever linked by this life inside me. No matter what happens with him and I, I want this baby to have a healthy, happy and trustworthy father who is involved in it’s life. So the number one priority is for him to get well. I also know how important it is for him to be part of the birth for him to bond with this baby so that he remains a significant figure in it’s life forever … and not a twice a year dad, or even a fortnightly weekend father. I dont want that for this child. I have experienced times of enormous rejection and resentment towards the baby, and engaged in self harm and contemplated suicide. Most of the time I dont feel that way anymore. And I believe that when the baby comes I will be very glad to have it in my life. But I also know that it is a complication that will make it hard for me to move on romantically in the coming few years. I am a strong woman. I lived alone for a long time before I met him and always said I would rather have no man than have one I didn’t love and see myself with for the rest of my life. I have no fear that I can raise my child alone – I just don’t want to.
The loss of the dream of what the future held is enormously devastating for me.
Only my parents, his parents (who are utterly useless) and one good friend. know about this. Should I keep it this way for now?
I think I have rambled on for long enough ….
How does one decide when to walk away?
Hi everyone,
I felt compelled to write on here, as i have been through the worst breakup- Beatrice it sounds exactly like what you are going through, not feeling good enough, that you will never get anyone as good that he was The One etc and now (albeit 3 years later) I can honestly say I am happy we broke up and am glad I met my previous boyfriend. Hold in there don’t do anything drastic and the torment will go away!! Promise.
xx
Audrey,
you really are at the point where you look back and you’re just happy that you met your ex? after all the grief and sadness, you are not at a point where you look back and are just happy at the memories/thoughts?
gosh–i cant even imagine the day when i look back at my previous relationship and am happy at the thoughts as opposed to being sad that it didnt work out.
Emma Kate: have you read the Cyber Cheating post from yesterday?
Emma Kate,
A book called Lonely All the Time helped me years ago. It’s about sex addiciton — all kinds. It addresses the addict, but importantly, for us, it addresses the significant others. Very compassionate and informative.
More information may help you make your decision. Hoping you’re getting plenty care and support. Take care of you and the baby.
Susan and Seeif,
thank you for your responses. I have read the cyber cheating post from yesterday and it really helped me on this journey of discovery and understanding that I am on. It prompted me to email my husband and acknowledge to him that his attitude – which has been one of acceptance/ responsibility for his behaviour – is indicative that he really does want help. I can feel lucky for the small mercies – like that he doesn’t try to blame me, or our sex life or anyone else to justify his behaviour. I also really identify with the motto : accept, change or move on. I think that is so wise and something I can use to work my own issues out.
Seeif: I will find this book. Interesting that the title refers to loneliness, because together with his psychologist my husband has identified fear of being alone as his greatest fear. I hope I can the book today!
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. It really does help to talk about it.
Kalo82- yes, i genuinely look back and sometimes smile at things we used to do together but I have no desire to go out with him again or even contact him. He is a friend on a social networking site, and I rarely, if ever, go on his page. It will happen, time fades all pain is what i believe. Keep being strong and one day you will be the same! Good luck x
This is a big help to me. However, I’m griefing to the max right now,feelings of hopelessness,despair,etc. my stomach is in knots, my heart is skipping beats and i don’t know what to do. My wife of 23 years of marriage, has decided not to leave right away,she’s going to wait another 6 weeks(june ist) which i think it’s harder on me to wait that long. I kinda wish she would hurry up and leave right away so i could start the healing proccess.
Hi all, great site, wish I had found it about 10days ago! hehe. I moved to Denmark with my girlfriend 8 mths ago. We were together in the US for 3yrs first and it worked really well. When she went home for 6mths we stayed together, and when she returned for 1 more yr, the fun wasn’t really there anymore, as she always said she wanted to live in her country. After a another year I moved over 8mths ago and it was hard moving away though I did love her. I think the whole time here was hard until I started making english speaking friends, but I wasn’t very emotionally available to her due to feeling worthless in another country and I knew this but couldn’t change the way I was with her. Of course I knew this was headed one way, but when she broke it off 10 days ago I was lost. I now live in the apartment and she has moved back with friends. She is out partying everynight now and I’m stuck in an apartment with all of her furniture and no one to talk with. I have a contract with work for 2more mths before I can head home…… welcome to my personal hell. I do regret not doing the right things, than she calls or sms’s everyday telling me she is so sorry and that she loves me and it’s just the situation, bla bla we have all heard it.. I find myself having waves of good hrs then really bad hrs, haven’t eaten more than 1 meal a day. etc…
After reading this post, I am now going to start day 1 and deal with my pain by myself. I suppose just writing this helps. I wish everyone the best.
Maybe I will get more than 4hrs sleep tonight.
Hi So alone, Welcome to the blog. If it’s any consolation you are in the right place. I don’t know what I would have done without the wisdom posted here.
The waves of good and bad I can agree with. I am recycling horrendously today. I am almost 5 weeks broken up and NC, except for seeing him at work, but today I feel as bad as I did in the beginning. It does help, a bit, to know it’s just part of the process. I do feel so alone, so miserable, and so down though. I’ve just returned from a work group session where I had to see him yet again, and it tears me up every time. But today in particular. The smallest things hurt like knives; the way he ran off as fast as possible when it was over, like he couldn’t bear even being in the same room as me. It hurts so much, it’s quite unbearable. I totally get on an intellectual level now that I’ve done some of the work that he’s clearly not the right one for me. But it;s sooo hard to accept, I want him to be the right one, I believed he was and I am still so in love with him. I can hardly stand it. Sorry to be so negative, but right now it’s very hard to see any decent end in sight when I have to see him so often. I hate him and love him at the same time. I am so hurt that he hasn’t even tried to contact me once – I know I should be happy about this, that a lot fo advice given here is don’t respond to your ex, don’t answer their calls, texts etc etc etc, but God, my ex is so xxxxing over me he hasn’t even bothered to try and contact me once. I would have liked the opportunity to ignore his calls at least. I hate and love him. I feel like I’m going mad tonight :-(
So alone, you’re not alone as long as you log on here! What a horrible situation, I feel for you.
Beatrice, I still don’t know how you do it. I completely understand why you recycle after having to see him. Especially with all the insight you’ve been developing, it has to be hard to reconcile what you know in your head vs how your heart feels. I have been 100% NC, and I credit that for my progress. But when someone tells me something about my ex (unsolicited always) my heart races as if he were in the room. I have no desire to contact him, but it’s a physical/instinctual reaction. And I share that ‘I don’t want him to but why won’t he contact me and beg’ thing. Ugh. We’ll get there.
EXACTLY Newday – as you say that’s exactly it – I cannot match what I know in my head with how my heart feels. Yes, when I’m with him in a room or even suspect he’s around (I can FEEL it when he is), my heart races, palms sweaty, feel nauseous etc. Spent most of this afternoon with him again in a group and just don’t know how to move on. I feel I want him so much but know, totally know I shouldn’t. The only thing is the frequency of these group sessions will die down slightly in July and August, so maybe then my heart will catch up with my head, or at least start laying a strong foundation. As you say, we’ll get there. I hope. Thanks for your response, it’s good to know that what is happening is really making it extra hard and that it’s not just me falling apart. I feel like tackling him – I know it’s not recommended, but he’s getting off scot free! How long are you NC? If your ex did contact you sometime in the future, would you ignore or answer?
Beatrice,
Totally understand the feeling of wishing that they would try to contact us so that we could ignore their calls. But I have come to understand this emotion is about wanting to be wanted which boils down to co-dependency and abandonment issues and how awful rejection really is.
But I also know these reactions by us are chemically induced. Its like we need a “love fix” and when we get it, we are temporarily soothed until they are gone again and we go through withdrawals until the next fix.
gotta work hard at breaking the cycle and keep telling yourself it isn’t this person. The extent of your pain isn’t representative of the extent of your love. Its all brain chemistry.
I tell myself this all the time….some days it works, some it doesn’t but I do see progress so I keep working at it. Like I’ve said before, I keep cycling through the grief process and sometimes I think “Im done–Great! and then I have another day where I want a dirt nap.
But (here is the really good news)……In the beginning I was crying everyday and almost all day. Then when I would see him at work I would break down and cry…..most fo the day, etc. Now, I hardly cry….ever! And I find I am not thinking about him 24/7 (admitedly, some days more than others but not all day everyday).
So, Beatrice, you WILL get better! You WILL!!!!!!
Hi all,
I’ve been recycling big time in the last few days. Today it’s been 9 weeks since my break-up (all NC), and I’m feeling so lonely, missing him, missing just hanging out and being in a relationship, missing all of it… and incredulous at the fact that he hasn’t been in touch in all these weeks, cos I can’t help wishing and hoping that he’ll come back and salve the acute, soul-piercing rejection that I feel.
I had quite a happy week or so, and then in the last few days I feel plunged into feeling just as awful as when the break-up first happened and those early weeks… not sleeping well, feeling like I’m on another planet. I woke up in the middle of the night last night cos I’d had a very long and vivid nigtmare about our break-up conversation (except it wasn’t our actual break-up conversation, but an even more horrible one), it felt so real and I woke up and just burst into tears…
Question: Is it “normal” to recycle so strongly?
I’ve started reading the Susan Anderson book which a few people recommended on here, which will hopefully help….
And please, someone, tell me it will get better…
Hi Sunshine, maybe there’s something in the air as that’s where I am too after almost 5 weeks NC. I feel what you describe. Sorry to hear that you are feeling so sad. From what I’ve read here and elsewhere (including the book you mention) yes, it is normal to recycle so strongly in the early weeks and months but apparently the recycling gets less frequent and less intense over time. How much time though? It’s not fun, I’ll give you that. I’ve just relied heavily on my friends the last few days but I am beginning to think they must dread hearing from me at this stage as I;m such a misery guts. I try not to be but find I’m completely obsessed with what, why, how, what if blah blah. Here’s to moving in to a different gear. The question is how to get the heart to move to where the head is …
Thanks for the encouragement Nese. Interesting your thought that wanting them to call so you can ignore them is related to wanting to feel wanted and co-dependency, abandonment etc. I agree, and am 100% in agreement about how awful rejection is. I got back from work yesterday, having had to spend 4 hours in agroup with my ex, that was bad enough but when I got home I realised there’d been an attempted break-in. I was shocked and scared and it finished me off in terms of huge emotional response. After the police etc. had left, I had such a huge sense of loss, of being alone, of being scared, of having no one, for the time, to be there with me, for me, to comfort me after something awful had happened. I don’t think I ever felt as alone as I did last night. It really hit home. This is it. Just me.
Interesting your thoughts re. a love fix and chemicals … Susan Anderson in her book talks about that too. Helps to know it I guess. I like your line about extent of pain does not equal extent of love. Again I can accept it mentally but the old emotions are trailing way behind and just keep on shouting back ‘we’re not fooled!!, we do really love him’
Great to hear though that you have seen clear progress in yourself, from the crying all the time every day (check), to the crying most days, to hardly ever crying. Great progress. I am still stuck on every day but some days it’s down to once or twice. That’s progress. On days I see him there are usually big episodes. But it’s great to hear you see progress over time. There is hope! Thanks for that
Beatrice, if I didn’t know better I would think you were me….yes, I was miserable at work, looked bad, no hiding it. Then I started to look/feel better only to re-cycle and have bad days or moments.
would wake up every morning at 1:30am and ruminate about him until it ws time to get up for work at 6am. Averaging only 3 hours sleep per night. No appetite, etc.
Guess it isn’t uncommon.
And yes, those stupid old emotions keep playing with our sanity….knowing, logically, what is going on but emotionally not being strong enough to push those bad thoughts away and getting on with our lives.
Everything we read and Susan has said is true. We can get through it and it is a process…..I just am so impatient!
I wish you happiness and peace….soon! I send you hugs….you aren’t alone. We are all in this together and daily we help each other. Thanks for helping me!
Beatrice, I’m so sorry about the attempted break-in. You deserve something really good to happen to you after all this mess!
To answer your question – four weeks NC tomorrow. Which was the minimum window I gave him to not contact me. What would I do if he contacted me? Every time I think of it, I come up with a different answer. :) Sometimes I ignore it, sometimes I tell him off, sometimes I wish him well. Ha.
He’s moving far away this summer (which was the ‘official’ reason for the breakup….though in retrospect it needed to happen anyway). So, I kind of assume I will hear from him before he goes or when he gets where he’s going. I’d like to wish him well, but I have nothing really to say to him. And I certainly don’t need to hear him bragging about his new life. Plus during one of my ‘heart racing’ experiences this week I found out he’s lying to my friends about who did the breaking up (“I am not sure why she stopped talking to me, I wanted to keep our relationship going long distance”). Argh. Maybe to make himself look less like the bad guy, maybe to do me a favor, god only knows. But that also threw me off for a bit as it is so far from the unequivocal ‘you are not the one’ conversation we actually had. You’d think that alone would make my response to him be silence, right?? Again, for you and Nese, I simply can’t fathom facing him every day, or even periodically, at work. Yuck.
On a related note, I am wondering if Kalo82 is out there…she got an email from her ex and was going to sit on it for a couple of days. Kalo??
Sunshine – feel better! Anderson’s book will help you a lot, I am sure of it.
Hi Newday, certainly sounds like he doesn’t want to be painted as the bad guy. I mean, if when you split up he said it was because you were not the one, for him now to be telling people he’s confused as to why you’re not in contact and how he’d hoped to maintain his relationship with you long distance – what an outright lie! I’m sure it wasn’t meant as a favour to you. My God. He sounds a bit like my ex, desperate for people to believe that he is Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Perfect and total people pleaser. I don’t know waht you should do, did you tell your friend that what your ex said certainly wasn’t true? I’d be tempted to jump in and put the person striaght. Though I know you shouldn’t probably, I;d say people here and Susan would recommend retaining a dignified silence. Tough one. At least though he will be gone in the near future, I’d definitely be better able to move on if my ex wasn’t around me the whole time. Does your fancy company by any chance (would he bring my ex with him???!!). Could we send all our exes off together to drive each other insane?
hey Newday,
Thanks for thinking of me.
i’m around. i decided to agree to see the ex, but on my terms and on my time…and that means in a couple of weeks. i have the GRE coming up and i dont need any more distractions. i am proud of myself for having that resistance to wait and make him wait to talk to me. it’s just an example of how far i’ve come. if this happened a month or so ago, maybe i would have agreed to meet him right away.
i need the next few weeks to prepare myself for all the possible outcomes and to set my boundaries.
he was a good guy. he just wasnt ready for a commiment. it sounds like i am making excuses for him…mabye i am.
but i know i am a much stronger person now and i wont put myself in a position to get hurt again…at least i feel that i am capable of that.
but i do want to give him the opportunity/chance to let me know his feelings/thoughts at the time. he was never one to really express his emotions–which is why i was surprised to hear from him and hear him say that he wants to talk to me b/c he believes he can give me a better understanding of what was going through his head at the time. i feel like i want to give him that chance. we were together for 4 years…a great 4 years…
so that’s my situation now. but i’ve still got my head on tight and my feet are firm to the ground. i’ve journaled some, but i’m also just taking it easy and studying and hanging out with friends (in fact, i am going out of town for a day-trip!)—so far no major distractions (i.e. thinking about him and what he wants to say, etc…surprisingly!)
Beatrice,
I like that phrase “signified silence”
My friend once told me that guys respond to No Contact. I didnt believe her at the time…but boy, was it true for me. My ex contacted me after nearly a month of total NC from me. I was surprised…but I guess he was shocked to not hear from me…b/c i was always the one who came back and wanted to work things out when we had arguements.
oops..i meant “Dignified silence”
waannnnn… Now I feel like whining so much! If there is any contact between X and me, I WANT it from him. Because, just like you kalo82, I always went crawling back to him. But naaa… How can I expect it from a guy who was willing to throw 5 years of togetherness out of window and get engaged to another girl within a week of break-up? And yet… since we still haven’t separated the stuff, there is bound to be another contact. This time around I WANT it from him. But guess what… about 7 and half weeks since breakup and complete NC, he hasn’t called, reason being obvious…
It’s incidents like these that just keep that false hope burning in the mind, you know…GOSH.. ENOUGH OF IT ALREADY.. and yet I know I am going to have that cigar butt still smoking at the back of my mind. The problem is, the back of my mind and its front are separated by lightyears. It really takes years for the information at the front to penetrate to the back. I need a warp, a wormhole in my mind’s spacetime that would get me there in a snap….
Sorry about your break-in Beatrice, you poor thing, you really didn’t need that… I hope you’re feeling a bit more settled. I had another dream about the ex last night, that he got in touch with my mum and sister.
Am going out with friends tonight, I know what you mean about feeling like a real misery guts (not that I often am really)… I’m out with my best friend and his boyfriend tonight, I was hoping his bf wouldn’t come along to be honest, cos I’m finding it hard being round happy couples at the mo :-/ Will see how it goes… Best wishes to all… and Newday, I’ll continue with the Anderson book, thanks x
Kalo, good for you! You should definitely put yourself and your priorities first now. I’m sure you surprised him by not agreeing to meet right away. He can hold on to whatever those thoughts were until you are ready to hear them!
Beatrice, what a fantastic idea. I would love to see all these guys stuck together with only each other’s company. Imagine all the selfishness, they would drive each other bonkers! I was weak, I set my friend straight – but only because she’s been my friend for much longer, is about twenty years older (and wiser) and she had heard this from another friend. I gave her my story and then asked her not to disclose it to friend #2. So we’ll see. You’re so right – it’s just a big lie and I need to forget about it.
Sunshine, yeah the happy couple factor I had forgotten about until the other night when I went out with a couple and two of my attached friends. Talk turned to couple-life things. I know they all weren’t even aware of it, and of course until a month ago I was right in that conversation with them. I just wanted to stand up and walk out, it made me so sad. I hope you still had a good time tonight.
I found this blog sometime last month and it helped me immensely then. For me personally, it has only been 1 month since the official “BREAK UP”–but to tell you the truth, I feel as though my relationship started really dying as far back as December. I have started doing a lot of reading. Buddhist books have been helping me the most… if you’re interested try Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. I guess my quest toward a gentle spirituality and comfort from books are the best things I have gotten out of all this. This blog taught me that NC actually had a name. I was successful at it for about 7 days, and then I broke it. I learned (of course) that contact just brings about more unhappiness. When the person who was your lover and best friend all of the sudden won’t return your calls it absolutely destroys you. You compare it to the time when you were dating—when he/she would call you at any time in the middle of the night, and you didn’t care how late you were kept up by the conversation–it was the attention and excitement of the beginning and you couldn’t believe it was happening to you! Now, it’s just a rarity, or it’s business related to tying up the loose ends. UGH!
So here I am–moved out of the house we shared, trying to start over. (He moved here to be with me! And now he doesn’t need me anymore!)
All I can do is read books, do yoga, pick myself up and go back to NC, and thankfully read the posts from people on this blog. And remember always that I am not alone! Impermanence is a fact of life. And life is a cycle. For all the pain we are experiencing now, we have to remember that we will come out of it stronger. Be faithful to yourselves. Love yourselves. Honor your hearts. And stick to NC! It’s the only way to get any work done!
Hey all,
Newday, I did have a nice evening as it happened. My happy couple friends were very sensitive to me (I’d warned them beforehand that I’ve been feeling really low in the last few days), and that was lovely. When the conversation turned to weddings, I politely asked if we could not talk about that as I might cry! I can imagine the scenario you described being very challenging and upsetting – a whole group of happy couples – what fun! :-|
The Susan Anderson book is fantastic, I’m about halfway through. It’s so reassuring to know that these feelings (esp. the rejection and searching and deep sense of loss) are normal and why they occur from a biochemical point of view. You know the thing she says about one’s ex having been a key source of “background security” – that really struck a chord – I’ve been so aware of that backdrop of security just having vanished, and have been feeling so alone in the last few days even as I walk around just doing whatever. It makes sense now. I feel like Linus without his security blanket!
RenoZEN,
Sorry to hear of your woes with your ex. It’s good you’ve gone NC :-) I’ve really been getting into Buddhist teachings too, inc meditating daily, I agree that it’s very helpful. Have you read the book I mentioned above? If not, do invest in a copy. In fact one of the steps to Recovery is about living in the moment, mindfulness, which as you know is a key Buddhist tenet.
Have a good Monday everyone (or try to – you know what I mean!). Good vibes to you all.
Beatrice, I forgot to say, I hope you’re feeling a bit better today. It’s such an effort isn’t it?! I think I’m feeling a bit better today (finally!). Am having a nice evening at home this eve, just me – and my “Littlley” (ref: the Anderson book!) – bath, sofa, popcorn, DVD of Donnie Brasco… Hope to cheer myself up a bit in time for work tomorrow (I was all over the place last week). Hope you’re OK. Thinking of you.
Thanks Sunshine, so sweet to hear someone is thinking of me! I am really glad to hear that you are feeling somewhat better, and your planned evening sounds really lovely. I’m much the same as I was to be honest, and steeling myself for seeing my ex for the next three days in a row. Am finding it very tough, but have to keep going, what’s the alternative. If only my heart would catch up with my head. Know it’s the same for us all. Strength to all!
Sunshine,
I also started with the Susan Anderson book last week. The “background person” idea was also one where I could identify fully: although my ex and I saw each other only during the weekends (I travel regularly for work) and talked only for a few minutes daily, the thing I missed the most was knowing that there was SOMEONE there to think of me, to worry about me, and to come back to after a stressful week or a new adventure. Loved the “Linus without the blanket” analogy :).
Greetings & a good week to everyone!!
Dear all,
Beatrice, you are very brave, even if you don’t feel like that very much at the moment. We will all be rooting for you in those meetings in the next few days. I know you said it’s not possible, but have you considered the option of moving jobs if necessary? Sending you good vibes…
MissyG,
I can empathise totally… my ex and I used to see each other one evening during the week and one or both days on the weekend usually… And I really miss knowing/feeling like someone somewhere is thinking of me, that I’m special to them… I miss receiving his texts once or twice a day, and chatting to him on the phone, and having someone special to send texts to aswell… It’s so painful… Also, I look forward to the weekends but when Friday evening arrives I just have this feeling of loneliness… At least, by reading the book and this blog, we know that it’s normal, and that we’re not the only ones going through it… Take good care my fellow-Linus :-)
It’s so interesting that you all are picking up on that “background person” thing.
It resounded with me too.
I’m in a city relatively far from family…He stood in for them.
What do you all think? Do we get attached to people who act as background people for us more strongly because we live in a modern world where we move for jobs?
Newday,
It’s so funny we’re guessing what Susan would say… but I don’t know if it’s “dignified silence”. Dignified, yes. But I tend to think Susan likes to put the record straight…! (Could we not believe that! Check out her ‘Too Bad Too Sad” type postings if you don’t know what I mean).
A short, calm, dignified, to the point statement of your reality would probably work, phrased the way you want to phrase it.
Susan?
Hi all,
The Susan Anderson book is really ringing bells for me in places. I was reading last night what she says about attraction during the ‘lifting’ stage, and how people who are emotionally damaged from their childhoods may conceptualise and experience attraction as fear and in a sense vice versa. She said that we can mistake fear and emotional hunger as intense attraction. This rang a huge bell for me. It links back to a post I made on some other page where we were talking being blinded by pixie dust, for me, that’s being blinded by the attraction I feel. I was worried that one could only be that attracted to the wrong sort, in other words, that I wouldn’t feel that level or type of attraction for any ‘good’ guy. But from what she says in the book, this type of attraction (the intense, passionate, I will die without you, can’t believe you’re with me, make me feel dizzy, nauseous in a strange way, hyper excited, on cloud nine etc etc etc) is not neither good nor normal. Susan Anderson says it’s really our hackles rising warning us that this person could hurt us badly as they have different emotional issues, but we recognise fear and potential for serious hurt as major attraction and love.
I totally get this. And it has been somewhat of a revelation to me, though I have suspected this a few times. BUT, and here’s the thing:
1. Is she sure? What do you guys think? I WANT to feel that level of attraction for my partner!!!!!!!! (Is this my problem?)
2. That intense attraction for me is vital – if it’s not there, I feel nothing and am not interested. I have tried being with someone for whom I did not feel that – deliberately, for years and years and tried and tried and tried to make it work – but should have listened to myself all along – no attraction = no point.
3. Seriously – for those of you in healthy and happy relationships – was this major attraction never there? Is feeling this level of major attraction for someone really a bad thing? Really always a bad thing? How can we be sure?
I’m sooooo confused.
What’s ‘normal’ to feel in terms of ‘good’ attraction? How can one differentiate between ‘good’ ‘normal’ attraction and ‘bad’ ‘warning’ attraction? Help please Susan and others!
I’m scared that next time, if there is a next time, I will do what I did last time – i.e. go the opposite way and pick someone ‘good’ but someone I know can’t hurt me, as I am not hugely attracted to them. I know you’ll probably say, choose a middle ground, not extremes, but if one has never experienced normal how can one recognise it?
I’ve only ever felt this level of attraction twice in my life – once for a very bad for me ex years and years ago, and now with this ex.
Frustrating …
Hi Sunshine,
Brave I’m not, well not feeling it anyway. Thanks so much for all the ongoing support. Nope, moving jobs is not going to happen, I worked for years to get this particular one, it’s my dream job, and there are very, very few of them in my country. Not an option. If anyone is leaving, it will be him.
He looked through me today at our day long meeting like I was invisible. Then legged it afterwards like there was a fire chasing his ass. I’m sure he’s breathing a sigh of relief that I’m ‘behaving’ so well at work and that he’s not getting any grief or hassle. I feel like he’s getting away with it all though! I want to make him feel bad, I want to make him feel a little bit of the devastation that I feel. I know, there’s no point, rise above it, don’t engage, And I won’t.
We haven’t yet bumped into one another on a one on one basis. What do you think would be best to do when that happens: completely ignore even if he says hi, or say hi and keep walking. I go between the two in my head but need to decide, unless I know what I’ll do, I could end up doing anything. I also considered stopping briefly, looking him straight in the eye, and saying ‘I have absolutely nothing to say to you’, and walking off.
You see, this is why they say NC … I can see it all now. Here is I ranting on about him, seeing him, how he feels, what I will do/won’t do next time I see him, and instead I should be trying to move on. Instead I’m stuck in his head, crying cause he hasn’t contacted me and clearly has moved on. Jeeeeez.
Beatrice, I have felt very very attracted to guys who were good for me- and in those cases, it was attraction that was a teeny tiny bit possible at the beginning, and then developed as I got to know that person. The attraction that developed over time was very satisfying and great.
Then, there is my last X and one of the guys who I met a month after (and was kind of acting out). For those guys, I felt an intense drug-shooting type of feeling. With my X, it felt like “home” (uh-oh), which I took to be good at the time, and the chemistry was huge even on our first date (and it short-circuited my usual route, which is to take it easy and not jump into anything). With Mr. Post-X, I knew he was trouble, was aware something wasn’t right (warning Will Robinson!) and was strangely aware-yet-still-kissed-him-in-a-bar (not my style! Talk about undignified!). (Yah, acting out.)
I realized that I felt drunk (had only drunk water) and that he was going right to my head. We ended up together for part of that evening (no big things happened thank goodness for keeping my head) and then, guess what? He didn’t call. No big surprise. But with my knowledge of him now and from what I had talked to him before about, I realize that he is *actually a worse mess than my X*.
So, I think chemistry is probably specific for each one of us, like snowflakes- yet still having the same number of points. That intense super-attraction though not even knowing a person…maybe not so good. I’m not sure if it would be different if we’ve done all our work. Would that attraction still be there? Maybe it would be mostly gone. Or maybe it would be like my Mr. Post-X. You can feel the attraction, but know it’s just like sweet-rot-your-teeth candy; not fulfilling, unhealthy, gonna hurt you in the end.
Anyway, as much as a ride as that just-met-you-oh-my-gosh-what-a-feeling feeling is, it’s been my experience that the little bit of liking followed by getting to know someone and developing a good friendship and relationship can develop into something that’s much more satisfying and energizing.
P.S. I mean a little bit of chemical attraction- not just liking.
I think it’s a mistake to get into a relationship with a person for whom there is absolutely no spark.
Hello all. I’ve really been thinking about your questions about chemistry/attraction Beatrice, and I would like to think that as Serenity suggests, once we have done all our work, things will be different?
I’ve been reading Women Who Love Too Much, and have been blown away by it. Norwood discusses those dizzying sparks of attraction, and how they are usually not present in the men who would be good for us (they are ‘nice’ and dropped or relegated to just being a friend, because we *just aren’t feeling it* ) but are this enormous, addictive emotional charge with the dangerous men because of what they represent to us: if we are women (or men, sorry)who love too much, we are people who have unhealthy ways of relating due to our pasts, which we unconsciously wish to grapple with somehow:
‘It is this thrilling possibility of righting old wrongs, winning lost love, and gaining witheld approval that, for women who love too much, is the unconscious chemistry behind falling in love.’ (p.111)
I am thinking and hoping that once we have worked through our issues, losses…stuff, and got emotionally healthy, those to whom we are attracted will naturally change too, so that it isn’t so much the case that we won’t *feel* the sparks… we will just feel them in more healthy ways with more healthy, satisfying people…the people that right now, pre-recovery, seem ‘nice’ but unintersting to us. Like you, I don’t want to *not feel* chemistry and sparks and passion…and it is confusing to wonder if getting healthier will involve losing this completely. I’ve never tried to be with anyone without The Sparks, but then I’ve only ever had very dysfunctional relationships. I am really holding out hope that recovery from my patterns will mean a whole new experience of who/what is attractive.
Beatrice,
I’m not sure whether you’re best ignoring him if you bump into him 1:1, or whether it might be best to says something short and sweet… You need to decide what feels “better” for you, and something that will preclude the possibility of you getting into some sort of exchange with him. Personally I think I’d either opt for “Hi” but nothing beyond that, or just ignore him completely… but that’s just me…
As for the attraction thing, I know I need and want to be with someone I find attractive – both physically and in terms of their personality and what they’re about… a balance. Like you, I’ve been in a couple of relationships in the past where I didn’t really fancy them, and tried to make it work, but ultimately broke their hearts, and I’m sure I don’t want to put myself or anyone else through that again. I am with Serenity on this, I think and hope that after working through our issues, we’ll be able to be with a man we feel attracted to, but without the blindness to flaws and red flags, so that we’ll find someone who’s sufficiently attractive AND the right kind of healthy, loving person. That’s my belief. Take care.
*I meant that I’m with Serenity and little wing on this… :-)
I dated my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years before he decided that he wanted to break up with me. It actually happened the day after we came back from a vacation, that he wasn’t very nice to me on, which made me mad, which caused him stress. Also, his mother had a role in us breaking up because she has been telling him for years to never marry me and to break up with me.
Anyway, I have been going through the stages of grief. The breakup happened 1 month ago. I have been in one stage, moved to the next stage, and back in the first stage again. I keep wanting to contact him, but I don’t. Apparently he told someone that he won’t contact me because it will still be too hard on me, which I think he is a coward and it would be hard on him too. I keep picturing when we broke up, the tears in his eyes (he never cries), and all of the fun times that we had together. But then I try to remind myself of the times he mistreated me and how everyone, including his friends, say that he is a horrible boyfriend. I keep trying to think of ways to change this situation and to make it better with him, but then I realize that he is never coming back. I just feel that I am in many different stages of grief and I want it to end, but I don’t know if I can move on.
Welcome Suzanne….I’m at the same stage as you (one month in, lots of back and forth on the grief stages). Here’s what I think about the stupid stuff he’s saying to people: reject the rejecter. It sounds like you’re in a better place, and he’s doing you a big favor by ’sparing’ your feelings. Be strong with the NC, I’ve been doing my best and it’s worked. I know that you want the grief to end, I do too. It will, you can move on, keep reading the great posts here. You can do this.
Hello Suzanne…loss sucks.
I had a vacation experience strangely reminiscent of yours once…he totally changed personalities on me…I guess the ‘honeymoon’ phase was over then.
It feels as if what you’re going through is all-consuming, doesn’t it? Sigh. It was awful for me. But you will start moving through it, especially if you do the work. It sounds as if your mind is working on it too…not just dwelling on the good things, but realizing some of the red flags. That’s a positive thing- some people get stuck on one side or the other.
I have a posting about some steps to take on the “Having Your Built-In Forgetter Removed” post that I got from a good website. It might help you a bit with what you’re dealing with.
As soon as you feel up for it, many people here have found worth in doing the “Relationship Inventory” and “Life Inventory” here to start making sense of what happened and what was going on in the relationship in terms of ourselves. Just put those terms in the search box.
You are not alone!
Be proud of yourself for going NC.
Thinking good thoughts for you.
Take care of yourself.
So…wat makes a heart tick?
What happen today has made me realize that good things don’t happen to people who wait.
How many ppl do u think wake up today and say ” My goal today is to make somebody’s life miserable!” Well i don’t wish for bad things to happen to other ppl especially ppl i luv bt it makes me wonder if they fill the same for me?
Imagine being in a relationship wit someone u really really think is somebody u could end up spending the rest of ure life with and then wake up 1 day and it’s over.
Obviously u start asking ureself if uve done something wrong? Could it be something u said, something u didn’t say or something u didnt do, all sorts of questions start running thru ure head.
And than u realize the other party could have just bump their head while they were sleeping?!
Or worst, they could have just been pretending to wanna be wit you and pretending to luv u while u both in a relationship. But of course reasonably speaking, ppl in general dont do that. Logically it dont make sense! Well unless of course, they say it to ure face!Or in this instance on MSN!
Now im no angel. I may during my time, done things im not proud off. But i have luv whole heartedly, given all i can give and endure as much pain as i can take. Does that mean i deserve someone to do and feel the same for me? Maybe not.
But do i deserve to get dump on MSN?? I think NOT!
Well on the bright side at least its not a letter thru the pigeons or i’ll only know abt the breakup 3 days later!!
U said its not not me its u.
U said uve been keeping it at long time.
U said u luv me but dont see us together.
U said nothing last 4ever.
So how do u slp wit someone u dont luv?
How do look them in the eye and say ‘I Luv u’?
How do u hold them, kiss them and squeeze them wen u dont see a future wit them?
How do u go for vacations and spent time wit them?
How do u even plan ure future wit them!
Well i guez those are question that i will have no answers to.
So..wat makes the heart tick?…I havent e slightest clue
But…i know wat makes the heart stop.
Ezy,
Yes, you deserve a lot more respect. I have little respect for people who break up virtually. I think there was just something in the entertainment news about a celebrity couple, and the guy is now famous for breaking up by texting. That type of stuff really is cowardly. And unfair. And definitely a big sign that tells you about someone’s character.
In the search box, you might want to put these posting titles:
“Unequivocably Dumped”
“You’re Not Who I Thought You Were”
Keep on reading through all the past postings.
Have compassion for yourself.
Take care of yourself.
I’m still struggling with the breakup with my ex-girlfriend. We had known each other for like 5 1/2 years before we met, and things happened and we got together. We had a great time, but it only lasted for like 2 1/2 months. It doesn’t sound so long, and it wasn’t. But nevertheless, I loved the girl. She was fantastic. And the time we had was the best I’ve had with anyone. Then one night, without warning, I was told she didn’t feel the same and that it didn’t feel right anymore and it was over. It was a complete shock, a slap in the face and a stab in the heart. Just a week earlier we had yet another wonderful weekend together, then the next it’s gone.
I cried every single day, for several hours. At home, at work, at the shop, anywhere and anytime. It’s been 3 1/2 months now, and we’ve completely shut off contact to make the breakup easier. I still miss her greatly and I can still break down without warning. But it’s getting easier, and I feel lighter.
I think the advices on this page was just fantastic, and they described in great deal how I’ve felt these last 3 months, and how I’ve worked myself through the sorrow and pain.
