Letting Go: The Relationship Inventory
June 13, 2007 by susangpyp
This post is in response to several of you who have sent me email with basically the same question: how do I get over it for good? It’s been several months (or years in some cases!) and I’m still “stuck”.
This is a repost but I’m not sure it’s easy to find in the archives, so here it is again: write your relationship inventory.
Writing The Relationship Inventory
While you can do the steps in any order and even a little of each one every day, make sure you don’t get too confused. Sometimes its easier just to concentrate on one but remain aware of the others so that if something comes to you while you are journaling or talking to a friend or in a therapy session, you can write it down. How you do it is up to you but try to do it in a way that is not going to overwhelm you. If you find yourself getting overwhelmed or confused, put it away for a while and then come back to it later on, one step at a time.
1. Make a list of all the positive things about the relationship. Not the positive things about your ex (that comes later) but the positive things about the relationship (ie. you liked having a boy/girl friend, you liked going to their parents’ house for Sunday dinner, you liked his/her friends). This is not about your ex but the things that being in the relationship brought into your life that is no longer in your life.
2. Make a list of all the negative things about the relationship. Not the negative things about your ex (again that comes later) but the negative things about the relationship. (ie you couldn’t go out with your friends when you wanted to, you had to let him/her know when you were home). Take your time, over the course of a few days (or weeks) to add to and take away from this list. Again, the point of this exercise is to make it as comprehensive as possible.
3. Make a list of all the early warning signs that things were not going to go well. Was there an argument early on or some kind of behavior that gave you a clue as to why this was not going to work out or gave you a hint that this person was capable of hurting you deeply? What warning signs were those? What did you do about it? Not do about it? What could you have done about it? Why didn’t you?
4. Make a list of all the positive qualities of your ex.
5. Make a list of all the negative qualities of your ex.
6. Make a list of all the positive qualities that turned into a negative quality. For example, you were initially impressed that this person was very neat and clean but later discovered they were somewhat anal retentive or berated you for your lack of neatness. Perhaps you were attracted to this person because they seemed confident and assertive but eventually you realized they were really aggressive and inflexible. Think about things that drew you to this person but you wound up hating by the end.
7. Make a list of what you think you might have gotten from the negative qualities of the relationship and your ex. Ask questions of yourself such as: Do you think that you needed the drama and the chaos to keep from looking at yourself and your stuff? Do you attract emotionally unavailable people because you are unavailable or afraid to be in a relationship with a committed person? Do you attract alcoholics or people with problems to look like the good guy or the martyr? In other words, what is in it for you? What was it about this relationship that was a payoff for you? Spend some time with your journal to come up with questions that fit you and your situation. There is no way there is “nothing” as an answer. There is something. Think about it. Do some stream of consciousness writing about it, but get to the bottom of it.
8. Write down the things you feel you did wrong. This is a difficult part of the exercise but try to cover everything from not speaking up to times you were controlling or in a bad mood or picked a fight or brought up issues that weren’t important. Again, take some time and be as comprehensive as possible.
9. Write down any significant statements you would have liked to have been able to say.
10. Write down what holding onto this has been doing to you. Write down why it’s been bad for you and write down the reasons why you need to let it go. What negative things are happening as a result of you holding on? What positive things will happen when you let go?
For those of you who have not worked through it after a long time ask yourself this:
11. What are you getting out of holding onto it? Is it keeping you from moving on? Has it become a fantasy you get lost in? Why are you still obsessing over this? What’s in it for you? Have you made the decision to move on? If not, why not? If so, what is holding you back? After you have worked on these lists and believe they are complete, set aside some time, several hours, to start to compose a letter to your ex. Using all of the lists as a guide, write down all the things you want to say. You do not have to write down everything on every list. Review each list and figure out which things are really important and really need to be said. Make sure you finish up with your thoughts in 10: I need to let this go because it is hurting me in these ways:… I need to let this go because I want to have (what positive things you will gain from letting it go) in my life.
Finish the letter with “I let you go with love.” even if you don’t feel love, it means with minimum of resentment because the resentment will keep you tied to the past.
When you have finished writing this letter (it could take several hours to several days but it should not take more than a week), ask a friend or a therapist to let you read it out loud.
It is important that you read it out loud and slowly. Even if you feel self-conscious, it is best read aloud with someone as a witness. If all else fails, read it out loud by yourself. But read it slowly.
Read it out loud. Later, burn the letter and tell your ex you are letting him or her go with love.
This is a letting go ritual. A moving on ritual and it is important both emotionally and symbolically. The reading it aloud and burning it and walking away is a very important ritual.
Sometimes the letting go ritual feels cleansing. Other times it brings up more grief. Whatever it does, allow it to happen and know that you are healing. This does not mean you will now, magically, be completely over it. The grief may come back, the obsession may come back, but it will lessen in time. If need be do this again and again until you’re sick of the whole thing.
You CAN let go.
You CAN move on.
Write down all the things you are angry and hurt about, write down everything you want forgiveness for and any significant statements about the relationship.
Wow….exactly where I’ m at. It’s been a year and I’m still holding on and there’s nothing more I want then to be free of the pain, but I just don’t know how to get there. I hope this will help. Thank you.
hey this is really helping me get past my past whitch was horible by the way.
I am with you, bella, it has been almost a year….and it just still hurts! I am so tired of the pain, and yet, it feels like I don’t know HOW to make it stop hurting. I keep looking to him to make it stop instead of inside of me…
same here! one year…he is haunting me non stop. i will try this…hopefully it will help.
