The Post-Breakup No-No List
June 26, 2007 by susangpyp
More on No-Nos
If you’re trying to get over a breakup there are things you SHOULD be doing: you should be taking care of yourself, you should be eating right, sleeping, exercising; you should be affirming yourself every single day and building that self esteem; you should be finding support and new friends and interests. You should be writing in your journal and figuring out goals and where you go from here. That is how you get where you are going (to a GREAT life!). BUT there are things that are NO NOs if you want to get there.
These can be tough to swallow if we’re used to acting out and doing whatever the heck our feelings tell us to do. But it’s time for a CHANGE. It’s time to be a mature, healthy person who has self-control and self-restraint and MOST OF ALL—-SELF RESPECT!
Taking care of YOU and avoiding common entanglements with your ex are KEY to having a happy and healthy future with someone much better.
They might be a bit tough to swallow and hard NOT to do, but they are the key to feeling better, faster. DIS-ENTANGLE. You will thank yourself later for it.
We’ve talked about being friends with the ex: NO. We’ve talked about all these at one time or another but here they are again, more classic entries on the No No list
The No-Contact Rule
The most important no-no is No Contact. In this technological age, it is easy to reach out and touch someone. But that does not mean that you should or that it’s a good thing because when you are trying to get over a breakup, it’s not. Don’t mistake grief for love. It’s normal and natural to grieve even if the relationship was the worst relationship in the world. Don’t let your grief cause you to second guess your feelings.
Even if you do still love him or her, you don’t have to act on it. You don’t have to make contact or find ways to see the other person. Grief is a long, hard process and often contact will seem like it temporarily alleviates the pain. But it does not really alleviate it; it just postpones the inevitable.
If you have children, treat it like a business relationship. No dramatic scenes, no using the children as pawns and no carrying on in front of the children. Read the “Children and Breakups” Chapter and start acting like an adult. Other than exchanges about the children, the “no contact” rule applies.
The No-“I have to have closure” Rule The first rule about “closure” is to stop saying the word. It’s a meaningless word and is often bandied about as an excuse to stay in touch with the ex. What happens at the end of grieving is best described as “acceptance” or “integration” or “reorganization” but it’s not described as closure. You can’t “get” closure, you can’t insist on closure. Closure happens when you least expect it, when you realize you’ve done your work and moved on, and it happens from inside you.
You don’t’ need to know what your ex thinks or why you ex did a, b, or c to move on. If you want closure you need to do your grief work, integrate the experience into your life and turn the page.
Your “closure” is your responsibility. You get closure by doing your work, not by re-engaging and dredging up more stuff. You get closure by keeping yourself safe, being good to yourself and un-attaching from that which you have been attached.
The only closure you can hope for is the closure that comes from inside you. The person who hurt you cannot give you closure, nor should you want them to or expect them to or give them that kind of power. You need to move on from where you are for you.
Closure is part emotional work and part decision. At some point you need to turn the page and decide it’s over. Closure is your deal and yours alone. When you’ve done the grief work, worked through your inventories and made a decision to move on, that is closure. Closure happens for you and inside you. And only you. You get it from within, never from without.
The “No Trying To Make Sense of It All” Rule
During the breakup, there is usually some inclination to “set the record straight” or to confront the ex on all the stupid things that he or she said to you. You might not understand where this breakup came from. You might not understand how that last fight led to “it’s over”. You might think you did nothing wrong and you are the best thing that ever happened to your ex. This all seems wrong and unnecessary. You might think back on the relationship and realize your ex said that you were the best thing ever and how much you were loved. Then it was over. Your head reels with incomprehension. How could this be? How could this person say A one day and B the next day? What is really going on with them? Is it something else and they are taking it out on me? How do they think this breakup is going to be a good thing? You might think that if you can just talk some sense into your ex, all will be alright.
The temptation to set the record straight is a strong one. After a breakup there are usually a lot of “why”s. Your ex may have said things that do not make any sense to you. You may have heard illogical or un-reasoned explanations that go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. You ruminate on the things your ex said and figure out the reasons why your ex is simply wrong.about everything. You start to imagine and believe that you can have a conversation and turn this wrong-headedness around. Avoid those thoughts.
If your ex is thinking stupidly or wrongly, then accept the fact that you have been with someone whose way of thinking is incompatible with yours.
The No-More-Arguments Rule
Sometimes people continue to contact each other to tell each other everything they think of them. Once you breakup, there should not be much more to say. If the ex decides that they would like to tell you every thing they think of you (often on a continuing basis), shut it down.
Avoid doing the same. Yes, you’re hurt. Yes you have things you would like to say. Yes there are arguments you would still like to have …. and WIN. Don’t do it.
Disengage from the ex’s thinking. Allow them their ridiculous thinking even if they are rewriting history. Allow them to blame it all on you or your family or the fact that it was Tuesday or that it was raining. No matter how far our or inconceivable it is, let them have that version of things. Detach from what they think or why they think it. Just let it go.
So long as you hold onto and try to manage this “wrong headed” person, you are not going to find the person who is “right-headed” enough for you. Let it go.
The “No Sex With The Ex” Rule
People not only try to communicate to stay in touch and avoid finishing their unfinished business, they often connect in a physical way. Emotions are running high when you see your ex and every part of you sits up and takes notice. You might mistake your heightened awareness and sensitivity for physical connection. You also might just be lonely and think what the hell. You know each other, you know what sex is like with each other. What’s one more go-round?
While breakup sex seems like fun, it comes with confusion and more complications and is, therefore, another no-no. Even if you have a terrific time, you will end up feeling confused and maybe even used, at the very least you have postponed the inevitable–you’ve got to say goodbye.
If it’s dead, bury it. Don’t sleep with it.
The No-Revenge Rule
The advice about revenge is very straightforward and simple: It is a no-no. Don’t do it. After the breakup, you want to move on and become healthy and happy. No matter how unfair everything was and no matter how horribly your ex has acted, you have to concentrate and stay focused on keeping your side of the street clean. It is IMPERATIVE that your post-breakup world is about changing you and doing the best you can to move on simply and cleanly.
The No-Rebound Rule
If the ex has found a new love, it makes our being alone that much more difficult. You may be tempted to throw yourself into a new relationship or to date a lot. Sometimes this eases the initial pain but eventually you need to stop, commit to spending some time alone to do your work and move out of Rebound City.
Know that another relationship is not going to help until you grieve this one. Everyone does the “rebound” relationship once or twice in their life but it’s usually not the best thing. When that ends, you now have two relationships, instead of one, to grieve.
The “No Avoiding Being Alone” Rule
The best thing to do after a breakup is to take time for yourself before your next relationship. People have trouble doing this sometimes, thinking they are never going to be in a relationship again or that no one is every going to want them. Even people who have gone from one relationship to another somehow fear that they are never going to have anyone again.
The idea now should be taking a break from relationships and learning to heal yourself and put yourself on the right track.
Avoiding being alone is one of the things that is going to keep you from finding your own strength and your ability to construct a well-designed life. You need to spend time with family and friends and meet new people (new friends/contacts) but you also need to learn to bask in your aloneness. Yes, bask. It’s NOT BOREDOM. It’s NOT LONELINESS. IT’S PEACE! The sound you hear is no one bugging the crap out of you. ENJOY the sounds of silence.
Make peace with the peace. It will serve you well in your next relationship.
Give yourself time and attention and construct that well-designed life that you richly deserve. Leave the ex in the dust and GET ON WITH LIFE!!! Share this post:
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
I have been failing at the no-contact rule, but I think that’s because there were many things left unsaid that needed to be said. I think all of those things have finally been said.
I think I might now be able to abide by that rule, but if the past is any indication, I’m not sure how likely that is.
Any other advice for how to avoid it given the ease of communication these days?