I look forward to the day I don’t feel any sorrow for her anymore when I can think back at the time we had and smile instead of cry, but the road there is so long and brutal, and the burden of carrying memories and feelings alone is some of the heaviest anyone can bear.
im still in the first phase, is a very unclear break up, we are avoiding the reality but i cant sleep, i cant eat, i cant stop feeling the pain deep inside me, we just need to say “its over” but i cant…and seems he cant…and its terrible, but find this post was very important for me, to see that what im going through is normal and i will be ok, i need to convince myself i will be ok to be able to stop this hell and make my grief process…thanks for this encouraging words that bring light to this darkness in my way
Hi all – Question
It’s 6 weeks today since my break-up and NC and I have a question for you all and Susan. Overall I feel I’m making some progress, though very much of the one step forward two-three steps back variety. I am recyclling badly and regularly though know that this is part of the process. My question is, however, did many of you experience physical symptoms? I just feel my health has deteriorated so much, particularly in the past couple of weeks. Think I was numb etc for a while, but in the last couple of weeks I have felt like death physically – colds all the time, appalling skin – like a crazy hormonal teenager, pale and pasty, exhausted, cold, shaky, zero energy, bloodsho eyes (I know I am cyring a lot but even so!) migraines much worse, jeeez, I won’t bore you, but I just feel awful health-wise. I am sure emotions do affect us physically and maybe a delayed reaction due to initial shock and so forth – but I feel so crap I am wondering if this is normal. How have the rest of you felt physically in the weeks and months following your break-up? I am feeling really sorry for myself, I kind of feel, ok so my life has fallen apart, but now my body too? And, I am forcing myself to eat well, rest etc etc. My skin is so bad that I wouldn’t go out with friends last night and it was to be my first attempt at properly socialising since my break-up. Boy did I feel sorry for myself last night :-(
Hope the weekend is going better for all you guys. Just interested in hearing your experiences …
Hi Beatrice, I’m sorry you’re feeling so poorly. You and I are right at the same amount of time out from our breakups. I would say that I did have the normal exhaustion, not eating, etc. soon after. Physically I’ve felt pretty good for the past few weeks, but definitely more tired (probably from all the mental energy drain and a stressful job). You may want to talk to your doctor? The one thing I can say I still have is what I would describe as the opposite of the ‘glow of love.’ I remember when I first got together with my ex, all I heard was how great I looked, radiant etc. Now I know I just look ‘dull’ (and I don’t think this is a self image thing, I believe I read about the physiological causes – maybe in Anderson’s book) b/c I have been feeling so drawn and blah and you can definitely see it in my face. Not much of a glow right now. Which doesn’t help the whole state of my emotions! It guess it’s a vicious cycle.
Hope you feel better soon. Do check in with a medical professional, maybe they can recommend something….
Thanks for the advice Newday. Will check with my doctor, am sure it’s probably just stress and being run down.
I totally know what you mean about the ‘dull’ look though – underneath the awful skin there is that blank, drawn, empty sickly look on me. I too had lots of people saying to me when I was with my ex that I looked well, I felt I glowed too! I was always smiling, from the inside out. Now it’s like crying from the inside out. It just feels so unfair to look so awful on top of everything else!
How are you feeling otherwise Newday? It’s a tough new world to get used to eh?
It sure is! I know you’ve said before that this is your first time being really single. I’ve been single for long periods before, and quite honestly always felt like I was searching for something. So to have my ’security blanket’ and be happy for (most of) the past few years was something I treasured, perhaps especially because I know how hard it is to find a good guy. Now I am back in a familiar place, but not somewhere I ever cared to be. I’m taking a lot from Susan and the other posters about getting happy, TRULY happy with myself and not be in a constant waiting mode for someone to come along. I have to train myself in this way of thinking, though. I feel like I am coming out on the other side stronger. Thank you for asking! :)
Yes, it really is a case of training yourself to be and think a different way. Yes, first time being really single. Sometimes I think I’m still a bit in shock. Just variations on the old recycling though. I know I still have lots of work to do on myself as I have kind of realised that although I am not consciously desperate to have a partner and someone to love me, I think deep down I just might be crying out for this. The reason I say this is that – and I’m ashamed to admit it – eventhough I’m not interested in anyone else I noted that when two possibilities crossed my radar through work (have I not learned my lesson about mixing business and pleasure?!) my mind automatically thought – mmm, wonder is he single?, weighed each one up, and vaguely wondered about each one and what he would be like as a boyfriend – that’s nuts enough considering i am still in tears every day over my ex, etc etc, but then to my horror, last night I dreamt about being with one of them, nothing sexual but he was curled up around me, in kind of protective mode. I woke up disgusted as I could sense how desperate to get someone I must feel deep down – I don’t feel this that much on the surface, I recognise I seriously need to be alone and work on myself, but my sub-conscious is screaming for company it would appear. I defintiely think I’d be further on too if I didn’t have to face my ex at work so much, it’s a xxxxing nightmare. He had the cheek to give me a big smile and a big ‘Hi Beatrice” the last daty, while he was chatting to another colleague. He has point blank ignored me for 6 weeks at work and everywhere else, but all of a sudden chooses to do this – I’m sure to look like Mr. Nice Guy (bit like your ex). Anyway, i got such a fright, but I just said hi vaguely and then said my other colleague’s name. I don’t care if my ex perceived a snub.
I have yet to meet him one on one – but I know now that if he dares to speak to me I will not respond in any form.
Any word from your ex – I remember you said he wasn’t to contact you for at least 4 weeks???
Beatrice,
Sorry to hear you’re feeling physically low. I’m 10 weeks into NC, and in that time I’ve had a skin infection over much of my body (I never get stuff like that usually) for which I’ve needed an antibiotic cream, and I’ve not been sleeping that well some of the time… So I can empathise… Fortunately the spots have cleared up now. My Doc agreed that it was probably down to being run down from the stress of recent months.
Take good care, and I’m sure you still look lovely even if you don’t feel it, love and hugs x
I’m definitely not an expert but I think your reaction to other guys and your dreams are natural (ok, I’ll admit it – basically that same dream happened to me in the past couple of weeks, I kid you not!) I think it’s just the wrenching apart stage and wanting that closeness back that drives all these feelings of interest in someone else/tears for the ex. Though I have not cried in a few days and am pretty excited about that.
It sounds like you handled yourself really, really well when you bumped into him the other day. Congratulations! A long time back I dated a co-worker who took back his ex-wife of a year not long after we started dating (don’t even get me started on that!) and he acted just like yours is. Fortunately for me, I was on a short term assignment and was able to get out of there a few months down the road. But I had developed such strong feelings in a short period of time it was unbearable to go in every day and be ignored or smirked at in meetings or in the hall. Ugh, I feel for you, so sorry. But yes, let’s back away from the busines/pleasure mix! :)
Not a peep from my x. Not expecting it either at this point, which is good b/c my only urge at the moment is to lash out for lying about who dropped whom, which is so very unnecessary. Who really cares, right?
Sunshine, sorry to hear about your troubles as well. Glad you’re getting better! How’s the weekend for you?
Beatrice,
One problem that I ran into with the breakup is my adrenal glands- this is one of the most common problems of modern day. There are three levels of adrenal problems (this is what kicks in when you are stressed)- adrenal stress, adrenal fatigue, and adrenal exhaustion. I think I was in the fatigue state when my breakup happened, which made my physical symptoms very extreme. Of course, the breakup pushed me into fatigue. Now I’m dealing with other side effects of the adrenal issue- stress makes the levels of different minerals in your body screwy (for example the body starts holding onto sodium– my sodium levels are way too high now, and I don’t eat that much salt). If these elements get re-balanced, it helps the mental state too- I’ve noticed an effect for sure.
Anyway, breakups are stressful, and you might want to check out this idea with your doctor too. Just sleeping isn’t going to solve the problem.
Make sure to take extra B and C vitamins if you are feeling a lot of stress after a breakup— the body tears through those, and any extra you take in is naturally let out.
And Beatrice, I think your dream was really kinda nice! Wasn’t it a little like your *own* subconscious– not really a guy—comforting you? And maybe telling you that there is a potential for mutual nurturing with some person down the road in the future? Which I think is a nice thing, if it’s not a codependent nurturing.
Sunshine,
The skin is supposed to be the organ of emotions…
Serenity, I like that – the potential for mutual nurturing. Absolutely!
Hey Sunshine, Newday and Serenity,
Wow, fascinating stuff, from all of you.
Sorry to hear about the skin infection Sunshine, what a pain, talk about the last thing that you need right now. Great that it’s clearing up. I still look like a 14 year old hormonal boy; I’m horrifed :-( Looks like the skin really is the organ of emotions – didn’t know that Serenity, maybe that explains why I’ve always had poor skin, though what I have right now is off the scale. Interesting that re. the adrenals, yes, am popping lots of additional vitamins so hopefully things will start to kick in soon. What did you do Serenity to rebalance the elements – was it vitamins as you mentioned?
As for my dream, wow Newday I can’t believe you had the same one! Shows how much in common our feelings have in these difficult times. I also feel reassured that you think my vague considerings of other guys and so forth are normal – I am so not interested in them (need to move my heart away from my ex; it’s still parked with his), but I was disgusted with myself for apparently desperately scanning the universe, for somebody, anybody. I am glad to know that’s normal enough. Just as long as I don’t act on it. It is really lonely and I think you start to crave physical contact – wanting that closeness as you say Newday. And I like your way of looking at my dream Serenity – you’re right, I did feel comforted at first in the dream itself – before I felt disgusted at myself for feeling so needy and desperate. But you’re right, I think myabe I looked at it wrongly, maybe it was my own sub-sconscious comforting me; I really like that thought.
Newday – good to hear no word from your ex. He really is trying to be My. Nice Guy with all the lying about who broke up with whom. I understand your urge to lash out. In a group session last week, my ex was talking for a full 20 mins. I always loved the sound of his voice. Now it makes my heart race and makes me feel nauseous and … murderous! I had an Ally McBeal moment – having loooooaads of those – where (jn my head) I leaned across the table, grabbed him by the neck and strangled him – for not being who I thought/he said he was, for lying to me so much, for wanting to marry me one minute and dumping me the next. Instead of actually doing that I found myself glaring at him – I didn’t mean to, I’ve avoided all eye contact since the break-up – but he caught my eye and held it, and I continued to glare, cold and hard – I was transfixed, couldn’t help it – , and he continued to hold it. I think i the end he looked away first. I almost threw up. First eye contact. I might just add that he has in the past couple of weeks been promoted twice (above others who deserved it more) in our company and for a while there it looked like he was going to be my boss. It’s no wonder I am in bits physically! He dumps me, and gets promoted, twice. Sickening.
You are so right Newday, who cares, who cares, it doesn’t matter. This is my mantra, but I am still having trouble getting my heart to catch up with my head.
Can I ask you guys honestly, if your ex came back to you, full of apologies, promising the earth and you really believed him, would you consider it? I think I am gradually making progress on this, and I am pretty sure (80%?) that my answer would be ‘no way’. But there is always some doubt. I have never been as in love with someone before.
Happy Sunday to you all
Hey Beatrice, Newday and Serenity and everyone else,
Serenity, that’s so interesting about the skin being the organ of the emotions – like an outward sign of one’s inner turmoil.
And Beatrice, I’m sorry your skin’s so bad at the moment, do consider going to the doc. I had a wisdom tooth out a couple of weeks ago and it got infected afterwards, so for a few days my face had swelled out massively (or so it seemed to me) on one side, and I felt so self-conscious at work and just wherever… I really hope your skin clears up soon. Meanwhile it’s worth trying to remember that it probably looks far worse to you that it does to other people. I know how hard that can be though to remember.
About craving phsical intimacy, I went through that bigtime up until 3 or 4 weeks ago, it was just building and building. Plus I had this thing in my head about wanting to get some “distance” between me and my ex, and I guess there was more than a bit of me wanting to get back at him by being with someone else… Cos when we split up before, and he came back, that was one of the things he asked me – whether I’d been with anyone else in that time -which I hadn’t…but he said it’d kill him the thought of me being with another man… Plus, I just wanted to feel attractive to a man again after the rejection from my ex… So one evening a few weekends ago I ended up being physically intimate with a guy I vaguely know but who I really fancy. I’d had a fun evening with him, and it just felt nice at the time. I hardly thought about my ex that evening, although since then I’ve felt a lot of sadness and had the odd pang of “guilt” (which is ludicrous I know – cos it was my ex who walked away)… Interestingly enough, since that night, my sex drive has gone right down (I think Susan Anderson talks about that initial increase in libido, which then often tails off)… I guess I kinda got it out of my system (I’m not gonna be seeing the guy again I don’t think)… and now I feel more ready to just settle into doing my grief work and being with me and with friends etc… not that I’m advocating everyone else doing that kind of thing! It just felt right to me at the time, cos he was someone I’ve liked and fancied for a few months.
About your question, Beatrice, if my ex came back full of apologies and promising the world… Like you, I was totally in love with him, I’ve never felt anything like it, and I still love him now, I think I always will, although the being “in love” thing is fading fast! If he came back now or in the next few months (which I very much doubt), I would almost definitely tell him to go off and think about it hard for a few months, and then come back if he still felt the same way a few months later… Cos, like you, we split up once before, then he came back, but then just a month later his doubts resurfaced… so he has really, really, massively broken my trust – twice… And if he came back a year or years from now, I’ll cross that bridge if or when I ever have to, but my hope is that I’ll have moved on totally from ever wanting to be with him again… maybe I’ll be in another relationship, maybe not, but I would like to have healed and gotten to a place where I’m no longer bothered about being with him. It’s like what we said before, even if I could ever trust him with my feelings again (and I don’t know if I ever could), I don’t know if I’d WANT to trust him with my feelings again… Every time we’d have a disagreement I would naturally worry that he’ll start having doubts again and will walk away… and that would put a lot of strain on the relationship for a long time to come, until such a time as he’d sufficiently proved that he was truly committed… but I can’t help thinking it would be a long and very tough road.. and I don’t know if the benefits would outweigh the heartache it’d take to get there… I think it would be “easier” to start over with someone new, with whom there’s none of that history of broken trust and promises. The last week I’ve really started to think “It’s over” – not just on his part, but on my part too… He walked away over 2 months ago, and I’m just starting to walk away too… It’s sad, but necessary, so that I can move on and live the kind of life I want and deserve.
Newday, this weekend’s going nicely actually. I had a lovely afternoon in the park yesterday with one of my best friends, the sun was shining, it was lovely, and in the evening we went for dinner and drinks. And tonight I’m going out out with a friend too… Am currently in the “lifting” phase which Anderson refers to :-) I intend to enjoy it while it lasts, am just taking each day as it comes, not looking too far ahead. And how’s your weekend been?
Take care everyone… I would like to echo Beatrice’s Happy Sunday, and add a heartfelt Happy Monday too :-)
Hey Beatrice. I have a holistic doctor- she’s trained conventionally and then explored alternative treatments, and she gave me a hair test and sent it to a company called Standard Process, which analyzed the sample, diagnosed adrenal exhaustion, and provided a list of what stuff was off- some pretty important things like sodium/potassium balance, which drives how cells take nutrients in and out of themselves. Standard Process then recommended which of their supplements to take (must be gotten by the doctor).
Just taking vitamins and minerals wouldn’t cut it because the stress made ratios of elements off- and you can’t buy that off the shelf in the store. I have to say I ran out of my supplements 4 days ago and my mood has swung in the wrong direction– I’m waiting for an email back from my doctor so I can pick up more! It has been great how the ‘rage’ that I felt has disapated since balancing my body. In the interim, you might see what “adrenal support” products your health food store has…but that won’t help you with the mineral balance thing if that is something going on with you.
I’m guessing because of your name and turns of phrase you’re in England? If so, I know there are a lot of homeopathic doctors there (would be a good choice)- I’m not sure if there are naturopaths (make sure they have the best credentials- not a mail-away school), but honestly if I were you I’d go that direction or a good holistic conventionally trained doctor. These kinds of doctors look at the whole picture- mind, heart, and body.
About your last question- It’ll be interesting to see how everyone answers. Personally, I think that’s a super-weird mind game that your dinosaur brain is playing to come up with that question. I almost harbored that kind of question with myself, but it just came down to IT ISN’T REALITY, and I didn’t ask myself that. In addition, I see him *so much more clearly* , and I know I want someone who doesn’t have some of the serious issues he has ( of course he also has some great qualities) and will probably never deal with unless he hits a ‘bottom’. He *hates* reflection on personal psychology and won’t talk or think about his childhood, which was emotionally awful although not physically abusive. He’ll just keep acting based on his childhood imprinting, and I’m moving beyond mine.
Illusion- that’s how I got myself into trouble in the first place- not seeing things for what they really were- ignoring reality- I was splitting my ex and only focusing on the good stuff (and he was quite good at the good stuff) so that I didn’t have to admit that he was bad for me, because I needed the relationship to hold back grief and loneliness I’d been experiencing because of a series of losses (9) that I experienced over the past 4 years.
Beatrice,
I think about that question often…although i also try NOT to come up with an answer b/c it isnt reality. its not good to think about when i’m trying to move on.
BUT i also want to know—if it’s the first time break-up, why would it be so wrong to take the person back or to try and make the relationship work? i feel like this blog is all about empowerment and to reject the rejector, etc, but what if the other person was really confused or just didnt know what s/he wanted at the time? arent we all entitled to have doubts if we’re in such a serious relationship? i mean marriage and commitment is a huge deal.
i guess i just think of my ex. he is a young guy…26. and i know what is young for someone, especially a guy, to commit and want to be married.etc. and he is a great guy. we had an amazing connection. he was the one for me and i imagined my life with him. we talked about marriage, but nothing concrete. he is still establishing himself with work, etc…not sure if he likes it, etc. and he expressed doubts…after i asked. i didnt give him much of a chance to express his doubts more—were they about getting married in general..or getting married to me…or just about me, etc?
i mean couldnt he just be confused. i know there was a time where i had some doubts. being with someone for many years, 4 years, is a big deal….and maybe he just was confused. i believe he never intended to hurt me. he was happy with the way things were. his way of commitment was living with me, sharing things together, buying furniture/bank account together, etc. maybe that was his form of commitment for now. i know i want to get married. and he does too, eventually–but he wasnt there yet.
so…i guess what i’m trying to say is….wouldnt he be entitled to a 2nd chance, if i was willing to give it to him, if he truly confessed his emotions and promised the world to me, etc, etc? it just seems like this blog can sometimes be about never taking the bananahead back. yes, he hurt me….but he had doubts. i had doubts before and worked through them…and he was there for me even when i said i wanted to maybe see other people.
am i just making excuses for him? i know i am…in a way. but i feel like if he really meant it and proved to me that he was 200% there for me, then i would be willing t omake it work b.c i still love him.
maybe this time away from me has made him relaize that what we had was great. that that is what he wants, etc.
why not give him that chance? why give it all up b/c he said he had doubts? why never give him that 2nd chance?
Hi everyone. Sounds like we need to be on the check in thread! :)
Yes, Beatrice, quite a question! My situation is similar (was, I suppose) to Kalo’s in that this is in general a great guy who was very confused about what he wanted. Ultimately, he came out on the side of wanting to move away and do new things and was not ready for a long term commitment. But he seemed to be really conflicted and confused, and not totally committed to even that decision. So, if he came back now (5 weeks later)? First off, I can’t envision it. But if he did – this is simply not enough time for him to have both changed his mind and become sure of it. Kalo, I agree that this blog is very much about not taking people back. What is does seem to be about is looking out for you and taking care of you. Anyone, any age, who can tell you that you are not 100% the most important person in their life is not the person for you at that moment. Now, could they become that person – unlikely but maybe. I know one story that I hesitate to share because it can give people (including me!) false hope of a guy just miraculously coming to his senses after two months NC, making a commitment and turning out to be a fabulous husband and father. But I really think most of the time it’s timing. My ex actually said to me in our last conversation, if I’m still single in five years will you feel justified? I mean, WTF, this is not a competition. The thing is, five years out is probably the right time for him to make the kind of commitment he can’t make now. And I hope at that point I am not single, and not in touch with him, and this is all a distant memory.
Beatrice, also I love the Ally McBeal thing. It’s so annoying to see him promoted and have people think highly of him when only you know that is so capable of treating someone like s***, huh?
i totally agree Newday. this blog has made me understand that just b/c i miss him, doesnt mean i still love him. and i wouldn’t forgive him that easily nor take him back that easily. it has been 3 months since we broke up. and i’m not sure if that is enough time for him to truly realize what he wants. probably enough time for him to relaize that he’s missing. and i’d tell him to not confuse missing with me with loving me and wanting to be commited to me.
i also totally agree that getting back together with an ex and tihngs turning out for the best and you live happily ever after is not likely, but it is out there—i’m sure it happens, but it is not the most likely of situations.
we’ll see. i cnat think about it now. i just have to focus on myself a bit more…and get back to where i was pre-breaking of NC.
The same cells that form nerve cells in the fetus form skin cells…
Hi all,
Sunshine – that’s interesting about your ‘dalliance’ with a guy. I’m glad you feel it has helped you. I can totally understand where you’re coming from on it too. I feel too that I need somehow to prove to myself that I am still attractive (generally I mean, not right now with this skin!!). I’m still at that stage though where all I can think about is my ex, and when I try and picture being with another guy, it just doesn’t work. It doesn’t help that my ex was the best lover I’ve ever had, blew my mind, sorry if that’s too much information :-) Typical, isn’t it. Sigh ………
He’s clearly over me. I don’t know if he’s been with anyone (and it’s that thought that literally cuts me in two) but I have heard through mutual friends that he’s out and about a lot, abroad on breaks and generally seeming in grand old form. I cannot believe it. It makes me so sad to realise I clearly mean/meant so little to him.
Not being able to fully trust your ex if you took him back is a great point, and I totally agree with you, it would surely poison things. You sound great, so strong, and sure and together Sunshine, Serenity and Newday … I am going to read what you all wrote every time I fantasise about him coming back and begging me ,… which I do, and don’t mean to, how sad is that. I am getting closer and closer to fully believing though that my answer would be ‘no way’. I totally GET IT that he’s not for me etc etc etc etc, on an intellectual level, but I just do not know how to get the heart to follow. I know it’s through time and doing the ‘work’.
Serenity – thanks so much for that info. Fascinating. I plan to defintitely follow it up. I have tracked down someone locally online and am going to make an appointment tomorrow. It could be the start of a whole new healthy me. Is this part of what Susan calls ‘looking after you’? I never really know what she means by that or the ‘be good to you’ bit. I am so sorry to hear you’ve had 9 losses in such a short space of time. I can’t imagine how you are feeling. By ‘dinosaur brain’, do you mean like my undeveloped/child self? I think I know what you mean. You’re right, and it isn’t reality, and yes, I’m guilty of splitting and all sorts of things too. My ex wasn’t all good like Kalo’s or Newday’s but he wasn’t all bad either. He had some amazing qualities and I have never felt like that before. On the other hand it has turned out that he was a pathological liar and likely a cheater too (but I don’t have full evidence for the latter). And of course, he dumped me after swearing for 18 months he wanted to marry me, be wiht me forever. So, yes, I guess I am guilty of splitting. So, yes, like you say, I need to focus on how I know things really really were as opposed to how I wish they could have been. Your way of putting it has really helped me tonight Serenity. I needed that reminder.
Kalo – I totally get what you’re saying!! That is pretty much all I said to myself and elsewhere for the first while. He’s confused, he’s amazing, he’s allowed to be confused, these are big steps. However, I tend to agree with Susan and all the others, the ‘One’ won’t be confused, unsure, have doubts …. I say this, and then in my own mind I hear “but can you be really sure of that – isn’t it human to have doubts, what if people can have doubts and still be the ‘one’” …. Jeez, I’m confusing myself just thinking about it. Still, overall, I am with the others on this. Maybe because I have to be, maybe because if we leave room for doubt and possibilities, we will never move on and always be waiting. That alone can’t be good.
Newday, delighted you like the Ally McBeal thing … I have had a MILLION such moments in the last 6 weeks, believe me. It is surreal sitting across from him at work, so my mind just goes nuts and creates the craziest scenarios.
This blog is amazing. It’s like free therapy! Which I am considering … do any of you find it helpful? I am reading ALL the books recommended and have come to the conclusion that I must be grieving more than my ex, and have had some pretty textbook experiences so I’m wondering is reading all the books, and doing all this thinking, and blogging enough or do I need therapy too … I confess I don’t journal, I don’t have time, work is nuts. I find what I write here is kinda like journalling though.
Anyway, tis getting late here, so I shall sign off. Thanks to you all for your insightful and helpful comments. Have a good night / evening.
Beatrice,
I’ve found journaling really helpful, especially for the angry and especially upset times. There are so many reasons to do it, and I’ve read so many times that it’s recommended in psychology. You could put a journal next to your bed like I do and just write a minute or two before you sleep. Although when I was super rage-full the writing lasted for ten minutes or more.
As to therapy, it really comes down to your needs. If you shop around and get the right person, it’s excellent. But not everyone is a match. Susan has a link to a K*… blog to the right, a therapist in Boston, and on her site she has some articles about picking and interviewing a therapist. Anyway, I’ve always thought that the mentally healthiest people are people who have had therapy. That kind of goes counter to middle-class prejudice against it in the States… But a lot of my smart, balanced, friends have done it and are themselves more because they did do it.
LOL- Be good to you!
I think Susan says this because we’ve been probably, many of us, thinking and taking care of others for a long time. I read in one book that most of us take care of ourselves as well as our parents did- and I had one parent absent, and one totally taking care of me…So I’m a little split.
To take care of ourselves:
- We take care of our physical health: good food, exercise, cut out dangerous habits, hygiene, doctor’s appointments
- We take care of our environments: cleaning, making our spaces attractive to us, staying financially sound
- We take care of our mental health: good thoughts (bad thought stopping- listen to Susan’s affirmation MP3 tape),
weeding out negative people in our social circles, leaving any place- workplace or other- that endangers us by being nasty and negative, spending time doing stuff for us to relax like social time and alone time and bubble baths and our favorite magazines, therapy, figuring out stuff about what we do (reflective journaling) and why we do it (relationship and life inventories), making goals and positively working towards them, and creating ongoing positive self-talk in our heads
Ahem, still a work in progress on the above…my whole life, focused on taking care of others up to now…
That’s what my mother did. Although, she really has gotten a bit better as she has matured…:)
And Beatrice, pat yourself on the back a thousand times for your resilience and strength…I was cleaning out my closet today and came across a pic of us…the first time I’ve seen his face since January…It sucked. I ripped it up. It wouldn’t let me rip it so I had to use a knife. Good grief.
Hey folks,
After this posting I guess we should move over to the check in thread, as Newday said! Two things before that:
Beatrice & Kalo – about whether “the one” will be confused or not – I think some doubts are natural from time to time, but not to the point that one party is the cause of an actual split… Havind said that, I think everyone deserves a second chance – but only one…
Beatrice, therapy has helped me tremendously, but like Serenity says I think it’s dependent on you getting the right kind of person for you – it may take a few tries before you get the right person. In my case, my counsellor (who I’ve been seeing for 4 years now) was recommended to me by a friend of my sister’s, and she is fab :-D I had a pretty unstable and dysfunctional childhood and adolescence, and therapy has really helped me find my way out of the dark, so to speak.
As for journalling, I reckon do what works for you. Personally I journal a bit each day – just a few lines, maybe half or a full page, inc how I’m feeling/thoughts etc, and I end the day with my “Gratitude Journal” (suggested by my counsellor), which is a rundown of 4 or 5 things from my day which were nice – even if it’s just that the sun was shining or that someone made me a cup of tea at work, or whatever… I find it really helps to end my day with a few nice things, so I don’t forget the good stuff which is is in my life, even in this challenging time.
See you on the check in thread :-)
Oh Beatrice , I nearly forgot to say thank you for the collective compliment to Newday, Serenity and I about sounding great, strong, sure etc – I return the compliment :-) You’ve said some really insightful things, and posed some great questions which have really made me think :-) You sound lovely :-) I know I have my less sure, less strong moments, as I think we all do, but we’ll be ok, I really believe that we will… Lots of love x x
Beatrice,
Here’s your “dinosaur brain” answer… I’m not an expert or *anything* like that on this, but I’ve read a bunch of stuff in my internet researching and put it together with stuff from my therapist and here it is…it seems our child imprinting before the age of 5 goes into the part of our brains that is the most primitive- the part that is the same as a reptile’s brain- and just about as smart. Eat-mate-attack-run, eat some more, fight others, rage, find and keep mate- obsess about all this over and over and thus survive- all based on instinct not considered choice- dinosaur territory. Think our friends from Jurassic Park.
Then there’s the part over the reptilian brain- the mammalian one. The one that we could use to tame the reptilian brain and not let it make those decisions based on bad patterns.
I know that my dinosaur brain *totally* made the choice to be with my ex. The second time (fool me once…) I even had my mammalian brain say, “no! bad idea!”, but I was so sad at the time I allowed it to happen.
When we fall into huge-oh-my-gosh-love, it can often be that the person who provokes this matches up with a strong picture from childhood in the reptilian brain. “Aha! Let’s go! Full speed ahead, don’t stop to think,” It says. I wish the media didn’t promote these kinds of situations as what id’s “real love” to us.
And little Ol’ reptile convinces your mammalian brain to sit back and go along for the chemical ride…There’s a book recommended on the Book Thread that might tell you everything you wanted to know and were afraid to ask about how chemistry can frack up your brain, and convince you that you are in love or at least cannot be without some bananahead, no matter what a bananahead s/he was.
I’m hurting and I feel so stupid. We’ve dated for 2.5 years and done the dance of :I want you in my life, I don’t want you” off and on. I am really trying to do the nc this time and be faithful about it. I hate having to tell people we are off again and feel ashamed since when we got back together 7 months ago so many of my friends said not to. As I tried to tell them he said he is grown up, he is ready to make a commitment yet after 2+ years of dating he still couldn’t tell me he loved me. Looking back I gave more in the relationship then I received. That is part of my personality and a part I need to realize and fix. At 44 I’m sad for losing my best friend and the person I thougth I would grow old with. My first marriage of 18+ years ended over 4 years ago. I remember the pain and thinking I would never get over it. I did and moved on. But right now I can’t imagine loving someone or being loved by someone. Thanks to everyone for posting their thoughts. I’m 4 days into nc. In five days I will see him. Our children play soccer together for another month. Since the end was so unexpected I have some things of his I plan on giving him. I really want to move forward. It just hurts so much.
mlm2004,
Hang in there, read stuff on this blog, and know that it will get better, and there are many others in the same boat, you are not alone, and you will be ok. x
I had been dating a woman for about a year and 8 months. This past Saturday it all came to an end. I was thrown for a bit of a loop. We had never really had any major arguements. We had similar interests and enjoyed spending time with each other. We are both divorced and we saw each other every other weekend. I lived an hour away from her. I know this made things a bit difficult. I always talked about moving but I didn’t push forward with it. Now, I am doing it after the fact. The move wasn’t really about her because my children also live in the area. I got comfortable with my situation. I would even drive on weeknights to see her as well. We had gone on three trips together; the last one just a few weeks ago to Napa. When we got back, she seemed very distant. Although she said she had a beautiful time with me, she seemed very stressed. The last night I was with her, I just held her and the next morning she asked if I was truly and deeply in love with her. I paused and explained why was truly and deeply in love with her. Then she told me she didn’t feel that way any longer. I was shocked. I got dressed and gathered my things. We laughed, cried, and talked for about an hour before I left. Then I really broke down. This woman for the last year told me she loved me, wanted to spend many holidays together and would miss me terrribly. And now it’s over? I have not spoken to her since Saturday. I did something stupid yesterday and emailed her and said I was sorry that she had lost confidence in me and me not moving had put a strain on our relationship. I also said, I hope all is well and in my heart that I will always love her. end of email. I have gone through every emotion possible. I haven’t had a descent night sleep and I have lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks. I have been eating and walking to try to cope with the depression. She told me she cared about me and loved me before I left. I am so confused. Why say things if you don’t mean them. We had a beautiful relationship. It was very caring and loving. It was never mean or bitter. I truly gave everthing of myself. I know I cannot control her actions only mine. I believe that Love is an action. You choose to love someone or not to love. It took me 2 years to heal from my divorce. I didn’t date becauese I knew I wouldn’t be good for anyone. Apparently, this is still the case.
There is a book that Susan reccomends on this website called “A Fine Romance” but Judith Sills. I’m about half way through it now and one thing that I read that is sticking in my head is that you shouldn’t take what people do too personally. It seems a little nutty but it’s true. What people do often has more to do with them than with us. You shouldn’t blame yourself – she chose to leave you, for whatever reason, and chances are it has a lot more to do with her than it does with you. It doesn’t mean that you are defective or unloveable or not ready to be in a relationship – in fact, it may mean that she is those things which is why she left.
She might even be scared… but her fear has nothing to do with you and it is nothing you did.
It’s so hard to be left, I know because most every relationship I was ever in it was never my choice to leave. But looking back… I think most every ex left me because of something in them not because of something lacking in me. Of course at teh time I felt I was someone deficient or not good enough but I realize now that most of these ‘bananaheads” from my past were not ready to be in relationships. And I think the reason I chose to be with them, or attracted them, is because I myself was afraid… but either way they left me but they would have left anyone they got involved with who seemed to want more from them then they could give.
Keep your chin up and do the relationship inventory… and possitive things for yourself…
Genevieve nice name. My second cousin from France has the same name. That is excactly what she told me. It wasn’t me and it was her. She said, that I gave 110% in the relationship and she felt I was being cheated because she couldn’t give that much. I didn’t care. I truly enjoyed being with this woman. She said she loved everything about me. How cliche, it is not you, it’s me. She told me she didn’t want to hurt me. Duh! Well she did. I think I was ready to give of myself but she wasn’t ready to give her self up. I did a lot better with her. Meaning, I didn’t try to solve her problems. I became a better listner. Listen to myself, I, me. I guess it’s better that it didn’t continue but boy does it hurt.
My therapist also reminded me that what people do has so much to do with them, and very little to do with us. I think it is true; and I think I need to remind myself of this so I will let go of taking it so personally.
Stephan while reading your post I dated the same person in male form. I too got the you deserve better. It is me not you. The only difference he never told me he loved me after 2.5 years of dating. I can’t do NC because our sons play on the same competitive traveling soccer team. This weekend I’m taking his son on the out of town trip and we emailed this week regarding the trip. He also told me he is going to counseling. Why in the #@## did he tell me? He thanked me for giving him the counselors name, yes the name I gave him when we got back together last fall hoping he would go see. I’m here checking my email every 30 minutes hoping he would email but knowing he won’t and knowing it shouldn’t matter. I need to move on without him. I know it is his issues, and I need to focus on me but it still hurts horribly.
I’ve started reading the Grief Recovery book again. I read it 5 years ago when my husband left. I am also working on the Inventory Relationship and am back in counseling. If I could only not think of him 100 times a day. Yes I know it doesn’t matter, it is none of my business and I really am trying.
Stephan best of luck. Please keep posting and let me know what helps you move forward.
I think the best any of us can do is to strive to be the best person we can be – be the person you want to date. And if you think someone is going to fix everything or make you feel better or give you a social life then you need to still work on yourself. I know it’s hard because sometimes I feel so lonely that it actually hurts but I also know that everything I need to be happy and feel complete is inside me – I just need to draw it out… no prince on a white horse is going to sweep me off of my feet and rescue me… I need to rescue myself…
And that whole line “it’s not you, it’s me” well, I think there is more truth in that than I ever believed before.
The trick is to be a complete person who attracts and is only attracted to complete people… and that, my friends, is a daily journey… at least for me.
Thanks ladies. In my first post, I had mentioned that I emailed her. Well yesterday, I got a reply. It said, “I’m sorry that I hurt you. I think we’re at different places in our lives right now. I wish you only the best in everything you do and I think you are a wonderful man.Love, her name goes here” I wanted to talk to her but she didn’t want to hurt me anymore and go on with my life. It is weird in one month it went to a loving caring relationship to this. Like I said before when I got divorced I took 2 years off and took inventory of myself and made some significant changes. I then made a list of what I wanted in a woman. I knew that I didn’t want to rescue anyone or someone to rescue me. My first marraige was a codependent relationship and I didn’t have the tools or the knowledge to cope with it or “fix it” for that matter. Anyway I digress. So I made my list and started dating. The first three dates didn’t go well and it was amazing how I picked up on red flags. That the first three women I had dated were’nt right for me. Then I met her. Our first date was nice. She only had a few hours and so we went out to dinner, went to world market, and then to starbucks for coffee. I still remember it like it was yesterday. The conversation was never one sided. I would say it was the perfect date. I even went as far as asking my ex-wife to switch weekends so I could date this person, which she did obviously. This woman was not perfect but she definitely had more than enough qualities on my list. I think the biggest thing for her is that I am still unsettled of where I need to be as far as my location. She wanted a regular dating relationship. I had my place she had hers. I usually spent most of our weekends at her place. I was no slouch either. I can cook and I helped her with little things around her house. I even installed four ceiling fans. I never asked anything from her. Anyway, it’s over now. I have to accept it. She had a lot different qualities than my ex-wife had. Maybe that is why I fell in love with her. I think no contact is the best to move forward. Do not email, call, or text. I have to try and occupy my time with something else but right now it’s hard. I know it will get better eventually but it really sucks when you invest all this time in a person and they just give up. Something snaps. I feel as if I am doomed to continue to have these types of relationships. I didn’t cry this much this morning. I feel a little better but it hurts. I have my kids this weekend so that will be good distraction. I have to refocus!