It’s been almost 8 months. I’m still stuck and in pain. I want him to take responsibility for his part. He has not. He probably never will.
It’s been 8 months and I’m still stuck and in pain. I’m waiting for him to realize his part in the break-up. He won’t. We have had contact. It is now down to each of us telling the other to stop contact. Very sad.
For those that are still looking for their partner to be accountable and take what belongs to them…you are waiting for something that will probably never happen…it is only when you realize that you can not control whether they get that or not….when you realize that you can and must move forward without that.. will you break free from the stuck feeling that you are experiencing….
Why do we feel that this is part of moving forward…? Lets say we do get acknowledgement from them ..about their part. What next? If you do not let go of the need for affirmation..there will be other things that you want from your partner….to be resolved…lets face it…it is a never ending cycle…
I wrote a letter…writing it all down ….and I got it out of me….even though I knew I would never send it…and to release that was so freeing….
Let it go….it will take so much more from you well after the breakup…and I was not willing to give my ex anymore of me than I had willingly given…I took my power back, and he didnt even know it….
Freedom…get on with living…
Letting go is the hard part…at least that’s what I’ve always heard about most anything one is emotionally involved in. I haven’t let go enough, even after 6 freaking years. The rage is so intense — a controlling male, for instance, can trigger the emotions in a heartbeat. I hate these kinds of men now, more than ever. I have tried looking at this from a different angle tonight, after doing alot of reading on this site. One thought that I have had is the what that is keeping me stuck in this. It is pure ego..Take the ego away, and I can look at the anger as an outside issue to be dealt with and not overwhelmed and victimized with, I think. It somehow shapes the anger into a ball outside of myself when I think of this in the ego perspective, because logically, it does make sense to me. Take away the ego, and what do you have….nothing but wisdom, my inner gift I was born with, as we all are. Try taking this into the real world of people, and I will soon forget if I am not careful, because most of us are purely running on ego, and egos get their feelings hurt, and take things personally, and the list goes on and on and on and on, until we are sickened with it all, finally, enough to let it go, hopefully. I don’t know if this will continue to work for me, but it feels, for once, like a real start for an issue that has been plaguing (sp?) me for years with many, many things, not just the abusive relationship I came out of in 2001. Has anyone had these similar thoughts about ridding oneself of the rage after this type of relationship? There are always leftovers….and it’s time to toss them into the garbage, duh :)
positive things about the relationship:
I liked it when he brushed against me while going through the kitchen to the bathroom or garage when I was merely doing dishes or something of the sort.
I liked when he drove while I slept in the car.
I liked knowing I wasn’t doing it all alone, raising children, or at least it felt that way for awhile.
I loved making love with him.
I liked cooking new recipes with him.
I liked singing while he played his guitar.
I loved his intelligence and intellect.
I loved the family idea that we both seemed to share at one time. I liked dreaming with him.
I thought it was good that he loved his mommy.
NEGATIVE:
I didn’t like being treated as less than and stupid.
I didn’t like being controlled.
I didn’t like being with a narcissist.
I didn’t like being physically hurt by him.
I hated feeling out of control emotionally with what to do about the abuse and leaving and the kids and the legalities of that situation.
I didn’t like how he said one hour after causing a car wreck that I should look on the bright side because there would no longer be a car payment.
I didn’t like how the relationship ended up feeling more and more like I was alone with the entire load to carry.
I didn’t like that I felt single with children, even while with him.
I hated feeling like he really truly hated me because of the way he treated me, which meant I must be crap.
I hated that he suggested that I not jump off a building in my desperate suicidal ideation, but I “instead should take a bottle of pills because its quicker and more painless.”
I hated that he was so much like my stepfather in so many ways, that it was eerie.
I hated that I repeated my mothers pattern of being with an abusive man and taking the abuse that I said I would never do.
I hated that I thought fighting back, like my mother DIDN”T do, would make the situation better for me, that I was a strong woman somehow–(it doesn’t, they only want a fighting partner or a punching bag, any way will do).
I hated that my mother only reacted to my situation when he made the pills statement above, instead of also when he almost killed us all by pushing my leg down onto the gas pedal while I was driving, causing the accident that totalled the car with me 6 months pregant and driving, and our then-2 year old son in the back seat, asleep.
I hated that I hated men like that so much that I repeated the pattern so somehow I could get back at the A**hole stepfather that was in my childhood, simply by subconsciously picking the same type of guy and realizing I would stay for years instead of leaving immediately….
WOW, this is quite intense! That’s enough for tonight…
I’m not still stuck, but the breakup was so harsh and painful with a great deal of lies and infidelity involved, I can see how I could EASILY become stuck. I intend to use this as a preventative measure. :)
Do you think this will work with a relationship that I am currently in, one that I feel I need to let go of?
Hi Pamela, Yes, I believe it will help you to clearly see the relationship and help you come to a decision. Good luck!
I was with someone for over a year. I loved him, he told me he loved me but one day he texted me, saying it was not right. I returned from work to find he had taken all of his belongings. There was nothing left of him. No explanation no nothing, I called in panic and confusion, he did not answer my call. I later found out that he had been communicating with another woman for several months, the communication was base, and flirty. I am not sure that they had had sex, but had they not it was only due to a lack of opportunity.
I went through a period of loss anger sadness and many more feelings. Then I realised that there was only one thing to do. That was to forgive him. It has released me, and I am free from my own torment. Please think about doing the following - The letter of forgiveness - I sent-
you betrayed me. You were unfaithful to me, though I gave you my full heart and my full trust. You hurt me so deeply that the pain in my heart has been present in my eyes. You have forfeited my trust and esteem of you.