You really have to make a decision to not do it. No matter what. Even back in the days before cell phones and computers, I would counsel people to sit on their hands. I knew clients who would stop at payphones while they were driving. They would spot a payphone and stop. So even when it was harder, people who wanted to break the no-contact rule, would find the compulsion unbearable. I remember counseling a woman to sit on her hands and she was in a phonebooth calling me after she had just called this ex of hers.
She started to do the sit on her hands. She also crocheted and would pick that up when she wanted to call. If there is something you can do instead of call or text, DO IT.
But the bottom line is that you have to DECIDE to not do it and not do it. The longer you DON’T do it, the easier it gets. The more you give into it, the harder it gets.
no contact rule is hard especially if they (the ex) told you they understand if yorue not taking it so well and leave the ball in your court to call them in order to reamian friends, i dont think its wise to do do,
what do you think?
I would not call them. I suggest not remaining friends. Move on and be done with it. It IS possible to be friends after a breakup in a FEW cases (very few) but I suggest that even if it’s the world’s most amicable breakup, give it a good long time before you even THINK about being friends.
I have an ex that I had a long relationship with (5 years and he was close to my kids when they were growing up) and we’ve stayed in touch. We’re both married and he had a child with his new wife. When my middle son was seriously hurt in 2002 he sent him a letter and a card which meant a lot to my son (he was a big part of their childhood). But even when we were first breaking up, it was relatively friendly but we were not “friends”. It was not possible until we each had done our own work and gone on to other people. I wouldn’t say I’m “friends” with my ex but we touch base now and again to say how is it going and it’s nice to have that with at least one of my ex’s.
My future daughter-in-laws parents are friends. Both have been remarried and divorced and he is remarried for the 3rd time (he and his wife have a great marriage). The DIL’s father and his wife throw a lot of parties and have most functions for the kids at their house (even for their adult kids because they have a huge house and are great hosts). My DIL’s mother goes to all of the kids functions along with her kids from her second marriage who are friends with his daughter from his second marriage and his step kids. Most people are amazed at the relationship they have (I think it’s great but I’ve never seen anything like it). I think it takes special people to make that work, but even they did not have this relationship right away. It took years and a certain amount of putting the past behind them for the sake of the kids (which I give them both a lot of credit for doing).
In the beginning: no contact, no friends, no anything. Go on, get over it and the time to be friends is later. MUCH LATER.
I broke up a month and a half ago with my ex. I think I broke every rule you wrote down except sex after the breakup.
That might have happen too except when I broke the revenge rule….she found out and she was super upset.
But now I know there is final closure b/c we are never getting back together.
I’m still angry with her when I think of what she did to me…mostly at night times I think about it….and during the day I’m sad that she’s out of my life for good
Here’s my story: I dated a guy for 6 years. We almost had a baby together but I lost it a year ago; 2 miscarriages actually. Both blighted ovums that I passed naturally but painfully. The 3rd blighted ovum (which I thought was a blighted ovum but was not) was an abortion because I didn’t want to go through the pain of passing it again and I wanted to end it as we were fighting. Then, I found out it was not a blited ovum, but I aborted it anyway… my biggest mistake ever. I regret it so much. It hurts. Now, a year later, our relationship suffered a lot because of my never getting past the baby thing, and we never trying again and financial problems, etc… start to make our relationship fade apart. Then when things were going really good for us, after Valentines day, his birthday, Easter, nice times together, I find he is gone for a week and his cell phone doesn’t work. I desperately want to know if he is okay, so I break into his e-mail to find that he was in Russia meeting a girl 14 years younger than me. I read all the communication they had had which was for 6 months. He wanted to bring her back to the USA for a trial relationship. In the mean time, he did not know I knew about her and when I e-mailed him and he e-mailed me back he acted like everything was okay and told me he loved me, etc… To make a really long story shorter, when he returned to the USA without her but waited for her for a few months to come out for the trial relationship,I was devestated, crying, and he came over to hold me and have sex with me and tell me he loved me but had to do this as he thought our relationship was dying out. I wanted to let him go, kick him to the curb, but I loved him and it was all a shock and he was telling me sweet things and calling me sweet names, it was so hard. Over a period of 2 months of being depressed and crying over my breakup that I could not accept as it was just too much and he was still paying for my cell phone and telling me he loved me, etc… I just flipped. I e-mailed the other girl (the Russian) and told her that he had been sleeping with me and that we loved each other. I begged him to drop her to end the pain or at least make a choice to end it with her or me. He always said no. So, I waited. Then, one day, I called him and told him I couldn’t handle it any more. I told him he had to make a choice before she came to the USA for the trial relationship (so he could choose who was better for him) as I was going to let him go forever. He begged me to stay and that he didn’t want to lose me. I told him he had to make a choice. So, he chose me and e-mailed her to end it. She replied that she chose not to come out to the USA after all anyway because he had been telling her that he loved me and that he loved her and was being sincere to either to her by telling 2 women the same things. So, I could have sabotaged their relationship. But, I just wanted the hurting to stop. I did love him too. In my mind at the time,I really wanted to be a better girl friend and do what he said I lacked, which was to spend more time with him and less time with groups, etc… I am also a single mom.
So now that I got that girl out of the picture, we have been spending time together which felt good. I loved holding him again without the threat of another woman. But, after all that suffering and trying to make it better between us, I see that things have not changed… he is over here all the time, I have no social life, we are very sedative and not very active (he likes to lay around all weekend from working all week instead of going out places) and I am spending all of my time with only him as that is what his complaint was about. I feel like my body is getting so lazy again. I have been taking him for walks with me as I like to walk. But, I am beginning to feel that I should have just let him stay with her as that is what he really wanted and I was not really all that happy with our relationship before I found out about them. I was really hurt and felt abandoned. Is this normal to act this way and then feel strong again after you sabotaged the relationship of your ex and the new honey? I just didn’t ever want to know anything about my ex’s relationship had he ever moved on, and here I knew everything about her and the sex they had and that his whole family knew about her.
The sad thing also is, is that while he was “waiting” for her to come out for the trial relationship, he told me to see other guys too so we could test the waters to see if we were really meant to be together. So, I placed an ad in the personals. It was really hard. I hated reading all the responses from losers. But, then right before he dropped his Russian, this guy who had some qualities that I liked responded. We had been e-mailing each other a couple of times at that point. I was starting to feel okay, and that my “ex” may have picked up on that and that is why he acted up on him decision then and not before all the begging I was doing to win him back.
So, here I met this guy from the personals and I had so much to offer him and my heart was so open for love. But, now that I ruined the trial between my ex and that women, we have been spending time together every day (and my kids are gone for the summer), but now I want to see this guy again who I met as he seems really nice. He has horses and took me out to eat and brought me a flower the first time we met. I feel like I have to sneak around to see him and he may pick up on that and I don’t like that feeling. I want to just jump in and test the waters for myself now. My mom said I should be able to do the same thing now. I am so confused. He could just be a fling. But, at the same time, I have not dated anyone else and here my ex who is back now did that to me and even slept with this woman when he was in Russia and was planning on her coming out to be with him for 3 months! What should I do? Keep him and work on our relationship and here everyone knows about what happened, or let him go and just date?
I don’t want to hurt anymore and I don’t know that many people out here and have no family.
Any advice?
Lana - I think you might just be addicted to having someone around - you had feelings of abandonment which are what had you pull your ex back into your life. Now that you have him back, you are bored with him and remember why it wasn’t working.
Just because a new guy is nice to you in the beginning, it doesn’t mean he will be nice to you later on - he might have issues so bad that you wish you would have stayed with your ex. The issues aren’t with the men - it is with you - you need to embrace your inner child and help her to feel secure whether there is a man in your life or not.
