More on No-Nos
If you’re trying to get over a breakup there are things you SHOULD be doing: you should be taking care of yourself, you should be eating right, sleeping, exercising; you should be affirming yourself every single day and building that self esteem; you should be finding support and new friends and interests. You should be writing in your journal and figuring out goals and where you go from here. That is how you get where you are going (to a GREAT life!). BUT there are things that are NO NOs if you want to get there.
These can be tough to swallow if we’re used to acting out and doing whatever the heck our feelings tell us to do. But it’s time for a CHANGE. It’s time to be a mature, healthy person who has self-control and self-restraint and MOST OF ALL—-SELF RESPECT!
Taking care of YOU and avoiding common entanglements with your ex are KEY to having a happy and healthy future with someone much better.
They might be a bit tough to swallow and hard NOT to do, but they are the key to feeling better, faster. DIS-ENTANGLE. You will thank yourself later for it.
We’ve talked about being friends with the ex: NO. We’ve talked about all these at one time or another but here they are again, more classic entries on the No No list
The No-Contact Rule
The most important no-no is No Contact. In this technological age, it is easy to reach out and touch someone. But that does not mean that you should or that it’s a good thing because when you are trying to get over a breakup, it’s not. Don’t mistake grief for love. It’s normal and natural to grieve even if the relationship was the worst relationship in the world. Don’t let your grief cause you to second guess your feelings.
Even if you do still love him or her, you don’t have to act on it. You don’t have to make contact or find ways to see the other person. Grief is a long, hard process and often contact will seem like it temporarily alleviates the pain. But it does not really alleviate it; it just postpones the inevitable.
If you have children, treat it like a business relationship. No dramatic scenes, no using the children as pawns and no carrying on in front of the children. Read the “Children and Breakups” Chapter and start acting like an adult. Other than exchanges about the children, the “no contact” rule applies.
The No-“I have to have closure” Rule The first rule about “closure” is to stop saying the word. It’s a meaningless word and is often bandied about as an excuse to stay in touch with the ex. What happens at the end of grieving is best described as “acceptance” or “integration” or “reorganization” but it’s not described as closure. You can’t “get” closure, you can’t insist on closure. Closure happens when you least expect it, when you realize you’ve done your work and moved on, and it happens from inside you.
You don’t’ need to know what your ex thinks or why you ex did a, b, or c to move on. If you want closure you need to do your grief work, integrate the experience into your life and turn the page.
Your “closure” is your responsibility. You get closure by doing your work, not by re-engaging and dredging up more stuff. You get closure by keeping yourself safe, being good to yourself and un-attaching from that which you have been attached.
The only closure you can hope for is the closure that comes from inside you. The person who hurt you cannot give you closure, nor should you want them to or expect them to or give them that kind of power. You need to move on from where you are for you.
Closure is part emotional work and part decision. At some point you need to turn the page and decide it’s over. Closure is your deal and yours alone. When you’ve done the grief work, worked through your inventories and made a decision to move on, that is closure. Closure happens for you and inside you. And only you. You get it from within, never from without.
The “No Trying To Make Sense of It All” Rule
During the breakup, there is usually some inclination to “set the record straight” or to confront the ex on all the stupid things that he or she said to you. You might not understand where this breakup came from. You might not understand how that last fight led to “it’s over”. You might think you did nothing wrong and you are the best thing that ever happened to your ex. This all seems wrong and unnecessary. You might think back on the relationship and realize your ex said that you were the best thing ever and how much you were loved. Then it was over. Your head reels with incomprehension. How could this be? How could this person say A one day and B the next day? What is really going on with them? Is it something else and they are taking it out on me? How do they think this breakup is going to be a good thing? You might think that if you can just talk some sense into your ex, all will be alright.
The temptation to set the record straight is a strong one. After a breakup there are usually a lot of “why”s. Your ex may have said things that do not make any sense to you. You may have heard illogical or un-reasoned explanations that go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. You ruminate on the things your ex said and figure out the reasons why your ex is simply wrong.about everything. You start to imagine and believe that you can have a conversation and turn this wrong-headedness around. Avoid those thoughts.
If your ex is thinking stupidly or wrongly, then accept the fact that you have been with someone whose way of thinking is incompatible with yours.
The No-More-Arguments Rule
Sometimes people continue to contact each other to tell each other everything they think of them. Once you breakup, there should not be much more to say. If the ex decides that they would like to tell you every thing they think of you (often on a continuing basis), shut it down.
Avoid doing the same. Yes, you’re hurt. Yes you have things you would like to say. Yes there are arguments you would still like to have …. and WIN. Don’t do it.
Disengage from the ex’s thinking. Allow them their ridiculous thinking even if they are rewriting history. Allow them to blame it all on you or your family or the fact that it was Tuesday or that it was raining. No matter how far our or inconceivable it is, let them have that version of things. Detach from what they think or why they think it. Just let it go.
So long as you hold onto and try to manage this “wrong headed” person, you are not going to find the person who is “right-headed” enough for you. Let it go.
The “No Sex With The Ex” Rule
People not only try to communicate to stay in touch and avoid finishing their unfinished business, they often connect in a physical way. Emotions are running high when you see your ex and every part of you sits up and takes notice. You might mistake your heightened awareness and sensitivity for physical connection. You also might just be lonely and think what the hell. You know each other, you know what sex is like with each other. What’s one more go-round?
While breakup sex seems like fun, it comes with confusion and more complications and is, therefore, another no-no. Even if you have a terrific time, you will end up feeling confused and maybe even used, at the very least you have postponed the inevitable–you’ve got to say goodbye.
If it’s dead, bury it. Don’t sleep with it.
The No-Revenge Rule
The advice about revenge is very straightforward and simple: It is a no-no. Don’t do it. After the breakup, you want to move on and become healthy and happy. No matter how unfair everything was and no matter how horribly your ex has acted, you have to concentrate and stay focused on keeping your side of the street clean. It is IMPERATIVE that your post-breakup world is about changing you and doing the best you can to move on simply and cleanly.
The No-Rebound Rule
If the ex has found a new love, it makes our being alone that much more difficult. You may be tempted to throw yourself into a new relationship or to date a lot. Sometimes this eases the initial pain but eventually you need to stop, commit to spending some time alone to do your work and move out of Rebound City.
Know that another relationship is not going to help until you grieve this one. Everyone does the “rebound” relationship once or twice in their life but it’s usually not the best thing. When that ends, you now have two relationships, instead of one, to grieve.
The “No Avoiding Being Alone” Rule
The best thing to do after a breakup is to take time for yourself before your next relationship. People have trouble doing this sometimes, thinking they are never going to be in a relationship again or that no one is every going to want them. Even people who have gone from one relationship to another somehow fear that they are never going to have anyone again.
The idea now should be taking a break from relationships and learning to heal yourself and put yourself on the right track.
Avoiding being alone is one of the things that is going to keep you from finding your own strength and your ability to construct a well-designed life. You need to spend time with family and friends and meet new people (new friends/contacts) but you also need to learn to bask in your aloneness. Yes, bask. It’s NOT BOREDOM. It’s NOT LONELINESS. IT’S PEACE! The sound you hear is no one bugging the crap out of you. ENJOY the sounds of silence.
Make peace with the peace. It will serve you well in your next relationship.
Give yourself time and attention and construct that well-designed life that you richly deserve. Leave the ex in the dust and GET ON WITH LIFE!!!
Much more in the Getting Past Your Breakup book. To order click HERE.
The Post-Breakup No-No List
June 26, 2007 by Susan J. Elliott
I have been failing at the no-contact rule, but I think that’s because there were many things left unsaid that needed to be said. I think all of those things have finally been said.
I think I might now be able to abide by that rule, but if the past is any indication, I’m not sure how likely that is.
Any other advice for how to avoid it given the ease of communication these days?
You really have to make a decision to not do it. No matter what. Even back in the days before cell phones and computers, I would counsel people to sit on their hands. I knew clients who would stop at payphones while they were driving. They would spot a payphone and stop. So even when it was harder, people who wanted to break the no-contact rule, would find the compulsion unbearable. I remember counseling a woman to sit on her hands and she was in a phonebooth calling me after she had just called this ex of hers.
She started to do the sit on her hands. She also crocheted and would pick that up when she wanted to call. If there is something you can do instead of call or text, DO IT.
But the bottom line is that you have to DECIDE to not do it and not do it. The longer you DON’T do it, the easier it gets. The more you give into it, the harder it gets.
Hello, I’m new and this page and your book have been very helpful. If this post is not in the right spot, I apologize. My situation is different in that we broke up over religion, not love or our feelings for each other. The truth is, we want to be together, but have different views on how to raise a family, etc. This was a shocking revelation that happened 24 hours before i was about to propose. I am trying to be NC, but have thoughts about possible reconciliation. If she contacts me, and I do not respond, aren’t I preventing that possibility from happening? I’m not sure what to do.
Thanks!
no contact rule is hard especially if they (the ex) told you they understand if yorue not taking it so well and leave the ball in your court to call them in order to reamian friends, i dont think its wise to do do,
what do you think?
I would not call them. I suggest not remaining friends. Move on and be done with it. It IS possible to be friends after a breakup in a FEW cases (very few) but I suggest that even if it’s the world’s most amicable breakup, give it a good long time before you even THINK about being friends.
I have an ex that I had a long relationship with (5 years and he was close to my kids when they were growing up) and we’ve stayed in touch. We’re both married and he had a child with his new wife. When my middle son was seriously hurt in 2002 he sent him a letter and a card which meant a lot to my son (he was a big part of their childhood). But even when we were first breaking up, it was relatively friendly but we were not “friends”. It was not possible until we each had done our own work and gone on to other people. I wouldn’t say I’m “friends” with my ex but we touch base now and again to say how is it going and it’s nice to have that with at least one of my ex’s.
My future daughter-in-laws parents are friends. Both have been remarried and divorced and he is remarried for the 3rd time (he and his wife have a great marriage). The DIL’s father and his wife throw a lot of parties and have most functions for the kids at their house (even for their adult kids because they have a huge house and are great hosts). My DIL’s mother goes to all of the kids functions along with her kids from her second marriage who are friends with his daughter from his second marriage and his step kids. Most people are amazed at the relationship they have (I think it’s great but I’ve never seen anything like it). I think it takes special people to make that work, but even they did not have this relationship right away. It took years and a certain amount of putting the past behind them for the sake of the kids (which I give them both a lot of credit for doing).
In the beginning: no contact, no friends, no anything. Go on, get over it and the time to be friends is later. MUCH LATER.
I broke up a month and a half ago with my ex. I think I broke every rule you wrote down except sex after the breakup.
That might have happen too except when I broke the revenge rule….she found out and she was super upset.
But now I know there is final closure b/c we are never getting back together.
I’m still angry with her when I think of what she did to me…mostly at night times I think about it….and during the day I’m sad that she’s out of my life for good
Here’s my story: I dated a guy for 6 years. We almost had a baby together but I lost it a year ago; 2 miscarriages actually. Both blighted ovums that I passed naturally but painfully. The 3rd blighted ovum (which I thought was a blighted ovum but was not) was an abortion because I didn’t want to go through the pain of passing it again and I wanted to end it as we were fighting. Then, I found out it was not a blited ovum, but I aborted it anyway… my biggest mistake ever. I regret it so much. It hurts. Now, a year later, our relationship suffered a lot because of my never getting past the baby thing, and we never trying again and financial problems, etc… start to make our relationship fade apart. Then when things were going really good for us, after Valentines day, his birthday, Easter, nice times together, I find he is gone for a week and his cell phone doesn’t work. I desperately want to know if he is okay, so I break into his e-mail to find that he was in Russia meeting a girl 14 years younger than me. I read all the communication they had had which was for 6 months. He wanted to bring her back to the USA for a trial relationship. In the mean time, he did not know I knew about her and when I e-mailed him and he e-mailed me back he acted like everything was okay and told me he loved me, etc… To make a really long story shorter, when he returned to the USA without her but waited for her for a few months to come out for the trial relationship,I was devestated, crying, and he came over to hold me and have sex with me and tell me he loved me but had to do this as he thought our relationship was dying out. I wanted to let him go, kick him to the curb, but I loved him and it was all a shock and he was telling me sweet things and calling me sweet names, it was so hard. Over a period of 2 months of being depressed and crying over my breakup that I could not accept as it was just too much and he was still paying for my cell phone and telling me he loved me, etc… I just flipped. I e-mailed the other girl (the Russian) and told her that he had been sleeping with me and that we loved each other. I begged him to drop her to end the pain or at least make a choice to end it with her or me. He always said no. So, I waited. Then, one day, I called him and told him I couldn’t handle it any more. I told him he had to make a choice before she came to the USA for the trial relationship (so he could choose who was better for him) as I was going to let him go forever. He begged me to stay and that he didn’t want to lose me. I told him he had to make a choice. So, he chose me and e-mailed her to end it. She replied that she chose not to come out to the USA after all anyway because he had been telling her that he loved me and that he loved her and was being sincere to either to her by telling 2 women the same things. So, I could have sabotaged their relationship. But, I just wanted the hurting to stop. I did love him too. In my mind at the time,I really wanted to be a better girl friend and do what he said I lacked, which was to spend more time with him and less time with groups, etc… I am also a single mom.
So now that I got that girl out of the picture, we have been spending time together which felt good. I loved holding him again without the threat of another woman. But, after all that suffering and trying to make it better between us, I see that things have not changed… he is over here all the time, I have no social life, we are very sedative and not very active (he likes to lay around all weekend from working all week instead of going out places) and I am spending all of my time with only him as that is what his complaint was about. I feel like my body is getting so lazy again. I have been taking him for walks with me as I like to walk. But, I am beginning to feel that I should have just let him stay with her as that is what he really wanted and I was not really all that happy with our relationship before I found out about them. I was really hurt and felt abandoned. Is this normal to act this way and then feel strong again after you sabotaged the relationship of your ex and the new honey? I just didn’t ever want to know anything about my ex’s relationship had he ever moved on, and here I knew everything about her and the sex they had and that his whole family knew about her.
The sad thing also is, is that while he was “waiting” for her to come out for the trial relationship, he told me to see other guys too so we could test the waters to see if we were really meant to be together. So, I placed an ad in the personals. It was really hard. I hated reading all the responses from losers. But, then right before he dropped his Russian, this guy who had some qualities that I liked responded. We had been e-mailing each other a couple of times at that point. I was starting to feel okay, and that my “ex” may have picked up on that and that is why he acted up on him decision then and not before all the begging I was doing to win him back.
So, here I met this guy from the personals and I had so much to offer him and my heart was so open for love. But, now that I ruined the trial between my ex and that women, we have been spending time together every day (and my kids are gone for the summer), but now I want to see this guy again who I met as he seems really nice. He has horses and took me out to eat and brought me a flower the first time we met. I feel like I have to sneak around to see him and he may pick up on that and I don’t like that feeling. I want to just jump in and test the waters for myself now. My mom said I should be able to do the same thing now. I am so confused. He could just be a fling. But, at the same time, I have not dated anyone else and here my ex who is back now did that to me and even slept with this woman when he was in Russia and was planning on her coming out to be with him for 3 months! What should I do? Keep him and work on our relationship and here everyone knows about what happened, or let him go and just date?
I don’t want to hurt anymore and I don’t know that many people out here and have no family.
Any advice?
Lana – I think you might just be addicted to having someone around – you had feelings of abandonment which are what had you pull your ex back into your life. Now that you have him back, you are bored with him and remember why it wasn’t working.
Just because a new guy is nice to you in the beginning, it doesn’t mean he will be nice to you later on – he might have issues so bad that you wish you would have stayed with your ex. The issues aren’t with the men – it is with you – you need to embrace your inner child and help her to feel secure whether there is a man in your life or not.
You can do many things to make yourself be a better happier person. You don’t need to stay at home and watch your man watch TV. You can go out and have fun. You might need to date other people to learn what you like and what you don’t like – but you might just need to date yourself and learn what you have to give and that you actually have a lot of worth – regardless of your relationship status.
cheers
Michelle
Hmm. The “No Contact” rule is a problem for me. What if the two of us both still love each other very much, but know being together in a “romantic” relationship doesn’t work? And what if he is my only friend in the world, and I am too shy and broken up right now to make new ones?
Part of moving on is creating a new world so you can let go of the old one. If your significant other is your only friend that leads to an unhealthy dependency.
Find new people. Do new things. Go to therapy and work on the shyness.
How are you broken? Therapy, support groups, reaching out to others will giv e you new friends and a new life.
When we make one other person our entire world, our world become very small. You can break out of this. You CAN do it.
I see how small my world is now. But it’s ok. I have 2 good friends I can talk to about anything. One of them only became close after the breakup. Sometimes it takes the real care of someone else to make you realise you can make friends. My anxiety plays a lot on my ability, and it’s terrifying sometimes, but I am learning what real friendship means and starting by opening up to others, to let your guard down is a start.
“M”
Ditto on the no contact rule. Maybe it should be limited contact, based on your best sensibilities. I have the same situation you have, and I suspect several people do. My ex left our 10 year relationship to move into an apartment. They left with the notion in mind that our relationship was over. We spent a lot of time together, then decided to ease up a bit. I guess one of my thoughts, since reading this blog, has been when does a person know to put these actions into practice. I am not too quick to give up my 10 year relationship, in which we own multiple real estate properties that are listed in both names. Also, have rental business that needs attending to, plus what if there are other issues that demand you see each other, ie, the dogs (which are inseparable), business, finance, and children issues. In addition to all this, I still want to help out my ex, whether she remains just a friend, or what. I am generally known as kind hearted, I know she needs the help, and I refuse to leave her stranded financially. I think it may be a fine line we have to walk, deciding how to de-couple, but at the same time treating the other person as a human being. An old addage is “it’s better to be kind than to be right”.
I’ve said some people can do it, but not all and not most.
I have maintained business relationships with ex’s where we owned property together. That is not the same as being friends. I have split custody of a dog until it didn’t work. I have separated most of the financial. Separating couples should separate financially. I have agreed to hold onto real estate with ex’s because the time was not right to sell but it was a BUSINESS ARRANGEMENT, not a friendship. Ex’s who have kids need to treat it as a business arrangement, meaning keep the emotional out of it.
I’m never sure that I buy people’s kind-hearted arguments. It keeps her dependent. Let her figure it out on her own. It’s sometimes cruel to be kind.
Some people CAN have relationships with their ex’s. Others can’t. I’ve seen so much damage from people trying to so my bottom line is “99 percent of the time people can’t and another .5 percent of the time they shouldn’t. .5 percent do perfectly fine.” It’s a small amount but some people do fit into that.
I agree with Sandy and “M”, I have had the same situation and have managed to have contact and stay friends. We have both moved on, but remain friends and do just fine. I could not imagine such a special person being abscent from my life. He has taught me so many things and will continue to be an inspiration to me, we don’t have to be in a “relationship” in order to be an inspiration to each other.
One more time: I have been friends with an ex. I know people who are friends with an ex but for MOST PEOPLE it doesn’t work out and when one person is pressuring the other to be friends and the other person needs time and space to heal, it is NOT HEALTHY to be friends.
My adivice is for people who need to heal…who need the time and space to do so and who need to be told that they have the RIGHT to say no to friendship (which a lot of people have trouble with).
It is also very difficult when one person is trying to move on but can’t NOT communicate with the ex and they wish that they could stay out of communication.
My postings about no contact and not being friends is FOR THEM, it is not for people who have gone on to be friends. In my past 20 years of experience as both a therapee and a therapist, it is very RARE to see it work out…it does and I recognize that…but it’s not the norm.
M says that she is too shy and broken to find new friends…that’s NOT good and not healthy. M needs to be encouraged to find other friends, not be encouraged to stay friends with the ex as the only friend she has. That’s not a good scenario. Are those of you agreeing with M listening to what she is saying? The scenario she is laying out is not a healthy one.
When I was a therapist and would recommend books to people, they would latch onto the ONE story in the entire book that told a story of a broken couple who managed to work things out and ignore the 999 stories of the ones that didn’t…. As a therapist the biggest problem people breaking up had was trying to be friends when it was either not feasible or hurt one person or was just a big mess….so I address that.
I address what is broken…not what is not broken. Take what you like and leave the rest.
I’m on the road this week but will post more tomorrow. Take care.
[...] Copied word for word from this site: The Post-Breakup No-No List Getting Past Your Past [...]
Susan,
You mentioned that you dont always buy a person’s intent when they say the are trying to be kind, and you further state that sometimes it is cruel to be kind. I copied this from Dr. Ginger Blume’s site, is this what you meant by your statement? Thanks, R
Dr. Blume’s Article of the Month
How To Express Difficult Feelings
by Ginger E. Blume, Ph.D.
As a young child, I heard adult’s caution, “Be careful or you’ll kill him with kindness.” When I tried to imagine what they meant, I pictured a person killing someone while they wore a sweet smile on their face. After hearing the phrase repeatedly for years, it lost its’ ability to capture my imagination. With luster worn off, I chalked it up to utter nonsense.
Only decades later did I come to understand the sage meaning behind this odd saying. Because the notion of “killing someone with kindness” is a mixed metaphor of opposites, its’ meaning was difficult to comprehend. Perhaps, to kill with kindness implied a clever deception or unexpected outcome. One is certainly left to wonder, “Can kindness really kill?”
I believe it can kill in at least three different ways. First, killing another with kindness may be done consciously with either a malicious or a positive intent. When the intent is secretive, it represents a conscious attempt to throw someone off track.
Remember the historical story of the Trojan Horse.” The large wooden horse was delivered as a gift – a gesture of kindness. However, inside the horse was an army, prepared to kill the enemy. As the horse was being rolled into Troy, the army was smugly waiting inside, secure in their deception. Counting on human nature to run its course, they knew a gift wouldn’t be refused and they were exactly right. Their “act of kindness” easily opened up the locked gates of Troy and the city was destroyed.
When kindness represents a conscious and positive intent to please, it can still kill another person. Perhaps, the saying that “too much of a good thing is bad,” explains how the tables can turn quite suddenly from good to bad. Have you every wanted to help someone so much, that you overwhelmed them with you helpfulness? Sometimes parents try so hard to protect their children from the harsher realities of life, that they over-protect and eventually harm their child’s development. When kindness is over done, it can kill.
Sometimes, a person genuinely believes his act of kindness is real. Unlike the Trojan Horse scenario, this person is misguided and uninformed about the nature of real kindness. As a psychologist, I’ve seen many people inadvertently “kill their loved one or their relationship with kindness.” Marriages fall apart because one or both of the partners has a mistaken idea of what kindness really is. For instance, sometimes a spouse attempts to protect their partner from some painful truth or upsetting event. This “protection” typically charades as a genuine act of kindness. The “killer” behaves as if s/he is being caring by virtue of keeping negative or troubling information from earshot of their loved one. You know the rationalization: “I didn’t want to upset you. I thought you had too many worries already. I was just trying to help you out.”
Unfortunately, by the time the deadly repercussion from such “kindness” occurs, it is so far removed from the original event that the crucial cause and effect connection is lost. Hence, the illusion of protecting someone via our act of kindness remains intact. Yet, stop and consider your own experience. How often have you personally felt “duped and hurt” by someone “protecting” you from some negative news? If this pattern of relating continues for any significant amount of time, the relationship begins to wither on the vine. Without the nurturing effect of trust, truth, and openness, the relationship eventually suffers.
Yes, kindness can and does kill relationships. Yet, rarely does the perpetrator of “kindness” recognize or acknowledge the damage done by his/her “positive act.” Sometimes the truth is lost because the “kind behavior” is actually a selfish act masquerading as a positive one. In this case, the deception is one of self-deception rather than misleading the other as to your true intent. We all know how easy it is to avoid talking about a difficult topic. It’s easy to convince yourself that the other person is probably better off not knowing what you know. In essence, your act of kindness is protecting you, while killing them!
And hear lies the paradox: a kind intent can cause damage to your significant relationship. If you do something with the conscious intent of saving a loved one some grief, you may be hurting the relationship more than you ever imagined. If you see yourself “killing your loved one with kindness” consider the effect of your behavior, rather than focusing on your positive intent. By focusing on how some acts of kindness can carry inside them a kernel of destruction, you’ll have a much better change of heeding this sage advice:
“If you’re not careful, you’ll kill them with kindness.”
Wow! Ralph, thank you for sharing…that article was such a fitting post! Thank you, again!
Great article on “Killing with Kindness”. My ex was genuinely a kind person. However, she was what I thought as ‘too nice’. I felt guilty because I told her that. And, I believe this is something that she said as her reason for breaking up with me. She said that no one has ever told her that before. I just didn’t know how to deal with someone like her, and I was feeling guilty about it during my period of grief. However, when I read this article, I was relieved. I don’t have to feel so bad about the breakup, at least for THIS reason… Thanks for sharing.
Sometimes I find myself staring off into space, just thinking over things that went on in the relationship. We broke up (badly- he was cheating) about a week ago. I just need to be reassured that this is normal and not “obsessing”.
Hi Rebecca…how long has it been? It doesn’t sound like obsessing, but I’m not sure how long you think about it or how far from it you are. Let me know. Thanks!
It’s been over a little more than a week. We were together a little under 7 months. On the surface everything was amazing, we had hobbies in common, his friends loved me and quickly became my friends, etc.
The only conflict we had was over his ex – she just kept calling and texting, and it made me uncomfortable. I told him this and asked him either to ask her to stop calling, or to arrange for the three of us to meet and talk about establishing some boundaries. (Sometimes she would call very late at night) He justified his lack of cooperating with either option by saying she was very emotionally fragile and he didn’t want to do anything that would cause her to become suicidal or violent. I accepted this for a long time, but somehow his explanation never sat quite right with me, despite our mutual friends backing him up with stories of their own.
I’d been getting a gut feeling something was wrong for awhile, but didn’t expect it to be as bad as what I finally uncovered – the ex I had been pushing him to break off contact with turned out to not be his ex at all. I discovered he was able to get away with it because she works evenings and weekends. When I finally got fed up and decided to check up on his whereabouts one night, I found him at her house at 4am. He finally admitted the relationship had never really ended and he had been with her on and off the entire time we were dating.
So yes. Sometimes I’m fine and don’t think about it much. Some days I go over it in my head again and again, and find myself staring off into space, just unable to even take it all in. Sometimes I argue with him in my head about some point or other.
I have to see him one more time this week. I’ve managed to keep contact pretty minimal. Once this is done, I hope to never talk to him or see him again. This is hard because we had many hobbies in common that are core to my daily life.
I think I mentioned… it’s been about a week and a half.
Wow. Sorry you went through that. Your process sounds perfectly normal…you’re getting through it….what a jerk.
Stay strong!!
Thanks. I still sometimes wish desperately that I lived in a parallel universe where he is the person I thought he was. Glad to hear my reactions are pretty normal.