Forgiving, to me has little to do with fairness, which demands an eye for an eye. It is not excusing, - which means brushing something aside.(as you did when you insultingly texted ‘lets just say I fucked up’)
In forgiving you, I don’t condone the wrong that you have done, To condone is to excuse, tolerate, overlook, trivialize an offence. But in offering forgiveness, I am doing so precisely because I do not excuse or minimize the offence, and do not perceive it to be trivial. Your behaviour was wrong, insensitive and hurtful– otherwise, forgiveness would not be necessary.
Having worked through the emotional roller coaster ride of confusion, anguish, pain, deception, and loss. I am left with a residual sadness over the circumstances not resentment, sorry for you rather than angry .I can now see more clearly that you are a valuable, but vulnerable human being who struggles with the same needs, pressures, and confusions that I struggle with. I don’t see the way you have behaved as ‘being about me’, but rather about your misguided attempt to meet your own needs.
It is from this stance, (regardless of whether you are remorseful or not), that I can be in a position to forgive you.
Forgiveness is a gift I am giving to you; it’s an act of my will. My willingness to forgive you does not depend on whether or not you ever acknowledge the harm you caused me. In getting to this place I have realised sadly that everyone, including myself, has the same ugly ‘capacity’ to inflict harm on others. I also realise through bitter experience that the perpetrators of harm hide from their responsibility of seeking forgiveness, their denial, and inability to accept full responsibility for their actions, obscures remorse. Indeed some can even pervert the events, portraying themselves as victims.
This unique Christmas gift was not easy to find, wrap or indeed, give. I had to dig deep and in doing so have learned a lot about myself. I hope that it will benefit both of us. My forgiveness is as a cancelled cheque, torn in two then burned never to be used. The forgetting is a sort of official forgetting, an agreement never to revisist it. I have nothing left to say about it. You are free to go. It may not have turned out to be a ‘happily ever after’, but most certainly there is now a potential for a ‘once upon a time’ waiting for each of us from this point,
I am offering you the thick end of the olive branch, I hope you are not too proud to grab it with both hands and a grateful heart
If you think this is weakness on my part - it was Ghandi who said that the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. – Top bloke! .
In seeking resolution, I hope to distil, capture and retain the good things we shared and discard the bad. It really is the only way. If you know me at all, these words will resonate as sincere and heartfelt. Knowing you have read this in the honest and straight forward spirit in which it was written, will gratify me
I know I told you not to contact me a couple of weeks ago - at that time I had not arrived at the point I am at now. You obviously have a right of reply to this email, I am sure you have some thoughts or comments which would be welcome. I hope that you will be as meaningful, honest, considered and candid as I have tried to be today, I would hope that you would respect me sufficiently for that..
[...] Click here for Relationship Inventory post. [...]
Susan,
Started the relationship inventory tonight. Answering the questions as they are asked, I decided to write down the things that came to mind. Here’s the thing: I came up with about 10 things for questions 1 and 2, regarding positive and negative things about the relationship. Then…I came up with 35, THIRTY-FIVE, 35 “early warning signs that things were not going to go well” in the relationship. And these were things that happened or that I felt about my ex, in the first 2 months. I was able to think of them quickly; I could have listed more. Wow,scarrrry.
Just thought I’d share that.
Wow seeif! I have to go look at that posting…
Thank you for sharing that. I know it’s crazy. I’ve done the inventories myself and had similar revelations that result in (smack forehead) “What was I thinking???”
[...] Journal and talk about your feelings and relationship. 2. Do a Relationship Inventory: HERE 3. Be good to yourself. 4. Develop new interests and new friends. 5. Tell yourself to STOP. When [...]
hi
susan,
u told to stay NC and here there is a line”to tell your ex tht you are letting him/her go with love”? i hope i have not misunderstood.
nams
nams,
if i am not mistaken, you are writing “i let you go with love” in the letter, the letter which you will later burn.
you are not contacting the ex to tell them that.
You are writing the letter and reading it to a friend or therapist and saying out lloud that you let you r ex go with love. You’re not saying it to the ex. Kalo is correct in the interpretation. Thanks for the question! I’m sure others had the same.
thanks Kalos and susan for answering my question.
i started doing the relationship inventory and you know what -IT WORKS.
i have not done d full letter bt i ve started feeling light. i m giving time to myself to be flexible n true to myself n my feeling.
the burden i had, the guilty i was feeling etc have lessened to a great extent
thanks for this
nams
I do agree, it’s hard to let go. What worked for me was when I was having difficulties letting go of a close relationship before, I went to a cafre and a stranger went up to me and we talked, and talked and talked and it’s different because I was ready to listen to him whereas if I talked with my other friends, their words would just fall on deaf ears. So, it helps when someone does pick me up..
Fara - http://www.pickmeuptoday.com
[...] It sounds like he wasn’t man enough to tell you what he was really thinking or feeling. As you said, you were inexperienced but working through your emotions and being good to you will give you some clarity as time goes on. You should look back at some point and do the relationship inventory to see what was going on. It can be found here: The Relationship Inventory [...]
Okay, this is the best one yet, thank you!
I’m going to do it, going to follow every instruction to the letter.