You can do many things to make yourself be a better happier person. You don’t need to stay at home and watch your man watch TV. You can go out and have fun. You might need to date other people to learn what you like and what you don’t like - but you might just need to date yourself and learn what you have to give and that you actually have a lot of worth - regardless of your relationship status.
cheers
Michelle
Hmm. The “No Contact” rule is a problem for me. What if the two of us both still love each other very much, but know being together in a “romantic” relationship doesn’t work? And what if he is my only friend in the world, and I am too shy and broken up right now to make new ones?
Part of moving on is creating a new world so you can let go of the old one. If your significant other is your only friend that leads to an unhealthy dependency.
Find new people. Do new things. Go to therapy and work on the shyness.
How are you broken? Therapy, support groups, reaching out to others will giv e you new friends and a new life.
When we make one other person our entire world, our world become very small. You can break out of this. You CAN do it.
“M”
Ditto on the no contact rule. Maybe it should be limited contact, based on your best sensibilities. I have the same situation you have, and I suspect several people do. My ex left our 10 year relationship to move into an apartment. They left with the notion in mind that our relationship was over. We spent a lot of time together, then decided to ease up a bit. I guess one of my thoughts, since reading this blog, has been when does a person know to put these actions into practice. I am not too quick to give up my 10 year relationship, in which we own multiple real estate properties that are listed in both names. Also, have rental business that needs attending to, plus what if there are other issues that demand you see each other, ie, the dogs (which are inseparable), business, finance, and children issues. In addition to all this, I still want to help out my ex, whether she remains just a friend, or what. I am generally known as kind hearted, I know she needs the help, and I refuse to leave her stranded financially. I think it may be a fine line we have to walk, deciding how to de-couple, but at the same time treating the other person as a human being. An old addage is “it’s better to be kind than to be right”.
I’ve said some people can do it, but not all and not most.
I have maintained business relationships with ex’s where we owned property together. That is not the same as being friends. I have split custody of a dog until it didn’t work. I have separated most of the financial. Separating couples should separate financially. I have agreed to hold onto real estate with ex’s because the time was not right to sell but it was a BUSINESS ARRANGEMENT, not a friendship. Ex’s who have kids need to treat it as a business arrangement, meaning keep the emotional out of it.
I’m never sure that I buy people’s kind-hearted arguments. It keeps her dependent. Let her figure it out on her own. It’s sometimes cruel to be kind.
Some people CAN have relationships with their ex’s. Others can’t. I’ve seen so much damage from people trying to so my bottom line is “99 percent of the time people can’t and another .5 percent of the time they shouldn’t. .5 percent do perfectly fine.” It’s a small amount but some people do fit into that.
I agree with Sandy and “M”, I have had the same situation and have managed to have contact and stay friends. We have both moved on, but remain friends and do just fine. I could not imagine such a special person being abscent from my life. He has taught me so many things and will continue to be an inspiration to me, we don’t have to be in a “relationship” in order to be an inspiration to each other.
One more time: I have been friends with an ex. I know people who are friends with an ex but for MOST PEOPLE it doesn’t work out and when one person is pressuring the other to be friends and the other person needs time and space to heal, it is NOT HEALTHY to be friends.
My adivice is for people who need to heal…who need the time and space to do so and who need to be told that they have the RIGHT to say no to friendship (which a lot of people have trouble with).
It is also very difficult when one person is trying to move on but can’t NOT communicate with the ex and they wish that they could stay out of communication.
My postings about no contact and not being friends is FOR THEM, it is not for people who have gone on to be friends. In my past 20 years of experience as both a therapee and a therapist, it is very RARE to see it work out…it does and I recognize that…but it’s not the norm.
M says that she is too shy and broken to find new friends…that’s NOT good and not healthy. M needs to be encouraged to find other friends, not be encouraged to stay friends with the ex as the only friend she has. That’s not a good scenario. Are those of you agreeing with M listening to what she is saying? The scenario she is laying out is not a healthy one.
When I was a therapist and would recommend books to people, they would latch onto the ONE story in the entire book that told a story of a broken couple who managed to work things out and ignore the 999 stories of the ones that didn’t…. As a therapist the biggest problem people breaking up had was trying to be friends when it was either not feasible or hurt one person or was just a big mess….so I address that.
I address what is broken…not what is not broken. Take what you like and leave the rest.
I’m on the road this week but will post more tomorrow. Take care.
[...] Copied word for word from this site: The Post-Breakup No-No List Getting Past Your Past [...]
Susan,
You mentioned that you dont always buy a person’s intent when they say the are trying to be kind, and you further state that sometimes it is cruel to be kind. I copied this from Dr. Ginger Blume’s site, is this what you meant by your statement? Thanks, R
Dr. Blume’s Article of the Month
How To Express Difficult Feelings
by Ginger E. Blume, Ph.D.
As a young child, I heard adult’s caution, “Be careful or you’ll kill him with kindness.” When I tried to imagine what they meant, I pictured a person killing someone while they wore a sweet smile on their face. After hearing the phrase repeatedly for years, it lost its’ ability to capture my imagination. With luster worn off, I chalked it up to utter nonsense.
Only decades later did I come to understand the sage meaning behind this odd saying. Because the notion of “killing someone with kindness” is a mixed metaphor of opposites, its’ meaning was difficult to comprehend. Perhaps, to kill with kindness implied a clever deception or unexpected outcome. One is certainly left to wonder, “Can kindness really kill?”
I believe it can kill in at least three different ways. First, killing another with kindness may be done consciously with either a malicious or a positive intent. When the intent is secretive, it represents a conscious attempt to throw someone off track.
Remember the historical story of the Trojan Horse.” The large wooden horse was delivered as a gift – a gesture of kindness. However, inside the horse was an army, prepared to kill the enemy. As the horse was being rolled into Troy, the army was smugly waiting inside, secure in their deception. Counting on human nature to run its course, they knew a gift wouldn’t be refused and they were exactly right. Their “act of kindness” easily opened up the locked gates of Troy and the city was destroyed.
When kindness represents a conscious and positive intent to please, it can still kill another person. Perhaps, the saying that “too much of a good thing is bad,” explains how the tables can turn quite suddenly from good to bad. Have you every wanted to help someone so much, that you overwhelmed them with you helpfulness? Sometimes parents try so hard to protect their children from the harsher realities of life, that they over-protect and eventually harm their child’s development. When kindness is over done, it can kill.
Sometimes, a person genuinely believes his act of kindness is real. Unlike the Trojan Horse scenario, this person is misguided and uninformed about the nature of real kindness. As a psychologist, I’ve seen many people inadvertently “kill their loved one or their relationship with kindness.” Marriages fall apart because one or both of the partners has a mistaken idea of what kindness really is. For instance, sometimes a spouse attempts to protect their partner from some painful truth or upsetting event. This “protection” typically charades as a genuine act of kindness. The “killer” behaves as if s/he is being caring by virtue of keeping negative or troubling information from earshot of their loved one. You know the rationalization: “I didn’t want to upset you. I thought you had too many worries already. I was just trying to help you out.”
Unfortunately, by the time the deadly repercussion from such “kindness” occurs, it is so far removed from the original event that the crucial cause and effect connection is lost. Hence, the illusion of protecting someone via our act of kindness remains intact. Yet, stop and consider your own experience. How often have you personally felt “duped and hurt” by someone “protecting” you from some negative news? If this pattern of relating continues for any significant amount of time, the relationship begins to wither on the vine. Without the nurturing effect of trust, truth, and openness, the relationship eventually suffers.