I have read your “More on No-Nos “, and it was really help full. i was in a relationship with a women i meet for only three months and then she got pregnet with my dauther . So i never asked her to be my girlfreind , And she suggested for me to move in because i was there everyday, So i did and then i lost my job and she was paying all the bills and i have a dauther from a differnt relationship and she would come over on the weekend. I think i was deppressed who knows. so now it has been 2 yr and 3 months. and we have been over for 4 months because we were fighting for many differnt reson , (cleaning on her part money on mine. ) . so for the first two months we were still sleeping with each other and i was under the impression that maybe we were working on our probles . but she know has been seeing a new person and she doe’s not want anything to do with me and a future with a family. i did ask her to work thibng out because i now make a very good living and i would be able to help her in many differnt ways . and she explained to me that she wants notting to do with me and that the family is no longer an optionsbecause of what happen in the passed . she is in a new relationship and she informed me that she thinks she love’s him and can see her self starting a family with me and wants notting to do with me.
this has been very hard on me i wanted a family and she doe’s not want anything to do with me. its been a cuple of weeks now of her with this new person.
would love some feedback . thanks.
so to recap !
i know her for 2yr and 3months and we have a beuitful dauther and she is 1yr 3months.
i was not employed for 7 months of the relation ship .
she is now with some one from what i know 2 months maybe more and thinks she is falling in love with him.
she did a lot for me and i have explained to her that i want to do for her and return the time and money she spent.
we have now not spoked for a good week or so . just real cold hearted texts from her explaining to me how much of a better person she is with now that he makes much more money has his life togther and how much of a losser i am.
i am doing the no contant rule now , because i have to. am hurt and feel real littel am trying to keep busy and just text her when i can pick my baby up. but even thats hard.
I’ve just read your post break up no no article and some of the responses and just have to thank you. For months i’ve been wondering if i’ve turned into some kind of deranged lunatic. Its fantastic to know its not just me. I spend most of my waking time thinking about my ex. Trying to make sense of how we went from blissfully loved up to “totally over”. I put so much time and energy into engineering situations that mean we need to meet up or speak on the phone. I think about how i can engineer them in a way that culminates in him throwing himself at my knees and begging me to take him back, but the reality is that everytime we do meet or talk i’m so incensed by his apathy or tales of ‘how well things are going for him’ that i immediately fall into arguement mode – which he usually wins – which then triggers me to shift it up a gear to revenge mode. Any sense of satisfaction attained from revenge (which included ‘accidentally’ dropping the shmoozy love poem emblazened coffee mug his new woman bought him) is sadly very short lived. My disingenuious apology was accepted with infuruating grace and the aformentioned mug was replaced by another piece of sentimental tat before the day was out.
I have genuinely believed for some time now that my actions are justified and necessary if i’m ever to achieve ‘closure’. Hmmmm. What i’ve just learned in the last 10 minutes is that i’m in fact delaying the inevitable.
As some of the responses to your article highlight, its really difficult to face up to the reality that the person who used to love inspire and support you more than any other is actually not going to have any part in your future. Its so sad, its a reality i’m not sure i’m ready to accept?? We were together for 10 years and have 2 children. Its so difficult trying to move on when kids are involved and its hard to imagine turning our joint parenting into a business transaction. Almost as hard as listening to the 8yr old recount tales of what he, dad and his new girlfriend did last week. I’m not usually a nasty horrible person (i care about fluffy kittens, old people and starving children) but i have wished more terminal illnesses on that woman in the last 6 months than a lifetime of repenting is ever going to take back (unfortunately she is still breathing).
I don’t think i’m ever going to be truly happy again, but what i do know is that arguements, revenge and death wishes are emotionally exhausting. I’m tired of feeling hurt, angry, disappointed, sad and miserable. I’m also sick of crying. After yet another day of bitter exchanges with the ex and an evening spent crying on my mums shoulder i decided i needed to stop focussing all my energies on him and start trying to help myself. This was the first site i came across en route to the ‘new me’. Its a first step on a very very long journey, but thanks sincerely for starting me in the right direction. I’m going to put my application for the ‘voodoo curses’ course on hold. For today anyway. x
Samantha: welcome to the blog! Your sense of humor will carry you far. :)
I’m glad you’re here. Hope the articles help you. Keep commenting and coming back!
How long after a breakup is a good time to wait to date again? (and I mean DATE, nevermind a new sex partner) Should you wait until you feel completely ready or give yourself a little push after awhile?
I’m sure this depends on how long you were with your previous relationship, but I’m curious. I was in a relationship about 6.5 months, broke up about a month and a half ago, and have been following the no-contact rule for about a month. Admittedly, we didn’t date that long, however the situation was intense and by far the worst I’ve ever been treated and it left me emotionally wiped out.
Thoughts?
It really depends on a lot of things…how much distance (emotional, not time) between you and the last relationship, how much work you’ve done, how you feel overall.
Sometimes going out on a date allows you to know you’re not ready. Sometimes dating too early can be a big problem. It’s hard to say but if you had a really difficult breakup, it might take a while.
I used to go out on “test” dates to test the waters and see if I was ready…a lot of times I wasn’t but I couldn’t really tell until I was out there and miserable half way through the night.
It really does vary.
Hi, so I am getting to this article a little late, my ex-gf broke up with me about 2 months ago. We dated for 11 months. This was my first serious relationship and we spent every waking moment together and never got in a single fight. Everything was going very well and I was extremely happy until, out of no where, she told me she needed some space and broke up with m. I gave it to her, and soon found out from a friend of hers that she may be interested in someone else (nothing physical at the time, just interest). Anyways, she had not mentioned this and I was obviously hurt to hear this
Anyways, the weeks passed and we maintained some contact (i was going through some other issues at the time with a serious injury of my best friend), so she was still there supporting me through that). It soon became clear that she and this other guy were officially dating, and she was doing everything she could to not let me know or hear anything about it (a good thing, but still jealousy was there). I finally told her i needed some time away from her because I was still in love with her.
My frustration starts here, I was finally starting to get over her when she messaged me one day saying “do you seriously hate me? is this how it is going to be, are we never talking again?” And again I repeated what I felt, but she refused to accept it and somehow manipulated me into admitting I missed seeing her and being around her and stuff. Two days later, she comes over and gets drunk with my friends and I and becomes very flirty with me, telling me stuff like “she thinks we are meant to be together” and tries to kiss me… twice. I then tell her to leave. She claims to not remember the whole thing the next morning, and meanwhile she is still dating this new guy.
I am very much still in love with this girl, and I would say pretty confidently she still has strong feelings towards me (in addition to the mentioned event, she still calls/texts me a TON) and I would say if I let it happened there is a very good chance we would get back together at some point in the near future. My question is, how do I stop letting her play these games with me, while not ruining a shot of us getting back together? We are on great terms, but I can’t deal with her right now. I don’t want her to think I hate her, but I don’t want her to think I am obsessed with her.
Thank you for posting this advice. It meant a lot to me.
My ex found a new love and I am devastated.
She was my first girlfriend and I really felt like I loved her.
I was not sure about being with her for the long run so I broke up with her.
As days went on I started to miss her terribly and wanter her back in my life.
She had proclaimed her love for me on many occasions and when I felt the love in my heart for her she had moved on. I may have mistaken my grief for being love.
I hope I can find someone in the future and I hope not to cry too much about this in the future. I was not there when she needed me and she is not here when I need her the most.
We probably were not meant to be. It hurts to know that she can move on so fast. Its almost like her love for me was not that deep. I do not want to judge her because I too had my share of issues. I was very indecisive about the whole relationship from the get-go. I would like to advice first time daters to evaluate their doubts and nip a relationship in the bud if they are not sure if its going to work.
I thank you for helping me during this tough time with this article.
I am now going to listen to ‘Let it be’ from the beatles.
All I wanted was some space. I wanted to know how deep her love was and whether she could give me a bit of space, but everytime we spent time away it felt like she was looking in other places for that attention which I denied her. So when I pushed her away(a month ago) and she moved on. I called her on the 31st and told her that I love her and asked her to come back. I don’t think she will and she is fully justified in not coming back. What hurts right now is knowing that she could move on in a month and even more knowing that she was keeping an eye open for someone while we were still meeting. I loved her and had never loved anyone before. I wish she had given me time, but I was not there for her when she needed me.
I want her to be happy. I hope the person she found treats her right and is good to her.
I wish that I dont make the same mistakes when I date again.
Joe,
Your ex sounds really immature. It sounds like she is playing games. Her behavior indicates that she does NOT want the relationship back, but she doesn’t want you to move on and be happy without her, either. That’s pretty selfish. She doesn’t seem ready for the same level of maturity in a relationship that you are. Asking for space before was a really good idea. She didn’t respect you enough to respect your boundary. That says a lot about her. Why did you let her “crash” your boundary?
I am very depressed now and I cry uncontrollably. She called to say that she does not want me back. She fell in love with me and told me so much about how much she loves me. I asked for space and now when I feel terribly in love with her, she leaves me. I have been stupid for asking for space and for taking time off from the relationship. Stupid for not meeting her expectations to call and be with her when she needed me. Now she has someone else, I am all lonely, I’ve never had a girlfriend before and this current situation makes me feel like the whole world is collapsing around me. I have only myself to blame. However I know that if I hadn’t taken time away from her I would never have known how much she means to me. I never looked at another woman when we broke up. It was not a clean break, we kept in touch and my feelings for her during the 30-40 days apart grew and her feelings diminished. I feel better writing all this here. It seems like I’m releasing a lot of energy.
Not really sure why. Mainly because we still have really fun together when we hang out, it’s just the times when we aren’t together that I am left to wonder why in the world it isn’t working. Meanwhile, she is off being happy. Everyone keeps telling me (including her best friends) that it’s just a phase she’s going through and they all think we’ll wind up back together.
I agree with you that she is being very immature. In fact, I would not get back in a relationship right now with her. I am even open to dating new people at this point. I just could very well see us ending up back together when/if she grows up at some point down the road. Either way, it’s one of those things where neither of us would like to eliminate each other from our lives.
Joe,
You asked in your first post above how you could get her to stop playing games with you, so I was responding to that question. I think taking time away from each other and going NC is a way to gain clarity and perspective without playing games or permanently “eliminating” each other from your lives. If you don’t want to go NC for awhile, then you will probably have to live with the blurry boundaries and mixed messages that are likely to follow. It’s just very confusing for most of us, most of the time, to have ongoing contact with someone we have recently broken up with. If you do this while dating other people, it’s also not very fair to the new people each of you dates. Rebounding is not a healthy response to the end of a relationship; it’s really an emotional reaction to it. There’s a lot of wisdom in the advice that Susan is offering in the above blog, but ultimately we all have to decide for ourselves what is right for us. It really worked for me and has clearly worked for many (in the long run, which is harder to keep our sights on when we are feeling bad), so I endorse the no-no list and encourage others to give it a try.
Kathy
Okay, it’s been a little over two months since I initially broke up with my X. I have looked on the dating sites just recently and have met a lady that I like. We communicated for a couple of weeks by phone and email. We have found that we have people in common that we know and everybody says this lady is first class. We met for the first time this past Thursday, I asked her out initially for Friday night. We had a great time talking and being together. Saturday afternoon, I called her and asked if she wanted to go out, which she agreed to do. We went out, had a good time after which, I brought her home. Nothing serious here, just two lonely people, spending time together, going to the movies and out for dinner. We’ve held hands and kissed goodnight. That’s really the extent of it. I do feel kind of like a school boy out on his first date. The thing about this is, it feels very alien and strange to me. I’m a jittery when I anticipate picking her up, which I guess is expected behavior. I’m not falling in love, or even infatuated or anything like that (one should certainly hope not at this point.) I know I still have work to do on grief and whatnot, but I already feel like the X is less significant in the grand scheme of the universe and I feel validated that I really am a good and decent person because somebody is okay enough with me to have met me, gone on a first date and then a second without rejecting me. I guess what I really want to know, and I know it’s all an individual thing, but my concern is this: Am I moving too fast? Should I sit around another couple of months moping and ruminating about the X? Is it alright to start getting to know somebody with the potential of it becoming a romantic thing, perhaps leading to a loving relationship after the short period of time since my break up? I don’t want to make the same mistakes that lead me into that other relationship that turned out to be so destructive to me. I appreciate everybody’s comments.
Thanks,
Henry
Henry, it sounds like if you know some people in common, and they like her too, this is a good sign. I’d say take it slow, and if you can skip more of the months ruminating about the ex, yay! Just maybe make sure that you know what your lessons are from that first relationship. I guess that old saw about history works for relationships too- “If we do not learn from history, we are doomed to repeat it”.
It was too soon.
Henry: sometimes we go out on a date and then we realize it’s too soon. Other times we think it’s too soon and it’s not. If you’ve gone out too early just regroup and take care of you. And give yourself credit for going through the process. Be good to Henry.
Henry, What happened to make you think it’s too soon? I ask because I had a physical experience once with another guy since I broke up with my boyfriend, and it made me realize I am not ready either. It just made me miss my ex more.
Hi Moving On,
I really think that she wasn’t ready either and we were also very much mismatched. We went out Friday and Saturday nights. I had to coax her out Saturday. Then Sunday, there was no contact and none yesterday, even though I emailed her and she clearly ignored me. I thought, well, she really isn’t your type because you would not have done that to somebody. If I was no longer interested, I would say, look, I really don’t think we have that much in common, so lets not go further. She sent me a lot of mixed messages. Be all that as it may, I am now just feeling low and all the emotions from my breakup have come welling up. I guess I need to feel those things, but God, it’s incredibly painful. I still have work to do. I’m walking wounded. I need to focus my energy on healing me. Susan is right though. I did go through the process, took a risk and followed through. Now I have to regroup and spend more time on me and then, when I feel ready, I’ll try again. I guess I was hoping to fill that empty hole where my heart used to beat with what wasn’t even a reasonable facsimile thereof. Somewhere in the back of my mind, a little voice was telling me that this woman wasn’t right for me, even before we went out. Talking on the phone, I knew. I just didn’t listen to my own instincts. Oh well, just another step on the road to recovering from this craziness.
Thanks,
Henry
Hi Henry,
I’m sorry that the situation didn’t work out better, but I do think it’s a good thing for you ultimately. It shows you that there’s no “quick fix” or “bandaid” and that you have to face your grief head-on and let it run its course. I’m out of my several-year relationship 3 months and I, too, tried to connect with another guy as a way to hasten the process and fill this unbearable void. It didn’t work and left me feeling more lonely and confused. I now realize that I need to fly solo for a while and not even think about dating or meeting someone until some more time has passed and I am feeling better about things. I also think my motives for wanting to move on were not good–wanting to fill his space, wanting to meet someone quickly because god forbid he meets someone first and I find out about it, etc. These are not reasons to get involved with someone. I know better now and it sounds like you do too. Best of luck on your journey.
Thanks MO,
You know, you said something that triggered a thought in me. I know that there is a certain element of competitiveness involved in some of what motivates me. I didn’t realize it, but when you said that “God forbid he meets someone first and I find out about it etc.” That’s when it hit me. She already has someone else. She is one of those people that is great at denial and had to move someone in right away. I believe she had somebody waiting in the wings because she wanted desperately to get married and after 4 years of me not proposing until too late, when she had repeatedly told me she wanted to get married, she knew she needed to get somebody to marry her to fill her timeline, which is to get married again before she’s 40. She has one year to go. Some of this is me thinking in the back of my mind that I have to get somebody as a way to go, hey, you see, I got somebody too. What a stupid thing for me and even worse for her, because she’s grabbing anything that moves out there to meet her goal. Of course, I need to stop thinking about her and what her motivation is and all the rest of that line of thinking. I’m driving myself crazy with all of it, but maybe I just need to let it ride and get it out of my system. It’s like being haunted by a ghost. I see things in my house that remind me of her, a song, a show on tv, a receipt for something I bought her, stuff we got at disneyworld. God help me, it just makes you want to start screaming and never stop. I even hate my cat because we bought him together. I changed his name from Sylvester to Slash because Sylvester was her idea. How crazy am I? Last night was a dark night of the soul for me and how I got through, I’ll never know. I did though and that’s the important thing. The lonliness and feeling the need to fill that hole, the void. It’s maddening. I want to say though that I really do appreciate your comments and everybody else here. Slowly but surely, I have to be healing. don’t I?
Thanks,
Henry
The poor cat, Henry, don’t take it on him :) LOL
I gave up the cat in my last relationship and was pretty sad about it. I wonder if my ex changed
the cat’s name? hmmmm…
You sound like you are doing ok, Henry, all things considered. Your feelings are totally normal
and you are aware of them. You recognize what is or would be unhealthy and you are trying to
avoid it. Good for you!
I say gather up everything you can find that is a reminder of her or the relationship (everything but the cat, that is :) ) and put it in a box and tuck it away in storage. You don’t need to revisit
that stuff for awhile. Some day you may decide to discard it, but you don’t have to go there yet
if you aren’t ready. But I recommend not looking at it for now.
Fill up that void with old and new favorite activities. Make a list of what you like to do and start makin’ plans! Make a list of long and short term goals that have nothing to do with your former relationship. And start plannin’! Even dreaming about these things could make you feel better.
cheers to you,
Kathy
You ARE healing Henry…you really are. Be good to you (and the cat :)).
My Ex has moved on and it hurts so much. We broke up for a month and she’s already in a relationship. I needed time for clarity and now I’m so depressed because I realized that I am still in love with her and the thought that she does not love me any more makes me feel terrible. I called her when the month ended and professed my love for her. She just does not want me back. I have made so many mistakes. What I have learnt is that when you find love don’t push it away. I dont know how to deal with this sense of loss. I just dont want to wake up in the morning anymore. I should have remained single and not fallen in love. How do I stop having feelings of love toward her? Being alone is making me very depressed.
Hi all,
I really appreciate this motivation and comments from others. I have been in the break-up process with my X for just over 2 months. He was much younger than me and had major issues. He had a lot of anger and cynicism that progressively got worse over the year and a half of the relationship. He didn’t appreciate me and took much more than he was willing to give. He always swore how much he loved me but expected me and the world to change rather than changing his view and approach to life as a whole. I am an extremely loving and nurturing person and I believe that he loved me very much as well but he took advantage of my good nature and decided to give up completely rather than attempt to make the changes in his life necessary to improve his quality of life. I put the no contact rule into affect for a week…until today when I contacted him to let him know that I missed the person he was capable of being. I know that I shouldn’t have – I guess it is the perfectionist in me – I felt that if I tried just one more thing then it would work out. He ended up telling me that it was over and that he was sorry and that I deserve much better. He is apparently starting to date a new girl and tells me that it is not because he is over me. I believe that he is not over me and this is just a rebound “see I’m fine” action but the pain is still there. I know that I deserve much better than he was giving and my struggle with the “no contact” rule has dragged this out longer than it should have but it is still very hard to face. While it hurts very much, I know that this is the opportunity for me to really face my personal issues. I think that I have always considered myself “between boyfriends” when I was single – not truly happy because I felt that I couldn’t really be happy as a single person. I know that I need to realize happiness alone before I can find happiness within a positive relationship. I just feel like I have so much pain and resentment inside that is eating away at me. Is this normal? I’m trying so hard to focus on me but I can’t help but concern myself with him and his happiness. I don’t believe that he deserves to be happy after what he has put me through and I fear that he will find happiness before me. I swing back and forth between knowing that it is of no concern to me to obsessing over it. Any help that you can offer me?
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well my break up was my decision, I had to do it because she is a coward. I left our shared promises before our lease finishes, still pay on time eventhough i don’ live there. i also picked an arbitrator ( a mutual intelligent friend )were if she needs to contact me she must go through him. i exercise, read , and went on vacations. i also try do all the things i wanted to do that i couldn’t before because i was trying to aid my now failed relationship. i vent with friend, see my family and recently enroll in school. i cut all sorts of communications with her. no post sex, no pics. seen a physotherapist and she told me that i don’t need a second session. the no revenge rule is my problem. i waste my energy thinking how easy everything is for her i really despise her,i mean she keeps the condo, all items bought together she gets to keep them and tecnically owes me money but i won’t see that either. i can’t have a civil conversation with her, she frustates me within seconds and due to that i developed an anger problem. she calls me and leaves messages in my box for stupid things, and once came into my work and waited until my arrived but i told her to leave . what the hell is she doing? the no trying to make sense of it all, well that just drains me. i shared many intimate moments, we were in love….what possibly happens inside her head. and last of all i feel needy, abandon and other symptoms. i don’t like to be alone well i can but don’t like it. any help that you can offer me?
ace,
there are some posts that should help you here. Look at the search box to the right. Try the blogs You’re Not Who I Thought You Were and The Feelings of Grief During A Breakup. Then start to read through the archives. You will find a lot of what you want.
ace,
my situation is almost the same as yours. i was with my ex for 4 years, the last of which we lived together. he could not express his emotions/feelings to me and finally i asked what he saw in our future and it came down to him having doubts and not “knowing what a reasonable amount of doubt is” our lease didnt end for another 2 months but i knew that i couldnt stay 1 more minute with a guy who didnt see a future with me. i felt so betrayed! why did it take me asking for him to tell me that! b/c he was comfortable and felt perfectly fine with our current situation and i was not ok with that.
i deserve someone who is crazy about me and express hsi emotions and tells me he wants to be with me. and even if he is not “ready”..atleast he would have and express every intention of marrying me once …..grad school is over…once he saves up enough money to buy a ring i deserve…once .
i havent seen him since i moved out and i do have a lot of my tihngs are his parents house but i just have him drop it off with my friend who lives nearby.
we emailed a few times about “logistical” issues such as phone bills, furnutre, etc and at times i gave a little of myself in the email and expressed my emotions…said i missed him, etc. and he never akcnowlemdged any of these small sentiments….never acknowledged the end of our 4 year relationship.
i’m done with it! i am trying to start the no contact. im still thinking about whether or not i want to send a last letter (no email)…but letter with no return address….just to get our what i need to sya…not for “closure” or anything..b.ut for myself.
i already wrote the letter but im giving myself a few days to raelly think about me. part of me things that he doesnt deserve any more of my time…that a letter to him is not necessary b/c he knows how i feel. still thinking about it…
but i am going on a date on monday. if anything…i’m just meeting new people.
it’s been 2 months since we broke up;
ace,
i also dont like to be alone. i got my own apartment and i love that b/c i cant see myself sharing with anyone else…especially with what im going through now. but i also like to be around people. exercising helps a lot! it gets all the sadness and anger out. i think of it this way…when i run, i dont think so mch about my ex…i mean i do…but the thoughts just float out into the atmohpere and get left there…whereas when i am at hoem and thinking of my ex, the thoughts get trapped in the room.
running and exercising jsut feels so good and it’s good for you! get the emdorphins flwing! and you’re just a healthier person and doing tihngs for yourself! i am also looking to volunteer.
For the past 6 months, I have done all the right things to deal with grief and break-up. I eat healthy, have exercised, spent great amounts of time in my hobbies, and hung out with friends. The problem I have is that I had to contact her to coordinate getting a few of my things from her a month ago and we ended up rehashing some things. She believes that we are too different in a few things and has a point of view that completely contradicts my true sentiment. Simply said, she has me wrong. So now I have a HUGE issue with The “No Trying To Make Sense of It All” Rule. She moved on to a new relationship weeks after we broke up, so I know she is unlikely to listen to my perspective. The real benefit for me to contact her is that it would help me “get over it.” Once I have said what I have to say, I feel like I have done all I can do. I tend to hold onto things if I cannot voice my perspective when she has me wrong. She still may have her own opinion but at least I have voiced my view. Is it really that bad to set the record straight if it would make me feel better?
I think it would be better and more helpful for you to have this talk with multiple friends who will listen and validate what you feel. It’s been really helpful for me to hear my friends validate my perspective. I doubt you’ll get what you want from her- and why do you care? “What she thinks is none of your business”. See Susan’s posting on so-called “closure”.
Templeton, I’ve felt the same urge. Chalk it up to her being SO different from you and close-minded or whatever aspect of her keeps her from understanding your side. Huge odds against that happening. And you need to take care of YOU! Think about YOUR LIFE.
Drive away leaving her in the dust with all her crazy perspective on what happened…you know YOUR truth. Here’s my latest self-talk on the ex: “I’m leaving him behind in the dust”.
Templeton, fby all means, deeply feel the urge to connect with your ex, *sit with it* as Susan says…but do not act on it! Recognise that it is a normal part of the process, shared by so many people here… but stay strong and do not give in to it. Serenity’s idea that you talk out what you want to say to people who will listen is great – you will feel heard.
You say ‘ is it really that bad to set the record straight if it would make me feel better?’ Sorry if this sounds blunt, but what makes you think you would feel better? Might it not be the case that you would feel great at first, the second you fire off the email or whatever…but pretty soon you could well be feeling absolutely dreadful, waiting for a response that most likely will not come, or might come…but very likely will not be what you want. The whole thing (whether or not it illicits any response from her) could well lead to more anxieties and questions, keeping the whole thing alive – and hurting you -rather than closing it as you imagine. Have you read about the Relationship Inventory and journalling?
Believe me, I have been where you are. I have felt that urge to have my say, I have felt the sickening injustice and frustration of seeing my ex’s lack of understanding about who I am and what I feel, and his very different perspectives about our relationship from my own. It hurts! But I have learned through reading Susan’s blogs and through committing to NC (in the face of massive urges to break it) that it really is vital to *let all of this go*. I wholeheartedly believe this, so much so I probably sound a bit evangelical about it!! Sorry, but really, it is the only way forward to recovering and looking after yourself I think.
The truth is, none of us can control or UNDO another’s thoughts about us, our relationship,the past…or anything! Trying to influence them into our own way of seeing things is self-damaging. I really think that trying to have your say would just open up such a can of worms… you will probably always feel there is something more to say, ‘one more final, last word’ and so on anyway…I have done this, it’s crazy-making!
Focus on you and your recovery; giving up hoping to persuade your ex to share your feelings, thoughts and experiences is key to this and it is really such a liberating thing once you get your head around it. As Serenity says, you know your own truth, and really that is all any of us can (and should!) hope to control in any way.
I know it hurts, I feel for you. Hang on in there!
Serenity and Little Wing, Thanks so much for the response. I have read the Inventory and Journal, and many advice columns of a similar nature. I have chatted with friends, and they have “heard” me. They even agree with me. Five months ago, I
“set the record straight” with her and felt good about it until we re-hashed things a month ago and realized she has reinforced her beliefs that we really are that different on two (totally new to me) issues. If it made me feel better once to tell her how I feel, why would it not do the same again? I really do not expect a response from her, nor do I imagine anything I say is going to change her point of view. I just seem to do better moving on when I am able to share “my truth” with her. I really do believe once I have said my “peace,” I am that much more equipped to move on…Do you have anything more that can convince me that “setting the record straight” is not going to work for me (in terms of letting go and moving on)?
Hi! Hmm, I am not sure I can convince you or should really try to! You must and will do ultimately what you believe is right for you, and you own that.
Frankly, I just believe that ’setting the record straight’ is a bit of a myth, and also that it is the wrong focus for the energies of a person who has gone through a break-up. If I were you, I might think about the following -
You say that you felt good having set things straight a few months ago. Okay… But then you two rehashed things and you discovered that there were new issues that you disagreed upon. This disturbed your peace of mind (I think this is BOUND to happen when contact is resumed / NC is disrupted, by the way). How do you know that the same thing will not happen again, should you again ’set the record straight’ this time?
I personally would look hard at that *feeling good* that you originally felt after having your say. I can only presume you felt good because you believed you had convinced your ex of your viewpoint/s in some way or you felt understood or validated. But since you later discovered that things were not actually closed to your satisfaction at all, *and this knowledge damaged your peacefulness*… then what value or meaning does that feeling good really have?