Please tell me how I can email you? I am going through a situation that has not been addressed on any site anywhere and you seem to be someone who is grounded and can give sound advice and encouragement. My boyfriend and I recently desolved ourselves of the title that we had in our relationship because he is being pulled in so many directions in his life personally and professionally. this was not an issue until he found himself in a very sticky legal situation that demands all the time and attention that I would have had naturally. there is more to it, but the basic point is, we were fine, no problems no issues, very good and natural from day one, I have never had to release a relationship that was not broken in some form or fashion.. It just doesnt seem fair to have to walk away from a healthy relationship when they are sooo hard to come by. I have no problems with you answering this in a blog as a matter of fact I welcome it because I am sure that there are many other people who would like to know how to deal with this. I have no problem with it because I want what is best for both of us at this time, but its hard at times, and I definately want to support him and hopefully revisit this when everything is all settled in his life. I love him so much I’m 33 and hes 36
What a day. I deleted all of the emails. As I read them I know he did care for me once. All of my friends keep saying he has issues move on. Today after reading the emails it’s time. I’ve been working on my Relationship Inventory but have been stalled with the letter. Tonight I finished it. As I sit her balling I hope this is the push I need to move through the door to the future. 5 years ago after my husband left a wise person told me to stop looking back. Go throught the door and move forward. I hope this is the push I’ve needed.
Here is my letter:
Dear Rob,
I look back over the last 2.5 years and there are so many things that stand out. One of the first things that attracted me to you was your decisiveness. However I found out this could also be a detriment. You would make decisions and would not be willing to listen to others point of views. Another thing that attracted me to you was your love of your children and how you made them a priority. As you make your decisions now please think of the children. I know they talked to you Mother’s Day about how they needed time to heal from our break up. The choices you are making now are hurting them. Please listen to them. They love you very much.
I enjoyed all of the projects we worked on together. Moving all of the rock and putting in new rock and plants. Last fall painting the livingroom, hallway, kitchen and diningroom. You called it our house. You got furniture for all eight of us. I’m angry that’s gone.
I will remember the meals we had together. Just the two of us when the exes had the kids which was rare with six kids between the two of us. Our Thanksgiving dinners were so special to me. Our first when the potatoes got overcooked and last year when they wouldn’t cook. I will never forget us having 17 people in the kitchen since there was no furniture because of the remodel and we just kept trying to make it work. Our trips for the kids events and our trips together were wonderful memories. The SF trip when we got lost and you just took it in stride as I kept moving the map in the direction your were driving to try to figure out where we were.
I really thought this last time we were going to make it. We had worked through the genital herpes, turnaround, your work difficulties, six kids between 9-17, the pregnancy scare, the DUI charge, the porn and my Love Language being Time which was not high on your list. But we didn’t. At the end when you said ” with Lorie (your ex) I always thought we’ld work things out but I don’t feel that way with you.” That was a huge surprise to me. You had told me in the fall when we got back together how you had grown up. How you had figured out what you wanted in your life. How you knew what you wanted and how lucky you were to know your lover could also be your best friend. What happened? In the fall I should’ve set better boundaries when we got back together. I should’ve said go to counseling and then we can talk. But I didn’t and I regret it. You told me the same thing as you told me before when you broke it off. “You are wonderful and I’m so thankful for everything you’ve done for me and the kids and what you’ve brought into my life but I don’t feel the same way about you as you do me. And you deserve someone who does.”
In the fall you said you were committed to me. Now you say your feelings have changed. As I read back through your emails to me they are so loving and careing. I know in my head you have major issues that you need to address especially After the excitement of the first six months ends you start looking for that “feeling”. But my heart still loves you and I don’t want to let you go. However I need to. I need to let you go so I can get healthy and move on. I need to eat, sleep and feel like doing things. I need to let go so some day I may find someone who loves me as much as I love them.
I let you go with love.
M
Anyone else get *stuck* at the letter-writing stage?
I completed the other parts of the Inventory weeks ago - I’ve added bits here and there as I’ve gained insight but basically it is all done… but I have really had a problem motivating myself to get past point 11 and write the goodbye letter.
I don’t know exactly why. Initially I felt it was too risky to write it because I have a regrettable history of SENDING letters that I write with the supposed intention of not sending. With this one I got as far as writing Dear XXX and I felt too close to him somehow, and in serious danger of wanting to contact him for real. Sick I know.
Perhaps I started the inventory too early in my grief, I don’t know, but since then weeks have passed and some real progress has been made with my self work; I no longer feel at any risk of sending it to him, but still I am stalling with this. Hmm, is this a textbook case of simply resisting truly letting go?
Those of you that have done it - did you burn it - did you really let it go?
Hi Little Wing,
I did this and yes, burned it. Did I let it go, It doesn’t look like it. I think I did it too early . I think it was like only 2-3 weeks in. I found it useful doing the inventory as lots of red flags made their presence known, but writing the letter and burning it - it was too early. So I might do it again some time. In fact, I regret burning it, cause I can’t remember all the stuff in it now and I’d like a reminder of all that was in it. It was too early for me I think because I didn’t actually let go, though I went through the motions. How long is it for you?
Hello Beatrice. It’s a whopping year+ since we actually broke up from a horrid relationship, but until early this year we were in on/off contact, which did me untold damage and postponed me from accepting it. Basically, the break-up itself lasted almost as long as the relationship! So it’s about 6 weeks since the End end - the day it all hit me that it was really over, I lost the plot, found GPYP and commenced NC. My first post here that day was a crazylong rant written from such an unhealthy place - all self-blame/loathing and rose-tinted spectacles - abandonment grief city!! It’s mad to think that was less than 2 months ago. I am amazed at my progress, but there is a long way to go.