Yes, kindness can and does kill relationships. Yet, rarely does the perpetrator of “kindness” recognize or acknowledge the damage done by his/her “positive act.” Sometimes the truth is lost because the “kind behavior” is actually a selfish act masquerading as a positive one. In this case, the deception is one of self-deception rather than misleading the other as to your true intent. We all know how easy it is to avoid talking about a difficult topic. It’s easy to convince yourself that the other person is probably better off not knowing what you know. In essence, your act of kindness is protecting you, while killing them!
And hear lies the paradox: a kind intent can cause damage to your significant relationship. If you do something with the conscious intent of saving a loved one some grief, you may be hurting the relationship more than you ever imagined. If you see yourself “killing your loved one with kindness” consider the effect of your behavior, rather than focusing on your positive intent. By focusing on how some acts of kindness can carry inside them a kernel of destruction, you’ll have a much better change of heeding this sage advice:
“If you’re not careful, you’ll kill them with kindness.”
Wow! Ralph, thank you for sharing…that article was such a fitting post! Thank you, again!
Great article on “Killing with Kindness”. My ex was genuinely a kind person. However, she was what I thought as ‘too nice’. I felt guilty because I told her that. And, I believe this is something that she said as her reason for breaking up with me. She said that no one has ever told her that before. I just didn’t know how to deal with someone like her, and I was feeling guilty about it during my period of grief. However, when I read this article, I was relieved. I don’t have to feel so bad about the breakup, at least for THIS reason… Thanks for sharing.
Sometimes I find myself staring off into space, just thinking over things that went on in the relationship. We broke up (badly- he was cheating) about a week ago. I just need to be reassured that this is normal and not “obsessing”.
Hi Rebecca…how long has it been? It doesn’t sound like obsessing, but I’m not sure how long you think about it or how far from it you are. Let me know. Thanks!
It’s been over a little more than a week. We were together a little under 7 months. On the surface everything was amazing, we had hobbies in common, his friends loved me and quickly became my friends, etc.
The only conflict we had was over his ex - she just kept calling and texting, and it made me uncomfortable. I told him this and asked him either to ask her to stop calling, or to arrange for the three of us to meet and talk about establishing some boundaries. (Sometimes she would call very late at night) He justified his lack of cooperating with either option by saying she was very emotionally fragile and he didn’t want to do anything that would cause her to become suicidal or violent. I accepted this for a long time, but somehow his explanation never sat quite right with me, despite our mutual friends backing him up with stories of their own.
I’d been getting a gut feeling something was wrong for awhile, but didn’t expect it to be as bad as what I finally uncovered - the ex I had been pushing him to break off contact with turned out to not be his ex at all. I discovered he was able to get away with it because she works evenings and weekends. When I finally got fed up and decided to check up on his whereabouts one night, I found him at her house at 4am. He finally admitted the relationship had never really ended and he had been with her on and off the entire time we were dating.
So yes. Sometimes I’m fine and don’t think about it much. Some days I go over it in my head again and again, and find myself staring off into space, just unable to even take it all in. Sometimes I argue with him in my head about some point or other.
I have to see him one more time this week. I’ve managed to keep contact pretty minimal. Once this is done, I hope to never talk to him or see him again. This is hard because we had many hobbies in common that are core to my daily life.
I think I mentioned… it’s been about a week and a half.
Wow. Sorry you went through that. Your process sounds perfectly normal…you’re getting through it….what a jerk.
Stay strong!!
Thanks. I still sometimes wish desperately that I lived in a parallel universe where he is the person I thought he was. Glad to hear my reactions are pretty normal.
I have read your “More on No-Nos “, and it was really help full. i was in a relationship with a women i meet for only three months and then she got pregnet with my dauther . So i never asked her to be my girlfreind , And she suggested for me to move in because i was there everyday, So i did and then i lost my job and she was paying all the bills and i have a dauther from a differnt relationship and she would come over on the weekend. I think i was deppressed who knows. so now it has been 2 yr and 3 months. and we have been over for 4 months because we were fighting for many differnt reson , (cleaning on her part money on mine. ) . so for the first two months we were still sleeping with each other and i was under the impression that maybe we were working on our probles . but she know has been seeing a new person and she doe’s not want anything to do with me and a future with a family. i did ask her to work thibng out because i now make a very good living and i would be able to help her in many differnt ways . and she explained to me that she wants notting to do with me and that the family is no longer an optionsbecause of what happen in the passed . she is in a new relationship and she informed me that she thinks she love’s him and can see her self starting a family with me and wants notting to do with me.
this has been very hard on me i wanted a family and she doe’s not want anything to do with me. its been a cuple of weeks now of her with this new person.
would love some feedback . thanks.
so to recap !
i know her for 2yr and 3months and we have a beuitful dauther and she is 1yr 3months.
i was not employed for 7 months of the relation ship .
she is now with some one from what i know 2 months maybe more and thinks she is falling in love with him.
she did a lot for me and i have explained to her that i want to do for her and return the time and money she spent.
we have now not spoked for a good week or so . just real cold hearted texts from her explaining to me how much of a better person she is with now that he makes much more money has his life togther and how much of a losser i am.
i am doing the no contant rule now , because i have to. am hurt and feel real littel am trying to keep busy and just text her when i can pick my baby up. but even thats hard.
I’ve just read your post break up no no article and some of the responses and just have to thank you. For months i’ve been wondering if i’ve turned into some kind of deranged lunatic. Its fantastic to know its not just me. I spend most of my waking time thinking about my ex. Trying to make sense of how we went from blissfully loved up to “totally over”. I put so much time and energy into engineering situations that mean we need to meet up or speak on the phone. I think about how i can engineer them in a way that culminates in him throwing himself at my knees and begging me to take him back, but the reality is that everytime we do meet or talk i’m so incensed by his apathy or tales of ‘how well things are going for him’ that i immediately fall into arguement mode - which he usually wins - which then triggers me to shift it up a gear to revenge mode. Any sense of satisfaction attained from revenge (which included ‘accidentally’ dropping the shmoozy love poem emblazened coffee mug his new woman bought him) is sadly very short lived. My disingenuious apology was accepted with infuruating grace and the aformentioned mug was replaced by another piece of sentimental tat before the day was out.
I have genuinely believed for some time now that my actions are justified and necessary if i’m ever to achieve ‘closure’. Hmmmm. What i’ve just learned in the last 10 minutes is that i’m in fact delaying the inevitable.
As some of the responses to your article highlight, its really difficult to face up to the reality that the person who used to love inspire and support you more than any other is actually not going to have any part in your future. Its so sad, its a reality i’m not sure i’m ready to accept?? We were together for 10 years and have 2 children. Its so difficult trying to move on when kids are involved and its hard to imagine turning our joint parenting into a business transaction. Almost as hard as listening to the 8yr old recount tales of what he, dad and his new girlfriend did last week. I’m not usually a nasty horrible person (i care about fluffy kittens, old people and starving children) but i have wished more terminal illnesses on that woman in the last 6 months than a lifetime of repenting is ever going to take back (unfortunately she is still breathing).
I don’t think i’m ever going to be truly happy again, but what i do know is that arguements, revenge and death wishes are emotionally exhausting. I’m tired of feeling hurt, angry, disappointed, sad and miserable. I’m also sick of crying. After yet another day of bitter exchanges with the ex and an evening spent crying on my mums shoulder i decided i needed to stop focussing all my energies on him and start trying to help myself. This was the first site i came across en route to the ‘new me’. Its a first step on a very very long journey, but thanks sincerely for starting me in the right direction. I’m going to put my application for the ‘voodoo curses’ course on hold. For today anyway. x
Samantha: welcome to the blog! Your sense of humor will carry you far. :)
I’m glad you’re here. Hope the articles help you. Keep commenting and coming back!
How long after a breakup is a good time to wait to date again? (and I mean DATE, nevermind a new sex partner) Should you wait until you feel completely ready or give yourself a little push after awhile?