You say that you don’t wish to change her view, but as it was her views/beliefs that disturbed your peace, is this truly the case? If so, then I have to hold my hands up and say that I personally don’t understand your motives for contacting her. ‘Sharing your truth’ with her only brought you temporary comfort last time… you found things out that led you to feel that there is still more truth to tell.
All I am saying is that I would give up. It hurts like h*ll but I believe we can’t make people want to share our truth, and we shouldn’t place our hopes of peace/closure/whatever you choose to call it, in their hands – or involve them in it at all. That isn’t letting go.
Good Luck with whatever you do anyway.
What a great site! I had the big break up two months ago … I could have spent a day here. :) I’ll do it now instead.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4.5 years. I still feel like he loves me though and is tossing around in this head. I want to go to him and to tell him that I have seen the wrong that I did, and I know that I changed for the good of myself, not for anyone else. I want him to see how I can handle things differently and be strong and independent. I want him to see this in me and to want to be with me again. I wrote him a letter, but I did not send it. I still have it. I want to take that letter to him, give it to him, and see what he will do with it while he sees me in person. He always told me that I was the most beautiful girl in the world and that he wanted to marry me one day. A family member of his told him to never marry me, to date other people to find out who the right one is. He did not date many people before me. I understand this family members fear for him, and I wish that he didn’t listen to her. So what he did was go out and date like 3 days after we broke up, because I think he was confused. I honestly believe he still loves me and I want to go to him.
I haven’t broken NC for several weeks. It is about focusing on yourself. I have moments of feeling like I will be okay and get over it, and other moments of missing the good parts of my friend. But reality is, he couldn’t really talk about his feelings,
was adult child of an alcoholic with no recovery, and I thought drank a bit too much. The real deal was seeing what happened when his teenage daughter started drinking and getting busted. His lack of response in keeping alcohol out of the house and having some decent modelling, even when she tried to kill herself with tylenol and then regretted it, blew me away. He minimized it, said he couldn’t feel it, etc…and I was disgusted with his response. I lost all respect. What was I wasting my time for?
But the part in me the abandoned part, the part that wants to have this person minus his bs, really needs special care.
Because that part fights me with fantasy thinking and grief, and I just have to nurture and help that part through.
Al anon is a godsend. I am meeting new people.
I don’t have to choose someone who functions well outside but makes choices that drive me insane and make me lose respect. I have to remind myself of this over and over, sometimes it’s easy, other times it’s hard. And it’s embarrassing to even admit that part of me wants him back.
Really embarrassing to admit that I have that need. I beleive, though, that it is the grief cycle. I’d lost respect for him awhile ago, with bs promises.
Reality is he is a good guy in many ways, but this is a core value of mine, regarding children and any young adolescent who is so caught up in bad situations. It’s a core value in me that I keep my vulnerable self around healthy people who can stand up, admit a problem, and freaking deal with it.
I recycle daily. I do know that this too shall pass. I am worth it.
been 6 months since we broke up and i have tried my best to get over her. she found someone in less than a month, i tried to get her back. I really loved her and she was my first love.
I have eaten well, exercised, gone out, read books, watched movies after mourning for 3 months. and today i break down and cry. Nobody in this world really needs me. I am a machine.
wake up, work, eat sleep. I am a nice guy and very affectionate and i would never have seen another woman behind her back. I dont know what to do, cause I still care about her deeply and dont know how to deal with it anymore. I have not been fortunate with women in the past.Guess i need to forget about her and the feeling of being in a relationship. I brought it on myself by asking her to take it slow. I am an IDIOT, and now shes gone. I have lost everything. My life is the u2 song — with or without you and the pain is not going away. I am just writing this to console myself and if anyone has the heart please reply. Why she left me and why she saw someone else while dating me is because i didnt give her enough and i dont know how to go back in time and change things. i just wish tomorrow never comes and today stops and i stop, but i really cant as i have worked so hard all my life and these thoughts are contradicting the true way i feel about life which I would like to believe is good and that people are really good on the inside and I shouldnt be cynical. Heck, I just give up. there are no answers. I cant read her mind and she knows how i felt and still didnt trust that i would have done things her way. Hopefully there will be another day.
She wasn’t the right one for you, the right one would have been more open to taking it slow, certainly not dating someone else. Don’t blame yourself, please.
snape,
you’re caught in black-or-white thinking right now with your grief. It sounds as if you haven’t totally worked through the grief of the relationship and THAT IS OK. You are *not* a machine, and if you let yourself truly feel the pain and work through it to the end, you will find yourself on a new journey that will turn you around and arrive in a place where you really like yourself and feel strong.
Read this: http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/02/19/dont-give-up-the-day-before-the-miracle-happens/
And also put this in the search box: “The Emotions of Grief After a Breakup” and this “Mourning Theory”.
When you feel strong, do this “The Relationship Inventory”.
And start reading all the postings from the very beginning of the blog, and see what resonates for you.
snape,
We understand what you’re feeling because we’ve all be through it too. It really helps to read and journal. Be good to yourself and be easy on yourself.
Welcome to the blog. This is a fantastically healing and wonderful place to be. You will get better!
Serenity is like the tour guide of the place. Thanks Serenity!
LOL
Sheesh, you know how well a tour guide has to know a place to guide in it??
Hey snape…
Don’t give up… I was just like you since 4months ago. I began working on myself and recovering just a month ago.
Throughout the 1 month, there are days i felt so great, relieved and invincible but the next day i could just feel so depressed about the loss and break down.
BUT IT’S OKAY!
Work on the loss, and move on. Allow yourself to cry… I used to thought that i was going crazy because i was felt such an immense pain and was crying so much. But no, i won’t go crazy… instead, i will be much more stronger the next day.
Go on NC… it helps for me… but it took me 4 months before i have the courage to break off all the contact from her. But so much hurt was done during the 4 months.
Followed by the breakup, my health suffered, my best friend died, there are problems in my family and my work is messed up. I slowly work on all of them… and well, things turn out not that bad…
If you are going through hell, keep going… although this is not my first relationship but it hurts more than ever… but i know in the end, i will feel so much stronger.
“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world… It is the beginning of a new life.”
Don’t give up… keep moving on. This website helped me so much. I’m so thankful to stumble upon this website during my breakup. Keep coming back, read the articles, talk to the people here… best wishes!
hi all, read every post still feel numb tho, then again its only happened 2day.
Story short i met a guy in june last year, he said he was single so i started to see him, a few weeks in i noticed he didnt return my calls on a sat night, a few times i decided to drive by to see if he was home and he never was.
I asked him about his whereabouts and it was always a mate with no name and not much else….
I knew he had split with an ex before me and they had a small child but he had told me this was over before we started seeing each other, i asumed he was there on sat night, i did ask him a few times but never got a straight answer….
I guess I knew deep down he was there but I wanted to beleive him as I liked him so continued to see him….
basicly the pattern went on and i kind of accepted what might be going on and didnt txt on a sat or sun….
Foolish of me hey!
Anyway it started to drive me crazy so one night i drove by and his girlfreinds car was on his drive, i knew cos of the baby sticker, i was sooooo angry I called his home number he answered i said a few choice words and next thing i know his girlfreinds car is passing me on the motorway….
I must have been right tho or she wouldnt have left so quick that time of the night with the baby, he denys to this day anything was going on….
we fell out big time i admit i lost my mind a bit i called him every name under the sun i found myself checking on him only to find another car permanantley on his drive after a few weeks…..
anyway i was not using the no contact rule and he stopped replying…..
months went by and i jan he started replying i have seen him again for the last 5 weeks thinking i could do it different this time! Ha anyway tonight he was supposed to be seeing me only he txt to say he was working late…..
Guess what he wasnt i went to his house and he was ready to go out anyway he had an answer for everything and told me he wanted to leave things right now but maybe in the future things would be different and we can still keep in contact WTF why did he say that my guess is he is edging his bets….
well a few hours on state of play is he wants me to leave him alone! so i guess im going to have to tho i find it hard to let go…..
im angry (at me and him) im hurt and the last txt i sent i asked him to block my number 2moz so this cycle doesnt happen again in the future…..
will he block it or will he just keep me there for when he is low…..?
any advice for me as im feeling pretty sorry for myself right now!
:(
his lies have messed my mind up, ive asked for his honesty and he wont give it, he says i can beleive whatever i want…..
somehow i feel if he tells me the truth i will be disgusted and not want him anymore…..
i wish id never met him :(
serenity, deadman et al,
Thanks so much for your wonderful words of wisdom.
As one of you put it, letting go is the beginning of new life and on that note I heard this song ‘coming back to life’ by pink floyd and it made me feel better.
flower,
Take care of yourself. Read the Post-Break Up No-No List. Go NC. Read through this blog…Good luck.
ugh…i’m so hurt. we broke up before and the same shit happened as before…he said he didn’t want to be with me because of fighting, then he started talking to me like, right away, then i come to find out he regretted breaking up with me and we get back together, only to break up again…and same thing, “can’t force a spark” blah blah, yet since we broke up only a little over a week ago, he has talked to me in some way EVERY DAY except for two non-consecutive days.
i hate this. we did say we wanted to be friends, but friends don’t text each other when they wake up, friends don’t tell each other the mundane happenings of their lives (like two ppl used to do while dating), and he hasn’t yet given me a day when he’s home and free so i can come by and give his crap back.
i love him so much and am trying so hard to get over him, but the day we broke up he texted me and we talked. are you kidding. then the next day, same shit. then the other day he texts me a picture of something that would have had inside meaning to us AS A COUPLE.
“friends” who just broke up don’t do that. i know him well and if he was truly over me i feel he wouldn’t be talking to me at all. i try not to initiate contact, and if i do accidentally in a fit of weakness, i ignore his reply…then he contacts me again. what the heck. he did this before. we broke up, then he talks to me. it hurts. i can’t bring myself to tell him not to talk to me because that is just mean, and i’ll admit i don’t want to lose him completely, and i do want to be friends, but this is just ridiculous. this happened before. it hurts so bad. i don’t know why this happens. and my counselor i was seeing obviously has seen this hundreds of times and she thinks that the person who does this usually regrets their decision, is playing the field and wants to keep someone on the back burner, or is confused. it could really be that he’s honestly over me in a week, but we dated for almost a year and we were both admitted first loves. he’s the one who told me that *i* had to learn to let go, yet he won’t let me!!!!
idk what to do. i am being nice but not super-nice, after all, he DUMPED me….ugh…someone help because the whole “no-contact” is totally broken here. i mean, to me this is not normal post-breakup behavior. but maybe i’m wrong. help!!! seriously.
No such thing as “he won’t let me.” It’s a choice you are making.
Ok, agreed.
But what hurts the most is his seemingly inability to let go. I don’t understand if this is normal break up behavior or what, sending pictures, whatever. That’s what is the worst. It’s one thing to be friends, but it’s another to go beyond that.
Do exs get over the fact that we pushed so hard and long to work things out.
My ex, after months of asking questions and tryng to get her to work on this, told me,
“I didn’t like the how I was acting and reacting to things in the relationship”
I still don’t understand that (but as stateded above) know that they have to say something.
Anyway, I have tried to stay in comtact for 9 months since the break up with very little response from her. I have now gone a record 8 days with NO-CONTACT.
It has been very painful.
Do exs get over the fact that we pushed so hard and long to work things out.
My ex, after months of asking questions and tryng to get her to work on this, told me,
“I didn’t like how I was acting and reacting to things in the relationship”
I still don’t understand that (but as stateded above) know that they have to say something. She seemed very happy until the last 2 weeks of our relationship
Anyway, I have tried to stay in contact for 9 months since the break up with very little response from her. I have now gone a record 8 days with NO-CONTACT.
It has been very painful.
smo7 – Can I make a suggestion? How about you let go so he will let go. I have been NC for 4 months now and self discipline is the key. Do not focus on him, focus on yourself- create a new routine that does not include him. Ignore his gesture of friendship – he is stringing you along and remind yourself that you are no fool. You are smart and courageous – you can do this. We do recognize we are human and sometimes we slide down but we must find the inner strength and fortitude to press on, seek guidance on your spirituality. When all else fails remind yourself about his BS – can you tolerate that? Would you like to go through that again? NOT! Make the choice of what is good for you, do not let another person make the choice for you.
KathyS – I know what you are going through, I still find myself recyling but when I do, I make the choice to stop and think of something else. I read somewhere about – only I can change my thoughts, only I can control my thinking and through the Grace and help from the Almighty I can overcome this. The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr became my mantra.
We broke up in Jan. It was a long drawn break up actually dating some 3 years back. So finally it happened. Hurt like hell but well….. fast foward. after a long struggle, i finally decided on the “no contact rule”, but he still called and asked me out until i had to tell him i wont meet. he still smsed me occassionally. i thnk he has found someone though i didnt want to confirm that nor ask him about it. Seriously, i hv wanted to heal and get well. Of late, been going out with someone else who was nice and kind. But when I see the new guy. i think of my ex and his mannerism and i realised how much i may hv missed him and if i was just distracting myself all these while and not really doing proper work on moving on? I missed those familarity and the way we were so comfortable with each other. Though on the flip side, i know i may not be able to live with his insensitivity or live with the hurt that he had put me through. I also know it is very unfair to the new guy who is probably clueless about whats going on. We were just at the “dating” stage and not quite getting serious. Hence its very non-committal.
But how to really move on? How not to think of the ex? Why am i always reminded of his small mannerism?
I was married for 34 years, I thought it would be forever, and that we would grow old together. My husband had a serious medical condition several years ago, and he changed. I’m not sure if it was depression or a reactive personality disorder. The man that I loved ceased to exist. I left 3 months ago, and am having difficulty now. I am starting to forget why I left and am going back, in my mind to that person that I loved, and enjoyed life with. I’m having a hard time getting over him. I have heard that he has been going to the bars,”To meet someone.” (He never drank or looked at another woman.) I am jealous and feel so alone. I am also hurt that he got over me so fast too. Will I ever get over him?
Dottie,
oh my God, what pressure are you putting on yourself??? 34 years??? And it’s only been 3 months. My goodness.
I was with my ex for more than 5 years, and left 3,5 months ago, and I am still not over it and expecting it to take some time, so be prepared that there is a long journey in front of you. It is normal to have those setbacks (especially after such a tremendously long time together), and very probably he will always have a place in your heart, but you should remind yourself that you have not left “just like that”, I mean there must have been very profound reasons for doing that, no?
Plus, him going out to “meet someone”, signifies nothing. Maybe it is his way of coping. It does not mean he is “over” it, which would be absolutely unlikely, given 34 years spent together. But essentially, even if this is so hard, you must take your focus off of him and what he does or may think. It does not matter.
You should try and rebuild yourself and your life now.
Be patient and forgiving of yourself, do not expect too much progress in such a short time frame. Read through the posts here and keep a journal, write down your feelings on a regular basis. Are you getting some support through family and friends? Seeing a counsellor?
You situation is tough. And yet you have been so brave and courageous to actually leave and not settle any longer, just because you had already spent so much time together. That takes courage!
Be good with yourself. And patient!
All the best!
Greenroses -Thank you for the words of comfort and support, I knew this wouldn’t be easy, but I never thought it would be this hard either. As intense as my pain was the final few years of our marriage, the pain now is just as intense, only in a very different way.
Dottie,
I can relate. It never is quite as easy as imagined. I also thought this to be much easier (being empowered by the feeling of “I am making this decision for myself”), but it turned out to be harder than I thought. Today, I am saying this was so far the hardest decision I have made in my life (and yet it still feels like the right one). I understand what you mean by painful “in a different way”.
This perspective may help: The pain of the final few years of your marriage would have been neverending, had you remained in it, thus it would have been like dying every day, a new death, repeatedly.
Whilst now, it feels like dying only once (although it takes a while to go through the process of letting go), but, there is definitely an END to that pain, i.e. there is light at the end of the tunnel. As hard and as unbelievable as that may seem on some days, please trust in this truth, and it will show itself to you, over time.
Greenroses – i totally concur with your “dying everyday” vs dying (though real hard) only once. In my 9 yrs relationship, the last 3 was like dying everyday. I felt insecure, i buy time, and i try to pretend that everything’s going to be fine. I was even behaving in a way that wasnt myself, but more in hope that the person whom i thought had promised to grow old with me, would find it more accepting. These all happened on hind sight and even now i felt silly and started to bash myself for behaving in a compromising way.
To all those out there with a broken heart. It didnt just break yesterday, It has been breaking all these while. Its just that we chose to ignore it until faced with the wall.
So let it heal now….. though its really difficult at times.
Greenroses – I am so very grateful for your response and I am keeping your words of “perspective” with me. How profound you are! You made so much sense to me. Thank you so very much and know that your words did make a difference to someone else.
Dottie Dean,
Good for you for leaving. Keep on marching forward.
What special short-term, medium-term, and long-term goals do you have for yourself and your life? What fun prospects do you have open to yourself that you didn’t before? Focus on you. You are the most important person in your life, and you will fill up your social life with positive people who see you for the special person you are.
I’m not sure where you are located, but you can also think about finding different clubs that do different activities at http://www.meetup.com
Take care of yourself!
Dottie,
thank you, I am glad they helped you a little. It’s one day at a time, remember….Take care!
Typically, how long do most people do NC before you really feel the full effect? When does it stop being forced and start being reality? I know it differes from the length and degree of love of the relationship, but is there any good benchmark?
Jenny,
now that really depends I think. Not only on the relationship itself, but also on every individual person. But I feel that some 6 months could bring good results.
Jenny,
That’s a good question. I agree with Greenroses, I think it depends on the person and the situation. But, from the numerous books I’ve read, three months is the base line. The brain has to have time to go through the adjustments. The feeling side for me was around the four month period, that’s when it just wasn’t much of an effort any longer. I’m past six months now and honestly, it’s such an engrained habit that when a fleeting thought crosses my mind to contact or want contact, it’s immediatly followed with the thought, “what am I really needing here and how can I give that to myself?” Also, it’s like some ritual, after three months you’re like, “well, I’ve gone this far and haven’t died, what’s another month,” and the next thing you know…it’s another month. The clarity really started to show up in the fifth and six month. That’s when I really started to just sort of forget the ex and really started to remember me. I like to think of it as a pregnancy, give myself 10 full months from the conception point (I was dumped) to the full new birth of me before I’d even consider entertaining the idea of contact. At this point, I honestly have no desire to do so and it’s so integrated into my life that I’m standing on my own that I appreciate all the things without the ex that it seems like such a dismal thought to invite it back into my life.
It’s a great question, I hope others share.
Serenity,
In answer to your question about goals. Before I left I knew that I would have to support myself. I taught for 22 years and pulled all of my retirement out to start a business with my husband. It didn’t work and now I’m left with just a little pension and no money. He didn’t care. But I have always wanted to teach others to read, and I am finishing up a reading certificate in the Wilson Reading Program. My goal is to teach reading and I am plugging on. However, it has been hard to stay focused on my goal, but this is really keeping me focused. (In between meltdowns). It’s funny I do not want a social life right now. That might change later though. This site has really helped me a LOT.
When my ex first left me i stupidly gave myself a month before i thought i would be over it. D’oh.
Its been nearly three now and i really have a sense that im not that far down the road yet. All these issues that being left behind throw up – there is just so much to process and get your head around
Greenroses – six months sounds like a good starting place.
All i want at the moment is to be far enough down the road, away from my ex that i can honestly say that i would not take him back. In order to do that i really need to detach, spend time with my anger and carry on doing this work.
This journey is long and painful but im hoping the last stop is amazing, it will have to be to make all this worth it.
Hint of Red x
And, as cat described it, ironically that often seems to happen: At the point when you would be ready to have contact again (or be “friends”, however that is defined) you may actually no longer want it.
Is it ok to take medication when getting over a breakup, or does that slow the process. I just want to get over these feelings. I know what is happening. I felt so good for the first 2 months afther I left, then this third month I feel terrible, I think I’m forgetting how bad it was toward the end, and am going back in my mind to a happer time, and am longing for that, before he changed mentally. So I’m wondering if medication may not be a bad idea for a while?
Dottie: if you need medication, you should take medication.
The “going back to a happier time” is a normal part of the process. Doing the Relationship Inventory will help you with your perspective about things. You’re not going to “feel better” going off medication (I assume you mean anti-depressants?)
Speak to your doctor and therapist about your medication. No one here should try to advise you on that.
Dottie,
The reading certificate sounds good. Have you looked at perhaps working at an adult school? They often have openings for instructors to teach the GRE, reading, etc. And I do not know if this interests you, but I think reading specialists for elementary schools are often in demand. That’s a 2-year master’s program.
I understand about the social thing. But know that meetup has a lot of women-only groups on it too :)
Jenny,
Some factors to consider in the getting-over-it timeline are also what “stuff” the relationship/breakup raked up, how much grief and unresolved issues the person is carrying, how NC the person gets early in the game, what kind of work the person does, what kind of support the person can call on, what kind of mental resilience strategies the person has already developed (such as the ability to re-frame bad events and reclaim them as opportunities), health issues, sleep issues, work issues, how proximal and willing-to-leave-you-alone the x is, how nasty the breakup was, if there are children/pets involved (sounds strange, but I know x’s who share custody of a dog- and it is detrimental), luck, economics, and one’s ability to accept reality.
Phew. I didn’t start feeling much better until recently. 10 months. But there were steps all along the way. I have to put in my two cents for moving far away from the x. If it serves your purpose and you can, you still bring yourself and your issues, but…The environment is different.
My Ex (45) left me (47) after 3 years while away working in another state for 4 weeks. She jumped directly into a rebound type relationship with a man 10 years older than us married with 3 kids! His wife is moving out and my ex gf seems full steam with this guy. I feel like my legs were kicked out from under me and have been dealing with pretty sever depression, sleep disorders and bad dreams. I pushed kind of hard with letters and emails about the dangers of her behaviour and my feelings to heal. It has come to her telling me NC and me retreating into a shell of hurt. Part of my issue seems to be that I can see her being so used as a tool in this mans divorce that some big heartache is coming her way. I would welcome reconciliation if it means her dealing with her past and bad childhood, and us getting back on track with our life together. has anyone seen these instant rebounds end and have the ex regret and Come HOME?
Kanelio,
I know you care for her. However you need to start focusing on you and what you need to do to heal. She has asked for NC and you need to honor her request. Please read Susan’ various posts on healing.
My ex did come back but neither of us had done the work we needed to do for a healthy relationship and 7 months later he left again. It hurts as much the second time as the first and maybe even more.
Do your work. Focus on you and I wish you the best.
The no contact rule was/still is really hard for me. We met on wow and started dating after 6 months of knowing eachother, we dated for 9 months. We never met in real life but I really bonded with him. He told me everything about himself about how he dropped out of high school, lost all his real life friends and has problems with ADD and depression.
I guess I wanted to “save” him from it but in the end all i could do was talk to him and led a ear, I was helpless to improve his life. In the beginning he only could stand talking to me for 10 minutes and never remembered to call but in the end we could talk for hours and he would call everyday, improvement. His emails were very well written for a high school dropout, they were sometimes heart touching, sometimes would make me laugh and happy, sometimes depressing sometimes so depressing it would make me cry.
I am truely his one and only friend. He has no one else other than his family and they aren’t that great. He was addicted to WoW but quit without relapsing.
I felt like without me he would hurt himself or worst, he really has no one else. It would be all my fault if i pulled away and he hurt himself. How could I live with the guilt?
Any advice?
Nicole,
what is WoW? And, do I get it right, you never saw each other in real life?
If so, I guess this was some sort of virtual connection. It is easy to interpret and imagine all kinds of things when you don’t *really* see and get to know each other.
But, regardless of that: It does not strike me as a healthy bond. Noone can “save” another person. Do you see yourself as some kind of therapist for this guy?
Bad idea.
I really wish I had your advice when I was going though my break up in 2004. After dating a guy for 6 years, he proposed to me then told me he was cheating on me. Being blind sided by the confusing news I think I broke every rule listed here and it took me almost a year to figure things out on my own.
I come to this site now because I almost slipped up after not talking or finding information about my ex in just over a year. I just recently signed up on a connection website and ran across a picture of him with the girl he cheated on me with and a little baby. This very random picture really got to me and it drove my emotions back to the feelings I had during my 6 month depression after the break up.
I now get down thinking about all the mistakes I made then. I wish so much that I was stronger and wish I could take back my actions. I try so hard to not make mistakes now. I did not contact my ex on the site I found his picture thankfully, so I am learning from my mistakes. I do wonder sometimes if there will ever be a time I can talk to him again and not have these hurtful feelings.
Finding this site helps me a lot, and I now have many friends to talk to and places to go. I am keeping myself busy as much as I can and I cry in the closet still for what happened so long ago.
It was wonderful. On Tuesday, I went to the lawyer to sign divorce papers. It wasn’t as bad as I thought, in fact it was a relief. I could finally start to put the past 34 years behind me. I have been following the nc rule and it has helped soooo much. I hadn’t seen my soon to be ex for 2 months and haven’t spoken to him for more than a month. Low and behold I saw him in Wal Mart and we passed, I looked right through him. I wasn’t going to say “Hi” that would have been a greeting, so I told myself, he didn’t exist. I did not feel upset, or anything at all. It felt good too, not feeling bad. I’m making gains. It was funny that I would see him on the day that I filed for divorce. That night I went to the fair and saw a horse like the one that I left behind. I cried! Then I laughed that I would cry over seeing a horse and not my ex!
Dottie,
Congrats! You made me laugh with your last sentence. Best of luck with this process.
Dottie,
I think that sometimes we cry in *other* moments (like you when you saw the horse) as kind of a substitute for the pain we are feeling. Your pain sounds powerful though in a positive sense, in a *conquering* sense, and it is so wonderful that you could feel all this relief. I am glad NC has been so helpful to you and pat yourself on your back for the progress you are making. And remember, it is more a “cycle”, so the difficult feelings tend to come back (and then go away again), this is actually an insight I gained from the book “Finding your own North Star”, where the whole process of re-organization is described as a cycle, so it makes more sense to me now, when I find myself disoriented again after 4,5 months and then feeling better again and so on, until I will truly come out on the ‘other’ side, or define myself and my life in a new and more truthful manner.
Greenroses,
I do know what you mean about pain substitution, and believe me I have done that. But in this instance I truly did miss my horse and my other animals. I guess I was crying, because I don’t know if I am going to get my farm back. The courts will have to decide. And that uncertainty probably was the reason for the tears. But it was the farm I wanted back, not my husband. This site has helped me more than anything else, see my ex for who he really is and to get on with my life. Everyone who posts has something to say, and believe me I listen. I do cycle as feelings do come and go. I will have to read the book, “Finding your own North Star.” I do know that I have to define myself and my life, as you say in “a new and more truthful manner.” That process sounds exciting. I have lied to myself for a long time that my husband loved me, and that he just didn’t know how to show it. In reality I was an “it” to him.
Dottie,
It’s very empowering knowing you’re doing the right thing, isn’t it? By signing papers, you are coming to conclusions and closure. A giant step closer. When I got divorced I missed my house. I missed holidays together as a family, but I didn’t miss him. Once I FINALLY made that decision I only questioned it once, for a second, then he said something that brought me back to my senses and it’s been that way ever since. But, still, like the horse, I missed that I had to go through that “change”. I had to get rid of our dog and cats because I had to move 3 small children into a small apartment that didn’t allow pets. I cried and cried over those animals. I will never forget having to drop them off. I was mad that I had to give them up. I was mad that “he” put me in that situation that I had to pull my children’s pets away. But I know they went to good homes and soon the pain subsided. One step forward, two steps back. I think I did that for a few years before I was going forward more than backwards.