So yes, maybe it was just too early for the inventory for me too. Maybe my letter-writing resistance is because I am afraid of going through the motions as you say, and not meaning it. But then I think there is actually something to be said for going through the motions - you might not be fully there yet but are sowing the seeds at least.
Hm. I think it’s the finality of the burning that is holding me back, and that it kind of the point isn’t it.
B.- As it says in the post you can do it again. I think that 2-3 weeks is too early but if you start over you now have what is left for you to concentrate on. U can do the inventory and letter again and again. In fact most need to.
Little Wing,
I wrote letters from the ex’s perspective to myself. I wrote to myself all the things I thought I wanted and needed to hear from the ex. You CAN’T send a letter written from you from the ex’s perspective, so you won’t have to worry about that urge.
I still do it sometimes when I think I need something from the ex, it helps me discover what I’m really needing and of course, stepping in those shoes is really providing myself with what I need.
Writing a goodbye letter can be done in so many ways. The exercise helps your mind wrap around the facts, the reality, that this person isn’t in your life anymore. What your feeling may be the urge to seek out what you lost. Stay with that urge inside yourself, don’t misplace it and think you need to send a letter to your ex, no matter how elegant you wrote it. Only impress yourself and give to yourself. Saying goodbye to something you cherished is hard and it sucks, however, it begins the healing process by starting with the grieving process. What you are really burying here is your dreams surrounded around the ex. But what you hopefully discover is they are YOUR dreams and you get to KEEP them no matter who is in the role of relationship. They are YOUR dreams..yippee, and NO ONE can take those away from you.
Sending you best wishes on starting your goodbye, it’s a huge step in a good direction.
That’s lovely Cat, thanks for the inspiration. My failure to let go and enforce NC for SO long after we split was all about this desperate, aching need I felt to hear certain things from him… I tried dsperately to illicit them. Eventually I was able to see how unhealthy and pointless this was, but I obviously haven’t fully dealt with this, as your post brought a tear to my eye.
I am only recently learning how to look inwards and nurture myself, and your idea of writing to yourself from the ex’s perspective in order to give yourself what you need to hear sounds like great self-care. I’m going to try it and start my goodbye.
Best wishes to you too!
I guess I meant elicit ;-)
Hi little wing.
What about having your Anderson “adult” write that letter about your fabulousness?
Cat’s idea is great Little Wing. And maybe don’t put so much pressure on yourself - write the letter, burn it and do all that if you can after, but as others have said you can always do it again if you feel you need to, or if you feel you need to let go some more. Rama thanks for idea, I think I WILL give it another go and do it again
Thanks for your encouragement and suggestions, it means a lot to be able to call on your support, I really have been struggling with this and yes, putting pressure on myself too. Good luck with yours Beatrice when you feel ready to do it again- I know how you feel, you are not alone.
Serenity, too right! I am calling on my Anderson adult self a lot, and it’s been such a transforming thing!
Cheers dears
Thanks for reposting this.
If it’s alright, I’d like to show this to my therapist and ask her if we can do this.
I guess I could do it anyway here at home, but I tend to need a structured environment where I can feel safe, when I get into the big emotion stuff.
I am stuck, I am avoiding the step of journaling - I guess when I start writing, I will see my life in black and white and it forces me to deal with stuff. I know..I know that is the point. Thoughts anyone?
The stuff you’re avoiding is still there Faith. It’s not like it doesn’t exist if you don’t write about it.
Writing about it frees you and gives you power over it. You can see it out there, in black and white, and develop a game plan for overcoming it. You can do this!!
We’re here to support you!
i am so grateful for this website.bless you susan!i can’t stop crying!i am trying to pull myself by the bootstraps!my ex, the love of my life who freakin destroyed my heart is my next door neighbor.i am unemployed&cannot move.i am rambling& babbling here cuz everyone i know is so sick of my pathetic sadness!it’s all “Get over him already!”
i left him by enforcing the no contact rule before letting him know about it.see, he is a womanizing alcoholic who goes in&out of my life.he can be sweet but i think he is mean to disappear on me then blame the booze.for a year&a half he said i was the
love of his life, he’d clean up for me.the longest he went without drink was 60 days, cuz of me.but then he gets these dreams of stardom hangs out with his band&their disgusting groupies& he’s a different person.so a month ago i get fed up, said good-bye&changed my phone#.he comes back a week later crying.so i don’t want to hurt him so i buy a cheapo phone you buy minutes for as an AA line for him, knowing i will ceremoniously toss it should he upset me again.he doesn’t know my plan, i don’t want him to think i don’t have faith as i really wanted it to work.well of course he upsets me again, lying and disappearing on me.he calls& i know i will be sucked into it again as i am crazy about him, so i toss my phone.i have not seen hide nor hair of him, my friend says he looks happy which kills me as i can’t leave my place cuz i can’t stop crying.but now i worry that if he can’t call me, what if he should claim to miss me & bang on my door?he is my NEIGHBOR!what if i run into him with another girl?what if i never stop obsessing?what if i never forget how good he felt?AND I”M SO ANGRY THAT I LOVED SOMEONE WHO COULD NOT HAVE LOVED ME BACK!
i am sorry to be so annoying!im a blob of pain.plus i am so sick of everyone saying he is physically beautiful & telling me to lose weight!i may be a bit chunky but it looks fine when the clothes come off!anyway sorry to whine!i will just take advantage of anywere i can vent.its been 11 days since i tossed my phone.oh, and get this!the last time my ex-beloved actually saw me was not after our beautiful love making session.nor was it when i was all dolled up, or after staring into my eyes in the moonlight.nope the last image he has of me i was taking a dump!he wanted to say bye before he took off and he opened the door & says “ooooh it smells like sh*t in here!”UGH!im sure i’ll haunt HIS dreams!not how i intended!