Stephan, (I like your name….French?). Pretty much the same story with my ex. After 7 years & really terrific times together, promises of undying love, , etc., he said he wanted different things in his life that I couldn’t give him (children, etc.).
That may have been aprt of it, but a new co-worker joined us from another country and it clearly sparked a new interest for him. After 4 dates, he now spends every nite at her house.
Same story as yours…said he loved me, that I was wonderful, didn’t want to hurt me, blah, blah, blah.
In the end, it doesn’t matter….they have moved on and you are left holding the emotional baggage. Nothing we can do but pull ourselves up, go through the depression, pain, weight loss (be careful there!), and start again.
I am sorry you are suffering. I hope you will have a great time with your children this weekend and that soon you will be feeling better!
Oui, je n’ai a Nimes. I haven’t been back since I was 15. Thanks, I know it is the whole cycle over again. I haven’t lost anymore weight. I have been eating. I just been eating much less. The problem is every relationship I have had I didn’t end it only except for one. The first was during college, 3 years, she left just before graduation. The second was one year she cheated on me. Then my ex-wife 10 years. Now this one 1 year and 8 months. I feel like there is a pattern and I can’t break it. I am older now and I don’t to keep going through this any more! How many more times do I have to start again? How many more?
Je suis ne a Nimes. My french is a bit rusty.
Hi Stephan….my french isn’t great but I go to France several times per year for work and know lots of French folks so I speak survival French (I understand more than I speak and can read a menu and order food without any problem). :)
Je suis ne a Michigan.
Again, I’m sorry that you are suffering and, unfortunately, it would appear that we have to suffer in order to grow.
My growth in the last 4.5 months has probably been greater than it has been over the past 10-15 years.
I think you are, however, on the right road by looking back and trying to assess things. You are looking for things to better understand yourself. That is FABULOUS!!!!
How many more times will you have to start again….who knows?! that is part of your work I guess. But I certainly understand the anxiety over this thought. I have mixed emotions about starting again….I love the idea of new romance but hate the idea of starting over. Je suis fatiguee!
A+
I am tired too. Thanks, for the encouragement. The weird things, it’s not like I did anything wrong. In the time we spent together, we had very view arguements and they were always handled with understanding. We really truly enjoyed each other. It seemed like the making of a great relationship. In the past most of my relationships were always physical at the beggining. This was different. She was different. I wasn’t ready to get remarried by any means and niether was she. I have to keep tellng myself, it’s over. It’s over! C’est Fin! I would go insane trying to figure out what went wrong. I just have to know that it’s not what she wanted.
Stephan, its always a matter of right or wrong. Sometimes it just is what it is. I am sure you really enjoyed one another. Same for me with my ex. Never argued, love being together, etc. But sometimes it just happens, the relationship has run its course. Posssibly we were supposed to learn something from that moment in time.
I know I learned something in the 7 years I was with my ex. But, it took the end of it for the learning to come to light.
At this time, I am trying to remember the good in the relationship but balance it with the reality of the relationship as well.
And yes, sometimes, even though we still love the other person, they decide they want something different in their life. Doesn’t mean we are not good or valuable people in our own right. C’est la vie!
I hope that the next chapter in your life will be a really, really good one!
Bonne chance!
Stephan….I meant to start with it isn’t always a matter of right or wrong…. sorry about the type.
Wow! Merci Beaucoup! You really put that in perspective. I think that is how she was feeling. It had just run its course. She was upfront and honest with her feelings. At least, she gave me that and she broke it off at her house. I don’t hate her. I can honestly say, I loved her, I mean truly loved someone. Anyway, going for a walk and than eat lunch.
A bientot.
Having a rough afternoon. I hate this. I keep replaying everything we shared. I miss her.
Je suis tres desole Stephan. I wish I had magic for you.
Try to put a new tape in the VCR of life because the movie you are playing is not a good one.
I know you miss her. I feel your pain. We all feel your pain.
I send you a hug and bisous. Now, get to work on changing the tape! :)
Stephan, the “review” in your head of the relationship is totally normal. Journal it out and it will be helpful. Every night, write the heck out of yourself. I have got four journals full now, and it was a relief to pour that energy out of myself and onto the pages.
You should also consider now doing the Relationship and Life Inventories. You can find them here on the blog. It’s insightful of you to say that you need to figure out what’s going on. It’s not about you that they left- it’s about them. The only part about you is your “chooser”. Why did you select these others? And what patterns can you find?
I tell you, it’s the pain that has enlarged my library and knowledge, and forced me into patterns of change. My first therapist told me I needed to find a different way of living in the world, and pain’s a great motivator. I have this feeling you do not want to go back to repeating any patterns that have led you to the pain.
Start to find ways to take care of yourself better. You can do it!
Thank you Serenity! I am glad I found this blog. It has helped me put thing in perspective. It sure keeps me from contacting her. She was different though. We actually had things in common and enjoyed doing the same things. I will miss having breakfast with her and our talks every evening we were apart. That was the higlight of my day. She shared her day with me. All the stupid stuff too. I enjoyed that. We communicated well. That was a big thing for me. I know it’s not the end the world for me. I know my life will go on but it doesn’t take away the hurt. It seems like it is easier to give up on a person now. Always looking for an upgrade. You feel this freedom and independence and there is no accountability from someone else and when you are challenged, you can say I don’t feel the same way about you and just give up and move on to the next thing. Seems to easy for most. I am not saying we shouldn’t be independent but what happened to the trust of truly loving someone? If anyone can tell me a better defintion of love, let me know but to me this was is the best:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
I am not trying to get all religous here but can we not learn from this definition? It is sad we mix up passion with love. Or it’s just a feeling inside. You have to work at it. It is not always going to be easy. I am tired of women saying, “I love you”, and not meaning it.
Love is an action. ~ M. Scott Peck
I’ve lived my life by this simple saying for the past 19 years and guess what? IT WORKS!!!
I completely agree. Love is an action. You choose to love or not to love.
Well the depression has set in. I slept all day yesterday. I am still grappling with how a woman can say how much they cared and loved you and then within a month say that’s it. I feel more confused than anyhting. I started journaling but I am not sure it’s helping. I feel like a train hit me this morning.
I have been trying to connect with others to get thru all of this torture and pain. I can not believe how bad this feels. I just got out of an on and off 8 yr relationship.
I look in the mirror and do not regonize myself from all of these tears. Sometimes I feel that my ex was not worth all of this pain. I still go from sad to pain and beginning anger.
I just want this to be over with. It is so not fair.
I know exactly how you feel my marraige of 10 years ended 3 years ago May 20th. I went through the same emotions and feelings. Now I am trying to put things back after having a relationship after 1 year and 8 months. I thought I was doing things right. The biggest thing that kept me going was exercise. Although, I slept all day Sunday. I managed yesterday to walk at lunch then after work. You have to go through this. You will recover. I really don’t think about my ex-wife anymore. I still have to communicate with her because of our children but I have set boundaries. Right now, try and go for walks. It really helps me. The biggest thing I have realized when someone decides to quit that’s it. There is no way to change their mind. I have made some mistakes. I emailed her, called her and sent one text. The best thing is no contact. This blog is so dead on, I wished I had it was here for me 3 years ago. Beth, it is going to be OKAY! I still can remember how I screamed and ached over my loss of my ex-wife. I never felt like that ever in my entire life but I am still here after 3 years. So it has to tell you something. Just try to accomplish one thing. Just one.
I have been searching the web for help on how to get through the grief of my recent broken relationship – finding this blog has been a godsend!
I split from my partner of seven years just over six weeks ago and I am now living a complete nightmare. We lived together and had been going through a few difficult times but certainly nothing that we hadnt worked through before. She actually txt me whilst I was at work to say it was over.. It was on April 1st and I thought it was some sick April fool joke! I phoned her and was told she was serious and we needed to ‘finalise’ things that evening. I still thought we could get through this but she was adamant that it was the end of us.
I went to stay at some friends (where i still am) in a numb state then after a week I decided to call round and see if we could talk. To my horror there was another car on the drive where mine used to be – transpires she moved on to a new bloke within a matter of days! He has virtually moved in already. I cannot explain how physically sick I felt knowing somebody was sitting with her / lying in bed with her etc etc. Since then I have become a complete mess. I cant eat, have lost loads of weight, cant sleep, have palpatations, cant concentrate at work at all and then seem to be in a zombie state with some sort of fog surrounding me.
She is an absolutely stunningly beautiful girl that i Loved with every ounce of my being and my proper, proper soulmate. we did absolutely everything together. I simply cannot continue living in so much pain.
I txt her for a few days as i desperately wanted to continue some connection – she told me to stop and not contact her again. I stuck to this even though it killed me to do so. She then called me out of the blue and said she wants us to be friends and has been txt me! I know it is all over between us and she has this new chap but the txt give me a few minutes relief from the agony I am in. My mother died last October which was awful, but I can honestly say that this feels 100 times worse. I know from reading the threads that I should go NC but I honestly think this would drive me in sane at the moment. In my head i stupidly still think that we will get back together one day , what an idiot! HELP….
Dude, I am sorry man. I can honestly say I have been where you are at. I would say definitely no contact. Obviously, you shouldn’t have a sense of false hope. No texting!!! Delete her phone number. I had to. I even replaced her on my speed dial with one of my friends. So now I text my friend instead of her. I am still hurting after just an a year and eight months relationship. I am trying very hard with the no contact. I can’t change what has happened. It sucks that we all have to go through this but you are breathing and that is a good thing. I remember when my ex-wife asked for the divorce. We were married for 10 years. For one week, I literally stared at my monitor at work for 8 hours straight. Three years later and I am still here! I know the pain. I know… Things will come back and it’s a process. It sounds like a broken record but it’s true. Write your thoughts and I will say it again excersise! You may think it won’t do any good but it does. Definitely though, I would say no contact. Be strong!
It has been 2 weeks since my break up with Lori. I am still struggling. I keep going back and thinking how wonderful we were together. I haven’t spoken to her and I truly miss her. I feel my trust for women is diminishing. People will always fail you. Boy, do I miss her. This would have been a weekend we would be together. I stayed pretty busy but I had my momoments of weakness. I just broke out crying. I know I can’t change things. Well that’s all for now.
Stephan, You are early in the grief process. It can be a roller coaster ride. Don’t loose faith in others because of her (just look at this site as a testament to the kindness/love of others).
The first few weeks post break-up, I was a wreck…an absolute wreck. Then I got better, then I was bad (but not as bad as initially), etc.
Past few weeks I’ve been pretty good but a bit last week and today I’m having a little bit of a rough time….but really not as bad as before.
It has been 5 months……life is better. Not perfect, but better.
Good luck.
Thanks ‘Nese. I appreciate your uplifting words of kindness. I have read every post here. I know things will eventually get better. I rolled the dice again and I got the same outcome. I am tired of women saying one thing and not meaning it. I am tired of trusting them… I know it can go the other way for men as well. Meaning women could say the same thing. I definitely going to try to be more cautious next time. If I here a woman utter the three immortal words, I going to stop her before she makes an emotional draining mistake.
Stephan – you gave me some words of advice and comfort earlier which I really appreciate.
I totally sympathise with you and your emotions. Its 7 weeks for me and I too am still struggling massively. I miss her so much that it still physically hurts inside. She is in my thoughts constantly and I cant stop thinking of how great we were together. This awful sadness seems endless.
As ‘Nese indicates, we are still in the early grieving process and it is absolutely unbearable my friend. My thoughts are with you mate.
I to question whether I can or indeed sould love someone as much as my ex – Jeez Its awful to have to use that word!
From your blogs here you come across as a really nice person Stephan. I have no doubt that there is someone out there for you and that you will be so happy in the future.
Give yourself time to heal, look after you for a while until the recovery begins. I hope we will both will get there – it seems impossible right now but contact with friends and the group here will be a huge help.
Im just taking each day as it comes now and accepting I will still break down …hopefully the gaps in between will get longer.
Today has been three years since my divorce. Once I got past the grieving and I gave myself 2 years even thinking about going out with another woman. Adee, give yourself time to let the process work its course. The woman I dated after my divorce was a lot different than my ex-wife and we got along beautifully. I think that is why I struggle. I think when I do meet someone again, I am going to be a bit more cautious when it comes to the “love” word. I am still exercising everyday and keeping myself busy. Adee, you are going to make it through this. I have no doubt that you will love again. Sometimes I feel I am missing the reality of the situation. You wonder why another person would do this to you or me. I still think of her everyday but my crying has subsided. Adee, thanks for the kind words. Stay strong and exercise.
I’m so glad I found this page. There’s a lot of “advice” out there for breakup recovery, but much of it is crap. This entry is nice.
My boyfriend of 8 months and I separated two weeks ago. Things were wonderful; we were happy and in love. However, my boyfriend struggles with mental illness (various disorders) and just couldn’t handle things. There was no warning; even he didn’t understand what happened. He just snapped, made an incredibly quick
decision and that’s it, that’s the end. During the breakup he stayed with me for hours, crying in my arms. It made very little sense.
I am at peace with why things happened; I know it wasn’t my fault, it’s probably not his either, and I know it’s not meant for me to take care of him for life. Looking back, I can see all the little signs where he was unstable, and how hard maintaining a relationship must have been for him. I can see that a life for us, while fine now, would ultimately be difficult.
All the understanding in the world, however, doesn’t fix all this sadness. I keep having all these happy memories of him, since we were never unhappy or anything… and it seems like they’ll never end. The shock is starting to wear off and part of me is understanding that he’s really gone, but part of me forgets. It was so sudden; sometimes it feels like he has died.
Everybody keeps telling me I’m a strong and resilient person and that I’ll get through this, but I’m having a hard time. Every little bit of comfort helps.
Thanks again for what you’ve written here.
I am glad that I have to this place for I am sure that people here are really helpful and will help me getting out of the grief I am going through.
I am completely devastated by the mess that I created for myself.
I have been with my wife for last 11 years now and cheated because I was missing the physical part in my marriage.
I started the relationship with the OW just to fullfill my physical needs and thought it is never going to have an emotioal backlash. But that is not true. We are all human beings and a thing like “purely physical relationship” does not exist. You get to engage emotionally knowingly or unknowingly. That’s what separates us from animals.
I never thought that getting away from the attraction would be so difficult. But I do not want to continue with this attractive relationship, because I am sure all such relationships will be over once you are togehter for long and once the attraction vanishes off. What do you do then? start another? where does this end?
Its good to be little human and little unselfish. Its good to think that you have lived your enjoyable part of life and its time for you to live for others. Its good to work upon your existing relationship with your wife and build it and search what you are missing within your existing relationship.
I know that is a difficult thing but certainly the other thing of getting out of a relationship and building another with no guarantee of a great future is much more difficult. I feel that there is no end to it and so its better to be little human and concentrate upon what you already have and try to make things better for yourself and others.
In the end, it is going to be the you yourself to find a solution of the problems you created for youself. I think it all zeros down to the fear of losing an exciting physical relationship, since we are all selfish. And I know its very very hard to become little unselfish. But ultimately we are human beings and no matter what , we ultimately will need to turn to these rules of humanity.
I dont know how much people can understand it, as I am myself completely disordered now and so the thoughts above.
But any piece of advice will give me good relief.
San,
It sounds like you understand yourself well. It’s nice to see that you decided that being selfish and getting your needs met in two seperate places was at the expense of others. Good for you for getting that. How about finding out and asking your wife what needs she has that are not being met and focus your attention on her?
I love my wife, I can not see her in pain especially if the hurt is caused by me. She is too innocent to deserve all this. I always take care of her and always try to be there whenever she needs me. From her point of view there is nothing wrong in our marital relationship. Its only me who is feeling a void, and I think I should try to fill that within my existing relationship with her. The cost of getting it filled somewhere else could be immense and may destroy the life of so many persons.
I just found this site and the subject of this article couldn’t be more perfect. My Mom who was my best friend died 7 years ago and the pain was and is still the worst loss I’ve ever had. I learned a lot about the grief process with that experience. Now I’m going through a horrible heartbreak and it just occurred to me yesterday that the pain I’m feeling now is very similar to the pain of my Mom dying. I can recognize myself going through the same stages. Today it’s never ending tears. I feel like my heart is not just broken, it’s like there’s a big hole in it that can never be repaired. I know someday it’ll get better but right now it feels like I’m just going to cry the rest of my life. I’m trying my best to get through my days but this feels like it’s killing me.
Hi Sara,
I’m sorry for your loss, both past & present. I know you are in so much pain and I am there myself. I lost my father 8 years ago and currently suffering heartbreak–found this site just last week.
I absolutely agree with the sentiment that grief for a death and grief after a relationship is incredibly similar. Strange how people feel more comfortable “allowing” us to grieve when someone dies, but when we lose a love they tell us to “Wash that man (or whoever) out of your hair!”
The best thing this site did for me was help me to give myself permission to properly grieve this loss, and I think that embracing the pain goes a long way toward transcending it.
The last time I posted on here was April 19th, right before the “S” hit the fan. Little did I know at the time (when I thought I was simply dealing with a breakup) that I would find out that very week that I had been lied to, cheated on, and abandoned out of guilt. I really wish it were just a breakup that I was dealing with. That honestly would make this so much easier. At the time of my first post I was being very peaceful about the whole thing. Little more than days later I felt like I was dying. Went through hell having to sleuth out the truth in small doses. I asked my ex to his face if he was sleeping with a particular girl (who was in his apartment right then and there as I was asking him out on his porch) and he lied to me. He made himself look a thousand times worse by doing that. I was being as brave as I could be by asking him point blank. He betrayed my loyalty, strangled our trust, all for absolutely nothing. Now I am torn between loving and hating him. Torn between knowing in my heart I have to sever all ties, and yet still wanting him in my life. What’s a girl to do?
I went NC for a few days last month and it was so difficult. He knocked on my door 2 different times and I couldn’t answer. I’m afraid because I still love him and he still loves me, but knowing what he’s capable of and knowing the damage he has done to me—-how can I justify keeping someone like that in my life? And what would be the point? He destroyed it. He nearly destroyed me. Now he’s trying to be available to me, and nice to me. We keep talking about a time machine we can get into to go back and change everything that went wrong.
He told me tonight that someone was telling him “I wish people didn’t have to hold grudges.” What a friggin insult. What kind of idiot really lives in a unicorn candyland world where everyone just smokes pot and tells eachother to “chill out” when things get serious? This is my broken heart. This is the possibility for ANY kind of relationship between 2 people that loved eachother. Don’t tell me to just chill out and be cool. This is the real world. My lover betrayed me. Yes, I have a grudge and it is a very, very fresh one.
I had to confront the stupid girl twice to let her know that she is never supposed to talk to me. She never will ever have the chance to be the “good guy” or whatever. She was never my friend. She never should talk to me and pretend that we had some sort of connection or relationship. She is inconsequential. My ex was the one who was supposed to be loyal and he F’ed that up completely. Well, I sure hope she was worth all the obliteration. But somehow I find that EXTREMELY hard to believe.
So now I’m left with the choice of rebuilding some kind of connection with my ex, or severing all ties completely. In my heart I know what would be healthier. In my heart I know where these things go anyway… (this is not the first time I’ve been cheated on.) How can you rebuild anything on the remains of an exploded building? You have to clear away all the debris first, and I don’t even know if it’s worth all the time and energy.
More than anything I just wish he wasn’t the one that hurt me. I never wanted to remember him that way…
RenoZEN,
I think my story is quite similar to yours. My X and I had been in a in a long distance relationship since Nov 07. At his insistence. He is in US and I am in India since then. We broke up at the end of Feb. 3 weeks later I found this blog while searching for the stages of grief. And I read this exact post. I read about 60% of the comments before posting. And I was doing ok for about week and half when “S” hit the fan in almost similar manner as yours. I came to know on the one-month anniversary of the break-up that X was engaged to another woman after a week from our break-up.
I came to know this through a mutual friend. After this, I talked to her at length. Put together the timeline and realized that he was most likely dating this woman before he broke up with me. We had been together for 5 years. But since Sept 07, our relationship had gone through some extreme rough patch. Dec 07, we broke-up, but couldn’t stay apart. He called, then I called and then throughout Jan and Feb, he was acting so distant, so downright rude… And I just thought that he didn’t want to work on the relationship anymore and was moving on. Without breaking up with me. And you know what, he probably wouldn’t have called me to break it off officially had I not talked to this mutual friend over chat some 2 weeks before the break-up. She made him call me! And you know what he said during our 1 hour 20 minute phone conversation? “We have scarred each other so much that I don’t think I will be looking at any other woman for a long time”.
The trust is now broken. One time too many. Even during the relationship, there had been so many times where he broke his word that I had stopped trusting him. Trusting in the sense that he would be there for me when I needed him. And after Feb, there was no chance that I wanted to work on it again, but the news of his engagement sealed the deal. The trust is gone, utterly and completely. The respect is gone utterly and completely. He is just not the man I thought he was. And like you, I don’t care who the woman is, I never met her personally.
So, tell me, why do you think you have a choice of “rebuilding some kind of connection with ex, or severing all ties completely”? I see that you know what is right.
I actually read your first post as well. It’s funny… You said, he used to call you at any time of the night and you wouldn’t mind how long conversation lasted. That was the exact feeling yesterday that brought me to start the relationship inventory. There was a scene like that in one of the movies! Both of your posts brought up the break-up scene and eventual knowledge of his cheating to the front. It doesn’t bring tears anymore, but it still evokes some physical reactions, like a bit of pain in the heart and a feeling of something ugly sitting inside the stomach.
You say, you don’t want to remember him that way. But grieve. Grieve so much that you don’t have to remember him AT ALL. And keep posting here, it helped me so much…
Azucena,
My ex and I broke up because of his mental problems too. What you will find is that a lot of other people won’t really understand what you’re going through. People don’t really grasp crazy, and they might unintentionally make you feel more crazy in the process. In many ways, people close to me made this whole thing harder, by saying insensitive things like “all he had to was be sane, it’s not that hard” or “if he’s as crazy as you say, why is he doing XYZ?” They meant well but they made me feel way worse, made me question if he was even crazy at all, or just wanting desperately to get away from me.
In time, I am able to see, clearly, just how many problems he has and how many signs I had of it the entire 5 years we dated. But it was a rocky road.
If you need to talk to someone who went through something similar, who can give you a grounded been-there perspective on it, feel free to ask Susan for my email. It’s really hard to break up with someone, period, but watching someone lose their mind on top of it can make it borderline unbearable.
Hi MovingOn,
Thanks for replying me. :) In reading these boards I see you & I are in a similar boat.
Three days after it happened, I was experiencing horrific shock & trauma, and I ran to the first counselor who would see me on an emergency basis.
I told her that my boyfriend suddenly left me. At that time, I could not put together his mental disorders with the reason for the breakup. It was so sudden that I was still in shock and not thinking clearly.
This particular counselor almost WOULDN’T LET ME LEAVE her office unless I “admitted” that I had been wrong in thinking he ever loved me at all, that he must have been cheating to leave so suddenly, and that everything he said/did during the break up (and the relationship!) was a lie.
I kept telling her, “No, it doesn’t feel right, my gut feeling is that something’s wrong.” She completely dismissed me. I think she contributed to the trauma!
Anyway my friends & people who know me and know us (and who are brutally honest with me–if I’d made this relationship up in my head, they’d have told me) helped me calm down and listen to my instincts. About a week later I started to see all the little signs, until finally it made sense. And of course, I never saw that counselor again.
Sorry to ramble but it’s nice to know there’s someone else out there who is going through something similar! :)
I would love to continue with email; thanks for the invitation. :)
Azucena,
I empathize with your first-therapist experience. That sucks. Something happened to me with my emergency first visit- the therapist was quite unhelpful and negative, and she couldn’t seem to understand why I was so jittery and upset (duh). All I think that we can think is that these people were dealing with their own issues that warped their perspectives and caused them to be the opposite of helpful. I was so upset after the appointment-having gone for help and gotten none!- that I called up my insurance and they got me phone help immediately. I happened to have a work deadline the next day, wouldn’t you know it.
As you have seen, everyone is interested in your columns of re-thinking, not just me ;) If you want to learn more about making those into the most effective affirmations, Susan has that talk on her mp3.
Have you read Beattie’s book? It’s listed to the right.
Serenity,
which of her books to you mean? Grief Club?
What IS it with some of these therapists?! Yes, I’m feeling broken and need help, but I’m not stupid. The fact that we are GOING to a counselor and then meet a bad one messes with our heads–we want to believe them & trust their assessments.
I called my mother in tears after the session and she said the same thing–the counselor’s super-quick dismissal could only mean that she’d assessed the situation and made up her mind before even listening to me. Hm.
I have a referral for another counselor, but I’m terribly anxious about calling. I don’t want to go through another awful situation.
Azucena,
Sorry about your therapist’ experience. Yep, it can happen. You can find a dud. I haven’t done therapy in several years but I’ve had to approach it like I would were I hiring a carpenter or a contractor. I tell THEM what I’m looking for (over the phone) and ask them a lot of questions about their philosophies, their experiences with clients, and what they think about certain hypothetical situations. Years ago, I saw two therapists in succession who told me THEIR problems. I think they thought they were disclosing personal stuff in the interest of helping me. But because of being used as my mother’s confidante from an early age, it did not feel healthy to me. So, the next time I considered a therapist I told her that I was primarily looking for someone who would LISTEN (to me). And…I was blunt about not really wanting to hear about her life…or her opinions — unless I asked for them. Others may have wanted feedback and stories about the therapist’s life to help them feel less alone, or to hear how someone else solved a similar problem. Me. Not so much. It was too much a trigger. I needed to set and keep those boundaries. I still do.
I will say that recently I saw a “life coach” for the purpose of setting up a business. And…because I didn’t follow the advice I just gave you, I ended up spending an unhappy month with him before I listened to my gut and got out. Though I lost over $400 for that lesson, it was a very, very valuable lesson: to follow my own advice.
Also, I’m a ponderer. I need time to ponder my feelings and reactions to others. So, if you talk to someone on the phone, remember you can tell them, as you would a prospective employee, “I’ll get back to you.” Then, take as much time as you need, to make up your mind. You are hiring them!
And just one last note about therapists and counselors…they are not magical people. They are not exempt from unhealthy behaviors; they are not exempt from mental illness (covert or overt); they are definitely not exempt from addictions. So, I keep that in mind, too. I say that not to excuse them, but rather the opposite. I stay in reality: I do not assume he or she is some higher being who necessarily has my best interest at heart. I need to be discerning, same as I would be were I looking for a heart surgeon. I ask myself, Am I willing to be opened up by this person? I take the responsibility to act in my own best interest.
Finally, I just do my best to listen to my intuition, to my gut in deciding whether to start or to continue or to end therapy.
Good luck. Trust yourself.
Susan,
I am writing because I have found this post to be very helpful. My girlfriend of over four years dumped me almost 9 weeks ago, and I am still cycling through the stages of grief.
In my case, I think it is particularly hard because we have broken up and gotten back together many times during the course of the relationship, so part of me is expecting her to call any day now, and part of me thinks that it is finally over (which is probably the best thing that could happen). A good portion of the times we have broken up, she has gone back to her ex, and I am pretty sure that that is the case this time also. I am very codependent and I am also a recovering alcoholic & drug addict, so the obssesion for her and the relationship is very strong. I am doing OK with the no contact thing, although it is definitely a struggle. I did send her flowers about 3 weeks after we boke up, then I called her and left a mesage about a week after that. She did not reply, and I went to her house and got my stuff the day after that, and told her that I thought that we were meant to be together, that I loved her and I hoped that she would change her mind. That was almost 5 weeks ago, and I haven’t heard a word. I did hear through the grapevine that her ex had broken up with his girlfriend recently, so that, combined with past experience, leads me to believe that they are together. Like I said before I am in recovery, and we met when I was 13 months sober, before I really had a chance to find out who I am. It was great at first. We were deeply in love and thought that we were soulmates and all, but eventually I came to focus all of my attention on her and the relationship, neglecting my own spiritual and emotional growth, and giving up my hobbies and friends. I realized when the breakups started happening that I was getting all of my happiness and self-esteem from her and the relationship, so when we broke up I was devastated and left feeling empty, alone, and afraid. The pattern would always be the same: she would break it off, then sometime later (usually after I was just beginning to heal) there would be contact, we would talk, I would persuade her to give it another try, then we would get back together. Well this time it looks like there is not going to be any contact (the longest time apart before was 5 weeks, and it’s almost 9 weeks this time), and even if she does call me (because I have already tried to initiate contact and I am determined not to call her because it will only bring more emotional pain), do I really want to go back to a person who keeps doing this to me over and over again? I tell myself that I still love her but I wonder if is her that I love or the idea of being in a relationship. I often wonder why I haven’t had the guts to just ignore her when she has called me in the past, but I guess that I am afraid of being alone, and I think that I will never find anyone else.
Also, it is much easier to stick with the familiar (no matter how painful it is) than it is to do the work involved with changing and growing. The main question I wanted to ask is: is this breaking up and getting back together so many times an unusual thing? And why do you think she keeps doing this? Anyway I am finally starting to see light at the end of the tunnel, and I am not obsessing over her every minute of every day like I was just a week or so ago. I know I am not out of the woods yet, and that I will probably experience some more pain, but as long as I don’t let my depression, anger, and loneliness get the best of me and stay busy, I will eventually become stronger from this experience. Or at least I hope so. I would appreciate any advice or input that you or anyone else could give me.
Thanks.
Boy Scott I dont know about “normal” the breaking up and getting back together but it is our pattern. My ex is part Passive aggressive and part Narc. all because of his parents of course and his pattern is to get overwhelmed and walk or run away. We have done this three times (currently doing this). He also did this to his other ex and had the balls to call off a wedding three weeks before treat her like she meant nothing just to come back after a few months to get her back. That went on for a year. Then I came into his life. He did this to me every time I call him on his crap and ask him to get fixed so WE can move forward. This time is a big one because 8 yrs later and living together he knows it is about marriage and kids too. He is turning 40 and has NO CLUE where his life is at or what he wants and his leaving is all about him. I dont know about your ex but mine CANNOT take responsibilty for anything in his life and last week after 3 months of leaving his crap here he came to get it and blamed me for telling him to get it out. I told him he needed to tell me it was over verbally (which he never does) and then get his stuff, well with summer coming he needed his summer stuff. My ex always leaves the door open and then returns but we have gone as lone as 8 months before. I like you ask myself why the hell do I allow him back. I do love him and I guess at times it is unconditional, but I am starting to look at my behavior after we get back together and I forget all about myself and go straight over to his team and it again becomes all about him. I am so frustrated with myself. My ex cant let anything go or lose anyone the only one he doesnt talk to is his ex fiance so I am sure at some point he will contact and want forgiveness or whatever. So I guess to answer the question…no its not normal and we need to think of why we allow it. BTW great job on your recovery and sobriety!
My girlfriend of 4 years recently ended our relationship. It was fairly sudden and I guess I’ve been taking it hard.
I just wanted to say thanks for writing this. Not just Susan, but all the people who have come in here and shared their individual heartbreaks and helped each other over almost a year since this article first went up. The article helped me understand what I’m going through, and then the comments just help put everything into perspective in such a wonderful way. I guess one of the things that separation does to you is make you feel alone, to focus so much inward. That focus is obviously important and I’m not pretending that its over for me. I don’t think it’s a process of rationalisation, just a reminder that it’s not impossible to get through this.
So thanks again for the article, Susan. I hope that people continue to find and read it.
A question to Susan and others: Does the person who’s the dumper also greive? I remember breaking up with someone once, who was a bit psycho, and I felt bad for her, and guilty, but I couldn’t deal with her anymore, although she said she was in love with me. I just didn’t feel the same. I don’t think I grieved, but lately greving my recent ex has brought back issues I had with her. Did my greif just got delayed? Does the dumper greive like the dumped?
Jay,
I would say that depends so much on the relationship. Sometimes no one “dumps” the other, but it’s a mutual thing. In my case, I initiated the breakup, I left, I had made up my mind (independently from my ex) and he did not resist, we were both in pain, and it was kinda mutual, but because we had tried everything (or so it feels) to maintain the relationship, to “save” it, for over 5 years, but then there was no way forward possible anymore. So I do feel like having ended this actively (although I would not say I “dumped” him). And it hurt like hell, and still does. But the feeling remains the same, that it was essentially right to do this. I would say, in general, it’s a chliche to think that the one who leaves does not hurt. Sometimes it takes more courage to leave. Not everyone who is “dumped” is a poor angel, and the “dumper” the devil. Sometimes a person systematically drives the other to actually taking responsibility for *them* and leaving, as he/she does not have the courage to do this him-/herself. So it’s a complex web and it depends so much on the relationship, there are no black and white answers, as most of the time.
Yeah you’re right. In my case she left me, but came back 2 days later saying she couldnt’ be without me and it was ME who said we should stick through this b/c we both need to find each other separately. But a week later, I couldn’t stand to be without her. And then she cut me off completely. I’m sure she’s greiving. It shouldn’t matter I know. But I’m just shocked that humans can just shut some one off, especially given how close we were. We were really good friends for a long time… that’s got to hurt both ways right?….
[...] The Emotions of Grief During a Breakup: Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed. of the blog Getting Past Your Past http://GettingPastYourPast.wordpress.com goes over the three phases of grief in this post. [...]
Jay,
going NC does not mean to “shut someone off”. I cannot have NC at the moment b/c of business issues that I will only be able to leave by September. But thankfully, it all works without seing each other or the phone. Just text messages, on business. My ex tried to reach out (“we should talk” etc) or sent an emotional message once, which was hard for me. I try to remain like this, and not to show any emotion, as I think it is the most healthy way for me right now. Infact, I have cried today and thought “I miss you so much” and what I did was remaining strictly in a business tone. You see? He has NO IDEA! I am crying almost everyday, sometimes sobbing. But I do not want to show this, b/c what is the point. So “shutting someone off” (external signs for that, including deleting email addresses or whatever, some here in the forum seem to do that) does NOT mean you don’t care anymore. So don’t be shocked, this is the aftermath of the breakup and as little contact as possible is probably the best for now, no matter how good you were as friends in the past. I too miss many aspects of my past relationship (and many more I dont miss!) but that is part of what we have to go through. Everything has a price! Remaining in a bad or not functioning relationship is far worse than feeling this pain NOW. As they say, better to die once than to die every day.
I dumped my now ex…but only because he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. He wants to pursue other things in life..or so he says. I didn’t want to be in a one sided relationship..and he didn’t want to do the dumping..so I just let him go. Unfortunately I’m still living in the same house as him. I’m 19 years old, have no car no job and hardly any money and I moved out of state to be with him. Probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But I guess that’s what happens when you follow your heart(we all have our time to be young and wreck less right?). My goal is to Find a car, then get a job, earn money then move out. I have no help from anyone. My father passed away, and my mother and I have no relationship. I was emancipated at 16 , and she was abusive. I’ve been through many traumatic experiences but still this does not make my recent loss any easier. It still feels just as horrible as any other time. My problem is that I am around him all the time, and so often does he pull me back in then spit me back out. I know nobody here, and have no friends to talk to to help me get through it. I told him finally to let me go, so I could get over him, and he did nothing but cry..what sounded to be like fake tears. We were in the dark so I couldn’t tell for sure. Nonetheless nothing was said after that….but I’m concerned of what I’m facing here…being around him I fear is only having me stuck in the vicious cycle. Any advice from anyone? I’m desperate.
Hi Margarita-
I know (a little) of what you feel – my mother passed away three years ago and I am no longer speaking with my father. You are a bit younger than me, and I can only say that I feel your pain and that it is the most difficult thing to face as a young person – suddenly realising that you are alone, without the support of parents that most people can count on until much later.
I think that going through traumatic experiences, especially when you’re young and at an age when other people are carefree and having fun, makes it even worse when a relationship doesn’t work out. When my ex left me last year I completely fell apart. I felt so tired of having to cope with things, and when he came along I really thought that something good was going to happen in my life for once. It turned out to be short-lived, and not as good as I’d hoped for, and the result was that I went into a deep depression and felt that nothing was ever going to improve. Which wasn’t true, of course.
I think that you need to get away from your ex as quickly as possible. It’s impossible to heal as long as you have contact with him, and while you are living under his roof you are still dependent on him. Is there really nowhere else you can go? No one that will take you in, at least until you find a job?
I don’t know where you’re living but the other thing I recommend doing immediately is finding a therapist or a counsellor, so that you do have someone to talk to and advise you. I have found my therapist invaluable as that older, parental-sort of figure whose advice I trust, especially since I no longer have parents to turn to.
Finally, stay strong. You sound focused – you know what you need to do to get out of your situation, and that is admirable. I am so sorry for your loss, and so sorry that your family is not there to support you. But the people on this blog are a wonderful community of warmth, love and support. They will help you get through this, just as they are currently helping me.
Best, Pigeon.