I’m sure this depends on how long you were with your previous relationship, but I’m curious. I was in a relationship about 6.5 months, broke up about a month and a half ago, and have been following the no-contact rule for about a month. Admittedly, we didn’t date that long, however the situation was intense and by far the worst I’ve ever been treated and it left me emotionally wiped out.
Thoughts?
It really depends on a lot of things…how much distance (emotional, not time) between you and the last relationship, how much work you’ve done, how you feel overall.
Sometimes going out on a date allows you to know you’re not ready. Sometimes dating too early can be a big problem. It’s hard to say but if you had a really difficult breakup, it might take a while.
I used to go out on “test” dates to test the waters and see if I was ready…a lot of times I wasn’t but I couldn’t really tell until I was out there and miserable half way through the night.
It really does vary.
Hi, so I am getting to this article a little late, my ex-gf broke up with me about 2 months ago. We dated for 11 months. This was my first serious relationship and we spent every waking moment together and never got in a single fight. Everything was going very well and I was extremely happy until, out of no where, she told me she needed some space and broke up with m. I gave it to her, and soon found out from a friend of hers that she may be interested in someone else (nothing physical at the time, just interest). Anyways, she had not mentioned this and I was obviously hurt to hear this
Anyways, the weeks passed and we maintained some contact (i was going through some other issues at the time with a serious injury of my best friend), so she was still there supporting me through that). It soon became clear that she and this other guy were officially dating, and she was doing everything she could to not let me know or hear anything about it (a good thing, but still jealousy was there). I finally told her i needed some time away from her because I was still in love with her.
My frustration starts here, I was finally starting to get over her when she messaged me one day saying “do you seriously hate me? is this how it is going to be, are we never talking again?” And again I repeated what I felt, but she refused to accept it and somehow manipulated me into admitting I missed seeing her and being around her and stuff. Two days later, she comes over and gets drunk with my friends and I and becomes very flirty with me, telling me stuff like “she thinks we are meant to be together” and tries to kiss me… twice. I then tell her to leave. She claims to not remember the whole thing the next morning, and meanwhile she is still dating this new guy.
I am very much still in love with this girl, and I would say pretty confidently she still has strong feelings towards me (in addition to the mentioned event, she still calls/texts me a TON) and I would say if I let it happened there is a very good chance we would get back together at some point in the near future. My question is, how do I stop letting her play these games with me, while not ruining a shot of us getting back together? We are on great terms, but I can’t deal with her right now. I don’t want her to think I hate her, but I don’t want her to think I am obsessed with her.
Thank you for posting this advice. It meant a lot to me.
My ex found a new love and I am devastated.
She was my first girlfriend and I really felt like I loved her.
I was not sure about being with her for the long run so I broke up with her.
As days went on I started to miss her terribly and wanter her back in my life.
She had proclaimed her love for me on many occasions and when I felt the love in my heart for her she had moved on. I may have mistaken my grief for being love.
I hope I can find someone in the future and I hope not to cry too much about this in the future. I was not there when she needed me and she is not here when I need her the most.
We probably were not meant to be. It hurts to know that she can move on so fast. Its almost like her love for me was not that deep. I do not want to judge her because I too had my share of issues. I was very indecisive about the whole relationship from the get-go. I would like to advice first time daters to evaluate their doubts and nip a relationship in the bud if they are not sure if its going to work.
I thank you for helping me during this tough time with this article.
I am now going to listen to ‘Let it be’ from the beatles.
All I wanted was some space. I wanted to know how deep her love was and whether she could give me a bit of space, but everytime we spent time away it felt like she was looking in other places for that attention which I denied her. So when I pushed her away(a month ago) and she moved on. I called her on the 31st and told her that I love her and asked her to come back. I don’t think she will and she is fully justified in not coming back. What hurts right now is knowing that she could move on in a month and even more knowing that she was keeping an eye open for someone while we were still meeting. I loved her and had never loved anyone before. I wish she had given me time, but I was not there for her when she needed me.
I want her to be happy. I hope the person she found treats her right and is good to her.
I wish that I dont make the same mistakes when I date again.
Joe,
Your ex sounds really immature. It sounds like she is playing games. Her behavior indicates that she does NOT want the relationship back, but she doesn’t want you to move on and be happy without her, either. That’s pretty selfish. She doesn’t seem ready for the same level of maturity in a relationship that you are. Asking for space before was a really good idea. She didn’t respect you enough to respect your boundary. That says a lot about her. Why did you let her “crash” your boundary?
I am very depressed now and I cry uncontrollably. She called to say that she does not want me back. She fell in love with me and told me so much about how much she loves me. I asked for space and now when I feel terribly in love with her, she leaves me. I have been stupid for asking for space and for taking time off from the relationship. Stupid for not meeting her expectations to call and be with her when she needed me. Now she has someone else, I am all lonely, I’ve never had a girlfriend before and this current situation makes me feel like the whole world is collapsing around me. I have only myself to blame. However I know that if I hadn’t taken time away from her I would never have known how much she means to me. I never looked at another woman when we broke up. It was not a clean break, we kept in touch and my feelings for her during the 30-40 days apart grew and her feelings diminished. I feel better writing all this here. It seems like I’m releasing a lot of energy.
Not really sure why. Mainly because we still have really fun together when we hang out, it’s just the times when we aren’t together that I am left to wonder why in the world it isn’t working. Meanwhile, she is off being happy. Everyone keeps telling me (including her best friends) that it’s just a phase she’s going through and they all think we’ll wind up back together.
I agree with you that she is being very immature. In fact, I would not get back in a relationship right now with her. I am even open to dating new people at this point. I just could very well see us ending up back together when/if she grows up at some point down the road. Either way, it’s one of those things where neither of us would like to eliminate each other from our lives.
Joe,
You asked in your first post above how you could get her to stop playing games with you, so I was responding to that question. I think taking time away from each other and going NC is a way to gain clarity and perspective without playing games or permanently “eliminating” each other from your lives. If you don’t want to go NC for awhile, then you will probably have to live with the blurry boundaries and mixed messages that are likely to follow. It’s just very confusing for most of us, most of the time, to have ongoing contact with someone we have recently broken up with. If you do this while dating other people, it’s also not very fair to the new people each of you dates. Rebounding is not a healthy response to the end of a relationship; it’s really an emotional reaction to it. There’s a lot of wisdom in the advice that Susan is offering in the above blog, but ultimately we all have to decide for ourselves what is right for us. It really worked for me and has clearly worked for many (in the long run, which is harder to keep our sights on when we are feeling bad), so I endorse the no-no list and encourage others to give it a try.
Kathy
Okay, it’s been a little over two months since I initially broke up with my X. I have looked on the dating sites just recently and have met a lady that I like. We communicated for a couple of weeks by phone and email. We have found that we have people in common that we know and everybody says this lady is first class. We met for the first time this past Thursday, I asked her out initially for Friday night. We had a great time talking and being together. Saturday afternoon, I called her and asked if she wanted to go out, which she agreed to do. We went out, had a good time after which, I brought her home. Nothing serious here, just two lonely people, spending time together, going to the movies and out for dinner. We’ve held hands and kissed goodnight. That’s really the extent of it. I do feel kind of like a school boy out on his first date. The thing about this is, it feels very alien and strange to me. I’m a jittery when I anticipate picking her up, which I guess is expected behavior. I’m not falling in love, or even infatuated or anything like that (one should certainly hope not at this point.) I know I still have work to do on grief and whatnot, but I already feel like the X is less significant in the grand scheme of the universe and I feel validated that I really am a good and decent person because somebody is okay enough with me to have met me, gone on a first date and then a second without rejecting me. I guess what I really want to know, and I know it’s all an individual thing, but my concern is this: Am I moving too fast? Should I sit around another couple of months moping and ruminating about the X? Is it alright to start getting to know somebody with the potential of it becoming a romantic thing, perhaps leading to a loving relationship after the short period of time since my break up? I don’t want to make the same mistakes that lead me into that other relationship that turned out to be so destructive to me. I appreciate everybody’s comments.