I don’t know where to post this, but I’ve decided here it is. This is one of my letters to myself about what I’d write five years from now on this period of time. Maybe it is helpful to someone, but if not, at least I can trust that the people here may benefit from an example of what it looks like to look ahead. I apologize in advance for the long post, I’m sorry, but here is my heart:
Five years ago I was hung up on the woman that didn’t want me. She did everything mean she could think of and even invented new levels of mean when the standard ones weren’t cruel enough. Five years ago I wanted her back at all cost. I would have loved if she pounded desperately on my door, fell down on her knees and begged me to be with her. I would have probably considered another five years of torture, confusion and drama…a ten year ordeal that would have ultimately ended with the same ending of all crazy relationships, uneven, wrenching drama love that isn’t even close to love.
My story isn’t any different; in fact, it’s infuriating and embarrassing that it’s very similar to most wretched love stories. For the sake of love, I loved this girl, I thought she was it, the prettiest I’d find, cool, hip, smart (well, semi-smart, I wasn’t really impressed at all with her communication abilities, or lack thereof,) stylish, (although she was a copycat, not an original, that bored and annoyed me,) and probably the most appealing quality was her ability to deny herself anything even if she couldn’t’ afford it she believed she deserved it. That’s a decent quality to have but it’s rooted in low self esteem, which she had an over abundance of from the beginning. Me too, water seeks it’s own level.
Five years ago I spent a great deal of time writing, journaling, crying, pining, thinking, sorting, filing, processing, staring, day dreaming and wasting a lot of time creating fantasies of how she would come to her senses and realize how awesome I was to have around. Of course she’d want me back and then what? Of course we’d live happily ever after, buy a house together, get a dog, make dinner, watch movies, hang out with friends, throw parties, go to parties, look across the room at each other, have passionate sex, bath together, romantic dinners out, walks on the beach, hold hands in the theatre, go on vacation, have a picture album, watch video’s of our vacations, reminisce about how wonderful a life we created and how lucky we are to have each other.
Five years ago, I would have done anything to get her back. But that was five years ago. Since then, I’ve discovered the truth about her. She was careless in her feelings and love for me, and the others before me. She treated love and romance like a business partnership, once she closed the deal, she passed it over to someone else to maintain. I hear she’s with someone else and doing pretty much the same things she’s always done, nothing new there. She’s tried to call me and email me a few times in those five years, but I’ve always ignored her, I knew it was more about her than me. She has this militant drive to be friends with all her exes for a period of time until she determines that they aren’t up to par. I was the first to drop her for good and not want to maintain a friendship with her; she was and still is I presume a class one asshole. Self absorbed and selfish to no end. I’m glad she’s someone else’s problem, let them worry if she loves them enough, why she excludes and censor them from certain things, why she controls everything, why she makes everything difficult, why she whines, why she listen and follows the biblical advise of her stupid redneck brother, all her drama around her pseudo illnesses. How her life dramatically changes from one week to the next because she had some life shattering event happen, drama drama drama, how she’s enjoying reconnecting with (fill in the blank with any random name from her past,) how she’s still talking about wanting to paint (she has no artistic abilities I’ve seen other than acting,) ride horses again (to play some baby blue scarlet O’Hara spoiled daddy girl storyline,) and learn to play guitar. She really is a whacko and I’m so glad someone else has to deal with all that weirdness. It just wasn’t’ for me, I just felt to uncomfortable with someone that odd. I didn’t know, nor did I want to learn to be comfortable with that sort of personality. It’s great to watch from afar but not live in it. I honestly don’t know what I wanted from her or pined for, that will remain a mystery to me only because I’ve learned not every question has an answer and it really doesn’t matter. In fact, the fact that I’m even writing about her after five years is perplexing.
So five years ago isn’t really that long. I do have the dream I wanted, I created it, planned it, and most importantly prepared for it. Now I’m enjoying it, like a harvest ripe and abundant. I meet this woman that knows who I am because I know who I am. I’m exactly what I say I am and so is she. We have a blast together, we ski, we travel to France, we live in NYC and Florida, we have the dog but we both picked them out on our own before we meet because we both had our lives sorted out. She loves me for all I am and she champions me to raise my hand higher, she sees in me some things I missed and she shines her light on them so that I will grow. I do the same for her, it’s all mutual love. Would I still drop everything for the ex to return and declare how she messed up her life by not realizing soon enough what a catch I was? Will I feel some satisfaction knowing she regrets letting me go and not fighting for a life with me? No, my life is way to perfect to think about her and those silly drama’s five years ago. They are so trivial when I see what is really out there waiting to be experienced by the true me, not the me that had to much experience waiting for something to happen. I don’t miss her anymore, I hardly think about it and I love the peace and solitude of not hearing from her anymore. It’s as if she’s dead in this world, and she did die, she died from my life on some routine day five years ago when I simply wanted to stop being a shadow. I no longer felt like I deserved to be seconds anymore and like her, I no longer denied myself the things I deserved, the best. I wanted to be in the driver seat, no longer a passenger following along to someone else’s beat.