Im still feeling confused and lost, my x and i broke up over seven years ago over something stupid, we are both stubborn and have too much pride, he wanted to get back together and i refused, not because i didnt want to but because i wanted to prove a point, i have been engaged to someone else for 5 years now but just cant commit to mariage, maybe on the false hope that maybe one day we will be together again, he came back into my life in the start of this year and basically threw my life into chaos, i told my fiancee that i didnt want to be with him and had an emotion breakdown,
i really dont know what to do to move on, my ex told me that he has always loved me and wants to be with me again, he now has a daughter and i am commited to my relationship, maybe because i want to do the right thing, maybe because its convienient, i do know i love my partner with my whole heart , so why do i still feel this pain?
still hurting,
you say you broke up “over something stupid”. How long have you been together? If the end was not a clear cut, and all those years you have nourished hopes or maybe entertained a fantasy like “what would have been, if”, then this has probably kept you emotionally in the relationship, even of you started seeing someone else. It can be very seductive when a relationship ends at a point where it perhaps could have started (so it remains “unlived” in a way) as this is a perfect scenario for all sorts of fantasies and dreams you can nourish. So it may keep you stuck in it. But try to look at the reality of things. I know it is seductive to hear someone still loves you (or says he does). But what do YOU feel? Confront the reality of things, not your fantasies. Sometimes we entertain fantasies over years, as maybe otherwise we are not fulfilled in our lives, and a “vacuum” is boring so it is more exciting to live in a fantasy world. That will never be satisfactory, though. Ask yourself: if this past attachment was not in your life anymore, what would change? What else would you have to deal with that you are perhaps postponing right now? That can be uncomfortable, but ultimately more rewarding. That’s just my guess.
Hello all,
I’ve read this whole thread a few times, not only for something to do to distract me from how im feeling at the moment but because it really helped to learn about other peoples experiences.
Jay/Stephan/Adee/Serenity/Beatrice/Genivieve/Seeif/LDMoon/Greenroses/Kathy/Lori/Mayee/Little Wing/Newday/Nese/Emma Kate/Kalo82 and Sunshine – your posts and stories have touched me, thank you.
Here is my story…..
Last year i was happy, sucessful, dating and generally having a great time. Work was great, i had family and fab friends, loved going on holiday etc. I had never really taken boys seriously, i loved dating but wanted to wait for someone special before really giving anything important of myself.
Last year i found him, he came into my life so randomly, so easily missed. From out first date we were together and we were smitten. I believe love is forever and was not ready to rush into that so we took our time, we talked and we spent time together. We met each others parents (first time i’ve ever introduced someone) and we went on holidays, i thought i had found someone who had potential to be the one.
He had commitment/intimacy issues in the past but because he had been to counselling and he was able to articulate his problems etc i really felt he had moved past them. We were really honest with each other so i felt we had the building blocks of something really amazing.
We were both strong people so we rubbed against each other sometimes but i would rather have had that than someone who couldn’t hold their own compared to me. Towards the end he started getting more firm about things and was really black or white about stuff. I picked the things i needed to argue over, some things weren’t important so i didn’t bother raising the issue.
His doubts hit the surface in Jan this year when we had been having a difficult conversation about the subject of kids. He freaked out (doesn’t want kids and i don’t have a particular preference at the moment) and went into panic mode for no reason (i was on the pill). He said he was not sure if we should be together. I said that this was just his old fears rearing their ugly head and that i was tough and not afraid of his ‘dark place’. I said that if he wanted to split then fine, but if he didn’t then he should know im there for him and there is nothing we can’t do together. I also said that if he decided to stay i wouldn’t tolerate this again. Stability is important to me and i didn’t want to feel manipulated by someone always threatening to leave.
Afterwards it was like he was free from so much fear, we went away, started spending more time together and had so much fun. He asked me to move in with him and we booked a holiday in September. We still weren’t saying i love you but i did admit i was falling in love with him and he said the same.
Then on May 5th this year he left me. We had had a difficult two weeks prior to this because of two main reasons.
1) Reason 1
Two weeks before splitting up we had been to his parents for the weekend, when we came back we were supposed to go and see mine and he tried to get out of it. Said he was too tired etc. I got really upset as my parents really liked him and looked forward to seeing him and i did not want to let them down. He had done this once before and i really didn’t like the fact he was doing it again. Family is really important to me. We had a bit of a row and he was really sorry and said he had acted silly etc.
Don’t get me wrong im not a rowing kind of person, but this was one of those important things that had i not said i was upset about, i would not have been true to myself.
2) Reason 2
Five days before we split i went to his shraight after work to console him after he had failed his motorbike test. He was really low and just said he wanted some alone time. I tried to cheer him up with Pizza and a DVD but nothing i could say had the right affect. He withdrew totally on me. I went out and when i came back in he was really wierd. I went into the study and found he had been looking at por nsites. I felt so cheap, was this why he wanted alone time? We had not been sleeping together for a few weeks and he had said it was the stress of his test which i believed. Anyway, i understood now was not the time to talk about it. I tried to brush it under the carpet and carry on. He tried too for a little bit then left the room and went to bed saying he needed to be alone. We talked about it afterwards (the next day) and i told him how i had felt and apologised for not reacting how he had wanted (by leaving him all alone shraight away) but that i had done my best. I also explained how seeing the website had made me feel. It was not a picture site only, but a site where you can interact with women in chat rooms (he swore he never did that). We were both upset, we talked it through, we really talked and i felt like we had resolved it. I remember feeling proud that we could tackle these things together.
Four days after the second incident we were getting ready to go out and he came in the room and ended it, didn’t even really give me a chance to discuss it. That first week i was in shock, i lost half a stone and cried everyday.
The second week i met up with him to talk about it. I wrote him a big long letter cos it was important to me that i had a chance to have my say. I know now that he will always do this, its a cycle. He is single, gets lonely so he gets into a rel. That becomes to real, he freaks out and ends it only to go on and on repeating the cycle. He cried when i said that cos he knew it was true but said that he knew he had never lost more than what he had lost with me.
Then i went to his when he was not there to get my stuff and found he had already been sleeping with other women. On the computer there were 100’s of messages from women from the afternoon we had split. He had split up with me and then because he cannot deal with feelings he went shraight out to fill the void so to speak. One of the messages was from a married woman saying yes to meeting up with him for the night. To top it all off they were meeting in a hotel which is part of a chain i work for. Im the past we had stayed in these hotels all over the place together, and now he was going there with another girl.
I never said anything to him about it – there was no point. he would deny it, get angry whatever not to own up to it. Plus i should not have looked and he was single now so could do what he wanted. I have had NC since then but have cried every day. I feel broken inside, like he took something away from me that i will never get back. He has sent a few emails which i have not replied too. Then he text me so i just had to email him and ask for a clean break. It was so hard because i want to see him and i care for him, but he is a different person to me now. I feel like im contaminated and need to get him out of my system.
I can’t sleep properly, im wide awake by five in the morn and feel so anxious. It feels like someone is standing on my heart all day every day and at various points in the day they put different amounds of pressure on. Sometimes i feel like im going to implode. Im 27, for the first time in my life i imagined a future with someone and it all went so wrong. I know i cannot fix him but i feel so let down by this man. I know he is hurting but i cannot care about that anymore. He chose this so he has to live with it. I don’t want to deal with his pain as i cannot even deal with my own. Plus i know that he will just block it out, thats what he has done before and its turned inwards and emotionally poisened him. I don’t want that to happen to me. I want to get it out of me.
I’ve lost myself, i can’t remember who i was or what im about anymore. I can’t eat and sometimes i have to remember to make myself breathe. I tried seeing someone and that did help but it was just three session. She told me to reach out, so this is me reaching out.
I have lost hope that this will get any better, i feel so trapped in this feeling of despair. I try i really do, i don’t want to feel like this i don’t.
Im sorry to be so negative, i just feel so low.
Hint of Red x
Hintofred,
I am so sorry you are in so much pain. Take a deep breath, you are among friends. Know that you are not alone. We are all here because we have or are going thru the same things.
I cannot pretend to have the same wisdom as Susan, Seeif, Movingon, Nese, Jay, Michael etc. So many I cannot name them all. I feel humbled in their presense. They have a knack of posting EXACTLY what I am feeling……
So pull up a chair and read for awhile, the advise here is sound. There are no hidden agendas, just a desire to share and care about others. Pay it forward if you will.
I can tell you that I am a different person then I was 8 months ago. This blog is to thank for that.
So read, read, read journal and most of all take care of you.
You can do this!!!! (as Susan says )
Hintofred,
I really get it when you say you feel contaminated. My X broke up with me after 5 years and he was dating someone else at least a week before breaking up with me. I didn’t even know this.
When I think of him now, sometimes I feel contaminated. I feel as if I can’t let any other man within 2 feet of me. He was engaged to this other woman a week after out break-up. So I keep thinking that what we used to share – like you did – he is now sharing with her. We were so open about so many things. We were even aware of each other’s dark sides. I was there for him in his dark times and wished he would do the same to me. And now he is probably doing all these things with her. And then I feel as if HE is contaminated. And that digusts me even more. Ironic, isn’t it.
I can even relate when you say you feel you have lost yourself, you can’t remember who you were etc. I did lose myself in that relationship. As it is I have severe inferiority complex. But whatever I was proud of, I GAVE UP because he wasn’t good at it. Because it meant I couldn’t share those things with him.
But I will tell you something. If you feel negative now, feel it. As Susan and people here have repeatedly said, DO NOT FORCE feelings. But definitely SHAPE the thoughts. To shape the thoughts, you really have to keep digging into yourself. Talk here, to your friends, write, talk to yourself, but you need to keep digging. That’s what is helping me. It has been over 3 months since break-up and I am still recycling, and yet, all those things have helped me. Helped me in FINDING MYSELF! I can actully remember how I used to be before I lost myself to this relationship. The things about me that I was proud of, those I can feel coming back to me now. After almost 6 years!!
So, KNOW that you WON’T feel lost always, that you WILL remember who you are and what you are about. But you MUST deal with the garbage first. Have hope, friend, and trust the process (as The Wise One says)! That is what I am doing too.
We broke up 26/12/2007 . 3 days before her birthday .4 days befor mine.and a week before our aniversary.She is the most amazing girl i ever met.Knew it from the beggining.I was lettin her know that too.When we broke up i had for the first 2 months my nose bleeding .lost 20 pounds although i was eating regulary.was sleeping till 5 in the morning couldn’t sleep more.I wrote her an emai xplaining what i felt for her .We went out once i cried (drunk) not asking her not to break up with me but telling her that i always admired her.So the email and the going out thing were the only times i contacted her.She called me 4 times during the first 2 months .She also called my mom to say goodbye to her.We had NC from late february.She called me at april 20 th may 18th .Just to say “hi how r u . bla bla bla” last time we talked i talked to her for only 2 min and then said i should go and i was in a hurry.I did cuz i felt like that .Cannot imagine me talkin to her like 2 friends.It hurts.And 4 years dont deserve it.The point is that i did the no contact thing.I am getting better slowly.Had been in deprresion since then .It is soooo painfull just to think of her .Her face har smile.And if she is with someone else…omg .I try not to think of her . I try to heal and not go into a rebound relatiuonship.To tell you the truth i find it very hard to be with another girl.She was an angel .Beautiful Quiet .she was an architect and hard working girl that all my friends liked very much.Low profile and had the same interests like me.I want to tell her the next time she calls not to call me again .I must consider her dead .As someone that never existed.Cuz it is soo painfull.What if i ever see her with someone else? i try not to learn any news from her .Fortunately we have no common friends.Although we live pretty close to eachother.I told my friends not to tell me if they see her somewhere.But i want to ask sth.Am i going ion the right direction ? I mean .I would do anything to be with her again but i know i cant.So i must w8 for the time to pass so i heal.I think of her every day all day .Litteraly all day .I go boxing and as i punch i look outside the window just to see if she passes by.I am obssesed with her .I still have chest pains sometimes.I still cry sometimes .And last saturday i was drunk and i called her .Mobile was switched off and i had my phone id hidden so she couldn’t see my number.Stupid thing to do i know.It was the first time i called after all this time.Well 1 hour after the call about 7 in the moprning as i was getting home i had a motorbike accident.They took me to the hospital .I was speeding and i didnt have my helmet on.I had stiches bruises but i didnt brake nth cuz i know how to fall.i am hitting the bottom.I dont drink more than my mates do . I am 33 . I don’t drink during weekdays.Only when i go out with friends.i am hitting the bottom .Why it still hurts so much ? I tell you she was smiling to me and it seemed like everything was smiling at me .I miss that . hy am i still having chest poains ? why am i still crying ? Why i can’t even think of her ?What am i gonna do ? 4 years i was in love ….. respect to all of you .
Hintofred,
Thank you for sharing your story. I came to this site back in February after my ex and I split after 4 year together—he wasn’t ready to take the relationship to the next level—to where it was headed. I think about it now and sometimes just makes me mad—why did it take you FOUR years to decide that this is not what you wanted?! You just don’t do that to people!!!!!!
I was searching the internet for anything that could help me get through the break up (googled everything from “getting over your relationship, how to move on, getting past….) and ever since I found GPYP, this has been my go-to-site and I have referred many friends here.
Please stay close to this site and post often. We are all here for you. We feel what you feel; we understand what you’re going through.
It’s amazing to see your progress through other posts and seeing the new names and old names post on the blog. I often read some blogs from people who are just going through the grief process and think “wow, that was me when I first started reading/posting on GPYP—that is EXACTLY how I was feeling” and then I see how far I’ve come. Then I read other posts of people who have been through the healing and think “wow, they were able to get through their pain…and I can see that I am getting closer to healing.” It’s amazing the different levels of support/comfort you get from reading other’s posts.
You think that you’re in so much pain and that no one can possibly feel or know what you’re through—but we do. Not that you need it, but it almost validates your feelings; it reaffirms that it’s ok to feel this way.
As you have read, so many posts from people say to turn to GPYP in moments of weakness. We all don’t each know eachother, but we share a common bond. It’s like we know eachother even though we’ve never met—we’re all friends here. It’s a great feeling to know that there is always someone there.
Things WILL get better. Stay NC. It is very difficult, but as one reader posted, NC is all about feeling the least amount of pain. Of course the urges are there—but you have to remember—what is the point of checking his Facebook or MySpace or emailing—will it make me feel better? No it won’t.
And a bit of advice…when you can’t sleep. Or get up at 5am, go outside for a run! It helps so much! I remember how much it helped me to get out all the sadness out. When I run, it’s almost as if the thoughts of my ex escape my mind and drift off into the atmosphere and stay here—whereas if I am in my apartment alone, the thoughts/feelings get trapped inside. And running/working out makes you feel better anyways; it’s healthy. It helps clear the mind.
Hope you’re doing ok today. Things will get better, and you’ll still have your bad days…but overall, each day makes you one day stronger. Keep moving forward (is what I always like to say to myself).
Don’t waste time being sad. Since my break-up, I’ve studied for the GRE, taken the GRE, researched and narrowed down the graduate programs I’ll be applying to in the Fall of 2009, emailed grad schools, spoke to admissions people, etc. If I went out my grieving in any other way—staying in bed, crying all the time, isolating myself—I would have never accomplished all that I have in just 4 months. I’ve seen many of my friends hung up on their ex’s…staying in touch…getting back together and breaking back up….calling, emailing, staying in contact with the ex. If I did all those unhealthy things, I’d be so far behind on my future goals.
Think about out. And that—that I am grateful for. I just look at my past and at my ex and just think—life is moving on no matter what—with or without me. And you HAVE TO keep moving forward
Loukus – take care of yourself. I know how painful it is.
Kalo – Thanks for the hints re running, i will try that tmrw. Anything that helps right :)
I started a journal on Monday, it was five weeks since our split. At the start i was in such shock i couldn’t get anything shraight in my head to write down. By the time i started it on Monday my mind really must have needed it cos i started writing and managed to type for three hours shraight (4300 words), it all just came pouring out of me.
Afterwards i cried so hard, just like the first day. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. I managed to sleep and the next day i felt like i could breathe again, just for a bit, then the pain returned.
I think i need to finish my journal and get the story out, make the links, learn the lessons etc. Its just so hard.
This horrible sense of sadness is always there nagging at my heart, trying to get me to think about him. Every night i dream about him and i hate it, its so vivid. I feel like im going crazy sometimes.
We were practically living together at his place for the 4/5 months before we split up. Since then i have been too scared to go see my friends in London as i have to pass by his town. I know its silly but im scared of going past the place i thought of as home with him. Im scared that passing it will make me lose it and want to go and see his place/road/our local pub/him. Its so silly to be scared of a place. Thankfully my friends come and see me. I just can’t risk feeling any more sad than i am now. Am i being a wimp? One day i will have to go there just to face the fear but i feel to weak now.
I have heard people use the term recycling, i read about it but im not sure i understand it – can someone please explain?
It will get better won’t it? Its been 5.5 weeks and i can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Hint of red x
Mayee / Bright Future – thank you for your kind words too. I printed out your pages and carry them with me to read when im having a really weak moment.
On recycling
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/04/18/recycling-recycled/
Hintofred, I am glad you had a breakdown. These days, I am actually wishing for one. I don’t want the pain and the thoughts swirling in my mind. I want to let it OUT. Well… many more journal entries to you!
Loukos, what happend? Why did you break up? I read your post twice but didn’t see it. What happened?
kalo,
liked your post. Can relate to many things you write, especially this one “If I went out my grieving in any other way—staying in bed, crying all the time, isolating myself—I would have never accomplished all that I have in just 4 months.” These days, I am busy shifting my focus to my life and what I want to do with it, rather than focusing on what my ex is/ is not doing (all that wondering etc). It’s so much more rewarding! Actually my therapist gave me that hint. To put everything that bothers me re. his life now (what does he think? does he miss me? what is he doing? has he moved on? etc) in a box (well, first to find symbols for those things) and then put them in a box. Equally, to find symbols re. MY life and what I want to do (job situation etc, could be anything). And whenever I find myself wondering about things re. him, which I cannot control and which only slow my moving-on down, I should put those objects in front of me, then physically turn away from them and towards the other ones that symbolyze my own life. It sounds odd but it works! I have turned away from questions re. HIS life and put all of that symbolic stuff back in the box. I have now only my own symbols in front of me and they keep reminding me to focus my energy there. The more we focus on something, the more important it becomes. So it should be rewarding to focus on ourselves!
Kalo-
I completely understand because my ex of 8 yrs freaked out when I sadi hey its time to move forward do you think you could start working on your mother issues which are the reason you are stuck. See mine is soooooo attached to his family (works for them plays at the casino with them and now lives with them at 40) that he cant see that they suck the life out of him and he has nothing for me. I told him that it has been long enough and it is time to move forward. He freaked silently for weeks then freaked outwardly for weeks then I came home one night and he said I am leaving after 5 yrs of living together and 8 yrs of back and forth. I am heartbroken because he is the love of my life and we have been friends for 20 yrs abut I am starting to see the real him… the abused child how truly treats me like crap. Walks out and leaves with no concern for me or our dogs…I can hear him now she’ll take care of everything she always does I can focus on me. My ex’s brother saw me yesterday for the 1st time in 4 months and said you know something he is selfish and that is what this is about. He is scared of marriage and kids because what will it take away from him. So Narcissistic!
my ex is living with his parents now too. he is 26 years old, has a really good job. i dont get it. it’s like a comfort thing for him.
i always admired his closeness to his family and i loved his family like my own…so it wasnt anything like your (L) ex and his relationship with the family and how they sucked the life out of him.
after college, he moved back in with his parents for a while, then moved in with a few guys, then me….and now back at his parents.
what is that about?
granted, his parents are both consultants working and living temporarily in different states (from one another)…so he cna ’say’ that he is taking care of their house for them. in fact, before our break-up, we were thinking about moving in to his parents place for a year to save money…but i knew i would NOT do that if he wasnt willing to make a commitment—b/c that meant ME being put in a vulnerable sitatuation. if anything happened, HE was in his comfort zone. it would he HIS family and HIS family’s house and then me.
anyways…what is up with that.
also might i mention he has an older brother who is 28/29 and lives at home as well. he is a musician (but making name for himself and the band…they do well…not a High School kind of thing)…but i also saw that as a reason for his lack of commitment…b/c he has an older brother who isnt commited to anyone (has had a few gf’s and has a stady one now)…but is always traveling and not settled.
also, my ex’s friends arent commited either.
anyways….happy thursday all.
keep moving forward. life is not waiting for us.
Kalo, my ex’s family drains him but HE is unaware of this only me and my friends seem to see it he and his dont. He is turning 40 and his friends are all non working non commital guys too. He has a few that are married and some are bad and some are good.
He works for the family and like I said plays (gambles with the family) its messed up. Part of me believes he is hitting a mid life crisis because at 30 he was engaged and called it all off with a month to go just like now with me at almost 40 he ran away again. He moved into the basement of his folks house because like yours they are gone 6 months a year and I think he is justifying its ok this way. He makes good money but like most N they arent good with their money. His brother is completely appalled that he is in the “basement” adn my therapist said see he has two choices to grow up and be with you or to be a child throwing a tantrum and live with mom and dad. The interesting thing is mom just got home and its great now but they have never lived together after something like this and at his age…she is the reason he is stuck and cant move on with me and I planted that seed in his brain before he left and deep down i KNOW he gets it…its will be interesting to see what happens now that he is living with his abuser and the person that withheld the love for all these years…..
My problem was that I tried to give him all the love that he never got from them and i couldnt because I am not them…its been a catch 22 since day one. so you ask what is up with that…its safer but remember those who live in fear and avoidance have to someday face it…its like an alcoholic who drinks to avoid you either hit rock bottom and die or make a change no difference to me atleast.
L,
my dad has given me some of the best advice through this breakup. and i’ve never really had talk to him about sensitive issues like this. but my parents live overseas and my mom would keep my mom updated on what’s been going on with me and this is one of the last things he said to me about my situation and my ex:
he [banahead] needs to realize that he is now an adult and he needs to make major decisions on his future. He seems reluctant to do that and resorts to a comfort zone that is disappearing and, thus, confusing him.
i thought..wow…an email of such few words but said a lot!
it’s weird to think of it that way…and i believe what my dad says. but sometimes i wonder if i just like making these ‘excuses’ up for him and why we brke up.
but it’s true about having to face the fear. i dont think my ex is going through the break-up healthly. i tihnk he just keeps himself busy and doesnt think about it. he was never one to show his emotions.
and i always thought that if he kept himself busy enough–that he’d just forget about me…but im hearing that that is not always the case. that his grief will come out sooner or later. he’ll have to face it. it is not sometihng you can ignore to get rid of.
*i meant to say that my mom would keep my dad updated…
My ex had a similar reaction, when we broke up he told he couldn’t deal with it and hence would not talk about it. It was unfair of him and he had no right to take away my voice, i know that and told him the same. He always told me that it frightened him how easily he could ‘turn off from his emotions’ but that he had always known he could be like that, so cold. Anyway like yours Kalo, he kept himself busy with work and stuff, going out all the time and he (like yours) thought that was enough to get over it.
Shraight after we split and as i’ve said before, he was shraight on the internet looking for girls to have a rebound with, hours every night. It was like he was desperate to block it out.
Although this hurts like hell and i feel so bad, i would rather this than being an emotional coward like he is. It makes him seem so pathetic to me sometimes. Other times i miss him and that overides everything. Most of me just feels sorry for him alot of the time.
Although i know that he believes he can ’shut down his feelings’ i don’t think thats the case. I think he has got used to blocking them and they have turned inwards and effectively poisened him.
We never would have lasted, he is too damaged and too caught up in the lies he has had to tell himself to cope with his life. His doubts would always come up every now and then, i would sense it as a withdrawal and it would suck me in. But now i see how damaging that could have been to me if we had stayed together.
Today has been ok, busy with work and moving house. I dread the weekends the worst as im so used to hanging out with him. Still, six weeks since the split on Monday. I just wish i could hold onto the hope that it will get better one day, for good.
Hint of Red x
Hintofred- I am in total agreement that you can not just block out feelings, grief and pain…you can deny it is going on for a while (I cant do this but my ex and obviously many others can) and I think that the more damaged you are from your childhood the better some people are at this. My ex-N for example can go months of no contact with me: his best friend, his confidant, his love for 8 yrs his “soul mate” as I have been called, his spouse..it is utterly amazing to me because I cant shut off feelings like this EVER. He however immediately does this once his panic button has been hit and the conflict within himself is too high. He goes into complete silence runs away and if I try to talk to him about anything REAL he either gets angry and says mean things (just to take them back later) or he projects all his inadequecies to me making me think I’m nuts and what did I do worng. But I am smarter now and know his weaknesses and know this is all about him and his N and selfishness. My therapist says that the silence and th avoidance are all defense mechanisms that he learned as a child and that someone (mom or dad) must have withheld love for long periods of time and that silence was the only way he could survive as a kid and that is why it is his pattern. He not only did this to me twice before now but his ex fiance. He told her right before the wedding it was off and made her think that he never felt anything for her, then would call her periodically to check in after two plu months he wanted her back after silence. Strange.
Kalo- I agree with your dad that he does has to make make decisions (marriage kids etc…) and that he is scared so he ran to moms house where he “thinks” it is safe and comfortable….but you know what I have learned those who avoid eventually have to face it and maybe he has to be at moms to face the abusiveness of her (her cold non caring way) and that he can see that chasing the carrot she dangles is a never ending race. He has been looking for love from her and thinks he gets it thru their “friendship” gambling relaitonship that they have. He has told me many times that one of his favorite people is his mom and that any woman would be lucky to have him because look at how good he is to his mom…what he doesnt see is that the Love and adoration he needs in life cant come from mom but by having an adult relationship with a woman. So let them hang out for a while and when he sees that all she gets from him is him running around for her and that their relationship ius truly shallow maybe then he will make up his mind that its time to grow. Sorry for the rambling.
L – our ex’s sound very similar.
Since i started my journal last week i got so much out – cried alot but then felt better for a few days.
Today is a really bad day, for the first time since the split i want to call him. Not a good idea and i won’t, im posting on here instead.
I have to remember that he has already been out sleeping with other people and wants to block out the pain. So me calling him would be no use, he is a different person to me now. He is not the man i was falling in love with. He is now a scared man doing what he can to block out any real feeling. Like any N, he wants to get angry and find a way to blame me. I cannot let myself be part of that game. So far i have avoided it so i cannot let myself down now!
He emailed me last week asking if he could send me a birthday card, i replied asking him not too (what on earth was a card going to do???) and asked him to not get in touch – lets just just have a clean break cos he is not part of my future any more so being in touch is not going to help. After sending that i cannot go and call him. I know that, its just tough today, missing him, or missing the relationship and future he represented.
I guess we all have to remember it will get better one day, i forget alot of the time and get scared that i will get stuck in this.
I think i must be going back down the recycling route – i feel so anxious.
Hint of Red x
Hint of Red,
hang in there! When it was my birthday, my ex sent me a text message, asking whether he could phone later in the day, and I found a polite way of telling him better not to, so he didn’t, but since I had spent my last 6 birthdays with him, I had a very mixed day back then (the breakup was very fresh still) and was more than once tempted to send him a message later in the day saying “you may as well call”, and I burst into tears in the evening and I was so tempted and felt horrible but did NOT do it, and I am glad in hindsight. It can be so annoying when we feel that strong urge, that overwhelming feeling that tells us “I need contact!”, and all that missing etc. Don’t hurt yourself. Particularly since you stated he is already sleeping with others, I would say DO ANYTHING BUT BREAK NC, you will break your own heart if you give in to the urge. Be kind to yourself, do yourself this favour. As hard as it is, keep posting here, keep journaling, try some getting out of the house, do something different, go to any length to try and shift your focus, cry if you want to, throw some pillows around, DO ANYTHING BUT DONT CONTACT HIM. Sending you some doses of strength!!
Thanks Greenroses, your post really helped. ‘Do yourself this favour’ – you are so right. I didn’t get in touch. I went out, read a book, looked at this site and then had a good old cry. Crisis averted for now.
My weeks seems to be following a cycle. The weekends are the worst for me, its when i get really low and tend to recycle like mad. In the week i am kept busy by a really great new job and so im more distracted.
I dread the weekends though, when im out i want to be in and when im in i feel like i should be trying to go out. This weekend i went to the pub but i lasted about an hour before i wanted to come home, there were just too many people out i couldn’t face it.
So i cry alot at the weekends, Monday is hard getting the motivation to get to work etc and then for a few days im a bit more distracted and kept busy so don’t feel it so acutely and then WHAM its the weekend and its bad again.
Anyone else experience this or got any tips about how to try and cope?
P.S Its been six weeks since my split. Friends tell me i shouldn’t be counting the time but in a strange way it helps me to feel like i have achieved something. I think to myself ‘i’ve got through six weeks, come on i can do this’ It doesn’t always help (esp at the weekends) but sometimes it does.
Hint of Red,
I can relate re. weekends, although my ex was always very busy on weekends as well (restaurant business) so I am not really used to spend my weekends with him, but nevertheless, I find that time which is a bit more “silent” more difficult too (even though I am self-employed and thus can work whenever I want to! but sometimes I lack the discipline of structuring my day, that goes also for weekdays, and whenever that happens, I am likely to feel bad). What I would suggest in your case is to try and do something that you are likely to enjoy and that gives you a feeling of accomplisment. And try to focus on the very moment, when you are somewhere (or at home), re-affirming to yourself that it is absolutely ok where you are at that specific moment, and it is ok what you are doing in that moment. Try to not stress yourself by negative thoughts like “I want to be somewhere else right now” because in essence you cannot escape your feelings, no matter where you are. I know it is sometimes hard to motivate yourself re. going out, when you are feeling rather depressed, but sometimes the outer circumstances can influence the inner feelings (i.e. your mood etc) if you just give it a try. It does not have to be anything spectacular, but maybe a walk around the block or visiting a museum or doing something you would not normally do, and trying to shift your focus. How about trying to organize things to do especially on your weekends? Let me give you an example: I was feeling rather empty and bad last weekend, and forced myself to go out, I went to dance class first. It was ok, it was not great but in hindsight a good choice to go out. Because sometimes, one thing just leads to another. It’s like you need to push yourself to do the very first thing, and then the rest follows. I organized a meeting later the same day (which also quite crap but I enjoyed it as it made me laugh in hindsight, you know I thought the guy I had a meeting with was a little dysfunctional re. some things he stated, and it just made me laugh). That night, I went to dance, I was on the dancefloor! Had not done that in a very, very long time. And I danced for 2 hrs and really focused on what I wanted there. I was not looking for anybody new (although it was pleasant to notice that there were a few guys gravitating towards me that evening) but my only aim was to dance, and so I did. And even though the atmosphere in that place could have been better, I convinced myself that I did not want to be anywhere else in that moment. And so it was an intense dance, for 2 hours. The next day, I had a bicycle tour and there were some heavy rain showers, I could hardly see anything. But boy, was that enjoyable! You see, so my weekend changed totally, from feeling depressed I became more and more content or I was “in the moment”. You say your breakup was 6 weeks ago. After 8 weeks I had some 10 days or so when I could not stop crying but I am glad I let it all out. I feel so much better now (ca. 11 weeks since breakup….) Hang in there, keep doing yourself favours, no matter what! All the best..
PS Hint of Red: And when organizing special things for yourself to do on the weekends, I would suggest you try to focus on doing “new” things, things you would not normally do. You know, just try and have a totally new experience on those difficult days. It helps in the re-building of yourself…..and in growing, as you may discover new talents and interests, and also develop new habits….because habits can be such a strong factor in making us cling to the past, all those habits and traditions established with the ex….create new habits, new life, new facets of yourself, go for it and don’t try to stop yourself!
Greenroses, you are still very amazing to me. You encourage others so nicely while you continue to encourage yourself. I am sorry you are still feeling bad & empty at times but you are doing such great things to sustain yourself and move on.
In general I’m doing better but have difficulty to understand the past week of feeling depressed and wanting to exit. Not suicidal thoughts but just wanting to sleep or be somewhere else. I went to see my therapist yesterday to talk about this because I find it so disturbing.
Many changes in my life now and facing some things for the first time….likely the root cause of the upheaval. Nevertheless, the breakup certainly triggered many things that were bubbling beneath the surface and it is amazing how we go through all these stages.
I love how you have learned to be good to you. I’m doing lots of things too but often times I feel like I am just going through the motions of activity to keep busy/occupied. I hope that I will come to feel like you do (happy even in hindsight).
Keep doing the great work that you are Greenroses and for so kindly comforting & encouraging others.
Thank you, ‘Ne. It truly feels like a turning point to me, since about one week. It also helps me when I try to give advice to others, because I believe that we all are also talking to ourselves when we say something. Often, I find myself writing something and thinking “wow, I could apply this myself!”. Today, I thought that in hindsight, I do feel proud for having taken responsibility by ending this relationship for myself. It was the hardest decision in my life so far, but maybe also one of the best. You know, my ex used to blame me a lot. Well, we all blame others from time to time, but my attitude was always “we are BOTH responsible for this”, whilst he mostly said “it is more YOUR fault” (or, he would say, I am starting 90% of the fights and am responsible more than he is, for the negative development of the relationship). This I never believed, I always think it takes two. But the fact that he kept thinking or speaking that way, made me angry and sad most of the time. And today, I realize this: it is so key to take responsibility for your own life. And for the things you do. So maybe it was a late “growing-up” experience, that I arrived at the point to find that strength and tell him I wanted out. This is so not typical for me (my other exes used to end the relationship, I was always hanging on to it, no matter how bad or hopeless it was), so this kind of “premiere” in my life means a lot to me and shows me that if I have been able to do this and bear the consequences (and all those tears of the past weeks), what is stopping me when it comes to building a better life for myself now? In not wasting any time anymore (I am not intending to say that I wasted time with my ex, I still believe that all of that happened for a reason and so what, then I may have been slow and it took me over 5 years to realize that I was trapped and I had to move on, maybe others would have done this more quickly, but I dont care about them, this is about me, and I am made this way, I am slow in my progress when it comes to detaching emotionally from someone, I am very loyal and also very attached to whom I love, and have a tendency to remain in unhealthy circumstances for a long time), but what counts today is: I found a way out, and did it. This in itself is so encouraging, and it is a growth experience for me. He sometimes tells me more than I want to know (via SMS) but I stick to the business communication and stay reserved. And I am feeling in love again, but not with a new man, but with LIFE. I really feel very “full of life” sometimes. I am glad if I can support others through this strength that awakens in me now.
I am sorry to hear you were so depressed. I think it is very natural to want to “exit” sometimes. This is what life is all about. You can love it and hate it at times, it is fragile, but it is valuable. And you have to try to be a bit like a “chess player”, ‘Ne: always, always try to make your BEST POSSIBLE MOVE. If that means staying in bed sometimes, that is ok! How about breakfast in bed on those occasions? You see what I mean? The best possible move is something very personal, but as is stated here, nature does abhor a vacuum, so even of sometimes it may feel as if you are just keeping busy, then that is the way it is! You may not feel great, just trying to distract yourself and keep busy, maybe just to stop some trains of thought and give your mind a break! Maybe that is exactly your best possible move in that specific moment. Don’t stress yourself by wanting out of all of this sooner than it will be possible for you. Try to be more accepting of the process, honour the moments that keep passing by. Do not spend time thinking just about the past or just about what the future may bring….life is now, it is true. And time flies anyway, so make the most of the time you have. We all have limited time on this planet. We forget that, if we are lucky enough to be healthy etc but in reality we do not own anything but ourselves, and we are just visitors in this life, so let’s make it a visit as pleasant as possible!!!!!!!!!!
When I read your words Greenroses, I feel your peace. It is nice, and comforting and hopeful. Thank you.
My logical mind tells me the split was the best & right thing…for him and for me. Many times I thought about doing it (initiating the split) but, like you in your past, take a long time to let go. He did it because it was the right and healthy thing for him. It hurt but it was inevitable so someone had to do it. The illogical mind wishes it never happened.
I know that he stayed with me during the last few months while he tested the water for any interest on the part of the new g/f. Once he felt there was a possibility of reciprocity from her, he split from me. This part particularly stings but I also know there is nothing I can do about that…its the past and I won’t get on with my life if I am still sitting in old history.
I’m not a saint and have made many mistakes in my life and have always tried to learn from them. Sometimes it took summer school but I eventually learned. Even from this “mess” I’ve tried to learn but it has been hard & particularly painful. I have NEVER felt like this in my life….both about anyone and about the split.
I don’t know who I am anymore or what I want to be when I “grow up” (given that I am 50, I guess I should try to figure this out soon). :)
But I take your sage & sound advice…..I will try to concentrate on the NOW. At least then maybe I won’t miss something because I was wallowing in the past or fretting about the future.