Thanks,
Henry
Henry, it sounds like if you know some people in common, and they like her too, this is a good sign. I’d say take it slow, and if you can skip more of the months ruminating about the ex, yay! Just maybe make sure that you know what your lessons are from that first relationship. I guess that old saw about history works for relationships too- “If we do not learn from history, we are doomed to repeat it”.
It was too soon.
Henry: sometimes we go out on a date and then we realize it’s too soon. Other times we think it’s too soon and it’s not. If you’ve gone out too early just regroup and take care of you. And give yourself credit for going through the process. Be good to Henry.
Henry, What happened to make you think it’s too soon? I ask because I had a physical experience once with another guy since I broke up with my boyfriend, and it made me realize I am not ready either. It just made me miss my ex more.
Hi Moving On,
I really think that she wasn’t ready either and we were also very much mismatched. We went out Friday and Saturday nights. I had to coax her out Saturday. Then Sunday, there was no contact and none yesterday, even though I emailed her and she clearly ignored me. I thought, well, she really isn’t your type because you would not have done that to somebody. If I was no longer interested, I would say, look, I really don’t think we have that much in common, so lets not go further. She sent me a lot of mixed messages. Be all that as it may, I am now just feeling low and all the emotions from my breakup have come welling up. I guess I need to feel those things, but God, it’s incredibly painful. I still have work to do. I’m walking wounded. I need to focus my energy on healing me. Susan is right though. I did go through the process, took a risk and followed through. Now I have to regroup and spend more time on me and then, when I feel ready, I’ll try again. I guess I was hoping to fill that empty hole where my heart used to beat with what wasn’t even a reasonable facsimile thereof. Somewhere in the back of my mind, a little voice was telling me that this woman wasn’t right for me, even before we went out. Talking on the phone, I knew. I just didn’t listen to my own instincts. Oh well, just another step on the road to recovering from this craziness.
Thanks,
Henry
Hi Henry,
I’m sorry that the situation didn’t work out better, but I do think it’s a good thing for you ultimately. It shows you that there’s no “quick fix” or “bandaid” and that you have to face your grief head-on and let it run its course. I’m out of my several-year relationship 3 months and I, too, tried to connect with another guy as a way to hasten the process and fill this unbearable void. It didn’t work and left me feeling more lonely and confused. I now realize that I need to fly solo for a while and not even think about dating or meeting someone until some more time has passed and I am feeling better about things. I also think my motives for wanting to move on were not good–wanting to fill his space, wanting to meet someone quickly because god forbid he meets someone first and I find out about it, etc. These are not reasons to get involved with someone. I know better now and it sounds like you do too. Best of luck on your journey.
Thanks MO,
You know, you said something that triggered a thought in me. I know that there is a certain element of competitiveness involved in some of what motivates me. I didn’t realize it, but when you said that “God forbid he meets someone first and I find out about it etc.” That’s when it hit me. She already has someone else. She is one of those people that is great at denial and had to move someone in right away. I believe she had somebody waiting in the wings because she wanted desperately to get married and after 4 years of me not proposing until too late, when she had repeatedly told me she wanted to get married, she knew she needed to get somebody to marry her to fill her timeline, which is to get married again before she’s 40. She has one year to go. Some of this is me thinking in the back of my mind that I have to get somebody as a way to go, hey, you see, I got somebody too. What a stupid thing for me and even worse for her, because she’s grabbing anything that moves out there to meet her goal. Of course, I need to stop thinking about her and what her motivation is and all the rest of that line of thinking. I’m driving myself crazy with all of it, but maybe I just need to let it ride and get it out of my system. It’s like being haunted by a ghost. I see things in my house that remind me of her, a song, a show on tv, a receipt for something I bought her, stuff we got at disneyworld. God help me, it just makes you want to start screaming and never stop. I even hate my cat because we bought him together. I changed his name from Sylvester to Slash because Sylvester was her idea. How crazy am I? Last night was a dark night of the soul for me and how I got through, I’ll never know. I did though and that’s the important thing. The lonliness and feeling the need to fill that hole, the void. It’s maddening. I want to say though that I really do appreciate your comments and everybody else here. Slowly but surely, I have to be healing. don’t I?
Thanks,
Henry
The poor cat, Henry, don’t take it on him :) LOL
I gave up the cat in my last relationship and was pretty sad about it. I wonder if my ex changed
the cat’s name? hmmmm…
You sound like you are doing ok, Henry, all things considered. Your feelings are totally normal
and you are aware of them. You recognize what is or would be unhealthy and you are trying to
avoid it. Good for you!
I say gather up everything you can find that is a reminder of her or the relationship (everything but the cat, that is :) ) and put it in a box and tuck it away in storage. You don’t need to revisit
that stuff for awhile. Some day you may decide to discard it, but you don’t have to go there yet
if you aren’t ready. But I recommend not looking at it for now.
Fill up that void with old and new favorite activities. Make a list of what you like to do and start makin’ plans! Make a list of long and short term goals that have nothing to do with your former relationship. And start plannin’! Even dreaming about these things could make you feel better.
cheers to you,
Kathy
You ARE healing Henry…you really are. Be good to you (and the cat :)).
My Ex has moved on and it hurts so much. We broke up for a month and she’s already in a relationship. I needed time for clarity and now I’m so depressed because I realized that I am still in love with her and the thought that she does not love me any more makes me feel terrible. I called her when the month ended and professed my love for her. She just does not want me back. I have made so many mistakes. What I have learnt is that when you find love don’t push it away. I dont know how to deal with this sense of loss. I just dont want to wake up in the morning anymore. I should have remained single and not fallen in love. How do I stop having feelings of love toward her? Being alone is making me very depressed.
Hi all,
I really appreciate this motivation and comments from others. I have been in the break-up process with my X for just over 2 months. He was much younger than me and had major issues. He had a lot of anger and cynicism that progressively got worse over the year and a half of the relationship. He didn’t appreciate me and took much more than he was willing to give. He always swore how much he loved me but expected me and the world to change rather than changing his view and approach to life as a whole. I am an extremely loving and nurturing person and I believe that he loved me very much as well but he took advantage of my good nature and decided to give up completely rather than attempt to make the changes in his life necessary to improve his quality of life. I put the no contact rule into affect for a week…until today when I contacted him to let him know that I missed the person he was capable of being. I know that I shouldn’t have - I guess it is the perfectionist in me - I felt that if I tried just one more thing then it would work out. He ended up telling me that it was over and that he was sorry and that I deserve much better. He is apparently starting to date a new girl and tells me that it is not because he is over me. I believe that he is not over me and this is just a rebound “see I’m fine” action but the pain is still there. I know that I deserve much better than he was giving and my struggle with the “no contact” rule has dragged this out longer than it should have but it is still very hard to face. While it hurts very much, I know that this is the opportunity for me to really face my personal issues. I think that I have always considered myself “between boyfriends” when I was single - not truly happy because I felt that I couldn’t really be happy as a single person. I know that I need to realize happiness alone before I can find happiness within a positive relationship. I just feel like I have so much pain and resentment inside that is eating away at me. Is this normal? I’m trying so hard to focus on me but I can’t help but concern myself with him and his happiness. I don’t believe that he deserves to be happy after what he has put me through and I fear that he will find happiness before me. I swing back and forth between knowing that it is of no concern to me to obsessing over it. Any help that you can offer me?