Five years ago I was so wrong about what I thought was romantic love. I was bitter, hungry for real love, bored, tired, lonely, lost many times and pensive. Now, I can sleep with ease and have my wildest dreams come true, they are simple wild dreams, to wake up with the same person and go to sleep with the same person as many nights as possible. I have that now. Her arm drapes my waist at night, her lips breath on my neck, and she is beautiful in every way. She is so worth every heart twisting wrenching aching torturing painful feeling I had five years ago, because she saw in me all the things the ex passed on. She valued those things in a person and I held fast to keep those traits waiting for someone like her, smart, articulate, brilliant, beautiful, sincere, graceful, friendly, warm, sensual, deep, talented and unlimited, to want them in me. In the end, I won by forfeiting to play the game. The hand I hold now is a real one. So yeah, she could knock on my door, beg for mercy and I’d edit out the drama so I could have something real. Five years ago it mattered; now, it simply is a curious phase I went through for someone that deserved none of what I had, she was a waste of my time, so I decided stop wasting my time. The best decision I made was five years ago, to stop caring about someone that didn’t care about me.
Cat,
What a beautiful post! I have tears streaming down my face, praying in five years I can write the same sort of post.
Congratulations on doing the hard work and finding real love.
mlm2004, I think you got something wrong here (when you say “finding real love”), If I understood it correctly, this is a letter that Cat wrote re. the future, in 5 years time, looking back on today ;-)
Anyhow, question to you Cat: was there anything positive about the woman you loved (your ex), anything about her personaliry that you cherish and will keep in your heart? (I don’t mean cynical things, like cherishing that she left you, but really re. her character). I think it is hard to truly move on, when you think of someone ONLY in negative terms. I have met a woman who was 80 years old, and she would still talk so badly and so negatively about her ex-husband. Now let me tell you that they divorced 35 years ago and he is dead since a few years, and since the divorce they had mainly NC. It was incredible how he would still have that power to mess her life up today, she just had not let him go, and I strongly believe this has to do with the fact that he was only an a**hole in her view, there was nothing, nothing positive about him that she could think of. I find this extremely sad, and it is not a favour that one does to oneself here….
Cat and Greenroses,
Ooops, I hope we can all write this type of letter in 5 years.
Greenroses,
I think the difference is not in the “balancing” so that one does not demonize or saint, but in the development of indifference. If you are still demonizing or sainting, you probably aren’t indifferent.
At the same time, I think that some people attach SO POWERFULLY to their partners that they absolutely have to demonize to gain energy to let go at a certain point. Later, once they are detached and have gotten to the point of some indifference, they can find a more balanced perspective on the past.
There’s a lot of talk on this blog about attaching so strongly being unhealthy, but I also think its based on something natural. What is unhealthy is always dictated by social and cultural circumstances. In prehistoric times, it was probably pretty healthy for group members to attach to tribe members, stride through floods and fight through pitched battles for them, and all at the expense of themselves so the tribe could go on. Anyway, my point here is that there is probably some very instinctual and chemical levels of normal human biological/mental stuff that have been turned on more in some of us than others- especially during stressful circumstances (makes sense in prehistoric terms I think) , that just isn’t right for the circumstances and time of the modern world. Breaking bonds made of physiochemical energies + mental patterns is just a pure Olympian task.
Serenity,
I agree with your thoughts about demonizing the ex in order to first detach and then later balance out the perspective and reach indifference. That has certainly been my experience, anyway, hence my feeling just fine with any of us calling our exes bananaheads, even if it’s just for awhile so we can “disconnect” and not going running back. It’s a strategy and a pretty harmless one at that, so long as we don’t feel the need to call them names to their face. :)
The other part of what you’re saying is interesting to me, too. I wonder, though, if the work of modernizing our attachment style to fit the culture we live in today vs what happened eons ago, is not supposed to be the work of each generation. I wonder if, when we say we are trying to do “better than our parents did”, if what we aren’t saying on some level is that we are trying to do the work of adjusting behavior patterns to fit the cultural times. And so, when a generation (or more) does a poor job of adjusting (or fails miserably, in some cases), it creates greater hurdles for the next generation, leaving them rather maladapted. Meaning, there’s work for caregivers and nurturers in each generation that must be done to prepare the young for living well, and if it isn’t done well, we’re left with the task of going back, not to prehistoric times for an explanation, but to the more recent past (of our caregivers’ generation) to understand and “correct”, if you will. Hence, the value in doing life inventories, family “maps” and such.
Kathy,
I hear what you’re saying and it makes sense. I guess what my point is is that there is this quality “pack attachment” or such, and it’s not unhealthy in itself nor do I think its only located in the “mind”( if you subscribe to a theory that separates mind from the physiological system). I wanted to say that it seems that “pack attachment” can be a really positive thing for human survival as a group, and then unhealthy when the development of it is socially maladaptive and individually hurtful.
Got ya, Serenity, thanks.
Serenity,
I was not talking about demonizing or sainting, these are exactly the two things that exclude a balanced view ;-) By balanced I mean a neither “extreme” view, but rather seeing the ex as a person with good and bad sides, just as any other person is. Becoming indifferent is not necessarily a goal I think. A small part in you can still appreciate the person, whilst being convinced that it still was a good decision to leave him behind. I am not talking of idealizing here. And I get the point, you need some demonizing FOR A CERTAIN TIME in order to detach, but if you continue demonizing then thatfor a really long time, that does not help I think. One can remain positively and negatively attached to a person, both are no options. Yes, some attachments are very strong, but by demonizing you do not really detach (at least that is my experience), the ex before this one was someone I was madly in love with and our relationship was pretty unhealthy. I went NC for 1,5 years, and when I saw him again, I was still in love. And I had cursed him more than once! So if the attachment is really extremely strong, there is not much you can do about it other then wait for the time to make that fade more and more….still think that by appreciating parts of the relationship (and the ex!) - not idealizing! - you are ultimately doing yourself a favor. It is this feeling of being “at peace” with the past, that I am talking about.