Thanks Greenroses. I am proud of you and your enlightened journey of progress!
Glad my words helped you a little, ‘Nese. Whilst “growing up”, I think it is also key to remain a child at heart (this has always been very important to me). But not to confuse that with being a “lost child” that is unable to take good care of itself…..not a good place to be in. Today I met a lady I had known years ago in a conference and we had a good chat about life. She also stressed how important it is to “develop and cultivate good habits” (like doing good things for yourself, fresh flowers, a nice meal, exercise, going out, trying out new things etc). Because she was telling me about an 80year-old lady who had seen a lot of adversity in her life but conserved a certain youthful and hopeful way of life, and when asked how she did that, she obviously answered that she always cultivated her belief that it is important the value “little things in life” (like the sunshine or the smell of fresh bread or things like that) and also to be good to yourself, or as she put it “to cultivate good habits”.
Do you know the singer Michelle Shocked? She sings a song called “When I grow up” and it goes like this “When I grow up I want to be an old woman”.
So, no rush in growing up, ‘Nese ;-) at least when it comes to becoming “serious” and “respectable” etc etc, that is the kind of growing up I would not necessarily want for myself! ;-) always to be a child at heart….
this was to say “important to value little things in life”
I know how you all feel.My ex finance broke up with me less then 3 weeks ago. We were together almost 3 years. He still wants to be friends with me. He added me on facebook, just last night. I was doing a bit better. 3 days after he broke up with me , he started to see this other woman. I confronted him and he told me ( we were still living in the same house, but i have moved out and into another city). He always told me that i was the best girlfriend ever, i am giving and caring, and i am his darling. He use to tell all his friends how good i am to him. But one night he came up to me and asked me if i really wanted to marry him, then 3 days later he broke off the engagement and the relationship. He told me that he wants to me to be happy , and that he doesn’t feel that he is equipped for it. I don’t know what to do, I love him still so much. There are days that i am doing fine, but then there are days when i don’t want to wake up. I don’t understand how he could move on so fast. The worst part is that i know what she looks like. The worst part of it is that i want him back , but he is with someone else. He told me that i will never be really happy together in the long run. I know i am just 26 years old. But i am over weight and he except me for who i am and i fear that i will never find another man that will love me for who i am, and if i do i will be afraid it happens to me again. I am just tired of getting my heart broken. I want to get over him but still remain friends, b/c we go to the same church, and we were good friends. I know i have to stop talking to him for a while to let my heart heal.
Julie – Im not the best person to give advice cos its only been six weeks since my split but i just wanted to say im really sorry this has happened to you.
Alot of people on here suggest keeping a journal – it helps me when im having a panic moment, perhaps you could try that.
There are alot of good articles on here, i find reading through them in the evening helps clear my mind of my ex before i go to sleep. Or at least it helps to take some of the emotion away and helps me rationalise.
If you want to share more of your story then do – whatever helps hun.
I asked my ex to block me on facebook so i could not do my head in with looking at his profile every day. Its really helped.
Hint of Red x
In my first post (410) i talked about dreading going to London as that meant i would have to pass my ex’s place.
Well today i had to go cos i needed to work there. I passed my ex’s stop around the time he would be getting on the same train to go to London (he works there too). I didn’t see him, i can’t work out if i was dreading bumping into him more than i wanted to see him. I didn’t want to break NC but it just all came rushing back.
It was all so familiar buti managed to keep it together. I went to my meeting and i was fine.
Coming back i lost it. I went past some places where i last went with him. I could practically see the ghost of us walking around, holding hands, shopping etc. I just started crying in the middle of the station.
I cried the whole way home on the train and just felt wretched. Makes me feel like im right back at square 1 again. What is it about that grief that when it drags you back down it takes no prisoners!?
It feels so unfair that my ex can block it all out and start sleeping around and i have to feel like this every day, every day! Sorry im ranting, just needed to get it out.
Hint of Red:
I totally understand the feeling (and i’m sure so many of us here too) when you talk about going past places that you and ex frequented:
I went past some places where i last went with him. I could practically see the ghost of us walking around, holding hands, shopping etc. I just started crying in the middle of the station.
I cried the whole way home on the train and just felt wretched. Makes me feel like im right back at square 1 again. What is it about that grief that when it drags you back down it takes no prisoners!?
My ex and I did so many things–we not only traveled the world together, but we went on many local trips. Towards the end of our relationship (last year or so), I was the one always making the plans. So it hurts going back to those places, but I also think it is good because when I go back, then i create new memories and so i think “well the last time i came here was no longer with my ex,…but the last time i came here, i was with etc. you just have to face those places again.
however, i will not venture into his area by choice. I live in DC be he lives just outside, in VA. i will not go into VA b/c i will never ‘need’ to. everything i need is in DC. i jsut dont want to risk running into him. he will probably come into DC often, but at least i am minimizing running into him by not going into this neck of the woods.
it’s hard…seeing that ghost of us together. like going into furniture stores and remembering that ‘this is where we went to buy our furniture’…or ‘this is where he wanted to go to look at things for our apartment’ bC i start to question “why did he want to do these things…”play house” with me and not mean it? why did he want to go buy furniture and look at things for our apartment and then…this?”
UGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Hint of Red,
it is going to pass…..trust it, trust life, and your future. I know it sucks to hear this, but this is the way it is….it really takes some time. And by going to places familiar to you, places that remind you of him, you are causing extra pain to yourself. Try to be a bit more kind with yourself, because noone else will do that for you. No matter how good your friends or family may be, you go through this on your own, and it should be your responsibility to minimize the pain, not to trigger it. Try to avoid things that will break your heart even more. It’s already broken, isn’t it? It does not surprise me that you cried all the way home on the train, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. You let it out, and at some point this will bring relief to you. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but soon. The only thing you should really commit to in this difficult period of time is to be good with yourself. Avoid extra pain, you don’t need it!
Thanks Kalo and Greenroses. Quick question to both of you, how long has it been since your splits?
I didn’t want to go to London but it was for work so i had too. The place that reminded me of him was the main station which i could not avoid.
You are right perhaps, at least i cried and that must have helped me let it go in some capacity.
I have been scared of going past his place for so long, at least i did it. Im still here, still fighting.
I can do this, right?
Hi Hintofred, 11 weeks for me…..but I was the one to initiate it, i.e. I have decided for myself to end the relationship. The split was rather mutual, but I did the first step, which maybe also helps me now in moving forward….the tragedy in our case was that the feelings were still there (and we both cried when breaking up) but it was virtually impossible to proceed any further. We have been a couple for over 5 years (and living together, in my appartment). He moved out. At first I thought I would have to move also. But I rearranged the place, changed some things and am getting used to creating a new life here. What helps, is that this was my appartment for 3 years before I met him, so we did not move here together. He is on my mind every day, but I am becoming better at being good to myself, which is my priority at the moment. The first step in this process was the actual breakup. No matter how much it hurt and how many emotions were still involved at the time, it was the first step I actively took in order to create a better life and a better potential future for myself. I avoid “his places” or “our places” as much as possible, as I know this would only hurt me more. The pain is there anyway, but I will not torture myself even more. I have already had my share of pain.
Hintofred:
My ex and I split end of January—so I guess it’ll be almost 5 months soon. It’s crazy to think about summer and how we’re already in the middle of June and my ex and I broke up in the winter. It’s been 5 months…the seasons have changed and we have not been together.
When I talk about him, I still say “I recently broke up/split from my ex” and I guess it’s not recent anymore.
Like Greenroses “The split was rather mutual, but I did the first step, which maybe also helps me now in moving forward….the tragedy in our case was that the feelings were still there (and we both cried when breaking up) but it was virtually impossible to proceed any further” except my ex didn’t cry. He doesn’t show emotion. I’ve never seen him cry and in a weird way, I wanted to know that he did afterwards—just to prove that he is a real person who can show feelings. How can someone NOT cry?!
Anyways, we were together 4 years and we lived together the last year. I moved out of our apartment even though our lease wasn’t ready to end b/c I could no longer live with someone who couldn’t commit to me. I found an apartment within 4 days of our split and we talked our landlord into letting us out of the lease early—b/c he was able to find new tenants. It was hard. My ex is from the area so he moved in with my parents while I packed up my stuff and split our furniture. If it wasnt for my friends, i wouldnt have taken much of the furniture b./c of all the memories. I didnt want to recreate our apartment in my new place–i wanted sometihng new. so i did buy a new carpet and get new wall hangings. it was hard brekaing up our things and splitting the furniture we bought together.
We met again in May b/c he wanted to “talk” but nothing came out of the conversation. He just wanted to see me and see how I was doing—he didn’t know what he wanted. He couldn’t tell me he wanted to make things work—which I had hoped he would want. I thought I would be the one having to tell him that I need more time; that he needs to prove his feelings/commitment to me. But No, he couldn’t tell me he wanted to make it work.
That was tough. Closing the door for the final time. I told him then and there that he could no longer contact me if the relationship was really over. No emailing me every so often to see how I am doing, no nothing.
It was hard. I never got to say ‘go-d-bye ‘ (if there is ever a good way to say good-bye anyways) to his family who I loved as my own. That was tough. Being as my own family lives abroad, his family was mine and I was very much a part of his family.
But we wanted different things. I couldn’t stay 1 more year with someone who didn’t see me as the end-all, be-all.
So, that’s my short story. Hope you are doing well. Please let us know how you are doing.
Greenroses – well done for getting yourself out of the situation. That really shows the strength of your character.
Kalo – my ex is the same, no emotional core. Or at least not one he will ever let himself feel. Well done you for getting on with stuff and not settling for a second rate life.
You both have come so far – i only hope i get there one day.
Today was a better day, i was busy with work and then i started my first evening working with a charity that helps children with mental health issues tonight. I decided i need to do something else i would go mad, i figured one evening a week volunteering would help to distract me from my own stuff. The kids i have met tonight – they’ve been through so much. It was helpful to talk to them about having hope about the future.
I have booked a four day trip at the end of July with a girlfriend to Germany. I feel nervous about going incase im still in the place where im crying every day (it will be nearly three months since the split by then). I booked the trip to have something to look forward too but i find im nervous about it, moving on is hard. My last four holidays/weekend breaks have all been with my ex. Does that make any sense? Anyone got any words of advice? Im hoping im just nervous/sad cos i had planned to go away with my ex and this is one more thing to do without him. But i need to get on with stuff, im staying in NC and i need to help myself as much as i can.
What i find the hardest is that that irrational hope that he will realise what a stupid thing he has done and come back to me. I know its never going to happen but my heart doesn’t seem to be able to take in the message.
Gotta keep going, its got to get easier one day right??
I need to do the relationship inventory, i’ve been putting it off.
Did you both keep journals? Do they help? I have been but its really tough. As well as writting about how i feel daily i’ve also been writing about our relationship from the start – i guess i want to get the story out so i can read over it and process it better. Its hard to write about our good times etc but in a way its quite cathartic.
Best wishes to my new American buddies from Hint of Red, across the pond in England x
I really need some advice, I have just split with my partner of exactly two years after a tumultuous time over the last couple of months threatening with each other to break up. He eventually did but even though you could say it was to be expected I totally wasnt prepared for how it would feel.
The sickening feelings you get following this are so hard to deal with. I feel so much for him and want to know if there is much chance of getting back together. He said initially he wanted space then after a couple of days I went round to his place asking for him to tell me if there was any hope or not and that I would leave him in peace. He seemed irritated and said just leave me alone and when i pushed for an answer as to whether it was over or not he just said yes its over yes. I just went quiet and said thanks for being honest then I left.
Surely he cant fall out of love in the space of a week or two, he told me a week ago he loved me. I am so hurt it is like a twisting pain in my chest and throat. I hope this goes soon.
Do you think there could be a chance given some more space or not…please be brutally honest
Angela,
I’m sorry you are hurting. I haven’t been here long and have a long way to go so I will let some of the others answer your questions. However I will suggest you journal, talk to friends and family, read Susan’s posts starting with the Emotions of Grief During A Breakup and When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You. Also you need to focus on you, not him. No Contact (NC) with the ex is the best because then you can focus on you. I know that is very hard and I struggle with it but keep reading, journalling and posting here.
I’m sending you hugs! Take care..
He was probably falling out of love with you all along and didn’t tell you. that is on here somewhere. I think in the “When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You” post. It does happen. Concentrate on you and move on. Glad you are here!
hint of red,
keeping a journal is definitely vital to the healing. i think some called it mind dump…just to get all your feelings out. most of the time i just write and write about my emotional state, what i am feeling, unanswered questions. i think my affirmations. i tell myself i am doing better, etc, etc. most of the time i do not go back and read my entries. but occasionally i do and its a good feeling to read my progress. many times i write quotes from this blog. i even print out some posts–such as ‘emotions of grief’ and ‘when he doesnt love you anymore’ it gives me courage to read these inspiring posts.
i am glad to hear you booked your vacation. you will be fine! trust me. you will be fine! booking the trip with your friend is the first step! that’s great!
my ex and i traveled the world together so it is hard to think of myself traveling again w/o him or alone.
but i know i will meet someone else who will be thatguy for me. who i can create new memories with. i look forward to that day and am hopeful.
you will be ok. i am so happy that you are doing this with a friend!
i actually have an old elementary school friend visiting me this weekend. she is having guy issues. it makes me feel good to talk abot my progress and how i ‘made it’ and am working through my grief. it only reaffirms that i am ok doing and that i made the right decision.
it feels good to hear my friends tell me how brave and courageoous i am. many of them see me as a role model and tell me that. they are surprised as how strong i am. and it just makes me feel good to be able t obe that rode model–to show them that they, too, will make it!
(sorry for the bad grammer…i am typing fast. going out tonight!)
good night all!
Kalo thanks – im def feeling less anxious about the trip in the last few days. Im very glad to hear your friends are acknowledging how far you have come and how brave you are being.
I find it hard to talk about the split, i have become a very quiet person. I have two friends who i talk to about it, but only about once or twice a week. Outside of that i tend to post and journal to let it out. Its funny how quiet i am nowadays, i used to be far more chatty and a laugh to be around. I hate being so boring and joyless but i have no energy for that at the moment. Its taking all i have to keep me together and moving forward. Tmrw marks 7 weeks since the split for me.
Anyway, its Sunday night over in England. How were all of your weekends?? What did you get up to and how did you feel about it? I went to Royal Ascot yesterday with work (Horse racing) which i was dreading but it turned out to be something new and fun. Im glad i managed to leave the house finally.
Angela – chin up, let us know how you are doing at the moment. You can do this, you and i may not believe it but the people we love (friends and family) do so we have to try and believe them! Love to you during this horrible time :)
Hint of red x
I need some help/advice. This is a great article in helping me understand some of the things I am currently going through. I just found out this past weekend that my husband wants to split up and that he is in love with someone else who is also married. I am devastated and this came as a total shock to me. We have been together for over 6 years and married for nearly 5 years. But here is my problem that this article doesn’t address. I have 2 small children with my husband, a 2 yr old and 3 yr old, so I still have to have contact with him as he is the father of our children. How do I grieve and suffer through this devastation while getting through this with my kids and keeping the damage to them minimal? He loves his children dearly and sees them everyday, and even though he has done this selfish thing and hurt me terribly, I still have to form some sort of relationship with him for their sake. I am struggling greatly with how to do that. Thank you to anyone who has any advice and experience in the matter.
Lalo
Lalo,
First of all I’m glad you found this site. Susan is amazing and there are a lot of wonderful people here to listen and help.
Five years ago I found out my husband of 18 years was having an affair. My kids at the time were 7 and 3. My son had been diagnosed with cancer a year earlier. This site can help you. I would suggest journaling and focusing on you and your kids. Do not think about your husband and what he wants. Think about you and what you want and need. My husband moved out and eventually married the OW. Having minimal contact, communicating through email and focusing on myself helped me get through it all. I also saw a therapist and for a short time used an anxiety pill and sleep aide. The anxiety helped me focus and the sleep aide helped me get some well needed rest. Susan also had childen when she started this journey. Keep reading and writing. You can do this and I’m sending hugs to you and your children.
Lalo – i think there is a post about boundaries or something that may help. Try the search bar?
Thank you to both mlm2004 and hintofred for your kindness and help. Like I tell people these days no simple act of kindness is considered small. I can see already just from the posts that I have read so far that I am fortunate to have found this place. I was just aimlessly searching for answers anywhere I could find them and serendipitously stumbled into this place. I have already found it tremendously useful in helping me both understand what I am going through and seeing a brighter path ahead even though I am still very much in a state of shock. Just take these things minute to minute, then hour to hour, day to day…eventually I will have peace with it and have found a new normal for both myself and my children.
Hello all
My ex split with me 2 nights ago, as she was thinking of travelling during the next few years of her uni life, and knew I couldn’t go because I have a commitment to take over my fathers business here. Ironically, I actually tried to finish things before she left for uni with the exact same reasons. The painful part is that last weekend we had an awesome time, we were both so happy. Then we have a small argument about not texting each other and she drops this bomb on me when we meet up to talk.
Anyway, I accept that it is over, although it hurts alot, and I’m finding myself lingering around the guilt stage. She is right with most of what she said, I was always bad at replying. But the thing that’s causing me the most guilt type pain, is the way I left her the night we finished. I was on shock, upset and angry, and I refused to give her one last cuddle, basicly told her to leave and I deleted her number in front of her from my phone. I told her no contact, but its eating me alive. I dont want to try to get back together, but I want to appolgise for the way I acted and that she’ll always be special to me. But I guess I’m afraid of her saying thanks and never hearing from her again. She leaves for Mexico this Saturday with her parents ok holiday, and she actually asked for that time to consider our relationship but I stubbornly said she had pretty much made up her mind and I wasnt going to wait that long with false hope. So should I a least txt her to appologise for being so cold? Thanks
Hi Susan,
I have really felt every word you wrote. My GF left me 3 months ago after a 1 year relationship. She said we were not compatible and I did not make a bigger effort to show her how much I care. I must say I feel devestated. I have put the entire blame on myself. And its very hard to let go of this guilt. Yes I do feel I shoulda coulda woulda…. dont things differently. But yes slowly the pain has reduced. But everytime I think of her. or someone mentions her name.. this deep pain within me rises.. and my eyes are filled with tears. The feeling of never being happy again. not deserving the person I truly loved is scary. But I must say that this is partly Karma. I treated a girl in the past with such coldness when we broke up.. and i never understood her pain. I beleive one will go through the pain they inflict upon others. I still wish I could go back in time and make everything alright. But my rational mind knows this isnt going to happen. Anyways. thanks for writing such a truthful and beautiful blog. The human mind is truly complex isnt it.
Raj
Thank you, you just saved my life.
I’m going through a break up at the moment. 11 months, almost made it to a year. I’m devastated. I feel abandoned. It just happened yesterday – he’s in fact still living at “our” apartment which will soon be my own again. Thing is that I miss him to much that I keep looking to him for answers and peace. He’s all I’ve known to take care of over the past year. And now he’s single and the reality that he could move on before me kills my heart because there is a big part of me which refuses to let him go. I love him with all of that heart …. and yet I know he wont be returning home. So I’ve resorted to lots of crying, I threw my face in a pillow and screamed (which off set a whole ‘nuther hour of tears). I just can’t beat the memories, and that’s what’s destroying me because even as I can hear a train in the distance as I type this, I can feel his spirit with me. And today he told me that we just need to work ourselves out and that maybe some day we’d be together again, it leaves me no process of letting go. It leaves me alone in this, I hate to feel like this, I feel like I’ve gone crazy, I feel like I’ll never be the same again without him. I miss who I was with him, but while we were together, I missed who I was without him too. I’m tired of crying, it’s only day number two and I already feel like I wont make it.
Sean,
Write a list of all the people in your life whom you can talk to about this. Are there some friends you can divide some of your time talking to in order to let some of that energy all built up inside you out?
This is totally NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL to have such trauma and emotional storm when the kind of relationship you’re talking about dissolves. You are not going crazy.
Here are some phrases that you should repeat over and over to yourself:
I am OK. I can handle this. I am becoming stronger.
I feel calm, soothed and serene when I’m alone.
Say these sentences again and again and again, out loud and in your head. It doesn’t matter if you believe them or not.
Let yourself cry. Cry and cry and cry and feel the feelings. These are waves that will pass through you and if you ride them, there is another side to each one.
You will feel better. There are many people here who will attest that they have been where you are.
Put this in the search box: Don’t Give Up Before The Miracle Happens
Soah,
It sounds as if you & your ex gf both needed to break things off. It is too bad that you weren’t able to talk about it and do it well. A really good idea is to not have any contact with each other for six months, let things cool down, see how it feels to have things over…But I understand how you feel bad about that ending. It’s sometimes hard to act like our best selves when we’re feeling rejected, and hurt, and abandoned, and blamed.
Here’s a thought. What if you write her a lovely letter- on paper (no texting!!!)- a letter that you would not be embarrassed to read yourself 10 years from now- telling her about the good things, apologizing for your behavior, letting her go with love, and then telling her that you are going “no contact”, so please don’t reply to the letter and respect the silence that will let you both let go well and healthily (no phoning, texting, emailing, writing, contact through friends). Then you do not need to worry about her reply(hopefully), yet you will provide the apology that you want to give.
It’s unfortunate that your lifestyles will not cohere, but that’s just reality. And that reality makes your relationship not doable- you felt it, as you said, and she also. And actually, despite the drama that got inserted here, that fact that you both at the bottom agree, is positive. You will be OK and you will be able to let her go and move on.
Raj,
You probably did the best you could with that girl, didn’t you? Maybe you have issues about showing your feelings, or maybe that girl needed more than you could ever give, but it doesn’t do any good for you to blame yourself. Instead of hurting yourself to make yourself suffer for her leaving you, I suggest you put that energy into growing yourself into a person who knows himself better— it will be a way of doing penance, and it will be great for you at the same time.
In fact, it will probably be even harder than blaming yourself and suffering—instead, you will be looking inside yourself and observing yourself, dredging up your long ago and recent past, and setting up a working schedule for self-improvement. Just think, instead of thinking about how bad you were in the past and how you hurt your ex and how you are yada yada yada, you could be learning about yourself and putting yourself together even better than before and becoming a guy who brings even more joy in the world to his friends.
Your ex is OK; she did what she needed to do. Now it’s your turn.
Here are some places to start- Put these in the search box to the right:
Unequivocably Dumped
On Attraction
The Relationship Inventory
The Life Inventory
I also recommend reading and taking the tests in the book “Reinventing Your Life”. It will probably point you toward some of your “work missions”.
Oh, and Sean, you might want to join Susan’s YAHOO group. See the button to the right up higher on the page.
I had been with my fiance for almost 6 years, we have an 18 month old son together and were supposed to get married in less than 4 weeks. He has a gabling problem and I thought he would choose us over his problem. Unfortunately, he packed a few things and went to his mother’s. He doesn’t want to talk. He doesn’t want to see me. He said there is an 85% chance that this is over. To make matters worse, I am 6 weeks pregnant.
What do I do? He said he needs time to think things through then we will get together and take it from there. What do I do? I am an emotional wreck. I cry constantly. I miss him so much it hurts. I still love him deeply. What do I do???
He’s an addict who is lost in his addiction. Go to Gam-anon and find support to move on from this guy.
Thank you so much Susan. I just found out a bit of new information. I just found out that during a trip he made with his mother and sisters on 6/09/08, he met someone. Apparently he has been in contact with this person since he came back from (Nicaragua) his country. I also found out that he has cancelled our honeymoon plans and was planning to change the reservation to a trip back to Nicaragua. I also found out that his family has never liked me they have been faking it the whole time!
Hi,
Reading this has helped me to understand others are in the same situation as me. I have felt all of these feelings- grief, anger, sadness, but i just do not feel I am getting better. I was with my boyfriend for a year, and have been apart for 8 months. Unfortunately, I’m still in this feeling of denial and I cannot accept that he would want to lose what we had. I have tried to move on, but I am only 19 and still at university with him. He regularly contacts me if he hears that I am moving on, and worms his way back in, until he is bored and then I don’t hear from him and he acts as if I am not alive! Then I am just constantly repeating the process over and over again of anger and that utter despair when I feel completely exhausted. I know my friends think i should be over it be now, but it’s so hard for me to forget him despite the ways he has hurt me, and the things he has said to me. At the moment, university has broken up for the summer so I have a lot of free time on my hands where my mind runs back to last year when I was with him. When I am with my friends I couldn’t be happier, but he is always running through my mind. Please tell me what I am feeling is normal. I cannot bear to feel this way much longer!
Hiya Rebecca,
Sorry to hear you’re hurting. First off, you can rest assured that what you are feeling is completely normal. I suspect you are still feeling so bad because it’s been ongoing if he come back (and you let him back) into you life over and over again. I understand that you are at university with him and so it’s hard to be completely no contact, but you must try. See Susan’s post on ‘when you absolutely have to see your ex’. Also, it’s just my opinion, but when you know for a fact that each time he comes back he is going to just drop you again when he gets bored (which you’ve said he had done repeatedly) then you have a mountain of evidence there that he’s not coming back to you for the right reasons, it’s just cause he’s bored and he willl keep doing that as long as you let him. And as long as you keep letting him do that, you will feel like you do now. If I were you I would instigate strict NC from now on – you may have to be polite etc when you run in to him on campus but don’t engage any further – and when he next contacts you, don’t let him worm his way in, make it clear it’s completely over and you don’t want to hear from him again. Afater that, don’t respond to any emails or texts or calls, and if necessary change all your numbers and email address(es). You say you are happy when with you friends, that’s a gerat sign that you’re doing well and moving on – so stop letting this guy come back, that’s what has you feeling this way. Check out all of Susan’s posts, they will really help you
Take care
Hi Rebecca;
Good advice here from Beatrice. Please continue to read the blog, I believe you may be able to relate to many of the issues, especially when you say that you can’t accept that he would want to lose what you had.
As for no contact … I can tell you that I when my husband and I split, I certainly had the idea that we could remain civil and supporting to each other. He was going through a rough time, we have family obligations, we have a lot of friends in common; for all those reasons I thought we should continue to “be there” for each other.
Boy, was I wrong! Under the guise of keeping in touch or checking on how I was, it seemed that he always managed to do or say something hurtful as well. This sounds somewhat like your experience, and you must be newly disappointed each time he leaves you again. You need to remove his power to do this to you.
I finally wised up after reading about no contact in this blog. It took me a few times reading about it before I got it. However, I implemented NC, and Rebecca I really feel better now, sleeping, concentrating, my physical/emotional health are all better.
And although they haven’t said, I’m pretty sure my friends are happy that I can talk about something else for a change!
I just wanted to share a personal experience with you, that no contact works … it’s for you, and you should be your priority just now.
Take care, and best of luck
Mj
devastated,
I’m so sorry to hear about what has happened. Life is posing challenges to you, but now that you know the truth, in fact you may easily see that you will be better off without that bananahead deceptor. And your children have a much better chance at a good life without him around as a model. See what support you can marshal- a therapist? Friends who can commiserate with and support you? This is what you need. Also, “Codependent No More” will be a good book to read.
Rebecca,
My ex did some similar back-and-forthing with me. In addition to the good advice above from Mary-Jane and Beatrice, you might want to read “Facing Love Addiction” by Mellody. Arming yourself with knowledge will help you change the pattern that you yourself can see is damaging. And you have to start facing the reality: you say that you can’t see how he gave up what you had? You do not have a good picture of what you had, because if you had a good love relationship, his actions would be totally different now. You had an illusion, I’m sorry to say. At best, if it had been a good love relationship, he would have shown his love for you as real by breaking up carefully and fully and acknowledging the reasons. Instead, this guy is showing that his idea of love is to play with you as a cat does a mouse. Remember the end of that story.
I’m not usually the type of person who would post on a website like this, I have a lot of difficulty reaching out for help. But this site has been the most useful thing I have found since my girlfriend of 4 1/2 years dumped me over the past 3 weeks. I have never experienced this much pain in my entire life and I am willing to try anything to work through this.
My ex (a term I am still trying to come to terms with) has Borderline Personality Disorder. When I first met her 4 1/2 years ago, we had a totally consuming, whirwind courtship. I had never felt love like this before in my entire life. I was 21.
There should have been red flags for me from the start – she had a fairly unstable background. She had been date raped twice in the past year (by men…she was confused on her sexuality, and later admitted that these were indeed less “rapes” than issues of her allowing more to happen than she should have and then using the incidents for sympathy/attention) and had been forced to leave grad school to move home due to her instability (promiscuity, inability to function, flunking classes, depression, obsession with a straight best friend who did not share her romantic feelings for her, etc).
Her parents moved her back home where she spent the better part of a year fighting with them and refusing to function. She refused to get a job or go back to school, instead sleeping until noon everyday and doing nothing. Her parents tried on 2 separate occassions to move her back into NYC, paying for and arranging apartments for her, only to attempt to move her in and for her to threaten suicide if they left her there. In a last ditch effort, her parents put her in a 2 week outpatient BPD program at a mental hospital.
I began talking to her around a month before she successfully moved back into the city. We met online and clicked immediately, quickly moving to phone conversations and we talked constantly. The chemistry was apparent immediately. I looked forward to speaking with her everyday, excited to get home just to have the chance to connect with her.
When I finally met her, I was enchanted. I felt like I was in love from the moment I saw her. She was beautiful, funny, smart and interesting. She had a terrific sense of humor, something that is so important to me, and our connection was undeniable. But despite our chemistry and her apparent interest in me, we had a rocky start. She would alternately profess her love for me and then push me away in excruciating displays of rejection, telling me she didn’t know how she felt or that she felt “disconnected” from me.
I believed that I could work through any hesitance on her part by bowling her over with love, attention and gifts. And it seemed to work. Within 6 months we moved in together and it seemed perfect. I felt like I had found my soul mate and that I was complete. Her instability seemed to disappear. She found a job and got herself to work everyday. She was being responsible, something she had never done before in her life. I felt like somehow our relationship was so positive and wonderful that it had lifted her out of her BPD.
Over the next 4 years, things got rocky. She would go from idolizing me and crying for being apart for as little as an afternoon or evening to seeming not to care about me at all. She would often push me away when I tried to be affectionate – hugs, holding hands, anything. She was not comfortable. Yet when she was interested in me, there was nothing like that. I felt like all was right with the world and eventually I learned not to take her periods of detachment personally. I believed that we were together for life and that she would someday find the right therapist who would help her with her problems with affection. I knew I wasn’t getting everything I wanted and surely it wasn’t perfect but it was more than good enough. I felt a terrific connection with her and I felt safe with her. We talked about getting married in a same-sex marriage state and having kids. I believed that we were together forever, for better or worse.
At a certain point, things took a turn for the worse. About 2 years ago I took a new job where I befriended a young man whom she became convinced I was having an affair with, despite the fact that I am not straight. She became obsessed with him, and she threw huge tantrums, enraged that I worked in the same office with him. She would show up at my building, go through my cell phone and email accounts, desperate to uncover what she considered to be a string of lies, all hiding a covert affair.
We went to couples therapy on the issue, but it didn’t seem to help. As she continued to accuse me of something I wasn’t doing, I became more resentful of her and less tolerant of her outbursts. I began fighting back with her, saying nasty things and thus changing the tenor of the relationship to something almost adversarial. It was a bad turning point for us. I continued to love her, I never stopped, but I knew we were in a “valley” yet still, I somehow felt in my heart that things would get better. How could we not? We were perfect for each other and I saw our problems as being small and menial compared to how lucky we were to have found each other.
Things eventually calmed down for her relative to the issue of the supposed affair. She never believed that I hadn’t cheated on her, but she was less rageful and suspicious. But what was left in the aftermath was detachment. I felt a shift in her – a residual resentment and disconnection from me. Again, something I stupidly thought would go away. Suddenly sex became something we would fight over. She never, ever wanted to sleep together or even be affectionate at all, in comparison to my need to feel close to her, not just sexually but in a connected, affectionate way.
About six months ago things got worse. She started becoming friends with a girl at work (a girl about whom she had once hated and complained to me about constantly) and began taking on this girls very interests – indie music, concerts, hipster clothing, poetry. Somehow I didn’t feel threatened. I was happy for her. Neither of us had any real friends outside of each other, and I was pleased she was finding an identity. I thought it might make her feel more complete in our relationship.
Soon she was objecting to some of things she had loved about me most for years – my sense of humor, child like ability to enjoy things or be silly. She began calling me immature and unable to interact as an adult. She criticized my interests in music and disinterest in my appearance. She said she wanted to discuss deeper things, and that I wasn’t giving her that. I began trying to be deeper and less silly. I started trying to discuss things seriously with her and talk to her about my feelings. Yet still, she withdrew further.
I still loved her and believed things would get better. I never believed she had feelings for the girl at work until about 3 weeks ago – one night I came home from work and took her out to dinner (another part of my caretaker role – I took care of her financially in many ways) where she told me she wasn’t getting what she needed and started to cry. The next day she told me she wanted to break up. She had cried wolf many times before concerning breaking up during fights and at first I didn’t take it seriously. But it became apparent that this time was different.
She told me she was truly unhappy and that the relationship hadn’t worked in a long time. She said she was attracted to the girl at work and felt that she had shifted who she was and couldn’t reconnect to me. She said she still loved me and was sorry.
I was devastated and begged her to stay, to give us a second chance. I took responsibility for all our problems and said it was all my fault – just to be able to control the situation. If it was my fault, then maybe I could fix it. I asked her to try and give us a second chance. She begrudgingly agreed.
So began a week long period of me trying to woo her back. Gifts and an impromptu vacation. Trying to be a better girlfriend. More attentive and more loving. Yet still I could tell – she was checked out.
I finally told her I felt that we weren’t making progress and she seemed relieved. I moved out the next day to my Mom’s. That was 10 days ago. We called it a trial separation and agreed to NC for 5 days. When we finally spoke again on Monday she revealed to me that while I had spent our separation crying everyday hysterically, unable to function at work that she had made out with the girl from the office. She told me she wanted to definitively end things.
That was a week ago. Since then my world has been a mess. I still have to be in contact with her to take care of ending our apartment lease and I went back to the apartment yesterday to collect my things. This is the MOST pain I have ever been in in my entire life. I feel empty and hopeless, like I have lost the only person who ever understood me. I miss her SO much I feel like I am dying. I cry everyday, and worse yet is the idea that she is moving on so quickly without a thought – when I picked my things up over the weekend I saw that the apartment was full of alcohol and DVDs – it was clear her new interest had been over for a date. Knowing my ex, they probably slept together.
I literally feel like I am dying. I have been thrust into a life I don’t understand. I am back at my mom’s house in the suburbs like I am 18 again. I am 25 years old. I have a good job, yet have no friends. I have a brother who cares about me and has been supportive yet it is not enough. I just miss her so much and I feel a hole in me. I don’t feel a reason to get up in the morning. All my goals, professionally and otherwise, were all conceived with her in mind. I wanted a life with her forever, and now that is gone.
I am reaching out for input and advice. The only times I feel hopeful is when I think about her coming back to me. I know how wrong that is and that it is an unhealthy urge but everything else feels undoable. I feel that I will never meet anyone else. That she was special and I have lost her forever. She doesn’t love me anymore and I don’t know how to undo that.
Total NC would probably help yet I must be in touch with her at least sporadically to clean up the apt lease situation, which is complicated. I check my email and cell constantly to see if she has tried to reach me. The fact that she has not makes the pain that much worse.
Any insight would be so appreciated. I am in so much pain. I feel like I have lost my life.
Julia,
What a difficult difficult time you’re having, and I hear that you’re feeling very sad. Many folks here have had similar awful experiences. But you WILL get better if you set yourself to do so. It takes some work, but you can make this breakup a wonderful miracle for you as a person.
My first advice is to make sure that you are taking a multivitamin and eating OK and doing your best to sleep. Everything is worse if you are exhausted or your body is not getting what it needs. And as you know, you don’t need to get this thing worse.
Second, read Beattie’s “Codependent No More” and Anderson’s “Abandonment and Healing”. Also, Halpern’s “How to Get Addicted to a Person” might give you some insight later. As you are doing this, start reading through this entire blog from the very first month. When I was in a similar place, I rationed myself to one of the old posts and the current post every day. But put these in the search boxes and read them first “Don’t Give Up the Day Before the Miracle Happens”.
You CAN feel better. It takes more than time, which I think you know. It takes a re-working of yourself. But you are going to be so much happier and healthier than you have ever been in your life in the future.
Julia,
Having had a very similar experience the book that helped me take the first step toward understanding all of the pain was as Serenity suggested, “The Journey From Abandonment to Healing.” It’s like a course in how to get through this crazy confused state one step at a time.
When it happened to me, there wasn’t a website like this that was really about healing, the community here is wonderful, supportive, open and understanding. You WILL be okay, and you WILL make it. You HAVE to go zero contact! If there is another person that can work through the lease details, lean on them at this point.