Greenroses – I love that you give us so many resources (posts, books). I always write them down for future reference!
Lisa in the Midwest,
You said exactly how I feel. it’s the “change” that makes things more difficult to deal with. It is more comforting each day to know that I will not wake up to a new day with my”ex”, not knowing what unhappy thing was in store for me each and every day. I say, “neigh”.
P.s. Greenroses I bought the book, “Finding your own North Star”. I can’t wait to read it.
Thanks all! You are all much better than therapy, (which I couldn’t afford anyway.)
I think I am in dire need of more advice, due to the fact that it has been 6 months since the break up and I am still emotionally torn up. I recently started school again (college), and I don’t want to be there. I live in a small town and almost everywhere I go is a reminder of my ex. I am very concerned about myself because I don’t want to do anything.
When he broke up with me, he never once said he no longer loved me, it was always something like, “you need someone better…” The entire situation ended on a bad note because he decided to go on a two month break. Feeling as though my life was on “pause,” I made several attempts to get a hold of him but he always hid from me. I never recieved my “closure.” I never got any explanation. I was able to pull theough the entire thing because I felt okay. He was always on my mind but I was okay with my life. About a month ago I saw him, I approached him and greeted him. I asked if we could be friends. He said yes and even hugged me twice. After that, I finally called him. and he agreed to be friends still. However, whenever I call him he never answers. I leave messages, I thought would help in keeping it “normal,” but he never calls back. All of this has caused me to break down again, but this time it hurts more. I still love him, but it’s obvious he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t know what to do because I keep thinking that what if he still loves me too. He only ignores me because he doesnt wantto hurt me again? I’m very lost.
It may have been six months but you haven’t done the work to move on. You don’t need him for closure and you probably shouldn’t be friends. When you decide to end it emotionally, you will be able to move on and get past your depression, but you have to forget about being friends and decide to do the grief work and move on.
Rose,
Read everything you can find on this website on the following topics (and more!). It will give you some insight into why some of the things you’ve been trying to do aren’t helping you feel better:
No Contact
When the person you love doesn’t love you
On being friends with the ex
Breakup no-no list
On closure
There’s more, but it’s a start.
This post has hyperlinks to the top posts of the past month and of all time:
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/08/03/top-posts-july-1-august-1-and-of-all-time/
I started dating my best friend of 2 years a year and a half a ago. We just broke up sunday night. We had a near perfect relationship but 2 months ago we had a conversation that nearly made us break up. We had always discussed getting married, having children, and building a life together. But then 2 months he told me that he had never wanted kids until we were together and the more he thinks about it the more he thinks he doesn’t want kids. He is very career driven and wants to be a lawyer and go to a top 5 law school (which he is more than capable of doing, he’s very smart). Anyways, he’s always said he wants to move to the east coast for life. He used to live there and does not like so cal. He always wanted me to go with him but the other problem is that I’m extremely saddened by the thought of leaving my family. When we talked about this we realized we had some serious issues and that we should possibly break up because we might not be able to always be together. We ended up staying together because we were both so in love with each other and didn’t see the point to breaking up when we’re so young (we’re both 20) and our plans weren’t set in stone. Although, ever since that conversation our relationship was tainted. I think we both realized that love might not be enough. I started to think a break up was inevitable. My heart was already breaking. I was trying to prepare myself for it while trying to maintain the relationship. Maintaining the relationship was not difficult though. Even after the conversation we were still happy and there wasn’t any fighting. That’s how it has always been. But then sunday night i discovered through text messages that he had intentions to break up with me. When I confronted him about it he wouldn’t really talk to me and then he started crying. He told me he hadn’t decided to break up with me and that he had just been thinking about it because our relationship had been tainted and he wasn’t very optimistic that we’d end up together. And then he proceded to tell me that he didn’t think he would have ever done it and that he really thought we could have ended up together. But he said now that I saw those messages we had to break up because things would never be the same and I agreed. I couldn’t go on after that. We cried a lot and just held each other saying how much we loved the other one and that it wouldn’t change. When we were really saying goodbye and he was going to leave he suddenly said,”wait.” He just paused and said “this feels wrong” and he asked me if i thought it felt wrong. I told him i didn’t know and the i was just silent. Then after about a minute he got up and said “I’ll just leave then.” After that I told him I didn’t know what he wanted me to say because he had been the one with a “plan” to break up with me. He said I was right but it really hurts a lot. Then we had a very tearful goodbye.
We decided to be friends because we were such great friends before. This is something we both want. And we also agreed that we didn’t need any time apart from each other. Some might say this is stupid but it works for us. He invited me over last night and it was sad at first but not too painful because I know we’re going to be even closer friends than we were before and also because he’ll always be in my life. We did end up sleeping together last night but I don’t think it was a mistake. When he initiated it he stopped because he said he thought i was uncomfortable. I wasnt uncomfortable and I could have easily stopped it but I wanted to know something that could have only been confirmed by sleeping with him. During I wasn’t sad thinking that it would be the last time even though I knew it was. I think its because I slowly fell out of love because of that conversation that almost broke us up. I’m of course sad that the relationship is ending but we’ll have a great friendship. I cry occassionally when i think really hard about it but there are things about him that I know are bad for me too. But only if we were dating which we no longer are. I’m not hoping for a reconciliation and I can honestly say I don’t want one. I’m sad and I miss him a lot but like I said before, we’ll get over each other by spending time together not as a couple. Love wasn’t enough for us and I know we can’t be together.
The only thing that scares me is the thought of seeing him with someone else. Even when I am over him I know that will still make me sad. I just hope it’ll be a month or two down the line and I’ll be healing a lot more by then. Even if I wanted to avoid seeing him with other girls though I couldn’t. We have a lot of very close mutual friends that neither of us are willing to cut out of our lives so this is something I will have to deal with no matter what. ‘m hanging out with him this friday and it’ll be our first step into friendship. I don’t really have a question but I needed to vent and I guess maybe hear some feedback about the situation….
Hi everyone,
It’s been a year since I last posted about my breakup. I can’t belive the amount of healing that I went through and being in a better and happier place. Everything is going well and I have kept my no contact rule since my breakup. Now, after one year, I get an e-mail today from her, telling me she broke up with her boyfriend and has been thinking about me a lot and felt bad how things ended. ( she more or less kicked me to the curb ) So, my question to Susan and all of you is….what should the proper response be ? Or should I respond to her email ? Thank you in advance for all of your answers – Jay
Jay,
I don’t know your story, but my gut says: is she kidding?
If she kicked you to the curb, I would not respond. She seems to come back after (and only because?) the other relationship ended. Bad, bad style.
Btw, it’s good to hear that you are doing so much better since the breakup!
Jay:
I’m new to this blog and still fresh off a break-up, but I have to agree with Greenroses – is this girl kidding?! I recommend keeping NC and not looking back – and I just can’t see what good could come from it.
All over the blog I read gems of information – truths if you will – and the one that immediately springs to mind is the “One” will not leave you or treat you badly – and in my book, she did BOTH by kicking you to the curb. You deserve so much better than that :)
Plus, as demonstrated by your own choice of words – “I can’t believe the amount of healing that I went through and being in a better and happier place” – you’ve come so far, so why would you jeopardize all the wonderful work you’ve done to go back to something that never really worked in the first place? After all, they call it a break-up because it is broken…
Again, you deserve MUCH better. You deserve someone who recognizes how AMAZING you are from the get-go that they would NEVER even imagine thinking of kicking you to the curb :)
Greenroses thanks for sharing your thoughts..yes, she comes back after kicking me to the curb. My parents, her parents and my friends where pretty agahst with what she did.
.. Smiling angel…wow… your words of wisdom touched my heart. I did do a lot of work and know exactly what I want. It’s funny cause I’ve gone out on a lot of dates and each time I learn more about myself.
My struggle here about responding to her letter is largely due to my religion as I truly want to practice compassion.
If there’s anything, I will not let anyone rent space in my thoughts especially when I am only an option in thier lives.
Be blessed the both you :)
You’re so welcome Jay :)
Though I know it is tempting to see responding as being compassionate to her, I’d like to suggest you be MORE compassionate with yourself.
You don’t owe her a thing. Instead, you can silently wish her the best and continue to move forward in your own life. After all, she gave up the HONOR of having you in her life a year ago.
Also, you are NOT the only option in your ex’s life. Just like you, SHE has choices too. And for whatever reason, she is CHOOSING to not do what she needs to do for herself.
I mean, come on – how selfish is it for her to assume that after she dumped you that YOU would somehow find a way to make it better for her when her next relationship failed?! That’s definitely NOT your job. After all, YOU’VE done all the hard work that it takes to heal from a break-up.
And this may or may not help with the space being rented in your head about responding to her out of compassion. As long as we try to cushion the fall for those whose choices/behaviors have put them in an uncomfortable place, we are helping to rob them of the opportunity to change. So in my mind, sometimes letting the people we care about “fall” is the most compassionate thing we can do.
Again, just my two cents, so take it for what it is worth – and keep being good to YOU :)
It has been over two weeks since my boyfriend of 8 years and I broke up. It has absolutely been devastating to me–we had lived together for a few months and things were PERFECT. We talked of marriage, our future…etc.
One day, he woke up and felt that his youth was slipping…he felt scared at the thought of a commitment such as marriage–”for the rest of your life”. He said he loved me, but he just wasn’t sure what he wanted from his life–so we broke up and I moved out. Since then he has lost 30 lbs, got new wardrobe, has been going out drinking with his buddies every weekend–trying to “regain his youth”.
We had spoken sparingly since–he says there is nothing that scares him more than to lose me forever, but he doesn’t think it’s fair for me to wait for him until he “figures his life out”. Being that he felt he and I grew up together–he thinks time apart will allow us to reflect on ourselves, find out what we want for ourselves (not “us”)…and come back and have more to offer one another.
I ask myself every day–with all the billions and trillions of people in this world…why did I end up with a man who was scared of commitment? Every day I tell myself “it is over”…but a part of me will always be hopeful. I love this man very much–we fit together like a glove…mostly due to the fact that we grew into each other…I fear I won’t easily find that compatibility with anybody and may be hard for any man to live with a standard like that.
I am taking it day by day–and although I am still grieving…it certainly gets easier as time goes by. Time heals it all, and whether or not we will get back together or not–only time will tell. In the meantime, I will focus on myself…because no recurring thoughts of the past is going to control the future. When the time comes that he wakes up and realizes what he had lost–I pray to God that it isn’t too late…but tomorrow is one step closer for me to completely let go.
Ruby:
Tomorrow is also one stepper closer to you creating the life you want with someone who will truly love you. And by love I mean the “Love is an action” kind of love.
Be gentle with yourself and remember that the “one” would never leave you. They will know what they have in a life within and protect & nurture it every single day.
Just because your ex is not that person, does NOT mean you are not worth it or lovable or enough or whatever. It just means he isn’t the “one”. Plain and simple (though not any less painful, sorry).
Now YOU have the OPPORTUNITY before you to DECIDE what it is YOU WANT – without having to compromise for less than what you deserve. The choice is yours.
If you do your grief work – get support, journal, complete your relationship and life inventories Susan has on this site, do affirmation work, read the posts on this site and other uplifting self-affirming sites/books, and remember to be gentle with yourself – there is a life and LOVE better than you could have never imagine just waiting for you to claim them :)
Lots of hugs,
SmilingAngel
Hey everyone…
Just a quick update on what transpired within 24 hours. So, I wrote back to my ex , being cordial and understanding while keeping the e-mail really short. She shoots me back an e-mail implying that she has no intention to get back with me…just that she thought of me since she just broken up with her boyfriend and how things ended with us a year ago. Am I on crack or is this a nut case ? If you ask me, she contact me simply because she wanted to get back with me ( which ain’t going to happen ….yay Susan !!! ) Any comments on the motives ?
Just to get you again, like they always do. To see if you’re waiting. To get you to react. This is why NC is so important. One minor contact like this can bring up old resentments and set you backwards second guessing things. I’ve known people that have done great for a long time over a bad relationship and thought they were safe and then, boom, one contact, one sight, one reminder and it’s like a trigger from the past. Hopefully you have done enough work and are beyond her capabilities of affecting you. Who cares about her motives anyways, right? Doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter. :)
Chalk it up to…my bad, whatever…
Ruby – SmilingAngel is right. As long as you continue to hold on, you are closing doors on other opportunities that might come your way. I did this dance with someone I considered to be my best friend for 7 years. Lived together, lived apart, lived together, lived apart. I just thought we’d grow old together. Until one day I realized that how was I ever going to find out if there was someone else out there for me unless I let go of this one? And until you do…you’ll never know. I guarantee you there is someone else out there that will love you the way YOU want and need to be loved. Let go of the past and find your future! Good luck.
Jay:
I agree with Ruby on this one…
Your ex’s motives = “It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter!”
All that matters is that by YOUR OWN WORDS you’ve come so far – “I can’t believe the amount of healing that I went through and being in a better and happier place” – so PLEASE DO NOT DISCOUNT THAT FACT.
This break in NC does NOT mean you lost all the healing you went through. It just means you had a little more learning to do before you could move forward – that’s all, nothing more, nothing less.
So chalk it up to a learning experience and kick this experience out of the part of your brain that its renting space from. Instead, put the FOCUS BACK ON YOU and WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU. Allow something more HEALTHY and JOY-FILLED take up residency in your head and HEART.
YOU DESERVE that and SO MUCH MORE :)
Hugs,
SmilingAngel
Jay:
I am not sure if you read my post on the previous checkin thread from yesterday. I broke NC after 6 months however it did not diminish my healing – it reinforced all the learning and work I have done for myself for the last 6 months. I guess it depends on where your at in your process, I think emotional detachment is the key, it is liberating. I know that I am unable to do this without submitting to a Higher Power in my case – my Chrisitian belief.
I would like to share this as it resonates with me:
“We need to learn to thank the Lord for closed doors just as much
As we do for open doors. The reason God closes doors is because He has
Not prepared anything over there for us.
If he didn’t close the wrong door we would never find our way to
The right door. Even when we don’t realize it, God directs our paths
Through the closing and opening of doors . When one door closes, it
Forces us to change our course. Another door closes; it forces us to change
Our course yet again.
Then finally, we find the open door and walk right into our
Blessing. But instead of praising God for the closed door (which kept us
Out of trouble), we get upset because we ‘judge by the appearances.’
And in our own arrogance, or ignorance, we insist that we know what is
Right.
We have a very present help in the time of need that is always
Standing guard. Because He walks ahead of us, He can see trouble down the
Road and HE sets up road blocks and detours accordingly. But through
Our lack of wisdom we try to tear down the roadblocks or push aside the
Detour signs.
Then the minute we get into trouble, we start crying.
‘Lord how could this happen to me?’
We have got to realize that the closed door was a blessing.
Didn’t He say that ‘No good thing will He withhold from them that love Him?’
If you get terminated from your job – don’t be down, instead
Thank God for the new opportunities that will manifest themselves – it
Might be a better job, or an opportunity to go to school. If that man or
Woman won’t return your call – it might not be them, it might be the
Lord setting up a roadblock (just let it go).
One time a person had a bank he had been doing business with for
Many years tell him ‘NO’ for a $10,000 loan. The Lord led him to call
Another bank.
That bank approved a $40,000 loan for him at a lower interest
Rate than his own bank had advertised.
I’m so grateful, for the many times God has closed doors to me,
Just to open them in the most unexpected places. ‘The steps of a good
Man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way.’ (Psalms 37:23)
The Mountain top is glorious, but it is in the Valley that I will
Grow!
Always Remember God gives you…
Enough Happiness to keep you Sweet
Enough Trials to keep you Strong
Enough Sorrows to keep you Human
Enough Hope to keep you Happy
Enough Failure to keep you Humble
Enough Success to keep you Eager
Enough Friends to give you Comfort
Enough Wealth to meet your Needs
Enough Enthusiasm to make you look forward
Enough Faith to banish depression, and
Enough Determination to make each day a better
Day than the last.
Life must be lived forward but can only be understood backwards.”
Faith
Thank you Faith, I needed to hear just that this evening.
I am crazy in the head. I’ve read the articles and poured over the blogs…I am crazy and obviously not following the right path. How is it that loving someone can turn some of us into raging lunnies? Oy vey!!
My husband cheated and fell in love during a deployment. While he was home on leave I found out and a month after returning overseas he sent me a “Dear John” e-mail. He is now back from deployment and all I want to do is seek revenge, rant, scream and guilt trip the crap out of him. I still love him! WHY????? He has been having the affair for an entire year. My head is such a mess.
I am obviously NOT following the rules and need to get my mental house in order. If I could just stay mad and pull up my big b_ _ _h panties maybe I would do better.
I am grieving but can’t seem to stop some of these behaviors….we have a child so I have to see him. I wish I could move to the other end of the earth.
Eva
Eva, you are not a looney at all. What has happened is awful and im sure your head will be all over the place for a while yet. Try not to give yourself a hard time, keep reading. It’ll sink in.
Be kind to you x
I was wondering how I can move on with my life and maintain a relationship with my children. I am in abject fear of my former spouse, not her personally but what she does. Especially through the legal system, I am constantly accused of doing something from sexual abuse and unnatural things to the children. The plethora of accusations each cost me thousands of dollars to defend, in time resources and legal fees. It never ends, and now the children aged 4 and 5 are slowly no longer wanting to see me, or when they do mimick behaviour that is age inappropriate and very condescending. I do turn up to collect them if they are available, and find that the support level is non existent to adverserial to complain about if the are not available. In fact the children would appear to have the same power as my former spouse, threatening to call the police if I don’t do what they want. It is degrading but I got used to that as an old school thinker of marriage was for life, and the behaviour of my former spouse. As far as I am concerned she moved in with her boyfriend and subsequently married him and has all her needs taken care of financially. Yet I feel so abused and oppressed by this scenario, it is not even funny anymore and affecting my health. How do I move on, or do I just grin and bear it.
Faith, thanks alot for your post. I’m sure it helped.
Eva…I understand what you’re going through. I wish there was some switch in my brain that I could turn off and cut my thoughts about the ex…. offlate I’ve been constantly thinking about him and he’s moved on long time ago :(
AndrewEss–I’m sorry to hear about your situation, it must feel awful especially with your kids involved. I’m not much help with advise now as I’m going through my own mess, but I just wanted to let you know that I hope you feel better or things get better for you.
Here’s what I’m telling myself tonight:
1. Any man who gave me cause to question my essential goodness as a person, who deliberately kept me off-balance, insecure, and destabilized DOES NOT LOVE ME.
2. Any man who has been gifted with the privilege of a place in my life, who has seen evidence upon evidence and proof upon proof that I am an amazing human being of exceptional depth and passion, character and grace – any such man who then is capable of looking me straight in my face and accusing me of being a ‘lying wh*re’ and ‘unworthy’ and ‘untrustworthy’ – IS LYING. I know who and what I am. Therefore I know he’s lying. And so does he. He’s just hoping that if he screams it loud enough, furiously enough, enough times – it will make it NOT a lie. Then he will not have to face the actual truth: that he is a bad person. That he has done, and wishes to continue to do, wrong. That he has destroyed something rare and precious and for no damn good reason. And if he has to sacrifice my heart, my sanity, my innocence, my trust, in order to avoid feeling shame – then slaughtering me is exactly what he’ll do.
3. Any man who truly is suffering over the wrongs he did to me will not even consider trying to win me back without evidence that he means business. He will show up with PROOF of change. There will be no “I can change”. There will be, “you have every reason to slam the door in my face, here is what I have done to guarantee to you that I am doing whatever it takes.” Period.
4. Any man who grasps what a treasure I am will move heaven, hell, and earth to win me back. He will suffer any humiliation, risk any threat of rejection, he will do absolutely any and everything he can possibly think of to win me if I give him the slightest reason to think there is even a remote chance for success. Because he will know that when he had me – I did nothing less than that. Not out of weakness. From strength. The same place I was in when I accepted his right to refuse love.
These thoughts help. They give me strength. They remind me there is no decision left to make. Other than to accept reality.
Thank you gambaru
I needed this and have printed it out and put it on my wall.
My girlfriend of 9 years broke it off over 5 weeks ago. We own 2 homes together, and we still live in the home we are about to put on the market. In a few weeks she will be moving to start a new job in antoher state. Needless to say, I’m crushed. Each day I wake up, it feels like I’ve been in a new car accident. I can barely focus on my job, I don’t work out, I’m in such physical and emotional pain. She even says things like, “I may be making the biggest mistake in my life, only time will tell” “We’ve had a great family, a great life, you’re a great person…I just need to be free” “You’re a great companion, I want to be friends”
I am not trying to hold on to her, I will/have let her go. It just makes me so angry that someone can just pick up and walk away like that; knowing I’m probably the best thing she’s ever had or will have. I have my faults, but we had a pretty solid relationship–we complimented each other well, no huge arguments, altough we would disagree on certain issues we were always respectful of one another and had our own outside interests, so we weren’t co-dependent upon one another. She wants to be friends once she moves, I’m thinking to myself–what could we possibly talk about??? I’m so sick, I feel like I’m going to die….
We don’t talk on the phone or text during the day. We do talk business (regarding estate issues). I am having such a difficult time processing it all, she’s so cavalier about it all….moving to a new city with a great job, new life (we share many friends in the city she is moving to, now I will have to let those friends go too, which is very sad). I am angry that she gets to just pick up the peices and walk away into the sunset with her new happy life.
I cry EVERYDAY and obsess over everything–good and bad about her/us. I feel like I’m going to go crazy. I journal, I see a therapist…I’m a wreck. Not sure what else to do, I’m afraid for myself, even after reading what others have been going through. She has been the love of my life whom I thought I was going to retire and travel the world with (which we’ve been doing throughout our relationship), I’m in my mid 30’s and just appauled by all of this….
How do you get over something that wasn’t bad?? I know I have no choice, but how do you do it????
susangpyp,
I read here somewhere about the importance of not only the NC rule, but also to be alone and to learn to be okay with being alone.
My boyfriend broke up with me in late june. For months I kept calling and looking for him and pretty much begging… Now I look back and I feel totally humiliated.. I just didn’t want to accept it. It ’s been almost 2 weeks now that I haven’t called or txted or anything. I know it’s not much, but BELIEVE me, it is huge to me.
I am still in the same pain though.. I don’t feel much has changed inside me. I am still confused, hurt, upset… We had this wonderful , loving relationship and although he’s tried to reach out about us needing to work on the relationship since last year ( I didn’t understand it back then), it still feels unbelieable to me that we are no longer a couple… One that used to be in love.. Now, he is even with someone else, just a few weeks we broke up.
So I have 3 questions: How do I convince myself it just wasn’t meant to be (he himself has tried and tried, now that I look back)?
How do I tell myself that I will be okay, and that the mistakes I MADE in the past will not compromise yet another relationship?? I am just terrified that noone will put up with certain traits of my personality (like being dependent and somewhat needy)?.. No one can change completely, it doesn’t matter how hard you try..
And lastly, I feel that because he is already with another girl, I should be too.. I feel that me showing him that I am with someone else, I am getting over him and in a way that helps me get my self esteem back. I just feel so bad that I pursued him for so long, and his friends knew, his family,,, I just feel horrible about that… But I am SOO far away from being ready to be in a relationship.. All I do is compare people to him, it makes me miss him even more.. Also, part of the problem was me not being independent and deciding things for myself,,, so I know it is importnat I don’t date for a while..
Can you please advise??
Thank you so much for your help!! I feel no one can put up with me anymore. They’ve all had it with the break up questions. Your website was really helpful!
Linda,
Reading your post, I saw me as I am and how I used to be. Your description fits me perfectly. I pretty much did the same thing with the constant calling and e-mailing. I had this uncontrollable urge to find him. On Monday, I will be one month “NC”. This is the longest I have gone since my breakup on November 30, 2007. For a LONG LONG time, I just couldn’t get it and maybe at the same time, I didn’t want to. Yet, I never stopped. For me too, the NC to date is like my biggest accomplishment. I’m scared that today or tomorrow I can break it like that. Many times, as I began to reflect, I have felt humiliated about my actions and promised myself I would stop. I didn’t though until September 6th of this year or 10 months later. Looking back however, I don’t feel as humiliated as I once did. I’m sure part of this is the “NC”, but I also believe that the other part is because I valued my relationship with him, more so than he did with me. I fought for what I believed in and did my best to retain what I once thought was mine. Right or wrong, I did my best. I was always honest with him and I gave it my all. I can look back now and despite the constant humiliation, not regret my actions. I loved him and I showed him the best way I knew how. Some day, my love will be appreciated and respected by the right person. Under the “Does Anyone Miss Me” (#81) Topic, “Stronger” had posted “A therapist friend shared with me that those who love the most, unfortunately tend to hurt the most too.” When I think of this, I don’t regret the person I was. I was a good person and I still am. Don’t allow how you feel right now take away the good qualities you have within yourself. You may not see them, but they are there. Focus on you and don’t allow him to take away the person that you are and were meant to be. As you rebuild your confidence in yourself, everything will fall back into place. I promise you that. Unfortunately, it’s a process that takes time and everyone’s time table is different. Don’t worry about dating someone else because he is already dating. Find your inner self and get to know yourself first. It will be a full year for me at the end of November and up until now, I knew I wasn’t ready to begin dating again. I still don’t know for sure, but I’m not against trying it at this point either! I think when you are ready, you will know it. Hopefully, it won’t take you as long as it has me. But in the event it does, so what! As Susan and everyone else here says “Be Good To You”! Be proud of yourself and who you are. “Stronger” also said in her post that she loves her “capacity to love so much” and that she wishes two things for herself “that we can love ourselves as much as we love others, (first, actually!), and that we find partners who either love this much or appreciate, admire and value this quality in us.” When I read that, I realized that I too appreciate my “capacity to love so much” and that first and foremost, I need to love myself. You can find Susan’s Topic “Does Anyone Miss Me” here I believe –
“http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/01/11/does-anybody-miss-me”
Stronger,
I know I said a lot of the same thing as you said, but I only did so with gratitude with respect. I saved that post and to this day, I constantly refer to it. It has helped me tremendously and today, I’m proud of the qualities I possess and my ability to love so much. Sure, I may be seen as needy and lacking in self respect by someone else. I say this because I’ve been told this, but on the inside, I’m proud of the person I was and am. My ex can never say I wasn’t there for him or good to him because deep down inside, we both know (him and I) what I did. Today, that’s good enough for me.
Five years later, and I still think about my ex every day. I’ve had zero contact with her, but my heart still aches. Not only did I lose her, but friends we shared, pets we owned. I barely know anyone anymore.