PS: And being completely indifferent towards someone that you have spent many years with, strikes me as unnatural. Of course, there should be some indifference. The person is NOT a part of your life any more, etc. That is clear, no doubt about that. But saying “I do not care at all what happens to that person” is a position that I personally do not find so attractive….this does NOT mean staying in contact or anything. But that a small part inside you does still feel a certain affection, is a gift I think, not a curse.
Sorry I haven’t checked back until today on this post. The letter was written in today time looking into a future I’d like to have, I wrote it with the mind set of what my life will look like five years into the future.
To Greenroses,
Your question about if she had any redeeming qualities. Of course she did, she’s driven, she’s responsible with finances and her life, she takes care of herself, she’s concsious of her appearance and other redeeming traits. I think her treatment of me was a two way street, I simply just didn’t know what I didn’t know until I knew it. (I hope that makes sense?) My ‘hook’ was unconsciously choosing someone that didn’t know love is an action and I didn’t know I deserved respect and love in a relationship. It took some time to get over it, I’d guess, two years to get my act together. But Susan blogged in one of her posts about how when it’s over it’s a quiet thing, not some big moment, just one day I found myself just not thinking about it, I was done with being angry at not just her, but myself for not accepting endings.
This letter to myself was just an exercise to put it in perspective. I’m really touched by the support, I have to say, I was rather fearful of exposing something private and personal to me but I know from the post on this blog that everyone here is here because we care about each other and cand relate. So again, thank you for even reading it.
You sound great by the way, I follow your post and many post when I get time. Just lately with work my ‘free’ time has shrunk. It’s getting better though. :)
You all are so interesting to read and follow along with the insight.
Serenity, (wink and hi there my friend),
I agree with your post, I wonder too if a lot of our challenges with allowing ourselves to live single and be happy with that is swimming against the prehistoric tendency to be in ‘packs.’ I remember it took me a long time to adjust to quiet alone time and really like it, okay, if I’m being honest, I love it now! LOL We are raised with people all around us and then we grow up only to be directed to be alone. So I do think there is a merging of identity to get that false sense of belonging, reality is, we only belong to ourselves, the rest is just company. That’s my thought.
Greenroses,
I am indifferent to my ex and the ones before that. It’s not like I wish harm but it’s just that they don’t occupy my mind in any way. There may be a fleeting thought if something reminds me of someone in my past but it’s not any different from the scent of cigar that reminds me of my grandfather who passed away 40 years ago to a past romantic partner that introduced me to sushi. Everytime I eat sushi I just don’t think about it but sometimes, if it pops up in a conversation I may say, ‘oh yeah, an ex first took me to a sushi bar.’ It’s indifferent, it’s matter of fact but there’s not really any emotion to it and if so, it’s very quick. I don’t think we’re dishonoring or minimizing anything, I think what happens is we put it in perspective and say, ‘eh, yeah, that hurt me in a horrible way, but life really does go on.’ I’d have to say, there’s not a small part of me that feels ‘affection,’ about my any of my ex’s. It just doesn’t matter and it doesn’t change reality. What’s the point in retaining feelings to perserve memories? I think it’s somewhat hurtful to people to tag hurt people with ‘it’s unnatural.’ Do you believe some feelings are unnatural? (I’m talking about unnatural feelings associated with seperation of any sort.)
cheers and again, thanks for your conversation.
Cat,
I can relate to the hurt, since I am going through it myself….;-) My point is not about *trying hard to*, or *making an effort to* retain feelings or perserve memories….it is just my personal experience that at some point, when I feel I am “over it”, that is usually also accompanied by keeping some good memories in some corner of my heart, which does not imply thinking about that person regularly or caring much, but it is like some kind of “not denying one’s own past” and if I have spent a significant amount of my time (in my case with the last ex it was over 5 years, including living together) in a most intimate relationship (no matter how hard it was at times and how absolutely good and necessary the breakup has been), I personally think it is then “unnatural” to expect reaching a state of total indifference, towards this person. If indifference really works for you or others, great! I just think it is a beautiful thing to be able and cherish parts of what have been, and they ultimately (and maybe that is my point!) lead to a genuine feeling of “no regrets”, no matter what. This has always been my life philosophy, to live in a way that I have no regrets, no matter what (and it makes the letting go easier!). Yes it may have taken me a long, long time to finally make this “cut” (whilst I remember all my doubts re. this past relationship already in the very beginnings of it!) and I may as well think “why haven’t I arrived at this point earlier”, but it is truly not the way I feel. I know I have been desperate many many times (and he as well) in my relationship, and thinking about leaving, but it took me all that long time to finally arrive at that point. This is the way I did it, and the way that felt right for me at the time. All those unhealthy things were probably balanced by some good things, that made me stay. Until finally, the bad was clearly overweighing everything and the hurt became absolutely unbearable. That’s when I left. And when I look back, I really don’t feel like “why have I stayed this long”, because I am sure I have learned a lot of things about myself too, and an intimate relationship is a gift at some levels, and a good teacher for life. *No regrets* is something that makes me extremely grateful whenever I feel it. It was a process, and I may be really slow at forming a decision like that (hence I remained in unhealthy circumstances for so long!) but what counts for me NOW is that as a RESULT, I have arrived at this point and finally “done the deed” if you like. And feel “in tune” with my development. It feels like a growth experience really…..by having no regrets, I feel a certain lightness for moving on.