Having gone through a very traumatic similar experience to yours, I have to say, the best thing I did through the entire wretched ordeal was to be damned determined to not be humliated through the wounded experience by my ex. There were times I would have made up crazy excuses to want to contact her, but I didn’t and I’m SO GRATEFUL for that now that my head is cleared after six months of no contact = NC. The beginning days are awful but there really is something about it, it’s like people just know you have this gaping wound and they watch out for you, they take care of you and everyone seems a little more gentle towards you. You are going to be okay and you will begin to sort through the ashes. One day at a time and be very gentle with yourself. This is not your fault, you didn’t do anything wrong and you are still lovable.
cat
Julia,
My suggestion would be to find online support for people who have been involved with those with borderline personality disorder.
There used to be a site named after a book by the same name. It’s called “Stop Walking On Eggshells”. I think the author’s name is Randi Kreger. It was a message board with different categories for the type of relationship you were in, e.g. girlfriend, spouse, sibling, parent, child, etc.
The site has lots of info about the disorder, and the issues that come up for the “non” bpd.
Good luck.
Take care.
Seeif
I find my self with so many emotions and sometimes the most insignificant things cause difficulty. For me it was looking down at my left hand and no wedding rings after 34 years. My husband I know was true to me in that he never cheated on me, but the narcissistic personality was. He never wore his wedding band because of his dangerous work, so I had his band sized to fit my finger. Now no rings. I felt so bad, even though I was always an object and not a person. I just figured out the perfect solution. I have a mother’s ring that my children gave me, and I just put it on.. Something did come out of this toxic marriage, 3 beautiful children. Now when I look down, I am reminded of the positive things that have come out of this marriage, our children. And this has brought me great comfort.
I thought that I had finally found my soul mate and after 2 years together she decided that she wanted to be friends. I know she got frustrated that we weren’t engaged yet and I wanted to and told her this but i had just gotten laid off from my job about a year into the relationship and was working freelance and another part-time job so I wasn’t exactly were I wanted to be financially.
So now let me give you a broad overview of our relationship. Now, she was not my first girlfriend but she was my first that lasted longer than a year. However, I was her first boyfriend and their was a slight age difference. When we first started dating I was 27 and she was 22 and came from a very strict family and in the beginning everything went very well then a little after the 6 month mark she became very clingy and would get to the point that she would sob if we weren’t going to see each other that day. Now most of her friends were away at school so she really didn’t have any friends and she said that she never really felt comfortable around my friends (which is easy to see because some of my friends girlfriends/wives tend to be anti-social with new girls in the group) so I never made her hang out with my friends and encouraged her to make some of her own friends. Her coworkers would invite her to go out often and she would always refused. So when they would invite her to go I would encourage her to go and we would both go and when she wanted to leave we would leave. Then seemed to get better for a while she became less clingy, but then I noticed that I was getting invited to go out with them less and less and the I was never invited. Then a couple of months before our 2 year anniversary her attitude seem to change she would just come over my house and fall asleep. I also know that she was getting a lot of bad advice from her friends making me sound like i wasn’t motivated to find full-time work again, and on top of that one of her guys friends started texting her all the time towards the end. She would ask me if I was ok with him texting her and I told her that I was uncomfortable with it, but I was never going to tell her who she could and could not be friends with. Also her family was an issue because one minute they loved me and her Mom would always praise me on how good of a guy I was and how she wished my girlfriend’s sister would date guys more like me, and then the next minute they hated me and I never knew why.
I could tell she was getting frustrated with not be engaged yet and started to have doubts that I wanted to marry her and I felt as if I tried to convince her other wise and that things would turn around eventually but she can be very impatient. Her friends were also telling her that you never marry your first love even though she was surrounded by people who did. So she then lays the whole I think that we should just be friends line on me and shortly after we broke up she starting dating that guy friend that was texting her. It’s been over 5 months and I am still heart broken and I feel frustrated and feel like this was my last chance at love. I was looking forward to getting married to her and being with her forever. I realize that she has moved on and I need to as well but I can’t get me mind off of her and think about her daily. Now she has contacted me wanting to be friends and still do a lot of the fun things that we did as a couple like go to the beach, ballgames and things like that. I told her that I couldn’t do that and I would need time to get over her and that we shouldn’t have contact for a while, and she got a little upset saying that I should be able to talk to her and she still doesn’t understand why I wont talk to her even now (she has texted me a couple of times asking if I was ready to talk yet). I don’t know why I won’t let myself heal I keep dwelling on the past and what we had and everything that I wanted to do together in our future. I just can’t seem to move on.
I still love her so much and I still think what she said the day she left that maybe after 6 months or a year we might be able to try again. I know this is BS and there is no chance (she even told about 2 months ago that there was nothing I could do to get us back together, and I haven’t talked to her since), but I want her back in my arms so bad it hurts. This past week has been extra tough because this week we had planned a big vacation for this week last year and I was going to propose to her. I think about her constantly and its like someone has a remote control and is changing the channel to all these wonderful memories and I have no control over it. It seems like I can remember almost everyday of the past 2 years, and there were so many more pros than cons. I mean we only had really only 2 or 3 big fights over the whole relationship and she even admitted that it wasn’t anything that was unbearable the last time i talked to her. I feel like I am never going to move on, I can’t stand the thought of never seeing her again. She loved me so much and I still can’t believe that she was able to throw me away like a piece of trash. I can’t go anywhere without some sort of memory of us being at that place, we did so much fun things and I think about her doing it with her new boyfriend and I know I shouldn’t and I try to think of something else. Also the last few times that I talked to her she is always asking me if I’ve gone out on dates or kissed another girl, and I always think that she is asking this because maybe she is having second thoughts, but then she says that she is excited to hear that I on dates. Her imaged is burned in my brain and every time I close my eyes I see her beautiful face (she had the most amazing eyes). Why won’t I let myself move on? I have done every technique that I have read about and been told by my therapist, and nothing seems to work. Whats wrong with me?
I am 24 y/o and my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years and I broke up Thursday night. The root of the problem was his infidelity that occurred about a year and 1/2 into our relationship. He was open and honest about it and I gave him a second chance. I feel that things were never the same after that. His infidelity caused me to be bitter, angry, and distant. I wasn’t the same girl he fell in love with and he, obviously, wasn’t the same guy I fell in love with. He also had some serious issues that I believe stem from his unloving childhood and the constant absence of a father-figure. All of the below are warning signs that I found online of an abusive relationship. He is guilty of every single one on more than one occasion.
• Controlling what your partner does, who he or she sees and talks to, what he or she reads, where he or she goes.
• Limiting your partner’s outside involvement.
• Demanding your partner remain home when you are not with them.
• Cutting your partner off from prior friends, activities, and social interaction.
• Using jealousy to justify your actions.
• Putting your partner down.
• Making your partner feel bad about himself or herself.
• Playing mind games.
• Interrogating your partner.
• Harassing or intimidating your partner.
• “Checking up on” your partner’s activities or whereabouts.
• Humiliating your partner, weather through direct attacks or “jokes”.
• Making your partner feel guilty.
• Shaming your partner.
I know this should make it easier but everyone knows that love is an addiction and the hardest habit to quit. He actually broke up with me saying that I deserve better and that we’ve both been unhappy. And he’s right. He text his love for me will never fade but he can’t give me what I want right now. I told him that I can’t be friends with him right now or communicate and that I don’t know how long that will be for. He said he will respect that and let me be. But he’s been texting me to see how I’m doing. Why would be do this to me? Also, the pain comes in waves. One second I’m fine and then the next I can’t breathe, walk, eat, sleep, focus…anything. I will cry so hard I feel as if my stomach is going to implode. Why am I missing someone who treated me so bad so much? I have an appointment with my doctor Monday for a therapist referral. I feel that he has ruined my self worth and self esteem and that I really need some help. We had plans of marriage and children someday together and I was expecting a proposal in the near future. This is a complete shock to me and I don’t even know how to begin to start over on my own. I wanted to be a young wife and mother and now feel my dreams have been shattered and that I will never find “the one”. I’m empty and hopeless. My thoughts are like a broken record and I he is like a drug I can’t quit. I’m constantly wondering what he is doing…what he is thinking…if he misses me. I can’t stop checking my phone. I’m miserable!!!!!!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Rachel,
it is all still very fresh. You will fall apart, and come out stronger on the other side, some time in the future. Allow your feelings, and remember the most important thing: be good to yourself in the process. You say he took your self esteem. How about that: you allowed him to do that. Try to regain control over your life and your choices. You are so very young, and it is absolute BS to think you will not find love again (although I can understand why you do that, or feel that, as it is natural!).
Good for you to have an appointment with a therapist. Do you journal? Do you have family and friends that you trust, nearby? Allow others to support you, read on this forum here (it is very helpful and there are many valuable posts) and face one day at a time. Tell him to stop contacting you, if he continues to send messages. No contact is vital now, especially in the very first stages.
And, no matter what you do or how miserable you feel, make being good to yourself an absolute number one priority. Breaking up hurts terribly, and you just have to be good to yourself to make it through the inevitable process of pain and growth. You do have tough times ahead, no doubt about that, but look at your list (about what he has been like to you) and try to stick to no contact.
Good luck!
Rachel,
Yep, you are going to be reeling from this awful gut wrenching pain initially, there is no way around this one. But rest assured, after some time passes, and you have allowed yourself your authentic emotional expression, then the pain will ebb, and you will start to see some clarity from the rage of the storm. I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s rough, but like Greenroses said, YOU ARE YOUNG!! and good for you on seeking help from a therapist, you WILL find love again. Most importantly, you will find love from yourself to give back to your self, if you are going about this in the right way, and it sounds as if you are headed in the right direction. Your journey is going to bring you so much closer to your self that one day it will feel like a joyful reunion. Hang in there, and try not to allow him contact into your private emotional crevasse right now. Ask him to keep out! You need to heal and become strong, and having his foggy insecurity, inability to love you, and his general malaise driven confusion around you is not going to help bring any clarity to you. Let him alone, you can do it. I wish you the best. Love and light, Lola.
Thank you all for your kind words and advice. Yes, I have been keeping a journal for a week now. I write in it several times a day and it has helped me a lot. I have also read some literature and the articles on this site. Right now I am wondering how I can possibly miss someone so much who treated me so bad…it doesn’t make sense at all!
Rachel,
missing him is the most natural thing that will happen now, no matter how he treated you. Do not even try to make sense of that. And do not mistake that feeling of “missing” as some sort of “undying love” you feel or anything of that kind. It is very natural to miss the things we get used to, and be attached to the past. Habits are so hard to break.
Missing is part of the grieving, and of the letting you.
But you need new habits now. New rituals, new life. Whilst building that, you will experience a lot of missing and sadness. Allow it to happen. You have spent 4,5 years together, and probably you also had some good times, no? There is a void now, and you will have to fill that with new life.
Good that you are journaling and taking active steps to start healing. Way to go!
This was to say: Missing is part of the grieving, and of the letting GO.
Missing him does NOT mean you want him back.
He won’t stop contacting me and dragging it out. He keeps saying he will always have a special place in his heart for me and to never forget him and that he will wait for my friendship. I keep saying I can’t talk and that it’s goodbye. I fear I may have to change my #! Is he still trying to control me?
It does not matter what he says or does. Maybe he is trying to control you, maybe he is not, who knows? Whatever: IT DOES NOT MATTER.
Yes, change your number if he does not respect your wishes.
And Rachel: words can be very seductive, but actions speak louder than words, right? Love is an action, not a lot of talk.
Rachel,
If you allow yourself the luxury of listening to YOUR inner voice, the girl inside of you trying to comfort you, hold you, and talk to you right now, then what you will hear are the very same words that he is saying but you will know it to be true. Your heart, will always have a special place inside for you!! She is waiting for you to come home- I know this may sound corny, but we so often ignore our hearts and listen instead to the charlatans on the outside. Why?!!
And then we feel hurt, because we have ultimately only neglected ourselves. Don’t give in to him. It’s not about him anymore, it’s about finding yourself again through all of this. Listen to yourself. This is an opportunity to check back in, this does not include the person that has subject you to ignore your heart time and time again over the span of four years. He’s had his time. He’s had his chances. It’s done. It’s good bye. Now it’s time for you. Take it. Be selfish. It’s your new lease in life. Cherish it.
Change your number. Or don’t. Let it ring. It’ll be ok. He’ll take the hint. And if not, too bad, so sad. It’s all about you now. Good luck. Love and light, Lola.
Thank you for this. It is so wonderful to find an explination for these feelings. I realise that I have been trying to ignore this process. It wasn’t until a co-worker told me I was going through the process of grieving that I realised that I wasn’t really ok. I plan to start a journal today to get through my grief. Your words have helped me feel like I can get through my break up and heal.
serenity,
Rachel, I *do* strongly suggest that you change your phone number. It doesn’t matter why he’s texting you—it’s about how he wants to feel, not what’s best for you. After you change it, I suggest you reach out to all your friends for support. And buy Susan Anderson’s book “Abandonment and Healing”—it’s an excellent book and will help you a lot probably.
Take care!!
Keep reading the blog!
I just broke down in the bathroom at work. I feel like my body cannot physically handle the grief…like it could kill me. All the joy has been sucked from my life! I know I need to hang out w/ friends and stay busy but it’s even hard to get motivated. My thoughts are ruminating on him and the past and what he’s doing and thinking now. It’s a destructive cycle that I feel will never end. Can I pick that book up at my local B&N?
Rachel,
it’s only been a few DAYS, right? This is SO VERY FRESH. Believe me, it is totally normal. Don’t panic, you can handle this. OF COURSE your thoughts are ruminating on him, of course! There is no quick fix, but what you are experiencing is perfectly normal. Be good to you.
PS Rachel, in the Anderson book you will also find explanations re. the physical symptoms that usually accompany a breakup and how all the pain is felt physically.
Rachel,
Its like that at the start, but it goes honestly. This is temporary. I second Serenity’s advice, if you can’t get it at a bookshop its on amazon.com. Re the crying, its honestly better out than in.
C.S. Lewis’s book ‘A grief observed’ really helped me in those first few awful weeks. Take heart, others have been there and got past it and there is no reason why you can’t either.
Stay close to this blog, it helped me when i could not motivate myself to be with my friends or talk about my break up etc.
Red x
One thing I really appreciate about this blog is how prompt the responses are. That has been so very helpful since once second I’m fine and the next I’m a mess. A huge thank you to everyone! You’re probably going to get tired of my whining…haha.
Hey Rachel,
This is the place to whine! We’ve all done it, and I continue to do so quite often! I echo what the others have said – know that what you’re feeling totally normal, and try not to stop yourself feeling what you’re feeling – blocking it out will not help, feel your grief, experience it and let it all out. Again as the others have said, definitely get Susan Anderson’s book – it really helps to understand exactly what you mind, soul and body are going through at this time. Mind yourself and be gentle with yourself – this stage that you’re in at the moment is very intense and very dramatic, but it doesn’t last too long, you can get through it! Take care x
I want to thank you so much for this site and the message it has been sharing over a year. I wish I had this information and support for what was going on with my break up over 4 years ago. It was with a man I dated for 6 years before I found he cheated on me in our last 6 months together. It hit me so hard I still go through the cycles mentioned above, even though I am married to a great man who cares for me.
I recently messed up and tried to message my ex after accidentally finding him on one of those connection sites. Emotions and memories just poured back. It just happened so fast, like a reaction to being pinched. It could not be helped, and I gave in to my reaction to wanting to contact him.
I talked about this with my husband and he is there for me. He wants me to get over what I am going through, but after talking with him I could not sleep. Now I am here.
I love this chain of mail. I will come back if I ever feel like I am slipping again, knowing there are many others out there who are in my same boat of feelings and are, like me, becoming a better person.
Thank you everyone.
This weekend has been especially hard. I hate that I’m letting someone who treated me so bad affect me like this. Mornings are awful since he’s usually in my dreams and waking up is just a rude reality check. I feel like someone or something has possessed my body and it’s driving me crazy. I just want to be myself again. My heart constantly races and beats so hard…it’s scary. I feel like this is never going to end. I made myself go out with some friends Friday night and that was good for me. But I looked for him everywhere and the thought of other guys just made me sick to my stomach. I made myself go to the gym yesterday too but I just ended up breaking down in the locker room while my mom held me and rocked me and people looked on with pitiful gazes. This pain aches to the very core and I can’t stop obsessing about him and what he’s doing and thinking. I feel like I’m living in a past that doesn’t want me anymore and I hate myself right now.
I’ve read this site a few times now to try and make sense of what I’m feeling. I was with my boyfriend for 4 years (He is 33 and I’m 24, both still living at home) when he announced two weeks ago that he didnt feel the same anymore, at the time I was too shocked to really say much and so I never really asked what he meant by this, how I wish I had!!
I knew he had started to withdraw, in little ways but to just say we cant continue this way, was a bit of a shock. No discussion, no trying to work it out, just finished. Did I mean that little to him? Right from the start he always had a commitment issue, he would never talk about moving out if I tried he would just clam up and go all moody.
He was my world I loved him so much I would have waited until he had sorted these issues out, but he wouldnt talk. We would talk about everything but this issue, I always thought we made a good team and we used to have a good laugh together. We had our different interests but he was always there at the end of the day, now hes not all thats there is a big void!!
I feel like I am going crazy, he is all I can think about wondering what hes up to, if he ever thinks of me etc. I do feel better than the 1st week which was just horrible but its like a differernt kind of pain, like a numbness that is always there.
One of the worse things is dreaming of him, then having it hit you all over again when you wake up, it seems so cruel! At the same time I look back on the relationship and it is fuzzy and all seems like a dream, almost as if I wasnt there. Is this normal? What does it mean? Its driving me mad trying to figure it out!?!
Have been writing a journal but just end up with the same questions again and again.
Thank God for this site. I’ve been going insane for a year and thought I had to be totally alone in all this. I’ve said to myself for a year that I have to be the only person on earth dealing with what i’m dealing with. Here’s the deal. I was an unhappily married man. I had a few female friends at work, one who I thought the world of. After a few months of flirting, we both left our spouses. Both knowing that we didn’t do it to be with each other, but that it was time. We started seeing each other and things were so wonderful. I can’t imagine a better fit for my life. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted. I’m 35, so not a youngster. I’ve been around the block. So, we had the most incredible relationship ever, for about a year. We had known each other for 3 years before. During her divorce, she fell into a deep depression and broke things off. She bailed out of life in general for a few months, then came back into mine. She keeps telling me how important I am to her and how much she wants me in her life, but that she can’t be with me. She feels like she can’t deal with a relationship and doesn’t know if she will ever be with anyone ever again. I’ve been trying to stay in her life because she was a great friend before all this, and a good friend now. It’s so hard because she truly is the love of my life. She feels the same way, but thinks she’s not cut out for a relationship. Very introverted and needs alone time. I’m the same way, so it’s not a big deal to me. She just feels a lot of grief and morning at losing her kids half the time and emotionally cheating on her ex. It’s been a year since i’ve been hurting over this and spent the first 10 months blaming on the depression and waiting for the meds to work. She now says it’s just that she doesn’t know if she ever wants to be with anyone else and has no interest in being with anyone. Help. I’m dying inside. Do i just tell her to write when she gets better or what? After all this time, I still feel like no one would ever compare.
Wow such a popular blog
Matt,
Regardless of the fact that you were unhappy in your marriage i think it still needed time for you to grieve over the loss and adjust back to single life. Moving so quickly from one relationship to another can bring the baggage from one shraight into the next and not give a person time to clear away some of the debris. I assume this is in part a contributing factor to where you are now, what do you think? If she did the same i can understand why she would be craving some alone time now.
Very sorry to hear you are hurting though, be kind to you.
Red x
Thank you! Tonight was the first time I have moved forward and tried to work through my feelings. I have been carrying a terrible load sense 2003 when a dear family friend died; and I had to put down a son’s elderly pet; and there was a graduation and a wedding; and I became caregiver for my dad. Dad was the best mentor any one could have hoped for; he died in 2004 and over night I became the trustee. Cleaning his home was so hard. Sorting through his personal belongings and then having to sell his home. Saying his eulogy when words could not begin to tell of the goodness of this person’s life.
He taught me to dream and reach for stars… He was my life’s band-aid.
Sadly, in 2005, while still struggling with attys over the trust, my husband of 27 years divorced me. (The day after Dad died he demanded 1/2 of my inheritance and I blew up at him for his terrible rudeness and inconsiderations.)
After the divorce, I moved 1500 miles away from my own home to start a new life. My health fell apart and I think a lot was due to the anger I have kept inside me.
Tonight, I wrote pages of anger. It was good to write. I am ready to accept my frustrations and my anger. It is okay to be angry. Boy, am I peeved!!!
Hugs for others who have their own personal walks to take. Be of courage and know we DO share much it common.
I said something out of anger during the break-up. I told him “that he wasn’t all that”. I feel absolutely horrible. He said that it was down right mean and that there is nothing I can say or do that will change the fact that I said something so terrible. I would love to apologize but he has made that clear that there are no words to reverse that I said it. And a comment like that, just isn’t me.
Can you give me some advice?
Lea: I’ve had those years. I hope you have a good attorney who lets you know that inheritance is not marital property! Welcome to the blog.
Teri: move on from it. He’s said there is nothing you can say to reverse it. Just move on from there.
Teri:
The best advice I can give you is the following:
You can NOT control how HE feels or what HE thinks, and to be honest IT DOES NOT MATTER.
What DOES matter is that YOU learn from what you said and why you said it so that YOU can move forward. Use what happened as an OPPORTUNITY to grow instead of one to beat yourself up over.
We all say things we don’t mean sometimes, but not all of us do our best to identify, take responsibility, and make amends.
And making amends does NOT mean going back to any person(s) involved. Sometimes making amends is as silently putting out into the universe your apology and then making a commitment (and following through to the best of your ability) to doing things differently from there on out.
However, if you feel compelled though to pour your heart out into a letter about this to your ex (to help release your feelings around this), go ahead and write the letter. BUT DO NOT SEND IT! No good can come from that…
I also HIGHLY recommend you complete Susan’s relationship inventory – VERY HELPFUL and the exercise leads to writing that good-bye letter. You can find instructions on how to go about that here: http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2007/06/13/letting-go-the-relationship-inventory/
Lastly, remember there is a reason this relationship came to end. To steal a line from a great book I read recently, “They call it a break-up because it is broken.” So please be gentle with yourself, do your grief work, get support from those who truly love you, and remind yourself that once you get through this, a happier and more fulfilling relationship is just waiting for you.
Hugs,
SmilingAngel
eh?
Susan,
is there a way to stop this nonsense? Someone seems to need some advertising and misuses each thread!
I took them all off. They are automatic when the site is linked to from somewhere else. I get them when I link from one post to another.
Thank you Susan. I just found this post and I feel like you’re talking right to me. How do I deal with mutual friends between me and my exgirlfriend?
How do you get through lonely nights? That seems to be when I am most “blue”, and I think of my ex.
D,
I’m sorry the nights are tough. The weekends are the toughest for me and I try to have plans to stay busy. When I start thinking about him or us I say “STOP” and then try to focus on something else.
Have you done the inventories? I have a tendency to only think about the good parts so the inventories bring balance back to my thoughts. They make me think about the not so good times and how his actions hurt me …. more than once.
Good luck, post here, journal, read and eventurally there will be a night that is a little easier.
mim2004,
You are so right about the weekends. I thought I would stay busy tonight, so I went to Salamanca to the Casino, wrong place to go! My ex and I went there together a few times a year. That was a place where we had fun, even through our rough marriage. I was playing the slots and forgot for a minute that we were not together and started looking for him. Maybe I set my self up? I don’t have many outside interests, I don’t drink and he didn’t dance, which I loved to do, but have not in many years. The good thing was that every time I started to cry, I won a hundred dollars. I walked out of there with $400. The casino is not a good place to go because there is no socialization because everyone is intent on their own machine. I have to find an interest. It doesn’t help that my children go camping with my ex, their father. That’s wonderful that they can do that as he has control of all of the business money and I have none. Do you sense some hostility there? But everyone says don’t make the kids take sides. (they are grown). It’s so hard not to. I believe that they have taken sides. Here it is Labor day and not one of my 3 children or their families have asked me to do anything. Oh! What an awful feeling.
Maybe I’ll start that inventory this weekend to keep busy and my mind off of everyone else having fun.
To everyone out there reading this,
I just wanted to tell you all about a wonderful movie that struck me to my core. THE DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN. I could relate to each and every moment and struggle that she had. I saw my husband in the husband she had, and even though my husband didn’t leave me, I could relate to her struggle. When I thought that I would have to turn it off, because it hit tooooo close to home, it would have a lighter side. Wonderful quotes about God and Life. I can’t say more as I don’t want to give the movie away. But you need to watch it.
Thanks to everyone who has shared their experience on this site, and for all the advice and support- I’ve found it really useful over the last month or two.
I’d really appreciate some advice, as I can’t seem to get myself going again.
I split up with my partner 3 months ago, after 2 1/2 yrs together. We had really great times together, spent most of our time together and I was totally in love with him – thought he was ‘the one’ and we were meant to be. I put my house on the market last summer to move in with him, but (thankfully!!!) it didn’t sell.
I lost my job last Sept as the company went into liquidation, and I found a part-time job and some freelance work, but since then, I’ve been under lots of financial pressure. I don’t enjoy the pt job and feel undermined and frustrated by it – though I’m trying to feel better about it. I’ve applied for several other jobs but no luck so far.
In May my ex ended it, saying he’d been having doubts since Christmas. I’d sensed it, and that had been an extra burden on me. I hadn’t been feeling very confident due to all the pressure I was under, and felt I didn’t look very good either – gets to be a vicious circle. I found some texts to a woman in Feb and challenged him about them – he said it meant nothing, but it damaged the trust I had in him. Part of me wishes I’d finished it myself then, but I thought we could work it out.
Although he said he wanted to ’stay friends’, I’ve stuck to not contacting him, and he’s getting less and less important to me over time. I’ve done a lot of writing which has helped me express the grief and anger I felt.
The problem now is that I’m struggling to find motivation to get my life moving again. I have a small circle of friends, and don’t want to lean on them too much. I’ve put on weight and don’t feel good in anything I wear. I know it’s up to me to sort things out, but find it hard to get myself to do anything. I’ve found classes in dance and pottery which I enjoyed when I went but I find myself making any sort of excuse not to go. I wish I could reach out to people and just ‘be myself’ but I’m not getting very far! I’m scared of getting into a downward spiral if I carry on spending too much time on my own.
It would be great to hear from anyone who feels or has felt the same.
Lizard369, keep those spirits up!! Don´t let yourself sink, spend a bit of money on classes, you don´t sound too inspired by those ones you mention, what about yoga, pilates, pastels, gym? Find a few things you are excited about and go DO THEM … if you can´t get excited about these ideas think for a while until you find some new things you WOULD be excited about .. .and chase them up …
Move onwards and upwards. Make the effort and life will meet you more than halfway … but you have to make the effort. This is your life, the only one … it´s worth investing a lot of energy and time into making it a good life … in fact it´s worth every bit of energy you have … I think rereading your reply above that you need to start with the physical, you need to go buy lots of healthy foods and throw out everything that´s in your house that won´t do you any good to eat. Get a new eating plan happening and join a gym … start with the physical and go from there, everything feels better when you feel good about the way you look, so important for females … and guys too but there´s nothing like feeling like you look great. Start there … a nice guy wouldn´t have sent those messages to someone else, or made you feel like you weren´t attractive enough, a guy who adores you wouldn´t care if you put on a few pounds. He wasn´t it, so get in shape and in condition so that you can meet It … forget the other one … put all your time and energy into building the new you … don´t forget how much you can change yourself in say, 6 months … your skills, your diet, your appearance … make a plan … get ready for your new life …
Lola
Your post was very honest and accurate. I have gone through this several times, for I am a hopeless romantic and your advice is very true. I have read many of your posts and I really feel for all of you. We are all tied together through the joys and pains of love.
I just don’t know how this column applies to two people who want to be together, love each other, know that they belong together, but she still can’t get over her ex because they work together. They are EMT’s and work for FEMA, so they spend a lot of time together and every time she is near him, her heart get’s confused, but she knows that I am the one who will give her what she wants and make her truly happy. But her feelings for him are strong when they work together.
She is attached to her job (loves it) and he is a big part of it. We have only been dating two months and they were together two years. She decided to leave him because he could never commit to her and give her the family she desperately wants. Our time was magical from the beginning and we found soul mates in one another. At first, we thought I was her rebound, but we have proven several times that it is the real thing.
We have separated a couple of times before for the same reason, but she always came back. This time, we decided to separate for real because her working conditions were hurting me and our relationship. I cannot ask her to change her career over a two month relationship. We definitely love each other, but I am afraid during our time apart, things will change. She is asking me to give her time to heal and she hopes she can straighten herself out before I move on because she does not want to lose me.
Should I wait, or is this just false hope on her part trying to be soft and nice? Is she even feeling the grief and torture that I am since it is her initiating the break-up, and I also thought it was best.
Any advice for a broken heart? Thank you in advance.
I don’t have a clue what she is doing but it seems that you are idealizing the situation (and her). She wants what she wants when she wants it. She’s not in a place to give anything to a relationship and my advice to you would be to move on.
Hey everyone,
I was broken up with four days ago now and it came completely from the blue. We broke up on bad terms (with me agreeing that it was a good idea, although I said that in the heat of the moment, although perhaps it was my subconscious making a good decision for me) and we are due to meet again this weekend so he can better explain to me his reasons. I think I do need to meet him as right now I can’t comprehend his reasons and I’m going through a hundred different options in my head, each one worse than the next. At least the truth will narrow the possibilities down. Anyway, the main reason I’m posting here is that I’m finding the absolute hardest thing is to get angry with him. By breaking up the way we have, he has not treated me fairly or justly, he is making me wait to hear his reasons (meanwhile I’ll be in limbo wondering whether we’ll still make up), and although I’m now committed to the NC rule I did text message him yesterday and ask if we could meet sooner, because I didn’t know if I would want to know his reasons anymore by next weekend. So far, he has failed to reply – a power game he frequently played in our relationship. It is devastating to think that someone I think the world of would be capable of knowingly hurting me so much. I guess my main problem at the moment is trying to come to terms with the fact that he is not the man I thought he was. But I can’t accept that, because it reflects terribly on me – I have been blind to him for the last few years and I’ve lost friends over fights about him. I am feeling incredibly low at the moment, trying to keep busy but starting to really resent him for the manner in which he did this. We had a great relationship and I can’t help but feel like he could have gone about this in a much more humane way.
C, there’s a chance that anger will come, and it should come as it is a part of loss. Whether or not you can find what to be angry about. As I read your post, I noticed how you seem to be aware that you deluded yourself. That is hard to accept by oneself and hard to forgive oneself for, but a million gazillion people have done it. You’d have compassion and understanding for them, so you deserve to get it from yourself also.
Susan suggests that the person you see at the end of the relationship is closer to the real person than the one you imagined you were with. When I think of this, I think of my good breakups, and I have to concur. The few selfish guys I’ve dated have ended the relationship in very specifically damaging and selfish ways- the ones who were more caring and strong did not.
C – Serenity is totally right. It took me soooo long to get angry, i could not reconcile the person i was with for all that time with the person who casually ended it out of the blue. It took me ages to match the two people up into one in my head. When i did, eventually, i got angry at him and not at myself – it helped. Be patient and kind to yourself – it’ll come.
Even though anger is not promoted here, I don’t see how a person can deal with any sort of demeaning treatment by another without getting angry. Anger in and of itself can be a healthy reaction. It can empower us and give us strength to do what we normally would never think possible. The flip side is that it can also consume us, and it is the balance of that emotion that so many of us lack.
Infidelity brings rage and anger. (At least in my situation) To find out the person you loved like no other has lied, pretended and given great mental time to undermining a marriage is the perfect receipe for anger. It is sick and so hard to wrap one’s brain around.
I believe that anger is a huge part of the recovery process. I’ve read a couple of different posts about anger and if you search for them you’ll find them. I think that for some of us anger is really hard to access. First we are in shock and in pain and it hurts. Anger is in all those feelings but to separate it out is difficult….it’s like we don’t want to believe that we could be treated like that….in fact we probably dont believe at first, it must be something else, maybe something we did or misunderstood. Anger is really hard. Once you process through the hurt though, anger will definitely come up.
C – you hit the nail on the head and others also agree that “he is not the man who I thought he was”. If you really really think about it….isn’t it more accurate to say, “he is not the man I made him out to be”. That’s so classic, it’s what we do – we want love and if we see the potential we gloss over the stuff we dont want to see, but it’s still there. Dont’ feel bad about that, as Serenity said gazillions of us do it….I used to feel bad about that but since reading that it’s common, all I want to do is work on me and why I do that, I dont want to feel bad about it – I just want to fix it.
But you are in right in the thick of things and you need to take care of yourself. If after you talk with him, you feel you dont have any more answers, it’s ok. Just come back to the site and check in, search for posts that will help you get your head around what has happened. Above all remember that you are strong and whatever happens you can weather it. Dont feel bad about not feeling certain feelings, it will come to you when you are ready. Just feel whatever you are feeling and know that all of us have been through this. I’m six months in to my breakup and if you would have seen me six months ago – well I was a crying mess. So just give into whatever you are feeling and let it come, this time is for feeling not so much for figuring things out.
I just realized C that your post was back on 9/9 so much of what I wrote probably won’t help in your situation but I’ll leave it because maybe it might help someone else.
So, how are you doing?
Hey C, I know just what you are talking about, I used to ask people “what I am supposed to DO with all this anger”, I had such rage that I could be treated so badly by someone I thought loved me. And also rage at myself for not seeing it coming, for choosing SOOO badly. I know that feeling.
I had the opinion that if I went to see a therapist or really looked at this anger he had won completley, that just getting busy and building a new life was the answer. Wrong, years later I was still freaking out in weird ways in new relationships and when I finally DID see a therapist I dissolved in tears and couldn´t breathe as I was talking to her about the situation AS IF IT HAPPENED YESTERDAY. It doesn´t go away, I realise that now, you have to really look at it. I was terrified of not being able to handle the pain of all the loss i felt. Susan´s site made me realise I HAD TO and COULD look at it, then doing some more research I found the EFT technique for dealing with all the rage and other emotions that come up … http://www.mercola.com/forms/eftcourse.htm.
It works. Whatever you do don´t just leave the rage floating round in your body, that leads to diseases and classic textbook cases of depression and isolation. Get it out, look at it, and try the EFT thing. It´s easy, costs nothing and it works, I´m here to tell you. And it actually moves it, the things you couldn´t face or breathe about yesterday … you do enough work on them using this technique, by tomorrow you just won´t feel that charge when they cross your mind. And you are free to go and live your new life … with new and better people … then you will start to realise the breakup was a good thing, released you from this moron, forced you to correct the error in your judgement when you chose the loser, and things will start to look up …
Don´t waste your energy trying to fix something that isn´t fixable or feeling angry about a moron who was only ever going to behave like … a moron. Get it out of your system and move on to better things …
Lola
Serenity, Hintofred-
Any tips on how you “lined up” the Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde? I still struggle with that classic “splitting.” I know the brain can’t process sad and mad at the same time (you have to pick one), so I actually have a “rap sheet” of all the crummy stuff ‘Naner Deluxe did to me for emergency use; can’t afford to miss more work over this crap.
Lola -
I’m with you about dealing with the anger, that rage comes up I really am shocked at the dark, sadistic thoughts that enter my head. I have to remind myself it’s a false sense of power….I don’t want to get stuck in it. The Script (from “Feelings Buried Alive Never Die”) has been very useful for me as well as EFT, and has helped me with panic attacks. Several of my friends swear by it, and can address many issues with EFT alone, thank you for posting that link.
Hi everyone, C here again, thanks for your advice.
Serenity, what you said about the person you see at the relationship is closer to the real person than the one you imagined you were with, really struck a chord with me, as did Julie’s point about that he was not the man i made him out to be. These are things I’m going to terms with at the moment. We met up and it definitely helped as I was left in no doubt that we would get back together.
He said he didn’t want a girlfriend right now, that he needed ‘headspace’ and that he felt we were getting ‘too intense’. To be honest I would have preferred if he had come right out and said ‘I don’t have feelings for you anymore’, but perhaps it’s less hurtful to have to read the subtext for yourself. He was very upset at the meeting. I was afraid I would cry but he started to cry first (only the second time in three years I have ever witnessed this). He appeared to feel bad about the way he broke up with me (completely out of the blue, 24 hours after we had been apart but in daily contact for two months) and he apologised for this, which helped a little bit.