Willpower,
There isn’t a day that goes by that something does not remind me of my ex too. Whether I’m at the store, making dinner or simply driving to or from work, I’m flooded with thoughts throughout the day. I will say though that while it’s still everyday, it’s no longer constant and there are short periods where I temporarily forgot about him. What helped greatly is my journaling. When I’m able to put my thoughts on paper, it seems I’m ready to go onto the next thing. I started walking and even a little running over the summer which allows me to focus more on the present day and my surroundings. It does not mean, he may not come to mind, but at the same time, he fades out as quickly as he fades in. Piano lessens (especially especially at my age) keeps me focused on practicing and learning the keyboard. I don’t have many friends and choose not to associate with the friends my ex and I once shared, but the few friends I have are really special. I make it a point to do something with them once a week, even if I’m not in a great mood. These are things that have helped me, in addition to coming to this site everyday. I hope one day soon, you will find it easier. As Susan says on many of her topics, “it will happen when you least expect it”. I believe that. Good luck and I hope today is a good day for you.
Hi. I read this article the first time yesterday. And I am ashamed to say I have already done all the no-no’s so many times, I am embaressed to admit to it.
I guess my problems started with my childhood. My parents were mentally abusive and severly neglectful which left my siblings and I open to predators. I was the oldest and as such accepted the worst to protect my sis and bro. Needless to say, I have very strong trust issues with anyone. I almost trust no one, including said bro and sis.
In ‘93 I met a man who I sort of became friends with. He wanted to date me, but he came on too strong and scared me off. We worked together so we remained friendly. And he never stopped trying to win my heart. For five years. Finally he wore me down. I just knew this was the man for me. I could trust him, becuase surely any man that waited for a woman that long must really love her. Before I even gave the slightest inclination I was into him back, I had commited myself to him.
It turned out to be a mistake. With in months the problems started. His childhood was nearly as terrible as mine, and he has issues also. His answer to every problem is to turn tail and leave. So we have had an off again on again relationship for 10 years.
And to make matters worse, we had children together. He has had other relationships during the off times. I have remained loyal to only him, feeling as if he is the only one to be trusted. I know in my head, I cant trust him. I KNOW. But i cant seem to turn that off.
None of his relationships have been very serious, and he does not keep in touch with any of them. He has always come back to me.
In the last year he was deployed 9 months. Right before he left, he left me for some stupid reason. And started yet anouther relationship. And moved her to our town while he was gone. He got back last month,they moved in together and of course things are not going great with them.
He says he wants to be friends with me. I treid but it hurts too much. But yet I get stupid because he is the only person I trust myself to be me with. And seek him out. I told him we cant be friends, just parents but then as soon as I am no longer angry, my resolve fades.
I dont have insurance, so I the only councilor I can afford is students doing residencey. I appreciate their help, but really I need more help than they can give, or have given anyway. I have also been to ala non, and really found that no help as the wives of alcoholics mostly treated me as if being the child of alcoholic drug users was nothing compared to what they go through.
I read your list yesterday for the first time. I want to be healthy. If you have anything you think can help me, I sure would appreciate it.
so my ex and i broke up a week ago, and im hurting. we were together for almost two years. our relationship blossomed from the very beginning after our first date. we hung out all the time and quickly formed that bond with one another. he became my best friend. well over the past year i had started to gain back my depression, that comes and gos, ive had it for like 10 years. well i didnt seek help when it first came back, i thought it would pass and things would be fine. well it didnt. things got worse when my ex was having to deal with all of the qualities of a person who has depression; negativity, not wanting to do anything, insecurities, etc. it really took a toll on him and on our relationship. i actually dont even know if back then i knew reallly how severe my depression was, its easier to identify it after the fact. so he had basically had enough. which kills me because i know that had i been on medication things wouldve been different. i wouldve been a ‘whole’ person, and wouldve been able to offer a lot more to my relationship. well i got on my medicine the day we broke up and i asked him if it would be possible to get back together since i would soon be in a healthier state of mind. that didnt work. he said we were not gonna get back together. and it crushed me. i felt sick. i feel like i blew it. i think thats why im having such a hard time, moreso than him because i am putting blame on myself. i know that when its time to move on, ill have taken the blame off of myself, and in a sense forgiven myself for everything. at this point in time im still grieving the loss so to speak. im also scared im going to compare the next relationship to my last one and the new guy to my ex and that ill never be satisfied (my ex was an amazing man, and possessed all the qualities i want in a partner) as the days past reality is sinking in more and more and its getting harder.
my ex broke up with me and is now stalking me.
so much fun. the police don’t care.
Today’s the birthday of my ex. I’ve told myself firmly that I won’t use this occasion to break NC. It’s without a doubt a rough day for me.
I won’t write him though. I’m thinking of him a lot, but he does not need to know this. The fact that I know, that I’m thinking of him, that I wish him well, is all that’s needed now. If I write him, either he’ll ignore me, or it’ll end up in another series of unpleasantries, which won’t help me heal.
Happy birthday to him though. So there, it’s out there, and it’s off my chest.
I need help…So my ex and I dated from about January to May. We were very close and spent just about everyday together. He was head over heals for me and I loved him very much. He was my first bf (I’m 21 btw) and I guess I was having a hard time understanding how someone could like me so much. So I convinced myself it wasn’t meant to be and I broke up with him. Well of course after I broke up with him I regretted it only he was fed up with me telling him I wasn’t sure he was “the one.” So now ha hates me and we don’t talk. I spent the next 6 months after I broke up with him apologizing and trying to get him back. He basically ignored me the entire time. Six months later he is all I can think about and I can’t get over ending the best thing I ever had. I am still convinced we are supposed to be together, but like I said he won’t hardly speak to me anymore. I don’t know if I’m going to get over this. I have been out with other guys and none of them compare to my ex. Please help!!
Hi.
I posted a comment somewhere in this blog several months ago, back when I was in the thick of heartbreak. Well, it has been 7 months since my ex dumped me for the younger girl in his band. He’ll never admit that he dumped me for another girl, but considering his relationship with her started before ours even ended…anyone with half a brain can add up those numbers.
To make a long story short:
We grew up in the same hometown, knew each other from going to see bands play, and from going to the same community college. Found each other years later on myspace. From that point it went very fast. I visited him, then he moved from our hometown to be with me. He considered me his ‘ideal’, I considered him the same.
Fast forward 2 years:
I introduced him to this jerk who was starting a band. He joined the band. Started hanging out with the band all the time. Developed an intimate friendship with a girl in the band. As soon as she broke up with her bf, my bf was with her all the time. Horrible breakup ensues. I find out later after he lies to my face that he did indeed cheat on me.
7 months later and I am still single with big time trust issues and fear of rejection. He is still in the band and still very much entangled with the girl…although neither of them will admit that they are in a relationship.
I unofficially went NC around a month ago after a traumatic incident with him. Last Saturday he sends me this email saying that he still thinks about me way more than I think he does, and that I will see him soon and it will be “calm and beautiful.” Calm and beautiful???? Are you kidding me? What a simpleton!!! He makes it seem like I’ve been lighting candles and praying for him to make a cameo appearance in my life. Like he’s the holy grail, and that his popping in for 30 minutes will make everything ok. That’s crap. If you wanted things to be ok you shouldn’t have toyed with my suffering soul. You shouldn’t have lied to me. Betrayed me. Abandoned me. You shouldn’t let me marinate in my anger and sadness. He has texted me crap like “I’m so sorry” and then not offered any further explanation. That’s just plain cruel.
Initially he broke up with me because he “wanted to be single.” How is he single if he’s with his former mistress every night in her bed? I’m the strong one who is truly learning to be single and self-sufficient again. I’m the strong one who had to go to therapy for the first time in my life, because my sadness was jeopardizing my job. He’s the weak idiot who has no personality of his own. He’s a 30 year old man who is letting his new 23 year old lady turn him into her preferred cookie-cutter hippie bong hit “I’m in a band” boyfriend.
Sorry, had to get all that out. It still makes me sick. And I still find my mind obsessing over all of it. It makes me manic and angry!
But here’s the deal:
On December 30th I am getting on a plane, and I will arrive in Madrid, Spain to ring in the new year far away from all of my bad memories. I will be there for the next 5 months studying Spanish, and living it up! It’s my belated birthday present to myself. It’s my reward for surviving. I need it. I need to clear my head and be anonymous in a big city. I need to be on a different continent than my ex. I need to sit and read books in the sun. I need to dance and flirt like mad with cute Spaniards.
Don’t think I’m not scared, because I am. But for the first time in my life I’m fulfilling a dream. A real, big, scary and beautiful dream. And I never would have done it if I were still in a relationship with my ex.
And just for piece of mind…who is going to be the exciting one here? The vapid girl he gets to see every mundane stress-filled day? Or the ex who got so fed up she took of for half a year in Spain?
I will return stronger. And he will no longer infect my brain and ruin my days. I suggest to all the rest of you who have been hurt—do something amazing and crazily good for yourselves! It is the best reward for having survived a kick in the heart.
Renozen,
He sounds like he was just trying to re-engage you in his bullshit. The idea of two girls wanting him probably did alot for his ego.
Well done for your spanish trip – sounds blooming marvellous. Be kind to you, let the anger out and keep moving – eyes on the prize baby girl!!!
Red x
Wow. This site is refreshing. I am 18 days post break-up and trying the no-contact rule. The ex and I were together for 2 years, the last of which we lived together. It took a week and a half for me to move out, so we’ve had to contact each other to straighten out the stupid things – who owns what, who gets the furniture we bought together.
It hurts, like hell. I had to send him an e-mail this morning to make sure I got a copy of the paperwork that gets my name off the lease. I hated having to e-mail him.
He told him we are too much the same to be together and that sometimes that makes people less compatible. We talked about getting married and having kids. It doesn’t help that everyone my age is getting married – I’m 26.
Surprisingly, I am not doing as badly as I thought I might be. I erased his phone number from my phone – all contact while I was moving was via short e-mails. I broke up with him on facebook, but I’ve yet to un-friend him, and he’s yet to do the same. I still have pictures up from his brother’s wedding and I need to courage to delete them. It’s coming, I know it.
He is my first love and I was a mess for the first week. I’m surrounded by boxes and living in my very own apartment for the first time. But oddly enough, the idea of dating is exciting…is that weird. I kinda want to go out to a movie with a new guy, no expectations, and realize that there are more fish in the sea and that I’m wrong to think he was the only nice guy out there I can click with. Not looking to be married, looking to start things slow and be honest with a guy I may share a couple of hours with. Not looking for sex or even kissing. Is that weird? Is it too soon…am I kidding myself with this? Do I need to go out on a date to see if it really is too soon.
There’s one thing I know, if the ex wanted me back, I would need to think about it. Things would seriously need to be discussed. I surprised myself by actually thinking that and writing it.
Welcome to the blog Jen. Glad you are here!
Help my fellow GPYPers! I just got an email from X! Yuck! And I was in such a good mood today! It was short and friendly, and he offered to bring me all of my stuff “wherever and whenever”. Ouch. Part of me thinks I should get it all back, and then there’s no more “business” between us lingering, then the other part of me is terrified to see him. I still care so much and there is so much to say, and it will be SOOO painful to just take the stuff, say “thanks” and not say any of it. Also, I wonder if not taking the stuff is keeping me from letting go completely. Pooey. This all hurts very much.
If you REALLY need/want the stuff, ask him to mail it you.
Some of the stuff is fairly valuable (to me) and not easily mailable… I could set something up where I wouldn’t have to see him, like a friend meet him, or if he still has my key, have him drop it off when I’m not there. Then part of me wonders if there is an opportunity here for “closure”, not in any grand conversation way, but to see what it would be like to see him/talk to him again….it could very well be “yup, I don’t miss him, I’m so much further from that life now….” Then there’s the scary alternative… where I see him and it sets me back 3 months.
Stronger, short and friendly is the worst! The ex and I have short and friendly e-mails to sort out our stuff as we lived together. When I needed to pack up my stuff at the apartment, I took three girlfriends and I am so glad I did. He was there for the first fifteen minutes to sort out unfinished business and I cried!! My friends pretty much did all the packing! When I had to go back on Wednesday with the movers, it was the hardest day of my life! I saw him for the last time and he kissed me on the forehead. And I cried again. But I haven’t cried since.
Just say thanks. I tried to find answers with my ex last week and it just gave me more questions. I have to accept we’re not meant to be – if we were he’d have been willing to work through our issues. Bring a friend with you to stay strong when you collect your stuff. How much is it? Can it be mailed? Either way, if I could survive Wednesday moving and still be standing, you can do this.
Man, I wish a few of you guys were in Boston so we could have a RL support group! This website is great.
Stronger:
Have you read Susan’s post on closure? It is fantastic as it very clearly explains what true closure is and how one goes about getting it.
If you haven’t read it, you can find it by putting this phrase in the search box at the top of this page: “5/4 TFTD ~ On Closure”.
And as far for some of the stuff being “fairly valuable (to me)”, if you TRULY need and want this stuff to be able to have the life you want, then suggest an alternative like dropping it off at some neutral place, like maybe a police station or a community center or a mutual friend’s house – making it clear that you do NOT want to see him in this exchange (if maintaining NC is truly what you want to do).
And as for your concern about seeing “him and it sets me back 3 months” – that is a very real possibility. That said, it is completely up to you whether or not you want to risk it – but again just be ready to accept this as a possible consequence if seeing him again doesn’t go the way you hope.
So whatever you choose to do about this stuff, just remember to be loving – as in “Love is an Action” – to YOU :)
Hugs,
SmilingAngel
Thank you so much Jen! I’m all the way on the west coast! Oh well!
I’m actually having a little dinner party with a few close friends tomorrow night, and thought of having him drop it off right before, this way my close friends will be arriving right after and I’ll have to play hostess and I’ll have them with me. No time to fall apart.
I hate all of this! This morning I was planning a fun party! Now I’m sitting here at work, holding back tears, worrying about this loser!
Closure post:
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/04/18/closure-redux/
Thank you thank you Smiling Angel! I don’t know what I’m feeling right now yet… It’s funny, I just realized that I was starting to feel like that weak unsure person I was at the end of our relationship and have to remember I’m not and have grown so much. I will weigh all the pros and cons and keep you posted. I feel very lucky to have this blog right now! Thank you!
Thanks Susan. I hadn’t read this one before so I’ll definitely check this one out too! :)
Its been a week since my ex broke up with me. We were together for 7 years. Im finding the ‘no contact rule’ to be extremely hard especially after 7 years. He says he still loves me but he is unhappy with the way his life is going, so he needs time to himself to figure out where he wants to go.
The first couple of days I thought I was going to die of depression and as the days go by I can say that I feel better than that 1st/2nd day at least, but I keep getting that horrible feeling every now and then.
I cant seem to occupy my time therefore im constantly thinking about him. We go to the same places, know the same people, live minutes from eachother so I know there are many chances of us possibly seeing eachother.
I cant be around him, and I found out the hard way. His family is very close to me and I find it very hard to keep contact with them especially his smaller siblings that dont understand exactly whats going on. The second I see him I am my happiest and then when its time to leave it feels like he broke up with me all over again. Today I kept my promise with the ‘no contact’ thing, and its way harder than I thought, Im sick of crying and feeling this depression. I keep putting myself in positions where I purposely see him and I let the cycle of sadness continue.
Jill I can relate to what you are saying about the ‘no-contact’ thing. A sense of contentment – of okay everything is okay now when they are around and then when they leave the pain is overwhelming.
You are not alone. People tell me it will get easier. I have comitted myself to not call or sms or communicate – but can rationalise each time i do after making the decision. Then feel terrible afterwards.
Really – try not to do it. Be good to yourself as i have not been.
I am disapointed with myself for continually contacting him and stating how i feel etc – he has not responded except with a very cold message to ‘cease’ the trying to contact. And it hurts especially when i can find nothing I did during our relationship to deserve being isolated from him – he just could not love me – and i do not understand why.
BUT it’s important to screama nd cry without trying to ease it. I wish I had found this website earlier so I would have understood the process more clearly and not give in to the impulsion to contact and communicate.
Don’t hurt yourself Jill by doing what I have done – go through the pain yourself and walk out the other side with your head held high.
Sharna
Now i need to somehow find forgiveness for myself – and my actions for doing something many told me not to do – the impulsion was so strong, i could not believe what they said I intensly wanted to fix it and get life back but it has not worked. To fight for what I believe was right.
Now i’m simply tired, broken and defeated.
I feel so weak and want to learn how to love myself and feel like i am ‘enough’.
The soul screams while trying to integrate into this deep change. and the loss.
Sharna,
Move forward and don’t beat yourself up. Just remember next time when the urge gets so great to come here and write, call a friend or the hardest one for me is to do nothing. Next time remember what you are feeling now and know you don’t want that to happen again. Be good to yourself.
M
Jill,
I think his saying he “loves” you is not allowing you to disconnect from him as you have to in order to move through this, away into your own better life, and heal.
What do you want from someone who loves you?
Support? Honesty? A commitment to grow with you and keep you in the loop? I’d say these are all rational, valuable, and reasonable things to expect.
He is not where you’re going to get those things. Nah-ah. His life is not your life. And he’s making that very clear. And you are a totally separate, valuable, worthy human being.
Connect as much as you can to other important others in your life who are not related to him. Start doing some new things like hobbies and groups that you never did before. This will begin to help.
Also, Susan Anderson’s book (listed here to the right) will hep explain all the feelings you’re having. They are perfectly normal and can be awful to feel.
Hello, my names elias. I’m new to this site so I don’t know if I’m posting this right but I just got off a 13 month relationship, my first serious one infact, I lost my viriginity to her, she was my first kiss and she lived with me about the last 6 months of our relationship with me and my parents. I feel as though I’ve given her everything… I gave her my home, my heart, my love. I’d come home from work and drive her around to kill time or chill with friends. I’d have additude problems but she did too. It hurts me so much because I feel as though she doesnt appretiate any of it, near the end of our relationship we started fighting a lot over dumb things and pretty much stopped having sex. Once it was over we started talking again (as friends, big mistake) and I picked her up one day, we kissed and it felt so nice… I was waiting to see her again to spend some time with her when she sends me a text out of nowhere saying she’s getting a lip piercing (she knows I hate it) She had it once before, I gave up argueing about it and had let her get it. I don’t understand why she’s doing this to me? is she playing mind games? when we were texting she told me she wanted to get back with me but with me she said we can still hang out. Finally I told her F off and to leave me alone for good. I don’t know how to feel… This is a first for me. I’m so depressed, I’ve been smoking more marijuana then ever…. I do go to the gym everyday and I’m actually taking pro-hormones. (Gained 10 or so pounds of muscle) Please help me… I need some advice on this. Did I do the right thing for leaving her? it happend on holloween when she ditched me to go to her moms house to be with her sis and bro.
Lets see how I’m doing
1. The No-Contact Rule – No
Text her twice (now stopped), kept looking on facebook (trying to stop, though she is on friends friends lists so might pop up if I am on, so trying not to use it at all), met once in person to finally ended things (wont be meeting again).
2. I have to have closure – No
Kept saying this which is why we met as we were “taking a weeks break” but it was obvious her feelings changed, we met to end things in person.
3. No Trying To Make Sense of It All – No
Spent last week and Monday this week trying to do just that
4. The No-More-Arguments Rule – Yes
We never argued in the 3 years we dated and didnt even when we split.
5. No Sex With The Ex – Yes
We rarely had sex anyway due to her low sex drive and I suppose in truth her lack of feelings towards me in the end
6. The No-Revenge Rule – Yes
I’m not a revenge led person
7. The No-Rebound Rule – Yes
Again I only ever get with people who I actually care about and want a decent run with
8. No Avoiding Being Alone – No
I’m a twin living with his brother, makes this one hard, though for a twin being with your twin is often like being alone anyway.
So 4/8 broken, after a week of final relationship ending, two weeks after I was first told things were not right.
I hope to one day remain friends with her, and I have with a previous ex, but only as we only contact each other once every few years when we happen to bump into each other in person or online through common interests. And with her, all feelings of attraction on both parties have completely gone.
I was with my boyfriend for just a little over a year. I loved him so much and did anything for him, and he did the same for me. We spoke for on average 3 hours a day over the period of our days however we only saw each other once a week, if that. He worked 5am to 4pm and i worked 12pm-8pm so during the week was out. When the weekend came we would usual spend a few hours here and there, on average one night together. The fact we had little person to person contact didn’t matter, we got on so well. About 3 months ago, we began to get frustrated at the fact we couldnt see each other, a member of his family wasn’t well and he had a lot on. I said it didn’t matter but i had so much love to give and i couldnt give it.
We both decided it was best to leave things, a joint mutual decision. We have broken up about 6 or 7 times before for the same reason. normally though a day or two later we end up texting.
I KNOW this time though that this is it. It’s been 4 days of no contact, i miss him so much, and my day feels empty without our phonecalls, him calling to wake me up by singing down the phone, our jokes, our laughs.
I know that it’s for the best and I also know deep down if he changed his mind i would instantly go back but i know him too well and know that he isn’t going to go back this time. I just need a little help, how to deal with it, how to resist not contacting him. how to deal with this horrible empty space inside me!
Since my last post the no contact rule was broken again this time by her leaving me a message which happened to be the day after I shreaded all fo the letters and card she wrote me over the years (which was a pretty painful experience. I dont remember that being so hard before). It got me down, then it got me a angry for the first time, then down again, then calmness. But that was on the weekend.
Today I feel like I miss her so and Ive found myself going back over thoughts of why, what if, does she still, how could she. I keep telling myself no, stop it. She stopped caring about me, she told me, so shes not thinking about me, she wont suddendly wake up and realise she is still in love with me after all, and that it doesnt matter what she is doing, or who she is with.
Though its hard, as I know exactly what she is doing, and in most cases with whom.
I know its only been two weeks for me, and I know that in more time after NC I will feel less for her, or at least I think I will. but I know that she will pop into my head again and by then she will be with one of the other people that liked her (as she admitted to liking them) and its just hard, since I knew these people, spoke to them, saw them with her as mutual friends we were making for two years. They were good people for the most part. But knowing that she will be (if she is not already) with them and is at the very least thinking about them when I’m still thinking about her is just so painful.
Just cant get the thoughts out of my head today and I feel so far from home (due to the commute into work) and very alone right now (I just havent been able to connect with the people I work with, but I need the money that the job pays).
Just longing for the next hour to go by so I can head out the door, go home and be somewhere I comforting.
Steve
I read your post today and so sorry for the pain you are going through, I know the feeling oh so well!
It has been 2 weeks for you around the same time of NC for me and my ex, however on another post I indicated that I broke NC when he texted me Thanksgiving night and I then returned his call 2 days later…we spoke. It was not as hurtful as I thought. I miss my ex but I think he has other issues that would never allow him to love me the way I deserve. He told me that I will always be his friend and he even said he wanted to come visit me this month (we were long distance) .what a joke! I would say you deserve someone who love you back. you and I were similar as I recall your other post because we were not with people that abused us and so that make a break up even more difficult but we have to keep in mind we were not treated in the way we deserve so it still does not make our ex’s any better. Her sudden break up with you was not considerate of your feelings, and if you suspect she has moved on with someone else then that does not make her that honest or deserving of your love.
I will keep pulling for you and I am amazed that this site has provided me with strength and a clearer head to move forward. Keep reading post- I spent the day after thanksgiving in my bed on my lap top reading and journaling. I am not over my ex but his appeal lesson each day simply because I loved him a lot and was willing to leave my home town to be with him and he was to selfish to give me the type of love I needed in return. when people cant love us back then we should be become equally as selfish with our love….we deserve healthy, loving people not people who take take take and think only of themselves.
Thanks for the comments Nomi, you remember that other post well. She said she jsut stopped fancying me and fell out of love soem months back. Only when I asked if there was anything on her mind and if anything was wrong she would always say no, or say it was work.
I had two strange dreams about her lasrt night. In the first, I received a text message that she had sent but it was clearly suppose to be to someone else (another guy). I dont remember the exact text but it was something along the lines of “how she was out single they could get finally get meet up and get together but that she wanted to take it slowly”. It suggested that they had been flirting online on facebook for some months, speaking at night and that for the last few months of our relationship, she had been thinking of him whenever she was close to me.
I remember it felt so realistic I woke up in a cold sweat. That was at 5am (at the clock just went off downstairs shortly after). I was totally thrown by it and started to feel anger and that this was the real reason why her feelings changed, and that she HAD been lying to me after all. But I began to think it must have been a dream as I did not have my phone and q cuick check confirmed that.
Aftre lying their for what felt like ages but was less than an hour I must have fallen asleep again as I was woke again by another dream of her. This time we met up, I was in her house and went into her bed room to speak to her. She was sitting on her bed looking different to how she normally does, not as attractive, and she had a mark on her arm that I could not see clearly. I asked what it was and she said it as a tattoo, I remember it was a shape of something and her name forename in capitals with dots between them. I remember she seemed really please but I was thinking that’s not like her, she hated tattoos, and that she really had changed a lot. I didnt feel attracted to the person I saw in front of me. I then woke up again with the clock chiming 6am (stupid clock).
It was so strange how form the first dream I was so upset and hurt, and then after the second dream I felt detached from her in a “she’s not the person I fell in love with, and the person she has become is no longer someone I would fall i love with”.
I’m not sure if the 2nd dream was caused by the first, or something else, but I remember reading on here when someone else had a dream where their ex appeared but was different, less attractive, that someone felt it was a good sign that they were getting over them.
I hope so as I was pretty low yesterday and after the first dream I just wanted to get her out of my head once and for all.
Well its been four days since my last post and what a difference those four days have been. I’ve managed to get through a few nights without dreaming of her, and even when she’s popped up as a topic of conversation in the dreams its been emotionally detatched.
I’m back eating properly and generally feeling more positive. I do still have moments where I get down but they are certaintly getting less and are much shorter.
I’ve been spending some time talking to some other people who are are going through emotional problems themselves and have been trying to lend an ear.
Though I still see an uncertain future ahead, it doesnt look so bleak and futile.
I thought I’d post this since I was feeling a little better so that if others read this in the future and felt like I did, that can see that I felt a lot better soon after my last post and so therefore they may as well
I have been reading anonymously but now have a specific question.
I was in a long distance relationship (across continents) with a man for 7 months and two weeks ago he became upset and uncertain, and we went through 4 options: status quo, take it at his pace (slower), try to be friends, or cut off contact.
He chose friendship and i agreed to try, but the next day realized it was not working for me. I emailed that i could not be his friend and needed to move on with my life.
He had a flight booked to visit in January for 3 weeks and even post-breakup, believed he’d be ok staying at my house and being “friends”, until I told him that would set me back.
Anyway, because we live so far away, this might be the only/last time we could meet in person ever again. If there is a chance to mend it, this is it.
On the other hand, it could be a chance for me to prove to myself that, without the romantic feelings around, that he was not “all” that I believed.
Do I let him stay with me? Do I offer, as a friend, to find him alternative accomodations? (hotel, etc. will be expensive).
I’m quite confused….
spinning,
I saw your post on the NC thread first, so I’m reading in the wrong order. But here goes: What do you hope to gain by having him stay with you? Be honest with yourself. If you want to reconcile, what has changed? What has changed since he said he was uncertain? Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t know for sure that he wants to be with you? You haven’t given much information about his desire to take it slow(er), so I’m not sure if this is helpful without more context. I just suggest staying focused on you and what you want. If that is to give the relationship another chance, be honest with yourself about it and make a conscious decision to host him at your home for that reason. Why play games? If you don’t want to take that risk with your heart, don’t do it and don’t look back. That’s my 2 cents. wish you the best, K
Well, breakup is about 2 weeks old now. Relationship didn’t last very long, maybe 6 months. We were very much in love with each other, well at least I was. She started making out with guys at the bar and telling me about it, going out with me and kissing guys in front of me. Finally she ended it and told me the night she did she was off having sex.
