The Post-Breakup No-No List

More on No-Nos

If you’re trying to get over a breakup there are things you SHOULD be doing: you should be taking care of yourself, you should be eating right, sleeping, exercising; you should be affirming yourself every single day and building that self esteem; you should be finding support and new friends and interests. You should be writing in your journal and figuring out goals and where you go from here. That is how you get where you are going (to a GREAT life!). BUT there are things that are NO NOs if you want to get there.

These can be tough to swallow if we’re used to acting out and doing whatever the heck our feelings tell us to do. But it’s time for a CHANGE. It’s time to be a mature, healthy person who has self-control and self-restraint and MOST OF ALL—-SELF RESPECT!

Taking care of YOU and avoiding common entanglements with your ex are KEY to having a happy and healthy future with someone much better.

They might be a bit tough to swallow and hard NOT to do, but they are the key to feeling better, faster. DIS-ENTANGLE. You will thank yourself later for it.

We’ve talked about being friends with the ex: NO. We’ve talked about all these at one time or another but here they are again, more classic entries on the No No list

The No-Contact Rule

The most important no-no is No Contact. In this technological age, it is easy to reach out and touch someone. But that does not mean that you should or that it’s a good thing because when you are trying to get over a breakup, it’s not.

Don’t mistake grief for love. It’s normal and natural to grieve even if the relationship was the worst relationship in the world. Don’t let your grief cause you to second guess your feelings.

Even if you do still love him or her, you don’t have to act on it. You don’t have to make contact or find ways to see the other person. Grief is a long, hard process and often contact will seem like it temporarily alleviates the pain. But it does not really alleviate it; it just postpones the inevitable.

If you have children, treat it like a business relationship. No dramatic scenes, no using the children as pawns and no carrying on in front of the children. Read the “Children and Breakups” Chapter and start acting like an adult. Other than exchanges about the children, the “no contact” rule applies.

The No-“I have to have closure” Rule

The first rule about “closure” is to stop saying the word. It’s a meaningless word and is often bandied about as an excuse to stay in touch with the ex. What happens at the end of grieving is best described as “acceptance” or “integration” or “reorganization” but it’s not described as closure. You can’t “get” closure, you can’t insist on closure. Closure happens when you least expect it, when you realize you’ve done your work and moved on, and it happens from inside you.

You don’t’ need to know what your ex thinks or why you ex did a, b, or c to move on. If you want closure you need to do your grief work, integrate the experience into your life and turn the page.

Your “closure” is your responsibility. You get closure by doing your work, not by re-engaging and dredging up more stuff. You get closure by keeping yourself safe, being good to yourself and un-attaching from that which you have been attached.

The only closure you can hope for is the closure that comes from inside you. The person who hurt you cannot give you closure, nor should you want them to or expect them to or give them that kind of power. You need to move on from where you are for you.

Closure is part emotional work and part decision. At some point you need to turn the page and decide it’s over. Closure is your deal and yours alone. When you’ve done the grief work, worked through your inventories and made a decision to move on, that is closure. Closure happens for you and inside you. And only you. You get it from within, never from without.

The “No Trying To Make Sense of It All” Rule

During the breakup, there is usually some inclination to “set the record straight” or to confront the ex on all the stupid things that he or she said to you. You might not understand where this breakup came from. You might not understand how that last fight led to “it’s over”. You might think you did nothing wrong and you are the best thing that ever happened to your ex. This all seems wrong and unnecessary. You might think back on the relationship and realize your ex said that you were the best thing ever and how much you were loved. Then it was over. Your head reels with incomprehension. How could this be? How could this person say A one day and B the next day? What is really going on with them? Is it something else and they are taking it out on me? How do they think this breakup is going to be a good thing? You might think that if you can just talk some sense into your ex, all will be alright.

The temptation to set the record straight is a strong one. After a breakup there are usually a lot of “why”s. Your ex may have said things that do not make any sense to you. You may have heard illogical or un-reasoned explanations that go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. You ruminate on the things your ex said and figure out the reasons why your ex is simply wrong.about everything. You start to imagine and believe that you can have a conversation and turn this wrong-headedness around. Avoid those thoughts.

If your ex is thinking stupidly or wrongly, then accept the fact that you have been with someone whose way of thinking is incompatible with yours.

The No-More-Arguments Rule

Sometimes people continue to contact each other to tell each other everything they think of them. Once you breakup, there should not be much more to say. If the ex decides that they would like to tell you every thing they think of you (often on a continuing basis), shut it down.

Avoid doing the same. Yes, you’re hurt. Yes you have things you would like to say. Yes there are arguments you would still like to have …. and WIN. Don’t do it.

Disengage from the ex’s thinking. Allow them their ridiculous thinking even if they are rewriting history. Allow them to blame it all on you or your family or the fact that it was Tuesday or that it was raining. No matter how far our or inconceivable it is, let them have that version of things. Detach from what they think or why they think it. Just let it go.

So long as you hold onto and try to manage this “wrong headed” person, you are not going to find the person who is “right-headed” enough for you. Let it go.

The “No Sex With The Ex” Rule

People not only try to communicate to stay in touch and avoid finishing their unfinished business, they often connect in a physical way. Emotions are running high when you see your ex and every part of you sits up and takes notice. You might mistake your heightened awareness and sensitivity for physical connection. You also might just be lonely and think what the hell. You know each other, you know what sex is like with each other. What’s one more go-round?

While breakup sex seems like fun, it comes with confusion and more complications and is, therefore, another no-no. Even if you have a terrific time, you will end up feeling confused and maybe even used, at the very least you have postponed the inevitable–you’ve got to say goodbye.

If it’s dead, bury it. Don’t sleep with it.

The No-Revenge Rule

The advice about revenge is very straightforward and simple: It is a no-no. Don’t do it. After the breakup, you want to move on and become healthy and happy. No matter how unfair everything was and no matter how horribly your ex has acted, you have to concentrate and stay focused on keeping your side of the street clean. It is IMPERATIVE that your post-breakup world is about changing you and doing the best you can to move on simply and cleanly.

The No-Rebound Rule

If the ex has found a new love, it makes our being alone that much more difficult. You may be tempted to throw yourself into a new relationship or to date a lot. Sometimes this eases the initial pain but eventually you need to stop, commit to spending some time alone to do your work and move out of Rebound City.

Know that another relationship is not going to help until you grieve this one. Everyone does the “rebound” relationship once or twice in their life but it’s usually not the best thing. When that ends, you now have two relationships, instead of one, to grieve.

The “No Avoiding Being Alone” Rule

The best thing to do after a breakup is to take time for yourself before your next relationship. People have trouble doing this sometimes, thinking they are never going to be in a relationship again or that no one is every going to want them. Even people who have gone from one relationship to another somehow fear that they are never going to have anyone again.

The idea now should be taking a break from relationships and learning to heal yourself and put yourself on the right track.

Avoiding being alone is one of the things that is going to keep you from finding your own strength and your ability to construct a well-designed life. You need to spend time with family and friends and meet new people (new friends/contacts) but you also need to learn to bask in your aloneness. Yes, bask. It’s NOT BOREDOM. It’s NOT LONELINESS. IT’S PEACE!

The sound you hear is no one bugging the crap out of you. ENJOY the sounds of silence.

Make peace with the peace. It will serve you well in your next relationship.

Give yourself time and attention and construct that well-designed life that you richly deserve. Leave the ex in the dust and GET ON WITH LIFE!!!

Much more in the Getting Past Your Breakup book. To order click HERE.