We agreed to not speak for a few months as it would be too difficult. And we haven’t. It’s been 10 days now since our last meeting. I have my good days and bad days, but more good days of late. It drives me crazy sometimes when I try to figure out what he’s doing. And it kills me that after spending so much time apart recently (we’ve been in a LDR for the last 8 months and visited him 2 months ago and he’s just arrived back home), and for him to have constantly said how much he’s looking forward to seeing me when he comes home, to now for him to be completely okay with not speaking to me, not knowing how i am – its just incredible. I don’t know how he can turn off his feelings like that. Maybe he’s a pitiful wreck but I doubt it.
Despite all this, I am in a positive frame of mind. I am very proud of myself for having maintained NC for these 10 days. NC is made much easier by the fact that I know it will only push him away if I do contact him, and that I’m sure he fully expects me to ring him crying one night soon BUT I REFUSE TO DO THAT. I do still hope he’ll come around and realise that he’s being an idiot about things, but now I think it’s just so I can tell him that I’m not interested in being with him anymore (in a very measured, kind-hearted way) Thanks to everyone for their advice and support and I think I’ll be okay, I vary between wanting to get an email from him because I miss hearing from him so much, to hoping he doesn’t contact me at all because I know it will only set me back. it’s just not easy but I guess that’s life :)
Hi All,
Your posts has become my the greatest strength lately. 6 months ago i found out that my husband of 11 years was cheating on my behind. Not only cheating but he was planning to leave me and start a life with OW. I never see it was coming my way. We were having problems because i was trying to help my family to stablish in USA. I was in very demanding job at the same time i was busy helping my family. My hubby felt left out and ignored and i did not sense that at all. He was really close with my family and i thought he is happy spending time with them. Since i had so much resposibility at home and at work i became irritated with everyone. I would get angry of smallest things. My husband felt really hurt (now he told me) and humiliated. He went to out of the country to spend some time with his family and he met someone he had cursh while he was in high school. He get connected with her and started sharing his problems with her. He started having emotional affair with her which later bacame the physical also. When he came back he was a changed man. I did not know what had happend to him. Later i found a lovely text from OW. It was a wake up call for me. My husband loved me very much all these s 11 years. I didn’t have any compalin at all. I always came first in our relationship. He took care of all my needs whether it was little or big. I was devestated when i found out about the affair and he did not lie to me at all. He told me why it happend. I begged him to give me another chance but he refused. He agreed to stay with me as a roommate until i recover (i was a mess). But luckily the OW did not want to cuntinue with my husband because she sensed that she was doing wrong involving with a married man. 3 months was a hell for me as my husband wouldn’t talk to me or besides saying hello and goodnight. He would text her infront of me and talk to her infront of me. It killed me slowly. Whatever happend i did not stop me from loving my husband. I would cook for him, cleaned the apt lookafter his small needs. compliment him when he looked good, i would give him a hug and goodnight kiss before i went to bed. I stoped fighting. Slowly he started talking to me… we started going to movie together… go out to have dinner together… after 6 months we are able to sleep in the same bed (we are still not intimate yet). Its been a month he hasn’t texted her or talked to her. Yesterday we went to look for home to buy….. what a change! i am hoping and praying that he remains like this. We are talking about getting back together… just wanted to let you know there is a hope if you believe in yourself and your love!
Hi Susan. I myself am going through a break up (I think). I really needed some advice and found your site. THANK GOD!! I don’t feel so alone. I don’t understand why people cheat. Why can’t they just come out and tell you whats going on?
Bob and I have been together for 7 yrs. These have been very rewarding years as well as painful. He is an chronic alcoholic. At the beginning of our relationship it was like a cinderella story.
My parents gave me and my brothers away. I was 11 at the time. My parents had been divorced for 2 yrs and my mom just couldnt raise us. We all went to different foster homes. At 18 I met the love of my life. We had 3 children together. This was a very abusive relationship. After 11 yrs, I finally called it quiets. I left him and got involved with another man.
Of course that was a failed relationship. It was totally loveless. After a course of a few short term relationships, I met Bob.
We fell in love quickly. He drove 4 hours every weekend to come and see me. I would have dropped everything to spend time with him. We enjoyed each other sooo much. 6 months into this relationship, my exhusband died in a car accident. We were all devastated. I grieved like a widow. I’m sure it was hard for him to love me and watch me grieve over another man. Bless his heart.
4 yrs into the relationship, Bob was in a car accident. He broke his neck in 2 places and had bleeding on the brain along with othe injuries. The doctors said he is a miracle. He should have never lived with these injuries.
Since his accident, his drinking got worse. His anger is off the charts. His decision making is very strange, the people he has been hanging around with are mentally disturbed. He is chosing to hang around with alcoholics who don’t work. All they want to do is drink from the time they get up til the time they go to bed. He works 12 hrs a day.
Shortly after the accident, Bob was falsely accused of raping a woman. He sat in jail for 7 months fighting for his freedom. He was found not guilty. There was no dna and her story was not credible. She was trying to break us up and used this as her ammo. It was so devistating.
His semi truck was burned to the ground. We never found out who burned his truck. He has been in and out of jail since the acusation of rape. Currently he has been out of jail since December. He is on probation. If he gets caught drinking he will do a year and a day in prison.
Over the last few months, his friends have told me that he has been seeing another woman. He denies it. I have met the other woman. She is very unatractive and mentally not all there either. I am devestaded. He tells me he loves me with all his heart and will never leave me. I’m sitting here on saturday morning. Its almost noon and he still hasnt called. I am sure he is drunk and with her. I am devestated. I have started counseling. He volenteered that if I ever wanted him to go with me he would.
Why would he make me look like such a fool. After eveything we have been through. I had tried to leave a few times. He calls and baggs me not to leave him. It breaks my heart. I do love him heart and soal. I only want to leave because of the instanity that we’ve been dealing with. If he’s seeing someone else than I have no reason to stay. Why would he bag me still to stay if he is seeing someone else? His phone calls are fewer and fewer but when he calls he always says he will never leave me and will love me forever.
I am at the point now that I know I need to leave him. I am going through all the physical withdrawel and emotional termoil of grief. I don’t want it to be over but I know it is.
Hi. My boyfriend for 1 year and 3 months left me saying that he needs to be alone. I was devastated. He was my first boyfriend and we’ve been dating for 4 years before we became a couple. He’s also a close friend of mine before the dating happened.
I love him so much. During the first week of our break up, I begged him to come back but he said he wants me to leave him alone.
I was depressed thinking what went wrong. The break up was sudden. I didn’t see it coming. A week after our break up, I lost 8 pounds because I haven’t ate and slept right.
I still think of him a lot. But after weeks of being depressed, I decided that I should stop contacting him. That if he’ll come back, then he will.
Honestly, I’m still hoping he would but I’m trying my best not to think of that hope that someday he’ll come back.
I’m still confused whether I should open my doors to other possible partner or not because I know in my heart that I still love my ex so much.
Please help.
Hi First Timer
This is hard isnt it? We are all on this site for similar reasons and so you will find a lot of great resources on this site.
The first thing that is so important is to take care of yourself. I know that when my ex and I broke up, eating and sleeping well were just not happening. But you have to try. Your body will get hungry so when you can, try and eat something healthy. Also try and sleep. Your body is going through an adjustment right now, all these emotions will really take a toll on you, so do what you can to take care of you. Your body needs its strength to handle this. If it’s sick and weak it will be that much harder.
The second thing to do is realize that you have been hurt and adding another person in your life will only complicate things. YOu need to spend time feeling your feelings over your boyfriend…it’s no fun to cry and feel pain but it’s important to get it out.
These are the most important things to do…take care of yourself and feel your feelings. The rest will come later. Just think of you right now.
There are a lot of good posts on this site that will help you think through things, but take your time and be good to you. OK?
PS> Also start a journal, just grab a notebook and start writing out your feelings, or start a doc on the computer and hammer out all your thoughts. ONce you get them out then they are less jumbled up inside and it’s easier to be clear about things.
Take care
Hey Susan, Me and my ex were together for 5 1/2 years. She ended things with me last December. I love her with all my heart but i realize before the break-up it had to be done. Things were just going bad but when we broke up it hit me so hard and then found myself wanting the relationship even more. I couldn’t eat or sleep, I felt so alone and no direction. Then she ends up dating somebody so quickly like we didn’t even matter. I felt so confuse because I didn’t know how to deal with everything. This was my first true love and real relationship. Anyways I was trying to cope and get through it , but she was still around telling me that she love me and could see us getting back together. That gave me hope because i wanted it back but it would also cause aggravation because she would be in & out of my life when she wanted too. I tried to do my own thing but I always found myself trying to connect with this person. I was in-denial, I never excepted the break-up. I thought about us everyday. I look at all the good memories we had. I didn’t look at reasons why we broke up. I started to change things little by little. I started becoming more social again and tried to worry about me. Then another obstacle came in my life, I got sick with cancer. So that sent me backward, dealing with cancer and break-up was too much. Anyways my ex came back in the picture for the beginning process, she was there for count-list visit to the hospital and my surgery. We were doing well, she was by my side. We even talked about getting back together. That kind of draw me back in. We’ll things got a little bad with my health situation. She started being distant with me, we started talking less, she would find different excuse of why she wouldn’t come around. She would still tell me that she believe us but her action were different. The guy she was talking to before became more of and option. I felt like a alien from another planet the way was treating me. I said something to here about how things were with us and she said knew, and that she was scare about me being sick and she didn’t want to lose me because she loss ex boyfriend to sickness a couple of years ago. I understood and I gave it the benefit of doubt. It still would give me mixed emotion. I thought if anything she would be closer me to because of all we been through. It’s a rough time for me right know. If she was sick or needed anything, u wouldn’t have to question my heart at all. Things with us are bad, she calls every other 5 says or whenever she feels like it. We don’t see each other, if anything I would pass through her job sometimes to see how she’s doing. Whenever she’s going through problem I’m always there to help and be there for her but when it comes to me she says far. She very good with words, she how she feels when we see each other. Two weeks ago she asked if I still love her and I didn’t know what t say but she said she loves me but treats me like a stranger. I read your post. I just gonna try to take it day by day and get through this.
I just came from the mall, and with all the Christmas things up, I was so sad. It just hit me, How do I get through the holidays? Even though they were not the greatest, we had 34 years of holidays. It has been 6 months and I am healing in so many ways, but am so lonely.
Dottie…
I hear you! I am feeling that dread coming up too but what makes me feel better is that I am a whole and better individual than I was before. I just think about the gratitude that I have towards myself and how I have taken the time and taken the steps to heal myself. Not just heal myself from the break up, but heal myself as a person. Going through this process has opened my eyes in a lot of ways and I feel really good about that. I look back on previous holidays with my ex and I could easily get stuck on thinking about the good things or even the bad things but what’s the point. I’m looking forward to experiencing the holidays in a whole new healthy way. One day I will once again have someone to spend the holidays with but for now it’s ok to just be me.
Have you ever written a gratitude list? I think Susan has a post on that and it seems like a good thing to do this time of year. I’ll try and find a link to it.
Also I would REALLY recommend finding something that will give your holidays new meaning. Volunteer work for example could bring a new perspective. Especially this time of year, there are so many people and animals that need extra love.
Take care…let the spirit of the holidays find you and bring you peace. It may be a little early for this type of wish for others but I think many of us are seeing the trimmings and wrappings go up in the stores and feel the weather change and we know it’s coming. So lets get a jump on our holiday wishes but for ourselves first.
Dear Julie,
Thank you so much for your response. I will look for that gratitude list. Maybe I’m not as “well” as I thought I was. I have had a lot of time to figure out and find out who I really am, and it has opened up a whole new world. I thought I was over him more than I am, I mean in order to miss him and the holidays. I do not like setbacks. I go along doing fine then a darn Christmas Tree in a store sets me off. I think I am going to skip the malls this year. But again thank you for the comforting reply.
It’s been amazing to me how physical the symptoms have been. I have been very physically ill and the symptoms lasted over a month.
I am just now getting better.
This article helped me realize that all the feelings I have been experiencing are a part of healing. It’s good to know that I am acting normal because of everything I’ve been through. I thought that I was losing it. I have been through all the steps in the Emotional Loss of my last breakup. Your article helped me move through them quicker than I would have alone, I would have done all the things it advises us NOT to do and I’m thankful that I found this site and read this material. Thanks so much!
Hey everyone…. about a month ago I lost my Girl of Almost 3 years. And I cry so hard I almost can’t move. I did so much for this girl… but i treated her so badly… resented her for the things I did for her and didn’t see in return… I could type on and on about the whole situation… but the bottle line comes down to, if I ever want a chance with her again, ive gotta pull myself up from my bootstraps, and learn to cope with the fact that Its going to be a long time before, if ever, That I get to try again with her…. She says she loves me like a member of her family, but not in the way that she used to. In the way that I love her.. Its so hard to be friends with her… I just have to learn not to expect things… The biggest problem with this right now is that my anger is what destroyed our relationship, and the last thing i need to do is get mad… Im in anger management class, so its a start… I don’t know… I just wish a lot of things in my life were different now, especially since i don’t have the one who used to make me believe I was worth something…
Thanks for this article though.. The countless people it has helped has really breathed some inspiration into my veins… I”ll be here alot…
Hey Everyone
This site is amazing, its funny how when your in the pain, reading about others pain helps you to heal.
I have had a few relationships that have gone badly and as the result from not healing those unresolved issues I just took it to my next relationship and once again I am alone because of it.
So from all my experiences get yourself sorted out first whether it be through counselling or some other form.
We all make mistakes, no one is perfect just be grateful you had a love to lose and hopefully from your own pain you will learn to cherish your next love when you have healed.
Just remember you own your heart and how you give it depends on you and you alone.
From one broken heart to another, life is short make your heart journey the one that counts.
Cheers
Hi all,
Well Im not quite sure where to start but It looks like this site is a great place to start!! My boyfriend of 3 and 1/2 years Broke up with me about two months ago. He said he just needed space to figure out what it is he wants in his life. He told me he has alot going on in his life and wants to be by himself for now. Over the past two months we have emailed each other a few times and ive seen him once, which I now know has been the biggest mistake, because each time I write to him on email or see him, it seems like the whole process just starts all over again. The pain and agony of seeing him and then having to walk away and not know where I stand!
I had booked a holiday for the two of us to go on a island for 10 days and we were meant to be leaving just after christmas! I have had to cancel my plans, and have several christmas presents sitting under my tree for him. I thought he would have made up his mind as to whether or not he wants to be with me by now, but he hasnt and he wont give me a straight answer which makes it 10 times harder, as I am lost not knowing what he wants! He told me that he still loves me and just needs time apart to think about what he really wants in his life. Each day the holidays are getting closer and the more depressed and hurt I get.
I have a million thoughts running through my mind as to why he has called this “time apart” ranging from him seeing someone else, to him thinking im not good enough?? I have no idea and its driving me up the wall. I havent eaten a proper meal in weeks and my boss has pulled me up for the lacking in my work. I just cant help it, I cant concentrate as he is on my mind 24/7 and i love him dearly! I try to be strong and tell him that I wont take it anymore and tell him im moving on and just as I work up the courage to do that I get all emotional and scared that ill lose him!
Any suggestions as to what I should do are encouraged! No one really understands what I am going through and they tell me how hard could it possibly be to tell him to take a hike, but its just not that easy???
I really want to know how I can be strong enough to stop all contact, how do I build up the strength to do that…..
It feels good to let it all out though, so I guess thats a start….
Anna,
I am sorry that your 3-and-a-half-year relationship has ended with such a cloud of ambiguity. It sounds to me that he wants out and is just cowering around admitting it to you, which is indicative of the type of man he is–not one you want! There is no reason that you should wait around to see what his answer will be about the relationship. You have a say, too, and his actions suggest that he has jumped ship. It has NOTHING to do with you not being good enough so please don’t think that for a minute. It has to do with his personal crisis and poor decision-making skills.
As for where to find the strength to break contact, the short answer is that you need to just do it. Like a bandaid. Make the decision to tell him you’re done with him and his nonsense and are moving on with your life and don’t wish for contact. Then follow through with it by deleting him on your phone, blocking him on your email, not answering if he contacts you, etc. It’s extremely hard to do but it will help you break away from this bananahead.
I’d also recommend seeing a therapist, journaling, and giving the presents you bought for him to charity, to kids who will appreciate your kindness.
Best of luck.
I was just dumped by someone I love, after almost 10 years. All of the emotions described in this article are really happening. I know I have to work through this but am worried because this is the second time we broke up. The first time was several years ago, and even almost a year after, I was still stuck in heavy grief.
We ended up getting back together and I was happy. But now that I’ve been through this before, I am terrified that I will be ’stuck’ again for a long, long time. I don’t know how long is reasonable to wait for the sadness to lift. I went to a therapist last time and that was a waste of money.
My girl-friend broke up with me 2 days after Christmas. We were in her hometown when this occured. We met this past March and maintained a long-distance relationship until August when she moved in with me.
We were happy… we loved each other. But two days after Christmas, she told me she didn’t think she loved herself enough. That half of her loved me and the other half didn’t. And said she felt like she was probably losing the best thing she’d ever had.
My emotions at this point is in fact devastation. I entered into my apartment to find all of her things gone. She drove all the way back home. My first reaction was to cry and I instinctively grabbed my chest for the pain that I felt.
It’s so sad to me. I feel like she was very homesick and was depressed. She had just recently started taking an anti-depressant.
I think I felt anger at first. I felt hurt (still do). I have trouble sleeping, and I hear her in my dreams. In my dream I ask, “Are you going to miss me,” and she responds in the dream, “I don’t think so…” I wake up in sweats… and anxiety. I have no appetite, but I’m making myself eat something to at least give me the energy I need. I know I’m exhausted, and very tired. This break-up has taken a toll on my entire body.
I think I may still be in denial–hoping to hear from her again. Maybe she’ll get home and recover from her homesickeness and miss me. But I know I can’t hold on to that hope because it’s not healthy.
Kasey
It sounds like your girlfriend had lots of things she is dealing with and maybe she’s doing what is right for her right now. Moving away from her hometown and moving in with someone new is a lot to have to change pretty quickly. She’s smart to take care of herself – I know it still hurts though.
It sounds like you are doing what you can to….and you know what that is all you can do. Before you go to bed, do you journal at all? Dreams are made up in our own heads – it’s our own subconscious working through things. It’s not the energy of the world or our ex’s coming into our dreams. It’s is OUR own mind working stuff out. So give it a little help…maybe before you go to bed, try dumping your thoughts into a journal. That’s usually when I do. Sometimes I cry a lot but tears are good things…they dont feel good, but it’s a release of all the stress and pain. Then usually sleep comes easier and it’s less traumatic because I’m working out the pain in my concious world and I dont need to do it in my dreams. Sleep needs to be restful…especially during this time.
You are right – try not to hold out hope for her to recover and return. It might happen and it might not….who knows. What is for certain is that fixating on that is not good for you. It just recreates stress and pain. For now think about you and getting through this very difficult time. There are lots of posts on this site that will help you. Mostly remember that the breakup is not indicative of you as a person so please remember you are important and have value and you need to treat yourself well.
I do keep a journal, and it seems to be a wonderful outlet. Crying to go along with the writing, but you are right, Julie, crying helps get out all those emotions that are trying to get out.
I haven’t been so torn about a break-up in 4 years. She really got to me. I can’t imagine her not loving me. I know that sounds like denial, and as if I’m just hoping. You can tell this is still raw for me. My thoughts are that she was just so homesick that it truly was making her sick. She told me during the break up that she’d “probably lost the best thing she’d ever have…” minutes before, she was asking for a second chance because we had gotten into a small arguement. I asked her why she brought me all the way to her hometown and away from my family when it would end up like this… she said, “I wanted you here with me.”
Just days before the break up, she was asking about us getting another, bigger place of our own. She also mentioned how attached she’d gotten to my dog–it was her dog. All of this was unsolicited. The day we left for her hometown, she sent me an email saying how excited she was to be spending our first Christmas together.
It was hard walking into the apartment and not finding a single note. She had gotten me gifts for Christmas, but we hadn’t exchanged them. She took the gifts with her.
I only wish I understood this more. I feel like she loves me. It’s so hard being in this apartment where she was with me every day and now she’s gone.
Hurting. I need closure. I need to know that it was just as real for her as it was for me. =(
uh-oh…. i saw my ex on the road today. i was driving east and he was driving west. it sent me reeling. i have no idea if he saw me. but all i can think of now is how much i miss him… how good he looked… god, he’s so gorgeous… how badly i want him to come back… wondering where he’s going, what he’s doing, who he’s going to see… the feeling at that exact moment of seeing him was pure excitement… and then afterwards, so intense that i thought i was going to throw up on the side of the road. it put me back a couple of steps, for sure. it’s so hard to keep up NC, but i know he won’t talk to me… so what’s the point. i know he is moving on with his life. i keep wanting to spy on him, but i know that makes me look pretty crazy. it’s only been two weeks now since the split.
kasey…
i feel your pain. it’s a rotten time. our stories are similar in some ways… he had a dog and i had come to love it was my own dog… so when he left, i not only feel the emptiness of him not being here, but the dog as well. i have my own dog, and i can tell she misses her mate, too. it’s heartbreaking. he left right at christmas time as well, so i have to return some of the gifts i bought him… i gave him the ‘non-returnable’ gifts, which made him cry because they were pretty thoughtful… but then he turns around and leaves, anyways, and takes my gifts with him… but made sure to tell me everything he got me. what a jerk!
aaaaarghh!! why do i think i love this jerk?! i’m so confused.
anna –
even if he says he wants ’space’ or ‘to take a break’… try to deal with it as though it is over. most likely, it’s going to be over, and you want to make yourself as strong as possible.
that’s what my ex said – he wanted a break. he said he would call in a week. it’s been two – he hasn’t called, didn’t accept my calls or return my message. i think he is getting advice from his friends/family to just move on, and he didn’t feel like bothering to tell me. it makes me feel stupid, for sure… for hoping for the best. i thought maybe he was telling the truth when he said he would call. when he said he would pay the rent for december and january. when he said i could call him at anytime, just to talk. lies.
maybe one day your ex will want to come back, but that will most likely be a long time from now, if ever. this website has been helpful for me, because i am realising that waiting around for him is a waste of time. that’s my two cents.
My girlfriend and I are probably going to break up soon, I know it. I guess we lost our “spark” that we’ve had for so long. I’ve already have been crying a lot.
So then I found this blog post. Thought I’d get ready for the worst, you know? If I already know what’s going to happen. Not like I wanted it to, but any advice I have gotten or she has gotten from our parents or trusted ones, well most of them say we should break up. We refuse to listen but we both know it’s going to happen. Thank you. I’ll be sure to remember what you’ve said.
Thanks for this lovely post which helped me a lot. I have also been reading the comments from readers such as myself and I felt an inner comfort that I wasn’t alone. I wouldn’t wish that anyone would have to go through this, but getting past a breakup was by far the hardest I had to go through.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years last November. It has since been 2 months and I am still crying every morning and every night before i went to bed. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but i have a great family, good friends and a good job.. but yet i feel so down to the extent that I have become a burden to everyone around me. I have been told countless times to just ’shut up and get over it’ but it is just, so hard.
I met my boyfriend whilst studying at an European university, after which I had to return home upon graduation. So we did long distance for two years, I managed fly in to see him a few times because I had a job which took me abroad frequently. Otherwise we were 14 hours apart so all we had was skype and emails. But I knew him so well, his friends and his family. We spoke things on the long term.
I loved him dearly, so much more than I loved myself. He is my first boyfriend (I am 25 and he is 27) and every minute i spent with him were my happiest moments. Prior to meeting him I have also lived in many countries around the world, met so many amazing people but no one whom I could fall in love with. He was my first love and he was very good to me.
So I left home last year to move to a job in Germany so that we could be in closer proximity because he lives in Italy. I did everything I could to make our relationship work. I visited him in early November last year because I missed him and when I was with him I felt as though I was happiest in the world. He told me he loved me and that he had never stayed with a girl for so long as he did with me.
However 2 weeks after my visit, he texted me to say that he wanted it to be over. He had found out that his ex had his baby in the united states and that he was going to see her. Although we both had always discussed about this ex who was pregnant 5 years ago and the baby could be potentially his; I was still so heartbroken. He did not even want to speak to me and when I begged him to take me back but he refused. He turned so cold.
I suffered from shock for 2 weeks. He did not write to me when I wrote to him. He disappeared. 3 days after the breakup I called to speak to him, and my gut feel told me to force him to admit that there was another reason behind the sudden breakup.
He eventually did. He met a girl 4 months ago during our relationship. And she is beautiful because I saw her picture. I am of no match.
And last week, I spoke to his ex who apparently had his baby, but she told me that it was not true and he had no plans to see her.
The fact that he wanted to get rid of me hurts so badly. I know I shouldn’t get in touch with him, but part of me yearns for a closure. I knew him as so gentle, thoughtful and kind hearted but now he has abruptly shut the door so sharply on me. And because I moved to germany on my own, i didn’t have my family with me and I had to grieve alone.
He deleted our pictures on facebook, added all his ex girlfriends as contacts except me. I wrote him an email to wish him a happy new year and he didn’t reply.. so that was a mistake.
I stopped taking my dinners and drank myself to sleep. I went home for christmas and yet I couldn’t smile. I somehow feel that I have lost something so fundamental to my happiness that a part of me feels dead.
I had always been happy go lucky but now everything seems so bleak. I cry when i look into the mirror and my mind keeps replaying excerpts of our relationship and examining how it all went wrong or if I may have missed out on indications that he didn’t love me when we were together. Somehow subconciously i blame myself for now being good enough for him. In the long run, i feel i am not worthy of anyone’s love.
I just hope that time will heal. I still read this post everyday to give me the will to move on. To anyone who feels this way, you are not alone and I pray that you will wake up happy soon.
lyn,
Yes, you are not alone my dear. All of us sturggling to take away this pain. I am sorry that you are going through so much pain. If you can not eat properly then take multivitamins that helps. You probably heard this million times but please take care of yourself. You are still young and you will find the true love some day. Do not lose hope and beleive in god.
This posting is really helping me. I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half on Saturday. It is absolutely devastating. I am the one that broke up with him and made him move out – however it doesnt make it any easier. I found out that he had been on certain online (explicit) websites, had single profiles and had been communicating with women for the last month (at least what I found – it may have been longer). This was such a shock to me because there were NO signs. I knew that I was better than that and that I couldn’t be with someone who would treat me that way so I told him we were over and he had to move out. He is so sorry and devastated and it is finally sinking in how horrible his actions were. It is so hard for me to be going through this right now. We really believed we were going to get married someday – so to go from that extreme to this one – is so terribly difficult. We have still been in communication – we will text often… at times i will bring up with anger of what he did and other times i will tell him how much i still love him. I need to be able to cut off contact with him but I just don’t know how to do this. He is on his way over now with his brother in law to remove all of the remaining things he has here. Maybe that will help me when it is all out, but I do not know. I am just so confused and upset that this is happening.
ashley:
I’m sorry you’re hurting. My only recommendation right this moment is to have you leave while they move things out as it will not do you ANY GOOD to be there. Nope, none at all.
Instead, go visit a friend, see a movie, walk the mall – anything as long as you are not there. Just leave a note or have a mutual acquaintance let him know you want all of his things gone today – this way he can’t drag it out over weeks.
And then once his stuff is gone and you’ve tied up any loose ends – like money matters – just go NC by not contacting him AND not responding to any way he tries to contact you.
And for the record, though I don’t like the explicit website stuff at all, what is even more disrespectful to me when I read your post is that he CHOSE to communicate with other women by posting his SINGLE profile!
Susan always reminds us that it is a person’s ACTIONS, not their words that are what counts. And by his ACTIONS he has NO RESPECT for ANYONE BUT himself and you my dear ashley DESERVE someone who not only respects themselves enough to not ACT in ways that are hurtful, but someone who RESPECTS YOU TOO!
You ARE worth so much more than this bananahead. I know it hurts and wish I could take that pain away from you. But just know if you do your work – get support, journal, affirm yourself, complete the relationship and life inventories, let you and your feelings be ok no matter what they are while ACTING in a way that is good for YOU, and celebrate all your healing steps, I promise you a life more amazing than what you ever could have had with this bananahead will materialize.
Lots of hugs,
SmilingAngel
My ex and I broke up on Christmas Day. It’s been 2 weeks today. I am pregnant with our child but that hasn’t deterred him. We had a ruff patch when my parents came in for a visit and he overheard me telling them that I was unhappy. I apologized and stated that I wanted to try to work things out but he’s written me off as dead. We own a home together and he hasn’t moved out. So I’m living this half life and worried about being all alone with our child to raise. I wasn’t perfect in the relationship but I wasn’t all wrong. I can’t focus and my job is suffering. He had me move to his hometown in another state so I don’t have any friends or relatives around me. I am utterly alone. What is worse – he will not allow me to put our house up for sale and since we own it together, I need him to sign the deed to do so. I am so sad…
Ashley, I hope you are doing a bit better today. I thought I would write to let you know that my boyfriend of 20 months did the same thing. I found out about his online explorations – porn, singles sites, etc. – about six months ago. He was on vacation and I was leaving him a note to welcome him home when I found the websites and passwords. He had been interacting online long before we met (also online) and had sent his last message right before he left for vacation. I printed out everything I could find, placed all of them on the coffee table, packed my things, returned his things and left.
Needless to say, when he found all of this he was devastated. He called, begged, all of the above to get me to stay. And inevitably, I did. I spent six months in a complete internal turmoil. I was contantly checking everything – phone bills, email accounts, etc. – everything I could get my hands on. It made me crazy, physically sick, and I won’t mention what it did to my self esteem. There was no trust – in him, or in myself – and although he started therapy and promised to change, he didn’t.
Six months later (six weeks ago) after finding out his behavior hadn’t changed I finally broke it off. I had my fill, reached my limit, called him on the phone and in one minute and 37 seconds told him I was done. I’ve had some rough days, bad moments, a few pity parties here and there – but nothing has been as hard as it was to be in that relationship for the last six months.
Ashley, you will never be able to trust him again. Never. And he betrayed your trust knowing the consequences of his actions if you found out. You are doing the right thing by kicking this guy to the curb – I promise you. Please DO NOT spend the next six months digging through every piece of information you can find to prove to yourself that he’s being faithful – he wasn’t before and he won’t be now. Walk away with your dignity intact. You can fall apart behind the scenes, but he needs to know that this is unacceptable and over.
As everyone on this site has said – actions speak louder than words. This is 100% cheating on his part – and it’s an unacceptable action. Please don’t give him the chance to do this to you again.
Rhonda,
You were so strong and you did exactly the right thing the first time. I think all of us really want to believe that the person will change because we know we’re worth it but the reality is, when something happens the FIRST time, it’s pretty much time to say buh bye.
It was so cool what you did with all the information you found and then left. Imagine what the message would have been had you never gone back. That’s the part I could kick myself in the butt for, going back after the begging and pleading. But I knew it was a dead end and I still drove down that road thinking it was an on ramp to love, what a crazy road it turned out to be. I agree 100% with you, don’t ever go back once trust is broken no matter HOW much they plead, cry, whine, beg, try to buy you back, woo you, etc ad nauseum.
Oh my goodness. My heart goes out to you. For the sake of you and your baby though, please try to keep eating healthy and getting plenty of sleep.
Since you are in his home town, can’t he move out and stay with friends or family? That is terrible that he is putting you through this. For the sake of the baby, have you considered getting counseling – either with him or without him?
Just be strong. I am sorry that you are so sad. No breakup is easy – they are all hard in different ways. The pain in my heart is just unbearable but it will make us stronger. Its impossible for you to have NC while you are living with him, so unless you do want to try to work it out, it may be better for you or him to move out.
I am so sorry. Hang in there!
Rhonda,
It was like you were explaining everything that I have been doing for the last month. I checked everything, phone, emails, bank accounts. I was logging into his email almost every hour. I was physcially sick and going nuts. This was not me? Who was this person? Of course I wanted to believe that he had changed and that the first one was the only one. It wasnt I found the emails, the messages, the craigslist postings – even some sent on XMAS EVE. He even had the nerve to post pictures that I had took of him, including one from his 30th birthday a couple weeks ago where I threw him a party and spend almost $1,200. I found it and i need to remind myself often that I found it. He lied and I am sure he will keep doing it. He did promise to get help but I don’t think I can ever trust him again.
I kicked him out officially this weekend and we broke up. I am still having a problem because we are still in contact. I go between anger and love. Anger about how he shattered an otherwise wonderful relationship. Love because I do still love the decent part of him. I hate the devious, disturbed side of him and I need to not give into the love anymore.
I am proud of you for what you did and I know further down the road I will be proud of what I did as well. I just need to figure out how to not contact him. It is terrifying to think that I can’t talk to my best friend. Ugh.
ASHLEY It’s ok to play the contact game, BUT you have read the other posts on here and so have I, and so far for me not one keeping contact, or that one last time to talk, has been kind to anyone. On the contrary it has caused EVERYONE pain, hurt, embarrassment, restarts the DANCE WITH THE BANANAHEAD!!!!!! I did the back n forth for toooo long and it costs me prescious time, energy, and my heart and soul. Best friends WOULDN’T TREAT YOU THAT WAY. The best friend you could have now is YOURSELF. Wishing you the strength to go NC.
Ashley, I think these guys must be brothers! As soon as we broke up I found my guy back on match.com. He posted a new profile – with pictures that either a) I had taken of him or b) he had cut my face out of. I can tell you that, although hurtful in the beginning, when you realize what’s going on his actions will only solidify your decision to cut him loose.
Now, we need to get you out of contact with him. Lucky for me, my guy’s ego is so huge that he most likely will never contact me again. I dumped him – therefore, he thinks I need to do the begging. FAT CHANCE!! What is it going to take for you to stop contact with this guy? I understand that he has been your best friend for so long, but would your friends do this to you? I know mine wouldn’t, and they won’t ever forgive him for the things he did. I can bet that he would never treat his friends the way he’s treated you, right? So stop that ‘friend’ thinking – this guy is the enemy!! He’s hurt you – no ‘friend’ would ever do that to you.
You need to turn to your true friends to help you through this. Do everything you can not to contact him – the sooner you do, the more quickly you’ll get past it. I know, it sucks. It’s terrible to go from talking several times a day to never talking again. But this was HIS decision, not yours. Think about how many more conversations the two of you could’ve had if he hadn’t been wrapped up with other ‘friends’ on the internet!?! This guy is not for you, Ashley. He’s not the person you want to build a life with and have a family with. Period. You have given a year and a half of yourself on this guy – he doesn’t deserve one second more!!
And, I understand that he’s saying he will get help. My guy did, too. And he actually started seeing a therapist right after all of this happened – hopefully he still is. But after about four months I went with him to one of his appointments and the therapist knew nothing about what he was doing online. He wasn’t 100% honest even with his therapist! My theory is, “Garbage in, garbage out.” If he wasn’t being honest then he obviously wasn’t getting the help he needed. Which is true – the behavior didn’t stop.
AND, I thought later that, if this guy really wanted to keep me he would’ve made an effort to get help with this problem before I ever found out about it. He knew it was wrong, knew it would ruin our relationship, but he never stopped. Made no sense.
AND, AND :) This guy has shown you who he is now. Pay attention. This is a blessing. Thank God you didn’t find this out 20 years and four kids from now!
Be done, Ashley! I’m sorry for my soapbox speech, but I can’t stand the thought of someone else going through what I have. You can do it! And you will be SO much happier!!
Well, today is a week since I found out what he has been doing… Worst day of my life! Since then he has been moving out and always with somebody (so I have not had a chance to actually see him alone). I was going to have him come by last night just to get some closure, but after talking to many friends (thankfully I have an amazing friend group who are 100% behind me on this one) and they made me think differently. What would this do for me? I would probably get all emotional again, keep crying, and maybe reconsider. I know I CANNOT do that. I texted him last night saying it wasn’t a good idea for him to come by. He responded saying he was trying not to cry at dinner. He said ‘why the change of heart’? and I said I couldn’t prolong the pain anymore. I sent that text message last night at 8pm and I have NOT sent anything else since. Whew. I know it has only been 14 hours (we would always either be together at night or he (in the military) would be on base and would always call each other to say goodnight. That was extremely difficult last night to not do, but I am really trying.
Thankfully he is on base all weekend (from this morning until monday morning) so I plan to go out this weekend and have a good time and not worry about running into him.
I know that no-one should ever have to feel the pain that I felt when I found those messages. Rhonda, I know you know exactly what I am feeling. I do not deserve that. You are right, my best friend would never do that to me. It is just still such a shock that this happened, but thankfully I found out now. Part of me will always love him but I am not in love with him anymore. Being in love means that there is unconditional reciprocation and that obviously wasn’t the case here.