I broke the no-contact rule, for two reasons. I was pissed for one and just like everything you said I needed to reconcile her actions. Of course I only found more hurt by doing that, duh.
I found a nice quote for that BTW “A breakup is like a broken mirror, best to leave it then hurt yourself trying to put the pieces back”
Anyway, I do have a question. I work with her, which makes that no contact rule imposable. Should I quit my job? Should I just try and ignore her? Frankly I’m ready to quit, but I do have some doubts.
I just want to say thank you, Susan, many experts want money back for their advice, but you do not and you do help us very much.
Thanks a lot and wish you all the best.
Arabella
hi everyone….i was wondering if anyone had some tips for my situation:
i was with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years, the last year was spent living together in europe. he is 25 and i’m 28. i’m also his first real relationship. since the beginning, he has always made a point about needing his ’space’ and ‘alone time’ and we accomplished this by travelling separately often, etc…it didn’t really bother me because i thought it was good for me to work on my independence while also getting to be with the best person i ever met. we had a very healthy open honest relationship and he treated me better than anyone ever had.
when we got back from europe he said he wanted some alone time to go work on the campaign for a few months and then when he was finished, we could move somewhere new together (but live separately, of course)
2 weeks before he was due home he called and broke up with me. completely blindsided me, i didn’t see it coming at all. he said he realized in the last few months that he really ‘thrives from being alone’ and he isn’t ‘meant to be in a relationship, ever’, even though he thinks as a couple we are ‘perfect together.’
he then impulsively moved across the country when he was finished with his job.
i’ve done no contact for the last month. i received a letter from him on my bday 3 weeks ago, but i didn’t respond. it was just a pity letter telling me that he thinks of me all the time and that my broken heart will heal someday.
BUT! his whole idea is that in 6 months i will be over him, and then we can move to a new city together and be ’super best friends’ because i AM his best friend and he loves me and wants me in his life. he is an idealist and a dreamer and he sincerely believes in this idea, he thinks it could work.
i on the other hand am not so sure. i have bought a one way ticket also across the country but not anywhere near him. i plan to move out there in a couple of weeks and work on myself, being single, taking some classes, doing some stuff i’ve wanted to do, making new friends.
i know that he is waiting for me to contact him next, he says he understands i need my space and he will respect that. but i have resigned myself to wait for him to contact me next. the last time i talked to him a month ago he said it would nice to get an email from me after i move to let him know i’m okay. i’m not going to do this.
i wake up every morning and i can’t believe he’s across the country, i can’t believe he just got up and left when we were so happy together. he said that he was happy with me but he didn’t feel “fulfilled”
he claims he’ll never be close to anyone else like he was with me because he realized he isn’t meant to be that close to someone.
should i really never contact him again? is it possible for us to be friends someday? i am friends with another ex of mine, but our relationship ended mutally. even though this boy brought so much good and fun and adventure into my life, i’m not sure i’ll ever be able to be around him without feeling intense hurt and pain.
Renozen,
I know exactly how you feel when you said you reckoned your b/f had left you for someone else. And how painful it is.
My ex has done exactly the same thing, and while we knew we were going through a difficult time, it didn’t seem right that she would suddenly be positive about our future one day, and the next, not be talking to me.
In between, I reckoned she ‘tried before she bought’ with some guy that she had a taking to. Having given him a ‘test run’, she then decided she would dump me. How nice. And how courageous.
I am furious, but so lonely without her. I am doing mostly NC – it is limited to very brief emails to sort out stuff related to the flat we shared together (i’m now living there alone) and other finances etc. that we shared, and are now untangling. Possibly, I think i am doing NC as a way of getting back at her, so she really ‘misses’ me, but the rational side of me knows its pretty much over.
What makes me angry is the way she reckons we can still be ‘best friends’. A lover who is your best friend too is perfect in my book, but can they be your best friend and not your lover? I doubt it in this case.
Anyway, NC is my way of protecting myself from her at the moment, but it is tough, and the future looks bleak – we had so many projects together.
DAN Your statement, “tried b4 she bought–test run” soooo true. My ex always incorporated me into his next conquest, a yr ago last nov. we went shopping at the mall, we went into a bedding store so he could get some nice new bedding for his place, (keeping in mind he lived with me and had his own place)he left me in the lineup and said he had to pee, while I was standin in lineup I saw him talkin on his cell, HE WAS TALKING TO HER<whoever she was. He dumped me almost immediately and moved in his new TEST RUN. I never went to his place as I knew he slept with everyone, bottom barrel, there except me. When he left this nov, we went shopping again, this time for a new wardrobe for HIM, he had a winter jacket he wanted washed so I did, I asked him after did he want to wear it after it was washed, he replied that he would just put it in his vehicle with the rest of his NEW things, he left the next day, COCOA told me a few days ago that I am moving into the angry-mad stage, today that is an understatement, unfortunately I am going into the new yr enraged, another tough part of the process.
Sorry but I have to vent a wee bit more as it is eating me alive today. I realized that I have been SPLITTING for sometime now and since I read the thread I stopped. The anger–rage starting to well inside me, In the post above I mentioned his xmas treat last yr and she was more flirtatious and narcississtic than him, the union became violent early and didnt last. I had become totally emaciated from a small framed 5′6 137lbs to 110lbs of skin and bones. When he wanted to come back I suspected he was doing it from some obligated guilt and asked him so, he said how could I think that, he made a mistake and I am the one for him, he cried, we cried for a week and I gave him all my love and consoled him thru the grief, I realize now that I helped him grieve HER- he has not stopped looking for her ever since, but he is still test driving all he can. I have not shrivelled away to nothing this time, 125lbs, I do eat three small meals a day religiuosly and sleep not bad, so on a positve note, I am taking care of myself, for the first time and finally am aware I’m doing it.
I have come to a very important discovery when it comes to the nc rule. No contact can mean many things, you can have emotional contact with your ex, without even connecting with him by phone, email, children etc., as I did over Christmas. I can’t believe that I wore my wedding rings to wrap presents on Christmas Eve, by myself. (My reasoning, we were not divorced yet.) Was that crazy or what. I made contact. I found a picture of my ex before he became ill, and carried it around and cried for days. I made contact. YOU CAN MAKE CONTACT WITH YOUR EX, without even contacting him. Do you know what that did to me? I was mentally self mutilating. Believe it or not, I was looking to buy the first house back that we brought our children home from the hospital in and lived there 14 happy years, in fact the kids hand prints were still in the cement and the swing set we build was still up in the yard, and those were happy times there. How sick of me. It took a friend to point out that going back there was a really bad idea as I could not go back in time, I would not have been able to move ahead. I put the pictures and wedding rings away, and bagged buying the old house full of memories back. I have to remind myself that nc means mental as well as physical. The only constructive thing in having the “good old days” picture out, was to remind me that all the years were not bad, and that is it, end of story. I am moving on and not mentally self mutilating anymore. I hope! Thank you all especially this post for having the wisdom to tell it like it is.
Happy 2009.
P.S. Do you know why we eat pork on New Years? It is to remind us to look foreward because a pig can not look back, only ahead.
Renozen,
I’m not a psychologist, but just a person coming out of a 34 year relationship. I’m working on 8 months apart. I worry that you are running away from things. I just hope you can deal with issues when you get back. The time away will give you distance and piece of mind to comprehend the events that happened to you, but until you face them, are you really free of them? It was just a question. Peace to you.
sorry misspelling should have said peace of mind.
Dottie, I feel for you. It’s a very normal reaction too, wanting to recapture or hold onto very special memories. But it does only hurt you more, and it stops NEW happy memories coming into your life as fast as they normally would. I remember sobbing to a friend a couple of years back about the memories, she spoke to me about imagining I was putting all those great memories in a photo album, which I then put away into the bookshelf. It’s there anytime I want to look at it, but most of the time I just leave it unopened on the shelf. Finally that makes sense to me. Finally I can see how I don’t have to HATE my ex or deny the great times, but there were bad times too, and holding onto our relationship together stops me moving forward and having a new relationship, hopefully a better one after all I have learned. And that goes for all of us.
It’s like the thing about changing any part of our lives, we need a big enough ‘why’. Of course it’s a natural reaction to look back, but what have you got to gain by NOT doing that? Your new life, your next adventures, your next relationship … really your whole life moving on … that’s a pretty big ‘why’ …
Lola
Thank you Lola,
I like the idea of a non-existant photo album on the bookshelf. I can leave it there or open it. That, I think will help me greatly cope with, and help me move foreward. It really does make sense. I do have a lot to gain by not looking back. My brothers words haunt me yet though. He said, “Aren’t you so upset that you wasted so many years with this man?” That was painful. But I still have a life left, and I will find it with great people like you, who understand!
Thanks again,
Dottie
Don’t listen to those kinds of comments, usually says a LOT more about their personal frustrations than what they are commenting on. What would you prefer – a long unhappy marriage like the majority of people, or having a HUGE breakup, a personal meltdown, doing the work and feeling your feelings and then … at whatever age … having the relationship of your dreams? I really do think it’s possible when we work out enough of our stuff … just that it’s hard and difficult, you have to pace yourself and do lots of nice things in between! I’m still going, but I already feel SOOO much better than a year ago, and about 200% better than I did the year before that. And through that time I have had relationships, just not my perfect one. But still, a lot healthier than the relationship with the ex. Definitely moving in the right direction … I think you will find the same thing …
You need to find some kind of quick reply to that comment, maybe someone else can think of one here? Your brother needs to know that is just not helpful … what is helpful is coming here, know that you are on track and your healing has begun ..
Lola
Dottie, it’s all about what perpective you decide to take on what happened. I think you can decide to take the years you spent with this guy, and realize you could have spent time with a much *worse* person- especially if you weren’t conscious ofdeserving something much better. I *very* briefly dated a guy right after my breakup who was loads worse than my ex- because I had started to do the work and because he was so messed up- I got out of there.
Coulda shoulda is just a way to beat yourself up- it’s the inner predator (read Women Who Run With the Wolves). We get rid of someone who doesn’t honor us, and then our psyche takes over the job of bashing.
So, possible new perspective- without the years, it wouldn’t have hurt as much. You wouldn’t be conscious enough. You wouldn’t have as much pain- and it is the pain that gives us the power to change in serious ways. That’s why Susan refers to it as the “gift of desperation”. I was just listening to an excellent tape from a psychologist who is nationally famous, and he says in his studies, he found that many kinds of therapy work and don’t work— the key factor is that the person is desperate to change and the way that they were is NOT an option. He makes the people that come to see him, after paying exorbitant rates (because he hardly sees patients anymore, and he only does one-off visits), beg for him to treat him “I’m not convinced, he says, that you really want me to work with you” (after they’ve flown across the country and paid the umpteen dollars).
So, there was no waste in this scenario. Only an important learning chapter that has been read and now you’re digesting the information. The last chapter is over. CLose the book and put it on the shelf next to Lola’s photo album. TIme to start writing a new book.
BeClear,
Thank you too for your perspective. Why is it that sometimes it is hard to write a new book when for so many years, I didn’t believe that leaving was an option? I was going to keep my marriage together at all costs. It’s true that I was there at the “gift of desperation.” And I knew that when I left I would never go back. I didn’t realize that the mental work would be so hard or take so long.
I have struggled with the “mental” work and it is hard and it does take time and I am coming into this realization and truth. I have considered saying to hell with it and then I post here and someone picks up the ball for me and away I go again, on the right path. I blamed the ex for everything, literally, because I was afraid to look at myself, REALLY LOOK, that was a tough call, I am doing that now slowly, and steady. I also thought because I am 53 that why bother, that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, because of the loving souls here, I CAN LEARN NEW TRICKS!!!!!! AS foreign as it may seem, embrace your GIFT OF DESPERATION. I am and for the first time in my life, I CAN DO THIS!!Still practicing FULL NC.
Has anyone every wanted them to come back just so you can tell them to stay the hell away from you? I am stuck in this state of rumination…I keep hoping and fantasizing that he will come back one more time so I can be strong and tell him to never contact me again.
He is the one who cheated and lied, but I am always the one who ended the relationship. I fought it every step of the way. I KNEW what he was doing was wrong, and I KNEW he was being manipulative, he was gaslighting and he has the most severly distorted thinking process EVER!
BUT…
I break up with him and end the relationship because I catch him red handed and then he has the nerve to cut ME off! I caught him the Saturday after Christmas and he refused to speak to me after we had the big blowout and confrontation. I wrote to him a couple of times just to ask why he had to be so nasty and why couldn’t he just be civil toward me…after all, HE is the one who screwed up for the 100th time! He will not respond to me. I have been NC now since New Year’s Day…
I can see the control thing going on here, but how do I stop this feeling of wanting to reject him so that I can feel a sense of empowerment instead of feeling so angry that he will not speak to me. Is it just a simple mind game, like wanting to have the last word? How the heck can he possibly justify not speaking to ME? I didn’t do anything except try to stand up for myself and walk away.
Anyone identify with this?
Traci
My ex cheated on me once and I attempted to engage in a conversation after I broke up with him be he refused to talk to me. I felt first very hurt and like I deserved some kind of retribution for his actions. I think it might have been the guilt…he knew he was wrong, he couldnt face me. Unfortuantely after a couple of months I couldnt take it…I asked to try again…I just let it all go. He did respond and say no…he’s not good at relationships….so I had to move on. Sure enough, one month later..who is calling? Him. I took him back but a year and a half later he was still the same guy – manipulating and lying. We broke up again. I’m sorry I took him back. I NEVER got over the cheating, NEVER fully trusted him again. I always wish I wuold have just said no when he came back….I would be in a much better place. I lost myself at that point. I lost respect for myself for being so weak. I knew it but I felt I couldnt help it. I wish I would have had this site then.
So my advice….let him go off and do whatever. You have better things to do…and that is paying attention to you and what you need. Reject the Rejector! Who needs em.
Traci – he cheated on you. He lied and disrespected you. You deserve much better than that…you really do. Dont give him any more of you. I know it really hurts now but lots of us have been through this and if you keep at the work you will be fine. I promise. Learn from my mistake…let it go and dont look back.
Traci I re read your post after sending mine, and I guess I misunderstood your question when I answered.
Why do you feel you need him to respond? It’s hard to feel like they can just walk away. But really what good will it do if he does engage? What has happened is over. You’ve told him it’s over and he’s moving on to do what he needs to do. You have to as well.
Can you get your feelings out another way? I used to have dialogues with my ex in my car. As if he was sitting in the passenger seat I used to yell and cuss at him! It always felt better afterwards. I imagine people driving by might I have thought I was nutso but I didnt really care. I knew I had to not contact the Ex, jounaling was only so helpful with the anger, so I had to get it out into the air. It helped while I was driving to do this. You need to get it out – but not to him.
Try and figure out what is really driving your need to hear from him and then take it from there. But in a way that honors you.
JULIE AH! The sucumming to their bullcrap. I did with much shame take mine back three times last year and the hurt grew intensely with each departure. The last time he left 2mths ago he said something to me he had never said before ” I don’t care now if you want to be with another guy, and DEB, good luck with that. He said it wont bother him if he sees me with someone else. SAY WHAT!!!! It was then I realized the main reason he hung on so long to me is he didn’t want me to move on and I never did, he always did. It sickens me to the core, the people where I worked, friends, family grew very tired of my repetitve going back and forth and I lost alot of respect from people because of it. I have one long time friend that has stuck with me because of her own issues, we understand each other, we support each other. I lost my job so I have no contact anymore with many people that cared for me, they just don’t understand and I accept that cause I am just coming into that understanding now.
Traci,
You could bang your head against that wall til the cows come home, but he’s not going to give you what you want. He doesn’t want to or he can’t, who knows. It’s not helpful to you at all to care about the reasons he has for being who he is. He probably doesn’t have a clue, either. If he were evolved and self-aware, he wouldn’t have cheated. His behavior now is very much in line with the person he was when he slept with someone else. Do you think he owes you an apology? I think you’ll get it when he** freezes over. That’s a long time to wait to feel better, and going that route would give him a lot of power over you. YOUR power over you is in cutting him loose and not needing anything from him anymore. Turn your rage into self-empowerment. Walk it off, write it off (but don’t share your writing with him), punch it off (punch pillows, of course :) ), talk it off (but not with him). The anger will subside and you will still have your dignity. You can move on without anything from him, you really can.
Kathy,
I know you are right. It really doesn’t matter what he thinks, why he won’t talk to ME or what is going through his head. He communicated with his ex wife, inappropriately, after he had agreed not to for the 100th time.
I think I get stuck on the WHY he has to keep involving her. SHe is remarried now. It just seems like he is still so connected to what she thinks and her opinions. It is bizarre to me. I know that is focusing on him instead of me, whcih is what keeps me from moving on, but it is SOOO hard sometimes. I don’t feel sad today; I just feel mad at him because it could have been so good if he could have just broken this sick bond he has with her. I don’t get it…why wouldn’t you want to move on after someone cheated on you? SHe cheated on him after 10 years of marriage and he was devastated.
YIKES…OK…I left that last couple of statements because I can see what it says to ME. WHY wouldn’t I want to move on after someone has betrayed me the way he has, literally, from day one?
Why he has to keep involving her is the a variation of the same theme (as in why he thinks the way he does).
Isn’t saying “it could have been good if he had broken a sick bond with his ex” pretty much the same as saying “it could have been good if he were only a completely different person?” This is who he is. Did you want to change him? Did you want him to change for you? Neither is possible. All of us change because we want to and we do it for ourselves first, not for someone else. Wanting and trying to change others is codependent behavior. When we are in this kind of struggle with someone like your ex (and I have been more than once), the codependent behavior is our issue and that’s what we need to turn around, not the ex.
take care of you first–you deserve it :)
Thank you, Kathy.
I know what you said is true…
I guess it is time to break out my copy of Codependent No More.
I appreciate the support and the validation SO much!
No problem, Traci. Like so many people here, I have been in your shoes and will never forget how awful I felt. It’s really very good. You just need to refocus. We all do sometimes. I think really intense emotion is a wake up call for us; an opportunity to make a big change or shift in ourselves, our lives. You sound like a strong, determined person–I hope you don’t waste those great qualities on someone else when you could shower them on yourself and, one day, the right relationship with a better person for you.
Oh, Check out Beyond Codependency, too. (Same author).
This comment from above post: “It’s really very good”, belongs after my book suggestion. sorry ’bout that!
Kathy – I’m glad you explained – I was trying to figure what you meant “….how awful I felt. It’s really very good”.
I had to think ok …Kathy felt awful…but it’s really very good.??? Well OK if we flip that into feeling is awful but feeling is good then I could see that. .
Aaack! Sometimes this work is just too much mental strain!
Julie,
hee hee. I cut and pasted the book recommendation from the beginning to the end of my comment, but I was going too fast. Such is communication of this sort, eh? ;) Hope you are doing well; I think of you often. hugs, K
He just wrote to me in response to an email I sent him several days ago and have been NC since. I asked him why he had to be so nasty and why he couldn’t be a civil human being. and that we would eventually see each other and he did more damage by acting so mean. That is all the email said. HE is the one who is in the wrong here.
5 minutes ago, I got this email and all it said is…I am not playing games with you. I put all my eggs in one basket and it didn’t work. Best of luck to you and your daughter.
I am trying with everything I have NOT to respond to that. I start wondering what he means, why he would wait so long and then write somthing so stupid. All this crazy stuff is going through my head…HELP!?!
Traci
It just shows you that he’s still very unstable. Despite what he might have told you at one point, he’s still flip-flopping and your instincts about him were right on the mark! I encourage you to stay strong and do not respond and do not try to interpret what he said. Who knows…does it matter? Will it change who he is? What if he’s on his way back to the ex – yet again? Do you need this in your life? No you do not! Please take a bunch of deep breaths and close out your email and shut down that cell phone. Step away from the computer and get your strength back and shore up your defenses. He’s playing games and you just dont have time for this. Think about you and don’t engage him anymore. Is it worth it? All this crazy feeling you are going through is the result. Just step away, step back and let it go. When you are feeling better, come back and post here, we will be waiting to help!
Thank you for the support. Just when I think I am strong, I get that feeling inside of me. I kind of panic and then I feel very emotional. I feel like I have been holding back the tears, and I need to let them out. I am afraid that if I do, it won’t stop…
Traci,
Some times you need to cry and get them out. Otherwise they are always there just waiting to come out. When you are in a safe place and feel like you are going to cry, let it out. I have gone to sad movies so I could cry. Once it is over I have felt better.
Journal, read and come here. You can do it but you need to feel your feelings. You can’t just supress them. They don’t go away.
Hugs,
M
Traci
You ARE strong…it just doesnt feel that way. But all that you wrote earlier, that’s your strength. Dont let your ex zap that out of you – try and find it again.
You may not believe this, but I love it when I can cry! I used to be so afraid of it – and felt the exact same as you do. I thought it would never stop and that it was such a deep pool of sorrow that I had. I didnt even want to go there because it was admitting that I had failed, that he wasnt coming back and that I was acknowledging the loss. I also had losses and pain from my past that I knew I had to cry over. But I didnt want to do any of that. But eventually I had to give in to the tears and the pain. It just built up and it would come out at crazy times…like when I was talking to my boss or something. So just give into it. The more you cry the more you empty that pool of sorrow. And then one day you will find that it starts to dry up – there’s very little left of the old stuff! When I can cry now, I welcome it. It feels SO MUCH better when I do. Whatever you can do to get those tears out, try to do it. It’s really exhausting but it cleanses out the muck.
This is your time to do this work. I see my break up as a gift. I didnt see that 10 months ago, but now I do. It is a gift as it allows me to finally face all the crap I was always too afraid to face. You can do this too. You are strong and you CAN do this! Keep telling yourself that. I believe it about you after reading your post earlier. I want you to believe it too.
i had had hard time breaking up, but now i have completelly get out of it. I had applied the no rules. he contact me whenever he can throug mail and text, i don’t respond to any of it but i fill sad when he do that.
No for all of it, except the No-Revenge Rule, i want my ex to hurt, i don’t want to hurt him but anther girl of setuations should hurt him, for all the pain he had caused me and i fill he deserv it. is that normal?
It’s been about a month since I made the decision that it will never be again, however I only started the no contact about a week ago. Before that I was at the sleeping with the ex stage. In 3 and a half weeks time I will be attending a mutual friends wedding as one of her bridesmaids where he will be one of the groomsmen. I am absolutely dreading this wedding because I will have to see him. It is going to be very difficult to avoid him and I just don’t know how I’m going to cope. Whether or not he intends to hurt me by mentioning the fact that he is seeing the woman he cheated on me with, i know that I will be hurt by what ever words come out of his mouth. Even if they are not directed at me. Do I speak to him or do I ignore him? do I excuse my self if he tries to talk to me? and then what if he doesn’t want to talk to me? I’ll feel even more rejected. Some friends have suggested that I stay sober for the wedding and drive home that night, but why should e get to have all the fun once again? I should be able to enjoy some drinks with good friends, and ultimately be seen enjoying myself. I would like to drink socially with the friends I laugh uncontrollably with while in that state, whilst at the wedding. A part of me feels that maybe I should not drink, but knowing myself I would feel overwhelmed with so many strangers around that a few drinks would take the edge off, and help me socialise with the other guests. How do I remain no contact, when I have to share the limo with him? My focus should be on my friend (the bride) who would not have i any other way, but to be honest I’m going to need all the support I can get that day and to be quite honest I don’t think the bride understands just how hard this is going to be for me. While I understand that this is one of the most important days of her life, it is going to be one of the hardest of mine. How do I stay strong?
Hi Tegan,
I can understand that you are not looking forward to this day. I have never been in this situation, so I can’t share much advice, other than suggesting to you to read this post written by Susan.
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/01/17/when-you-absolutely-positively-have-to-see-the-ex/
Maybe it is a good idea to print this post out, and put it in your purse. If you should encounter difficult moments, hide in the bathroom, and read Susan’s words in order to keep yourself healthy and strong this day.
I’d strongly advise against consumption of alcohol though. I think it’s very important that you remain in control of yourself, so you don’t end up saying things or doing things you’ll regret while being under the influence.
Good luck !!
Hello my name is Stephanie and I
have a question that i hope you guys could answer,it will help me alot as im confused out of my mind..so here it is me and my fiance broke up and we
haven’t spoke for a month.So I was fed up feeling unappreciated
and we were both tired of fighting everyday and so during this month I
really took the time and thought bout what I could have done wrong and
I realized I had more faults than I’ve accused my man of weird huh lol
yea I was constantly bitching,complaining,controlling and depressed
even though I love this man with all my heart and during our 4 years
of relationship we’ve both tried to communicate better but we both
have strong personalities and we both want to be right so that always
turns in an ugly fight just like our last break up,we were engaged we
wanted to get married,both of us.We been having on and off break ups
throughout these 4 years, we haven’t had a break up for a year and a
half until last month which it was pretty nasty but in between of our
break ups we always tried the let’s be friends thing because it seems
like neither of us can stay away from each other for to long.So after
this month figuring out how and what we both said it’s done for good
and trying to cut off all contact but I was missing him like crazy so
here I went making a mistake again and wrote him a long ass letter
bout how I was wrong and realized all the petty things and so on so he
replied to me he said he still loves me and that we can be real cool
but that he doesn’t want to go back into a relationship with me
because even though he wishes we would of patched things back then and that it
caused him a lot of stress and says we’ve been through this many times before and that we’ve never been able to work it out 100% and that right now he doesnt want to be in a relationship with anyone but ever since i initiated that contact he’s been hittin me up everyday and we talk for hours and so right now we are in contact and we’re trying to be friends
but even tho we have good laughs and we feel good together it still feels a bit fake,or should i say cold because neither of us is
trying to do or say something wrong.I’m sorry for the long letter I
usually talk a lot to get to my point one of my main flaws lol.Anyway
my question to you…do you think my situation is hopeless knowing the
fact that me and him are maintaining an everyday contact because i want to go back to the no contact rule as im still in love with him and it hurts , neither of us got over eachother but we both so tired of fighting and we can not seem to let the past be past…but here’s why im so confused ive read this book by tw(dub) jackson called the magic of making up im sure most of you heard of it…but here’s my thing in his book theres the 30-day no contact rule where u doing u n so on…and after 30 days ur supposed to somehow get in contact with your ex all rejuvenated….but my issue is that i already did the 30 day no talking to my ex before even knowing of this book its me who gave in and wrote my ex the letter even tho hes the one who said he wants us to remain friends because i asked him if it wasnt better to keep off any contact but how could i go back to the no contact when we’re trying to be friends so hard but im thinking that if i dont do it he might get used to me being around and all my chance of being bk together might be spoiled…im so confused i dont want to play games with him but on the other hand i want him back i want to proove to him im improoving myself…i dont know what im supposed to do…how should i go back to the no contact after i accepted to be friends with him and i already took responsability of my faults…dont get me wrong though he has many faults to i just choosed to focus on mine n stop focusing on his…if anyone knows bout this book will u please guide or give me an advice on how should i apply all these things…should i go bk to no contact or should i keep on talkin to him and take things from where they are at this point since i already took a month break from him after the break up…i will highly appreciate your advice but please try and make it on point please dont tell me i should move on im sure alot of you guys had moved on and had put alot of energy in your past relationships and you have all my respect but me and my guy we’ve both put the same effort and we’re both loving each other we didnt cheat on one another or decieved its just we’re so young and this was our 1st real relationship to the both of us and we’re a bit clumpsy …thank you for reading this and for the help…may god keep you safe
Hello,
So my boyfriend of 2 years and 9 months and I just broke up 2 weeks ago. It’s weird because the situation in constantly on my mind, but I am just so tired of talking and writing about it. I’m sorry =(.