[...] That would be HERE [...]
well my break up was my decision, I had to do it because she is a coward. I left our shared promises before our lease finishes, still pay on time eventhough i don’ live there. i also picked an arbitrator ( a mutual intelligent friend )were if she needs to contact me she must go through him. i exercise, read , and went on vacations. i also try do all the things i wanted to do that i couldn’t before because i was trying to aid my now failed relationship. i vent with friend, see my family and recently enroll in school. i cut all sorts of communications with her. no post sex, no pics. seen a physotherapist and she told me that i don’t need a second session. the no revenge rule is my problem. i waste my energy thinking how easy everything is for her i really despise her,i mean she keeps the condo, all items bought together she gets to keep them and tecnically owes me money but i won’t see that either. i can’t have a civil conversation with her, she frustates me within seconds and due to that i developed an anger problem. she calls me and leaves messages in my box for stupid things, and once came into my work and waited until my arrived but i told her to leave . what the hell is she doing? the no trying to make sense of it all, well that just drains me. i shared many intimate moments, we were in love….what possibly happens inside her head. and last of all i feel needy, abandon and other symptoms. i don’t like to be alone well i can but don’t like it. any help that you can offer me?
ace,
there are some posts that should help you here. Look at the search box to the right. Try the blogs You’re Not Who I Thought You Were and The Feelings of Grief During A Breakup. Then start to read through the archives. You will find a lot of what you want.
ace,
my situation is almost the same as yours. i was with my ex for 4 years, the last of which we lived together. he could not express his emotions/feelings to me and finally i asked what he saw in our future and it came down to him having doubts and not “knowing what a reasonable amount of doubt is” our lease didnt end for another 2 months but i knew that i couldnt stay 1 more minute with a guy who didnt see a future with me. i felt so betrayed! why did it take me asking for him to tell me that! b/c he was comfortable and felt perfectly fine with our current situation and i was not ok with that.
i deserve someone who is crazy about me and express hsi emotions and tells me he wants to be with me. and even if he is not “ready”..atleast he would have and express every intention of marrying me once …..grad school is over…once he saves up enough money to buy a ring i deserve…once .
i havent seen him since i moved out and i do have a lot of my tihngs are his parents house but i just have him drop it off with my friend who lives nearby.
we emailed a few times about “logistical” issues such as phone bills, furnutre, etc and at times i gave a little of myself in the email and expressed my emotions…said i missed him, etc. and he never akcnowlemdged any of these small sentiments….never acknowledged the end of our 4 year relationship.
i’m done with it! i am trying to start the no contact. im still thinking about whether or not i want to send a last letter (no email)…but letter with no return address….just to get our what i need to sya…not for “closure” or anything..b.ut for myself.
i already wrote the letter but im giving myself a few days to raelly think about me. part of me things that he doesnt deserve any more of my time…that a letter to him is not necessary b/c he knows how i feel. still thinking about it…
but i am going on a date on monday. if anything…i’m just meeting new people.
it’s been 2 months since we broke up;
ace,
i also dont like to be alone. i got my own apartment and i love that b/c i cant see myself sharing with anyone else…especially with what im going through now. but i also like to be around people. exercising helps a lot! it gets all the sadness and anger out. i think of it this way…when i run, i dont think so mch about my ex…i mean i do…but the thoughts just float out into the atmohpere and get left there…whereas when i am at hoem and thinking of my ex, the thoughts get trapped in the room.
running and exercising jsut feels so good and it’s good for you! get the emdorphins flwing! and you’re just a healthier person and doing tihngs for yourself! i am also looking to volunteer.
For the past 6 months, I have done all the right things to deal with grief and break-up. I eat healthy, have exercised, spent great amounts of time in my hobbies, and hung out with friends. The problem I have is that I had to contact her to coordinate getting a few of my things from her a month ago and we ended up rehashing some things. She believes that we are too different in a few things and has a point of view that completely contradicts my true sentiment. Simply said, she has me wrong. So now I have a HUGE issue with The “No Trying To Make Sense of It All” Rule. She moved on to a new relationship weeks after we broke up, so I know she is unlikely to listen to my perspective. The real benefit for me to contact her is that it would help me “get over it.” Once I have said what I have to say, I feel like I have done all I can do. I tend to hold onto things if I cannot voice my perspective when she has me wrong. She still may have her own opinion but at least I have voiced my view. Is it really that bad to set the record straight if it would make me feel better?
I think it would be better and more helpful for you to have this talk with multiple friends who will listen and validate what you feel. It’s been really helpful for me to hear my friends validate my perspective. I doubt you’ll get what you want from her- and why do you care? “What she thinks is none of your business”. See Susan’s posting on so-called “closure”.
Templeton, I’ve felt the same urge. Chalk it up to her being SO different from you and close-minded or whatever aspect of her keeps her from understanding your side. Huge odds against that happening. And you need to take care of YOU! Think about YOUR LIFE.
Drive away leaving her in the dust with all her crazy perspective on what happened…you know YOUR truth. Here’s my latest self-talk on the ex: “I’m leaving him behind in the dust”.
Templeton, fby all means, deeply feel the urge to connect with your ex, *sit with it* as Susan says…but do not act on it! Recognise that it is a normal part of the process, shared by so many people here… but stay strong and do not give in to it. Serenity’s idea that you talk out what you want to say to people who will listen is great - you will feel heard.
You say ‘ is it really that bad to set the record straight if it would make me feel better?’ Sorry if this sounds blunt, but what makes you think you would feel better? Might it not be the case that you would feel great at first, the second you fire off the email or whatever…but pretty soon you could well be feeling absolutely dreadful, waiting for a response that most likely will not come, or might come…but very likely will not be what you want. The whole thing (whether or not it illicits any response from her) could well lead to more anxieties and questions, keeping the whole thing alive - and hurting you -rather than closing it as you imagine. Have you read about the Relationship Inventory and journalling?
Believe me, I have been where you are. I have felt that urge to have my say, I have felt the sickening injustice and frustration of seeing my ex’s lack of understanding about who I am and what I feel, and his very different perspectives about our relationship from my own. It hurts! But I have learned through reading Susan’s blogs and through committing to NC (in the face of massive urges to break it) that it really is vital to *let all of this go*. I wholeheartedly believe this, so much so I probably sound a bit evangelical about it!! Sorry, but really, it is the only way forward to recovering and looking after yourself I think.
The truth is, none of us can control or UNDO another’s thoughts about us, our relationship,the past…or anything! Trying to influence them into our own way of seeing things is self-damaging. I really think that trying to have your say would just open up such a can of worms… you will probably always feel there is something more to say, ‘one more final, last word’ and so on anyway…I have done this, it’s crazy-making!
Focus on you and your recovery; giving up hoping to persuade your ex to share your feelings, thoughts and experiences is key to this and it is really such a liberating thing once you get your head around it. As Serenity says, you know your own truth, and really that is all any of us can (and should!) hope to control in any way.
I know it hurts, I feel for you. Hang on in there!
Serenity and Little Wing, Thanks so much for the response. I have read the Inventory and Journal, and many advice columns of a similar nature. I have chatted with friends, and they have “heard” me. They even agree with me. Five months ago, I
“set the record straight” with her and felt good about it until we re-hashed things a month ago and realized she has reinforced her beliefs that we really are that different on two (totally new to me) issues. If it made me feel better once to tell her how I feel, why would it not do the same again? I really do not expect a response from her, nor do I imagine anything I say is going to change her point of view. I just seem to do better moving on when I am able to share “my truth” with her. I really do believe once I have said my “peace,” I am that much more equipped to move on…Do you have anything more that can convince me that “setting the record straight” is not going to work for me (in terms of letting go and moving on)?
Hi! Hmm, I am not sure I can convince you or should really try to! You must and will do ultimately what you believe is right for you, and you own that.