This is such a great posting. It has been great to hear the feedback and to really has given me strength. He will soon realize (well it seems that he already has) that he lost someone who truly loved him obviously more than he loved himself.
Ashley, I can tell that although you’re hurting you are very strong in your belief that this is over. You should be proud of yourself for that. My one regret is listening to my heart – not my head – and giving him the opportunity to hurt me over and over again. I wish I had stayed strong, walked out the door and never looked back. It would’ve been so hard – much harder than it is now – but I would be so much prouder of myself had I just ended it the first time.
I know it’s hard, but it’s time to stop contact with him and make it clear that you are moving on. The back and forth is only going to prolong the inevitable. I know the possibility of being friends at some point is in the back of your mind – it’s still in the back of mine in some crazy way. But, like I said, he didn’t treat you as a friend and your friends would never hurt you the way he has. He has taken up enough of your time and shouldn’t get one more second of you.
I hope you have a great weekend and are able to enjoy yourself a little. Just keep reminding yourself that you’re doing the right thing. I’ll check in periodically so write when you can. We’re all here to make sure you get through this in one piece!
I have been NC for almost 48 hours. It is hard though!
I am having a problem though. After I found the emails/messages I printed some of them out (not all of them, just some – it was too painful). Now my problem is racking my brain trying to recall anything else that may have happened or have been a red flag now that I know about his behavior. It is driving me crazy wondering now if he actually did physically cheat on me. I know there is nothing I can do about it now – but part of me does want to know. How can I get over thinking about these things? I am already so hurt, and I know that if I did find out it would hurt that much more. Just having a tough time not thinking about it. I asked him before – he said no way – but the first night I found his messages he stayed in a hotel and I did see some calls with one of his internet contacts. Ugh how can I stop feeling this way and thinking about it? I am so angry and hurt and now I am starting to piece things together which really scares me because I do but also do NOT want to know. Advice?
Ashley
So lets say you find out that find out everything…lets just play it out with both scenarios.
Scenario #1 – You find out there was more cheating, lots of it – do you feel better now knowing?
Scenario #2 – You find out that there wasnt anymore cheating – do you feel better now knowing?
The answer is the same for both scenarios – you dont feel better! The answer to both is “It Does Not Matter”. You will hear that all over this site….because it’s true.
But something matters right? What matters is why you want to know. What is fueling this deep obsession with wanting to know? What will knowing one way or the other confirm about you? If he didnt cheat more will it confirm you are loveable? Which you are – you really are just because you are you.
If he did cheat more will that mean he was a jerk and not deserving of you and that will make it easier to get past him.
Or is it something else?
When you get to the bottom of why you really want to know the answers is when you will know why it’s killing you. You will find that it’s all about you and what you are made of than more than anything else. That’s when you can start letting go. When you can find out what drives you and fuels you then things will start falling in place.
This is the time for journaling because thoughts and feelings and ideas are going to come at you fast and furious and you need to get them out of your head and uncluttered. But before you do any of that, or maybe while you are doing that, you need to get on with the grieving ..you need to really give into that. Crying feels bad but it’s the healthiest thing you can do right now.
Thanks Julie. You make some really good points.
I think it is a number of things.
I am one of those people who likes to know everything once some sort of trust has been broken. Whether it makes me feel better or not. It is very hard for me to let go once I know something. That is why I found out more after he promised me the first profile I found was it. I couldnt believe it.
From what I know, I have never been physically cheated on in the past – so this would be a first.
Secondly, it would make it easier for me to have a complete break from him if he was willing to take it that far. I like to think that there was something good in him or I wouldn’t have dated him for a year and a half. Obviously what he was doing behind my back was unacceptable and unforgiveable and if he actually physically cheated it would be even that much more so.
I have been writing a number of things down – I just started putting together some pieces and I just started wondering ‘what if’s. Maybe partially to figure it our or maybe so I can recognize god forbid if there are ever any signs again.
I trusted this man so much – I think that is why I am just still in so much shock that this is happening. I like to consider myself a good judge of character and absolutely no-one (including myself) ever in a million years saw this coming from who we thought he was. It scares me that I could be so far off.
Ashley
I can certainly understand that need. It’s terrible to think that all this could be happening under our nose. But I just urge you to be careful. If you do find there are other instances, remember anything you find out that he did is not a reflection on you..it’s about him and what a jerk he was. It has nothing to say about how good you judge character – it has something to say about him though and how much integrity and self respect he has – zero.
Also, I dont really think anything is going to make the breakup any easier on you. Even if he was a horrible monster there were still some good things about him and that part you are just going to have to get over and it will be painful no matter what.
I just wish you wouldnt feel the need to torture yourself with all this stuff that wont change anything other than potentially causing more pain and more insecurity.
But I know we all have our own ways of handling and dealing so be careful ok? Dont obsess to much on it, take some time to take care of yourself…try to eat healthy, get sleep and spend time with people who care about you.
Hi Ashley-
Again, I did the same thing. I KNOW there are things that I don’t know about. But what I do know is enough.
I finally had to look at it this way – the fact that I even think there’s a possibility that he may have physically cheated on me is enough to be done with him. If someone gives you that vibe or makes you think that about them in the first place, they’re probably bad news and not the right person. A trustworthy person would never give you the idea that they would cheat in the first place.
I know my ex knows that I never would’ve cheated on him – in any way, shape or form. I’m sure he can convince himself that I did many things, but cheating isn’t one of them.
Hang in there. I know your brain is running a million miles an hour. Just sit with it and let it run. And try to stay NC. The ‘maybes’ are unimportant. The facts are enough for you to have a reason to move on.
Yeah you make a really good point. I know and he knows that I would never dream of cheating on him. A month ago that thought would’ve never crossed my mind with him either. The fact that I am thinking it now means that I would always think it – and that is one of the worst feelings ever that I don’t want to have.
Thanks for all the responses. It really nice to have this soundingboard with people who understand and who have been there. My friends are great but for the most part everyone is so shocked too that this is happening that they really don’t know what to say and/or havent been there before. They are very good about reminding me though of NC.
I need to remember too:
1. I broke up with him
2. I kicked him out
3. I have the choice to contact him or not
He really doesn’t hold any of the power in this situation does he? :)
That is correct! He relinquished his throne when he hurt you. Remember, too, that he made the choice to behave the way he did. You had no other choice but to break up and kick him out. He didn’t leave you any other options.
You definitely hold the power in this situation. Hold on to it tightly!!
I try to stay away from anyone who talks about my ex, one friend I had coffee with last week did inform me that the ex is depressed and looking BAD. He never fell apart like this before, I realize he is the VICTIM\DOORMAT of his world. I no he will still pick women up for momentary sexual gratification but he hasn’t moved a new one in yet like he has done both times he left me last year. Has he finally able to feel some accountability for his actions? Doesn’t matter, true, but I feel good it isn’t so easy for him to move on. I also no he really doesn’t give a sh** about me anymore, but he is grieving and hopefully learns something, yeah! I no not likely. I am still NC and not going there ever again with him, I won’t let him interfere with my progress, spew hurtful crap from his mouth.The obsessing of him is improving, like a post I read yesterday, now when I can’t get him out of my head, I imagine a big wooden door in my head and slam it shut, stop the thought, it works not bad.
Hi all,
it’s been nearly a month since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. We were together only less than 3 months before he dropped the bombshell on me out of a sudden. We are both 18 and this was my first relationship ever. After a week of not seeing him over the school holidays, we finally went out for a date. He was acting all distant the whole day.
Then in the evening when he texted me as usual,I stupidly told him I was tired emotionally.But what i meant was that I was tired with him acting all distant that day. Then instead of trying to comfort me like he would usually,he said he was tired too. He didn’t even say the words ‘break up’ but it seemed to be pointing to that direction. I told him I absolutely didn’t want it at all. But he seemed to have made his decision. I was panicky and stupid back then because I acted all desperate in my messages. And yes,you could say he broke up with me by text. I tried calling him but he only told me to calm down and not waste my money on calling him. In the text I tried so hard to make him change his mind but it was so helpless.
I just could not comprehend what just happened. All the promises he made,all the things he said,all empty now.I know i’m grieving really deeply because things were going quite well and this being my first time. I know about the No-contact rule, but what if i had to see him everyday? We’re classmates! it’s been nearly a month now and now i’m on week 2 back at school already. I’m really going through a miserable cycle of emotions now even though it’s been nearly a month already since it has happened.
Now that we’re back in school it hurts even more. We’re classmates and although we don’t have all our classes together, I am still bound to see him in class. And the worse thing is having to sit through it while trying to concentrate on my studies as well. But he and his friends sit quite in front of me and so i do have a full view of him. I know i should’nt be looking at him anymore, but even if i don’t,my heart registers still registers that the person i once held so close to my heart is in the same room.
And i really can’t stand the sight of him talking to other girls just yet. I know it’s really immature of me to feel this way. But i’m really trying my best not to be bothered about it. And he doesn’t seem too. He doesn’t talk to me either and acts like he has nothing to do with me,just living his life without me.And this hurts so much. Because it is in the same place where we started our friendship and then our relationship.And yet i’m forced to go back to it everyday to face the fact that it’s gone forever. I know i’m torturing myself but i can’t stop thinking about him. And yet i have to act like i don’t care as well but it’s really killing me from the inside.
I’m really trying to get myself back on track, but i know seeing him everyday is stopping me from it. I feel so helpless. I still cry about it almost every evening i come back from school. And the urge to contact him comes back every now and then,but I know I really shouldn’t because i can almost be sure i will be more hurt by the outcome. And part of me is so frustrated because we’ve only really just started and when he feels there’s a problem and then he just gives up on us like that! 3 months is short period of time when compared to the most of your stories here, but it doesn’t make it any less painful.Before we were an item we were already texting each other really constantly so you could say that the feelings started months way before it actually happened. It’s like not getting to watch your child grow up,i guess. And it hurts just so badly.
But please, can someone tell me what i should do about my situation? I can’t really be crying and telling my friends about it anymore because i don’t want them to get sick of me. Please help. Thanks.
It doesn’t happen to often, and most of the time I don’t mind being alone, but sometimes it hits. For instance I had the flu last week and even though my ex never took care of me, it was terrible being sick alone. Then last night I had a terrible nightmare and woke in a sweat, and terrified. I was alone and at that moment really felt alone. Sometimes alone is a terrible feeling. I know tomorrow is a new day, but at 2a.m. it’s a terrible place to be, alone. I have been by myself for 8 months now and never ever consider seeing him again, but I often think will I be by myself forever. I do not want to find anyone else and don’t think I could trust to get close or to give my heart to anyone else. How do you live with being alone, and happy?
Hello! This is first timer. Thanks a lot for the advice. It’s been three months now since my ex and I broke up. My friends said that I’m looking good. I feel still hurt sometimes. There are times when I feel like nothing happened and there are times that I feel really lonely and hurt. The feeling is inconsistent. But so far I am better than three months ago. I can sleep and eat well most of the time. I’ve involved myself in physical activities such as badminton and I’ve kept a journal. I also blog. I started new hobbies too. During the holidays the people I know said that I was blooming. Maybe because I’ve started caring more for myself. Thank you so much. I hope you can help more people. The articles in this site has helped me a lot. And it’s true, it gets better in time.
GOD BLESS!
It is tough. It has been about a week and a half since we broke up. It feels like months. I am starting to feel better about going home to my empty condo now and reality is setting in that it actually happened. My feelings now are still more of anger and really hurt about what he actually was doing while we were together. I don’t look at him in the light I used to anymore – the good times are overshadowed by what he was doing (and only what I found – who knows how much more he was doing). Part of me wants to keep looking, but the more rational part of me knows that it will just hurt more and I don’t need to know that. I had him change all his passwords so I am not tempted to look.
It is so hard though – certain tv shows, or songs, or just things around the condo remind me of him and I start to reminisce. Then I put myself back to where I am now and remind myself of what he did and it helps to stop those feelings. Everyone keeps telling me I did the right thing and that they are proud of me for doing what I did. It was an extremely difficult decision to kick him out and break up with him after all the good times we had for a year and a half. His emotional infedelity overshadowed all of that though and it had to happen.
I am working hard on the NC – the first week it was so hard, but it is really getting much better now. I have been NC since Monday night and I notice that I am not looking at my phone as much or have as much urge to text or call him – so that is a good thing.
It is so cliche but it does take time. Surround yourself with good people, keep yourself busy, take some time our for yourself. It does help.
Ashley, I was just thinking of posting to check in with you. Glad to hear you’re doing ok. All of the adjustments will work themselves out in time. Everything there’s a ‘first’ – coming home to an empty place, the songs, etc. – it’s also the last time it will be a ‘first’ so that’s a good thing. As for your house – change it! Paint, rearrange the furniture, change the pictures. Do somethings to make that space yours and yours alone.
You are definitely making the right decision and it sounds like you have good, strong people around you to support you. Just imagine if this had happened to one of your girlfriends – what would you want them to do? You would want them to do exactly what you’re doing. You should be proud of yourself. I am!
I’ve only just stumbled upon this site, but I’d like to say thank you. Both to you Susan and to everyone who has posted.
My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me three months ago and I have experienced every emotion that you mentioned above. He said at the time that he ‘loved me, but was not in love with me’. The stages of grieving that have been mentioned definitely all applied here! At first, I was totally convined that he would realise he had made a mistake and that he would come back. This then turned into anger (“why have you done this to us?”) and then to a sad sort of acceptance. Or so I thought.
Today, I received a letter from him which has sent me back through all those stages again. I wrote to him last month – yes, I know, the no-contact rule and all that. But I felt that after 2 months of rational thinking, there were some things that I needed to say. I felt as if I had no closure on the whole affair and rationed that I had nothing to lose by writing to him. I look the time to write a careful letter (which my sister checked over for me to make sure there was nothing inflammatory or liable to be taken the wrong way) and then I sent it. Just doing so was rather cathartic in itself.
But the letter today has felt like he broke up with me all over again. I guess I must have been in denial after all! He said that, although he still felt the intense bond with me that we had always had – from the moment we met, his feelings had changed. He wants me in his life because he wants to ‘hold on’ to someone with whom he connects so strongly, but that he can offer no more than friendship.
I am just so sad. I genuinely thought that he was the one and he told me that I was his soulmate, his ‘one’. I still don’t understand how someone’s feelings can change – I am the first person that has ever really believed in him and loved him, he was by his own admission, a bit of a sad case when I met him. I wondered today that maybe he wasn’t really in love with me after all and it was infatuation. I’d hate for this to have been the case.
I’m trying so hard to work through this pain but I just ache at the idea that I can never be anything more than his friend. I know that we will be eventually, but it will take time.
Have just re-read that post and there’s a sentence that needs clarification…when I said
“He said that, although he still felt the intense bond with me that we had always had – from the moment we met, his feelings had changed.”
I meant…
He said that although he still felt the intense bond with me that we had always had (right from the moment we met) that his feelings had changed.
Aah, punctuation… the writer’s best friend and worst enemy! :-)
I’m glad I came across this website. I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 years 2 years ago. We had been having trouble for a long time because he was unhappy with his life and his job and had pulled away from me emotionally and physically. I tried everything I could to help him and the relationship but he couldn’t or wouldn’t try. He wouldn’t even see a therapist, with me, or alone, though I begged him to so many times. Still, habits are hard to break and we moved together to attend graduate school. I broke up with him half a year later because nothing had changed and I was sick of feeling unattractive and unloved.
The problem is, we continued to live together and remained very close friends. I had a couple of relationships over the course of the next two years and I think he hooked up with some people but we didn’t talk about it much. He finished his degree and moved to another city to start a job last summer. We continued to talk all the time and saw each other occasionally. I figured we really had managed to make it as friends.
Then, of course, I found out that he was dating someone new, someone who he was starting to feel serious about, someone who is a younger, fresher, less complicated version of me. I was devastated. It’s so messed up…suddenly I desperately want him back, even though it doesn’t seem like he’s really changed in any fundamental way. He’s happier, he’s definitely put his life back together, but I suspect he’s still a coward. He never stood up for our relationship, and he never even stood up for me, during or after the relationship. So why do I suddenly miss him so terribly?
After reading the above post, I realize that I never grieved, that I shut down any thoughts or feelings about the relationship, while also maintaining an unvoiced belief that we would eventually get back together, once he’d grown up and dealt with his problems. Now I’m so angry and hurt; it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. He was my first relationship, certainly my first love, and I haven’t had many since. The ones I have had haven’t worked out because I’ve been unable to let myself open up emotionally. I don’t really know how to deal with any of this but reading this post and all of your responses helps. I do think it’s important that I completely cut off contact with him, something I should have done a long time ago. He seems to have been able to really move on. I obviously haven’t. And that hurts a lot too. I just hope it gets easier.
Dear Cassie, i know how you feel.. in many ways what you are going through relates to me and I do yearn for my ex after he has moved on with someone new. He has finally met a girl he feels serious about and he becoming a better person. What makes me sad is that he never stood up for our relationship – he was also a sad case when i met him and I always helped to sort him out. Last week I heard that my ex’s new girlfriend has moved into his place and that he has thrown everything that belonged to me away. It hurts, but I have to let go. Even though I wrote to him, I never heard from him since we broke up.
It will take time to heal, Cassie. First love often hurts the most and I know how tough it is to accept the situation and to will yourself to move on just as how he did. Perhaps you need a closure from him? it’s often best not to stay in contact, but at times you will feel this great urge to contact him and to tell him how you feel. You are subconsciously wanting him to come back into your life.
I believe you should surround yourself with good people and to voice out this grief over and over again. I did that with my good friend , just repeating myself and my sorrows over and over again until i was tired. Although I may never recover fully, it did help me to acknowledge the pain and to find some strength in moving on.
You are never alone,and talking about this will make you feel better and I hope you will never have to go through such a heartbreak again. There will be a day when you will meet someone who will do justice to your love. For everything you have done for your ex, you surely deserve happiness because of your ability to love.
after 7 months NC, i still sit and think about the ex. i thought i would be soo over him at this point. im still not used to us being over. im so used to him being in my life and him not in my life is still very odd. i have a hard time adjusting to change. change for me has never been my friend. looking back, the past 7 months have been a blur. i dont even know how i made up out of the first two months of the breakup. the things i went though in that relationship ive never had before, so i guess i dont know how to deal with them. i never had a guy in my life ever live a double life. i mean how do you deal? when the guy you love gets a car in another chicks name. times like tonight i sit back and just think about things, i know i shouldt but i cant help it. i forgot what its like to be in a normal relationship. even now it seems odd to date someone else, and have someone else in my life. i really hope times heals pain. i loved someone who didt love me back. i loved a user, a pathological liar. a sociopath who uses people. the other girl she ist lucky, she is doing what i did, thinking he would change but they never change. i just never had a hard time getting over a break up. im a better person. im drama free, i know im a much better person without him and i know i was never going to get what i needed and all the lies and pain would of just continued if i didt leave but it doest make it any easier.
Miss J,
I can relate what you are going through, it’s been 8 months for me. I hear in the beginning of your post how you think about your ex. Then you end with anger for what he did to you. I understand fully. Today I am functioning, but tomorrow the pain may rear its ugly head again. I think that the problem, at least for me, the mind can see one thing, but what do you do with your broken heart? That is where I am. I am realizing that I am wishing for what could have been, not what actually was. Sit back and wait, and know that if he cheated on you he will cheat on his new chick. Do you want to be there? Good luck and like Susan says do your inventory and journaling. It really does help. I don’t think that you realize that your have come as far as you have, but as other wiser people have told me, be good to your self and have patience. You may not be free of the pain and hurt yet but one thing is for sure, you are free of the lies and manipulation. It’s his loss that he didn’t realize what he had. Good luck to you.
thank you dottie for your support. i completely relate to you on the part of where my mind knows the truth, but all that is left is my broken heart. even today my mind knows that he is bad for me and knows the truth about who is he, but my heart doest. im not sure if it ever will. maybe i do sit around and think about what could of been. anyways take care of youself.
Dottie and Miss J, it DOES get better! I saw a therapist a couple of times a while back, and asked her how come I still felt a sadness about my big breakup. She said ‘you might always feel some sadness about it’ – she didn’t try to say that everything would be magically reversed and I would feel fine about it. Somehow, that was a relief, less pressure to feel fine about it and deny the sadness.
But after doing LOTS more work since then, i disagree. I DO think that it practically disappears with time (and this was the love of my life in my eyes). I remember the person and the pain and the trauma I felt, but the pain I felt over losing HIM I now just feel for my poor self during those years of that relationship! God it was miserable! God I was lost!
Do enough work and you will eventually like yourself enough to turn your focus to you in the relationship! Also when you keep putting more life between you and the breakup, eventually the memories do fade, as hard to imagine as that is for you right now. I saw my exes name on a poster a couple of months back, had no idea he was back in the country. I now know I am finally over it because I felt NOTHING. Not anger, not hurt, not sadness, not revenge plans … just … nothing. And the deep satisfaction at realising that, knowing that it’s not a big part of my consciousness anymore … I just can’t describe …
Lola
Lola,
Thank you, I do feel that I have lost the love of my life in my eyes too. I do see that I was living in la la land. I want hurt feelings to be over now, and I realize that it will take time. My problem is my children are grown and have families of their own and my daughter that I was so close to will not come see me, will rarely let me see my three grandchildren and is very angry that I left. It feels like my family is falling apart because I left a person who treated me badly. Even though he never physically abused me, the verbal abuse and neglect has still left scars. I hope someday I can feel nothing, and that I will have an intact family again, without my ex. I too was lost for a long time, and when I didn’t know who I was anymore, it was time to leave. I told my daughter that I wouldn’t live in hell just to make her or anyone else happy and I have to focus on that. Oh why does life have to be so complicated?
Thanks for the support.
You made the right move Dottie, know that. They can realise this in their own time. Meanwhile you are calm, focused, working on building a new life. If your daughter won’t accept you for that, that’s her problem. I am sure she will eventually realise that you don’t have to live in hell forever, if you are not happy you have the option to leave. If you aren’t rejecting her or insulting or hurting her, you are open to contact, you have no reason to feel bad. If you haven’t read it yet, PLEASE get a copy of Codependent No More. Amazing reading. Who knew I was a textbook case? And yet it’s a good thing – she offers so many ideas for recovering and building your own life and relying on yourself not anyone else. I love this book – please read it!
Lola
Lola,
I did read Codependent No More and guess what, there I was. A friend just told me that my very hurt feelings about my daughter’s rejection were still signs of my codepencence acting up. She so boldly told me that her feelings toward me should not influence my decisions or my life. She said it was understandable to feel bad, but said it’s her problem and fix my own life. I am learning but change does take work and time. Getting back to Codependent No More, I would be reading it and say to myself, “How does she know me?” I do love that book and I have to read it again. Another book that I read was The Shack and it was hard to get through the first few chapters but on page 97, I saw myself and I printed out parts of it. I want to give credit where credit is due, this comes from The Shack by William Young. It goes like this;
Most birds were created to fly.
Being grounded for them is a limitation
within their ability to fly.
Not the other way around.
You on the other hand, were created
to be loved.
So for you to life as if you were unloved
is a limitation.
Living unloved is like clipping a bird’s wings
and removing its ability to fly.
Not something I want for you.
Pain has a way of clipping our wings,
and keeping us from being able to fly.
And if left unresolved for very long,
you can almost forget that you were ever
created to fly in the first place.
Have a great weekend,
Dottie
Watch for Groundhog Day, we take it seriously here as winters are long and cold, especially this one. Our town really goes all out, it will be fun to keep busy. I hope old Phil does not see his shadow.
I can’t express how much this article and the postings have helped me. My story is a bit complicated, but which ones aren’t?
I am a widow who was dating a widower and father of 2 bio kids and 2 step kids for about a year. He lived about 900 miles away, so this was definitely a long distance relationship. We both had reservations about starting the relationship, but we felt that if god had led us to find eachother, somehow we could find a solution to the distance. Along with that this man had a sister that lives about an hour from me, and although he has a great job, he has no family in the state which he resides. So within a few months we discussed the high possibility of his move to be near me.
For a about a year he mostly travelled to me once a month. On two occasions we met to have the kids get to know each other. I was not fooled buy the difficulty of merging two families, but again he reassured me love conquers all. So we continued until I broke up with him in Oct. I needed some space to think,he agreed to give me some time. i really only needed a few hours or a day, but he started to pressure me, he was being needy, and accusing me of not respecting him by not calling him. It went on all night and by the next day I just told him I couldn’t be with him anymore. After 5 days apart I made contact, asked if he wanted to resume th relationship. He seemed happy and we began to talk and chat. I sent him a substantial bday gift 2 weeks after that, and by the 3 week i could feel him distancing himself.
This is when i was told..i love you deeply, but it’s not thr right time for us. He continued to blame me for causing the break up by my actions in Oct. He neglected to tell me at that point that his kids were demanding he not date and didn’t want a new mother. I found this out later. Anyway, I told him to leave me alone and not call or text me if he was done with me, but he didnt stop. Each time I asked him he found a new way to get me to respond..he kept me hooked with the fact that we may get back together..even said you can’t lose the right thing!!!
Well a few weeks ago I found out he had started dating. i was so sickened. This from a man who said he loved me deeply, adored me and who really had treated me well. How could his kids influence this?
he finally stopped contacting me..after I found out he had started dating I asked him to stop! I thought if some time passed I could resume a friendship with him, but apparently not. He held onto me until he was able to release me. it was all about him and his needs. He tried laying guilt on me early on and making me feel like a 5 day break ruined his love..or whatever??
I just wanted to share this with all people going through heartbreak. I lost 20lbs and after losing my husband a few years ago never expected to go through this. he assured me he was in it for the long term. Bottom line. Talk is cheap. When the love is real, mountains can be moved.
I am moving on….
Dear Susan,
I have only just stumbled upon your article. I currently take medication for depression, but I came across the term ‘chronic grief’, and wondered whether I am suffering from this instead, and it lead to your article…
I met my ex at sports club when I was 17, he had just finished university and had joined. We saw eachother practically 7 days a week at training. When I was 18, we started to date, and were together for 8 months. It fell apart when I started university. We had agreed to end it before I went away to university, but I begged for him to change his mind, and in the end he gave in a couple of weeks into my being there. It had been a very intense relationship, as we were used to seeing eachother everyday, spending practically all day together, and now we saw eachother once a month. He was busy training, and I was away at university. I had no car to go and see him, and he was always too busy, or too tired to come and visit. Even when I came home for weekends to see him, he’d usually make excuses, and would cancel seeing me. ‘We’, started to deteriorate.
I am a shy person, with only a handful of friends, but he was my best friend, the person I shared everything with, the person who I relied and depended upon; in a word, he was my life. That itself, was a huge mistake, as I found I had no-one to talk to about our break-up.
Every decision I made revolved around him, he was such a good boyfriend, he was so polite, funny, just amazing, he made me feel like the only, and most special person in his whole world, I couldn’t have asked for anyone better. I had had several boyfriends prior to him, but compared to him, they were nothing, they were just ‘experience’. I thought I ‘loved’ them, but truthfully I had no idea what love meant until I met my ex.
I am the type of girlfriend who needs to see, her boyfriend, and have a lot of communication with them, or else I feel insecure, and unloved, i’ll admitt that I am high maintenance. So with the lack of communication (rarely seeing eachother, and phone calls becoming few and far apart) I became distant. I tried to make it how it ‘used to be’, but it just wasn’t happening, I wished so much that it would, but when I did talk to him, and see him, I was quite ‘cold’. It was the emotion that overcame me. I was angry and upset he did not visit me, I felt alone, in a new place, surrounded by new people. I did not want to be there, I wanted to be with him, but he was leaving me alone.
On the 6th November, (I had come home for the weekend) he came over to my house. I remember it perfectly, we were sitting in the living room, either ends of the sofa, just watching the tv, in silence. I was so cold towards him, and how I regret that! Then he just said, ‘we both know it’s not working….’, and there it was, he ended it. Instead of crying, or showing my vulnerability, I just sat there, hardly saying anything, and when I did it was short and sharp. No arguments, no begging, just … I don’t even know. He had promised me (before I went to university) that we would get back together, picking up where we left off, once I had finished. Now, he was just saying how he hoped we could be friends, the usual lines. He was clearly upset, and I didn’t think he had met someone else, for I had been his first girlfriend..
I went back to university, and just ignored what had happened, I had told my housemates, and they decided to take me out one night to cheer me up. It ended in me drinking far too much and just breaking down in tears in the middle of the dancefloor. I cried all night, and carried on breaking into tears for weeks after. All I could think about was him, and how much I missed him, and how I wished I had of acted differently that night he came to my house.
We still talked; he rang me quite a lot, he told me how he missed me, and we were friendly towards eachother and things seemed ok, but then I would just start crying as soon as he hung up. Then, this guy in my class kept chatting me up, and asked me out, by December, he was quite intense, and I had to keep telling him that I had come out of a serious relationship, and that I needed time to get over him before I could enter another relationship. However, I was scared of not being with someone, and although we acted as boyfriend and girlfriend, I did not agree to call him my boyfriend until May. I constantly feel that I did not give myself enough time to get over my ex. It did not help that my ex used to call me, and tell me he thought we’d get back together, he was jealous of my new boyfriend. It would seem that as soon as I felt ‘over’ him he’d come back into my life.
It has been over three years since we split up, and I have tried to block him out of my life, I even told him that I felt I needed to halt contact with him, and he said ok, yet a few months later he contacted me. I asked him a couple of months ago if he felt we would get back together, and he told me he didn’t. He said how he thought about it, but wondered whether it was the fact that he missed me, or being in a relationship, and ended up realising it was that he just missed having a girlfriend. Since then, we have not talked. I try so hard to forget him, but I still miss him so much. I write in my diary to help ease my mind, but it only provides short time peace.
Now that I have read your article, I am going to try and start over, take your advice and see how things go. It’s not fair that my emotions indirectly affect my current relationship at times. Thank you so much for writing an article on such a personal level, that it feel as though you are talking directly to the reader. Articles like this really do help the healing process, I just hope it will help mine too…
My story is also quite complicated. I will try to simplify it.
Met Joe in May 2006. We were inseparable ever since. He moved in with me in October of 2006. His ex-wife used to call him literally 20 x a day begging to come back and for him to dump me. A few times he visited her; she moved out of state so these were overnighters, and I stood strong and understanding while he figured out what path he wanted for his life. He always, always came back to me though.
He is 47, I am 42. He is a car dealer, personality of Jay Leno, very slick, very alpha male. strong & silent, doesn’t show much emotion. He was emotionally abusive throughout our relationship. Emotional withholding. I felt like a wilting flower some of the time, and wondered how I could fix things, since it appears that i must have done something wrong to make him change. We broke up 6 times. Yes, 6.
And until this break up 2 days ago, he always came back. The longest we were apart was 3 weeks back in July of this past year. But of course as always, Joe ended up emailing me or texting me that he was so sorry things didn’t work out and would always care for me, blah blah… this last time he asked to meet me for lunch. We spent the afternoon together and by nightfall we were back together for good. He moved home from the ex’s house two days later. That was 7 months ago.
And things were good. For awhile. Then, they started to drift off again. Joe was having major financial problems. It seemed to affect everything from how he related to me to his sex drive. I never had any evidence of him cheating, but looking back, I think he may have been. His job is a driving job where he makes appts and sells, and he would have been able to pull it off if he wanted to.
And he certainly, at the end, acted as tho he was cheating, because I literally cannot remember the last time I received more than a duty peck on the lips from him, had sex with him, or received a hand-holding or a hug. He countered by telling me we were a done deal, and I should not need those things. He withdrew into playing online poker, watching cops, and sleeping with his back to me. Saying good night or good morning to me stopped. He only checked in by phone with me because he felt he had to. He stopped telling me he loved me.
There were a lot of mental games going on, I think. I began to have anxiety, not sleeping, and the more I tried to communicate, the more he would tell me to relax, we’re fine, leave him alone…… I felt very invalidated and meaningless to him. I was realizing it was all about Joe. and his needs, and his agenda. He criticized my kids (not to their faces, only in private) and he found a lot of fault with me. I tried to be sexy and approach him; I was rejected because he said the atmosphere sucked. I said we have some control over that you know. Meet me halfway. work with me. When I would say work with me he would shake his head and laugh at me. He just didn’t get it, I guess, or didn’t care. Here is how the end went down:
He said the wrong thing yesterday on the phone to me.
I guess I had had enough.
I asked him……
“do you care if we break up”
he said:
“i don’t care really, either way;…”
that was all it took for me, after 3 years of wearing his $1100 engagement ring, dealing with his mental, emotional and occasionally physical abuse, to say fuck this…..
The day before he told me he wouldn’t care if our house (my home) got foreclosed on… that it meant nothing to him. He also told me that it was ME who wanted to end the relationship. ME. I told him he is wrong and he said I know what you’re thinking, you would be happy if I left. I never said anything like that. why is he making this my fault…
and who is getting his best?
He has someone new to occupy him and amuse him for awhile.
or he has gone back to the ex he always flipped flopped with since he’s known me.
i know nothing anymore.
but what a hurtful comment to me, to tell me he really didn’t care.
no kidding huh ?
And the saddest part is, we weren’t even arguing at the time, not really….. we were bickering over bills and money a bit, but nothing to substantiate such a horrible statement to me.
And I thought to myself, “I know 400 lb women that would not tolerate being told that their fiance doesn’t care whether or not their relationship makes it. I know ugly awful unlovable women who would STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES at being told that.
And I decided, that since I was none of those things, that I AT LEAST should stand up for myself.
he says this to me just before i take my 8 yr old and her friend to the movies.
I text him while I am at the movies. I text, “why do you treat me so badly?” and “don’t you care about us anymore?”
no replies.
i get home, and DEMAND an apology. He gives me a standard “sorry.”
I say, did you mean it?
No no, Paula, I didn’t mean it. of course not.
(sarcasm)
“Now, can we please just STOP? CAN U LET THIS GO???” he asks me.
huh?
let it “go” ?????
you don’t care if we make it or not and I am supposed to let that slide by the wayside….
you know what he does?
he SPITTLES one in my face. Totally insincere, an angry apology if you can imagine that. Then he tells me in frustration (poor baby) that “I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE YOU ARE GOING TO DRIVE ME TO LEAVE!!!!!”
So I say, fine, go. bye.
He pulls out in his truck.
He calls. He is getting a soda. He wants to know when it will be safe to get his things. I tell him to go to hell and hang up.
He calls back about 20 min later. “I have a deputy with me to escort me to get my things.”
I say, “put him on the phone.”
He does. He really has a cop with him.
So, two deputies arrive in 2 cars (beautiful for the neighborhood gossips. I was never so humiliated)…. and he gets his things and leaves.
And when he is done packing, the cops let me look to make sure he hasn’t taken any of my things. Now it’s dark. I can’t tell….. but I do go in, get his toothbrush that he left, and THROW it into the back of the truck. He pulls out, and just in case he is looking back, I am flipping him the bird.
I do not any longer accept his bullshit. 3 YEARS of wearing this ring, putting up with his dysfunction, his crap. i am DONE after hearing him tell me we don’t matter to him on the phone.
i demand more. he is LIVID! HE IS SCREAMING…. because I was angry at him. He threatened, “if you can just accept that….. just leave me alone….”
No, I cannot. I will not.
HE SAYS, HE CANNOT TAKE MORE OF THIS, HE WILL LEAVE! I SAY GO!
it is O V E R after 3 years.
omg.
he calls me 1/2 hour after he leaves..
“Are you ok?”
i say “F U” and HANG UP
Since then, I have called him a few times (the usual pissed calls) but then thought better of it. This man already involved the police. I don’t want to look like I am harrassing him so I stop.
But I do have to make one more phone call, so I do.
I tell him that he needs to telephone first before coming to get his furniture (he still has stuff here) and to please not bring the police as I pose no “threat” to him and don’t need the embarrassment. He hurt me enough. I also tell him not to insult my intelligence, because after thinking about it, he has ignored me and treated me badly now for months, and I honestly believe he had a place to go unload that stuff last night. He had something set up before we were done, and I think he started the fight and said all the mean things he did on a daily basis because he wanted out and was trying to drive me over the brink. When he couldn’t, he finally left because she was probably ready for him. He had to be at work this morning and he uses that truck. He had a place to unload it, and I told him in that phone message that I knew.
And I told him I have nothing else to say to you. Please call first to get your things and goodbye.
So, it’s over……..
I am freezing, cannot get warm. I took a very hot shower. did no good. I am shivering on the inside, and I feel like damaged goods in more way than one. My head is a mess, I’m scared of the finances, I am driving his car until I get one next month, and we have shared cell phone bills (though I haven’t seen a detailed bill of HIS phone in months……) and shared car insurance.
So many ties still thereR