I need to know how to get rid of the guilt after saying hateful things to an ex. I don’t regret saying what I said. I still feel that way and feel he deserved to hear it; they weren’t lies, they weren’t for the sake of revenge, they weren’t an ulterior motive for getting him back; trust me, I am a rational person and I thought very well before writing. We broke up over the phone after a one month separation (we are studying abroad in different places; he is in Hong Kong and I am in London). I am not angry we separated or because we broke up; I feel it is time to separate and grow as individuals as well. However, I don’t agree with the way he has handled the situation at all. At this point, I am okay. I am accepting and handling the grieving process pretty well; I am naturally doing everything I am supposed to be doing, which caught me by surprise!
I have been following the NC rule very well, and most of all, I remind myself every minute (I have to because it is alwayssss on my mind) that studying in Europe is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I have to embrace it while I am here.
However, I don’t want to feel this guilt. I seriously feel like I was the best girlfriend a girl could be and I gave more love than one could give to another. Thus, I don’t really have guilt about what I could have done differently in the relationship (and when I do because…well that’s just my nature…I tell myself to STOP). I am tired of thinking and trying to make sense of everything. I almost feel liberated. For the first time in 3 years, I can make a decision for myself without having to think about him (I just always did, and I don’t regret it; I always happy to do so in the moment, but I am 21 and I need some time for myself and to re-define my identity as an individual). He, on the other hand, is trying to pursue a new relationship during his time there.
I just want to know, is there any time that releasing those feelings of anger is okay? I didn’t get to say anything I would have said in person (the last words he said to me in person were I love you, and I will see you in 5 months), and it has all happened so fast and he just acts like a completely different person. He has always been loving and sweet to me and now he acts like he seriously lost nothing; again, one can accept, but acceptance does not mean it does not hurt! And it’s not like I am blind and that he had fallen out of love before we separated and I just didn’t want to accept it; trust me, it was there (everyone tells me, from my friends to my parents). I don’t want to feel like I gave endlessly and he can go on and easily replace me after a month with a relationship that is going to have to end anyways in 2 months! I am so confused =(
I am so sorry if this didn’t make sense or it just sounds like rambling. However, I do feel that I need to get over that feeling of guilt (I wrote that email a few days after we broke up because he wrote my mom an email and because he wanted to continue talking) in order to have closure and be able to move on.
Thank you so much.
-Jess
I also wanted to note:
I was in a state of shock for the way he had made me the main component of his life for 3 years and the way he was shutting me out after a month (idk if it’s because he’s in a new place?) that I just felt vulnerable and did not react like my normal self. There was no ugly fight or falling out. I felt manipulated and like he was stringing me along because he told me he still loves me and nothing has changed, but his “romantic” side tells him to live in the present and to pursue a new relationship. I told him that if he didn’t want to sleep around that is fine and that if he wants to have a fling and get to know someone that is great, but can’t he tell the difference between a fling and something that you have built for 3 years?
I guess I’m having a hard time because I am not an “angry” person and I go by an “All You Need is Love” philosophy, so i am having a difficult time experiencing feelings of hate, and more, having shown them to someone I have care so deeply about.
I fear regret of showing anger/hate =(
Okay, so I realize this blog is really old, but it seems to have some recent responses so maybe I’ll get some helpful advice.
I would normally turn to my friends, but most of my friends didn’t really believe how much I liked this girl in the first place. My friends are great, but I feel like I would get some biased opinion or they would think that I’m being over-dramatic.
Here’s the low-down on my relationship history. I dated a girl for four years in high school, she broke up w/ me, I got over it over the summer before college. Since College, I have dated maybe 2 or 3 girls for short periods of time but nothing serious.
I just turned 24 two months ago and the night of my bday I saw a girl out at the bars in my hometown who I knew in high school and was a couple years younger than me. I always had a thing for her, and we talked every once in awhile online since then, but nothing ever came of it. After that night, she came to visit me at school and we hit it off. She’s funny and smart (not to mention out of my league looks-wise if you ask me) and I just really liked her a lot.
She goes to school about 3 hours away from me so I knew it would be tough to start a relationship. Nevertheless we decided not to date but “to be exclusive” and not date anyone else. That was her choice of words, not mine, I would’ve liked to be officially BF/GF. For 2 months we texted each other every day at least 50 times, chatted online frequently, and talked on the phone. We visited each other every weekend since then and kept getting closer, kissing, sleeping over, cuddling, not quite sex but we talked about it, etc. She would tell me she liked me so much and how great I was and it was going great. It was honestly the happiest I’ve been in a long time. I’m not the kind of guy that goes on a lot of dates or pursues women so this was a big deal to me.
Now about a week ago she texted me at 5:00 AM saying we should probably “just be friends.” I woke up and was devastated. She called the next day and explained that she just couldn’t handle the distance and thought it wouldn’t work. I tried my best to talk my way out of it but now we’re officially done.
Since that day, I’ve been a wreck. I’ve been pretty good on the no-contact rule but I feel like I could crack. I haven’t texted or called, but I sit on facebook all day waiting for her to be on just to see if she’ll talk to me. I never start the conversations but she will pop in and say “hello, what’s up, how have you been?” I try to stay civil but I feel like I just want to rip into her one of these times.
I’ve honestly stayed in my room and laid in bed everyday since that day and I only get out when I have to do something like go to class or work. I haven’t talked but a few words to my roommates but they are starting to get concerned. My best friend/roommate tried to talk to me today about it, but I just told him “I’m fine” and he left my room. I’m just waiting for the depression to go away, but it doesn’t seem likely soon.
I know that it was a short relationship to be this upset about it, but I just feel like we had more than the length of time we spent together suggests.
Thanks for reading if you still are. Any thoughts or suggestions? I’m really at a loss here and I am just broken right now, I’m not myself.
Kevin,
Break ups suck but its not worth wasting your life on facebook for. I suggest spending some time thinking about why you will take scraps of conversation from her instead of making your own life.
You have more worth for your life than she is.
Stay away from facebook and the pain will lessen cos you won’t be picking at it.
You can do this – one day you will look across your bed and see someone there who loves you. Get out and find her and don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t want you back.
Take care x
Hintofred,
Thanks for the response and good advice. Staying off fbook is easier said than done because I do have other friends that I enjoy chatting with.
I liked what you said about taking scraps of conversation from her instead of making my own life. I should be hanging with my friends at times like these, or playing guitar or basketball or anything to keep my mind busy. I think what would be best is to either delete her as a friend or to simply go offline when she is on. I will try to abide by this in the coming weeks, we’ll see how it goes. Thanks again!
Kevin
“If it’s dead, bury it. Don’t sleep with it.” Beautifully put.
Kevin it feels so important at the time, but when you look back this was just one relationship that didn’t work. There is a girl out there who will just adore you and it will just WORK without any huge effort. Don’t try to bring things back to life that are over. If she acted like this – for her, for some reason, it’s not the time. So the faster you let yourself move on and get involved in lots of other things and take lots of action – the faster things will move on.
Don’t WAIT around to get over it, that never works! Lots of activity is good, keep busy, and in the downtime let yourself just hang out with yourself and feel your feelings! Have fun and get busy … then just let yourself do nothing. But waiting for it to pass and doing nothing and lying round … that’s the hardest way to spend your time right now, don’t do that! Trust me!
If you take lots of action you will respect yourself and other people will respect you for what you are doing, it’s a win-win thing. And you will get somewhere for all that action. And your new life will start unfolding. When you are by yourself start dreaming about the new life you really want to create … the clearer you can be the better. Be incredibly good to yourself and treat yourself well, eat well and get enough sleep … but also get out there and get involved in things. Your life is waiting for you!
Lola
I have just gotten out of a relatuionship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. We have agreed that continued contact is making us both miserable. I do love him very much, and I am having an incredibly hard time moving on with my life. Help!
What an awesome line … “Dont mistake Grief for Love” … this is what I have been doing .. it made so much sense
I am only 3 days into my separation from my wife of 4 years , and 8 years of being together.. I called for the divorce ..and made this decision about 3 months ago .. but have only acted on it in the last month … I expect many months of anguish ahead..
The no contact rule is tough , especially with financial and other issues to resolve ..it seems impossible not to talk on a daily basis .. the next issue I am finding I am dealing with is Guilt … guilt for ending it .. for bad things said and done by both parties ..
I found I also completely forgot why I wanted to get a divorce…and then back to the guilt for not trying harder… I have to go back to my journals to realize that its over and better for me in the future… this is the hardest to accept..
The difficult part is that I am away from home and friends and family , in a foreign location on contract, without a support base … its hard to focus … I know they say time heals .. but could someone please speed up the clock ..
I know the feeling all to well of wanting to speed up the clock. I am about 10 days into my seperation and am feeling each second of every minute tick by. Everyone in my life tells me to just give it time and that it will get better, but I find their comments to be totally useless. There is such a big difference between knowing something in your head and knowing it in your heart; I intelectually understand that I will feel better with time, but emotionally, I feel like I am drowning in the pain, anger, and fear. Adding to the overwhelming feelings is the knowledge that he left me to be with another woman, whom he now lives with, and that, while I sit in our house eating my weight in Ben & Jerry’s, he is climbing into bed next to someone new and doesn’t have to feel the full weight of his actions. It’s so hard, when I lay in bed, alone, crying myself to sleep, to know that he is with someone new; I feel angry and constantly have the “IT’S NOT FAIR” tape playing, which isn’t helpful to me at all. I don’t want to let him continue to have control over my life, but I don’t know how to get past the feelings of being totally screwed over.
Any advice from anyone out there who has been through something similar?
Hello Jessica,
I just read your response after posting my own and I started to cry, I don’t think for now my man created this drama to be with someone else but it is hard to go from coming home to someone everynight and having someone to hold you as you sleep to crying yourself to sleep at night because of the absence you now have to face and it’s so hard, even going about everyday chores or errands, to eating out alone, to going to the movies on your own; I am crying as I type because loneliness is settling in and it seems like the other person has gotten off easy but if they are human, trust me they are always second guessing and when things get sour in their current efforts to move on, just know that you are thought about no matter what is said or how foul things seem, one day our prince and princesses will come and this will be a distant memory, I know we all want to be loved because that is all I want is a man to love me unconditionally.
Rochelle and Leslie:
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I find that each day is different as far as what emotions I feel and how hurt I am. But I am also finding that I cry a little less each day and, somedays, I don’t cry at all, which is a nice change. I have worked very hard to change the look of the house we shared and to make it feel more like my own and now I am working on keeping myself busy outside the house, as you suggested. For the time being, I am taking a second job just as a way to meet people and to be away from the memories.
The biggest obsticle I have right now is dealing with feeling very insignificant. That’s why the comments from you, Rochelle, touched me very deeply. It’s hard to think that I gave my all to this man and that he left anyway, for a woman who dumped him not very long ago, none-the-less; it makes me feel like what I give doesn’t really matter. But, in the midst of the pain and darkness that I am feeling, it really does comfort me to think that maybe, just maybe, he isn’t sure about the decision he made and that, maybe someday, he will regret the decision. Even better yet, I hope that, when he does finally regret the decision, I am happy in a new relationship and can show him that he didn’t destroy me; in fact, I want him to see that he made me stronger.
Too all the people who visit this site in hopes of finding some comfort, I tell you, it can be found, in spite of the aching hole in your heart that you currently feel. While I am not there yet, I hope that, in the near future, I will be able to look back on this pain and see how strong and significant I truly am. I will not let this define me, nor will I let it determine my worth as a person and as a woman. So what he didn’t want me; someone else will and they will be much more deserving of the love I have to give.
Keep the faith alive!!
hi jessica
i know exactally how you feel! my boyfried of 2 1/2 years and i just broke up last week, 5 hours later i found hard proof he’d been cheating. and now i’m alone suffering while he and his new girl (ironically named jessica !! ) are blissly in love. it’s so agravating. espeically since he’s had this done to him before and know how it feels. yet he did it to me all the same! i know what you mean about time going by so slowly. the only advice i have is to keep yourself busy. i find that the busier i keep myself the faster time goes by. now i have these 15 minute periods when i don’t think about it at all, which is leaps and bounds above where i was a few days ago, crying every 10 minutes…
are you journaling? i’ve been doing that a lot. it helps so much. and whenever i want to call him i send an email to my friend who was in the same situation a year and half ago. she is like my second diary! it’s wonderful…i would go to your friends, they often understand better than you’d think.
hang in there! and know that this is happening to a lot of people. and has already happened to a lot of people, who have gotten over it. this is my first experience with so much deliberate hurt, it’s difficult for me to deal with. i understand that it seems neverending (the pain), but just trust your brain right now, it will get better. probably later rather than soon, but one day you’ll realize it was for the best. these dudes don’t know how to love us! they’re not worth it!!!!!
SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME! READ IF U WILL
Although I know that the situations are all similar, my problem seems to be complicated, talking is the best medicine. I work in a club environment and have been when I met my now ex boyfriend, I work in this club because it allows me to attend classes full time, so I do have ambitions and goals, I do my work and come home; we hit it off pretty good until his problems started to affect what we had. I found out he was still sleeping with his ex girlfriend who made her way to my doorstep one day and an ex-wife of only 1 month, who not only was he still sleeping with but she had lied about her contraceptive method and trapped him into having a baby after their split up almost 2 years earlier. Like a fool I overlooked all wrongdoings, to occassional women calling his phone which were people he dated and they just didn’t know how to let go(which is the same for both the ex wife and ex girlfriend), did I mention he was a big time momma’s boy and he is not the only child, the locked phone method which he was doing before we were even serious and the occassional “baby momma drama” from both of his kids from separate people. All the joys from the stress I put up with and overlooked because I wanted to be with only him, I even showed my ultimate act of faith by moving in with him and helping him out with his bills when the economy tanked upon him losing his job, and even though he verbally abused me with his insecurities and jealousies and thoughts of mistrust involving past indiscretions to sleeping with other men or looking at other men, I still carried on to prove my loyalty. I helped him out for a few months until he got a job working at the gym he frequented finally. He started to take control of his personal responsibilities and the tension was off me, when his home was to be foreclosed on, we talked of moving to another place together so that he, his son, my daughter and I would live as a family. Mind you I am still dealing with the occassional stress and drama from the ex-wife and her efforts to get him back, to her even spotting me driving his car and following me one day, I had suspicions if they were still sleeping together but I tried not to dwell on that and ruin it even more. One day he calls me and tells me that he heard a rumor that could no way be true and insted of believing me or seeking to find the truth, he takes the guys word as being more credible and there was nothing I could do to save the relationship. Despite numerous efforts and rebuttals and even disspelling the mans story to what I dealt with and was showing him throughout this process, yet he still says he is confused because he only had to hear something 1 time. I loved this man so much that I go out of my way to please him and keep him happy, I don’t go out, I cook, clean and cater to him, I have even put up with his stress and now he believes otherwise because of what 1 person has said. We just split up, it hasn’t been a week, but I realize that I cannot live without him despite his “BS”, he is a very stubborn and self absorbed individual with tons of pride. He claims that he has already moved on but he wants to get his life together, we can be friends but no reconciliation. It is so unfair because I feel as if he did not give me a chance to prove myself or seek the truth in the matter, he should have sat me down with this guy to get to the bottom of this whole ordeal but he felt that this wasn’t right even though our relationship depended on it, if there ever was such a person or he was seeking his way out. I said I wasn’t going to contact him but it hurts so much cause now I had to move back with family and start all over again, I would never have compromised what we had to come back to a life of solitude although much needed peace. I find comfort in just refraining from mentions of the past and keep it positive when I contact him and make sure he is aware that I am around and I still have hope although he claims he doesn’t miss me; and although he says I am not bothering him I will not call as much until I find someone and move on(reverse psychology), which I know is a lie because if I had not been the one to move out, he still wanted us to move to our pending place only to have an open relationship and split the bills, I could not imagine the thought of going through with that and when he said it I burst into tears, went to sleep, and left the next morning. I have had thought of suicide but if it had not been for my child, I am trying to go day by day; I can’t sleep at night, I am literally awakened by what seems like knots in my stomach, I am suffering because this was unjust. What do you do now that it is actually over after something so weak can destroy our bond and I am suddenly a part of his past……..
I’ve had situation that’s quite similar to everyone’s stories here.
I recently had to cut off contact with a good friend of mine because of my feelings for her. I had known her since middle school and got reacquainted with her about two years ago since we lived in the same city. We hung out a few times and I developed feelings for her. I asked her out on a date, and got neither a yes or no answer. She basically said we can “hang out some more and see what happens.”
It was at that moment that I should’ve just lowered expectations and maybe even walk away. Of course, I didn’t. I kept hanging out with her because 1) I took her at her word and thought maybe something could happen, 2) I had just moved to a new city and she was literally the only person I knew, so I was desperate to have something to do, and 3) I had known her for a long time and always personally liked her.
Little by little, I concluded that this girl was simply toxic. Long story short, the girl I knew from middle school had completely changed. Even though she would occasionally do kind things, I truly believe she was completely stringing me along, probably to boost her self-esteem.
I had distanced myself from her a bit over the past year, but I made the mistake of adding her to Facebook, which turned out to be the last straw. I just couldn’t be exposed to her world, because even though she has a toxic personality, deep down I’ll also always have feelings for her.
She would still send me texts and emails every now and then, and I felt it would stall any progress I was making. I went out with other girls, but I always felt I was in rebound mode so to speak; I now knew I had to resolve any feelings I had with my friend and move on.
I sent her a respectful, mature note that I had to cut-off contact and removed her from Facebook, and she basically lashed out at me. I haven’t talked to her since.
That was about two months ago, and even though I felt I did the right thing, it’s constantly on my mind.
My one regret is not nipping this in the bud when it became apparent that she wasn’t that into me. Guys and gals, if you ask him or her out and they don’t give you a yes, you need to move on.
My Fiance and I had been together for 12.5 years. Late March this year we were about to get our home renovated. It had been stressful leading up to the work for both of us. Then on the day the work started, my Fiance left – disappeared and has ignored me, my calls, my texts. It’s been 6 weeks now. He has Bipolar Disorder and this seems to be common behaviour when not properly medicated – and the renovations appear to be his ‘trigger’.
If our relationship had ended by him telling me, to my face, then that would have been upsetting enough but I’d have learned to accept that it was over. However, his disappearance and failure to even have the decency to tell me to my face is the thing that stops me from getting over it. Thinking of that alone has the tears flowing.
How does one learn to accept a relationship is over when the partner hasn’t told them?
Sam, he told you by his actions that it is over. No words would ever be enough anyway.
You deserve so much better than to be abandoned in this way. Right now you still seem to be excusing his behavior because of his medical condition. This is such an easy trap to fall into. I believe my ex has a serious personality disorder but that doesn’t excuse his behavior in leaving me and our children.
Accept that he is not coming back and try to move on. Susan has a good section in her book about wanting answers and how they never would be enough anyway. We will never understand why they did what they did, but it doesn’t matter. The focus has to be on you.
Hi VioletMist – Yes, you’re absolutely right. I do feel like I have been excusing his actions because of his mental illness, mostly because I thought after 12.5 years I knew this man and that I deserve much more than a disappearing act. I guess he really is the jerk that I’ve been excusing all this time and I do deserve better. I just need to remember that everyday and hope that my last thoughts at night and first thoughts in the morning AREN’T about him anymore. He’s not worth the tears I’ve cried.
After getting divorced from a long marriage, I became reacquainted with an old high school sweetheart. The mental and physical attraction was immediate, but she was married. Despite this we began what was the most romantic, loving and intense relationship. I’ve never believed in soulmates, but damn this was wierd. Just undeniable strange events linked us. She explained that she had already been planning to leave her husband and had decided to do it at the first of the year. At the first of the year she didn’t leave because she said of some financial holdings that had to be invested. I struggled with her going home to another man every night but she would always assure me that I was the one she loved.
Now it’s May and I finally lost all my composure. I just couldn’t bear it anymore. I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t just leave. Her husband knew something was going on and told her to make a decision. Her decision to me was that she still had things to do but also still had a plan. I told her husband of the affair. She got pissed and blocked my text and calls. I don’t know what has happened with her and her husband. Did he leave ( i don’t think he would) or did she finally leave? I don’t know and it’s killing me to know that I have hurt her and she won’t talk with me. I’m trying hard not to call her home or work. I just love her and know I really screwed up.
Hi
i have been in ar ealtionship for two years. My guy friend told me last week that he liked his co-worker and she felt the same way. i had 3 dreams that he was cheating on me but i didnot really want to say anything. For 2 weeks he would come home and just sleep i remember we would talk about everything. Well i will keep this short he finally told me he had feelings for one of his workers and he wanted space so i broke it off alotogether he now knocks on my door leave me food, and notes of how his day was. I want to move on with my life but it seems so hard what should i do i have had no contact since the breakup besides for him trying to talk to me should i talk to him and take the gifts and food i just hate it because i see his lover everyday at work n it hurts. what should i do ?? I really dont know if they are together but i kinda care n dont i know i need to move on.
Dear Ms. Lonely
I had a similar situation with my ex he had been seeing his ex without me knowing, I had abandoned my life to help him fix his house, which was 2 1/2 hours away from mine.
I went there every week and helped him paint, caulk, clean, plant ..you name it. He also would just come in bed and sleep, make up excuses of why he did not want to have sex.
It is no clear that he was seeing the other. When I found out I ended things, and he kept on writing me emails sending me pictures of how he was painting the house and how the plants that I planted were growing. It is now one month and a half since NC and it hurts terribly. What I have now is the feeling that I am standing up for myself, giving me the worth that he did not! I suggest that you tell him to STOP it will send a clear message to him, but most of all it will send a message to YOU that this type of behavior has consequences. You choose, you loose. Go on with your life.
Miss Lonely and B with a Z,
NC is so hard at first, but it’ll get easier with time ! Stick with it. Miss Lonely, you do NOT need to talk to him or accept anything. Like B with a Z said : he made a bad choice and should live with the consequences now. Who cares if he is with that girl or not ? What you should care about is that he hurt you. That’s all you need to know. If he regrets it now – tough luck. Don’t settle for a guy who will leave you or get confused every time he feels like something better may be around the corner. If he can’t be grown up and treat you with the respect you deserve … there’s only one thing to do : to say good riddance to bad rubbish. Don’t settle for this loser. You deserve better.
I’m not sure if I would tell him he needs to stop it though. Telling him this, or writing an e-mail even with such a simple message can lead into him responding. You need NC – so don’t tell him anything. Don’t acknowledge his attempts. Just IGNORE. It’s the safest, and the best for you !
Hugs to you both.
B with a Z i really apprecaite you responding. I have to work with the both of them its hard i try to avoid them both as much as possible. I’am deployed to iraq so this is something i have todill with every single day there is no exscape. I wish that i could crawl up and just protect myself but i have to be strong for myself and for the People i work for . He is still emailing and knocking and leaving food. Always things i love but i leave it there i dont touch it. In his emails he talks about his Grandmother/Family he knows i love them and they have took me as thier own. I dont have a family so this really hurts me. I cannot let the family go and he knows. when we broke up i told him dont tell them anything about this just leave. So here i’am i dont know what to do but i will do the NC thing as long as it takes to heal. Its very hard i will be going to a new state to buy a house in MAR and his mom is in that state she has my Dog and they are all so excited. I still want to buy my house all the things we planed i still want them with out him. What should i do? Also he has alot of my things which i want back. I talked with Grandma today (HIS before she was mine) and she says on im so happy that you to are moving i hate lying to her but i said yes me to granma. I have to lie o his mom and sister and grandmother i hope they dont hate me for it later.
Mea Vita,
Thanks i needed that please read the email i sent to Bwith a Z. I honestly Love him but i can no longer take the pain. Sometimes i want to let him in and get revenge make him tell her exactly what i know he wants to tell me. But what will it prove nothing. I will still not want him how can you not want someone and want them at the same time?? The No Contact thing is Hard Hard Hard. However I have to keep on Pushin..smile. And i sure will. Im excited about my new life after this deployment but like i told you before i work with both this is something i cant change. but i want to ask is no cobntact broken if he grabs my shoulder or tries his best to talk to me i dont say a word n i hurry n get out of site but i feel like Im hidding. really him coming on so strong is turning me off even more i never thought i would be saying this about him. Its been 8 days no converstations he has tried Contact everyday for 3 days I Pray i Heal and i Pray he moves on.
i have a question for you 2 and anyone else who reading?? Why does someone feel the need to move on and not even within a week want to come back?
Why did they leave or cheat in the 1st place?
How can someone who tells you they are never going to leave or lie ?
Leave and LIe?
How can you go from being appreciated to being ignored?
Honestly I believe i love to hard and give to much.
I always told myself i would not fall in love again
Miss Lonely,
I was wondering about that myself. And I’ve thought about it before, and maybe the way we are perceived and treated by someone else (whether someone leaves us, loves us, or not, etc.) has more to do with them and less to do with us. Maybe we haven’t changed, but they have, or the way they perceive us has.
I don’t know how else to explain “How can you go from being appreciated to being ignored?”.
Sleepless,
Its a mystery to me. Honstly i think we have to appreciate and love ourseleves. i know if i loved myself the way i loved him i would be happy without him thats my goal to love me so tough. To embrace myself I find myself thinking about what hes doing and who hes with? When i do i say why im i givng him my time? Thats my time now. so i Pray and i try so hard not to think about him its hard cause he knocks n he leave gifts n food everynight. Why i dont knw but i cant say i dont feel happy that he knocks because i know he is ok and i know he cares i never answer but i want to move on i dont want to be hurt anymore. But honestly i dont know why people change they just do.
Miss Lonely and Sleepless,
You’re both trying to answer a question that cannot be answered. Who knows why people act like this ? There may be a plethora of reasons why they do what they do but the bottom line is : it doesn’t matter why they do it.
I understand how difficult it is to find logic in their reasoning, but the bottom line is that you will probably never figure it out. This too is something that you need to accept. You should try to let go of asking these kinds of questions, as they do nothing but drain your energy, which is better spent on working on yourself.
You should look at what is real here : their behaviour, and how it hurt you. EVERYTHING else simply DOES NOT MATTER. Every time you start wondering – keep telling yourself ! It doesn’t matter ! Don’t try to live inside their head. It’s a waste of perfectly good time during which you can work on healing yourself.
Susan has written some posts on this on the site … Read them over some time.
Hugs to you both.