Frankly, I just believe that ’setting the record straight’ is a bit of a myth, and also that it is the wrong focus for the energies of a person who has gone through a break-up. If I were you, I might think about the following -
You say that you felt good having set things straight a few months ago. Okay… But then you two rehashed things and you discovered that there were new issues that you disagreed upon. This disturbed your peace of mind (I think this is BOUND to happen when contact is resumed / NC is disrupted, by the way). How do you know that the same thing will not happen again, should you again ’set the record straight’ this time?
I personally would look hard at that *feeling good* that you originally felt after having your say. I can only presume you felt good because you believed you had convinced your ex of your viewpoint/s in some way or you felt understood or validated. But since you later discovered that things were not actually closed to your satisfaction at all, *and this knowledge damaged your peacefulness*… then what value or meaning does that feeling good really have?
You say that you don’t wish to change her view, but as it was her views/beliefs that disturbed your peace, is this truly the case? If so, then I have to hold my hands up and say that I personally don’t understand your motives for contacting her. ‘Sharing your truth’ with her only brought you temporary comfort last time… you found things out that led you to feel that there is still more truth to tell.
All I am saying is that I would give up. It hurts like h*ll but I believe we can’t make people want to share our truth, and we shouldn’t place our hopes of peace/closure/whatever you choose to call it, in their hands - or involve them in it at all. That isn’t letting go.
Good Luck with whatever you do anyway.
What a great site! I had the big break up two months ago … I could have spent a day here. :) I’ll do it now instead.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4.5 years. I still feel like he loves me though and is tossing around in this head. I want to go to him and to tell him that I have seen the wrong that I did, and I know that I changed for the good of myself, not for anyone else. I want him to see how I can handle things differently and be strong and independent. I want him to see this in me and to want to be with me again. I wrote him a letter, but I did not send it. I still have it. I want to take that letter to him, give it to him, and see what he will do with it while he sees me in person. He always told me that I was the most beautiful girl in the world and that he wanted to marry me one day. A family member of his told him to never marry me, to date other people to find out who the right one is. He did not date many people before me. I understand this family members fear for him, and I wish that he didn’t listen to her. So what he did was go out and date like 3 days after we broke up, because I think he was confused. I honestly believe he still loves me and I want to go to him.
I haven’t broken NC for several weeks. It is about focusing on yourself. I have moments of feeling like I will be okay and get over it, and other moments of missing the good parts of my friend. But reality is, he couldn’t really talk about his feelings,
was adult child of an alcoholic with no recovery, and I thought drank a bit too much. The real deal was seeing what happened when his teenage daughter started drinking and getting busted. His lack of response in keeping alcohol out of the house and having some decent modelling, even when she tried to kill herself with tylenol and then regretted it, blew me away. He minimized it, said he couldn’t feel it, etc…and I was disgusted with his response. I lost all respect. What was I wasting my time for?
But the part in me the abandoned part, the part that wants to have this person minus his bs, really needs special care.
Because that part fights me with fantasy thinking and grief, and I just have to nurture and help that part through.
Al anon is a godsend. I am meeting new people.
I don’t have to choose someone who functions well outside but makes choices that drive me insane and make me lose respect. I have to remind myself of this over and over, sometimes it’s easy, other times it’s hard. And it’s embarrassing to even admit that part of me wants him back.
Really embarrassing to admit that I have that need. I beleive, though, that it is the grief cycle. I’d lost respect for him awhile ago, with bs promises.
Reality is he is a good guy in many ways, but this is a core value of mine, regarding children and any young adolescent who is so caught up in bad situations. It’s a core value in me that I keep my vulnerable self around healthy people who can stand up, admit a problem, and freaking deal with it.
I recycle daily. I do know that this too shall pass. I am worth it.
been 6 months since we broke up and i have tried my best to get over her. she found someone in less than a month, i tried to get her back. I really loved her and she was my first love.
I have eaten well, exercised, gone out, read books, watched movies after mourning for 3 months. and today i break down and cry. Nobody in this world really needs me. I am a machine.
wake up, work, eat sleep. I am a nice guy and very affectionate and i would never have seen another woman behind her back. I dont know what to do, cause I still care about her deeply and dont know how to deal with it anymore. I have not been fortunate with women in the past.Guess i need to forget about her and the feeling of being in a relationship. I brought it on myself by asking her to take it slow. I am an IDIOT, and now shes gone. I have lost everything. My life is the u2 song — with or without you and the pain is not going away. I am just writing this to console myself and if anyone has the heart please reply. Why she left me and why she saw someone else while dating me is because i didnt give her enough and i dont know how to go back in time and change things. i just wish tomorrow never comes and today stops and i stop, but i really cant as i have worked so hard all my life and these thoughts are contradicting the true way i feel about life which I would like to believe is good and that people are really good on the inside and I shouldnt be cynical. Heck, I just give up. there are no answers. I cant read her mind and she knows how i felt and still didnt trust that i would have done things her way. Hopefully there will be another day.
snape,
you’re caught in black-or-white thinking right now with your grief. It sounds as if you haven’t totally worked through the grief of the relationship and THAT IS OK. You are *not* a machine, and if you let yourself truly feel the pain and work through it to the end, you will find yourself on a new journey that will turn you around and arrive in a place where you really like yourself and feel strong.
Read this: http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/02/19/dont-give-up-the-day-before-the-miracle-happens/
And also put this in the search box: “The Emotions of Grief After a Breakup” and this “Mourning Theory”.
When you feel strong, do this “The Relationship Inventory”.
And start reading all the postings from the very beginning of the blog, and see what resonates for you.
snape,
We understand what you’re feeling because we’ve all be through it too. It really helps to read and journal. Be good to yourself and be easy on yourself.
Welcome to the blog. This is a fantastically healing and wonderful place to be. You will get better!
Serenity is like the tour guide of the place. Thanks Serenity!
LOL
Sheesh, you know how well a tour guide has to know a place to guide in it??
Hey snape…
Don’t give up… I was just like you since 4months ago. I began working on myself and recovering just a month ago.
Throughout the 1 month, there are days i felt so great, relieved and invincible but the next day i could just feel so depressed about the loss and break down.
BUT IT’S OKAY!
Work on the loss, and move on. Allow yourself to cry… I used to thought that i was going crazy because i was felt such an immense pain and was crying so much. But no, i won’t go crazy… instead, i will be much more stronger the next day.
Go on NC… it helps for me… but it took me 4 months before i have the courage to break off all the contact from her. But so much hurt was done during the 4 months.
Followed by the breakup, my health suffered, my best friend died, there are problems in my family and my work is messed up. I slowly work on all of them… and well, things turn out not that bad…
If you are going through hell, keep going… although this is not my first relationship but it hurts more than ever… but i know in the end, i will feel so much stronger.
“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world… It is the beginning of a new life.”
Don’t give up… keep moving on. This website helped me so much. I’m so thankful to stumble upon this website during my breakup. Keep coming back, read the articles, talk to the people here… best wishes!
hi all, read every post still feel numb tho, then again its only happened 2day.
Story short i met a guy in june last year, he said he was single so i started to see him, a few weeks in i noticed he didnt return my calls on a sat night, a few times i decided to drive by to see if he was home and he never was.
I asked him about his whereabouts and it was always a mate with no name and not much else….
I knew he had split with an ex before me and they had a small child but he had told me this was over before we started seeing each other, i asumed he was there on sat night, i did ask him a few times but never got a straight answer….
I guess I knew deep down he was there but I wanted to beleive him as I liked him so continued to see him….
basicly the pattern went on and i kind of accepted what might be going on and didnt txt on a sat or sun….
Foolish of me hey!
Anyway it started to drive me crazy so one night i drove by and his girlfreinds car was on his drive, i knew cos of the baby sticker, i was sooooo angry I called his home number he answered