Mea Veta , Sleepless, and all Others,
I want to let you guys know that i appreciate your time. I dont have anyone i can really talk to about this. Thanks from the bottom of my heart. Well i feel this is the hardest thing i have ever had to do reject him and cease all of our plans for the future in my mind i see that it will never work after what he has done to me. i will never forget but i have forgiven and i pray for him everyday ,that he is at peace and happy as i do for myself as well as all f u who are in pain. I also pray for the woman he likes. I dont want her to feel like i feel. He is hurting her already by coming to me and knocking on my door and bringing me gifts why would i ever want someone like this? I ask myself then i remember how far i have come how much i have achieved. And those achievements are a part of him and me we have what i would call foundation together and that makes it even harder. He is so smart and so wise he is 37 Im only 24 . I guess thats a given but he has to be the 1st man to ever want better for me and i have achieved so much. I dont want to lose that but i cant forget and in my mind unfaithfulness is like death any kind u dont have to have sex to cheat i know. He has proved that to me. I just want to find myself and be happy again like i only seemed to have been after meeting him not before and definetly not now.
Miss Lonely,
You’re already halfway there by realising that it won’t work after what he did. And YES, it hurts. I’ve been there too. I broke up with the Ex a year ago now, and tried to do the friendship thing until the end of August 2008. It became messy, messy business. Loads of unnecessary drama. If I would’ve just gone NC and stayed that way in April 2008, I’d have prevented some really ugly scenarios of becoming a reality.
Friendships after relationships just don’t work. The aftermath just makes it impossible. You’re hurt, comments are thrown around, situations grow out of control, and you end up at the bottom of the barrel !
So no matter how hard it is – IGNORE HIM ! Accepting the gifts or talking to him now, or trying to be friends will not make the fact that he hurt you go away. It’ll still be there – and those emotions will come to the surface sooner or later. It’s truly better for you to deal with them on your own.
Trust me when I tell you that this DOES get easier. The sooner you commit to the NC all the way – the faster you’ll start feeling like your own person again.
Even though he’s 37, he doesn’t sound so smart and wise to me. If he were smart and wise, he would understand that after what he did he needs to leave you be. He is 37 and very VERY selfish. Don’t sell yourself short ! You’re not doing so bad for your 24 years old. You’re making a stand and you’re saying no more ! That’s pretty damn wise in my book !
Keep coming here, keep posting, keep reading, keep involded. The support of this community will get you through.
Hang in there !!
Miss Lonely,
One more thing : seeing how you’re currently in Iraq : much much respect for you there !! Take good care of yourself and stay SAFE !!!!
Hi Mea Vita Thanks …. From the bottom of my heart. I do apprecaite it. Today he has emailed twice i do read the emails no responses on my part .Now in the subject line he says i need to speak with you ASAP. then the mess says email me back and i will tell you. Now I know if this was so important that i woud probably already know or he could have said it in the email so i just feel hes trying to find a way now. Which really hurts me because he is out here this other woman and still trying to get a chance. I feel for her .Shesat home thinking he thinks of only her and that she has took him from me only tofind he is right in the office typing me and thinking of me. This is of course in my mind i dont know thier realtionship maybe it ok for him to do this in her eyes or maybe hes not with her or hes not as hapy as he thought whatever the case. Like My Dear Mea Vita says I have to do me. I cannot worry about him so i’m moving forward by keeping no contact and not answering his emails.
Hello All,
I just found this website and there is great info here. I’m currently going through a break up…and it wasn’t a suprise that the realtionship came to an end.
We dated for a year and six months and the first six months or so were great…the” getting to know each other” stage. We got along, laughed etc….as time went on our differences seem to be at the forefront most of the time….you name it we were different. We just had a different out look in life. We both knew it and I wanted to continue to try to make things work, but the more we tried the more the fights, disagreements….soon that’s all we were doing is fighting…then we starting to see less and less of each other becasue we both knew it would just end up in a fight! I finally let go and that is the scariest thing for me to just let go and fall! He has a great heart and is a wonderful man, but in the end he wasn’t for me…and I hurt, I cry and I’m sad!
hi,
Shawna
It is very hard letting go someone you love take it from me im going thru it right as i type. You stated that you knew it would not work out and you saw it coming to an end. This is easier said than done. I think you should get all your crying out and try to move on because there is someone who will be on the same page as you even tho you love him. There is someone better for you as well as him. I know it hurts!!for me its hurts to breath to walk to stand and worst to sleep. I have a dream everynight so read my situation and give me tips and i will give you tips as long as you need them…smile. try to pick yourself up today and do something nice for someone that helps me out alot. Talk to people who really care about you and can make you laught.
When I feel strong I think that being rejected by anyone is not worth getting sick over – physically or emotionally. There are plenty of other people that want to be loved out there.
Although, this is when I think about it from sort of a detached point of view. When I think about it from an attached point of view is when I feel the pain of the loss.
You are in the process of detaching. Hang in there–feeling the pain of the loss is normal and necessary. Gradually the sense of being detached from it will get stronger and stronger until it doesn’t hurt anymore. It’s kind of up and down and back and forth for awhile; how long is different for everyone. Treat yourself WELL and hang in there!
Thanks for your comments Miss Lonely!!
Yeah today at work I had to go step about from my desk, I needed to cry and let it out! I spoke to a co-worker about things and cried more. This whole process is so hard…I keep thinking maybe I can call, but know that isn’t right we didn’t get along and the pain would go away, but only for a very short time! I recently got back into working out, as I took time off becasue of school (part-timer nights)…I know working out helps with the healing process…so right now my mind and body are taking a beating…well it feels like that to me anyway.
I also read your postings…and by keeping your distance by not responsing to emails etc I think this the right thing to do…you need to look after yourself…he made his choices he has to live with them..those are his issues and problems to deal with not your concern anymore.
Take care,
Shawna
Hi,
I am just recently out of a relationship. (about a month) It was verbally/emotionally abusive from both sides, his and mine. “Co-dependent” maybe. Also, I hide behind my online anonymity as I admit, there were many an object hurled and broken by me. He was the passive aggressive, and I was the raging lunatic. The only work he did was at work, not in our home, not in our relationship. A lot of his hurtful actions were subconscious, but I really, really raked him over the coals for it, putting him down every time I was hurt by his, selfish, inconsiderate nature. It is weird to love someone so tremendously, yet when I was hurt I grew horns and all hell broke loose. I was hurt enough before I met him I was tired of being quiet, submissive, sad, mopey; I got mad instead.
The break-up was mutual, because as much as we love each other we know we are not in a healthy situation. I just got the book and it has already been a god-send, thank you. I agree with the NC rule but my question (or maybe excuse) is that I really, really want to apologize. I was so terrible. I feel so bad for hurting him. I know reconciliation is not possible and I don’t care if I get nothing in return -really. Would an apology be productive?
Your “apology” is to become/be the best you that you can be and to gift the universe with this wonderful person (you). Wanting to give a direct apology IS an excuse to make contact. Live with the quiet and lack of drama that is NC for a long while. Today or this week you may feel like you owe and apology, but you may feel differently tomorrow or next week. Don’t you already know what happens with him when you do overfunction? I highly doubt that you wouldn’t eventually feel ticked off or slighted for having apologized for your “stuff” in the relationship since he is unlikely to own up to his stuff and apologize (in other words, reciprocate) in a way that would satisfy you. If he could do that now, he would have done that THEN and you would not have been angry with him over and over again.
Focus on you. Work on you. Take your time to grieve, heal and grow. Then show the world who you really are, not him.
You are right. Thank you so much. I am still “overfunctioning” even though we have ended it. I have to let him pick up his own pieces. stop “mothering” the boy. I will bury the notion of apology and any further contact. Its so hard. i am in the phase of fantasizing the relationship, remembering the good and forgetting the bad. I will keep reading. Thanks!
How does the one who ends the relationship detach so easily? How do they do their detaching while still in the relationship and appear normal?
We have no way of knowing exactly what they are going through after the breakup. Their process is their business, as much as it hurts and feels weird to go through our grieving without them and they without us. It’s the way it needs to be. If they seem to be “fine”, it doesn’t mean they are. If they are going on as if they were fine without any healing process, they are avoiding pain and the shortcut will one day come back to bite them you know where. Some people never slow down and process a loss and run from pain and depth of feeling their whole lives or for many years. Again, none of that is our business. Don’t worry about him. Worry about you. What he is or is not doing is not about you, not a reflection of you, and says nothing about your past with him. Today and every day after this is about you and you living a better life. Heal yourself. Let go and do your best to live in today and focus on you.
Kathy,
I so needed to read this. This week is an anniversary of sorts for me (he and I took a trip together around this same year) and I have been thinking about him and wondering if he’s been affected at all by losing me. He has admitted in his last communication with me that breakups are hard for him and he he tends to hide from his feelings and deals with them at a later time. Your response was just what I needed to read. I think Susan also has a post about “is anyone missing me”. I’m going to look for that too. But thank you for what you posted above. It’s exactly what I need to tell myself. -E
Ooops, I meant to say that he and I took a trip together around this same time last year (and it was a great trip).
Hi there, this website is awesome.
Need a little advice if possible. I went out with a calculating, lying, passive aggressive male for a year and a half. He lived in my flat with me for about a year of that. Whilst we shared good times, it’s quite clear we were totally unsuitable for each other and broke up a month ago. It was quite a nasty, messy break up.
I have no want or desire to see him again, but we have mutual friends at the place we both work at (he’s still there, I work somewhere else now, but still know the same group of people).
Being that he is a lying, manipulative, horrid person, I am worried he’s changing history and giving stories to people that exonerate his awful behaviour that lead to the break up, therefore making me look like the villain. I notice his friends (not mutual ones) are dropping me on Facebook as friends. Probably for the best, but I suspect he is really trying to humiliate me. He’s very clever and I’ve seen his manipulative and deceitful ways before in other circumstances.
I don’t want to seek revenge, I completely wish to disentangle myself from his life. But part of me will always be in the same (logistically speaking) place via mutual friends. And I am pretty sensitive. So wondering how best to not worry about his post-breakup story telling…any advice greatly received! I don’t want to have my personal or work reputation ruined!
Hello Louis. I’d ignore it, and just do your own thing.
Most people will pick-up that’s he’s lying/manipulating etc. And if he spreads his private business all over the work environment he isn’t going to look that good anyway (nothing wrong with the odd word to a friend you work with, but not everything).
If he does that, people may listen/join-in but they will think “what does he say about me when I’m not around?”
I don’t think your reputation will be ruined, professionals will care about your work and not if someone is trying to spread gossip.
You may find though that some mutual friends will choose one side over the other in the long-run, probably unavoidable.
kalley- I have wanted to the same thing all week apologize for what i did to lead him to finally end it. I was like you, i wanted change and went to the point of yelling, throwing things and fighting in a way that was foriegn to him. he never owned up to anything which made me even more angry. I have layed up at night convinced i would call in the morning and poor my heart out to apologize knowing it is not to get back together but to reassure him of the kind person i really am. But bottome line, it doesn’t matter and i would not get an apology from him for all that he is done to contribute to my insecurity and anger. You have to trust what susan and everyone is saying even though you will question “they weren’t in my relationship, they don’t really know him or how we use to be together” i have done this to but i know i have to trust the system that has been layed out here on this website.
lisalisa- I think about this every second of everyday. How can he detach so easily, we were engaged to be married and he treats it as though it was a few month relationship instead of a 4 year commitment of forever. He is out, going away, buying things, treating people to dinner and i am in a ball crying for much of the past 4 weeks. he says he had been thinking about ending it for 2 months and during those 2 months we went away, had great times, had great sex, but in his mind the bad fights went into another column that lead him to end it without ever telling me he had these thoughts. I just try to think that one day he will feel the pain and loss even if he is avoiding right now and if he never does then he must not have meant all those things he said anyway. either way it doesn’t matter, it’s over and i am trying to get out of the first and second stage of grieving. i go back and forth as will many of us but i just hope it all gets better soon.
danielle,
there is just something so comforting in knowing others are going through the same thing! thanks for the encouragement. I am over the apology thing, I dont “owe” him anything. Hope the feeling doesnt return.
lisalisa,
when my x just moved out every time we talked on the phone, there was always laughing and music in the background. drove me crazy! he is in his early thirties and has moved in with two guys i call the “frat boys” because as they are graduates in their mid-twenties, they still seem so immature and irresponsible compared to the lifestyle that bananahead and me had together. So he left me for that? grrr. What I wanted to say is that no matter how they are acting, they are almost assuredly hurting too. Men are better at hiding emotions. If they really are not hurt, then they are just not in touch with themselves enough to feel the grief and as Susan writes, it will only come back around in the future a whole lot worse for them. The most important thing really is to use this as a catalyst for change within yourself so you/we dont keep attracting guys like this!!
Kally
In a way i feel comfort that so many are going through this but it also scares me very much. That so many couples don’t make it or can’t work on it and so many men decide on their own to end it. I was able to give you good advice but then walked outside and cried for 30 min. I am going through so much emotional pain right now that i don’t know what’s up or down. I move out of our house tomorrow and start driving back to nj from texas and even though i know it’s been over for 4 weeks there is something so final about shutting the door and leaving the key on the counter. I have no direction in life right now and i did have so much to do in his descision to end things but never had the opportunity to work on my part. Now i guess that is all i have, the chance to work on my part for me just not for our relationship and our engagement. it all sounds great to type but it’s getting myself to believe that is what i have to do and try to block out thoughts of him.
Danielle,
My heart goes out to you. I will definitely be thinking about you tomorrow as you head back to NJ. That’s a long drive. I hope you have a safe journey. I don’t know if this will help or not, but already it seems to me like you are moving forward little by little. Just an observation from an outsider. I’m sorry for the pain you are in now. You’re going to make it through this! -E
My heart to you as well. They say grieving is a back and forth journey to healing. When you get back to NJ, why dont you join a yoga class? I keep telling myself I am. It is a great stress relief but it takes a couple classes to get into it. Or get into a hobby, journal, read. I just got the book Getting Over Your Break-up yesterday and it has helped tons already. Take it in small steps, day by day or hour by hour.
Remember: “This too shall pass.”
I have been looking on the web at a lot of posts relating to dealing with break-ups and I think this is one of the most helpful pages of advice I have found.
The past 6 weeks have been devastating for me. I’m Irish and my wife is American, we got to know each other online about three years ago. After 6 months of talking, we met up for the first time in Boston for a few days and both realised that we had huge chemistry together. We weren’t sure what to do do next seeing as we lived so far apart but we stayed in contact and met up again, this time in Ireland 3 months later. My wife then proposed that we get married so that we could be together as obviously, othewise, immigration laws would prevent us from being together.
We got married two years ago now and the plan was initially that my wife would come with her son to live with me here in Ireland. She came here to live last year with her son. Things were difficult for her as in she missed home a lot more than she thought she would and her son had a particular issue in school here so after 3 months, she decided to bring her son back to the States to live with her parents and attend his old school there.
She returned after two weeks and we lived together here again up until Christmas. She unfortunately didn’t have much luck finding work as the recesession was already kicking in over here. I knew she was finding things difficult and always did my best to bring her away on weekends, sometimes to other European cites or just around Ireland.
In the end, we decided that we should just head for the States so the plan was for her to go back at Christmas and look for work and file for my Green Card. In November, she told me that she really wanted me to come over with her at Christmas to spend it with her family.
It was very hard saying goodbye after Christmas and she told me she didn’t want me to leave. I really didn’t want to leave either but not having the Green Card, I couldn’t really be in the States as I wouldn’t be able to work. I told her to just file for the Green Card and we’d be together soon.
I returned to Ireland, worked as usual, we were in contact every day by phone and email. She often told me how much she loved me and missed me as did I. She filed for my Greencard. In February, I sent here $6000 dollars to help her buy a car which would help her secure employment. We sent each other Valentines gifts.
She sent me emails in February telling me how she thinks of me all the time and how here love for me was ’strong and true’. Her new job was in a new area, away from her family and as I found out later, during her first proper month of work, she really began to let her hair down, going out socialising a lot etc.
She told me on the 18th April that she didn’t feel she was in love with me anymore, this was a massive hammer blow for me as I didn’t see it coming. I knew she was becoming distant in March which was making me nervous but I just thought that it was work related, stress from the new job.
She told me that she hadn’t loved me in a long time but that she still really missed me. I was totally confused and still am. She told me that she loved hanging out with me, that she found me attractive, that she enjoyed our sex life but that she felt that with me, she wouldn’t feel fulfilled and felt that it wouldn’t be long before she’d be sneaking around if we were to be together.
Worse still is that she allowed me to book two flights for us to see each other in Torronto in May one week before telling me all this. Amazingly, during one of the phone calls after her revealations, she said to me that she still wanted to see me in Torronto. When I asked why she would, she said because she really missed me and just wanted to hold me! She also asked me ‘what if I realise I still love you’!!
I make a decision which was difficult, not to go to Torronto which made me very sad, especially during the days when I knew we should have met up. The main reason I didn’t go was that I knew that even if she had realised that she’d made a mistake, that I wouldn’t be in a position to move my life half way around the world for someone who could potentially do the same thing to me again at some other stage. Of course, I lost the money also on those flights as they were non refundable.
I’m coping and I guess each day is a little better. I am trying to abide by the rules set out in this article. I have stopped looking at here MySpace page, In the last blog she wrote, she spoke about dressing up like a slut to go dancing at a salsa club and exchanging contact info with some guy. Interestingly, during a phone call after she broke up with me, she had said that just because she is no longer with me, it doesn’t mean that she is available. Well this last blog didn’t seem to suggest that to me.
I have make a decision this week that I can no longer look at here blog. I have removed the history from my browser so I’d actually have to type in the url to view it. Every time I’m tempted to do so, I’m going to ask myself what good can come for me, from looking at this blog. The answer will always be ‘nothing’ and I hope that will be enough to stop me having a look. As I saw somewhere else, Avoid the Grape Vine, ignorance is bliss!
I’m kind of worried for the future, I’m worried that this experience may have caused me psychological damage.
She humiliated me by leaving me in the middle of the Green Card process after me telling everyone I know of our plans.
She accepted $8000 of my money to get set up over there, $6000 for the car 8 weeks before dumping me.
She insisted on me going over there at Christmas, which resulted in me bonding with her son even more, who I got on really well with actually.
She never contacts me now, she has thrown me away like a piece of rubbish, I can’t draw a parallel between the person I knew and the person she has become.
Like somebody said above, I’m all cried out, I’m tired of being angry. I’m going to direct my energies into things that mean something to me, a dancing class, Italian lessons, more travelling.
I’ll say one thing. there is truth in the benefit of spending time alone. You came into this world on your own and you’ll leave this world on your own. Be strong, forgive yourself if you feel you did something wrong as I’m trying to do now. I did for a while feel a terrible guilt for leaving her at Christmas but there was nothing I could do, she was miserable here and I didn’t have the Green Card to be over there yet.
I took a few days alone down in Spain, it was though but I feel it has created a buffer for me between the past and the future. Create milestones. Going to Spain was the first time I have passed through Dublin Airport since September 2006 that it didn’t have anything to do with my wife.
Writing this kind of feels theraputic. I have struggled with the rule that suggests not to look for answers. I have asked her for answers but none of it makes sense so I’m just going to have to leave it there. She did tell me that when she started working there, away from her family, it felt like how she’d imagined her life would have been years ago, so I think she just fell in love with the single life, the idea of doing whatever she wants when she wants but the funny thing about that is that I’m the most easy going guy in the world and as was always the way, I’d not have stood in the way of whatever she wanted to do.
Good luck to you all, if I come out the other side of this year in one piece, I’ll be doing well, lol.
Paul
Yes, this sounds terrible, Paul. Its scary that this can happen, because you took a really long time to get to know her and everything. I guess its true what they say that we barely know ourselves, and it is even harder to know someone else.
Best wishes.
Paul, you deserve much better than this. This Dance Queen (and I love to dance, but really, her behaviour is unimpressive) is deceitful, dishonest and unreliable. You don’t want this in a partner. You Don’t Want This. It’s actually good that you know this now – if this is her, you may as well see her in all her glory before it goes on any longer.
I had a similar thing happen, but the times were much shorter. Very romantic o/s romance, in my last week in the country. Emails, but weeks in between, then sooo romantic and asking when was I coming back etc. But no phone calls, no daily emails or anything. That should have told me. Her behaviour also should have told you, really. But we don’t want to see it.
I had gone to this particular country for a reason, and after a few months put together a plan to take a course which was the course of my dreams over there. Seeing him again would just have been the icing on the cake, but wasn’t the primary reason for going. The fabulous thing was the course happened, and was the opportunity of a lifetime. The awful thing was that after hinting about possibly coming back, he was emailing that he couldn’t wait to kidnap me, so many things planned etc. I arrived and … total silence. The guy went to ground. Email about how he was a bit depressed at the moment etc. And in those few emails that he was always just on his way out the door …
I got on with my plans there, and they worked very well. FOUR MONTHS LATER an email for him, he had heard I was still living there and couldn’t we catch up. Very romantic, he had mixed up the times and thought I was only there briefly etc. Didn’t make any sense at all. I emailed his reply around the world to a dozen friends, most of whom said to not touch it. One or two said why not meet for coffee just for curiosity – maybe had actually HAD been in a coma all that time, you never know.
I sent short reply giving a timeslot the next week when I could meet for coffee. He jumped at chance. And the most insulting thing was his appearance when I walked in – all done up and spruced up (very attractive guy) who clearly has done this before with girls and it just … well, it just works … god …
I was just distant for 10 mins and made small talk. He realised it was getting nowhere. I said I had to go. Was very shaken that someone can be so hot/cold.
But the signs were there. I just didn’t want to see them. The more work I do, the more I think I FOUND non-committers like this because I couldn’t deal with a real relationship. I wasn’t honest enough with myself and couldn’t face the possibility of a real guy, so I found these non-available guys. Going over and over the details of what happened is pointless – he was just one in a list of very unsuitable guys that I CHOSE. I’m working on why …
Forget her, she’s a hurtful cow who is very sneaky. Do you want that for a partner? I think you can do better. Put your energy into why you chose her. And if you can’t get angry at what she did for your own sake, look at a similar story (mine) and see if you feel sympathy for the guy. I think not. They are not worth the energy. Put the attention where it belongs – and treat yourself better. Demand more.
TangoLola
Thanks Lola,
I know what you say is true but it’s just good to hear it from someone else so thanks for that. I see also from your own story that it is always so shocking to see such a huge change in someone you thought you knew.
Paul
Do people feel your ex changes almost instantly after they leave you? Like you don’t know them now? Or is it just that some feel uncomfortsbe and don’t know how to behave around you now?
I wonder about this too, like if they are being their true selves after they leave you? Maybe not their true selves, but maybe the “not in a relationship with you” self. Either way, something’s broken.
Maybe it’s just the way they feel they have to behave around us..a bit distant, unaffected, uncaring. I don’t know.
I know that I am changing. I have seen things in myself that I want to change and am working on them…it’s not an easy or instant process.
Have been very teary for the last few days…recording my feelings as I think it might be PMS related. Will see if I feel this teary next weekend, although I think I might…it would have been our anniversary.
Its mind-boggling when you think about the tremendous amount of risk you take going into a relationship. Here’s this person you really like, maybe you’re friends to start out with, you want to be with that person, you invest a lot of time getting to know them, getting to know how they are different from other people. Maybe you even re-arrange your life for that person.
Then for whatever reason (it could be anything under the sun) it doesn’t work out. At best, that person is now gone for good, all you’re left with are memories. What percentage of relationships actually succeed? Maybe I should look at it more like every relationship ends, its just a question of when.
How many good relationships, or ones that might just take a bit of counselling, or more communication end?
Why do people throw away the connection they have with someone without putting in any effort to make it work?
So many interesting questions to collect data on. I’d love to see more, and more accurate, data on relationships, become common knowledge. Something far beyond “50% of all marriages end up in divorce”.
I think specifically though, for your question about throwing away the connection, I have some ideas but nothing that seems to satisfy me. I don’t get it either. Real connections are hard to come by.
Paul,
Sorry to hear about your experience with your wife. It sounds like you got conned. I know that “conned” is a harsh word but that’s what I feel applies to that kind of behavior. Unfortunately, I have had a similar experience to yours. Only my experience involved being used for sex behind the guise of love.
The person I was with fit the profile for someone with narcissisistic personality disorder (NPD). What I have learned is that people with pathological narcissism often are charming and convincing in their display of feelings for someone. They possess a lot of charisma. But they have no capacity for empathy…no ability to care for anyone. One of the criteria for the personality disorder, in fact, is exploiting others with no remorse. Another hallmark of NPD is a Jekyll and Hyde personality — and it can be devastating to their targeted victims.
Anyhow, your ex may or may not fit this description but it may be worth it to you to check out the Personality Disorder threads here at GPYP. If your ex does fit the profile, learning about what NPDs do, can provide enormous relief to those were involved with them.
It makes a whole lot less personal to you. It doesn’t make the pain go away but it can help hasten your recovery.
Take care. Thanks for sharing your story.
Seeif
Hi Susan,
Can you please give some advice? Whilst I am every day getting stronger and not thinking about my ex, it’s his horrible friends that keep lingering in my mind.
One of the reasons we had issues and broke up is his very (uncomfortable for me) close relationship with his ex. Who is also his best friend. Who he lied about a lot. My ex compartmentalises his life (which annoyed me a lot) and he kept me away from all his friends for a long time saying they were cliquey and I needed introducing in small doses. When I eventually did meet some, I befriended them on facebook – sending polite and ‘nice to meet you’ messages.
Since we broke up (and I have thankfully since realised he is completely untrustworthy, a liar, a passive aggressive, a narcissist) he’s been getting these people to ‘defriend’ me for the last few weeks. Which I have not reacted to, or risen to. I’m above all that. But it does play on my mind. What he’s saying to them, about me, is he re-writing history to make me out to be the b**ch. I constantly compare myself to them for some reason, even though I’ll never see them again or care about them as people. My mind keeps wandering about what he might have said or what they might have said about me – it’s actually completely ridiculous when I think about it objectively! But my brain keeps doing it. He has some ties to semi-famous people, too, so in my mind these people who occassionally appear on the TV are hating me too!
So now tell me I’m not the only one who has been through this, I feel crazy!
Thanks,
Electric
Electric -
We’ve all been there in the obsessive thinking. You need to realize that you control your thoughts, they don’t control you, and everytime you start going down that path, say STOP, It Doesn’t Matter, It Doesn’t Matter, It Doesn’t Matter. We can’t control other peoples actions, or their opinions of us. The only opinion that counts is yours, so be good to yourself, and find people who love and support you and forget about the rest!
Big Hugs, jpearl
Who cares? What they think of you is none of your business.
Crazy is as crazy does. They’re all small-minded bananaheads who all deserve each other.
Good riddance to bad rubbish.
There. Now I have written smack about them on the internet. We’re all even.
Now focus on you and forget about the forgettable.
Electric –
I am going through that now. My ex is 33 and has been doing this but with his family. His cousin is 30 and would write “snide” comments on my fb about me being “psycho” and “unforgiving”. Just ignored them.
Also…what someone said about “it doesn’t matter” – that is really true. You cannot control what others think of you. You can only control you and there’s no use in feeding the low self-esteem train and wondering “why” and “what if’s?”. Believe in your self and build your strength of character. It will get easier!!!
-A
It is just so hard not to have any contact with my ex…Its like a quick fix of gratification when I hear from him. But when the conversation goes south, I find myself right back where I started. Mad, angry, sad, and trying to figure out why. I think about him all the time, so its hard to not want to contact him. Im not sure what to do….today when I talked to him he was such a Ahole and I found myself upset and crying wondering when this pain will stop. some people tell me never and some people say it takes a few years. why is there not a pill to take to cure heartache????